Fitzdog Radio - Dave Attell - Episode 1122

Episode Date: January 9, 2026

Comedy’s own Dave Attell joins me as we recap the events of 2026. A future classic episode. TempoMeals.com/FITZDOG for 60% OFF your first box! Follow Dave Attell on Instagram ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠���⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@daveattell Watch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMe⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@GREGFITZSHOW⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@GREGFITZSIMMONS⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠FITZDOG.COM⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey now, happy new year, people. First podcast of 2006, and man, we're off to a running start. If you've got your bingo card, Venezuela, cross that off. Greenland coming up. Mexico coming up, Cuba. Oh, the New World Order. It's so simple to see. Russia takes Europe.

China takes Asia. we take all the Americas and then Africa fucking figures it out. I don't know who's taking Africa. But everybody's already taken Africa. Every European country's already fucking colonized Africa.

So now they're left with the rubble with what's left. I think China actually is in Africa now. I don't know. It's not what we're here to talk about. We're here to say, Dave Attell is my guest. Holy mother of,

of God, is there, he hates to hear that he's my favorite comedian or anybody's, everybody considers the best comedian, but whatever, I won't get into that, but he's on. We had a talk last week in New York, and I know that Attell hates being interviewed. He doesn't want to be asked about his life. He doesn't want to just hang. And so I basically pulled together topical events from the year. and I just peppered him with topics. And he just lob home run, lob home run the whole time. Just unbelievable. I know you're going to love it.

You're going to love him. Maybe you like me. Maybe some people don't listen to this podcast very much. They're tuning in because of Dave Attell. So thank you for joining me. I was just in New York for a couple weeks when I saw Tell. I went to church with my mom on Christmas. she of course we get there late and she of course parks in the priest's only parking spot because we're

late she goes well he's already here yeah I think he lives there maybe he doesn't need a car at all but I'm always struck because I grew up going to church and I'm not here to knock the church certainly if my mom's listening to this podcast she won't appreciate the next five or ten minutes but it is ghoulish when you walk into a church and Jesus is up there. And I mean, this is obviously been talked about quite a bit. But if somebody murdered and tortured my only son, I don't think that I would put a replica of it on the wall of my home. That seems almost like it's like it's supposed to instigate. I feel, you feel angry. You feel like, that's fucking, that's my fucking God. That's Jesus. Look what

they did to him. And they could mean, you know, depending on what way of thinking you are. Could be the Jews. Could be the devil. Like Christianity is telling you, okay, this should piss you off. You should be mad at the devil. So it's motivating. you to fight against evil. I always say fight against the, but isn't fighting against the tenets of Christianity? Isn't revenge? Even revenge? Not really where you want to be. So anyway, I'm listening to the sermon and the guy talks about the guy, the priest, the priest was talking about, I swear to you, this is in the homily. I think they call it the homily, which is the opening little, the little speech, the priest gives. And he says,

says that Joseph was going to get a divorce when he found out that Mary was pregnant. Did you know that? That's in the Bible. He was going to get a divorce. And then God came to him, which first of all, you know, Joseph, they had to be busting his balls when that happened. You know, like God comes down. No, no, no, no, no.

It's cool. God. Guys, guys, guys, I know how. this looks but god came down and he did it and so it's god which first of all is it okay is it okay for anybody to have sex with your wife and and they're like yeah and they're like hey joseph why was she a virgin you guys are married why is your fucking wife a virgin have you did you not get around to it have you seen her have you seen a statue of the virgin mary she's smoking hot. And what's with Joseph not making a move?

And so now he's led to believe by quote unquote God. Meanwhile, it was like Joseph's, Joseph heard it, you know, in a dream. So he's, he's in bed. And some guy is like sneaks in and he's like, hey, uh, Joseph. It's me, Brian. I mean, I mean, God. I was the one who knocked up, man. Brian was out in the meadow with the sheep.

He doesn't even like Mary. Now, people are going to talk a lot of shit, Joseph, but be cool. And I'll, I'll get you into heaven, okay? Fast pass, right to the front of the line. So you are told all this, and you believe it because church is, it's just ethereal. You know, there's candles and there's organ music and the lighting is insane and the architecture's beautiful and the pews are this dark, smooth wood and this choir and you just get lulled into it and you realize like, you know, everyone's dressed up and it's all for a book. This is all based on, well, two books, I guess, the old one and the new one. and and I believe that people believe because they're lulled into the trappings of this mythology.

And I think you could, I think you believe any book. You would believe any book that was presented to you if it was done in this content. You could be the cat and the hat. And you would be like, you would start to believe in the cat. Or was the cat the devil? I can't remember if the, I think the cat. I think the cat's kind of the devil. But say he's God.

Say the cat is God. And the priest was up there, and there was organ music. A lot of tricks. I will show them to you. Your mother will not mind at all if I do. Amen. And people put money in the hat. People wear cat collars.

And instead across themselves, they'll be like, they'll be like licking their fingers and rubbing it on their faces. And I don't know. There's a bit in there somewhere, I think. But Pre-in-s funny because, well, it's not funny because you don't get fired. And you can, there's no quarterly review. There's no progress report. You just don't get fired. I mean, you work, what, three hours a week?

and the rest of time you just like are trying to come up with a sermon you can I mean we've seen you can molest a child and they just move you they just take you somewhere else

you don't get fired I got fired I wrote on the Ellen DeGeneres show I got fired after two years for taking my first day off to go to a funeral for a woman who is like a mother to me in New York

lived in L.A. flew to New York, missed one day of work, came back, fired. And I was warned that that might happen if I missed a day of work. Anyway, but a priest, the priest, whatever. I just threw myself off the algorithm by talking about that. And I was thinking about if you were a priest and you got fired, here's a great job, bartender. Because what do people do? They love confessing to a bartender. They tell their dirty secrets. They tell everything they're ashamed of. They drink and they tell it to the priest.

And then the priest could just say, look, just say to the bar owner, just leave me some water. I'll turn it into wine. I'm going to cut your overhead way down. Give me some dried out old bread and I will turn it into fish. You know, like Pepper's Farm, cheddar, fish. It's funny because when we were. kids, we used to drink our parents' booze and then we pour water into it. So I would always say we turn the wine into water instead of the water into wine. That's just, all right, listen,

what am I doing? We got David Tell on the show. You guys don't want to hear all this shit. I will be in Cleveland this weekend at hilarity is January 8th through the 10th. Atlanta Punchline, January 15th through 17. The mothership, Austin, Texas, January 30th through February 1st, Sacramento, Philly, Lexington, Houston, Fort Worth, all coming up. Hit thefitsdog.com website. Get some tickets. Come on out. So my guest today, he is, I've known him for, God, 30 years, I guess.

He's been a very dear friend for all these years. He's been an inspiration to me. I watched him starting out when he was doing Letterman, and then he would do all these HBO specials. the short ones, the long ones. And then Insomniac, incredible show that should have gone off for 10 years. You saw him a lot on Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. He hosted the gong show and he hired me as the head writer on the show.

That lasted one season and out. And then he's doing bumping mics with a tell. Anyway, what am I giving you? His latest special, if you haven't seen it, Hot Cross Buns is as good as anything he's ever done. He's still working at his highest level. Not still. I make it sound like he's 80 years old.

But I'm just saying some guys peak and he just gets better. So we hung out last week. Here is my chat. A few chuckles with the great Dave Attell. So anyway, David Tell is my guest. I don't know. What do we say? What do you ask David Tell that he hasn't been asked?

Well, I'll tell you what's been happening. It's been quite a year, would you say? This is, I assume this will hit the, is it going out now? This is the year end, so I actually came up with some, I go to the top events of 2025. Sure. So let's get right into it. Okay, but I have stuff to talk about too, so go ahead.

Well, no, if you have stuff to talk about, let's start with you. No, it seems like he did a lot of work on this, so go ahead. All right. What do you got? Let's start with America. wanting to take Greenland and Canada. Oh, it's like political stuff? No, a little bit of political.

All right. What do I think of it? Yeah. I don't know. That's definitely one I didn't think would be the lead. But Greenland, hold on. Well, I had a friend who went to Iceland and they said they loved it.

Really? I guess Greenland is, well, that's a part of, hold on, hold, hold. I think it's Holland, right? Denmark. Denmark. Mark. Okay. I was close. Yes.

So, you know, I would think that we should, I don't know, it's all, I'm swimming. Hold on, Beowulf. You know what? I really, I really have to say this, okay? If you've ever played the game, Risk, you know that Greenland is unattainable. You might hold it for like a turn. You know, you go up, you go get a snack, you come back, you don't have it anymore. So I would say we should give it up. And we all wanted it.

I know growing up we would always think about it. Yeah, let's trade it for Holland. Better looking women. Free weed. Well, actually, I hear Iceland has like the best of everything. You know, it's like really friendly. And have you ever done a show there or anything? No, I've never been to Iceland.

I did a show in South Africa last year. We went last year. And how was it? It was unbelievable. Really? It was this club and they were like, oh yeah, Dave Chappelle's been here. And it's just a little club. It holds like 150 people.

Man, can I just say one thing about this international comedy scene that is there? I haven't traveled a long time outside of the country. My mom with dementia, you always have to be like ready. So I'm always afraid I'll be like somewhere. And then like, oh, no, now I have to go like through two flights and customs to come back. So I don't do it. But like all I hear is all these great like you name a place and people like, Serbia.

Oh my God. It was the best show ever. And then, you know, they come. cooked us dinner and all. So I'm like, is this all true or is this just like smoke coming like, you know, hey, you know, you get out there. Because I used to do, you know. U.S.O.

Well, yeah. Well, that's different though, because you're performing to basically people who are in combat, you know, like who are in the military. But when you would go and do like England or, you know, Germany or any of those different place, I was always like, they don't get it, you know, like they applaud, you know. And like England, they like to give it back to you, which I thought was. was fine. But like, you know, if it's that great, then that's awesome. Yeah. That's the effect of, I guess, Netflix, right? Well, Lou, it gave Louis a comeback because when a lot of the clubs in

the States wouldn't book him, he went to like Israel and Eastern Europe and all these crazy places. And like, that brought him back. That got him like, you know, his material and I don't know, some acceptance. Well, what about the money, though? That's what I want to know. They pay. It's not as good. Yeah. So what's the South Africa? African money where they pay you in diamonds. We have some ivory. We'll hand it to you under the table. Here's a tooth.

Here's a horn. Okay, what else you got? All right, we got the California fires, which is close to my home. Well, that... It is my home. And that's an ongoing situation, actually, because people are rebuilding now. Yes. And I hear about it all the time from, like, the people, especially the people of the business.

Right. You know, like, you're on the phone with somebody. And this was like during the fires. Yeah. So, you know, you'd be on the phone like, what do you mean the funny bone wants a Thursday? And it's like, hold on, I'm getting an alert. We, I have to evacuate.

I'm like, oh my God. What about the funny bone? But yeah, no, I felt terrible for all the people out there. I felt like the whole thing was just, you know, cataclysmic. And now it's raining. So you're missing that right now, right? Yeah, and the rain makes whatever was left slide down the hill. Oh, God.

Roots left. Well, you tell me, what's your, like, thoughts now with distance on that? Well, I mean, I feel like, you know, America hates California, which is kind of rough because I actually really do love it. It's got its downsides, and I'm not like a Gavin Newsom fan. And, you know, but for the most part, I love it. And I think that when the fire happened, I finally saw Americans kind of show up. It was nice.

I was in Green Bay, Wisconsin doing a show, and they had a bin out front. They were collecting clothes for people from California. And I was like, all, first of all, I don't think anybody from Hollywood is, based on what they look like, they're not wearing those clothes and they're not going to fit. We don't have, we don't need triple XLs here. We have OZMPIC. But I had to do a show in the comedy store, which was booked before the fire. And then the fire happened.

They're like, they still want to do the show. I go, are you sure? They're like, yeah, they want to do. I do the show and I go, well, we have to make it a benefit because there's no way you come to town. It's like, yeah, I'm going to take your money and I'm going back to my house. That isn't burnt. You know, so I was like, okay, it's a benefit then. But it was also like, you know, you get to see like the local news gets so excited because, you know, nobody ever watches local news until there's like a cataclysmic event. And with the fires, like nobody knew when it was going to hit their

house. So like the ratings were through the roof. And you could see the excitement on the newscast. faces, they're like, let's go out to chopper four. And so I had a theory that the choppers are flying above the flames to fan them to keep the fire going to get the ratings up. Well, how close was it to your house? Real close. Really? Yeah.

Like you could smell it. You could see it. Oh, my God. No, we couldn't go outside for like five, six days. Wow. And you'd come outside and you'd go to your car and you'd have to bring windex because there was just so much ash all over everything. Yeah.

And I have asthma. So I was having asthma the whole time. I had to go get new inhaler. Wow. It was rough, Dave. You figure in a town of potheads that they would just enjoy it, like, just kind of roll with it. Just trash. I've never seen anybody not covered in a vape or pot out there.

But, you know, the one thing that I was telling a guy who owns a house, I was like, dude, isn't there something like you could put in your pool and, like, it would pump water over the, I mean, there's got to be something like that. And there is something like that. But nobody had it. Only the super rich had this whole thing. And I kept thinking of, like, you know, those, like, like those dumb pools, like where people like just swim, the selfish, yeah, the selfish pool.

You know, no one else is allowed in. And I was like, that thing, man, can't you just like, you know, just like shoot it? Like, you know, I was like trying to think of like ways to help them. Well, like apparently Oprah and all those people that live up and see, I forget the name of the town up there, but there's this one really rich town and they bought in like oil tankers filled with water. Oh, sure, yeah. Like they have their own fire department. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But when I've been out there podcasting mostly and I've done. with you. I've been you a bunch. Thank you. You've always been very generous. Yeah, no, I'm always glad to see you. But when you go out like into the, into the, like with the rich, rich people, where they have like their own compound, you realize you're like, there's nothing here.

Like it's like basically, you know, any, any, anything they need, they're going to have to like bring in themselves. You know, like a fire department post office. I bet you they have their own post office. Who knows? Or their maid is going to go get for them. Their maid is wearing a full tilt.

you know yeah okay so that yeah that was terrible and the other thing is i was going to say about the fires is like i do another podcast called childish with my friend alison rosen oh okay she used to be adam carola's sidekick on a oh yeah i do yeah yeah so anyway she her mom died right before the fires started and her body was at a funeral home that was right on the edge of the fires and so they made her send a private transport van to get her mother's body out of there and move it to another funeral home. No way. Even though she was having a cremated.

And that funeral home that they got her body out of burnt to the ground, it was nothing but ashes. So was her body in, oh, the one that she got it out of? Yeah, she could have just left it there and it would have been ashes anyway. Oh, my God. Wow. You never even think about that. I know.

We have to move the dead bodies. You never even think of that. I hope that was a low priority on the list of like what the first responders were doing. Oh, yeah. You could see him like, grabbing these corpses and just throwing them in the truck. And the news pretends they're saving lives. Look at how many bodies are getting out of this building.

But I give it up for those firsts, especially that smoke jump scene, you know, like those people that do that kind of stuff where they jump into the forest and, you know. Oh, yeah. Those people, you know? Yeah. I mean, that's a crazy job. Well, did you ever hear about, and I thought it was urban legend that I looked it up and it's actually true is it was as far as fire and, you know, the helicopter just sometimes scoop water

out of the ocean and they drop it. And they actually found a frog suit, like a scuba outfit. Yeah. Because the guy was swimming, he was scuba diving, and they scooped him up and they dropped him on the fire. No, that's got to be like a legend or something. Look it up. Can you look it up?

Scuba diver burnt in forest fire. He was just in there scuba diving around and they got him. Yep. I don't believe it. Well, that would be incredible. It would be a great sort of like creation story for a Marvel hero? Yeah.

Oh, that's a good idea. Frog man. Yeah. See? What are we going to start introducing fact into podcasts? Okay, go ahead. What else you got? All right.

How about renaming the Gulf of Mexico? I'm against it. You know, I, you know, I know, I know, what did they want to call it again? Gulf of America. That doesn't sound right. No. Yeah. It's like with streets, you know, it's like, you know, you give directions, and now the street is

something different because of equity or something. Yeah. And you're like, oh, now I'm a racist and I don't know where I'm going. You know, it's like, take me to Avenue of colonialism and, um. Can I go to the Charlie Kirk dead end? Yeah. Could I, could I, could I, is it, I'm sorry, I'm coming right from the plantation. I'm a little lost.

Go ahead. Well, I think it was Chris Rock who said, like, if you're on Martin Luther King Bullitt. You know you're in a bad neighborhood, but if you're on Malcolm X Boulevard, you're in a really bad neighborhood. And that's that, that is actually true in every city I've been to. Really? But L.A. is the worst because you get to Burbank and it's like Bob Hope Boulevard. Yes. Every side street.

I just know I'm close to an airport whenever I see any of those things like with, uh, in L.A., you know, like they have those. That's where they have it all going there. Right. What's going on downtown in L.A.? Because, you know, like that to me was like, I spent a lot of time downtown, you know? Yeah, you belong downtown. Yeah, you know, down at the mission. But most of the stuff going on down there is like they didn't have a fire there, right?

That was far away from it. No, you know, it was really out in like Brentwood was as close as it got. And then the trees stop and then it's more pavement. Maybe that's the thing. Get rid of these trees. Wouldn't that be the way to do it there? Well, what are you going to? You're blaming it on us now?

No, I'm just saying, no, I'm not blaming it on you at all. Actually, I'm just saying that, you know, if the trees are the thing that keeps it going, you know, then maybe they should push them back or something. Get rid of the trees. Yeah, we can start with Yellowstone, all right? Those are big trees. You know, the downtown is actually finally happening, like forever. I've been out there 25 years and they're always talking about 27 years. Wow, amazing.

I know. Wow. I know. And well, because the last time I lived in New York was, I got married in New York and then we left immediately. Jeez, you never miss New York? I miss it a lot. You do? I don't, I, I'm just like here, I think.

That's, you know, everything keeps changing here yet it's kind of the same. Yeah. And in L.A., to me, it seems like it always, it always changes because I'm there like only like a couple weeks a year. And it's like, oh, the place I used to go to coffee is no longer there. You know, it's like, oh, this is. But I don't know how it is the date. day out there, you know. No, it is like that.

Everything is disposable. And the thing I don't like about it is that you don't feel like the root for a lot of people they don't put down roots because they're just kind of coming here to get something and then they're going to leave with it. I don't know. I feel like everybody I know that moved out there is all married. They have houses or whatever that they're kind of like locked in. They love it out there.

Even the people who haven't like, you know, worked like in 20 years. Like, you know, whatever, the actors and the writers. Allad Havie? No, Alan, I just saw last night. He was doing a show, so take that back. Alan is always out there. He's working. But what was going to say?

There's definitely people from the old school improv here in New York who moved out there, I guess, during the- Paul Pervenza. The Seinfeld wave, you know, like when everybody was out there? Yeah, yeah. And like, I haven't heard it. I mean, I don't know. I guess they move further and further away from L.A., but they stay in California. Yeah, like Zoe Friedman will have a party and they'll all be there.

It'll be great to see them all. Wow. How do they do it? Group Uber? whatever. This next guy, you might have seen him on, you might have seen it on the number 56 bus about an hour and a half ago.

This guy was on that Bert Reynolds Lonnie Anderson show for a season. Yeah, those guys. This guy wrote for coach. I feel like everybody in L.A. wrote for coach at some point. And you realize how like weird the writing scene was back then.

It was pretty much all who you know. You know, like, it's always like that. You know better than me. But it's always like, you know, like this guy and then, you know, like he brings and his friend and stuff like that. And then it's just a room of white men. So, you know, it's just like that.

No, it was a, although I wrote on all black shows for some reason. I wrote on my, because my first writing credit, Louis, I knew somebody. Louis got me on to Cedric the Entertainer Presidents. And then once you write on one type of show, like if you write on like a multicam sitcom, that's all you'll ever do. And I only got hired on black shows until you hired me on the Gong show. Yeah, but I don't, I, I, I, I feel like there's levels of writing and that like you have to get on one of those things like

what's a like a medical drama or you know. Yeah, or like in New York they had all those law and order people there for years. And they all were like basically, you know, New York playwrights and those type of folk. And like, but they wrote that. That was like how they made their, you know, their coin. But I figure in LA all I hear now is that there aren't any jobs like and it's like it's not jobs. Do you think that's true or is it just people, you know? I haven't written, I wrote on shows for 20 years straight every year. Really? I haven't written on a show since the pandemic. Well, there was a

writer's strike. Yeah, the writer's strike. First it was a pandemic, then was a writer's strike. And then last year there was a threat of all the, the union guys, all the camera people and lights. And they were going to strike. So that shut the business down again. And then all of a sudden, they were like, well, we're already shooting in Canada and other states and it's cheaper. So now no, even if there is work, it's not in L.A. anymore. Even for the writers? Yeah. Wow.

No, some of the writers, but they don't have the staffs they used to have. Yeah, well, I think that's the difference. It used to be 15 people in a room. The showrunner and, you know, all that, all those people, like, they probably just have, like, what used to be 12 is now probably five or three or something. Yeah. And then who knows if AI is going to, like, you can, you know there's certain, like, sitcoms, like a real corny CBS sitcom, easily AI could write.

Maybe not the final version of it, but the first draft. Yeah. But everybody's using that now. Like all the people I know who are tech are like, yeah, you know, like, I'm like, oh, this is good. Like, you know, even with merch, like, hey, can you get an image? Like, just so, and it's like they'll do it with the AI and then they'll like tweak it. And it's like, who's is it now?

Is it AIs? Is it yours? No one knows, you know. So that's my next topic is. AI. Chat GPT. Yeah. Slash.

You don't have Waymo here yet, but you've seen them in L.A. Yes, I have. Yeah. What do you think of those? Well, the good of Waymo was, first of all, there was a blackout, and they all were stuck. Like, they were like, duh. Oh, really? Yeah, that was, like, a big deal.

I forget where it was, but it was one of those things where they, like, stopped right in the middle of traffic. So that's probably the stock went, you know. But then a baby was born in Waymo, and it should be the same thing as if, like, you're born at a, at a McDonald's where you get like a free ride for the rest of your life. You know, if you're born on an airline, they're like, we give you like, you know. So, but I've seen it in San Francisco and it did creep us out. Like I was there with Louis Katz, very funny comic, you know. I asked him to come on today.

He's here? No, I asked me to join us and he said he couldn't. I thought he was in L.A. Well, maybe that's why he couldn't. He's lying to one of us. Yeah. So anyway, we were there and we wanted to like shoot some like, you know, just like, like some funny promos in there where like, you know, I'm in the back seat and there's no one in the

front seat. And it's like, that's already so corny. It's like done already. Yeah. And like, we were just watching them and like, you know, I'm up at night like smoking. So I'm outside of the hotel looking around. And like you could just see them like, you know, just basically circling. They're like human, you know, like he might need a ride. But yeah, I don't know. I mean. Well, what's weird about it in San Francisco is like I got to the airport. I mean, people go like, I love San Francisco because of the people. And then I get picked up by a Waymo with nobody in it. I go to that hotel at the Punchline, which is a self-set.

It's a self-check-in kiosk. You don't talk to anybody. Whoa, I haven't ordered this. Then I order Uber Eats, and it shows up in a fucking cart. This is great. Do they have these in New York? I think I saw one, but it was graffiti. Yes.

Yeah. I know what you're talking about. The delivery thing. I've only seen them in L.A. I go downstairs and get it. Then I go on Only fans. So you had a whole day with no human contact. No, and the people are...

They should say, then I'm at the show and what happened. No, he's there. Yeah. See, I needed a punch. That's what this podcast is. I bring Dave on. I set up a good premise and then he's the doctor. Okay.

So, yeah, so that's weird, huh? Yeah, it is weird. And I think that a lot of... How much is the waymo? Is it more expensive than a human? It started out cheaper than Uber and now it's more expensive. Crazy, huh? But it's just the people, I feel like the people that have tech jobs now, most of them are training AI to take their jobs in the future.

That's what their goal is right now. Well, what can I tell you? You think homeless people will be training bots to become new homeless people? No, I mean, like, it's weird when you see such a shift in your lifetime. Like, it really is a super shift. And like, I wonder if it's like this all the time where people are actually saying, this could go bad for us, this could go bad for us. Yet everybody's like, well, what are you going to do?

Yeah. You know, it's like things move so slowly, you know. But this thing is going to take jobs and it is definitely going to, I don't know, there's like so many reasons never to leave your house now. You know, when I was growing up there was very few reasons. Now it's like you could stay, if you had everything you needed in your house, you could stay there forever. You know, it's like in the past, it would be like boredom would hit cabin fever.

You know what I'm saying? You'd have to go outside and do something. And then you add like that pot is legal. Right. That is the substance. Yeah. If you're high, all the much easier to sit at home and play video games. But it seems most of the people who are high now work.

They all like have, you know, like they're working in a shoe store or something like that. And they're just kind of, you know, like just basically, you know, doing the least possible. Yeah. Right. So yeah, what else? This tech stuff is great. Keep it coming. You knew this was coming.

And here it is. What? Luigi. Luigi. This is something I never jumped on. You know, because it did happen in New York. And, you know, I have to say the one thing that got me was he escaped by a moped. And I thought that was... Did he really? Yeah, I think so. I think that was his thing. He's like he had a getaway moped or bicycle or something there. And then I kind of lost interest. To be honest, I did. But yeah, it's terrible and yeah, and whatever. Insurance, it's funny that you bring that up.

Because like I'm in a rut right now, man. I'm broke, you know, taxes. Yeah. Spent too much money this year on like my own dumb projects. And now, you know, the taxes and then the insurance. Like that's the problem with, you know, with what we do. Because if like you do enough TV, you can get on their insurance, which is way better. So like I evidently didn't do that.

So like now I'm kind of out there, feral. Well, I got insurance for me, my wife and two kids. $50,000 a year. Wow. Yeah. Nice. So I don't know what you pay. I mean, they know you're a smoker.

That must make you have to pay more, right? I have no idea either, you know, but... You don't even know what you pay in insurance. I don't know anything, basically. I have my people, but, you know, the biggest expense of my life is my mom. You know, I have round the clock care. Yeah. And, like, the way I look at it now, because it's so expensive is, like, I'm running a one-person

hospital. It's like, I should get them lab coats and they can kind of, like, mill around, and then there's, like, a code. Like, what's going to? on oh it's it's her you know and they run into the room set of cameras and sell yeah but it's like a one person hospital yeah yeah it's the new uh what's the one in how's everyone doing today it's the new pit yeah so you know the drama of one person but uh yeah that's super

pricey i've said it on every podcast whoever's dealing with that whoever has to take care of you know a person with dementia you know all that kind of stuff god bless you're an uh an angel and like now i'm very lucky with my sister you know, I pay all the bills and all that stuff and go out there, but my sister's really the one like managing the hospital, basically. Yeah. The age, she zooms with them every day. Yeah.

But you're great. Your mom, I saw your picture of Christmas with you guys. Yes, you were bumping Santas. Bumping Santas. That was very sweet. And then I was like, there's got to be some blowback on the Santa, I'm sure. You know, how dare you? Why are the Jews appropriating all Santa?

I was just trying to, you know, basically, you know, whatever. And like, she was looking at. after Santa, like, it was almost like she had won an Emmy. Like, I don't know what to say. I didn't think. So go ahead. Did she, did she raise you Jewish? Yeah, we're very Jewish. Did you bar mitzvahed all that? I bar mitzvid. Yes. I, I, what was I going to say? You know, the temple, you know, like we would go and then we stopped going. But I was just at my dad's cemetery, which is, you know, a Jewish cemetery. It's not open on, um, I, Let's see, what is it? It's not open on Saturday, which is the best day for me to go.

Right. And it can't go, you know. And what was going to say? You know, it's a Jewish cemetery. So like, you know, you see a lot of people like, I feel like I'm the only person ever goes. Like, you know, everybody else is just like, we put them in the ground. It's done, you know. But I don't know.

Would you want to be buried or? No, my father got buried up in, he's in New York in Westchester County. And it was really funny because my mom wanted him to have a good view. Like it's on a hill with a view. Oh, must be pretty, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it is. It's very beautiful. But no, I'd say ashes.

My father-in-law was an environmentalist. Like, he was kind of a radical environmentalist. Yeah. So when he died, we put him in a wicker basket and just put flowers on it. And we just went into the woods and dug a hole and stuck him in. Are you allowed to do that? No. No, I don't think so.

But he didn't want chemicals going into the ground. Like when you put all that formaldehyde, is that what it's called? Yeah, there's a bunch of chemicals. Yeah, he didn't want all that seeping into the earth. Wow. Yeah. So, you know. No, I want to be buried, I think.

Although I have serious claustrophobia, so I was thinking about it the other day. But I was like, I think the cremation is the way to go. Yeah. It really is. Even though that HBO special, did you see that? Which one? Oh, HBO thing. Oh, yeah, I did see that.

That the guy. He was like basically cremated and like five at it. time and that he would give you ashes it could be your it could it could be like basically you'd have to that's not my aunt you know i mean who's gonna know you know you try to smell it to see if it's your aunt but then you're sniffing ashes into your nose but who's no who knows what's gonna you know like um i don't know do you do you have that in your will do you have a will or anything like that i do have a will and yeah we we said cremation nice my mother bought like a plot for all of us so there is a hole for me to put my ashes

is in in the ground. Well, my dad's cemetery. I don't want to be very there. It's really too hard to get to. I mean, my joke is this, and this is the joke, but it's like, anybody who goes to visit there

is talking about traffic. Like, you don't know the traffic. You know, Irv, you don't know how bad the traffic is. You know the I-90, whatever? Oh my God. There was an accident, and I'm lucky I made it.

And I also think that they should have, like, better hours at the cemetery. Because right now it's 8 to 4. and it's like, why not the nights? You know, let's go at night. Let's see what it's like. In L.A., weren't they doing the shows, like, at night? Yeah, they would show movies in the cemetery.

To me, that was like only in L.A. Would you do that in Detroit? No, no, no, I don't think you would. No, no. No, but I like that. Like 10 p.m. to 3 a.m. is visiting hours. You go during a full moon. You bring a Ouija board.

You have a conversation. Or just, like, imagine, like, wandering around there. Because I've, like, wandered, and I just look at different, like, this guy lives at 100. and look at this guy, you know, like, I like that. Just looking at the different things. I was telling my friend, I go, there's a guy who's like 102, like a Dick Van Dyke.

And I'm like, anybody who knew this guy's dead has to be. Like there's not even like, you know, like a third cousin, whatever, alive. It's like, this guy died, you know, like, it's done. I know. You should be able to, like, flip it now. Yeah. But when I grew up in Tarrytown, we had, there was a lot of angel dust back in the 80s. and these kids used to go down to the Bronx

and buy angel dust and they'd come up and they were called the, well, they got the nickname the Gravediggers because we went up to the cemetery and they were on Angel Dust and they dug up a newly buried body. Jesus. And they took the limbs and they're playing football with an arm.

Wow. And they got caught and they all went to jail. These were teenagers. Wow. And we called them the Grave diggers after that because they got out of jail and they hung out at the same bench on Beekman Avenue.

Oh, so they didn't kind of like move on with their lives? No, no. No progress at all. Wow. Yeah, they were the heavy metal kids. Geez, I wonder what they're doing now. What do you think? One I know is dead.

I figured they'd like work for the city or something. One of them robbed my house. Oh, wow. Took my mom's jewelry. Geez. Wow, this is a story very close. The grave diggers. How cool is that?

I know. Nice. You only think of the monster truck. They should get that. All right. What else? All right. Next up, we got the, we got an American Pope, which is amazing.

Thank God you brought this up. Yeah. Yes. I mean, honestly, that movie Conclave, I have jokes on all this, but Conclave, that movie was great. The guy was in it, it was mostly in Latin, by the way. But the guy was in it was fantastic. Yeah.

He's a great actor, that guy. I forget his name, but he's awesome. Stanley Tucci? No, he's in it, too, but he's always good. Yeah. What was going to say? That guy is just awesome. He also played Ulysses in this other movie.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's great. And the guy is just awesome. Yeah. But yeah, no, this guy, Leo, I don't know. I'd say we have to give him a decade or so to settle in. He seems like he's pretty healthy, though. What do you think?

Yeah, he seems young and healthy. I don't know if I'm excited about an American pope. Like, I think of like, you know, our accountant is Jewish. like I want my accountant Jewish. Yes. And I want my Pope Italian. Like that's what they do. Like they, Italians like really believe in God.

Right. Americans, you'll be like, do you believe in God? And the typical Christian will be like, yeah. You know, like kind of casual. But the Italians, like, when you go to church and they're drinking the sacramental wine, like they literally believe it's Jesus's blood. Really? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. They're like, oh. See, I didn't even want to weigh in on it since I'm not. not a member of the faith or anything like that. So, but he's, he's an American in whatever. See, like, he didn't do that to get away from taxes, you think? Because what did the Vatican City, like, he has to pay taxes, too, I assume. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, I think he's, you know, you know what I'm going to say is just like his message is always about peace, you know? Yeah. They should mix it up occasionally with like an old crusader pope. You know, it's like war. God just, wait, is it war? Is there still a Byzantine empire? Yeah.

That's head over there. Those Ottomans, I don't like the looks of them. And also, like, he's from Chicago. Right. So. Are they proud of him? I bet you they are. Well, the White Sox fans are, he's a White Sox fan, which, how do you believe in God and

you're a White Sox fan? You lost me on both of these things. Oh, you don't watch sports. Not really, but I know in Chicago, like, you know, you can't, like, in a room, if you bring something up, like, it'll just, it'll basically the room will explode. You know what I'm saying? Well, I think a lot of the, he's a White Sox fan. A lot of the other popes were Cub Scouts fans.

So people are excited about that. As they would say, you should use that in your routine. That didn't, I'm sure that would get multiple moans in the sensitive world of New York comedy. I did a joke about the pope that was so corny that I did it twice. And then I felt like, I felt like, what am I? Like a late night. It was, the communion wafer is now going to be deep dish. Like, that's just awful.

Well, that sounds like a late night joke. But at least you called yourself on it. But what about the crowds? What do they think? Well, to me, it was a litmus test for the crowds. The two or three times I did it, I was like, if they like this, I know they're dumb. I just did, oh, my God, I won't say the room, but I was in New Jersey doing a room. And I'm not saying all of New Jersey, because like the stress factory I really love.

But I was in a room where they were just so nice but dumb. Like every time I did a joke that I was proud of, like one of those ones, it takes just a little bit of effort. Yeah. It was just nothing. And then so I didn't do those jokes after a while. And then they'd walk out and they'd be like, that was really great.

And I would feel really bad because it wasn't really what I wanted to do. You know what I'm noticing besides just being an incredibly old person in this young person's game is that there are still people that have never, been to a comedy show. Don't you find that like almost like, how could you not have been to a comedy show? And like, some of them will be like, you know, I only live a few blocks from the club, but what can I tell you? My life has been amazing. And like, I never thought I'd have to pay for laughter. And then this other person said, let's go to the comedy club. And I'm like, where is it? Oh, it's in my house. So I'm like, I'm like, you have to hear these stories all the time. Meanwhile, at the

club in the city here, the cellar, there'll be people showing up with the travel bags. Like they got on a plane somewhere in South Africa. It's like, I have to make that show. Like, I'm like, can you believe that they're coming right from the airport or they're going right to the airport? And I'm like, dude, it's not worth it. This isn't like, you know, this isn't Cirque de Soleil. Well, I think for like this comedy store is like that in L.A., like people fly and

definitely the comedy mothership. Oh, that one for sure, yeah. People fly in to go to the store and they'll go to like one night they'll go to the main room, the next night they'll go to the original room. and then maybe they'll go to the improv, but it's like sex tourism for comedy, you know? Right. I guess they heard about it.

That was like the highlight of their trip. But you played the mothership this year, right? Yeah, I'm doing it again in February. Awesome, dude. I was there in July and I'm going back in February. Oh, that's a good time to be in that town because it's so hot there. Yeah. Summers are brutal.

July was brutal. Oh, man. But when I was there, you know, it's funny because like that is kind of the the sanctuary of all free comedy, right? Yeah. But there was a couple of groans. in the crowd like a moaned and a groan like a sensitivity and i was like i was like who are you know who is that how dare you in this house you know and it was funny like they should have dragged

them outside and like shot them like we have zero policy on sensitivity here yeah um most things to be the mothership um yeah i'm gonna do kill tony i think i think i did kill tony with you one time Yeah, I bet. Yeah. Yeah, that was cool. I did that at the garden. Oh, you did? Yeah, that was pretty, and I said to Tony, I go, dude, how, like, talk about, like, you know, just like payback, you know, for years.

He's struggling, you know, doing this thing, you know, like, and it's like it just has built and built and built. And, like, I'm sure he could have done another two, three shows there. I mean, the audience is so fanatical about that experience. Yeah. No, I was there in the early years. We used to do it not in the main room, not in the OR, the belly room, which holds like 40 people. Sure. And it was there for years.

Exactly. You know, he worked it out, you know. He's a really good producer. That's for sure. I told him, Mike said, I'm trying to do my own thing. And I look to you and I go like, you know, you bring an event. I mean, like the band and all this pyrotechnics and all that kind of stuff. And I'm like, how do you do it?

He's like, you just got to like basically dig in and say, I'm doing it. You know, it's like you've got to mentally prepare yourself that, like, this is going to be expensive, time. consuming, all those things. No, he's the Erica Kirk of Open Mic Night. What about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey getting engaged? I'm for it. I mean, enough already.

I love her. I think she's coming up on 35. She could be president. She's like now in the year to be president, you know? And like she, I don't know, like, I don't know, like that tour, like, you know, like, talk about like, just, you know, like, you're like laying in bed in some hotel and, like, there'd be a new story. Like, Taylor Swift is, you know, like, she sold out all of Indonesia or something like that.

You're like, wow, that's crazy. It's awesome. I know. Meanwhile, her boyfriend is in the Super Bowl, you know? For sure. Yeah. Well, that's funny. Like, you know how, like, when your act doesn't apply to you anymore?

Like, her songs are about loneliness and, you know, like, you know, the broken heart. And, like, she's like, okay, well. I'm leaving on a private jet to go see my boyfriend who's in the Super Bowl See it works people Don't let that three hours of songs fool you I'm doing just fine And he should be done too

Because he's the jock that got the hottest cheerleader It's over, retire But he's the one who's going to be like The stay at home dad eventually Because how long can he play You know he's all like beating up You know she's got to like go like to the refrigerator And give him another shot in his knee

You know like that kind of thing I mean those guys are beating up Well, they're beaten up, but they all dream about going into the broadcast booth and calling the games later. Like Tom Brady's in the booth now. And it's like, the problem is, like, they get in there and they're not relatable guys. Like Joe Buck is just an announcer. He's not like an ex-football player. So you can understand when he's describing the plays.

But the other guys get in there like, well, you know, they flip the wishbone there now. And, you know, that reverse hook. And you're going like, Tom, nobody knows what the fuck you're talking about. Well, you know, these guys, you know how much money they can make. if let's say they were allowed to, like, run a gambling site. Oh, yeah. Here's my insight on these guys because I know them all. You know, like, can you imagine, like, what they would,

even if they were wrong 50% of the time, you would do it because you get to engage with him. Yeah. But also, like, these guys got to know each other. It's like, we were partying two nights ago. He ain't got it. He ain't got it. You know, like that kind of stuff. Put your money on the crank guys, not the fentanyl.

That kicker, his aunt died. All right? little, you know, so they would know like all that insight stuff. People, they could make millions. Yeah, that's good. Your kids are in college, right? One's out and one is never going to go. Really?

She's not into it. She has learning disabilities, so she doesn't like school. So what, what, because like now that, like, sports people can get paid in college, you know? Oh, right. That's like the ultimate, like, you know. My nephew is like a, like, really good lacrosse player. Oh, yeah? Yeah, there's probably hundreds of dollars that.

he can make playing liquid. It's like the one sport. I know. I know. It's like the one. Yeah. It's like him and a fencing guy. They have to study real hard.

I know. Yeah, my son played soccer in college. You played club soccer. But he loved it. You know, I think it's really good for kids to play. Even if your nephew doesn't make any money from it, I think it's amazing. It's great. Just in our, we're so unathletic.

He's like fit and, you know, tough. We love it. We love it. All right. Let's get to Thailand is the first Asian country to legalize same-sex marriage. It is? Yeah. Wow.

Okay. What time's our flight? I don't know. That's great. Good for them. There's been a lot of Thailand talk lately. Well, there's something funny about, like, you know, yeah, it's same sex, but one of them started as a different sex.

So it's not really. They're kind of cheating. Don't believe the things you've read. on you porn. But I know a lot of guys who do the Muay Thai, you know. Oh, sure. And like those

moitai fighters, have you ever seen them? Oh, yeah. Like 80 pounds of bad news. You look at these guys. You'd be like, look at this guy. Yeah. Can you imagine? Like, these guys, not only do they fight, they fight all the time. Like, basically, it's like, they're constantly fighting all the time.

And like, you know, you never hear about like he's out with an injury. Like, out with an injury, dude. We have two reasons why there's no fight. Tsunami. Or a gay marriage. Yeah. So like,

but I thought you were going to bring up the Thailand, Cambodia, uh, problem that's going on there. You want the one that, uh, that Trump solved? Yeah.

Yeah. But there's still kind of fighting over there. Yeah. But that, that's like, that's like one of those things where like, I've known people who've like gone to that area of the world, you know,

like basically for like, they've all gone. gone there and then it was always like to take some kind of magical drug that was like going to be like a thousand therapy sessions like it's I'm going to figure out what I want to do because I'm going there in the jungle and all that kind of stuff so maybe some of that will stop yeah that'll be good because I'm done with those stories I've yeah too many of them yeah I know it started off with I think it was Peru and like you lick ayahuasca and you yeah iowasca you lick and then there was the lick like a toad one yeah that's so old though now that's like our generation of

But now there's like just a million like powders and like, you know, you have to sit on a ruin and, you know, do something. Whatever. Do it while you can because when you get all this all colonoscopies all the time. I think that would be good merch if we went down in one of those places and sold T-shirts that said, I got ruined in Mexico. Ruin porn, that's what they call it. Have you ever watched trans porn? Have I? I'm trying to think this is like

This would be like a new This is like the interview for an equitable job Of course I have I watch every type of porn This is like Is it gayer What is it gayer to watch trans porn Or straight gay porn?

Well why is it that they always have a bigger member Than we do It's always like Oh that thing flapping around It's like whoa look at that I know, I want a little one. Yeah, so I would say in terms of porn, which I just got back into it lately, because I'm into the vintage. But now vintage is considered the 90s.

So isn't that cool that like, you know, all the VHS, the last wave of DVDs and VHS and everything like that. And I swear to God, every everyone I had, I had every VHS, you know. Oh, I used to go with you. I remember walking into Sex World and Times Square and you walked in the door and they were like, Hey Dave, and they had like a bag of stuff that you ordered that had come in. It was really tough. You know, because like sometimes like you don't want to be seen. So, but they're like, they knew me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, I was like the guy who like would pay with his credit card. And I'm like, okay, so your wife doesn't look at that, you know. What did you do with all your old DVDs? I said. I got rid of them. Oh, you did? I at one point had like one of the biggest collections of vintage erotica, as we used to call it.

Like tons of it. Like basically, if you stood on it, you could hang yourself from. That would be the ultimate. I think it was an old joke of mine. All they found was like the porn. What did you do with it? Nobody wanted it, I bet. Nobody wants to use porn.

Now I'm going to be out at it as a guy who just dumped it. You know, I threw it in a river. No, I tried to sell it. My friend took some and he said, I know a guy who collects this. So he got rid of it that way. But the rest of the tapes, you know, just had to like just throw them out. I mean, like getting a DVD machine to work. Like, do you have one in your house anymore?

Because you remember like when we all get those tapes like of ourselves? Yeah. You know, and I was like, oh, man, they were like this big. And then it became like really small. And now it's like, now like you have to really want one to get one. But I was like, dude, somewhere there's tapes of all of us, just like laying around somewhere that no one, you know. Well, because when we were trying to break into the road, we would have to mail out the HHS. tapes.

Yeah. And then you go into the Booker's office at the club and he would just have wall-to-wall tapes that he hadn't looked at yet. That's a big thing with the younger crowd of comics where they go, you know, every booker says send a tape, but they don't watch them. And I totally feel for them because it's like they're doing what they were told to do. So they should just really say like, we don't, we're not taking auditions or we're not taking new people for them to go through all the work of doing all that kind of stuff.

But it's a link. it's not like they're sending an actual tape. So yeah, that's what I have to say for the young, I feel for them. Well, you've always been good to your openers. Sure. And you brought new people on the road. And you've launched careers. I mean, look at, you know, Louis Schafer is doing, not Louis Schaefer.

Louis Schaefer is doing just fine. How is, yeah, what happened to Louis Schaefer? All I know is he lived in England. Oh, okay. I believe he's still in England right now, which is one of those things where, like, do you think you can live in another country like forever? No. Which country would it be?

Ireland. Really? Yeah. You know, I've been there, I'd say two times or something like that. It's very pretty and it's very like, I find the people incredibly smart. Yeah. Just like, you know, but I'm like at some point that wears off. So like, you know, like I would miss too much of the bland accessibility here of like, you know,

I'd just feel like getting a pizza. I'm sure it's like some weird, you know, they have a long conversation with the guy delivers it or something there. Like what, you know, like why they are? Because you're Irish. Yeah, I feel a connection when I go there. And I feel like the people, I feel like they're the best storytellers in the world. True.

I think they've got the best vocabulary. It's like colorful, funny language. They're well read, I always felt, you know. They're well red. I think they're super loyal. And it's visually incredible. And I just feel something like almost in my DNA. Like I go there and I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm front.

Like all four my grandparents are from there. Did you ever research, like, where they're from and all that? Yeah, I found that. Well, my grandfather was one of 13, and they grew up in a two-room, like, mud house. Wow. And so they... What years was that? He came over here in, like, 1910.

And so they basically, oldest kid comes over, get set up with cousins or something. And then they start sending money back to Ireland. And then one by one, the kids all came over. And then the youngest daughter stays with the parents to take care of them as they get old. That's your social security program when you're Irish is the youngest daughter. But their economy's better, way better. The paper tiger. The green tiger.

The green tiger. Yeah. And I think they're still in the EU. You know, they're not the Brexit. Yes. So there's definitely got to be some kind of crazy exchange going on now, like through England to them to go, you know, get all that EU stuff. Well, all the British, like my wife, I can get it too, but I haven't done the paperwork. But my wife did the paperwork.

She's an Irish citizen now. She's a dual citizen. Really? If you have a grandparent that's from there, you just fill out the paperwork. And then I can live anywhere, live and work anywhere in Europe for the rest of my life. Yeah, it's all about climate, though, you know, like when you think about it. That's why people like, you know, they moved to Spain or something because they were tired. Then they're like, you know, at first I sold everything I had and I thought it made a mistake.

But now I realize this is great. And, you know, they just wanted to like flip the whole script there. Yeah. Maybe you should do the best of both worlds, which would be they have these boats where you can live on them forever. Have you ever seen that? No. It's mostly for like, like retired couples.

Like a salebo? Probably childless couples. Like couples and like their small dog where like they go from like different, you know, countries and they like, you know, it's not like gambling and like there's no comic on the boat. It's like basically they live there. They have a cabin. That's their house.

And they go to different things. They have like a little adventures for them, you know, wine tasting, something like that. And then that's what they do. So like to me, I was like, I wonder. kind of people do that, you know, like where do they get their mail? Like what goes on? Yeah. Like the majority of them said like, you know, it's actually cheaper to do this than it is to live like where we lived and all that kind of stuff. So that sounds like a nightmare. That's literally the worst thing I could imagine doing in life. I hate boats. I like knowing my neighbors. I like

knowing my neighborhood. Right. You know. Hey, but no fires. If there's one, everybody goes. It's one fire you're really thought. No, but I was think it's funny that like the woman was talking about it. She's like, yes, it's a great experience. And they were supposed to go someplace, but there was like terrible weather, so they didn't go. And then it was like the war. You know, it's like, well, we couldn't go there. Yeah, yeah. So they're basically going to the same five, you know, we're going to Puerto Rico. It should be exciting. Going to the same place. The cruise ships are going. Yeah. But it's like the fancy boat. Go ahead. All right. Tariffs. Yes. Keep them going. No, I don't know anything about it, really.

I do know as a chronic online buyer of stuff that things are more expensive and it takes more time like to get something. Yes. Like from an Amazon or something like that. It takes way more time. And the whole thing, the beauty of online buying is that, you know, you get it. You buy it like four in the morning. You're on there. Okay, I need that.

So it comes the next day and then you're like, oh, you know. I think somebody, Neil Brennan has a great joke on it on whatever these things. I would say for me, I'm like, you know, this is crazy because, like, you know, I'm a prime member. I should be getting it now, you know? And now it's like, what, a week? What is this? The post office? Yeah.

Well, the worst is like my merch is from China. Like my little buttons. I have these little pins that I sell. And now they used to cost me like $2 each and now they're like $4 each and they take forever to come. Oh, wow. So you have to bulk up. Did they give you a deal if you bought like $10,000? It would go down a nickel.

I bought 3,000 last time. Wow. Yeah, I think I might maybe I send in the shipping is as expensive as hell. That's how you could have cleaned up with this fire is that you could say that I lost 3,000 pins and merch with the retail price of this and then they have to make like a deal with them. Yeah. Wow, that sucks.

Speaking of which, like I went to your website. Yeah. Because look, I put a fucking script together for a guest. You've got T-shirts for sale on your website. I think I'm done with all of them now. But it doesn't make sense because like. It lists like shirts that have nothing to do with you. What are they?

Jerky Boys. Do you have a jerky boys t-shirt? No. Well, whenever they link your t-shirt to, they list these other t-shirts as part of your site. Oh, maybe they're making some money because I'm not. Oh, yeah. It's like MTV, Cyan, painter, fiddlehead. Like, I think these like alt bands and somehow they're like making money off your site.

Maybe it's the same company, yeah. I know, but it looks like it's your site. Let me see it. Can I take that to my person? I'll give it to you when we're done. Okay, good. Because I've got to ask you a couple more. All right, Ozambic.

Yes. The comedy joke that keeps giving. Everybody has an Ozempic show. But then there's the other one, Maduro, right? Oh, right. Yeah, see, I think you're cooler if you bring that one up. Uh-huh. But, uh, I don't know.

You were always so bony thin anyhow. I'm fit. I'm fit. You're fit. I used to be, I was 270 pounds when I was, in college. Never knew that. No, I've always been quite thin.

Yeah. So as an ex-fat person, do you wish that they had OZemPEC back then and then you would have been popular? No. I think it's like, the problem is it's one of those things where you take it, and I know people have done this, you lose the weight and then you stop taking it and it all comes back immediately. Does it really?

Yeah. Because I've never seen anyone stop taking it. No. People stop taking it. Well, you know, right now, I think. Trump said it's covered. Like, so it's, it's like $100 a month or something, even less. Oh, cool.

And so, I mean, it's good. I mean, America's fat. Yeah. But I sort of feel like I'd rather see people diet and exercise their way out of it and, like, actually become better people. Yeah, but they don't want to do that. Yeah. I know. But I feel sorry for the shows that I love, my 600-pound life.

Oh. Did you ever watch that show? Yeah. That's a good on the road show with Doctor Now. And they have these people who are morbidly obese. they're definitely going to die. And they're going to him as the last, like, before we will do the operation, they have to usually lose about 100 pounds just to fit into the operating room.

And it always starts with them being wheeled into his office. And they have to somehow get up and get on this truck scale to see, like, they can finally see it. They're like, I knew I was overweight, but I didn't know I was 900 pounds. I mean, I can't move at all, but I thought I was, you know, whatever. But that's like the moment where they're like, whoa, are they going to say he's just right? And he wheels out, you know. But the guy goes, you have to change your diet. You have to lose all this weight.

And I'll see you in six months. If you don't lose 85 pounds, we can't even talk about having this lipos, whatever that. What was the stomach tapling? Yeah, they put rubber bands. Yeah. Yeah. So like that shows over now. Yeah.

The OZempic. Now it's my 200 pound life. I think it's great. I mean, look at all these people who are like so excited. excited about it. Yeah. And you know what it does? It activates your other like, what else can I do to myself? And then you see a lot more plastic surgery, I think. Younger people getting plastic surgery. They have no idea what they're going to look like yet. I know. I know. I mean, I get it when you got a big nose. That was always a big thing, like for teenage girls to get a

nose job when they turn like 16 or, but I get that. But I also like a, I like a beautiful girl with a big nose. That was always my favorite thing. Really? I felt like I had an end, like I had a shot. Right. And she was still beautiful. You want that one thing wrong with a girl. Okay. Like a limp. A limp is always good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Especially, like, when you invite her out for all those things, like, how about ice skating? No, you can limp and ice skate. That's like this. Well, it circles the whole time. She'll naturally be circling. But, OZampic, so what's your take on the road with it? Like, do you get laughs off of it? What, I don't do Ozepic jokes?

Oh, right. Well, you live in LA. I mean, that's probably sacriacralage. Yeah, yeah, they resent you for that. That's like doing... Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. So, Ozympic is a big game changer. I think it's going to say. Co-play concert, the kiss camp. Yeah, what was that about? Well, it was a guy and a girl that were both married. Right. And they both had kids. And he was her boss at work. And she was the head of the Human Resources Department.

Oh, right. And they got caught. You know, they got that kiss. cam that goes around and finds people and he had his arms around her from behind and they put the camera on them and then they both kind of ducked and turned away and then the world saw it and their marriage has ended

and they lost their jobs. Are they both together though? No. Oh, that sucks. But I personally don't like to see any public display of emotion with old people and as an old person I myself don't like it. But like, yeah, I saw them

hugging each other like, you know, cold play. at us. We're in our early 60s. You know, we really made it. I mean, doesn't it seem like how exhausted are you, like, as a man? I don't know. I'm not going to say how old you are, but I'm 60. Like, to do all the stuff

you have to do and then cheat. I know. How much work is that? Like, oh, God, my hip hurts. Oh, I mean, really, that's got to be like, you've got to really want it, right? I know. I remember the E.C. Sony soprano coming home at 2 a.m. Yeah, like tiptoeing in.

Titoing in. I can't take an extra shower every year. I can barely get one shower. Just all that extra talk interest, fake interest. Oh, really? You're going back to school at 70? I got to buy a second. I can't even handle buying one phone.

I can't buy two phones now. Yeah, that seems like a lot of work. Yeah. But so they now both are broken up, right? I think so. And I don't know if they're dating. I haven't heard that they're dating each other, but it seems like they'd be the only people left

that they could date in America because they're such pariahs. But what a win for Coldplay, right? Yeah. Honestly. It was huge for them. Yeah, well, they always held up, though. But Oasis rocked this year. Like they...

Oh, my God. Talk about, like, out of the gun, like, tickets, like, cannot get them. In England, like, they had to add, like, a million... I mean, they're playing everywhere, so... 100,000-seat arena sold out, like, seven times in a row. All these arena shows, man, pretty... pretty wild, like, just the fact that, like, you know, like, what did these arenas do on a Tuesday night before this? Like, nothing, you know, like, what did they do? What do you think about performing

in an arena versus, like, in a club? No, I don't like it. I mean, I've never, it's not like they're there to see me. I'm just, like, I had some really great shows with Shane Gillis is here, and I've done them with, like, Bert on his tour, but that's, I'm doing 15 minutes. They're doing hours, so I can only imagine how hard that is to, like, constantly be, you know, like, circling around. And I noticed the really good ones, especially, you know, like, Bert, he brings the whole, like, you know, like, he brings the energy and it seems to match the room. Yeah. You know, but, like, when people, like, talk, like, you know, they bring in the crowd. Like, I've seen Shane do that too, which is really, like, masterful to bring the crowd close.

And, like, for me, I'm, like, trying to, like, dude. I'm like, I should be louder. No, wait. I should draw the minute. I should look this way now. I've been looking that way too much. So, yeah, I guess you'd have to do, like, 50, 200. 100 of those before you felt confident, you know?

You know who does it well is Big J will do crowd work and they use the camera on the crowd. I love that. Yes. And like he's just sitting on his stool. He's fearless, by the way. He is great. Yeah. Yeah. And Skankfest, is that on your list? Because I could talk about that for two hours. All right. We hung out a lot at Skank Fest this year. And that was really fun. How old did you feel like when you were there? I didn't feel that old because like I kind of felt bad for the young

people because they thought that they were at a festival and something was going to happen. This is for their career. I felt that I was like, you know, in the biker culture where it's like the biker club has moved on, but I had gone to prison. And now I'm out and they know me as a legendary biker. So I'm just hanging out like, yeah, man, you know, back in the day, you know, I was like, but it's the reverse because everyone's high and I'm not. Everybody there was like incredibly high, having a great time.

And to Lewis and Christine, I was like, you guys have done it. There's a Ferris wheel here. I ask them, how much does it cost to rent a Ferris wheel? I went through everything with them. They had all these events. They had all the boxing and everything like that. I love that. I was like, man, these shows are like the side now.

Yeah, yeah. Just to get like for the insurance. You know, yeah, we're just doing comedies. They got so many different things going on. Right, right. What did you think? Well, I liked it because like it used to be you'd go to a festival. Like when we went to Montreal back in,

like, you know, the early 90s. You would go and agents and mad, like literally like the heads of the studios and the networks would go to the show because Ray had a show on the air and all that. And so that was how you got some exposure and made a career. And that doesn't exist. Like you go to those events now. Like nobody's getting any deals and you realize the only way you get famous now is by getting canceled.

So this is a festival that literally gets you canceled. You got like thousands of people videotaping you. on mushrooms and naked boxing and... I love that part the best. I said to the guys at my gym, I go, have you ever seen like MMA BJJ with tasers? And they're like, where were you? I was just down in New Orleans and they were like doing it.

And the guy had the tasers. And they're like, no. And these are like semi-professional fighter people. And then they had Miss Skank Fest. Oh, great. And it was nice because for the winner, they found her parents. They paid for her abortion.

Well, they had the, what was the other one where it's like, you know, the guy who's like really out of shape. Oh, yeah. Did you see the second day of fighting? Because that's when I showed up. And I was like, whoa, look at these guys. And I was like liability insurance. And they even were saying to like, okay, he's leaving the mat now. He hit the pavement.

We are not, you know, like we are fine. But yeah, there's guys up there three day up on Coke and then get in the ring and everything. But the show. themselves, I would say it's hard on any kind of festival comedy because they've seen multiple shows. They're exhausted. They've heard a bunch. And I think that like you see the difference between the stand-up show and then the podcast show because they love the podcast show because they get to see it as they're happening. You know, it's kind of like theater for them. But the stand-up show, it's kind of like it's almost like they have to go see it like driver's safety. But there was,

I had one really good one, but you know, you got to go off the script. You can't just like do do your act there, you know, like he's got No, you were funny, kind of wilder. I saw. And Stanhope was there who was like another, you know, like he's legendary. Yeah. But I, um, you had all this funny local stuff and then like, you would change it.

I was like, when I have some local stuff at a place, I like, I'm so happy that I have like five minutes up front. Right. And you had this whole thing about how, no, the problem in New Orleans is your, your music doesn't match the crime. Yeah. I've been trying that here. It's not working.

It's such a funny. bet. But yeah, thank you. But yeah, no, I would say that's the town that we all like scratch our head with because the people there are so fun, they're unique, but there's no comedy scene. Like, none at all.

Never been a club in New Orleans. Anybody who's like, I'm out of New Orleans, you're like, well, where did you perform? You know, like, where could you actually do time? You know, it's really cool as Mark Norman's from there. And like one of the nights, there was a local comic, this black guy, and I was like, what's going on locally? And he's like, oh, I

I host this little pop-up show on Tuesdays, and Mark Norman just came down. Like at 9 o'clock on one of the festival nights, he went down and kind of supported the local scene. That's cool. Yeah. But I give it up for those people because, like, I think Lafayette is like the closest place.

I love that club. I haven't played that one, but I've heard of great things. Yeah, it's great. And then, you know, I played a casino in Shreveport, which is another one where you're like, they won't even let you play in New Orleans after that.

Like, you have to, like, give them that, like, zone. Yeah. You know, so it's like, you know, I'm like, I'm just going to go down there and see if there's anything to do because that's the better airport to fly out of anywhere. Yeah, right. But, yeah, no, New Orleans is like, you don't move there to do comedy. No.

You move there to like, you know, you're into like, you know, you want to be a writer, you know, an alcoholic writer or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I guess comedy, you got to go somewhere else. All right, one last question from the year. I'll give you a choice. I'll give you three topics and you can pick one.

You can either do, Kimmel getting fired. P. Diddy getting four-year sentence or Mamdani getting elected? Well, we might as well talk about Mundani. Okay. Since I live in New York, first of all, I live through de Blasio, and I don't want to see that again. You know, you had a lot of great ideas, you know, a lot of thoughtful thoughts. But at the end of the day, this town is about business.

All right, we've got to give people working here. And, you know, what was I going to say? You know, I said, I said. I've been bringing it up on stage, you know, because the older folk are kind of like, oh, eye rolling already. But the younger kids love him. They really do.

He's like a one-man beetle. Like these guys, and then I realized I'm like, why do younger people, I get it, it's like, oh, because they've grown up in politics where everybody's been 70 years older than.

You know, like the youngest of the oldest people is still like 50 years older than. It's like, finally a guy who might know their music, you know? finally a guy who understands how you know like waiting for a fresh direct order is you know like I don't know but yeah now this town man I don't know what to tell you yeah I mean we're all we're all holding our breath and uh you know when you said the waymo thing here you know like that's the one thing new York doesn't need which is like you know we have all these things that kind of work like the subway kind of works and this kind of works and that kind of works and it's like

fix one of them, you know, and then move on to the next one. Like whenever I drive out to my mom's house on Long Island, there's a construction thing that's been going on from before the pandemic. I've never seen any guys on the site, but it's always like, you know, it creates gridlock and traffic and everything. And it's like, okay, so evidently somebody started this because someone had to put up the work site. And then, like, I don't know what happened. Like, everybody said, like, no, we're starting an improv group.

It's like, okay, get other guys in. now. And that's my biggest problem with the young generation is follow through. Maybe it was a prank. Maybe some guys just said up orange colors like a decade ago. How long will we take it? So what do you, what is your plans for the next year? What are you thinking career and for your own body, your own life? Well, I realize that like I've sort of missed the whole social media thing. And I don't think it's too late. And I'm really kind of invigorated to like, I've got this new studio in L.A. that's like a really nice green screen studio. And I want to think of something fun to do

where I can put out new content. I want to cut up old videos. I'm going to like, this is going to be the year I actually give it a shot instead of putting out like one clip a month. Yeah. And see what happens because it's getting really hard on the road to fill clubs.

Like people were coming out after the pandemic, like in droves. And now I feel like in the last year, it's starting to calm down. And I think that for me to keep working in the clubs, I have to put some effort into being more of a presence online. So that's a big thing. That's pretty pragmatic what you talked about. I was going to say I was kind of hoping to disappear.

Like I really, you know, it's like. So the opposite. I'm like really spoiled in a way because it was like, I know I could go there and do pretty good. But like, you know, these other places like I've kind of given up on them. And it's like, if I can only do the ones where I know I'll do okay, then I won't have to do any work. But I realize we all have to service the B.

We have to do the content and all that kind of stuff. And I'm like, I'm like, you know, I don't know how long I'll do it. I know I have to do it for money. And also that's what I do. This is my thing. Like I love doing stand-up. But the travel and the everything around it now is another level. And I know it's like there's people who have real jobs.

This really makes it a real job. Just the waiting to get there and all that kind of stuff and like the delays and just the amount like you said with the merch and everything like that. how much like the hotel and all that kind of stuff is like gone up and yet you know the pay is pretty much the same and then you like you also have to like service the crowd too it's like you know like after the show you got to go out with the merch and you got to do all that kind of stuff too so you know at some point you realize you know like I've just spent three days there you know two of which were traveling to get there and then one day of like the joy of doing stand-up and it's like you know and then the thing that's most depressing is coming back off the road and like doing the shows in

your town or at your club and you realize it's like this is like a whole other level of like work like the crowds are sensitive they don't get it you know you thought you're going to work on that new bit you came up with on the road that's not happening you know you get involved in your own shit too well it's also like i feel like i just did alaska and i feel like the further you go yeah the more of a pain in the ass it is to get to the shows are so much better but okay let's say like here's the gig that like everyone always talks about which is hawaii which they can never have a club either because like there's just too much going on and anybody who goes over there

goes native right away. They're like, why should I work? I'm going to surf or I'm going to do this. So like if you went to Hawaii, would you charge more money than if you went to like wherever like, you know, Oregon, you know, because it's so hard to get to. Right, right, right.

Well, that's kind of a vacation though, so I would probably do that for Alaska then. But like Alaska, I did charge more and I'm going to charge even more next time. Yeah. Sure. It was a day, it was a full day of travel. For sure.

And that's from West Coast, right? Yeah, yeah, and that's from the West Coast. So how did you do it? You flew to where, Seattle? Flew to Seattle, and then it was another like three or four hours from Seattle to Fairbanks. Yeah. And then when I was flying back, I went to check in the night before. And because I had a close connection in Seattle, and it looked like I wasn't going to make it.

Like I ran and they just like held the door for me. So somehow it showed in the system that I never made that second flight. So they canceled my flight back. And I spent three hours on the phone. with Alaska Air trying to convince them, I'm in Alaska. I got here. How did I get here? Oh, wow.

That's, see, that's something where, like, at least you talk to a person. Yeah. Because in the future, you'll be talking to, like, a chat, GBT or something like that. And it'll be an Inuit. Yeah. It's Alaska Air. You have to pick a language. But, like, the other thing I realized, like, I was in Coach, like, premium, and then

when they finally gave me a seat, it was, like, the last row next to the bathroom. I like that one. And the thing is, like, if you're, here's the thing, if you go, if you go, if you go, you're sitting in coach, you can't brag. Yeah. You know, because you're not in like, people go like, what do you do? And I think I'm a comedian. They go, aw.

Like, you're a coach comedian. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And somebody's actually asking you what you do on a plane. That should be illegal. That's my, my mother does that move. All right, listen, we're going to let you go. I will plug your dates.

If you want to see David Tell live, Soul Joles. Yeah, let's talk about Soul Jolz. Yeah, let's talk about Sol Jolz. I love this club. The great news is this. During the pandemic, that was like our, like, Oasis. Yes. Sold Joel, he kept it going.

We were doing it outside in the tent. They've moved it indoors now, people. How about that? It's in like basically a banquet room. Yes. But it's got like a little rickety stage and the best crowds. It's so much fun. Yeah.

And I'll be selling my merch. I have some magnets. Do you? Yeah, there you go. Did you get that for me, that idea? What? No, why you sell magnets? Yeah.

No way, really? Yeah. Yeah. you do the pins. And I can't wait to get on a plane with about 30 pounds of magnets. That shouldn't trigger anything. Hey, can I sit near the engine? What's in this carry-on bag?

I just have about 400 magnets. Why would anybody travel with so many magnets? But have you ever had to pull your merch out and then demonstrate it? You see, you put it on your... It's a pin. No, I'm serious. It's a magnet. Literally, every time I fly, they open my bag.

I have to, yeah. I got the pins in. I got a huge bag of pins. Phoenix, Arizona, February 13th through 15. Fingers crossed on that one. Why? It's a big room, man. Valentine's Day, though. That's a big weekend.

Everybody in Phoenix leaves Phoenix whenever there's a three-day. They're like, let's get out of here. And then they always bring me in. It's like, what you would call it, like, oh, he'll just do it. Yeah. But, you know, they're cool there. That's a cool town, I guess, you know, and weather should be okay. Yeah.

I don't know, I've had some cold days there, too, so it might be freezing. It could be called nighttime gets cold because it's the desert. Brea coming up, San Francisco, Addison, Texas, Nashville. If you want tickets, you go to Dave Attell-E-L-L-L dot com. A-T-E-L-L-L dot. God, are you old. All right. They get it.

Go to David T-T-E-L-L-L-L. I had to tell, whatever it is. Anyway, I hope to see you guys out there. Have a happy and safe new year. Buddy, to you as well, man. Thanks for having me. Thanks for being on. Didn't want to come in, but once it started,

I couldn't wait. It was great. I got that energy at the beginning of the podcast. You saw it? You literally didn't. You didn't look at me for like the first three to four minutes of the podcast. I was just taking it all in, dude. I mean, three cameras in one room here.

All right. And a fake plant.