Fitzdog Radio - Caroline Rhea - Episode 1093

Episode Date: April 9, 2025

From Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Hollywood Squares and Phineas and Ferb, my dear friend comedian Caroline Rhea comes in and we figure somethings out.Follow Caroline Rhea on Instagram @carolinerhea4realWatch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMeAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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monthly rate additional terms and conditions apply hey welcome to Fitz Dogg radio it's the birthday special I had my birthday two days ago in Boston turned 59 years old which I never liked the nines I always liked the ages that start with a zero because it's kind of a fresh start nine makes you look back at eight seven six five four three two and one and go why didn't you get that done so I'm doing that now this is gonna be a year where I try to close out on some things but had a blast was at laugh Boston which is one of my favorite clubs in the country and they brought me a big cake on stage after the show and the whole crowd a big cake on stage after the

show and the whole crowd sang happy birthday which is awkward what do you do with your face while they sing that 40 second song but it was very sweet they took great care of me and John Tobin's the best he took me to took me to the Red Sox opening day and it was amazing just to see all that sea of faces and then the two black faces was always good to see them still showing up to a Red Sox game. Just a lot of smiles. You're not used to seeing Boston people not being sarcastic or mean or whatever. It was just pure joy. They love their Red Sox and they had the 75 team that won the World Series came out,

Yastremski and I don't know, what am I, a Red Sox guy? But it was kind of moving. And then they do the thing where they the jets fly overhead And then they bring a veteran out. It's fucking baseball This is not a military drill What do they what do they what does baseball have to do with the military? It's just the military trying to do a fucking recruitment drive they know they got a lot of young white guys there that might join the military

and I don't know and not that I don't respect the Veterans I'm actually doing a benefit today for tunnels to towers Which is helps firemen and veterans who need Housing and it gives them a free down payment on their homes. And so I'm doing a big golf tournament benefit today for them. So it's not that I don't care about the military, just get it out of sports, cut the shit.

It's, and it's so patriotic, you gotta, you gotta stand up or everybody looks at it, especially in Boston. Oh, they don't fuck around with that. Brandon and my buddy, Pete Scott and Ted Ted Fine and Ted's son was on the grounds crew. He's like one of the guys that rakes the dirt between innings. Nice to put your kid through college. Spent $400,000. He's got a rake in his hand. Now I think it gets his side hustle. He's got some other shit going on great to see those guys Ted's the best and then it's just funny I'm sitting behind the green monster

which if you know Fenway is like the left field has this giant wall and I'm sitting behind it and you know there's a hibachi guy grilling sausages eight feet from my head so I had to eat two of those and you got guys we were literally the furthest from home plate in the park. And you got guys yelling about balls and strikes. Have another fucking Sam Adams, dude. And of course, John Tobin knows everybody in the park. I mean, Fenway Park, I gotta tell you something.

It's not like any other park in the country. It is fully intact from whatever 1940 something I have no idea when it was built, but it is an old-time park that you know, there's no electronics It's all like like, you know, just what do you call it? You know, the the numbers are all just Flat there's. There's no there's no lights. Learn how to talk you do three podcasts, learn how to say words. God. But it's got it's not a huge park. It holds about 35,000 people and it's great when they sing sweet

Caroline. It's annoying but then you also get caught up in it because it was the first park to start doing the sweet Caroline song and luckily not a single wave the entire game 35 hits I think the socks won like 13 to 10 it was an unbelievably fun game, just a home run festival. And anyway, so yes, and I did Laugh Boston, which was hectic because I had a ton of, I must've had like 40 people on my guest list over the course of the weekend.

And Laugh Boston is just a fun club. And I went from, you know, on stage, first I go to the baseball game, that's all day, I get home, I leave the park and I get into the subway, which is called the T, and there's 10,000 people all trying to get into the same subway stop and they're all screaming, let's go Red Sox, like you already won, you already won.

And people just piled on, I got this drunk who had a Dunkin' Donuts and he keeps spilling it on the back of my leg, because it's fucking, literally everybody's dick to ass on the subway. Who brings a hot cup of coffee on a fucking subway at rush hour? So then I rush home, I get to the hotel, I change, I run down to the show, I go on stage ten minutes later, I get off, I'm out front selling my pins, and then I run up.

And I have friends, Mary Fitzgerald came to the Friday show, her whole family, who I love, went out to the pub with them afterwards. I had Mike Gibbons' daughter Olivia. She goes to college in Boston so she came out with a couple friends. Felt filthy. He's got his 18 year old daughter in the crowd with her two 18 year old friends and up there I'm up there talking about jerking off and having sex with my wife. I'm like what the f**k you sitting right up front. I'm just looking at her like, I'm sorry. It's my best friend's daughter.

And then Tommy McIntyre came out, Joey McIntyre, who was just on the show, his brother, who's a great dude, hung out with him for a while. And then this kid, Peter Martin, featured for me. Holy holy shit keep an eye on this guy super funny Maybe he'll be one of those guys. It just becomes a big name in Boston But I feel like I'm gonna try to bring him on the road with me a little bit I think I think that if he were to move to New York or LA probably better in New York

I think he could he could do something super good writer and funny and then so then I get back home again and I got my wife is away she's visiting her mom and brother in New York so I'm alone in the house which always sounds like a good idea and then I get here and I hate it I feel so lonely because the kids are gone and it's just me and I won't even let myself masturbate because it just feels like a cliche. So I went out with Tom O'Neill and a couple other friends and we went out to this uh this this went out to Abikini and hung out at this place and then the Dunskys my neighbors had me over for dinner.

Whatever. I've been getting into the details of my life, but it's a poker night. Tomorrow night. Got a couple guys coming over for that. Got seven of us. And then I got the NCAA finals. Gibbs and Rabee are coming over. We got a bunch of bets going. That'll be here. So I'm busy. Watch the white Lotus finale last night. Yeah, it was as bad as the rest of the series. I kept waiting for this show to pop and it just never did. I just, the three women, what happened? Can somebody just jot down the plot points of their story

over eight episodes? I don't know that anything, women talk behind each other's backs. Is that the story? I'm done Schwarzenegger's son seems like a douchebag. I know he's playing a douchebag, but it sort of seems like he's too good at it and Who's the other story? I don't know. I like the girl with the big teeth. I think that's everybody's takeaway and everybody likes some Sam Rockwell's monologue about fucking a tranny

I'm not supposed to say tranny fucking a transvestite Jesus might have to cut that one out anyway Tour dates coming up Huntington Beach At the Mamba on May 4th Escondido Grand Comedy Club May 9th and 10th. And then we got Dayton, Kentucky, which is really Cincinnati at the Commonwealth May 16th and 17th. Tampa Bay side splitters June 5th through 7th. Got a one-nighter I'm announcing now in Naples, Florida at Off the Hook on June 8th.

Torrance, Austin, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, La Jolla, all coming up. Go to FitzDog.com get yourself some tickets. Also we want to talk about Mood. The cannabis should be accessible, affordable, convenient, and transparent, but also we want to support the American farmers that make it. That's why Mood was created in 2002. 100% federally legal cannabis grown on small pesticide-free American farms. You can get 20% off your entire purchase today when you say fits FITZ and the promo code. It is a you know, it's just it helps you in many ways in

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And remember to use promo code FITZ at checkout. Save 20% off on your first order. Okay, my guest today is a dear friend for God. I'm gonna say 30 years I've known her from doing standup in New York when I was starting out. And you know her as Sabrina the Teenage Witch. She's also been on Phineas and Ferb forever she's one of the big big guns on Hollywood

Squares had her own show for a while she's she hosted the biggest loser match game she's a regular on any on and on and on she's really and just a stellar comic really really good craftsperson in stand-up and I just think she's a very special friend and I'm so happy to have her on the show. So please welcome my chat from last week with Caroline Ray, welcome to the fresh and clean Greg Fitzsimmons show, FitzDog Radio. You know what I like about it? It immediately makes me think of Ritz crackers. Is that wrong?

The background? Yeah. Ritz fritz. Oh, fritz, yeah, yeah, yeah. I see a sponsorship. Yeah, I like it. Yeah. We'll just be standing there eating Ritz crackers.

Ritz crackers, my sister, when she was little, my parents used to have a lot of parties. I think your parents did too, probably, right? No, it was the 70s. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They had a lot of parties. I think your parents did too, probably, right? That was the 70s. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They had a lot of 70s parties with, you know. Oh, did they have 70s parties? No, no, no, no.

But, actually, would I know? How would I know? You know the joke, Canadians didn't have orgies, too many thank you notes. So my sister, they would have crackers and cheese set up, and my sister was like, you know, three or four and somebody picked up a Ritz cracker and they put some cheese on it and they bit into it and they go, your crackers are soggy. And they looked over and my, and my, uh, my sister had, had cheese on the Ritz and she

was licking it off. So I guess she was using it. Putting it back on the plate. It's like a cat just getting the salt off for them. Yeah. No, I think my parents used to have parties. I'm not exaggerating when I say they went till four o'clock in the morning. Oh yeah.

Like frequent, they were out at night three nights a week and two of those nights they were home after three o'clock in the morning. I just remember being mortified when my parents would get to the party, the party where they were dancing in the living room. Oh. Yeah.

Were they the only ones dancing? No, no they were, everyone was dancing mostly, but just seeing your parents dance. Yeah. And they were such, like the vocabulary, but just just seeing your parents. Yeah, they were such like the vocabulary. I mean, like there were certain words that I think might. If my mother ever used the word like screw, I was like, oh, yeah. So 70s and violet.

Yeah. It's like if we're playing password screw. Bloody Mary. You know, like it's just yeah. Now, my parents were very strict about language. We did. We did not., well we were group Catholic. It was a lot of Catholic stuff, but I feel like you grew up, I don't know if you were religious, but I feel like you grew up sort of upper crust,

didn't you? I did. Yeah. Yeah, I did, but you know what? When I went to New York in 1989, and everybody was like, you're such a wasp, and I would just politely laugh, and I'd be like, I don't know why I'm like a bee,

but maybe that's, I had no idea what a wasp was. I never heard the term. Really? I had no idea. Oh, that's not a Canadian term. No, I literally, I had no idea what it was. Yeah, I had no idea. Sometimes you just have to do standup

to realize what a prissy wasp you are. Because my mother would always say to me, you know, Kara, on stage, you're a saucy little sailor, but the minute you get off, you're just a prissy little wasp. And it's so true. I'll say anything on stage with a microphone, but someone will come up to me and go,

oh, that joke. And I'll be like, don't talk to me off camera. Yeah. Interesting. So it's like a character a little bit. No, I think it's a freedom. Yeah. It's the opposite of character. Yeah. I think's like a character a little bit. No, I think it's a freedom. Yeah. It's the opposite of character. Yeah. I think on stage, I am literally.

In real life, you're a character. Yeah. Like, okay, this is my question for you, even though I know you have questions for me. How many days can you go not during standup before you feel depressed? Three. Three. And that starts to affect you. Two to three. Yeah. And the funny thing is, like, last night I bombed. What?

Well, I went to Largo. And I get very intimidated by Largo because... I know it's like, it's the alt school. Yeah. And it makes, like, the punchline joke people feel like we're ashamed. Exactly. It's like, oh, we're not... I was trying to talk through my punchlines so they didn't seem like punchlines.

I was trying to be conversational about my act. And all I saw was like, you know, middle-aged women just cross-armed and humorless. It was like an NPR Ted Talk or something. And I'm up there and I am bombing. And I don't know, I listened to the tape this morning because I couldn't sleep last night. And masturbated to it.

I'm sorry, that's what I always say. The male comics did. They'd play their tapes back. Wait a minute, is this Caroline on stage right now or Caroline off stage? No, sorry. And I listened to it today and it actually was not bad. But I think because John Mulaney and Marin were both standing off stage and Marin has a way of judging you that Me anyway, it affects me because I started with him and he's he's a judgmental guy

Yeah, yeah So, uh, it made me very uncomfortable and of course Flanagan who owns the place they're all sitting like eight feet from you behind the curtain and so Anyway, I had this thought that every day I wake up feeling like I forgot how to do standup comedy and it's only after I get the first laugh that night that I go, oh yeah, I remember how to do this. Oh, that's so interesting.

I need that first laugh. I remember when I first moved to New York and I was like having success at it, but it freaked me out because I was like having success at it, but it freaked me out because I was like, this is not a tangible skill. I don't know where it comes from and will it be here tomorrow or will just my skill at being a terrible cater waiter be there, but I won't be able to do comedy. And then it's like such an act of faith that you are like, the longer you trust it, of

course it's going to show up. Yeah. But it's funny that your humaneness just goes it's gone yeah well I think that you bomb well no it wasn't as bad as I thought but I think with you when you go on stage I don't know if you have ADD but it feels to me like the way you engage with the crowd ignites you. It's like you come alive once you start and you do this thing where you are able to to go to both wells. You go to the crowd work well and then you go into the material

and it really flows back and forth. And that to me, that's my favorite kind of comedy. Well, that's my favorite kind of comedy because it's not going to be repeated the next day. So it actually makes you feel like you're doing something new. Even when you're telling a joke that you've told a thousand times. And I wish I had ADD because then there would be medication. The longest hours of my life were being tested for ADD.

And the guy goes like this and he was the head of psychiatry UCLA, and he goes, nope, not even a little bit. And I'm like, seriously? Because I've had random strangers heckle this to me. Focus. Don't you think that? But he explained to me that my brain sort of, it's like it goes to the grocery store, it gets the fruit, it gets the vegetables, it gets this, and then it goes back and goes, oh, I forgot this and the fruits and I get this. So it's like this sort of and I do like the fact that. It makes it feel like it's alive. Yes. You know, like I never really enjoyed doing a TV set. Like even when I would do a TV set and then I would like, I remember at Comic Relief,

I thought I had a great set. Yeah. It was like it was life changing. Everything that happened that night, like I remember at Comic Relief, I thought I had a great set. It was like, it was life changing, everything that happened that night. Like Milos Forman was in the audience and cast me in a movie. And no kidding. No, and then I got booked on Hollywood Squares back then

and like just all these great things happen. But then when I watched the set, I was like, there's just something that doesn't translate between like that amazing live feeling. And even the greatest set in the world, you know? I think it depends on the comic. I do think there's people that thrive, you know, like Carol Leifer was just on the show.

Like she did 25 Lettermans and I saw a lot of them and they were always amazing. You know, you look at Brian Regan or Jake Johansson, these are TV set guys who actually like it when everybody shuts the fuck up, pays attention and they nail down what they do. But I'm like you, I feel, I always feel like that scene from Butch Casting and the Sundance Kid

where Sundance is walking up, he's applying for a job basically to guard the gold wagon that transports the gold and so he's supposed to be riding shotgun and then the guy tests him and so he throws a can in the air and he goes, shoot it when I throw it in the air, shoot, throws it in the air, two shots, misses and the guy goes, you don't have the job and he goes, can I move this time? And he's like, yeah. So he throws the can in the air and Sundance rolls over on the ground and shoots it three times. And I was like, that's how I feel like doing standup.

I gotta be moving. Yeah. Yeah, I've gotta be moving. So I've got to feel like I have never done this before. Yes. And I also feel like my intention probably was always, we were so trained to be like, get a development deal and get another show and do this. I do feel like my intention probably was always, we were so trained to be like, get a development deal and get another show and do this.

And now my intention is so like, I genuinely love doing it and I wanna make the audience feel, I know better than they did before they got there. That's it. I wanna give some relief from anxiety. But I think that that's the thing that we're addicted to is that standup comedy forces you to get into the moment. If you're not in the moment, your rhythm is off,

your connection to the audience is off, your relationship to your own material is off. And so I think that we spent so much of our lives bouncing around and then when you're on stage, there's no excuse but to get in the moment. And then when you get off stage, you carry that for a little while, that feeling. And do you have this other weird thing that like your first setback is always the best? Yes.

Yeah. And then by the time you're doing like a long weekend and by the time you're on your fourth show, you're like, this feels stale again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know the third, if I do, usually in clubs, I do Thursday, Friday, Saturday night. Yeah. Thursday nights almost always my best shot.

Yeah. I always used to, my favorite, what's your favorite night? My favorite night used to be Sunday nights. Sundays are fun. Yeah. Because those people really want to be there. Yep. And they're unemployed and you just, you know, they have nowhere to go and

you feel bad for them. And they went to church and they need to snap out of it now. The church is behind them and now you can hear about abortion jokes. Okay, so growing up Catholic, did you have any guilt about certain things you shouldn't have talked about? Oh, I hit his nerve. Yeah, so much guilt in my life. It's amazing.

Like I literally feel guilt when I have sex. With my own wife, I feel guilt afterwards. But I admire you because the way you talk about it on stage is so funny, but there's not that many people. So sometimes guilt motivated you in the right way because you have a long marriage with a beautiful family, you post pictures of beautiful family trips. How long have you been married?

25 years. And a lot of that is probably guilt motivated, like you'll be killed if you did anything wrong. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's, it worked in your favor. No, it's true. I do think guilt can be a great motivator. It's a good moral motivator.

Yes, I think maybe there's not enough guilt. I think we swung too far away from total freedom. Yeah. And there needs to be more accountability. Well, guilt is right up there. Yeah, with, yeah, making sure you're a good person, it's still sort of important. Do you feel guilt?

I have literally, I'm like a wandering spiritual person. I have studied so much spirituality, except I really don't know anything about Catholicism. That's the one that always scared me because I always felt very oppressed whenever I would go into a Catholic church. Like I had done something wrong. And I took communion when I was seven,

because I was at camp, not when I was seven. Well, yes, when I was seven, because I went to a Catholic camp one summer. And then I was a counselor at that camp. And I was in charge of the non-denominational services. Wait, how old were you? On the weekend. Well, I was seven when I went to that camp, Camp Jeanne d'Arc.

Yeah. And yeah, it was Catholic. I literally took communion because I was hungry. I had no idea what it was. Oh my God. I was seven. Do you have any idea what a sin that is? Oh gosh, yeah, okay.

You're supposed to have gone through the whole first communion process where you- Well then why were all these little kids being given it? Or they just assumed it was, oh look at this, look at your contagious guilt. It's, you know, it's almost like- It's like going to a wasp wedding and not drinking. Is it that bad?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm kind of not. Right, right. But no, I think the guilt is good in some ways and it's bad in others, but I think in the long run, I don't think it's a good thing. I feel like it's constrained me a lot. And I think that I should have found another religion to wash it out. You know, like I think some Buddhism would have been good because that's all

about not assigning good or bad to anything, right? I studied Buddhism for a long time and we had this very unbelievable teacher come to the house. And you know, it was like all these monks were coming in the house and we had to learn how to like turn the teapot four times. It was like a Tibetan teacher and it was all this formality. And my mother, who was the funniest person in the world, that, you know, in Buddhism, you cannot ever hurt a sentient or sentient being depending on how you say it. Like you can't kill a bug, right? Everything has a spirit and a life. So before that, my mother, I think my mother was doing secret like asbestos testing for the government in the seventies, because she literally set the kitchen on fire so many times.

Like everything looked like weird art, like the Cuisineur with Melted and that blender was like distorted. It was like strange art. And one time. And she got so mad if you ever called her out on it. And she spilled like a pot of honey, and we had ants from all over the world. It was like Mecca for ants. It was just unbelievable.

And I was like tiptoeing over these ants, and my mother said, just kill the ants. And I said, I can't, they're sentient beings. And she said, use my shoe. So, and when I had all these monks coming in the house, my mother was so, I go, had all these monks coming in the house, my mother was so, I go, mom, they're coming. And she goes, anyway, she came in and all these monks were coming in

and she was like walking out the back door when they were coming in the front door and the house was, we were selling the house. And then she goes, but we'll never sell the house now. Why, cause the monks were there? Like just like people seeing the monks coming in the house. But I think in terms of religion, I really feel like it's like your GPS,

like we're all going in the same place, what direction and how do you need them delivered to you to get there, you know? And for whatever reason, guilt is one of the tools that got used for you. But the fact that you have resentment or feeling. Well, I mean, it's the ultimate socializing tool. It's been used by every society

to try to keep people in line, you know, guilt. It's true. Yeah, and it's a- I hate being made to feel guilty. Oh, God. That one was really, yeah. And you know what the best line I ever heard is, and I use it all the time, I use it with my mother quite a bit.

Do you take cash or credit? I say, are you trying to make me feel guilty right now? And it just flips it. Yeah. Yeah. So how much of it, because I would say of all the spirituality between Buddhism and Kabbalah and Christianity and everything, the biggest one I've ever learned that change is your life, if any of us could do it, is to be non-reactive. So if somebody is trying to make you feel guilty, it's not taking that bait because that's your trigger immediately.

Right? Yes. to make you feel guilty, it's not taking that bait because that's your trigger immediately, right? You've got the giant guilt wound and if someone goes, and they, so much so that they can see it and hook into it, because they think they're gonna control you with it. So you're still being reactive by saying that. The step is like, not like, just not reacting to their.

Yeah, and not compensating, not like trying to cover it with another positive emotion but just feeling no emotion. Like now as a married person are you a good apologizer? Yes. You are. Yes. Apologizer? Is it? Apologist? Apologist. Apologist sounds like. Is it just pronounced husband? Yes just husband. Good husband. Good husband. No I think apologizing to my kids is one of the most profound things I've done. I think it's a really important thing to do. Have you done that at all?

Oh, I always say I'm sorry. My mother taught me that. Like always. And then what will really drive me crazy is my daughter will say to me, you never say you're sorry. And I'm like, I absolutely do because I'm so conscious of it.

I'm very conscious of always saying thank you and always saying I'm sorry. But what really gets me, which was a real problem with my relationship with Ava's dad was he would say to me, say you're sorry and then I'm like, oh, do not give me the script unless it is a SAG contract. Okay, if I'm gonna get residuals for this apology,

I'll say it a hundred times, but don't tell me what to do. That it's like, and so then, cause you can literally be like, I'm so sorry. And they like say it and like, I'm so, I'm not sorry. You know? I can't, I can't, I don't know how. Or you turn around and go, I'm sorry that this makes you mad.

Right, you take away the apology. You're like, or I'm, and Ava will always be like, that's not an apology. I'm like, I'm sorry that you, and then you just completely fuck him over, reacted that way. I'm sorry that it triggered something in you. I'm sorry that you have such a big fucked up issue

about this that I didn't know until now. I'm sorry you can't handle the truth. Yeah, I'm sorry is such a great thing to say to your kids because you're modeling behavior and you're also showing them that you're not perfect and that they shouldn't hold you up to perfection because there's that moment and having a daughter you know this once they hit like 14 and they start to see that you're not perfect. They have such a violent reaction to that. So my feeling was always take the air out of the balloon early on and apologize and let them see you angry.

Like I have a temper and I will get angry and then I will, I never get angry like screaming at them, but I let them see me get angry at things. Well, they're also in charge of them. So you have to, they have to. I remember when Ava was about three, you know how when you're like, you really try very hard to be like an adult parent.

And you're like, I am the adult and you're the child. But then sometimes when they were little and they would get to you also become a three year old. And I remember saying to Ava when she was about three, I go, you are not the boss of me. I am the boss of you. And Ava was walking away and just turned over her shoulder and she went like this, now that's funny, mommy.

I was like, oh. What did she, Greta Garbo or something? And then she had a cigarette and dove in the pool and said, no pictures, no photographs whatsoever. Only from my left side. She did always sound like, well, she went through a phase where she would fire me in her sleep all the time. What?

She would count, she'd be like, nine, eight, four, nine, you're fired, you're fired. Like she'd fall asleep in bed. Yeah, she was always firing people when she talked in her sleep. She having like a Donald Trump fantasy? No, no. I would, no.

Is she dramatic now? What is she, about 17 now? She's 16. I love that child so much. Yeah. I mean, she's six feet tall, so it's hard to hold her in my arms. But-

Is she literally six feet tall? Yeah. Really? Yeah, she's six feet tall. She's super pretty, hilariously funny. I've seen her pictures. Yeah, she's beautiful. No, she's like, she's so funny.

I mean, both of her parents are comedians and she's funny in a completely different way. Are your kids funny? My daughter, well, my son knows what's funny, but my daughter is funny Does she want to do stand-up? No. Oh, yeah, she'd be an amazing You said no like I just asked for the car after seven drinks Yeah, would you do you want your kid to fucking go into this world? I mean if you have no other options If there's nothing else you can yeah, then become, well that's what I felt like, this was it

for skill. Yeah. Or, okay, so let's play this game. If you weren't this, what would you be? A novelist. Oh. That's what I went to college for. Have you written a novel?

Yep. What was it about? It was a love story. I was in Ireland and I didn't go to college after high school. I went off to Europe for six months with a backpack. And I stayed in Ireland for like two months, two or three months. And I stayed in this house with no heat. It had peat, which is bricks of mud. Yeah. Give off like no heat.

I was in the winter in Ireland living off peat. And I was I had a notebook and I wrote I was I would go every night to the Atlantic Pub and there was bartender named Molly dark red curly hair green eyes and I just fell for her and every night she pulled pints of Guinness for me and I'd kiss I kissed her it didn't go really much further than that but I was in love with her. And so I wrote this novel kind of about falling in love. And then I gave it to her after two or three months and she read it and she goes, it's brilliant.

And I didn't know that in Ireland, brilliant, you could take a dump that's brilliant in Ireland. That's just how they use the word. And anyway, so she kept it. I gave it to her. And she has the only copy? Yes. Oh gosh, she sold it under a pseudonym.

She's Molly, probably owns 500 bars now because of her first novel. I called it Greg. Greg of the love. Greg of the Pete. No, she probably called your character Pete. Yeah, right. After your cold heart.

And then I read a memoir. Wow. Yeah. You're too little to write a memoir. I wrote it. Yeah, about seven or eight years ago. And did well. Simon and Schuster. Which bartender has that? I will give you a copy. Don't laugh at me.

He was it. I think I think it was. That when you have more than one copy of. You're a great writer, you got some fun skills. Yeah, thank you. Did you write a memoir yet? I'm literally after this I'm going to see a hypnotist because I have trouble finishing things. Oh.

I do, like I like to stay for the trailer, not the whole film, you know what I mean? I've been engaged but I don't get married. Yeah. I don't, I just, so I have a very fast creative mind. It has to do like a hundred things in order. I know it's shocking. But you strike me as somebody that often has an assistant

who will help you through something like that. I do, but that assistant would have to have an assistant in order to really. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So you hire somebody who's like you? Yeah, I literally, I have to just walk around and say things, and then it's like Alan Alda in that movie.

There's a game show, it's a game show about ducks. Call me about this, call someone about the duck show. You know. Alan Alda. You know, Alan Alda in that movie with when he's he's always no Michael Keaton. No, it's Alan Alda He's got like a little it's in Not mash now. I don't think they were invented by then Alan Alda in it's a Ben Stiller movie and It's set in New York,

nailing all the owns it, and he's always talking about, idea for a show. Yeah. Greg and Caroline are stranded in a bar, they find Molly. Ha ha ha. Greg marries Molly's granddaughter and feels guilt for the rest of his life.

Ha ha ha. I like that, like it's a phone call. Ha ha ha. Oh no, I have that, like it's a phone call. Oh no, I have like three sound effects. Is that anything? I mean, walkie talkie. I just made a walkie talkie sound on the phone. Anyway.

No, there was a movie called Night Shift with Michael Keaton and Henry Winkler. I never saw it. And Michael Keaton had a little recorder and he would say, you know what they should do is, uh, uh, thought, uh, feed the tuna the mayonnaise. I remember Michael Keaton having the most killer set on Letterman. Oh yeah. A bazillion years ago and we were both flying to LA the next day and we were both in first class and we were waiting for the bathroom.

Like two people. It's there's like six in the whole whatever first class. Did you already know him? No. And I said, hey, man, you just did. That was such a killer shot on Letterman last night. And and he was like, this is like, thanks. Like no eye contact. Then I'm like, oh, now we're awkwardly in the bathroom on a plane. And I'm like, oh, I am like that made me feel so like, what are you going to do in there?

Yeah. Go to the bathroom. Like, what am I going to say now? Wow. Yeah. Was that the set where he did the Bazooka Joe comic? No. He had this bit that I thought it was on, mightand evening at the improv, but he goes, you know, I really love Bazooka Joe comics.

I think, you know, just great sense of humor. And he goes, you know, in the first frame here, Bazooka Joe's got a clock and the second frame he throws it out the window and his friend goes, hey, what are you doing Bazooka Joe? What are you doing there Bazooka Joe? And Bazooka Joe goes uh watching time fly and then the next frame says uh time bazooka Joe that's a very ethereal concept isn't it and he goes into this whole existential thing that just keeps going

that's where I used to love those improv I've got to say, you had a little channeling of Norm McDonald as Michael Keaton. I've been watching a lot of Norm lately. My favorite favorite Norm joke is a homeless guy with his dog. The dog's got to be thinking, this is the longest walk of my life. Buddy, I can do this on my own. I was kind of counting on you for shelter and food. It's endless. Oh, I love my norm.

Every time I think I've seen all the norm clips, I'm on TikTok and I see like two new ones a day from either like his own talk show or when he was paneling with Conan O'Brien or Letterman. It just goes on and on. And it's all gold. My favorite would be, you wouldn't have seen him in like a year

and then you're like, how you doing? Yeah, that's great. Do you want to drive me to Orange County? I'm like, no, I don't want to drive. I had a dentist appointment. No, Norm, I'm not driving you to Orange County. Cut to. Drive to Orange County.

Yeah. Yeah. No, he never had a license his whole life. Probably a very good idea. Yeah. Probably. What an interesting guy because so low functioning in so many ways and yet maybe the smartest person I've ever met. He was- I smooched him in the 90s.

No, you didn't. Yeah, we had a little romance. Really? Mm-hmm. He was- I smooched him in the 90s. No, you didn't. Yeah, we had a little romance. Really? Mm-hmm. What was the scenario? Thank you. Well, of course we were both on heavy, heavy medication. No, what do you mean, what's the scenario?

I mean- Were you in a bar? Did you go back to his place? No, we used to hang out. Yeah? Yeah, I guess, yeah. So you were at his apartment one night? No, he was at my apartment.

No, it was like, you know, I don't know why I'm telling you this. And now I have to somehow give you a ledger of all the times it exists. I know it was dating in the apartment. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. No, I never had sex with him. No, no. Ever had sex with any other comedians? Oh, look at the time. There's things I have to do. I have to go to it.

You know what I thought before this show? I want to do an exchange with you after the show. Of who? We'll each tell each other what comedians we've slept with. That doesn't have to be on the air. All right, good. OK. It almost would be funny if I whispered it in your ear

and then you whispered one in my ear. OK. You want to do that? I could tell you a really funny clue. I'm gonna blow your mind with one. I'm gonna blow your mind. All right. All I'm gonna say is part of their body leans to the right, which is very ironic. Oh, we both did it. That's really funny. You did that one? No way! No way! No way! Oh.

All right, you tell me yours. No! No, no, no. Are you serious? Yeah. But are we not my... Hey, don't you even! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Did I laugh hysterically at yours? No, yours is like, I can't laugh at yours! No, no, no. No, no, no. Shmoop! There's a reason why I'm laughing.

Yes, there is. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Well. I just did a really big movie. Well, congratulate. What are we on?

What are we on, the Tonight Show now or something? No, I'm just telling you, because. Should we show a trailer? What's your big movie? You want to set this clip up for us, Caroline? You can act it all the part. And then he says this will be a him. And then she said, and then that was the person.

I've got all the different parts down. You know what? I was just sharing, but thanks for the shoot down. I. I it's very I was going to tell you something that made me feel about 1000 years old. Yeah, but it's such a great script. And it's somebody that I Alex Moffat is the star. Oh, no way. And he's literally, he's like, if Jim Carrey and Sean Connery had a baby, that's how smooth and crispy

and perfect his comedy is. And then I played Julia Stiles' mother. Really? Yes. But I do get to say this line. I was 16 years old when I had you, but it was very important to me that I say that. I even asked the writer, I was like,

could it be 12 or is that creepy? Could I have been 12? Could it just, how about I adopted her when I was eight at a Girl Scout camp and then she came home. Oh my God, I just saw a clip of. Sorry. What's the woman's name from Modern Family? The Latino woman? Sofia Vergara. Yeah. So she's on The View and they're talking about her daughter.

And they're like, oh, my daughter's like 18. Like, wow, you must have been. How old were you when you had her? And she's like 13. And they were like, oh, my God, you were 13. She goes raped. I was raped and then she just kept talking She just moved right on from it and all the view and then one of the view ladies just asked her another question Immediately and it just kind of slipped by that crazy. That is crazy Anyway, tell me about the movie more. She's this good segue

That is crazy. Anyway, tell me about the movie more. Jesus, good segue. Oh, it's true. That is the most, you're the only talk show host that's ever done that. It's like, anyway, hi, it's Greg Fitzsimmons. I just saw the most horrific accident and then a man jumped out of a window

and I don't think he made it. How are you and how are the kids? I'm like, traumatized, I'm completely traumatized. That's what it is. A little bit of Catholic trauma coming your way. I was grocery shopping and I was getting the produce and then I had to go get the eggs. You know, the mind doesn't.

But I'm very interested in the movie. No, that's it. That's all. What's it called? It's called Unbearable Christmas. But in it. Oh, it's gonna be a Christmas movie? I play an alcoholic and I don't drink.

And she's a very tough, mean mother. And it was just very interesting playing someone who I do not identify with. Was your mother an alcoholic? No. Wow. Yeah. So is it like gonna come out at Christmas? No. No. So. Wow. Yeah.

So is it like gonna come out at Christmas? My father might have been. Ah. Yeah, it's gonna come out this Christmas. Wow. Hmm. Is it a Hallmark movie or is it in the theaters? No, it's an independent movie.

Wow. No, it's nothing. It's not a Hallmark movie. Like all sorts of unexpected things happen. I love the Hallmark movies. I love the Hallmark movies. I love the Hallmark movies. This is anyone watching a Hallmark movie. You go in and go, what are you watching Hallmark?

Who's that? What? And then you're like, oh, well, now I have to see. What happens? It doesn't matter. Yeah. You can't leave the room when they're on. And then you cry.

And then you cry. There was one I watched with my mother when I was in Florida there's a lot of watching Hallmark in Florida and and so it's about this kid and He needs a kidney and they don't have a lot of money and there's no donor. I know that one a Christmas kidney The dance number's the best. Five, six, seven, eight. Kidney, kidney.

Da da da da da kidney, okay. And so they're waiting for this kidney and it's not coming and the kids. It's like Elijah the way you're saying it. The kidney's not gonna come. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have to move the plate. Right.

And so the mother was an alcoholic and had given the kid up and then suddenly was back in his life again. And then it's like- Is this Hallmark or Lifetime? It was Hallmark. And it was like Christmas. It was Christmas morning.

And they get a call that there's a kidney, but they're in Iowa and the kidney's in Nebraska. But there's the biggest snowstorm that Iowa's ever had and so the entire town goes down to the airport with shovels. Like 200 people shovel the runway and then they put the kid on the plane and the plane takes off and then it gets to the hospital and gets the operation. And then he wakes up in the morning with a new kidney and the sun is coming through the window

and there's balloons in the background and the family's there holding his hand. And then my mother goes, she goes, where are they gonna get balloons during a snowstorm? Oh my God. Oh my God. That is so funny. And I got tears all over, I'm like crying.

That is so funny. Okay, let's talk about how your brain's triggered. So my father desperately wanted to be an actor, but he was an actor. Really? Yeah, and his mother said, no, you're gonna be, he went to school with Christopher Plummer and William Shatner. how your brain's triggered. So my father desperately wanted to be an actor, but he was an actor. Really? Yeah, and his mother said, no, you're gonna be it. He went to school with Christopher Plummer and William Shatner.

No. Yes, and my dad was always in plays, and my grandmother. In Ontario? Montreal, at McGill. Yeah. Really? Yeah, so I would put him in everything.

So I had a pilot that I had, and Kim Whitley was in the, she's my best friend in real life, and she's in the pilot. And in the pilot, I'm at Weight Watchers explaining, I thought this was the greatest idea, I'm explaining why I ate that way, that day and that week, and then it's all flashbacks, right?

So it's sort of like my audience is the Weight Watchers meeting. So I tell my dad, okay, I'm gonna put you in the scene, right, so the dialogue is this. And then he sent me a bunch of balloons. is the Weight Watchers meeting. So I tell my dad, okay, I'm gonna put you in the scene. So the dialogue is this. And then he sent me a bunch of balloons. And Kim Whitley says, balloons? What the hell does that mean?

So, action. And then he sent me a bunch of balloons. And then my father says, balloons? What the hell does that mean? And I'm like, dad. And the director goes, cut! Who talked? And I go, no one.

No one, I'm sorry. It was a misunderstanding. I go, dad, you can't talk. You know that. You're an extra. And he goes, what? I can't say that line? I go, no, first of all, it's Kim Whitley's line.

It's not up for grabs. Whoever says it first gets to keep it. So then, so then, and the director's like, what's happening? I go, nothing, it's fine. And I'm looking at my father like, so take two. And then he sent me a bunch of balloons and my father goes, balloons! Cut. I go, dad, what are you doing? And he goes, I just said one word. I go, well, you can't say any And he goes, I just said one word. I go, well, you can't say any words. He goes, not even one word?

She can say the rest of the line. I go, no, okay. Cut two, take three. I go, and then he sent me a bunch of balloons. I look at my father. He's mouthing the words. I go, you are such a child. Then the next, the next, whatever take, I go,

and then he sent me a bunch of balloons, and Kim Whitley goes, balloons, what the hell does that mean? And then the director goes, cut, someone moved, the extras moved, what happened? It's not the same shot, and I go, I look, my father was sitting here, is now sitting over there. I go, dad, Whitney goes, the woman beside me

had terrible body odor, honey, and she was hitting on me, so I'm over here now I got So he wasn't a crazy he's not Christopher Plummer no, it's not Christopher Plummer. Oh my god. Oh my god. That's amazing Yeah, oh, he was funny so funny alright listen. Okay. I'm gonna ask you fits ball fits dog Fast balls with fits is a segment. I do because I know you got to All right, listen. I'm gonna ask you, FitsDog, Fastballs with Fits is a segment I do, because I know you gotta go see this hypnotist. I gotta see a hypnotist.

I don't wanna keep you too long. About a horse. What is that expression? I gotta see a man about a horse. What does that mean? I don't know, it's for like a 1940s film noir kind of a thing. Yeah.

I know, I think it means you have to go to the bathroom, but I never understood why. Should we promote Blank Slate? I don't think it's on anymore. No, let's skip that one. We did a game show together. I literally thought blank slate. I thought you were making fun of my brain.

That was. Should we promote your blank slate of a brain? Was that the weirdest experience ever doing that game show? No. It was like such fast food. It was like we came in, we did five a day. You were excellent at it. You were too.

No, do you do Wirtle? Yes. Are you obsessed with it? I was, I don't do it as much anymore. If I see that word few, I wanna say you condescend, when they go few, cause you do it in five, I'm like, how dare you? Yeah.

How dare you? What does that have to do with what we're talking about? Quick brains. Who is your best Asian friend? Who was or who is? Could be in the past, could be now. Well, I started with Margaret Cho. Oh, interesting.

And she just won a gazillion dollars on Jeopardy. And she has an incredible album. Who knew? She's got a beautiful singing voice. Whoa! No kidding! No, really beautiful singing voice. Wow! Yeah. Damn.

I know, very impressed with her. Okay, so that's your best Asian friend. Who is yours? I don't really have one. That's why's why I ask people because I'm kind of like I think it's interesting that Asians make up so Much of the country, but we're not really friends with them Who's the worst Opener that you ever had like you show up to a city and they got somebody, they got somebody that's gonna open for you.

You know how many times I started and whoever the opener was would be like, and the puncher would be like, big pussy, anyway, misogynist, misogynist, misogynist, give it up for Carol and Rhea. And I'm like, thanks buddy. Really set the table So any of those guys? Okay. Yeah And you?

Well, I can't I can't get into mine. Okay, this is about you. This is fastballs with fastballs. Okay When's the last time you apologized? I'm sure within the last 24 hours. I know I need specifically, when did you apologize? Or the most significant one you've done recently? Well, I said I was sorry that I was late today because I took ways. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Cop out. Cop out? I just- Have you ever- I live such an exemplary moral life. Cop out. Cop out? I just... Have you ever... I live such an exemplary moral life. I don't know anyone that I could say I was sorry to.

Really. Anyway, go on. It's not like we didn't just... Next question, lesser being. Go on. We just talked about what a noble act it is to apologize. Now you can't even think of one. I know.

I just literally apologize to you. I wrote, I'm so sorry. All right. Yeah. What's the closest you ever came to being attacked on stage? Oh, it was at, it was like 1990 at... Long Island or Jersey, I'm guessing.

No, Catch a Rising Star, Upper East Side. That was your club, that was your home room. That was my home room. And I said, you know, I was like aggressively, you know, bantering. Like, you know, when you start, when you walk to the stage in New York and people are like, you're fat and you're not funny.

You're like, I'm not even at the mic. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm not fat. Give me some time. Yeah. And you're not even from this country. Exactly. So and I said to this, I said to this guy, go and I assume this is your second wife. And that was it. She like came after me behind the bar. I think Alan Havy had to protect me.

Like, you are. And I was like, oh, it was so scary. That's bar. I think Alan Havy had to protect me. He's like, you are a bastard, and I was like, ah! It was so scary. That's good, I like that. What is, have you ever not finished a set on stage? Yes. I was in a college in Staten Island, and a guy had a chain that he was swinging and like a knife.

And I was like, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. What did he look like? It was the college of Staten Island somewhere. I don't know what it was. Wow. But I remember the Staten Island, although deceptively close to New York

is about a four day drive. Yes. Yeah. And a boat. Yeah, a boat and then ending in a bridge and a toll and about a $9. Yeah. And woods.. Yeah. A boat and then ending in a bridge and a toll and about a nine dollar. Yeah. And woods. All of a sudden you're like, wait, this is a borough of New York and I'm going through woods. Yeah. It was weird. Yeah. Staten Island is weird. All right. Final question. Uh huh. What's the hackiest bit that you've ever done? Oh, God.

Well, I don't know that it's hacky. Oh, I know. I think this is the hackiest bit I've ever done. I wish that women had GPS systems in their body, too. It would help men with those directions. You are half an inch from your destination turn left other left Recalculating

That's pretty hacky All right, Caroline Ray is coming to a place near you especially if you live in Honolulu April 18th and 19th at the Blue Note. Have you been there? No, that sounds like a nice gig. I know, right? Have you been there before? No, but I've been, I've, I've never played, Hawaii is my last state that I haven't played a club in.

Oh, amazing. But I did perform there and the other act was Mick Fleetwood. This like big corporate event. Really? And Joe Torre. Really? It was crazy. What did he hit balls into the audience?

Kitchen. Also coming to the Grand Theater in Tracy, California. I'm not sure where that is, but that's April 25th. You know what? This is how I find out where I am. This and Instagram. I'm like, these all sound familiar. Maybe I should- Do you know where Tracy, California is? I find out where I am. This and Instagram. I'm like, these all sound familiar. Maybe I should.

Do you know where Tracy, California is? You have to use your ways. It's near Donna. I don't know where Tracy is. No, do you? No, I've never heard of it. I bet it's a casino. No, it's not a casino.

All right, so it's sort of a slow ending. Well, we end with your dates. That's the most important thing. And also see the film. It's called. Oh, Unbearable Christmas. Okay, I have a good question. How many views is your special up to?

Half a million. Yeah. That's so great. I know, it's very exciting. An angle around the world, because half a million people around the world are doing it. No, I was just in Toronto last weekend, and we sold out the shows, and I said, how many people have seen the special?

Three-quarters of the crowd had seen it. It was amazing. That is so great. What club were you playing? The Comedy Bar. I'm going there. Are you? Yes, and I've never played.

It's great. Everyone says it's so good. Oh, it's so great. You know what? You have the soul of a Canadian. I felt like I connected with them. I really did. They're good people. You're going to wish you had the passport of one too soon.

Yeah, I know. And I went to Hamilton also. I'm doing that too. Yeah. I do feel like we're on the same path. You're either about to be or like, oh, Greg was just here. Right. Well, you're the funniest. All right. Well, have fun up there. I love you and thank you so much we're on the same path. You're either about to be or like, I'm like, oh, Greg was just here. Right. Well, you're the funniest, so.

All right, well, have fun up there. I love you and thank you so much for coming on. I love you, thank you. Welcome to It Takes Energy, presented by Energy Transfer, where we talk all things oil and natural gas. Oil and gas drive our economy, ensure our country's security, and open pathways to brighter futures. Every day, more oil and natural gas than you can imagine moves across the U.S. through 2.5 million miles

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