Fitzdog Radio - Greg Warren - Episode 1101

Episode Date: June 25, 2025

All American Standup comic and All-American college wrestler Greg Warren talks to me about his videos blowing up and dealing with OCD. Watch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMe Follow Greg Warren on Instagram @GrockWarren Twitter: @GREGFITZSHOW Instagram @GREGFITZSIMMONS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum Points on your first five orders. Shop now at NoFriills.ca. FanDuel Casino's exclusive Live Dealer Studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling.

Winning in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Kain and more are all taking part and you can watch every match for free on Dazon starting on June 14th and running until July 13th. Sign up now at Dazon.com slash FIFA. That's D-A-Z-N dot com slash FIFA. Hi, welcome to FitzDog Radio. I'm your host, Greg Fitzsimmons. I'm wearing an orange hat. If you're not watching the show on YouTube, just know I have on a green beat up sweatshirt,

an orange hat I just shaved for the podcast. Who's watching? I don't know who watches. By the way, if you you if you enjoy the show, spread the word. Tell your friends. Check out the show on YouTube. Leave a comment. That always helps us with the algorithm. And that's all. That's all. Just trying to keep the show growing. I had a crazy week. Yeah, you know, what do they say man makes plans and then God laughs? So I had so much shit to do on Thursday and Friday and then on Thursday morning, it was like four o'clock in the morning and somebody came in the house and I was like what the fucking

Aaron shot up and I grabbed I have this knife that I keep in my end table so I got the knife and I came out I come around the corner and I see a figure it's my daughter my daughter lives in the back house and she never comes in the front you know she comes up during the day hangs out has some tea, eats our food. Anyway, she's not usually in the house at 4 a.m. So I'm like, what the fuck? And she's like doubled over holding her stomach.

And I'm like, shit. And she's like, she can't even talk, she's in so much pain. So she sits down, I get her some water. She takes a, she had taken a whatever you take for your stomach and like threw it up instantly and we gave her something else threw it up instantly so we kind of just sat with her sat for a couple hours and then urgent care opened up. So we went to Venice urgent care, which, you

know, can be good in a pinch. You know, you don't want to go straight to the hospital or the doc. Doctors aren't open yet. So you go to urgent care and you walk in and it's like, it just give it a fucking makeover. What's it gonna cost to to not take some yellowish white white, high gloss paint on the walls and black and white tiles and that you check in and there's a bulletproof glass where you check in. So, okay.

So I guess you guys are good back there because I'm out here, there's no guard, and there's this obese guy, and he's, you know, talking, he's yelling at his ex-wife, like yelling, crazy, you fucking bitch, blah, blah, blah, but I feel bad for her, but she's not there. There's no one there.

He's yelling at no one. And it's very specific. There's Napoleon is involved. I don't know how Napoleon worked into his marriage. There's some space people, there's some people telling them stuff. And it was, you know, and I don't know. Look, I don't know why she left him. I have no idea. It could be

his drinking. I think he might have a little bit of an issue with drinking. He was pretty buzzed for for 7am. He had a pretty healthy buzz working. But the good news is he got all of his winter coats out of the house before she threw him out. And I know because he was wearing all of them, like four winter coats. And some Yeezys, he's got on fucking new Yeezys and I just thought how funny is like the Salvation Army must get flooded with probably Jewish people that

bought Yeezys back in the day and they had them in they had them in shoebox they never even wore them because they were gonna collect them and sell them later I don't know what you do with Yeezys. I just know that they they were like 400 bucks a couple years ago and now there's a crazy homeless guy wearing them and I just thought it's kind of ironic that the shoes that Kanye makes are only worn by crazy people now. And they get them. I think they're like his army. So anyway, so she goes in urgent care, they check her out, they poke her stomach, they're like, it's her appendix, you got to go to the emergency room,

because if it bursts, it's bad. Her blood count was white blood count was very high. So rushed her to the ER we went to UCLA Medical Center shout out to UCLA best hospital in Los Angeles took amazing care of us we checked in they did a CAT scan or a C scan I don't know what they call it they scanned her and meanwhile this is like she just started a job the day before, and she's supposed to be her first week is training. And, and it's a really good job, and she's excited about it. And then she's got to call in on their second day and tell them that she can't come into work. So but she's like, I'm glad I'm getting my appendix out because if it was just gas,

it would be a little awkward at work on the second day. So anyway, so yeah, she's getting her appendix out, which look, as a dad, you'd almost always rather have a guy taking an organ out of your daughter than putting one in. And I know I shouldn't say that, but it crossed my mind and I have to say it out loud. So everyone's in scrubs, which is always weird. You go to the hospital and everyone's got the same green scrubs. They look shitty and you can't tell who's who. It doesn't matter

if you... you could be the chief of neurosurgery or you could be like the orderly guy that takes the dead bodies out on the gurney, that wheels them out. Same outfit, no fucking stripes on your shoulder or stars or medals. You're just the same guy. Like I think they should,

like a surgeon should have you know some medals maybe you should have like a heart for every successful surgery he's performed and then the guy who brings out the dead bodies maybe that guy should be dressed as the grim reaper just the full hood and the sith in his hand that you know the pole with the sith on it and There should be like a Chinese guy with a gong walking behind him gong Gong Just a thought so

She gets She gets the surgery she, we were there all day. I mean, it doesn't matter how good this hospital is. It's gonna be all day, cause they gotta keep running tests. But we end up with the guy who's the chief of surgery for the hospital, which, you know, I didn't pull any strings, that's just who we got.

And I'm sure this was this, this was a fucking no brainer for this guy. He's used to like, you know, doing transplants and shit. Now he's got to pull out a and they just make like three or four holes and there's no, there's no big, it's pretty simple operation takes like 45 minutes. And so she gets it and then she's laying in the recovery room. And she's, you know, out, she's out, she's been drugged up. And she's, you know, out. She's out. She's been

drugged up. And she's laying there. And I think it had been, you know, at this point, it had been 15 hours of me being with her and sitting by her side and dealing with all everything. And and the stress just hit and I'm looking at her face and it's so peaceful and so beautiful and I felt so in love with my daughter I felt like so grateful that the operation went well, but I mean, I was just seeing her as a baby, as a toddler, like seeing her in these pink pajama, these onesie thing that she wore

for like two years straight, and Halloween, I was just seeing her life, and I went so deep into it. It was kind of beautiful. And then she came out and then I go outside and I call Blue Shield, which is my coverage to find, you know, I'm a little panicked because it's shitty coverage and I'm kind of curious, like, you know,

you're supposed to check in with your insurance. And so I called the lady, yeah, UCLA? No, that's not in network. I said, well, what does that mean? She goes, well, if it's out of network, there's a $7,000 deductible, and then you owe 50% of everything on top of that. And this has gotta be a fucking $20,000 surgery.

So I'm like, wait, are you sure? And she's checking again and again, this fucking moron. And I'm freaking out. So finally I hang up because she's like again and again this fucking moron and I'm freaking out so finally I hang up because she's like coming out of it now and the doctors there so I hang up and and and the doctor's like well you can you know you can go home at this point it's like you know nine o'clock at night and he's like you're fine you know go to the pharmacy pick up your painkillers you can go home he goes you could stay the night and she's like yeah I think I want to stay the night I'm like I don't think I don't think we need

a $10,000 night in the hospital if we can get you home I'll fucking carry you how about this we go home tonight and I will give you a room at the Four Seasons on a date that you pick later. How about that? I'll spend the 400 bucks. So yeah, so we left and we came home and it was really nice. Like everybody was calling her the next day. My mom, my brother, my sister and her cousins and then and then my

favorite is my wife's mom, who is this she's a riot. She grew up in the Bronx has lived in the Upper West Side of Manhattan for a whole life thickest accent and just full of opinions and she calls up Jojo and Jojo's got her on speakerphone because we just all cover our mouths and laugh so hard. She's like, she's obsessed with the royal family in Spain for some reason.

And she's like, I mean, I'm glad you're feeling better, but you know, the Queen of Spain, she's got plantar fasciitis in her foot because she's wearing the stilettos. Why is she wearing stiletto? It's ridiculous. And then Israel and Iran are bombing each other, but the shoes, it doesn't make any sense. Yeah, so that cheered up JoJo.

And then we just watched a lot of movies. We watched Paddington 2, which I know you're saying, Greg, that's a child's movie. It's one of those kids' movies that just transcends. It's got an insane cast. Hugh Grant is in it and that guy from Banshees of Innesheren, the older Irish guy, like just a killer cast of people and it's just incredible. It's funny. You laugh and then at the end I'm

laying on the couch with JoJo and then I'm on one end and she's on the other and I see her Shoulders are going up and down at the end She's she's sobbing and then she just picks her head up and looks at me and she sees the tears coming down my face And we just start laughing for like five minutes. We're just laughing at ourselves Let crying to Paddington do but watch it. I'm telling you and Then I showed her, I'm trying to get the kids to watch Woody Allen. And every time I do, they love it.

So we watched Love and Death, which is absolutely one of my favorites. And she completely appreciated it, laughed a lot. We talked about Russian literature afterwards and philosophy. It's a great movie. Anyway, so it was good, but you know what's fucking weird is we're watching Woody Allen and then I'm looking at my Instagram feed and all of a sudden I get a clip of Woody Allen. I've never gotten a clip of Woody Allen on my Instagram feed in my life. And now, literally a half an hour after watching the movie, I've got what the fuck is that? And then I'm interviewing Larry Charles, who if you don't know him, he was one of the creators

of Seinfeld. I don't know if he's a creator, but he he ran Seinfeld. Curb Your Enthusiasm, he directs and produces it. He produced the Borat movies. I think he directed them as well. Brilliant. One of the great comedic writer directors of our time. Anyway, I'm reading his book, because I'm going to interview him and I want to read the book first. So I get and I'm reading a chapter and it's about how he started out on this show called

Fridays which Kramer was on. Whatever Kramer's who's the actor who's Kramer whatever. And Andy Kaufman comes on an episode and he breaks up a sketch in the middle of it like breaks the fourth wall and there's chaos anyway I'm reading that on my phone that scene comes up a day after I'm reading it in the book and I told somebody about the scene I mean it's fucking nuts man what's going on here oh I don't even know anyway all right let's get to it we got some dates coming up I was supposed to be at Torrance at place called the end on Sunday but that is postponed I'll let you know the new

date Austin Texas at the mothership July 4th through the 6th Pottstown PA. Soul Joles July 31st Point Pleasant New Jersey Uncle Vinny's August 1st and 2nd. I will be in La Jolla at the Comedy Store August 29th through the 31st then in September I'll be in Denver and Connecticut October in Vegas and Chicago and New Orleans and San Francisco. Go to Fitz fitzdog.com Get some tip. Why am I yelling at you get some tickets come out and watch a show enjoy my new hour Which is a I'm really proud of I'm also proud of my guest today. This is a guy who like myself as a road warrior for decades

He's been pounding it out. Just a hilarious comic. He's clean, which I don't like. I don't like clean comedians because they make me feel dirty. But he's kind of one of these clean comics who just is that way. He's not, I don't like clean comics who try to be clean, even though then you talk to them offstage

and they're fucking perverts. He's just a good guy. His last special got like 3 million views on YouTube. He's buddies with Nate Bragazzi. Nate produced this special that he's got out now. I forget what it's called. I'll figure it out. Went to West Point, All American Wrestler, Seth Meyers, Late Late Show, Comedy Central Presents, Burt Kreischer's podcast, Adam Carolla, any last comic standing.

Anyway, you probably know if you don't, you got to check out his special. It's really great. It's on Nate Burgots, he's called Nate Land on YouTube. That's the channel and the special's out now. Please welcome my guest, Greg Warren. I mean, what else do you need to say? That's it, I guess.

Yeah, yeah. You think I need anything? I always feel the need to explain myself more. My name doesn't care that much. I don't know No Warren is very sort of non Racial, I don't know if it's German if it's English if it's I think I mean they were That side of the family my dad's had a family were were Jews from Long Island

I think it may be some English, some Eastern European. Got it. I'm guessing you didn't do the ancestor DNA test. No, no, man. Why get on the grid? Now they got your DNA. Because one of them just, I think 23 and me just went out of business and they sold everybody's info like 20 million people's info to like a target, an ad targeting. Not only that, no, oh no, medical, medical. So now they know if you've got markers for cancer, they can decide whether or not to cover you based on you spitting into a tube to find out if you were German. Yeah. Yeah, the German the German, those commercials,

the early ones were, you know, I thought I was Norwegian, it turns out I'm Chinese. I'm like, well, I could have told you, man, you're Chinese. You're Chinese, right? Yeah, I found out I was German, now I gotta wear these laterhosen.. You don't man. You don't I? Yeah, I found out that I'm Irish and I realized I'm not drinking enough Yeah, I need to fill out the you know

The best is when you fight when a guy finds out that he's part black which I think a lot more people sure Yeah, and they realize well well I've got to stop being racist now yeah you think you think they I don't know I think maybe they don't I think maybe they they they're so conflicted in me it's like when a guy's gay and he is overly hard on on gay people yeah. I would bet that's most homophobes. Yeah, or the, I just feel like it must be really disappointing to some guys, you know, like the guy who's just a little bit or thinks he's really Irish or Scottish or German and just his personality leans way, way into that. It's like, well, you know, I'm from the old guy and then they you're not actually that must be a horrible moment well my my brother-in-law

he's like part Filipino I can't do this podcast is this your rider yeah because you spell Filipino wrong yeah you wrote pH oh Oh yeah, it's F-I, right? Yeah, it's F-I. So anyway, he's a construction worker, so he gets dark brown in the summer. And so his daughter was asking him, Martin Luther King Day was coming up, she goes, we get that off, right, because you're black?

He's not black at all. Right. And then she would make, she goes, we get that off, right? Because you're black? He's not black at all. And then she would make, she'd use the black crayon when she was in preschool to make the picture of him. Oh really? Yeah. Well listen, you've been on this podcast before, but it was over the phone. I don't think, no I don't think I have.

I thought you called in a story one time. No, there's guys doing me to try to get on podcasts. Really? Yeah, that wasn't me, man. No kidding. Yeah, yeah. All right. I'm trying to remember if we've even met before.

I met you one time in New York, I think. Just like a brief. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just doing a show together or something. Right, right. And I've seen you for a long time. Well. Yeah.

I think I started in Houston and you, I think you were one of the first guys maybe to come through the laugh stop. The laugh stop. Yeah, yeah, back when they were like, are we gonna start booking these new guys? Like, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was probably about 97.

Yeah. And Mark Babbitt was there. Babbitt was there. I was a comedian, sort of. I was selling peanut butter and potato chips to grocery stores in Houston. Oh, OK. Pringles, Jif.

I'm name brand dropping. I just wonder if you would eat those two things together. Pringles and Jif? It feels like you'd need a lot of water. Yeah, I mean, it's not, Pringles is, it's a great product for a lot of reasons, but it's not a dippable chip in the peanut butter. It's not gonna stand up to the Jif.

Right, right, right, right. It's more of like a, it's a novelty. Cause it's ultimately not a great chip taste-wise. Listen, I was joking about the Filipino thing, but you can't you can I? Get my kid. I gave ten years of my life to this brand Loyalty. Yeah. Yeah, I mean It's a fantastic chip. How much would you eat it? this a lot when I was I got a job in the the the

I got promoted. I'm not bragging, over years I got promoted and went to the headquarters in Cincinnati and at that point you could just walk down to the brand, the marketing guys, and get whatever you wanted. And I was probably eating a can a day at that point. No way. Yeah, I was in my probably early 30s.

Yeah, I was doing a can. Did you get a belly from that? I would work out, I don't think I look good, but I would work out how hard enough to get rid of some of it. The thing that got me, probably the beginnings of a belly was GIF was testing this thing called GIF sensations. And it was it was, uh, yeah, I know it didn't it didn't go. But it was a chocolate jiff, a raspberry jiff, and I think a cinnamon jiff. And I don't know why it didn't go,

because it was the greatest thing I've ever eaten in my life. And it wasn't my project, but Mike Zittle, right next door, the other project manager, I just go in. Oh, Zittle, yeah. Yeah, Z-Man, I'd be like, Z-Man, can I have some, and he'd just give me a can of chocolate jiff,

and it was fantastic. Z-Man, I'd be like, Z-Man, can I have some, and he'd just give me a can of chocolate Jif, and it was fantastic. Now, Jif, it was Procter & Gamble that I worked for. They don't own Jif anymore, they spun it off. But Smuckers, who owns it, they brought back, they have a chocolate Jif now. Now, what about when they mixed Jif with a jelly in the jar? Yeah.

I don't think that was Jif. That was peanut butter. Oh, I thought it was Jif with a jelly in the jar? I don't think that was Jif. That was peanut butter. Oh, I thought it was Jif. I did like a, a few years ago, I did a special where I talked a lot about peanut butter and I would always get these people be like, what about the peanut butter and jelly? I'd be like, there's this guy, Brian Regan,

he did a bit on it and I, there's really nothing for me to say on that. Like I covered everything that I could about peanut butter, but I was like, I just can't. This guy has the best bit on peanut butter and jelly and I just can't do it. Wow. That's tough. Yeah. Because that's your thing.

Yeah, man. I mean, I feel like I maybe could have done it, but he beat me to it and he's fantastic. He's awesome. That is tough when you come up with a bit, or I guess you didn't even have the bit. You just knew not to write the bit. I just knew not, yeah.

As you're going through everything to do with peanut butter, I'm like, yeah, that's the one place where it's like, you're not gonna. I know, I had like 30 minutes on Hotpockets. I had no idea. Is that right? No. Yeah, there's a guy.

A guy. Yeah. I mean, if you wanna mark a point in someone's career where they took off, like I started with Gaffigan in New York. Did you? Yeah. And he talked about, like, he was edgy. Was he really?

Oh my God. Yeah. Jim Gaffigan was dark. He was like, he was like the guy that all the comics stood in the back and watched because he didn't know what he was gonna say. We used to do crazy shit. I was on stage and he would go and he would start collecting glasses off the tables.

And then I would go, what are you doing? We're doing a show. And he would go, eep, ah, oop, ah, oop, ah. And he would just make weird noises and he'd keep collecting glasses like he was the busboy. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he was crazy and then all of a sudden he did that Hot Pocket bit and this is pre-internet.

Hot Pocket was pre-internet. Was it? Well, it was pre-like, you know, pre-Clip World. Yeah, it was pre like, you know, pre-clip world. Yeah, it was pre-clip. Yeah. And it blasted off and it kind of went like, light bulb went off. Yeah.

And he just kind of laid into food the way you lay into stuff like, like I watched your special The Champ. Oh, thanks man. Dude, it's so good. Thanks buddy. It's just so, I Dude, it's so good. Thanks buddy. It's just so, I mean, there's not a dip in that whole fucking special. I mean, there were a few, we took them out.

Oh, you did. Yeah, I noticed there was a, I noticed a couple of hard cuts. Yeah, there were a couple of hard cuts. There was one, I don't know what I was thinking, man. There was this one bit towards the end and I was talking about how I went to this corporate, I did a gig for these farmers

and they sent this old guy to pick me up and take me to the gig. I was supposed to meet him at Hardee's. Yeah, I know. I'm not making myself sound very good here. But listen, I've done gigs where I met him at like Red Lobster. So, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, wow, okay. Back off. Yeah. But, so they send this old guy to pick me up, and he goes, hey, how you doing? And he shakes my hand, and he does that thing where he comes in shallow, and he purposely squeezes my fingers and hurts my fingers.

So I had a bit about it and I was like, I was calling somebody up from the stage to demonstrate. Oh, okay. Like that way. Yeah. And I was just, it was fun for me to do and I was like, well, I'll just do that in the special. And I asked some people, hey, shit,

and they're like, yeah, yeah, that'll be great, you know? And then my buddy, like the night before, he's like, hey man, it's not that good. Like, like. You need your friends to be honest with you. Yeah, you do. And my buddy was like, it's not, he's like, if you're gonna bring somebody on stage,

it should probably be something huge. And it goes, it's not, it's just a nice thing. Right. And so I did it. It was towards the end. Yeah, and I did it. Where you're supposed to be building. Yeah, I did it.

And I was like, he's right, man, it's not. So we just cut the whole thing. Yeah, I did it and I was like, he's right, man, it's not. So we just cut the whole thing. Yeah, I noticed that your special was like 52 minutes and I was like, something's missing here. Yeah, man. My special I think was 56 minutes or something. 56, yeah. I cut something, well basically the first,

I showed it to Dave Attell and he's like, dude, you don't get going until five minutes in. He goes chop the whole beginning. Yeah. And I looked at it and I was like, holy shit he's right. Yeah. They were good jokes but I was nervous

and they just weren't landing. And then all of a sudden I got like a couple big laughs and it just let me breathe. And so my special doesn't start with me walking on stage. Mine neither. I'm at the mic just talking. I like that the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that.

So there's a couple things there, man. I would never send my special to Dave Attell. Because I'm like, what am I gonna, I'm gonna send my special to a genius? Well, a lot of this stuff isn't genius-like. I would just not do it, Greg. Yeah, but you probably sense it's Nate Bargotse. Yeah, Nate was heavily involved in the last one.

He produced this one. He's so off in the stratosphere now doing stuff. He definitely had some input, but he was the guy. On the last special, the peanut butter one, he gave me like three notes and they were all such, and one of them was, don't walk up to the stage. I really like your first joke, just start with that. And then, I think I want, I mean, he's like, this title,

I wanted to call it like Peanut Butter Boy or something stupid, and he's like, no, no, we're not doing that. And then, yeah, so he had really, really good input. But yeah, David Tell, you know, I don't know, it's funny because, you know, I work clean now, I didn't always, but for the last 10 years and I, somebody will come up to you and be like, you know, I think what you do is, you know, it's, it's, it's easier or it's harder than what those guys that, and I'm like, go watch this guy, David, tell if you think that's

easy. He's a genius. Like you can't. He's a genius, man. Yeah. I mean, it's just, it's just so crazy to try to make a distinction as good or bad or better. I mean, it's like art, you know, we're all doing a different genre and subgenre and we're trying to find our own voice and what makes us feel good. And you know what happens with you is that I think the audience gets so comfortable because your ratio of hits is so high that they start to just roll the laughs over because they trust the next one will be good. As opposed to like an edgy comic where you don't know what's coming next. And you know they're going to take you to the edge. Like I just worked with Louis C.K. this weekend and he said some shit that was like child

molestation stuff. And you go like, well how is it going to pull out of this one? And the audience is like this. So it's a very different experience. Yeah. I always think I, and I don't know as a point of insecurity, I always like, like to have that sort of, oh, here's the chunk of material. We just sort of get going and there's, there's momentum. And I, but I, I enjoy watching this stuff where it's this guy, it's like, I'm going to say this thing and you're not going to go where it's going to, I'm going to just stare into the camera and pause. And you know, I really like watching some of that.

I like that there is like a camp of comics now that are just trying to say certain words and then standing there defiantly. Like, oh, you're not cool enough to think that it's funny. And it's like, no, you're not doing the work. The jokes aren't there. Yeah, there is.

And you drill down. I mean, you go into a topic, like the whole thing about Walgreens. And by the way, just so you know, I have Walgreens jokes too. Oh yeah, yeah, man, do you? Yeah. That's fine, buddy.

I think there's a lot of people, there's a lot of Walgreens out there, man. Mine are about erectile dysfunction and things that we don't talk about. But like I talk about how when you're online you gotta yell out your phone number, you know, and this guy has erectile dysfunction so I start texting him, how's your dick? Isn't that weird how they make you say your phone number? I never thought about that.

Just call him up. Hey man. He's like, who is this? And I'm like, Walgreens pharmacist just following up. That's great, man. Take it. No, it's. I've been doing yours since I saw your special.

Take it, man. That needs to go away. When we started, cause I started out in Boston with just a lot of killers. Yeah, I heard you, I was listening to an episode you were talking about, you and Meanie were friends? Meanie was the class above us,

but he was one of my best friends. He was like more of a mentor to me. But then I started with Rogan and Burr and Patrice and David Cross and Mark Maron and all these guys and a bunch of us, Tom Cotter. Yeah, I love Cotter, man. Cotter was like my best friend. That guy is great, man.

Yeah, he's great. And we all had, me, him and Rogan, a couple of other guys, there was a pool of jokes. And if you were doing woe burn mass on a Tuesday night at a Chinese restaurant, dude, all those jokes were in your arsenal. Really, man? There was like a guy in the back of the room Dude, all those jokes were in your arsenal. Really, man? There was like a guy in the back of the room screaming, hey, I fucked your mother. Hey, I fucked your mother.

And you're like, dad, shut up. Like we all did that. Like it was in our first year. So this was, oh, that was the joke. That was the whole joke. You didn't rely on a person to say that. No, no, no, we would just say I I had a show last night, it was pretty rough. There's a guy in the back screaming,

hey, I fucked you. And you know, all the guys shows up late, hey sir, little late, can I get you something? Like a watch? Oh yeah, man, God, I did that. I think I- We all did it. I did that. There's stuff I'm not proud of,

like early, early on where I was in over my head. And you know, it's like everybody thinks, and I was like, I did, I remember seeing Tom Rhodes doing that bit. And I did the watch thing. Somebody showed up late and on the back, I was like, you just did Tom Rhodes? Yeah, but it's not Tom Rhodes.

Yeah, exactly. It's probably more, you know. Every comic in their first year. No, I think it's like, it's not Tom Ross. Yeah, exactly. It's probably more, you know. Every comic in their first year. No, I think it's like training wheels. You know, you just gotta learn how to be on stage and get your confidence. And then hopefully over time, you're always challenging yourself.

I think, you know, how many years you've been doing it now? I started in college in the late 80s. I was in college and the late 80s. I was in college and I did it a couple times, but I didn't quit my day job until. Yeah, that's what I did. I did a couple times in college and then later. Yeah, they got me in like a contest that I signed up for. And in and out of college, I did it, but not much.

And then I took the job and I was like, you know, I wish I could say like I knew, but I would like do it for a while and then I'd have a terrible set and I'd be like, I'm making a lot of money selling peanut butter like this, I'm not that good at this, and then I finally, 2001, after 10 years at Procter & Gamble, I was like, I'm just gonna give it a shot.

And I thought for sure, I was like. Was this all in St. Louis? That was in Cincinnati at the time, yeah. I went Houston, which is where I became aware of you, and then Cincinnati. But I was like, you know how back then, it's still pretty much the same, you have an opener, a middle, and a headliner,

and I was always the opener. I was the guy, it was an opener in Dayton, in Cincinnati, in Columbus permanently. And it's a horrible job, you know? It's awful. And I just- You're the first one on stage, they're still sitting down, they're ordering drinks.

Yeah. They haven't gelled as a crowd yet. Yeah. And I was just really fascinated with what it would be like to be the second guy. You know, like I was like, I just wanna be the second guy. So I literally quit a job making over $100,000,

stock options, like all this stuff. Health insurance. All of it, so I could be the second guy, and I figured I'm just gonna go out and do this for a couple years, then I'm gonna probably have to go back and sell something somewhere. I didn't think that I could do it permanently, but I just was like, I really wanna be the second guy.

That and I wanna not have to wake up and, if it's like you meet girls at the show and everybody's going to a bar, I wanna do that for a year. Instead of going home soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, I gotta ask you real quick. You went to West Point at the same time as my cousin,

Michael. Oh, really? Michael Hoynes, yeah, he was on the lacrosse team. Really, I don't think I, I only went for a year. All right, yeah, his older brother, Robbie, went and he played lacrosse and then Michael went and he played lacrosse there. Wow, and they graduated? Yeah, yeah, yeah. went and he played lacrosse and then Michael went and he played lacrosse. Wow, and they stayed graduated? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Had to go into the military. Did they stay in or? No, they each did. My cousin Michael got, he got cut loose after like three years because they were downsizing the army or something. Graham Rudman. That was the Graham Rudman act that downsized the army. Yeah, so he got, you know, free college and then you know the benefits that you get for life for doing... Oh yeah, man. Oh yeah. Yeah. So he did pretty well and now he does, I think he sells like helicopters to

the military or something. Oh wow. He sells helicopters, but they both turned out great. I think it's not probably, I have heard that they are the most heavily recruited college graduates in the country because not only is it a great academic school, but people are coming out with the discipline like no other school and leadership skills. Yeah. I mean, I could say they should. I mean, and you, cause you're not, they're not recruiting them. They're recruiting them after they've been in the army for five years. Right.

You know, you got to give them five years. So you're a second lieutenant in the army with people responsibility. It was weird though, because, you know, I sort of figured once I quit West Point, I went the first year, I went the whole first year, the plebe year, and then I just- That's a tough one, right? It is. It was brutal. It was really hard.

And I thought, well, I just ruined all my chances. But I remember when I got out of college and then I was working for Procter & Gamble for a while, I had a couple of my friends from West Point be like, hey, you think you could get me a job at West Point? I'm like, well, see, they're not any better off than- Yeah, yeah, yeah. get me a job at West Point, I'm like, well see, they're not any better off than, you know. Right, but when you were at West Point, did you feel like,

did you feel like that was something that you had wanted to do? Like did you grow up saying I wanna go to West Point? Like how did that occur to you? Cause most kids don't even think about West Point when they're applying to colleges I mean if I'm honest with myself, there's like a few things that happen What so I was I was a really good wrestler and in high school and pretty good in college

But and so in high school the cover you're all-american in college. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, it's it's it's it's good I was I took seventh in the country my my senior year, which the top eight get all American. Oh shit. What was your weight class? 158. You've put on a few pounds since then. I don't know what you're talking about, man. It seems maybe a few. Pringles. I don't know what you're saying. It's always when the guy starts wearing the t-shirt that has longer sleeves just you're

just trying to start covering a little more. I don't think I'm not this I think this is a fashion statement this isn't a concealing anything. Oh hey now there's the guns baby. That's so sad when you're your age and you still go to the gym that much. I'm not I'm. You go to therapy man. I know man I've been. Have you still go to the gym that much. I'm not, I'm... You're in a therapy, man. I know, man.

I've been... Have you been to therapy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What'd you figure out? Well, I have a thing called the... It's a form, like some OCD stuff. Oh, interesting. Yeah.

And now I can't remember it because I'm under pressure, but it's like scruplosity, I think it's called. It's like feeling guilty about stuff that you either did or did not do. Interesting. Yeah, yeah. And when do you think that started? Definitely as a child. Yeah.

I mean, I remember being like, my brother's big track truck is broken. And I'm like, I don't remember doing it, but maybe I did do it. Wow. Yeah. I mean, crazy person. Yeah, and I would be like, I did it, I did it. Did you grow Catholic? No, I didn't. So you weren't confessing.

No, I mean, I was. Because that's a Catholic mindset. When I went to the therapist, like the guy one of the first times, he was like, are you religious? I go, no. He goes, most of the people that have what you have are religious. Yeah.

Or, you know, when I was like, no, I just, my mom was Catholic, my dad was Jewish and we didn't really do any of it. Yeah. Yeah. I would like, as a child, I would confess to stuff that I didn't do. Really? Yeah. Yeah. My kids have the opposite of that.

Yeah. They deny everything. My daughter one time, she was playing with my son and a neighbor and they were in the bathroom and I heard this crash and I walk in and the shower curtain was hanging down. There was one clip left and it was hanging down. I said, who did this? Clearly they were playing Tarzan or something.

I go, who did this? And my son goes, I didn't do it. And then I said to the neighbor, did you do this? And he said, no, I didn't do it. And then I said to my daughter, did you do this? And she goes, no. But if I did, what would happen? And I was like, you did it!

How old was she at the time? Seven. Yeah, okay. So you have this disorder and you only realize you have it like as an adult? Yeah, I was in one of those, when I was living in New York, there was this freelancer's union thing you could join I was in one of those, when I was living in New York, there was this freelancer's union thing you could join

to sort of get a little bit of discount on healthcare. Oh, I remember that, yeah, yeah. So, and the office was in Brooklyn, and I went in and it was just like a normal checkup thing, and they were just, you fill out the questionnaire, and they were like, you know, are you depressed? And I mean, for my whole life, I'm like, no, I'm not depressed, I'm fine. Like, this is stupid, you know, are you depressed? And I mean, for my whole life, I'm like, no, I'm not depressed, I'm fine.

This is stupid, you know? And then just that day, I don't know, it happened to me like, yeah, yeah, a little bit, you know? So she started asking me questions. And I never, like, I'm not comfortable talking about a lot of it because it's like, you're gonna, in my head, I was like, I'm gonna tell you this stuff that I did or didn't do,

90% I didn't do it, you're gonna think that I did do it. And like, I'm gonna tell you this stuff that I did or didn't do, 90% I didn't do it. You're gonna think that I did do it. And like, I don't wanna talk about this. So the guy, the doctor, he's really good, man. He was like, hey man, this is something that I think there's a social worker that's part of our practice. And I'm not talking to a social worker.

He's like, just trust me on this, just talk to me. So I was like, I just got up the courage and sort of told her the stuff that was in my head. And she was like, this is a form of OCD. She goes, I promise you it is. She goes, this is a thing. And she goes, I want you to go see a therapist. I'm gonna find the perfect person for this.

Therapy was born in the Upper West Side of New York. There's somebody that, and she was like, I was like, okay. And I went in and the guy like said, yeah, this is a thing. It's called scrupulosity OCD. And it literally, at that point, it took about 90% of it away. I was like, just because I was like, this is only Greg Warren's crazy head that this is going on. Like there's no way that this is a thing. I'm the only freak that has this and when they said there's a word for it, I was like oh maybe

you know and that helped. Then I went a little bit there and then I didn't and then I went I found a guy in St. Louis that's really good and I went for a while and he was like hey I think you're all right you know. He goes down you don't seem to be suffering too much. Right. So is it you do like cognitive behavioral therapy, like check your thoughts, question your thoughts? Yeah, it's exposure. So like, if you know, if you're afraid of germs, they have you lick the floor or whatever. With this, it's a little trickier, but they're like, I want you to just say this thing out loud that you think you might have done, write it down,

and then just sit with it for, you know, 10 minutes or something. And so, yeah, I think it helped. I mean, I'm not sure, I don't think it's something you cure, and it's something that I probably, at some point should go back and talk to him about. Well, it is interesting that people think about cures for mental illnesses, and you just live with it. You know, you learn how to recognize it, control it, not react to it, and you live with it. And then like in your case, I could see how OCD has led you to I started to talk

about how you drill down on bits like you have the ability to hyper focus on a topic and continue chipping away and finding another angle finding another beat most comics they kind of find one or two or three beats and they go hey I got a chunk and then they move on. Yeah, thanks for noticing that. And I didn't really get it going that way until maybe in the last seven years or something. But I think part of it is, you know, because I'm crazy. And then the other part is a few people,

Burbiggs, who's a guy that I sort of started around the same time that I've been friends with for, he always said this thing to me, he was like, man, you're finding false bottoms here in these premises. You think you're done and you're not done. And then I told you when we were walking, I'm staying with my buddy Mark Gross, who's a, he's a great comic,

he's been a TV writer for the last 20 years. And he was telling me, he's worked on a bunch of those Chuck Lorre shows, and he was telling me like, those guys find the cracks within the cracks within the cracks. Like those guys, if they're on something, they go so far down. So, I don't know, I just got to this point where,

and I also think maybe if it's the one joke, I may not be able to write the one joke. If it's like, okay, we're gonna, remember back in the 90s or whatever, it's like everybody had a joke about Domino's is putting cheese in the crust. So everybody's got a joke about the Domino's stuffed crust pizza.

And I remember thinking, I don't think my joke, no matter how hard, it's not gonna be in the top 10% of the cheese crust pizza jokes. So I was like, I either gotta write about stuff that nobody's writing about like myself or then that sort of morphed in. I just need to go deep, deep with like 20 jokes

about that thing. Right, right, right. Yeah, and it's, and they're all in your voice. Like you have a very specific kind of you're not cynical but you're like the every man who's angry about stuff and So I think you channel The thing that stand-up needs so much which is that energy of like I'm gonna say the thing you kind of can't say Yeah, but you're not doing it in a way that's

cynical. No, yeah. And I love a lot of cynical comics too. I really enjoy a lot of cynical comics. I like a lot of dirty comics. I like all of them, but I just sort of found like, eh, this is maybe what works for me. And so I think there's a discipline to doing that too because continuing to sit with a premise or a topic and continue to examine it, that takes like a, first of all, you have to be fearless because a lot of us feel like there's a piece of ore and you chip away and you find the gem and that's it. Yeah. And to think, no, I can go further with this. There's a fear of failure that most people have

that don't allow them to keep digging. Yeah. I think it's, I don't know if it's fearless. I think all of us have that fearlessness after a while. If you're working enough where it's like, I'm gonna go do this club that I do every couple years in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, and there's seven nights of shows. Why is there seven nights of shows? I mean, they just do, their club is open Monday through Sunday in the summer.

Oh, in the summer, because it's a vacation. It's a vacation spot. And it's like, I mean, I can fail as much. And I can do an hour and a half if I want to. And we're not gonna fail. It's not gonna be a horrible set. If it is, something's wrong. I don't mean the performance.

I mean, most comics can't sit down and try to push themselves to think on the same area. Yeah. We're so, most have ADD and they just jump. Like I got a notepad in my phone and I jot down thoughts. Yeah, me too. Yeah. And then I sort of write out a little bit and then I try it on stage and if it's working,

I'm kind of like, all right, I'm done. But to stay with it, do you think that you grew up as an athlete and I know it was only a year, but you did go to West Point for a year. Do you think you have a certain discipline that a lot of other comics don't have? I mean, I'm looking at my life and like just flash over the last three weeks and be like, there's 37 undisciplined moments. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I mean, I think I do have the ability to be like, I sort of know, like if you want anything that's gonna be good, there has to be a certain amount of work to put into it.

And it's uncomfortable. Yeah, there it is. I think that's the thing. I think the tendency, and I tell like some of the younger comics, the tendency is you're writing on this premise and you're like, you sort of premise hop and you're like, well, I didn't find anything good

in five minutes there. That means I probably need to skip to the other thing. And it's like, actually the inverse is probably if you're not finding it and you do think there's something there and you're not finding it right away, it may wind up, that's the place where you should sit forever.

And by sit forever, I mean that day, but keep going back to that for a few days, few minutes every day, and just like, that's probably where you should invest. It's like, it's not coming easy, but once you break it, it's probably gonna be something that has some depth to it. Yeah, I find that my good writing is when I sit down, because I'll write for two or three hours sometimes,

and I do, I only get to two things. Yeah. But you know, a run, you try to get, and then of that, you're gonna try it on stage, of that, you know, amount, say you write three pages, you're only gonna do half of one of those pages on stage and then a tenth of that will work. So you've got to, if you want to understand how much shit gets thrown at the walls, stand

up. Just stacks full of notebooks of terrible ideas or un-executable ideas. The other thing, I don't know why I thought of it when you were saying that, is like you write and you're like, okay, I wanna write about this. And you just, you get like, you start, and it goes off to this branch. And then you go on stage and you say, all this stuff about this.

And the only thing that gets a laugh is that thing that's on the farthest tangent out here. And I didn't learn this until I go, you need to be willing to cut everything off. And it's now the premise is just that this thing that is Barely associated with the thing that you started writing about and start with that and that's the new thing to write about Yeah, cuz I'm guilty of it. Sometimes I'll have a bit and after a while I go especially if I'm gonna do a special I'm looking to really trim stuff. I go this setup was how it evolved organically

It does it's not the way it should be presented Yeah, it's like you said like get rid of the whole trunk get rid of everything except for that blue Yeah, that little thing over there. Yeah, right. Yeah, you said you write for two or three hours. I heard you say something Where there's like some app that you're yeah, it's called the Pomodoro. Yeah. And it's a 25 minute, you hit start and it goes for 25 minutes and then an alarm goes off. And then you have five minutes to check your emails. I have a dart board in my office. Sometimes I just shoot darts for five minutes,

but you stop doing it. And then the alarm goes off after five minutes and then you sit down again. I gotta do that. So I'll do like five or six cycles of that. Yeah. And what happens then is during that 25 minutes, you don't answer your phone, you don't check the news. I'll go online a little bit if I need to research what I'm having that I'm writing about, but otherwise I stay offline. That's great.

Yeah. I mean, I masturbate. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, that's part of the 25. Yeah, sure, man. I mean, you're an artist. 24 of that, one minute of writing. Then I get a five minute break. Wait a minute, 24? Well, you know, sometimes it takes me a while to find the right video. You said you weren't on the internet. Yeah, but for that. I got no, especially when you go on the road, you can't look at the internet in Texas, Florida. You can't look at porn. Have you tried to watch porn in the South?

No. They filter it now. I'm sure I have. I don't know. I mean, I was in Florida and I didn't actually This this past I was in Florida and I did and it said You have to be 18 you have to show proof So you have to hold your driver's license up to the camera of don't do that jerk Yeah, don't do that I was just freestyling it all week. Yeah, it was hard

Yeah, don't do that. So I was just freestylin' it all week. It was hard, I didn't think I had it in me. You're an imaginative guy. I am, yeah. Come on. But you know what's weird is I went pretty far back. And I didn't go all the way back, but I was thinking like, are you allowed,

because really, there was never anything that turned you on as much as girls in high school. When you were in high school, and they had on their little cheerleading outfit or whatever, but then I thought, am I allowed to go back to Julie Goldstein now because she's 16. I'm 59, but am I grandfathered in

because I first started at 16? So you knew her when you were 16 and she was 16. Correct. Yes. Yeah, there's probably some ethicist, is that what they call them? The ethicist. Yeah, there's always an ethicist that would like... Right.

I'm going to put it out to my listeners. Write me, fitsdogradio at gmail.com. Do you think it's wrong? And I'm not talking about pulling the yearbook off the shelf. That's one step too far. But if it's in my head. Well let me answer you right there and this is areas that I don't get into very often but I don't want to get in trouble with your whole dry bar whatever this clean channel is on SiriusXM. But I will say one of the things I think I did learn and think you cannot be held accountable

for what's in your head. Like if there's if if what was in my head was punishable, I'd be doing time forever. If you're Catholic, that is literally what happens. They can't do that. Right. They cannot do that. Right. Covet. Covet.

Not do it. Think about wanting to do it as coveting. That's two of the commandments. Right, but they're wrong. And I'm not taking a shot at somebody's religion. I'm just saying, you know, it's that whole don't think of a purple gorilla. Well, yeah, yeah. It's like you can't if if if me salvation is based

on what's in my head it's already yeah it was over a long time ago right yeah there's horrible things in there yeah and it is with therapy like Maria Bamford is really brave about sharing all the stuff that she she had intrusive thoughts that were yeah really, like sexual stuff, incestual stuff, and she couldn't get it out of her head. And so she realized that it was a form of OCD. It's OCD. Yeah.

Yeah. And she, like I said before, she's not over it, but she can deal with it now. And it's just like you said, recognizing it and knowing that you're not the only one. Yeah. Let's the air out of it. Yeah, man, I'm glad to hear say that. Like, yeah, I read, you know, he would tell me, I read this book about intrusive thoughts and I read about it and there was, they would go back to like the first guy who had scrupulosity like in the 1400s.

And I remember like reading it about it. I'm like, well, this guy, I'm not near as bad off as it, like this poor guy is like, he's miserable. Because I think I have somewhat of a moral compass, but not like him. So did you grow up in St. Louis? Yeah. But you live there now?

Yeah, yeah. Nikki Glazer's there now, do you ever see her? Same high school as I went to. No way. Yeah, she was. She's a little younger than you though. Yeah, quite a bit. Yeah.

We don't have to keep pointing out that, I don't weigh 158 and that I'm old and that, no, I know she's- You have beautiful eyes. Thanks, man, thanks. You get that a lot? People have mentioned it on both sides of it though. They used to make fun of me as a kid,

and then now the special Funny you for having nice. They called me. They said I wore mascara when I was in there When I was a kid, yeah, and I thought that I was done with that and then this special there was They did a fine job But there was some lighting stuff and color correction stuff that because of the lighting that we couldn't quite and man It's like this guy's hilarious. This guy's really funny, like nice things, and it's like, this one sticks in my head, like who did my boy's makeup?

They massacred his face. Really? Or like this guy's wearing eye makeup, this guy's wearing lipstick, this guy's wearing eye, it's like for every 10, there's like this guy's wearing eye makeup, this guy's wearing lipstick, and whatever they did sort of accentuated whatever's weird about my eyes.

And yeah, man, I'm like, my favorite, I sent it to a few friends. I'm like, they, cause that one is worse cause they're sticking up for me. Like they're, whenever they're defending, you know, they're kind of telling a truth. So they're like, they massacred my boy's face. I just wrote back, I was like, nah, dog,

that's my face, man. Like, you can't put this on there. Anything to get him talking. Yeah, you're right. You just want those comments. The algorithm is all about how many comments he gets going. God, man, on the not this special with the last one,

I said, I had about a 10 minute chunk about nurses and I was making fun of nurse practitioners. And they just lashed out at me and then they started fighting with the doctors and then it was like this whole thing this has nothing to do with me but I am getting crazy amounts of views on these clips because these people are in this like just philosophical argument along with you know people that have philosophy and then just internet morons, but it was like, I'm like at three million views

because these people are fighting. Yeah, it's not because of the quality. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they scared me. My nurse friends are like, hey man, you don't wanna mess with the nurse practitioners. And the funny thing is like, we posted the clip in its, when you could post you know, it was like,

when you could post longer clips, it was like two or three minutes. And nobody hated me, because it was like, they saw. But then when we posted the minute, there wasn't enough context to know that I don't hate nurse practitioners. So they were like, this guy's, and they're like, they're gonna take you down, man.

I swear I didn't yeah, I like them So when you did your last special that was on they were both YouTube and this one's on YouTube Yeah, yeah, Nate's YouTube three million views. That's pretty good, man. Yeah that that that one was on YouTube and then it went to Hulu and did pretty well there too, So what do you attribute the, I mean I know you're a big Bob and Tom guy, that probably helped a lot. Yeah. Nate's endorsement probably helped a lot. Nate's helped. I'm trying to think.

I think for some reason the peanut butter thing just caught on with people. I just, people eat peanut butter and I think it kind of caught on. That was your Jim Gaffigan moment. Yeah man. Youraffigan moment. Yeah, man. Your Hot Pocket moment. Actually, The Times did a review and said, mentioned Gaffigan and Hot Pockets. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is great. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, it was really cool. So yeah, I mean, I think the Nate thing definitely helped a ton. He just gave me a golf bag. Oh, did he?

Yeah, he was out in LA play We were playing one of these like charity so like yeah tournaments and he won he did. Yeah, he's good man Yeah, I know he's I mean I went I just went to Europe with him and They play I yeah, you were with Greg Garcia. Yeah. Yeah, he's very high. Oh, he's the best way golf He's opening for me This at the Ice House on Saturday. Oh, great. Yeah, did you hear the story with that, man?

What? So he went to- He had never done stand-up before. He'd never done stand-up. People don't know, Greg Garcia is a pretty famous showrunner. He created Yes, Dear. My Name is Earl. My Name is Earl.

I mean, tons of shows. Yeah. He's just the greatest dude. He really is. Great dude. He's a great dude. He is like really a great dude. Yeah he's awesome. Yeah. So we go to Europe and I think Nate at one point was like, hey man you ought to open one of these shows or something, you're gonna be with us. He was just kind of hanging out. It was me, Mike Vecchione and Nate and he's like, you know they were in Vegas I think for Vecchione's bachelor party, and he was like, you should do one,

you're gonna be out there. So I was like, all right, and so we're on the plane, and he says to the tour manager, he's like, hey, which one of the shows am I opening? He goes, I didn't book an opener, you're opening all of them. In different countries. In different countries, man.

Meanwhile, I've been doing stand-up for 30 years, and I'm racking my brain to be like, is any of this stuff gonna be relatable? I'm doing best of. And so he goes out there and he's good. Like, he's good. And then he came down to Irvine last month. I was like, hey, I'm in town, come do.

And I was like, this guy's got new material and it's better. Like you can see, like, I'm like, dude, you might catch the bug here. Yeah, yeah, it's like, it's good. Like you can see like, I'm like, dude, you might catch the bug here. Yeah, yeah, it's like, it's good. And then he's like, I just text him. He's like, I got some new stuff, man. And yeah.

Okay, all right. Yeah, he's, he's, it's really cool to see, man. I've never, all of a sudden, I've never seen anybody go up and be that good, that quickly. He's the weirdest guy because he's worth so much money. Yeah. You know, he owns a piece of these shows.

Yeah. And then we golf at his country club and he spends half the time in the woods looking for golf balls. Does he really? He'll come out with his shirt out, filled with balls like a pouch. And then the golf cart, all the compartments,

I'm gonna fill with these balls. He's like, I got a Pro V1. I'm like, you're worth millions. Man, I'm totally, I'm still with my buddy Mark Gross, who's had a lot of success as a writer. Sure. You know, he ran a show and he's done well. And he grew up poor, so there's certain stuff in him

that is just not gonna get, so I'm, so the thermostat is at 78, man. It's 78, Greg. And there's nothing in his DNA that will ever let that thing, there's no amount of money where that will ever go down to 77, yeah. It's at 78, man. All right, let me get to a couple things I wanted to talk to you about.

You've got a podcast called The Consumers. Tim Convy. Convy? Sean O'Brien, the comedian Sean O'Brien, the writer? I don't think it's the guy you're thinking of. He's written some jokes. He's a funny guy. So what's that podcast all about?

We pick a brand and we do a deep dive every week on the brand. Did you do Jiffy and Pringles already? First of all, it's not Jiffy. It's Jiff. Yeah. Jiffy is a stove top popcorn. It's muffins, muffin mix, and it's oil, oil changes. I've never seen you this angry in my life.

Yeah man, I mean it's- You really snapped just now. I snap, I'm defending something that I was a part of, that I helped build. Yes, I get it, I get it. Yeah, yeah. The corn muffin mix brand, that's a small niche thing, man. The Stove Top Bob Gour, I don't know what kind of business they do

but it's not Jif peanut butter man it's not okay yeah all right okay I can't remember your question but I'm angry tell me about the podcast oh yeah man yeah we we haven't done Jif yet I think we might have done Pringles we did I think the Sears episode came out today. Sears? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I gotta listen to that one. If you're a kid our age, you grew up going to Sears, you got your jeans there.

Yeah, tough skins. Your dad got his power wrench there. You got your tires, you got your Christmas photo on the shed carpeting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they, man, they had everything. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and they uh man they had everything. Yeah. They had uh a craftsman I think Kenmore was the appliances. Yeah. But they had like stuff that we we didn't even know. They were all

good quality. It was affordable but it was all good quality. The catalog like changed the face of America. It was that and LL Bean those were the first catalogs. Montgomery Ward I think was the first one. Don't correct me on my part. Yeah you're right man I'm sorry. Yeah you're right man. I should have said that. First a Jiffy thing. Yeah yeah. No I should have said that in private. Yeah yeah. I'm gonna correct you but I should have said it in private. Be discreet. Yeah yeah. So yeah the Sears catalog had sections. There were hardware section, automotive section.

Yeah, and they're starting to go out of business now. I think they might all be out of business. There's eight left, I think. One of them's in Burbank. There was one on Santa Monica right by the promenade there. Really? Yeah. Yeah, they're done. They started... It's a school. It's where they relocated Brentwood when it

burnt to the ground. They moved the high school to Sears. Where'd you go to high school man? Sears. Where'd you major? Pliances. Yeah, they had, I guess, Walmart and Target started coming in under them. And then you had the department stores that were like, and they just, they were in this no man's land. They were making money till like 2010. They bought LL Bean actually. Oh, they did? Yeah. No, Land's End, I think. Land's End. Yeah, I think they bought Land's End. Like Land's End. Yeah, yeah, I

did too. My mom used to get us stuff from there. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, so that was a pretty good episode. And I thought the Kentucky Fried Chicken episode was pretty good. Kentucky Fried Chicken is in every country I've ever been in in my life. It's amazing. I mean, I was in Bali in Indonesia and they had it there. I was in Spain, I was in Hong Kong, it's everywhere. Yeah, South Africa. Really?

Yes, and it's awful. I mean, it's inedible. It's like, how do they find chickens that unhealthy that they consistently have bad meat? It didn't used to be like the Colonel. He's a fascinating guy. The Colonel is a madman. But the Colonel, at one point, he sold it. But he still was on as the Colonel, like he still is a guy that they sent him to the talk shows and they put him in the uniform. and that was him originally. Yeah, yeah.

So he's going out and he's talking to people and he's the guy. But he started getting furious with how they were changing the recipe. So he would just show up to a Kentucky Fried Chicken and order chicken and take a bite of it and throw it on the floor. That's hilarious. The Colonel was, yeah, and he swore a lot too, I guess. I think he also said the N-word just based on the outfit. I don't think.

He looks like a plantation owner from the Civil War. He does. He's got the look. Yeah. I read a lot about him, but I didn't hear anything about that. Yeah. And then I love when they had, well, Gaffigan played him. Norm MacDonald played them.

That was Darrell Hammond maybe? I mean they must have had 12 different comedians play the Colonel. That was kind of brilliant. I loved it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I love that.

Yeah. I wouldn't eat Kentucky Fried Chicken. Then there was the whole rumor in the 70s or 80s that there were rats. And Kevin, you ever heard that one? No. Oh my God, it was right around the time with the Tylenol deaths.

Yeah, I remember that, man. And then all of a sudden they were saying that Kentucky Fried Chicken is rat meat. And it was everybody, it was that, and it was Richard Gere having gerbils up his ass. Yeah, yeah, man, yeah, I definitely heard that one. Yeah. That was pre-internet.

Yeah, that was a bit, man, that really made its way around. Still around. Yeah, and has he, he said no on that, right? He's not said officially. Good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. I think that's beneath Richard to comment on that at all.

Do you take the teeth out of the gerbil first? I do. I'm gonna get in trouble. All right. Yeah, no. It's time for things. There are several gerbil dentists that. Very small pliers.

Very small pliers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. All right, it's time for fastballs with fists. Oh yeah, man. Yeah, I've heard this. Who's your closest male friend? Mark Gross.

How long you guys been that close? Worked on the road back in the 90s I think I met him. Yeah. And yeah, you know, pretty close friends for the last, you know I talk to him almost every day probably. Tell him I say hello. I will, yeah. I think he said you guys maybe did Montreal together

or something like that. Yeah. So do you find that you talk to him about stuff that's more intimate than you talk to, say even a girlfriend? I've been single for a while, but yeah., I mean if there's something that's really bothering me I can call him and yeah. You feel comfortable being intimate? Be honest about him.

That's awesome. A lot of guys don't have that. Yeah. Well I just told you and your listeners about my crazy OCD stuff which I haven't, I don't think I've discussed that too much publicly. Really? Yeah, yeah. Oh, thanks for sharing that.

Yeah, man. What are you gonna do? It's at this point, I think at this point, you're like, it's probably not gonna, this isn't all gonna work out like I would have hoped anyway, so. Yeah, we're at that age. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's so funny how many things that I held that hope for. I just go like, oh no, no, that's not, I'm not gonna host the late night talk show. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, I just want to maintain my point. Yeah. Yeah. Me. No, maintain would be really good. maintaining for five more years and then take it easy. Um, who's the worst feature act you ever showed up and had a feature act open for you? Or opener?

I would never say somebody's name. No, I wouldn't ask for the name. There was a guy, I'm trying to think about it, if I say some of it, it'll be like, oh I know who that is. You might need to know. Yeah, yeah. There was one guy I remember and he said like he cursed just incessantly, which and I used to curse. So, but I remember saying to anyone a bad guy, but it was it was like, you know, I don't

want to be the guy counting curse words, but I'd estimate it in 10 minutes. It was we were in the we're in the 500 range probably or something like that. Yeah, yeah. And he knows who he's opening for. Yeah, and I wasn't as clean back then, but I remember saying to him, because I never like, maybe it's an ego thing, be like, hey man, you should be able to follow whatever.

Don't tell the guy how to, you know. But I did, I was like, hey man, you think he could cut it to like 30 or something like that? And I wasn't being, I was like, hey man, you think he could cut it to like 30 or something like that? And I wasn't being, I was like, and then he went up, he didn't say one curse when it was great. Like he had the ability to do it like that. He was like, oh yeah man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I had a guy in Atlanta one time, he came down from New York and he was a nice kid, he was actually pretty funny. And he went up, and I think because he'd seen how comics did it in New York and he was a nice kid. He was actually pretty funny. And he went up and I think because he'd seen how comics did it in New York, he just went on stage and he did crowd work for 15 minutes, nonstop. And he came off and I'm like you, I don't wanna tell the comic what to say.

It's just to me, it creates an environment where now the crowd thinks this is a conversation. And so I told him to lighten up and then he felt so bad and then he didn't do any cry. I go, I'm not saying don't do it. I know man. Because if you're the host, you got to do a little bit. You know, people are, like I said, they're sitting down, you got to get them loose, you know, but yeah, that was a tough one.

Yeah, when I moved to New York and I went there like in my 40s, you know, and lived there for about five years, and it was great. But I remember being surprised how much crowd work was going on, I was like, whoa, man, these guys are really. Well, part of it is the clubs are super small, so you can see everybody.

Yeah, and some of them like, like one of them, the one on the Upper East. Comic strip? Comic strip, the lights are the Upper East. Comic strip? Comic strip, the lights are full. Fully on. Fully on, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

It's like in here. Yeah. What's the closest you ever got to a fist fight on stage? It was when I was living out here. I was doing the ha ha. I lived around the corner from the haha. Burbank? Yeah, North Hollywood type thing.

And I get on, it was like almost an afternoon show. And I was trying to get on stage as much as I could. So I'm on stage and well before me the host was inexperienced and there was probably 11 people on the show, if that, and there's these three young guys up front, and one of them's just openly talking on his phone, not looking at his phone, not it, right, he's having a loud conversation, and then the host was sort of inexperienced

and did that thing where like, well, let me see your phone, you know, and then he talked to the person and then it's so cute. And this guy's like, well, now I'm part of the show, you know? So we just taught that guy, like all you gotta do is be a complete jerk and you can take over the show. So I had that at the back of my mind.

Like, I'm like, I don't like it. I don't like when they think they own the show. So I get on stage and I'm eating it hard, okay? And then I had this roommate, this girl that lived with me, and she's in the back, she had just kinda walked in, and she's like, ha ha ha ha! She's trying to help me, like with her, and I'm like, just please, just let me eat it in peace.

Like this isn't helping. This is like, we all know it's not funny right now. Don't help me with this. So that's going on. I'm already mad about that. And then the guy starts talking on the phone again. And he's like, and I could tell he's doing it because he knows I'm gonna play the game.

He's like, loudly, yeah, yeah, man, yeah, yeah, no, I'm here, I go. And the door staff is doing nothing? There's no door yeah, man, yeah, yeah, no, I'm here. I go. And the door staff is doing nothing? There's no door staff, man. It's a five o'clock show at the Ha Ha Ha on a Wednesday. Like, there's no door staff. I think, so I go, hey, let me see your phone. And he could not have been happier to give me that phone

because he thinks we're gonna play the game. And I just had a flash and I just went, and it just, skipped across the floor, hit the wall, burst into like 10 pieces. Just bam, foot, and I'm like, oh boy.

Wow. Yeah, so now he's up like, let's go man, do you wanna fight? And here's my logic at the time. I'm like, I can't have a fight inside this club. These guys are,

I'm gonna get in trouble and they won't let me work the club. And I go, let's go outside. As if fighting out in front of the club is gonna be just fine. That would be just fine. So we go outside, we go outside and these three guys. And I'm.

Middly you're set, you just walk off stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The other two guys come with them? Yeah, they're out there and I'm out there. And I gotta say this, there's some things I feel bad about. Not any of this, but this, you remember, you know Dan Mintz, one of the funniest guys in the world? Dan Mintz, he's got my back, he comes out.

You could not ask for a worse guy to have your back. Here's the thing, I said that in an interview one time and Mintz heard it and I think it was out of context. He's like, I can't believe you said that, man. And I was like, I still wanna apologize to Dan. I apologize, I should apologize for the rest of my life because he had my back. Mintz is like behind me, he's like, Mince is like right there with me.

Like you go through Greg, you go through me. And I said something like, and Mince doesn't appear to be a fighter. He's about 125 pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a brilliant comic. But Mince had my back. And then, and these guys were Armenian.

And Jack, the owner of the club's Armenian. And Jack comes out and Jack's like, Greg, get inside right now, I know these guys, I don't know them personally, but I know who these guys are. They will kill you. Like he's like, I have been around people, like this is, they, like, and then, so I, and then I, like, I had a flash of reason

and I'm like, all right, Jack says go in. So I go inside and I was like, I'll pay for the phone, you know, whatever, and and I'm like, all right, Jack says go in, so I go inside and I was like, I'll pay for the phone, you know, or whatever. And then Jack's like, okay, like he got it squared away where they didn't wanna kill me or whatever. And he's like, he'll pay for your phone. And then, and they, it was like, it was, I think I had like 300 bucks,

which now is nothing, but back then, it was not a $300 phone or whatever. And I was like, I'll pay whatever, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's, I think that's definitely. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, that was, and I was like, I'll pay whatever man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's, I think that's definitely. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, that was, and I remember like freaking out and then I drove, my buddy Henry Phillips had a show down

at the Ramada Inn somewhere, I think in like, I can't remember where it was, but I went there and I got on stage and like, I remember Todd Glass was in the crowd and Nick Swartz and I told the story right after that. I was like, this just happened, man. This just happened. I was like all charged up.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now that's good. I like that you went outside with them, though. That's good. Yeah, I was like, yeah. Real smart.

You know, because like having a fight inside the club, that would be stupid. But fighting out in the street, the club owner's not gonna matter. He's not gonna mind if I just fight in, and I was like, I will fight, you know? Yeah, I was an idiot. Yeah. Two more questions.

What's the last time you apologized to somebody? And this is a good question for you because you're prone to that. My buddy and I, Sean, had a disagreement on the... Sean O'Brien? Yeah, he's one of my closest friends. Yeah. A disagreement on the podcast? Yeah, we blew up at each other, I think.

Really? Kind of like us podcast? Yeah, we blew up at each other, I think. Really? Kind of like us before. Yeah, well. I expected apology after the podcast. I mean, jiffy, it's like, how? Yeah, you got this all wrong, man. You took a product that I put my life into and you just lumped it in with these B minus level products.

Brains. And I'm supposed to apologize to you. Do you want to go outside? I'm supposed to apologize to you. You want to go outside? I'm not buying a phone. I'm not buying another phone. They're like $1,500 now. So what did you guys fight about? I can't remember.

I think I said something a little bit like, it's funny, because some of the relationship on the podcast is like, I'm older than him, and I'll be a little bit of a jerk to him or whatever. But it's in character, and I think I kind of got out of character on one thing, and I think he was like, you can't, and then he flipped out of me, and it's all fine, but I remember being like, no, he's wrong on this.

And then in my, I was like, actually, there's some stuff that I'm, you know. Yeah. Yeah, so I think I said I was sorry. Yeah. Yeah. It's good. Yeah, right, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I think occasionally relationships need a little bit of a reset. You need to have a fight and a makeup sometimes to remind yourself how much the person means to you. Yeah, man. Yeah, I mean, that guy's one of my best friends. He's a good Irishman, yeah. Yeah, he's a great guy,

and he's really, really good on the podcast. But yeah, yeah, we... I heard you talk to, I think it was Tom Arnold I think you talked to, I think it was Tom Arnold I think you talked to about this. You said, when you say you're sorry, you can't say I'm sorry but. Can't qualify it.

Yeah, and I think I might have qualified because there was a lot of back and forth on that one. Yeah, well I think if you say, I apologize for my part, without saying, I'm sorry, but you. Then it's no good. Yeah, I know. We both had some stuff.

He apologizes as well? Yeah, definitely, man. Nice. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, we're good. Guys get it out. They get it out. Women hold on to shit for years.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, not to generalize, but I just find, like guys, I used to have not to generalize but I just find in jet like guys I used to have fistfights with my friends grow like on the ground wailing on each other and we were hanging out the next day Boston Irish, I guess that's just well, I mean I grew up in New York, but yeah, I started doing comedy I was in college. Oh, where'd you go to? Harvard. Oh, did you really? Wow. No, I went to Boston Oh, did you really? Wow. No, I went to Boston

Did you really not even for a no I believe that I did man I did I would Yeah, didn't draw though go to Harvard. I went to Harvard Law School. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I I would believe it man I really would Yeah, I praise wrestler guy from Boston University. I think you what a wrestler guy from Boston. Oh, you did Yeah, yeah, they didn't have they don't have a program anymore but yeah yeah I was friends with some wrestlers all right final question and then I'll let you go back to where you staying what part of town up in the Stevenson ranch up the five yeah way up the fire only to take you to get here took a while I think an hour or something.

Jesus, thank you for making the trip. I enjoyed it, man, it's great. Aside from the jiffy thing. Can't fucking let it go. Not gonna apologize for that. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done? Oh, God. Yep.

Oh, jeez. You've been doing a lot of years, my friend. Yeah, yeah. I expect something really bad. There was this, I fashion myself as an impressionist early on. Oh really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And remember like the red beers? There was that craze of like red red whatever and red red something or other and I remember saying they ought to have a red Fox beer and Mont. Go in the kitchen, son. Get me a red Fox beer.

You understand the logic on that one? How long did it take you to figure that out? I don't know, man. It just kinda came right out. No, I was pouring over anything at that point. Yeah. Then I also, and I thought of this because I heard you and Arnold talking about it a little bit.

I pretty much lifted a Darryl Hammond impression back then, which I feel like such a, it was like, there was a liquor, guns and ammo was a store, a literal store where I went to college and I did a series of people shopping there. I think Homer Simpson shopped there and then I had Leave It to Beaver, Beaver Cleaver and I just basically did his like... Not the words, just the impression. No I think some of the words.

Really? Yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah, that's a good, yeah, I'm not proud of that. Now I remember this kid Jeff Nichols, he comes up to me at the comic strip one night and he's like, he's like, you know that bit you do about walking your dog and someone stops you to pat him? I said yeah, he goes, did really well on West Palm Beach last week. Yeah, yeah, I did a bit that you did one time. Really? Early on, yeah, yeah, man.

And my buddy stopped me. This is open mic'er level stuff. But my buddy Brian Hersey told me, he's like, hey man, Fitzsimmons does that bit. Did you know or you just wrote the same bit? I don't think I knew. But I think if I had to guess back then with my ability, I think I probably heard you do it.

What was the bit? The bit about gay marriage. They're against gay marriage, I think. When you get married, you're not having sex anyways. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something to do with that. I could see two people coming up with that.

Yeah, but I think I had seen you. Sitting there. If I had to guess, it was, I don't think I was like, I'm going to take that or as bad as the Darrell Hammond, but I think my buddy Brian Hersey was like, hey man, you can't. Yeah, all right. I accept your apology.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I am sorry for that, man. I'm sorry for that. I'm not sorry for the peanut butter, but I'm sincerely sorry for that. I'm gonna start doing that bit again. I forgot I had that. It's a great bit, man.

You're gonna be, if you wanna see bits like Red Fox Beer, June 23rd to the 29th. Shut up, dummy! Lamont, you ugly! June 23rd to the 29th at Brad Garrett's Club in Vegas, which is one of my, I've only done it once, but man did I fall in love with that staff. How about that room, man? Every little detail is perfect. But how about that staff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty girls and nice people. And they're related. It's like a brother or sister. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those guys, those two. And those were Brad's, Brad, their parents were good friends with Brad and the parents passed away. And he's taken care of the three kids. Yeah. He's like their godfather. I think.

He's one of the great. He's awesome, he's like their godfather. I think he's one of the great He's awesome. He's like a Greg Garcia level. Great. Yeah, he's just yeah. Yeah, he's so funny, man. Yeah. Yeah also July 5th in Myrtle Beach June 29th through July 5th July 11 and 12 in Nashville, then he's coming to Des Moines, Naples, Sarasota, Charleston, Greenville, Charlotte, Raleigh, Portland, Maine, Pottstown, PA, I'm doing that gig next month.

Oh, that's a good gig, man. It's fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. Grand Rapids and Toledo, a bunch of other dates. Go to Greg Warren, W-A-R-R a R R E N comedy.com my friend thank you so much for coming in. This is outstanding man. Thanks man. This was really fun. Yeah thanks a lot man enjoyed it. Oh and oh I'm sorry and the Champ. Oh yeah man.

It's on Nate Land channel which is on YouTube and yeah it's really good I just watched it today Google the champ and it's not the Ricky Schroeder John Voight picture it's not that funny but it's funny yeah yeah mine's sadder it's much sadder the thing where the with the boxer dies at the end. Right, right, oh my God. All right. ["Sweet Home Alone"]