Fitzdog Radio - Francisco Ramos Is Single Again... Here's What Happened | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: July 8, 2026

Francisco Ramos returns to FitzDog Radio for one of our funniest conversations yet. We get into Francisco's recent divorce, dating again for the first time in years, life at the Comedy Store, directing films, his new stand-up special Still Learning, and why he still isn't using dating apps. We also dive into Venezuela's political turmoil, the World Cup, AI taking over the world, gay bars, comedy club stories, and Greg's signature Fastballs. Check out Francisco's new stand-up special Still Learning, available now, and find his upcoming tour dates at FranciscoERamos.com. If you enjoyed this episode, subscribe for new FitzDog Radio episodes every week. #GregFitzsimmons #FranciscoRamos #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #ComedyStore #Divorce #Dating #WorldCup #Venezuela #FitzDogRadio This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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today and we'll get to that in a minute, but right now I want to talk about the World Cup is going on. I have been betting a lot, and we'll talk about that in a minute, but really watching way too much soccer. And I made fun of soccer on social media, and I realized that it's actually maybe the best playoffs. We're in the playoffs at this point. It's so exciting. And we go to Penmar, which is our local golf course, and they have huge screen TVs, and literally like a thousand people show up to watch the U.S. game. And it's a lot of fun. So I hope you're enjoying some good soccer.

Fourth of July was fun, went down to the Coliseum, and they had a big concert. It was the America 250-something, whatever California's version of it was. smashing pumpkins Chris Stapleton How about Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Stole the show She came out

She's 73 years old She came out in this Sequin gown And made an entrance And not just the gay guys Everybody was going crazy And we just Oh my God, it was so much fun

And then they had a firework show And there was a lot of like Hot Chesh and cowboy outfits with the boots and a short denim short. And I'm with my wife and this other couple were friends with. And the other couple, the woman goes, I saw you. I saw you looking at her. I was like, yeah.

What did she want me to do? What did that woman want me a 60-year-old, infertile, wrinkled guy to do? But look at her legs and enjoy them. Right? Anyway, so the concert was great. It was really weird. It was sponsored by Coke. And so then they came out and they sang, they brought out this drum line and they sang, I'd like to buy the world of Coke. Remember that commercial from the 70s? And it flopped. It was like people were so bummed out. It was so commercial and corporate and lame. And then I got up after they finished. And I started chanting Coca-Cola, Coca-Cola, Coca-Cola, and like nobody joined in with me, but they all started laughing. And the people that sang the song felt kind of embarrassed because we were right next to the state. Anyway, I don't have a lot to say today.

We got a pack show. We had a lot of fun with my guest just now. Let's bring him out. He is, oh, I gave his tour dates already. I gave his tour dates already. So, unless I have a lot of other. credits. I have other credit of his. Oh, no, I know what I got to tell you about. I was talking about the World Cup. If you want to get so much more excitement out of it than you already are, Kalshi. Do I need

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Unbelievable. Go to Tempomeels.com slash Fitzdog. That's TempoMeals.com slash Fitzdog. For 60% off your first box. Tempo Meals.com slash Fitzdog rules and restrictions may apply. Okay. Let's get to it. My guest today, what has he been on? He's been on a bunch of stuff. He was on top 10 finalists on last comic standing. He was on shameless. He was on Lady Dynamite at midnight. Jimmy came alive a bunch of times. Super talented guy. We had a really nice talk just now. Please welcome. Francisco. Ramos. My guest today is the great Francisco Ramos. Nice, I like that. He rolled those R.

Well, you really do. You're an R roller. I do, I do. Yeah. I mean, because people like it. I mean, I think people expect it sometimes. They love it. For me to roll the R's.

Yeah. When you roll an R, it's really like, it's like when you watch a newscaster. And, you know, they're totally white bread. Ohio and then they get to Nicaragua Yeah because now we're going to talk about

Colombia It's like all right Which I've Some friends do that to me too When they're like When they sometimes they want to Or like They want to prove to me

That they know a little bit of Spanish They go like Hey Francisco Do you want some tortillas I was like All right You can just say tortilla Like we're not

What are you doing? It's like okay It's like me talking with my American accent And be like Hey Paul How were you? Yeah. Like, I'm not going to be like, you know.

Well, I think it's true with black people, too. I definitely, I do a little bit of black speak. Oh, yeah? Well, I've written on a lot of black shows in my life. That's sort of like my niche for some reason. That's your niche. I mean, I've written on TV shows for like 20 years, but like most of them are black. Okay.

And I'm not, I don't like rap. Yeah. I don't know a lot of black lingo. Like, Neil Brennan, like, is like a black guy in a white boy. Yeah. Yeah, he's definitely... But I'm a white guy in a white body. But for some reason, like, it works,

but I do find myself, like, starting to talk a little bit black. Do you... Was it called code switch? Is that what it's called? I think that's what it's called when you... When you're hanging out with it and you code switch. Yeah. You go a little more like, what's that, bro?

Right. Like, you know, like that. But you don't say that, like, that's all you say. You switch your rhythm or... Well, also, what I don't... I don't hang out with my kids. kids when I'm working on a black show. Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see me like, hey, guys, we're going to see me for two months. Yeah, I've got to get a pack of smokes. I'm getting some Newport Menthol. I'll see you guys in a month. Do you feel like you do that with gay people at all? With gay people? Yeah, do you code switch with gay guys?

I don't, I think I, I tried to talk stuff that maybe they're going to like, like like yeah so I go like drag race or stuff like that like you know little things like that or fashion I don't know like buckle your jeans a little bit like him in the eyes dude what's better than a gay guy flirting with you

I love it it's it's actually I remember the first time when I've moved to LA I didn't know like West Hollywood was like the like the gay bar area what I had no idea I mean I grew up in DC and I moved here I didn't know that was a thing Jesus. You were a real ruby coming off the Greyhound, huh?

Yeah, somebody... Woods with all the gay guys around here. Somebody, somebody's saying, hey, kid, you want to be a big star? You go to West Hollywood. I was like, all right. Yeah. And then I walked, but remember I walked to like, gay bar, they didn't know what... And then, like, I felt the first time I felt like, I guess, like, what a woman feels every day, like, to get hit on and to be looked on and to be like...

And I felt like, ew, like, I just like, I just want to have a drink. Just want to dance. It's like, and these guys are just like, hey, you know, because it does get, they pressure. Well, that's a different kind of. They're still man. They're still men. So they're still going to, like, hit on you, you know what I mean? No, I met more in like a low-key flirtation for the guy.

Because the truth is, women don't hit on me anymore at all, you know. Like, not even like a little, like. No. My wife doesn't even hit on me. Oh, wow, no. It's already, well, it's already ingrained in the relationship, right? Like, after a certain point, like, do you still get a flirt? No, actually, I'm just saying that because it's kind of a trite stereotype to say that.

Now, me and my wife still flirt. Yeah. You know, we do baby talk. Oh, okay. And we shit our pants in front of each other. I know. You need me. Like, you're really method.

We go all in. We'll go in. You wear diapers, drilling. Like, nobody does anything. I breastfeater. But, no, like, I mean when a gay guy is like, you're at a party. And he just kind of, you notice he's giving you more attention. Yeah.

And then they'll make a little joke about, like, you know you want it. And then you go, I don't want it. Yeah, like they're like little footsie, like a little plain. Like, hey. Yeah, yeah. And that's, I mean, I feel like, hey, at least, at least you still, you know, that you have some, that as a person, that if a man, they're still hitting on you, that you still got it. Because women aren't. And, like, I mean, you see it, right?

I'm not hard on the eyes, right? No, no. You're like, yeah. I mean, if you're really, like, especially with the baby talk, I can see it. Yeah. I can, like, I really, like, it really gets me going. If I, if I picture you, it's like, hey, I think I shed my pants. When I'm in the high chair with a bib, dude, you would lose it.

I'd kick my leg. Here comes the plane. But it's your cock. Here comes the cock. It's a cargo cock. It's a military plane. Don't forget to punch the balls, a little punching bag. But no, who's your best gay friend?

My best gay friend. I guess I would say, like Justin Marnedale. Justin is the Justin flirts so Justin doesn't try to flirt but he is so his sexuality is right on his surface

yeah it's on his hair actually yeah his coiff hair you kind of have the same hair yeah yeah yeah no but his is more yeah yeah yeah mine is I think it's more I think his is more gay because it's more like like you could tell like he's like

like I feel like he becomes it and like dries it and I lost all that stuff I just put some water and some pomate. Sounds like you think a lot about his hair. Like that was a lot of detail. Well, no, because every time I see it, he has a coiff of a hair. He talks about it. And his skin is really exfoliated.

That is true, yeah. You know, it's soft. Hey, he's merry. Take your hands off. Is he? Yeah, he is. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, he's married.

To a guy? Yeah. Wow, he's a, he's too a favorite. 55-year-old woman, his beard. One of my best friends was married to a woman, and then he came out of the closet when he was about 50. Wow. So I asked somebody that, because I was doing a show,

some guy did that said something like that, and I asked him, like, but you were always gay, right? And he was like, yeah. I was like, so it's like they hold on. Like he was married, but he was gay? Same thing. He was like married in like 20, 30 years. Then he got divorced, and then he, you know,

came out of the closet. So I asked the guy, but like, you were always. like, yeah, like, since you were little, right? He's like, yeah, yeah. So he just did it probably Catholic. A lot of Catholics doing. That Catholic guilt, man. Yeah.

I got you going. That was my friend was Kevin Meaney, you know, the comedian. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he ended up, we grew up two towns away, one town away from each other in New York, in the suburbs. Oh, okay. And he ended up marrying my next door neighbor. They're both very Catholic. Okay.

And they actually had a kid together, so I don't know what the hell he was fantasizing about when he was banging her, you know? But I think at that point, you're still a guy, right? Even if you're a gay, you still get a well, I still got, like he's still kind of... Well, could you with a guy? No. You said that too fast. I know, I did it.

I called myself. Let's take that back. All right. No. No. He was like an eight-year-old. No, coot-dee. Circle, circle, dot, dot.

I got the cootie shot. But like, do you, now, do you treat him the same? He's dead. Oh, okay. Yeah. So I treat him different. I don't call him as much. No, wow.

I wonder if his number still works. Is it more of, is he switched it to a gay number? You think it's still, hold on, I'm going to try it. Is it a White-800 now? I've got his daughter's number. You got his daughter's number. Oh, wait, no, here it is. Here it is.

I never called the dead guy's number. before. Wait, oh, so he's really dead. Oh, yeah, he's dead. Oh, I thought you were saying, like, he was dead to you because he was gay. Ah! I felt that. Oh, he's like, oh, my God.

He's dead to me. That's what I thought it was. Oh, so he did pass away. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. He had a heart attack and died. Yeah. Like when he came out.

No, he was out for like 10 years. No, everybody else had a heart attack when he came out. His wife had a heart attack. No, he came out slowly in a way because... Slowly. How do you go out slowly? It's like the handsome grotto approach. He starts leaving like dildos thrown around and just like, I don't know who that one at, but I'll take it.

A couple websites that aren't gay, but like Swiss fashion. That seems a weird interest. and so he was in a Broadway musical, hairspray. He was on it? He was in it. Oh, well, I mean, and that was before he came out? Well, he went to cooking school for college.

I mean, that's a little gay. No, because, I mean, that was a guy who died, too, who killed himself. Anthony Bourdain? Yeah, he was a chef and he was like, not gay. Who's not gay? Yeah. Like, he was very manly, like, broccoli, like, rock. No, I mean, most of these famous chefs are straight.

Yeah. You know, he went to cooking school and then his whole act, but, you know, was like doing his mother's voice. That's not right walking around with tight pants. We're big pants, people. Okay. It's like Louis Anderson. Yes. Where he would.

Jim Gaffigan. Jim Gaffigan. But Jeff Gaff is not gay. Nobody does that. voice. Oh, okay. He does that voice of like his mother kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But anyway, so then he was on Broadway and then he met a guy and then he left the wife. And then he actually had a very healthy relationship with the guy. He was young. He looked like you. Oh. He was like a much younger guy. And they had a great relationship and, you know, he bonded with his daughter. That's cool.

Yeah. So at least he got to enjoy his coming out. Yes. That's what I was going to ask because, you know, if he just, like, he's, like, he's came out and died right away. No, and then his wife took her a minute, but then she came around and they were very close. That's cool. Right to the end, yeah.

That's great. So I guess, you know, so it was good. At least he, I mean, for him that he discovered his or let his truth out. Well, yeah, you think about the times he was a child in, you know, in the 60s and 70s. It was very difficult, you know. Yeah. And then, you know, all of a sudden it's the 90s and he's in a, you know, He's in a musical where most of the men are gay and they're in healthy relationships with other men.

And he'd never seen that modeled before. He's like, well, I can't happen. Like, I can't actually, you know, it's real. So Justin's married. Have you met his husband? Yeah, yeah. He brings him to the comedy store once in a while. What's he like?

He's smaller. Same kind of hair, coiff hair, you know. Right. It's like a mini, actually they look kind of similar. Yeah. So it's like a smaller version of Justin. But it's really nice. Yeah.

That's interesting. We get a smaller version of yourself as a gay man. Because you can't really do that with a woman, but with a guy. No. I feel like gay guys start to look more and more like each other, the more they date. The hair starts to become the same. Yes. The fashion becomes the same.

Yes, yes, yes. They wear the same shorts and earrings and stuff. Well, I would date a guy my size so that we could exchange clothing. Of course. That's a good idea. Yeah. You're buying. Yeah.

Or you're saving on clothes. You can just twitch, you know. Mix and match. You miss something. You go for vacation. Yeah. You forgot something. You got it.

You pack one bag instead of two. Yeah. And you just alternate the outfits. That's good. I love it. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. Then you have sex?

In the clothes? We're out of the clothes. Oh, you're out of. Okay. You guys are having sex all the time. It's the greatest. That is true. That's that's one thing that they just, you know.

Like, that's one thing that I would, like with Justin, like a little. like I'll learn more like you know there's things like like the whole like grinder stuff to me that's like yeah it is like I'll meet you like in the corner like in 15 minutes and that's it yeah it usually it actually uses GPS to find the closest gay guy to you really yeah oh my god it was the first dating app really it was before tinder oh really yeah so that's how tinder started yes they saw all these gay guys hooking up and they were like we got to get some we got to get the women involved And but the thing is with Grindr was like, all right, who was the closest guy?

And with Tinder, it was like, all right, for women, it was like, all right, how do, you know, like, I don't want the closest guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Guys wanted the closest woman, but wouldn't want a little space. Of course. And also women are not like, let's just fuck. Like, they're like, hey, let's. Have you been on the day? Because I know you're newly divorced.

Can we talk about that a little bit? Yeah, of course. So coming out of that, how long did you wait to start dating and how has it been? Because it's been about six months. Yeah. So I actually haven't going on dates and stuff. I'm still kind of like doing my own thing. So I'm not like if I'm not in dating apps or something like that.

Like if something comes up, I meet a girl. I'm like, oh, she's cool. Like I'll go out with her. But like it hasn't happened yet. So I'm just still kind of like. It hasn't happened yet. No. Not to meet like a girl that's like, all right, I'm going to like take my time.

and take her out, you know. So, and your wife dumped you, right? Yeah, yeah. Well, she's, yeah, she decided to think. But then, but now I'm decided. Now I'm the one who filed the papers. So I think. A little after the fact, isn't it?

Well, but in record. Yeah, you might have left me, but here's some paperwork. Hey, on record, if people die and they're like, who filed, you know, it's going to be me. Just wanted to keep things. for the Wikipedia file. Did you serve her? Or how did you did? I served her, yeah.

Who served her like was a messenger? No, a buddy of mine. No way! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is like, but I pick a buddy that they knew each other, but they weren't like really friendly. So I was like, hey, just meet up, here it is, you know. He called her and said, let's meet up.

Yeah, yeah. He didn't, he didn't like surprise her in the gym. No, no, no, no. She's on the treadmill. You're sure. You're sure. So it was a friendly served? A friendly served.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was like, it was like a gay guy, actually. No, I'm kidding. You're served. But, no, it was my, yeah, it was, I told her, hey, you know, you talk to each other and you meet up wherever, you know, like that, you know. Yeah. Because it was very, at least our thing has been very friendly, I'm a cabol, you know, all that stuff.

Well, yeah, there's no kids involved. That helps a lot. No, that's, yeah. And then is there money changing hands? No, no, no, not really. We're just keeping our own stuff. So it's been very like, which is also like it's crazy how like I feel like divorce is so like it's to us. It's going to be very simple and it's still so hard to go through the whole.

It is. Like it takes so long and I'm like, I'm going like, this is such as like a scam. Like it should be very easy to get divorced and very hard to get married. Yeah, right. Getting married is easy. Because that's the business. Because who loses money if people don't get married? the churches, the wedding planners,

their hotels, and then when they get divorced, the courts, the lawyers. So it's like, it's this whole thing. So it's like, they make it so easy to get married and so hard to get divorced, which is nuts. Interesting. It's a whole scam. I've heard people say the only reason we don't get married

is we don't want to go through all the paperwork. Yeah. And then people that stay married because they don't want to go through all the divorce stuff. Right. You know, because I met people that are like, or talk to friends that are like, you know, I'm going through this stuff and they're like,

they're not saying it, but they're going like, if I could, I would get, you know, I would have, but it's too much. I already got the kid. Dude, I got friends that are like that. Yeah, like, which is like, I'm going like, that's kind of sad too, because I'm like, like, Kevin, you know, like he divorced and found his, you know, true love and all that stuff. It's like, at least don't you want to do that for like the last 10, 20 years of your life? Right, right. Yeah, marriage is funny because it really is, I believe, the family. foundation of it is a great friendship.

Like, you know, I mean, in my marriage anyway, I look forward to seeing her. My kids are like, what's with you guys? Like, Dad, you'll be driving home to see mom and you'll be on the phone the entire time. It's just like, if I'm on the road, I call her three times a day. And I'm not like clinging and needy. Yeah. It's just there's nobody that I want to share the details of my life with the way I do with. I'm sorry, this is probably bringing up some shit.

Yeah, no, that's fine. Is it like that with your wife? I'm, I'm, I'm peeing right. I know you don't see it, but I'm like, I'm like, I'm a little baby. I'm crying. I got a rash on my ass. No, but it is true. I do feel that.

And I think I did that with her, but I do feel like, you know, to be honest, you know, we, you know, we weren't like crazy friends, you know. And I even wrote a bit about it where I was like, my wife is not my best friend. So now I'm going like, maybe it's like. But it was just as a joke because I do believe it was like, well, it's like, because I had it was like. I already have a best friend from like kindergarten. Yeah. That's my best, that whole thing. But I feel like it's true.

I think you do need to have like, because everything goes away, I think, except the friendship, right? Like the whole honeymoon phase goes away, everything, you know, like sex and everything is like or looks. Yeah, the looks. I mean, look at me. Look at me. She still looks great, but Jesus Christ. My neck looks like it got microwaved. Yeah.

And like, you know, my fucking. teeth are chipped I got a pot belly but women don't care that much I found the other yeah I didn't realize I had them the other day I got varicose veins on my ankles in your ankles I never seen the ankles like it's usually in the end of the shin

or like the calf lower shin like down by my ankle they're like purple I didn't even know I had that that's that's when you know you get that you're old yeah I think the veins you know what I don't have yet and I really my goal in life is to never have the brittle yellow toenails.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I'll kill myself like it does. Those are the ones where like, you know, like nobody's, it's like a, like an old cave that hasn't been like discovered like in the pyramid. You know, like you all like when was the last time you had a fucking pedicure? It's a ruin. It's a ruin. It's basically a ruin. Right.

Like, nah. Like you got to, do you do pedicure? I do it once in a while. Do you know? Yeah. Look at your fingernails. Yeah. Well, pedicure.

I don't care about it. It's more of the feet. Because the feet you got to have like, I don't do it like often. I do it like every like four months. Really? It's kind of like a like a cleanup. So I don't have that ruin of the thing, you know, just to have like a thing to have like. Because there's stuff that you can't do yourself.

I'm so ticklish though. I don't think I could handle it. No, they strap you. They put you in a high chair? They put you in a high chair. I'm so ticklish. Go, go, go. Well, it's a pedicure, and also a happy ending place, too.

Adam, have you been in one of those places? No, I never done it. Now I think now that I'm single, I think I want to do it. I think you deserve one. I deserve one. If you're single. Yeah, because I never, no, I never, never done it. I never, but I'm always, I'll be interested in doing that.

But I want it to be, like, also somebody that's, like, hot. Yeah. I don't want to do it just for the hell of it, you know what I mean? Or somebody says into it too, or at least. Who's into it? Yeah. Yeah, sex slaves are usually pretty motivated by emotions. No, no, but I went like a mom and pop shop.

Yeah, yeah. Somebody that's like they do it because they're for the love of it. For the love of the game. They just like to see men happy. Exactly. It's like going to like, you want to go to like a nice small town restaurant or like or olive garden. Right.

I want to go to the small town restaurant. The person was like, there's not that many customers, but when you go in there, they treat you really well. Yeah, no, if you go to an olive garden, it's a sad ending. It's a sad ending. Yeah. Yeah, it's sloppy, squake. Right, right.

No, no. Yeah, you don't want that. So I'm thinking about women that you could date. Yeah. How old are you? 44. No, you're not. You son of a bitch.

Yes. God damn it. People think you're 30, right? Yeah, they do, they do, yeah. My body is 44, like inside. Like... Like you feel 44. Like, yeah, like injuries or stuff like that, you know.

But yeah. As the erectile dysfunction, I'm not. No, I'm good. I'm hard right now. I thought you were tapping your foot under the table, but that was... No, that was my car. Oh, my God. It gets nervous on camera.

Wait, so I'm trying to think of who's appropriate for you. Are there any comedians that you like that you would date? I just don't, I mean, no, there are pretty. What about Eleanor Kerrigan? Ellen or not? We're friends. She'd be nasty. Yeah, she'd be too.

She'd be, she'd have your tongue. Oh, yeah. And she'd be yelling me the whole time. It's like, why don't you fuck me right? Right. Come on. What are you? Let's go back to Philly and I'll show you what fucking is.

Something like that. Treat this thing like a Philly cheese steak. Get your face in there. I want it messy when you're done. Yeah, Eleanor, we give it you good. Yeah. And then you got... Who else?

Who are like... I don't know. I mean, it's also hard to date a comedian. Well, Annie Letterman has a boyfriend. Yeah. Oh, no, she's actually married to him. Oh, right. Are you married?

Or fiancé. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sarah T. Anna just got married. She did? I thought she was already married. No, she was like, I guess, together for a while. Now they're officially married. Whitney's single.

No, Whitney's got married with the skateboarder guy. I am so out of the gossip of the comedy store. I should say we know each other from the comedy store. Yes. And we get to watch each other do stand-up, which is fun. Yeah. You always do great. Thank you.

You do too. You have good energy. I love following you because the crowd is just, they're just happy and they're laughing and like, you know, I don't like to follow. I'm like I can say names, but some people really beat up the crowd in a nasty way. And then you got to kind of go up there and build up their self-esteem again.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. You want to go in and like, kind of like ride the wave of like energy. Yeah. Like it is tough when you got to go like, well, now I got to like start the show again. Yeah. You got to stop that energy.

And once you get them, then like, well, the lights on. So now I can do it. Right, right, right. Exactly. I just drove from Venice to make 50 bucks. And I cleaned up a mess from a guy who's just gay and won't admit it.

Well, now I don't know who you think that is. Neil Brennan? No. So I had some questions about your new special. Sure. I apologize. You literally, you just asked me to come on the podcast like two or three days ago. On Saturday, yeah.

On Saturday, and today is Tuesday. So I didn't have a chance to watch your special. That's okay. But it's on YouTube? It's unlocked all the platforms So it's like right now It's on you know YouTube Amazon Prime Apple

All that stuff And like And you can rent it for now And then after like Think two months or something Then it just goes free And like all the platforms Right what's it called

Still learning Still learning Yeah What are you still learning How to keep a marriage Right Like Because that was the whole thing

The whole joy was like Still learning to be married Because I was learning to be married Oh, okay. That was the whole thing. Because a lot of the bits are about me being married, you know, when I was married. How long were you married? Like almost two years.

But we're together like eight total. Oh. So like six years and then two years married. Did you have a serious relationship before your wife? Yeah, no. I had three serious relationships in my life, like three girlfriends. Yeah. But yeah, she was like, but I guess, I mean, she was the longest I've been with.

You know, and like, and we went through COVID, so I thought in my mind, I'm like, well, if we went through this. Yeah. We're still here, you know, that is going to work. That's like all those couples that got married after the Holocaust, like, oh, we got through something together. That's, you know, so this means something. Which now I know, like, it does, yeah, you can't, you got to actually, you got to try a relationship when it's really boring and everything's going well. Yeah. Because that's when people, like, because when you're going through, like, shit like that, then you don't see the, the things.

Like, it happened, like, do you remember that there was a shooting at the comedy store a while back? Yeah. I was there. Were you really? I was, like, literally in the patio. Damn. And, like, I was, like, hanging on with this girl, you know, and, like, and, like, and all of a sudden I hear, like, a shop. And then I see, I turn around and I see this guy point blank, like, good fellas.

It's just, like, like, literally killed this guy. And I saw that, and I grabbed the girl that I was with, and I threw it right in the patio. And I was, like, just. I threw her at him. to distract them. She's a bitch. I don't know her. No, but I actually thought it was going to be like a, like, one of those, like serial killer, like a match.

So I was like holding. I was like. Really? And then, but then, so then, you know, the guy left, it was a hit, you know. The guy died right there. Yeah. Like Josh Nazar was holding onto him, you know. No.

Like he was like, you know, and then Josh was like, so you don't have a this YouTube. video you want to subscribe to my no what the guy's like that did the guy escape the guy escape did they catch him I think eventually they did so you don't have to testify they had enough witnesses no no yeah I mean I just said something to the cops

is what I saw and like yeah it was it was a hit it was an actual guy like a gang related hit really like a guy that guy wasn't even was traveling from somewhere in the Midwest you know and he was there because when they were doing tripping on Tuesdays And I guess he was visiting there or something,

and then that's when, you know, something happened, you know. What's tripping on Tuesdays? It was a show at the comedy store they were doing Tuesdays was just a lot like black comics performing. Right. So then it would happen that day, you know. And there were, but they're, but so what I want to say is like, then with this girl, I dropped her off and then she,

and then I went to my buddy Amir's house, you were just like talking. And she's like, hey, can you come over? She's like, can you come over? I'm a little scared. But we're not going to do anything. This is after your marriage ended? No, no, this is before.

This is a whole way before. Yeah. But what I say is like, we went and then, of course, then I went to her house and we had sex. You know, it's like, but it was that adrenaline of like, we survive together, you know. And I never saw her again. But like, but I was saying like that whole thing of people when you're like with somebody. I got to start hanging out in the hood. Yeah.

I got to see. I got to hang out at school. schools. Yeah. When you see a weird kid, it's like, hey, what's cool do you go to? Let me follow you for lunch. Has your mood. Has your mood tomorrow.

Well, so let's get back to this special. Where did you shoot it? It was in New York. The Triad Theater, like the thing in the Opera East or West Side. It's a cool little theater. It looks good on camera because it looks big, but it's like very intimate kind of show. Did you direct it yourself? No, this one I did.

it with a super nice guys productions. And Charlie Fonville, I feel like he's in name. He directed it and they produced it. Because you've directed things before. Yes, I directed a short that I did that got, you know, picked up by HBO, you know, which was pretty cool. It's a short that I co-wrote and I directed that. And I also directed a lot of sketches that I used to work with like this SNL branch of like,

it was called Mass Mejor. It was like part of the Broadway, you know. know, that company. Broadway video? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And now is that, is the short something that you want to try to step into a feature?

Yeah, yeah. No, I love directing. I think it's cool. I wanted to, I even have shadow Neil Brennan and also Jay Larson and some stuff, you know, that they do. And like, I like it. I just, I feel like, because the way that I write stand-up is very, you know, like, I see it as scenes.

every time. So I'm like, I can see the scene going. And every time I there, I feel like I can see how it's going to look for, you know, the storyboard and everything. So I'm very like, and I feel like also I can relate what, you know, what the story is to the actors or to the, or to the DP and everything. So, yeah, I really like it. Yeah.

Right. Okay. Yeah. And I looked also at your stand-up calendar. I had no idea you did shows in Spanish. Yeah. I'm doing, yes. I just started doing it like about two.

three years ago and just because you know Spanish stand-up is getting very popular like all over the world over the U.S.S. Cruz does it. Yeah and I have Wow you see even Siri knows that this they're talking to you

I wasn't talking to you this is what it's turning into. I know it's going to become a thing yeah they're going to be like I'm talking to you yeah yeah yeah Yeah, they're not going to be like, you know, talking to me, I'm talking to you. Yeah. Don't ask him that. That's too personal, Greg. We got 10 years until Terminator stuff.

Oh, that's two. Two? I mean, how fast did Waymo show up? That's true. And everybody just normal like, okay, this is okay. It was like a concept that you saw in 60 minutes as a prototype, and all of a sudden next week there was a thousand white Waymo cars. And now there's 10,000.

and they just keep multiplying all the time. Yeah, and that's just the beginning. That's just, I mean, then it's going to be airplanes flying. Trucks. And it's going to be trucks. And then, I mean, you're going to even see, I went to the, I was in the mall. Like, there's no people that work in the parking anymore. Right.

You know, like, everything's just automated. Yeah. So I always go, like, there's going to have to have like a universal basic income happening. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't wait. We're going to miss it. I know. We're going to fucking miss it.

I know. It's going to be good. My kids are like. Dad, I got to get a job. No, I don't want to. Relax. You're just going to have to do online, get your number. Then you go, do, do, with your eyes.

Yeah. That goes into your account. You don't have to have, you know, and that's it. You wake up. You'll never touch money. You'll never touch a check. Nothing. You'll never work.

No. You'll just be a number that feeds into the Matrix. To the Matrix, yeah. You'll be like that movie with Scarlet Johansson and, like, replicas. No, the one with like... Oh, her? No. It?

No, it's with the... Yeah, her. No, it's not her. With Joaquin Phoenix? No, no, I know that one. Is that what you're talking about? No, no, no. It's where she plays like a replica of another...

It's like, they're a bunch, they're living a... They're like, they're basically rich people. Like, I want to make a clone of you and then they put it in a... And then if something happens, like, if you... You're like you get an injury. They take that person that's a replica of you and they put their arms. Oh, really? Yeah.

It's with the guy who was, what was his name? He played Obi-Wan Kenobi in the New Star Wars. Can we edit this out? I mean, it's like I didn't really think you were that old until that conversation. Then also it's like, oh, yeah, he's 54. Yep. Who's that guy? You know, he was in that thing.

I literally sold a game show called Ask Granny, and it was about a grandmother trying to tell a story, and the game show is she's the host of the game show, but she has dementia, and she's trying to tell stories, and the contestants clap, and they go, Seattle, and she goes, that's right, and then she continues the story. That's hilarious. That's funny.

And I thought of it because we were sitting in my living room one night with like five of us, and we're all 60, and we're all going, what is that place? It's in Machu Picchu, in Machu Picchu, that's it. That's funny. I like that. Yeah, but Scarlett Johansson, really, to me, I think she was the one. I think that Angelina Jolie and Scarlett Johansson were the two actresses that I really felt like were the most beautiful women I've ever seen about.

Yeah, that's my type. Yeah. I mean, big lips. Big lips. Big breasts. Big breasts. Rich. Pretty eyes.

Pretty eyes. Rich. Yeah White Do you like white girls? Yeah Was your wife white? Yeah

She's from North Carolina That's funny Because most white guys Like Latino girls Yeah, so is the opposite Yeah I love Latino girls Yeah

I guess It was my thing When I was a teenage And it's funny Because I don't like But I don't want to look I don't want to have somebody That looks kind of like me

Right I want the opposite You know Yeah I like yeah Like Like any Scandinavian women Like if I go like

Croatia or Finland or yeah that's my type blonde like that black I like black but not

but I'm more of the Have you dated a black girl No I did I did hooked up with like but she was more like like mix Kind of like Beyonce Kind of like Halliberry

Yeah Nice Yeah Jesus I'm you know I'm jealous of that I'm not jealous that you got divorced

And I'm very happily married But it must be exciting on some level to think that you get to, you know, meet some new people. But it's like, it is, but it's also like, I think also when you're older, you're not like, I don't have that thing that you have when you're young. It's like, I just want to fuck. Yeah, you don't have that.

Or it's more now like you do, but it's more like, now you're more like, well, if I do, then this happens. Yeah. And then this happens. And then this happens. I don't have the energy for all those other things. Or even the energy of being like, if I look at that with this girl, that means then now, like,

now I'm going to have to go to sleep late and I have to wake up and I have this thing tomorrow. It's all this stuff that you go like, eh, maybe I'll just. I wish I had those problems, man. Those are big problems to have. I got to get up late if I have sex with this beautiful black girl. Oh my God. All right. So I want to ask you also about Venezuela because you're Venezuelan and obviously.

Some big, big things happened about, what, six months ago was that? Six months ago. Same time was your divorce, really. It's true. I should have known that. Well, no, that was my, no, because my divorce was, it started basically last year. But my divorce started when the whole LA fire started. So I should have also.

Oh, God. Because I remember we're like, hey, we got, I was like, look, we got a vacuum. And she's like, why? It's like, if we die, we die. That's what she said? No, no. that's what you knew it was over but I knew I was like man

you don't want any future on this it's like what's going maybe I should have no but like but yeah the Venezuelan stuff yeah man it happened this early this year

and now what's happening this past couple of weeks it's just like it's been like a whole wait catch me up so people don't know yeah Madeira was your president

he was not popular he was a dictator pretty much and no free elections no and people were starving while he was getting rich And so, I mean, you tell me, but what were your people back in Venezuela?

What was their feelings about the U.S. coming in and basically capturing him? Yeah, I mean, I think, and I could see both sides, but I think it's a Venezuelan that lives in Venezuela, but also that lives outside of Venezuela. Most of the Venezuelans, they were like, like you said, they were done with this government. So they was very happy that something happened, and then he was like basically got, you know, what he was coming. He's, you know, because, yeah, he's, this, this basically is Chavismo has been since from 25 years ago when Chavez died, this Maduro took over who was the vice president.

And he was even worse than Chavez, right? And he was even worse, you know, he made it, they basically got, not him, but everybody that's in this government right now, they're also kind of enriching themselves, you know, making themselves so rich, but also like, and the, and the country's poor as hell, just stealing everything. So, yeah, I think people were happy. that because Venezuela wasn't going to, nothing was going to happen unless some outside force would come in and kind of like helped out because they all have, they controlled all the media, and they all have the media and all the guns.

You know, this is where I go now. I see now as a, why, you know, the U.S. with the whole gun stuff, I'm like, in some ways I get, it's good to have that, you know, there's got to be some regulations, but I think it is good to have that because if Venezuela, some people have a bunch of guns, maybe they would have been like, hey, you know, you can't do this, you know. So, but I think it, I mean, people are, I think people, most people were happy about her. It's just, but the thing is like, just because that happened, it was a good kind of like news, but then everything's still the same because it's other, the other people. Yeah, exactly. And now these people, because the other ones that stay were smart to then start sucking up to Trump and the U.S.

They're like, oh yeah, we'll do what you want to do, you know. You want the oil. Here's the oil. You know, so like now they're there. Because it was another guy who was sort of a frontrunner to become the leader who was more a man of the people, right? And he didn't make it, but the woman did. Yes. She was in cahoots with Trump. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm. And basically said you can take a big chunk of our oil. Pretty much. Yeah. So now they're like, and those are the same kind of people that has been also destroying the country forever. And that they're still there. You know, so like at the end of the day, nothing has changed that much. It's still like as soon as does that government has to, and it's so hard to get rid of it because it's been ingrained for years.

Right. Like they're all over the military. They're all over. all the branches of government, so they're all kind of like... Well, and they own all the oil, right? It's nationalized the oil, and that's what Chavez did. Exactly, yeah. He nationalized it, and then...

And now, I think now with Trump and all this stuff, I think they want to obviously, like, get back and kind of privatize a Chevron get back and stuff like that. And they say the infrastructure could take 10, 15 years to build. 100%. Yeah. And once they build it, it's all American-owned. Exactly. And look, my thing I was being like, like, look, if this is going to, like,

Obviously, the U.S. went in there for their own interests. I mean, to me, it's like, if you don't, if you think they're doing it for the, you know, to save the world, then you're living in another reality. But I'm okay with it if it's going to make at least the life of the Venezuelan people better and more safer and more free. You know, yes, there's going to be some, obviously some U.S. business involved and stuff like that. But if that's kind of like, then I'm okay with it to kind of like the best of both worlds or like whatever, you know. but but the point is so it does make the Venezuelan but like but if it's if they're just like basically taking the money of the oil and not doing anything to to you know make the

Venezuelan country better and to have more infrastructure and better you know everything then then they're just because the whole point is to take to take the oil and distribute it exactly exactly and the thing is like people go like that oil has not been going to the Venezuelan people forever before it was been taken spent by their own Venezuelan government, but they're getting rich, but also they're giving it to Russia, to Iran, to China. And now, like, now it's just switch size. Now it's like, okay, now the U.S. is taking it. It's like, what is that money really going?

Are you using it and, like, keeping it? And like, what? It's supposed to be reinvested back in the country. So this is cut. This is big. I mean, China not getting Venezuelan oil is a big dent in their oil. And Cuba. It's like 25% of their oil came from Venezuela.

Yeah, and Cuba, too. Cuba was basically living off Venezuela. Right. That's the thing. When Hugo Chavez got in power, he got in cahoos with Fidel Castro. And Fidel Castro kind of like basically told him like, I think he basically told him, like, this is what you're going to do to kind of like do the same thing that I did in Cuba and Venezuela. You know, and then.

And but they were getting all that money. There were actually a lot of people that were, like they say that, a lot of people that were like the security, the Secret Service for Maduro when he got arrested of all Cubans. You know, like, it's a lot of infiltration of Cubans in the army. Cubas kind of fucked because they were, you used to get all their money from Russia. Because they were a communist nation. Yeah. But now Russia's got all their money in Ukraine.

So I hear they're not giving money to Cuba. And now Venezuela is not either. And then we on top of that are enforcing an oil embargo of our own on Cuba. So, I mean, my son went to Cuba. Cuba about six years ago. Oh, really? And he said they're destitute. It's just lines for soap and toilet paper.

No, they're living in the past. And now it's getting worse. Yeah, and now it's worse because now they don't have the money that was coming from Venezuela. Right, right. Which is that, to me, that was the only thing that was keeping them kind of like basically alive or like, so I don't know what they're going to do now. Meanwhile, if they just open up tourism to the United States, their economy would boom. Oh, 100%.

You know, or if you let, yeah, casinos and another, like, what? what their godfather would want it to do. Godfather, too. Hyman Roth. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Like, that was the whole thing.

And then they took over and then boom, that didn't happen. But basically, yeah, that's what, you know, Cuba was going to be Vegas. Yeah. Or Havana was going to be Vegas until, you know, Philadelphia came. And then they had to, like, go to the desert, you know. There's a great book about that when it, when it goes from, power goes from Batista to Castro, which would have been, what, late 60s or so? And it's called Telex from Cuba by Rachel Kushner.

And it's really about, you know, the Americans were taking all the sugar. Literally the Cubans were being treated like slaves in their own country by the Americans. Yeah. And then about all these casinos that were opening up and then Castro King. Yeah, it's a great book about that time. Anyway, we don't have a ton of time, so let's get to it. Yeah. It's called Fastballs.

Well, first... Okay, yeah, I don't know what's happening. First of all, let's ask you about World Cup soccer. Yes. Who was your, because Venezuela didn't make it. No, they never made it. No, they never made it. We won, but by the way, we're our world champions in baseball.

Oh, right. We won in March. Wow. World champions in baseball. So a lot of people can say, but we're world champions of something. Yeah. Which is baseball. And baseball is, you know, it's very popular in the world.

Not as soccer, but. Yeah. So, yeah, Venezuela has never made it to a World Cup in their, in the history. of the workup. Who was the pitcher for the Dodgers from Venezuela? Oh, the one who just... No, going back to like the 90s. No, but he was Mexican.

Fernando Venezuela. Yeah, no, but his last name wasn't Venezuela. Valenzuela. What was it? Valenzuela. Not Venezuela? No, Venezuela. No.

Imagine it's like my name... No, no. It's like Don Corleone. He took the name of the country. But it was also like... That's the Ireland. That's why he was... so popular in L.A. because of the Mexican.

Yes. Because it's Mexican. Oh. And the Venezuelans don't like the Mexicans. No, no, we like him. No, nobody likes the Mexicans. I've heard that about Latin America, that the Mexicans kind of get shit on by everybody. Well, in Latin America is like, it's like every part in the world. Like how Japan doesn't like their best and they don't like China.

Argentina thinks they're the best. You know, so it's like South America, they think they're more, I guess, you know, more modern or whatever, or more like, or better than Central America. Right. So then, yeah, Mexico, Salvador, all those, you know, so that's, that is. Yeah, yeah. But, you know what I was thinking about today, actually, I was thinking about this, maybe because you were coming in, but how, no, because I was watching the Argentine game.

Argentinians consider themselves the elite of Latin America. Yeah, they, that's been always a startup that they always feel like they're better than everybody else. Well, they're the most Europeans. There are their most Europeans. They're white. That's why there's a lot of, you know, that's where a lot of the Nazis went after the war. Right. You know, that's a lot.

You want to hear a funny joke? Yeah. So this guy walks into a bar in Argentina and it's like the late 1950s. Dark bar. He looks around. He sees a guy in the corner of the bar. So he walks over, he sits down next to the guy and he goes, hey, let me buy you a drink. He goes, ah, y'all, that's that food bean dice?

And then the guy looks at the guy in the corner and he goes, man, you look familiar. And he goes, nah. He goes, yeah, no, no, no, no, I know you. I know you from somewhere. He goes, wait a minute, you're Hitler. Hitler? What are you doing in a dark bar in Argentina? And he goes, well, I have escaped the country, and I'm here, and I am coming back.

And this time, I am coming back bigger and better. This time, we kill 20 million Jews on one circus clown. and the guy goes, why a circus clown? And a guy goes, Hitler goes, see, nobody cares about the Jews.

Make that the clip for this week, Paul. But anyway, like then I was thinking, the Japanese think they're the most elite of Asia. Yeah, then Korea and then, like China, like,

like nobody likes China. They're present. They're like, yes. Right. But then I thought about Europe and I thought well who thinks it in Europe and I thought oh all of them like right the French think they're the best the Germans think they're the best the Spanish yeah the Italians

Italians oh yeah they all think that their culture is and in a way they they all are because they all had a had a time of when they ruled the war literally ruled the war like the empire you know so like that is true in some ways so I think yeah that because that's ingrained I mean I mean It's the same thing when all those countries have been colonized. They're still ingrained that whole like, oh, we're like, oh, we're supposed to be kind of bowed down to this kind of, you know, like, even Venezuela with the U.S. stuff. I remember even, like, growing up, it was like, U.S. is like great. It's like everything is great. So it's like you got to like kind of like you're put your, you know, like you're not in the same level kind of thing, which is like a kind of like a thing that gets, you know, kind of, it's not even like tall.

kind of like in the part of the culture. And I think with Europe is that. They always feel like they are like the best because, yeah, they, you know, 2000 years of the world, you know, they've been. America thinks that they've had a long run. We're babies. I know. It's 250 years old.

How long was a Roman Empire? Like a Roman Empire? Like a thousand years. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. This is 250. The, the, what's their names? Genghis Khan.

The Mongols. The Mongols literally occupied like a third of the world at this point. And like my DNA, I took that ancestor to DNA tests. Did you spit on the 10? No, I jerked off in it. Oh, okay. Oh, that's a different one. I wanted to really exact.

Exactly. Do you jerk off to somebody or to like in a little thing? My family. I was thinking about my family because I wanted it to be, you know, about my great-grandmother. Oh, all right. I had like this black and white photo of her standing by a mule and county carry. And I just snapped one of that. Wow.

And so when the test results came back, they went, wow, this is really specific. I was like, well, you know, I went into character. But I came back and it turns out I'm 90, I'm not making this up, 99% I, all four my grandparents are from Ireland. 99% Irish, and guess what the 1% is? Asian. Asian. Oh, wow. Everybody's got a little bit of Mongol.

A little bit of Mongoloid? Well, it's funny that somebody with mental disabilities is called a Mongolia. Yeah, which, why is that? I don't know, because if you're from Mongolia, you're also called a Mongoloid. Yeah, and also you're part of an empire. Facial structure? Oh, that's what it is? Oh, so they thought that people with disabilities look like Mongols?

Oh, so they had nothing to do with the disabilities, more of the look. The look. Oh, that's a good. Okay. So if worse or better? That's awful. That's awful. Oh my God.

A whole race of people looks like they have disabilities. I also thought that about Siamese twins. When I was a kid, I thought that they were only Asian. Oh, really? Because of the Siamis. Siamis. Yeah. Yeah.

No, but yeah. You never see black Siamese twins. No. Wait, Siamese twins are the identical ones? No, Siamese twins are conjoined at the waist. Okay, sorry. You don't know what a Siamese twin is? No, sorry.

I was, as you were talking, I was pretending, I was like going like, like, what are they? Like, what are they? And then when you said black, I was like, identical? Because I've seen identical black twins. Oh, no, the ones are together. Yeah. Which you can't cut them off, right? They got to stay together.

Depends. Sometimes they do. But two of them, well, not two of them. One of them just got married. you know, the Simey's twins, but the one on the left got married. She was way better looking than the way on the right. Seriously. Like the one on the right kind of like, like the, what did you do there?

She's like at a 45 degree angle, you know, there's always one twin that's leaning. Yeah. Yeah. Does that, is that considered a threesome when you're having sex or no? It's not, right? It's cheating. That's a good question. Well, can you grab both tits or just the one on the left?

Ah, no, that's right. One ass cheek, one tit? Yeah, no, but I think you got to also, no, they got to join if you're the other twin. I mean, what are you going to be pretending your sleep? Like, while they're having sex? Like, no, you got to like, plus also, what is it the same, like, organ, sex organ? Well, I think if they're dating two guys, one guy gets the vagina and the other guy gets the asshole. Do they flip for it?

Whoever gets the guy first gets the vagina. Oh, got it. That's what they call it coming up the rear. Mm. Yeah. Imagine some guy would be like, I want to, I want the other one to meet somebody first

because I want the asshole. Now you keep there. Hey man, can I borrow the asshole tomorrow night? All right, here's a thing called Fastballs with Fits. Okay. You ever been arrested? No.

Not arrested now. Where did you lose your virginity? You were probably like, like 18. No, 18. No, no, no, it was like 15. Really? Yeah. How old was she? I think like 16. She was a cougar. You sure? Yeah. Okay. No, it was like in Venezuela. It was very like, it was very like quick like, hey, you know, like it's like my parents left and like it's doing like in the afternoon kind of thing. It was like, you know, and I think she had the condom and I just put it on and you know, it was just, it didn't, it wasn't very like great.

You know, like, it was kind of like just to do it, and I'm like, well, you know, but... Did it turn into a relationship? No, no, no, no. It was like I was visiting for the summer. Oh, okay, that's fun. It was a summer fling. And then I started singing, summer having, had me a blast. And that's when I came when I said blessed.

Yeah. Happened in her ass. Who's the worst opener you've ever had on the road? Wow. I think the ones when they're like, oh, there's one guy that I, it wasn't, it was a guy, it was his own club. And, you know, those club owners that like to go up. Yes. He went up and then like 30 minutes, you know, to bring them the future, you know.

So 30 minutes of just like, not good comedy, local stuff, buy the, you know, like trying to sell people to like, you got to get enchiladas or whatever it is. So it's just, it was one of those ones where it just. makes the show just horrible to start with. And you can't say anything. Because he's paying you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to be like, that was great. That was awesome. Great job, you know. That's hilarious. There's this one guy, the Atlanta punchline.

There's a guy there, Jamie, who owns the place and he does stand up. But he's actually really good. Oh, okay. He was okay when he started because he was just starting. But now he's like, now he's like, I think he used to be the opener. Now he makes himself the feature. Oh, nice. But, you know.

Yeah, if you're good, I'm good, but like when you're just not good. But no, there's some bad ones. Yeah, there's some bad ones. And then, again, they're not because they're not even, they don't try it. They're not having fun. Like, they're just do it just because they think they're like. Well, and they're trying to save the money. I'm paying a feature.

100%. Right. Yeah, yeah. They're not good. So don't do it. Who is your best Asian friend? It's actually my friend Justin. He's a Korean.

Wait, is this Justin Martindale again? You can't use him as both. But his hair is very Asian. Yeah, yeah. No, his name is Justin. Um. Um, uh, U.M. Are you sure he's not just trying to remember his last name?

That's what I told him. That's a beige. Do you. Justin, um, um, um. He's South Korean. Well, obviously. Not North Korean. Are you going to have to go visit him?

Yeah. No, he's cool. It's very like, because I learned all the stuff that I learned about the Asian culture, stuff like that has been through him because he's been telling me how he doesn't like the Chinese people. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So the, yeah, Koreans really don't like the Japanese.

No, yeah, because in World War II, they were like, they were like also like slaves or something like that? No, they locked the women up in houses and they used them as brothels. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, it was dark. Oh, fuck. Let's try to keep this a little bit later, okay?

But yeah, I do have a nation friend. There are two types of people in the world. Go. black and white best answer you had on that I mean but I'm by saying it's not just

it's ever in terms of mind you know you know like black and white not just a color but everything yeah yeah yeah but also black and white

yeah we're all shades of black and white yeah it is weird how like if you are if you're white and you the father's white and the mother's Italian

and father's Irish mother's Italian you get you're born and you go what are you and you go half Italian half Irish but if you're black and Italian and you come out you're black yeah is that weird it's more powerful yeah like the enzyme no it's not called the enzyme

let's not get any eugenics right now but like my mom and my dad where she's like white and my dad was more brown and I'm more brown right my my sister's a little more white Oh, they are? How old are they? My sister, she's two years old, like 46. Married?

She's married. Kids? Yeah. Oh, so you have little nieces and nephews? One, and the gaffa. Oh, nice. Where do they live? Madrid in Spain.

Oh, really? Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it's nice. Damn. Who's the one that got away? That girl when you were 15. Actually There was one

Like this Argentine girl That I really liked Back in D.C. Where I grew up And like It was very like quick But like You know she was

Like Like I've always thought about I was like You know it was I don't know if something Was gonna happen or not But it was like It was one of those girls

I really like Had more of a crush That was the one But you have a social media Do you ever look her up? I don't even remember her name I don't mean It wasn't

I don't Were you scanning the crowds during the Argentinian game today? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like, I love Argentinian girls. Yeah. Like, that's, I do like, I mean, they're hot, but also, like, they're fiery personality. Yeah. Like, they're like, they don't, they, what I like about?

They don't, they don't call your bullshit. They're, like, what the fuck? You know, like, what is this? What is this? And I like that shit. They're not, they're not, like, passive, which is weird because my ex was passive. So it's like, now I'm like, I want the opposite. Do you?

You do until you don't. Who would you want to play you in your biopic? Oh, Leo. I can see that. Absolutely. Yeah. Except that he'd get, what do they call it, coding? Oh, the code switch?

Code switch. Yeah, but he could do it. He's a great actor. I know, but you've got to be Latino to play. You have to get Mario Lopez to play you. No. No, I want to mind if he does. But the, no, because when you're a big, this is my thing.

Whenever the big, when you're now, you're a big star, doesn't matter what ethnicity you are, whatever you're from. That, it goes away. Like whoever, like, then the rest of the cast should be kind of like more real, like Latinos or something. But if, like, if Leo wants to play me, because that's how you're going to sell the movie. Right.

If Leo plays it. Oh, now all suddenly worried about ticket sales. Of course. I mean, I'm producing this thing. I'm getting my points in here, you know. What have you turned down recently? What have turned down? Sex, like a girl.

Yeah. I was just like, I was like, I could do it, but then it's like, yeah. It just like, it wasn't also like crazy. You should call Bobby Lee in a situation like that. Well, he just goes for it. He could come in and close. Oh, he does.

He could be the closer. He can be the closer. Yeah. Oh, so he just goes, he closes anything? Anything. Really? Sexual, show. Anything.

Real estate deals. Oh, really? Yeah. A game is a pitcher, a baseball game. Okay. He closes anything. He closes anything. Yeah.

All right. Wow. All right. When's the last time you apologized? Hmm. Yeah, I guess during my divorce. Yeah. I did.

But I like to. What did you apologize for? No, I just, I mean, And a lot of the stuff that I didn't know I was doing wrong, which was like not, you know, like the whole like not showing that I was like, that she was needed, you know, and stuff like that. But again, just to retrospect, I mean, it wasn't my fault that I got divorced. It was more hair.

But in the spirit of the name of your special. I still learning. I'm learning. And that's why one of the reasons that I'm not going, so it's, you know, like, looking for today right now. It's because I do want to, like, fix all this stuff or learn more of the stuff that I want to do. So then when I go out, I don't have to make the same mistakes again. Well, I think it's cool that you're trying to date a girl in our early 20s. I'm assuming that's why you're wearing puka shells on your wrist. That's like a bracelet to get into any club

that has, like, EDM music. Well, this is from my, my nephew's first communion. And now you make me feel like a piece of shit. No, this one, it is for the girls. Are those anal beads? Yes. I was wondering why your hand smells, money. Because you're supposed to put it in there the whole thing, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Fisting and beating at the same time. I can't. Finally, what's the hackiest bit you've ever done? I guess when I would say, when I started, I would be like, I'm from, you know, I'm from Venezuela, but ever since I moved to California, I became Mexican. That was kind of like, yeah. You know, I guess, yeah, now I feel like it's so hacky because it's like, yeah. So I think back in when I started, it's still not that.

Did you ever worry about, like, ICE harassing you living in Los Angeles? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I do, I, of course. I mean, I'm not, there's a, I entry into a bit about what I do bring my path, or I would bring my passport or at least a couple. of my American passport with me just in case I'm like, hey, I'm a U.S. citizen if they don't deport me, you know what I mean? But yeah, no, I do.

It is weird to be like afraid of like, of just of what you look like to be like, hey, and they don't care. They're going to be like, because it is very like similar to what happens in Venezuela. We're like, yeah, it doesn't matter. Like, we're just going to make up some rule and we're going to arrest you and then it doesn't matter.

Right, right. But I do have to say the whole ice stuff did help me there a day. I was in a park. and I hit this car and it was my fault, you know, and I'm waiting for a person to come out or to, and then it's this young Latino guy. And I'm like, hey, man, I hit your car. I'm going to call insurance. He's like, no, no, no, it's okay. And I'm like, you sure? You want to call the cops? Like, no, take it easy. Hey, it was my fault. I was like, we weren't even here. Right. So then it was

like, it's good to remember. So it's good. So it works. So that, it helped me indirectly in that way. I think it's really cool. Yeah, let's take advantage of Mexican people that are in the So you got dates coming up. And again, this guy is just, you know, world-class comic. He's at the comedy store every night killing. He's touring around the country. He's got this new special. I can't wait to see it.

I saw your last special before that. I think it was called something American. Venezuela, American. It was produced by Brad Garrett, which is... Oh, that's cool. Really cool guy, man. Like, he's really a guy that I always like to give his flowers. because he's such a like a person that's like very successful,

but still very nice and kind of like cool. And he's like he, because that special, he wanted to do several specials to produce them. And then it didn't work out what he wanted to do. So he was like, hey, just keep it. Just do whatever you want with it. Really? Like he paid for it.

And then he's like, you can just do whatever. No way. Yeah. Really? Yes. Damn. Like literally. Like by and he paid me to do the,

The show, too, that week, you know, that week in Vegas. Oh, you recorded it at the break? I love that club. That's a great, that's a great club. It's a great club. The staff is unbelievable. They know what they're doing. They know what they're doing.

They shut people down. Yes. And his, and it's his friends, kids all work there. And that's an Ed Conover who's a great. Yeah. Which is, you know, his story is like his parents. Yeah. And then he, now he like.

His friends died, this couple. Yeah. And so Brad kind of adopted them. And they're, and it's, Because they're like eight kids. Yeah. And they're all worked there. Yep.

And they're all so nice. I just saw somebody just posted on Instagram. Here's a copy of the check that Brad Garrett just sent me. I was supposed to work his club, but my father died. So I had to cancel the week. And he sent me the check anyway. Yeah. No, it's like.

I was there. I brought my wife out for Valentine's Day when I was working the club. It was about two years ago. Mm-hmm. And I said to the woman that owns a club, I go, I've been trying to get a reservation in this area for the last 10 days. everything is booked because it's Valentine's Day. She comes to the next night and she goes, you have a reservation next.

There's a really great Italian restaurant next door, really fancy. So me and my wife show up, and they take us into the restaurant and into the back where they have a private room for just us. Wow. And then at the end of that, I go, can we take the check? And she goes, it's all taken care of.

Wow. I go, is the tip taken care of? I didn't I gave her nice that's what you got because at that point you got so that

this is a good question what do you give the percentage of the bill in the tip or is a big tip but that you're just making it out oh no I like double the tip

of what it would have been what it would have been got it yeah yeah yeah so you're still paying for the meal now that's how I feel like when I'm when I'm at a green room

at a comedy club. If I order $20 worth of food, I'll give them like between 25 and 30 bucks as a tip and the food's free. Got it. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you do extra tip. Yes. Okay, got it. All right, you got dates coming up. You're going to be in Dallas on July 10th. Yeah, this weekend. Phoenix on August 7th through 9th. That's not happening anymore

because they asked me to do before. I wish your publicist had reached out to me. But I am going to be in Houston. You're going to be in Houston. August 27 to the 29th. Oh. And then D.C. on October 16th and 17th. And then if you want to see him in Spanish. Yes.

Dallas on, wait. Yes, in Dallas, the first show in Dallas is going to be in Spanish. Oh. So I'm doing like a first show Spanish, second show in English. Is it the same material? It's like 60% the same.

Then 40% is like stuff that I write for Spanish. Right, right, right. Interesting. And then in Fort, and then he's doing a run, July 23rd. He's doing a run Fort Myers, Kissimmee. Is it Kissimme or Kissimme? I think it's Kissimmee. There's, there's, well, I'll tell you, here's a, here's a, I was there once.

I mean, you and my friend were in a car, we were in a rent a car, and we were like, we were there, and we were arguing about it. I was like, no, it's Kissimmee me. And he goes, no, it's Kissimmee. and he said, no, it's Kissimmee. I said, no, it's Kissimme. And then finally I just pulled into a fast food restaurant. We were getting food at the drive-thru.

And so we pulled up to the window, and I said, can you tell my friend, once and for all, where are we right now? And say it slowly. And she goes, Burger King. I thought you were saying, like your friend was like, it's kissing me. He's like, no, kiss me. It's kissing me. No, kiss me. I was co-headlining with Justin Martindale.

Oh, it was? Okay, yeah. And then Winterhaven and then Naples and then Tampa, if you want tickets. You're just going to go to Francisco Ramos. E Ramos. E? You got to put the E in there because some architecture in Spanish. Son of a bitch!

That's okay. Francisco E. Ramos. And if you want top-notch Gothic architecture, go to Francisco Ramos. He's really good. Thanks for being here, man. Thanks for having, man. I appreciate it. Good luck with the special.

Thank you. All right. Thank you.