Fitzdog Radio - Fahim Anwar - Episode 1086

Episode Date: February 12, 2025

One of the hottest comics in LA and around the country, from Rogan, Conan and Drunk History, this week I welcome Fahim Anwar. Follow Fahim Anwar on Instagram @fahimanwarWatch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMeAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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Hey, welcome to Fitts Dog Radio. It's me, I'm at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, California. Not a fan of Vegas, Nice hotel. Little too big. I get lost a lot and crowds are good. I'm at the Brad Garrett Club and it's very very well run. Cindy's taking good care of me. Working with Big J Hollingsworth who's an old friend. Big Irish J. And you know my wife's coming out for the weekend for Valentine's Day. That's gonna be nice. We'll chill out. We'll make sweet sweet love on that bed and oh it's gonna be sweet. Something about hotel sex. Let's not kid ourselves. Yeah, you just it's just more fun. I don't know why maybe because you're you know, you don't have to

think about kids coming home or whatever but um, it's fun Should I even talk about the super bowl or retired? I retired to the super bowl kendrick lamar blah blah blah are retired I retired to the Super Bowl. Kendrick Lamar blah blah blah Taylor Swift got booed blah blah I didn't like that I'm not a fan of Taylor Swift per se but that's cruel you know 70,000 people booing you that's just that's just it's not right as Kevin Meany would say that's not right. right as Kevin Meany would say that's not right. I've been so fucking burnt out.

I've been burnt out since August when I started promoting this special. I've been on the road nonstop touring with the new hour and I have not been home enough. I'm not recharging. This past week I missed two shows. I never ever missed shows. Monday night I was supposed to be at Largo with Nikki Glaser. It was a Judd Apatow's show. Fucking completely missed it. Got a text a half hour into the show saying where are you? And then Friday night I had a bunch of spots this weekend. I had like six spots in three nights.

And one of them was an eight o'clock show at the Laugh Factory. And I'm out to dinner in Venice with my wife and two friends. And then my phone rings and it's the manager of the Laugh Factory going, where are you? And I was like, fuck, twice in one week! And so I had to stop down, and now I'm doing a lot of meditation. Where's the book? I'm reading this really good book on meditation. I don't know, that's a bad sign that I can't find it. And it's called Thick Not Han is the author's name and it's about mindfulness and I gotta find my

mindfulness. Be here. Be doing this podcast right now. Feel my feet on the ground. If you're brushing your teeth, focus on brushing your teeth. Whatever activity you're doing, think of nothing else. And that will actually give you more time because then your mind isn't bouncing around not finishing thought. I don't know. Whatever. It worked. I felt good yesterday. I did it. And otherwise, just a lot of scrolling, lot of Instagram reels. I guess that's the, Instagram has like four different ways of sending out messages that I don't remember which is which, but all I know is this.

I'm scrolling reels and I'm snorting because I have snot, I still have leftover cold, and I'm snorting snot and all of a sudden I start to get a wave of sinus relief Videos, I'm not kidding you. I'm getting videos about being in Las Vegas I'm getting videos about Having an extra large penis. I don't know how it knows that. No, isn't that fucking weird though? It's sending me sinus stuff like it's a hearing me snort. This is fucking

crazy. We are so far gone. Anyway, I'm gonna get right to it today because I love my guests. Fahim Anwar is gonna be here in a minute. If you haven't gotten a Sunday Papers t-shirt, go to FitzDawgog.com you can get one that says take it each you can get one that says Sunday Papers they're only about 25 bucks which is pretty cheap. Tour dates coming up Fontana California stage red on February 22nd then I'll be at the Atlanta punchline March 6th through 8th. Hollywood Improv, St. Patty's Day show on March 15th. It will be a great lineup and also unbelievable musical guests to be announced later. Coming to Hamilton,

Hamilton, Ontario, Toronto, Pittsburgh, Boston, Escondido, Tampa, La Jolla. Go to FitzDog.com, get some tickets, come see the new hour. It's killing, if I do say so myself. And let's get to my guest. You've known him from films like Neighbors, Whiskey Tango, Foxtrot, Coffee. He was on Guy Cote on MTV. Chuck, he was in a sketch group called Goat Face Comedy that was pretty famous and they had a run on Comedy Central, I think it was. So anyway, he's got a one hour special, there's no business like show business. He's got another one called Promising Future Star. He's been on Conan, Superior Donuts. He's been on Rogan, he's been on Marin,

and he's been on this podcast before, but he's back. We had a great talk this week. I hope you enjoy it. This is Fahim Anwar. Fahim Anwar is my guest. He's drinking water. It's really good stuff. It's not bad, right? Yeah.

I mean, water is pretty amazing when you think about the things that we take for granted in life. Like water is life. I don't drink enough. I always hear you have to have like three giant spark, like gallons of, you know what I mean? As soon as I'll go like two days, I'm like, I haven't had water.

I always feel guilty. I'm not, yeah, I feel that I'm not drinking enough water. Is that new? Cause I feel like in the fifties, they didn't tell people to drink this much water. No, but there were water fountains. If you were white, there was water fountains everywhere. That's true. But if they open it up to other ethnicities... Yeah, now it's pretty much...

We can all do it, right? Everybody can go to a fountain. Well... You know, it depends who you ask. It depends on what state you're in. Yeah. But I think there'd be a hose for you. So more water faster.

Yeah, yes. Right. And showering. I mean, a hose, there's so many things. It's like two-in-one conditioner. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, it's sort of like a conditioner. These conditioner? Yeah. I don't do a two- one thing. I separate it. Yeah. But I do tresame. It's like a nickel and you get this giant thing of it and it's good.

So you're not like a bougie. You're not Metro sexual. No, there was a moment where like it was hip to be that. Yeah. I feel like it's fallen out. Well, now it's all about elk and like bow hunting and stuff. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not cool to be Metro. Oh my God. I forget Metro. I want to be homosexual. Like. Yeah. Yeah. It's not cool to be Metro. Oh my God. I forget Metro. I want to be homosexual. Like go all the way. Yes. You know Metro. That's when we were putting we were dipping our toe in the gate. Yeah. Remember. Right. I think all the metros from back of the day are just full on homo. Yes. That's probably true. I think most homo because I was just abbreviating homosexual but not in a bro way. You didn't say transsexual. Wait, that's okay though.

That's okay though, right? Wait, wait, trans is okay. Yes. Transsexual is not okay? Transsexual is okay. Okay. You know, when it's, the Y is what gets you into trouble.

Right. Like transmission. Yeah, transsexual-y. I think that's okay too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. You ever dressed up as a woman? I have. You have?

In elementary school. Halloween? No, we did a talent show. Me and my three friends, we did TLC. I forgot what song. Is this just me coming out as gay on a pod camera? Like that's a good deep memory that I've totally forgotten. We're going deep. Just the rest of the pod is just me coming out as gay on a podcast? Like that's a good deep memory that I've totally forgotten. We're going deep.

Just the rest of the pod is just me grappling with my sexuality. Yeah, yeah, I'll be in Vancouver this weekend doing shows. So I'll come out and see you on tour. I have to completely rewrite my act as a gay man now. Yeah. And I just catapult to stardom. The clothing's fine.

You already dressed like a gay guy. That's the highest compliment. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. And I just catapult to stardom. The clothing's fine, you already dress like a gay guy. That's the highest compliment. I don't have to take it. Yeah, you're right, okay. It's saying that you have a haircut like a gay guy or clothing like a gay guy. I have this theory, gay guy sounds abrasive. Yeah.

But it's really innocuous. And I think it's because tonally, it is reminiscent of the F, the bad word for gay men, which is, I don't wanna say it, but it's like baguette, but with an F. So gay guy has that ga ga. And so it gets grandfathered in to being offensive

when it's really not, but it's that ga ga sound that is knee jerk and like Pavlovian. But there's nothing wrong with gay guy. Yeah, it's the alliteration, the hard alliteration. It's the gah-gah that reminds people. Well, I think also saying guy at the end of almost anything isn't great. Like black, you can say a guy is black,

but if you say he's a black guy. What's wrong with guy? But then when I say man, it makes it seem like it's a homosexual with a briefcase. Like he's Don Draper. You're right. But he's just a guy. Actually, maybe Guy saw a fence,

because if you say that guy Tommy, he's a black. But if you say he's a black guy, then it's okay. Well, look, there's a hierarchy of offense. I think black's pretty bad, and then black guy is a little better. And black man is the best. Black dude. Dude is the best. Black Dude. Dude is good, right?

Dude is really good because it's a sign of acceptance and familiarity. Yeah. He's one of us. He's a dude. Dude, yeah, because Guy can be flippant. Yeah. But Dude is inclusive.

Right. Yeah, Black Man. What's funny to me is that all the really edgy comics that want to say like? Well, we can't say retarded anymore and they say that the baguette word It's ironic because they say it like like who they're talking about right? Yeah, but then but then the crazy thing is they if you're really ballsy if we really should be able saying say the n-word How come you always stop short of that if you're so ballsy because they don't want to get hurt. Yes Yeah

Say it say go all the way. Yeah, so your message to everybody else No, I'm saying it to the comics that are so proud of themselves. You're really it is so anti-wog It's like well, okay if then fucking Step up step up your game. That's a good point. They'll say, cunt. Sure, that's one. I feel like in the UK, that's not a big deal.

But for you two, that's- Well, that's why Ellen DeGeneres moved there. So she can just be? What the fuck? It's not even about saying it. It's just, they go, we embrace it. She can just be About saying it is just go we embrace it. Yeah, we love cunts. Yeah How's she gonna do in England? Great. I guess yeah, I mean, I don't know. What if she doesn't like it there. Where do you go? She's like in Sudan Well, whether or not she likes it

I think a lot of it has to do also with that little town in the English Highlands is into having a mega celebrity, you know? That'd be awesome. Do you think? What, to have, so like people love that a celebrity's in town, it's gotta be some novelty to that. Unless they like their little quaint town

and they don't like paparazzi and. The other thing too though,, isn't Ellen so famous? She's not really going to the Grove and interacting with a ton of people. So even if people don't like you, you're already in a castle. You're just looking out and you're like, they don't like me.

Right, right. That's the same everywhere. Yeah, she's not shopping at the green store. She's a hobnobbing. Yes, I don't know how much of a difference that makes. Yeah, I guess it depends on much of a difference that makes. Yeah. I guess it depends on if it's the kind of town that will then attract other celebrities and become like the new Santa Barbara.

Cultural hub. Yeah. Like an artistic hub. Yeah. But I don't have any love for the English anyway. I don't care what happens to them. It's kind of fun. Have you done shows up there?

Yeah. Stand up in London? Yeah. It's cool. I did it for a week, maybe years ago, that Soho theater. Yeah. It's kind of cool. The audience is a little interactive, right?

Not when I did it. No? No, it's because it was kind of like, they're like kind of theater going. Oh, okay. And then they all gear up for Edinburgh. Yes. That Edinburgh fringe.

It's everything. Yes, so they, you know how we do that whole, an hour a year since Louis did that thing, so everyone does that. They do that for Edinburgh. Yeah. But they're so storytelling based. So stylistically, it's interesting.

Yeah. Because I would do my hour, and then there was a woman who was doing hers after me, and it's her show gearing up for Edinburgh. And it's entertaining, but it cusps on one woman showy. And it's just a totally different animal. Well, I find that it's very different than us. The British comics that I've seen,

with the exception of like Jimmy Carr maybe, like they're so esoteric and they're so conceptual. It's always like a, it's, well, you know, my new hour is about how, you know, I take egg whites and I go to Sweden and then I interact with, you know, old Jewish women. It's like, why don't you just tell jokes? Yeah, my brain doesn't work that way.

I'm envious. It's like, it's totally different. I don't even know how to write that way. I don't even know how to connect this to that that and then there's a theme. You're right I just have observations collected over my little like little they're so short, right and then strung together into bits, right? I don't I don't have anything but people like that. That's why people like movies and yeah like stories Yeah, well Gary Goldman apparently has a new hour. That's amazing He's doing it at a theater in New York.

Well, you know, he did that, um, Depression, which was really great, but this goes even deeper, apparently. He's even more depressed. Yeah. This one... They have to kick the knife out of his hands. It's amazing. And then they spare razor blades in his belt,

and they have to pin him down. There's a belt in his teeth. And there's an encore where he tries to kill himself. They have to take his shoelaces out of his shoes. There can't be a balcony in the theater. There can't be. No. And then they automatically stream Ted Lasso afterwards just to cheer you up. To cheer you up.

It's like a party favor. Okay, that was heavy. Here's one season of Ted Lasso afterwards just to cheer you up. To cheer you up. Yeah. It's like a party favor, just, okay, that was heavy. Here's one season of Ted Lasso before you leave. Little palate cleanser, yeah. Like Ari hit me up to do his storyteller show and it's daunting to me to do 10 or 15 minutes of the story. Yeah. I feel like I could tell a story for maybe three minutes.

Right. Some people are just so good at doing that, spinning a yarn or, I don't know, I just don't compartmentalize that stuff in my mind that way. Yeah, I like it, but then after I've done it like four or five times on stage, there's something about telling a story

that I'm sick of telling that the audience doesn't dig it anymore. Like I need jokes that are like math. Like here's the setup, here's the turn, here's the punch line. Like I, cause then it's all about the timing and it's hard and stories are much more about like really connecting to the crowd

and taking them on a little ride. And I'm not always that vulnerable on stage. And you have to be in the mood. I suppose. Yeah. It's so funny how audiences could tell when you've fallen out of love with something. Yeah. So if you can't, if you don't believe it, they sniff it. They're like, why should I give a fuck?

Right. No, it's like a stripper who's like, you know, she's already turned 26. It's like, come on, you're not into this anymore. You're not even on cocaine anymore. She's driving and you go, I don't believe that. Not buying this. You just speak out this truth. Yeah, look, I'm a 50.

I don't buy any of this. I'm a 58 year old bald guy with bad breath and I get the sense you don't wanna be here right now. You're a secret shopper. They get fired after you get sensed it. They go, look, if Craig can sense it, you're not cutting the mustard anymore. Right, right.

I mean, the tits can be fake, but not the attitude. Yo, that's what I've thought about, because I have been to a strip club maybe like two, I always get dragged. I don't love strip clubs. You've gone twice in your life? Maybe twice, three times. It's always, I don't want to ruin the party,

so I'll like, if that's what they're doing, I'll go, I guess. So just observation wise, I think women think guys go to the strip clubs, because like, oh, they just wanna see tits, and it's not about that, because they come, you're sitting in a chair, and then they come and they talk to you and stuff, and I'm like, oh, that's what it is.

A lot of these guys have never talked to a woman this beautiful for this long. They've never asked them about their day before. So it's not even about the boobs, it's just like some hot girl saying like, oh so like you play Magic the Gathering? Yeah. Yeah, like different cards are more powerful than others.

Yeah, so like what kind of cards do you have? Like it's not even about tits. Yeah. So it's that, like men are going for that. And there's more women than guys in there, which means inevitably the guy, she'll say, would you like a dance? He gets to say to her, no, thank you. He gets to reject her. Yeah. Right. Right. He has his magic together. He's like, no, thank you. Come by another time. I said no, I said no. And then finally gets a dance and he's like, this is worth a lot of money. You're gonna want to keep that.

That's better than money. Right. Yeah, during Magic the Gathering. During Comic Con, that's what the strippers expect in Vegas. Just a lot of cards. Cards smell like ass. Oh my God, I was at this hotel. Where the hell was I?

This weekend. Jesus. Did you play Vegas? No. I was in three different cities and I can't remember, Raleigh, North Carolina was the last city I was in. And the hotel has like a little conference area connected to it.

And so I'm walking back from lunch and I see that there's like a line of nerds and there's like a card show going on. And so I went inside and it had like Pokemon cards and there's these dudes and I'm standing there next to them. And I mean the body odor, it wasn't just one guy, like a lot of them had really bad body odor. There's like Power Rangers of body odor, like with their powers combined.

Yeah. The card smell. But they had like really cool baseball cards. Like, you could get like a Pete Rose signed card, or like, you know, Reggie Jackson. And I was like, and they were like 70 bucks. I was like, I should buy a couple of cards. I was like, ah, I guess you're with a baseball card.

And you got protected and traveling, like they did in the case. Right, right, I get it. I get you with that. I can get you guys protected and traveling like things are the case. Right, right. Did you ever collect cards? A little bit. My brother would, so then I just kind of followed suit. Yeah. He had a Carl Jostremski card.

No. In like carbonite, you know? Yeah. Like Han Solo was buried in it. Right. He has it in that. It's so fucking thick. Yeah.

And there's screws and shit, you know? Right, right. I wonder how much that's worth now. But that's his prized possession. It's in a shoe box somewhere. I have some cards. I would collect basketball cards too and there was a moment where they would be really long.

It'd be vertical cards. It'd be like... Actual size. Kind of, it was like poster size. I don't think any of them are worth that much. Well, when I was starting out in Boston, you used to always have to drive the headliner to the gate, because they were all,

they all had DUIs and lost their licenses. So part of being an opener was not just having 10 minutes, but having a car. And so this is a guy named Mike Donovan, one of the best comics I've ever seen in my life. This guy's still up in Boston working. Just a constructionist, like really smart, and so I, but not social at all.

So I'd pick him up at his house and I would drive him from Boston down to Providence four nights in a row. It's like an hour. Oh man. Hour and 15 minutes. And so he'd get in the car and he'd nod at me. And then we would just,

he would put on sports on the radio and listen. And that was it. And so back and forth, backstages show nothing, nothing. So at the end of the night, it was usually at the end of the weekend, then they give you some gas money. So I dropped him off at his apartment on the last night and he goes, I want you to come inside. And I'm like, and he's a pothead.

So I was like, what does he think he's gonna get me high instead of giving me gas? So I go inside and I sit on his couch and then he goes into his bedroom and he comes out and he's got a stack of laminated baseball cards. He's a huge sports guy and he had file cabinets full of baseball cards, that was his thing. And so he gives them to me and I'm like,

what the fuck am I doing with baseball? So they sit in my apartment for years me and I'm like, what the fuck am I doing with baseball? So they sit in my apartment for years and then I put them in my aunt's basement on the Bronx in this chest and it sat there until she died and then I went down and I had to get rid of the chest and I open it up and I look at the cards. And four of the pages, which have about 12 on each page, are Mark McGuire rookie cards. But the year he gave them to me, Mark McGuire was a rookie. Nobody knew he was great yet.

So I'm like, this is fucking gold! So I go to the hobby store, and I show- Did you run? I ran. How much for all of them? In my bathrobe. And so he looks at them and he goes, he goes, oh, Mark McGuire.

He goes, if you had brought me these before the doping scandal, they'd probably be worth $200 each. He goes, now I'll give you 25 cents a card. I was like, no. They care that much? So I kept them, I was like, they care that much? That's why I kept him, I was like, fuck it. He's in my Mark McGuire cards.

Maybe it'll come back around once we get over steroids. I think so. I mean, I think Pete Rose has a shot of the Hall of Fame now. It's too bad he's dead, huh? It would have been nice to like, be alive for that. I know. Meanwhile, what's his name?

Otani? What? Otani or what? Otani Betts. No, what's his name? Otani? What? Otani or what? Otani Betts. No, that's his translator, too. Yeah. Yeah. Pete Rose should have had a translator.

No. You know what I mean? It's the greatest. I don't know, I don't know. It's like you're from Memphis. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Yeah, I think that's so weird. And then, you know,

who knows if Brett Favre will get into the Hall of Fame. Is it the dick stuff or what? Well there's the dick stuff, there's the fact that he you he's friends with the governor of the state and he used welfare money to build his daughter a gym for a volleyball team. I'm wondering because gambling on sports is very intertwined with the sport. Yeah. So there's bad juju with that, you know? So is that different than just, like, you know, embezzling money or whatever, whatever that is?

Obviously, it's not flattering, but it's not super connected with football. Right. So I wonder if he gets a pass. Maybe. I'm not condoning it, but. No, I mean, if you start judging football players and basketball players behavior nobody's getting in I mean Neil Brennan's joke about like I forgot who it was who was

In the news for like beating his girlfriend in the elevator. Yeah, and he goes these guys They're just getting hit in the head all the time. And he's like, I did football when I should have been doing life. You know what I mean? He just did football at the wrong time. It's like football, football, football. I should have done elevator instead of football. They just get confused. Right?

Yeah. They have to be maniacs 99% of their lives. And then it's like having a dog on with a bone on their nose. Right. Like it's a switch on their nose. Right. It's a switch you have to. Yeah. Me and my friend were at a college, Marymount College in New York and we were like maybe

19 and we were at some kind of a party on campus. And so we're walking back and then my friend gets into a beef with this guy, little Latino guy like nothing. And so he's about to square off with him and then somebody dives and he's like, dude, that's Hector Camacho. Wait, that name's familiar. Who was that?

Hector Macho Camacho. He was a light. A boxer? He was a featherweight, yeah. Geez. Yeah, he would have gotten killed. Yeah, well isn't that, I heard that they're weapons, like if you get in a fight and you're a boxer,

the penalty is greater than if you were a regular guy fighting. Because you know what you're doing. Right, like if you were to go to somebody at a party and really shit on him and humiliate him and he killed himself, like that's a different crime. Because my comedy is a weapon. It's a lethal weapon. Like our sarcasm is so great.

Right. That it's like having an AK-47. Use it responsibly. Right. Yeah. Use it only to stop crime. Right. Like what if you saw a guy ripping off a store 24, 7-Eleven, and you just said to him, nice

shirt, dude. He has a knife. What's wrong with it? It just totally disarms him. Yeah. And you just said to him, nice shirt, dude. He has a knife. What's wrong with it? It just totally disarms him. Yeah, right, right. It's no good? Yeah.

A little tight. Dude, you look pretty single. Yeah. I have some prospects. And that's enough time for another guy to choke him. That'd be pretty funny. Like he's on the force. He's a comedian, but he roasts people. It buys us enough time to neutralize the force. He's a comedian but he roasts people.

It buys us enough time to neutralize the situation. He's coming to us with chips. Nice shoes. What are you homeless? So you got a jumper on a building. Dude, you wouldn't jump. Your calves are so tiny. You probably couldn't.

So let's talk about an incident that happened recently with us. Oh. I don't even know how to get into this. Yeah, please. So I bought a new car. I got a Ford Mustang, and you knew how excited I was. Yeah.

I think you'd probably heard me talking about for sure. Yeah, buying it before I did. So I buy the car. It's a beautiful charcoal gray Mustang. It's sexy, but refined. It's not, doesn't have racing stripes on it. It's not beautiful charcoal gray Mustang. It's sexy, but refined. It doesn't have racing stripes on it. It's not red. I'm 58.

It's understated. It's understated. And so I'm telling you, I said, Fahim, I fucking got it. I got the car. And you were so excited, and you show it to me. So we went out to the parking lot,

and you go, let's go. Let's get inside. So we got inside the car, and then we sat there for a couple minutes, and I think I played the radio, and then I was like, all right, and then we got out. I gotta ask you, did you think I was gonna drive you around in the car?

Hmm. Good, good. No, I didn't. You didn't? I didn't think you were going to drive me around. I wouldn't be opposed to that. I was going to take your lead on it. But I was driving home and I said to myself,

oh my god, I should have taken him for a test drive. That's why he got in the car, not to look at the console. He wanted to see how it drove. It's almost like you have a Lamborghini getting like, you're like, pretty sweet console, huh? All right, take a deep, kach, kach, and you go, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr Wait, so you were not expecting to get driven around?

It wouldn't have been weird if you did. I was honestly completely just going off of whatever you were gonna do. Cause I saw the exterior, getting in, seeing the interior. I wasn't like, let's get this baby on the road. But if you did, I'd be like, okay. I think it would have taken our friendship to another level. For the next level, that's a good point.

Yeah. Because we only hang out when we see each other at the club. True, we've been on our feet. Yes. We've never been on wheels together. We've never sat in front of each other. I don't even know how you sit. This is the first time I've seen you sit.

No, we've done podcasts before. Oh, we've done podcasts before, yeah. And then maybe in the bucket seats at the store, we'll do a hello. Yeah. We'll be sitting like that. Right, right. But we've never had an engine. We've never had motor oil introduced, no relationship. No. We've never a hello. Yeah. We'll be sitting like that. Right, right. But we've never had an engine.

We've never had motor oil introduced into our relationship. No. Never had gasoline. Is it unleaded or is it 91? What is it? No, it's just unleaded. Hmm. Is 91 unleaded too?

It's just like a higher octane. It's unleaded also but it's got a higher octane. It's for like high performing cars. Mine's 91. No. Mine's. What kind of car do you have? It's a Tenayute A5. I got it wrapped recently. I'm very excited. You of car do you have? It's an Audi A5.

I got it wrapped recently. I'm very excited. You got it wrapped? Yeah, vinyl wrapped. But is that the whole body? It changes the whole color. Cause the color I wanted, it's white underneath and I'm leasing it and this is the second,

I got the same exact thing. I just like the body style. Audi's gonna change their body style. So I'm like, let me just lock it in before it changes to the one I hate. So it's white, but I've always wanted this color, Nardo gray, and Audi sells it, but it's only in the sport model.

So you have to pay 10 or 15 grand extra, but I just want the color. I don't need all the engine stuff. So my brain, I'm like, let me hack this situation. I have the regular white one, but then I got it vinyl wrapped, and you can get Nardo Grey. But can you return it like that,

or you have to reverse it? Take it off. You can take it off? You don't say anything. Yes. This isn't going anywhere, is it? No. These are fake, right?

This is like Fisher Price podcast cameras. Right. This isn't real? This is just to get us a talk, right? This is just like that car ride that I took with you. It's not real. Okay. Nothing's gonna really happen.

Thank God. So I'm gonna take it off before... Wow. You're allowed to do that. It's on the... See, you got that single money. You got that no kid money. I do think about that sometimes.

I bought my mom a car. I bought her a Lexus. And then... My mom lunch But I was a good that was like carving board. That's like a lot of turkey in there Yeah, yeah, you save one half. Yeah, so that was you're a good son, too But you bought your mom a car what kind of car with lunch in the car. Sorry She opened the door and there's lunch on the passenger seat. I'm just trying to one-up you your Yeah, I'm not gonna tell you what I do for my mom anymore because you're fucking me at every turn here.

She didn't even care about the car. She goes, oh lunch. She couldn't even notice the car. Yeah. She was just so zeroed in on the lunch. She was hungry. Oh lunch. See, I don't let my mom get that hungry. Yeah. Yeah, you're good that way. Yeah. So I was thinking because it was a big purchase and in the back of my mind I go, I think I was able to do this because I am single. And if you are dating someone and you are on the relationship escalator,

there would be some questioning like, what about our future? That's a lot of money. Like why that for her and not me? You know what I mean? Yeah. It would just be a little more baggage with a large purchase like that, whereas I don't have to think about that stuff. But I'm not. Until recently, both kids are home. The last 20 years has been I buy 12 meals a day.

A lot of meals. I pay for three cell phones. I pay for health insurance for four people. I pay rent for four people. I pay for four cars. Everyone's got a car. I pay everybody's insurance. Yeah.

Fucking adds up. And this is best case scenario. You know what I mean? Imagine you were divorced. It'd be like, come on. Oh, right, dude. This is ideal situation. Dude, divorce is just, you see guys go from really comfortable driving a nice car, all

of a sudden they're in like, you know that Toyota that looks like a golf cart? The Yaris. The Yaris! They're in a Yaris now! And they're in like a studio that's got stucco, and you park your car under the underhang of the stucco apartment. Yeah your car under the underhang yeah you just have to hide the fact that like both of you are lying to each other like yeah this is a cabinet and it's mine no one's on my case anymore it's a one

bedroom so I don't have to sleep in the kitchen thing so quick to clean up so It's a breeze, dude. I had her a maid, 50 bucks. We got a pool. Because the square footage is so. You'll get the pool is like eight feet long. It's communal laundry, but it's so cheap. It's a buck.

Dude, I meet everybody down there. Just fold their laundry. This place is great, huh? And the worst thing is that guy, when he had money and was married Oh girls were flirting with him with his a5. Yeah, and now like no woman wants to talk to him I wanted to show this is observation. I had I can't get it to work I tried it once but the concept was like I think the idea of cheating with a married guy

We time it for one second. Should this screen be dark Paul? Okay with a married guy. Wait, time out for one second. Should this screen be dark, Paul? That's all right. Okay. I'll fix it for you. Okay. Nice. So I think like the idea, like some girls will cheat with a married guy.

Yeah. And I think the idea of him leaving his family is what keeps that going. Yeah. That's why it's hot. Right. Because like, oh my God, like I could shatter his life

or in a matter of moments or whatever. That's what's exciting about it. So the idea of this guy's life blowing up or him leaving his wife is hot, but the reality of it would be gross because if the married guy is like, I did it, I loved her, I loved her for you, she'd be like, and now here's the divorced guy?

It's kind of gross. You live in an apartment. And it's a lot of pressure on her. And like I used to just get a little bit of you when you had free time, now I have's kind of gross. Right. You live in an apartment. And it's a lot of pressure on her. And I used to just get a little bit of you when you had free time. Now I have you all the time. Yeah. So the thing that she wants

when she's cheating with a married guy is actually not what she wants because it becomes gross. Yes. Because if the guy were to actually divorce his wife and she had this guy do him to herself, it would just be, ew, I thought it's what I wanted, but now that I see it, it's gross.

And he's like, what, I blew up my life for no reason? Well, it's a little bit like when I bought my Mustang, because I drove a Prius before that. That's quite the, that's like going from Democrat to Republican, that was a hard switch. Well, my kids finally grew up, and I'm not paying for my son's, well, I am paying for almost everything still,

but I felt a relief at a certain point, and I said, I've wanted a Mustang my whole life, I'm paying for almost everything still. But I felt a relief at a certain point. And I said, I've wanted a Mustang my whole life. I'm finally going to do it. And I bought it. And then I got fucking rammed from the side. $11,000 worth of damages, seven weeks repairing it. Luckily, the other guy's insurance paid it. But as soon as I got hit, my first feeling was I felt like that waitress that had been flirting with that married comedian I was just

like I shouldn't have done this but I mean what is it the whole rigmarole of getting it fixed and everything no it's just the feeling of I loved something material too much and I never have been a material person and that's kind of why I never got the car, is I never wanted to like, like to me it's about travel, we travel a lot with my family. We travel all over the world every year,

and obviously, you know, taking care of them. And so buying a fancy car just didn't fit that world view for me, you know? And then I did, and it was like see you got your priorities yes yes step outside yourself for once right and this is what happened right what did you do what did you drive before the a5 like a Honda no it was a Mazda 3 a 2007 Mazda 3, Stixxist. So I'm three. That's like what you get when you graduate college.

Yeah. Zoom, zoom, dude. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Watch yourself. Zoom, zoom. Because I didn't want to tell you I didn't want to Corolla because I had already had two of those prior. Yeah. And then a Civic. It's in the same boat. Oh. The Mazda 3 felt somewhat better, but it's all the same thing.

So I had the Mazda 3 for a long time. And then this was the Mustang for me. My A5 is like your Mustang. I really don't spend a lot of money on anything. I'm pretty frugal. Spend a lot on clothes. No, no, not even like JCPenney, dude. Really?

I swear to, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're always well dressed. People don't know tags and all that. JCPenney is such a, I don't work for them. It's just such a life hack. Yeah. Cause we do, we do okay. JCPenney is such a, I don't work for them, it's just such a life hack. Yeah. Cause we do, we do OT. It's always heavily discounted there, right?

Well, even if it's not, you feel like a Saudi prince in there. Like I'll take this rack. I don't even have to look at prices in there. It's amazing. Yeah. And it's all about fit. This is about fit and cut.

And like, yeah, that's fine. Do you tailor stuff once you buy it? No, I'm too lazy. I don't care that much. Right. I was talking about this the other day. Being on top of fashion is like day trading. I don't have the brain power for it.

I just don't care enough. I think in jokes and sketches, and I just want to dedicate my brain to that. I don't want to be like, okay, what bucket hat fits with this? Also, finding out that the bucket hat is what everybody's wearing this season. It's like, I don't want to wear what everybody's wearing this season. I don't want to be on the bleeding edge of fashion.

I just want to look socially acceptable for whatever the event is, or like, is this okay society? Right. That's it. Right. I just want to look okay enough. Who's the worst dressed comedian? There's probably a lot of them. I don't know, probably a young one, right?

Some of the young ones are really dressed. Because they don't have a lot of money. Eddie Pepitone could take it up a notch. That's true. He starts wearing tuxes. He was. He's doing an image. Isn't it funny when you see a comic do like a rebrand? Yeah.

I'll notice, we all notice it. Like you know what they've been wearing. And they go, okay. Right. You think no one's gonna know what you're doing up until this point? You know who did it? Rick Ingram, he opened for Chris Rock around the world

and all of a sudden he came back and he started wearing suits and he did it for like six months and all of a sudden back with the flannel shirt. Well he does it sometimes. Oh he does? It's kind of fun to dabble with. Yeah. All right, let's see how the act works with the suit.

It's little, only things that you would pick up on or I would pick up on as a performer when you're wearing the suit, it's so subtle. It's not like your act is completely different or the response like Because you're wearing a tie, but there is an air of authority. We're like, okay, this guy's a pro Well, if that's what you're going for like Seinfeld always said you should be dressing better than the best-dressed person in the audience Which is a lot of pressure because you go on the road What am I gonna do like wear this suit on the plane? I can't pack a suit and then steam it before the show.

So I think if you're a guy who's trying to be an everyman, then you're lucky, because then you get to dress like a slob. You're trying to be that guy. Right, like CBS sitcom guy. Yeah. You want to be like a Mike and Molly guy. Not even an expensive sweater. You want like a polyester sweater.

You want stains on it actually. Some stains. You know, you put the stains on, you buy it new and put the stains on. Look at the sticker. Yeah. And then, but I went through a shark skin suit phase for when I was in my early 30s.

For about four years I wore shark skin suits. Really? What does that look like? What does the shark skin look like? It was before Mad Men came out, For when I was in my early 30s for about four years. I wore sharks It was before Mad Men came out but it looked I look like John Hamm from Mad Men except not John Hamm You just go up there you would even talk for a little Yeah, I Always like when people play with audiences expectations where they just it's like kind of masturbatory where yeah performance art before they get in anything like yeah where it's kind of masturbatory, where it's performance art before they get in anything. Like, they introduce you, because you're just riding on potential at this point. It could be anything.

And you're like, whoa, this guy's unbothered. He's taking his time. He's getting another cigarette. Yep. Black comics are good at that. What, smoking on stage? Just taking their time. I do heroin. I get up there,

and then I have the searchable tubing, and I just go. Ha guys have an extra room in your house? Yeah, then I just doze off in the middle like that. You guys don't grit. And then two guys have to lift me off stage. But the funny thing is, like, people really did do cocaine before they went on stage, like, every show. That was like part of stand-up comedy.

In the late 70s and the early 80s with Robin Williams and those guys. So literally a line before they go up? Or just at the beginning of the night? In Boston, they used So literally a line before they go up? Oh my God. Or just at the beginning of the night? In Boston they used to have a thing where the comedians got paid in Coke. They would get a gram of Coke for a set in town.

And so they used to do it at the bar. They'd watch each other and they'd chop lines at the bar and they'd watch the show. And then one day the club owner was like, look, the cops are coming around, you guys can't do Coke at the bar anymore. And the comedians went on strike. Because guys can't do Coke at the bar anymore. And the comedians went on strike. Because they couldn't do Coke at the bar?

Yeah, so they let them do Coke at the bar again. That seems like a legal thing, and not like the club being, it's not like taking away health benefits. Well because the cops were friends with the comedians, so they used to come in, and this place called Nick's Comedy Stop was a mob joint, it was owned by these brothers, they were mob guys,

and then the cops would come in, and they would hang out, and they were friends with the mob guys, and the comedians were, they were kings, like comedy was so big in the 80s in Boston, that like, they were like the mayors of the town, and so they'd come in and they do whatever they want and the cops didn't give a shit. One time Don Gavin, a guy threw a beer bottle at Don Gavin and hit him in the chest and

then the bouncers threw him out, cops were in the back, cops cuffed the guy, Gavin does another 10 minutes and then he gets off stage, he walks back to the green room and the guy is in handcuffs in the green room and the cops are like take a couple of shots at him Donnie and so Don just a couple stomach punches. Well it's a comedy green room so he has chicken tenders and he bites and some mozzarella. What a time can you notice their demeanor what is it like performance wise when you do a line and demeanor? What is it like performance wise when you do a line and then hit the stage? Is it just a little more up?

I think it's very up, it's very aggressive. I mean, you saw Robin Williams, like any of those old tapes. Old footage of all the whole like zip zaps off into like extemporaneous. Yeah, I mean, I think it would be really good depending on your style of comedy. I think it would help me a lot,

because sometimes I look at a tape and I'm like, dude, you're asleep in act three here. You're mumbling. There's a fine line though, between that it is fun, that upbeat and all that, but it has to feel real for me at least. Because if it's upbeat and it feels too pushy, I don't like that artistically.

Where, okay, this person's like super animated. But if if if there's a disconnect between the reality of the room, like that person is too up for what the room is. Yeah. Then it feels weird. Yeah. I think in the 80s, comedy crowds were so new that they were. Just juice them up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It was just like an energy factory, you know? Yeah. I mean, Robin Williams, like if you really watch what he's doing, a lot of it's very uninteresting. It's you know? Yeah. I mean, Robin Williams, like, if you really watch what he's doing,

a lot of it's very uninteresting. It's just manic. Yeah, and then you almost feel one or two steps behind, so then it's kind of fun to try to keep up, and then you get one thing, and you like laugh. Right, right. Yeah, it is a little all over the place. I mean, some of the stuff he did was really amazing,

like his Carnegie Hall special, but a lot of it is, if you watch him enough, it's like the same four or five pretty stereotypical characters that he's doing, and it's just more of like his facility and changing characters. Well, so quick, I guess, you know, his mind is already that way,

and then Coke just amps it up. It's like that limitless drug. Yeah, have you done Coke? Never done Coke. Really? Yeah. Ah, I should try Coke. Should I?

Yeah, try it. What if this is like a real marker of before and after my career? So this is like Dylan going electric, you know? Like once I do Coke, cut to the next time we talk, so you sold out Madison Square Garden? I'm like, yeah. So say do him you sold out medicine square garden. I'm like Yeah, so it's a

Seven shows sold out crazy. I don't know. I just kind of like tapped into you know, what makes me funny I'm like you must be sleeping really well these days haven't slept in about a week Sleep with that I would want 10% if I I Were like I get to be your dealer Yeah, but now it's all risky. Hold a fentanyl. Yeah, I think it's so interesting how people that's how good coke is Where people put are putting on lab coats at a party and putting the coke through a centrifuge and yeah, it's good guys Yeah, yeah All of a sudden you're like Brian Cranston Yes, like the delinquents in high school and stuff who are doing all the drugs are now putting on, they're getting chemistry degrees.

Yeah. They have strips. They're running it through. They go, yep, alright. Yeah. It's all good everybody. Okay, now. Woo! Yeah. Yeah. I took some chemistry classes at the community college. We should all be fine. I think now it's about hallucinogens more so. Like shrooms? Yeah, it's all about shrooms now, you know.

Or DMT. I saw a guy at a party, we're just hanging out, it was like a hang, and then he did a DMT, he did a DMT pen, and then you just see them, it's too personal, it's like watching someone get a massage or something. Because they're at the party but not really anymore. Because we're all in the living room and then this guy's just in a chair like this.

Really? For like five minutes. And it's like watching a guy jerk off or something. Yeah, yeah. It's not a social. That's such a weird place to do it. Let's hit the DMT pen in the living room. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, it's not a weird place to do it. Let's hit the DMT pen in a living room. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah, it's not a social drug at all. Yeah, you disappear for a while. Yeah. For five minutes, and it feels like three lifetimes. Even pot, when I smoke pot at a party, I am useless. I can't riff, I can't listen to people because I'm in my own head thinking.

Yeah, same. Do you like it or you don't like it? I don't know. I smoked pot my whole life and then I quit. I got sober like many years ago, 30 something years ago. And then I started smoking pot again at 40, but just once in a while, like once in a blue moon. And then during the pandemic, I was eating it every night.

Just like, you know, it helped me relax, help me go to sleep. And then the pandemic ended and I haven't had any since then. So what are the circumstances? So you're 40, you're like, let me get back into it. What circumstances will you allow yourself to do it? How is it different than before? Where you go, okay, I wanna do it in this. Well, the night I started again, it was New Year's Eve,

and I was at the punchline in San Francisco, and I was standing in front with Brian Posein, Tony Kameen, Doug Benson. Remember they had the marijuana logs? Oh yeah. It was the cast of the marijuana logs. And they lit a joint, and they handed it to me and I was like, what am I?

Of course. And so that, and it was so funny, like I have such an addictive personality, like I haven't drank in 35 years. And like one night, I drank one night in 35 years. And I'm like that, if I start something, I'm gonna do it. So I started smoking pot and it started happening all the time.

And, but I think now I would do it, I would do it like with my mother. Yeah. I think I'd like to get high with my mother before she goes. Yeah. That's a good safeguard because it's not like you're gonna be jamming out.

Right. Five nights a week. Yeah. Your mom's like, I love this shit. I'll come home. Not you too, mom. All of a sudden she's headlining Madison Square Garden. Ever open for me?

Yeah, I go, don't do crowd work, okay? That's my thing when I come out, alright? There's a weed comic and then a coked out comic. That could be a fun show where there's five comics on the bill and you have to guess what drugs they're on. Oh, that's good. I like that. It's sort of like Clue. And if you guess right, you get all the drugs? You get all the drugs. You get a grab bag of all the drugs that were used today.

They're sponsors. Like this guy does our Coke. This guy does our shrooms. If you lose, you gotta drive the people home. No, you have to do all the drugs on the way out. Like it's a, let's call it a graveyard. When I was a kid with all the drugs on the way out. Like it's a, let's call it a graveyard, when I was a kid with all the sodas. Oh really? I think they call them suicides at other places. That's funny.

There used to be a soda machine in my friend's apartment building and we were like 10. And you know, you didn't, literally didn't even have change. And so we would take a knife and you could reach under, I don't know if you ever done this, but you used to be able to reach through the- The candy bars? Underneath and grab.

And so we would poke the soda can and we'd put a cup underneath it. That's next level. That's so dirt bag. Yeah. Knocking it off the spring, yeah, who hasn't done that? I used to do that. I used to be able to fish my hand and get a twix and yeah

Yeah, it's like everything on the bottom row, right, but I never that's almost Steve Jobs. You get hired at Apple Yeah, I think so so we couldn't get the cans Yeah, we pierced them with the knife and there was a secondary cup where we would catch the fluid. They'd be like Problem solvers this guy that'd be great. There's just a blue-collar Kind of problem solver at all these tech companies who think outside, like nerds can only think so far outside the box. But then you get some Boston guys.

No, my brother-in-law is unbelievable. He's completely dyslexic, like failed out of school, and he can fix anything. Like he came over my house, and he lives in New York but he came out to visit and whenever he comes out to visit it's like we got a list of shit for him to fix because that's how he likes to spend his time. And he just goes in there and we had this fountain that two different plumbers came and couldn't figure out. He took the whole thing apart, put it back together again, it worked. He's got a 72 Camaro that he took, not a Camaro, I forget what it is, it's an old car,

rebuilt the whole thing. He built a house, the house he lives in, he built with one other guy. He's unbelievable. I don't have any aptitude for that. I hire some guy. Yeah, I'm so embarrassed when a guy, sometimes I have two or three guys over my house

at the same time doing things I should be able to do myself. It's almost like hiring guys to do your wife or something. It just feels that way Right, this is whatever this is what a real man would do. Yeah, and then they're looking at your wife Well, they're screwed. Yeah. Hey, I don't like any of this. I hate to do the screwed right. Yeah. Yeah, just looking at your wife He's like, you know, I could have you right now, right? hey, I don't like any of this. I just pay you to do the screws right now. He's just looking at your wife. He's like, you know I could have you right now, right? Yeah, we had a guy who just did our gates. This is what I feel so bad about the fire, is like, there's 10,000 structures that need to be rebuilt.

I tried to get somebody to put a new gate on my fence. It took me three months. Oh, with all the red tape or what? No, just finding people that, the contractors are all busy. There's so much rebuilding and renovating in this city, there's not enough people to do it. Now you're gonna need crews for 10,000 new structures?

It's gonna take 10 years. Yeah. And meanwhile, let's get rid of all the people. Let's deport all the people that do most of the work. That's a good point, huh? Yeah. That's what we point, huh? Yeah. That's what we're gonna do. We're gonna get my son into construction.

Will he do it? Fuck yeah. He has no choice. He's gonna pay the rent. Yeah. At what age would you start charging your children rent if they lived in your house? We don't do that. It's a cultural thing.

Just growing up, I would notice the difference between my white friends, because my parents are from Afghanistan. My mom would love it if I lived at the house until I was like 50 or the, she tells me all the time, like move back. But I think in American culture. Yeah, because you're buying her a car. That's true, but she didn't know it at the time. She didn't know that this would pay off later.

There is this thing with American culture where it's like once you're, and they let them know too, like the baby's just been born, they're like don't get used to this, you're 18. Enjoy those titties while you can you gotta find your own milk It's always like adversarial. You just had a baby or like fucking the clock is ticking. Yeah, it's true. You're 18 You're out of here. All right, right bone your mom in the living room Like why did you have kids? Why do you hate your kids so much? When I was 18 I was fucking gone. I was gone. Yeah yeah and now you have no social skills. Well also it's harder to

do that now with the economy and kids can't get houses. Yeah. What do you do? I know. You're pretty much kicking them out to start fires. No I don't necessarily want them out. I just want them to have the skills to pay rent. I want them at a certain point to... How old are they? 24 and 20. My son is living on his own now. He's got an apartment with a friend. I was out when I graduated college.

Yeah, I never went back. I was working at Boeing in Long Beach. Oh, right. I was paying rent. Right. I was living with an engaged couple and that sucked. No. Because I lived at home my whole life, so I didn't know how to be an adult.

So I didn't really know how to do that stuff until I was 21. So it was like a two bedroom and you were in one bedroom? The girl and the guy were in one bedroom and I was in the other bedroom. And then I would come home from work with a Subway sandwich and they'd be canoodling on the couch. And I'd be like, oh, okay. And then I was eating on my bed in my room. And then my brother was visiting me one day

and I'm just venting. And he's like, why don't you move? And I'm like, oh yeah. I didn't even think, because I haven't been through life stuff before, I didn't even think I could move. So I go, oh yeah. So then I moved into a one bedroom.

But my first situation was just like a really bad, Craigslist deal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I was working on crashing, so we would shoot in New York in the summers. And so I went and I wasn't going to go, and at the last minute I decided to do it. And so there was no rentals available in New York. It was just like everything. I mean, you could get something for like $8,000.

So I ended up at the last minute, there was a two bedroom apartment with a bedroom open in it. And so I was like, fuck it, it's right in Williamsburg, right where we shoot. So I took it and I come in and it's like, the whole apartment is like half the size of the soundstage. It's a couple. And it's exactly what you said,

them canoodling, them cooking together. Like you're a ghost. And they just kept looking at me. And the bedroom didn't have a couch or a table. It was just a bed. And I would just stay in there. And then I'd see them coming in. And this went on for like five days. And then I finally found a place.

And I go, hey, listen, I know I signed up for like a month with you guys, but would it be cool if I moved out? They're like, yeah, we were kind of wondering. They were like, we went to your IMDB page. You've like, you have four Emmy awards. Why are you living with us? You just have your Emmys around your bed,

with a mattress on the floor. They're like, you come home every day and tell us about how you're producing an HBO show. Why the fuck? You probably thought you were just a crazy homeless guy. And they go, it's real? Because I'm sure they get that all the time.

It's like somebody having a bag like, I have an Oscar. Can you imagine sharing an apartment that big with a stranger? People do it all the time in New York. It's crazy what people are willing to put up with in New York I don't have a romance with that city like that. Yeah, I go there. I'm like, you don't have to live this way It's crazy. So if you never had a roommate since that first situation, yeah It's just I just I just knew oh, this is not for me. Yeah, and also I'm the type I like living alone I'm okay with my own thoughts. I don't need the TV on I don't need a roommate. I never live with a girl

No, yeah Really? Yeah, is that hard to finesse? I don't need the TV on. I don't need a roommate. You ever live with a girl? No, no. Really? Is that hard to finesse? It's hard for Finesse Mitchell to finesse. Whoa, deep cut. Inside baseball. That is unusual at your age.

Yeah. But I don't love that. I don't love jumping into... Because I feel like once you start living together, then you're making decisions based on convenience and not wanting to move than how you really feel. Yeah, that's true. I kind of want both keys to turn and then,

I feel like living together clouds things. And also culturally, it's easier for me not to do that. Like, you really don't do that in Afghan culture. Mm-hmm, right. It's very hard to explain some of these things to people who don't know that. Right. Because they'll take it as a slight,

but I'm just like, no, culturally, we don't really move in together super early. Yeah. And then also meeting the parents is such a last step thing. Whereas in American culture, you'll be dating a girl for a month, and be like, oh, my brother's getting married,

come to the wedding. You're like, what? That blows my mind. You don't meet the parents unless you're about to get married. My mom would never let me and my girlfriend at the time sleep in the same bedroom for three years. We were living together, and we'd go to visit her.

We couldn't stay in the same room. She's old school, dude. She's Catholic, yeah. So I remember you had a girlfriend once though, maybe you still do, and she, you guys had kind of an arranged schedule where it was like Sunday through Tuesday, she came and stayed with you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that still going on? No, no, no, no. Yeah, that's been over for a while. But that was kind of a happy medium where like I would pack a bag and then hang for the weekend sometimes Yeah, sometimes so that was like the solution to that and she was cool with that. Yeah. Well, apparently not that's not It's a it's a foolproof method man chicks have no problem with it

Chicks love comm problem with it. Chicks love total abandonment every Wednesday. Chicks love commuting every week and they love packing a bag. They love not being allowed to leave their stuff. If there's one thing women love, it's not having a drawer at your house. They love being on the move. They love feeling like Jason Bourne. Women love. Women love. Yeah, she's like, I need a stairwell.

I'm on Google map. Where are you? I'm in the apartment. So, that one lasted a while though. Yeah, maybe three years. Damn. Was she a nurse or something? No, she was a... did business affairs at Focus Features.

Oh. I'm getting way too granular. She was on the third floor. Like, why am I giving these details for no reason? You get out of the elevator, there's a spark that's cooler. You keep walking. Yeah, now. But then, yeah, then not that, so. Yeah, all right. So now you're walking. Yeah, now. But then, yeah, then not that.

So yeah. All right. So now you're single? Yeah. Well, ladies that are out there watching Fitts Dogg Radio. Yeah, do you have a lot of female listeners of Fitts Dogg Radio? We actually have quite a few. Interesting.

You're not right. You have more female kind of fans out there. Well, they're- You got that boyish thing going on in that jaw on yeah I'm boyish and I feel like I'm the sensitive to female needs yeah you're on while and out for 10 seasons I was on while after 10 seasons yeah well you were on what were you guys no no no I was that sure I was on guy code when it guy code didn't matter oh yeah and then it took off it's like the orgy finished up. You're like hey guys. Oh, yeah I have observations about guys. Yeah Yeah, that's I got on Chelsea lately at that time too. Oh, yeah

I think I wanted to get on Chelsea lately back in the day. Yeah, cuz you're young comic He's want to get on anything that is has exposure Yeah, but I knew it in my bones and I think Michael Cox knew it as well I don't have the personality for Chelsea lately. Yeah, cuz you have to like step on skulls to get a joke now That's why I don't love at midnight I did that one or two times as well any forum where it's just comics on a panel and It's and it's just fighting to put your lips on the comedy. T. Yeah, it's not my speed I just don't care enough. So I'll just disappear.

I'll just Homer Simpson into the bushes and let comics kill each other to get some line about Meghan Markle or whatever. Right. You know? So that's tough. Cause even if I did book Chelsea Lately, I wouldn't shine on it.

Yeah. I would just. There was one woman when she was on the show with me, I was like, all right, I'm not getting anything on today. And she was on the show with me I was like alright I'm not getting anything on today, and she was brutal Like step like you would set something up. Yeah, and then she would say a punch line. Yeah All right, it's time for fastballs with fits. Oh, I love it, okay

Who's the worst feature act that you've ever had open for you or opening act? Whoa, these are fastballs. You don't have to name the person. Worst feature? Yeah, you go on the road, you're in a small town. I don't, I mean, am I throwing people under the bus here? No, you don't have to say their name.

I don't know about a feature, I mean, I'm throwing people under the bus here. No, you don't have to say their name. I don't know about a feature. I had an MC recently that just was tough. Yeah. Yeah. Like it's almost, it was kind of a whole. Yes. So we're not starting from zero. Yes. We're starting from negative 10.

Right. Or negative 15. Right. Yeah, but I know how hard it is. So it's like, I'm not mad. It's like, hey, stuff happens sometimes. But it's really, you know, when I came up in Boston, the format was the headliner hosted the show,

because you need to start the show strong. It's so weird that you take the worst comedian on the show and give them the hardest spot where you're trying to get the audience, like, invested in the show. Yeah, but I mean, I feel like you're talking about showcase style, which is LA and New York have showcase style

where it's 10 minute sets, 15 minute sets. Yeah. And then, yeah, New York, they have a really seasoned guy as the MC. Yeah. LA, that's more of a novice. It's just like an introductory role as the MC. Right.

You don't treat it like that. But when you do a weekend on the road, isn't it typical ever, you don't have like a seasoned MC. No, but in Boston, the headliner would go up and he would do 10, 15 minutes, and then he'd bring up an act, and then he'd do a joke or two between acts, not always, but sometimes, and then he'd close the show

with another 15, 20 minutes. But that's, well, how much time is he doing then? He's 45. So he does 10 up top? Yeah do 10 or 15 like 15 up top 15 at the end and then another 10 mixed in. Oh yeah interesting. Yeah. So that's the only place that does it like that huh? Yep. Do they still do it that way? I don't know but it was tough because when you were coming up and you got on that show, you were following the headliner. Yeah, yeah, whoa. When you were the first act on, yeah. That's tough.

Yeah. Who do you want to give your eulogy? Oh man. Who do I want to do my eulogy? Probably a good friend, maybe Aristotle. He was on us now for a season. Oh really? Yeah, yeah.

I just know him forever. Uh-huh. Yeah. He knows the stories. We've come up together. We were living in studio apartments in Koreatown next door to each other. We've just been through the mud. So I feel like there's no better person than him to tell my story. I had this idea where you should figure this out ahead of time and then meet with the person and

have a writer's session and say, which stories are we doing? And let's punch them up a little bit. Yeah, I know what you're going to say. So I'm dead, my mom's there, friend's over here. How are you going to start? No, I don't like that. Yeah. Can I erase that from the whiteboard? Yeah. You got to write it as is then. Yeah. We're going to start with like heart of gold

and then we'll bridge into funny. Yes, and then we want tears. Tears. Wait till the end, I don't want early tears. Rookie mistake. It's like the check spot. They're crying, they can't process how great I am. Do that at the end.

Yeah, do my plugs. Do all the plugs, plug my dates. Plug my dates. Even though I'm dead. He'll be in heaven forever. Even though I'm dead, I still want my dates plugged. They're like honorary tickets. And then bring up my meme coin, which is going to launch when I'm dead. It's Faheen coin.

And you can get it now. And my casket's like a QR code. I never really did. Have you ever not finished a set? No, I'm a pro. I've heard that Larry David story where he goes up and he just looks at the crowd and he's like, no. Oh yeah, I've heard that.

And he just leaves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's cool. And he would leave early a lot too. Really? He'd walk off. Oh wow, okay, so you've seen, how many sets of his have you seen?

Online you can see a bunch of them. Yeah, like back at the Catch Rising Star in New York. Yeah, he was not a good comedian. Is it just because he was so temperamental or he would let the slightest thing get to him and veer off track? I don't think he- Because he's brilliant.

Yeah, but I don't think he did stand up long enough to have the command of the craft. I think he had funny ideas and they were paper ideas. They weren't performative ideas. So when they came out of his mouth, they were very like... Met with resistance or they don't get it. And then you don't know how to kind of and set the idea for the audience and be personable and hide the medicine in the jelly.

So there's moves. Sometimes you'll have a great idea like, you know, we have jokes that are in flux. I know that there's something here, but I don't have the language yet. I need to massage it. So maybe he didn't have the massage moves. Yes, he didn't have the massage moves. But he's great, dude, the show and all that stuff. Oh, no, I can't think of anybody in the history of television that has created as much A-plus

comedy. I mean, you just think about 10 years of Seinfeld and what, eight or nine seasons of Curb, and there's not an episode that I would not sit down and watch. I mean, crazy, funny, the characters, the jokes, and all simple, you know? Yeah, very relatable. Yeah. It's interesting how it doesn't translate to stand up or just remind you it's its own thing, it's its own art form.

Yeah, right. Have you left the set early? I got hit in the chest with an apple when I was hoping for They Might Be Giants. And I was like... This sounds like you're speaking at the moth. This is how you're starting. This is the theater, a giant theater and you hit the mic and you go, I got hit by an apple in the chest at a, we might be giants show. What a way to catwalk.

It was a, it was a, one of those spring festivals at Kent State University in Ohio. And it was just kegs and fraternities and so on. And nobody, they're there to see they might be giants. I'm up there bombing and then... Did you know the band? How did this happen? How did this booking come to be? I knew the band and they asked for me to come out and open for them. That has happened to me before too. Isn't it frustrating?

We're losing the tablecloth here. They can't know there's a table underneath. Cloth it! Yeah, yeah. You're a magician, you pull it off, you go, it's been a table this whole time. Like a very low stakes magician. Because bands will ask us occasionally, because they love comedy, there's a symbiotic relationship between music and standups. They love what we do, we love what they do. And they're like, oh, it'd be so cool to have a comedian, please open for us.

And if you don't know any better, you'll do the gig, which is what you do. I've done it before. And you just very quickly realize music and comedy are two very different spaces. Yes. And they don't want to see you. They don't know who you are. And emotionally, they are not in that state to listen. They're there to explode. They're there to explode.

And they're there to. It's nostalgic. Seeing music is nostalgic. You want to see these songs. You're not open to new ideas. And you're an impedance to see these songs. You're not open to new ideas. And you're an impedance to what they love. They don't know you're cosigned by the band. They don't really care. They just know you are not. We must be giants. So they're taking

out their aggression on you. Maybe it'd be a little better if the band was like, we love this guy. Would they do that? No, but you know what Amy Mann used to do is she would tour with a comedian, like Paul F. Tompkins would go with her a lot, Pat Nozwell would go with her, and she would have that, she didn't like talking to the crowd,

so she hired them to do that part. So they would say, the next song I'm gonna play is as if they were her, but they would also mix a lot of comedy in. So they would get up and talk, not every song, but a lot of the songs they'd get up and do comedy mixed in between. That's kind of brilliant. Also, I think her music is a little more suited for that. Yes.

Right? Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty smart. Delegate it. Alright, final question. Let's fix this cloth. Why can't we do this? Crazy. This is how you know we're stand up comedians. We can't even balance a tablecloth on a table.

I think there's a rat holding on to the other edge of the tablecloth. No matter how far we pull it over, it keeps going. It's like a trick handle. Yeah. Oh my god. It's like Andy Dick's pants at a rap party All right, what's the hackiest bit you've ever done? Oh

Maybe a year to win I don't know the exact I did one of those things where there's like devices, comedy devices, one of those like if you're not raising your hand, you are that guy. Like one of those things. Anybody blah blah blah. If you're not raising your hand, you are that guy. Something like that. I think another one too is when we were in Iraq for that war, you know? You're losing track, so many.

The 2.0 or the original? They blend together. Yeah. I'd be like, oh, my brother, he's overseas, he's fighting overseas, let's give it up. Everyone's like, yeah. I go, yeah, he blew up two US tanks, and. And I'm like, too late, you already clapped for him and then I would start

like pop locking his shit. Dude that's not hacking at all that's a great joke. I wonder if you asked me that on the last one? I wonder if you asked me this because I might have said the same exact shit. No I don't know but that bit's great I've seen you do that bit. No that's like a long long time ago. You sure? I think it's a little. Oh then maybe you did that bit. No, that's like a long, long time ago. You sure? I think it's a little hacky.

Oh, then maybe you did say it on this before, because I definitely heard it. Yeah. I think it's the hackiest bit I ever did. I used to talk about in Boston, I was such a... I hated fraternities, but I was kind of fratty in the sense that like I hung out with a bunch of white dudes. We drank a lot. We were really into chicks. And so I had this joke about, you know, you get lost in Boston and it's like... and then you talk to a fat guy. How do I get to the Prudential Building? Well, you take a right at the Dunkin' Donuts,

then make a left at TGI Fridays, pass Wendy. Or you ask a jappy chick and she's like, well, you make a right at Bloomingdale? It was like so, it was like my first joke. But like, I didn't give up. Like five different stereotypical characters telling you where to go yes like we get the recipe of the joke Greg you don't have to keep and that is the back of the day when it was like Jewish

American princess yeah yeah yeah right is that not a term anymore no I heard I was like you I know what he's talking about. Let's clarify here though. Oh Oh, you thought it's Jeff No, I know the difference, but I know the two terms. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll do a solid here Right. Thank you American princess This is gay guy all over again. What's the difference between a Jewish American princess and a Mexican American princess? This is a joke. Yep American princess and a Mexican American princess. Is this a joke? Yep.

Uh, what? The Mexican American princess has fake jewelry but real orgasms. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Fahim Anwar will be coming to you doing his stand up comedy. One of the best.

Come on. One of the best working today. Vancouver, Dallas, Seattle, Portland, Boston. working today Vancouver Dallas Seattle Portland Boston you can say how did you do that? I'll take your heck is joke and I'll do it I'm gonna I'll buy it off you the District of Columbia which I guess they can't call it that anymore because they just shipped them all back oh so what's gonna be called I don't know the District of America America America. Just slap America on everything. The district of the Gulf of America, the district of

America. America fries. Yeah they get greedy America America. Is America squared? Every TV show has to have the word America in it. American Seinfeld. Yeah all right man thank you. Thank you for having me. I'll see you on the road, guys.