Fitzdog Radio - Jeff Garlin - Episode 1123

Episode Date: January 14, 2026

This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew. Save 10% off your first month with Promo Code: FITZDOG at BlueChew.com Greg Fitzsimmons kicks things off with some classic FitzDog ranting before hanging out with his longtime friend Jeff Garlin for a loose, funny, and thoughtful conversation. They bounce from the Golden Globes and the weird state of podcasting to music, comedy, relationships, and growing up, with plenty of side stories and honest moments along the way. It’s the kind of episode that feels like eavesdropping on two comics just talking and seeing where it goes. Find Jeff on the road at https://www.jeffgarlin.com/ Follow Jeff on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jeffgarlin FitzDog Radio is produced by  @GothamProductionStudios  and is part of the Gotham Network Produced by @mrmatthewpeters https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz 00:00 Opening Riffs & Golden Globes Recap 02:59 President Life & Wallet Musings 04:39 Cleveland Recap & Rock Hall Stories 08:36 Sinead O'Connor's SNL Performance 11:39 Catholic Church, Awards & Culture Rant 13:10 Introducing Jeff Garlin 14:50 Growing Up: Childhood & Bar Mitzvah Tales 19:05 Family Money, Moving, and Adolescence 23:05 Comedy Beginnings & School Days 27:34 Age Gap Math, Relationships & Virginity 32:24 Food Addictions, Road Stories & Sobriety 39:09 Comedy Friendships, Clubs & Residuals 01:12:41 Fast Balls: Career Reflections & Awards 01:17:39 Real Estate, Residuals & NY Apartment 01:20:28 Mental Health, Friendship & Comedy Bonds 01:24:41 Closing Thoughts & Jeff's New Book Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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See Golden Nugget Casino.com for details. Please play responsibly. Hi, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. It's been a fun week. Golden Globes were last night. Shout out to Mike Gibbons, who did a great job. Nikki Glazer had amazing material. He was the head writer.

And Dickie Egan did a great job writing on it. And people seem to like it. They didn't like the two gay guys gossiping about the winners on their way to the stage. Nobody watches Golden Globes. I mean, whatever. People don't want to see award shows anymore. Nobody's seen any of the movies. We've seen some of the TV shows, none of the movies.

And then they gave out an award for Best Podcast. Are you kidding me? This is the lowest form in the entertainment. There's never been a more male-in act of entertaining other human beings than the podcast. You got filmmakers in North Korea, you know, sneaking cameras in their assholes to shoot the fucking abuses. And then editors working for no money for two years in their basements to put it out. And then you got Amy Poehler asking, who the hell was it?

She was asking some actress, what time she eats dinner. It was like, oh, yeah, they should probably get the same trophy. Yeah, Gwyneth Paltrow. Hey, Gweth, what time do you eat? 545. Really? I eat it 6.50. And the winner is.

The golden statue goes to the hero. And then Amy thanked her production company. I'm sitting in a fucking guest room in my house on a Zoom. This is what podcasting is. She thanked her production company. That's what's happening now. Corporate America has wrapped. their fucking greedy fingers around the grassroots art of podcasting.

And now it's these big studios and fucking, you know, Jason Bateman, all these guys, you know, making $100 million deals and agencies commissioning it. It's gross. Amy said, I want to thank my studio for their belief in my vision. Your vision. What time does Gwyneth eat dinner? What was the vision behind?

And look, I love Amy. Don't get me wrong. I think she's supremely talented. And I knew her many years ago. I haven't seen her in a while. But I mean, and I'm not shitting on her. I'm shitting out of fucking awards. Anyway, I was thinking about this today.

Do presidents, nobody ever talks about the day in day at life of a president. Does the president of the United States carry a wallet? Do you just put your wallet in a drawer for four years? Keys? I mean, what would you possibly need cash for as the president? It's filled with paper that's got pictures of other guys that did your job. And many of whom were murdered while working the job you're working now. I mean, you just, it's never like, hey, I got lunch.

Now, I got lunch. Lunch is on me, guys. Or you never even go, shit, where, where the fuck are my keys? Where did I, where the hell are my keys? How am I going to get in the White House? And there's never a surprise. For four years, everything. There's never like a knock at the door and you're like,

Who's at the door? Who's at the door, honey? There's no surprises. You know who's at the door. You will always know secret. There's never a surprise party. You're not going to have a surprise party. If the president walks in a room and 20 people jump up behind pieces of furniture,

Secret Service is going to pull out weapons and mow them down. The party will be killed. They will be the saddest birthday party. all time. I was just in Cleveland for the weekend. Thanks for the crowds for showing out. I hit a lot of bonuses, which is nice. When I sell out shows, they give me extra money.

And I brought some of that home. So thank you guys for showing up. And I went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which is, you know, there's a lot of cities I go to and I don't really leave the hotel, especially in January in the Midwest. There's not a lot of reason for me to venture out. But I work Cleveland every year for 25 years. And I always go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And there's always stuff I haven't seen.

And right now they've got an exhibit of SNL, all the musical acts that have performed on SNL. It literally, there are video screens where you put on headphones. There's a few headphones for each screen. And then you can tap the screen and choose literally any musical performance in 50 years of SNL. And so I stood there for two and a half hours, my feet in the same spot standing in front of the screen,

just punching performances that I remembered that I loved. But the first one I watched was Shenei O'Connor, not the one in 92, where she ripped up the picture of the Pope. This was in 1990, she did a song called, called, this is the last day of our acquaintance. And I pulled it up and she comes on the screen. And it is just her with an acoustic guitar with her head shaved. And she is staring down the barrel of the camera.

It's just her with an acoustic guitar staring at this camera. that just as the song progresses, just pulls in tighter and tighter. And it's just the toughness of her with a shaved head mixed with just the delicate femininity of her beautiful face and these dark, intense eyes. And she's just singing this song about breaking up. It's about emotional loss. and it just keeps building.

It's so, and it builds. And then about a minute from the end of the show, it's just her strumming guitar. The band, it's just, the song can't stand the intensity anymore. And the band just crashes in, the drums, and she's strumming. And then she goes into this punk rock Irish jig, jumping up and down on the stage.

And she's so petite. but so fucking powerful. And as I'm watching it, this girl comes over. She's about maybe 14 years old, little overweight, and she's got on a, a Taylor Swift shirt,

and she puts on the headphone. I'm the only one watching it, and she walks over and she sees it, and it's pretty, it draws you in. It stops you. And she puts on the headphones to watch, and she starts listening.

And this is before, the band kicks in and she's just gearing up and she's watching and i can see her watching and then the and then and then the music kicks in and i just look over it and her fucking jaw is hanging down and the mother comes over and the mother taps her on the shoulder and tugs at her arm to go to the next exhibit that girl did not even move her head she was locked in and and by the end of the song i mean i got tears of my eyes and the girl puts the headphones back and I just see this looking her eye like

that Taylor Swift shirt did make it back to whatever shit town she's from down in Texas. I think that thing's in the bottom of the closet because she gets it. That little girl gets it now. She's moved on from Taylor and maybe her adolescence entirely. unbelievable performance.

Watch it on the internet, if you can. What a fucking goddess. What a powerful political, poetic. I mean, I can't. And then two years later, she rips up the picture of the Pope and gets canceled. Her whole career fucking ends. Because she, who was abused in Ireland, a country where sex, abuse by the Catholic Church was rampant as it was around the world. And she picked,

she ripped up a picture of a Pope who was complicit in moving pedophiles from church to church to church to church as they continued to perpetrate these crimes. And she had the audacity. Everybody's so up in arms about Epstein's Island and the list. You want to talk about Epstein's Island. I hate to say it, folks. A lot of you have been on it. It's called Vatican City. And for generations and centuries, I looked it up. Between 1950 and 2000, 4,392 U.S. clergy members had sexual abuse allegations against children. Of those 4,300, only 1,000 were reported to the police by the church.

of the 1,000 that were reported, 252 were criminally convicted. So, I don't know. You want to find a list? You want to find a list with Prince Andrew on it? You're not going to. That list is gone. The billionaires will flush it.

It won't see the light of day. And it's fucking drops in the bucket compared to what, whatever. You guys don't need to hear of this. But let's just, let's look at where the problem really is. And I know, I got shit last week.

I talked about Christianity and I don't know. Some people gave me a hard time, but it's out there. All right, listen, my guest this week, what am I doing? Coming to Cleveland. Oh, Jesus. I got an ad to read also. And we got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10% off your first month of Blue Chew Gold.

With code Fitzdog, that's F-I-T-Z-D-O-G. That's promo code Fitzdog. Visit bluechew.com for more details and improve. important safety information. And we thank Bluchu for sponsoring this podcast and bringing so much joy into all of our lives and our women's lives and our guys' lives. If you're gay, everybody's life is better. So get into it.

Okay. Also, I'm going to come into your town, Atlanta Punchline, January 15 through 17. Austin, the mothership, January 30th through February 1st. Then I'm coming to Sacramento, Philly, Lexington. Houston, Fort Worth. It's all at Fitzdog.com. My guests, today,

good buddy of mine, I've known for many years, who is really one of the great comic minds. He helped create curb your enthusiasm and has starred in it all of these years. He was the star of the Goldbergs. He was one of the stars of Mad About You, Arrested Development,

Toy Story, all the Toy Story movies Daddy daycare, wasn't that him? Wasn't he daddy daycare? He's got so many credits. I didn't even look him up. That's just off the top of my head. You're going to love him. Please enjoy.

Jeff Garland. I went to a camp called, I swear, in Chicago, tween trails. No, Florida, tween trails. No, Chicago. I don't remember. What do you mean when you were a kid? Yeah, we lived in Chicago and South Florida. No, it was Chicago.

Tween Trails. Tween trails. That sounds like a strip club. Well, everyone were there was like, you know, 13, 12, 13, 14. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I actually enjoyed my time at tween. Was it all Jewish? I don't remember that.

You know, even as a kid, I didn't really pay attention to that. Were you bar mitzvah? I was bar mitzvah. What was that like? The fond memories I have of my bar mitzvah, no kidding around. are being with my extended family. Yeah. That was really nice to spend time with a lot of relatives in Canada.

I'm doing the map. Canada and Chicago and a lot from Toronto. Anyhow, it was really cool when I look back to spend time with them. In terms of I hated doing the Hebrew. Yeah, the Haftora, all that shit. And then my bar mitzvah speech, which, I just reuse my dad's bar mitzvah speech. You did it in English or in Hebrew?

No, the bar mitzvizv speech, you do in English. Oh, I say. Although I imagine some people do it, you know. Wait, so how did you know what your father's bar mitzvah speech was? Well, he had it. My dad, my dad was remarkable in that he, like he knew the movie Bullet by heart. Really? For me, as entertainment, I go, go ahead.

He would say the lines either right before by a second, or he would say him at the same time. And I was like, how do you do that? So he memorized his bar mitzvist speech and still had it in his head. And then, but I was so nervous like me, you know, and I was a gregarious kid. And I was nervous as can be. And then the bar mitzvah party itself, I had a lot of friends there. But I was constantly having my picture taken.

Constantly. Yeah. Jeff. And so all I remember from. the bar mitzvah is taking pictures. Yeah. So there's your, oh, and then it was kind of cool to get money. But we weren't rich, so the money that I got had to pay for the bar mitzvah.

My friend Tom, who's a character, he's a pretty famous writer. He wrote a book about the Manson murders called Chaos. And Tom is probably 64. and he crashed a bot mitzv. By the only, I'm 63 and my girlfriend is 44. Because they don't know how old I, when I said the whole thing of the age. Yeah. Nobody knows.

I could be with a, I could be 51 with an 18-year-old or whatever. No, I'm 63. She's 40. Well, you know, the quotient is half your age plus seven years. So you're 64. So that means... 63. 63.

So 39 should be the youngest woman you're with. And she's how old? 44. Yeah, you're good. Yeah, that math. Someone somewhere made up that math. No, no. Check it. Check it. Give me a year. Give me an age. Any age. Right. 80. Forty-seven years old should be the youngest you date. How about 20 years old? Youngest you should date is 17. Oh, because there's a math thing of that. Where does that come from? What equated with the same? Half the age plus seven years. It was Escalis. The ancient Greeks came up with that. Then I believe it. Yes. No. But also remember, hold on your horses what the life expectancy was back then. Right. So, uh, yeah. Here's what I know. I think your life expectancy is a lot shorter when you're dating a woman who's less than half your age because you got a father coming after you.

Or vice versa. Someone your age, you can beat the ground. Yeah, right. Yeah. No, no, no. It's good. But wait, getting back to Tom O'Neill. Yeah.

So he does these fun things. On Sundays, he just starts drinking around noon, and he has a big thermos, and he fills it with booze. And then he'll walk down to like the Venice boardwalk and he'll just like interact with homeless people or tourists or gang members. And he just like, he's just like a wild man. And so. Alcohol will do that for you. Well, it'll take the calmest man and make him a wild man. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sober. So keep going. So he goes to this bat mitzvah. He just, walks in, him and two friends. They walk into a bot mitzvah. Right now. This is awesome. In Beverly Hills at a fancy hotel. And he's videotaping all these.

Because, you know, the bat mitzvahs today. It's like they got a fucking hype. They got a hype group. They have like five people that are going, Hey, yeah, come on, Jeremy. Hold on. Hold on. I've been to one.

Oh, my God. So he's videotaping all of this. And then the interaction where, and he's stuffing prime rib in his jacket pockets. and then he's getting thrown out and he's videotaping. He's insane. That's just like a typical Sunday for him. But you say typical Sunday for him. That's a typical Sunday for his alcohol.

Because there's a great chance he won't remember. You know what I mean? It's just like... Wait, tell me about the bat mitzvah you went to. Oh, there's numerous ones. And there were ones where it was my kids' friends. What's the most high-end bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah you ever went to where you were just like, wow, they really went for it?

Well, I get recognized. requests to make videos by people for their presentation. Right. So they get famous people to be. And they pay you to do that? No, you know somebody. It's a favor. It's either a favor.

No matter what, it's a favor for them, but it might be a friend of theirs. Yeah. I just do them. But no, they're all excess. I don't have any good, rich bar mitzvah stories. Yeah. Bat mitzvizs stories. I just do know, look, when I was a kid, I love those phrases.

When I was a kid, there were no gift bags even. a normal party. Yeah. To me, birthdays mattered when I was like elementary school, you know, and, you know, that was like, because you got ice cream, you got all this stuff. Yeah. There were party hats, woo, you know.

And then as it goes on and the gift, I mean, I've been to some elaborate birthday parties, let alone bar and bat mitzvahs. Yeah. It's just, it's excess. It's nauseated. Right, right. You know, as a kid who I was a, I was middle class. Yes, which kind of doesn't exist.

I was firmly in the middle class. In Chicago? In Chicago, yes. What town? I was born in the city, and I grew up in a suburb, Morton Grove. Morton Grove. By Evanston. It's up north.

Oh, yeah, sure. It's west of Evanston. Okay. Well, Skokie, Morton Grove, like around there, around Old Orchard. Okay. It's a shopping center up there. Yeah. That's been there since I was a kid.

My mom, here, give you access. So when I was younger, we had more money than when I was junior high high school. Really? Yeah. And so my mom used to shop for my clothes, and a lot of them did. Sax Fifth Avenue. And then she woke up one day and said, fuck this.

Yeah. And it was all Sears tough skins from then on. Yeah. Because I was athletic and I was a wild kid. All of it put together. I was known as the Garland Boy with birthday parties. The Garland Boy? They went to the zoo or something.

Got to keep an eye up for the garland. Boy. I remember... Maybe that's the name of the next special. The Garland Boy. The Garland Boy. By the way, I love stuff like that. But it's a, you know, there's so many specials that you don't, first off, you don't want to. Like, a lot of people, I see their special title.

It has nothing to do with what the title is. You know, it's not like... You know, what the best one was, Ari Shafir's one about being Jewish. What was it? Just called Jew. That's fun. And the entire stage was just candles. Did you talk about being Jewish at all?

It was an exploration of his Jewishness from a child all the way through adulthood. There you go. Yeah. There's a guy on the money. Yep. There's a guy who pisses people off. That's right. Yeah, I love Ari.

He's the best. He's a funny, original dude. Yeah. So you grew up, were you aware at a certain point that you guys didn't have as much money as you had when you were younger or do you just don't notice that as a kid? Well, it happened. My grandfather sold the family business. in Chicago. Garments? What's that? Garment? No. It was a plumbing supply that went on to be a multi-million

dollar business. He sold it, not telling my dad, who was like the president of the company, not telling my uncle who worked there, and he sold it for not a great price. That was classic, my grandfather. And so we as a family were like, my dad said, fuck winter. We moved to South Florida by Fort Lauderdale, Plantation Floor. How old were you? I was 12 when we moved. It was heartbreaking. Really? It was heartbreaking to leave my friends. And I have a clear vision of us pulling out of the driveway to drive to Florida.

And it was snowing. And it was beautiful when it snows. And looking at my house in the rearview mirror as we pulled away. Rosebud. Yeah, Rosebud. Yeah. I had a nickname for my house, Jojo. Wait, but you're so identified with Chicago.

Well, I'm in Chicago. Well, what happened was. So we go to Florida. My dad goes into real estate instead of the family business, and then he becomes a legal administrator. Point being is we had ups and downs. Yeah. And they were within the middle class, but they were top of the middle class, bottom of the middle class. Right.

It was this. And most of my friends where I live were wealthy. In Florida. In Florida. They were wealthy. Like their parents drove Jaguars. My dad drove a Mazda Miser. A Mazda Miser.

Which was a gasoline because the gas shortage is. Yeah. And with a stick shift, so I learned stick shift very early on, which my friends didn't know. But my friends never, you know, judge me. Yeah. I had great friends who I'm still friends with. No one judged me. Yeah.

I mean, I felt awkward. But the fact that no one judged me and I was comfortable was really nice. So I'm identified with Chicago, if you will, which I am, and I'm a Chicago guy. I only lived in Florida for 10 years, 12 to 22. Okay. Only. Ten years is a good chunk. But at 20, see, I started comedy of 20.

I was 20 years old. 22 years old, I moved back to Chicago. Oh. So you didn't do college? I went to University of Miami. I dropped out to become a comedian. How'd that work out for you? Well, to be honest, that's very funny.

But my dad, you know, especially later on, I don't know if it's true now, but when I became a comedian, it wasn't that it was unheard of. But Jews became professionals, business, you know, doctors, lawyers. And my dad wanted me to have something to fall back on. And I kept the argument. I go, Dad, if I have something to fall back on, I might fall back on it. Exactly. I go, and I've always been the funniest kid in school from, like, nursery school on, and I'm not making that up, always. So you were the funniest kid, and you were also a good athlete.

So you must have been a very, obviously you were a popular kid. Popular. Not hard on the eyes. Come on. Come on, look at you. If you like adorable, I am not hard on the eyes. I'm handsome. At least I'm not a handsome woman when they use that phrase.

Oh, that's a tough one. Well, you know what it is? It's an unattractive woman who's groomed beautifully. Yes. And has great sense of style. Yeah. Like a royal. Yes.

Yes. And so that's what a handsome woman is. Yes. They have a long jaw. They have bangs and they ride horses. I don't know about the bangs, but they do, they ride horses in a proper outfit. Yes. Boots matching.

Yeah. I'm just saying it's like it's a well-groomed. put together tasteful, whatever they're wearing is perfect, and they're just not attractive. Burberry. Handsome women wear Burberry. I don't know this. It's like a tweet. It's like a British tweet.

No, I know what Burberry is. Where do you get your information? Ten years younger than you plus three equals four. Seven. You know, yeah. Half your age plus seven. Every year plus seven. Pick an age.

50, 32, 32 would be the youngest you should do. But I would never think of someone 50-32 as being too old for a 30-2. No, 31 would be too young. I know. But nonetheless, I've already thrown shade on that from the standpoint of how long Greeks lived. Done. You know what's weird is my wife and I are both 59 years old. And I have not had sex with another woman for 28 years.

and so I realize like I currently have sex with a 59 year old I used to do a joke about that but the next youngest woman the next oldest woman I had sex with after that was you know 29 well wait a minute so you were married once before no I've been with my wife for 28 years

you said after that oh you mean before that prior to that yeah you said after that and I was like wait you're happily married yeah we need a float-chew Can we get a dry erase board up here for the podcast? Yeah, 29, but how old were you when she was 29? Actually, I'm off. When I was 19, I was dating a 40-year-old. So the 40-year-old is the second youngest.

Okay, I lost my virginity. Virginity, because it was a journey. I lost my virginity to a heckler. That's how much a comedian I am. I lost, I was 20 years old. Yeah, 20 years old. a virgin of 20? Yeah. You know, I just was. Oh. You know, I had girlfriends, but I was mostly the best friend of the prettiest girl in school. Did you get hand jobs in high school? Uh, not really.

No. No, it was not, I didn't have a serious girlfriend at any point. And like I said, I was the best friend of the girl who was in love with somebody. Right. And you were hugable. And I was. And I was, was huggable and I was supportive and I was warm and so I but now we know as adults that supportive and warm is a positive attribute in terms of marrying something like yeah but when you're younger it's like and then you know guys would go how and this happened numerous times I'll say I'd say at least a half a dozen times I was that guy and only once did I become the boyfriend of that guy which lasted two months. Prior to my marriage, no messing around, my longest relationship was two months.

No shit. I'm going to say three words. I'm a lot. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, my ex-wife, and my ex-wife was, I don't want to give that up because same age. All right. 16-year-old, half the age is 8 plus 7 years is 15.

16 year olds should date anybody younger than 15. It works no matter what the age. By the way, when you're in high school, people think it's a reach for a senior to date a freshman. Oh, crazy. Yeah, but it's not. I knew a lot of 17-year-olds who dated 15-year-olds or whatever it was. Yeah, but 18 and 14 is different. No, no, there's no eight.

That's senior and freshman is 18 and 14. No, it's not. and 14 is eighth grade. You might go. It's 15. Yeah. It's 17 and 15, really. Yeah.

But it started with 17 and 14. Yeah. Yeah. I guess. I don't know. Point being is I'm not justifying to be a teenage pedophile. Because according to. We're going to run a Chiron underneath this in the podcast.

Jeff, not claiming to be a pedophile. No, I didn't claim. I was supporting, too. I didn't say me. No. No, you were 20 years old. I would have been happy to be... Wait, wait, let's get back to this heckler.

So you're 20 years old. You're on stage in Chicago. Okay, this is the craziest story. I'm on stage, and people say that, but for a comedian losing his virginity, and that's how much a comedian I am. I lost my virginity to a heckler. Because I thought of it when you said

that you dated a 40-year-old. So I'm 20, and I'm performing on South Beach in Miami. And South Beach back then was one hotel, the Carlisle. There was another one, the Cardoza, but the Carlisle was open. And where the comedy club, this beautiful club, maybe the comedy stuff. I don't remember the name of it, but it was on the first floor, and it was approved of a condemned hotel. Now I go in there, it's a luxury hotel, you know, and where the comedy club is is like a bar and, you know,

But it doesn't, you don't recognize it, you know. And it was great fun back then. Great fun, great fun, great fun. And comedy was full of potential and excitement. Yeah. So I go up, I'm emceeing, and I'm having a tough time. And some woman is just relentless with me, you know. And I see her and I go, why is she doing this to me?

You know, very attractive, but I didn't notice that on stage. Yeah. Like she was just a blur of shit. Yes. And she was mean. So afterwards, shows over, I go over to the Carlisle. I used to hang out there after shows, even though I didn't drink. Lots of ginger ails.

Yeah. I drank a lot in high school. I did. Uh-huh. I was, I got high a lot, drank a lot in high school in a messy way. And then once I passed auditions at the comic strip from Fort Lauderdale a week after my 20th birthday, I didn't drink for like 30 years. And then I drank to get drunk, and then I smoke weed to not feel anything. Yeah.

But I bottomed out on food. Yeah. It was doing AA, which is what I do, I put away the alcohol and the weed. Not difficult. Right. You know, what's difficult is the gray area of eating. Right. I've got a line, but it's a wide line.

Yeah. You know, and so I've stepped on the line. I've never crossed the line. We should step on the scale more than a line. line. Well, by the way, that's not how it works. And also, I love my weight on the scale. I'm, I'm less than my goal weight. Are you on a Zepic? No. Because you lost, you lost a good amount of weight. Well, I lost it. I take, what's it called? Mongero. I take Mongero, the lowest amount, which I think is 2.5. I know we got off. I was telling them. We're going to get back to the virginity

story. Because you're smart. I've got bookmarks. I've got a bunch of them in my head right now. So 2.5, okay. Yeah. But I started taking it after I lost most of my weight. Yeah. I was permanently stuck in the mid-240s. Yeah. And so I'm like about 10, 15 pounds lighter.

Yeah. I initially was taking five, and it's for my diabetes, nothing else. And I lost so much weight that I stopped taking it to put on a lot of weight. Like I went back. Right. And because you lose a lot of hair, even though I was. I have my hair. You know, there's areas here where I lost from losing weight that fast.

It's not good to lose weight that fast. Yeah. So I've done it. What the Mangero helps me with right now is to maintain my weight. Nice. There's no loss. And then as far as you're eating. And my numbers, my numbers go way down from my blood sugar, which is why it works.

Right. Yeah. Because being on the road, it's so hard to eat. I became ill. All the things, diabetes, all the health problems I've had have come from me doing the road. Yeah. It's like a rock star with alcohol or a rock star with cocaine. Same thing.

I remember, I was on the road with Jack Gallagher. Yeah. Oh, Jack. Yeah, yeah. And I'm on the road with Jack Gallagher. And it was in Dallas. I remember this clearly. And we used to stop at like a little mark to get snacks.

My snacks were, and I ate a. all of it, a box of fruity pebbles, a box of pudding pops, and a box of ho-hose. And I would down all of it with milk. No, I was an addict. Wow. I was, according to food, a hard partier. Damn. And that's what I bottomed out on. And I didn't drink back then. And I didn't smoke weed. I have to say that, you and I, we hung out in Denver together a couple months ago. Yes, we did. We were at two different comedy clubs. I'm sorry for laughing. Go back to the virgin in a minute. And, and we went out to eat. No, same club, different locations. Right, same club, different locations. And you were nice enough to come downtown. No, you were downtown. Right.

Our hotels were next week. But I flew in and I went right over to see you. And so I suggested, I think you said you want to go to a diner. And I was like, oh, I got a dine for you. There's a place called, I think it's the 337 restaurant. Great, great diner. No argument there. And by the way, the only thing I love more than a great diner, deli. Yes. And then the list ends. Yeah, yeah. Anything I like Japanese, like sushi, love Italian, what have you.

Yet my list is diners after delis. Well, maybe you should start one of those shows that everybody has where you go visit diners and delis on the road. Anyway, but I was going to say, but you ordered two entrees at that lunch. What I order? It was like a late breakfast early lunch, and I remember you had something with eggs. You had something with eggs, and then I think you got like a sandwich as well. Well, I got a bagel, probably got a locks and bagel. Maybe that's what it was.

Or what it was was, first off, I don't consider locks and bagel with a plate of eggs to be two entrees, even though it is two entries. So I don't do that anymore. Right. But I don't know if you paid attention. I guarantee there was food left. You didn't eat at all. No. You didn't eat all.

I eat until I'm... I think you took the leftovers. You gave it to a homeless guy out front. On the way. Yeah. Look at the bleeding guy? Who's the bleeding guy? The guy on the ground who was bleeding.

His head was bleeding. There was a woman taking care of him. But she looked like she was off her rocker strung out. Oh, right. Right. And you just thought, I don't want to touch her. is blind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I said, do you want me to call an ambulance? It wasn't like we were cold. Yeah. We talked to them, but, uh, yeah. I would do it if his life was in danger, which maybe it was.

I don't know. But, uh, no, we, I think we did a, I think we were very caring and loving. And we saw that it was in control. Yes. And we moved on. In control by a strong out lady who said she already called the ambulance. She did. Yeah. So, um, wait, all right. So, nothing like having, Having a strung out, oh, it's my eye doctor, won't be answering. I can't believe you could read that. In all sincerity, I'm one of those people who doesn't need reading glasses. Yeah. My eyes, I mean, look at all these little numbers on my camera.

It's a beautiful camera. Is it a Leica? Q3 monochrome. Beautiful. And it only takes black and white pictures. Really? There's no color filter on it. Yeah, Louis used to collect those Likas.

Yeah, Louis. Yeah, Louis and I, I saw Louis on Saturday. How you did? Performed. How was the show? Fantastic. Did you see Carol Leif here there? No, did she go?

Yeah, she went. Oh, I did not see her. I would have thought if she went, she'd be backstage saying hello. Yeah. And she wasn't. So I'm guessing she went on Friday on Saturday. Yeah. So anyhow, and it was great.

Was there a lot of people backstage? No, it was actually a Japanese couple that I didn't know who they. they were. Yeah. And it was Seri, my person of interest and me. And it was, the other ones were Flea, who I'm actually friends with.

Really? Really? Flea. Um, what's the director? He directed her. He wrote and directed her. Brilliant guy. He also did jackass. He does a lot of music videos over the years. Spike Jones. Spike Jones. Spike Jones. It was lovely. And another gentleman who I didn't recognize, but who was lovely.

That was backstage. Now I feel back because Carol Leifer emailed me and she said, I'm going to Louis show. And I just talked to Louis on the phone for two and a half hours a day before. And like, she goes, can you see about me going backstage? And I just said, I said, or me saying hi before or after the show. I said, I can just tell you categorically, Louis doesn't say hello before after the show. He comes in and he leaves. I'm actually shocked.

I'm shocked to hear the worst people back saying because now I feel bad hold on he's one of my best friends yeah okay he was only back there for 10 minutes and then he said I gotta go yeah yeah okay he had a conversation with Flea a conversation with Flea and I

and my girlfriend was my person of interest was talking to Spike and the other fellow was just lonely no I'm kidding but he was included in everything but yeah it was very brief so I said so I said then she goes will you let him know I'm going to be there I said absolutely. So I texted Louis. I said, Carol Leaf is going to be your show tomorrow night.

Great. And he just didn't reply. And I was like, yeah, he doesn't, he's not social. I go on the road with him sometimes. He never meets with people after the show. But also, he's peculiar in this way. So I'm with him backstage. He's got a couple more days in town. I go, you know, I texted him, would you want to get together? You know, I wouldn't leave him alone. Yeah, for sure. And then we had specific plans the next morning. And I never. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Which I'm going to give him shit when I talk to him. But, you know, yeah, it's tough being successful. Yeah. Well, I think, look, Louis is the reason why Louis is the best comedian in the last 20 years, and you can argue with that you want. I'm glad that you agree with me. Oh, okay. Good. He's,

he's the best comedian of our generation. Yeah, he is. And by the way, that doesn't take away from Chappelle's genius or anyone. No. No, it does not. No. But he is by far the most original voice. original voice, hardest working writer, and just IQ points on the way he structures his jokes. Like every other comic who's great, even Pryor, I love Pryor. I listen to Pryor all the time. But you're not getting the variance that Louis gives you. There's a difference between Pryor. That's true.

And Louis, and I'll tell you what it is. Prior to me is what they call the goat. Yeah. That stupid shit. Only I'll ease the goat. Yeah. I'm the goat accountant. Gratzky's the goat.

Yeah. Yes. Yes. You know, he is. He's the best player ever. But I like that ever. What Richard Pryor and Louis, what separates them, when you're done watching Pryor, you leave the building with Pryor in you. Yeah.

He gives of himself. Louis doesn't reveal very much. He does reveal some stuff, but in general, he's more about the joke. Concepts. The concepts are brilliant. Like, how did he think of that, you know? But, like, he said this thing that I thought was so funny. I guess the audience was scared to laugh.

He goes, you know where Israel should invade? He goes, Germany. Because if that happened, you go, oh, all right, I can see that. Isn't that great? But he comes up with those premises. Yeah, yeah. Prior was all personal. Prior was people he knew.

prior was his weaknesses. So you left with time. And all the characters that he did, including the animal actouts, were all vulnerable. Oh, that's his best bit, the monkey and the dog. Monkey and the dog. To me, that's the greatest single stand-up bit of all time. Yeah, yeah.

It is. You know, I'm going to be chasing you tomorrow. You know, yeah, he is the best by far. No offense to my friend Louis. But the reason I say that is, but Louis, being the best last 20 years, he can't fuck around before a show. He's focused. Yes. And after the show, he's also kind of focused. He's in the, like, it's almost like if somebody, my friends go, hey, I'll be in Atlanta. Hey, you want to grab dinner before the show? I go, great. And then how about

I, how about I drive to work with you on Monday morning and come into your office and kind of hang around your office while you're trying to roll call? What do you do? What if I get the stool out of your hands? That's a replay of a hack joke, man. I do agree with you, and that is the premise. You know, for me, I don't see anybody before a show. Never. But I could be eating pizza, and they go, you're on. And I go, okay.

You know what I mean? I'm loose. And the greatest example of that, and I think Louis backstage is loose. That's my theory. He's focused, but he's got it down. So he's loose. His intro that he does off the mic, he does a voice. And he said, our upcoming schedule includes Taylor Swift, which is funny for the Kodak

theater or the Dolby Theater. Taylor Swift, she'll be here. Oh, wait a minute. She just died. And she will not be. And he's off the mic. And then he says who he is. And he gives a warm intro to whoever's opening for him. The warm is from him, which is the only one person who's done that for me, by the way, Jimmy Fallon. Nice. Jimmy Fallon, I'm backstage of the tonight show. I'm going to do stand up. And I'm going to do stand up. And I say, where's Jimmy? What's the, what's the delineatio? What's the He goes, oh, he's out in front telling the audience how great you are and how hard stand-up is. And I went, wow, I am touched. And so I have a warm spot.

You know, I don't much dig him that much, but I have such a warm spot for him. Yeah. I would do anything that dude asked me, you know. No, I think Louis's thing is like backstage, he's loose and he's funny and he's whatever, but he's with comedians. Hold on. That's a safe space. Who am I eating the pizza with? Right. Comedians.

I am not. Yes, that's the point. And don't bring your fucking girlfriend in the green room before the show. Oh, don't bring. Or your boyfriend. Or even my best friends. My brother. Green rooms for the talent on that show.

Well, it's really important before the show. You know what? Carlin did this in one of his specials. He finished the special and ran out the side door and got into a cab. And I went, wow, that's beautiful. Yeah. I, after shows, I'm exhausted and it's hard for me to communicate because my head is in the stage space. Yeah. But I welcome people back, but I'm very quick. Yeah. You know, I warm. You want to take a picture great. But, man, that is a tough place to hang with people at all.

But I was giving you the example. You ready for this? Havy. This one, Havie was at. Alan Havey. Was at his top game. He had a show. He had a late night show. Comedy Central. Well, first it was the... At first it was on a network. Not the Haa Network, the Comedy Channel. Yeah, okay. Which they merged, and I think they kept the... What was it called? Comedy Central now.

HBO had a comedy channel that was called... And then MTV did. Yeah. TV was Ha, and the comedy channel was off of HBO. Yes, and then they merged into Comedy Central. Into Comedy Central. Anyhow, Havey was a very popular community. Huge.

And by the way, one of the best Who's ever walked the earth Fantastic. I mean, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Anyhow, I used to open for him a ton. Anyhow, he got us in Chicago.

He said, you want to go? I was living in Chicago at the time. And we went to the Bulls-Nicks semifinals, you know, because they were both Eastern Conference. And it was Bulls-Nicks semifinals. And it was later on a very important

game, especially for the Knicks. And the Bulls, so we had an all-access pass. So before the game, we start, no one stopped us at different time. We, because this was 90s, okay? And we're walking around at the Chicago Stadium like this, you know, it's oval. So the curving part, one side is the Bulls locker room. The other side is the Knicks locker room. So we go, we see the Bulls come out.

It's like, what the fuck? Jordan, all of them. they could have been having a party for I mean they didn't hey man they weren't like that but they were loose yeah oh man were they loose yeah there was no tightness you go around next come out they are focused yeah yeah right and serious and dower right there's no joy bulls won crush them yeah do you know mean it's like that to me is a great lesson I don't think I saw Patrick Ewing smile and 15 years. Well, by the way, I actually did a movie with him once. Really? Yeah, it was, we weren't the stars, but we were both in it. And he was very friendly.

Yeah. You know, but anyhow, yeah, before and after a show is sacred for a comedian. All right, so it's after the show. This woman has heckled you. Oh, back to Virgin. Look at you and your bookmarks. You and your goddamn bookmarks. I have a PA in the corner. Name Jojo? There's no one sitting over there. You have good people over here, someone who's learning, which I appreciate. And someone who's better than learned.

She was underselling her. A better guy and a learning gal. Paul is the least bitter human being I've ever heard. That was pure fake. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lovely man. Now, Paul is, what would you call him? An esoteric.

He's a transcendental esoteric. I do transcendental meditation. You do? Yeah. He does more transatlant. Transcendental drugs. Oh. They work.

Yep. But they're not good for you. Is that true? Drugs? Well. What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, drugs is there's a lot of categories of drugs. But even weed isn't good for you.

It's like you get lung cancer. Yeah. It's like a cigarette. Yeah. And then Coke. You know, a lot of people I know who are heavy into Coke got cancer. Really? I don't know if it's equated.

Yeah. Damn. Bad cancer. Like die. Well. So I don't know. What a way to go. bad for your heart, Len bias.

Yep. So it's basketball in the clip Celtics. Right. Yeah, Len bias fell dead. I had a heart ailment then. I saw Len bias dying and I had this thing called Wolf Parkinson-Wyce syndrome, which would cause tachycardia. And I rushed to the doctor the next day.

Really? And then there was a whole thing. And this is weird. They did what's called an ablation, which is they burn the extra pathway that causes tight tachycardia. It's not really evasive. So it's a heartburn. Heart burn, yeah. No, it's a vein or artery burn. Okay. There's an extra or electronic pathway. I'm not exactly sure. So I was the 72nd person ever to have this done. On the equipment, it said not for human use. It was animal, veterinary. Really? And in the first 100,

And this is true, and the three of us has been together. And this is like a rare thing. It's not rare, rare, but it's rare enough. Mitch Hurwitz arrested development. Michael Sarah arrested development. We were all part of the first group. No kidding. Yes.

Wow. Mitch, I believe, was 13. That's scary. Yeah. But anyhow, though 13's a lucky number for me. Work for Dan Marino. Although he never played in the Super Bowl. Is that true?

Oh, never played. Never. Miami Dolphins. And he was on some great teams. It wasn't because he ever shit the bed. Yeah. It was, you know, just it's hard to get to the Super Bowl. They went to the championship game numerous.

Don Shula, come on, man. 17 and 0. Well, how many, how many Super Bowls did, what's his name on the 49ers? Who is the great? Joe Montana? How many did he? get? He either won two or three. Oh, okay. And he was clutch. Yeah. The two most clutch quarterbacks I've ever seen are Montana and Roger Stauback. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So there you go.

So you're, you get off stage. Yeah. And I go down to the Carlisle and I get my ginger ale. I'm hanging out. Some guy goes, can I get your drink? I go, I got a ginger ale. Can I buy a second one for any? I go, yeah, sure. And then he says to me, my friend wants to meet you. I go, great. And she comes up to me and it's her. Yeah. I'm so sorry, you're so adorable. I was so mean. Can I talk to you out front? Out front. Yeah. And understand, the hotel is an Art Deco small hotel. Yeah. And there's a porch. It's where the old Jews used to sit. It's a porch. And we go out on the porch, which is facing the beach. The beach is right. there and of course the ocean and then other countries. That's the order. So she goes out in front, she goes, you are so sweet. She grabs me and kisses me.

Was she attractive? Very. She says, follow me. She starts running to the beach, ripping off her clothes. No. I'm 20. I'm following her. Oh, wow. And then I didn't rip off my clothes. I actually being a Jew, took them off and folded them neatly. But there was a lifeguard stand where we were doing this. But I lost my virginity in a lifeguard stand on South Beach to a heckler. Oh, my God. That's a hell of a story. The only way that story gets any better is you've still got a grudge over the heckling

and you take her clothes and go get on the bus. Well, that's the old joke of which show did you see the first one of the, that second one, which is I want to do these things to you. It's a woman offering herself to a great offer. And then he says, she goes, I saw your show. And then afterwards, you see the first show or the second show? Because the second show, he stunk. He doesn't want to be anybody who loved him in the second show.

It's a comedian joke. So in the lifeguard chair. Oh, okay. You're back in the life. And so was there sand? Was there friction from the sand? But not when we were. We were.

I remember a homeless guy back then. you can say that. Yeah. And he was clearly that was walking up to my clothes. And I realized I left my wallet in my pants. So I ran down naked with a boner. And I said, don't go near it. And he's scared off.

Yeah. And I went back up and finished. Yeah. That's back. At that age, you could get an erection, have an interaction like that. And the erection would still be there waiting for you. That's the age where you could put a towel on you. Yes.

You know what I mean? You could yell at a homeless guy. With an erection. And it doesn't go. way. Not by any stretch. So anyhow, after it was over, she picked up her clothes on her little journey. I picked them up being folded. I look much better. Anyhow, we, she says, walk me in a car, I walked her. She goes, I would love to see you again. And I said, okay, and I asked her, I swear, I did this, I go, how old are you? She said 31. I'm 20. She might have well said 80.

Yeah. She gave me her number. I never called her. She was too old. 31 was scary. man. I wasn't a man of the world like you dating a 40. 31 and half plus seven years is 23. Oh, okay. So you were too young. I was too young. But I was definitely, that's the kind of kid when you say I was 20 and lost my virginity. I was very, I was very confident in school, very confident around ladies, except when it came to asking them to dance or anything like that. Do you feel like you did a good job the first time? Oh, that's not for me to decide. She did a fine job for me. Well, she's probably dead by now, so we can't ask her.

Would that be hilarious? She's in her 70s. I don't know if she remembers that she might listen and watch us. What were the odds of that? Can I get a hold of him right in your thing? Just the ginger ale shows up with the podcast. No, that's the thing. And to this day, if I carry it,

about someone, I'm kind of got that anxious attachment style. Like when I walk down the street and I walk on stage and do an hour with no material. So I've got swagger except at home. Yeah. I mean, my girlfriend would love, my person of interest, would love for me to have more swagger. She would more attracted to me if I had swagger in the house. But I don't.

When I'm home, I'm vulnerable. So does she like to go out and see you perform then so she can get a taste? The swagger? She, as a matter of fact, no, but she does. And when after she does, she's very attractive to me. Yes. Always. Get her in the car on the way home.

Well, then I ask her, do you want to come? No. You know, mostly it's no. So, anyhow. Yeah. Yeah, I wish I had more of that swagger when I'm enclosed, but I'm very vulnerable. Yes. You know, and I have anxious attachment style.

Yeah. My attachment style has nothing to do when I'm outside of my house. Yeah. Like here, I'm completely confident talking to you. Sure. I wasn't remotely nervous. There's no cameras. Hi.

I'm very, I don't care. Yeah. When I'm at home, I can't too much. And I get affected by things. I'm very vulnerable. I can get hurt easy, but only privately. Yeah. Publicly.

And I'm not wearing a mask publicly. Yeah. It's just the way I am. And my true self, when I'm, when the makeup's off and the clown costume goes in the hamper, I'm a really quiet, sweet guy who when he gets noisy, becomes an irritant to my person of interest. And by the way, she loves me. She will laugh, but only if I just slip something that's funny. Like when I told you when we were walking up the stairs that I legally had my name change,

I forgot what it was that I told you because I forget those instantly. Hates that stuff. Yeah. Hates. But that's also the thing about to be the partner of a comedian, not fun. No, my wife, I've tried out jokes on her. I don't know why I continue to do it, but I'll, and she never thinks they're funny. She's got a tissue.

You have a tissue over there. She literally never, ever, ever thinks it's funny. Ever, man. You're right? But if you do it on stage and she's at that, she'll find it very funny. And also, that isn't to say that we're not funny together. By the way. Those are our jokes.

By the way, my girlfriend, my person of interest, I get used to saying that she is, one of the funniest people I've ever met. Yeah. She, see, the thing is, she goes, there's a,

thank you. Does it bother you that I don't laugh at you? But she does when it's just like me saying something. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

right. But if I try, so with my non-s, she doesn't understand absurdism. Yeah. She gets why I like it. Bob Odenkirk came over one day.

I'm not kidding you. And explain my comedy to her. And she was so grateful. She still doesn't think, She understands me comedically better. Yeah, yeah. But he had to do that. And she thanks him to this day so much because you can never sneeze enough.

So yesterday, while you blow your nose, I'll tell you something that happened yesterday. I go into this Italian restaurant. What are you wearing cotton? What's that? I said, what are you wearing cotton? When you go in the Italian restaurant, these are the things that make her crazy. What are you wearing cotton? What am I wearing cotton?

Are you wearing cotton? When I go to the Italian restaurant? Yeah, is it comfortable? Are you wearing a blend? Are you saying this is the kind of comments you get? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She goes, you know. I got a new dress.

Cotton? Cotton's my reaction to all that. Cotton? So I go in and I order, I say, can I get an Americana with room? And the guy's Italian behind the thing. And he looks at me and he goes, um, hold on. And he walks away.

And I was like, what's complicated? And I see him talking to another waiter. And the hands are going. And I go, what's the issue? And so he finally comes over and he goes, we know can do it. I go, why? He goes, we don't have a rum. Rum.

He thought I asked for an Americana with rum. But I will tell you, Americana with room is also the wrong way to drink it. You know, Americanos are meant to be drinking black. I can't believe you didn't think that was funny at all. Oh, they don't speak the language. I'm your wife. Maricana with rum. Yeah.

By the way, I get it. Yeah. Put it in your act. Anyhow. Maybe you should be my person of it. You should be my person of interest. By the way, yes, because by the way, comedians are brutally honest with each other. There is no, you know, especially when you're funny as shit.

So, you know, it's easy for me to say, oh, but Americanos were invented in Europe, Latin America. I don't know where. Not an Americano. No, Americano was for Americans. It was espresso and espresso with water. Yeah. And so it's a lighter way of drinking an espresso. Right.

You don't put milk in an espresso. You don't put milk in an Americano. Interesting. By the way, my Americano thing is. I will get it black, but usually, so I get it black. And if it's not tasty, I'll get the oat milk. Sure. It becomes tasty.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Unless it's horrible. I get the Americana because I just really want to drip coffee, but I know that that's probably been sitting there. They brewed it two hours ago. So if I were an Americano, I'm getting fresh espresso. But there's an also a difference.

Espresos are so much better for you than coffee. Yeah. They're gentler on your body. Right. even though you get the effects, much gentler. I love ice coffee, but much gentler on your body is an espresso or an Americano. Right. I hope people learn.

And I got this from the same article where it said half your age, but plus 24 minus 16. It's all on Wikipedia, man, so it must be true. And it's in a court of law that will hold up. Have you ever, this is Fastballs with Fetz. We're now into that segment of the show. Who doesn't love a good fastball? with fits. Have you ever wanted to tell you one story. People hate when I interrupt. I know from people have told me. Who would hate when you interrupt? They do. You're a smart, funny guy.

And if, you know, if I'm being boring and you have something, that's the other thing about, like, telling each other what's funny. We also know if the other guy's kind of slowing, like, if a guy goes, we're going to do a segment now and you're funny, you go, I actually have something. Why don't I just? Well, now, oh, fastball. When I was in Little League, there was a kid whose father was really tough and mean, like almost like, but no one really, we all thought he was tough. This is the other team. And this pitcher who went on to have a great high school career, I don't think he ever made minor leagues.

But he was the only kid in the league who could throw a curveball, a great curveball. My baseball knowledge didn't understand a curveball. So when I was, because, you know, a curveball a lot of times looks like it's coming right at you. and then curves over. Sure, and down. Yeah. And so I didn't think anything of it, and my first hit was a double. My second hit double, line drive, center, center, until somebody on the bench goes,

wow, you're hitting that curveball. And then, and the other guy's curveball, curveball, I got up on stage, and I thought, on stage. Well, it's kind of on stage. In the batters box, all I'm thinking is curveball. Yeah. Not to look for it, but curveball. I remember I was the first time a woman told me during sex that I had a big,

dick and I just went flaccid instantly. Again, not for your act and not even for this podcast. Have you ever won any awards? Yes, I've won a Golden Globe. Congratulations. For producing Curb Your Enthusiasm. I have won a Producers Guild of America award, I think two or three times for best show. I have, right now what they do with the AFI, they used to have a show.

now it's just a dinner. It's been a dinner for a while or a luncheon. And it's called Best Shows of 2025, Best Comedies, What Have You. But back when they picked a winner and there was five of us, I won that. I won the AFI a couple times. Nice. I won improviser of the year from this improv festival in Chicago. The fact I remember these.

Of course they mean something. Yeah, it's fun to win. I'll leave it at that. It's fun to win. The award ceremonies are a drag, and when you're nominated and you're lose, you go, why the hell that comes? You got all dressed up. Because unless someone like Conan or Gary Shanling is hosting, why do I want to be? Yeah, right.

Why, if I'm not going to win, let me stay home. Yeah. And Larry started staying home like three or four Emmys ago. we were on for what was it uh 13 years yeah we never won an emmy no never won and we lost the shows that people will easily forget and i'm not going to say the you're saying abbott elementary is not going to stand the test of time we never lost abit in elementary but the point is and here's the cool part except for the last year the last year um i predicted every single one You did.

Everyone. You know, and I was with Jeff Schaefer, producer of the show. And Jeff had the funniest phrase because I said, Manifficent Mrs. Maisel is going to win. He goes, we're going to get mazled. And we did. We got mazled. But every, the last year, the last year where I thought, well, if the bear doesn't win, we'll win.

And we thought it. Yeah. Even Larry. And the bear didn't win and hacks won. Yep. And the Hacks producers were very complimentary. Your show. Years ago, when Friends won, Jennifer Aniston honestly apologized to me, which I thought was so beautiful.

Friends is a legendary show. Like, she didn't even have to apologize. You understand why Friends. Friends is awful. Well, it is the least unrelatable, corny, awful for you. Wordplay. Mostly awful for me. But the point is that there are a generation of people.

People, who that is a very important show to them. No, my daughter watches it. It's a new generation. But it's also more women than men. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone on that show was charming, you know. Well, shows that are mean generally don't do as well. I mean, you look at the Oscars.

Name Best Picture Oscars that didn't tie up with a positive ending like a Titanic. Okay, let's take this. No Holocaust documentary that's been nominated has ever lost. Yeah. It's true. I have a friend who was, I was, I was a producer of a movie that was nominated for Best Documentary. Yeah. Okay, called Finding Vivian Mayer. It's a photography one. Yeah. And I produced it. And there was a Holocaust movie nominated. And I told the other, the directors and the other producers, they go, we're not winning.

Yeah. And they didn't understand. I go, no, no, no, no, no. trust me we're not winning. We didn't win, of course. But KERB never won best show ever. You should have done a Holocaust episode. But by the way, the last year was the only year we were upset about it. And the other years, it's like whatever you want.

But the last year, we thought, boy, if the bear doesn't win, we got it. People will look at our body of work and what have you. It's like Scorsese won for the departed. Right. You know, it's a body of work thing. He's never won. and yeah. But would you watch that documentary on Apple?

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. So, amazing. And the thing is, like, you know, I didn't realize that, like, you know, De Niro, because they talk about him and De Niro growing up and near each other in Little Italy. Right. And that De Niro was more of, like, father was an artist. And, like, you were kind of lower, like, a little more established.

Artistic parents. Whereas Scorsese was really the gritty, like, Mulberry Street. street kid. And by the way, I love that one of his best friends from that era of righteous movies. Yeah. A few movies. I can't remember his name off. Yeah, he's written great movies with him. Bro taxi driver. No, that's Schrader. Paul Schrader. Yeah. But the point is that there's a grittiness to Scorsese. Yeah. And so he understands that world and he knew mafia people. He knew all of it. Yeah. And, yeah, Italian kid from, and by the way, I live a block.

My place in New York, which is for sale, just saying, my place in New York is literally, unequivocally a short block, not a long block. It's a, you know what I mean? Because between, it's a short block away from that church and all that. St. Patrick's. Yeah, they filmed the Godfather there, you know, the baptism. Yeah, yeah. Anyhow, yeah, that's where they hung. out and there's a brick wall that's there.

No, I live there. I lived at 241 Mulberry Street for like 10 years. Oh. Oh. You lived on it. Right between Prince and Spring. Yeah. I lived on Lafayette. No shit. Yeah. And my number is, because I still live there, is similar. Yeah.

And yeah, you lived right there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's fast. But it was a great documentary. All right, let's go to your things. Don't, don't go like that. I work very hard on these. Okay. Let's see. By the way, I base everything on how much fun I have.

What TV role would you most like to have gotten? Colombo. Nice. I wasn't eligible. Yeah, yeah. Columbo is the part. That's a great part. Easily top five show of all time.

Yeah, Columbo. Yeah. By the way, I've never had the skill of Peter Falk. I could never be better than him. But in terms of what I would like, because that's a question. question because what's great about it is it's a serious show with a comedic actor in the middle of of it i've seen him play drama i don't if you've seen any of um uh what's his name's movies um uh shoot woody allen no the independent filmmaker uh he would do he was brilliant and i kind of copied

it at first but uh he used to do he was in the husband and rosemary's baby the hell's his name anyhow your producers are not on top of it all right so anyhow I want to see thumbs tapping. It is. No, it's very important. So, Watchman calls in a lot of them, and he was dramatic.

He's a dramatic actor who could act comedically. And he created a character. By the way, Columbo, dead serious. Yeah. He took no guff from these people, and he would close in and close in. The more he'd close in, the more serious he'd be.

He'd be light so they could be funny. And then serious, serious. Yeah. It takes a special actor to pull that off. Peter Falk. What's that? Who the fuck is Guy Woodhouse? Who the fuck?

How are you helping? How are you helping? It's John something. John Cassavetes. John Cassavetes, who actually... You have your phones and you're not knowing. John Cassavitt. He used to hang out in Little Italy also.

He had an apartment down there. I would believe it. His wife, to me, is maybe the most beautiful woman who has ever lived, Gina Rowlands. Oh, yeah. By the way, a diary of... Gloria, was that her movie? But Diary of a Mad House wife.

Yeah. Best acting of ever seen. Yeah. Male or female. Her in that movie. I think she won the Oscar for Gloria, didn't she? I don't know. She might have.

I love Gloria. Yeah. I don't remember who did the remake, but her Gloria. So anyhow, that's my answer to number one. I'm enjoying it. Okay. I'm also taking it too long, but I know that. Well, they're fastballs.

Yeah, but I'm not... I'm hitting a slow roller. Who would you want to? play you. In a movie? Yeah. Jeez, I hadn't really thought of that. Well, it's a young actor who hasn't been born yet. There you go. I know. Most people would be like, me. Can't I? Is that rolling? Yeah, I would say there's no, look, there's not a lot of, there was a lot of young me's in shows, in movies and stuff. I don't see a lot of young me's now. Okay. Jesse Plemons? Jesse Plemons is not a young

me. He's younger than me. By the way, he's so good he could pull it off. I don't know how funny he is. That's why, you know, Lenny with Dustin Hoffman, perfect, perfect, the whole thing except Dustin's not funny. Yes. That's the only difference. Dustin is not funny. His portrayal is so accurate, but he couldn't be funny. Well, Will Arnette is playing a comedian in a movie right now, so that's going to be comedian or oh it's a man I don't want to say anything why are you saying it's going to be rough why would you do that publicly shit on somebody when they may pull it off all right is it out yet no but I have you ever joined any clubs is this a question is it a question is that one of your fastball yes okay I'm going to be honest with you all the way back to um you know college all the all the frats I would never want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member. Grouch and Marks. Right, right.

And so no. Yeah. No. I like it. I'm not a club guy. Yeah. I've never even belonged to a golf club, even when I could afford it. I'm a public golfer.

I'm a man of the real people. Will you retire at some point? No. I'll retire because I have to retire. You'll be retired. You won't retire. Yeah. So in other words, if I finish it.

physically, whatever reason, can't do stand-up, as long as I can write, I'll sit home and write. Movies, what have you. Right. If I can no longer write, you know. Boy, I have to be kicked out of the league. I have to be like old, old, old Jordan. Do you know what I mean? Like, you're done.

See, that's why, that's the, the only club I've ever joined in my life was the Friars Club in New York. Oh, I was a friar. Okay. So you did join a club. Because that, to me, is the way to gracefully end your career as a comedian. go to lunch. If you have the Dover Soll in the dining room. The Dover Soles.

And then you go shoot some pool. Then you go take a steam. You have the steams. You play some cards. I mean, what the fuck is better than that with a bunch of old comedians? By the way, I want to be put in when it's time or close to the time where I know it's getting all there. The motion picture home. Oh, yeah?

Is that fun? Yeah. I've raised money for them. I've paid money to go over there. Oh, that's great. I support them. And I love them. And so there's a great life.

That's for poor people, though, isn't it? No, it's for all levels of success. Because you have a lot of money, right? No. You don't? No. You take away taxes from what I made. You take away fees of a manager, a lawyer, agent, and you get divorced.

Yeah. And not a lot left. Really? Yeah. But, hey, I am grateful for what I have. And I have two homes. One I have to sell, because I also another thing is, I haven't worked since Curb except once. Yeah.

Say, what's the once, Jeff? What's the once, Jeff? On Larry David's new show, I worked today because it's a sketch show. It's like these sketches of American history. It's called the 250th. So you go from curb to the 250th. So Larry David, I was employed with him. Yeah.

And that's it. So this place. And I'm not alone with that because between the strikes and the unions and all. I haven't written for a TV show since before the pandemic. Right. Well, I'm saying to you, between the pandemic and the greed and streaming and all of it, actors, I always always think that streaming would mean so many jobs. But what about residuals for you at this point?

Do they add up to anything? Well, first of all, I don't get curb residuals. You don't? There's no HBO residuals. I'm mad that it's streaming. I got to, I needed someone to go look at my contract. Yeah, right. And I don't know if I signed off on that.

Because then I'll have a big check coming. You will. I'm guessing they had wording in there that they could. And they're going to win. You fought the law, the law wins. And then so residuals. I get residuals from movies I've done, TV shows. But my big residuals are from the Goldbergs.

Oh, yeah. Okay. So residuals for I imagine the cast of Seinfeld were at least a million a year. Okay, so they could go to the old motion picture all the anytime they wanted. For me, it's, I have to split it with my ex-wife. By the way, I love my ex-wife. Sure, that's why I give her so much money. Yeah, but I really do, and I don't resent anything that I pay her.

But we split my residuals up the middle, and it comes to not that much. Not enough to live on unless I live in a studio apartment in Oklahoma. Wait, so this place in New York? drive public transportation. Then I could retire based on my residuals. So you're going to sell this place in New York. Do you own it outright? I own it outright. How much you think you'll get for it? I don't want to talk about that. But I'm losing. How are you losing? There's a couple of reasons. First off, the market has not been good for quite a while. And then add in in New York, people are just, Mondami is affecting real estate. Oh, so you're saying you're going to get less for it than you paid for it? Yeah. And I also I did some work on it, not enough. And so I'm losing... How big is the place? It's a one-bedroom loft. I made the one-bedroom. It's roomy. It's warm. I love it. And unfortunately, I am resentful that I have to sell it. I am... It's a fact.

You probably get a million dollars for it. I'll get more than that. But again, there's a giant chunk of that that goes to my ex-wife, a giant chunk. So does it just sit empty? No, I use it. My boys use it. You got a pietere? Well, it's more than a pettitaire, but I use it. I go there. And I say, what am I going to do? Go to a hotel when I've got an apartment?

It's furnished. It's all perfect. And I'm surprised, by the way, I had a designer do it, and it is so perfect. Yeah. That I'm surprised people don't walk in and go, all right, I'll pay $200 over. Yeah. You know what I mean? I had someone who bought it, just like everything, it fell out.

Yeah. Should keep the deposit? I don't. The papers had just been signed. No deposits had been paid yet. So, you know, it was a weird one because it was a, I don't know from which country, a rich Middle Eastern, really rich. And it was for his daughter who had no bank accounts in America.

Oh, interesting. No footprint. And so the, what do they call the board of a, the co-op was like, yeah. And so, and then I agreed. listen to this shit. I agreed to put in a bank account for two years $60,000. So if anything went wrong, the building, what it costs, you know, the, whatever they call it,

that you have to pay to your building for upkeep. Yeah. Maintenance. So I would, yeah, all that stuff. And I would have covered it even with that. Yeah. All right. Final question.

I'm going to let you. That was a lot of real estate talk. Don't think I'm not self-aware. Don't think I think you should be some of you might enjoy it because you're in a real estate But most of you move on Jeff and I get it I get it What are you doing? Oh that's good talking to I'm talking to Greg Fitzsimmons I'm talking to your world your people Who I know smart yeah stute Emotional intelligence yeah there to watch your show you got to kind of be there

Yeah, you can't be a mental well maybe a mentally challenged person enjoys it who might have said All right, go ahead. All right. Final question. I just finished my water. Perfect time. Perfect. Okay, go ahead.

When is the last time you deeply apologized? Okay, dig this. Okay. I do it to my, with my person of interest. Of course. I've done it with my children. I've done deep apologies. However, when I was undiagnosed bipolar, especially on the Goldberg set, I found myself

every day apologizing to someone for being mean. Yeah. But I didn't realize I was being mean. I showed up to that set angry or the most jolly

motherfucker whoever walked the earth and you didn't know what you were going to get. And I also have severe ADHD on bipolar. And these were discovered later in life. Yeah.

I didn't know I was bipolar until I was 59 and I'm 63. So how about them apples? And so I would sincere apologies. And then I would drive home just going, why did I apologize so much today? What happened? And I had no idea.

No idea until I was diagnosed. And I went, uh. Wow. Oh. And so I have, and also being in, in AA, you have to make amends. Sure. I think that's the ninth step, I believe. And so I've been making amends with people, sincere amends.

And the thing about amends that's beautiful is you don't have to say that's okay back. You don't have to say, I accept your apology. You're just saying it so it's out there. Right. And so I've been saying it. I'm still in the middle. You know, you're supposed to finish that step that you've done it. For me, it will never end.

I have to make up for a lifetime. Although I've talked to my old friends from childhood and a little bit later on, and they say they wouldn't have had me any other way, that they accepted me and they didn't ever see me as a problem. but they all agree, I was a lot. Jeff Garland, you are a lot, and I've always, I think, understood there's things about you

that were uneven. Like, I definitely saw different versions of you over my lifetime. Oh, you saw over the course. Oh, my God. And the aggressiveness on that tour towards those Canadian comedians, I was, I was, but I was a choice to be abusive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I would even do stuff like, I would never be abused. abusive now. But what I'm saying is I took it all in and I embraced it all and I accepted it all because I just know your heart is good. Yes. I think you're a smart, funny, loving, caring guy. I believe I am. Yeah. But that's for you to decide and I appreciate that. I know I'm good-hearted, but that's the only real thing I know about myself. I'm funny and I'm good-hearted. I know nothing else, but my mental health has been off. But that's why we're friends after all these years. You embrace me. I don't think we ever even got into an argument in our relationship.

Never once. Never once. No, it's just, you're like what I consider amongst comedians a brother. You're a brother to me. Yeah. You know what I mean? And there's a lot less of those now. We'll go back to, you know, when we were younger, what did we do every night?

We go to a diner after the show. Every night. Now, comedians are all out for themselves. They might meet for coffee on occasion, but they're not going to a, not that there are local diners except for maybe Denny's. But in L.A. we have them. No, that never happens. We need another Friars Club. I know. The one here,

well, the one in New York's out of business? That's just so sad. And the one in L.A., that was in Beverly Hills, torn down. Yeah, I know. Well, maybe we need the SAG AFTER Club. What's it called up there? The actors. Annoying people. Is it what it's called?

The SAG AFRA. Annoying. Actors. You want to hang out with them for the most part? Not me. Yeah. Not me. I want comedians, especially of our generation. You're in the generation after me. Yeah. But like the immediate generation. Louie is the same thing. And we're all in New York at the same time. All of that. But the point is, that felt like a kinship, brothers and sisters. Yeah. We're always, you know, yeah, that was time. And I miss that. But there's a great line from the movie The Wild Bunch. I know we're wrapping up. This will definitely wrap it up. at the end of the Wild Bunch, the last line of the movie from one cowboy to another,

and the one who doesn't say this is like apprehensive, doesn't know where he fits in the world. And the old Edmund O'Brien played this character. And he said to him, well, it ain't like it used to be, but it'll do. That's how I look at life. It ain't what it used to be, but it'll do. I'm grateful to be here. Grateful to be on your show. Grateful for these young people.

Yes. God bless you, Jeff. Thanks for being here. My honor. And if you want to check out Jeff's most recent special, it's called Jeff Garland, our man in Chicago. On Netflix, yeah. He's also got this photo show, Big Bowl of Wonderful. Is that appearing anywhere else?

No, it's done because I'm completing a book, Rizoli Books next September 15th, and it's called Best Seat in the House. Okay. And it's of comedians, curb your enthusiasm, actors, and actresses, musicians, all with my experiences of them backstage. Backs. If I shoot something on set, there's got to be a boom or a camera. Everything's environmental.

So I'm honored that my first book is coming out next year, and I'll come back on to promote it because you will not stop me. The door is so far open. I know. I said that to my assistant. I go, she goes, why are you doing it now? Your book's not. I go, no, no, this is somebody that means something to me.

And I said, believe me, I'll go back on when the book comes out. I love it. Yeah. All right. Thank you, man. You're the best. You're the best. Thanks.