Fitzdog Radio - Ian Bagg - Episode 1079

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

Me and my hockey teammate (and hilarious comedian) Ian Bagg tells me we both slept with the same woman. Follow Ian Bagg on Instagram @IanBagg My Bookie: https://mybookie.website/FITZWatch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMeAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Hey now, welcome to Fitts Dogg Radio, your trepidatious host. Trepidatious. There's a word I'm looking for. I was an English major. I should have access to more words than I do. Welcome to the show. I got Ian Bagg on today, who's an old friend and one of the funniest comics I know. Great material and when it comes to crowd work,

I'd put him up there against literally anybody. You got Rick, Rick, why am I spacing Rick's like Ingram Rick Ingram's amazing that's it now there's some other people that are good but those two guys jump out of me anyway he's on the show I just got back from San Francisco where I showed up and there was an earthquake and I'm standing on Sansome Street and the earthquake was a lot of tourists earthquake goes off and then all these tourists like feel the rumble it goes on and then there's a moment and then they start cheering they start clapping and yelling and pumping their fists like this was why we came to San Francisco.

You know, like it's like visiting New Orleans and there's a flood. Or you go to Chicago and you get shot. So luckily the epicenter was up in Humboldt County, which if you know about California that's where all the weed gets grown, and I just thought it was a very funny image to think of all these potheads not freaking out. It was the calmest epicenter in the history of earthquakes, and there's all these you know there's all these homeless people and I mean San Francisco is crazy I mean LA is bad but

San Francisco is pretty wild and there was a guy right outside my hotel who was talking about Jesus every time I came and went. Like, it just it was not... I mean, I came and went a dozen times and this guy was talking about Jesus and I was like, all right, if there's any more proof that you need that these religions are insane. Here's a guy that believes that there's snakes in his pants and he believes the FBI has cameras in his eyebrows and he believes that there's a guy in a robe that flew into the sky that watches everything you do and there was a boat with animals in it a bush talked and a guy walked on water which is crazier I don't know but that's your typical

Christian I'm not look if you Christian, I'm not mocking you. I'm just saying it's a little weird. Like I get the idea of Christianity is interesting because all religion, not all, most religion is about community. It's about helping others. It's about cowering in the face of God, which is really just nature and fate and everything that you should subordinate yourself to so you can have a healthy

ego. And religion does that and you have a sense of shared grace with other people. grace with other people, it's noble. But, you know, why the stuff about the animals and the robe and the fish getting turned into water, into wine, like, why that also? Why can't it be enough that a group of people want to love each other and do good things for the less fortunate and to position themselves in life to believe there's a higher power? I mean, why does there have to be all this craziness mixed in? I was raised with it. I know it all. I

believed it all. That's why I get so... I get a fucking fly up my ass. Fly up my ass? Hmm. Is that I really... they got me. They got me in. I believed. Now I just see a lot of these Christians just turning it into hate and judgment and exclusion. Just stop. Go back to the basics. Look at the CEO. I mean, where's the, where's the, this guy was a big Christian apparently. How is he a Christian and he allows hundreds of thousands of children that

are have leukemia not get the treatment they need in the wheelchairs that they I'm not saying he should have been shot you know stabbed would have been fine choked whatever I'm not saying this guy should have been fine, whatever, however you want to do it is fine. I was doing a lot of research about these insurance companies, because I know my experience is I pay $40,000 a year before another 7,600 in deductions, or what do you call it, you're deductible. another 7600 in deductions,

or what do you call it? You're deductible, 7600 deductible, 40,000 in premiums a year for my family, and I get shit coverage. So I'm a little pissed off. I got many flies up my ass today. And I just think at the end of the day, the poor people are the ones that don't have the time to challenge. They say that 17% of all claims are denied

in network claims. So that was in 2021. So they say that poor people way less likely to challenge it because they're working full-time jobs. You got two parents working two jobs each, trying to raise kids. They don't have time to get on the phone

with the insurance company for what can be three or four hours on one claim. So they just count on that. And the rich get richer and the poor get poorer and blah, blah, blah. But I don't know. We'll see what happens. I don't think this is going to be an isolated incident. I think these CEOs are going to need some serious protection. Oh that's a stock that probably went up this week. Should have bought some of that shit.

You know what you can buy though if you don't buy that is the Sunday Papers t-shirt is now available went on sale a couple weeks ago if you get it this week by the end of this week by the 18th you will have it by Christmas go to FitzDawg.com there's about four or five different colors you can get one that says take it each one that says Sunday Papers one that says Sunday papers one that says something else I can't remember but put in your order 26 bucks to your house to a loved one get them now also want to give a shout out to Jimmy Oh Yang in there's a show called interior Chinatown which I highly recommend and Jimmy stand-up comic fucking brings it great acting and also want to give a shout out to Sean Patton

who's in a show called English Teacher which is excellent as well it's like an old-school sitcom but made for streaming so it's the it's so it's very out there shit you could never say on broadcast really good acting great Sean Patton good job all right let's get to it my guest has been on the tonight show the late late show he was in the movies Cradle of Rock I said Specials on Comedy Central, HBO, Showtime. We go way back and today I did the contest. I didn't do it well, but the contest is I asked my guest trivia questions without them realizing

in the in the middle of the conversation that I'm asking them a question that will win them a t-shirt. So Ian Bagg, you'll find out whether or not Ian answered these were the questions for today. I've reused the one the other day. He had to name the original six NHL hockey teams. We'll see if he can do that. And then I asked him Tim Robbins movies because we're both friends with Tim and to see if he could name four. We'll see if he can do that. If he does either I'm going to give him a t-shirt and we're generous with the t-shirts it's the holiday season. Plus I probably have extra XXL's which he is here today and he is trying to decide what this podcast should be called. I'm going to give you three suggestions.

Fits in. Fits in. Fits in. That's good. That one? I just like, the show is called. That's the- Oh, the show is called. It's like old fashioned 1960s news reporter.

The show is called. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah. We're beginning right now. Right, right. With many questions. That's like the beginning of Monday Night Football. I'm Joe Buck and this is Hall of Famer, Troy Aikman.

Yeah. And he started doing that and now every sports duo does that. I'm so-and-so and this is Hall of Famer Super Bowl winner. I don't think you should lead with that, the Hall of Famer though. No, because then Troy looks like a dick sitting there like, yup.

Pretty good. Yup. Pretty good. Pretty good at the game, pretty good at life, I'm a Hall of Famer. I think it's stupid. Why isn't there a comedy Hall of Famer? There is a comedy Hall of Fam.

It's in New York. Jamestown, New York. Rochester, right? It's near Rochester. Yeah, it's up by Rochester. Where they have nothing to do and it's gray all the time. And I would love to go there, but I can't just. Well, I wanna go to the hall of fame.

Really? See if my name is up. Is your name up? I hope so. I would imagine. I've been doing it for 35 fucking years. You've been doing it for 32. I know.

Is it 32? 30. 30. Did Is it 32? 30. 30. I like this. I have people come up to me and I'm glad you never gave up. Ha ha ha ha. It's like, sweetie, I gave up 12 years ago. I'm still taking dates.

I gave up by coming into the business. This is what happened. I'm glad you didn't give up. Yeah, right. I didn't mention at all that I was thinking about giving up, so I don't know why I'm glad that I didn't, because I had no place to go. I was like an officer and a gentleman.

I got nowhere left to go! No, I think for a lot of people stand up as plan B. I love the people that went to law school. Geraldo went to law school, Harvard. How did his immigrant parents feel about that move? Anybody that has immigrant parents and they're doing standup just must hate going home. Yes.

Because I don't have immigrant parents and I hate going home, so I can't imagine. Well, you're an immigrant. Yeah, I forgot. I mean. Oh no, does that mean I have to go home again? Like am I getting kicked out in January? No, cause I think you're a dreamer.

Am I? Yeah, you don't have, you are a type of dreamer. But I'm white. But you're white. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a dream, not dreamer. You're dreamy. You're the kind of immigrant we want here, sir. I know we don't. Canadians are as lazy as we are.

We need Latinos. They fucking hustle. I got a guy in my yard right now who's putting up, we have four different gates around our house and he's. Why so many gates? So a lot of gates. It's a big house. It's a lot of gates.

No, it's because we live on- I know it's a big house. We live on two alleys and a street. Right. So the fence is gigantic. So you enter two gates in the rear. I remember this gate. One on the side and one in the front.

It's not too many gates? Do you put a ring camera at every gate? Don't have any ring cameras. We have an old bell that you ring. It's got a ringer in it like a cow bell. That's our bell. And do the homeless love it? They love it.

I run out there three times a day to see nothing but the back of somebody's head walking away. People can't walk by a bell and not ring it. Oh, there's gonna be snacks. Ring the bell. Isn't that like a term that women use for play with the clitoris? Is that what it is?

Yeah, they say ring the bell. I only know find it. Find the clitoris? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I only know that. Yeah. Find it, you, mm, you chimp trying to use a, excuse my allowed to say fuck.

Please, I said clit. You say clit? I just said clit. Oh yeah, if you can say clit, you can say fuck. Yeah. Well, I mean, so many women are getting tattoos on their arms and their back. Not here.

Get it on the clit. That's what it says on the arm. It's not here. Closer get it on the clit. That's what it says on the arm, it's not here. Closer. It should all be arrows, their whole body should be arrows just pointing at it. Ching, ching, ching, ching. I'd still miss it.

What about- It's like using ways, you'll just go right by that street. Yeah, maybe get your phone out. Yeah. But then you got the G-spot, which is really mysterious because even women can't always find their own G-spot. But if you do, apparently it's like explosive. Yeah, it's like finding a house you really wanna own.

Yeah. It's impressive. Right, and they want you to move in. Yeah, they want you to. Yeah. Yeah, don't fix it up, enjoy it. Oh, it doesn't need to be fixed out. Have you ever found a G-spot?

I don't think so. I've found a woman that faked that I found the G-spot. I think we've all found that woman. Yeah. I think I found a woman that faked that I found her clit. Yeah. So I think, and her nipples. I'm pretty sure I was just rubbing her shoulder blades a lot.

So. I thought I think, and her nipples. I'm pretty sure I was just rubbing her shoulder blades a lot. So. I thought I was, I didn't know it was your asshole, to be honest, I thought. But have you ever asked your wife, how long have you been married, about six years? No, 12. Have you ever asked your wife if she fakes orgasms?

Oh, no. That's a real conversation. I know she doesn't, because I just see a little machine come out. She's just, she's confident, like, you're done. It's just embarrassing. It's weird. You mean she turns into an animal?

No, she's like, you're done, let me finish this. Oh, oh, I see. And then I'm just an innocent bystander. Right, right, right, right, you're a caddy. Yeah, I'm just, I'm carrying the case that goes back into. Put one of those socks over top with a tiger's head on it. You give it a little wipe with a towel. Yeah, yeah. Head cover on. It's, I don't know if you think about this, but I thought I was pretty good when we were single,

so I thought that's how I landed her. I was really good at things. But now that she's like that, I'm like, was I ever? Because I don't think I've changed anything. So maybe that's the problem. Maybe I haven't changed anything. I maybe that's the problem. Maybe I changed anything. I Think that might be a part of it. Like I know my playbook has not been expanded and I've thought about You know getting the Karma Sutra or an idiot's guide to the clitoris or something and try to throw But here's the problem with that you and I go on the road a lot, right?

If I suddenly come back and I flip her over and I'm using my left hand, she's gonna be like, who taught you this? Where did this idea come from? You can't even change clones on the road. That's right. Yeah, there's so much you can't come back, you can't do anything.

You gotta come back the exact same way you left. Otherwise. The bag just as full. If she gives you a blowjob and her cheeks are not puffing out at the end of it, something's hardly wrong. She should look like a chipmunk when you're done. What did you do?

Do, do, do, do. Just a little dribble. Just a dribble. What have you been doing? Boom! Just a little dribble. Just a dribble. What have you been doing? Ah! You, my friend, I've been fucking around on the road. It's like a mafia guy, you're a little light. Oh my God.

I heard this story about a comic, and I'm not gonna use any names, but it was a comic that had an opener, and the guy that was, like I guess he was fairly big, the guy, probably was pretty big, he had an opener that would travel with him. And the guy had a side piece. The headliner did?

Yeah, the headliner had a side piece that would travel with them. And then the opener ended up sleeping with the side piece. And the headliner and the opener got into a big riff about it, and he got fired, and the opener, to get back, told the guy's wife. No. Yeah.

There's so many levels to that, because obviously that side piece really likes comedians. Right. She's what they call a chuckle fucker. A what? Chuckle fucker. Those are the comedy groupies. Okay. You never heard that? No. I don't know if I want to tell my wife this. Are our wives considered

chuckle fuckers? Yes. Oh my of the paper, baby. Every club has a chuckle fucker. And when you're single, you talk about it. Like I remember Catch a Rising Star in Princeton, and there was a chuckle fucker there. Really? Yeah, and somebody said to me, I won't say the comic, Kevin Brennan,

and he's like, it's Diane. I go, who's Diane? He goes, you're going to Princeton next week, right? I was like, yeah, he goes, it's Diane. I was like who's Diane? He goes, you're going to Princeton next week, right? I was like, yeah, he goes, it's Diane. I was like, oh, all right. That's really funny. And then me and Diane. Just like that.

Chili dog. Wait, so you were about to say something about the different dynamics of the headliner and the opener. Here's the thing. The opener doesn't have a leg to stand on because he's cheating on his wife. The headliner. The headliner.

The headliner, yeah, that's what I meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so 70% of headliners are married, right? I would say, 70. 70? I think that's high. I think that's high.

I think back in the day, maybe. What did I just think? No, maybe you're right. I think it's above 60. Yeah, I'm shocked to think about that. So, the most part, it's a opener's world. Yes. Right?

Yep. And sometimes, like my opener is married, so it's just us just kinda eating barbecue, watching the waiters try to screw up people. So it's so, I just remember we talked a little while ago. Well, my, wait, can I just cut you off? Yes, please do. My opener is kind of a stud,

and he hooks up with women, he gets on Tinder, and no matter what, we could be, we were in Milwaukee, and he had women, different women at each show. This is not a great, no offense, he's listening right now. Dion, I didn't wanna say his last name. Dion Cole opens for a... That's right. And the women he gets.

It's insane. It's almost like he has a TV show. He's so smart because he uses Old Spice shampoo, so everybody always smells. But anyway, he's always got women, and they're always good looking, and then one night we got, he's like, what room are you in?

And I was like, 714, and he's like, oh, that's weird, I'm in 814. Cut to me in my bed that night and kush, kush, kush, kush. It was crazy. And then they were in the green room the next night and I was like, you guys have fun last night? And they're like, yeah, we had fun.

I mean, I go around 11, 25, did you guys have fun? And they're like, you heard us? Heard us, I felt it. And then the next night they did it again, almost like, hey, you heard us? Heard us? I felt it. And then the next night they did it again, almost like, hey, you like that? You like that? Poor, poor Fitzsimmons down there with his dick in his hand.

Let's make him happy. No, and I texted him the second night. I go, add it again. And he just wrote back, ha ha ha ha. And then kept going. Yeah. From that point, he just brought a basketball back to the room to make him seem like he's very impressive.

How did you know he was black? That's just a guess. Now you were saying- If there's that much thumping going on, I knew that wasn't a white guy bottoming out. Oh my God, this guy goes for a long time. It reminded me of the early days. Oh my God, this guy goes for a long time. It reminded me of the early days.

The early days in, I wish I was lying to you, I used to go for 50 minutes, five hours. Really, huh? Yep, that was my number. That's very impressive. I'd look at the clock when I started and I wouldn't look at it again. And then when I was done, I'd look at the clock

and be like, fuck, it's 50. Always 50. And now you're like three minutes in, you're like, I got shit to get done. I'm gonna die at some point. I gotta get out of here. I gotta do things. That's what I do.

I'm like, I got shit to do. Yeah, I think it's more like my dick going like, hey, we're good. That's funny. We're good. Yeah, yeah. Can I ask you a personal question? Sure. And this is going deep. Yeah, yeah. Can I ask you a personal question? Sure.

And this is going deep. Yeah, circumcised. About, are you? Of course. So am I. Yeah, of course. Are all Canadians circumcised? I mean, not that you've seen every one of them,

but most of them you've seen. Most of them. I remember Walter, the first one I ever seen was grade one. We're changing and Walter Almeida, he had the old. The Latino guy. No, Portuguese, and I was just like, something's wrong with Walter. Something happened to Walter.

I'm telling everybody something bad happened to Walter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. When we used to, when we started out in New York together, I spent a few years in Boston, and then I came to New York, and when I came to New York, you were in the trenches with me at the comic strip at Stand Up New York. I hated that place.

Stand Up New York? Hated it. Yeah. Did you like it? I did because Cary Hoffman was so good to me. He wasn't to me. Oh, okay, well that's what it is. Yeah, the owner took a shine to me for some reason.

Actually, I'll tell you why. Because my father was a famous radio guy in New York and Carrie was a little bit of a star fucker and I think that he took care of me because of my father. It's the only thing that, they talk about, what do you call it, celebrity kids? Nepo babies? It's the only Nepo baby treatment I ever got

was at Stand Up New York. Nobody else ever gave a shit when father was a radio guy. Press a place to get it. I take it. Take it. But the a shit when father was a radiant guy. What an impressive place to get it. Yeah. I take it. Take it. But the comic strip, there was a waitress, do you remember a woman named Mary?

Yeah, I slept with her. I mean, I dated her. Sorry. That's what I was gonna ask you. I never knew if you did because I, I, can we talk? She was about this tall. She was tiny.

Yeah, yeah. And she had a great little body. She was fat and she had this smile. She had this crazy smile. She was Irish smile. had a great little body. She was fat and she had this smile. She had this crazy smile. She was Irish smile, big Irish smile. And she was fun and she used to make me laugh. Yeah. And I remember, and we went to Thanksgiving at her house

in Buffalo, North Tonawanda. Yeah. Yeah. And I was just in Buffalo and I said, does anybody know Mary? Yeah. And nobody knew her. And I was like, somebody must know Mary, North Tonawanda. And I just kept asking and nobody knew.

But anyways, yeah, she was. She was so cute. Yeah, and I. I dated her for a minute. You did date her? Yeah. I think we, I think everybody wanted to. Yeah.

I can't believe I pulled it off. Or does that make us Eskimo brothers or something like that? Is that what they call it? Yeah. Well, can I tell you my story? I hope I can't believe I pulled it off. Or does that make us Eskimo brothers or something like that? Is that what they call it? Yeah. Well, can I tell you my story? I hope I can say this. I can say this story on the air, right?

Sure, we'll just cut it out. All right, we're on stage one night and Jeff Ross used to do this bit where he would always tell the crowd how great they were early on in his set. And so I said to Mary, I go, I'll make you a bet right now that he says how great they are

within the first 60 seconds he's on stage. And she's like, he's not gonna do that. He's gonna do that. And she goes, well, what do you wanna bet? And she goes, if he doesn't, you have to pay my electric bill this month because I just got it and it's high. And I said, and she goes, what about if he does say it?

I said, then you have to come over to my apartment tonight. Then pay my electric bill. That's a good win. So 40 seconds in, you guys are great. I fucking write down my address. I hand it to her and I turned around and I walked out. Oh my God. And at around, you know, they were late

and around two o'clock in the morning, and I just go, no way. She was a goer. Came up. She was a goer. Came up. Good for you, I love it. I always, I remember you,

you dated somebody long-term in New York. Sue Costello. Was that who it was? Yeah. Was she New York. Sue Costello. Was that who it was? Yeah. Was she, was that Sue Costello? Yeah, we started dating a boss and then in New York. Was she a trainer or something? Yeah, she did some training.

I think she did some personal training. I didn't know that was Sue Costello. I remember Fitzsimmons dates this girl who's a trainer. Trainer. She's a rocket. She's a, you mean her body's a rocket? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she was very cute and funny.

Was she older than you? No, I think she was a few years younger than me. Yeah. You never know now. I love her. Have you dated other comedians over the years? No, I don't think so. I'm sure, but I's kind of everything just,

we've been doing a long time. People don't stand out, I don't think. What about over the years, the rule is always don't shit in your own backyard and don't sleep with the waitresses, but I- You sleep with the waitresses. You sleep with the waitresses. Yes.

I don't know about you, but I wasn't, I wasn't good at meeting girls before comedy. So when comedy gives you that attention and the people that work at the club, they know who the funny ones are, right? So they give you that attention. And you're like, I love this.

Yeah. Yeah. The thing that I learned was when I was young, you never sleep with them on a Wednesday. Right. Because you might decide on somebody else by Friday. Yeah. So that was, I can't remember who taught me that, but I was like, oh, so you tried to meet,

if you were gonna hook up with a staff member, not until Saturday night. Saturday night, unless you have an early flight on Sunday, then you may wanna work a Saturday night. Saturday night, unless you have an early flight on Sunday, then you may wanna work a Friday night. Well, at that point, I was not taking flights. Great hounds go every hour on the hour. I could go whenever I wanted. I only had a short range of that though,

because I met my wife when I was 30. Well, I started doing standup when I was 20 and then I was with Sue for a few years. But other than that, yeah, that was, it was fun. It was a good run, but I don't miss it. It's a lot of work. Like I don't, I feel bad for guys that are like on their phones texting and on apps

and the amount of lying that it goes, that goes into that kind of lifestyle. Well, back in the day when we were kind of, when we were doing that, we didn't have the apps. Right. We didn't have the phones. Yeah. So if it was working out, it was working out.

And you didn't really keep in touch after that. You didn't really, yeah, you didn't have to. Yeah. You didn't have to do that. I'm glad I got it out. And you didn't really keep in touch after that. You didn't really, yeah, you didn't have to. Yeah. You didn't have to do that. I'm glad I got it out. You know, I feel some guys, you can tell, they're like, oh, I got married because I had another life before comedy

and oh boy, I wish I'd tried this. Oh boy, I'm trying this. Oh boy, I'm divorced. I like this stuff. Yeah, right. I really like the stuff that I've got. I can't imagine a worse, we both have friends that have gotten divorced.

It's so ugly. It's never not ugly. It's so traumatizing. And I'm lucky as hell. I just fucking made out with my wife this morning. Before she went to work, I made out with her. We're 58 years old. Our dentures were falling out.

No, you're wearing hers right now. Yeah. No, but it wearing hers right now. Yeah. No, but it's like, I got to fucking let people go, like, how do you stay married for 25 years? You got to find, find, if you're lucky enough, especially as a comedian, somebody that can put up with you being away so much. Somebody that's self-sufficient, independent,

doesn't want to be there for you all the time. They have their own thing going on. Like you're going to a show, I don't wanna go. You know, like nine out of 10 times you wanna hear that. Every so often you wanna hear, I'm gonna come along with you, right? So yeah, I like it. And my favorite thing my wife does is, is it close to the ocean? I'm not traveling along with you, right? So yeah, I like it. And my favorite thing my wife does is, is it close to the ocean?

I'm not traveling with you ever if it's not close to the ocean. Oh yeah, yeah, La Jolla, she's in for La Jolla. Yeah, it's just- San Francisco. Always picks the good ones. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And then when I need her, when I'm in, you know.

When I'm in Buffalo and it's gray in the middle. The cry. And I'm in a Hampton Inn with a hockey team next to me. That's 14 years old. Oh, that's always that. And they're playing in the hallway. The parents bring them indoor sticks and pucks

for the hallway. And they won't let you play. And they won't let you play. You're too old. I know. You could be one of the coaches, they won't let you play. Fucking kids. My wife's getting her doctorate right now.

No. Yeah, she's just finishing it off. So she'd get her, she has her white coat ceremony on Friday. So- Doctorate in what? Occupational therapy. And you made out with your wife this morning.

I had seen my wife go to school at 6.30 in the morning and I'll see her tonight at some point, but I will probably kiss her in January. Yeah. Yeah, so. You kiss her when she hands you that fat check, first fat check. Here we go.

She's gonna make some money. She should. Occupational therapist with a PhD, that's, she's gonna start out at six figures, starting out. Yeah, she should do well. How's the student loan? Not bad. Actually, we didn't really take much out.

So, but it's an impressive, I don't know how you get, if you're younger and you don't have anybody to like, to back you, how do you do that? Like how you can't, cause you can't go work while you're taking one of those. No, no. It's insane? Yeah. How do you do that? Like how you can't, cause you can't go work while you're taking one of those. No, no. It's insane.

Yeah. Like it's- No, it is, this world is set up for Nepo babies because say you want to be an agent, say you want to be an actor, anything in show business. Well, not an actor cause you have time to wait tables or whatever, but a job where a PA, you know, you're working 60 hours a week, and they're paying you $600 a week. And so you can't live on that in LA.

And so you need a parent that's going to pay your rent for you, pay your cell phone bill, your health insurance, and all that shit. So you don't, you think like, how come there's no black people in Hollywood? Well, because socioeconomically, they're from a tougher place and they don't have somebody that can bankroll them

to follow their dream. Yeah, yeah, I would say 90% of the people that follow their dreams are bankrolled. Yes. Yeah, yeah. And I actually was looking at, have you done this? I don't know. From where I started, Yes. Yeah, yeah. And I actually was looking at, have you done this? I don't know. From where I started, my finances from where I started to where I am now, like what percentage

of growth. Yeah. And I've actually built a nice little company. Like I've gone from having $7,000 in the bank to way more. And it's insane talking about my balls has gotten me that far. Yes. It's fun.

It is so insane when I think to myself, we're companies and this company doesn't make money this week if I have a cold. And I have, guess what? I've never had a cold. I have never- You've had a cold Monday. Yeah, exactly.

Monday, yeah. Like it really does. I suppress my sicknesses until Monday. And I cannot remember maybe once in 35 years that I canceled a weekend of work because I was sick or injured or whatever. I broke my ankle. I remember that.

Right, and I don't know if I've ever told this story. I'm on a plane with the baseball player that never, Nolan, is it? Nolan Ryan? The fastball pitcher from the Rangers? No, it's the guy that never missed a game. Oh, he's in Baltimore. Cal Ripken Jr.?

Cal Ripken Jr. I'm sitting next to him, cast on my leg, going to do a gig. And I wait until the flight's over and I just look over and I said, I just want to let you know I've never missed a day at work. That's amazing! And he goes, I'm sure my job was much more fun than yours. And I go, no.

Except when I was working in Baltimore. Except for when I was scared. Did you ever do that club where there was three shows on Friday, three shows on Saturday, and they bought a ticket that included all the alcohol you can drink? No. It was crazy.

Wow. What was it called? Not Magoobies. I think it was the factory or something like that. Yeah. Wow. It was fire. How do you even remember what jokes you've done

by the third show? Cause you're busy trying not to be murdered by people that have drank so much. Cause they hear as much as you can drink and they're like, we're doing it. It's like every buffet they've ever been to. Yeah, right. But like going back to the company thing,

you think about my equity in this company is my personality and my ability to find joy and humor in life. And I have depression. I have clinical depression. I take medications. I meditate every day. I work out. I do everything I can to fight it. To make yourself happy. My diet, protein, low carb, avoid sugars. Like I do everything.

I do the opposite. You don't have any depression? No, I do, yeah. No. Yeah. So I think to myself, all right, this company has a real production problem that it has to fight against to be successful. Right.

And then I lay in bed at night and I got, when I had two little kids sleeping inside and my wife was not working, she didn't work for 18 years. So my ability to get my mood right before I went on stage was the difference between this company sinking and us. I don't know. I, there was no plan B. Have you ever had to not go on stage,

but have you ever not been able to? Thursday night I was in San Francisco and my depression is chemical, so something bad doesn't have to happen. Something really small, like my room is delayed for two, I got there at three and they said it wasn't ready, so I had to wander San Francisco for two hours with my bag. And that was all it took,

because sometimes there's other stuff that's been building and I'm in control of it. And then something makes it spill out and then it's a toxic waste dump. And so I sat in the room for two hours, lights off, dark. And then I was like, I can't do this.

And I've had this feeling before. I'm like, I can't. the only way I could get on stage was knowing that I had been in this place before and made it to the stage and then it all worked out. I got on the stage, faked it for five minutes and then all that. Just in the endorphins. The endorphins, everything.

I walked off that stage an hour later. It was like I'd never been depressed in my life. It's amazing how great the stage is. Yeah. I have the thing where to get myself in the happy mood, I hit myself, and I got that from acting classes. It was the only thing I ever learned in an acting class. From Sally Johnson?

No, Doug Orhitt is what it is. Make yourself feel something to get there. So I'll hit myself and sometimes I'll be a bruise because I'll just do it like that. Oh shit, really? I'm just like, come on, you gotta get happy. You gotta get happy. You're like just, it's silly.

You're like a cutter. Yeah, I... You're a puncher. It feels so good. It feels so good. But I stopped, I remember I used to watch, like when you have people open up for you that you don't know, they've booked, right?

Yeah. Now you have somebody that you've never met and they're bad. Yeah. And it used to just put me into a bad mood. Yeah. And I would carry that on stage, like you wouldn't believe, and I'm like, I can't do this.

Yeah. So I stopped watching and hiding and hitting myself. Yeah. Yeah. The features on stage going like, no, no, what's that thumping? What's that thumping? Why is that guy crying?

I'm happy, I'm happy. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard, punching yourself to get your emotions. It's right here, right, like just above the knee. Yeah, yeah. You just keep going. Wow. Maybe I'll try that next time.

Yeah. But maybe it's something, maybe it's not punching, maybe it's like touching something, maybe I could've gone way easier, like some sort of material that goes, oh yes, this reminds me of when I'm happy. Well, I think that's definitely what pacing is. I do a lot of pacing, not always,

but when I'm not feeling in the place I need to be, I pace very fast before I go on. Really, huh? Yeah. When you're not in the space, you'll, yeah. Huh. Yeah, that'll get me there. And then if I, I have to do crowd work instantly because I need to get my thoughts out

because if I talk to the crowd, I'll just start talking extemporaneously about how depressed I am. And the crowd hears that and now there's not that dissonance between what's going on in my head and what the audience is watching. Because that's the real nightmare is that I'm in this dark place

and they need the happy guy to be entertaining them. But if I walk on stage and I go, great to see you guys, and by great I mean, this is better than staring at the floor in the dark in my hotel room for two hours because I wanna fucking end my life. And then they go like, whoa, and now we're in the same place. And they're watching me work through it

and they're helping me work through it. It's connection. Yes. It's connection. Yeah. Like the whole thing about us on stage, and I don't think it's crowd work. I think it's connection, right?

Cause the connection you make from material is a speech, but the connection you make through material is a speech, but the connection you make through crowd work is a friendship, right? So it's different, right? So, but they're there so they can escape and they can get into your problem, right? And they can go, I can recognize this or I don't recognize this.

Well, like, what the fuck is this guy all about? Or this guy, like, I have that too. I'm fucking so happy. I'm loving that he's doing it, right? So I think it's great. And I think you're right. It's not always I can relate to this, but sometimes it's like, wow,

I'm curious about this journey. Yeah. You know, wow, this guy punches himself in the leg. Like if you told audiences that, they would just be like so open to you. Yeah, there's a reason I limp when I come up to you. Yeah, right, right. I think people wanna understand comedians

because it's like, you know, when you, first of all, when I sit on a plane next to somebody and they ask what I do for a living, I do what my thing is, I sell paper. That's fucked. Because I know that ends the conversation. That's funny. I'm in explosives.

That's not what you say, really? Yeah, working a mine. And what if they ask you questions? I know, I worked in a gold mine, so I can answer them. No shit. Yeah, when I was like 18, 19, I used to work in explosives. So yeah, I just go back to that. Did you ever try to sneak gold out?

No, you couldn't, you weren't out there. Yeah, no, there's nowhere. You couldn't stick it up your ass? Everything else but the gold. I just, I just, I just put- There was no room. I just put rocks in there, I didn't know if I had gold or not.

I was sitting next to a pilot once, you know, hat and everything. Yeah. Get to the end of the flight and I just turned around and go, what do you do? That's good. I had a flight attendant sitting next to me on a red eye from LA to New York, and this is many years ago. I was just a kid. You know, I was like probably 22 or something.

And I was in the middle seat and I kept falling asleep and my head kept going on her shoulder and she's in her uniform. And so I felt like, oh, fuck you, throw me off the flight. And after three or four times, she just reached over and she put her hand on my head and she put it on her shoulder.

No way. And I slept against her for the entire flight. And the best sleep you've probably ever had. It was amazing sleep, yeah. And so we get there and now we're at Kennedy Airport and it's like 6.05 a.m. and I wake up and I kind of look at her and she looks at me and I didn't know, I was single at the time,

I was like, should I ask her out? I was like, no, because she was just, did a nurturing thing and that would be weird. Like asking your aunt out. Yeah, well you don't know my aunt. Aunt Susan, she was a goer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Aunt Susan was down to party. Did you ask her out or no?

No, I didn't. And it was actually awkward afterwards because it was so intimate and then we didn't even know anything about each other. So it would have been starting all over again. And I was groggy. One night stand. Yeah.

Bad breath just. You wanna go out? Yeah. Hey, great. Were you a drinker when you first started? I quit after one year of standup. Really, one year? Yeah.

Hmm. That's impressive. Yeah. I just got to an of standup. Really, one year? Yeah. Hmm, that's impressive. Yeah. I just got to an age where I was like, I think it wasn't, I didn't, it wasn't ever a problem, but it could get messy at times. Yeah. And I just like, as soon as I recognized it affected the show the day afterwards,

I was like, I just don't recover. So I was probably about 38. And I was just like, I just don't drink anymore. Like I'd do once in a while when I'm not working, but that happened so infrequently. Yeah. So, but I- But do you drink beer?

No, I like a good old fashioned. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But Canadians, it's such a part of your culture. Drinking is- Yeah. Yeah, I'm a little weird.

Is it hard to be around like the people you grew up with and not drink? No. No. Yeah, I'm the little weird. Is it hard to be around like the people you grew up with and not drink? No, no. Yeah, I'm the same way. Actually, a lot of guys I started with have quit. All my good friends have quit. But it's a company. You don't get things done.

And sadly, alcohol gets in the way, right? It's fun, but there's also, it gets in the way of a lot of stuff. And if we don't do everything for our business, if you're not paddling, you're going backwards. Yep, yep. So. How much time a day do you spend on social media?

So morning, around noon. Probably, yeah, probably at least four hours a day. And that's just replying to people, posting ideas? Coming up with ideas, posting ideas, replying to people, trying to figure out the next day. You know, so. What kind of postings do you do? I do, so I do three reels a week on YouTube,

Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook. Same reel, same clip on each one? Most of the time, same clip. Sometimes I'm starting to learn a little bit more, so it's changing a little bit. But I also do one on Reddit a week, and I probably should probably take it up to three, and now I'm doing, I'm trying to see

if I can get any traction on Blue Sky. Oh yeah, Blue Sky gotta be very clean, I think, right? Or apolitical. Yeah, I just, I prefer that. So I'm gonna sneeze, I think. So, but. Do you? And then I do one long form video a week on YouTube.

And are those all standup clips? 90%. Yeah. Yeah. So you video tape your own shows? I travel with a guy that records. My buddy who opens for me is a great standup named John Winn, but he also teaches film.

And we've created this package that travels with us. So we do a four camera shoot with sound and yeah. No way. So we record that. It's amazing. Yeah and we've got it down to basically two suitcases. And they're stationary cameras except for the one that he's carrying.

Yeah. So and we also have two or three GoPros that we place around for audience response. And then how do you get the audience's audio? We have mics and a setup room. So yeah. Good for you, man. It's a business, right?

It's a business and you're doing it right because some guys will just get a tripod and put their phone on it, but I think that the average person, when they see that kind of quality, they just kind of flip past it. It's gotta look decent. I recently did a theater in Toronto and we did it.

And we realized, you know, there's a step up when you do theaters. Yeah. But some of the stuff, I'm just like, it looks like a special. Yeah. Right? Right.

And we're doing this, you know, we're setting it up. He's setting it up. I'm just doing other stuff. He's setting? Right. And we're doing this, we're setting it up, he's setting it up. I'm just doing other stuff. He's setting it up. I've given him, and I've given him percentage of the business to keep him in. Right? Right. So yeah, it's a lot of work, but it's one of those things where like, fuck, I'm 54.

It would have been really nice to be doing this at 45, but the technology wasn't there. Right, right. So I'm not really late. I'm just, I'm coming in at this age. That's all it is, right? Do you have to kill seats to set up your cameras? No, no, no. You just put in the aisles.

We, no, we set them up on, there's just rigging things that we got, that we have that we set them up. So we have straps and then find a pole, things off of them all over. Right. That's great. We're not afraid to buy things and experiment and let it fail. Right? Right.

So I tried... There's a GoPro that you can wear as just like it's a little tiny. I was hoping that I could have that conversation, but it just wasn't catching it, but you know. Right. So what do you put a camera behind you facing the crowd? Two. So you can catch the whole front row. Yeah.

And it doesn't always catch them. Cause at the end of the day, we're still a one-man band. So it's not always gonna be perfect. And it's sometimes disappointing, but for the most part we day, we're still a one-man band. So it's not always gonna be perfect. And it's sometimes disappointing, but for the most part we get, you know, we're putting out, I put out four hours a year, four, one hours a year. You do?

Yeah. And then 10 minutes clips, 10 minute long standup pieces and 10 minute vlogs, like I've been doing, just going around the city and just having fun. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, and then I do a compilation, one compilation a month, which is just taking all my reels

and putting them onto one, putting them onto a long form. Yeah. But it's just, the gatekeepers aren't there. So to find the people, I gotta go find them. Right. Right. And I think everybody else has to go find them too.

Yeah, you gotta find them. And what's tough is that it's about consistency. Like, you know, I was telling you before about I put a special out, so I did all the podcasts. I put up tons of clips and then it just fell off. Then I just stopped putting stuff out. And the algorithm really rewards the guy that keeps doing it week in and week out,

month in and month out. So are you clipping up, did you clip up your special? Yeah, but I'm still putting those clips out. They're not doing that well though. But do you want to do them three times a week? Probably twice a week, yeah. Go to three, don't go over a week, yeah. Go to three. Yeah. Don't go over a minute. Yeah.

And just find different ways of putting them out. Like maybe it's you, hey guys, like a clip of you saying, hey guys, this is from my special, here's what happened. Oh. You know what I mean? Just putting them out, putting them out, putting them out. You mean saying that and then showing the clip?

Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah, just try different things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just try different things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and on Instagram, I learned recently, there's an audio scroll, I don't know if you've noticed that, on Reels, right? Yeah. You can now, I don't know if you can now,

but you can take that out and put whatever you want. So find tickets at iBag.com. Find Greg, find the whole special ad. Oh, that's good. And that's part of their system, that scrolling text? Yeah, it's, if when you go to it, when you're putting it out, you can change your thumbnail, you know,

when you're at that part. If you scroll down a little bit, it just says original audio, and you can place that original. Okay, great. I mean, look, this sounds real inside baseball, but I think a lot of people that listen to this podcast are in the comedy field, or at least are comedy nerds,

and so I think this is probably interesting for them. And I don't know if you're there or always been there, or you think I'm dumb, but I think we have to share with each other. They really, when there was the gatekeepers, they really put, like they, it was gladiator. We were against each other. But now it's just the internet just finds more

and more people to buy your stuff. So you can never run out if you keep giving them. Whereas before it was like, oh, there's 100,000 people. Well, if Greg does something, you can't do something. No, there's billions of people. Greg can do it, you can do it, that guy can do it, she can do it. That's what's great about it. We're not in competition with each other ever.

Right. No, it's like a mall. You want stores next to you because people are gonna go look around. And if they like the gap here, then look, oh, look, I was gonna buy pants and now I can go, and comedy is just so broad on the internet. Like you ask anybody, what do you go on the internet for?

Comedy. And we've been at the epicenter of it for the last 30 years, you know? But can you make that transition into this new media and take advantage of this? And it's amazing that you are. You have to. Yeah. Those most resistant to change

are the first to be left behind, right? So yeah, it sucks. Yeah, it's a lot of work. But even the laziest comic is a hard worker. Yeah I don't care what anybody says the laziest comic is a hardest worker because they're going out and doing sets every night That's that's fucking hard work making getting off your couch at the most comfortable time of the day to be on the couch Yeah, so they have it. It's just giving them the knowledge to figure out how to do it. No, it's like when I talk about, I was talking to the guy that's fixing my fence right now,

who's got a blowtorch and a bandana around his face, and he's picking up pieces of fence that I would think four guys would need to do. And he goes to me, God, what you do is so hard. He goes, I fly like once a year and it's such a big deal for me. He's like, I gotta figure out what I'm packing. How do I get to the airport? Meanwhile, I do that every, most people, once a year they travel.

We do it every week. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's insane. When you travel during the busy times of year, and I call it amateur traveling, you really see what goes on with our traveling. People just losing their shit. Yes, yes.

And we just gotta, lalalalala. Oh, I get a delay, I get a movie on my phone. I'll call the club. And it's the other weird thing. I think I've missed one show from a delayed or missed flight in my life. I just, it's always other weird thing. I think I've missed one show from a delayed or missed flight in my life. I just, it's always seemed to work. And I don't fly in it.

You know, I don't land at six o'clock for an eight o'clock show. I do. Oh, do you really? Yeah. So I've missed two. I have like a four hour window. You've gotta be in the morning.

If I got an eight o'clock show, I gotta be in by like 3.30. That's fair. Yeah. I'm either a red eye or an early morning guy. Yeah. Yeah, to get to the show. Right.

I hate connecting. I turn gigs down if they're a connection unless it's a really good club. Oh yeah. I don't wanna ruin, I gotta get there a night early now. And then the next day on the Sunday, you fly out,

you don't get home until the late afternoon. You never get home until the late afternoon. Yeah. So I mean, if I go- So you do not take Sunday night gigs anymore? Rarely. Cause it's better getting home Sunday than Monday, right? I wanna see football.

I wanna be on my couch watching football. Also, I got into that routine because of having kids because my kids had the weekend off and I was already missing them on Saturday. So I would always be on the first flight home Sunday morning because with LA time, I would be landing at 10 o'clock from wherever and I'd have the whole day with my kids. And now I'm just kinda in that habit. Did you guys ever live in New York as a family?

No. Were you tempted? Not really, it's so easy raising kids in LA compared to New York. Yeah. I have friends that raise their kids there and they don't know how to ride a bike. They can switch three chains in the middle of the night,

but they can't ride a bike. Right. They can load a crack pipe, but they can't ride a bike. It's weird. So no, this was the place to do it. And now my son actually wants to move to New York in June because he loves it. Because me and my wife, our families are from there.

So he's got so many cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents in the city. He's 24. Is he finished school? Yeah, he finished a year ago. I used to love when you'd book gigs in Chicago just to go see him. Yeah.

I'm like, I like when guys, Chad Daniels has a son around that age and a couple other guys. I was like, ah, it's awesome when I go, I'm gonna go see my son and I'm gonna make a little bit of money. Yes. Yeah. And my son would bring all his college friends to my show.

No way. And it was at the Den Theater in Chicago, which is one of the great venues in the country. And I would crush, cause he was out there. I mean, I would- Extra effort. I would write out my set,

take out all the stuff, punch my leg. And I would take out all the stuff about fucking his wife from me, my wife from behind, his wife. His wife. His mother. And then I'd hang out with his friends afterwards His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife.

His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife.

His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife.

His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife. His wife Yeah. Nice. I mean, I was lucky because I started in Boston where there was just a ton of rooms. We had four or five seven night a week rooms

in downtown Boston. And then you had outside the city, there was another dozen clubs that were within 20 minutes away. Boston was the internet before the internet. Yes, it really was. Like guys didn't leave Boston. Yeah.

And had homes. Yeah, guys still don't. There's still a bunch of guys that make a really good living. And there's some of the best comics I've ever seen. You know, Don Gavin and Steve Sweeney. Don Gavin is one of the, just like, I watched him every show when I worked with him

at the, back in the day day in the Tropicana. In Atlantic City? No, in Vegas. So it was two shows a night. I watched 14 shows and I never watched comedy, so I was just amazed by that guy. Just the movement of him. Movement. Just the flow, just everything.

It was just like, what is this? Yeah, it's like musical. He's so effortless and he doesn't ever give the audience the feeling that they have any impact on him. Yeah. You know, he can laugh, you don't laugh. He'll check his, joke doesn't work, he just checks his watch. So good, so good.

Yeah, so anyway, so I got to start, I was making a living. By the time I graduated college. I didn't have a job I was just doing stand-up and I look at comics today in LA just like begging to get you know a weekend After years like they do it for years and they're just trying to make 500 bucks on the road, but it's different Here in LA. There's these guys that already have a following that are making a heap of money. There's the guys that have the nepotism

that don't have to go on the road that are able to get stuff in the industry because they're in their face because they're here all the time. Stand-up comics? Yeah, like guys that are not great, that may be working a second job, you know what I mean? They're getting stuff, they're getting stuff.

And then there's people that are really funny that haven't grasped how to get an audience online or whatever that just can't get work. Yeah, right. But I think none of us got work back in the day, right? I don't remember. What do you mean? Like on the road.

Did any of us really go on the road back when we started? No, no, I did colleges, that was the road for me. When I was in my 20s, I did a lot of colleges. Like late 20s, and what was great about that is I could go and I'd do like a 10 day run where I would do like 12 colleges. I'd do nooners and nighttime, and I'd come home with a, what?

Those noon ones where I just, they were really. They were so bad that it didn't even bother me after a while because I just realized like, they don't care, I don't care, I'm cashing the check. I remember I started doing colleges and I was like, I had a week and I was just like, this is not fun. And you came on stage one night with a letter

that they had written to you at some college. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was just like, he's my hero. Everything's okay. Yeah. You remember that? Yeah, yeah. I think you didn't have dinner with them or something like that.

Yeah. Like all these stupid. It was like, well, and I invited, it was a Christian school and I invited the class to my hotel room for a keg after the, I was just making shit up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was talking making shit up.

They said he talked about doing cocaine and having sex with his grandmother, and they wanted the money back, but you know. Didn't give it back. No. But anyway, so I could come back to New York and then not go on the road for like two or three weeks, a month, you know, and then I'd go do a bunch of colleges.

And make enough money in the city. Yeah. Going from club to club that you're living okay. Right. Yeah. And then I auditioned for commercials, which I swear to God, I lived in New York for 10 years, I must've gone on 300 auditions, and I think I booked two commercials in all that time. I think I did 10.

I think I did 10. Oh yeah, you used to book commercials. Yeah, it was so often. Would you get like beer? Beer, the beginning of the internet, the dot coms, like they were selling weird things. Yeah. I got those, I got pizza, I got,

can't remember a couple other things. Did you try to do that in LA? I did, I actually switched over like halfway through, like I was like, because they'd send me out to LA most of the time. So that's when I moved out here because I was booking commercials. So I did it and then the strike happened

and it just dried up for me completely. It was just like, it was just a kick in the balls. Yeah. Is it funny you look back and you go like, it's so corny, but like that was a good thing, looking back. Yeah. Yeah. It's like right now,, podcasting revenues are changing a lot.

It used to be, like a buyer, whether it was a betting site or whatever, they would say, are we like his podcast, we're like his podcast, and now they go to podcast networks and they say, here's a lump check, we want mails between 28 and 37. And then the network divvies up the money.

And so that's all changing. So I'm sort of like reworking the finances for this podcast right now. But I go like, well, I'm not gonna go like, oh, it's fucking over. I'm gonna go like, no, what's the new way? Maybe I do a Patreon, maybe whatever. Yeah, it's it.

You never give up. Yeah, we give up. You know, do you work with Punch Up? What's that? It's so it's a they control my schedule on my website. But they have kind of a Patreon thing there. Oh, really? Yeah.

And they also do... You can watch my videos that you can't find anywhere else if you sign up for my mailing list, and they have a mailing list, and their mailing list is... Oh. I'll introduce you to them if you want, because... Is it a hosting service? It's a hosting service for... Oh, I did hear about this.

So, but it's kind of interesting. Yeah. But I was like, oh, that's interesting then, because I have a Patreon, right? Yeah. Which I enjoy, I put some extra things out, but I don't really understand it. There's guys that make house payments a month on- Oh, Tim Dillon makes like 300,000 a month?

It's insane. Yeah. It's insane, right? So, but this way you could have it all in one area. And's insane. Yeah. It's insane, right? So, but this way you could have it all in one area. And the thing that I liked about it was that when they sign up, they get there at stuff and you now have them all,

they will find out in their area where your show is. If they sign onto your website, they see the show that's in their area before they show is. Right. If they sign on to your website, they see the show that's in their area before they see all the other shows. So it's got geo location or whatever. And then you can send them emails when I'm coming too. That's good. Yeah.

That's good. Yeah, I need to do that. I have a kind of social media person and she was telling me that we're gonna migrate over. There was two she was looking at, but that sounds like that's the one to go with. What was the other one she was looking at? I don't know.

Rock band or something like that? No, not rock band. I think I used to be with rock bands, but yeah, there's so many ways to do it now. And I think what you said is what it is. You gotta give a little extra. You gotta, and to do that, you have to be excited about that content.

Like we got this green screen studio, and we've got some new technologies that we're playing with here. And I'm excited to try to do something with the green screen that'll be standalone segments. You, I think, you still do your weekly news show, right? Yeah, Sunday Papers. Do you do it on Friday here?

No. Why are you? That's what Paul just asked me, because Mike Gibbons is lazy and wants to do it from his closet every week. Yeah, but you can stand in front of this with your stories. You can be in the story. Yep.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The other problem is- Gibbons might have come in from home. Hello. Yeah. Well, the problem is, oh, you mean I could do that and he could be from home.

Yeah. Oh, that's true. That's true. The other problem is we usually tape it on Friday or Saturday and I'm on the road half the time. Could you change it or no? We'd have to shoot earlier in the week. Yeah, but then we're not getting-

That's actually pretty good because now you're giving them like a Friday, Saturday show. Like you're putting it out for, like if you're taping it Thursday, they're getting it for Friday, Saturday. No, it's called the Sunday Papers. But you do it Friday, Saturday. Put it out Friday, Saturday,

and it's called the Sunday Papers. Yeah, yeah, that's good. Yeah. Well, that's like the, at midnight, remember they moved it to 11 o'clock? Yeah. Yeah. What are you gonna do? Come on, we named it, that's for a reason. Yeah. Yeah. What are you gonna do?

Come on, we named it this for a reason. Yeah. Yeah. All right, listen, I have a script. I have some questions that I wanna ask you. Don just the Mary McDonald one. Oh my God, that was. That was awesome.

That was a good one. She was like this tall. She was tiny and you're right, she had that smile. She was funny and a sparkle. She had a real sparkle. But I remember seeing you guys flirting and I always wondered if you guys were, ended up dating. Huh?

I didn't pull it off like you did. That was pretty sweet. Here's a number, I'll see you there. I've got two or three stories like that where I look back and I go, where, how did I pull that out of my ass? Where did I get that confidence? Yeah. Right? Yeah.

I love it. You wanna hear another one? Yes. I was in college. I think I was like a freshman in college and I was home for the summer. No, no, no, no, no. I was probably like a senior in college

because I was doing standup already. So I'm home for the summer and- Which is a funny thing for a standup to hear. Right, as a standup, I was home for the summer. Well, I was in college. Right, but still, but you're home for the summer as a standup, working standup. Yeah.

So I get up at like noon and there's a knock on the door and my mom's at work, my dad's at work, my brother and sister are not home, they're living elsewhere. I open up the door and it's this magazine sales girl, these high schools that would, they'd go around to different towns and sell magazine subscriptions.

So this girl, and she was, I remember she was a senior in high school, and so I'm hoping she was 18 for the sake of this story. For the sake of this story, she was 18. She was 18. Almost 19. And I'm hoping she was 18 for the sake of this story. For the sake of the story, she was 18. She was 18. Yeah, almost 19. And I'm 20.

Old Man River. Old Man River, and she says, "'Would you like to buy a magazine?' And I said, I said, "'Well, let me see the catalog.' And I looked and I go, "'I don't really want any of these magazines.' And she goes, "'Are you sure?'

And I said, "'Well, if you wanna come in and have a cup of coffee, you can try to pitch me some of these magazines and she goes, are you sure? And I said, well, if you wanna come in and have a cup of coffee, you can try to pitch me some of these magazines. So she comes in, I give her some coffee and I'm wearing like boxers, shorts and a t-shirt. And she, we're talking about the magazines and it gets a little bit flirty.

And then she asked me if this is where I live. And I said, yeah, this is my house. No way. And she said, this is your house? I said, yeah, this is my house. No way. And she said, this is your house? I said, yeah, I'm a comedian. And she goes, you must be a pretty big comedian. I go, yeah, yeah. I said, do you wanna see a video of me doing stand-up?

What? VHS. It was a VHS tape. We walk into the family room. It's getting like, you know, old people, curtains and a shack rug. And I put in the tape, and it's me doing five minutes, you know, in front of a fireplace at a Chinese restaurant.

And it's five minutes, and I'm probably bombing. But she was, you know, this oaky from the middle of Indiana, and she was like, oh, she's in New York, and she's like, oh my God, it's all happening, it's all happening. And so we start fooling around. And then she said, do you have a condom? And I ran up to my brother's room and I got a condom.

And then I came back downstairs and she goes, do you wanna go to your bedroom? And I was thinking in my head, it's got like race car wallpaper and a Fonzie poster. You know, we can't go to my bedroom. Oh, that's so funny. And I couldn't go in my bedroom. That's so funny. And I couldn't go in my parents' bedroom. So I said, no, let's just stay on the couch.

So we had sex on the couch and then she leaves and I didn't buy a magazine. It's the biggest win. And then like an hour later, she's like, I gotta go, I gotta meet the van because the van would drop them up and then they'd take them to a different neighborhood. Yeah, I gotta go meet the van.

She's pulling this off in between meeting the van and selling it. Oh, this is impressive. So she gets in the van and leaves and then I get a call like an hour later from my friend Tommy and he's like, dude, you're not gonna believe what happened. I go, what?

He goes, this girl comes to my door selling magazines. No way. He goes, and she's cute. She's like from the midway. I go, yeah. And he goes, anyway, like I totally hit on her. I told her she was pretty, but I didn't buy a magazine. She just left.

But I mean, I really, and I was like, I didn't buy the magazine either. And she came in. How mad was he? Was he furious? He was furious. Cause he was the good looking one. He's the one that always got the girl.

But she'd already busted a nut. She had nothing left in the tank. I tell you what, funny over good looking any day of the week. Yup. See? Plus I had a big house. Huge house. And a race car bad shoe was just...

How did she not just see the family picture? Just a huge portrait on the wall and you just sitting to the side. I've got acne. Why would I have a four bedroom house? All this, all this, these payments in this house gives me pimples. The stress of the house. Oh, I love it. That's a great story.

Yeah, I pulled off a couple good ones. Do you tell them on stage? No, I should. You should. I might say she was in college on stage, just because I don't want people saying that I'm like a, you know, you don't even need to tell the age. You don't like, you could,

cause people just think she's selling magazines. She might be 30. Yeah. You all right? Right. Yeah. I liked think she's selling magazines. She might be 30. Yeah. You all right? Right. Yeah. I liked that she was young though. It was good times.

Isn't it weird to think, when did you lose your virginity? 18. And how old was she? I think 22. Really? How did that happen? She was older and she won the little of the bag. No, I don't know.

How'd you meet her? Australia, through a cousin. You were visiting Australia? My family's Australian, my mom's side. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I know. And so you went down on a family vacation, you met a 22 year old Australian girl.

I don't like it, you went down on a family vacation. As a matter of fact, I did. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, yeah, I'm this guy. Yeah, right. I float up and down, so that was okay then I think, so. So, all right, then that ruins the next question. Why? Well, I was gonna say it's weird because I lost my virginity at 16, and I remember that at the time,

one of the girls that I slept with was 15, and then as a 58-year-old, you go, wait, nobody should be having sex with a 15 year old, but I guess if you're 16, you're grandfathered in. I know, but just the concept of sex with a 15 year old is so weird. You shouldn't be looking back on it now and going, hmm. Yeah.

I do like that kind of girl. Pull the high school yearbook off the shelf. As a matter of fact, I do love a good blemish. I like a skittish look in a girl's eyes. It's terrible. It's terrible but it's funny. Everybody laughs. Yeah, braids.

Is there any sport, this is called fastballs with fits. I asked you some quick questions and you answered them. Is there any sport that's ever been dominated by one player to the extent that Wayne Gretzky is unequivocally the greatest hockey player of all time? You soccer, right, Pele? I don't think he won as many World Cups. But there's, yeah.

But there's, you have to. Well, there's goals scored. Right. I remember my son explaining to me that Pele was great in his day, but that his numbers didn't stack up to, I don't know if it's Messi or Ronaldo, but one of them has better numbers.

But Gretzky changed the sport by how good he was. Yes. Pele changed the sport by how good he was. Yes, that's true. Okay. I would look at it like that. I don't think, because the game is played different at different times of history. Yeah.

Right? So I don't think numbers can be compared. You have to look at what Jordan did to basketball when basketball was kind of dead. Right. You look at what Bird and Magic did when basketball was dead. Each of those players brought the game back. I think football and hockey,

the equipment's so different now. Yeah. What would Rocket Richard be doing with a pair of bowerskates made today and a curve on a stick that is made of, you know, graphite? So you have to look at it like that. Right, right. Whereas, and I guess tennis the same, but soccer, it was just played different because there's nothing really more, the shorts aren't lighter.

Yeah, yeah, that's true. And tennis, the racquets are so different. I mean, that game was so much more about touch with a wooden racket, having finesse and touch, covering the court in sneakers that were made of canvas. Yeah. Are you kidding me? It was so much more exact.

There was no room for error at all. Yeah. So they were impressive beyond. Yeah. Right? Right. But it also, it doesn't look as good on black and white though. Yeah. So you're just like, oh, that's stupid.

Right. What are the original six NHL hockey teams? Chicago, Boston, Toronto, Montreal. What am I missing? Toronto, Montreal, Chicago, Boston. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Do-do-do-do-do. Man, why can't I remember the two? Detroit. Yep. And? There's one that everybody misses. New York. Rangers.

You got it. Is that the one everybody misses? Yeah, everybody misses the Rangers. Just owned by the weirdest owner ever of all times right now. Yes. Very strange. Very strange. So strange.

Doesn't he own the Knicks as well? The Knicks and the... And Madison Square Garden. Madison Square Garden and where the Rockettes play, he owns that. The Rockettes? You know, they do the dancing. What's that?

Oh, Radio City Musical? Oh, really? Yeah, he owns the Schphere in Vegas. No! Yeah. Dude, you gotta go to that. We saw the dead there this year. It was crazy. You know what I wanna go to?

There's a place kind of like it where you're in a building, it's a bar, but it feels like you're in the stadium. Yes, my friend just went to that. It's in Inglewood, right? Yes. Yes, I wanna go to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think they've got one of those in a few cities now. You and I are friends with Tim Robbins. Yes. Who was just on the show here about four months ago. On this one? Yep. How's he doing? He's doing great.

His son's really funny. I watch him on social media. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So he came in, we talked about his new play that he has at the Actors Gang. I don't know if you ever get over there

to see any of his plays. No. Name four Tim Robbins movies. Okay, is it, can I describe them or do I have to give their titles? You gotta give the titles. Son of a. Oh, by the way, this is for a T-shirt.

Shawshank Redemption. That's one. Mm-hmm. What's the one with Martin Lawrence? I want to say get out, but it's not get out. It's the getaway. Oh, forget it. It's not that one.

Shawshank Redemption. I can give you hints. The producers? No, don't. What? No, it's not the producers, what is it? Oh, okay, give me a hint. Baseball?

Bull Durham. Yep. Irish mafia? New York City? Oh, why am I... Jacob's Ladder. He was in Jacob's Ladder. He was in Jacob's Ladder? I don't remember. That's what it says here.

You know who I know was in Jacob's Ladder? There's a comic that was in Jacob's Ladder. What? There was a comic that was in Jacob's Ladder. Who was it? Look at you, you can't even answer your own question. Nevermind my questions. I know, I know.

The player was the one you were trying to think of. Yes. And then there was one set in Boston. I couldn't even remember the one I was in. I was so stupid. Oh, is that why you brought it up? The great little rock, yeah. Oh, right, right, right.

I remember he put you in one of those. Because we played on a hockey team with him in New York. Yeah, did you bring up hockey with him? We won the championship. Yeah, I think we're still, I don't think there was any more championships after that. Really? Yeah.

It was the Policeman and Fireman's League, so I'm guessing we lost some of those guys in 9-11. I think we lost a lot of those guys. Yeah, because that was in 97? 99. 99 we played in that league. Yeah, so yeah, a lot of those guys must have. It was two police teams, two fire teams, secret service.

And FBI. And FBI, so definitely. All right. Yeah. The FBI guys were douchebags. Douchebags. Yeah. Yeah. It was a non-contact league and they would just lay you out.

I remember walking out and they were arguing with the guy at the booth for parking. Uh-huh. They didn't want to pay for parking. Yeah. I was like, you guys are assholes. Yeah. What is,

there are two types of people in the world. Go. Black and white. That's the best answer I've ever heard. Who's the worst feature act you've ever had? Oh my God. Has anybody ever answered this question? Oh yeah.

You don't have to say his name. You can just describe him or her. Jim Gaffigan. Ah, was he a feature for you? No, I used to open for him. I used to get so mad at me. Like, you can't do crowd work. I'm like, well, why are you allowed to use hot pockets?

This doesn't make sense. There was a guy that I worked with in Vegas and he would do a lot of singing and then change the words. And he'd say this, as he said, you can applaud if you want to. Oh no, really? He would just beg for applause, Rick, so it was just crazy.

Some guys used to plant the seed for the standing O. During their set, they'd be like, blah, blah, blah, and I know you guys liked that, but save that for the standing O at the end. That's really funny. And then they would bow and they would go like this with their arms, they'd raise the arms up as they were saying goodnight. No way. And they would get like this with their arms. They'd raise the arms up as they were saying goodnight.

No way. And they would get the standing O's. I mean, when's the last time you got a standing ovation? Saturday. Did you really? Dude. But I'm one of those guys that's, I book it off. Hey, goodnight, thanks, I'll be out there

and start booking it and I can see them standing. We catch them on camera, that's what you do. So yeah. Dude, that's powerful we do. So, yeah, yeah. Dude, that's powerful. That's pretty fun. I get maybe five a year. How often do you get recognized in the airport?

Usually every time. Yeah, me too, yeah. Usually once. Do you do this? Once a trip. Do you go like this? I gotta stop telling people to fuck off. Yeah. Because too many people are recognizing me now. I gotta stop telling people to fuck off. I know, I know. No, it happened this morning.

I went to REI to buy some gifts for Christmas and I'm checking out and I go, I have an REI card. Can I use the credit from that? And he goes, let me look it up. And he goes, what's your phone number? And I give him the phone number and he goes, no, you don't have a credit on here. I go, well, we were just here last week

and they said there was a $30 credit and we hadn't used it. Well, it's not in the computer. I go, do you mind checking again? I try not to have a tone when I say, can you check again? And he checked again. He said, oh yeah, I did, I found it, I found it, blah, blah, and then I go, thanks a lot, I pay him. As I'm walking out, he goes, by the way,

thanks for all your great work, you're hilarious. I was like, well, why didn't you look it up by my name? How could you not find it? Oh, oh, and he checked my ID. Are you serious? Yes, checked my ID. So he was playing that he didn't know you the whole time. Yes.

But at the end, he was like. Unless he saw my name he didn't know you the whole time. Yes. But at the end he was like. Unless he saw my name and then it's because, you know, because I'm more in the audio world, maybe than in the TV or film world, maybe he didn't know my face as much and saw my name and went, oh, I've listened to this guy's podcast or something. Do you think people still listen more to podcasts

than watch them? Mine for sure. I would say 90 something percent of my listeners. People start watching. He's got a green screen. I got a great face. My guest is not hard on the eyes. Hard on the hearing.

Who do you want to give your eulogy when you die? Nobody, I don't want to die. I don't think I want one. I don't go, I think I would like to, I'd like to be a bench, you know what I mean? You see when they give people benches. Yeah. And just like, just the,

here's another escape for me in bag. Right? Just sit down and relax. Who would you have? Mike Givens. Nice. You know Mike Givens, right? Yeah, but now you're thinking you're gonna die before him.

Oh, I'm definitely gonna die before him. I'm dying before you. I'm dying before everybody. Man, you got plans. Yeah. Don't. I don't. I need you around until you're about 80, 85.

That seems excessive. No, you do a lot of stretching. You're gonna be just fine. Yeah. Give it a shot. All right, last question, then I'm gonna let you go. Okay. When's the last time you apologized?

Friday in the airport when I was like, I don't need to show you my fucking, so when you fly Delta at LAX, right? Yeah, new terminal, love it. Beautiful terminal, but to get from this side, you have to go by this. You don't need to show your TSA, you don't need to show your boarding pass

because you're going to another check-in, right? They make you go in at three and then walk over to four. So, and there's an escape and then they never check it, but every once in a while, there's somebody that's never walked down the other end and figured it out, right? And this lady, I'm like, I need to see her thing.

And I'm like, what's in my bag? I don't wanna get it done. And I don't need it to go over there. I'm gonna put my bag in the thing. I need to see it. And I just like, and I said, and I was, my wife was in my ears and she's like, don't be an asshole. These are the people that can't control anything,

don't be an asshole. And I was a little short and I said sorry about that, I apologize that I was short. And right afterwards, when I got onto the other side, a pilot stopped me and said, hey man, I love watching your clips online, they're fantastic. I was like, three minutes earlier,

I would have been the biggest asshole ever. Right, right. Yeah, I just apologize on Thursday night. It was the night that I was depressed at the punch line in San Francisco. Come off, I'm in a good mood. I sell pins after the show. I have these little pins.

What do they say? It's my face and my name. It's a little pin. I want one. All right, I have one in my bag. I'll give after the show. I have these little pins. What do they say? It's my face and my name. It's a little pin. I want one. All right, I have one in my bag. I'll give it to you. I want it. So I put the bag out on a table in the lobby

and then I get off stage and I walk out to the table in the lobby and as I'm doing it, they announce from the, no the lady, as people are walking over, go, please exit on that side. There's other doors and she's sending them I'm away from there with a table of merch and I'm losing Hundreds of dollars as she sends people to the other side. Oh my god, and I go, what are you doing? I go, why are you sending them? She goes well, that's that that's where we want people I go

No, I go I've been coming to this club that's where we want people. I go, no, I go, I've been coming to this club literally 25 years and that's, she was new. And I got snappy with her. And then after I finished selling, I went over and I said, hey, I didn't mean to be short with this, just that that's never happened before. That's money.

And if you're taking my money away from me, I'm a little short. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in, but at least you're nice afterwards. Oh, cause I beat myself up. When I'm not kind to people, I really beat myself up. It's like the opposite of Alan. Really? You know what's so funny?

You've got this great acidic tongue. Yeah. And I find the people with the best acidic tongues really feel guilty afterwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. But I mean, you and I on stage have acidic tongues, but like I think you said before, it's like a friendship. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. But I mean, you and I on stage have acidic tongues, but like I think you said before, it's like a friendship.

So you're ball busting a good friend when you're doing crowd work. If I, I would never talk to somebody I don't like like that because it would be too real. Yeah. Right? Right. But it's not real if you're my friend.

Yeah. It's me just teasing you. But I mean, when you tease an audience member. But they're saying, but I like that. There's something about them you like. Yeah. Yeah. Right, right, right. Yeah, they've paid to see me. That's what I like about them.

When someone heckles in there and they're an asshole, it gets too real when I shit on them. It escalates very fast. I try not to, I try to not get angry because, yeah, I could probably walk the rest of the crowd and have that person stay there. Exactly. Right? Because your crowds, I think, are much like mine.

They're there to have fun and escape. Yes. Right? Yeah. They're not there to have somebody talk down to them. They're not there to shit on other people. They're there to have fun. They're there to escape.

Now are you sure when you say you get these standing ovations that they're not walking out on you? Well, they come halfway through the show, right? Yeah, that's a standing ovation. That's a walking ovation. Ian Bagg will be coming to see you live in Richmond, Virginia, Brea, California, Salt Lake City, Denver, Orlando, Vegas, Nashville, Madison, Wisconsin, Lexington, Kansas City, Omaha.

If you go to ianbagg.com with two Gs at the end. Sign up, too. Sign up for the newsletter because he's got this new service pro, what's it called? A punch up. Punch up. And you're gonna do it too. I'm gonna do it too, punch up. And check out his podcast which is called.

Enjoying Orange Slices. Enjoying Orange Slices with Jeff and Ian. And just check out all, obviously we've talked about it, he's got a lot of stuff online, check it out. Ian, you're the best man. See you, check it out. And you're the best, man. See you in a year, buddy. See you in a year. See you in a year.

See you in a year. See you in a year. See you in a year, buddy. See you in a year. See you in a year. See you in a year. See you in a year. See you in a year.

See you in a year. See you in a year. See you in a year. See you in a year. See you in a year. See you in a year. See you in a year. See you in a year.

See you in a year. See you in a year. See you in a year. See you in a year. See you in a year.