Fitzdog Radio - Jay Mohr Episode 1124

Episode Date: January 21, 2026

This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew. Save 10% off your first month with Promo Code: FITZDOG at BlueChew.com Fellow journeyman and long time friend Jay Mohr and I write some bits for Carrot Top and discuss our dads. Check out Mohr Stories: https://www.youtube.com/@UCsCZ5e_UlxeuHXofus5qxnA Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz FitzDog Radio is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of The Gotham Network. Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. All right, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. I'm sitting in the Green Lab Studios where we record the show. And I don't know people know, but like we record here, and then it gets sent off to a producer who edits it, uploads it, smooths it out, does all that stuff. So for many years, Midcoast Media has done it. We have moved on with all good heart.

Just things transition sometimes. but I just wanted to give a heartfelt shout out and much gratitude to the amazing work. Chris Denman and Beth Hoops have done. They're good friends, and they're very talented. And Logan, who edited a lot. There's been many editors over the years, but just want to thank them. They've meant a lot to me. We've done great things together, and that's it.

All right. So anyway, I'm wearing a hat. It's not the same kind of how I normally wear, but I'm going in some different directions this year. I began trimming my pubic hair as I don't shave them, but I got a man groomer, and I realized they were completely out of control, and that was disrespectful to my wife. And so I clip, and what I do is I don't want to be, I don't want to look like a teenage boy with a bald head and a wrinkled neck. So I'm not shaving it.

But I trim in moderation. When the hairs get longer than my penis, I trim them. It's like going to a carnival and you have to be over a certain height to get on the ride. If you're over that height, I trim it down. And, you know, and that height can vary depending on the temperature of the house. If I'm stressed out about my calendar being empty, there's many different factors. The last time I had an orgasm, that can affect the size of it. Sometimes it gets larger when it needs a workout.

So I bought a Mustang. I'm trimming my pubic care. I've got a cool hat. I'd call it a midlife crisis except I'm pushing 60s. So I'm trying to do the math. I think I'm at a two-thirds life crisis, more. I'm at a three-fifths life crisis. I don't have a lot of time left, and I want to live it right.

So I made love to my wife yesterday in the middle of the day on the couch, in our living room, where the apartment across from us can see in. And we didn't care because if you want to look at that, hey, you're a freak. Anyway, I want to get to the podcast right away because I'm excited about it. The last time I had Jay Moore on, it was truly one of the best podcasts we've ever done. He is just a, he's got a mind like a steel trap, and he's a great storyteller, and he's very vulnerable. He's very forthcoming. He's charming.

I love Jay Moore. I've known him since I started. A few years after I started, I got to know him in New York. And so I'm happy he's back today. Good luck to the Rams this coming week. I predicted they were going to win the Super Bowl at the beginning of the season. So they're in great shape. They're so, so exciting.

Pooka Nakua, I could watch that guy. I have a gay crush on Pukkahua. I think I could make love to him. I've never made love to a man. I've never even kissed a man on the mouth. But when I see Pukkahua, some weird feeling comes over me like it would just, it would be beautiful. Anyway, we have tour dates coming up. Austin, Texas at the mothership, Joe Rogan's Club, January 30th through February 1st.

Oh, I forgot. No, this weekend, I'm at Irvine at the improv. Whatever dates this weekend is, 24th, 5th, whatever, the Friday, Saturday. Sacramento Punchline February 5th through the 7th, Philly, Helium, February 13 through 15. Valentine's Day, get your date together. Lexington, Kentucky. Houston, Fort Worth, L.A., we got the St. Patrick's Day Show, March 17th, Janesville, Wisconsin, Bakersfield.

Anyway, I also want to mention, when I said I made love to the wife yesterday, let me just tell you something. I got a free sample of the blue-chew gold. It's the number one chewable ED brand. And look, I'm no spring chicken. I'm on antidepressants. Sometimes Daddy needs a little push, little tush push. You know, like I'm a quarterback and it's third and short.

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I put the blue chew in my mouth. I walk into the living room and I just stick my tongue out and she sees the blue and her ears perk up like she's a deer in the wild and she starts presenting. It's Pavlovian. So anyway, take it to the next level, championship belt gold standard. And also, if you're listening and you're a woman, send your man the link and make him a trophy husband with Blue Chewolds. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at bluechew.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10% off your first month of Blue Chew Gold with code Fitzdog, F-I-T-Z-D-O-G.

That's promo code Fitzdog. visit bluechew.com for more details and safety information. And we thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. And my wife thanks you for yesterday afternoon around 115. Okay, my guest today, oh, you know I'm from, well, first of all, Saturday Night Live. He was on SNL. He did a lot of great stuff on that. He was in the movie Action.

He was another TV show Action, the movie Jerry McGuire, with Tom Cruise. He was in a pretty good sitcom called Gary Unmarried. People didn't really know about that as much as they should have. Dumbbells air, a million of them. He got nominated for a primetime Emmy

as one of the original host and executive producers of the last comic standing. So in just a few moments, this chair over here is going to be occupied by the great Jersey zone. Jay Moore.

My guest Jay Moore joins me. I'm in the chaos of Green Lab Studios. What do you think of the hat? I like the hat. I've always liked you in hats. Usually you wear the little derby. What is it called? The little like newsy cap.

Newsy cap. Yeah, they're kind of Irish. I want one of those and just wear it with like a track suit. That's the South Boston uniform. Rolex track suit. A little newsy cap. Yeah. That spells trouble.

Jamaicans wear that also, I think. Yeah, and the old mafia guys, too. The Italian mafia guys used to wear it. And as a matter of fact, that was a big thing with John Gotti, is they all wore track suits, and then all of a sudden, Gotti came along, and he started buying these Italian custom-made suits, and he was a young guy,

and they really resented it. They thought it was drawing attention. You don't draw attention to yourself. You live in a little fucking double-decker in Queens or Brooklyn, and... You don't think they resented them for rubbing out guys to get power? you think it was his suit it was the blood on his suit

you don't think it was Castellano laying in front of a fucking restaurant in the sidewalk we were talking about high schools yeah in West L.A like when you and I grew up we went to a grammar school middle school and it's like

and then you just go to that high school yeah I'd have to fill out applications like this is bonkers oh your son's going through that right now he's not going through anything he sits on his ass listening to NBA young boy this did it what said that like calling

You know? What does he care? He's sitting on his ass listening to NBA young boy, you know? One of the fine chan truces of our generation. Sounds like somebody put water on a Chinese robot. They can all be, you know, Steve Lawrence. What are our founding fathers think about that? You know. Yeah.

When you fill out the high school application online, it says 30% finished. And then you've read it for like another 10 minutes. It's like 32% finished. I've been here for four hours. hours. And then it came, this is, our kids are kind of similar in this regard, maybe. It said, great, 80% finished. Now we just need his essay. I'm like, yeah, it's going to be a problem. Because he's not an essay guy. Yeah. I don't know. So what does that mean you're writing the essay? Hell no. I'm not, I can crush an essay. We've always been good at like,

winging and yeah. Make the margins real close. No, I was an English major. Big giant margins. of papers, yeah. Therefore. 14 fonts. Double space between the words. Yeah. Lots of quotes. Long quotes.

A lot of quotes. Yeah, but he's not an essay guy. So I actually texted his tutor on the way here saying, could you come by and help me with this application tonight? So it's a group effort. And here's the thing is that he's not in the group of. That's his. You know what he does? He's the manager of the basketball team, which is like, exactly.

Exactly. He's a teamster. He just likes to watch other people do stuff. He's a fucking, my son did. His pants hang off his ass. Is he a little crack? Yes. As Jim Norton would say, he's a scallop. He's a big boy. But he's a sweet guy. Like, do you want a kid that struggles to get bees that's a nice guy or do you want an asshole to get straight A's? I think you and I discussed once about how our kids have high social IQ and that's sort of like what I'm doing. ache over anything else. I'll never forget it, Gregie.

We were at a bowling alley. We bowl every Tuesday nights as a family. My friend was visiting from Japan. His half Japanese daughter dressed like a Japanese school girl at 18 years old, cute girl. We're all just standing around. He just looks around and goes, hey, I don't think I introduced myself. I'm Mackie. I'm Jay's son.

And I went, what am I worried about? That's the kind of guy. He's a producer. Yeah, yeah. You know how teamsters have sex? How? Bring it back. Come on back.

Come on back. Come on. Does she have to go, you know, when he was little, he got one of his toys stuck behind the couch, and he went, he couldn't turn around,

so he had to walk backwards, and he walked backwards, and he walked backwards, and being, beep, beep, I was very happy. No, funny kids, look, AI is going to take

90% of the jobs, and I think I have not seen an example of AI writing comedy yet that is funny in any way. It's bad. Yeah. Like AI comedy is very thin.

It's very thin. The words are right, but you can't replicate soul, right? Yeah, yeah. And you can't, I think comedy is a moving target, and I think tone is changing, like, it feels like by the month. Like, you and I started out in the trenches, in New York, and you come up to Boston where it was even tougher. And we have to roll up our sleeves and be the quickest, cool,

toughest guy in the room to earn the microphone on stage or they just would ignore you. And now it's exactly the opposite. It's how vulnerable can I be? How much of my backstory that's dysfunctional can I share? And I want you and me, the audience, to be the same. I'm talking, but we're all sort of communally in this room. That's the new style of comedy. And they always got to tell the audience that they're autistic, but they're not.

Yes. It's always a girl. Yeah, right. It's always some girl like, well, you know, I'm autistic. I'm like, you know, I watch love on the spectrum. Yeah. You don't seem like the others. Do you watch that show, by the way?

Yeah. Greatest. I've ever watched in my life. We watched the Australian one too. Yeah. So Michael, the Australian star, his kink is, his thing is. He likes dressing formally. Yeah, yeah.

So when he takes his date to see. Don Wells from Gilligan's Island. She played Marianne at Comic-Con in Sydney or whatever. And he dresses like the skipper. And they wait in line all day and he meets Don Wells. So it's like the single greatest day of his life. That's amazing. Then like Dawn Wells gets COVID probably from that trip and dies.

Then the next season, like halfway through the season, he meets like his friend, the Normie girl that he pals around with. They haven't seen each other in like eight months. And she goes, hey, Michael, have you been? He goes, Dawn Wells died. But like she might be a suspect. And you've never been ruled out. It's like a year has gone.

Dawn Wells died. How have I been? John Wells died. I'm in love with that guy. No, I do this. I've worked for about 15 years with a group called Best Buddies that helps people with intellectual disabilities. Yeah.

And so I've gotten to know a lot of them and you hang out with them. We'll go bowling as a group or else. I just got, I was just named the best buddy champion because I was one of the top 10 fundraisers last year. It's really what it comes down to, isn't it? The matter of your time, your energy, your heart, it's like, can you raise? I got a plaque. But they deserve it.

I've always wanted to get involved with best buddies. Then I go to a 12-step program and I work with a lot of best buddies. Right, right, right, right. Yeah. But my point is the love on the spectrum people come to it because it's a lot. so it's all the famous people that are on the spectrum. They're famous now. They're ballers.

Yeah. They walk around and they'll, as soon as they meet you, they'll be like, follow me on Instagram, blah, blah, blah. And they sell merch. Do they really? Yeah, James, the blonde guy that lives in Boston with his family. I wish you wouldn't say adult beverage. That insinuates it somehow by drinking alcohol, you're more mature.

And the dad's like, you're not going to win this one, James. the parents are amazing yeah yeah yeah I love I love first of all how do you feel about when they set somebody on the autism spectrum

on a date up with somebody with Down syndrome yeah to me that seems almost like interspecies dating it's like an Italian and Irish no it's like a cheetah

with a raccoon like it just doesn't match to me and then the one guy who was it Mark in Australia he's obsessed oh no it was Tanner who goes to like he works around Clemson and South Carolina and he works at the hotel.

And he's very fired up. And I love, I love the zoo and I love that. And he's sitting across from a girl with Down syndrome. And he's just like apes and monkeys because they look like us. And he goes on and the girl's just sitting across the table from him. I'm like, you know I'm retarded. Yeah, I'm not taking any of this in. Like, and he read the room, Tanner.

Yeah. I don't know. But then there was love in Australia. That's literally what it is. they can't read the room. That's why they give them all those cues. Like, if they say this, then ask them about themselves. The coach ladies on that show, Jennifer Cook, I think is her name.

She's a miracle. She's incredible. Yeah, yeah. Like how she knows how to correct. Spectrum speaker. Yeah. When she's just rolling tennis balls at the girl, every time she asks a question, she rolls them. Oh, right, right, right.

And then she goes, it's too many balls. She goes, right. Yeah. Now, just roll me one ball. And then on the date, you see them actually apply it. If you haven't watched Love on the Spectrum, it's like every episode is like the end of Rocky where you're like, yeah.

Yeah. And it's also like a moment when they're on a date and a restaurant. And one of them always goes, I have to go to the bathroom. And they don't have to go to the bathroom. They just can't take the... Yeah, that guy, Connor met Georgie. And they like fell in love. And he walks to the bathroom,

forgetting his mic is still on. And the whole walk to the bathroom, you hear him going, where have you been all my life? But he's autistic, so then he says it in Latin and Italian also. Yeah, yeah. I love, it's the, I'm, I'm so happy with that show. Like, come on, we need another season.

That's the thing. It's like, you just feel joy. When you start with people like that, it's just the, there's no cynicism. There's no judgment. Oh, my aunt. It's all positive energy. My aunt was special. Well, actually, Nikki, my ex-wife, her aunt.

So by marriage, she was very cynical. was hilarious. She was cynical? Yeah, like she's like too interesting for me. Oh, okay. We were at Ralph Swans and the guy checking the, it was me and her and the guy checking the groceries was bald bald and she's just staring at him like this. Yeah. And the guy looks up and she goes, you don't like bangs. Amazing. Once she's got her thumb on the remote and it's just going to go to go to channel channel channel channel and somebody comes in and goes, what are you watching, Chris, she goes, the blob. Like, that's what was on in that exact moment when they asked.

The blob. I'm so happy you do best buddies. Well, the best was I went up to Boston. I flew to Boston one time to do a bike ride from Boston to Cape Cod to raise money. So the night before. How far is? How many miles sat? I didn't do the whole ride.

They dropped me off halfway. Some people started, you know, the real... But how long is it? You know, it's eight hours or something. So I did like this, I did about four hours. I did the second half of the ride. But the night before the bike race, they had a touch football game at Harvard Stadium. And all the Patriots kind of, Tom Brady was like a face of best buddies.

Huge best buddies, yeah. So he gets all the Patriots to come down and play a touch football game against, well, mixed in with the special needs people. So it's the buddies and then it's some celebrities, which they were dragging the bottom of the They call me. And so we split up into two teams. And I've got Edelman on my team. I got Tom Brady on my team. Gronk is on the other team.

Oh, my God. And so we huddle up, and Tom is so, he knows everybody by name. Everybody hugs them. And he says, okay, Terry, you go out, run out to the right. And Jeannie, you go to the left over there. And then I look at him like this. And he goes, what the fuck? just go out.

Don't look at me. So he calls the play. I love your. And then you'll sign my cleats. Yeah, yeah. So he runs a couple plays. And then on like the third play, I'm running up the right sideline.

I look over my shoulder. And I see Tom Brady looking at my eyes, which immediately you just get a buzz. And a boner. Yeah. And he just tosses this tight spiral. It's floating like a butterfly through the air. I got my arms out for just a basket catch.

It's aimed right over my shoulder. And I'm just like, don't trip, soft hands, bring it in. And it hits my hands, and I bring it in, and I catch it. And then there's two best buddies in front of me, and I deeped them out, and I scored a touchdown. And I look back and Tom Brady's got his hands in his face going like, what the fuck? We're playing to win. I'm with you. Beat it, pal.

I would have stiffed on him to shit out of that kid, that big head. Can we get some ace bandages for this kid for his ankles? Timmy from South Park needs a nice pack. Well, you know what I love about like special needs on South Park? Like Timmy and Jimmy, do you watch it? Jimmy's a comedian. He's got like little braces and he's like, oh, what a great audience. But I love that they think he's hilarious.

Yeah. Like he does like impressions of John Travolta and all the South Park kids are like, ah! Like it wouldn't be funny if he stunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like he kills and he makes the other guy jealous? Yeah. I'm like, I would have totally juked them out of their shoes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're big shoes. Yeah. And there's a kid, I do this benefit. You got to do it one year. I would love to. I do this benefit for them I've done for many years. And there's a kid named Chris Tenney, who I kind of mentor as a stand-up comedian.

And he does it every year and he does 10 minutes. And this kid crushes. And it's not sympathy. You know stand-up. There's no sympathy laughter after the first two. laughs. Like if someone's famous and they come out and they, you know, do a couple of jokes like, and they're, and they're not bringing it. It gets uncomfortable. It gets uncomfortable. If you're famous and don't kill, it gets uncomfortable. Right. So, so anyway, he legitimately right. And he does,

you know, some of the same, but he has a lot of new material every year. His father's really funny. What's his name? He helps him. Chris Tenney. And he comes out and he crushes and, I mean, people at the end are clapping and standing up and tears. Could you make a go of it? I, you know, I've never brought him to other gigs outside. We do it at the store in the main room. He's never done it. I don't think off that stage. But I should bring him out on another gig and not tell anybody that he has, that he's

let him tell it. Yeah. Well, he does in his act. He talks about it. Yeah. Keith Rezzis got that great joke. He goes, I have Asperger's. I knew I had it as a kid because all the kids were making paper airplanes.

I was making paper airports. I heard that joke and I went, holy shit. Like, I wish I wrote it. You know who loved him was Norm? Norm used to bring him. Norm loves him, yeah. Yeah. He, I was just going to ask you something else about that benefit specifically.

I would love to do it. Were you going to ask how much do I get paid? No. All right. Who cares? All right. Are you still? Yeah, you're on the road still.

I'm in the middle of 10 weeks right now, 10 weekends in a row. I don't. It's a young man's game, dude. It is a young man's game. And I got to the point where. Oh, yeah. I just saw you on Instagram in the snow on your way to Jersey or whatever. Yeah.

And I was in Atlanta this past weekend. And I, you know, even though I'm only two weeks into the 10 weeks, I'm looking at the other eight. And I'm just like, there's like an anger. There's an alienation. There's a loneliness. And I was such a cunt in the green room. And I never am. Not in the green room.

But there was a guy. Yeah, green room. There's a guy that came out. A guy, he videotapes. You could have stopped right there. Yeah. As soon as you said there was a guy. they came out. I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah. Go tell me.

So this guy, this guy emails me, and he's videotaped me in the past. And he said, do you want me to come out? I'd love to videotape you again, you know, for free, just to do it. I'm a fan. He's a big fan. He's a really nice guy. So he comes out to the, so I said, I actually am good. I'm good. I don't, I don't like people photographing and videotaping. It's very distracting. So it's the 8 o'clock show on Saturday night, and it's packed. And the first guy goes, up and chokes on his own vomit. Second guy goes up and flat lines.

And I'm in the back going like, this is the Saturday 8 o'clock show. What the fuck is going on? And this is a hot club. The punchline Atlanta is a hot club. So I go out and I mean, I got my sleeves rolled up and I'm like, I am going to, you know, this is going to, I'm doing Krav Maga on this crowd. This is going to be a street fight and I'm going to get them. And it took me half the set to just get them laughing. I mean, I'd get little, I'd get little laughing and they go away.

Well, thank you. That's crazy. So I am, and you know what those crowds are like, every atom in your body, you are conjuring up. You're making split second decisions about your volume and who should I be looking at? Should I do some crowd work? It's sorcery. Right. I'm grabbing bits from seven years ago, like my closers that I gave up on seven years ago.

I'm bringing those back to the neck. And I'm getting them. And then I look out and the guy who I said I don't want him there is there. And he's got on a Greg Fitzsimmons T-shirt, a white Greg Fitzsimmons T-shirt. And he's sitting 12 feet in front of me in the middle of the crowd taking pictures. And it doesn't sound like a big deal, but you know that that's a big deal. Because I can't have any desire. I can't have any energy leaking anywhere except for trying to connect to this group of people.

or that particular night? No, when I ask somebody not to, and then they do, it feels like a violation. It is. Was I wrong? And then I didn't yell at them after the show, but I go, dude, that really fucked me up. I go, I ask you not to be here.

That's called healthy boundaries. Yeah. But I would have said it during the show. I couldn't because I, because when you put that negative energy out on a crowd like that, they turn on you even more. Like, it's so hard. If a table is loud and the whole crowd can hear,

it, you can go after them and the crowd's with you. Yeah, you're right. Right up front and they're talking low. That's the problem because nobody else knows that they're repeating every punchline. And you're like, go, shut up. Right, right. And I was like, Jesus, why was he so mean to that table? So I was afraid to come off in any way except.

And then you're conscious about how you're standing, your posture. Like, can you see me through these glasses? Yeah. Every weird thing goes, like, it's so crazy. Yeah. You're doing bits and going. Yeah. Like, maybe this will be good for my real.

It's the worst. It's the, listen. And then the business, I got to tell friends of mine, you got to get it through your head. The business, as we understand it, is completely over. Yeah. You go, hey, I can't get booked at the Irvine Improv. Yeah, fucking Tube Sock Tommy's there from TikTok. He's killing.

And Teabaginis. Right, right, right. And the gorilla twins are coming in. They're huge on Instagram. It's like, who are it? What the fuck is going on? I know. And I did a gig in San Diego, and I go, who'd you have your last?

He goes, oh, man, we need to ad shows. I'm like, who was it? He goes, the guy from 90-day fiancé. I go, was he good? He goes, no, no, no. They don't care. Yeah. And then every improv is drag brunch.

Yeah. It's like, what business am I in? I know. Well, I don't mind the brunch. Here's what I don't like is when a club starts bringing in regular shows, you know, like the 8 o'clock, Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday. when they start bringing those acts in for that. Well, they do.

Yeah, the bad clubs do because here's the thing. Bring them in at 3 o'clock on a Saturday because their viewers are all teenagers anyway. It's easier for them to do it at 3 o'clock and you're not stepping on your regular. If you're the Irvine Improv and you start bringing those shit acts in on a Saturday at 8 o'clock, you've got 30% of your audience is passively coming because of the improv brand and they trust that it's going to be a good show. Oh, yeah. They see that show.

They're not coming back. It's bad for business in the long run. They had pro wrestling at the improv. Did they really? Like off brand. Yeah. Back in the day, for sure. Damn.

I was like, I don't know. Remember when we were coming up, there was a soap star that was doing it, that we all, everybody, I mean, we back then, people were vicious. People used to go after Carat Top. Carat Top's great. Carat Top's great, but it was so easy for people to shit on Carat Top. Like you write it. Yeah.

You see how you do writing that shit, putting teeth marks in a frisbee and fucking pulling it. I can't, I get, I swear to God, I'm laying in bed, I watch TV, I put my remote down, three minutes later go by. I got to get out of bed and look for my fucking remote. You think I'm going to find a cell phone with a pacifier attached to it? A toilet ball with a time and the ear banner underneath? Well, let's keep going. You think I'm going to find a course. on the cob attached to a mouse trap with a mousetrap on each end.

You think I'm going to find a fleshlight that hangs from my ears? You think I'm going to find glasses that cut off the width so my wife looks thinner? Oh, very nice. That might be the topper right there. You think I'm going to find a gay pride flag with dude wipes? You think I'm going to find Bucketeeth that have a bottle? opener attached on the collar. Bucketeet seems to be the circle back for him, right?

Like, that's his... Well, because there's the redneck. You know you're a redneck when. It's a similar audience. It's a Jeff Foxworth. If your family tree doesn't fork. You might be... And then the Wayne's brothers had, you might be ghetto if.

Oh, they did? Yeah. It was funny. Did they do it in living color? No, it was a book. Oh, no shit. I'm pretty sure. I don't know which Wayans.

I think it was Marble. Carolyn and Sean, the usual suspects. What would your version of that book be? You know you're a Jersey guy? You know you're an addict if. You know you're an addict if. You know you steal someone's shit and help them look for it. You might be an addict.

If you're a dick, if you have two assistants and no job. I just, this is a, you know what? Maybe. Yeah. You might be an addict. If you're constipated, but you've been eating nothing but fiber and taking laxatives. Oh, yeah. If you see prostitutes while imping.

If you see a prostitute on the street and she knows your name. Yeah. Oh. If your dealer drives you to a meeting, maybe. He cuts you off. Yeah, I hear a lot of stories like that. Jerry, my friend Jerry was a cracket and his dealer goes, my wife says you're a bad influence on me.

Really? He's like 80. We call him Grandpa Crack. Damn. It's amazing. What would yours be? You might be Irish. You might be Irish.

Yeah. You might be Irish. You're and I love you, dad, though. I love you, dad. Like, you tell your kids you love him and stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah. Although, here's the crazy thing. Jojo, who is charming, interactive.

We said high social IQ, but I walked over. I got off the road and I came home on a Sunday and I went up and I gave her a big hug. And as I'm hugging and she goes, you're going to cry now? No, that's a jersey girl. What are you talking? I go, where the fuck did that come from? And I go, do you not like hugs?

And how do I know at 22? How do I not know? I never thought you was a good hugger. My son goes in hard. Me and my son, Tom Brady got shit about this. Me and my son kissed on the lips. We peck each other on the lips and we haven't seen each other in a while.

And then we go on for a deep hug. You know, it is what, you know. Yeah. We used to when he was smaller. and then now he's it's funny like when we go to the gym in the morning like he'll do a machine over there and I do a machine over here and we switch so it's like a circuit training and I'm like I got my Celsius my coffee my air pods and listen to Sabbath I'm fired up and he's just a lazy fucking 14 year old so I go to give him a five like go to give me a five he just goes he just like touches it

like the back of his little baby hands I'm like bro yeah I tell my son all the time you know my used to tell me he goes what i go not much yeah yeah right my sister's visiting for the last four days and we sat on the couch it's just amazing to like reek when you go oh our dad was he was probably on the spectrum my father like incapable of listening to anything you say only tells you where buildings used to be uh-huh like if you lived in l a you just be like this used to be all orange groves Greg. Yeah. And then we were watching traitors.

Like we're watching traitors now. And my sister and my wife sat on the couch. They're like, you want some wine? Jeannie goes, I'll go upstairs and get a little wine. Comes down. They sat up. The show's an hour and ten minutes. One glass of wine.

And when the show was over, an hour and ten minutes, they both had that much left. And I'm like, you guys are fucking Martians. Yeah. They go, we're just enjoying our wine. I go, it doesn't look like it. Right. Looks like you're ignoring it. That wine is hurt right now.

The wine's like, hey, do you, you have brothers and sisters. Yeah, one brother and one sister. Do you guys ever, like, as adults now, commiserate about the parents? Like, that was weird. Oh, yeah. Like, shit you didn't know as a kid. Well, I didn't know. My sister goes, you know, Daddy was married before.

What? I'm like, yeah, yeah, what? You didn't know that? I don't know. Maybe I blocked it out because he wouldn't talk about it. Wow. My father, his parents died in their 40s when he was like a teenager. So he was kind of raised by his brother, his older brother, who was abusive.

And then he had no cousins. His brother never had kids. So I never met his parents. I met his brother three or four times. He was a skid row bum. He lived in the Bowery in a welfare motel drunk. And I don't know one single fact. about my father's childhood. He never talked about it. Really? Isn't that crazy? Like, he gave me a lot of

great life advice. My father was, he died young. He was 53 when he died. But he gave me a ton of life advice, but never any trivia about the childhood. We went to go see my dad for his 87th birthday, super healthy, and I bring Jeannie to meet him for the first time. Really? Recently. Two summers ago. Okay. They sat together for an hour and a half, half, he didn't ask her a single question. Really? It was all just like, yeah, you know, this one route I take, I used to take to the post office, I don't, you know, there's an on-ramp.

And, you know, it's just, it should, a story that should come with bad breath, it's so boring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that I, you know what I mean? Like that I haven't eaten metallic breath. Yeah. Like, only people with bad breath tell a story that fucking boring. It's not like she's interested.

at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In his defense, he may not be asking, how's his, because you've got the mind of a sponge. He's very sharp. He's fine. Oh, he is. Like, his mom lived to be 101, had a steak dinner, rolled over and just didn't wake up. Okay. Crazy. Wow. I got good jeans. Good for you. You, not so much. No, I got, I, I did. Is your mom still alive? My mom's doing good. Good. That's the McCarthy side of the family, but yeah, the Fitzsimmons side, I keep an eye on. Oh, you're super. You're Irish Square. man. Dude.

Yeah, 99% I took the ancestor DNA test. Really? Before the grandparents. What was the 1%? Asian, Gangs Khan. He got around. That blows my mind.

Yeah. You know they were all related to the Mongols? Like, they say something like a third of the world has Mongol blood in their DNA. Because they literally, they were...

You mean the motorcycle gang? Yes. Mm-hmm. No, they currently have semen from the Mongols inside of them. No, they were... That stuck up on me. Sorry. They had Asia.

They had Africa. They had Europe. They were everywhere. I really want to go on that show, Finding Your Roots with Lewis on PBS. Uh-huh. Because, like, the celebrities they get, sometimes I'm like, I got to look them up. Right. But it's like, then your great-grandfather.

was actually an SS officer for the Nazi. Right. It's like, oh yeah, who found that out? How about they found out Terry Cruz and a white actor who I like, they were cousins. Yeah. Like a pasty white guy like you and me and Terry Cruz. And he turned the page, just a picture of Terry Cruz, like, all fired up flexing. Yeah.

And then it's always like any black guest, you're going to find slavery. And it's just like, that's got to be such. Like, we don't ever have to deal with that. That's got to be such a kick in the nuts. Like, so he was owned by this white guy on this phone. And you're like, Jesus Christ. Well, they have an ancestor DNA for racist people. And what it does is it traces you as it keeps tracing you back and back and back

but to stop one generation short of black. Is that true? No. It should be. It should be. Because like in the mafia, you can't be made unless you have Sicilian blood, right? Right. Is that the thing? Yeah.

But when you said he was a bum, your uncle. Yeah. I was just talking yesterday with a friend of mine, David, and he goes, he had this great, my idea that I said on Corolla was, let's go back to calling them bums. Yeah. Because I can live with being unhoused for a while. Yeah. But I don't want people going, well, you know he's a bum.

Like maybe you don't want to do that so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then he took it a step further. My friend said, you know, like Skid Row, just have a big sign. Welcome to Bumville. Or like, welcome. This is where the bum's. buy out all the vendors and merchants.

And if you're a bum outside of that area, you get to pick them up and take them like, no, you're out of your, like this is. An arband or something? Ooh. Going back. Yeah. Going back to the thing.

Uh-huh. What's what the world today? Let's talk about the issues. Well, I mean, it seems weird on a podcast to not because it's all we're thinking about and it's such a, like, you know, dominating. But at the same time, like, you talk about it, and then half your audience goes like, Hey, fucking Lib Tartor.

People don't agree on math on Instagram. Right. Like if there's a, okay, what's the answer? Like, math problem? Somebody goes, 18 people write it. And it's like, you guys are fucking idiots. It's not 18. It's 11.

You're in the pocket of big math. Illuminati. I know there's not an Illuminati. I would have been in it. You don't think this is an Illuminati? Don't you think my wife? a fucking gentile, female, hot blonde billionaire? They would have recruited her a long time ago.

Yeah, that's true. Dr. Bus? Yeah. His name sounds like a bond villain. She's close to a lot of black people, though. Who better to infiltrate? Oh, right. Dr. Bus.

These sharks look hungry for Secret Agent. Oh, dude, you can be part of the Illuminati. You go to that island off North Carolina. Oh, I'm just hoping there was another island. Yeah. Everybody's up in arms about Eftsian Island. Aren't they all just jealous? Oh, yeah.

Because it wasn't all little kids. It was a lot of Melania Trump's. It was mostly Melania Trumps. What's that? We're both being, I'm being very careful with what I say. They, what was it? Louis C.K. goes, you know, it's 18 for a reason. You think they've picked that out of a hat?

If we could fuck 16-year-olds, none of us were going to work. Like, you think they just picked that name? out of a hat. And by the way, people are so up in arms about Epstein's island. Hey, you know where the real island is? You know where the big island is? Vatican City. How come we're not protesting outside of there? How come they still have tax-exempt status? That's insane. How come world leaders go and take pictures with the heads of that Epstein island? I'd love to go to the Vatican. I'd be so star-struck if I met the Pope. A Chicago Pope? Well, remember they invited like, oh, I know, the Chicago Pope. Right. But like, bro, what are we talking about? What? What?

with your fucking bears pissing it. Did you watch, when's this come out? Yeah, how can you be, how can you be a Pope? How can you believe in God and be a Bears fan? I'm a Jets fan, so I don't, I, oh, yeah. To me, every time I watch third down get converted, it's like a magic trick.

Like, you can do that? Well, I haven't seen their punter for like six minutes. Yeah, meanwhile, the Jets punter, he has to change cleats halfway through the game. Changes his underpants. Did you watch the, everyone's mad that the bills, they're like, they got robbed on that cat? I think so, but here's my take on it.

You've had six cracks at this. Yes. You finally get a sixth and final crack without Pat Mahomes. Get the fuck at. Go. Go away. In snowy Buffalo. Get out of you.

Get out of you. Get out of you. Get out of you. Get out of. He had four turnovers. That was just, that happened to be the last one of them. What about the other three? Yeah.

Like, get out of it. Enough. My dream is to one day watch a sporting event, preferably football, with Jay Moore. Oh, let's do it. You must be so much fun to watch sports people. I'm fun to watch anything with. I talk shit watching naked and afraid.

Yeah. Can you watch naked and afraid? Yeah. I just sit there, I've got an ice cream sandwich. I'm like, that's not even how you make porcupine. This guy's an idiot. Should add water first, stupid. Wait, you get ice cream stuck in your teeth?

You never get it off your fingers. You got to scrape it off your fingertips? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to scrape that little wafer off your fingertips? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the only, that wafer and an ice cream sandwich That chalk doesn't exist. You won't find that anywhere else on God's Green Earth.

Nope, no. It's always hard. Where do you find that? It's only on an ice cream sandwich. I could eat six of those every hour. It's also like when you get chicken stuck in your teeth and then you poke it out, that little morsel of chicken is way better than any of the chicken. Oh, you lost me on that one.

You eat it? Oh, I nibble it with my teeth. Do you ever nibble it off the floss? Yes, always. Everything on the floss gets eaten. Do you ever flush your floss? No. Mike's white sheets a toss.

What? I'm like, what are you doing? That is like strangling a turtle with your hands. Enough of the fucking turtles. I get my straw back. Oh, are you that guy? But it's absurd. But isn't it absurd that it's not that big a deal to just switch to the...

Isn't it not that big a deal to switch to the... I'd rather not have a straw than a paper straw. But how about a paper straw, but it's in a paper wrapper? So you're doubling the amount of... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember when you were a kid, they said every year the rainforest, the size of New Jersey, disappears. Yeah, that was 1980, they told us that. Yeah.

So there should have been out of tree left on. They lied to us. Right, right. I mean, I think the environment's important at all. Yeah. Let's fucking get rid of plastics or something. But I don't want to be inconvenience. Ice bothers me because my fucking car wash clothes because nobody would work it.

So there was like a month I'm like, okay, now I'm against ice. Right, right, right. I could drive around in a dirty Mercedes. Yeah, I know. My laundry's piling up. Let me go to the garage and wheel out the dune buggy, yeah? Did you ever see you the, Jesus Christ, their Jimmy Norton's podcast when he had Voss and Colin on at the same time?

And they just fucking take a bat to Voss. Yeah, that was great. Oh, my God. And Colin just goes, you're not in the same business as us. Greatest line. Every time Boss does a joke, you hear Colin go, oh. Like he physically got like a pain in this side. Oh.

Oh. But nobody takes a beating like Voss. He's good at it. He is hilarious. Yeah. But I know his tell when he insult you and then he goes like, that's because of your stupid hat. Listen to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He says, listen to me. Nobody talks. Yeah, he doesn't let it breathe. And then he's just think it's like when you're doing me and Jimmy, we're talking about that. It's like when you're somebody always goes, you suck. You go, wait, I suck. I'm really just thinking about what I'm going to say when I repeat what they say. Well, Rickles always said.

Anyway, anyway. Anyway, folks. Fuck, let me turn this on my brain. Who's calling you? Boy, the guys. You got to take the call on the air. That's my rule. If your phone rings...

You don't want that guy. No. All right. He'll tell you what's wrong with the world. Well... Every day. Hold on. I got some things in my script I wanted to ask you.

I heard that when gay guys come out of anesthesia, they don't have the gay voice. And that made me very happy. And it makes sense because it's a learned affectation. So, like, I learned to talk like this. You know, girl. And then you come out of anesthesia and it's like, did it go well? That makes total sense to me. Didn't I fascinate you?

I can't tell if that's true or not. I heard that when gay guys come out. You heard. I heard. I heard. Yeah, no, no. That's the slogan of 2006. I heard.

Rogan made a good living doing that. That should be the name of the podcast. But think about it. Forget more stories. I heard. I'll tell you what I heard. I heard two of the stranger things kids are AI. You watching that with the family?

No. I said to my wife, I go, I can't wait until I didn't know it was going to come true. I go, I wonder when these kids turn 18, which one of them the network's going to make gay. Oh, right. And then I watch Instagram, my phone must have hurt me. And there's a meme of the kid being gay. Which kid? The fat kid.

Will. The kid that goes missing in the first season. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, you know, numerically. Did you see my post about that on Netflix? No. They got warnings, like warning, profanity, outdated cultural references, smoking. How about wanting to tell me, warning on episode three, there's going to be two guys smoking each other's dicks.

On which show? I'm watching fucking the last of us. Yeah. It's a zombie apocalypse. And you work a fucking gay love affair in multiple gay storylines during the zombie apocalypse. Like, shouldn't we all be running Instead of backing up? I know.

Beep, beep, beep. And it was Nick Offerman. Oh, no, no, no. It was Nick Offerman. There's some men, I was like, who's your agent? Unfuckable. Or the most fuckable. Who know?

If you're into a bear that works well with the arts and crafts. And these guys are in the woods. He shoots a duck. He skins it. He does it. He's got a nice cocoa van with the fucking wine. I'm like, Yeah.

They're gearing up to fuck these two. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Meanwhile, there's fucking zombies screaming through the woods. Yeah. And they somehow have this bucolic little farm carved out where they're left alone. Oh, the best neighbors you'll ever have. Yeah. Ever have gay neighbors?

Oh, yeah. It's fucking incredible. And Koreans. Koreans are good. They always have that chain across their driveway so you can't back up and go. They're very territorial. A lot of wheel of fortune always on. Yeah.

No matter what time. a day and there's always that little plastic chain across the driveway like don't even think about it. And their lawn doesn't have ugly chairs on it because they just go into that squat. What is that? That's why they live so long. It's all core strength. We just watched that document.

This whole episode, I'm just going to tell you what I'm watching. Greg. Who knew Jay Moore was such a, you know, media gadfly, you know? Anyway. Wait, getting back to gay sex on screen, because I feel like you've, you've

become a little bit more conservative since the last time I've talked to you. I'm just tired of, like, every show. I don't mean it in a bad way. I'm glad. I'm glad. Every show, I've become a bit crumagony and it is on the right. But, but, and I don't mean that as a pun, I am very liberal. Grew up in a bleeding heart liberal family, and I'm not, I'm not a snow flight by any means.

And there's certainly a lot of things. Like, there's a lot of things I fall more on the right on than I used to. But gay sex on screen, I still have a very hard time. As much as I accept and embrace gay people and gay relationships watching two men make out or... Greg, there's a warning. If there's straight sex, there is a warning. Yeah. Yeah.

Nudity. Yeah. Well, why is it bother you so much? But it's fucking shocking. Don't... That's the thing, too. Don't act like I'm out of line because seeing... something that goes against my

fucking social moral compass and genetic DNA. Yeah. Like if I go oh, see, like there's a guy wearing a dress over there. Wait, don't make him feel uncomfortable. How did that get fucking turned around? I'm in Starbucks with my kids. Yeah, but wait, what do you mean it's against

your social moral compass? You're against homosexuality? No, we're in show business. You know, we don't give a shit. Right. But the thing with gays is they want us all over, for the most part. there's pockets of the country that are like, beat it. You mean they want you gay?

No, they've won us over on their side. It's what I do behind closed doors is my business. And over time, we all go, they're right. Right. They're right. Trans is what I do where you get your Starbucks is my business. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That doesn't work that way. And you get rights, but you don't go to the front of the line. Yeah. My son's school, which I won't say what it is, there's a billboard for that school with three circles and in each circle is a child. One of those three circles is a trans kid. Yeah. Yeah. Like, what are we doing?

No, I'm with you there. But I don't have a problem with a couple trans people hanging out of the Starbucks holding hands or whatever. I think if that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is don't act like I'm like a fucking man. maniac because it takes me a minute to get used to. Right. You got to give us a minute. You got to give us a minute. Like you missed, I was at a meeting on the beach. Well, I think that's where this whole insane backlash against the woke movement, because the woke movement was misguided in a big way. Yes. I think that the remedy for racism was yelling and shaming. And I don't think that what's the

end game here? Do you want punishment? for past beliefs? No. Do we want, no, I'm not saying you. I'm saying society. I'm saying the woke, the voice of the woke movement, wanted shame and culpability and punishments. And everybody, and you get fired.

You're not allowed to make a living anymore. Well, yeah. And it really backfired. And I think it created Trump. It created a wellspring of people that were angry. They voted against Kamala. They didn't vote for it. I don't think, I think more people voted against her than voted for him.

Well, I think both times. Yeah. I think that's fair. But you go on a Zoom meeting and it says he, he, him. Yeah. Under your kids, teachers, square. It's like, yeah, I'm looking at you. Right, right.

And then somebody says, they. No, that's plural, stupid. Yeah, I'm not going to change from singular to. So Jay Moore does not like the they. It doesn't, it's not real. Yeah. It's the backlash going the, other way. I was on a meeting. I can tell you're in the other camp maybe. No, I'm not.

Oh. No, the they thing to me feels like it feels like it's pushing something in your face rather than making an adjustment to. Greg, they is plural. Yeah. Like, let's just go logic. I'm a they. That doesn't make sense. You come up with a different word. The Sclar brothers walk on stage and they go, we identify as they, them. I love them. I love them. I love them. They'll send me, you know when people send you memes and they suck? Yeah. They never miss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They send me shit. I'm like, thank you boys. You guys are sports fanatics. No, it ain't sports. They'll just send me some coked out Mexican guy outside of a pool hole. Like, if you guys are pool shooters. Oh,

really? That guy, J-Rodd, yeah, he's great. Let me get in this. Is it a text thread? No. It's just here and there. Oh, you're going to. Start a text thread with all of us? Yeah. You don't want to. Why not? You do? Okay.

Yeah, with you? Yeah. I'm very judicious about my post. You have to be. Because you got... I got a friend Mikey Fitz. I texted it today. Oh, don't get me started on that fucking guy.

I said, Mikey Fitz, I go, you gotta, I go, I go, you're overposting. You're overposting. Because it's a pretty big text thread. There's about... Because guess what happens after that? When they start overposting, you start getting songs. Yeah. Don't send me a fucking song.

Right. I'd be listening. to it if I want to. I got what I listened to. Don't send me, this is a really great episode of this thing. And don't emoji a statement in a group text. I've done that. That's fine. It's a thing on my

phone. Then all said eight people heart and I got ding, ding, ding, ding, like I just hit the fucking lottery. Life's hard for you. Oh, shut up. You were just complaining about they, them. Yeah, that's a real thing. That's not a real thing. It is to me, damn it. I think life is about picking

your battles. It's real to me. What did you get upset about? It's not my battle, but here's how I act. I'm on a meeting on the beach, big circle, 200 people. I see a new guy, so I'm friendly to him. I go, hey, you know, and he goes, this is, I don't know, it's Star. I go, hey, Star, good to see you. I'm just putting my chair down on the sand.

And he goes, they have 60 days. And I go, okay. And I pick up my chair and I walk all the way over to the other side. It's nonsense. There's one person sitting there. You're telling me they have 60 days. But who cares? I care because I'm going to get it wrong and then you're going to hold me accountable for getting it wrong.

I can't even get my Asians right. Are you Japanese? Do I fucking look Japanese? Yes. Right, right. Although I have an uncanny. I play a game in the audience play called Guess the Asian. It's hard.

I did it in my last special. No, it's not for me. Female Asians, I guess with alarming accuracy. Well, that doesn't surprise me. 85%. Well, that doesn't surprise me because. we look at them a little more acutely than Asian men. Yes.

Yeah. The men I don't even. Koreans, Koreans always the wilds card for me. That's the one when I go Japanese, they go Korean. Koreans have the biggest faces, the widest faces. Thai? Tire, narrow faces, high cheekbones.

Wide nose. Slightly bigger lips. Wider nose. Okay. How do you? Look at your face. Hold on. That was like we were on past.

Last word. Okay. Croutons. Carrots, lettuce. And the thing is, I can't. Answer it. Lettuce. Crutons.

Salad? Okay. Here's the thing is I can't deconstruct it for you. I can't. You just did. No, but I only did that because that was what you were doing. But when I do it on stage, when I do it on stage, it's from here. It's from here.

Oh, yeah. I look at an Asian woman. I guessed Laotian on the second guest last weekend in Atlanta. Yep. Oh, Asian. Greg goes like this. Yeah, Japanese. What's your favorite?

What's my favorite? Filipino. Yeah, they're the winners, right? Well, they're the largest breasted. And in the wild, I mean, a lot of the Chinese will get implants. But, I mean, organically largest breasted. is the Filipino. Asian women with sea cups,

there's no answer for. Yeah. They would have Greenland already. Yeah. If they ran the country. We'd be like, leave her alone. I don't want her to stop coming to my gym.

Do we talk about this already on mine? Am I a fetish guy? What gets you nuts? What gets me nuts? Is there something she could say? Is there a role play you like? I am such a big fan of sex that I never felt like I needed to go to a higher level

with a fetish. Like I am just, every time my wife, I had sex with my wife yesterday afternoon. And I just, every time, I just want to thank her at the end of it. I just want to go, that was so kind of you. I wind up thanking her. You do.

Why can't I last longer? Yeah. Like, you would think as you got older, like the senses would deaden. Yeah. It's fucking. bad. And then you do that stop in the middle of it. You hit

pause. And we got a lot to take out you and I. Are you done? No, I'm not done. This is act three. About to start. I don't get that. It's bad. It's bad. Because also I'm in love. Well, because I'm in love. You don't really make love as a guy. It's always conquer, conquer. What can I get

her to do? Well, you know, and then you meet the Barbie still in the box and you're like, I think she's really into me. After two years of marriage, I think she really loves me this lady. This is wonderful. Dawn Reynolds died. It's so funny that you just said that. I had that thought yesterday that, you know, it's crazy because we just had a 25th anniversary last year.

I still feel like, because when you're a teenager and someone likes you for the first time, dude, the oxytocin that gets released in your young body, It's there's no reason. That's why kids fucking kill themselves after breakups when their first love, you know. But I still feel a rush of that when I think about that my wife still finds me attractive, laughs at me. I get off the road. I unpack my bag. She sits on the bed while I unpack and then I go watch football. She doesn't like football.

Sits on the couch next to me for hours. On her phone, just doing something else. Yeah. Parallel play. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's intimacy. Yeah.

I tell guys all the time, if you look up the definition of intimacy, the word sex isn't in there. Like that's real intimacy. Coexisting, closeness to, you know, but is the flip side of that, do you ever get that weird knot in your stomach? Like, is she mad at me? I like, what's? I wake up with that sometimes. No. That's why I stopped jacking off.

Oh, you did. I would feel the next morning like. I feel shame and guilt when I jack off. Not in the moment, but the next day, I get a little performative. I put on a little like, hey. Want me to butter you some toast? Yeah. Yeah.

No, no porn, no pull. Well, that's because you're Catholic. What Catholics have that? Presbyterian. Didn't you convert to Catholicism? Yeah, that's true. But I'm not practicing at all. Yeah.

I love Catholicism. Hey, me too. John Willsard. That guy meets her parents, and he always wants to go to England. Yeah. And he goes, anyway, you like to go? And she goes, Poland. And the parents go, oh, we didn't know that.

Why? She was in Poland. And she goes, Auschwitz. And he goes, he does a big fucking face at her. He's at his face in the camera. He goes, he fucking turned into Jack Benny. So you don't ever have that thing of like, my wife, is my wife annoyed at me? My wife has a very interesting personality.

She's the most non-non. she doesn't carry shit at all. Mine doesn't either, but you don't, so you don't get it is the answer. Yeah. Feeling like you're in trouble was big for me.

Yeah. You don't get that. Did you feel like that with all your partners? Or just with her? Just with her? Because I was too busy playing hero.

You know, you were performative before and now you're being real so you're feeling it. Yeah, it's probably, yeah, it's like hero victim perpetrator, hero victim,

like, oh, I'm the best, I'm the best. I'm not getting to, thanks I think I should get. Go fuck yourself. I'm back. Yeah. Right.

That's exhausting, huh? I'm great. Relationships, it's a lot like how I play chess. Great beginning. Uh-huh. In the middle, I kind of lose interest. A lot of shit gets past me. Yeah.

And then I just fucking lose. Then you flip the table. Yeah, maybe I should have. Yeah. I got no issues with the exes. We're good. Yeah. Yeah, I'm lucky.

Yeah, you are. Well, you know, you're a state. end of guy. You take stocking yourself. You're very forthcoming about, you know, making your amends. And so I'm sure, you know, they respect that. Making amends is great. People are really afraid of it. Like, I can't. I got to make amends. I'll tell my guys, they make the list of who they need to make amends to. And I'm like, you know what's amazing? There was somebody on that. When I made my list, there was somebody I got like a knot in my stomach. They're like, yeah, it's this guy. I go, yeah, that's what's going to be first. And they're like, oh. But it's always, we need, I told you when I made

mens to bury cats. Yeah, tell the story again. I love it. I make amends to Barry. I go, look, I sullied your reputation. You had to bend over it backwards to make excuses for me. I drained your time and your energy, but I just want you to know I don't live like that anymore. And if there's anything I left out, I hope you'll tell me. And mostly, I'll hope you'll let me know how I can make it up to you. And he goes, did you bring your checkbook? Did you bring a checkbook? And in my mind, do you look like like a propaganda cartoon of a fucking snore? Like someone, like I was in Munich and I wanted to close this bakery. I was outside.

Did you bring your check, man? I felt like Borat at the fucking bed and breakfast. I'll tell you off the year. I have a similar story about making amends to somebody and they did the same thing. I'm just kidding. I won't say the person's name, but I had badmouthed this guy for long. You know, we all have like a nemesis coming up. Like I think it's, I say to young comics, find a guy that you're competitive with and make him the enemy.

And every time something happens good for him, make it hurt you. And every time you defeat him, you fucking celebrate. Or at least, at the very least, it makes you step your game up. Yes. And I'm overstating it. But be competitive is my point. Competition brings that the best in you. And so this guy, I got like that with him.

And then over the years, we became journeymen. We've both been doing it for so long. I love him like a brother. I'll tell you after this show. Anyway, so I had badmouthed him, and then I made amends. I came to him and I said, I... Are you badmouthed him, though? Yeah.

Yeah, we have no shortage of talking shit back in the day. And I think you get... But wait, let me finish. Oh, sorry. So I said, and I apologize for having spoken badly about you. And he goes, he goes, thanks for saying that, man. He goes, will you get me on the Stern show? I swear I got it.

it's amazing I've learned especially being with Jeannie there's a lot of this yeah a lot of hands out it's I've learned a lot

yeah you know and that's her shit yeah no matter how much you know no matter how much she goes like

no it's ours like yeah sure yeah sure I'll do the comedy magic club and the check is

$50 they make you get a check yeah and I'll come home and I'll go put this on the pile married to a real man brings it home

put that on the pot isn't that funny about our line of work though is like you know because I know you go out and you have weekends sometimes where you fucking kill it you bring home a nice fatty and then you go like

oh and then for three weeks I'm making zero like how many occupations do you just in the middle of your career make no money for a month you know realtor yeah

But realtor is a weird one Because it's the only one you put A letter in the mail To every stranger in your neighborhood Telling them like, I just got paid Yeah, that's right Here's your mailbox Let you know my fucking commission this month

That's funny Just let you know how I'm rolling Yeah Here's a picture of me Standing next to a nondescript house Holding a fucking corgi Sold over my shoulder You know my pretty

You know 3% of that Yeah Are you still in this? same house when I came over? 25 years. That's a nice little neighborhood. I drive by your street when I cut past near the Santa Monica airport.

Yeah. Do you hear planes there? Oh, wait, no, no. We actually, I shouldn't say 25 years. We bought a house 25 years ago. We sublet it for three years. And we're getting work done. And then we moved back in.

So you saw the house that I was subletting. My house is in Venice. You'll see it. You'll see it. The other one was what? What's that called? Westchester? Marvista.

Mara vista? Yeah. I'm in Playa Vista. Yeah. The biodome. It's not real. It's crazy. Yeah.

It's so great. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what part. You'll tell me more specifically. You'll come over when you do the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have questions for me? I've been hogging your time.

Hogging my time. I can't tell you. You're one of my favorite podcast guests that I ever have on. I'm dead serious. Really? I love hearing that. You're fucking sharp. You're connected.

You're honest. You're funny. Isn't it weird? Thank you. And it's so frustrating. for a guy like you and me when you have somebody on and they're like, yeah, yeah.

It's like, don't you know how this works? Yes and no question. Like, they answer you with yes and no answers. You wonder why you never did fucking panel in your life? Just do your act and make it seem like it's a fucking piece of conversation. It's an essay question.

Yeah. It's not a true, false. It's an essay question. It's like having your son on the podcast. Can you say who the worst guest you've ever had was? I can say mine because I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I had this woman on. She was a daily show.

Say let. There you go. Don't be broads ruin everything. And she was, she kept trying to shoehorn political stuff in when that wasn't the vibe. And it wasn't funny at all. It was just pedantic. And I, it's the only podcast I ever did not put out in 15 years. It's the only one I didn't put out.

And honestly, I'd say her name, but I can't remember it. Right. I had the lead singer of Wolfmother. Andrew is something. He's an Australian guy. But he is Wolfmother. It's like he makes all the music and then he's got a higher band to go out. Yeah.

And every fucking question I asked this guy is like, oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Like questions, these are layups. I don't give a fuck who you are. What three, give me three covers you'd be thrilled to go on stage at the Roxy tonight. Just bang out. Yeah.

Oh, wow, wow. Yeah. Like, you're like a fucking, like a spacehead pothead in Annie Hall. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wait, I'm getting a call. Who we got? It's Walgreens.

Your Flomax is ready. I'm not going to be sad this week. What are you on? I want a cocktail of things. I'm just a flow max guy. How's the erectile dysfunction with that? I guess not a problem if you're popping early. Buddy, it was an issue for what I was using.

It was bad. Yeah. And now it's just, it's okay. But I still get nervous about it. Like, that's why I like appointment sex. Because I think of a, like, if it's like, hey, you know, tomorrow at seven, we're doing it. And then the trick is like, your instinct is just to immediately start checking off. You do get horny.

Yeah. When I'm in sex, you start getting horny. Do do do do do do and you just march closer to it. Oh, you've got a drummer? Up front? Yeah. It's like Revolutionary War. I got a flute.

You realize how fucking bad we were at war for how long that we sent a band out first? Everybody quiet. In bright red outfits. In the snow. Yeah. Holding big flags above the fucking marsh line. Yeah. In a straight line.

And then after all. that, they would fight, and it was very gentlemanly, there would be a surrender for the battle, and they'd let you just go. They didn't always take soldiers. They would just sort of disperse. And you'd say in there shaking your fist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the best was like the battle of, I forget the it was right outside of D.C. And it went on for so long that all the like genteel people would show up with them with parasols. Yeah, they watched it like a launcher.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crazy. Yeah. The things this country used to war, hangings. Yeah. Like somebody gets sentenced to death or like just black guy said hi to a white woman? Yeah. What's going on in town square?

They're going to hang a black guy. All right. Oh, great. Bring the kids. Kids just having a picnic. Going back to the old wars, though, I thought since obviously this. Antietam? Antietam.

Antietam. Was that to war? Was that to battle? No. Appomatics? Nope. Something else. If I had a third, it would be fun.

Is my solution? We're having another Civil War. That's pretty obvious. I think it's, is it next week or is it the week after? And when we have it, I think so we don't lose 600,000 people this time. We do the war, but the only people allowed to fight are current Civil War reenactors. In the gray uniforms, in the wool in July with scaties, single-shot muskets. Rebel Y'O.

Saturdays between noon and 3 p.m. and the only times they fight. I like that. Yeah. That's a good idea. Yeah, yeah. Everybody's arms. So it's like maybe that will be the big detraction.

What do you call that? When people won't do it because of like. Deterrant? Deterrant. Maybe that'll be a big deterrent because people don't realize the second amendment is actually brilliant. We can't as a country ever be invaded. It will never work out because even if you completely demolish our military on the coasts, everybody in every home is armed.

Yeah. It's, it's, you'll just get taken out. Right. And you don't know who or what from where. Especially if the enemy goes into schools. All right, so listen, Jay. Normally I ask these questions at the end, but I like it. No, no, no, you have to because I got a question out of your question.

Who's my closest Asian friend? That blew my mind. That was a good one. I still don't have an answer. Yeah. Unless you include Indians? Nope. Utkarsh.

What do you know? TV role would you most have liked to have gotten? Or a movie. I'll include movies. I can see myself as Hawkeye on Mash. I'd be great. I'd kill that role. Well, he was Gratja.

Yeah. Wise cracking surgeon with a heart of gold. There was Gratia, then there was Bugs Bunny, and then there was Hawkeye Pierce. Same guy. Yeah? Yeah. Or one that I actually auditioned porn didn't get. Yeah.

How about that one? I mean, it's all of them. Did you? Did you guys? Did you guys? Did you guys? Did you guys? out for friends? No. No. TV was more like movies where I'm like I just I went out for

song sung blue best movie I saw this year by the way. Kate Hudson better win the Oscar and I read for like his like his dentist slash manager it's fucking old Jewie Fisher Stevens. I'm like why am I am I reading for this? Yeah yeah. It's a great movie you and your wife would love it. Really? Yeah. It's so funny. I watched the Golden Globes this year and I realized. I didn't know any of the movies. Yeah, they all stink. And there's no hype for them. They don't promote them anymore.

The business is all. You get it. Yeah, it's over. So like Robert Duvall, the business is over. Who's the worst opener that you ever had on the road? I won't say his name. Yeah, you have to say his name. He was bad.

He was really bad. He was really bad. Like, I'm sweating like a virgin and a dildo fow. factory. Why would a virgin sweat in a dildo factory? That doesn't make sense. It doesn't make any sense at all. She's still a virgin. She can use a dildo. But what? She doesn't use them, is the point. Yeah. And also a big fan of dressing a certain way and going, I know what you guys are thinking. Right, right, right. Like, what's the bouncer doing on stage? That wasn't one of his jokes, but something like that. Well, that was the first question

I asked you on this podcast. What do you think of this hat? I wore the hat. I chose to wear the hat. You always look good in a hat, though. Thank you. Yeah. But it was a little bit of a, you know.

Last question. Then we have to go. You look like you should be walking a turtle and get back to Winnie the Pooh and friends. There we go. Anyway, I mean, what do you want to tell you? You look like Christopher Robin? I didn't know the dad from family guy was going to be doing a podcast. Oh, Greg.

Oh, I'm doing it too long. Maroon and blue, I don't know. Last one, because then I have to go do the Adam Carolla show right now. I'll be there coming in right after you. We got our own little podcast on his substack. No. I make more money on his podcast than on my own podcast. No kidding.

Yeah, beat it out. We just bring half bits and fucking beat them out. Good for you. At least somebody's making money over there. I just did my hundreds appearance on that show. I'm the most frequent guest in the history. Just raid the fridge. Take shit out.

They think it sucks. I know, I know. I go in the back. I always come home with books. Oh, that's good. Because he don't read him. Yeah. I fucking love his.

That guy's been good to me. No, he's great. And I really feel like I don't know anybody more prolific. You bring up any topic. He's got a rant on it. That's good. Well, that's the thing with low, mid-German in the 14th century. Yeah.

When he starts tight in those eyes. Yeah, yeah. And I think I'm like the only guy that tells him, oh, shut up. and he seems to tickle him. Well, he's also like, there's no doubt he's on the spectrum. When he closes the eyes as he's thinking, are you kidding me? He's, I don't know anybody, literally, I don't know anybody with more content. It's impossible.

Yeah. It's a computer program. Think about how long he's been doing it and he's never run out of material. Right. And then you find him about his family. They all have names like Olog and Uncle Ubu. He's raised by gypsies. They're all like Romanian immigrants or something

And like his fucking dad wore glasses with no lenses in them All right last question True And then we got to go because I'm supposed to be there at one What time is it now? Yeah you got to go right now You're fucked Have you been arrested?

Yeah DUI when I was 17 Oh It was the night It was the day before my 18th birthday And I remember telling the cop If you wait 90 minutes You won't have to call my parents Didn't work

I lost my license. If you wait 90 minutes, then it's, then it's an adult charge. Well, I was, I didn't say I was smart. Yeah, but more importantly, don't let my parents know. Yeah, Cedar Grove, New Jersey. But that's when a DUI wasn't a big deal, right? Yeah. Yeah.

I lost my license for six months. I took the bus to my restaurant job. Uh-huh. Then you got it back. Yeah. Nowadays, it costs you 50 grand in lawyers' fees. J.M. I drive all the time now.

Uh, Jay Moore's podcast is called Moore's Stories that I'm, uh, I've done. I've probably done it a couple times, right? Two or three, yeah. And now I got another one coming up. We talked about me coming back. Yeah, I'm going to have Kyle reach out to you to book because if I'm in charge of scheduling. Okay, good.

Do you have a booker? No. It's been a godsend. Yeah. You can use mine whenever you want. I might take you up on that. Yeah, why don't we do that? Like, well, if you do his, you do this one at the same day.

Oh, I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Like, if you do Edelman's, you should do Gronks. Yeah, like I got, well, you just had Norton. Norton's coming out. I got him coming out in a couple weeks. Oh, he's fucking, we made fun of Keith for a half a hour.

I'll tell you off the air who, like, some of the great ones are. Like, Andy Richter, people like Andy Richter, like you would know, you have no idea how he is on the podcast. I did a movie with Andy. Yeah. Your podcast with Keith remains my single favorite episode of any. Keith Robinson? Oh, after a stroke. I was like, it was in the grocery store.

I had to, like, lean on shit. Yeah. I don't get no credit for a stroke. God damn it. You were just fucking. him like like where's where's my parade me and norton just killed him stupid keith he's not even that funny to have to put fucking railings in that's what i said to jimmy he goes we've all said it i go v and edwards has a stroke

you build a ramp guy's fucking great keith stinks he's not ramp worthy no no they didn't do a ramp they just did railings they knew he wasn't rampworthy Jay Moore, I'm cutting you off right now because I have to do this for another hour, but we'll do it on your podcast soon. Yeah, I love you, buddy. Thanks for doing this. I love you too. My man.