Fitzdog Radio - Dave Attell - Episode 1043

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

My old pal Dave Attell hangs out and we put an end to this whole podcasting thing once and for all. Follow Dave Attell on Instagram @DaveAttell

Welcome to FitzDog Radio. It's raining again in LA. Holy shit. I just left, I don't know, six weeks of solid rain here to go up to Portland, which is supposed to be rainy, where it was fucking sunny and beautiful. Come back to LA, starts raining again. Maybe something's wrong. I don't know, enough about the weather. Oh, we could sit here and talk about the weather all day, but then you'd probably start listening

to the Sklar Brothers or somebody funnier. Fucking love the Sklar. I'm doing a show with the Sklar brothers. They've got a show called Tag It, where you do jokes at the comedy store and then they go on after you and they tag them, which I think gives you, and I think you get to keep the jokes after they give you free jokes., I'll take that. I'll announce it when it's coming up. I was just, I'm in, I'm in a rot mood. Rot, and I tell ya, just one of those fucking days, you know, life sometimes is provident and sometimes life is, uh, like a tornado that sucks you dry financially. It wasn't anything horrible.

Nobody questioned my character. I certainly didn't lose a loved one, but it was just one of those expensive days. I went outside, dent in my car, got to fix that. No note, just to fucking hit and run. And then I get the mail, open it up. There's a doctor's bill, a dentist bill for my daughter. She went to the doctor and he said that her teeth were worn down in the front.

So he had to put a little putty in there. We don't currently have dental on our health insurance. So that bill came in at $2,700. Then I get a bill from my accountant who is very expensive. And I won't even tell you how much that was. And then what was the other thing that happened? Oh yeah. And then the handyman came to fix, we have a flickering light in two of the rooms, just a lightly flickering light. And I didn't know what it was. And he said, oh, it's just, you just need a new switch. Puts in a new switch, $470. What? What? And I don't know. What do I know about switches? I'm not going to stand there and fucking haggle with a guy.

He may know what switches cost. I don't. It sounds high to me. Sounded very high. And so sure enough, I come home tonight, put the light back on. It's fucking, uh, it's, whatchamacallit? I just said it. It's, uh, it's, whatchamacallit, I just said it,

it's, uh, flitting, what it, ah, uh, what it is, what,

what, it flick, flickered, flickered, flickered again, so I text him, and now I, now I got a head of steam after this day,

so I text him, I go, hey, why, why do you come back tomorrow, I guess the light's flickering, I go, why don't you come back tomorrow? Because the light's flickering. I go, why don't you come back tomorrow and refund the money

and I'm going to hire somebody who can fix it. And that's a pissy, that's not a nice thing to do. But this guy, I talked to a few people who all said that seemed extremely high. So I don't mind being ripped off, but don't rip me off and don't get the job done also. You know what I mean? So plug in your prostitution analogy joke there, which I'm not

going to do because it's beneath me. Somebody just sent me a clip of Madonna who I, I, you know, I don't know. I don't want this to be a negative podcast, but Madonna is not like I was never on board with Madonna. I just didn't grow. I grew up during her peak when she was all over the radio. I never got the music. It's, it was saccharine. It was pop.

Everybody threw the word genius around and icon around. I was like, all right, she's not, she does not have a great voice. I mean, quantifiably, quantitatively, does not have a great voice. It's okay. Not a great dancer. Good dancer.

Not a great dancer. Pretty. Not beautiful. Choice of music. Not groundbreaking. not beautiful uh choice of music not groundbreaking she basically took a bunch of sounds that were already around in the early 80s you know she took a little hip-hop feel she took disco and she blended it together okay whatever anyway so someone sends me a clip of her on stage and there's a gentleman in high heels who is which. So he's pulling her across the stage and she's sitting in a chair and he's dragging the chair and it's it's it's bent backwards. So she's leaning back in the chair.

And then this poor gentleman trips on his high heels and he falls to the ground and she falls to the ground and she's singing that song open your heart to me baby i'll be the lock and you be the key or something like first of all could you fucking hit me over the head with a dollar metaphor could you do something that's just that's i said metaphor twice in a five-minute podcast but you get it i mean the lyrics are pretty fucking trite oh you're the lock oh my cock's the key oh that's genius that you're an icon i'm at that time i'm listening to fucking jim mor Morrison who's doing poetry about serpents you know that's

those are lyrics you can get off to anyway so she falls down and the voice track it was clearly a track because you didn't hear her fall and then she starts laughing but the voice is still singing. These people are paying fucking thousand dollars for tickets to sit in an arena and watch a middle

age woman half dance and get dragged around by gentlemen in high heels to a fucking record, a record. What am I? 90? You know, a CD, or an 8-track, whatever they're playing, it's not her singing, I'll tell you that much, Madonna, and then she, I remember she got to a certain age, she was dating a British director, what's that guy's name, Guy, uh, Guy something, Guy Ritchie, She's dating Guy Ritchie. She's hanging out in England. All of a sudden, she comes back to the US.

Guess who talks like a Brit all of a sudden? Okay, Madonna from fucking wherever she's from, Milwaukee. Where's Madonna from? I need a producer

that I can go like this. Where's Madonna from? Anyway. Enough of that. So anyway, so I was up there in Portland. I flew up on a Thursday, and I'm sitting. I walked, and I'm not one of those guys like, if there's a kid sitting next to me on a plane, fantastic.

Especially, it's a two-hour flight to Portland. I love kids. This is a cute little girl. She's about three years old. Blonde hair. Nice mother. I sit in the window seat. Kid's in the middle seat.

And we're, you know, we're chatting it up. And then I go, and the mother goes, yes, she's a twin. I go, oh, well, where's the twin? And she goes, oh, her sister's up in first class with my husband. And I said, huh, huh. So I said, so how does that twin get to sit up in first class? And I guess more importantly, why does that spouse get to sit in first class? And she goes, yeah, my husband does that.

He does? Really? And has that sit with you? to sit in first class and she goes yeah my husband does that he does really and and and how's that sit with you and and and how does that sit with the twin that doesn't get bumped up i mean even a three-year-old knows her seat is smaller than her fucking sisters and so uh it was very it was very weird she and she goes well this one, this daughter has separation anxiety. I'm like, well, your husband clearly doesn't have separation anxiety. He's very relaxed. I walked past him in first class. He's leaning back, drinking a fucking margarita, flirting with the stewardess with warm nuts.

He's got warm nuts in his lap, you know, cause they give you that blanket on your lap, makes your nuts warm. Anyway, this happened to me once I was flying with Aaron and the kids back from Costa Rica. We went to vacation to Costa Rica and whatever airline it was, I had a free, I had free upgrades, you know, cause I flew a lot. So, so they upgrade me to first class and I kind of sheepishly walk back over to her and I was like, Hey honey, craziest thing. Um, they upgraded just me. And she's like, no, not happening. And so I was like, yeah, that's what I thought. So I walked back and I see this guy and he's up there and he's very upset that he didn't get first class. And he's dressed pretty nice. And so I go up and I go, hey, buddy, you can have my first class. I said, I'll just fly back with my family.

I made it sound like I was being noble. And so the guy goes, are you serious? I go, yeah. He goes, no. Really? I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can have my first class seat. And so he goes, oh my God, you have no idea. He goes, I'm in the middle of traveling around the world and blah, blah, blah. So he gets my name and address, which I felt like, all right, this guy flies first class. He wants to send me something. So I get home and like a week later, we get this giant fucking box from Adidas. And the guy had told me that he was a big wig at Adidas. So it had jackets, sweatsuits, sweatshirts, hats, a couple pairs of sneakers, like all this Adidas shit that lasted me a while.

And the guy didn't have to know that I was getting a free upgrade. He just, he just thought I was magnanimous, not like Madonna. Um, what else? So I had some fun in Oregon. Portland's a great comedy town, helium comedy club, one of top, top two favorite clubs in the country for me. And I'm not exaggerating when I say that. Great room, great staff. They treat you great. The crowds are amazing. Everybody thinks, oh, it's so woke in Oregon. First of all, there's no woke inside of a comedy club. If people are making a fuss about what's PC in your comedy club, I don't know what fucking city you're in. But I'm on the road every week and I rarely get somebody yelling because I did an insensitive joke about somebody.

So shut up. Portland was the Wild West. I was doing jokes about abortion. jokes about abortion. I was talking about it late. I go, well, first of all, you guys have assisted suicide here in Oregon. And I said, and you also have legal abortion, which really just is the ultimate assisted suicide. And I'm expecting moans, cheering, cheering for me. And I hadn't written that joke. I wish I have ADD. And so my joke writing really consists of, I have a funny thought while driving. I speak it into my notes of my phone. And then before I go on stage, I jot them down on a piece of paper. And then I kind of figure out the joke on stage. There's no discipline. I have no work skills. I was horrible in school and I rely purely on fear. I go in front of a crowd and I set up the joke. And then out of

the terror of abject silence, I come up with something that will fill the silence with laughter. That's just, I mean, whatever, a shrink would go back to my childhood. I don't know what, but that's how it works for me. And I think it does for a lot of comics. I always say it's like, it's like I make an outline of the joke, but I color it in on stage. And so I think a lot of comics have this kind of mental state. Some guys are writers. Like you look at an Anthony Jeselnik. His shit is crafted. That guy sharpens some fucking pencils and sits down, turns off his phone and writes.

And I love it. But I don't have that skill set. So I record it and then I listen to the tape the next... Who cares? What is this, a TED Talk? Dave Attell is on the podcast. Why are you talking? Nobody wants to hear you talk.

Anyway, other stuff I'll talk about later. I'm just realizing that I need to get to Attell. My agent, oh, by the way, I was supposed to go to Alaska and I had announced those dates, but my agent called me. He goes, do you want to do these four nights in different places of Alaska in March? And I thought about it, and I called him back, and I said yes. And then he called me last week, and he goes, it's canceled.

And I realized, oh, oh, I see. There was never a gig in Alaska. He was trying to see how low he can get me. He was trying to find my bottom and he found it, Alaska in March for not great money. But I thought it, honestly, I thought it'd be an adventure. I just saw True Detective the last season. It was all on Alaska. And I was kind of it, honestly, I thought it'd be an adventure. I just saw True Detective the last season. It was all on Alaska. And I was kind of like, yeah, let me go check that shit out. So anyway, it's going to be rescheduled.

It'll hopefully be in the summer where the sun never sets. And I will take a lot of sleeping pills. I will, however, be at the Rec Room in Huntington Beach on March 1st, La Jolla Comedy Store March 8th through the 10th, Hollywood St. Patrick's Day Show March 16th, Boca Raton, Misner's Park April 3rd, Tampa at Sidesplitters April 4th through the 6th, and then Mamaroneck, New York after that. Go to FitzDawg.com. Get yourself some tickets. Come see some live comedy. Also, support for FitzDawg Radio comes from Joy Mode. Look, I don't like to talk about sex except when I'm constantly talking about sex. So this is a good sponsor for me. Some people haven't had sex in a while. Some have it so often they can't rally. You need some help rallying? Well, think of me as your first base coach,

and I'm giving you the signal to go for second, and then third, and all the way home. You can get yourself an erection really well with joy mode, and it's good for your health. I'll get into that in a moment. But you don't have to get the, you know, there's some really sketchy pills out there like people get them at gas stations and stuff but uh you but now you can there's bad side effects and you know don't mess with that stuff and plus how often are you having sex you know just get this do it right you see you mix like this concoction of, you take six or eight ounces of water,

you mix it in, and about 45 minutes later, it's go time. And it's nice to know that it's backed by science. I've got my birthdays coming up, and I think I'm going to have a little joy mode sitting on the bedside table. It's like a pre-workout. That's what the sexual performance booster is. It supports erection quality, firmness, and sex drive. It has clinically supported doses of arginine, nitrate. I'm not reading these. Panax, ginseng, and vitamin C. I don't know what

that does, but apparently it's good. It also supports blood vessel support, cardiovascular and heart health, athletic performance, so you can jog to your next session with your woman, blood pressure, all this stuff. So I'm never going back to prescription drugs after trying Joy Mode. I was never on prescription drugs, but I wouldn't go back. I'll tell you that much. It's small enough. It fits in your wallet. Go to usejoymode.com That's 20% off and free shipping with code FitzDawg. Just use J-O-Y-M-O-D-E.com. Use FitzDawg at that place. And there you go. All right. My guest is one of my dearest friends in the world. I've known him for 30 years. And he was a guy that I consider today to be the best comedian in the country. I felt that way about him for as long as I've known him. He constantly writes great new shit and then

he also goes on stage and riffs better than anybody I've ever seen. He's a true club comic. He was on SNL. He actually used to help me. He would ask me to help him write stuff when he was on SNL. I'd meet him in coffee shops late at night and, uh, he'd bounce his stuff. I wouldn't help him write it. He'd bounce his stuff off of me. And I would go, that's fucking better than anything on this show right now. Um, I, he asked me to be the head writer on the gong show when he hosted that. And whatever he's a he's a dear friend and i just the most generous decent good guy so psyched that he came by and i hope you enjoy it here's my talk with the great david tell Welcome to the podcast.

David Tell is my guest. This is his 12th appearance on FitzDog Radio. Has it been 12? How does that feel? Wow, dude. How far am I away from a free Jamba Juice? Did you bring your card so I can punch it? I've lost my card.

Take my word for it. Well, thanks for having me on. I guess I'm a series regular, correct? You're a series regular, so your quote just went up to zero. Zero. I think the only guy that ever paid for a podcast is Ari Shafir. Remember he used to pay you to come on his podcast? Very, very good. And also, you know, let's face it, Ari's a good man.

Yeah. And I was saying it yesterday. He's one of the few people of the tribe, Jews, who skis. He's a skier. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Who does he like? I heard he's got Palestine with the points. Jeez. What? I would say this. First of all all you don't have to pay me okay catching up like this in the basement of a comedy club right it's the way to do it and i love how your color palette matches the room does it yeah it's all black and well this reminds me when i used to do uh shout outs for q anon don't believe what you read. If you can read. Yeah.

Research it. Yeah. It's a podcast called Research It. Yes. I'll see you on telephone. So, Greg, how is everything? This is the rainy season, correct? Oh, my God.

Did you catch a pat? It's never this bad. Is it real rain or just the tears of all the award winners who didn't win? I was best. That's why you're supposed to do red carpet in front of your house, just to absorb all the tears. So, yeah, you got to get out of town before someone asks you to host an award show. Yeah, I know. You got to duck that.

They can't find anybody. Poor Joe Coy, who I like. I think Joe Coy is funny. Joe is great. Yeah. And I. They can't find anybody. Poor Joe Coy, who I like. I think Joe Coy is funny. He's great. Yeah. And I think he got a hard time. He came in at the last minute and he didn't call me. If he called me, I would have wrote him some jokes. Yeah, that's right. You're a higher gun, man. I mean, give me a celebrity. I'll give you a joke. Oh, right off the bat like this. You mean like in a host situation? Yeah. like if I was the host of an award show. Okay. Oh, a celebrity. Yeah. Okay.

Let's see what's coming to mind here right now. A Leonardo. Leonardo DiCaprio. More like Leonardo Di... I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't have come in. That would have fit right in with his stuff. No, I thought he was in a tough spot and Joe should have just said like first of all, you know I'm not the first choice.

You should have listed all the other people they asked to do it and said no. It could have gone on forever. It would have been hilarious. Right. Amy Schumer passed.

Everybody passes. Oh, by the way, I saw you on Amy's show this season. I did. You were great. You were typecast as the rabbi.

Yeah, exactly. So topical. Yes. They're still talking about it at Columbia University. I'm a big hit over at Harvard. I think the hardest thing for you is like you had to be the rabbi who's doing the wedding, but you can't talk for like a lot of it.

Yeah. And I just see your face and you're sitting there going like. It's called acting. Yeah. And I don't like it. I'm not an actor. Are you an actor? I mean, we never really got into this.

I went to the neighborhood playhouse for two years. Really? Studied acting. Wow. Yeah. And did that lead to, you know, Nothing. Improv classes?

Yes, improv. No, I studied it and I loved the classes. I'd go to class Monday through Thursday and then on the weekends I'd fly out and do stand-up. Wow. I didn't know any of this. Yeah. And, um, but I never, and then I used to get a lot of development deals. I wasn't hard on the eyes when I was in my twenties. You're a good looking kid. Yeah, that's for sure. So I used to get all these development deals and then I would have to write the script and it would always be some guy who like, he wrote the, uh, candle wax episode of Seinfeld.

You know, the one nobody's heard of. Yeah. But he had an overall deal, and then I'd do it with him. And then, like, script would always be so bad, I never even got to act. I never got to shoot a pilot. Yeah. But he got paid. He got paid a lot.

You know, I'm sorry I was half listening, because I was thinking about how good looking you were when you were young. You were Boston hot. Like, you could fight and you could dance. Yeah, right. That kind of guy. Not a mullet, but shorter than it should be and longer than it should be. Like, you know, hey, let's get a couple of,

what's your lingo there again? Pops or something? What do you guys say? Get a couple of Frosties. Yeah, something like that. And then, you know, whoa, where are you from? Quincy? And, you know, somebody fights and then you dance or something.

I don't know. I don't know what goes on there. It starts as a fight and then you start dancing, whoa, where are you from, Quincy? And, you know, somebody fights and then you dance or something. I don't know. I don't know what goes on there. It starts as a fight and then you start dancing. Then you dance. Yeah. Yeah. So, hey, do you miss Boston? I remember we ran into each other.

It was like zero degrees there. You remember that? That was fun. You were with Louis Katz and I bought out. Yes, Louis, great comic, by the way. Great comic. Special on YouTube. He's been on the show.

He just came on about a month ago and we promoted the podcast. I love it. He was great. What do you think of this whole YouTube now? Jesus, are you going to stack up the questions on me? Oh, I'm sorry. It's your show. We were talking about Boston. John Tobin, the club owner John Tobin was there. He said it was

hanging out with you. He literally said it was the greatest night of his life. He didn't say it that way, though. He said, sweetheart. Hey, chappy. All that pirate talk you guys have. It's not pirate talk. Come on, sweetheart. Hey.

Hey. Where did you learn your Boston accent? Watching Lenny Clark and all those guys. Hey, Fitzy, it was the greatest fucking night of my life. Patel was there. He was busting my balls. It was fucking sweet, kid. No one speaks like that there now.

No, I know. It's such a different town. Now they're all from Toledo. Toledo, India. I mean, it's such an international city now. I mean, really, it's crazy. Yeah, which is really great when the race, it's easier to be a racist when they actually come to your city. I know. In the old days, they, it's crazy. Yeah, which is really great when the race, it's easier to be a racist

when they actually come to your city. In the old days, they lived in a neighborhood where there was no minorities. That would have been a great thing during the busing. Now, it's too late. Yeah. But yeah, Boston's good. The Wilbur is a great one.

Is that where you work when you're in town? Yeah, but you know, I'm like so small on the Wilbur lineup, you know. You gotta be able to like hit them with like 10 weeks of shows, like straight up. Like you gotta, I'm, like, so small on the Wilbur lineup. You know, you got to be able to, like, hit them with, like, 10 weeks of shows, like, straight up. Like, you got to sell it out straight like that for them to really, you know, go like, hey, well, this is our guy. That's a great theater, though. I think Bill Bird did, I don't know how many nights. It was crazy.

Like, 20 nights or something. He rocks it out. I did it once, and then they were like, yeah, you're not quite there yet. So now I don't work there. I don't know what to tell you. Some of these theaters like i did a theater in atlanta and i'm not a theater guy club guy yeah but i haven't been in atlanta in so long so like the theater worked but uh great time great crowd we even added a show

half full but uh you know still it's like any other thing waiting to get paid you know i'm like uh where's that uh oh we wired it i'm like okay, you don't get handed a check? I like that. Usually do, but when you do theaters, they don't do that. Yeah. I think the handing of the check, though, is over now. Everybody goes like, you know, just put it into like a crypto matrix or something like that. Yeah, just give it directly to charity. What's your charity?

You do one for the troops, right? I did stuff for the military family. I did a bunch of them like for the veterans and their families and the stuff that they go through. But as of right now, my biggest charity is my mom. Right. I have her in around-the-clock care. And my mom has dementia, which is weird because we never knew she played football. So, sorry.

That's one of my bits there. Well, I don't remember you. Well, you figure she's bumping into walls. Let's put a helmet on. Yeah. Well, whatever. So that is very expensive, but you know, the round the clock care and you're a good son. I know that. So, um, you know, as older adults, I was talking to this on another podcast is that like, you know, this is, this is what we do. And like, I'm pretty lucky that I'm able to like handle this, you know, like go on the road and, you know, make some money. But there's a lot of people who are like, had to like basically leave their job and move back home to live with it. And it's not as funny as it would be on a sitcom. It's kind of your life is now, your dream is done and now you're kind of the caregiver of your parents. So, and you know,

and now you're kind of the caregiver of your parents. Yes. So, and you know, it's not much fun. No, no, my mom is showing her very early pre-signs. Like she's like things, like she told me the other day that she was going to, she was going to send me something on the intercom. That's funny.

That's great. But no, she's good. I mean, I'm sorry you're going through all that with your mom but i know you're you really are the best son i mean i wouldn't say that no you are you go up and visit her a lot i'm all right sorry valentine's day you posted giving her a little teddy bear yeah but you see the look in her eyes she had that's like kind of crazy glare in her eyes she's like i have no idea with who this guy is. But, you know, let me just say one thing. Yeah. Okay. First of all, you go out on the road.

All you're thinking about is what's going on back there. The minute you're back there, you're like, I got to get back out on that road. Well, it's like marriage. Yeah. It is. It's like people say to me, I'll be married 25 years this year. Come on. Thank you.

When you were at the wedding. In this town. Wow. That's not bad. That's fantastic. But people go, what's the secret? And it's like, the secret is St. Louis, Funny Bone, Thursday to Saturday. Oh, that's right.

And then marriage Sunday to Wednesday. Wow. That's why I like those guys that like, you know, they work factory job for like 20 years and then they're retired. That's when things get a little crazy. Now they're home all day. Yep. And also when kids move out, huge divorce rate the year that the kids move out.

And you realize that like we don't really have that much to say to each other. But my wife, we actually, we literally love hanging out. We joke around. We fucking go out on dates. What's a good date for a 20 plus year married couple we go out with like other people from our neighborhood like we live in Venice and everybody's kind of friends with each other so we'll just go to a restaurant and or we go to somebody's house and like everybody brings food over that's nice we have poker nights she doesn't play poker but like I play poker with the guys in the neighborhood see that's the thing you guys have friends you

know there's a lot of people who don't have friends, you know? And then like when they get older, you're like, look at them, all their friends. It's like, no, they never had friends. Right. But now they're kind of like bearing the, you know, like the fruit, you know, like the harvest is there. Yeah. So that's good. It's good that you have a support group for the two of you.

Yeah. And you got, I know you got good friends in New York. I just, I just emailed back and forth with, what's his name? He's good friends with Sarah, too. Juskow. Yeah, David Juskow. Yeah, she's my longtime friend. I sent him my special to give me notes on it,

because I consider him like a real comedy aficionado. No, he gave me good notes. He did? He was so positive. He was like, this is so great. But it's like, I don't want somebody to say that. Like, I want hard cuts. Like, I want to trim it down. From Jeskow?

Yeah. Jeskow has a lot of things. You know, he can dance. He can sing. He does comedy. Yeah. He also is a teacher now. He has a, he's a professor. I don't know if you know that. Teaching comedy, right? He's, well, he teaches, it's a very interesting thing what he does, where he takes a classic movie from the 80s and he brings it to today's youth, you know, like to the students and talks about the times and the movies.

So very interesting. Really? Yeah. Great way to like, I guess you could say, teach history in a way, cultural, whatever. That's amazing. So that's what he does. What school? What's that? What school? I'm not allowed to say that. Oh, Jesus. He probably wants students a way, cultural, whatever it is. That's amazing. So that's what he does. What school? What's that?

What school? I'm not allowed to say that. Oh, Jesus. He probably wants students. No, no, no. But he's doing the best he can. And he also has multiple podcasts. And he also runs the Comedy Cellar podcast, I think.

Yeah, I've been on it many times. Comedy Cellar Zoom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. You've been on many times. Many times. And what does the winner get? To work the cellar?

No, the winner gets like, we always do these football pools. He's very into football. Yes. So you have to make your predictions and then somebody wins, like whoever gets the most right wins. That's cool. But you don't like football. No, I'm in his football pool anyhow. I'm kind of like a-

Oh, you are. It's like, you know, I've been like grandfathered in, you know, from years and years of lending him money. He always puts me in there at the age. So, yeah, no, he's a great guy. And, you know, I would have taken a look at it. I'm a very big fan of your work. You know that. I would love to send it to you.

I didn't want to impose. There's some of your jokes that I still think about all the time, like the fountain material. Oh, yeah. We talked about that for a while. Yeah, right. And like every time I come up with a fountain bit, I use yours as the reference of like, what a good fountain bit is. Yeah, yeah.

Well, you've given me a lot of good taglines over the years. Thanks. I had that thing about the Redskins, the Washington Redskins. And I said, just imagine like 11 Navajos, you know, if they were really Redskins, they should only draft actual Native Americans. Yeah.

And you said, and they have the best defense in the league because they don't want to give up any more territory. Too soon. Too soon. What have you gotten a groan on lately from a crowd that you didn't expect? Oh, my God. Well, you know, I hate to say it, but my crowd is so good. And I was in San Diego, and I couldn't even keep up with them.

They were that good. But my crowd on the road and my openers, like Louis Kass and Ian Fadans and all these guys that, Ryan Reid, all these guys that have been opening for me, they're always like, man, your crowd is so good. But when I play like the Cellar or, you know, New York or LA, that's where the groans seem to be happening

because it's not your crowd. And I understand that. You still got to try out these jokes. So I don't know. I think the groan now has become replaced by the wow. Like one guy in the crowd will just be like, wow, where did that come from? Yeah, yeah. You know, and I'm like, whoa, what is that?

Startup talk? Wow, I can't believe we. And that's on the premise or that's on the punchline? Usually the punchline. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to think. That's a really good question. How about yourself?

Any groans out there? I mean, are you going for that? Because sometimes, you know, the self-destruction. Yeah. That's the one thing we all have is the self-destruction. I do some abortion jokes. What? Yeah.

I'm out of here. I'm trying to think of something about how, you know, it's all these rich Republicans that want to get rid of abortion. Yeah. And meanwhile, like, there's going to be a revolution in this country at some point, because the rich are just getting richer and the poor are getting poor. And you got to think, do you really want the other side to have that many more soldiers? Because the Republicans' daughters are getting abortions. They can afford to get them. So I don't know. I think that's a good premise. That's a good, that's a great start. I like that. The political stuff is over. And I know, cause when I like, you know,

I showed my special to a bunch of people and like COVID and politics, they say like, are the things that people turn off on. So I looked at my special and I'm like, okay, I got like, uh, I'm like, that's not me. I'm not a political guy. You know, I don't have, it's like five minutes in there. I'm like, damn it. But I didn't reedit it. I said, you know what? I'm like, that's not me. I'm not a political guy. You know, I don't have, it's like five minutes in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

Right. But I didn't reedit it. I said, you know what? I'm going to live with it. Yeah. I mean, the thing is,

is like you said, your audience, you've got your audience. Yeah. And they don't give a, they're not going to turn it off. They're great. After a political joke.

Yeah. No, they, they also like jokes. So like, you know, when I get the openers in there and they start doing their jokes

and everything, they know they can push it. Yeah. And I think people really appreciate it. And also I try So like, you know, when I get the openers in there and they start doing their jokes and everything, they know they can push it. Yeah. And I think people really appreciate it. And also I try and use, you know, some locals, give them some guest spots, all that kind of stuff. But as an old man in comedy, you know, like I would say that like we all have the filter up, you know, at least I do. Yeah. The filter up most of the time.

So, you know, there's a lot of great jokes that have gotten away, you know what I'm talking about? Right. Now, are you Team Taylor or Team Travis? We're talking about the— Taylor Swift and— Oh, okay, good. I'm sorry. Let me adjust my skirt. Travis Kelsey.

First of all, I'm on both teams because, you know, what I was thinking, did I tell you this? This is like, you know, Taylor is like, I don't know, they're going to study her and her career and whatever for years. Yeah. She's a year away from being old enough to be president, you know? Right, right. And, uh, and that would mean that she's about 60 years away from actually being president. So, but, but I was like, you know, like she has an amazing life. She's built an amazing, you know, career.

Right. That like in, um, when she was in Tokyo, she was flying back for the Superbowl that she should have, you know, her songs are always about like loss and like these guys, you know, not good guys. So it's like, and he never called me back. Good night, Tokyo. I'm getting on a private jet and I'm going to the Superbowl where my boyfriend is playing. Okay. Losers go eat some ice cream or whatever you do over here. Bye. Thanks for feeling sorry for me.

See you in a little while. Gotta go. Don't forget, T-shirts on sale outside. I won't be signing them. I'll be on a jet. That's the, now we're finally talking about the one thing you and I connect on, merch. Yes. Now it's a dirty word, but merch is where it's at.

For a while there, I was broke. Yeah. Like in the beginning of the year, I had taxes. My mom, the round the clock care, that's six figures, you know, easy. And I was like, man, my guy's like, you got no money. And I go, I got this PayPal money. So like we were living off of that. Trying to crack it, bring it back out.

So I was like, thank you. Do you pay taxes on the PayPal money? Yeah, you do. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So I noticed that you sell like a lot of bumping mics i actually had my bumping mics hat on before i left the house so i went back to the car because i thought i

bought it but i bought the wrong hat that would have been great if you had it on now would have been a great moment it would have been nice except for what are you rocking there what is that again this is i was doing some dates with uh Kreischer and we were in Savannah, Georgia and we went into the, like whatever arena we were playing, this was the hockey team there. And so they gave us all sweatshirts and t-shirts and hats. Bert is really cool. You got to bring an extra bag when you go on tour with Bert because you come up with

so much shit. Yeah. It is like, honestly, for me, like I was just talking with Bert is like Bert is good to everybody. Yeah, that's the thing. Like usually like, you know, like in the comedy world, like once you make it and let's face it, Bert is a star. Yeah. You know, he is a star, but he still loves doing that. Just like the comedy and being with the comics.

Usually people like, yeah, well, now I'm this guy and I don't know. He loves it. And he's a great hang. Yeah. And he's funny. And I was with Tom Segura, also people are like, yeah, well, now I'm this guy. And I don't need, no, he loves it. And he's a great hang. Yeah. And he's funny. And I was with Tom Segura, also another great guy. Right, right. And, you know, to be honest, I would say that, like, that Burt tour, I think deserves more

attention, you know? I would say it's Taylor, Beyonce, Burt, in terms of. I think, well, I think he's the highest grossing comic on the road, right? He should be. That's a fun tour, man. It's not just that he's selling out arenas. It's that he's doing it 250 nights a year. Yeah.

He doesn't stop. He doesn't stop. And I'm telling him, like, man, you got to, like, you know, like, I don't know what relaxing is for a guy like you, but you got to do that. Right. Well, he brings a trainer on the road with him, which is funny, because I was on the road with him for a week. And this trainer was there, and she used to be Tom Cruise's trainer. Oh, really? And she's great. She's very cool. I can't remember her name right now, but like we worked out once for like 40 minutes in the whole week, but she's there seven days a week, 24 hours a day just waiting. Yeah, waiting.

That's, uh, Berta and Tom both lost, uh, they lost some weight. So that's good. But you've always like, what is the secret? Is it a diet thing? What is it? You're always thin, yeah. Yeah. I'm thin, but I'm just hyper. Like, I'm always bouncing my leg, and I kind of eat whatever I want. Is that what you think it is, the bouncing of the leg? No, I work out.

That's all you need now for your own diet. Yeah. Bounce a leg. Yeah, take some Adderall, bounce a leg. No, I go to the gym like four days a week. Wow. You work out, too, right? I remember seeing you like at Union Square Park with a kettlebell once or something.

Yeah, that's what helped me get a good shoulder operation. I think now me not knowing what I'm doing with a kettlebell. Yeah. Oh, you didn't have a trainer? No, I had a trainer for a while, but then like I would just like, you know, like you're like, I'm going to watch TV and work out. This is a good and i think all of those sessions of what like you know my my shoulder just like blew up it was just bad so yeah i got that operation now i'm back out there and uh you know they give you opiates for you for the pain yeah i was telling them i was telling some other guys i was like they have this pain patch that they put on your shoulder you like

it block it's a blocker so for like 12 hours you don't feel the surgery yeah and i'm like this is amazing they pull it off and it's like incredibly pain so i was like i wanted to put it like right on my head just like what would that do yeah i got shoulder surgery and they gave me opiate this is back when opiates were easy to get and so uh and i didn't really know how i always I always enjoyed taking like, you know, codeine or whatever. But I had one, my physical therapist was writing me a prescription,

my general practitioner and my surgeon. So I had three different prescriptions. I was taking like five or six a day for like six months. Yeah. Wow. Hydrocodone, Oxycontin, all this shit. When was this?

This was like seven, eight years ago. And I got to the point where, and I'm embarrassed to say this. I don't know if I've ever said this on the podcast. Say it. If I went to like a dinner party and I was taking a piss, I would look in the medicine cabinet. I'm going to de-hat for that. There you go. Now do-rag Dave is here.

Hey, you look like a Wayne now. That ain't right. I'm back. It's Dave and Wayne. Wow. So how did you get off it? Did you have to go into a program? I just went off it and- Cold turkey. Cold turkey. And honestly, I was suicidal for two days. I was literally suicidal. That's how dark it was. Because the problem is when you take opiates, you have endorphin receptors. Yeah. Endorphins are one of those things that makes you, one of those chemicals that makes you feel good. Okay. And those get clogged up by the opiates. So when you go off of them, it can't receive the endorphins. Oh, right. So you don't feel any happiness at all

for a couple of days. And then when you don't get, when you don't take the medicine, then you just feel the withdrawal like hitting you and everything. Yes, yes. That's tough. You sweated it out though.

Yeah. You see a lot of that on the street, by the way. I think a lot of the issues with these people, you know, doing crazy stuff is that, which is withdrawal. Yeah. And also, you know, I think also I'm not a pot guy

and I never really was one, but I think there's like a stronger strain of weed out there that is like definitely getting these people like to a level of like, you know, just nuts. So yeah, it makes you really antisocial and agoraphobic. Like a lot of kids now, teenagers are smoking this weed and you know, I smoke once in a while. I take one hit. I'm good. I'm fucking high. And then teenagers are smoking this weed and you know i smoke once in a while i take one hit i'm good i'm fucking high

and then teenagers are smoking whole joints and then they just sit in the room and they get on instagram and like i don't know if you get stuck on tiktok ever but like i know it's so addictive yeah and i've seen it i can see how it is and you add pot to that and kids are just not doing anything anymore and is the weed uh, does it make you hungry or like, what does it do? Uh, it doesn't make me hungry, but it makes me like, I don't like doing it with people. Like sometimes I'll have like an edible if I'm on the road and it's like a Friday night and I'm fucking depressed. I'll just like after the late show, I'll take an edible, but I don't like to be around people once I do it. Well, that's good. Yeah, I can't talk. Man.

Well, you know, hey, whatever gets you through the weekend because they are long. And, you know, sleep is important. How is your sleep? Sleep is good, but every night I take a sleeping pill, which I think is bad. I don't know. Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

Does it work or now are you building a tolerance? It works. I used to take Ambien and I would try to sleep fuck. Like I would wake up, not wake up and I would start dry humping my wife and she'd have to push me off of her. Wow. And, uh, maybe she's the one who, uh, what's her call? So yeah, maybe you guys need like separate rooms or something.

I'll be in the Ambien room. Yeah. I'm jealous of these people who are great sleepers because I never was, but now as an old man with an old man prostate, I have to get up

pretty much every 90 minutes, you know, to go to the bathroom. Really? And then my teeth, you know, like bone loss. So I just had a root canal,

but I think we root canaled the wrong tooth. Oh, shit. Which is really bad. And they're expensive, these root canals, you know. Do you have coverage for that?

Probably not. Yeah. I mean, I'm not in the, I root canals. Do you have coverage for that? Probably not. Yeah. I mean, I'm not in the, I don't know, what's the strike about that too? You get up every 90 minutes? It feels like it. It feels like I'm getting up and having to go to the bathroom. Can you get back to sleep after that? I don't know.

I don't even know what I'm doing there sometimes. I feel like I'm asleep. I feel like I'm dreaming, but it's really just probably thinking. And then driving is another problem. I've never needed glasses. Now I need them pretty much to drive. But it's like, when I go see my mom, there's so much traffic on Long Island that like, I'm like, I'm going to like wet my pants by the time I get there. So I'll fit right in, you know, everybody there has wet their pants, but yeah, it's sad, you know, like, just like those little things, you know, like,

and I'm like, this is still the good times. I know we're at that age where all of our parents are not all of them, but a lot of them are like in your mom's situation where they require a lot of energy and care. And, uh, I feel bad. Cause like my mom lives in Florida. Like I'm flying down next week to just spend like five days with her. But you know, my sister gets the brunt of it because my mom goes to New York for like three months a year in the summer. And my sister's husband is a construction guy. So he built like a really nice apartment

downstairs in my house. That's the best. But it's like really on her then because she gets all of her medical stuff done in New York. That's my sister too. She's the primary care. She's an angel. I mean, it is so stressful.

It's another job. Right. My sister's a teacher. She has a job. Right. It's like another job. Right. You know, like I really, like we couldn't do without her.

How far does she live from her? She lives in Connecticut. Yeah. So, you know, I bought a house from my mom on Long Island and kind of like in the same place where we grew up. But, you know, it's just difficult, like, because traffic is terrible there. Yeah. Connecticut's a Long Island. It's brutal. And like, it's one thing to be in traffic,

to go to a fun thing. But when you go into a sad thing, you know, it's like, it's not like we get out and there's like rides or anything. Yeah. Yeah. No, my mom listens to this podcast sometimes. So I have to be careful what I say. Well, does she call herself Mrs. Fitzsimmons or no? You got a great son here. You should bring her on the podcast. What do you think? I did once. Yeah?

Yeah, she was great. Was that like a holiday episode? I think we were talking about, it was my dad's 30th anniversary of his death. Wow. And so we brought her on and we told funny stories. There was a lot of funny stories about my dad. He was like, you would have loved him.

He was a real New Yorker. Like, grew up in the Bronx. Yeah. And, like, six foot one, big drinker, life of the party. And a professional broadcaster. Yeah. Before there was all this where everybody could do it. Right, right, right.

No offense. No offense at all. It's like I went into the family business, but, like, the business is failing. And so he used to, like, we would walk into bars and restaurants and, like, everybody would be like, business is failing. And so he used to like, we would walk into bars and restaurants and like everybody would be like, hey, Fitz. We'd go to like Mets games.

Hey, Fitz, you know? And it was kind of exciting, but like he really knew how to handle it. Like he really was good. He'd shake everybody's hand and take pictures. You know, there wasn't selfies then, but like, you know, people would take pictures and he made like, uh,

enough money. Like people today have to make like a half a million dollars to live the kind of life that you lived. Like he didn't make that much, but like we lived a really good life. Oh yeah. No, you need money to actually just get through. Like that's the way I see it. Right.

You know, otherwise, otherwise everything is like a really life or death decision. You know, like I make so many bad choices and like during the pandemic, I bought so many things that like I didn't need. I was like trying to build things and like, you know, I had ideas and everything and all that stuff's garbage. But I'm like, if I was really like, you know, like living check to check, like I would be like, man, none of this could have happened. I couldn't have done any of that. Right. What did you try to build? I'm always trying to work on another kind of project or something like that. But I would be like, man, none of this could have happened. I couldn't have done any of that. What did you try to build? I'm always trying to work on another kind of project or something like that. I would say that the one skill set I wish I had was like, I wish it was good with my hands. Like I was able to build things.

Like I never like, you know, like didn't really come from a family of that. Like we were always like not tool people. Like we had tools, but no one really knew how to use them. So I wish I had like all those skill sets. And I also think that, you know. Did you and your dad ever build anything? Like a go-kart or something? We built a drinking problem.

No, he, my dad wasn't that kind of guy. My dad was retail, you know, he liked to work. And like, you know, he was really cool that way. And my dad also like over, let's see, he died in 99. So like, it's been a while, but when I go back to his grave and everything like that, there still is just a sadness because I can't tell him anything has happened. Yeah.

It's like, yeah, well, I'm thinking I might do DC again. It's like nothing big I can tell him. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, I don't know, man, but it's in this kind of like— That is hard because like when you, most people when they get older, I think one of the great things is like having your father watch you kind of go through the things that he went through.

Right. And being able to like talk to him about it, get advice. Like the only advice I got was like, you know, how to get started in a career. Right. And then he died before I really had a career. Yeah, that's the sad of it.

He didn't get to see you like, you know. My you know, um, they both saw me since my mom was, you know, wouldn't remember, but they saw me do a late night TV show and all that kind of stuff. So I was like, you know, they knew I was professional, but every time I would fail, they'd be like, well, you know, what are you going to do? But, uh, you know, I would say that like, uh, you know, all parents want the best for their kids. I don't know these parents that put all this pressure on them to be a certain thing. Yeah. When, like, that's kind of ridiculous.

You don't know, like, no one's ever, no one ever really, like, knows their kid like that. Yeah. It's like, you know, I want them to be a doctor. I want them to be a lawyer. And I don't think people even want them to do that anymore. I think they want them to do, you know, like tech or something, you know? No, I said to my kids, look, your 20s is exploring. Try a bunch of different shit.

I told you my son's traveling and my daughter is like trying some PA work now on a film. Does that scare you that they might want to go into the business? As long as they have like a specific thing that they want to go after. Like if she said, I want to do hair and makeup. Fucking great. Yeah. That's a skill. There's a union. There's a skill. You know, you get to know people and they like you and they bring you in. But if they just say in general, I want to, I want to be famous. That's a huge red flag that it's like the, there's so many people that just want fame. They don't care what the skillset is. True. And so it's all

about social media and, you know, and then, I don't know, and then it can fade. Like you can, that kind of fame goes away the second you stop feeding it. Right. Well, there's also these, these influencers and stuff like that who actually develop followings, you know, whether it's fashion or food or something like that. And then they try and go like, you know, like real world, like where they're like, I'm going to start a fashion line. I'm going to do all these different things. And they don't have that skill set of like being a CEO of a company or anything like that.

And that's where like it goes wrong and they go public and like it all falls apart. But that's probably just one or two. I'm sure there's some that make it. Any business is like a crapshoot anyhow. But I was like, you know, that's pretty cool that they had that vision and they were able to like game it to like super success but for regular kids you know I'd be like I agree what you say like find out what you want to do in your 20s and all kinds of but also be keep your eyes open to like opportunities right

we kind of live in the world where it's like I didn't know that was going to be a big deal and this thing I had no idea that's the thing that i was told by people when my kids were young is like whatever job your kid ends up doing in the future probably doesn't exist right now and so you can't really go to college to study for something it's a moving target you don't know what you're studying for yeah and for the most part if you're studying uh fucking marketing you're learning from somebody who used to do it. They don't know what's coming in the future. You're learning the old version of anything that you're studying. Oh, wow.

I never even thought of that. Except for David Jaskow. Yeah, I think he's got his finger on what's happening. He really is. Yes, he's a futurist. So is that a green light for college or is a yellow light of like, maybe don't go? I think big yellow light right now. Really?

My son graduated in the spring. My daughter started and now she's taking a little, she took this semester off. And you're happy with that? Yes, absolutely. Because she doesn't know what she wants and she doesn't know what she wants to study. So it's like, look, we've been saving our whole lives and we have enough money to put them through college. Right. And I don't care about the money, but like this is a big opportunity for you to go like, let me go out in the world, experience some things, get excited about something and then go to school to do that. You know, maybe it's a teacher, you know, whatever. Like she she thought she wanted to be a preschool teacher.

And so she started doing that and she found out how much they get paid. She's like, it's like literally the lowest paying job in the country. It's the most unappreciated profession out there. But I would say this is that, you know, with these kids, they go to college, you know, a lot of it is just to get out of their house. But the majority of them, like, don't really have the same issues we have with our parents. Like, they don't mind, like, living off parents for a while right right so i i think it's cool like uh i know that like um you know my niece went to ivy league school like she's super like smart and everything like that and like uh you know my brother like she took a gap year and he was like cool i don't have to you know pay that money for that year but you know like these people like they they belong like you

know it seems to fit you know but like if i wanted to take a year off when I was going to college, my parents would have been like disowned. They would have been like, no, you finish, you know, and I hated college. So I was like, I'm just finishing for you. This is not for me at all now. You know, when I finished high school, my grades were so fucking bad. I had all D's and I hated school. I have like a learning disability. And so, so after high school, I said, I'm not going to go to college. I'm like a learning disability. And so after high school,

I said, I'm not going to go to college. I'm going to travel for a year. So I worked two jobs for like six months and then I backpacked through Europe for six months by myself. Yeah. And while I was gone, my father goes,

hey, congratulations. I said, what? He goes, you got into Boston University. I go, I didn't apply to Boston University. He goes, congratulations. They applied for you. He filled it out. He filled out the essay.

And like, cause I would write him like letters from Europe. And so he took like my stories and my adventures that I was writing him and he put it into an essay and he sent it in. And I, so that fall I went and I, it turns out I fucking loved it. Like it was a really good experience, but I needed that year because I,

I wasn't ready to go. And then, and then I sort of realized that life is kind of tough. Like working jobs is hard. And, and I just felt, I felt like, you know, there was things I was curious about. Like I actually enjoyed learning in college. I feel like I've done more learning now than I've ever done in my life.

And that I always was curious about stuff. I like history and all that kind of stuff. So now it's really at your fingertips. Yeah. Like, you could just go online. You know, there's great documentaries out there. There's, like, you know, interesting books. You know, like, you know, there's a lot of things that, like, absorb a lot of my time that are just really, like really like learning. And unfortunately I'm at the age now where I can't remember any of it.

Right. Like I really wish, you know, like if anything, I wish I had like a hard drive that I could put all this info and I could just do it into my head when I want to talk about it. Cause like, I love like taking like a real thing on stage and then like trying to like find the funny in it, you know? And like, you know, it's just like some of the stuff is so fascinating that was way above and beyond anything I ever learned in a like setting, you know? And that was just because I wanted to learn it, you know?

And they give you just enough of what you need. And now there's so much cultural and political, you know, like shade on all of these programs. So it's good to just like, as an adult, there is something to about like a night school or continuing education. Like when you get older, like, you know, I don't know if I'm going to do this forever, but it would be cool to like, Hey, get a degree in like, um, what did you say earlier? Marketing. Yeah. Right. Well, I think that there's, uh, um, most people like their kids have ADHD,

which I think is, do you think most of them do? Well, I think that they identify as that because the world is so... It's like, there's so many things coming at you. I just think it's hard to concentrate. So I think people feel like they have ADHD. But I think that the key to teaching a kid with ADHD is you have to do exactly what you just said. What are you interested in? Go after that. Go find out about that. Watch documentaries, read books, you know, whatever. And and that's the only way people with ADHD can absorb information. They can't when it comes at them and it's not what they're interested in. It just doesn't come in. Oh, wow. Yeah. So even like when they're little, right, you should expose them to more like choices. Yes.

Okay. I remember like, you know, there was two types of parents, the parents who took their kids for a pony ride and the parents who just didn't think that was important. And I was always like, here's a picture of me in a pony. I'm like, you have pretty good parents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it's like Nick Kroll is always posting like thousands of pictures of his childhood. Like him playing tennis, him in Paris. I'm just like, I think there's literally three pictures of me as a child.

Wow. And there's a thumb in one of them. He lived an exceptional life. Yes. But still, his parents cared. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of rich people who don't care about their kids. That's true.

You know, the butler teaches them how to, you know, do things and stuff like that. We all saw that TV show. Yeah, like, I don't know if that really happens. Mr. Gould. Yeah,

whatever. I mean, you know, but hey, you can do, you can do only so much. Yeah. That's really what it is.

And it's also like permission to fail is pretty good. I think that's huge. Yeah. And I come from a long line of failure. So,

a lot of learning. Everybody was always like, you know, get back out there. You know, that's huge. Yeah. And I come from a long line of failure. So a lot of learning. Everybody was always like, you know, get back out there. You know, that's all we can do. No, I think that's huge. Get out there. Let your kid fail because that's where the learning happens. You don't learn when things go well. Well, I think that's the way to do it. Yeah.

And like, you know, you're in the rough and tumble world. Let's face it. It's competitive. Yeah. You know, comedy is competitive. Right. And then the podcasting, you know, honestly, it seems rough and tumble world. Let's face it. It's competitive. Yeah. You know, comedy is competitive. Right. And then the podcasting, you know, honestly, it seems like every year there's more. Yeah.

Like, when do you think we'll have enough podcasters? Like, are we close? I think never enough. Because every time somebody new comes into it, like Phil Rosenthal just had me in his podcast. Nice. And I said, great. Here's a guy who has like a huge Twitter following. Yeah.

And he's going to announce that he's got a new podcast. And there's going to be some people that have never heard a podcast. And they're going to go to, you know, whatever, Apple Podcasts. And they're going to start listening. And then they're going to go, oh, hey, here's Greg Fitzsimmons. He was just on. He's got a podcast. I think all boats kind of rise with the tide.

Okay, that's cool. Because there's like a tree that's connecting branches. Yeah, I think so. I mean, I wish I'd taken it more seriously because, as you know, I've been— I thought you were very serious. Not enough. I didn't do—I don't do social media. Really?

Yeah, not enough. You mean in the earlier days? All along. Or even now? Because I really—I honestly believe that my guests are as good as any other podcast guest. And I think I'm pretty good at this, but I, but I thank you, but I never pushed it. And so I've been doing it for as long as anybody, but it's sort of not at that level that other guys. Do you think it's guests,

the guests that will make it or is the host? I'd say it's 70% hosts, 30%. I think it used to be 90% hosts. And now that there's so many ones to choose from, I think that people start looking for, oh, look, Will Ferrell is on this. I'll listen to this one. Well, we know this is a professional thing. I mean, you have your logo right up there. Not everybody does that. Even Phil Rosenthal,

who is a great guy, a visionary actually in stand-up, I mean, in situation comedies and movies and stuff like that. I bet you he's not even there yet. He's like, I don't know. Let's feel it out. Let me talk to Ray.

I don't know which wing of my mansion I should turn into the podcast thing yet. I have a personal pizza oven here. Should we do it in the screening room? When did that become the go-to thing in Hollywood? I have a pizza oven. I know, it's always rich people that then want to do poor stuff. Which would you rather have? A pizza oven or a sauna?

Did you ever do Raymond? Yeah, I was on it. And Ray was like one of the, there's like five or six people that were always very good to me. And Ray Romano is definitely a great guy. And it's amazing how they took his act, which was really about his life, and turned it into a hit, a mega hit TV show. Phil, of course, was a part of that. But Ray, you know, you couldn't have done it with any guy but Ray.

And then now that Ray is like a serious actor, I mean, he's like a great actor. So that's pretty amazing. Usually after the sitcom, you know, it's like game show. And then, you know, I'm a charity guy. And then it's, you know, just all about like selling, you know, like supplements on the web, you know. But this guy went just even higher. So good for Ray. And he deserves it.

Well, Ray thinks hard about his decisions. I think he really, I think Rory Rosegard and his manager always helped him, I think, make the right decisions and not get into stupid stuff. And so he's just got a great reputation. And he's a great comic, too. I used to watch him when I was a young comic. Yeah. And it was just like, look how clean he is, but yet so funny. Yeah.

And at the cellar, he is definitely the gold standard. They love him. Yeah. And, you know, he did a special there. Right. And, uh, at the cellar, he is definitely the gold standard. They love him. Yeah. And, uh, you know, he did a special there. He's done a bunch of stuff. And, you know, um, I, I think it, people don't get like how, like when these really big celebrity people do specials, like they have like a lot of stuff going on. So they really have to like, take the time to like, it's not like, you know, just sitting around like, Hey, I'm just going to work on, I mean, like they have like schedules and things like that. It's not like, you know, just sitting around like, Hey, I'm just going to work on. I mean like they have like schedules. Yeah.

I have a small window. Right now. It's amazing when I see people do good specials that, that I know are like Adam Sandler is really fucking funny. Like he's, he's doing standup now and he's touring and like killing. He must love it too. It must be so freeing.

Like just to be back out there. Yeah. I think he loves it. And he loves like bringing his guys. Like he'll bring like Spade and Schneider and all those guys. Kevin James.

I mean, guys that are going up and killing. And then he closes out the show every night. Yeah. No, Adam, always funny. Just like funny. And the movies, like whenever I'm on the road,

like there's always like you put on something. It's one of his movies. I'm always like whenever I'm on the road, like there's always like you put on, it's one of his movies. I'm always like, I gotta, I gotta watch this scene. I love this scene. There's always the cool kids that, that shit on Adam Sandler. And it's like. Who's that? Yeah.

All the kind of old comics and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know what? Hey, at this point, I'm just, I'm just, you know, happy doing what I'm doing. I want to keep doing it. And anybody that's been doing it as long as me

you're in you're in the club yeah have you? I'll be coming up on I want to do it in another three years then I'm at 40 40 years of comedy

which if you put that into like a civil service job I would either be a rear admiral by now or a you know head post like I'd be head of a post office, like of an actual post office.

So, you know, that would be like one of those things like, you know, junior transportation commissioner, you know, like one of those kind of things. So plus think of the chancellor of a school, like we can have a district, you know? So, you know, it's been a lot of ups and downs, but all the way through, you know, it's like it is, it's a click, you know, it's like, uh, it, it is, uh, it's a, it's a click, you know, it's, it's like, uh, I clicked with it. So I'm into it. It's just like, I hope I can physically and, um, you know, like, and I hope the, the crowd's there for me, you know, like, cause it's one thing to say, I'm going to tour forever. It's another to like, you know, is there a crowd that wants to see it? Yeah. Your crowd's not going anywhere.

I think somebody will see it just for the, ghoulish pleasure. Yeah, right, right. This guy's going to go down on this show. I want to be the guys at the last show. Right. What's the lowest point? You said you had your downs. What was the lowest point in your career? I would say that, you know, like there's a lot of lows,

but the constant low that I think we all come across is just not why we're doing it. Because you can always say I do it because of the money. Yeah. Because I have so many bills. Or I do it because I don't know anything else to do. Yeah. But it's really the, what am I doing? Like, why am I never getting better at this?

Like, writing these jokes. And like, now just in an hour. So now I put that out on a special. So now it's like the redoing of an hour. People like, it doesn't ever get easier. And like, there's some guys that are now like, the redoing of an hour is, is, is people like it's good. It doesn't ever get easier. I like this. Some guys that are now like almost like Zen masters, like Sam Morrell,

Mark Norman, these guys turning out again, they're turning hours. Jim, of course, another guy, but when you do like short jokes and stuff like that, it's a whole different ballgame.

It's not like a bunch of stories and all that kind of stuff. So, you know, forgive me in advance of people looking at, they're like, you know, Hey, you know,

this is like short the way I wanted it, which is 37 minutes because I think no one wants to watch an hour. Yeah. And there's a lot of other stuff in it. And I'm like, you know, that's the way I see it. And, you know, I know now we live in a world where like TikTok, crowd work, all these different things. But, yeah, at the end of the day, it's always these jokes. So I'd say my low, low point is just like when I'm, you know, when it's a couple of days and then it becomes a couple of weeks, then it becomes a couple of months where I'm really not coming up with anything. Yeah. And like, it really sucks.

It's not like, you know, like you're a painter and like you're just staring at the thing. It's like, there's a crowd right there. Yeah, right. That's interesting. That's a good analogy. Yeah. When you're a painter, you can just hold, you can go out to the Hamptons for three months and stay out in the ocean. Yeah.

Take your shoes off, put them in the water, something will hit you. Do we need another lighthouse? I guess we do. Another lighthouse painting, please. How many seagulls? Six or seven? I watched that documentary on the guy Hopper.

Do you know him? Yeah. He has that classic painting of the diner and everything like that. Then he has one of a woman looking out on a windy day and it connects with people because they're all like, look at the loneliness. Who is she waiting for? Will he ever come?

Is this something love? You know, is it a broken heart? And then it turns out he was on the spectrum. He's like, you know, sometimes it's just a woman looking out a window. And I'm like, Dylan was like that too, which is like, stop reading into my stuff. Sometimes it's just exactly what you see. Right, right. So, you know, but it's funny how people subjectively put different things on it.

Right. Back to the material, right? You do the good fight. You go out and do these shows. Yeah. You know, you're trying to work the material. Not everybody does that. Yeah.

And it's harder when you have a family, so. Well, I just put out, well, I'm about to put out a special. Nice. Now I'm working on the new stuff, I'm finding that like I want to. It's like you said, like, what am I doing? Like, what what do I want to do different? Because I don't want to just do this. Like I edited my special and just watching these bits. You start to fucking hate them and you start to hate yourself.

And then you go, well, what am I going to do different this time? So I'm not hating myself when I'm editing it next time. You know, that's the worst part of it. Because, like, listening to the tapes, I always thought was the real job of comedy. Like, you have to hear yourself and, like, all the horrible stuff you're doing. But then when you're doing this special, then you realize, like, mm, this is, yeah, this is not good. No. Like, mm, I don't like this, you know?

I know. And then as an adult, I said, this time I'm just going to, deal with it and like make, make choices and not ruminate over it. Yeah. You know, going like, you know, should I reshoot? You know, I'll get it right the next time. And I know I wouldn't. So I'm like, that's what it is. Money-wise that factored into it, which is like, I spent 150K making something.

Yeah. I really don't have that money to throw at it again. So, you know, I got to live with it now. So hopefully people will like it. I shot mine and then I, I started editing it and then I flushed it and I redid it again. That's great. Cause do you feel better that you did the right thing? Yeah. Good. So I, I also wish that like I could redo and redo and redo because the problem with, especially the way I do stand up is that I get that a lot of wax out of jokes. Like I, by the beginning of the

week to the end of the week, I can change it like five times. Right, right. So, you know, that's being spoiled, actually. You know, you can't do that in music. You can't do that in other things. Do you ever talk to, like, Louis Katt? The crowd, yes. Oh. Do you ever not talk to the crowd?

Do you ever, like, get feedback from Louis Katt? Oh, yeah. Louis, I have to say, is a funny guy, and he really does the work. No one works on material harder than him. Yeah. And, you know, he's a funny guy and he really does the work no one works on material harder than him yeah and uh you know he's a joke guy too so we really we we really talk it up on the jokes and his special was like you know he also self-produced and how much work that is yeah and uh i i'm really i'm really hoping big things because he's a headliner and uh his material like he's also

in the same process of like changing an hour so So like, I mean, turning in the hour. So, you know, like it's great to have a guy like that, like right around it. Cause like we both love jokes. So that kind of thing. Besides Louie, who, cause I haven't been in New York

in a long time. Who are the people that people don't know about that maybe they should? Well, I tour with Ian Fidans a lot. He's another fun guy. I love energy, like just a fun, fun guy.

And he also has a podcast and, you know, he's like does acting and everything. So he's like the full tilt, you know, the whole package. But there's a whole bunch of really new people there that like, you know, I hate to say it, but like I'm so old and I go on so late that I don't get to see most of them, you know? And I did an early show at the cell, which was like, I had to like get up the next morning.

So I did an early one. And I, and it was kind of like coming back home. Cause it was like all the guys, like Norton was there, Jim Norton and Rogel. People I hadn't seen in a long time because I go on at midnight or 1am. So I never see these guys. These guys do the early bird, you know, they do the early show. And I go, that's where I'm headed to, like, is these early shows, you know? Have you seen this kid?

I just saw him in L.A. for the first time. Marcello something? Yes. He's on SNL now, and I think it's his first year on SNL. I think so. But he's a good stand-up. Yeah, well, that's cool because once you get that credit, man, you could really start touring. Yeah, yeah.

So I hope, you know, if that's what he's planning on doing. Right. But, you know, I'm sure there's a lot of other opportunity besides just touring, you know? Yeah, he's a good looking guy. He's super confident. So he's... Is he from LA or is he from New York? No, he grew up in Miami.

Oh, okay. His parents are, one's from Cuba and one's from the Dominican Republic, I think. Nice. So he's got kind of an interesting life. And like, I think he grew up kind of hardscrabble in Miami. So he's got like kind of interesting life and like i think he grew up kind of hard scrabble in miami so he's got like kind of a like confident tough attitude yeah no there's a bunch of new people and you know i really just uh want to see if i can follow them sometimes you know like there's some guys that are you know some people are just crushing there and i'm like it would be

it would be really good if i could follow them, but without doing like, you know, my heavy hitting jokes, like see if I can just kind of ride, ride through it. And like, it always turns into like, where I start, you know, like having a bringing like better material or yelling at the crowd or something like that. But still like, I guess, I don't know if that's ego, but I think it's also humbling to like actually follow people and like not do that well. Right. No, but it's, but it is tough when you're pulling out all the greatest hits and like you're driving, you're walking home that night with like 50 bucks in your pocket going like, I just did material that I already know how to do.

I got nothing out of that. It's a waste. Yeah. Right. And, you know, sometimes that's what it is. You know, it's just like where you're like, uh, you know, if anything, that's supposed to like energize you for the next time of like, I better have something new up there for the next one. And then you hang around after the show and, you know, it's always like people coming out of the cellar and it's always like the same three questions.

Like, how's Artie? It's like I've been tired of being asked how Artie is, you know? Artie's doing, you know, let's face it. There's no one like Artie. I was just talking about Artie. Greatest storyteller. I think he's the greatest storyteller. I also think, no offense, he is probably one of the best broadcasters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, like, you know, just he's great on the mic. And he's also a great guy. So it would be great to see more of him, have him back out on the scene. Has he been around? Not really. No. You know, he's always, you know, like, I guess, you know, trying to get out there.

But it would be great to see him. I always invite him to, like, all these different shows and stuff like that. So maybe this year will be the year he comes back out. Right. And the fans, of course, you know. Let's face it. Not only are we getting older, so are the fans. So it's only a matter of time to, like, you know, people can't get there, you know.

Well, that's why they say you want the young audience because, like, they don't have kids. They can actually go out at night but they're um a little too sensitive the older people are like just glad to be out of the house yeah you got to find that sweet spot like that like those guys that are in their 30s that are kind of sick of being told they can't say that i mean a lot of comedians today are making a meal out of saying what these people can't say at work. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean? And they can lean on that a little too much sometimes. Like, you know, it's okay if your joke crosses lines,

but like this should be a reason why you're doing the joke. Besides you're trying to appeal to these people that feel like pent up. Stifled. This whole, yeah. But I noticed that they usually bring that culture into the club, which is that you're not allowed to laugh at that. They look around. Yeah. All that noticed that they usually bring that culture into the club, which is that, you know, not to laugh at that. They look around, all that kind of stuff. So getting them to lower this thing. And then there's the other people that like, you know, um, really like it that way. I think that there's people that like, you know, we don't, we don't really want to recognize this.

There's a lot of people that really do like non-threatening, you know, like things or like want things to be only nice and kind and not like edgy and dark. So, you know, like things or like want things to be only nice and kind and not like edgy and dark. So, you know, there's those people. And like, you know, we all think that like, it's one person who's on the web all the time. No, there's, there's millions of them out. And it's like the pushback culture against them, you know, it took, it took a while. It's not like it was just like one guy, Hey, you know, F you, I'm going to like, it took like almost a movement to like push back on that. And like, you know, F you. I'm going to like put, it took like almost a movement, you know, to like push back on that. And like, you know, at this point I would say it's touch and go.

And like it's the election year. Anything can happen. Yeah. So. Yeah. The election year is definitely like, it feels like it's not an election year because there's no candidates running. We know it's Trump. We know it's Biden.

So there's not that like, you know, excitement of like there's a bunch of horses in the race and you're going to see who who pulls up. And you get the sense of like what America really wants. Like all we know now is America does not want either of these guys. That's why I say go older. Jimmy Carter is still alive, everyone. He's out there. He knows what's going on. I thought you'd say Jimmy Carr.

He's not that old. Jimmy Carr is not American for God's sakes I wanted to ask you some questions whoa how long is this podcast I'm going to smoke a cigarette about 10 minutes shy Jesus Christ

I want to smoke a cigarette is that possible or no no you can't smoke in here what's the question this is a segment that's called fastballs with fits Is that possible or no? No, you can't smoke in here, right? Okay, go ahead. No. Go ahead. What's the question, son? I wish you could. All right. This is a segment that's called Fastballs with Fits. What? I'm going to ask you some questions.

Okay. What's your end game? To run like a Dave and Buster's or something? Fastballs with Fits. Have you ever saved somebody's life? Debatable, probably, kind of. Yeah. Heimlich maneuver thing. Have you ever saved somebody's life? Debatable, probably. Kind of. Heimlich maneuver thing. Did you really? Yeah, but I don't think I saved their life, though. I think I was...

I had an erection. I couldn't think of what to do. I have a joke about that, so don't even bring it up. I have a whole joke about it. No, I would say probably not. Was it in a restaurant? Yeah, it was in a restaurant. Was it a stranger or somebody you were with? Yeah, no, we were eating and at the other table, someone was choking. So I got up and did it.

But like, I wouldn't say that I've saved anyone's life. Did you save their, did anyone? What's the next question, Fastball? You got your yes or no. Come on. Do this earlier in the podcast if you want a big discussion thing. Go ahead. Next.

I love that you just won't be called a hero. No, I was going to say, I've never saved a life, but I have saved this show. This one. Go ahead. Go ahead. Have you ever not finished a set on stage? You mean walked off? Yeah. Never. I don't think I've ever done that. And I always say to the, I go like, that's the one thing that really activates my old school comedy. It's like, do not let them win. I don't care what you have to do. If they throw a bottle at you, just duck, but keep going until your

time. Do your time. So I don't think I've ever done that. Looking back on some of those shows, I probably should have done that. Because when you see somebody walk, what do you think? When they walk out of the room? Oh, off stage? Yeah. I'm like, that. Yeah. Because when you see somebody walk, what do you think? When they walk out of the room? Oh, offstage? Yeah.

I'm like, that's weak. Yeah. But now it's like showing like, you know, this is not, you know, I'm an artist. Yeah. And this is not my thing. Yeah. So like there's different ways to look at it. But back in the old day of comedy, you'd be like, that's weak.

Yeah. You know, so what? The guy's whipping bottle at you. You know, don't you have a bottle, Duke? Well, also like it makes it funny. It gives you something to actually talk about, you know? And especially now, like, since people are videotaping everything. There was a girl in Uncle Vinny's in New Jersey.

Yes, I just worked with her. And she got a beer thrown at her head, and, like, it went viral. It was the best thing that ever happened to her. And I love that she held her ground. She didn't leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. It was great.

All right, we'll finish on this because I know you got to go smoke. Yes. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done? Oh, dude, that's such a great question. I have so many hacky bits. And even now, I think I have some, you know my name, the mayor of Hacktown, right?

But are you talking the classic definition of hack where it's like someone else's bit as well? No, just something that you look back on and you cringe and go, I can't believe I actually did that joke. Too many to name, too many to name. And the ones that aren't kind of hacky or corny or ham, as they say,

I would say there's so many, so many inappropriates in there, you know, that kind of stuff. But doesn't it seem like, um, you know, as I get older, like I'm really, um, uh, uh, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm luckily I'm still thinking on stage fast, but like that other show, like the fourth show, the fifth show, when I'm really tired, I can't even remember the, uh, MC's name and I'm calling him another good name or something like that. And it's really kind of awkward, but like,

that's when you really see the big hack. Cause it's like, I'm trying to like, and I'm like, and you look like, uh, you know, whatever. I'm not going to pay a lot for that muffler. You know, then you're like, Whoa, where did that come from? Right. But usually I steer clear of hack, but that's a great one, man. I owe you like an actual joke on that one. Okay. We'll do it later.

All right. David tells, come into your town if you live in Vegas. Wise Guys, October 22nd through the 24th. Helium in St. Louis. Yes. March 8th through the 9th. That's a tough club to fill, so good luck. I love the challenge.

Mothership in Austin, March 22nd to the 24th. Wow. I want you to make fun of intellectually disabled people and blacks. They love it. That's why we had the extra Sunday show. That's what they call that brunch. I want a Texas brunch. Brea, March 29th and 30th.

Pittsburgh, April 5th through 7th. Then Welch, Minnesota. Charlestown, West Virginia. Salt Lake City, Royal Oak, Michigan, and Chicago, the Den Theater. That's a fun spot. That's a good one, yeah. Yeah. I love it. Yeah.

And Chicago, like, for a long time, you couldn't play downtown. Now there is a decent room. No offense to Zanies or anything. I'm saying, like, it's a big room. Yeah. It's a good room. And I also play Schaumburg out in the, you know, outside of town. So, yeah,'s a big room. Yeah. It's a good room. And I also play Schomburg out in the, in the, you know, outside of town. So yeah, I love that town.

Yeah. And I was going to say to you, man, next time I'm in Brea, if you're like in the neighborhood, come by, do spot. Oh, I'd love that. Cause I like when, I love getting to watch you work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, I'll come down. Thanks, man. Thanks for coming on. Thanks for having me. Fitz, what is it again? Fitzdog Radio, guys. Thank you.

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