Fitzdog Radio - Ian Edwards - Episode 1037

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

Back on this week is my good pal Ian Edwards. A great comedian and TV writer, I learn some things about him I never knew. And he learns things about me he did not want to know. Follow Ian Edwards on Instagram @IanEdwardsComic 

Welcome to FitzDawg Radio. I'm in an eerie light. I'm back in the Venice Beach FitzDawg Studios. We got one of those social media lights over in the corner, which you can see. Look at my glasses. See that little circle right in the middle? Yeah, that's why we don't like those. Very exciting. It's the college NCAA championships tonight. I will not be watching.

I believe it's Michigan. And who are they playing, JoJo? Somebody. She has no idea either. We're not a college football family. We are a Catholic family. We're about praying, asking the Lord Jesus Christ to forgive our sins in deed and in thought. That's the thing around this house is we worry about our thoughts.

That's what's important. That's what I was taught growing up in a Catholic church is if you think it, you did it. That's it. You didn't have to actually, I mean, how fucked up is that to tell a child

that the thoughts they can't control are evil and will send you to a pit of fire forever. Want some dessert? No, Ma, I'm going to sit in the fetal position in my room and think about eternal damnation because I thought about stealing something. I didn't do it, about stealing something. I didn't do it, but the concept crossed my mind.

So I will burn until my skin melts forever. Oh my God. Anyway, so college football, who cares? I watched pro football yesterday. It's kind of a bummer because my teams were all playing second stringers. I like watching the Kansas City Chiefs. Mahomes was benched. Kelsey was benched. They don't want to, because they're already locked for the playoffs. So this was an extra game they don't need to win. So the Chargers, Herbert was

benched. Everybody I was excited to watch. And so it was a boring day of football, but the real, the wild card starts next week. I got the 49ers to win the whole thing. Um, but who knows, maybe the Rams will step up and take it all again. Like we did a few years ago. Um, it is weird though, because when your team is locked for the playoffs and you don't need the win, how do you like to be somebody that goes, no, but you're still playing? We don't value you enough. We don't really care if you get injured. Just get in there and whatever happens, happens. Oh, what the fuck? That hurts. That hurts a little bit. I was out with my nephew when we went out. I was thinking about Teslas because I have to buy a new car, or I think lease. I've never leased a car because that always seems like a sucker's bet. It seems like you're paying them

and you're not getting any equity out of the deal. Like I've had my Prius for a lot of years. I own that shit. Every year I drive it for free. There's no monthly payment. I drive it for free. And if I sell it, I get all the money. So I don't know about this leasing idea.

But anyway, so I'm thinking about a Tesla. But then I went out with my nephew and like we had to charge his car. We had to drive like 30 minutes to get to a charging station. And then you had to park it overnight. And even when he came back the next morning, it wasn't fully charged because something wasn't done right. It's like, give me a fucking break. I don't need to live like that. We've got this kind of perfect invention where you put, okay, so you put some dinosaur blood in there. That's fine. However that works, I don't know where they get the oil.

I'm not an ethical person, but you turn the key, the car goes. And it keeps going until you stop at any one of millions of stations every couple blocks, which will put more dinosaur piss into your car. And you keep on going. It's kind of great. And now all of a sudden, I'm like a heroin addict looking for their next fix, not knowing am I going to get caught without a bag of dope and get dope sick and get stuck by the side of the road. No, I don't need that pressure in my life.

I got enough pressure in my life. I don't need to worry about fuel like it's Mad Max and I got to tool through the desert beating back gremlins so I can fill up my tank. Fuck that. Kind of tough news this week. I have recorded my special, as you know. I'm editing it right now. And in the middle of the editing, I get a call from a good buddy of mine who's a comedian. Not a good buddy, but a buddy, a guy I've known for a lot of years. And he's a super nice guy. And he told me that he sent a friend to come out and see me this weekend in LA, and that the friend came back and told him that I have the same bit as him.

Now, keep in mind, as much as I've known this guy, I've not really, we're both headliners, so I don't really see his act, but somehow we have a concept that is very, it's more than similar. It's the same concept and, and the beats are similar. And it's really one of those things where you go like, all right, it's not like it's not nuclear physics, this bit. It's pretty much sitting out there. It's a it's a it's an accessible idea. It's not that it's not a good idea, but you can see more than one person thinking of it. So anyway, he called me and he said, you know, I've already done it on a TV show. He sent me the clip.

And so I said I'd drop it. So I'm dropping it. So I got to cut it out of my special, which sucks because it's like it's kind of the end of a whole long line of it's a it's a chunk of material. And this was like the out. This was the fucking act three this was the closer to that piece of the special and i gotta take it out but it's the right thing to do it's just what you do if somebody else has the bit and they've already recorded it it's their bit that's it and so anyway we're gonna we're gonna hang out next. I'm sure we'll have a laugh about it, but it sucks because now I've got to rework

the order of some stuff in the special. But it will be coming out, I'm hoping, in March. That's the plan. I was out this weekend working on new shit, trying to build the new hour, and I met a comic who I've got to say I was very impressed by there's a guy you may or may not know him he's been on SNL for a couple years now his name is uh Marcello Hernandez and he is young kid I don't think the guy's more than 24 25 years old

uh Latino dude whose mother's from Cuba dad is is, I think, Dominican. And he's got material about his folks that is, it's original, it's funny, it's specific. He's got unbelievable stage presence. This kid is so confident in his own skin. I don't hang out and watch comics a lot, but he was on right after me. And I was like, oh, I've never seen this guy. And so I start watching him. Great dude. So I go to the green room afterwards and a bunch of comics are hanging out, Bobby Lee and David Spade.

And so everybody seemed to know this guy. I'm like, how has he been in the business three years and every single comic who's come in here has given him a hug? So he's that know this guy. I'm like, how's he been in the business three years and every single comic who's come in here has like given him a hug. So he's that kind of guy. He's like really magnanimous. Is that the word? Not magnanimous. He's got a lot of charisma.

And he was very complimentary to me. He's like, I've always watched your stuff. I'm a fan, blah, blah, blah. So now I like him even more. And so we talked for a while. And I got to say, blah, blah, blah. So now I like him even more. And so we talked for a while. And I got to say, I got to start watching. I've not been watching SNL for a while. It feels like it's yesterday's news.

Like SNL feels just fucking so manufactured. There doesn't feel like there's anything. There's no sketch structure that's interesting there's no joke structures on weekend update they're that interesting and but i'm gonna start watching for this guy check him out and then i went down i did corolla asked me to go down to san diego with him last night and we did a we did a podcast and then they got a new crowd in and we did a stand-up show. But during the podcast, he kind of put me on the spot. Like his whole crowd is pretty right-wing,

if not very right-wing. And so he starts talking and we're up on stage together just riffing and then he goes, so Greg, why don't you defend Gavin Newsom in front of all these people? And I'm like, first of all, I'm not a political guy. I'm not super political. I mean, I tend to, I'm a Democrat, but I'm not, I don't wear it on my sleeve. It's not something I walk on stage and talk about.

And all of a sudden, and the people start booing Gavin Newsom. I'm like, what kind of fucking hellstorm have you just thrown me into? and the people start booing Gavin Newsom. Like what kind of fucking hell storm have you just thrown me into? Now I'm supposed to defend a guy that I know very little about in front of a bunch of people that are predisposed to hate him. What the fuck, man? So I just said,

I don't know a lot about California politics, which was absolutely true. And then, and then we did the rest of the show, which was great. And Adam was so fucking funny. He's a, he's,

he's one of those prolific guys every time i see him he's got new material and the audience yells shit out he's always got good stuff on it um and so it was nice to sleep do a gig and sleep in my own bed which is nice and i will be uh that show comes out i, the day you're listening to this. I think Corolla's, if you want to listen to me on a live Corolla podcast. We did it with Jody Miller, who's very funny. I think she's going to come on the show soon. I'm also coming to the Den Theater this Saturday night. I'm pretty psyched. It's one of my favorite places in the country to play. It's just one night, one show, Chicago, January 13th. Get tickets at FitzDawg.com.

And then I'll be at the Atlanta Punchline next week, January 18th through 20th. Portland Helium Comedy Club, February 22nd through 24th. Then I will be in La Jolla in March, Tampa in April. Go to FitzDawg.com. Get your tickets. Don't mess around. Then I will be in La Jolla in March, Tampa in April. Go to FitzDawg.com. Get your tickets. Don't mess around. And also remember that this podcast is brought to you by the lovely folks over at BetterHelp.com.

BetterHelp is online therapy that allows you to stay in your own home, in your own clothes. Maybe you wear pajamas. Maybe that helps you heal. Maybe you got a martini. The therapist doesn't care. They are licensed and they are matched up with you based on a questionnaire that you fill out. What are your needs? What are your hangups? What are your neuroses? What are your goals? And then they match you with somebody who's perfect for that. I did it during the pandemic. I got matched up with somebody fantastic. They taught me cognitive behavioral therapy where I changed my

thoughts, where if I was thinking this negative thing, which was a pattern that I kept thinking, then I realized, oh, that's all or nothing thinking. You recognize it for, anyway, long story short, very successful experience for me. It is cheaper than in-person therapy. I don't know how else to sell it to you guys. If you're thinking about that this is the year where you want to crush it in 2024, what are some of the things that you keep the same about yourself that maybe could be better? It's a time for goals. I know it's random. I know calendars are random, but why not use it as an opportunity to kind of jumpstart some change in your life? Celebrate the progress you've already made. Visit betterhelp.com slash FitzDawg today to get 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash FitzDawg and make some change in your life. Okay, so here's an overheard or two. This comes from Bruce Wise, who's a friend of the show. comes from Bruce Wise, who's a friend of the show. Yesterday, he's sitting in the dentist's office having cracked a filling the day before. I hear a 50-ish old lady next to me talking on her phone, and she says, my hygienist is Carla. She's been my best friend since the eighth grade. He says, and I thought to myself, this is a difference between girls and guys. There's no way I'd let my best friend have me in such a vulnerable position. It's true. It's like, you know, the mouth open in front of somebody, it's the worst part about going to the dentist.

It is like, it's like pulling your ass cheeks apart. That is some tender flesh you're exposing. It's a lot of trust. I don't know about that. And especially, it kind of seems gay because if you're opening your mouth wide in front of a guy, maybe he's going to put his dick in your mouth. I mean, granted, you're in a dentist chair, but he can get a stool. I mean, it's an opportunity. tool, he could, I mean, it's an opportunity. Guys see that as an opportunity, the open mouth. Maybe they're going to draw, if you're asleep, they're going to draw a dick on your face. If you're awake and your mouth's open, they're going to put it right in your mouth. So no, I want a stranger to be my dentist. All right, this one comes from Thomas. This one's not an overheard and it's not funny, but it was heartwarming to

me because he said, I got five years sober a couple of days ago. Very, very happy about that. Turned my life around like you wouldn't believe. I'm listening to the Happy New Year solo podcast this morning on my way to work. Thankful for your podcast and your humor and perspective that you gave me early on in my recovery. We talked a while back about going out while, so yeah, this is a guy who I've gone back and forth with about his sobriety. I've tracked his sobriety since he first got sober, and then he reaches out once in a while to kind of update me. He said, I can confidently say that it took years,

but I'm finally comfortable with the whole process. It's not like I have confidence issues with the way I look or who I am, but it took a while to be comfortable around a bunch of people slowly drifting into the interesting, fun, pleasure realm while I stay 100% sharp, always. Yeah, that's the thing is when you don't drink,

everybody around you drinks and they get dumber and dumber and more emotional and false, false emotional. I don't buy it. I don't buy that my friend is all of a sudden hugging me and saying I love you. It's like, all right, then you're a liar. Either you're a liar because you never told me this when you were sober or you're fucked up and you just say shit to everybody. Either way, you're fucked up and you just say shit to everybody. Either way, get me an Uber.

I'm going home. So he says, I'm going out with my boys for steaks and cigars this weekend to celebrate the milestone. I wrote a speech and everything. Very proud of myself. Very glad to have someone like you. I love listening to on a similar path. Uh,

thanks from the bottom of my heart. Uh, I hope I didn't bore you to death. Much love Thomas. So congratulations to Thomas. I just wanted to give him a shout out and say, stick with it, brother. It's, uh, it's, that's a long time. Uh, five years is great. And you'll just, it'll just, I'm not going to say it's gets easier and easier cause it's challenging, but you found it, and I'm proud of you, so keep it up. Okay, let's get to it.

My interview this week was with a guy who I'm good buddies with. We've written on a lot of shows together, and we've done a lot of stand-up together over the years, and he's a really smart, interesting, funny comic and a good writer, and you're going to love him. Please welcome Ian Edwards, welcome to the first podcast of 2024. Let me check for a second. I have to update my software.

I know, right? Resolutions? You seem like a resolution guy. No, not really. No? Yeah, I just keep on doing what I'm doing. You got it locked in. It worked last year on my live.

Yep. I was like, why not continue to do that type of shit? Right. You know what I mean? I was already kind of going to the gym. I was already kind of eating right. And that covers like 50% of the resolutions that people make. Right.

And so I'm going to just keep doing that. I thought you were a workout in your own apartment guy. Yeah, I've done that. Yeah. Especially during the pandemic when everything was shut down, I've done that. Yeah. But then I probably hurt myself more working out in my apartment

than I did at the gym. What were you doing? Push-ups and sit-ups? Push-ups, yeah. Burpees? I think I wore my shoulder out. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Right. And be like, wouldn't all that responsibilities on my shoulders. I got to mix it up.

No, the shoulder is supposed to just be it's basically a glorified joint. It's not supposed to be a major muscle, right? You know, the bicep pack. Mm hmm. Now my neck is fucked up oh your neck's fucked up why uh i used to play hockey and i was small and so i used to check people with the top of my head instead of my shoulder and one time i did it and i chipped the vertebrae in my uh my neck and so ever since then it catches like it's it's so it's basically there's a sharp edge to the corner of one of my vertebrae is right in here. And so sometimes like a tendon or a ligament will get caught on it.

And then it just it just locks up and it stays like that for like a week. And you can't get it out? Can't get it out. And it just slowly slips out? Yeah. How? No, the disc doesn't slip out. The ligament gets inflamed around it.

Oh. What happened to the piece of bone, that chip? Floating around in there. The craziest thing is, like, at our age, like, when you're young, most of your injuries just go away. But then when you get to a certain age, you heard something and you go, oh, yeah, I'll have this forever now. Right. I feel like when we're young, we just ignore or we have the physical ability to ignore like things without going to get them fixed.

Right. And now. We're not even breaking anything. And you can't ignore shit that you didn't even break. Right, right. And so the thing is, I'll go to the doctor and I have this huge deductible on my insurance. So I'll walk in and it's right out of the gate. It's a couple hundred bucks.

And then 99% of the time they go, just rest it. You know, it's my knee, my shoulder. Just rest it. Okay. Glad I's my knee, my shoulder. Just rest it. Okay. Glad I came in. I like your doctor. I like those type of prognoses. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Just rest it. All right. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm getting where the exercise has to be modulated. I used to work out hard. And now I just try to do maintain workouts.

Right. I'm not trying to build muscle. I'm trying to maintain bone density. Right. That's my thing now. Otherwise you shrink. You see this density, girl? Who's that?

You see this bone density? See how much I haven't shrunk in the last three months? You used to flex your bicep, and now you're like, poke my thigh bone. It's hard, isn't it? Yeah, hasn't shrunk. So we got a new year, and you got a new job. You were just telling me you're going to be writing on a TV show. What's the name of the show?

I'm not even sure I'm supposed to say it. I hate to be that person. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. You don't want to jinx it or you think you're not supposed to announce the job? Both, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say, which is weird when I see people say that because I don't want to promote the thing. Yeah.

But when I got the job, it was before we were supposed to announce it because the strike was going on. Okay. So I didn't check to see if you could tell people. I only told you because I was like, I'm only available this week because I started Monday. Right. So is your deal done?

It's just going to be an extension of the deal from the last, from the first season. Okay. I just got to sign the thing. I'm a great businessman. Right. I didn't even ask those questions. I just assumed. Dude, since the pandemic, every, everything that's been offered to me, I'm like, they're halfway through pitching it. I'm like, I'm in, I'll do it. You know what I mean? Like, there's like some desperation that's left over. I never were, you know, I've been very

lucky as you have. And, you know, we've lived the last 20 years without really thinking about, you know, going broke. You've written on shows since your first writing job was in like the year 2000. And you've worked as much as you want. You're the kind of guy I was like, you're writing on a show and you're like, nah, I left the show because I want to work on my standup for a while. I was like, people don't do that. That's a luxury to have those choices i mean i would kind of do that anyway you know what i mean just because i need to push the stand-up as much as the writing right you know and i feel like even if i'm making less money doing stand-up if i do it hard enough i can make up that money right at some point yeah so i like i believe in the in the stand-up like that but

like even now i want to shoot a special at the beginning of the year, but now that I'm going to be writing on this show, that's not going to be possible. So I have to push the preparation for it, the shooting of it, and the release of it to probably the end of the year, whereas I would have just got on it at the beginning of the year, maybe shoot it in March or something. So why can't you shoot it over the summer?

I could shoot it in the summer, but then I'd have to say I get out of this job in May. Yeah. I'd have to like, I'm going to meet with my agent tomorrow to set up some dates, but I'd have to like. Have like a month or so shows to like tighten the hole. You got to get back in the gym. Yeah. To like be doing that hour to be like, you're ready to like do it. Right.

Right. And it's an old hour that's just been hanging over my head with new stuff in it. Yeah. So I just need to. Flush it. Just, you know, yeah, get rid of it. Yeah. Drop it.

Right. Yeah. That's tough. I mean mean you can't just do it like sometimes i see these people do specials and i know they're on talking saturday night live or whatever and it's like all of a sudden they're doing a special it's like i haven't seen you in the clubs right how did you get an hour together and you see the hour and you go oh yeah you didn't give a shit but audiences don't care like they don't see a lot of those people blow up you know yep yep you just it's like an album you just need one hit joke that's true people are feeling that joke right come see you based on that joke right you know i mean look at um and not that she she's a road dog and she's putting her time but that that woman who had to bit about getting her nails done.

Oh, back in the day. Yeah. Back in the day. Like she that was her hit. That was it. But she built on it, though. She was like, yeah, yeah. I like her.

Yeah. Angela Johnson. Angela Johnson. Yeah. She's put in the work. She she has. But I mean, it is an example of somebody who went from obscurity to like headlining big rooms. Yeah.

Fast. From when you from when you needed like a TV set to like, you got a hot it that I launch you and if you like, yeah, that, you know, things change. You ever get a hot bit. What's the hottest bit you ever got on the internet? I got a bunch of hot bits, but I don't think I've ever, uh, of, uh, like, like capitalized on them completely. Right.

I mean, like there's been gaps in between because of the writing of like pursuing like, like the shock. It was something that people remember. I got this bit that I did on Conan about Al Sharpton not being a good leader. Uh-huh. Yeah, I remember that. I had another bit about somebody spending 20 years in jail for a crime they didn't do. And then when they got out, they got a crime credit card because they've already done the time. Yeah, right, right.

Crime. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. because I've already done the time. Yeah, right, right. Crime. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's a bunch. It's like a guy who's been in a bad marriage for 20 years and he gets out and he just wants to fuck everything. And he can't. He can't. Because he put up with a lot of shit.

Well, because the women know that he was married for 20 years, so they go, oh, this guy, he can commit. Yeah, he can commit. They like that. Which is something important. Right, right. And this guy committed to 20 years in jail. Yeah.

He did time for some shit he didn't do. Right, right. How else would you pay him back? Yeah. Let him commit crime for free. I think about this sometimes. Because when I'm on the road, I don't know why, but I'm obsessed with watching MSNBC's Lock Up, you know, where they show life in prison. I used to do that.

It scares the shit out of me. It scares the shit out of me. But it also, I think it's kind of a metaphor for being on the road and like you're trapped in a hotel room and you're just doing the time, you know, until the show. Naked and Afraid is my road hotel room show. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Do you get turned on by it or you just think it's interesting? the show? Naked and Afraid is my road hotel room show. Oh, really? Yeah. You get turned on by it or you just think it's interesting? Man, I just wonder why people don't bring bug spray.

That's all I think about. Sunblock. You get to bring one thing. Yeah, sunblock and bug spray. Right. I couldn't survive the bugs. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm out on that. I know. Yeah. And then there's snakes and there's bugs that will crawl in your ear and live. That is. Yeah. Yeah. So when I was working on this show, what the fuck was it? Oh, it was. Dana Carvey had a show.

You didn't work on that, did you? First impressions? No, no, no, but it was with Todd. You silly. That's why I thought maybe you did. Um,

so we had a studio and our writing offices were next to the edit bays for naked and afraid. And the funny thing was, it wasn't blurred yet. Right. So you could see the people like squatting around the fire, but with their full genitalia splayed out. And they don't pick the hottest people for that. You don't want to see that. I mean, some of them, some of them get hotter as they start. Yeah. Right.

Some of them get hotter as they starve. Yeah, right. I do naked and afraid for the abs. Yeah, right. But I don't think I'd last one night of bugs. Right, right. What do you, I'm on the keto diet. What are you doing? Naked and afraid.

Mm-hmm. So if you got, do you think you could make it in prison? Nah. Nope, straight up. You ever been arrested? think you could make it in prison? No. Nope. Straight up. You ever been arrested? No. Really?

No shit. How dare you? You, what you, what's this really? No shit. I've been arrested like three or four times. I mean, that's, that's, that's the privilege of a white guy. You could just say that and just be out here talking about yeah i don't have them worried about making any money i've been arrested i've been arrested once i'm not i'm not getting no job

you get arrested once you're going away for a while i get arrested once my parents come down and bail me out it's just greg I get arrested once my parents come down and bail me out. It's just Greg. No, we got a little cops. We got a little carried away. Yeah. And you run out of money and you're like, there's nobody.

I'm not getting the Chuck Sklar is not calling me up for a job out of the blue. A friend of mine, he was on parole once. So he had to go visit his parole officer. So he asked me to come pick him up. And he gets in the car. As soon as he gets in the car, a bunch of parole officers surround the car and they're like, pull us over. And they're like, because you're not supposed to consort with a known felon if you're on parole. So they were assuming I'm on parole, too.

So they're trying to like just because you're black up his parole no no bro really they had to let go but they they try to violate you yeah they try to get you back in there sometimes they want you in prison somehow for whatever reason that they don't make it easy yeah right right so they had to just let us go. I'm like, you can't do shit to me. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not on you. I'm not on your records.

Damn. You can't do shit to him either. I'm just picking him up. Right. Right. What was he in for? He probably might've been drugs back then. Yeah.

Weed was illegal and shit. Yeah. Sometimes I'll ask the audience. It's amazing. I was in Milwaukee, Wisconsin for New Year's Eve. And Jesus Christ, these people, there's no hope in their eyes. Damn. hands were going up left and right because they just you know they just get stir crazy and they start getting drunk and driving home and they hit shit and they take snowmobiles and they run into

fucking cars um so uh yes this guy raised his hand i go i go what were you in jail for and he said uh domestic violence like why would you say that he said there was a girl. He hasn't learned his lesson, obviously. Yeah. What a way for her to find out. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I mean, I think if I was in jail, I think I'd get through because I would like, I'd be the class clown. I'd be the prison clown and make people laugh. And then I'd definitely try that. Yeah. You know, but who knows? Yeah. Cause cause people in jail, a lot of people are emotional and sensitive. Like they overreacted. Yeah. So it's like, how do you know clowning somebody won't make them overreact again oh no no you got to clown the

guards behind their backs yeah yeah yeah you just roast the guards roast the guards yeah and then maybe you do some sort of like uh you know existential observation about man's isolation loneliness do that you're completely prepared for prison i got got my set. Yeah, I gotta start working on mine. But thanks for these directions to go in. Appreciate it. Meanwhile, I probably like the biggest meanest guy would be like, he'd be like, Hey, you. You're funny. Suck my dick. No, no, you're supposed to protect me. I'm supposed to keep making you laugh and make your experience a bit. Shut the fuck up. Y'all gonna let him do this.

Y'all was laughing five minutes ago. That's like what's funny about that last scene in the Blues Brothers when they're playing their music in prison. Dale House Rock and everybody's dancing. They ended up in prison at the House Rock and everybody's dancing. They ended up in prison at the end of the movie. I can't remember. Yeah. I mean, their whole goal was just to get the $10,000 to the state treasurer so they could save the orphanage and they didn't care about getting arrested

because John Belushi had just gotten out anyway, he was going, he was going back. Right. And so, uh, they got to the treasurer's office and they paid. And then the building was, it's at the time, the most expensive movie ever made. Do you remember that fucking car chase? Yeah. Kinda.

I remember them driving and speeding. It was kind of like, uh, what's that show that used to be on TV with the Confederate flag on the car? Oh, uh, Dukes of Hazzard. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You know but i when i watched the blues brothers i was like this is whack yeah i never really thought it was that good but i know it was a classic that an animal house yeah animal house i did like more but blues brothers like yeah my son felt like that which is so strange to me because I think I think Blues Brothers is top top three funniest movies of all time. Because of how you felt when you first watched it. I think I watched it past. It's.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's why I didn't watch it. Like when it first came out. Yeah. Yeah. I just loved all the cameos.

Ray Charles and Cab Calloway, like all these classical singers. Fucking. What's her name? and Cab Calloway, like all these classical singers. Fucking, what's her name? Aretha Franklin singing Respect in the Diner. You know, the music alone. I went to see this show about two months ago. You know the Bourbon Room in Hollywood? Yeah.

You ever performed there? Dope room, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Great room. Yeah. So they had this show one night where they showed the Blues Brothers on this huge screen, but they had a 10-piece band. And every time they got to a song, they turned down the volume on the movie, kept showing it, but then the band played and sang perfectly lip-synced to what was on the screen.

And everybody came dressed as the Blues Brothers. People danced. That's like the Rocky Horror Picture Show version of the Blues Brothers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly what it was. And it was amazing. It was great. Just one of the most quotable movies. What's your top three

comedies of all time? Comedies? Let me see. Something aboutary's one of them uh some eddie murphy movies like when eddie murphy like trading places 48 hours 48 hours you know now i'm going past three but i just I remember the first scary movie was hilarious. I'm going to get you suck. I saw it in a black movie theater in Queens. That's how you do it. That was like, that's like, you know, you know, you just mentioned the blues brothers and the music and everybody dressed up. Yeah.

Like, uh, going to see like a movie like that back then, like, I'm going to get you suck in a regular black movie theater was the black Rocky horror. Right. Right. Because everybody's going to participate and enjoy the movie. But that shit was funny as shit. You almost need to watch. You watch it with the camera on the crowd watching the movie like like Mr. Science Theater.

Like like in a in a in a Harlem movie theater watching friday night yeah is it friday night or friday friday friday friday yeah what you might call it uh like i always like because i'm in the business and i want to see like the impact of something you know so whether the movie is good or bad yeah like i'm always like looking at the audience know, so whether the movie's good or bad, like I'm always like looking at the audience while I'm watching the movie, you know, like there's some movies where people stay after for the credits and they're not like, like people do that for Marvel movies, but when it's not a Marvel movie and people doing that, that's when you know that shit hit.

Right. They don't want to leave. They don't want to leave. They don't want this experience to be over. I remember, I hate musicals, but I remember seeing Chicago in a movie theater. And people acted like

it was a live play. That's how hard that shit slapped. People were like, some of the songs got a standing O. Like, we're in the middle of the movie. This shit ain't over. It's not the end. And I'm like,

damn, there's musicals can, I've only seen a musical do that. So I got to respect musicals. I remember that. I think, uh, BB Newworth was in that. Um,

I mean, look, musicals are very powerful, you know, like, um, there's a maestro is out right now. And,

um, as Burns, Bernstein, Leonard Bernstein. I saw that. Not in the movie theater, but at the crib. I thought it was fucking horrible. You thought it was horrible? Well, here's what got me. Full disclosure, I watched 15 minutes and then I walked out of the room.

My wife and her brother were watching. I don't like somebody smoking every frame of the movie. Just constant. And it's like an extreme closeup. So it's dangling from his mouth. He's exhaling through his nose and his mouth. It's just, it was too much. Don't smoke that. I get it. You smoke. And then also I didn't like the, yeah, see, we're going to make a musical. That was the time though. That's how they spoke. Did they?

Yeah. Yeah. Do you think they really did? What was it? The fifties or the sixties? No, I think it was like the forties. Yeah. So from my historical recollection of living color sketches, there was a white woman on

living color and she used to do, talking that voice when she did sketches from that time from black and white yeah but i i didn't i'm not crazy about it either i'm not mad at it yeah either i felt like i didn't know he was like that if you watch the whole movie you'll see like oh this i had no idea but i don't think they were they stressed the complications in the movie there was no like traditional act one act two, act three

where you gotta it starts and you get this problem you have to solve this problem so I kind of did like and was surprised that they didn't like try to like create some type of a like a structure, a typical structure with some type of thing that he kind of had to overcome. Right. Like all the difficulties.

Yeah, there were some, but they were like the smooth like butter on bread like yeah my wife said that her issue is they tried to and biopics always get in trouble with trying to cover too much they got to cover every aspect instead of a good biopic picks one moment and they explore that and you get to know the person's life through that rather than trying to do their child in their fucking you know and he had such a full life. I think they wanted to get to it all. But yeah, then the structure goes out the window.

Yeah, it made me feel like he was more of a regular person than I would have thought he was not that I even thought about him. You didn't think about Leonard Bernstein a lot in your life? For some reason. it's crazy no it's like chris katan like he's around but i just don't think about him enough damn um it's so funny somebody put out a list of all the comedians that are touring right now. It's fucking crazy. I'm talking about big comics.

Damn. Mulaney selling out arenas and Kreischer and Segura and Rogan and even like Pete Holmes. Like Pete's out playing big places now. You want me to tell you something funny? What? So I spoke to you yesterday. Yeah. I was at the Starbucks spoke to you yesterday. Yeah. I was at the Starbucks on Hillhurst.

Yeah. I leave there, went to Lawson's and I'm in there online and I run into Pete Holmes. No shit. Yeah. And we start laughing. Yeah. And then,

uh, which is a, it's all coincidence because I wrote on crashing. You wrote on crashing. Yeah. But the significance of Lawson's with me writing on crashing is I, I don't know if I've told you this, but it was around Oscar time. So it was around the same time as when I got the job as this year as now. I was in Lawson's.

I was going to watch the one in Los one in los felix is it a restaurant no i saw a supermarket oh okay so it's a supermarket yeah and uh i was in there i was going to make popcorn and have some friends come over and check out some screeners just a few years ago before the job on crashing so i'm looking for salt and i bump into pete holmes right we start joking around and uh after we joke around i go home uh make the popcorn everybody turns off their phones we watch moonlight right i think that's the movie we watched. And then everybody left, turned my phone back on, and I get a call from my manager saying, Judd wants to know if I'm available to write on Crash. Get out of here.

Really? Yeah. So yesterday when I ran into Pete there, he was laughing. This is how you got the job on Crash. That's hilarious. Yeah, yeah. Wow. He didn't have a new job on crash. It's hilarious. Wow. He didn't have a new job for you this time?

No, no. I was disappointed. Yeah. Yeah. He's torn. Selfish. Yeah. I know.

I know. I was supposed to do a podcast with him last week and he just postponed. I think he's, he's shooting something. He's going to Canada or something for a few months. You tell me anything about that? No, but he's always doing something. He just, he did a sitcom, like. A bowling one. A bowling one. Yeah. Yeah. I think it was like a few months. You think about that now? But he's always doing something. He just he did a sitcom like a bowling, bowling. Yeah, yeah.

I think he was like a right now. It was a network show. Yeah. Yeah. And then you know how I got the crashing job. I was at this I was at the store one night and Judd was watching me. He was on before me and then he sat around and watched me and then we walked outside and he goes, Hey, you wouldn't be interested in writing on Pete Holmes show crashing. And I i was like because i i was there i got there the second and third seasons and i was like uh i think i got there when you got there i got there

the second season okay i thought you was here this first season all right and i was like uh i was like yeah and i started started like a week later yeah that's the thing about stand-up i always feel bad for young writers that are like hey hey, how do I get a writing job? Do I write a spec script? And I was like, nah, I just do stand-up for like 20 years, and then it'll just come to you. Yeah. That's why I never, there was a time when I would have stopped doing stand-up. Yeah.

Because I was getting, I just came out, I was getting writing jobs, and you're just tired of doing stand-up a little bit. Yeah. But I was like, that just came out here, I was getting writing jobs and you're just tired of doing standup a little bit. Yeah. But I was like, that's how I got writing jobs. Every writing job I've ever gotten was through standup. Right. I shouldn't say every, but I mean, I never wrote a spec script. Never?

I don't think so. No shit. No. I did. Like I got, uh, the boondocks from standup. Like Aaron Magruder saw me in the club, like whatever, Sunday night at the laugh factory or something.

And, you know, when he got the show going, hit me up. Nice. Carl Jones, the head writer on that. Yeah.

Carl was like an artist on that at first. No shit. And then he stuck around and then moved up. I think that was his first job. Damn. Yeah, but he was just always in it. You know what I mean? He's a funny dude.

Yeah, funny dude. Even the way he told me he got the job with Aaron Magruder, him and his wife were in town visiting. They were on Melrose. He saw Aaron Magruder and like him and his wife were in town visiting. They were on Melrose. He saw Aaron Magruder and his order admired his work, and his wife was like, you should say something to him, and he did. And Aaron hit him up. That's amazing.

That's pretty crazy, yeah. No, it is hard when I say, because I try to help young people. I'm always trying to mentor people. I try to bring people on the road with me. I try to give people spots in town. And I just say to them, just fucking want it. people i try to bring people on the road with me i try to get people spots in town and um and i just say to them just fucking want it if you want to succeed just want it you know don't don't think about it don't don't analyze it don't wonder if it's going to work just like be so excited about

it that you go up to someone on melrose or you do or you love comedy so you do stand-up or sketch you write just put stuff out just like you know like what you do there's fucking hilarious videos that you do with what's the guy's name yeah yeah like just do shit don't sit around wondering about it just do shit yeah yeah even uh like Will Smith has this story about his first wife. They were married. He'd blown all the money from like his albums. Really? Yeah, he was broke.

He made a lot of money. Yeah, but he forgot about taxes. Yeah. Yeah. So then he was like home and his wife was like, you got to go do something. He's like, what? What, what I got to do? Where, where should I go? And say, just go.

He had already done Fresh Prince at this point. No, this was before the Fresh Prince. So she told him to go hang out. She's like, where are people at? Yeah. Hanging out like in the industry. And it's like, there's always our senior hall show was on at that time. So she's like, just go over there and hang out and see what happened

then he ran into like his manager there i think what's the name of that guy he he he managed a lot of people oh i introduced him to quincy jones and quincy jones gave him the show yeah and then yeah it's just like he just went where it was at damn you know what i mean yeah Yeah, it's just like he just went where it was at. Damn. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, you see that at the store. There's a lot of comics hanging out at the store.

Right. Which is cool, but the barrier doesn't seem to get, isn't there with them as much. Like when I was hanging out, because I hung out, you know, when I was, I started in Boston. And then when I came, I used to go down to New York for like two or three years. I split my week from New York and I'd make I started in Boston. And then when I came, I used to go down to New York for like two or three years. I split my week from New York and buy, make my money in Boston. And then I'd like Sunday through Wednesday, I would hang around the cellar and the strip and just get ignored by the bookers. But just fucking show up, hang out. But I never, I wouldn't walk up to fucking Louis Black and be like, hey man, I bet you do.

Like now people just come right up to you. And that's not helping your career. I think it does help some people like we're not that type. Like we waited till they spoke to us. Yeah. But I've seen people just. I think comedy is like that thing that like like you said, you don't know how to tell somebody who's not a comic how to get a writing job. I wouldn't either, but it's easy if you're a comic or in the vicinity, because now once you're a comic, even comics who are successful, see you as like a part of the family.

Yeah. Because you're going, you've gone through or are going through some of the things that they've gone through. Right. So then they, they kind of accept your comics are open and they're also against you and open to you at the same time. Right. So it's like, you see, like you could see some of yourself or they see some of themselves

sometimes in somebody young, they're starting out and then they'll start talking to talking to them listen to their story whether you're a door guy you're just an open mic yeah and at least like i don't know how if you're an actor just starting out how you meet bigger actors that can help you right but if you're a comic you can meet bigger comics who might like you know what let me let this person open for me once or twice or have them on my podcast like like there's i don't know how actors do that but i know how comedy can like you could be at the entry level but know somebody at the top right you know what i what I mean? And they know your name. Right. If you're an extra on a Will Smith movie, you're not talking to Will.

You'll be fired if you try to talk to Will Smith on a movie. Right, exactly. And the big people are surrounded by people that protect them. They make a perimeter. But except at the store. Yeah. Like nobody's coming there with their bodyguard. Nobody's like, and you're a comic, you can say hi.

They can say hi back. Yeah. And you know, if you're a comic, you can say hi, they can say hi back. Yeah. And, you know, if you work a lot, you're parking somebody's car, but you're a comic, so you're interacting with them. You do that a bunch of times.

Yeah. You become familiar. Yeah. Or you work at the door. Mm-hmm. Or it's just, you know. Because really, the thing,

like, the first step is trying to get stage time. Any shit stage time you can get, which is just really hustling and really putting yourself out there. But that only takes you so far. And the next level is exactly that. Somebody's got to give you a break. Someone's got to take you on the road because you're only going to get good when you start going on the road and doing five shows in a weekend where you get to do 15, 20 minutes in a row and get to know the room. And, you know, and then from there, you know, anything can happen at that point.

You know, I mean, you look at Jet Ski Johnson. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like she's working at the store. She's a door woman. And then she gets familiar with Bobby and Santino because they're there. Now she's on their podcast. And like she has a name now you know she's headlining clubs on her own yeah headlining clubs on her own and it's just like

comedy does that for people yeah you know and people comedy audiences are looking for the new what's next who's right it's just like you know I think I'm next I think I'm next I think every comedian if you don't believe that you're next, even if you've been around, then you're then you should you should stop doing stand up. You have to believe that around the corner there's some pop that's coming for you. comic. I don't think I have. I haven't. But also that keeps me as funny as I want to be. Helps me heading in the direction of trying to be funnier. Right. Like I worry about making it and people thinking I'm funny and then not knowing if I'm funny or not because they might be laughing because they're just excited that I'm there. Yeah. To perform.

Right, right. And I'm just getting laughs based on the momentum of who I've built myself up to be. Right, right. And comedy is so hard. You want a joke to be funny. Uh-huh. And sometimes you have to work to make a joke funny. Who wants to keep doing that work?

You know what I mean? So I worry about like, when I get there, will I still be funny? So I'm, I'm kind of half happy that I'm not where I want to be like commit comedy status wise. Yeah. Cause I think maybe the most important to me is like being funny.

Yeah. And I don't know if everybody can tell if their levels of funny is dropping off or not i might i might not be able to be able to tell so i'm afraid of actually in a sense getting there but it'll be great if i got there and i still was like hard on myself in a way that was helpful to keep the funny. Yeah. I'm always impressed with people like Bill Burr who just still grinds. He's always got new shit. Like I saw him the other night and I was like, what the fuck are you so happy?

It was like, oh man, I got these three new bits that fucking pop tonight. And like, that's it. It's the only way to cheat on your wife. It is. That's right.

It's the only way you can legally cheat on your wife. Like, like the only thing that's made me happier than money or just anything like you could be having the worst day. If you have a new joke that works, that pops and give you some hope. Yeah. Like nobody can take that away from you.

Right. You know, audience laugh at a new thought you have, you still got it. Yeah. And it's just, it's just something that's not tangible that the rest of the world doesn't have that we as comics we got that yeah it's a confirmation

that what like because if you're doing the same because you know i've gotten to rots where i don't have much new stuff for a while and i can be on the road and i'm doing my set and i just and i'm just in the middle of it going man man, you're fucking mailing it in. And I start to wonder if I'm even funny. And then you do that new bit and you go, oh yeah, like you said, yeah, I am funny. Like, and I think you're right about being hungry when you're still hungry for it. Then like my new year's resolution is to write for an hour a day, every day, write, stand up for an hour, because you know, that's not a lot of time. If you think about it one hour out of your day, but you know what that hour because, you know, that's not a lot of time if you think about it. One hour out of your day. But you know what that hour means.

Yeah. You know, you might go through your notes and see a bit that you had done two years ago that you forgot about. And it didn't it did. You didn't crack it the first time. You didn't figure it out. But you still got that premise. Right. And now you look at it again and you go, oh, no, here's the way it should go.

Right. Or you didn't know you cracked it. You thought you didn't. You look at it again with fresh eyes and you're like, wait a minute, this is good enough. You know what I mean? Yeah. Right. Excuse me. But yeah, like writing an hour a day is actually enough. It feels like it's not enough time, but I always felt like if you had one new tag a day. Yeah. felt like if you had one new tag a day or one new joke a day, it's 365 days in a year. That's 365 minutes of new funny shit. That's achievable. One minute a week is a new hour special in a year. That's 52 minutes.

That's 52 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. And when you you know, when you come up with a new bit, that's really got some meat on it, that can be five minutes right there. And you can come up with that. And that, those are the kinds of bits that usually happen. I kind of had this epiphany about writing recently, which is I can only draw the lines when I sit down and write in my, in my house or my office. I just, I can, I can do the outline, but I got to color it in on stage. And that's when you realize how many beats there are to it. Because you get that first hit and they like it and you're like, all right, I got them on the hook. Now, how much can I push myself and how much you get greedy for that laugh.

Now, how much can I push myself and how much you get greedy for that laugh? Right. And so in that moment, all your creativity is just flooding your brain because you you're you're fucking, you know, you're so hungry to get get more out of this bit. Right. That's why I tape every set. You never know when that's going to happen. And I listen to him, too, like on the way, at least on the way to the show. Like I haven't been writing like you, like an hour a day, but I think now that I started this job, when I start on Monday, the job, I wasn't going to take the job because they

want you to come in and we've been doing on zoom. So are you serious? Yeah, man. I turned down a job that wasn't on zoom before this. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Damn. I turned it down. they wanted this to come in and i was like why can't we just do it on zoom and i was like using the pandemic and covid to my advantage yeah well nobody took covid more seriously than you did you were wearing the mask when everybody else stopped yeah i mean I mean, but, but I wasn't even worried about COVID then, you know what I mean? I was just used as an excuse to get out of it with my agents and with the person who interviewed me for the job. Yeah. I was like, I'm not going in another room. Like we could just do it easily at home, avoid traffic.

And so then this one, the first season I did was on Zoom. So I took the job and now they want to meet. And I was like, and you know, the EP lives on the West side. So, you know, it's just like in my head, I'm like an hour there in the morning and an hour back plus from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. How am I going to do stand up? Add those two hours onto that. That's like, yeah, that's like I'm going to. But I. Oh, the jobs on the west side. Well, that's what I thought. Oh, because that's where the EP lives. Yeah. And normally the room that you write in is where the EP lives. But luckily, so I had to meditate on that shit. Yeah. And I took the job. I was like, it's from January to May. After that,

you can do stand-up for the rest of the year. Get your health insurance. Get the health insurance and, you know, take care of yourself financially. Yeah. I was like, all right.

You know, because the plan was to like put out a special and, you know, like, and pursue the stand-up. But then luckily, the room ended up

being near my crib. Nice. So those two hours that I was worried about. So now I can, the point is now I can get up early enough to write for an hour because you just inspired me to do that before I go to work, get to work early and do it there and then walk into the office. But don't you miss being around people?

I love, I love- I saw him on Zoom. We joked and we had fun on Zoom. Yeah, but it's not the same. Nothing is the same. I don't have, you don't have to be. Like it's modern technology. Let's grow up.

Nothing stays the same. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Look, what about all the fun you had with people you started comedy with? You know what I mean? And then you got married and had a family. You don't look at those people no more. You got a new set of people. Shit

changes. That's a good way to look at it. Yeah. I was going to say, one of the things that really helps me writing an hour a day is this thing called the Pomodoro Technique. Have you ever heard of that? Yeah. I met this Gen Z person and we used to write, we just became friends at Starbucks and she would do that. And she's like, like 25 minutes. It's 25 minutes. And then you

don't answer your phone. You don't look at your text. You don't do anything except the task at hand, whether it's writing or reading or whatever it is that you're doing. And I have an app on my phone. It's a Pomodoro app. And after 25 minutes, it buzzes. And then you hit the button and you get five minutes to clean your desk, to deal with emails that came in or go fucking take a walk go eat go eat a snack whatever and then it rings and you do another 25 so i do two two pomodoro 25 minutes and it's like there's something that's so restive about being singularly focused as as opposed to the way our brains now are like constantly barraged with distraction.

You know, you're expected like when you showed up here today, like you texted me and my phone was off and you were like, what the fuck, man? You know? And it's like, you're expected within a second to be available,

even though you might be engrossed in something creative or even a conversation with somebody that they're opening up to you about something. And all of a sudden your phone's fucking ringing and you get, even if you don't answer it, you're still, you're thinking about it now, you know? And, uh, so there's something about turning off your phone and doing the Pomodoro. That's like, I'm not tired after it. Like I am usually. I feel like that would have helped me like earlier on. Yeah. But when I go to a coffee shop now, I'm there to like get some work done. Yeah. And I think after the pandemic, I've matured. It's not like I've been this way a long time since 2020, where I just go to the coffee shop and I just do whatever I got to do.

And I like the distractions that make it feel like I'm not working, but I do get work done. I like to look up at people, observe, you know, you know how people are dressed. Somebody got a nice ass, you know, even if a guy's dressed as some good, great sneakers. And I say that to them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. And then I'll just go back to work. Sometimes I'll even stray on the internet, but I'll come back. Yeah. Sometimes, you know, but I'm there to, like, get some shit done. Right.

You know what I mean? That's the way of getting out of your house. And it's like a signal to you that now you're focused on work. Yeah, it's called the office. Right. It's literally called the Starbucks. Like, my friends would hit me up. You at the office? I said, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then we could hear it in the background. No, It's literally called the Starbucks. Like my, my friends would hit me up. You're at the office.

I said, yeah, we could hear it in the background. You know, I talked to you on the phone yesterday. I thought you were at the mall. I was at the office. I was editing the clip that I put out.

Yeah. That's always weird though. And when you're editing in a public place and people are like, look at this guy looking at himself. Yeah. Computer, you know, I'm like,

well, are you looking at my computer for you? Nosy motherfucker. I'm your fucking business. I are you looking at my computer for you nosy motherfucker mind your fucking business I wasn't looking at your shit yeah well I lost

my all you've been in my office a few times I think doing the podcast and uh that was my during

I had it for 13 years damn but sorry to hear that fam it's gotta be you know.

Dude, it's fucking me up because I used to, because I left my work at the office. Like I, when I was home, I was with my family. I was chilling with my wife, throwing a move on her, getting shut down, watching some TV. Getting shut down. And then I go to my office and it was like I had my coffee maker, my mini fridge. You ever pay your wife to have sex? I ever pay her? No, but I have exchanged blowjobs for tasks.

For tasks. That's a form of payment. Yeah. You could also pay her by. Would pay her for sex. With no sex. I'll do you a favor and not hit on you. Yeah, I won't hit on you for this amount of time if you hook me up now.

You can negotiate the term. Right, right, right. If I can buy a Mustang, you'd be in the sexual bubble for three months. Yeah, yeah, right. If I can buy a Mustang, you'd be in the sexual bubble for three months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, there's also paying up front. There's paying up front for sex, which is you bring a gift or you do something without being asked. Oh, that's hilarious.

And then you throw the move. Right. And the other one is when she says, if you, then I. Right. if you then I right but you know I was thinking there's also like blowjobs just don't happen in a marriage the way they do when you're single right because when you're single you're still auditioning for the part yeah exactly and then once you're married it's like a blowjob what do you mean like like I'm not involved like I'm justicing you. Like we don't have time for that shit. We got to both.

We got to both be doing unless you have like, yeah, if you have a list, there's blow job worthy tasks. Right. What's a blow job worthy task? Cleaning clutter. Like, you know, we got a back house and and this shit back there that's piled up. We got two crates like giant tubs filled with pictures, and they need to be put weeded out and put into photo albums. Oh, you're a sex slave. Yes. She keeps me in a closet. Yeah.

She keeps me in a closet. Yeah. You have to work for sex. But we all are. That's how it ends up. Right. Right. It's an exchange. It's always an exchange. This guy that featured for me this past weekend. I bring him on the road with me a lot. I'll tell you his name when we're off the air. And this guy is a player. Like he gets on Tinder every city we get to and he's got different women coming to every show and so uh he brings it he brings a date to this uh to this show and uh and we get off i get off the elevator on my floor and i go that's my room right there. And I go, oh, that's weird. We're one floor above you. Same room. 20 minutes later. And I'm like, oh, fuck, man. They're going 40 minutes later. And not not creak, creak, like creak, creak, creak, like going.

going. If he was a real comic, he would have been fucking with you. He would have been like, let's both. No, he's a comic because the first thing he said when we got in the green room with the girl there was, we didn't bother you today, did we? And I just started laughing. I was like, dude, what? I would have been like, I didn't hear nothing. Yeah. What would you say?

I didn't hear nothing. I was like, are you rubbing it in my face? Because that's not married sex. That 40-minute friend. And it kept going all weekend. We may never see each other again. We just met, and we may never see each other again. So let's get as much of this in.

Because you live somewhere. I live somewhere. Fuck it. Let's go for it. And it's also younger sex. Like my number, I remember with my wife when we first started, you know, we were both 29 and 50 minutes was my number. 50 minutes. I'd look at the digital clock.

I wasn't, I didn't plan it. That's so funny. Yeah. You didn't plan it, but we've looked at the clock. We've all looked at the clock. Yeah. How much further can I take this further? Can I break my record? Yeah. Yeah. Can I go, how much further can I take this further? Can I break my record?

Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, 50 minutes was standard. That was just like, yeah. You know, working through the different,

you know, like what do they call it with a quarterback when he's looking for the different options, the audible progression, progression, progression. As you look at the wide receiver first, then you look at the tight end,

then you, uh, and so I'd go through the progression, you know, the tight end then you uh and so i go through the progression you know work all the moves and dean ray has a funny joke about like new couples don't fuck too much don't use up all your fucks yeah because then you'll be bored later on right and i've done that i i i recognized i related to that as soon as he said it and i said why didn't i think of that as you'll be bored later on. Right. And I've done that. I, I, I recognized, I related to that as soon as he said it. And I was like,

why didn't I think of that as a joke? Yeah. I was like, yeah, man, don't, don't give up all your fucks. Like don't fuck so much that you're not,

you know, that either, either both of you or one of you. Like, yeah, we did it all. Yeah. Save some of those fucks.

Right. Save anal. I'm saving anal for like our 50th anniversary. And then I'll be like, I'll be back there and I'll do it. She'll be like, finally. Then you'll finally be married. Right now your wife is single, bro. You haven't done it yet.

She's a virgin. She's a virgin, bro. You haven't done it. She's a virgin. She's a virgin, bro. Yeah, it is transactional. Sex is transactional. Yeah, because even relationship is a game or it's still dating. Yeah. It's just a different stage of it. Right.

Of dating. it's still dating. Yeah. It's just a different stage of it. Right. Of dating. Like, uh,

you, you have to like, I like your relationship. I love it. Like, it's like, and even in the writer's room and crashing the way you talk about your wife and your kids, like, it's like one of the dream relationships.

Yeah. Thanks man. It's nice to hear. No, but it's, it's real talk. Like, and, uh, like it's real talk. Like,

and, uh, like it's just like, you should write a book on it. Yeah. Cause it's, it's the way to conduct a relationship. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. I got lucky. I really did. Like I, I found a woman who I think with standups, it's hard because maybe you experienced this where you date somebody I think with standups, it's hard because maybe you experience this where you date somebody and they meet you in a comedy club. This is what I do. Right. I go away on the weekend, every other weekend or so. And all of a sudden you're dating for six months and they're like, you're going away again? It's like, no, you can't ever say that.

Right. And I sort of found somebody who just from the beginning understood. She met you as a stripper and she knows you're a stripper. She never told you to stop stripping. Yeah. Why do you have glitter on? Because you as a stripper and she knows you're a stripper and she never told you to stop stripping. Why do you have glitter on? Because I'm a stripper. I think it's very hard to find somebody like that. Have you ever found somebody that was cool with it?

With you doing stand-up? Probably, but I'm such a single guy. Last night, I stayed home and watched eight episodes of a show. Yeah. And I could have hung out with somebody. I had to do it because it was work.

It's the show I'm going back to. Oh, okay. But I didn't know what she was doing. I could have valued her over, but I just was like, why am I so content? You know? So I don't know. It's just, that's just me. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Right. But like, I feel like I didn't mess up every relationship that I was in, but I probably didn't mind it ending. Yeah. You know? Right. It's just who I am. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It seems like you treat women with respect and so they don't go away. It seems like you're friends with women that you date. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then, uh, but then you've never, you never been married. Have you ever lived with somebody? live with somebody nah yeah i've had like girlfriends that came over a lot yeah and we hung out like days in a row and shit like that but there was never a tooth there was never a toothbrush in the bathroom they might have had that yeah yeah yeah the toothbrush the toothbrush that's a big sign yeah i remember those days with my wife the toothbrush and a couple pairs of panties you know and it's kind of nice because you're playing house a little bit yeah yeah it's practice yeah yeah yeah i had a i lived with one other person and i remember my mother was so upset because i grew up so catholic right and my mother was so upset that we were living together and she's and she didn't like this girl but even

though she didn't like her she goes well are you gonna marry her and i was like you don't want me to marry her you just don't want me to be living with somebody because you got to tell your sisters and brothers who are more catholic than you are you know that's pretty funny yeah that was crazy yeah and thank god i didn't marry her that was uh that was a weird loaded relationship right and uh i never thought i was gonna get married i really no way i never thought i'd get married but i wanted kids and so i didn't know how that was gonna work hilarious yeah i really um i saw marriage as this thing where first of all i didn't think i'd be able to not cheat, you know, because I'm I. That's what I'm worried about. Yeah. And, you know, but then I quit drinking

and I realized that was a big part of it. I was I would cheat when I was drunk. Oh, I don't drink. I still think I cheat. What do I have to quit cheating besides cheating to help me stop cheating? Not that I cheat, but I just don't commit. So I don't cheat. No, but I realize I just don't commit, so I don't cheat. Right, right, right.

No, but I realized when I quit drinking, I haven't drank in, it was two days ago, it was 34 years since I had a drink. I quit in 1990 on New Year's Day. Damn. And so I realized I had to- You're not even Irish anymore. I'm not. I know. Believe me, my relatives look down on me. They're like, what the fuck?

You didn't drink as much as I do. And I'm like, me, my relatives look down on me. They're like, what the fuck? You didn't drink as much as I do. And I'm like, yeah, well, you should quit too. But I realized that if I could quit drinking and not cheat, that I had the discipline to do it. So we dated for three years, and I didn't cheat. And meanwhile, I was hosting a game show on MTV. Like, I'd go do college college shows and kids would fucking go crazy and i had all these opportunities and i just and i realized if i could get through that oh shit

and so uh yeah so i that's i think that was the main thing that was making me not want to get married um yeah so i would probably that's the i think that's my main thing you know what i mean yeah yeah your parents split up when you were young? No. Together still? I mean, my dad's dead. So they're not together anymore? They're not together anymore. He got out of it. She's like, you really can't commit. I mean, this is going a long way to not committing. How long did he die?

can't commit. I mean, this is going a long way to not committing. How long did he die? I feel like I lost, like, I don't like remember the day and go back and make Facebook or whatever post. Got to be over, like, it's definitely over nine years easily. Maybe 20 shit. Who knows? It's in the past, Greg. It happened. You know what I mean? You live in the past, Greg. It happened. You know what I mean? You live in the moment, man. It's beautiful. You live in the moment. Yeah, I'm here.

Never look back. Yeah, yeah. I don't even have a dad here. Were you close to your dad? Yeah, we got close after I left. I don't know if I told you this, but my mother used to get the New Yorker. She used to work for these rich people, so she'd bring home the New Yorker. And I was living in LA at the time, but I'd go back to Long Island to visit.

And then one of the New Yorkers, you ever have a tough time talking to your dad, having a conversation? Of course. We weren't like affectionate. We weren't mean or anything. We hung, be in the same space but not really talk yeah he did like the knicks and we both would talk about that but then what else do you talk to because back then adults were adults and yeah and kids were kids it's not like now where people are more friendly with their you know their parents you know yeah so you know this is the person that used to whoop your ass.

Right. So we're going to talk about. So in this New Yorker article, this guy that wrote the article, he had a tough time coming up with conversations with his grandfather. And he's like, what do I talk to this person about? There's this generation gap in there and we're different, but I'm supposed to be able to communicate with him. But then he realized the grandfather was a connection to his grandfather's

father and his grandfather's grandfather and like the connection to the story of his family's life. Right. So then he would just ask his grandfather about his life and growing up in the past and learn all these things. So then after I read that article, then I would just ask my father about like growing up in Jamaica, you know, in the sixties, fifties, forties, whatever, and just life and you know, his brothers and he just tell me everything. Wow.

So then we just kicked it like that. That's nice. Yeah. Wow. And how old were you at that point? Shit. Like 30 something. Do you remember all that stuff?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Even my email addresses. My father used to have a sound system with his brother. And they used to call it waddle sound. Uh-huh. So that's my, and that's the name of the set. They used to go out and play, like basically DJ.

Yeah. You know, and that's my email. Wow, you're going to get a lot of emails from my fans now. Yeah, yeah. They just got to figure out if it's Gmail. They'll never guess out mail. You're the kind of guy that's still on hotmail or AOL. AOL baby.

Yeah. For life. So what was life like for him in Jamaica? It's just like, like I found out, like like the order of like him meeting my mom. They knew each other in Jamaica, but then he moved to England independently and he met her there and they got into a relationship. You mean they knew each other in Jamaica, but then they, they both separately went to England. Right. And then reunited there.

Right. Oh, wow. there right oh wow like finding out the order of that stuff and just like like he went away to school to learn like you know electronics and stuff like they went to a boarding school and they had to pay and just working and jamaica had no electricity back then like not everywhere yeah so just like that type of a lifestyle and so he went to a boarding school in jamaica it wasn't really a board school like a trade like a trade school, but it wasn't one close to him. So he had to go to that. And I think my father's brother went to that too.

So then he, you know, and just like how spread out everything was. Right. You know, it's not as like, what's the word, fluent as it is now. Yeah. Or easy. Like you can't zoom. You know what I mean? Youent as it is now. Yeah. Or easy. Like, you can't zoom. You know what I mean? You got to go somewhere to somewhere else to learn something or do something and then come back months later.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Right. You know, learn about that life. And there was no fucking highways back then. It was all just like roads. It's just a one-way street that both cars drove on both ways i was in ireland this summer it's still like that it's like you know they just put highways

into ireland in the last like 10 years these just people fucking roads yeah so and then what was your mother's background she she wasn't as open as she's like are you asking me all these questions for? She acted like I was wearing a wire. She's batting me down. But my dad was more open to her. So then I didn't ask her, but we just talk about regular stuff. We'll find something. Yeah. Me and my mom, my dad died like 30 years ago and we never talked about it. I know. I'll tell you the date too damn can i tell you june 3rd 1993 yes it was 30 years this year we never talked about his death he had

a sudden heart attack they were out to dinner he was 53 years old and uh she was there she watched it happen and she waited for the ambulance and the whole thing. And it was very traumatic for her, obviously. She was very in love with him. They had kind of a beautiful marriage. And we never talked about the real feelings about what happened that night. And then on the 30th anniversary, I went down and visited her a couple months before the 30th anniversary. And we watched an episode.

Do you watch Succession? No, I'm supposed to. I will, though. Well, there's a scene where, I won't spoil it for you, but there's a scene where somebody dies. And it was very similar to the circumstances of my father. And we both started crying. I mean, I was crying hard.

It was so exact. And it opened us both up and we talked for two hours about the details of that night. And it was like, I mean, we needed that TV show to happen to open us up. Right. And it's just fate that it happened at that time. Old school. It's fate that it happened at that time. Old school. It's fate that it happened at that time

or it didn't happen. It's fucked up fate that it didn't happen sooner on a show that you both was watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty, that's pretty touching.

I was going to say something related to that, but I can't remember what it is. Well, it's, it is weird because when somebody dies, there's so much,

you protect yourself so much that you shut down your feelings and your thoughts and you don't communicate. I do that when people are alive. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You just try to get past shit. Yeah.

You know? And it is amazing when you see like men especially. I don't know why men shut down more than women. Because we're kind of raised that way. Yeah. You see it in movies, like the way you're supposed to be as a man. Right. Like I hear a lot of women, a lot of feminists saying, women are told this and women are told that.

And that's like, hey, I hear you. You were told that, but we were told shit too. That ain't healthy for us either. It's not like this one way street of just the world, just telling women the wrong thing. Everybody's being told the wrong thing. And we're all being like programmed to be a certain way. That's probably not as healthy. It feels like almost like there's this race to be the most downtrodden and to be the victim. Yeah. And it's like, Hey, man, like,

you know, shit, shit happens to everybody like. Yeah, we we hold our emotions in. And even if we open up, we might get shit on for that. Yeah, right. Right. And I think that I guess biologically, you know, men had to be tougher because they were warriors or they were hunters. But that shit's over. Like there's no biological need for us to be as shut down as we are.

But it just continues on because your parents teach. I mean, my father definitely taught me to be tough and not you know did you get along with him did y'all kick it we were close yeah but he also like your dad like he used to beat the shit out of it too which was very weird to be close to somebody and trust somebody and then all sudden there they are trying to physically hurt you but he beat me because I did something wrong I thought I did something wrong. I thought I did something wrong, which I felt like I never felt like it was abuse or maybe that's wrong, but it made me like no wrong from

right. Like if I'm not getting hit for doing something right, then I'll just do something right. It's not like, yeah, I did feel like I was like, damn, damn, at one point, when are these beatings going to stop? Yeah. And then it did just stop. Uh-huh. But, you know,

it's like, you're a kid, you're going to fuck up. You know what I mean? Right. But, they're also doing it to protect themselves

from you doing anything wrong on the outside. Uh-huh. Beyond their control. Right. And then somebody doing this to you in a worse way. Right.

And they have to hear this news of like a lot of things parents do is for themselves. Like your mom saying, are you going to marry this girl? Which you know you shouldn't marry. And she knows you shouldn't marry, but of how it looks. Right. To the people. To her. You know how she looks, you know what I mean? So a lot of parents are concerned subconsciously about like themselves.

Like they want their, they want you to be safe so that they can feel safe, that you're safe, you know what I mean? Yeah. The family protects itself and its members. It's like, you're, that's your,'re a team, and you're supposed to be watching out for each other. But I don't know. I'm not with you on that. I think that there's other ways of changing behavior in a kid than beating them.

Yeah, probably. But how did you raise your kids? That's what I'm saying. You should write a book on this shit, man. Yeah, I think my wife really took the lead. We had we got very lucky We went to a preschool where they were very into Letting kids make choices for themselves And not say like the school had different stations they had the art station and they had the play station and they had the

different stations. They had the art station and they had the play station and they had the playground area and the kids in the morning signed up for what they wanted to do in the first half of the day and the second half of the day. We're constantly giving them agency to make choices for themselves. And it kind of set the tone for letting them guide themselves and hearing their emotions and not over praising. Over praising is fucking horrible for kids. Yeah, it is. Johnny, you're so good. Like, you know, sports games where all the parents are fucking over cheering on the side.

It's like, let your kid score a goal and feel good about it himself. Don't put it in his ear. That he needs your approval. Right, right. Or she. So I think we avoided a lot of that and let them guide themselves. And I think they've become independent people because of that.

But I think at the times that I wanted to hit them, sometimes I had to step away because it was, I was built to hit. Right. You know what I mean? You was built to beat ass. Yeah, right Yeah, and you know and I've been in a lot of fights in my life I go to that place and so I With my kids is there was not a lot but there was two or three times where I had to leave the room

And we're saying a lot now now but No, I think when they, when they got in trouble, it was really about having a conversation about it. Once it calmed down and consequences, consistent consequences. What was the consequence in your crib? You know, like they couldn't, they couldn't watch TV or, you know, sometimes we'd, we'd like, you know, they had friends in the neighborhood and they wouldn't be able to hang out with the friends for a little while, but it wasn't as much negative. We weren't big believers in,

in hard consequences. It was more of having a conversation about it. And maybe the conversation was a consequence. Like, damn, I got to go talk to my daughter. Oh, for my,

for my daughter, it definitely was. Right. She actually told us that it really fucked her up when we would say, Jojo, come into the living room. She said that that was the worst feeling in the world and she wanted to avoid it. Try her grandfather's belt. Yeah, right, right.

But yeah, I think kids know. They know right from wrong for the most part. I think we sell them short a lot. Yeah, yeah. But they know more than we... I remember I was in England just a while ago and I ran into this girl in town.

I knew her from before. We never hooked up, but she invited me over that night. So I went over there. She had a son. And the kid couldn't read or write. He could talk a little bit, but he would not go to bed that night yeah because he did not want something to happen between me and his mom oh no shit yeah like

sexually uh-huh but a kid that doesn't know that much he was how old like that like seven maybe maybe four or five okay yeah but he's like he's damn he's he's like you ain't my mom he could tell how you were looking at her yeah he could he's like i don't know what sex is but y'all ain't having it not tonight i'm up all night she kept having to leave to go into his room and attend to him that's's hilarious. So it's like kids know shit. Yeah. Without knowing. Right. Right.

Yeah. Kids know a lot. And, um, and also it was about positive reinforcement instead of negative. Like when they did something right, not praising them, but, but,

uh, mirroring it and saying, you built that. Right. You, do you build that by yourself? How does that make you feel? Feel good. Right. Let them know about their own? How does that make you feel? Feel good.

Right. Let them know about their own feelings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. That's a good self-confidence thing.

Right. Yeah. All right. So let's get to, as you know, we always do fastballs with Fitz. Mm-hmm.

You've done it before, right? I think so. What did you think of the Beckham series, by the way? Did you watch that? Yeah, I watched it. I loved it.

Because you're a Manchester United guy. Yeah. I love it. And it's good that people that would used to make fun of you for watching soccer watched it too and asked you about it and bring that shit up. Right. You know what I mean? Because soccer was such an outside sport in America for decades to like that or the Wrexham documentary or just

like, like just anything where my home sport, which is soccer, because I've lived in three different countries and grew up in three different countries. And that was my home in all those different countries. You know what I mean? Like if I could find a group that could play soccer, then it'll kind of ground me until I got to know the lay of the land and everything. That's cool. You know what I mean?

So it's good to, to know that people like, Hey man, you watched the Beckham documentary. Yeah. You know? Yeah. That's cool.

Yeah. Yeah. I had no idea. Like I knew about Beckham, but I, I like a lot of people. I just knew about his celebrity. I didn't know about his,

his prowess on the soccer pitch. Yeah, he was nice. He was nice. Yeah. Yeah. And he was really like, you know, that first goal that he scored when he kicked it from the midfield. Mm-hmm. And he put it in.

There was moments that, I mean, propelled him into being a real icon. Yeah. And, you know, Manchester United trading him was fucking crazy. Yeah, I remember that. It was traumatic for me. Was it? Yeah, it was more traumatic than you calling your daughter in the room. I was like, what the fuck are they doing? Yeah. I had hair the day before that. That's actually how I lost my hair. You had no grays in your beard?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But was that, I mean, did you feel like it was depicted right in the documentary? Was it really just that he was becoming too big of a celebrity for the team to be under the coach's control? Back then, like the news you hear in locker rooms and the insides and the issues, you didn't hear as much. You knew there was an issue because you heard about the hair drying incident but you didn't think it was that big of an incident you thought maybe it's a one-off and everything's fine now but then getting sold to real madrid you're like the fuck is going on how are we going to replace this guy we need somebody just as good as this guy and then we were supposed to get ronaldinho and he

went to barcelona so then we were like you know you're worried about how your team is going to do the next season with this missing piece yeah and how we're going to replace him because we already lost ronaldo oh right what did no we didn't get ronaldo yet we didn't get ronaldo yet but he played with ronaldo at one point, though. I think they played together at Real Madrid. I think Ronaldo came after. I think Ronaldo came after Beckham. Yeah.

And the documentary, I think it was at Real Madrid. Yeah. Yeah. But it was like, you know, imagine any American football team losing a star quarterback. Yeah. Or running back a star quarterback. Yeah. Or running back or wide receiver. Right. And going to another team at their peak.

Brady going to Tampa Bay and winning the fucking Super Bowl. Yeah. You saw how Cleveland fans acted when LeBron left the first time. Yeah. Like, they burned his jersey. Yeah. We weren't burning jerseys, but you have to be hurt to do that. And we were like, what? Right, right. Yeah. Like they burned his jersey. Yeah. It's not, we weren't burning jerseys, but you have to be hurt to do that. And then we were like,

you know, right. Right. Yeah. That's like, um, uh, Terrell.

Owens. Terrell Owens. No, not Terrell Owens. Uh, I forget that there's a wide receiver that. Odell Beckham. No.

Ty Reese. No. Ty Reese. No. Get the guy's name. Anyway, let's get to it. All right. Where do you want to travel to? Maybe Asia. Never been to Asia?

Never. What countries? Maybe Thailand, China, Japan. Yeah. Check some shit out. You want to do some stand-up over there? Not necessarily, but I'll do it if it's in a good spot. I'll do it.

Why not? What's keeping you from going there? Just haven't put the effort into trying to get out there. Right. Yeah. What's the coolest place you ever visited? Visited? Uh, I went to the Fiji islands.

Did you really? Yeah. No shit. Yeah. Wow. I think that might be Asia. Nah. It's not?

I can't. I don't. Polynesia? It's much more, yeah, Pacific's not. I can't, I don't, it's much more Pacific. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And we stopped there on the way back from Australia for like three or four days. Nice.

And we landed in Fiji and then we had to take one of those boats that will get on another plane that lands in the water. No. That slides up to the island, a resort and get out and you're on, they sing you on the island while you're coming on the island, you see them singing other people that have finished their vacation off the island. And then we just on all exclusive paid and we just chilling. Yeah. It was fun. It's fun. Topless beaches, right? Not on that island.

I didn't, I mean, if there was, and I missed it, I'm pissed. Yeah. Um, all right. Ever saved somebody's life. Yeah. But what are we gonna do? Brag about it. I don't, I don't know if it. I don't know if I.

I don't know if I saved her life or I thought I based on movies. Right. When you're a kid, you watch all these detective shows when a car flips over. Right. Yeah. Normally explodes. It has to explode. It has to explode. So you got about 30 seconds.

It's the laws of TV physics. Right. So I don't even like telling this story. I don't know. But I'll tell it. So I was a kid. I was like 14. And I went to school in Maypen, which is in Clarendon.

And I had to take like an hour bus. In Jamaica. It's in Jamaica. I take a bus ride, an hour bus ride to school every day. No shit. Yeah. And an hour back. Wow.

Because you pass an exam and they assign you a high school from wherever you from. That's the high school you got to go to. Uh-huh. sign your high school from wherever you from that's the high school you got to go to so in the evening we walk from the school to the may pen which is the major town where you catch the buses and for some reason that day there was no buses like no buses and they used to have vans too and like everybody's just waiting what the the fuck? No buses. We don't know what happened. Yeah. And one van pulled up. It was like a bigger, little bigger than the van. They call it a coasters in between a van and a bus.

So everybody piled in that motherfucker. Right. Everybody piled in that motherfucker and it was so packed. I just stood up. I ain't hold on to nothing. That's how people hanging out the door, which is a normal thing. Yeah. Conductors hanging out the door, which is a normal thing.

Yeah. Conductors hanging out the door. Wind is whipping like everybody, you know? So we, I don't, the van driver started flying. It's an hour trip. He's flying. It's like the road is empty and we get into old harbor, which is the second major town and he hits a bump, flies up in the ear, shit rolls over.

No. Yeah. Rolls over and lands. All right. And now it's the van is like on its side. Yeah. It's on its side. So like where the windows are is like the floor. Yeah. It's on his side. So like where the windows are is like the floor, the side windows. So you're just standing up in the van. I don't know how everybody flipped around. Everybody's rushing out through the back window, which is now a door. I'm running out too.

This shit's going to explode. Fuck this. I seen the movies. I know what time it is. Get the fuck out of this thing. And then I see this lady, everybody stepping over and running out. I get to the fucking door slash window, which is now the door. I just couldn't like, everyone is gone except for her. I couldn't leave her in there. Yeah. So then I just ran back.

That's what happens in the movie. Yeah, and I helped her out. Really? Yeah, and then it didn't explode. It didn't explode. Yeah. And then, so she's probably gonna be fine. So if it had exploded,

then it would have counted as saving her life. Right. But when we got to the hospital later, like I had a friend who was unconscious in an accident. One guy died, right? No shit. Yeah. One guy died and that people were injured. I was injured too, but not as injured as my friend, like because everybody cushioned me.

Yeah. So we still wasn't home. So we walked to the city with my friend who just regained consciousness, got him into a taxi to the hospital. We all got in there, all the friends, my friend group. And then on the way to Spanish Town Hospital, I got out at Viva Gardens where we lived

to go tell his family. Yeah. And to tell my family and then i told my family i'm gonna go to the hospital and then my father came home he's like mad cool relaxed nonchalant i kind of get it from him and then he took me to the hospital but when i got to the hospital i saw that lady and she thanked me. Oh, nice. She thanked me.

In front of your dad. In front of my dad. That's a big moment. Yeah. Damn. So she felt like I helped her. Right. And I guess that's, yeah.

I mean, it's about intention. Yeah. Yeah. It's that you ran into the burning building basically. It didn't end up burning but you ran in yeah yeah that's awesome yeah wow um have you ever joined any clubs soccer besides soccer like religious clubs in jamaica like in high school oh really yeah that was a big christian no shit yeah that up i was like a also altar boy in the

pentecostal church whoa like that yeah is pentecostal like speaking in tongues and all that nah it sounds like it but it's like really the church of england yeah okay in jamaica it's like the anglican church yeah yeah oh yeah i guess i forgot the name of that. Wow. So I did all that. So when you join a religious club, is it just like Bible readings and Bible readings? Like, you know, yes.

Like I really didn't want to go to hell. So I was doing everything, all the preventative measures. Right. Like I was scared of hell, man. So scared of masturbating. Uh,

I wasn't even thinking about that during then. Yeah. Yeah. I was, this was in Jamaica. People wasn't even thinking about that during then. Yeah. Yeah. This was in Jamaica. People wasn't masturbating like that. I didn't know that about Jamaica. Yeah.

Like, maybe they are now, but back then we wasn't masturbating like that. Maybe I should have joined a church group. I would have gotten a lot more done as a teenager. So, because I was raised Catholic and I still have a sense of God, even though I don't have organized religion in my life anymore. Do you still have that left over from a belief system? Yes and no. There's a spirituality.

yes and no. Like, there's a spirituality. I remember, like, in high school, the same high school that I went to, and it happened in the same school where, like, for the first time, as a young teenage adult, somebody came to class, and we had a prayer every morning,

and they asked if anybody wanted to accept God into their life. Right. And I did. And I felt like this strong thing, like life changing. Right. You know, so I carried that with me a lot. And then when I moved to America, it was just like, it was simple. Like there's so many girls and I knew I couldn't sin and like a girl just like how your mom didn't

want you to live with someone yeah I felt like like this porn but I'm like I'm young I need to date and shit and I'd like but if I do I have sex or kiss I'm gonna be sinning yeah so I had to like take a departure I had a conversation with God behind the broiler of the Burger King broiler. I was like, God, I'm going to have to take a break. And I hope in between this break, I don't die and go to hell. But just give me a chance to like explore, you know, and just, you know, maybe I'll make my way back to you or something. But I got to, you know, stay out here and I'm out here.

This is not non-masturbating Jamaica no more. Yeah. Right. Playboy channel. Yeah. Yeah. And it didn't come from your parents. It came from you.

What? Finding religion. No, they took us to church. And then there was a church in there when we moved back to Jamaica and the community that we all went to. Yeah. And it was fun.

Like it was a group of people my age there, went to Sunday school there. So it just felt natural to just roll into that. Yeah. You know, what else was there to do? Yeah. I mean,

priest was cool. We respected him. Uh huh. Didn't touch none of us. No. No, it was just like, all right.

No, no priest ever fucked with me. We had great priests, you know, I mean, 90, I don't know what percentage of priests are good, but, you know. In the church in England, Pentecostal, the priests are married. So our priest had a wife. Right.

It's the Catholic priest where you get in trouble. Yeah. That's interesting. I didn't know that about you. So you don't go to church anymore? No. I got more into that about you. So you don't go to church anymore? Nah. I got more into spiritual stuff. I believe in the universe and God and stuff like that. Yeah. I think that's kind of where I'm at. Yeah.

A sense of power. A sense like an organization of the universe that isn't random. Yeah. I believe in a higher power because of eyelashes. Eyelashes. Yeah. Intelligent design. Yeah. If you don't have eyelashes every second of the day, something will blow in your eyes.

Like, and we just have those. And like we go months and years without anything just going in our eye right bananas right that's why when a girl winks at you you feel god that's hilarious so i wonder how god feels about fake eyelashes you're kind of fucking with him you kind of go on like, Hey, this is miracle. Isn't good enough. Yeah, exactly.

Um, have you ever not finished a set on stage? Yeah. Yeah. What happened? Let me see. Cause you did deaf comedy jam twice. Yeah. You got through both of those.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's probably sets where I was booed off. twice. Yeah. You got through both of those? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, it's probably sets where I was booed off. Yeah. Yeah. Or Keys, one time in Atlanta, was one that was closer there. Oh, I heard about that.

Yeah. They don't like you. You just perform into dead silence and you start hearing more. Yeah. You see them taking the keys out and you're just panicking, setting up the next joke. Then they start shaking them. And they're like, oh, shit. Damn.

They can hear the keys, fam. Black crowds can either take you to the heavens on their wings. They can be the greatest crowds in the world. Or they can shake the fucking keys. So once the keys come out, it's over. Once one person starts shaking them. It's over. Somebody's not gonna let them

that person be the only person yeah yeah shaking the keys i want to join in on the the audience is going to have fun whether you bomb or kill right right you know what i'm saying in a black club when you bomb or kill they gonna have fun at your expense that's hilarious so it's like you're not gonna waste their money. That is so funny. Yeah, D. Ray Davis, he has that show at the Improv. So I went up there one night. I was running a TV set. So I wasn't in the moment.

Black crowds don't like it when you feel like you're mailing it in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I go up and I start my set about like, hey, I grew up in blah, blah. And they just weren't buying it. And even though it was only like a seven minute set like i fucking ted they started turning their chairs away from me that's fucked up having conversations having conversations and so i got off stage and then d ray took me by the arm and he brought me back up on stage and he took the microphone and he held it and he he put his arms underneath mine to make it look like it was it was me. And he started narrating what was really going through my head. So he's adding to it.

No, no, no. It was amazing. The crowd fucking loved it. He started killing, saying what he thought I was thinking while I was bombing. That's funny. Cursing out the audience. It was fucking hilarious. Yeah.

He saved my ass. All right. Listen, in Edwards, normally I read a comedian's tour dates coming up, but you don't have any because you're going to be, you're going to be sitting at the fucking in the writer's room, driving to work.

I do have a comedy club spot in Kansas, whatever the comedy club is. The comedy club it's called. In Kansas? Yeah. Oh yeah. So I'm there in February. Oh really?

Yeah. And, uh, I wouldn't know cause you, you don't have a website. I know. Do I need one or is LinkedIn not LinkedIn? Like, uh, LinkedIn, not LinkedIn, the something tree link tree. I don't know about that one. No, I think, I mean, the fact that I didn't promote your club date is a reason right there that you need a website. Because that's how I get people's dates.

Go to the website. All right. I'll fire it back up. Oh, you had one? I had one, yeah. I'm not like a total loser. I'm a semi-loser fam you're a lapsed winner

yeah look at it that way a lapsed winner remember I'm not trying to be famous so I'm not funny right right you know what I mean

yeah I want to always have to work for it see I think you and I are similar like that even though I'm not where I want to be I think I agree with you

that's a really good point that not being where you want to be shows that you care and it shows that not being where you want to be shows that you care and it shows that you're trying. I want to stay hungry. Yeah. Because I, I could see getting to a point where I go like, all right, this is more than I need. I've never been a more than I need kind of guy. Right. You know, like I like balance in my life. I like spending time with my family, my friends and exercising.

And like, I don't want to be that guy that's making fucking videos all day, every day and getting to a point where I'm making so much money that you get some of these comics, what they're making. And they still go on the road. I don't understand. 200 nights a year. Yeah. I don't understand that. I'd be like, let's slow down. Right. Yeah. Let's find the spot where I'm making be like, let's slow down. Right.

Yeah. Let's find the spot where I'm making just a little more than I need. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, all right. So also, uh, But tell him to follow me on Instagram at Ian Edwards comic. All right. Follow him on Instagram at Ian Edwards comic. And also check out his special. Didn't Bill Burr produce your last special on Netflix?

On Comedy Central. Comedy Central. Yeah. And, uh, yeah. Instagram, uh,

Twitter. At Ian Edwards comic. Nice. And, uh, I'm on YouTube too. Okay, good.

Yeah. Watch your series. I love your clips. They're all up on YouTube. They're very funny. It. Watch your series. I love your clips. Oh, thanks. They're all up on YouTube. They're very funny. It's a funny premise and you guys are silly. Appreciate that.

Yeah. We're roommates. Yeah. Thanks for being on, man. Thanks for having me. Love you, man. Love you too. I'm glad I got to do this one first for the year for you.

I know. Yeah. It's an honor. I'm with you. Yeah. Okay. Let's go. See ya.

We just ordered stew now. Are they going gonna cut it