Fitzdog Radio - Eddie Pepitone - Episode 1116

Episode Date: November 14, 2025

The bitter Buddha Eddie Pepitone joins me, and we straighten out corporate America. Tempo is offering my listeners 60% OFF your first box! ⁠⁠http://TempoMeals.com/FITZDOG⁠⁠ Follow Eddie Pepitone on Instagram @eddiepep Watch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMe⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@GREGFITZSHOW⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@GREGFITZSIMMONS⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠FITZDOG.COM⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Welcome to Fitzdog Radio. I'm back. My knee is heel. Thank you all for checking in. I had knee surgery a week ago today. I had a torn meniscus. No big deal. Gave me some painkillers. My mom calls me every single day to check on me. It is so sweet. She's such a caring, loving person. And it really is nice to know. I mean, you know, my wife cares. Daughter, I have to remind her something. The son hasn't called. But mom is always there. I wish for everybody that they had a mother like mine, that just, oh, she's the best.

Anyway, I've been walking around with a cane. I had to go through all my travels, cane and aunt. And it's so nice. People just smile at you. They notice you. They hold doors. There's just the kindness in their eyes. And I don't want it to go away.

I might keep the cane. I might do like a snoo. dog thing where I'm just the guy with the cane, you know? Maybe I'll get braces. I don't need them. Yeah, I do. Look at that gap. Maybe I'll get braces. I'll wear a Kamala Harris t-shirt, just things that make people kind of pity you and wish the things would get better for you. I want to get a dog. I'll get a, rescue a dog, one of those dogs that needs like the wheelchair on the back legs, you know, those little, uh, those little, uh, the fast. and the Furious dogs.

Call him Vin. Come on, Vin. Maybe adopt a redhead. Give him crutches that he doesn't even need. Just tell him, you need these. He doesn't know. What does a kid know? You give him crutches.

He uses the fucking crutches. And then people look at you like you're a hero. Because you got the redheaded crippled kid. Can you say crippled? I don't even know. I think you'd say everything now. It's kind of over. That whole thing is over.

But I just want to be noticed. I'm 59. Just notice me. I bought a Mustang this year. You know? I pulled up to the comedy store and I got out my, I just had it waxed. And I, I know I waxed. I didn't have it waxed. I fucking waxed my own Mustang. That sounds like a euphemism. Pull up to the comedy store. Ali Wong is standing out front with Bill Hader. And I get out of the car, kind of smooth. I got. I got tumbling diced by the Rolling Stones is pouring out of the windows. And it's not easy to get out of the Mustang. It's low to the ground. And there's an elegant way and there's an old guy way. And I was elegant. I just kind of poured myself out. I walk over and she looks at me and she's like, you have a Mustang?

And she looked at me like she was looking at a Salvador dolly painting. Like nothing made sense. like the Matrix was in disarray. And I just looked at it like, look, look, baby, I know you love me. I know you see me as a good dad and a good husband and a sober guy. But you know what? I'm as, I'm a fucking gunslinger.

You don't know me. You don't know how I was when I was young. I'm as cool as Bill Hader. You know? I'm not, it's not over. I felt over. I took a wheelchair at LAX. That felt over. Jesus. And so I, you know, you order it through the airline, United Airlines. And they say you go to Terminal 7, door, whatever. So I go to that door. I'm on my cane. And then you got to pick up this phone and dial for the wheelchair person to come over. And it's just like, it's this fattel lady. She comes over with the wheelchair. It takes her 25 minutes. I'm sitting there for 25 minutes. She shows up. The TSA is right there. So we go right through TSA and my gate was the first gate. I could have done it on my cane in four minutes. And I'm waiting for

this old lady. I give her 20 bucks. She looked like I just fucking bought her a condo in Cabo St. Lucas. She was so excited. So that made it worth it. And then I get to, I fly to Chicago. They pick me at. Thank God. They pick me up at the week. wheelchair on that plane because I don't know if you've been to O'Hare Airport. They have no qualms about asking a passenger to walk one to three miles from their gate to the curb. It's insane. So another fat old lady pushes me through that airport, throw her 20. And then I get to the hotel in Chicago. It's called like the Chicago Athletic Association or something. Nice old hotel. Parking? How about $89?

a night. Yeah. That felt good. And then you tip the guy. I was right over by DePaul. I was in Wicker Park. My son went to DePaul University. I don't know if you guys know that. You probably do. And I had some nice memories of I used to do that. I was at the Den Theater and him and his roommates and his friends would all come out to my stand-up show and it would be fun. And I missed him being there. But we had a full house at the Den Theater. Paul Faravar. I always say his name wrong. Faravar. So funny. Did a great job featuring for me. My old college agent was there. The guy that used to book me on all my colleges, two guys, Chris and Scott and Mia. We're all there. And then I had to drive the next day

to Wisconsin. I woke up at like noon. My show in Wisconsin, ready for this? Four o'clock p.m. at this club. It's three and a half hours to get to Appleton, Wisconsin from Chicago, three and a half hours. It's now noon. I have a four o'clock show, and I got to get the car, get some breakfast, and get up there. So I was on 94 north or west or whatever. I was going 95 to 100 miles an hour for about less than three hours. I cut the trip down to two hours and 50 minutes. It was so much fucking fun. Got the car upgraded. I got a Dodge Charger. You're fucking zipping, baby. So much fun. Made the show. Great crowd.

It was fun. Anyway. So came home yesterday. My flight was delayed from Wisconsin to Chicago because there was a snowstorm in Chicago. and then I went from my gates. I had to go from, you know, I landed at one gate. I had to go to the other gate for the connecting flight. I knew I had to rush. So I didn't get the wheelchair. I got my cane and I fucking ran with my cane for about 14 minutes.

I get to the gate and American Airlines had closed the door. It was 10 minutes to 11 when I got there. The flight was at 11. She closed the door and wouldn't let me go. I sat there while she rebooked. me for 25 minutes, I kept pointing at the plane with the bridge attached to the side of the plane going, it's still there, it's still there! And she would not let me on. So I did what I do with my mighty social media presence of 100,000 people on Twitter. I showed a little hate

at American Airlines, and then they reached out to me, and they said, give us your phone number, follow us and DM us your number so i did and then i get this what's app call which i thought was fucking weird indian guy and he starts telling me about how i got to go to what's app and download this app so i see the app i go to this sounds like a scam and i go to download the app and it says like muni money mid east payment and i was like what the f it was a fucking scam they saw me complaining on Twitter and they targeted me, which I deserve. I was being a fucking Karen. So anyway, I was on a painkiller the whole time anyway. You know what? When you take one of those painkillers, nothing can throw off your mood. You just, you just breeze through it. Easy peasy.

All right, I got more to get to, but it's already 11 minutes in and we got a great guest. Well, let me tell you also coming this week. I'll be in Lafayette, Louisiana, on Wednesday night, Club 337, that's November 12th. I don't know when this podcast even comes out. New Orleans at Skangfest all this week. Phoenix Desert Ridge Improv on November 28th through the 30th, San Francisco Punchline, December 11th through 13. Hasbrook Heights, Bananas Comedy Club, December 26, 27. Then I'm coming to Cleveland, Atlanta, the mothership, Sacramento, Philly,

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That's Tempo, T-E-M-P-O-Meals.com slash Fitzdog for 60% off your first box. Tempo Meals.com slash Fitzdog rules and restrictions may apply. Okay. My guest today is the bitter Buddha. That's what they call them. You know them from many appearances on Mark Barron's podcast. Tons of sketches on Conan O'Brien over the years. Sarah Silverman program.

He was in old school. Bob's Burgers, King of Queens, Chappelle's Show, Malcolm in the Middle, Monk, Children's Hospital, the Eric Andre Show, Flight of the Concords, Two Broke Girls, Always Sunny in Philadelphia. This guy works. He's a great actor. He's one of the most interesting comedians working today. He's got a new special out that's called The Collective.

lapse, and we just had a great chat last week. I fucking love this guy. Here's my talk with Eddie Pepitone. My guest today is Eddie Pepitone. My guest today is Eddie Pepitone, pronounced pep like. he's got a lot of energy and tone, like, you're not really sure what he's going for. Totally. Is he angry? Is he self-deprecating? Is he mad at you?

Yeah. I mean, pick a lane, Eddie. You're all over the place. I love anger. Yeah. as a driving force in comedy, in my comedy. Like, I'm a person who has pent up hostility. Like, I was driving here, and I finally got off the highways.

It's a long way from where I live to hear this studio, and I have to take highways, and I was very good on the highways. But then I got off, and Robertson Boulevard had this construction. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got to drive. It's like I thought I was through this. And I look at the construction, and this is my free floating hostility, because these guys have nothing to do with me, but I look at the construction workers,

and I'm like, I don't say it, but my whole thing is like, you fucking idiots. What the fuck are you doing? Like, that's just how I am, like, with everything. Like, what the fuck? Yeah. You know?

But the key to rage as a comic is that you have to make it look absurd. Yes. You know what I mean? Because if you're truly rageful, everybody gets uptight. Like if I really have a beef with someone in the audience, you know what I'm talking about. Dude, you can't come back from that. When you break down the fourth wall and you get directly, it happened to me at the store the other night. There was a loud table.

Oh, shit. Never happens. Literally, never happens. And I blame the waiter because he was being very fucking loud. And they were ordering really loud. And they had their backs to me. They turned around. And it's like his job is to go, shh, you know, let's order quietly, you know? And so I'm yelling at them because I didn't see the waiter.

And then the guy turns around and he's this like Persian real estate guy with a suit. And he goes, we're making you money. and I go, I'm making $30, sir. That's probably one drink. 50. Is it 50? You don't even know. I think it used to be 30 for a long time.

Yeah, it used to be. Now it's 50 for a while. I have money, but it's not fuck you money. It's screw you. I have, I say, I don't have fuck you. money i have excuse me but i was in this line before you money i was just trying to think of that joke and it turns out you already have i i i do because i do this bit about my dad dying which he did recently and i got no no it was a good it was a good thing i got the house and we just

sold it me and my satin island yes you got a house in statin island you're excited about it i sold it Oh, you did. Yeah. So that's the, excuse me. And you, because my dad was a teacher, but he, he was very penurious. I'm sorry, I don't know what penurious means. It means he saved money. He didn't spend.

But wasn't he also on like the school board at one point? He was a union leader and a principal for a while. And then he was like, fuck this. Yeah. But those pensions when you're a teacher are sweet. In New York City, they were. Not now. You're lucky if you get, you know, a lot of teachers when they retire in the OR.

I'm kidding. Wait a minute. So let me get this straight. So your dad, it's just you and your sister, did you say? And so he's got a house and he's got some savings from the patch. Yeah, yeah. And me and my sister split it all. You split it up.

And now I'm like, excuse me, I was in this line. Let me ask you about this because my mother, God bless her. I'm so close to her and she's so amazing. She doesn't have a lot of money. See, I wasn't, my parents and me, we had fucking Tim. Not, you know, you love them, obviously, but it was not a great loving thing. Really? Yeah. And you're Sicilian on one side and Jewish on the other. Yeah, there you go. I think of those as like close family ethnicities. It's true. It's true. I had a lot of, I basically, got to know the Italian side because my dad, who is the dominant one, did not like the Jewish side. He didn't. And they were in the Bronx. They were like, I'm not going to the Bronx. All this crap.

But what are you going to say about your mom? Well, she doesn't have a ton of money, but I was thinking about how that's going to feel the day she passes and there's money involved because it's kind of and sisters. Yeah, I have a brother and a sister, but I hate to say, is it like, is it bittersweet? Like, where does the morning stop and the celebration begin? Right? Well, have you, I mean, and I watch a lot of Agatha Christie? I do.

What, like PBS? Yeah. Yeah, Poirot, Miss Marple. Right, right. You know, I'm the big English countryside murder guy. Yeah. I think you know that. And I, almost every other episode is about fights between family in inheritance.

And I read about it all the fucking time. Oh, I got a friend that's going through it right now. With their siblings. Was close to their siblings their whole life and now they're not talking. That's fucked up. And thankfully, being my sister are so tough. and she's a lawyer. She took care of everything.

Oh, nice. She took care of everything for me. You know, it was happening in New York, so I couldn't. And I just get on the phone and be like, you're doing great. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. But, yeah.

So when does the morning end in the, I don't, I think it's, you know, especially if you loved your mom, it's like that is just, it's a mixed bag, you know? Yeah, right, right. I guess when you go on your first vacation on that month. Well, you know what you do. You dump the ashes on that trip, which kind of like negates the guilt you might feel, right? Did you dump ashes with your mom? Into the...

They didn't want to be cremated, you know? So we just dropped my mom, body and all from a helicopter into New York Carver. She loved the ferry. Meanwhile, half of Staten Island is a dump He could have just gone to that Was it a fish kill? My mom, Fish Kill. Arthur Kill, Fish Kill, yeah.

Arthur Kill, I remember. Oh, yeah. I had a friend, one of my close friends in the world, her dad used to have a tugboat in Arthur Kill, you know. Tugboat where you wear like, you know, tank top t-shirts, and you're standing on Staten Island looking at the boat going, my god life is good seagulls on the garbage

garbage barges they are yeah you know my mom hated moving to statin island that was a big fucking point of horrific contention she loved Brooklyn what part we were like flat bush

bay ridge kind of things you know that's very Italian right Italian and Jewish, Italian, you know, my dad's family was in Marine Park forever. The Italians. Well, that's where Saturday Night

Fever was based on. Oh, was it right there? Flatbush, yeah. Yeah, that was a great old Brooklyn. Do you ever go to the nightclubs when you were a kid? You were a teenager? No, I was never a nightclub guy. You know, I'm trying to think what I... I was a sports guy.

I'd play roller hockey. We played Ring and Livia. Do you remember these New York City Street games? You grew up in this city, right? No, well, no, I grew up in Tarrytown in Westchester County. The suburbs. Yeah. But we played stickball, like city-style stickball with the strikes out on the wall.

Yeah. Yeah. I used to love stickball. Yeah. I'll never forget. We played street hockey. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

With roller skates? No, we played on our feet. Oh, okay. That's called girl hockey. Is that your comedy? You go feminine. I do. It's so funny, like, how, how's fucking standard that is, and I do it all the time.

It's just right there. All you got to do, just call a guy gay on stage and it's a guaranteed, you know? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when you played roller hockey, I think roller skates are more gay. Don't you think? Well, I was blading. Oh, you had Roller Blades?

Well, in Manhattan, when I lived in Manhattan. Oh, okay. I went all over the city, by the way. Staten Island, I hated. Yeah. But I just want to get to the New York Street Games in Brooklyn, which were fucking crazy, like Lord of the Fly type shit. There would be this thing called Rigolivio, where we would grasp arms and, like, form this human chain across one street,

and the other team would have the... the same thing. And they would be like, ring allelevio, ring allelevio, we call pepaton over. And I would have to charge. The person who was called over would have to charge and try to break the ring. Like you would just charge in a people.

And you know, you were smacked around. And it always got heated because you would hit somebody. And they'd be like, you mother. And I was like, oh, fucking ring olivio today. Oh. Ring Aleveo. I don't know where that name came from. Yeah, we play, kick the can.

Which one? Kick the can. Where you put a can out, and then you go, everybody's hiding, you know, and you hide behind cars and stuff. You put a can out in the street, and then one person comes out and it's one person to turn and they kick it. Fuck, I'm forgetting. and you've got to set it back up again and then catch the person that kicked it. This was before antidepressants.

You see, if you were on antidepressants, you would not have played that game. You know what I mean? What are you on? I love your joke about I'm on 200 milligrams of Zoloft. I just like the taste. And it does nothing for me. I just like the taste.

And I say, I crush it up. I put it on cereal and I watch porn on mute. I don't even masturbate. I just eat my Zoloft and Apple Jacks. And I always talk about how the only cereal I eat is the worst sugar-infested cereal. I just depict, I was thinking about this shit. Because I watched one of the, you know, they tape some of the sets at the store, right? So on the main stage, do you know that?

Yeah. It seems like to me you have one foot and one foot out of that place. Anyway, they tape, it's not your main focus. They tape sets of the stores while I was watching one the other day that I don't remember doing this. And it was only a couple months ago or a month ago where I'm going, I like to do cocaine, which I don't do. But on stage, I'm like, I like to do cocaine. and go to Apple Picking Festivals. And I watched the kids on hay rides, and I toss lighters.

And I heard people in the audience go, oh. And I'm like, I'm watching this today because my producer was going to put some clips up. And I'm like, I'm like, this is really dark. But I find the darkness to be related to the rage and, uh, I find it funny, but... It's so funny. It's my... You too? I mean, I don't necessarily...

I mean, I'm dark, too, on stage, and I can say things. But you have children and you have funny things about the kids. Yeah, but I also go... I also do dark stuff. I know you do. But when I see your stuff, I literally just say to myself, there are guys that are playing 10,000 seat theaters right now that I stare at, like a dog would stare at a fucking late-night infomercial.

Like, I don't know what's happening. I don't know what people are laughing at. And then I see you go on at the store, and I'm like, it's like watching Dave Attell or somebody. And you really just go like, why isn't this guy? I mean, I'm going to plug your dates later, and it's going to be a sad moment. You're playing like an Elks Lodge in Oregon. And then these other guys are playing arenas in Vegas. And I just say, well, are you working against you?

yourself are you oh dude but you know that's the thing at least this is what i tell myself this the most backhanded compliment you've ever done i see you're playing elk lodges you're brilliant but you're playing elk's lodges let's be real dave um who's dave i i made up a fictitious I made a fictitious character up, but, yeah, I think my path has been weird, dude, because I'm not a guy who got, I got into comedy when I was 20, 1920. Right. But my path has been very circuitous to stand up because I started doing stand up in New York at these places like the Eagle Rock Tavern. Oh, no, no, that's here in L.A. But I think it was called the Eagle Tavern in Manhattan,

and I would be just so nervous that I would throw up in the bathroom before my sets. But I knew I was, I knew this was my thing. Right. But there was so much anxiety, and I was only at one level then. I used to go on stage, and I used to scream. It was just a primal scream. Oh, just to scream, no words. No, no, words.

Yeah. But it would be at the airplane level of like, I'd be like, there's not. And it would never modulate, you know? So I took a break from stand-up comedy. And did improv then, right? And I did all kinds of shit. I did. I wrote one-man shows before they were a thing.

Oh, that's right. That's right. My one-man shows were characters. Like I'd be like, I remember one character where I'd, throw something. I go, get it. Get it. Get it. Bring it back now. Bring it back now. Bring it back. And I take it and I wrestle it out and I bring it. And the punchline was, now give me the knife. Just give me the knife. Like it wasn't a dog. It was me throwing it to some guy. Just give me the knife. That would be my shit, you know. And then you came back to stand up. And then I finally came back. I did.

did join improv groups. And then I started a sketch group in New York where I did a lot of, a lot of good sketches with two other guys. Oh. And then I went back to stand-up. And then I really loved it. Yeah.

Because I had some confidence. I did a lot of acting, too. Yeah. You know, I did a lot of plays. I did a lot of plays. Right. You know. So your single focus hasn't been stand-up all these years.

Right, so I think I didn't really build that audience. And then my shit is so bizarre. It's so bizarre, but it's also, you know, it's all about being on social media now. And your stuff is very clippable. Like if you, I hope you have the right person cutting up clips and promoting you because I really feel like, you know, your stuff. I immediately sent it to my daughter today. I watched your special. I thought I was watching your new special, but I was watching your old special.

you watched. Yeah, I watched Four of the Masses, and I sent it to my daughter, and I said, if you want to see real comedy, watch this. Oh, thanks. Yeah. That one got best, best special of whatever that was, 2021 or something by the New York Times. No. And I love doing, I love doing the joke like, and who knows comedy like the New York Times. Have you seen that coverage of the Mid-East? It's very fun. Here's what I love. The New York Times does a Sunday with Cameron Diaz, and then she walks you through. It always starts with the farmer's market, you know. Like you tell them your typical Sunday, you always go to the farmer's market,

and then there's a place that has yummy brunch that they go to. And then there's like a vintage record store, and then there's, and then it always, you know, And then it always, like, they eat out three times, but they still find time to watch a movie and snuggle and go on a hike and running canyon with the dog. Those are the type of people who were not ready for the Civil War. Right, right. Because when it gets nasty, they're going to be like, look, we have 20 minutes to make brunch.

Now we're going to have to fight our way there. But they have spicy poached eggs today. And heirloom tomatoes. so can we please go you know what I mean like I was thinking about obviously we're going to have another Civil War Well we have one now

It just hasn't exploded into I don't know how it would look like You know Well here's my vision of it There was a good movie about it There was 400,000 600,000 people died in the first Civil War A lot died in the fact

Was it only 600 grand? I thought it was more but it was 600,000. So my idea is, let's fight it this time, but the only people allowed to fight are current Civil War reenactors. And so you're only fighting

from noon to 5 o'clock on Saturdays in Williamsburg. But it's real. But it's real. You put real bullets, but it's single shot muskets. They've got to take the cannons. It's still old-timey.

Yeah, they got to wear the wool uniforms in August and they've all got lice and gonorrhea and they're sleeping in tents and Ken Burns will actually be able to photograph it himself this time. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah, man. Are you scared about the fucking fascism? Like, that's happening with the fucking mass.

I'm so scared. I'm so scared that I'm not scared. Like, because if I let myself be as scared as I am, I won't leave the house. Yeah. So I'm just kind of looking at it like, you know, And I just, and I say to myself, okay, well, after the election, and then you read all these articles about what they're doing for the next election. And you go, oh, there's a chance that, you know, he's already talking about a third term. And, you know, there's a whole playbook on in advance saying the elections are going to be corrupt so that you planted that seed with people.

Oh, yeah. And then you send armed guards to all the voting stations, which is going to make people afraid to go vote. I think there's going to be a lot of pushback, though. People are pissed. Well, that no king's march was the biggest march in American history. Right. That needs to happen much more frequently. It should be every other week.

Every other week. I can't go. I'm in the middle of the bear right now. But if I get through it, depending on how the peacemaker is. Yeah. I mean, if I didn't have Hulu Plus, I'd be out there. The No Kings March, brought to you by Hulu Plus. Right.

If they could actually start shooting the protests and put it on Hulu Plus, then you could feel more involved. It'll be a series. There's actually YouTube channels you can watch where you, like, any kind of catastrophe. I forget what it's called. My friend gave me this because me and him joke about our ghoulish, proclivity to watch catastrophes like I was like oh man finally a good hurricane like Melissa yeah and but I'm more conscious now where I go what why do I want destruction to happen

you know yeah but there is YouTube channels where they just are like they're guys who were like into it right going look at this this is someone being it's terrible actually I know Well, my Instagram feed definitely knows I enjoy fights in Waffle Houses. I don't like to watch those. I used to. Yeah. But they're too brutal. They're brutal.

They're too brutal. And that makes me scared to leave the house. Or definitely, I pick my Waffle Houses very carefully. Yeah, you don't want a Deep South Waffle House because everybody fights. It starts with two, and by the end, everybody's fighting. Huffle houses are so funny. I have a joke where I say, you know how I want it to end?

I want to go into a waffle house singing, life is great, life is grand, and then just take out a gun and blow my head off in a waffle house. That's a joke you wrote? It's not really a joke. What's funny? What's funny? Jesus, funny?

No, no, no. Blowing your brains out in a waffle house is funnier. I need a tagline for a bit. Yeah, that never got great response, you know. No, with my subgenre that I like is people climbing into drive-thru windows to go after the cashier, which happens more often than you can believe. People climbing out of drives. No, into the drive-thru.

From their car? From their car? To go after the cashier. Yeah, they climb through their open window into the whole. What are they so pissed at that they? didn't get what they wanted or something? Sometimes you don't get what you wanted. You have to do something about it.

Margaret, if you don't see me again, tell the children I love them, but the fact that she wouldn't supersize this has to be dealt with. Harry, don't. You take the wheel. Are you taking your Wilburne? That's fucking crazy.

And that level of insanity, is at least, you know, I'm not near that level. No, I was driving home from the comedy store where I have one foot in and one foot out the other night. My foot was in that night. And I'm driving home. And I must have, like, merged in a way that pissed off the person behind me. And I remember merging. And it wasn't a hard merge.

But it was, you know, there was a foot, you know, maybe they had to tap their brakes. I'm not sure. But they were not in the mood. They lost their shit. they had a Honda that was pretty beat up, and they proceeded to just literally push me off the road. They just kept screaming at me and pushing me off the road. They had no qualms about hurting their car. I felt that in my bones. Because it was beat up. They didn't care. It was probably stolen. What did you? Well, you know, in the old days, I would have, you know,

chase them, cut them off, whatever. And then I just said, you know what? I got a brand new Mustang you've seen it and I think so yeah and I just what color it's like a charcoal gray I think yeah yeah it's a nice one it's really nice it's the first time I've had a nice car in my entire life is that right well because I raised two kids so I drove a Prius I drove a Subaru I was like you know I gotta save my money and I did I saved my money you have money you had money but whatever like I know you're um but yeah so you have a nice Mustang and you just said fuck it I I fucking love it. And they say material thanks,

Can't Buy You Happiness. I smile every single time I see that car. I'm walking towards it and I... How long have you had it? Less than a year. Okay. That's pretty good.

Usually it wears off. Has not worn off in the least. That's nice. I got to get one of the... How much are they? Because I just sold the house. It was like $78,000. No.

I think it was... 78? No, I think it was 30. Oh, that's not bad. No, Mustangs aren't that bad. And, you know... Ford, it's American? It's Ford.

Tell me about your car. I have endless material about it. I know. That's why I'm cheating you up because I love that. I have a 2006 Honda Element. And this is what I say on stage. I have a 2006 Honda Element, but a lot of women think it's a 2007. Because I keep it nice.

I clean the meat off the dashboards from the drive-thrues. I never used to clean out the meat that would fly out of my mouth on the dashboard. Because I keep it nice. One year it looks. It's so funny how one word can make a joke so much better. If you said I keep it clean, that's still funny. But when you say I keep it nice, It shows that there's like a level of cool that you think you are

and that this car really does mean something special to you. It's interesting that you analyze it like that because I think that's true, but I think we as comics just instinctively know. We know the funny word. We know the funny word. Yeah, right. You know.

And I know. And also this is so great. to have a joke like that so great to have in your back pocket when you're struggling a little bit at a club in let's say in elk lodge and you just in Oregon yes by the way you know I just want to say you're like oh you're playing an elk lodge this is in a place that is so fucking gorgeous this is going to be like a two-day vacation for me it's called Hood River Oregon oh yeah yeah have you been yes oh you have yeah yeah so i'm looking forward to oh it's the money is not yeah i don't go on this is kind of true now especially that i have a little money i don't go really on the road to make a ton of money man i go i go on the road to fucking spread the pepetone message and to get known and to like meet fans which i think is such a pisser yeah to meet people from all over the country who are like you know, me and my friend just keep repeating that joke you did years and shit like that.

Yeah, because you realize that it's a big country and you're not going to appeal to everybody, but when you can find that 2% that just dig you, that you hit, me being one of them, where people just respond and go, this is my version. I got an email today. I want to read you this email. Is it? Yeah, you get nice emails occasionally? Yes.

And this one I really loved today. This woman said, I hope I'll mention. You're a funny guy. Your material like in I Love My Wife is unnecessary. You lose over half of anyone who could be a fan due to the X-rated topics. It is comedy 101 for comedians who use sex and porn as subject matter. It doesn't take much to talk about that.

If you cannot make everyday experiences clean and funny, higher writers Brian Regan Kathy Madigan Leanne Morgan Nate Brigazzi Sebastian Manascolco Sinbad

are all funny are all funny without taking offense talking offensive clean up your act and you won't have people not attend or even walk out

good luck from Anthony Newman Anthony Newman Anthony Newman I believe he's a four-star chef but I just love that he has a vision of comedy

that is that and somehow all comedians should be doing exactly that yeah yeah I how do you respond to that

I thought about it I was initially going to reply suck my dick or something really dirty that's very funny that would have been worth it yeah I don't know but no but then I was going to go well, maybe I should really just break down what he's saying and how that doesn't work for me.

And that I grew up with sexual repression and as being Irish Catholic, we were never able to talk about things. And now I do it in my act. And it's very cathartic, you know, and I find that people... Yeah, you do do a bunch of cursings here and there, don't you? Well, yeah, and I talk pretty graphically about having sex with my wife. Don't act like you don't fucking watch me at the story. I do. But you have one foot in.

But do you, how do you, how would you reply to this email sent to you? Oh, well, it wouldn't get sent to me because I'm so, as a matter of fact, a lot of times when I'm on stage, I can't believe the amount of cursing that I do. Yeah. And sometimes it's, when I'm tired, it's really bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, just fuck. Everything with me is like, cock suckers.

Yeah. Fucking, for me, it's like I go into that, I go into that dark, I don't know if it's forbidden, you know, and porn I have used. And I get, like, I'll watch comedians talk about porn or like eating ass. I draw the line at eating, like, I don't want to. Eating ass and squirting are the two ones I go like, all right, not necessary. No, no, no, no. Yeah, for me, porn is like a reflection of how deeply disconnected I am from real intimacy and making fun of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? And actually, porn is such a bad thing, I think. We talked about this once before a little bit, but porn is such a bad thing for young kids. Oh, my God. Who watch that shit? Yeah. Because they just, they think that sex is this and that. Sex is something that is hardly ever fun.

You know, sex, for me, sex is like, oh, no, you know, like, you know. What do I say? Well, why do you do it? It's part of the contract, but sex, I have a bit where I go, you know, me and my wife, You know, our sexual prime is passed, and I say this young couple moved up, moved in next door, and they fuck like maniacs. Now, that person would want me to say, and these people make love like lunatics. Yeah, yeah. We have homo figurines, and they fly off the wall at us. Humble figurines.

Yeah, yeah, that's a good comedy word, too. that always gets us. And I'll stop and go, that's right. I love Hummills. But I say, I see, you ever been with somebody when you're pretending something's not happening? And we're just watching TV and Hummel figurines are flying off the wall. And we're just watching Antiques Roadshow, pretend. And you hear things like.

Put it in my ass when I say the word, you know, radio head or whatever. And I just look at my wife and go, I bet that violin is worth $3,000. That one does well. Yeah, that's good. No, I think about having a son. I mean, I wouldn't even talk about my daughter, but I know that my son watched porn. You know, they had phones in their hands at, you know, 12. I did not have that.

And I still found porn at 14. You know what I would do? I would go into Manhattan. You didn't go to Sex World Times Square. I did. I went into peep show boots. No. And I saw the most crazy.

Beastiality. I was just going to say I saw it. And it was my, you know, seeing a horse perform like that is not bad. You know, when you see. Mr. Ed. Well, I thought talking was impressive. This guy. Way to you see the fucking.

No, but, yeah, I actually, I remember. I was a crazy kid, yeah. Yeah, and that's not to brag. I don't want anybody to think I have a lifestyle that's better than theirs, but yes. And I, and I, yeah, that's why I'm so dark, dude. I started smoking weed. I don't smoke it anymore, but I started smoking weed when I was 14. Yeah.

And I would go to these people's soap boots. Yeah. I remember one time a low point for me was Thanksgiving. I was living in Manhattan. And I had such a crazy relationship where my family, I didn't go see them that Thanksgiving. And I remember drinking cough syrup, smoking weed. and jerking off in a peep show booth. I was not 14.

I think it was 46. I'm getting. I had just gotten my doctor from John Hopkins. I used to go to Sex World, which had like a... I love how you're like, you didn't go to Sex World, did you? Well, Sex World was great because not only did they have... They had the booths, but then they also had this live thing where there was like a pit. And you sat in a...

circle and you had your little, it was like a bank teller window and you put in the coins and then the window would rise and then you could see the girls, I can't remember if you could reach out and touch them. Could you read or was it glass? No, no, that was not cool to do that. But you would see the other degenerates in their windows, which I didn't think was cool and their window would open and you'd see some other guy in it and you would say, my God. Is that what I look like? You know, some pharmacist who had a rough day. And the girl is performing like she's in, like, theater in the round.

You know, she's like Nate Brigazzi at one of his shows. You know, and she's trying not to leave anybody out. The girls that I saw were very, it was a combination of hostile and indifference. There would be hostility and indifference. difference and I would just be looking at him and I it was just all for me it was self-reflection when when that would happen I would just be like Jesus Christ Eddie yeah you know you were on a path when you went to Brooklyn Tech of becoming an engineer of some sort what the hell happened to you and then you walk out and you see the guy and he's got on the smock and he's got the

mop in the bucket dude that is I always thought there is no job I want to to do less than that. That is very funny because one of the sketches I wrote for my sketch group was I'm interviewing for the mop guy at Peep World. And the interviewee is saying to me, the guy who runs people, they're saying, so why do you want to do this? And I'm like, I'm a people person. Which is always what I would say when I was applying for my.

waiter jobs and and the the guy running their interview will come on what do you mean you're people and so this guy was the same way going what do you mean you were people and I go well I just like to mop sperm you know and it's always been a dream of mine to mop a lot of sperm was really dark and then they they finished mop the sperm and then they have to stand out on Broadway and hand out flyers for people to come in. And it's like, here's the thing. If someone's going to peep world, they know they're going to peep world when they left the house that morning. Nobody's making like, you know, they know they're going to be. There's no decision. No, there are, there are impulsive decisions.

You think so? I would have them, you know. A lot of times I would be like, you know what, I'm going to go to the Fifth Street Library today with a beautiful New York. York City Library on 42nd and 5th and then have a detour because it was close to Peep World or whatever. You know, I'd be like, wait a minute, why go to the New York City Library and read a classic and be surrounded by beautiful literature when I could smoke a joint and go to Peep World. I know. And once it's in your head, you can't not do it.

Right. Once you've thought about doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you're like, ah, people, wow. Yeah, but they also had a thing when Giuliani came in and he cleaned up New York, he had to change the name from sex world to something else world. It was called Relieve Yourself World. Please release me. Take a break.

And they had to have literature as one third of the shop because the First Amendment people said that this is freedom of speech and that the porn magazine. and the porn videos is freedom of speech. And so Giuliani said, that's fine, but a third of it has to be non-porn-related. So you'd walk into sex world, and they'd have Nabokov sitting there on one of those twirling little... Hey, Nabokov, is this about knobs?

Those first are literature, sir. All right. Dude, yeah. I'm thinking about those times, and it definitely... It was crazy that I was doing that. Like I look back on it now and go, Jesus Christ, talk about being bereft of love. Yeah.

You know what I mean? That's what it really is like. Well, and I think it's what you said before. It is the opposite of a relationship. Opposite of intimacy. Yeah, right. You know. And then my relationships with women back there, this is why I'm dark is kind of what I'm coming to, you know.

My relationships with women, because my mom, I always get so confessional with you. you. But my mom, my relationship with my mom, she was bipolar. And she was checked out for most of my life. She was not like a loving mom. She was in and out of mental institutions. Really? Tell this is what I would say to this guy. Hey, Andrew, what's his name? Somebody Newman? Andrew Newman. Okay. Hey, Andy Newman. Yeah. I'm going to be Nate Bargarzzi clean when my mom was in and out of mental institution starting when I was four. Oh, yeah. Let me do some clean stuff on how funny hot dogs are, even though they slaughter pigs, which are

friendlier than dogs. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. I also think doing clean material is also, this is what I say, now I'm thinking of things to say to this guy, but I also think doing clean material is a white wine. of the brutal fucking world we live in. Yeah. It's brutal.

It's run by insane people. Our world is run by insane people. Even before the Trump crew, which takes it to another level of insanity, you know, the Biden crew was also, you know, committing genus. All of this shit. Yeah. You know, oh yeah, Anthony, I'm going to talk about how nice, you know. Say it. Yeah, well, I'm going to talk about how nice, you know, it is to make you bed.

You know, it's a nice thing to make you bed. You tuck it in and you're like, I can, you know, now I feel clean. They used to say that shit in AA groups, always make your bed. Always make your bed. And I'd be like, I don't think it's going to help me a lot. But I was very willing when I first went into the programs and I was, I'd mention. make my bed a day or two, and then I gave it out. Yeah, I always make your bet.

First, I got to get the crack whore out and scrub the vomit off the pillows. Get up! I got to make my bed and recover. All right, I had some questions I want to ask you. Okay. You know, I write a script for every guest. Do you do that on your podcast? No, I don't have guests.

Is this the Apocalypse Soon podcast? Yeah. Me and Kevin Tink. Oh, you guys just, that's the way to do it. Guess are difficult because you always feel like you're calling in a favor. I mean, you asked to come on my podcast, which is the greatest thing in the world. Yes, yes. I love when people just ask to come on.

I don't have to pick up the phone. Right. But guess, but guess, but guess help you expand the reach of your podcast. I don't have a reach. I have more of like a shrug. No, there's people listen. The right people listen. Yeah, yeah.

You'd be amazed the showrunners that listen to this show. Is that right? Judd Apatow listens to every show, Greg Garcia. Hey, Judd. Hey, Greg Garcia. Thanks for basically overlooking me my entire life. And thanks for never really seeing who I really am. That'll help.

That'll help. Yeah, I remember Apatow. I remember seeing Judd at the improv. saying, look, if you insult me, I ain't using you. That's how Hollywood works. And I was like, that's brutally honest. I thank you for being honest. But go ahead.

What were you going to ask me? Greg Garcia. Garcia, I know he's a. I insulted. No, no, no, no, no, no. I insulted Judd. I, well, not him, but I shit all over girls on the internet, on podcasts. You did?

And then I got, and then I got, uh, I wrote something shitty about girls and then somebody C-Ced Judd on what I wrote on Instagram. Jesus. And then Judd wrote back, Greg is a great comic and a good guy. I don't think he would ever, I don't think he would mean anything by that. And then I, and I didn't really know Judd, you know? That's really nice. So I DMed him and I go, hey, man, thanks for taking the high road.

I don't know what I'm doing. What are I shitting on, girl? Who am I? You know? Yeah. And then we've become, he's one of my closest friends now. Oh, that's really nice. Is he really? Yeah.

Yeah. We go for these long walks from Brentwood to the ocean and back. Oh, my God. Mention me. I'm kidding. Do you have a headshot? Do you have a head shot? Just give them a little matchbook cover with my number.

Now, you're a vegan now. No. No, I went off of that. I went off of that hard. And I'm trying to get back to it, but it's really difficult once you go off. Well, you did it for your wife because she's a big animal rights person. Oh, yeah. And I'm an animal.

animal rights person, too. As a matter of fact, I can't watch any of the nature docks or even read. Nature's getting brutalized now with the climate warming, the global warming. It's just, so yeah, but I try to be a little vegan, yeah. I try to be a little vegan. No, I try to be vegan. And I do it here in L.A. Yeah. It's easy in L.A., but when you're in doing Elks Lodge in Oregon, good luck finding some vegan stuff. Neil Brennan has a funny joke where when he's in Kansas City, he just knows big and is hard, and he just goes to the guys. Tell me where the fags eat. No, I was just in Alaska and I was out with these guys, these Alaskans, they took me out for the day.

And we're driving home and I'm driving this monster pickup truck that's towing like a snowmobile. You're driving that? Because they're both drunk. We stopped at a bar and they had seven hours. Appletinis each. In Alaska. In Alaska. That's what they do.

And they give me a jerky to eat because I was hungry. So I'm eating this jerky. And the guy goes, you like it? I go, yeah, he goes, it's moose. I go, you shot a moose? And the guy was a cop. And he goes, no, we clean up the roadkill. No.

And I make jerky. I swear to God. But that's guilt-free right there. Well, if you run seven Appletinis. All right, what's the... You know, well, guilt-free because the moose was killed by a car. No, that's what I'm saying. I know that's what you're saying.

God damn it. I got a gig for you in Alaska, my friend. Are you serious? Yeah, it's in Fairbanks. Oh, I've been a Fairbanks. Yeah, and these people, I'm going to tell you something, if you want people that appreciate you being there and laugh hard and then thank you after the show. Is that right?

It's amazing. They're not too out of control. Not at all. It's a red state. It's a very red state, but they don't have an attitude about it. I love that. It's like a part of them. It's not them.

You know, you go to some states, and it's like, it's all they can talk about. And every word that comes out of your mouth, they're looking for what side you're on, you know? They don't give a fuck. They give a fuck about getting their drive, getting the snow off their driveway, cutting their fucking logs, getting a couple drinks in, you know, working their three jobs. Everybody's got like two-thirds of a job that they have three of, you know. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's, you know, that's what, that's why politics is bullshit kind of because it's all about surviving and trying to live a comfortable life.

And then we get polarized and divided. But, yeah, let me know about that, Fairbanks yet. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to send you up there. I'm going to talk to the guy today. I'm going to take a cruise ship there. Well, that's, I would do that. too because you can't get around Alaska on roads you know it's like a lot of that stuff you need to take they have little planes that take you everywhere so if you take a cruise ship you can stop in

juno and the anchorage and you know work your way up have you done that no I really want to but I I went to I think it was Fairbanks on Halloween I arrived on Halloween and it was so gorgeous the snow was falling it was about it was about 20 degrees and the guy greeted us and he said you hit his door in a heat wave it was I just remember it was gorgeous we drove around a little but it was not easy yeah but when you when you fly in and you look around it looks like no place you've ever seen before everything is enormous yes and ferocious looking right did you ever see Grizzly Man, the doc about a failed actor.

Oh, no, no, no, I didn't see that. Oh, you got to see it. Werner Herzog. Is this the one where the bear eats him at the end? Yeah. The bear eats him. Yeah. Not at the end, you kind of learn that.

But you see him interacting with it. It's sad, and I always found it. Is it a documentary or it's a... Yeah, Werner Herzog did a documentary called Grizzly Man, and the guy would call these ferocious bears thing like Mr. Chocolate and I'm just thinking I'm just thinking this is what

Hollywood does to you like he was he almost had the role that Woody Harrelson got for the Cheers bartender according to him and you know it drives you to live with polar bears and I get it

I get it I was very close to landing a principal role on this TV land show and instead of going to Alaska I went to peep world here's the gayest thing I've ever done in my life I me and my friend Anthony who was from Canada and he was this really good looking guy he was like a Leonardo DiCaprio looking guy and we're both in our 20s and we're in acting school in New York and we did this two year

acting program together. And I was doing stand-up, and so I said, I'm going to Montreal, and he goes, oh, let me come with you. He's from Toronto or something. So we go up to Montreal, and we go to some strip clubs, you know, literally the best strip clubs in the world. Oh, I've heard that. So we go to some strip clubs, and then we're all horned up, and so we go to one of these

peep shows, you know? But, you know, and we went in the booth next to each other. and the window open and we're looking at the woman but she's like really she's going at it with herself you know oh my god and uh and we both jerked off you know and then we came out and we were sleeping in a bed together at the hotel and we had both just come you know you was sleeping in a bed together you never slept in a bed with another guy in a hotel I no no I draw the line at blowing him. Take that, Anthony Newman.

I mean having fallatio with him. Yeah, yeah, that's wild, dude. Yeah, that's weird, right? Yeah, yeah. And it wouldn't be as weird if he wasn't such a good-looking guy. It would be, yeah, right? You know? Right.

Yeah, that is pretty funny. What's the gayest thing you've ever done? Well, again, I'm going to be brutally honest. I think I, when I, you know, sexually exploring. You know how you sexually explore at a certain age? Again, I was 46. No, I was a young kid. And I think me and my friend were comparing dicks, you know?

And that was, that was a club. You were what, like 13? yeah yeah around that age and I was like oh you know yeah look at this thing I have why is yours so much larger because it's hard but it was and then even younger no no no I was younger I was like in Brooklyn and I was like eight I'll never forget the guy's name because it was right on point Michael Weiner No shit. That was his name?

Yeah, and we took a bath together or something for no particular reason. And it was really weird because I think I remember my dad coming into the bathroom going, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, nothing. Nothing. We were just talking about, you know, hockey. Oh. Yeah.

He caught me off guard with those two stories. When you ask that kind of question to another guest, are they honest? Yeah. Comics tend to be honest. Well, they're honest. And also, I have a disarming quality where people tell me things they would never tell other people. That's true. Because I really look people in the eyes and I create a sense of intimacy, even though I'm judging from the inside.

Of course you are. Inside I'm going, ugh. What the fuck? God, hopefully this will get me more listeners. The title of the podcast is Pepitone's penis party. All right, here's this thing called Fastballs with Fits. Go ahead. Who would you want to play you in a movie?

Oh, it would have to be, oh, that's an interesting one. Like current day? Ernest Borgnan is dead. I don't like that when people think I look like that I've gotten like you look like Bert Young but I've also gotten you look like Bruce Willis you know oh right you better do this movie soon I have a wide range of ugly kind of good looking

right right but I don't know man I guess I don't know I think Bert Young is pretty good Bert Young people say but He was never a big actor. Oh, I guess if he were alive, Gandalfini. Wow. Yeah, I could see that. Like, as a comic, you know, not as violent.

Who has a gruff vulnerability? Giamatti does. Yeah. I definitely don't want Seth Myers playing me. Hard to Kytel? Kytel I like. Yeah. I like Kitell.

Yeah. All right, let's go with something like that. Who's the worst opener that ever opened for you on the road? Oh, God, there's been so many. It's amazing because if it's a Thursday to Saturday gig, and you see their set on Thursday, you're like, I'm going to work with this guy, five more shows. Yes, it's like you got.

And it's always picked by the club, not me. Right. And I'm like, I like the people in charge of the club a lot of times. And I'm like, what the fuck are they doing? Are they paying off a gambling debt? Or are they just trying to, like, shape these kids? But, man, I can't even remember. I just remember this one guy in San Francisco at the punchline.

It was so fucking bad. Yeah. That I was just like, oh, God. And I usually watch people's sets. But after set one and part of set two, I was like, I can't watch the rest of the weekend. I'm going to hit a vape pen. Right.

There's two types of people in the world. Go. Two types of people in the world. Those who have been loved when they were young, really young, and those who were weren't. Those who were criticized by their parents, those who were made scape. goats. So those are the two people in the world. People who were criticized and made scapegoats and didn't get love and then people who got loved. You can tell them right away too. I think so. I can tell

someone who was loved and they feel entitled to ask for their needs to be met, which is something I go like, wow, that must feel so good. Yeah. I always resent that actually. You know, and that's why a lot of times when I watch young kids be out of control. I don't like the kids. I'm like, come on, suck it up and realize you live in a horrific existence. And then I have deep compassion for some kids because I'm like, oh, God, these parents fucking suck. Yeah, yeah, I know.

That's why I'm against children. and you know people there should be some kind of you know we have exams to drive right yeah to have a license right yet any fucking pair of idiots can have a child are you as many as they want and as many are you fucking kidding me they should at least after one there should be a test right you get are you get one so we can kind of see what you're maybe maybe you've got some surprise skills we didn't see so let's try that and then after that we snip everything snip everything yeah yeah totally um have you ever joined any clubs in your life ah you know what's funny is that i am thinking of doing that now and it's i think it's really

funny vitello's is near me yeah in the valleys yeah oh you know it yeah wendy levin does a comedy show that yeah she used to yeah and uh it's so funny that's where robert blake shot no fucking wife no allegedly allegedly no he did and um they actually had a soup named after he used to go there constantly was it wife drop soup they write themselves folks they write themselves and that's why we do the podcast you don't have to work in a coal mine you could be a stand-up comedian and tour this country um no so he did it right in front of vitello's he went back into fattello's got the gun inside and said ah fuck i forgot my gun the worst defense i ever heard didn't he walk on that didn't he not be convicted yes yes yes yes which i don't

know how but but it was very funny too because he said because i know that place in the valley well he said there's a lot of gangs around here yeah it's one of the most she-she places yeah that little area like valley village oh so vitello this is funny I think I'm like thinking about doing this now with some of my extra money Vitello's has private clubs that you can be a member of where you can just hang out you know read a newspaper and like really really kind of comfortable surroundings, you know, you know, get special kind of menu thing. At the restaurant?

Yeah, at like back rooms that are pretty nice. So this is what happens? You inherit some money and now you want to join like a... But you know, I didn't pull the trigger on it. Do it, man. I'm thinking of it. Yes. I'm thinking of it.

And you just go there with a newspaper. I'm like, yeah, yeah. Or I asked him, hi, yes, his mind. my Wall Street Journal here. Yes, it is. We already laminated it. Thank you. They put that stick on the binding of it, like in the library.

Thank you, Jesper. And let me get the vegan mozzarella balls. They actually have a very good vegan menu there. Yeah. They do. But so I don't remember joining any other club. Like I wasn't a Boy Scout guy. You weren't a friar when you were in New York?

I wasn't a friar. I was a friar. I was a friar. You were a friar. That's where I met my wife. Oh, that's great. Yeah. How'd you like the friar experience?

Well, my father was a friar. My father was in radio in New York. Hell, he was. Yeah, you probably listened to him. I bet your parents listened to my dad. What was his name? He was on W&W. Bob Fitzsimmons.

No way. Yes, I did. Yep. Because my mother was always listening to William B. Williams. William B. Williams was the guy he went on after. I totally heard Bob Fitzsimmons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was your dad.

Because my mother was a huge Sinatra-Stra-Strazan person and W-N-A-W. Oh, yeah, they played Sinatra and Streisand and Tony Bennett and show tunes and, you know, Ella Fitzgerald and. Yeah, it was awesome. It was great. Dennis, there was another guy. Yeah, Dennis. Who was big there. Yeah.

Well, there was William B. Williams, Ted Brown, Gene Clavin. Gene Clavin. Yeah. And who was Dennis? So your dad was in radio? What were you going to say about that? So he was a member of the Friars Club because he was in the entertainment world. And so, you know, to join the club, you have to be in entertainment. Oh, okay. You have to be sponsored. And so I was sponsoring a friend of mine, Sarah Fearon, to join the club. So the night of her initiation, she brought her her friend, who is now my wife. And I talked to her. We were in the Milton Burrell room. And I talked to her for 20 minutes. And I said, to Sarah later that night, I said, I'm going to marry your friend someday.

Whoa. So three years later, I brought her to the Friars Club, and I proposed in the Milton Burrell room. That's awesome. Yeah. I've been together now 26 years. You obviously dated a lot in between. In between when I asked her out and getting married?

Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, the Friars Club had a lot of opportunities. She was the only woman who's 60 in the club. did you like besides being your wife which means it was a great win but did you um like the experience love the friars club i used to go there every day you what i used to go there every day for years i had rollerblades and i lived down on mulberry street in little italy and so i would go my acting school was on the west side in the fifties and you went to acting school i would rollerblade up to

acting school in the morning and it would last like three or four hours and then i would rollerblade over to the friars club which was on the east side holy and i would work out and i would take a steam and i would read the papers on these lazy boys that is amazing they had a gym and then they would always and then they had a billiards room they had two different tables and i would shoot pool and they would always put out at three o'clock they would put out these happy hour like tuna fish and egg salad with saltine crackers and that i was broke so that was my fucking meal that day oh my god how long were you it was like 22 that's awesome that's a great new york thing how long were you in 10 years that's great yeah have you been able to recreate

anything like that out here club wise because they have a friars out here they do but i tried it not that great no it didn't have the same vibe right the one in new york felt like a place that people went to to be a part of the club and the one in l.a felt like people were going to like make a deal oh okay yeah um but no my neighborhood is like a club we have very a very close neighborhood and we you told me at each other's houses we play beach volleyball on sundays we have poker nights and you know that is so fucking great venice we raised our kids together yeah right in venice that's so great yeah but anyway this isn't about me it should be it should be it should be I keep telling

Have you ever borrowed a lot of money? Yes I didn't take long Jesus Did you pay it back? To my dad No Yeah

Mm-mm Mm-mm To my dad I never did To other people Yes Yeah yeah Yes I did Did it ever change a relationship

Yeah Unfortunately I fucked up Yeah Yeah, I was such a fucking idiot back then, but I was like, you know, I was like De Niro. No, this is going to sound like I'm bragging, but did you ever see Mean Streets? Sure. And De Niro?

That was his first big role. He was Johnny, was he Johnny Sachs, but he was always like hustling. And I got a little like that in like a 30-year period of my life. No, it was like a 10-year. And you're very poor period where I was like, well, who can I hit up? Right, right. You know, and I had, I really put my fucking morals on the back burner, you know, but I eventually did pay everyone off. Yeah, but you can lose some friendships over that.

I did. Yeah. Terrible. All right, let's finish on an up note. What's the hackiest bit that you've ever done? Oh, God damn. Yeah. I do it.

What is the hackiest bit I ever done? I think when I first started out, I would put on a wig. Long, blonde hair. I'd put on a wig and be like, wake and I had a British accent. And to me, this was funny somehow, but I'd be screaming, I need a haircut. I need a haircut. You know, remember?

I'll tell you where I did that routine. Pips. Yeah, in Brooklyn. Brooklyn and Sheep's Head Bay. It's where it dice started. Yeah. Wow. Oh, that was a bad experience.

Bad experience. That club was so tough. It was connected to a gym, like a real muscle head gym. I don't even remember that. Yeah. All right, listen, Eddie Pepitone, if you want to go see him, look, if you like dark, honest comedy, and you love Elks. He's going to be at the Elks Lodge in Hood River, Oregon.

That's going to be November 7th and 8th. That's right. And then if you want to see him at Skank Fest, he'll be there November 15th and 16th. I'll be there. You will? Yeah. Awesome. Andy Laderman will be there.

That's right. Denver Comedy Underground, Great Club, December 5th and 6th. If you want to get tickets, you go to Eddie Pepitone.com. That's right. And then also. Oh, and also, yeah, let me talk about the new special. all. Yeah, we didn't talk about that at all, which was one of the purposes of me coming on, but hopefully. Well, I'm going to do an intro to the podcast, and I'll be plugging it on that.

So, yeah, I have a new special that I taped in Chicago last summer. Den Theater? No, it's called Lincoln Hall, which is mainly music venue, but I've performed there two or three times, and I taped a special there, Stephen Fine Arts Directing. Oh, yeah, okay. He just did Marin's doc, Are We Good? And he's done my specials and Maron's specials, a few other people's. Isn't this produced by Patton Oswald? And Patton is the executive producer. And I taped it in Chicago, and I'm proud of this one as well.

I don't get into, what's wild is I don't get into politics that much. I kind of explore, I call it the collapse. And it's going on YouTube November 11th. And basically, I mirror. society's collapse, this was before Trump got elected, through my own collapse. Like I just talk about my personal collapse on this. Yeah. Like I talk about. And it's about.

Like at which collapse? I feel like you're like the World Trade Center. Every 20 years, something happens again. Well, like I go on stage dancing and I for a while and then I stop. and I go, great. My Apple Watch is asking if I fell. And I start screaming at my Apple Watch. No Apple Watch. A fall isn't an event, one event.

It's a long descent into hell, Apple Watch. That's what a fall is. That's what you should be asked. It started when I was young and I go on and on about that shit. That's great. Yeah. I like your other special. You walk on stage and you said, I'm on Molly.

Yeah. You got to, most comics don't have a strong opener like that. No, they don't. And I got a lot of praise for that on Molly thing. And you know when I thought of that shit? I was, I was in the store just going, you know, I need a good opener. Yeah. And I just, every night I would try to think of one.

And I finally hit on. on that, you know, come out and grab them. That's great. And then go down like, hey, everybody. Like, after screaming, I'm on a moment. One of the devices that you use in your stand-up is you'll yell about something like it's the most outrageous, bourgeois, shitty thing. And then you'll go way down and go, now I'm on Zoloft.

Yes. I'm like, whatever you're yelling about you then admit to doing. Yeah. And then I even talk about that. I go, do you like how I'm modulating? folks i took a modulating workshop where i go high and then i go low and you plant your feet when you do a special you think well the the one i just watched you did not move your feet once oh that's you were like a tree god damn it you're right about that and uh i think i move more in this one yeah but yeah

well you're dancing obviously well at the beginning yeah but then once i i think because a special. You know, that's the one time, which is a pain in the ass, where I feel like I really got to nail this. It also makes it a lot easier on your editor because it's... Is that true? Yeah, you can cut in and out of jokes. You can have multiple takes and you can go in and out of the specific joke that you're doing and put in the better version of the punchline. Yeah. I didn't even think of that. Oh, my God, it's hard to edit somebody who's running around the stage. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I didn't think about that. Eddie Pepitone

Also he's got both feet in the door over at the comedy store You can see him there a lot Check that out And the podcast is Apocalypse soon Which he does once a week And Eddie, it is always such a pleasure

Thank you for being here Thanks for being my friend Thank you, Craig Always a pleasure Thank you.