Fitzdog Radio - Ian Edwards (Fitzdog Radio #1132) | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Ian and I talk about soccer but also some interesting stuff. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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This spring performance auto group invites drivers to upgrade with confidence. From March 26 to 28th, the spring upgrade sales event offers a $1,000 upgrade credit toward any new or pre-owned vehicle. Plus trade evaluations across their network deliver maximum market value for your vehicle. With competitive manufacturer rates and programs available, now is your moment to upgrade the Performance Auto Group way. 39 stores, 23 brands, one upgrade event. March 26 to 28th, visit Performance.com.ca.com upgrade sale for detail. Hi, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. I am your host Greg Fitzsimmons, fresh off of a 10-week tour.

Now, I'm not the tour bus 10-week guy that goes away, you know, nonstop for 10 weeks. I leave Thursday morning or Friday morning, and I'm back. I fly home Sunday morning. But I've done that 10 weekends in a row. And now I'm home for a few weeks. I got some California gigs coming up, but I don't have to get on an airplane for a thank God. This TSA thing is great.

By the way, pro tip, I think I talk about this with Ian later, but yeah, I'll talk about it later, the TSA. But I flew into Chicago to work in Janesville, Wisconsin. And it was really fun, amazing people, the people at the club treat you great. And it's just one of those towns where it's small enough that the people really appreciate that you made it up there. They know it was a little bit of effort. And they're sweet Midwestern people.

I flew into Chicago, drove about an hour or half. First of all, they gave me a Mustang, which is what I drive, but it was an electric Mustang. That defeats the entire purpose of the Mustang. The whole point of that car is that you step on the gas and there's a rumble. and you feel it in your balls. And when you accelerate, there's a, and that's the whole point.

That's 90% of it for me. Now I'm in an electric, grant, it's faster. When you step on that accelerator, man, it is amazing. But that's not why I'm in the business. So I get this car and the guy goes, I go, what about charging it? He goes, how far are you going? I said 90 miles.

He goes, you get over 300 on this, so you're good. Okay, great, great. So I drive up there, no problem. I do the gigs, no problem. And then I notice, oh, no, no, I noticed driving up there that the car had only been charged to about 79%. It was not at 100. So now I'm like, do I have enough?

And now I get to the gig and I'm at 40%. But I got to drive to the club to the hotel a couple times. long story short it's down to 36%. So I spend my entire day. I'm there Friday night and Saturday. I spend four hours on Saturday. I finally find a charging station that works. The Tesla one isn't compatible.

The other one was broke. I mean, I spent the whole, I finally get one. And it is like a dropper of electricity. It is a little skinny, anemic fucking, charger and it gives me like one percentage every 20 minutes. I sat there for two and a half hours and I got it up to, I want to say 60%. So I was like, all right, I'm good. So the next morning I get up, I turn on the car, and it's at like 40%. I'm like, what the fuck just happened? So now I'm driving and I'm looking for station to charge it at because I'm not going to make it. Because it tells you how many miles you're

going to get off the battery. And it's telling me I get 83 miles, but I know on my GPS that it's 89. And it's getting, the ratio is getting worse and worse. So I finally pull over and again, can't find a charger. I mean, I hate to talk people out of getting an electric car because it's good for the environment, but they're not there yet. So again, I find another inemic charger. And then I said, fuck it. I call AAA because I got AAA plus, which totally. you up to 100 miles for free. And I was like, they can tow me right to budget and I'll make my flight. Luckily, I left like two hours.

I left myself an extra hour and a half, which I needed. So then finally, I get back on the highway and I go, I'm just going to drive as far as I can. And if I end up in the breakdown lane, so be it. That means AAA will come that much faster. Oh, I called AAA and they said it'll be an hour and a half. So I said, fuck it. I start driving. I'm on the highway.

and I'm somehow staying very cool. In all of this, I usually lose my temper and I punch the wheel and I yell. And instead, I'm just like, I'm like a guy in the zone. I'm just making micro decisions. And I'm weighing my options. And now I'm on the highway. And my best option is run out of electricity on the side of the highway. AAA will come get me right away because I'm on a highway and I'll maybe make my flight.

At this point, there's no fat left. I have to make it. And then all of a sudden it gets down to 3%. I'm on the highway. And I see a busy exit. So I said, fuck it. I get off. A GPS battery charger.

And I find a good one. I find one that is just like the, it's, now I'm in the, I'm in the, what's the fucking straits that are closed down and around right now? Damn it. That would have been funny.

So it's coming out. I get a good 25% charge in like 10 minutes, and then I get on the highway. And now my flight is at 1130. It is now 10.30, and I am 35 minutes from the airport. So I was like, all right, I'm fucked. I'm not going to make it. But I go, don't give up. Maybe the flight's 10 minutes delayed.

Just keep going. So I'm going 90 miles an hour, maybe 95 on the highway. and I get to Chicago O'Hare. I pull into the lot of the rent-de-car place. It's now five minutes after 11 for my 11-30 flight. And I got to return the car. I got to get on a train that takes you to your terminal. I'm in Terminal 3.

I get off. As I talk about later, I had the touchless TSA ID. I fucking scream through that ID. my gate is way on the other side and I tear and I get down there and they're closing the door to my gate and I go, I'm here and they go Greg Fitzsimmons. I go, that's me. I made it. I fucking made it.

So I get on and I get in my seat and I suddenly feel exhausted and I realize I've been under so much stress and sitting on it that I didn't feel it. and I literally closed my eyes and I woke up two hours later. And I was like, what the fuck? Because I had slept the full night. I was like, what the fuck was that? So I'm groggy. I get off the plane.

I have like two cups of coffee. I hang out with the wife. I take some mushrooms. I do a cold plunge at my friend's house. I watch the new Pinky Blinders movie, which is outstanding. And then I go to get into bed. and I have, I take so many pills that I have a morning box of pills and I have a nighttime pill box. So I go to look at my nighttime box and the Sunday compartment is empty.

And then I look at the morning one and the Sunday morning pills are still there. Guess what I did. I took my sleeping pill, which I take every night. I took it in the morning and then got behind the wheel of a car made three. four, five, six stops, and then sped at 90 miles an hour and made a flight on a fucking lunesta. Three milligrams of lunesta. I could have killed somebody. I was like, what the fuck?

So I made it. I don't know how. Nobody died and I made it. So I'm here and I'm on to the next stop. Come see me. It's always a trip. Baker's Field at the Well, April 18th. Escondido Grand Comedy Club, April 24 and 25.

Boston, coming to Laugh, Boston, May 29th and 30th. Kind of my home club and my hometown. New Hampshire and Maine. I'm coming to Agunkwit, and I can't remember somewhere in New Hampshire. Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets and come out. Also want to mention tempo meals. If you don't want to cook, you don't want to chop, slice, saute, any of that. I don't have time for it.

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I make a lot of my decisions based on what's Maria Sharapova doing. So look, eat like a responsible adult. Don't cram French fries in your mouth because you ran out of time. Don't settle for a block of ice disguised as a meal. Get yourself some. I had some chicken and broccoli. I had this chicken with like, I forget the sauce on it. And then like, I've had so many good meals without, I'm spacing right now.

I'll do it on the next ad. But anyway, here's the deal. For a limited time, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Go to Tempomiles.com slash Fitzdog. That's Tempomeels.com slash Fitzdog for 60% off your first box. Tempomails.com Fitzdog rules and restrictions may apply. Now, my guest today, I spoke to him yesterday. He was born in England and raised in Jamaica.

then Long Island. He was a regular on At Midnight. He's been on Conan a million times. Mark Maron's podcast, Rogan's podcast. This guy, we started in the trenches together in New York and I've been doing stand-up together in L.A. for 20 years. And we've written on a lot of TV shows together. We wrote on crashing together.

We wrote on Atheon Crockett's show with Jamie Fox. And he was also a producer on the Carmichael show, Black. blackish. Anyway, super funny comic, bunch of specials. Check them all out. Here's my chat with the great Ian Edwards. All right, my guest today,

I'm so excited. I usually only have guests on like once every two years, maybe once a year. I just had Ian on about, I don't know, six months ago, but I'm just really excited to have you on for Black History Month.

It's woman's month right now. It is? Yes, it's March. When's Black History Month? February. Oh, so you're late. You are late, actually. I am late.

You were supposed to be, it's a Monday. You were supposed to be here at 11 a.m. I called you at 1110 and woke you up. Yeah. Well, I woke up after you called. Then I called. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always think about your life.

Say, and you think about my life? Yeah, because I, yeah, I'm fucking raising kids and I got to get up early every day and I can't hang out late at night. And then I see you and you're just, you do a spot and then you make a night of it. Hang out at the club. I go home now. I used to hang out. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? But after the pandemic, everybody just goes home. It's like maybe like a newest set of people out there. It's true. I know. You're not missing anything. Everybody just goes home. All we used to do was go eat late somewhere.

Yeah. And have a lot of fun joking around. Right. You know what I'm saying? Go to swingers. Go to swingers or the 101 cafe or whatever was open at the time. Even the food was bad, like, if we were at, what's the one, Mel's? Males is the worst.

No, Norms is worse than Males. Yeah. Yeah. We'd still have fun, like, just cracking up, cracking jokes. So just being irresponsible until we got caught out and just had time. Well, I think also, like, there's so much pressure to create content now that people have to be up early to do a podcast. Some people get up early to do a podcast.

Or you've got to be, like, people go home and they get on their social media. Yeah, it's like, you know, now that's a really good point. It's like you can't even hang out late because you're a DP. an editor, you're posting on social media. You're a marketing director. You're a marketing director. You're buying ads for your shows. You're booking yourself.

And then whatever other type of jobs, auditions or whatever. So it's like, yeah. And then you got just the constant upkeep on social media. You got Instagram messages. You got YouTube comments. You got Twitter comments. You got TikTok. I mean, like Facebook,

Like, I literally have not been on my Facebook in five years, but my videos get posted automatically to Facebook. I left your message that I was going to be late this morning on Facebook. That's what you would have known. I put a bottle in the Pacific Ocean with a note in it. You might as well. I would get that fast then. I would get a Facebook message. But it is a shame because, like, when I started in Boston, oh, my God, it was literally just like, if you were,

Here's the criteria for getting booked in Boston. And when I say, well, I mean New England, where you could work five, six nights a week, cash. No one was paying taxes. And you only got booked if you killed. It didn't matter what your credits were. It didn't matter if you were a draw, because back then, putting the word comedy over a Chinese restaurant on a Tuesday night, that was the draw. People would just pack the room because comedy was so hot.

So we didn't have to worry about anything except you write some material, you go kill. And so during the day, it was like me, Tom Cotter, Rogan, Al Dusharm, and we'd smoke pot, we'd go to the movies. We played softball three days a week. When it was warm out, we played softball three days a week. We all belonged to the squash club. We'd play squash every day. And we had a blast. And now it's so rare.

Sometimes when you're on the road. But it's going from a guy that raised a family, which is a lot of work. Well, I didn't take it that seriously. Which is smart. No, I think you can over-parent your kids. That's one thing my kids will never accuse me of. Over-parenting them? No, I did.

We did. But, I mean, I was gone. I basically go away every other weekend. But I'm gone for two or three nights every other week. So it wasn't that bad. Right. And when I was around, I was around. And I was very, very involved.

Yeah. I feel like you raised your family well. I always, like, think about you and your family and your wife situation. Yeah. And how you feel about your wife. I probably said that on this podcast before. I think you have, yeah. But you can say it again.

She listens. It's pretty impressive. Yeah. Oh, thanks, man. Especially when we're at work, whether we're writing on the show. Yeah. I'm going home and make a move on my wife today. And say, who still wants to do that at this age?

That's pretty. That's pretty dope. Yeah, we took mushrooms last night, and we, you know, we do that a lot of times on Sundays. And I just know what nobody I'd rather be with. We were both turning 60. I invited you to my party, and you're going to be gone. You're going to be in Batavia, Illinois that weekend. Doing a, yeah, doing a, is it the vault?

Yeah, it's a comedy vault. But the thing is, when you get invited to a party and it's a big number like 60, you can still send a gift. And not some Batavia hoodie. Don't bring me back some swag from Batavia. What's wrong with swag from Batavia? What's wrong? Dude, look at this. I just worked

out here. I just worked this weekend at the comedy cabin. They gave me this sweet-ass sweatshirt. Where is the comedy cabin? It's not, it's actually not far from there. It's in Janesville, Wisconsin. Oh, it looks warm.

It's really warm. Well, it's Wisconsin. And I got to say, I just finished 10 weeks on the road and I did well like I hit a lot of bonuses, a lot of sellouts but Batavia not Batavia, Janesville crickets. Damn.

Not a lot of turnout. I won't hit up my agent after this and rush them to book me there. No, the first time I did it, I did three shows and sold out two of them. So the age, as a booker gave me more money to come back this time. And then I...

That was before. There was a war going on Gas prices are through the roof. That's why nobody came. You know what I mean? They don't have electric cars in Wisconsin. Yeah. So. There's a whole thing going on.

That's what I'm going to blame all my small capacity weekends on. Well, that's the best, is the club owner always tries to throw you a bone. When you're not drawn that, we're going to go, well, you know, it's like 75 degrees out. Nobody wants to come inside. Or there's always like a state fair going on. Yeah, yeah. I always get booked during the state fair. Yeah.

Like my timing is impeccable when it comes to state fairs. I know. I just was in Houston and the rodeo is in town. Dude, that was a rough one. But it's nice that they try to give you those out. Yeah, the rodeo and the baseball probably when you was in town. Because aren't they doing the baseball, like the real world series? Oh, with different countries?

Yeah, right, right, right. not the American World Series. I was going to ask you about, I know you're not into baseball, you're really just into soccer, Premier League Soccer. I think you're a Manchester United guy. Yeah, 100%. I hear they sucked this year. Ah, they did.

No what? They didn't really suck this year. They sucked the last year. And the coach was slowly getting it together, but he still needed to make a few adjustments. Then they fired him because he said some shit. he shouldn't have said. Yeah.

And then they just grabbed like this guy who used to play for them. And he's never coached at that level before. So he's like the Ted Lassow of the league. Not Ted Lassau, but he's won everything with the club before. As a player. As a player. And he's a legendary player. And it's just working out.

We've won like eight out of our last 10. Oh. And we only lost one of those. Damn. So we're like third in the league. Okay. We've come up like a few places and like the team, teams ready to roll. Because if people don't follow soccer, and I barely do, but my son is an Arsenal fan.

I know you've given me shit about that. Boo, boo. You know what? I said you raised your kids well. You raised them terribly. You should have been more hands on. I dare you. He went around my back with that.

Well, you know, he was a big player. He played school soccer and club soccer for like. 12 years. I give him respect for that. And so he's got a good ass on him. I mean, I say for ass, I would say soccer is probably the number one sport. Ass and calves. Ass and calves.

For some reason, none of that worked for me? No. No. And I played a lot. You still got the abs, though, right? Nah. No? No.

I like your workouts, though, when I ask you, like, you don't go to the gym. You do these, like, home workouts where it's all body weight. I think I was doing that during a pandemic. Yeah. But now I'm back in the gym. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, good.

So let's go back to soccer. So I didn't understand, like, it's so different than here, where if you have a bad season, you can actually get knocked down a division in the league? Yeah. There's no tanking for a draft pick and staying in the league. Right. You go down to the league below. Yeah.

Like three teams at the bottom of the Premier League. the ones that do the worst, they'll get relegated to the league below. Relegated. Yeah. And then the three teams that did the best in the league below come up. So there's stakes to not be in the bottom three. So there's the fight at the top of the table to get in to win the league and to be in the top five, six clubs. And then there's also an interesting race at the bottom of the table to not get.

relegated. So if you're in the bottom three teams and you get relegated down, can you trade up into one of the teams that just got bumped up or is that not allowed? What do you mean trade up? Like say, say I'm on Arsenal and Arsenal gets relegated down a league. I like what is going. Arsenal's going down. Okay. And say Manchester United was below and now they're back up. Can I get traded to? If you mean if you're a player. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like some of those players that go down from the bottom three, they were good players on a bad team. So somebody with a good team that's still in the league,

we're like, let's get, let's buy your player. Is that frowned upon? Does that make you look disloyal to your team that you would do that? No, no, no. Because now you're in a lower league that pays less.

And a lot of teams can't afford to keep some of these players. Yeah. So they want to sell them. Right. And they have to, like, adjust to the money that they're going to make in that league. Oh, I see.

Oh, so if I'm a player in the, in the top, league and I get bumped down, my salary stays the same. Right. Okay. And they can't afford that so they get rid of. Right. Because that league doesn't make as much money as a league they just dropped out of.

So it's kind of a self-fulfilling thing there. If you get bumped down a league, getting out of that is that much harder because now you've lost your best players. Yes. It's just tough to get out. Oh, shit. There's teams that just end up going down. And staying down.

But not just to that league, to the leagues below. Because there's like at least four more leagues below that. So there's teams like, they've been gone for decades. Yeah. And they were powerhouses. So what's the secret to moving up? The secret to moving up is like just investment. And you just, and you have to like have a good eye and pick the right players.

Yeah. Because there's a lot of teams that invests like Spurs right now. they're in the fourth from the bottom yeah and spurs is like one of the big five teams uh-huh and they might go down okay and they're their investments they got bad investments and injuries but i know that like with messy he was brought into barcelona when he was just a kid and is that what you mean by investment they put them into the training program when they're like 11 investments like you know how you just talked about transfers yeah it's like when you buy a player for a lot of money, that player better work.

Uh-huh. Because you spent a lot of the money that you had on that player. Right, right. So if that player kicks off and does well, fine. But if he gets injured and you were counting on him to feel like a key position, and then you're just stuck with the players that you have before, or if that person gets injured or just doesn't play well. Right.

So it's like if you spend big money, and sometimes like Spurs, they don't spend enough money. Like they'll be like looking for a bargain like that guy he's not as good as that guy But his numbers are close so let's get him because it's cheaper who wants to be on a team called spurs it's literally like an injury They're naming you like it's bone spurs well they're all injured now yeah all they're but they're starting 11 pretty much is who's this kid who's like 18 who's like the new big thing they're saying is the future of soccer yamal yeah yeah he played he's so here's the irony of this This kid comes through La Masea. Messi came through La Masea. Now, La Mesaea is a very famous Barcelona football youth school slash program. It's a club.

Yeah, it's like they find kids at a certain age and put them in La Masea. And they're like 11, 12 years old. Yeah, and they train them to join the big squad. Yeah. So that's how you get a free player. So, Messi, somebody saw Messi in Argentina that had a connection to Barcelona and was like, hey, man, we think you should take a look at this kid. He's undernourished and everything, and he won't grow, but there's something about him. Yeah.

And then Barcelona was like, all, we'll take him. And then they injected him, gave him hormones and got his weight up and raised him since he used to kids. So he played for Barcelona for free. Normally, Tobaya Messi. Yeah. Like over 100 million. They got 100 million slash the greatest play in the world for free since he was a kid. And he stayed loyal to Barcelona.

Yeah, he stayed loyal to Barcelona. Yeah. Like Barcelona had to get rid of him. Yeah. And then. And now he was in Miami? Now he was in Miami. Now, Yamal, same thing.

A kid growing up in Spain, they identified him from an early age. And they brought him into La Masia. And now he's the next, he has more goals and has played more for Barcelona than Messi did at Messi's age. Unreal. So imagine like, and he's big, right? Yeah, he's like, he's just like, for lack of a better word, like Gumby, he's like just elastic. You know what I mean? And he's just strong.

Yeah. And he can bend and just flip back into his shape. And he's just like, and then he can do all these things with the ball like that. program that they have there in La Macea is like the way they train them, the technical ability of these kids. Like, they're better than anywhere else in the world. Right. Like, it's just a real football school. Wow. So then if you already have natural talent and then you end up at La Masea and you just keep your head on straight, you'll be fine and that's what this kid is doing. But keeping your head on straight is difficult at that age to get that kind of pressure on you.

Like my kid played on a club soccer team that was good, but my son was the best. player on the team. He's like one of the best players in the league. So he got picked up by Santa Monica United, which is famously like, you know whose kid ended up playing there also is, wait, I'll think of it, but it's super intense. Like they always win the league, they always win the state championships. So my son got put on that league and he mentally was not ready for it. And like he had the talent and the coach said to him, this is a quote to a fucking 12-year-old. He goes, you're a magician who can't do any magic.

Like, he's got the skills, but he wasn't able under pressure to pull it off. Like, because they were all about no touch passes and moving the ball. And my son was the kind of guy who got the ball and digged out three guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that used to make the coach crazy. He's on the wrong team then. Well, he was coaching the players to all play the same way. Yeah, yeah.

As opposed to saying, oh, you're good at this. I'll put you at left wing and you can draw people to. to you and then cross it or whatever. Well, that's the issue in the bigger game now, like in the pros, they're like, the coaches, it's turning into NFL where the coach calls every play. Yeah. Well, soccer wasn't like that. You could yell shit from the sidelines, but there's no timeouts and you call in plays or

the quarterback has to look at the thing that the coach wrote on his soccer is more free-flowing. But now the coaches are trying to, like, take any. chance out the game and like when you get the ball you have three choices him him him and him so you pass to him and when you get the ball it's him him and then you have to move there so there's no like like this person just this maverick just popping up and if you don't practice that way you don't play you yeah right right because the coach is trying to coach knows what he wants to do yeah so he so he switched back to the other team and the other team had a losing record every year. But then that coach was really good and they developed and they ended up winning the championship.

Oh, dope. Yeah, they were undefeated. His senior year, he was the captain of the high school team and they were undefeated. He was captain of his club team. They were undefeated. So did he beat, what's the team that he left? Your son? Different league. Different league? Yeah. And so he went to college and he had, he had, like, like interest to play division one. And he was like, you know what, Dad? I don't want to train for 40 hours a week and travel on the weekends. I wanted to like enjoy college. Tell him he disappointed me.

He did disappoint me too. Tell him Uncle Ian is mad and I'm late. He's mad that you like Arsenal and he's mad that you didn't get to D1. Yeah, he's disappointed me twice in one conversation. Have you ever met my son? He's been to the club of you. Yeah, yeah, I met him once. Well, I would play golf with Richie.

He used to be the GM over at the comedy. store. And so Richie got to know my son really well because we would always play golf together on Fridays. And so Owen had the summer off and he's like, yeah, I need to find a job. And Richie and he goes to Richie, he goes, can I work at the comedy store? And Richie's like, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll get you a job.

He goes, come in on Friday. And Owen's like, I can't fucking believe it. I'm going to be like hanging out in the parking lot, talking to Theo Von and watching the shows from the back. And so Richie goes, be there at Saturday, 8 o'clock. He goes, okay, he goes,

a.m. He's like, there's no shows in the morning. He's like, no, no, no. And he's got a mop in his hand. He's cleaning out the toilet. So he did that the whole summer. He never got to work at night. Oh, that's why I never saw him. Yeah, yeah. I think you brought him there once on your birthday, on his birthday.

Yes. And then you did a show, and you talked about him. He was in the audience. Yeah, yeah, right, right. So I think I met him then. So let's talk. about I had the craziest fucking thing happen. Should I do this in the intro or should I do it now? I'll do it now. Yeah. So I'm in Janesville this weekend and I'd fly into Chicago. I think it's same with Batavia. You'll fly into Chicago and just drive from there. Which airport in Chicago. Should I fly? O'Hare. O'Hare. All right, cool. Which no problems with TSA.

By the way, travel tip to everybody. If you if you don't have TSA, get TSA. And if you have TSA, there's touchless TSA, which means you go on the app. You got to do it separately for each airline. You have to sign up separately, but you got American Airlines, which I flew this weekend. You enter your passport info. That's it.

And now you're touchless, which means there's a separate line. What about your driver's license, a real ID? Can you enter that info? No, I think they need passports. Why? Is it expired to some? Yeah, mine's expired.

Well, yeah, you got to do that. You better get that shit right because then I'm going to let you vote, especially since you're an immigrant. No vote for war. Yeah, right. So you do that and then you walk up, you don't pull out your ID, you don't pull out your boarding pass, you literally walk up to the camera. There's no line. Snap, walk right through. Damn.

you're in an airport where there's a lot of traffic, which there is right now. So what's the real ID for? They said the real ID, like, you know, it was supposed to, like, guarantee everything. And now it's not good enough. I got to have a passport. You mean TSA? Yeah, for T, even for, like, before this. Oh, real ID. Right, right, right, right. Even before the, the strike or whatever's going on, like, airlines were charging you 40 bucks if you didn't have a real ID. Really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know about that.

Yeah. Yeah, I get the real ID or get the TSA touchless. It's just another way of being better than poor people. Yeah, and being better than even rich people. Yes. Who are not smart enough to get touch. You're efficient and rich. Yeah, yeah.

But here's the thing, like, there's so much classism that's being entered into daily life in America now. You just think about everything from, you know, taking an Uber from the airport. You got to get on a shuttle bus or if you get Uber black, you can just wait right on the curb when you walk out of the airport and it'll pick you up. But it's going to cost twice as much. And then if you got the big money, you go to the airport, they got these escorts. These are like stars. And they give you somebody, call in advance, they meet with the door. They walk you.

you cut the whole line in security. They walk you to your gate. You tip them. And it costs like 100 bucks a per year. I don't know what it costs. But like, so you get your, you do that. You get your Uber black. You got your, you know, lounges that you get into while you're waiting.

Then you sit in first class. Like, there's so much feeling inferior when you're traveling now. I flew Delta 1 once, right? Oh, nice. I didn't even know what it was. Yeah. Like, so, you know, I'm working for the show and we're shooting in New York. So they're going to go to New York.

It was survival of the thickest, right? So first of all, a black car comes to the crib, picks me up. So I'm in the back. We get to the airport. The guy says, I think you're Delta One. So instead of going upstairs and dropping me off at arrivals, he takes me downstairs. I don't know what Delta One is, so I think, oh, this guy's just being lazy. He just wants to, like, just not encounter the traffic.

upstairs and just dropped me off downstairs. Yeah. So I'm like, kind of pissed. You know, I was like, come on. Why am I getting jipped in my experience here of being on a black car all the way to the airport? Then he's like, he pulls up, he's like, give me your license. And I like, what do you, but I give it to him anyway.

Then he gets out the car, walks over to this doorway, disappears, comes back out and and say, yeah, I knew you were Delta One. Go to that lady over there. It gives him back my license. I go to the lady, we enter the airport, and there's like just me. And she runs my luggage through the thing. Just, nope, there's nobody. And then, of course, there's no bombs in there this time.

And she's like, all right, gives me all my stuff back. And then I'm like, what do I do now? Just get an elevator and go to the Delta Lounge. Straight to the Delta Lounge. the Delta Lounge. Whoa! And bro, I had breakfast in the Delta Lounge, then I had breakfast on the plane, and then when I landed in New York, I went to the dental lounge and had lunch.

All your human needs are met by Delta One. I could have taken a shower there. I could have got a massage in the Delta Lounge. Yeah? Wow. I went, one time I was traveling with Bert, and he gives me this address for L-A-X. He's like, we're going through something. I can't remember what it's called.

And I was like, what's that? This is that rich shit. Yeah, yeah. So I drive to this address. I punch you into my GPS and I drive past the airport and then I take a right after I pass the airport. And in your mind, you're like, this is wrong. This is wrong. Yeah.

But you keep going anywhere. Well, because it's like a side street. So I'm like on a side street. And then I see the sign for it. And I pull in valet parking, take your car, somebody escorts you into this room. and it's this lounge that's like as big as this studio, couches, big screen TV, PlayStation, hot buffet, waiter,

and it's just me and Bert and two other guys. And we hang out for like an hour, and then we go through airport security, which was literally there's like two or three of these lounges in this area, and then they've got their own metal screener and conveyor belt. and we each go through and then we get off and they have this

this like SUV that drives us to the plane. That's wow. And there's a stairs that go in but like everybody else is coming through the bridge and getting on the plane your stairs go up and they hold them and you walk through

onto the plane and they take you right up to first class. You know what I think is going on sometimes when you're on a flight and they say we have to switch out apart so there's going to be a delay. They're waiting for a rich person. They're waiting for a rich person

to finish up in the lounge and get driven over by it. He's taking a shower. Yeah, yeah. Waiting for a rich person to finish getting their massage. That's what the delay is. There's no part.

I don't see any mechanics. Yeah. Meanwhile, the back is getting tighter and tighter. And they're charging now. I forget they just added a new charge. United's always the first. to hit you with that extra charge. Overhead, charging for overhead.

That was United. They charged for overhead? Yeah, if you get United Basic, that means they won't assign you a seat until you get to the airport, which means you're in the middle seat back by the bathroom. You can't bring luggage on for the overhead. You can only have your bag between your legs.

You got to pay for that overhead separately. I don't focus. I mostly try to get on the Delta flight, but that's why. But I hate United. I hate United I hate United I'll just say that on the podcast

We just cost you like Two to three customers this year Yeah United Basic Yeah Like I'd always carry just one bag with me When you go on the road You just carry one bag

It's three days So do you wear the same outfit On stage every night I'm different I just need three shirts Three shirts Two pair pants For the shows

And two sweatsuits Do you fit all that in a bag? I'm wearing one of the sweatsuits. Yeah. One's in the bags, I can alternate. Wait, you alternate. Why do you need a separate sweatsuit? Because I'm not going to wear the same sweatsuit I wore on Friday during the day that I wore Saturday during the day.

What? Why not? That's not how I roll. Wait a minute. Are you sweating in your sweatsuit? No. So what's the problem? Are you afraid someone's going to see you and be like that guy was wearing the same sweatsuit yesterday?

Yeah. Really? Yes and no. But that's just, normally, I don't know. I have a bunch of track suits that's like my day outside pajamas. Yeah. So I'm like, I don't have to think about what to put on. Yeah.

Like I have these things. So let me bring two on the road. I wear one to the airport. Then the next day I wear the other one. Then the next day I put on the one that I wear off the airport. And you fit all that in a bag. Between your legs. It's a too me knapsack.

But not between my legs. It goes in the upper thing. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. Because when I go on the road, I bring one pair of black pants for all the shows. That makes sense. And I bring two shirts. Right.

I wear a sweatsuit. I wear like what you. I always have an Adidas matching sweatsuit. I bring the shoes I'm wearing. Yeah. I only wear the shoes I wear. I wear them on stage and offstage. And then I just bring however many t-shirts underwear and socks as I need for the trip.

And a toiletry bag and my podcast equipment, because I'm not. I'm always taping something on the road. We bring about the same amount thing. I don't bring in a podcast equipment. But the second sweatsuit is really something you got to think about. It's appalling to you. It's excessive. Mr. Toiletree back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the podcast equipment. I mean, well, that's why I got to make room for that stuff. What else do I bring that's unusual? I always bring a Bose speaker for the hotel room. Got to have my music. You can't connect to the radio in the... The little...

AM FM radio? I never listen to the, I listen to podcasts and shit. I don't listen to music. What kind of music do you listen to when you listen to music? Whatever they're playing at Starbucks on Hillhurst, I add it to my playlist. The DJ there is fire. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Starbucks, whoever curates that playlist is on fire. So it's a lot of, uh, what, who, uh, who, uh, you know, Kate Bush. There's a lot of that hill. It's a lot of chaperone. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Chappelle Rowan. Chappelle Rowan. Yeah, a lot of that. Yep. They like female artists. Yeah, yeah. They have a strong voice. Whatever you take mushrooms to,

it's on the list. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? They used to sell you those CDs. Oh, yeah. At the checkout thing? It used to be a record store and record stores. Yeah, yeah.

Right. Boy, how's your career going? I got into Star, But I did this funny thing one time when I worked on the Ellen show. I don't know if I think I've told this story on the show before, but I'll tell it again. They were research. This before there was like this, I started on that show in 2003. So there was Google, but it wasn't like people didn't interact with Google.

Was it dial-up? Was it dial-up? I don't know it was dial-up, but like it just wasn't. You couldn't do the kind of research you can today back then. So there was a research department on the show because it was a daily show, it was topical. And so literally the second day on the show, I've just met everybody.

And I go, I go down to research and I go, hey, I need info on the Olympics in 2008, blah, blah, blah. So they come in, they print it out, and they bring it in. And I go, hey, thanks a lot, man. There was two guys that did it, Pete and Eric. I go, thanks a lot, man. So I come in to work the next day,

and I give me to Starbucks gift card and they're like you didn't have to do that again thank you so then they come in a couple days later

and Eric comes into the room and he's fucking howling and he goes you didn't put any money on those cards did you I go nope I picked them up off the counter

I did yeah they always had them on the counter empty and I just gave them empty gift cards and they fucking loved me after that

because the best part is you got to pick He probably goes, you know what? No, give me the big one. Yeah, they went to the thing. Give me a day. I don't usually get a day. Give me the Danish.

Grabbing some for the guy in line behind you. I got him. That's funny. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. But Starbucks has become like McDonald's. When they started, it really was like they had baristas. Like they had quality stuff.

And then it's just the quality of Starbucks has gone so far down. Yeah, the coffee's trash. Coffee's trash. But I go to Starbucks every day, but I just get tea. Oh. I get their tea. They have these teapot, Tevana. Yeah.

Tea packets, which Tevana is like one of the best teas. Uh-huh. But I just do that. So you wake up every day and you go straight to Starbucks? Yeah. Do you get food there? Nah. You don't have breakfast.

No, I'll eat lunch. I see people eat breakfast at Starbucks. I'm like, all right. Those sandwiches are mad. Is that what you want to do to you? Yeah. Trying to elongate my life incrementally. All right, so walk me through in Indian Edwards' day.

You wake up around, obviously, not 11, because that's what time you're supposed to be here. All right, I got a new schedule. Okay. But I'm failing at it because this morning, like, I set my alarm. I went to bed at midnight. I was supposed to get up at 6 a.m., which I did. I went downstairs. and fell right back asleep.

I was going to start like stretching and working out and go to the gym and then come to you. Right. But because coming to do a podcast on Monday was so foreign. Yes. Like even when I woke up, it never occurred to me. Mondays are my worst day of the week. I always fuck up on Mondays. It's my weekend.

Yeah, right, right, right, right. It's the first day on my weekend because we're comics. So I was like, like, it never even when, sometimes I put, your thing was in my calendar. Yeah. But it never occurred. heard to me to check the calendar. It's Monday. Yeah. There's nothing to do on Monday. All right.

You know? Especially when you do a show on Sunday night, which you and I don't normally do. Exactly. Now it feels like Sunday morning. So now it feels like Sunday morning. Yeah. I did a show last night at the store. I don't even know how I got on it. Yeah. So then I just fell back asleep. Then when I woke up, I started stretching. And then I was like, look at your phone. I was like, oh, shit, it's 11. I forgot what I thought, 11.05 or something, 1115. I saw you just called and I said, oh shit, the podcast. So then I called you.

Yeah. And then I just got ready and just came over. All right. So normally, what time do you wake up? So I'm got this new schedule where I want to wake up at 6 a.m. Work out and then go to Starboard. You got a gym in your building? Stretch a home and then go to the gym.

In the building? No, it's 24-hour fitness. Okay. Because I want to use the weights and I also want to use the sauna. Yeah. You know what I mean? Get all these microplastics and whatever it's inside of me out. Yeah.

You know what I mean? So when you go on the sauna, I never been to a 24-hour fitness sauna. Do you go in with a towel on? No, I'll just go in regular clothes, a workout clothes. No, I mean, in the fucking sauna. You go into the sauna with your workout? Yeah. Is it one of your sweatsuits?

Is that one of your sweatsuits? It's just a t-shirt and a sweatpants. No matter how much they tell you, they tell people don't come in there with their garin. and everybody's in there. Really? They say, don't wear your workout sneakers in there. And I brought sandals one time and I saw everybody with their sneakers on. I'm not changing mine.

This is some low-end working out. That is so weird to me. So you sweat on your clothes. Yeah, because I'm going to throw them in the dry and hamper. And I got like paper towels on wiping myself off. You don't even bring a real towel? No. Don't you think that there's plastic carbons in that shitty paper towel that you're in?

But I go home and shower right away. Yeah. Yeah. That's the key. So you sweat up your pants and then you drive home in your sweaty pants? Yeah. But I got like a hoodie that I put on. Yeah.

So I don't fuck up the seat as much. And then by the time I walk to my car. Yeah. Like I'm dry. So you're wearing a hoodie while you're sweating, which means you're going to... No, no, I put the hoodie on after. Do you wash the hoodie every time you wear it? Yeah, yeah, it goes in the hamper.

I got like... All these comedy club hoodies. Yeah, yeah, me too. You know, so I just bring one of those. Right. You know what I mean? So then I go home, shower, hit the Starbucks, and it's about like, am I posting today? Am I writing something today to, like, come up with a post for later?

Because sometimes I shoot sketches with Paul or come up with an idea with somebody else. Yeah. I'm actually taking this AI course a little bit. Uh-huh. Are you really? Just see if I can make some sketches. Oh, that's great. Great.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And then, because you can't shoot with somebody all the time. So I'm like, let me learn that a little bit. And then also, like, there's some stuff I want to write. Like, I want to write a new spec. Yeah. Like a drama.

Yeah. So I got to start, like, working on that. So that's the plan. And then if I have a set that night, I will try and I've been failing to get to a coffee shop, an hour before that show. Yeah. To, like, write a little bit so I can try the new tags on the bits. What are some new bits you're working on right now?

So I got some real stuff happened to me. Like, I went to the dry, everything, the price, everything's going up. So I talk about how I went to dry cleaners. Yeah. And normally I just give them the clothes. And they'll give me a receipt and I don't look at the receipt. Yeah. And then this time when I went there, it was five shirts and three pants, and they charged me $107.

Oh, my God. So I'm like, are you selling my shit back to me? I was like, this is a store now. It would have been better if I had to drop these shits off at Goodwill and then came back three days later and bought them off the rack. It would have been cheaper. Because they cleaned it at Goodwill. Yeah, they cleaned it at Goodwill. That's hilarious.

Yeah. And I was like, dirty my shit back. Yeah, right, right. It's like they're taking their clothes hostage. Yeah. You're paying ransom to get them back again. And that's the thing I say is like, these are going to get dirty again. So now every time I bring it to them, I'm renting my clothes from these motherfuckers.

Because they're holding out of them longer than you are. Because it takes a week and a half to get it back. Yeah. Yeah. And then, but you, there's like these jeans. I don't want to run. ruin them. Mm-hmm.

And these shirts, I don't want to ruin them. I don't want to keep them. And they're, like, classic, and you can, they'll stay in style. They won't go out of style. Right. So, like, that's the look I'm going for. Yeah. But, and you think, all right, this is how you save money.

Yeah. But the dry cleaners and the rest of the world right now. Oh, my God. That is, that's. Go to Marshalls. That's a really funny premise. I like that. Yeah.

What did I have a new bit I thought of today? Um, new jokes. This is my, I got my list of new jokes, but it's getting too long. I need to. That's good. But, but it's a lot of shit. What I think of yesterday. Oh, I was thinking about that TV show, I Dream a Jeannie.

Do you remember that one? Yeah. So I Dream a Jeannie for the younger people that are watching, Jen, whatever the fuck you are, there was a show, there was a television show on primetime network called I Dream of genie. And here's the premise. There's a military guy who has a, Barbara Eden was the smoking as hot chick you've ever seen in your life. Midr, and she would wear a genie outfit with the completely exposed midriff, giant breasts, and she lived in a bottle, and she would come out and she would do whatever he told her to do. And then when he get mad at her, he put her in the bottle, and he'd just,

She put the cork in it and she was trapped in the bottle. That's real. That was a real show. It wasn't as misogynistic as you make it sound. Well, did I say anything incorrect? Yeah, kind of. He used always trapped in the bottle. I can't really remember.

I felt like she went in the bottle when she wanted to. Yeah, but then if... No, no, no, he trapped her in there. There was a cork. Maybe I got to watch the show more. There was a cork and it doesn't get in... I mean, somebody must have made a porn. It is. It is kind of a massage.

There must have been a porn movie based on that because you could tell her to do whatever. But you'd never find an actress as hot as Barbara Eden was. Right. He never asked her to do anything immoral, right? Not on the show, but the show was only a half-camera. Well, it was a half an hour a week they showed you. So we don't know what they did off-camera. We didn't know what they did off-camera.

Larry Hagman was the guy. Larry was his friend that knew about Jeannie. Oh, there was one friend that knew about. funny because he was immoral. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good thing he didn't have her. Right. Or it would have been worse of it, even worse of a show.

Oh, it would have been a lot of anal. Yeah. There would have been some foot stuff going on. How does he get more than three wishes from a genie? I know. You're always supposed to get three. Yeah. This thing, he got a hundred episodes worth of wishes.

That's wild. That was immoral. And also, like, if he's a soldier, I would just bring her to war. with me and then it'd be like, kill these guys. Yeah, he was an astronaut. Did he find her on the moon? Oh, he was an astronaut. Or did he found her on the beach? So it had found her on the beach. Yeah. I think his, I think his spaceship landed in the ocean and then he was getting out. He found the, he found the bottle. Yeah. So, I mean, so that show would never be made today. No, I wouldn't be.

So that's my new premise. All right, let's get to fastballs with fits. All right. been here before. You know how it works. I don't, but let's do it. I ask you some questions. It's Monday. It's Monday. Yeah. You're pretty sharp, by the way. Haven't had your tea. You've been really good on this episode. I mean, I slept for like eight hours. Yeah. Sounds like you slept like a lot more than eight hours. Because I woke up at six and then I went back to sleep. I woke up like ten-ish. I just went from the bed to the couch. I'm coffee sharp. Mondays are so hard for me because you're coming off the road. It's your weekend. I have a rule. Never jerk off on Monday. Why? Because it just takes that much more energy out of me. All right, here's the

first one. Have you ever been arrested? No. Luckily no. You ever been interrogated by the police? The closest I've been interrogated to the police is the look that you gave me when I said, I haven't been arrested. Well, look, you know, it's it's Black History Month, and I think it really is unusual that a black man who grew up in New York City don't jinx it I know but let me like can I can I tell you the story did I tell you this story?

What? It was me Franz Cassius you know Franz Cassius and Joe Coy So I was living in L.A. at the time so I've had a bunch of incidents like I have run-ins with cops Yeah thank God never been arrested

so this was one of them So me, Jo Koi, he's so new in comedy. He thinks he flies to New York and he's like, he gets a hotel, but it's in Queens.

He has no idea. He's nowhere near where the comedy is at, you know? So then, but I'm living in Long Island at the time where I, well, while I'm visiting New York

because I live in L.A. And so then... You grew up in Queens, though, right? Long Island. Oh, you grew up in Long Island. Yeah. So then now I'm staying in Long Island. And then Franz still lives on Long Island.

So I said, Joe, Franz has a car. Long Island, Queens is on the way to the city. So I will hook you up with a ride home. Yeah. Right? So we'll walk into the car. As we walk up to Franz's car, he has some classic old school BMW. A van pulls up.

The doors fly open and these dudes jump out with their badges around their neck. And we're like, what's going on here? and they're like, where's the thing? Like, what? Where's it? And then one of the cops is like looking in the pay phones and shit and he's looking around and he's like, we want to, where's your ID?

So I was like, we'll give him our IDs. And they bring it to this lady in the van. And then they're talking to us like real rough. They want to search Franz's car. And Franz's like, you're not searching my car. They don't know a problem cause. And they're like, if you don't let us search your car, we'll put something on you.

you. Really? Yeah, yeah. They said that. And you'll go to jail this weekend. You know, it's like Saturday night. And Franz's like, now you're not searching my fucking car. And then he looks at the black cop who's with the Italian cops.

And he's like, you fucking sell out. You're going to let him do that shit to us. And, you fucking sell out. And like, he's cursing out. And I'm down with him, thinking, them not searching the car, but I'm worried about him cursing him out too much. Because then it gets emotional for them. Once they lose their emotional composure, the little that they do have,

then all bets are off. Right. You know, then it gets worse. So I'm like, and then it's getting heated. But then the lady in the van gives the guy our IDs back, and she's like, it's not them. Like, because they wanted to search the car because they said we put something in our car and there was some deal going down. And we're like, how would, I'm like, how do you even know that? One of the neighbors called and said that was what we said.

We just walked up to the car. What the, like, they were looking for somebody that wasn't us, and they thought it was us, and they blew whatever they were, they blew whatever they were going to do on us. You know what I mean? Like, they, they, whoever they wanted, probably was watching this. And was like, oh, these motherfuckers, somebody set us up.

And these motherfuckers are going down. Yeah. But then the lady in the band was like, it's not them. And they gave us our IDs back. And Franz just continued. No apologies. No apologies. No, like the threat that they gave us, that cop was so confident,

will put something on you and you'll go to jail. Damn. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I'll be in scenarios like that. I've seen hidden camera where like, you know, guys get pulled over and they get the hidden camera and they, and I just saw one the other day when you see the back door open and you see a white bag. Yeah, yeah, I've seen that.

That's fucked up. Yeah. That is so fucked up. Because your life is over. White powder, man, you're going to jail. Yeah, man. Like a class, whatever drug you, that's fucked up. Yep. Yep.

All right. Where did you lose your virginity? I think it was at my crib. How old were you? Like 18. High school? Nah, I graduated. How old was she?

Be honest. She was like the same. I don't believe that. You hesitate and you looked up. Because I have a funny thing where I kind of lost my virginity twice. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What happened the first time?

the first time it was my girlfriend we you know like we graduated from high school the same time like but i went to her high school graduation instead of mine not her high school prom instead of mine yeah and then and then uh and then one night one day she came over we had sex but then a few years later she told me she didn't have we we didn't we didn't have sex like like it was in the wrong, like maybe I didn't penetrate or something. It's just because she said she had sex later with somebody else and she bled. So you think maybe you were just rubbing up against her and it didn't go inside? I feel like we were so young that it just felt like it was in.

Yeah. And she didn't know either. So then there was another woman that I had sex. She didn't know? I don't know, bro. She just told me that we didn't have sex. Do you have a small penis? No.

How would she not know if a penis was inside of? of her. I don't know, bro. We used a fool around all the time. So you don't know if you were inside and she doesn't know if you were inside. The second time for sure. I felt like I was inside, I'd be honest. Right, right. So I don't know what that was. Uh-huh. But she told me. Was she fat? Did she have like a fold between her thigh and her badge slap? She wasn't fat, but she was thick, so it might have been a fold. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it could have been a fold. Yeah. And then maybe she's so young, she didn't like say it's not in. Yeah. Like, you know, you know, there's stuff that women go through and they don't want to say anything.

Like, but we both didn't know what we was doing. So, yeah. First time I went to third base with a girl, I performed third base on her. I reached her third base. Uh-huh. So I'm at my buddy's house. What is third base? A vagina?

Yeah, it's finger in her. Okay. So I was in high school, and after school, I went to my friend's house, and he was kind of rich. big house. And we were probably, this story's fucked up. We were probably juniors in high school. And he had a sister who was like a sophomore in high school.

And so like we had a couple beers and then I slipped off with the sister into the other room. And I'm making out with her. And like I went, I went put my hand on her pants. But like, you know when you're that age, you don't even like undo the pants. You just jam your. just happy you got to the, you just want to get to the thing and touch it and it be okay. Exactly.

Yeah. It's not about, it's certainly not about stimulating her or bringing her to an orgasm. Like, that's the last thing on your mind. All you're thinking about is touching it. So I put my hand down her pants and they're still buttoned. And I, you know, and we're making out. I got my hand down there and I put my finger in and then I'm walking home and what do you do then? I don't know.

I'm not going to let you tell me. You smell your finger. You're in high school. You're going to smell your finger. So I smell my finger and it smelled like duty. Oh, shit. And I realized I went right past the vagina into her butthole. And she had never been fingered before.

So she probably thought that's what it is. Yeah, like when you never done anything before, you don't know where. Right. Yeah. Like I didn't look for where I put my... Right. Because you're estimating. Yeah, you're estimating.

Like, there's no experience of, like, like, I've touched it before. Yeah. So it was wet there. Right, right, right. I just felt like it was in. So I smelled my finger. And then I was realize, like, this girl, probably the first time somebody really, because I went to fourth base, the first time somebody goes to third base on her,

she's going to be like, who is this kinky weird dude putting it in my vagina hole? That's not how you do this. hilarious. Yeah. All right. Let's get to... What else you got? You ever win any awards?

Like, what time? One time I won a comedy contest. You did? Yeah. Where was that? It was in New York. Uh-huh. What was the name of the contest?

I'm trying to remember. Oh, you're trying to remember. Sierra Mist type thing. Yeah. And it was like... I love it. I love that you won a contest of a soda that doesn't exist anymore. Yeah, yeah.

That's how long ago it was. Yeah, right. Like a Sierra Mist. And it was funny because, you know, it was mostly like a black comedy contest. And, you know, the black comedy circuit, like, there's some really good ass comics on that fucking circuit. Yeah. And I kind of felt I was only doing the white clubs. I'd done a lot of black clubs.

but then towards my end of my time in New York, I was only doing the New York City clubs. So I wasn't doing a lot of black clubs. Yeah. But I was trying to make sure that my material would work in both. But it's tough if you're not actually doing both. I used to go do that uptown comedy club in Harlem. That was a good black club.

That was a good black club. And there was black comedy spots all over the place. Yeah. But I was doing the Boston, which is like you had to be good to kill at the Boston. Yes. So I was doing the Boston. Oh, yeah, you're following Chappelle or Dave Attell or Louis in this little room. Yeah.

Yeah. And whatever, I would just try to mentally keep my comedy honest, but you don't know unless you do a black club. Yeah. So I hadn't on a black club in a minute. So the Cera missed comedy contest. is definitely a black comedy contest, and it's in a black club in Jersey. All right.

So then first, we had, me and Wilson Vincent, a bunch of comics, black comics. We had a show in the city that night, and then we drove to Jersey to do the contest. So we all pull up to the club, and there's no parking. They all jump out and run in the club and sign up. So I literally, when I get in the club, I'm the last person on the list.

And you know. Everyone's going long. Everybody's going long. But towards the end of the show, the audience just ain't going to have the capacity to listen to you. But I guess I was like so finely tuned and determined that night. And I went on last and I won that contest, bro. Nice. Like legitimately, not like.

You got that can of soda? Yeah. I got, I got. Did you open it and pour it over your head? Yeah, yeah. It gave me, they had a, it was a national contest, so that was just like the New York. Oh, okay. So then the finals was in Detroit.

They flew you out? Yeah. They flew us out. And then right before I went on, they announced that Tupac died. So they canceled it? No, right before I went on. Oh, in the middle of the show? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God. You died too that night. Let's just say the vibes wasn't the same. Did they have, did you come up to a Tupac song? Is that your intro of music? No, it's like, like the energy, everybody just finds out in the audience, like the host makes the announcement. Yeah. Like some comics had already gone on.

And I'm in the middle of the show. And then I'm like, why what the fuck would you say that shit, fam? He's still going to be dead after. Yeah, right, right. Come on, man. Damn. Yeah. I did, I was doing a college in the Midwest and a,

Columbine shooting happened, which was like the first big school shooting. That was the first. That was the one where people really got shook. So I'm in my hotel room. I'm watching it on CNN, and I'm like, am I even doing this fucking show?

I'm at a college, you know? And so the lady calls me and I go, do you want to do this? I was like, I don't want to do this. You want to do it? And you were in Colorado? No, I was in the Midwest. I was like, I don't know.

And she goes, let's just do it. It'll cheer people up that might need this. So I come down. And there's like, you know, 12 kids in this giant auditorium show up. And she goes up to bring me up. And she goes, before we get going, I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the students that died in Columbine. And everybody's heads go down.

People are crying. And now here's Greg Fitzsimmons. And I walk up there and I was like, are you fucking kidding me? So, yeah, I was another death that happened that day. I got a story like that. Yeah. So. Did it happen on 9-12?

Well, what's the casino in Connecticut? Well, there's two, there's a, Mo, there's, uh, Mo, there's, uh, there's, uh, yeah, I think, Mohawk, not a Mohawk, uh. It sounds like the M, it sounds like, it's kind of M. Yeah. Yeah, I played there 25 times. I can't remember it. And they had a comedy club in there. Yeah.

So, it's, when you live on the East Coast, you travel at night to get there in the morning on the west, on the, on, on, on, when you live, on the West Coast, you travel at night on a red eye to get there in the morning for, you know. So sometimes you're disorientated. Yeah. And then they take you to the casino, check in, all that. And I did the Thursday show. So I did the Thursday show. And the numbers were decent.

And I was like, if the show was good, I said, if the show is good on Thursday, man, this weekend is going to be great. This is just Thursday. Yeah. So I go to sleep. and wake up, turn on the TV, and that's the, what's the school, the elementary school? Oh, in Connecticut? Connecticut. Yeah.

So what was the name of that one? That's shooting. Oh. That was a tough one. That was a tough one. That was a tough one. That was a tough one. Sandy Hook.

Yeah. And I'm watching this on the news like, this is sad, but I have no idea that I'm in Connecticut and Sandy Hook is in Connecticut. Yeah. It only like, only two, three hours into watching all the foot, like, wait a minute, I'm in Connecticut. I was like, man. Damn. When I went to those shows, there's hardly anybody there. And it's like, it was like 9-11 energy.

Uh-huh. It was like, it was like 9-11 energy. Like, nobody showed up. The most people that came to the show was Thursday night before the shoot. Did you do jokes about it? Nah, bro. like it was just tough it was just like I did a show on I think they they they didn't do comedy shows for a good week after 9-11 and my first show back I was like I was like yeah you can't get to

the airport you couldn't drive cars to the airport or you could you couldn't pull up to the you couldn't pull up there was no long-term parking and the only way to get to the airport was to take a taxi and I said well what better way of stemming the flow of Muslims to the airport than only allowing taxis. It'd be when, uh, uh, uh, all right,

one more and then I'm going to let you go. All right. Okay. Let's ask you, uh, who's the one that got away? Who's the woman? You look back and you go,

that's the one that got away. It's like five of them. Really? Yeah. No shit. Yeah. How come you didn't pull the trigger on any of them? Well, the last one...

You never been married, right? No. The last one, this was weird. So I'm with Nicole Amy, right? And we go to this coffee shop in our neighborhood. And there was this girl beaming at me, like, at the counter, working. And to the point where I was like, this is not real. Yeah.

She's just probably this nice to everybody. Or it's a man. I didn't think that. Yeah. Yeah. She, you know, 100%. Yeah. So I was like, and then I was like, how does she know?

And she's, if me and Nicole Amy are friends. And Nicole sometimes will be like, call me boo. And I'm like, Nicole, don't you see this girl checking me out? Why are you calling me boo? Yeah, yeah. in front of this chick, you know what I mean? And I was like, this is, the girl's probably going to think, I'm with Nicole. She served us and she was kept on, like, being attentive and giving me attention.

And but I was like, I felt like, because of Nicole calling me boo a few times. Yeah. And we're friends. We've been friends for a long time. Yeah. Just friends. But I felt anybody could miss steak. Yeah.

So then I go home. and then had sex with Nicole and called her the other woman's name. Didn't even know her name yet, but made up her name. No. So I go home and I look at my DMs. It's the girl from the coffee shop. No! Yeah.

It's the girl from the coffee shop. She'd DM me. She's like, hoped you enjoyed your thing. And then I exchanged the number that we went out. How'd she know your name to DM you? I think, so I feel like we were talking. And I feel like, so there's, I'm. I met her a few times and I didn't know.

Okay. One time I was hiking in Griffith Park and I walked by her and I just smiled at her and said, hi, just out and she did it back. So she remembered me for that. She was at the store one night. Oh, so she knew you was a comic yet. And I saw her in the hallway. Because I saw her in the hallway and I said hi to her.

And then I said, so then I come into the coffee shop. So she knew my name and then she'd DM me and then we went on a few dates and then. Did you make love to? No, this is what happened, bro. I was like, it like the, the connection was crazy. Connection was crazy. I was like, I'm going to end up marrying this girl. And I was just like, I'm not talking to this girl. What? Yeah, 100%. You're that afraid of marriage? Of commitment, yeah. No shit. Yeah, I said, this is it. This is it. Damn.

This is it. This is it. This is it. Wait, what is that all about? I don't know, bro. You don't know? Well, I do know. Like, I have the instinct that got me into comedy.

Yeah. The intuition that got me to comedy. Right. And I have an intuition that says stay single. But the same intuition says that was the one. But the intuition to stay single is still valid and strong and make sense for me. If you weren't a comedian, do you think you'd have that single? instinct? It's not even an instinct. It's just an intuition. It's like for real, for real. Like,

I feel like I'll be, my intuition is like single, single, but they, but it will say, hey, she was one of the ones. Right. Right. Like, it could have, it could have worked with this. Damn. You know what I mean? Did you ever run into her again after that? Yeah, we hung out, but she's, she wasn't into me like that no more. Yeah. Yeah, you blew it. Because I kind of blew her off. Right, right, right. You know, like at the peak of it. Damn. Yeah. What a way to end the podcast.

Yeah. If you're out there, what's her name? I don't want to say any. She knows who she is. You know who you are. If you're still feeling it, DM them again. Because I feel like now that you know she was the one, I think things might be different this time.

I mean, I did tell her before. Like, I've told her since. It's not like I didn't try. Right, you know what I'm saying? Right, right. But, you know, we're friends now. Yeah. He who hesitates is lost.

Yes. There you go. As we said, Batavia, Illinois at the comedy something. Comedy Vault. Comedy Vault. Batavia, April 2nd to the 4th. Greg's birthday party. My birthday party on the 4th.

By the way, if any, I should say I have invited some people. If there's some people out there that are offended that I'm having a party and you haven't been invited, please email me or call me. If you're DMing me, you're not invited because that means that we're. really not that close. Hit him on Facebook. But seriously, I don't want to leave anybody out, so reach out to me because I was pretty sloppy about the guest list, although I did invite Ian and then he didn't reply, which

drives me fucking crazy. You send out your invites and then people just don't reply. Because you got to send out party fools. That's what people are doing now. Party what? Party fools. They know. I did paperless posts.

No, party fools. Really? Yeah, partifil is the way. You still have time to do partifles. How do you spell it? They'll tell you. Yeah, you don't have to remember it right now. Yeah, they put you up on game.

Also, everything I go to now is true partifle. The special, which came out about a year ago, Bill Burb produced it, is called... Well, the last one I produced it. Oh, right, that was last fall. Yeah, that was that. So this one is September.

Last one came out, September. It's on YouTube called Untitled. Untitled. It's still doing its thing. Good. Yeah, yeah. Okay. But Bill produced a one before.

Right. Yeah. And any current podcasts? I know you used to do one. Nah, this is the first year I don't have a podcast. You used to do a soccer one and then you do one with that woman. Yeah, because we used making like clips and stuff like that. Right.

Okay. Yeah. I'm not doing anything. I'm just. Well, now that you get up at 6 a.m., you can do all this shit. Yeah. That's why I'm trying to readjust because I go to bed earlier. Yep.

You know? Good. I'm single. I don't have a woman or kid. You got soccer and comedy, man. I got soccer and comedy. I love it. All right, well, thanks for coming on, man.

Thanks for having me. All right.