Fitzdog Radio - David Feldman (Fitzdog Radio #1134) | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: April 15, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Greg gets surprisingly emotional reflecting on his birthday, crying at speeches, golf, and the strange vulnerability that comes with aging, before welcoming comedy legend David Feldman for a wildly unfiltered conversation. The two dive into stand-up war stories, including on-stage fights, bombing after sold-out arenas, and the evolution of comedy from Boston and San Francisco to today. They riff on everything from Andrew Dice Clay and Anthony Jeselnik to conspiracy theories, podcasting, and the brutal honesty of chasing laughs for a living. It’s equal parts heartfelt, chaotic, and completely unhinged. Thanks to our sponsor:Rocket Money – Take control of your finances and cancel unwanted subscriptions.👉 https://www.rocketmoney.com/fitzdog This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to Fitzdog Radio. This is your very emotional emo. I'm your emo host, Greg Fitzsimmons. I cried again. If you listen to the podcast, you'll know. I had my birthday last week. I had a huge party and people gave speeches. My best friend, my best friends, all my best friends spoke.

My daughter spoke. I cried. I got up to speak and I cried. I choked, literally choked on tears and didn't get out, hardly any words. Didn't get out hardly any words. Kind of like now. So it opened up the floodgates and I realized that I had an acting teacher once that said, your emotions don't have a bunch of different valves. There's one valve that turns on all the emotions. And it's kind of beautiful. because, I mean, when you're acting, you're conjuring up emotions all the time. And it's kind of a great way to go through life. It's just feeling everything, good, bad, all of it.

And so after I cried on my birthday, I have since cried twice. And it's such a weird. Like, I cried at the Masters this week. I don't know if you watch golf, but if you do, the Masters is the biggest tournament of the year. And Rory McElroy is this golfer from North Northern Ireland and his father took a job working at a low level at a golf course so that Rory could play and the mother and the father scrapped jobs together to put him through golf school and and then Rory is now the highest paid golfer of all time and he won the Masters.

Did he cheat on his wife with the golf broadcaster from CBS, CBS? not CVS. Yes. That's alleged, but it's pretty much understood that he did Amanda something, and she interviews him after he wins tournaments now. Him and his wife split up over it, and then they got back together again, but he still gets interviewed by this one. Anyway, so he wins a tournament, and then he goes and he hugs his mother and his father, and I cry like a little bitch, and my wife was sitting next to.

to me and I was hiding my tears. I pretended I was wiping my forehead. I was really wiping my eyes and I thought, why do I feel shame right now? Why is there shame associated with crying? I guess especially for men, it's not manly. It's not, it's weak. And it's almost like in some instances, It's okay if somebody died, it's got to be someone real close. Someone died. Sports is kind of acceptable for guys. But the full snot coming down your face, that's for the movies. Like we don't accept crying, except in the movies.

Then we give you a fucking, if you got snot running down your face and your sob. We give you an Oscar for that. We reward it because we need it. It's a safe place for us to cry. That's why movie theaters are dark. That's why they give you napkins with your popcorn. It's not for the popcorn. It's for the crying.

We like to sit in that dark room and actually express an emotion like a human being and feel something. But I thought about it. What is crying even? Like why, if there is evolution, what was the trait of crying that somehow helped us in nature? Like, if you're being attacked by another caveman and you start crying, do you think he's going to be like, hey, guys, guys, guys, let's take it easy on this guy. He's, he's a mess. He's sobbing.

Let's go to the next cave. No, that's the guy they go after. They target the guy who's crying. So, I guess for men, it's not, I don't know, but why do we? What is it even? It's this physical thing you can't stop or control. Like jerking off, I'm doing it on purpose. And I know when it's going to happen.

Crying can just happen during a Hallmark commercial. And it's physical and it's such a weird phenomenon. It's an indication to people that they've touched you in some way. Anyway, that's it. All right, I shouldn't talk long. I got a great guest today. Should I just get right to it? I'm going to be at Bakersfield, California, at the Well on April 18th.

Then I'll be in Escondido at the Grand Comedy Club, April 24th and 25th. Brea Improv, one night, May 8th, Boston at Laugh, Boston, May 29th, and 30th. Then right after that, I'm going up to Rochester, New Hampshire, to the Opera House, and Agunkwood, Maine to play Jonathan's. That's the first week of June. I think you can get tickets at my website, but you may have to go directly to the clubs. I'm a little behind in updating my dates.

I'm sorry. But you know what I'm not behind in is checking on my finances. I realized a while ago that I had a lot of annual fees. I had a lot of subscriptions to things that I got and forgot I got, and that shit was adding up. And when you get rocket money,

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Be with us. My guest today. Oh, my God. This guy, he's won several Emmys, daytime. And I like my Emmys. He got nighttime Emmys. I got four daytime Emmys. He's got three.

He wrote, he got Emmys writing for Bill Maher and Dennis Miller and, was it Letterman? He's written for everybody. This guy's a beast. And he's a great comic. He's been doing it forever. He's a comics. He's somebody that everybody respects, everybody quotes.

Super cool guy. We've done each other's podcasts a lot. I really love him. I do. I love this guy. And I talked to him yesterday. And here is my chat with the great David Feldman. Welcome.

Welcome to my guest, the great David Feldman. Here's the thing that you get sometimes at our age. And you're considerably older than I am. They start to call you a legend. Like the MC will go, this next guy is a legend. How do you feel about that when they say that about you? You talk about the aging process? Well, no, just the sort of deference that's given to you when you get brought up on stage.

Do you enjoy being called a legend or do you feel like that that's sort of putting you on a dusty shelf with that? I think it's a good warning. I think it's like when you're about to see grandpa kids, it's, I just want to give you a warning. This is he's not home. This is the body is just a vessel. His soul is still there, but it's it's slowly seeping away. And I just want to prepare you because you're young. You shouldn't have to experience this at such a young age, but grandpa is checking out.

Please welcome David Feldman. and then don't don't look into his eyes while he's performing or he may he may just collapse right because nobody looks at him anymore in his real life there's not a stranger on the street that that sets their gaze on this guy ever no i'm like the arc from raiders of the lost art if you look into me yeah you begin to melt yes yes um hasn't been good no well i just well i just just turned 60 this week. So thank you. Thank you for saying that. You look, I swear to God, you look like you haven't turned 60 yet. Really? We're walking down the street. And I said, that guy does not, that guy looks like he's 59 and three-quarter. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the thing is,

I use a lot of moisturizer, but I don't put it on my face. I put it on my cock. So you should see how young my cock flux in constantly well you know what and you know what the crazy thing is i take my i shouldn't talk to about she's in the next room i take my wife's like esther larder high-end facial de-d wrinkle moisture and i i mean since you came on the screen all the wrinkles in my cock have disappeared. Really? I'm chumessent. That usually happens when I'm too messant.

The wrinkles disappear. It's like I have. Too messing? That means aroused. No kidding. Yeah, you, and I'm fully erect and there are no wrinkles on the shaft. Wow. So that's my, if you looked at my shaft right now, that is a young man's shaft.

And then if you looked at the balls touching my. toes, you go, okay, that's an old guy. That's an old guy who should wear a towel in the sauna. But he's not because. But the shaft, that's the beautiful thing about the erection is it's ageless. I mean, even when you're young, you've got Verico's veins on the top of the shaft. Right. And I like calling it the shaft because it makes it sound like I'm Richard Roundtree. I don't know who that is. Wasn't he the star of shaft. Oh, okay, good. Like he had a solid, a rock solid shaft. Yeah. I just, um, a big shaft. Well, you know he's got a big dick, I realized, uh, this weekend. You don't watch the Masters.

You don't watch golf, right? No. Even though the Masters is based on the fact that they were slave masters, like that that country club. That doesn't appeal to you in any way. No, I don't watch golf. So there's a golfer named Rory McElroy, and he's from Belfast, from Northern Ireland. And he has the biggest cock. He wears tight pants, and he's constantly adjusting his cock. And it's just so. He's got a putter, you mean, a nice putter there.

He's got a nice putter. Yeah, it's got a good shaft. And it's just so incongruous with the masters where everything is like, You can't have your cell phone out. You have to have a collared shirt, you know. And then here's the best golfer in the league. And he's got his cock protruding in his green polyester slacks. Well, maybe I will watch golf.

Now I'm in, is he from County Cock? Didn't we play County Cock? Isn't this isn't where the Irish Comedy Festival is? That's Kilkenny. That's still. Kenny. That's right. Yes.

Yeah. But there is a. County Cock. That's where you kiss the Blarney stone in County Cock. Yes, that's where I got herpes. You kiss some stones down there? They don't wash the stone. Yeah, they don't. Actually, I had a friend. Have you ever done Blarney Stone after hours where they turn it around and you see the other side of the Blarney hole? You get to lick the The Blarnie hole? So to kiss the Barney Stone.

Yeah, yeah. It's for after hours. You have to pay a lecture for that, Blarney. Yeah, if you kiss it, it gives you good luck. But if you lick the other side of the hole, you can achieve maximum girth. And thrush. I caught thrush. Yeah.

Licking the Barney hole. My advice, unless you're my age and you're going to County Cork, just kiss the Blarnie Stone, don't let them make you pay extra to turn it over with Blarney hole. Well, it's kind of our wailing wall, isn't it? Is it the same thing as the whaling wall? Yeah, I've stuck a couple of things in the wailing wall. Was it whaling before you put the things into it? It wasn't. Oh, you know what?

I have a joke that I wrote. Oh, here we go. So you just, so this sets me up for a joke that I came up with while talking to my son. I am an orthodox Jew. Yeah. I'm very orthodox. I wipe through a hole in the sheet. I was talking.

My son and I try to gross each other out. And he went, oh, that's really good. Like he stopped. And he goes, you wipe through a hole in the sheet. That's funny. You should use that. I thought, yeah. It's always good to tell people you're an Orthodox true.

Yeah, so what's going on in Israel these days? I don't know. I think Trump is the biggest friend Israel has ever had, I think. It seems like it, huh? I think the war is going fantastic. I don't pay too close attention, but he's the greatest president we've ever had, and everything's going to be great. Yeah, I just, I just, it's good to see that, you know.

Can we not talk? You know what? How many times have you been out to dinner with friends? And you say, isn't this great? We haven't talked about Trump. Yeah, I know. Can we not talk? I mean, let's talk about this.

That's all I talk about is Donald Trump. Yeah, all right. Let's forget about Trump and talk about this. I always research my guest because like you, I'm a professional host. I take it very seriously. I consider myself a broadcaster. You're the best. Well, thank you.

You are. You are the best. You are the best. You're prepared. And you're like Mike Wallace for 16 minutes. Yeah, like that. Yeah. I was going to make a mean joke about his.

But in that you relax me, and I forget that you have a big audience and I destroy my career. You have not only your career, but you strained your relationship with your ex-wife. Which ex-wife? number two, number three. Yes, so we want to be careful here because you relax me and then I forget that there are other people listening to this.

Right. And then it comes back to hurt me. Yes. Well, you know, that's the thing about Fitzdog Radio. It lulls you in and then a finger goes right up your ass and you go, wow. Wow. Yeah.

So here's what I did in my research for you. This is what I love about doing. It's like I feel like it's been, I've been to the dog groomer and you've expressed my anal sex. I'm no longer, after I do your show, I'm no longer scooting my asshole around the carpet. Yeah. So once a year, you got to come on and express. You got to express yourself. Yeah.

That should be the name of the podcast. Express my anal sex. Express my anal sex. What are anal sacks, by the way? It's like an alto sax, except your voice goes higher. Wow. The anal sac. So here's what I realized in my research of you is that your middle name,

and I hope we talk about this for a good 10 minutes, is Beauregard. Yes. Now, is that a Jewish name? That sounds like a redneck name, Beauregard. I'm named in honor of my great-great-grandfather from the South, who wasn't named Beauregard, but he always wanted to own slaves. So that was, he was. Wait, if he was your great-great-grandfather.

My great-great-grandfather was from the South. He always wanted to be a slave. holder. Yeah, right. So his name was Chaim, but in honor of great-great-grandfather, Chaim wanting to own slaves, my middle name is Beauregard. Kind of a name you give a dog, right? He was old enough to, he was around slaves, right? It was before they were, before that, it was, it was the antebellum south. I, you know what? I've, one of the things about slavery, It's like the Holocaust. Yeah.

So like I'll joke about the Holocaust. I'm not going to do any jokes about slavery. That's not my. But if you want to talk about the Holocaust, I can jump. But making jokes about slavery is not. No, that's it. That's touching.

It was a Holocaust. It really was. You and I are of a generation where they kind of sanitized slavery. Yeah. Was the Holocaust. Right. So, you know. So it's not ours to joke about.

Well, it is because... Have you ever seen their sketches? I don't want to talk about it. No, but what's funny is I did a joke. I used to do this. It was just a stupid joke. And I was at a, I did a college show in Minneapolis, outside of Minneapolis. And I go, yeah, so I was in college too.

I said I was on the college of work. growing team. And I didn't know much about the sport other than what I'd seen in those ancient Roman slave ship movies. I showed up to the first practice with a huge drum and a whip, but we won the league that year. And we sold off some of the Harvard students as slaves in the Adriatic Sea. So whatever, stupid joke. But then these two black women stand up and they start screaming at me, you ain't coming here and talking about motherfucking slaves? And I go, They were Roman. I go, they were white.

They were white slaves. Probably Jewish. Probably Jewish. And they wouldn't, they wouldn't calm down and they stormed out. And they made a scene. And the show ended early. And I got a letter sent to my agents. And I said, I got to stop doing colleges.

There's too many people. You know what the Jewish Roman slaves were? Here's 50 bucks. You row. My back hurts. Aye. Aye. the Jewish slaves.

I don't buy you for that. This is the worst cruise you've ever gotten us on, Moisei. There's no buffet. Where's the Alaska crab? They don't even have a place to Schmitz. Well, you know, there's a theory, Freud has a theory that Moses and the Jews really weren't slaves in Egypt, that they were just a separate tribe that invade. This is, this is Freud. Yeah. Because it's really is hard to believe the Jews built the pyramids, isn't it? Well, they have launched a lot of pyramid schemes in this country.

Bernie made off. So Freud had a theory that Moses was just an invading army. He just brought some people. and then they took over and they decided were the Jews. And they and who did they, so who built the pyramids? The Jews subcontracted. They took all the, I don't want to, in this day and age with all the anti-Semitism. Oh my God, there's so much of it. Yes. It's amazing.

Just in my house alone. Just on, just on Bill Mars show alone. There's so much. Wait, now, does he defend Israel? Or is he? I think he is a big defender of Israel. Okay. Yeah.

All right. And it's tough, you know, I'm a big defender of Ireland. And, you know, that's tough. We're not, we're pretty loathsome people. We were, we were, you'll get no argument from me on that. I mean, I'm not hearing any, not hearing any pushback on that at all. Come on, Feldman. No, I love the Irish.

Oh, look at Kevin Rooney, one of the great comedy writers. The greatest comedians are Irish. Kevin Meaney? I hate to, you know, sweeping generalizations, but the Irish are, I mean, great writers and great comedians. It is. I would say, honestly, the Jews and the Irish together make up 90% of the great comedians of all time.

Well, I would say they make up, well, we're. talking first of all I would say they make up they did make up most of the writing rooms yes but that's not saying so much about Jews and Irish as it is about bigotry and sexism and racism right I mean I started at a time if you were a white male every door was open to you Yeah. And I'm still a failure. I mean, that's the thing about that's so depressing is I look back and I had every opportunity. Every advantage. I mean, people, when I was coming up, every opportunity in show business, and I blew each one.

You were born on third base and you got tagged out leading. First. You were just leading. I was born on third. and thrown at it first. I mean, I had... When I think about it, and then, you know, it's the Jews-run entertainment, on top of you being white and male and straight,

you're Jewish. Yeah, but, you know, if you did an audit, you would find it's not as many Jews as you think it is. It's just the ones who are there are just, it feels like there. There are numerically, it's, you know. Yeah, it's very mixed. Aren't you married?

Aren't you married to a Jewish woman? I am to a Jew. I get to say a Jew because we're married. If you're just, if you're dating, you have to be like, this is my girlfriend. She's Jew-ish. And then you get married and you're like, what's for dinner, Jew? It feels good. It feels good.

I married in. You know, Paul McCartney's children are Jewish. Paul McCartney? Well, Linda Eastman was Jewish. I didn't know. Oh, okay. Have you heard James McCartney sing? He has a new album out.

I'm being serious. I don't know. He's Paul's son. He's Paul's son. And it's like, remember Julian Lennon? Julian Lennon was fantastic. You start to cry because it's like, and you look at, I'm pretty sure his name is James McCarthy.

But if you want a young Paul, you'll start crying hearing him sing. Really? Yeah, it's a beautiful voice. And he just knows how to write a catchy tune that isn't precious. You know, Paul McCartney writes, just writes songs. He just, you know, he's like, us with jokes. He just churns out songs. And if one of them is good, you just.

and the son either inherited. Anyway, not funny. Well, have you heard James Malloy sing? Who was James Malloy? He is one of the children that Michael Jackson molested. And he has the most beautiful. And I don't think he had that voice before the molestation. Really?

And his name is James Malloy? James Malloy. Was he a dancer too? Well, he wasn't until the molestation. And then that kid danced after that. Was he leaving Neverland? Yes. So was he the kid that Michael Jackson traveled with?

No, I made up the name. Oh, oh. Made up the whole concept. One of my sons went to school, middle school, with one of the kids molested by Michael Jackson. Was he voted most likely to win a major law? He was voted most likely to suck seed. Now, I came up with that joke 30 years ago, and Will Durs told me that, and I stopped doing it.

He said, that's an old joke. I go, really? I've never heard, you know, I used to, I don't mean to brag, but in high school I was voted most likely to suck the seed. And I think Will Durs just didn't want me to do the joke because we were, you know, I said, I don't mean to brag, but in high school, I was voted most likely to suck the joke. do the joke because he felt it was beneath me. So he told me it's an old, have you ever heard anybody say most like Seed? No, that's all you. Yeah, I think Will was protecting me.

Yeah. You don't want to be known as the guy who sucks seed. I think Will Durst was the West Coast version of Barry Crimmons. Yes, yes. They were the same guy. Right. They were there to make sure that you did not become a hack. They were the hack police.

Right. And the thing with Barry Crimmons would stand in the back of the room at Catcher Rising Star in Cambridge. And if you did something hacky, he would yell with a cigar in his hand. He would yell, hack. Right. Like in the middle of David Cross would be doing a set. And we did one thing that was a little bit hacky, he would yell at him. Right.

He was the best. The thing is you started in Boston. I started in San Francisco. And they, stage time, good stage time was hard to get. because there were gatekeepers, unlike anywhere else, maybe New York City. But I think Boston and San Francisco, you had people who, taste makers, who wouldn't allow you on stage if you were vulgar, racist. Or you sounded like another comedian.

Or you sounded like a derivative. Yeah. So I spent 12 years in San Francisco trying to please. the taste makers. And then I go to LA, and I'm looking at everybody who is selling out arenas, thinking, these guys couldn't get stage time in San Francisco or Boston. They wouldn't be allowed on stage. Yeah.

It was better off. Yeah. Right. I know. I still feel like I've never cared about any aspect of comedy as much as the respect of my peers. Or Tom Sawyer from Cobbs. Yes. Tom Sawyer, when I was starting out, he was like the Barry Crimmons.

He, Tom was, I knew him when he was a comic. And you wanted his approval. And the problem with Tom was he was right. And so you really had, it's like before you had an audition for Conan or Letterman, And like when you have to audition for Conan Letterman, that's looking in the mirror and finding out what exactly you have. It used to be that way. Not anymore. Now you can.

Right. But the big test was Robert Morton, whoever is in town. They're looking. And then you have to look in the mirror and go, what do I have? And but, and Tom Sawyer was that guy. Yeah. He could just. Yeah.

And he brought up a lot of people. like Jake Johansson, Jim Carrey, Paul a Poundstone. Yeah. And I was honored. When I got in at that club, that was one of the first clubs I headlined. And we became very close. And he continued. The great thing about Tom Sawers, he had rules, but you could break them, but you had to be, but if you're going to break his rules, the doors of the room had to come off.

Yeah, right, right, right. I'm sorry. I'm interrupting you. He also, one night, I was on stage and there was some hecklers. You know, that back pocket, there was like a little back pocket of the room that was by the door that went into the kitchen. And there was some real gangbangers sitting back there from Oakland. They were from Oakland. And they were yelling at me.

And then one of them stood up. And he started charging the stage. And Tom Sawyer, who was five foot six, fucking. stood in front of that guy and grabbed him and stopped him from coming on stage. I'll always remember that. Now, do you find, have you ever, or is this too touchy, have you ever been assaulted? On stage, yes. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was in Boston, I was only doing it for a few years. And I was at, ironically, Stitches Comedy Club. in Boston. You probably remember that club. I think somebody ended up getting killed. No, no, no. That's the other one. Go ahead. I'm sorry. So there was a Jewish singles night.

It was like a mixer that this kid from Harvard used to produce. And they would get all these girls would come in, Jewish girls and Jewish guys. And then they would go to a comedy show. And then afterwards they would have like a little mixer. And so this guy shows up. And he was an Israeli cab driver. And I remember his name was Simka. And so because that was the name of the village idiot in Woody Allen's movie Love and Death.

So I remember that that was his name. And so he sits up front and he starts, he's alone. And in his mind, he's going to a Jewish night and they are going to love him because he is a real Jew. He's from Israel. But, you know, these are all these rich Long Island girls from Boston University that want to, you know, hook up with a pre-med student. And so I'm on stage and he starts trying to, you know, stand out. So he's heckling me.

And I already was pretty good at dealing with hecklers early on. So I start shitting on him. He's coming at me. We go back and forth. I'm starting to get the upper hand. And then he looks at me and he goes, nothing more. Nothing more. And so I said, all right, Sipka, let me know when your friends get here.

and he just got up on stage, fist clenched, came at me. I had the microphone on my hand. It was one of those old, like, you know, 90s microphones with like the metal mesh on top, like a Game of Thrones weapon. And I cracked him across the forehead. Wow. And he was bleeding. And then he got me into a headlock and he did some crab m' gosh shit on me.

And he's like spinning me around the stage by my head. The bouncers are out front smoking a joint. so they're not there. And so the crowd is Boston, so the crowd stands up. And so I actually had two friends at the show that were at the bar, and they made their way on stage. They pulled Simka off of me,

and then the bouncers were there, and they threw them out. They didn't like press charges or get his name or whatever. And so they threw him out, and the show had stopped. And so then the club owner, this guy, Harry Conforty, says to me, they set the tables back up. They get everybody drinks.

And he goes, all right, Fitzsimmons. you got five minutes left. And they set me back up. And I walked on stage. Good for him. It was great. Best thing you could have done for me. So I walk on stage and I get a standing ovation because it's Boston and they'd rather

see a fist fight than a comedy show. And so they're cheering and they're cheering. And then they finally come down and I go, all right, who's next? Like I hadn't just gotten my ass kicked in front of 200 people. Wow. Yeah. I remember this. because I played a week later, the same Jewish mixer.

Really? And Simcha, Simcha, showed up, and I laid into him. And he called his mother a hewer and his sister a Heller. And he rushed the stage and he got into the Krav Maghra pose. And I went Simcha, look over there, a dollar. And that's all I needed to do. Oh, you just say, look over there, a dollar. And I just, I can tell you.

that joke because I'm a self-hating Jew. It's okay for me to tell that joke, but you at home can't know that joke because it perpetuates stereotypes. Yes. And I do feel like as an Irish person, I have perpetuated a lot of Irish stereotypes. I mean, just that story alone, like fighting a lot. Right. Drinking a lot. That's a good stereotype. Yeah, I guess so. I think Jews are always enamored by Irish guys that fight yes yeah we love italians yeah we want to look italian uh-huh we secretly love italians well dice clay right huh dice clay yeah who i am a fan of well he's jewish and he acts italian i know i think he uh when he was pissing everybody off yeah i i

he made me laugh, partly because he was pissing everybody off. Yeah. And it was an act. Right. And, and, you know, I said when he was, you know, when he was selling out Madison Square Garden, and this was, people don't realize that he was selling out Madison Square Garden. This was like the early 90s. I would watch the audience. And they were play acting.

And I maintained that you could take. the same audience and put them, you know, at the other cafe in San Francisco to see Paula Poundstone. And that they, well, I don't know, maybe not. But they would sort of be malleable and. Yeah, but under the right circumstance, they would, you know, if you're, if you acclimate them properly, you went to a dice clay to act like a Trump's. supporter. Right. You know, it's like, hey, we get to, you know, dress a certain way and act. It was a celebration of stupidity. Yeah, people have different aspects of their personalities, right, you know,

and they come out, like, I know when I hang out with my, I don't know why, but my college friends, we get very male. We get very, like, we say chicks and things that I would never say as an adult. But when I'm with them, I say chicks, you know? and you know I don't go to strip clubs anymore but like we would go to strip clubs when I was younger and and act like act like douchebags um but yeah you can't judge dice by his audience you have to you have to judge him by what he was doing on stage and that album he did was it was it called the night comedy died I don't I don't remember he did this thing where he had just done Madison Square Garden and

Rick Rubin was going to produce his next stand-up. The musical, Rick? Yeah. Have you seen his Hulu show with Paul McCartney? Oh, I heard it's amazing. It's amazing. Rick, I didn't know Rick Rubin. Rick Rubin, he's like Larry Charles, Rick Woodland.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He is like Larry Charles. Go ahead. Right. Sorry. So he, you know, he gets Dice and he wants to do it out, but he goes, we can't do, you just did Madison Square Garden. People saw that.

It was filmed. It was played. know it. Let's let's do something. You know, and Rick Rubin's always about drawing you out. He doesn't tell you what to do. He just says, let's find something. And Dice said, well, you know, really my home is danger fields. And I go on there late at night. So one night, they miced the room. And he showed up unannounced at like midnight. So there's about 30 people in the room. They've already seen, they've already seen 15 comics. Right. And Dice, walks in. These were not people that came to see

dice play. And he walks on stage and he does kind of new shit, but in a way that was so unapologetic. And as people are leaving, he's commenting on it. He's going, look

at you, honey. You've got to look on your face like you want to fucking suck a twat. You know, and I mean, he is laying into the crowd, but he's doing his act. And he's unflappable. It was a situation that would make any other comedian squirm and they captured it. And he bombed. I mean, he was bombing. It was an hour of clay bombing a week after he had done

Madison Square Garden. And can you get this album? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's streaming. It's on Spotify. I didn't know that Rick Rubin did that. And you have to say the people who still crap on dice, Rick Rubin, an argument could be made is our George Martin. I don't want to, you know, if he, if, if Rick Rubin saw something in Andrew Dice Clay, maybe some people should reevaluate his earlier work. Yeah. The funny thing about Dice Clay was he's indefensible. That's the whole point. It's like, no, you can't defend it.

That's why it's funny. And then we elected Trump. Well, who's the modern dice play? I mean, I feel like what's his name? Who's the good looking blonde guy? Me? Is that how you see yourself? I look in the mirror.

I see it. Yeah. That is a self-hating Jew. You see an Aryan. Yes, I do. Yeah. Jesselnick. Anthony Jettelna.

I love Jek. It's sort of like Clay in the same. It's totally indefensible, but somehow he doesn't draw a crowd that is misogynistic or is showing the misogynistic side of themselves. Right. Well, there's a compact and unsaid agreement that Jessel Nick makes with the audience, which is, I'm going to say horrible, horrible things. You know it's a lie. and it's oh and but it's going to be horrible

but you know none of it is true. Yeah. So that's the deal he makes with his audience. Right. He's great. Yeah. And he's really, there's been a lot of drama between him

and other comedians that would be the last. Well, he's a liberal. He's left his center, isn't he? Yeah. Yeah. And he's gone after he's, I agree with every criticism he's made. Or at least I haven't heard everything,

but, you know, I like Jesselnik. Do you go down that road at all? Do you ever attack other podcasters or comedians? No. No. If you were to, who would you go after? I think sometimes, I think when they were endorsing Trump, I got pissed off. The guys, there's a game that some of them play, and they learned it from Bill O'Reilly.

I have an open mind. I'm just trying to listen to both sides. And you're not. You're a closeted, right-wing, racist, homophobic, traumatic, tropic, deep. But you're pretending to listen to both sides. And that's what Fox News pretends to do. Yeah. And at the end, they go, I'm voting for Trump.

You know, no, you were always voting for Trump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had burning on your show, but you were always voting for Trump. So it's... Let me ask you this. I went to your website. Is it called the David Feldman Show? Right.

It hasn't been updated, I think, since... Well, it has your dates at the Trubidor. Yes. Which has been out of business for 15 years. I've been opening for, I'm at the troubadour opening for the Smothers Brothers. I hear John Lennon is coming to see us. So I went to your website and, you know, I perused. And one of the things I noticed was like I wondered like,

are David Feldman makes his living ostensibly? You still write for TV shows? Less and less. Less and less. So you're ostensibly making your living with this podcast. that you do if you want to call it a living i notice there's crates in the background so maybe you're you're halfway out the door um but i sell um secondhand adrenachrome i don't want to get into what's that adrenachrome i i don't want to get into it's life affirming and life giving and uh

if you it's for for q anonon people and it's i don't want to describe what it what you need to do in order to farm and harvest the adrenachrome. But that's how I make most of my money, selling adrenochrome to Hillary and Tom Hanks. And it's a Q&ON thing. You don't know what Adrenochrome is? I've never heard of that. Is it like baby's blood or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was what Q&N, people from Q&N said, the comet pizza. I'm not a funny story about this. Yes, please. And I have to tell you up front that it's funny because it's not funny. So I'm saying, can I tell you a funny story so you know to polite? We're backing into an unfunny bit.

So I have, I'm not going to mention any names. But I have an acquaintance who knew Jeffrey Epstein. Oh, I know who it is. I don't want to mention any name. Okay. So during, in 2016, 2016, let me bore everybody, the Russians hacked into Hillary and the DNC's database. They got all the emails and they decided that code for child trafficking was pizza.

Do you know about this? I mean, I know that that is the code for it. Yeah, I didn't know that's where it came from. Yeah. Podesta and Hillary Clinton and all the Democrats in 2016 were writing emails. How's the pizza in this town? How's the, you know, Hillary's going to Michigan. Can you recommend some good pizza?

And when that email, those emails got hacked, Q and on said, oh, pizza is code for young children. And the whole thing started where Tom Hanks, I mean, except for the fact that it's evil, it's genius, that they're trafficking young children in the basement of Comet Pizza in Washington. to D.C. Yeah. They're, they are skinning children wearing their skin and drinking their blood. So because of the life giving properties of adrenachrome, which is from I think Joseph Heller or such, it's, it was an idea of maybe Hunter Thompson came up with this idea that drinking adrenachrome as a joke from kids, babies.

will give you life-giving property. So that was the, that is the Q-Anon theory. That is what got Donald Trump elected. He was to come in and clean up the child sex trafficking ring. Right. Dark state, right? Yeah. Anytime there were all these.

So I have a friend who's obsessed with pizza, and he was great friends with Jeffrey Epstein. And when the Epstein files came out, there are emails back and forth where they're arguing over the best pizza place, like where you get good pizza in New York City. Yeah. And I'm thinking everybody who reads this thinks, he's. No, one of the lines was Jeffrey said, I know you're coming to town. We'll get you some great pizza. And I was like, oh, shit.

You know what I'm talking about, right? I know exactly he you're talking about. Yeah. And this guy is obsessed with pizza. Like whenever he's in town, we go get pizza. Yeah, yeah. And then we molest children. But it was.

So I'm never reading that ago. Anyway. Now, I love this. I love that three days ago, Melania came out and vigorously defended herself against charges that have yet to be lodged by anybody. Yeah. She's getting so far ahead of this story

that there isn't even a story yet, and it was three days ago. She's getting her arms around it like it's a four-year-old girl. We don't, we, we, the reason I can make jokes about that is I was molested. How old are you? 42, my father, and he touched my imaginary friend. He used to, at an imaginary friend, and my father used to crawl into bed with my imaginary

friend and whispered. Yeah, he said, don't say anything. And I would lie there while my father was molesting my imaginary friend. I go, what am I, chop liver? It's terrible. It's terrible. You know, I feel bad for in this world. there's a lot of products that people sell that, you know, have a stink on them.

But can you imagine being a chopped liver manufacturer salesperson? And all anybody ever says is, what am I chopped liver? Like, it's the worst thing in the world. And I love chop liver. Yeah. Oh, my God, some eggs on it, some crackers. Unbelievable. Yeah.

Remember the AIDS diet pill? Yes. There was an AIDS diet pill. It was an appetite suppressant called AIDS. Yes. Yeah. And then something spells a little differently came around, and it was a much stronger way to lose weight.

Oh, my God. The pounds just fell off. Fell off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was also a children's. I'm not making this up. You lived in L.A. There was a children's furniture store, and it was called Sid's furniture.

And they made cribs. And they made cribs. I'm not. I swear to God. I'm not making that up. Wow. Sid's furniture, children's furniture. Sid's sudden infant death syndrome.

Yes. I had not, when I was a baby, I had not so sudden. infant death syndrome. They kept my mother kept putting me face down on the pillow. It was not so sudden and the trial protective services came in. Remember Corona beer? Oh yeah. Yeah. Virus and people thought, are we going to have to change? Yeah. Our name. That's right. Do you remember my name, my last name isn't Feldman. My grandparents changed it during World War II. What was it originally?

Six million dead from the Holocaustowitz. And they said, you know, maybe six million dead from the Holocaustuits is... What are the odds? I know if they got the exact number. They got the exact number. And they said, let's change it to Feldman. But it was a beautiful name, six million dead from the Holocaustowitz. Yeah, yeah. Well, what about the police are 9-11? And that's what you dialed on that day in 2001. That one actually worked out really well.

You're right. Yeah. And what are the odds? Now, think about this. Lou Gehrig, right? Yeah. had A-L-S. And he played for the Yankees, and they were American Leaguers. A-L-S. And he had, and he died from a, what are the odds that Lou Gehrig would die from A-L-S and be an American leaguer? Right. Well, what about this?

What about Magic Johnson got AIDS? and he's still alive and his name is magic. So the Lugarig joke that I just did, what are the odds? Because everybody goes, what are the odds that Lou Gehrig would die from Luggerick's disease? So I used to do that in my act about the ALS

because it was to shit on people who did the Lou Gehrigert. So one of my first jokes, Jobs was writing for Dennis Miller, the show in HBO. And he, we, I had done his talk show, but we hadn't really met. He just, he hired me based on my packet. And so package or your packet? My, you know, the thing you submit into his mouth, my pack. Can you take a look at my, you had to put a writing packet and they yeah and he you know he would read it blindly he didn't care you know so so he i was lucky enough to uh get hired and now i still haven't met him but we're writing you know for the promos like jokes like a month before the show starts

and we haven't gone into the office and there was a terrible uh plane accident and i almost got fired giving him this stroke. I wrote, you know, a terrible plane accident. You know, every time there's a plane accident, they dig up the black box

and it's so depressing. You hear the pilots screaming for their mothers. I hate the hearing the audio of the pilots realizing they're going to die. If only they can make the black box out of the same material they make the fuselage of the plane so i get a call from the head writer going

i had to explain to dennis he was quickly reading your joke and he thought you were doing the why can't they make the plane out of the black pocket yeah right i said no no he goes he said i had to explain to dennis because he's you know he's reading a million joke You know, that wasn't the, that was a play on the, that joke, I, oh, that's hilarious. I hired because. Oh, my God. I can remember when I first started out, there was a few of us that, you know, kind of started me, Joe Rogan, Tom Cotter, Al Dusharm, we kind of all started at the same time.

And we would go and we would do these hell gigs. And if the crowd was really, really bad and we were together, we were. we would just start doing the hackiest jokes. We would do the black box joke. We would do, you know, I had this heckler the other days in the back of the room screaming, I fucked your mother.

Hey, I fucked your mother. It's like, dad, shut up. We had like literally 10 minutes of the hackiest jokes. Whoever went on first got to do most of them. And then if we forgot some, then the other guys would do those. You know, guy walks in late.

Can I get you anything? like a watch. Yeah. And those were some of the funest shows I've ever done in my life where you have absolutely no care for the audience at all. And you're just doing it for the other comedians. Yeah. Who was your crew when he first started?

Well, I started in San Francisco. So who did I start with? John Ross. Oh, sure. Larry Brown. Bubbles Brown. Jake Johansson, Stephen Pearl,

Jeremy Kramer. I mean, San Francisco, when I was... Jeremy Kramer, people don't know him, and he is one of the great comic minds the best. The best. Yeah. The best. I mean, Robin, it's one of the...

Robin would have a look on his face. David Williams. Yeah. Yeah. And when Jeremy performed because it's pure, Jeremy, there wasn't a cheap, isn't a cheap shot in his act. And Kevin Meena used to come to San Francisco. He was beloved in San Francisco. And I, and I apologize. I'm leaving out all my friends from San Francisco, who I, Milton Abel, Frank Prenzy, Tim Bedou. I mean, all. There's so many I started with. But Kevin Meaney and Will Ders, but Kevin Meena used to inspire me because he taught me that it's not about making an audience laugh. That laughter is an accidental byproduct of genius. And sometimes the audience gets it. Sometimes they don't.

But Kevin Maney gave me the courage to do what I thought was funny. And that's why I'm where I am right now in my mother's basement. He's dead. I'm paying into a mason jar. I haven't been outside for six years. Your website has been updated since. My website hasn't been. Carter administration.

No. I was thinking about Kevin Meany. I'm true to myself. I was thinking about Kevin Meaney because I turned 60 this week and Kevin died when he was 60. And he was my mentor. You know, I don't know if you know the story about me and NeNe, do you? No. Oh, so we grew up one town apart in New York in the suburbs of New York.

And he used to work at a golf club. My dad belonged to a golf club, and Kevin was a waiter at the club. What? You were a bow tie? He wore a bowtie and a red dinner jacket. That was his outfit. That's why he dressed like that. So he started out.

He was 14 years old, and he was scrubbing pots. And then he worked his way up to being a waiter once he turned like 17. And he used to perform for my father because my father was in radio in New York. And Kevin knew that. And Kevin wanted to be a comedian. And so he used to do, here we go, are you ready for the day? dessert specials. Tonight we got the New York cheesecake. Woo!

Cheesecake boats are coming. And he's done a whole cheesecake dance. And like, he just did routines all night. And so my father was friends with the guy that ran Catcher Rise and Star. And my father got Kevin on stage this first time. Rick Newman. And my father got him on stage the first time. And then, And then my father calls me up. I'm in college now and I'm starting to stand-up comedy. And he goes, do you remember that waiter from Noel Wood, the funny waiter named Kevin?

And I go, yeah, of course, Kevin. He was hilarious. Well, he's a comedian now and he's doing really, this is like in 1996. Wow. He's doing really great. You got to check him out. So sure enough, like I'm watching the Tonight Show and he comes on and Slays like, nobody has. ever slayed the way Kevin Meaney did.

It's called over to the couch. I know. Johnny's head is on the desk and he's pounding his fist. He's wiping his eye. It was like nothing anybody had seen before. I see that. And then about two months later, he's headlining

Catch a Rising Star in Boston. At this point, I think he was living in an L.A. or New York. And so I go out to the show. Kevin hasn't seen me since I was probably about 12 years old. And because I was the kid at the pool at the golf club going, Kevin, can you get me another coat? And so he walks off stage. I wait for the crowd to filter out. I remember Jay Sharbonneau was there.

And, uh, and I knew Jay. And so Kevin walks up and he sees me and he goes, Fitzsimmons. Like he recognized me. Wow. And so we hung out all night. And then he knew I was doing stand up. And he used to help me. I used to open for him on the rest. and then as I got older, we became very close friends. We were on the phone together constantly. I was in his wedding party. He was in my wedding party. And then he moves to L.A., meets a woman, starts dating her, and they realized she was my next door neighbor who used to babysit us while he was serving drinks to my parents at the golf club at night.

Wow. They fall in love, get married, have a kid. And yeah, is that crazy? Wow. Your father changed his life. Yes. Yeah. Your father?

You know, you're going to cry. This is true. And I actually have a high school term paper that I wrote about. So I, one summer, when I was in my teens, I wanted to get a job in Rockefeller Center. And you could sneak into Rockefeller Center. Yeah. But this was before. And so I wanted, I wanted to work in a newsroom.

So I just would go in and ask. And I remember your father spoke to me. And I swear to God, of all the people I met, and I did this for like off and on for like two weeks, I would sneak into Brockafelor Center and just try to ask, you know, can I, do you need an intern, I want to work in the newsroom. Your father was so sweet and so supportive and encouraging. And he said to me, just, you know, they're not going to hire you. You're too young.

But you got to stick with it. I like the fact that you're, you know, you're asking the mere, he said, the mere fact that you're just making the rounds and trying to become an intern in the newsroom means you're going to, that's the key to this. Just stick at it and just wait till you're older. And then he molested me. And then he molested me? Yeah, then he molest to me.

But right, but before that. That's so, dad. That's no. You know what? No, no. But I'm telling you, I have in my mother's attic next to the lampshades made out of human skin that she used to sew is a term paper that I wrote with your Bob Fitzsitt Simmons and just the greatest guy in the world. WNB. No kidding. And he had Cush and he said, you're too young, but, you know, hang in there. And most of success in life is, is, you know, wanting, something about wanting it and pursuing it

and not to give up. And I wrote a term paper for high school. Wow. And I, you know what? I should find it, but it will make you cry. I would love that. I think I must have told you that story. Yeah, you mentioned to me a long time ago. And I remember your dad, and it was one of those, I'm being serious. He was just, he just stuck with me, like the memory of him. Like, oh, they're, they're nice people in this world. And they're encouraging in this business. Like, I just, he was, you know, and then I found out what it was really like.

No, but he started as an intern. Really? Flavin and Fitch, way back when. Wow. And he just hung around. He hung around outside the station. And he basically said that he would do the traffic for them. And so he would get the traffic report from the other station that had a bigger budget to actually cover traffic.

And then he would play a helicopter noise in the background. He would call in the trade. He called himself Trevor Traffic. And he was an intern. And that's how he got on the air. Wow. Yeah. Well, great guy. Great guy. I didn't know that about Kevin, but it makes sense. Yeah.

And Kevin, it's just so weird to me because turning 60, I just specifically remembered that he had died at 60. And it was one of those things I thought about this week during my birthday is what that meant. First of all, my father died at 53. So like. Did he die at 53? Yeah, and his parents died in their 40s. So like, I feel like I'm on borrowed. time, you know, like, I mean, I'm in way better health than my father ever was. But your father died in a hail of bullets. It was a hail of bullets in Harlem. Yeah. He was going under the name Bumpy, I believe.

Right? He was bumpy. And it's amazing they got him. He was under my mother. He pulled my mother right on top of him. They still got him. That's a great way to die. Using your wife as a human shield.

But yeah, so I was thinking about that, you know, Kevin died at 60 and, you know, what a life he had and how there was, he was sort of like going through a transition at that point. He was getting, he was getting back into stand-up. He was finally writing new material. There was like, you just signed with a new agent. And, you know, it was just, it was such a try. Anyway, that's. Yeah, I don't. believe in death. I really don't. That's the great thing about being a comic. Yeah.

Is we don't do death. We do resurrection. We did it. Every day is Easter for a comedian. At least my act was Easter. Yeah. Because I would die on stage. And then it took about three days, but I'd get the audience back. Right. You'd rise. And it was a fucking miracle when you realized. Yeah. People just couldn't believe it. I don't do death. I don't think. think about death, I'm not going to die. And that's, to me, that's what comedy is, the denial of death. Yeah, I have. And the denial that I'm not talented.

Well, now, I really do think that, like, I have zero fear of death. If anything, like, I look forward to it. I just, I'm, you know, I don't. Well, it's your lucky day, my friend. Uber Eats also offers another service. Great. Yeah, that would be great. You got to, well, now you've got to go to Oregon.

No, I'm really not. Like, I feel like I did my job. My kids are raised. I mean, I'd feel my wife would have to be alone, but she'd do fine. But I get, I don't care. I really don't care if I live much longer. Really?

What do I have to prove? Are you being serious? No, I really don't care. I don't care. I don't love life. I'm not passionate. I don't wake up every day like, oh, it's another chance to prove myself. Like, I sort of feel like I figured out my place in the world.

I've got a really good life, but I'm not really feeling it. Like, I've created a really good life, amazing friends, great wife, good kids, make a decent living. But it could all end today. I'd be fine. I would be very, I get up every morning. I'm being serious. I get up every morning and I can't wait to take on the day. I mean that. I do mean that. I really do. Really? Yeah, I'm excited. What vision do you have of the day that's wonderful?

I look forward to doing my show. I like reading. the internet looking for stories to talk about trying to interpret I'm fascinated by the world so I look for I I feel blessed and I think every day is I tell that to the humans that I keep in a cage in my mother's basement every day is a gift every day is a gift think of no I'm filled with so much contempt and hatred for humanity that certain types of people that I don't want to die. I want to fight bad people. Yeah. Yeah.

So I can see that. That's fuel for you. I feel. You're a witness. You're bearing witness. No, I want to hurt bad people, bullies. Is there anyone you would kill? if you had an opportunity, you're not going to get convicted.

Nobody will know it was you. You with your bare hands, maybe a knife or a gun, can kill somebody. Are there people that would be on that list? No, I would like to beat somebody up. Right. I sometimes imagine when I'm working out, I sometimes imagine, you know, it's like if you could choose between sex with Natalie Portman or being at a traffic stop and pulling some young, good-looking 35-year-old guy in a Porsche out of the car because he's blasting music

and just looks like he's never been punched. And I'm told you get Natalie Portman for the night or you get to beat the shit out of that guy, I would choose to beat the shit out of it. Lee, poor men. No, I would... She looks like she's never been punched. No, we don't joke about... No, we don't.

We don't joke about hitting him. Because I used to be a woman. Yes. And I got hit. No, but I would probably... If I could beat up a guy... in front of his girlfriend and humiliate him. Yeah.

He's like a right wing Republican D-bag. You know, it like works in realist, something, you know. That would- Pick up truck. No, no, he would have to be pulling down a couple hundred thousand a year. Oh, okay. Yeah. White teeth, gray tan. Uh-huh.

Uh, asked me about my kids. kids you know my kids the number you know that guy that guy to beat him up and humiliate him in front of his wife and if he has kids and then you mean you want the kids in the car watch yeah now i'm now i'm getting excited and piss on him like johnny sack did remember johnny sack yeah that see that to me to be able to pee on a guy that you just beat up yeah yeah because i have trouble, ping. Well, and it would be that at the end, there'd be that long pause and then the shake with another stream. Yeah, yeah. Five seconds later, shake with another stream. Right. Because let's be honest, you or I alone with Natalie Portman, what are we really going to accomplish? You know,

it's, there's not going to be eight positions and 52 minutes of screaming. It's going to be a pump and dumb. It's going to be who cries first. Who's going to cry first? Me or her? Yeah, some people have simultaneous orgasms. This will be simultaneous crying. But you remember beating up a guy. Have you ever beaten up a guy? Oh, yeah, yeah, many times. I've never beaten up a guy. Well, I plan on my dreams. I've beaten up. I've fisted a couple of men. Sure. But that's not beating up a guy. Yeah. It doesn't make the same sound. No, it doesn't. But so you've beaten up a guy? Well, I used to play hockey.

I played ice hockey my whole life. So there was always a lot of fights. And then, oh, yeah, I was big on standing up for if I saw a woman being abused in any way, I jumped right in. I got a few of the, I was very fast. I could punch very fast. And what you learn is in fights, there's usually not more than a couple punches thrown in a fight. Once you get punched in the face, you don't want to fight anymore. So if you're the guy that gets in the first punch, you usually win.

Wow. And what does it feel like? I mean, when you hit somebody in the face, how does it feel, how does your fist feel? It hurts, and your wrist hurts. I remember once my wrist was sore for like a week after I punched somebody. So you had to switch hands. I switch hands, yes. Are you a left to?

writing i'm a writing i'm a righty hmm but i never hit my kids never once you hired somebody i hired i hired a i hired a guy and uh irish guy of course um you never hit your you never hit your kid right i kicked them you did but never hit them all right i would never ever ever isn't it amazing what percentage of americans still believe in spanking your child it's literally like 70% of Americans. Right. I have no urge. I have no urge.

I never have an urge to, to, uh, hit them. I, I did occasionally, uh, shoot them in the knee. I would, I would kneecap them. No, I would. The favorite thing about you is you will start a joke not knowing what the punchline is. I know. All I know is just say something horrible. Just start off self-righteous.

The key to my sense of humor is act self-righteous and then pull the rug underneath. But I was starting to say before, like, I looked at your website and I was like, all right, so David Feldman is supporting himself with this podcast. How does it work? Are there? You must have ads, right? I don't do advertising. Yeah. But they run ads on some of the platforms that I'm on.

And then you also do people donate to the show. But then I went to your site and you have people donating to St. Jude's and all these places. And then you go, or if you're done that, then you can donate to my show because they need the money more than I do. Yeah, I should probably change that. Yes. Fuck St. Jude's. St. Jude has so much fuck you. money. No, they're great.

St. Jude's is and the thing is they don't turn anybody away. But shouldn't they charge the ultra wealthy? I don't want to talk about sick kids and stuff. I just know St. Jude's.

It's pretty amazing stuff. It's hard for me because I am listener supported. Yeah. Although I do make, there are certain platforms where ads run. Yeah. But I don't have any say in that. But it's mostly listeners supported.

And my feeling is it's really tough to ask people. Most of my listeners are losers, poor, and really disgusting when you think about it. And to ask these pathetic humps for money, if they have to choose between me and St. Jude's, I really have no respect for these e-bags if they're going to get me money first. And so really, I mean, it's hard to ask people for money. But that, yeah, I am listener, mostly listener. Well, and you sell coffee mugs. And then I have a, so I have an.

apron a chef's apron that says i hope you're in the mood for diarrhea did you see that can you see it on my store i have i have this is so i try to do a those less sell like crazy it's and they do it now to piss me off because it's so offensive and i thought wouldn't it be funny to have a chef's apron like you know mom walks in and the chef's apron says i hope you're in the mood for diarrhea and she's serving food and people buy it to spite me. I've actually asked my listeners, go to my store, check it out. Don't buy the, I hope you're in the mood for diarrhea apron because it really hurts my feelings. And I can't take it down because I need the money. So I mean, if if I have to choose between you buying the I hope you're in the mood for

diarrhea apron and not buying anything by the diary but look at the other merch please and they and my audience hates me it's a mutual feeling and they they go you know what i'm gonna piss if i have to give him money i'm gonna buy the diarrhea apron that's like my number one or my number two actually there it is my number two what is diarrhea what oh yeah i guess it's like a number one and a half number one and a half Yeah. And then if you're good at first base is kissing and second base is feeling abreast and third base is manual stimulation. Right. And home is sex. What's anal? Playing for the Mets.

I don't know what that means. That was like, you know, if that were, if this was the 1970s, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that was so quick. I don't know what that joke meant. Maybe it's the dugout. Maybe the dugout is anal. And what is like if you're, if you're a lesbian, what are the bases?

Probably a different sport. Yeah. I would think it would be more like field hockey where there's yard lines that you go to. All right. Listen. We're not going to get to wrap this up. No. Yeah.

No. No. I don't get to talk to you. This is the only fun. I'll do your podcast. I don't have guests on my show anymore. No. Seriously.

What? I don't have guests. Oh, lucky you. I did the long time and it got to the point where the shows were six hours. And it was six hours of me talking to people. Yeah. And I at some point about four years ago, I just said, you know, why don't you talk? So I just talk on my show now. How long is it? The latest one is I talked for a while. I have it's called log oria, diarrhea of the mouth, speaking of diarrhea. Yeah. I can talk for long stretches of time. It's not interesting. And how many do, what do you do one a week?

I do three a week. I go live Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday at 6.05 p.m. Wow. on YouTube. And you'll talk for an hour or two? Easily an hour. Yeah. I mean, I prepare. I have notes and I ramble. Wow.

Yeah, it's pretty bad. Well, I did one last week. I did a solo show last week. And I really stressed myself out because I didn't think I'd have enough to cut. Because I don't do them that often. I do like three or four a year solo. And I'd love to because booking guests is very difficult. You know, you just never know if you're asking people.

But you're great. But you're great. I mean, you're the best at talk. Oh, thank you. You do, like, I don't want to stop. Yeah. I mean, this is like, you're like Natalie Portman. I got it from my dad.

Thanks, dad. Yeah. Family business. No. All right. Well, listen. Listen to the David Feldman show. I go live on YouTube and some other video platforms at 6.05 Eastern, Sunday night, Tuesday night, and Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

And then if you miss it, you can listen to it at YouTube. Yeah, it's just up there. Okay. And the day, just David Feldman show.com is the website. If you want to get links to all this stuff, you want to buy the opiolite diarrhea, apron, or any of the mugs. Or just get in touch with you. You can email David at the site. You can send him your thoughts.

And I come to your house. And I'll make love to your wife. Any family member. Any family member. That's what's amazing about you is you, any age. any sex. When the right money, you'll come over the house and just... No, no, hang, not any age.

Under the age of 18, I do it for free. No. See, this is... I'm kidding. I'm joking. I charge. No, I don't... This is...

No, I... But I will come... If they're above the age of 18... And the money's right. will allow you to pleasure me. And is there a maximum age? Preferably dead, because then there's less small talk. We can get right to work.

So if you have any loved ones, if you have somebody in a cage, grandma's in a cage, you have it. Yeah. Let me come in and we should have stopped when you said to stop. Now I'm, this is when this is. This is the bonus. This is the after party. This is the story of my car.

All right, David Feldman. Thank you very much. I love you. I really love you. Okay. We'll talk soon. Okay. Bye.