Fitzdog Radio - Drew Lynch - Episode 1110

Episode Date: September 17, 2025

We have the same agent, work the same clubs and are not tall. Hilarious comic Drew Lynch makes his 1st appearance on the show. Follow Drew Lynch on Instagram @thedrewlynch Watch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMe⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@GREGFITZSHOW⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@GREGFITZSIMMONS⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠FITZDOG.COM⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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for the tragic murder of Meredith Kircher and the relentless media storm that followed. The twisted tale of Amanda Knox is now streaming only on Disney Plus. Hi, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. My name is Greg Fitzsimmons.

Grew up on the East Coast. Now I'm on the West Coast, and it is September 60th as I record this, and it's 80 degrees. Went in the beach. Yeah, I went in the ocean. Here's the thing. I live exactly one mile from the ocean.

so yesterday i'm sitting in my little bonus room in the back i got a lazy boy i got a little lap pillow i put my laptop on it i got my bow speaker sitting over there i got my spin drift on a little side table and i write i take i wake up i have some breakfast i take a riddlein and then i go for i go get my 10 000 steps around the neighborhood i walk around venice by the time i get back the riddlin is kicked in and I'm ready to go but instead of getting in the lazy boy I said it's fucking 78 degrees let's go to the beach so I put my laptop and my spin drift in my bag with a towel some sunblock and I drove the three minutes it takes me to get to the beach paid nine walked onto the sand

empty. Not empty, but very few people on the beach. Tourism is down. People are boycotting the United States of America. So anyway, I get a nice spot. I set up my chair. Umbrella won't work because I forgot to bring that little screw thing that puts it in the sand. So I'm

laying out there. I'm pasty white, as you might notice, and I've got the spray sunblock all over me. I got my laptop out and I'm fucking working on this script. I'm developing this script for Bill Burr. And I'm working away.

And then I put my shit in the bag and I said to the people at the next blanket over, hey, do you mind keeping an eye on this? I'm going to jump in the water. I got a laptop in there. And they're from Europe. So they're not friendly. Anybody else to make a couple jokes?

Europe, yeah, we will watch bag. It is good. We will take turns. Power walking and doing calisthenics. So I go in the ocean and the waves were good. They were healthy. And I was doing some body surfing.

It was a low tide so I had to walk way the fuck out, like waste deep water out about 100 yards to get to where the waves were breaking. So I'm riding the waves. And all of a sudden this guy starts pointing to me and pointing at the beach and the lifeguard is out there with this red little foam contraption and he's waving me over

and waving me in and so now I I start coming in and it fucking takes me like 10 minutes to get in and the guy goes yeah you're there's a rip tide there's a rip current and

you know you're an older gentleman and you don't seem like a good swimmer and I'm like motherfucker are you fucking fucking kidding me? I'm not old. I'm in my 50s, you piece of shit. I've saved, this is not an exaggeration. I have saved two people on that beach in the last 25 years. I am a certified junior lifeguard, not a lifeguard, but I got the junior lifeguard degree. I fucking carried a dude who is drowning. I swam out to him. I got him in a cross chest carry. No lifeguards anywhere. I

fucking drag the guy in, I get him almost all the way in, and then all sudden, now the lifeguard sees us, comes screaming out, grabs my guy, my guy, and we were almost there, we were almost at safety, feet were on the sand, grabs my guy, brings him in, and everybody's cheering for the lifeguard. I get sucked back into the wave, and now I can't get out, because I'm fucking exhausted from carrying this guy. So anyway, that was, was one save and then the other save was my friend Evan were boogie boarding and he went there was a wave and we both went up on it and then I pulled back because I saw that it was closing out which means it goes straight down into the sand he didn't pull off when head first into the

sand came up unconscious I fucking grabbed him he came to he was going in and out of consciousness grabbed them I got the the buggy board underneath them waves are crashing into us no lifeguard where were these motherfuckers then So I'm dragging him in. I get him into the sand. Two saves. Two saves on that beach. And this motherfucker, I called him David Hasselhoff,

which I thought was kind of clever. Anyway, I go back to get my bags in the Europeans, and they're laughing at me. And, you know, as a skinny guy who's pasty white on the beach, I don't want to be laughed at. That's, I've kind of gotten over being self-conscious on the beach, but I didn't like it. Anyway, the guy I saved, his name is Evan Dunsky. He's a neighbor who I've known for 25 years, very dear friend.

He and his wife, Lisa, who's like the godmother of the, we have a neighborhood that is very close. Everybody knows each other. We do everything together. And she's like the godmother of the neighborhood. She's amazing. So they got this house up in Vermont, and we went up there last year for our 25th anniversary, and we had such a good time that we planned a trip, and a bunch of, like, literally my closest, Gibbons wasn't there, but other than that, it was like some of the closest people in the world to me were up there,

and we spent five days in Vermont, not a fucking drop of rain. It was high 70s the whole time. They've got this beautiful old farmhouse with like six bedrooms with the wraparound porch. And they are out in the middle and nowhere. Literally, all you see is forest and mountains in 360 degrees. You drive up a long driveway to get to their house. They got a pond. The pond, they dredged it last year.

So now it's big. It's like the size of like, I would say like one and a half high. rinks and it's beautiful and it's cool water because it's fed from two different streams and then they built a big deck on it and a sauna like a six-person sauna beautiful like Swedish fucking cedar wood so you go in the sauna for like 25 minutes it's 185 degrees you get out you dive straight into the cold pond you swim around for a little while people throw you balls you Catched him in the air, you know, like the dock is like a few feet up. And then you sit in these Adirondack chairs in the sunlight and you bake for like a half hour.

Then you do the whole thing all over again. And we basically spent five days doing mostly that. We did. I left the property once in five days and that was to get an ice cream cone in town. And then we were back within an hour. The Dunskys were there. Matt Malloy and his wife, Cass. Matt is an actor who you know from, he was in that show Paradise.

He was in election, as good as it gets. He's a big actor and been a dear friend. My wife went to college with him. And his wife, Cass, she's a first AD. She did all the mammots films. And I forget, she works for a bunch of big directors. Mary Fitzgerald, who's my friend who's a writer. She's written on Cougar Town.

and Blackish and Lucky Louie that I wrote on with her. I've known her since college. And so it's all these people I've known for 25 years. And my wife and Tom O'Neill, author of Chaos, came up. Who I've known for 30 years. And we just laughed. It was just constant laughter for five days. They had planned a menu.

It was all this incredible home-cooked meals with, you know, peach cobbler from the fucking tree in the front yard. The peaches were hanging off of it, blueberries off the tree, pancakes and running charades we played. There was a corn moon, which is the full moon closest to the autumnal equinox. And it's the corn moon because that's when the Algonquins would, they named it that because that's when the corn was ready. It's like the first full moon in September.

So we get a corn moon, which is all about gratitude. That's the idea of it. You're happy that the crops are done. And so we took a big thing of mushrooms and just stared at the moon and chilled, jumped in the pond. I mean, it was just fucking great. Watch the U.S. Open ate clam chowder. We went in the woods and just sleeping late. It gets cold.

It gets down to the 40s at night. And we were sleeping until 9, 10 o'clock, which I never do. And then we got lost. Me and Mary Fitz, Gerald, and Tom O'Neill, we went into the woods for a little hike, like Gilligan's Island. It was supposed to be a little tour, like a little short, maybe a 45-minute hike. So we're out there and we're walking and walk in and an hour goes by. like um where did we come from which way do we go because we thought we were making a circle

but uh and my my secret was i said keep the woods on your right and after a while mary's like you realize the woods are on the right and the left and so we are fucking lost and meanwhile there's poison ivy up to our knees in some spots and i'm wearing shorts tom's wearing shorts tom was going to wear fucking slippers that he got from Ross dress for less. We go put some fucking sneakers on. So we're walking through Poison Ivy. There's a bear shit that's the size of a fucking, of a gallon of milk sitting in the middle of the, there's bear tracks. And so we start to get a little nervous. We're like, all right, it's late afternoon. It's starting to cool down. Where would we sleep? We didn't bring any water, of course, or a granola bar. Nothing.

We're just alone in the wood. And we just keep walking. And we start finding side trails that we think are a shortcut. And we walk down steep hills, dead end, have to climb back up to steep hills. All of a sudden, two hours goes by, two and a half hours. And we, and Tom is, Tom is freaking out. He's blaming me and Mary. It is not our fault. All three of us made every decision. And so after a while, we were just, you know, three hours. And then we come up over a hill and we look up and there's a valley. And in the valley is this farmhouse. And we're like, fuck, if there's a farmhouse, there's a road.

We're like, yes, we're saved. So we walk down through like a cornfield and we get to the house and there's a big sign. Beware of dogs. And it looks like, it looks like a place. where people don't like outsiders, which is a lot of Vermont. There's a lot of leave me the fuck alone. And so we got to walk through the yard to get to the driveway.

And we are scared shit. And we get to the other side. We find the driveway. And we walk like a half a mile down this narrow driveway. And we're like, all right, we're going to get to a road. And then all of a sudden this fucking pickup truck comes pulling up the driveway. And it stops about 10 yards short of us. And somebody screams, get the fuck off my property.

And we're like, fuck. And we're hiding on the side. And then they pull up and it's Lisa. It's Lisa Donski, our friend in her pickup truck, which we didn't recognize. So we had to jump in the back. It turns out my wife, I don't know why, but my wife has Tom O'Neill on her GPS. You know how you can track people's phones. She follows Tom, which is a sordid journey.

If you're following Tom O'Neill through L.A., it's a sort of, so anyway, we get in the back of the pickup truck. Just ashamed. Everybody's laughing at us. And we get back and whatever. I took a long shower with a lot of soapy water to get the poison. I didn't get poison ivy on my legs. I have no fucking idea. But to this day, Tom O'Neill blames us.

He knows nothing about the woods. What else? Emmys were last night. Did you watch them? Mike Gibbons, my buddy Mike, was the head writer. Did a great job, a lot of funny bits. My favorite moment of the Emmys was, of course, when Elizabeth Banks, who I believe I kind of remember as an actress.

How did they pick these people? She gets up and she starts reciting her whole resume of what she's done in her career. It was weird. It was very awkward. And then she goes, she was doing the best director in a limited anthology series, which was pretty competitive this year. Anyway, she goes, well, this is a historic year. Five out of the six nominees are women. Big round of applause.

She makes a couple comments about finally and blah, blah, blah. And then she announces the winner. It's the guy. It's Philip Barantini. who did adolescence, which how did she not know he was going to win? It was by far the best thing on TV in years. It was amazing. And I fucking laughed so hard. My wife actually said it's not that funny. It was. It was that funny. It was Hollywood at its worst. It's the part of Hollywood that the other side just fucking hates um all right tour dates coming up denver comedy works this is one i look

forward to all year september 18 through 20 this weekend come on out it's one of the best clubs of the country i'll be in connecticut at mohegan sun comics september 26 27 fairbanks alaska i'm doing like four nights and i think two or three different venues so if you go to my website there's a link and you can see where I am each of those nights. Vegas at Brad Garrett's October 13 through 19. He stole the show at the Emmys also. He did a bit with Ray Romano that was fucking hilarious. Best buddies benefit at the Comedy Store in L.A.

That's October 30th. That's going to be a lot of big names. Get your tickets for that. Chicago, the Den Theater, November 8th. Then I'm coming to Skank Fest in New Orleans. San Francisco in December. Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey at Bananas, December, December, December 26, 27.

Fitzdog.com for all tickets and information. My guest today, I've got to tell you some, I'll be honest with you. My guest today, we've known each other barely. Like, we've got the same agent. We don't really work in town at the same club, so I just, I've had a bunch of five-minute chats with him, and I've always heard great things about him. I watch his stand-up. I think he's hilarious, but we just never, like, connected.

And I was a little nervous. I was like, what's this going to be like? I don't know this guy. And so he comes on, I got to tell you something. I had more fun on this podcast, and I've had in a long time. We just cracked each other up. We just were silly. I think you're going to love it.

He's a very successful guy. He was on America's Got Talent. I think he came in second. Does that mean anything? I think it does. He's a big draw on the road. It does very well. he's been on marron this is he just got his fifth stand-up special is out now the stuttering comedian

he's got a podcast called did i stutter and i think you're going to love this here is my hang with drew lynch My guest today is Drew Lynch, who is, you know, very fortunate in a lot of ways. Thanks. You know, you're not hard on the eyes. Thanks, Greg. Jeez. You're very funny.

I mean, okay. You're happily married. Okay, well, now, all right, what is this? Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Don't be that comic. All right.

You love your wife. I love her. Didn't she hold up to the sign at your new special at the beginning of the applause sign? Yeah, she did. She did. Isn't she beautiful? She's not hard on the eyes either. I know.

I'm very lucky. She's very tall. She's tall. She's got a rocking body. Rock and bad. What does she do? Personality is a four. No, she's a good person.

I think having a personality, if you could have, all right, let's quantify this. Love it. You can have a wife who is physically a nine personality in eight. Okay. Or physically an eight. personality is a tent. Oh, I'm taking that every time. Yeah.

And this is on a scale of 15. Yes. Yeah, I'm taking that for sure. Do you think it's less gay to have sex with a trans... What is it, transvestite or transsexual? Either way, it's cancelable, so go ahead. Trans is less or more gay than having sex with a gentleman. I think it's...

I've done both. I don't believe that. No, no, not at the same time. I'm not an animal. that would be good doing at the same time I'm like it's not gay yeah it's like salad and entree bring them at the same time

what steak salad are the same yeah I don't think so what's wrong with the try I'm a try like I think Santino says this it's bonus tits right

like it's bonus tits like you know you already have a you know you already have the parts going in and out and it's like all right well it's an extra what's a surprise in the front that's fun You're telling me you don't like surprises.

Frustrating. People who are transphobic, they just want things regimented. I think I would also, and I've never had a gay experience, but I would have. I certainly would have, at a certain point in my life, if it had presented itself to me, I would have absolutely, because I loved, you know, Iggy Pop and David Bowie and Mick Jagger. Oh, yeah. You know, all the great poets, Ginsburg and, you know, Emerson and Whitman. It was all gay.

Maya Angelou, yeah. You said poets, but I just went to, with poets. I think she's a poet. Is she a homosexual? I don't think so. So I don't think she belongs in this, in this at all. I was just trying to say, like, I've read a poem. Yeah.

Did you enjoy it? Yeah, it was, I mean, it wasn't even hers. That is insane. No. No, it was E.S. Eliot. T.S. Eliot. T.S. Eliot. Sorry. I know. Isn't that stupid that I messed up my favorite poet slash musical cats?

He wrote cats? Yeah, he wrote all the lyrics to it. No kidding. Yeah, yeah. My Angelou did the music. Okay. See, that's the thing about you is you get into the real downtown theater. Yeah, yeah.

Where, like, you know, where it's like it was written by, you know, by somebody who, you know, who's at a dinner. You know what I mean? Somebody who's like, yeah, and this person just wrote a musical. And you're like, you wrote a musical? And they're like, yeah. Right, right. Just like that. And the thing is, writing a musical is not difficult.

No. It's really not. It's not. It's the same format. It's the same, like, musically, it's very, Rogers and the Hammerstein. It took two of you? Yeah, you can't. Who did what?

Someone was like, la da da da da, and someone was like, da, two people. You just couldn't finish the melody. And the words are, and you came home today. Yeah. La. Now. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's right.

Let's get back to your gay experience, though. You were talking about how you might, you might, or you wouldn't want, you would have. I had a friend who was, first of all, I'm not, even though I started this interview by telling you that you were attractive. Yeah, sure. Let's forget that happened.

I already forgot it. I don't think you did. I think a man would hold on to that from another man. You're right, you're right, I've been thinking about it this whole time. It kind of changed your whole energy when I told you that. I know, I was kind of bummed to come do this. Yep, yeah. So that's kind of nice that way.

Yeah. And I know we've talked about stuff since then, but I just, I can't remember what it is. I know. It sort of sticks right in the frontal lobe. Right. It was something about, something about, something about, it was some, da, da, da, da, da.

That's it, it was the transvestite. Now when you, when I said frontal lobe, did that then take it to another level? I know, I just knew where to compartmentalize it. I went, I went to my, if you're like, hey, I need you to access. the left back cortex quadrant, I would say I'm in my analytical part of my brain, right, which actually you would need to locate what it is the thing. Isn't that funny? You kind of have to like,

oh, that's that part that's in control of keeping all the other parts in charge. That's why I probably have like tumors over there. I use it way too much. Do you use the rear part? Yeah, the rear part. Oh, yeah, and the brain. And, and, and, dude, Paul's already nodding off. Oh, my God, Paul. He has narcole epilepsy. Do not take that personally. He literally doesn't laugh at anything. Now that we've mentioned him, he's laughing. Yes.

So passive. It's passive and he's a people please or he's codependent. And then Amber will just, she has narcolepsy and what's the thing where you yell a lot? Female. Turets. Right, she's female. Female.

Torets, the female Tourette's. So we got to the cortex by saying something about, when I said, oh yeah, you said to the low. Yeah, I accessed it because you were able to tell me, can you access, you know, somewhere to find which frontal lobe in order to recall something else that we were talking about before. See, you use all different parts of your brain. It's really just the one.

I don't know much about any of the other parts. Yeah. I haven't ever felt like I needed to investigate. Right, right. Do you do well at school? Yeah, I did. I did. Honestly, but I'm not a dynamic thinker.

I'm not a very smart person. No. I just work hard. Yeah. And so like in school, it was very much like, this is how you have to learn this and you need to learn it. I was never a why. You know, I have friends who they didn't do well in school,

but they're so smart. You know, my brother's that way. He just, he's like, I don't understand the point. I already know, I know what it is. I just don't know why we're using it and learning it. And trying to apply it to a real life thing is, like, and how it would translate. I never even thought that far.

I was just like, I just know that this. This is what I have to do. And if I can get 10 out of the 10 questions, correct, great, I did my job, but I didn't retain any of that information. So when you took that information in, you weren't sort of like looking at it thematically or existentially. You were just, it was rote, regurgitation,

get the good grade, go to college, where? I didn't see. Jesus Christ. Yeah, well, I knocked out, here's the thing that's, I knocked out my first year of, college, here's how hard I worked. I knocked out my first year of college in high school. With AP classes. So then I was like, I'll take a year to just come to Los Angeles, California. And then I just never went to college. I was like, I'm, what was your GPA in high school?

Four point. It's going to sound douchey, but probably two or two, three. Really? Yeah. Damn. Yeah, like Asian people were sitting next to me when I was graduating. Right. Yeah, that's a good sign. Yeah. I had guys in jerseys. A lot of guys in sports jersey sitting next to me. Yeah. I mean, it's all the same.

It's all relative. No, it's not. The Asians are, you know. Yeah, I was just trying to, I don't know, I just felt bad that that was your experience. Do you feel inferior to people that have college degrees? I was just going to say yes before you even finish them. Yeah. Yeah, just all the time.

You do? Oh, yeah. If we're getting serious, yeah. So as it relates to comedy fits, and this is the longest conversation you and I have ever had so far. That is interesting. And counting. Yeah. Unless we're done. Are we done, Paul? Oh, God, so forced. All right. And so, yeah, honestly, in comedy. So I wasn't a, I wasn't a, I wasn't a, no, I mean, I didn't know much about the, about the improv or about, about, about, um, about. what's the other one?

Laugh Factory. Thank you. I started as a door guy at Flappers, never even wanting to do comedy in Burbank. Before you wanted to do comedy, you were a door guy? Yeah, yeah, I didn't even want to do comedy. No shit. Yeah, I moved out here when I was 18 to do acting. Remember the gap ear.

I was like, I'm going to act. I went to a theater performing art school. That's why I knew the T.S. Eliot thing. Sorry, we were just peeling back the curtain here. This is why I knew ES or T.S. Eliot, one of the two. The wasteland. Yeah. And so I did a bunch of theater-specific schools growing up, and then I came out here my first year to do acting, and I was like, comedy will be the perfect night job, just working at a comedy club. I'll have the days free to do auditions and all that stuff. And then just got into it after, you know, I couldn't get booked anywhere because I had an injury when I was really, really young, stuttered and didn't shut down the left side of my body, so I wasn't able to get hired anywhere as an actor anymore.

So when you watch the comedians, because I think there's two different sort of motivations for you against a stand-up comedy. One is you watch people that are so amazing that you're inspired and you say, I would, you know, someday maybe I could even like get on a, and then you've got people that you watch and you go like, I could do that. So which was it wet flappers for you? Man. Actually, I think it was just born from I have no other options. right so there's a third so there's a third yeah there's a third way so you didn't like watch jeff garland and say i i want to do that well hang on because that's a whole other bracket i only watch jeff garland yes um i have a jg tv now do you high deaf the premium channel do you seriously

yeah that's i mean i think he charges a lot but it's also like he's you know he's worth it um so uh but i don't like how they're repackaging television either it's like you could have just got, like, Jeff Garland, you could, was just on a channel that you just could, like, tune into. He was with all the other stuff, too. You got Seinfeld, you got friends, you got Garland. Yeah. And now it's just like they repackaged it.

It's just frustrating. And it's so niche and it's so like, and now they're running ads. So you will watch a curb episode, but then the commercials are all ones he's done in the past. I know. Good Year tires. Yeah. Wendy's. Yep.

Yep. It's when does it end? It's like Black Mirror becomes curb. Yeah. Or just mirror. I mean, I'm an ally. And so anyway, so I got into it because I just couldn't get hired anywhere in a comic that, the comics that were there. Like, I couldn't get hired anywhere as an actor.

So the comics that were there were like, hey, you should just go on stage, talk about your situation. And so the first mic that I ever did was there at Flappers, and I was stuttering very badly. I was very nervous to talk about just anything. And the jokes weren't good. It didn't go good. But it was the first time that I had felt in forever. Like I was just quietly understood by other people. They could understand that there was pain behind what it was that I was saying

and just trying to find what was funny about it. That's interesting. Because I think to some very smaller degree, most comedians feel that when they go on stage, they feel like so many comics have social anxiety. And then they go on stage and, you know, with any kind of phobias, you either run from it or you take it head on.

Yeah. Yeah, and that was just where I felt like there just wasn't any other option. I didn't want to not perform. I grew up my whole life performing. So it wasn't about like being in front of other people and the idea that they're judging me for the way I sound. And like, yeah, that sucks, but that's not going to stop me from still wanting to do it. I just, I love it so much.

So stand-up was like the next best thing. And it's also such a singular art form. You're in charge of the writing. You're in charge of how you perform it, how you want to revise it and edit it and then, you know, direct it, how it's perceived. Like, there's so much that you could just market it now, Amber. Jesus, Amber. Come on. Where's the fits? Send out my tweet.

Where is it? Where is it? There it is. Drew Lynch, currently on show, coming out soon. Send it. Touching the... That's 12 characters. Please don't change cameras when I'm working so hard to...

Thank you. Touching them. There you go. Wait, hang on, I'm trying to touch it here. That's good. That is the rear... I'm gonna make your F come. Sorry.

That's funny because my favorite comedian of all time. Tell me. Well, the person, people go, people go, Who inspired you to do stand-up comedy? Bob Newhart. Had a stutter. Yeah, yeah, he was, but Bob Newhart, like, I don't know. I'm not super familiar with what it is that he did, but I know that, like, I've heard

that he was just a very, like, endearing comic. I've heard, actually, people say that, that they were like, they were like, I see a lot of the same tendencies in your, and Bob Newhart as to you. And I've never seen a lot of his stuff. Oh, you should see him. He's so good. Does the documentary coming, is it out yet? Is it on garden?

Is it on garden? Is it on garden. I was making a documentary about him. Is it on Garland? It's, uh... If it's on, if it's on GTV, I'll, I think it is on JGTV. Um, but in the fall, you know how he always does a huge... I feel like too much stuff in the fall.

And it's like, we're not on the season system anymore. What are we doing? It's not the 90s. You could do it. Yeah, it's not the 90s. It's not, you know, friends must watch TV. It's Garland. You don't must watch it.

You want, it's want watch TV. Yeah. Yeah, if I can't say the R word anymore, you can't syndicate. That's right. Yeah. We have the same agent. I want to talk about that. Okay, yeah, we can do that too.

Valentine. Valentine. Yeah, he's great. I mean that, too. His name's not great. No, because there's a J in there. There's a J. And he's Dutch.

He's Dutch. And it's kind of, I mean, and he's... Well, he's a Rubian. Yeah, a Rubian. A Rubin? A rhubin? I love, dude, corn beef. Um, sourcrow.

Oh, a little, little mustard. Oh, I kind of do a lot of mustard. Some people overdo it on the sourcrow. It's frustrating. You need corned beef. There's no pastrami. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, but I have mixed it with a pastrami as well.

Right. Gotten a little, gotten a little silly, you know what I mean? Kind of combining heritage. If you, if you, if you breed too close to your own genetics, it's not going to, you know what I mean? You know what's going to happen. So you got to introduce a little strami to the corn beef, you know? Um. But I think he's Arab, he's Arab. He's Arab. He's Iranian.

No. Yeah. Which you can't be anymore, unfortunately. So I think he's just, oh, no, he is, he is, he's black, I think. You know who's black? Yeah. And this is going to shock you. It will. I already can kind of feel. I'm going to just prepared. Did you see adolescence? No, I know. You didn't see adolescents? No, if this is a concept or a show, I haven't seen it. And I also haven't seen my own either because I kind of blacked out for most of growing up. You didn't see your own what? Adolescence.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. All we have is some snapshots and they're fading. That's right. My dad's saying, you know, my dad's like, you know, you know, just yelling at the coach. The yelling at the coach for not putting me in because I'm not good. And then him yelling at me later because I'm not good. Cut out the middleman. Yeah, dude.

Isn't it funny when they yell at the coach? Yeah. Your kid sucks. Yeah. What do you want me to do? You want to, how selfish do you want to be right now? The whole team is doing well because he's over there. Right. Making sure everybody gets orange.

That's right. And you, and you know, you know. Yeah. Yeah, you do. Oh, no, you know. And then the obligatory, he made the all stars and everybody did. Yeah, but you were, you were not of that. I guess you are a lot younger than me. You were of that generation where everybody plays, right? Yeah, pretty much. How old are you? Oh, I'm 34. But also just at the cusp of it. really at the cusp of like like the hard like not everybody gets a trophy and then some and then

kind of going into everybody gets a trophy and I miss the times when everybody I didn't even get a trophy at the times when early times and I missed those times because that was at least that was clear it was an accountability you have you have something to work towards right get get better or develop or develop a personality or something else develop something else about yourself or or or end it all we have options there is not a enough people realizing. You got to do sports. Sports are really good for you.

Not if you suck at them, then it's really bad for your self-esteem. You feel small, you feel, no offense, Amber. You feel feminine. Oh, yeah. You know? Yeah, you do. Next thing you know, you're like thinking about your own period. Your own period.

No, I think it's good that you went into theater instead of sports. You could have been a wrestler. Thank you. And also, ow. No, wrestlers are kind of the ultimate athletes. I mean, really, it's a lot of stamina. It's the original sport, fighting another guy for something. Yeah, and to do it hard.

Yeah. You're just like, I just got to figure this out. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you do it hard, which means you really want to be on your back because you don't want to be on your stomach. Right. But that's where you get pinned.

Yeah, I know. I know, so it's like down for the count. And it's like you count to three, what's going to happen first? You know? Right, right. Yeah, I get that. But I don't know. I feel like coming over from, and I did sports for way too long.

Like, way long. Like, it was like, you're not good. Like, you need a new career. Like, we're going to try technical school. Like, whatever, like a new thing. So when the idea that you, like, theater or your personality or whatever, you know, Paul, do you mind? Jesus Christ, Paul. Like, literally, I hear him with his flag, flag him coming up into his back cortex.

I love this a G and flammit. It really. It's very Valentine, you know. It's Valentine. It's Germanic and Arabicic at the same time. Yeah, and I think he's white. He is white. Oh, so anyway, getting back to the black guy.

Yeah. It's going to shock you. Yeah. There's a guy on the show who was also in Peeky Blinders. Oh, not on this show, on the show that you're talking about. No, we do not. We do not. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying. Yeah, you don't even have to go ahead. That's why when you told me you were, I was like, well, this is new. Yeah. You know? Yeah. But this guy is his grandmother's Jamaican. And he said at the Emmys, did you watch the Emmys last night?

Absolutely not. No. Oh, don't be that guy. No, absolutely not. I wouldn't. I couldn't even, you couldn't pay me to. I mean, if I was not, no. No.

You don't want to see the Gray's Anatomy cast come out and sing? Wait, hang on. Are you telling me if I missed that, then I'm going to be actually pretty upset. And Garland came out. Garland came out. Literally the hits just like, when does it stop? It's like wrestling. It just keeps coming.

Yep. Okay, great. Well, that's cool that I miss that, I guess, and super frustrating. So are you that guy that just doesn't watch award shows? No, I actually. Not even ironically? I mean, it's totally ironic. I love Nate, and I love that he got to host.

That's cool. Yeah. I just, I don't know that, here's why. I don't know that I watch enough television to care about the, to, to, I, I just, oh, man, I wasn't prepared for this. No, what do you do at night if you're not up doing stand-up? I don't know. You in the rights don't watch TV? You watch sports.

Yeah, I do. I love football. Okay. I love football. So, so it's kind of actually. actually like football, just like football. It's like if somebody didn't watch the whole season, right, like Paul doesn't, and then all of a sudden he tunes into the Super Bowl, and then all the sudden like the, you know,

and then the Eagles win, and he's like, are you kidding me? And you're like, wait, you didn't watch the, so it's like, oh, no, you know, oh, another award for severance. And I'm like, oh, how did it not go to, um, JGTV, you know, so it's like, yeah, yeah, you know, it's like that. I know. Well, I feel like JGTV should have an Emmys, but Jeff is the only. only one nominated for each award.

I know, but he doesn't win. Isn't that wild? He doesn't win. Susie Aspen gets it every year. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he doesn't even host either.

And you're just like, when, I mean, why is it called? I mean, it's self-produced. So who's, yeah. I think they build anticipation. So you keep coming back thinking he's going to be on it. And if he does come on it, maybe you wouldn't watch next year. Dude, my favorite two things that I think that people should be building is anticipation on the wall. so but yeah I so no I didn't watch it but what happened

well the guy from adolescence one and he came up and he's like you he's about your height thanks man oh so this is why the wrestling thing yeah wrestling guys are all kind of like this you know everybody's all into like you're thick thanks um but everybody's into like jujitsu can I say that I didn't want to say just say hebridia yeah everybody's into hebrit hebrit hebriscus tea Everybody's into Hibiscus now. And it's like, dude, like, it's macho right now. Oh, good grief.

Don't even talk to me about that. Good grief. What are we in a Peanuts cartoon? Sorry. I've just been trying to, I don't know, I try to keep it clean for Amber and Paul over there, you know. How clean are you? They seem like wholesome folks. You know what?

I'm actually, Fitz, I'm glad you asked. I very rarely swear as much on stage now. I don't know. If I could find a cleverer way. to do it, I think there's, I think that's just whatever reason the new challenge, I don't know. And I also, I look so young,

I've got this kind of boyish sort of charm and, you know, just medium penis. And it's like, I don't need to be. Medium for someone your height or medium? No, no, medium for a regular dude. Really? Okay. So.

That's like when you see like a Mexican with a Honda Civic, but then he's got like the big fat tires on it. Yes, yes. Yes. or Iranian or per or a rubian or anything yeah yeah it doesn't have to be anybody can buy a Honda which I which I mean is kind of like frustrating yes and speaks to what's going on you know just politically but I think that like it if if I just I have that boyish kind of thing and when I'm

dropping like an F you know people are like whoa you know like just can he say can he say that can his yeah like is he supposed is he passed his bedtime like type right right so do you think your next special Nate Brigazzi could produce on Nate Land on YouTube? Is that anything like, like GTV, or is it different? It's, well, it's, uh, NBTV, and what it has is, uh, Nate instead of Jeff. So if you can wrap your head, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I mean, I don't know. It's like what, you know, what, are you going to leave corporate America for your, for your waiting job, you know?

Yeah. It's like, okay, yeah, it's a tip system and you don't have to tax, but at the same time, I've got tenure here. I've got seniority that I've built and the benefits are great and people treat me like crap and I have to be on Zooms where nobody's even talking to me. Yeah, but you can't wear flair, there's no shift meal. I know, I know, I know, I know.

I know I've gone back and forth, Jeff, Nate. Yeah. So, but I don't know, maybe. I think you should because he just put out, a couple people I know just put out specials with him. and they i mean you're doing very well your special is getting really good numbers it's on youtube and um you know if you go on nat land you'll get even more yeah i yeah i and that's what i've gotten that advice so so often is just stop trying to like be your own at stop advocating

for your own career and stop doing it on your own and do less content on on on your own platform and of you and and and and and do you more content that's somebody else on on on someone else's thing so it's like you know you should be like you should be chapelle lacey on on uh like bill burrs all things comedy that's what people say to me like i wish that you were not you on your platform right yeah and it's an elaborate way of saying that but i in a weird way i exactly understand what they're saying yeah i don't but the way you said it it felt like you were really building towards something I got you know what I like to build you know yeah yeah yeah anticipation you're all about

building walls building anticipation and sometimes structuring a joke in a way that leaves the person kind of going like okay why am I here yeah why why why why let's get back to Valentine we have the same age yeah we do I look at your tour dates because I'm gonna promote them at the end of the show and man I think we should do it now. Really? Like that way at the end of the show, we have to come up with something different. Okay. You're going to be at the Chucklehut in Green Bay in 2009. That's not good. That's all I could find online. Okay. Well, those are going to be scalped because that's not my website for sure. Oh. But Val books far out, though. So if he did do that, like, I know I probably agreed to that

at an earlier time. And I was like desperate. And I was like, oh, I got to, you know, just get something. well the thing is the green bay market you have to service it if you don't get back to those people once every 10 years yeah they forget you exist it's true and then all the sudden you know they're they're just lambo leap and yeah over to you know something sports related right right right and i you know we've talked about it i don't do i'm not good at sports despite how physically gifted i appear paul and do you go when you watch sports does that sort of like is that hard on you to think about how good they're are and how you're the opposite of them yeah I yeah but I I I'm kind of just like a radio guy you know just like kind of like your podcast and how for some reason you have cameras

even though it's just it's going to be on the radio right kind of kind of silly I love that like these aren't even real monitors that Amber and Paul are looking at mind they just they say the words type type type that's right right yeah it's not real I think is that an abacus I've never seen anything like the stuff they have over there. And then Paul will pump his fist and you realize that he's playing Grand Theft Auto. Oh, that's so funny. You've got to be careful with this pumping, Paul. It's got different meanings, okay?

Yeah. But I mean, you know, I wouldn't go open Palm either. So, you know, yeah, I would say I used to watch, but then exactly for the reasons that you're stating, I don't, I want to, I just, I'm a listener. like it's like Eisenhower like he listen to sports on the radio yeah I mean for the purposes for the purposes of this bit that we're doing yeah um and Eisenhower like when he would make announcements people you know you know get on in here pap pap come on right you know meet me meow or whatever people call their relatives nowadays you know

it's never grandma and grandpa yeah so get on in here you know and like Eisen you know Dwight you know D D money's going drop in another right and so then you'd crank up a thing And then it's like, oh, that's not the volume. It's the other, it's the other module. And you're like, oh, I realize I'm changing the station trying to find the, trying to find Dwight's own channel that he's already on, which we always know, because we love his announcements coming in about, you know, the war. Yeah, you're like, where do I, you know, am I going to the cellar or am I up above ground tonight?

And so then you're cranking the wrong not module here, the wrong knob. Yeah, yeah. You know, so it's kind of, I just, I miss those days. And, of course, I wasn't alive back then, but I just have story. from Pip Pip and Chow Meow. Miao, about sitting around the radio on the floor. Sitting around it, sitting on it. You know, things were stable back then.

You could literally put a kid on there for a school photo and one of those. Right, right. And you would have the neighbors, it would be a snowy night and there'd be a candle in the window and you could see your neighbors with their noses pressed against the glass listening to Eisenhower talk about whether or not the Nazi, You know, the Nazi, are they that bad?

Yeah. Do we need to do this? Yeah. And to the Nazis, to their credit, it was, I mean, Dwight made a lot of announcements. And it was just kind of like, all right, like, okay, like, all right, you know. Like, I have to work. He was like the Jeff Garland of the 50s. Without question.

People say that a lot. Without question. Are you guys recording yet, Amber? No. I would say we should get started. Do you want to ask me anything about myself or whatever? I want to ask you about Valentine's Sluat. Okay.

Oh, you said his last name too. Do you want to know something? It's actually Sloat. That's how they pronounce it in Amsterdam. Really? Yeah, because he's Amsterdam. What is it? Paul.

First time he said something all the thing, and he jumps in to correct me. Totally okay with us just fly in different races and heritages. He's just like, I'm cool with it. Right. No. Oh, Conan had Andy Richter, Carson had, you know, Ed McMahon. I got Paul.

Even the name. No last name. He has to have a last name. Paul. Yeah. What's the, what's the guy, the Paul guy, the Paul who played Schaefer? Yes, even that guy had a last name. He had a last name. Cool thing about him.

Cool little gap in his tooth. And you're like, I don't know his name, but I think that that's kind of funny. I got the gap. I used to have it. I used to have it. Did you? Yeah, I did. I got Enviseline, which.

Once you find it, you can't have to feel around for it, but once you get it in. Wait a minute. Yeah. At what age did you do that? 2019. What? So how old am I? But here's the thing about comedians.

Don't you want something, like, this is one of the few things I have going with for me that's not perfect. And I feel like in a way, it's what gives me detraction. But I, and actually the fact that you put it to words is really what's interesting. because there's something so unlikable when you're on stage, and then when I see that you're gapped, I'm like, he's just a, he's a regular guy. He's just a guy.

Yeah, yeah. He's just a guy, but so it's sloat. Right, slote. Sloat. So we work, because I look at your calendar, and I see these rooms that I work, and I think, and then I look at your calendar, and you're in the same rooms. At the same time.

At the same time, and you even think, like, is there even an airport? to this quote unquote city that I'm performing in. Oh, yeah. It's, yeah, and he doesn't, he doesn't care. He'll put me in New York, and then the next night, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm still in New York. He doesn't care. Yeah.

You know, he'll be like, go to New York and just be in New York. And I'm like, the city? He's like, oh, there's a northern part. You have no idea how big the state of New York is. You think the city's big. The state is big. Yep, yeah. You know?

And it's not like, it's not like Tokyo in Japan, where the whole. whole, the whole country is basically Tokyo. It's, it is a different part. Right, right. You know? And so he'll be like, go to New York and then just be there for like two days. And I'm like, oh my God, I just, okay, Rochester doesn't, they don't have avocado.

Yes. Like, avocado hasn't hit Rochester yet. No. So you and I talk, I mean, so sun dried tomatoes, not a 20, 20, I'll be in Green Bay in 2029 when sun dried tomatoes reaches. Well, the tomatoes are dried, but they're not sun dried. They're just really old oh okay so like so so like tomatoes that vow probably got me this year yeah will be

will be dried or very often look like sun dried when i'm in green day they're tomatoes that the audience threw at you because the gig he booked was so bad yeah and then they dry on you yeah and then there's no food in that town because it's a food desert so you have to eat the pieces of tomato yeah yeah i know do you think like do you think that the accountability system of throwing like produce and stuff like that is really kind of contributed to the to the weakness of what comedy has become i say that again and again the stakes are not high enough in comedy anymore the barrier of entry does not exist anybody can set up a camera or three and pretend they're a comedian yeah and i think i got to go back to the original comedians yeah the very first

comedians and your and your previous special you came out as a king right the first comedy job was the court jester and those were stakes if you wanted to be a comedian you could get the king's approval and get like all the ham bones you want and if you bomb what happens you're dead you die you die yeah so in another way even even the comics who came up where you could throw stuff at him still weak. Yeah. We've devolved. Yes.

We've devolved from having kings and jesters and the, and the jester just, you know, just hanging by the feast table, just hoping, you know, maybe some sort of sly minks will find her way saunter over and be like, ah, I really loved when you, you talked about the king in a way that, like, only you could say, I have those same feelings about him, but I, you know, we can't because, you know, we're the people and we're suppressed. So, you know, you just, you hope that that same thing. kind of happens to you as a comedian of course I'm married and I would never but I just you know it's just the point is things have really just devolved yes yes and gotten gotten gotten weaker I think that

you know comedians today even the audiences in some of these rooms like I go to like once in a while they'll ask me to do a show in like Las Files or Santa Monica and I'll be like all right it's Tuesday night I'll go do it and then I go and I'm watching the comedian ahead of me and it's some person I can't tell their race I can't tell their gender right I can't judge them on any level the way it's supposed to be and then they go up and they talk about nothing yeah like literally just talk but in a way that's very laid back and hey we're all just hanging out no punch lines no punch lines and the crowd is looking at them like this yeah and And they're clapping and then I go up there

and I feel like fucking Bill Maher. I feel like this entitled, misogynate, and I'm not, but compared to the person that went on ahead of me, they can't handle any aggression. No, no, or they can't handle the idea that you actually found the best way to say something and it's actually tried and tested And it's so funny.

In fact, I have a whole list of just references from earlier even that night, comic shows, audiences who were like, we're laughing, we're laughing, we don't want to kill him or throw anything at him. And you take that over to East. You take it East. All you do is you just,

you spend a little time swerving down the 10 and you find your way using a punchline like an idiot. Yep. Yeah, like you're bringing a gun to a knife fight. Yeah, yeah. or like you're like you're not like you are bringing um just like a bow and arrow i think there's another one too that i want to come up with right now like a bow and arrow you're bringing an eight ball to uh school play yes yeah like how yeah my dad my dad he had to get through like so much

when i was growing up and this was just the last thing that you you know but i i just so like i think that when you when you just yeah and i watch it and it's just like okay so everything's just okay and I grew up with a family who if you didn't perform in a way that met expectations not just literally perform but just and in any way there were consequences yeah and by that I mean it was just kind of quiet judgment and resentment for most of my life I still got to eat fine you know grew up in a cul-de-sac it was a neighborhood where a bunch of you know we trusted the teenagers in the area you know you look you do this to a window and you're like that's okay you know You do that, and you're like, what's, that's okay.

You know, that's where I kind of... What town was this? This was in, it's Las Vegas, and it's in Nevada, but it's very close to the border of California and Nevada. Really? Yeah, it's really close to it. And you actually, this is fun too. This is kind of funny. If you ever, you have to look it up, but if you ever drive from here to Las Vegas is what it's called.

Oh, very cool. Yeah. All right. So, this would be cool. So if you drive from here, wherever we are right now, and you go west to east. So, well, not, I mean, I would say try to go around Los Velas and Echo Park and all that area and Silver Lake. But if you can, go east to Vegas. And when you drive, you'll actually come up on these, you'll see lights from a hotel, okay, and you'll see lights from another hotel.

And people talk about with Las Vegas, one of the big things they talk about is lights. And there's a thing, things that are called casinos, and people, people donate money. And, um, and, and Italians, is it like a fundraiser for Italians? It's, it's a fundraiser for just the city and just, and for, and for drugs and sex. Oh, I say. Drugs and sex and booze and sin. And you donate to that cause. Yeah.

Yeah. It's just a lot of sin. And actually, I mean, sometimes I've, I've never said this out loud, but like sometimes I feel like, when i'm driving there i'm like it's like it's a city of sin you know it's what i'll say um i don't know and and that sounds that sounds that doesn't sound right but it that's how i say it city of yeah city of city city a town of a town of tithes a town of tithes the ten commandments are all broken in this municipality yeah stuff like that so you they would have the ten commandments posted but then they're each crossed out yeah and and so you need to

You need to be able to pay a guy to cross them out. And so that's where all the donations go to. So when you're driving up towards that area, there are lights that you think is actually Las Vegas, L-A-S-V-E-G-A-S, Las Vegas, two words. And it's not actually Las Vegas. So you actually have to continue. A common mistake, people stop there. And they're like, I'm having so much fun.

You know, my aunt's in a wheelchair. and everything's accessible, and that's really cool. So, wait, so as soon as it says, welcome to Las Vegas, isn't there a casino right there? It's got a little roller coaster? Yeah, but there's a part before that. You're before that? Before that is where you can drive to. So you're on the outskirts of the outskirts.

You are. Yeah, so it's not quite the, you're not in like the city of sin just yet, you know? You're in like the, you're in like the, you're in like the. river of of temptation you know kind of like kind of like that it's it's all it's all very biblical out what's the how old were you when he went to a vegas strip club for the first time honestly you know i've never left but but but uh oh actually you know what the first time i actually went was when i was doing a is that why you were humming panama when he came in here from van allen yeah yeah yeah i yeah i yes i i'm i'm i'm i'm older yeah yeah yeah i'm i'm i'm older yeah

And so I actually went to a strip club for a scavenger hunt when I was in, for my senior year, this was really cool for a friend's birthday party all around the city of Las Vegas, it's a city. And all around that city, they hid like different clues that you would, and we would drive to go to these businesses and collect the clues that would lead to the next clue. And one of the clues was at a strip club. And my team lost because that was the first time I was at a strip club. and we spent, you know, there was quite a bit, you know, I don't quite remember much about the scavenger hunt after that

or that it would ever even matter anymore. Nothing matters once you get to the strip club. Nothing else, your marriage, your children, your genital health, like nothing. It all becomes secondary. Yeah, yeah, and genital help. People talk about genital wealth all the time, but they're not talking enough about their genital health. You got to really get down to what's, what's going.

going on, what makes it go, what makes it stop, you know, which setting are you on? It's like one of those universal fountains sometimes where it's like, well, it can do water, but the same machine can also do Pepsi. Yeah, and ice cubes, you know, like a fridge does that sometimes. And so sometimes you're like, wait,

am I still getting a little bit of water in my Sprite? And it's like, no, like you can actually, like it's from the same spout. And it's just, it somehow is able to stop enough and still start a whole other thing, but down the same tube. It's a tube. It's fascinating.

Have you ever had a venereal disease? No. No. Actually, I haven't. I haven't. I mean, I've never been tested, and I'm, you know, I don't use the things that go over it. But I've, but not to my knowledge, no. Have you?

And I've kind of developed a cough, but no. How many sexual partners have you had in your life? That's a great question. Take a drink of water. Think about it. Tap your fingers. One, two, one, two, one, two. One, two.

Have you really? Two women? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, that's the women. Yeah. Is it a half? Would you say three and a half would mean a trans person? 41.

Would you say what? Oh, that was cool. Paul, did you hear that? Amber, do you mind cutting that out, please? I didn't mean for the... Oh, okay. Wow. She really dug in on that one.

By the time I'd take a stand. Paul comes in to correct me on whatever he said before, and then Amber's like, no, your burp's authentic and it's going to stay. Right. Even though it wasn't one that I was, I agreed to have happen. I farted like seven minutes ago. I didn't say a word, but it'll be on the podcast. Really?

This thing, see, the bottom actually is where the mic is. Oh. Most people, the sound recording is up top. This one's down there. Oh, that one was. That one was better. He almost vomited on that. I know, the second one kind of wanted me to vomit, too.

You were talking for a while, and then I don't know if that happens. So, but once, so, uh, just, it was a few. I would say a few. You've only slept with a, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm more of like, I'm with you. I'm with you for a while. And then you get to know me, then you get to resent me. Yeah.

You learn my tendencies, my conditions, my fears. What do they resent about you? The fact that I, um, I'm, it's kind of like, you with your teeth it's like it's too it's just too perfect then they feel like they've got to get up before you do their hair yep yep prep a good meal yeah it's really that the standards for being with me is just is just so high yes it's like it's like it's like it's like the AP classes of dating right right right right I got to do why you're telling me I have to do the class in addition to the

class like how am I doing so much like you're on JV and then the varsity coach says you know Schneider's injured which is obviously made up name because the Jewish kids never make varsity but say Jones is out yeah oh there you go I could buy that up yeah dude totally threw me out of the story because I was like um but but but yeah it's exactly like that when the coach is like get in the shower and you know and it's just you and me yeah I get that yes did that really happen to you no no no no no my school is a theater school we didn't have showers um so um but um but um Yeah, I, so yeah, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, have you, have you, have you ever done anything sexually?

I slept with over a hundred women. Oh, that's good. What about, what about sex? Well, they were sleeping, that's gross. Oh, yeah. But I just mean, like, is there a separate, not, not, not, not, I mean, I'm not, you know, not like they were sleeping you. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm saying, is there a separate group that was just like, I just want a sex. Um, am I saying that right? Is that how you say that? I just want a sex. Are you an abortion? Yeah, like that, like how he would say it. Yeah, I just want to sex with my sister. I just want to sex.

Why are bored at you and me, like literally. Yeah. It's the same. I want to sex right now. My sister. I want to have sex with my sister. She is number two prostitute. Oh, and sometimes like you don't even do the accent.

Yeah. I want to have sex with my sister. Did you have a sister? Yeah. Did any of your friends ever date her? Yeah, no, no, no, no, my friends. My sister's younger and she's also Lesb. So that's her nickname, but she's also super gay.

She's super gay. How old was she when she became gay? It happens later in life, and sometimes it's earlier. For her, you know, just 23, 22. Post-college. Yeah, once your brain, fully develops and you know then all the sudden the it's like I got to come up with something else you know and so it's like maybe I'll try this right and just commit to

it and you know and then and so far she has and she has and she has a wife and her wife is gay as well wait what a coincidence wait her wife is gay and she's married to her yeah that's so weird yeah they cut they both know and they knew after they were married like they were married and then one and then they told and then they told each other they did yeah i mean i was there was it like was it like one of those things you take the balloon and you pop it and either pink or blue comes out it's yeah i don't know what the what are those called again gender reveal is that what's a what's a what is it i what's a like if you have i don't know what gender is i don't i don't know what that is well if you're

going to have a party and like people are going to come over for your uh christening yeah christening no what comes before that a pre you're the umbil when you cut the umbilk when you cut the umbilk when you No, way before that. When one of the women becomes pregnant. A baby shower. Oh, got you. Baby shower. You have a balloon and you say, we're going to announce if it's a boy or a girl.

Oh, yeah. And then you pop the balloon. It's either got pink confetti or blue confetti depending on the gender. And then my neighbors had me over the last weekend for this. They popped the balloon and it's empty. And I go, what the fuck? And they go, oh, we had an abortion. That is such the right call.

And I thought, no wonder they could afford the good champagne. Yeah, yeah, and the big balloons, because the ones, you know, you don't want to do the ones where you have to do this before you blow them up. You want to just go, and all of a sudden your balloon is there and your baby isn't. Yes. And it's not even a human life. And also, I don't believe in gender, you know. I don't believe in biology. I believe in gender.

I just don't believe in biology. Yes. So, and I've said this to my sister and all of her gay trans and straight friends. I've told them all, you know. And I've said, listen, the deal is this, guys, I don't care if you think you're lesbians. Gender's not real to me. Right. You know, I accept everyone for who they are unless it's something that's different than me, you know?

Well, I find that if it's different than me, I just feel like, all right, you want me to understand this. Yeah. But I don't. I don't. I don't understand it. I don't get it. Yeah. And I, and I, frankly, I don't, I don't really want to spend, it's just, I would, I really want to, but I also don't because to spend the time.

It's so much time. It's like, what am I an actor? Right. What am I an actor? For a role of a guy who doesn't care. I can't, I, I'm preparing for, I am, yeah, I'm doing the Borat voice again. Okay, you have problems, you know, and I'm imagining right now as them shopping, sometimes is difficult in different neighborhood, you know. Yes.

Just like that. And it's like, and then that's a. fun voice to do but i don't i can't relate because my my life is my is me you know i'm just living me and i don't and i just want to i just would like it's a good life oh oh oh good life don't you greg you're married we could talk about it sometime right now but like well that's your podcasts are you talk about it right now i just i mean i saw that it was radio so i didn't know if it was okay are you teasing the next episode of fitzdog radio i'm trying to kind of finagle my way into another another time here.

Yes, yes. But I want to come back as a producer, and I have a feeling that one of these guys is kind of on the outs. But, yeah, yeah. Now you have a podcast. It's called, do I stutter? Yeah, well, did. Did I stutter?

Like, you know, when people say something, and then they're like, you know, and then you're like, and then you try to refute it, and then they double down, which is where somebody commits to something that they say. I've never done it. I have issues. Yeah.

So, but you, if I've, you know, they try the version of commitment where they go, they say, well, did I stutter? Yeah. You know? Yeah. And I think, I always think that that's kind of cool when people, when people just unapologetically are themselves. And it actually makes me uncomfortable if it's different than who I am and me. But I kind of still, I can respect it as a concept for sure. Well, I think that's sort of the new world language now is just complete and utter confidence in what

whatever you're saying. Yeah. That's what most social media is. Just a guy who's, I don't know, 21 explaining to me, my retirement policy, and how I don't get it. Let me explain it to you. And his defense, I really don't think you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I know who you're talking about. Yeah. I follow, I follow him for all of his posts. Then he talked to me about my prostate, and I was like, dude, you know? I know. That's how I was able to explain the Sprite water thing. Because I have such a healthy, healthy, full, robust prostate. And genital health.

Yeah. You know. So, you know, and I think when you have genital health, you have genital wealth. Yes. Oh, that's good. You know? You should sell this T-shirts after your shell. Well, I would, but they're all sold.

And you, I mean, they're flying off the shelves. Like, like, oh, flying off the shelves. Like COVID tests in 2020. Yeah, yeah, whatever the breakfast item is. If we can be serious for a second, you sell hooded sweatshirts on your website and they're $70. Okay. Can you explain that on some level? Yeah, sure.

I think that... Is it baby skin or what's it made of? Well, I don't know because the manufacturer is in a... warehouse that also does narcotics oh I see in South America and I did it initially to just be like oh they're they already have an infrastructure here and everything's cash right and and and so it has to be so high because that that I'm actually not getting any I mean a lot of that money a lot of it is going to you know keeping stuff going down down south well shelf space in a Coke factory yeah

where literally a mound is probably worth $20,000. And now if you've got a sweatshirt, which normally a reasonable person would sell for $30, now that you have to upsell that a little bit, right? That's exactly right. Yeah. It's exactly right.

Do you bring those to your shows and sell them? No. No, no, I leave them on the website. Oh, I see. So if you're at home. Are these made to order, or do you have like a pile No, no, it's just, no, no, it's white hoodies. Yeah.

And we send you the stencil. Oh, I see. Yeah. And then you can put in. And there's a little baggy as well. Yeah. And a lot of people, it's the same one that they use for the buttons, for the spare buttons for like a button down. Yeah.

But it's not buttons. Or the cocaine, the same bag. I mean, yeah, I mean, I kind of felt like that that was what I was trying to say without implicating myself. But yeah. Got it. So, anyway. Well, there's a couple of questions. questions I want to ask you. Don't check. What are you checking the time?

Sorry. No, it wasn't. I wasn't. There's a calculator app that has a colon in the middle. And we're talking about genital health, and you're checking on your colon. You have genital health. You have genital wealth fits. Put it on the stencil. That's it. Let me ask you this. You've got this new special. It's called The Stuttering Comedian. I wouldn't. I wouldn't watch it. But people should watch it. It's outstanding. It's very funny. You don't, you haven't seen it, but you've heard?

I've heard really good things. But you haven't, yeah. Yeah, well, thanks. I appreciate that. You know, in- You shot it at the Den Theater in Chicago. I did. Absolutely one of my favorite places in the world to perform.

It is a good, it is a good spot. Yeah. And the way that they actually dressed the set, like dressed it. Dressed, am I saying it right? Dressed. Yeah. The way they dressed it was actually very beautiful. It looked great.

Thank you. I wanted to create an environment where it was like this circus freak type side show thing, because for so long, so many people were like, they didn't know my name, so they're like, oh, but you're the stuttering comedian. And I didn't really like the fact that it was like, oh, I feel like I'm a, I feel like I'm like a show thing, like a side show thing. And I get it. Marketing's important.

You gotta have a brand. And he stutters, do it, kid, do the, you know. But it was, it was, for so, I've gone to speech therapy for over, you know, ten. years and trying to just come back to a place where it doesn't matter about the way that I'm saying something, it just matters the things that I'm saying. Yeah. Isn't that beautiful? Yeah, that is nice.

Yeah. I didn't even plan that. That was kind of special. You put it on a stencil. That's why I'm going to stencil on my white $70 hoodie. Yeah. Get it on it down to, get it up to America. Yeah.

So that's kind of what that was. So you're going on a bunch of podcasts. You went on, did you go on Marin? Did I see that? Before it, RIP. It's not done yet, though, is it? I don't know. I don't know if he's finished making them,

but you will be one of the last people to do probably most podcasts. I think a lot of them right after you just stop. That is kind of weird. Do you think it's kind of like a peak situation where they're like, well, that'll be tough to have anybody else? Oh, sorry, go ahead. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. Go ahead.

Ah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Did we just write a musical? I think it's that easy. Wow. I think it's that easy.

All right, now it's time for think call Fastballs with Fits. Oh, God. I know. I'm not, look, I'm not a fan either. We needed a segment. Oh, okay. I mean,

you know my history right like with softballs and stuff like i had an injury from a softball usually know that but these are fastballs oh i'm sorry i misheard you go ahead see most guys will get hit with a fastball but because of your athletic ability inability you got hit by a softball inability yes go ahead um who is your closest male friendship oh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, M-A-L-E? Yeah. Okay, because I write to my grandma. Or your post-delivery guy, your post-delivery guy, sometimes you can build up a reel.

Can you? Well, there's a lot of... I only build two things. Walls and anticipation, but what else do you anticipate more than the mailman coming every day? Oh, you're dang right. And you have a fence between you and him. That's like a wall. Two for two.

Yeah. I am a Labrador at a window, bud. Yeah. I am. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You know. So, ooh, this is a good one.

You know, I don't believe in male bonding because you, because all of a sudden you can develop feelings. And then all of a sudden you're like, oh, no, I don't have any boundaries. No, this is why I ask because I think men have a hard time having feelings with other men. What is it, Paul? Telling one of his best friend. Oh, okay, that's fine. I didn't know we're playing characters off. It's off camera now.

Kind of weird. Do you know that Paul's barefoot? Yes. He does that a lot. He just don't have an HR. Okay. All right. He is HR.

Yeah. All right. So I'll do this. I'll say this. I would say my male friend, which is cool because it's at a distance. You know, we text and I don't call and I don't take his call, all right? Not that if I were to do calls that I would be the one taking. Yeah.

Oh, I say. Um, it, but my best friend from childhood, where I grew up in, I grew up in Las Vegas. Yes, we've covered that. Very small town. Yes, it's at the edge. In Nevada. Right. And so his name is Maurice, and he's, he's my best.

What do you call him for short? I call him Mo. He's black, so I, we have like a thing. And he, you know, he calls me by my full name. Yeah. And, but we're close. Yeah. I feel like you're making him up.

I feel like that's a real person? I want you to call him right now. Okay. Let's see if he answers. Here's a sign that it's your best friend or not. If it goes to voicemail, you think you're his best friend, and he sees you as a guy who sees him as his best friend. So, here, let me show you this.

This many taps? It's your best friend's phone number? So this is him, okay? Checking in on you, bud. Yeah, do you see the checking in on you? you butt in the heart. I'm okay. What's going on?

What's going on? Whoa. So, yeah. Is that what's going on? Or is it like, what's going on? It's like the second one. Really? Yeah.

All right, so we don't call him right now. Yeah, I would say that. Just give him a beat. All right. Next question. I told you didn't want to do the game. Kind of tried to imply that. Who's the worst opening act you've ever had?

Oh, okay. So I was at the Irvine Improv. Yeah. And I'm sitting at this table, and Valentine, our agent, he has an assistant that comes over, and his name's John. Love John. Love John. I'm sitting at the table, and the sound guy comes over and is like, who do you want to, you know, what's the order of the show, right? And I'll be like, okay, this is the feature, they'll do 20.

Why would you do this? What's up? That is not even the question. Yeah, it is. It's, I told you something in confidence before the podcast. And you just, I mean, I'm calling Mo now. You know what? Now I'm fucking calling Mo.

Oh, no. Greg. Hey, Mo. Yeah. All right, I'll tell him. What did you tell him? He says, what are you going to tell him? He says that he calls you, you don't call him. I knew it.

She would tell you that. That's true, yeah. So we're not that close. All right, next question. And I wish you'd take these more seriously. Do you want me to? No, I feel like you're being very flippant about fastballs with fits right now. Okay, well, that is something I'll take to my speech therapist, that sentence.

But, okay, all right, so I can't do, I don't talk bad about people. You never showed up on the road and then they had an opening act for you that was just the juggling, gildos or. Well, that's really funny. I would be good. Yeah. Here's one. This is not what happened on stage, but he, is sitting in the green room, this is the host, right?

And he's sitting here like this, kind of like there's a couch right here, right? There's a couch, and he's holding the couch. And then the, literally the sound guy comes in. So I'd have to have it be similar to the last story. This one's real. He comes in and he goes, all right, what's the order of the show? And then the MC goes, all right, I'll do 15. And then, so he's delegating the times.

And, you know, I have a huge ego. Sure. You know that. It's the only thing big about me. And I was like unbelievable and I quietly just kind of suppressed that and then just dealt with how he wanted to divide the show. And he was actually very funny and I couldn't follow him. Is that true? No.

But it would just it would just be me feeding into the narrative of like, you know, he was so bad. But he actually wasn't. It was just me projecting the situation. So I'm flipping it to the side like comedy. You take it somewhere else. So I was expecting. one thing and then all of a sudden

dildo that's being juggled right right right so yeah so I didn't appreciate that at all you ever not finish a set on stage you know something I have I think I've almost always

finished the show almost always yeah like I felt like there was one time where it was like that was 50 minutes Oh, okay. You do an hour every time? I do an hour 40, like close to an hour 40,

an hour 40. Do you really? No, it's usually about an hour. But I have done an hour 40. They always say how much time do you want to do when I always say 50, but then I do between 50 and 55. Yeah.

But I feel like an hour is almost five minutes too long. You know what? I agree with you. Yeah. I agree with you. When I watch you, I'm like, that was like five. minutes too long. Yeah, but you usually only see me do 10 minutes.

So what are the questions you got? Jesus. Where would you like to travel to that you've never been to before? I'm kidding. I would never ask that question. That's an insane thing to ask another guy. Because if you want to go together, I mean, we, you know, okay. But don't ask.

Irvine? No. That's funny. They've got that spectrum center. Ooh. I know there's a bunch of kids counting counting. They're all their Pokemon cards. That's right.

Talking about dinosaurs there. Throwing coins into the fountain. We go late at night with a couple of waiting boots. Yep. And clean the fuck up. Sorry, I didn't mean a curse. Whoa. Yeah.

Minecraft is a big thing. And if you're going to learn about it, it's going to be at the spectrum center. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. All right. Finally. Yeah.

What is the hackiest? bit that you've ever done. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Oh, that's so good. Hmm.

Oh, okay. I used to, so you'll make fun of me. You're a very seasoned veteran, funny, thank you. Egy type of, type of comic, you know. Not a full comic, but just like you're like a type. Right, right. And I did a joke for a while where I was talking about how, why is it that, why is it that, why

is it that pigeons wings go sideways when they're out you know they're like they're kind of like gangsters a little bit this was and this was recently too i've been doing this for a while i know and i retired it maybe too early you know they kind of do that a little and it's kind of like they're a little you know they're a little you know their heads go like this like that you know what's up yeah you know and it in it and it crushed because you know people like like very hacky and they'll steal things like french fries yeah from right off your plate right off and so the thing is is that people like like really hacky stuff and so that was one of my better literally one of my better jokes and i i i close with it now and and i open with it as well and um what

are you do in the middle it's a lot of just you know treading water yeah a lot of just kind of like I'm struggling here, you know, I'm like, you know, and I, and sometimes I'm even doing this with my neck because I'm like, I want to get to the, you have no idea. Remember what we just did? Well, we're heading there as well. Kind of like how a marathon, it, it ends right where you start. Well, like a homing pigeon. Yeah. It goes out and it comes back. Oh, it's exactly like a pigeon. I didn't even draw the parallel there. You know, I can't draw. That's why I host the show and I bring people like you on. What do you mean, what do you mean, what do you mean like? Well, like you're an impersonator like you you you're you're people say like what do you're like well I'm an

impersonator yeah yeah yeah like you're a person but it but I'm in I'm in person yeah it's like an imperfect person like an imp yes I'm person right yeah I get I understand how to hyphen that stuff yeah I'm very progressive so but yeah I yeah so that one that one was probably one of my better at all time jokes and I think that was the question the question is where can people go see you and I'll tell you right now. Zanies this weekend in Chicago. Why would you play Zanis when you play the Den Theater? Well, it's not Chicago.

It's Nashville. Oh, that solves that problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll be September 19th and 20th. Tulsa, Oklahoma. Does this come out after you're promoting, the dates you're promoting? Comes out tomorrow. Oh, okay.

Fresh, baby. You're quick here. Yeah, that's fine. I saw Paul with no shoes. I just thought, you know, this, I'll never see this footage. Yes. Tulsa, Oklahoma, September 25th through 27th. Someone asked to.

I fucking love Tulsa Oklahoma. It actually is awesome. It's awesome. They got the Bob Dylan Museum there. They've got the Woody Guthrie Museum. They've got the Tulsa Massacre has this incredible museum about it. Lots of museums. Leon Russell's recording studio is there.

I took a tour of that last time I was in town. Hey, hey. You didn't even get to do shows, did you? I was supposed to go to a show. I had it written down, but once you see that massacre, you've got to go back to your hotel and just spend a little alone time.

Yeah. Feetal position. Just trying to put thoughts away. Yeah. File them away. Yeah, I am going to there. And I also, I guess it is pronounced Tulsa. As opposed to what?

To Tulsa. Like Tulsa Gabbard? Yeah. Just like, I mean, yeah. I mean, whatever reference you're referencing, just like that. Don't say Sloan, that was what I was saying. Dole say Sloan. Yeah, yes, exactly what we're.

That's what I met. Literally the same thing. Appleton, Wisconsin, October 16th through the 18th. See, that's one of those cities. You got to really, you got to go out on your Google Maps and look for a cluster and know that's probably a city I'll fly into to get to this other place. You're absolutely right. And it's enough time in between when I'm doing Green Bay in. 29 so I just feel like I'm you know not not I'm not cannibalizing my own market you don't want

to saturate it yeah Stanford Connecticut done don't which I guess you could really fly into New York or Boston yeah and not even do the in not even do the Stanford dates no oh wow once you get to Boston you're like this is great I know it's all about museums yeah yeah or the freedom trail you walk that thing no no I'm I'm plenty of restrained Germany. This podcast actually doesn't go there. Oh, okay. But Berlin, it does.

You'll be in Berlin after that. Then you'll be in Austin, Texas, November 13th through the 15 Indianapolis. And then you got your little helium. Valentine clearly got on the phone with Mark Roseman from helium because you're at the Indy helium. Then you're at the St. Louis Helium. Then you're at the Portland Helium. Then you're at the Buffalo Helium.

Literally week after week. Look at how much money. Gross, Helium is about to just bring in right now. Papering the room, getting a lot of money from drinks because people need alcohol in order to watch me for a long time. Sure. So much money on F&B, F&B, F&B.

Now, do they get a taste on the hoodie cash after the show? Do they take some of that? No, that's kind of exclusive. That's between me, my cartel and the product itself. and the product itself. I see. You know, and my designer, you know. Yeah.

True Lynch, it's been such a pleasure. Thank you for coming on my show. Yeah. See the special. It is called The Stuttering Comedian. And I didn't see it, but I've seen you many times. You're one of those comics. I stand in the back of the store, and I watch,

and I go, this guy's a fucking pro. This guy knows how to do it. You got a great reputation. Thanks, Greg. And people should come see you live. Thanks, Craig. All right. I like that for all the podcasts, that was everything we had done up to that point was so sincere.

But you convinced me that that one was sincere. And that's what makes you special. We'll see you next time on Fitzdog Radio. Thank you.