Fitzdog Radio - Jim Norton Episode 1127

Episode Date: February 11, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz 2 creeps talk about their 30 year friendship and make the producers laugh. Upgrade your sleep with Miracle Made! Go to https://try.miraclebrand.co/sheets/ksp?utm_source=Podcast_fitzdog&utm_medium=Podcasting&utm_campaign=fitzdog⁠ and use the code FITZDOG to claim your FREE 3 PIECE TOWEL SET and SAVE over 40% OFF. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, America, Canada, Ireland. Those are my three biggest. You can look on your hosts, people that host your podcast, and you can look at the numbers of where people listen. And it's like 85% U.S., and it's like 9% or 10% Canada. So Canada, I got to come see you more. I'm coming to Vancouver in the fall. But love it.

I was just in Sacramento this past weekend. It was crazy. Great. First of all, going on the road is rough. And with some exceptions, I do not take connecting flights on my gigs. Because that means I got to come in a night early so that I don't miss the show.

It takes a whole fucking day to travel each direction. One of the legs is always going to be delayed. Anyway, so. But a lot of the things, of cross-country trips. And it's so nice, I flew to Sacramento, one-hour flight, nice hotel, great room, like literally one of these magic rooms where people just laugh a lot for whatever reason. Maybe it's whatever's going on in Sacramento. These people need to laugh. And it's so much fun until the Saturday night, the last show of the weekend. And first of all, most of the shows sold

out. So thanks for coming out. I did Rogan last week. And so I think getting, and I'm surprised because he doesn't promote your show until the end of the third hour. And I am shocked how many people are still listening at that point. But anyway, so the shows sell out. But there's this woman who just won't shut the fuck up. She is relentless. She's this kind of hot blonde chick and she's with her boyfriend and just one of those people that cannot seed the center of attention to somebody else for an hour and a half. And so I tell her politely to be quiet. I tell her more harshly to be quiet. The door guys come over and tell her to shut the fuck up and that she keeps going. So now I, I blew her up. I literally, uh, the key is you make sure that the crowd hates her. You make

sure that they see that she's disrupting the show. She's making it unpleasant for everybody around her. And you make her the enemy. That's the key. Divide her from the rest of the crowd. Put a big red circle around her. And then you, then I explain to her the way the world sees her, which she's not used to hearing because she's a hot blonde chick. Then I go in for the boyfriend. I make eye contact with the boyfriend. I tell him she's a problem. I get him, I get him to the where he's leaning away from her.

And he's shaking his head when I said, is it? her and he shakes and so now she's got nobody. She's all alone and things are about to get hot. So now I just crawl inside her brain

and I start explaining to her why she is the way she is. The psychodynamics of being a hot chicken Sacramento who's not that intelligent. So she snaps and she stands

up and she calls me a piece of shit. And then she whips her drink at me, which thank I. It didn't reach the stage, but it got all over the guy in front of her. So now he whips around and he's yelling at her. The bouncer comes over. She's getting pulled out of the club. The crowd is cheering. And then they grab her boyfriend.

This poor bastard that probably goes through this shit all the time with her. and they force him to stand at the bar and pay the check, which took like a minute, a minute of the crowd yelling at them. And then they took her out. And there is a euphoria that comes across a crowd when a problem has been thrown out, when a heckler has been removed. And you just say, God, thank God she's gone. The place erupts. And then the rest of your show, you just, it's such a nice boost.

I mean, I didn't like having a drink thrown at me. And the whole energy was weird, but, you know, that's what happened there. And it just feels good. And, you know, maybe some of it is some unresolved high school rejection that I got from some hot chicks. And now I'm the guy with the mic. I'm the guy, everyone's, I'm the alpha, baby.

You're not taking that shit for me. You used to when I was 16 with acne and I weighed 112 pounds. And I was pasty white with freckles. And my mom bought me bad clothes because she was cheap. Yeah, you had me then. But guess what? It's my comeuppance. Shout out to the Seattle Seahawks.

Congratulations. You truly won this year. the best team in the league. You deserved it. Congrats to Adam Ray, who I'm sure is, uh, dressing up as Dr. Phil and jumping up and down or I just did kill. Oh God, I did kill Tony with Adam Ray. It just came out yesterday. And Sal Volcano was on the show. And early on, I did a joke, like literally in the first 10 minutes, I did a joke that tanked. I mean, it bombed nothing. And then I kind of went into a shame spiral. First of all, Adam Ray as Dr. Phil is a big presence in the room.

And then Sal is also a big deal. And so I got into, and I'm not like this. I'm usually like, I love Kill Tony. But I shut down. I didn't say shit. Towards the end of the show, I finally got, I got in like three or four good jokes at the end of the show. but it was a good hour where the Fitzdog was just sitting there. And I don't look at comments, but I do have a Google alert on my name and some Reddit thread popped up and was like, what the fuck is going on with Greg Fitzsimmons?

I will not read the comments, but it was not my finest hour on Kill Tony. So don't watch it. Unless you love, if you love Adam Ray and Sal, go watch it. But don't expect a lot for me this week. When I said, Super Bowl, it was a snooze. The game was a snooze. It was awful. Bad Bunny, I thought, was very visually entertaining.

It was interesting. It was a big news story. So I was glad to see it went off without a hitch. Nobody fucking blew themselves up. And then you had Kid Rock did his show with three people I've never heard of. And he got busted lip syncing. But I guess about 3 million people tuned into that or 4 million. And I think about 10 times that were watching bad money.

So that's that. But I think it would have been fun to have the two of them on the field together. The Puerto Ricans and the rednecks. And it would be like West Side Story with the sharks and the jets. That would be the halftime show. Just a fucking battle. Just a drunken knife fight. That would have got the ratings up.

Anyway, let's get to it. I got a great guest today, so I don't want to talk for very long. It's already been nine minutes. How did that happen? I got some cool videos that have gotten traction in the last couple weeks. The Jay Moore video has like 4 million views. And then I did a bunch with Matt McCusker that are good. Also check out Sunday Papers.

We got a new look. We get a brand new look. Revisit Sunday Papers if you're not already watching. Also, I want to bring your attention to Philadelphia. This weekend, Helium Comedy Club, February 13 through 15, Lexington, Kentucky, February 19 through 21. Then I'll be in Houston, Fort Worth, Janesville, Bakersfield, coming to Boston and Maine in the spring. Go to Fitzdog.com and get some tickets. Also, I want to talk to you about your bedroom. How are you sleeping? How's your body heat. Some people run hot. I run cold. I need warmth. My wife runs hot. She's always got a leg hanging out of the bed. Well, here's a solution right here. Miracle made bedding makes you stay comfortable all night long. They've got this NASA inspired NASA, not NASA on the Bahamas, because you don't wear sheets there. NASA, the Rocket Company. Silver-infused fabric. So it adjust to you, regulates the body temperature.

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six hours to 19 hours a day. You are in there. So stay cleaner. And 99.7% of bacterial growth is prevented. So it also feels amazing. Like sometimes I stay in really good hotels. I stay in the four seasons when I'm opening for guys that have been more successful than I have been, and I feel like I'm in a four seasons bed.

Trust me, they sent me a set of sheets. I've been wearing them. I've been sleeping on them, and I really feel the difference. So upgrade your sleep or give the gift of better rest. Go to try miracle.com slash Fitzdog to try Miracle made sheets today. save over 40% and when you use promo code Fitzdog, you'll get an extra 20% off plus a free three piece towel set. That's try miracle.com slash Fitzdog. Code Fitzdog at checkout. Thank you to Miracle Made for sponsoring this episode. Okay, my guest today, you know him for everything. You know him

from tough crowd. You know him from Opie and Anthony. He had his own show on Series XM for a bunch of years. He's got his own podcast now. What the hell is it called? Well, there's UFC unfiltered and then Jim Norton can't save you. Also, I wrote on a show called Lucky Louie on HBO with Louis C.K. And he was one of the stars of that. He was really fucking good. Anyway, he's a dear friend.

We started together in New York. We have been brothers for many years. So happy to have him on. So sit back, crack a beer, and enjoy my chat with the great Jim Norton. My guest, Jim Norton is here. He's very into beverages. You're one of those guys that's been sober for so long that you've got, you're probably like a coffee addict.

Yep. Yeah, anything, anything oral. I am addicted to coffee, shoving food to my face. There's always got to be a beverage. I don't like being parched. Yes. And I like, I'm like scientific with my coffee. I wake up 8.30. I wake up 8.30. Coffee.

Noon coffee. 3 p.m. coffee. Wow. Going early today because you're here and I want to kind of, you know, have a little extra energy. Yeah, I appreciate that. Yeah, yeah. I like to have it. I usually, I'll go to the gym first. The first thing I do is I get up 9.45, go to the gym and then after that I'll have. I don't allow myself anything beforehand. I like to just kind of go in with no food or anything in my stomach. Is it the kind of a gym where you feel comfortable? And this is not insulting you in any way. Sure. I would hope not. Yeah. But is the kind of gym where you can go and you can feel comfortable with your body?

No, there's no gym where I would feel comfortable with my body. It's a jujitsu gym. I'm increasingly humiliated every day. Yeah, it's Henzo Gracie's. I'm always embarrassed by my body. I am by far the biggest lump of shit in the entire building. Does that motivate you? Does the shame motivate you?

Yes and no, because, again, I'll never be what any of them are. But none of them care. Like, they really don't care. Like, it's funny when the guys are in such good shape and they're all so dangerous, like me just kind of coming in and taking private lessons, there's no ego with those guys. Because they all know how good they are. Right. So you don't feel any sense of people. You're not challenging them.

Zero. Like they're very supportive and nice. Is that your nickname at the gym? What's that? Zero. Zero. No, Zilch. Zero sounded like a little bit cooler.

Zero sounded too humiliating and childhood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So are you, what do they call it when you grapple with, when you roll, you roll with people? Yeah, with the guy who's teaching me. He's a black belt. So he's obviously, he'll do things like he'll choke but then lighten. So I know he submitted me if he wanted to, but then we just keep going.

Knowing you, you probably try to get choked. I do. I do. I'm like, just to ignore that tent. It happened. It's a blood flow issue. I've never done that. I feel like I'm too old.

You don't get injured rolling around like that? You do. I mean, I'm in my 50s. I'm definitely too old to compete. And the injuries you'll get is like you'll fall on your arm wrong. I'm always kind of sore. Yeah. My rotator cuff is fucked up. But again, so what? I mean, I like doing it. And, you know, it is really great. It's the best exercise I've ever done in my life. Yeah, I've heard that. Love it. Well, anytime you're, yeah, please, we have coffees here. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, thank you. Do you have a straw?

Yes. Oh, if you'd thank you. Jesus. I know. This is L.A., man. We don't do straws. I know, but I do them specifically because I hate turtles. Thank you very much.

I'm not going to spill coffee on my shirt because some dickhead turtle doesn't know how to avoid it. I want to get a t-shirt with a turtle with a straw in his mouth. Exactly. Drink a coffee. Exactly. They're a part of the problem, too. Fuck them. No, L.A. is really, it really is still fucking crazy.

You know, like the whole woke thing and the D.E. thing. Like that's sort of gotten, for the most of the country, it's settled down. But here, it's still like the Democrats are never going to organize against the Republicans because the Republicans are on point. They figure out, here's the message in a sentence on any topic. And then you got the fucking libs trying to throw a parade, but there's always like the lesbians don't think the black women should call themselves this. And You know, if you're anti-abortion, you can't march at the women's march. And it splinters and they lose steam.

And they think a giant march changes anything. This is why they drive me crazy. Because, like, as annoying as conservatives are, and they also stink. But liberals will do this thing, like, it's the needling and the harping and the scolding. And the, there's a comic. He's a funny comic, too. I wish I could remember his name. Nick DePaolo?

No, I've heard of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I love Nick's response in the Epstein file, too. He was obviously... He was blowing him off. You can tell you he was blowing Epstein off. He went to dinner, and I had heard about that dinner years ago,

where they had dinner with Epstein and Woody Allen. He wanted to meet Woody Allen. Nick DePaolo did? Yeah, and it was with him and Jackie Martling. No, Jackie the joke, man? Pictures all over, yeah. Wow. But Epstein wrote to Nick and said, hey, I had a great time.

time. We'd love to look you up next time I'm in New York. And Nick wrote saying, hey, it was so great meeting you and Woody. He goes, let me digest the next part. You are a bit controversial. Like, you could tell Nick just wanted to meet Woody. He was blowing him off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was this after his first arrest and conviction? Probably

years later. But I mean, who knows if Nick even knew who he was when he went? Like Woody Allen, if you're going to a Woody Allen dinner, who the fuck cares who else is there? And I found out today, my name was in the Epstein file, and I was so happy because I'd really hate being excluded. It was because I do the UFC's podcast, and somebody had sent Epstein a copy of UFC unfiltered. So it just listed the hosts and our guests.

I don't know how it got in there, but my ex sent it to me. I was just really... Congratulations. I was very happy. That's great. Didn't say anything about me, but it was still, I was there. Have you ever wanted anything before? No.

So this was a big deal. It was a big deal. Yeah, I'm trying to figure out how can I say a humble brag about it? That's what I'm doing right now. Well, let other people post and then just like it. But it's funny. This comedian, I can't think of his name, Ben something. Ben Bailey? No, I know Ben Bailey. Cash Cab, Sabbath fan. Sure.

Played in a Sabbath tribute band. No, he's a guy haven't heard. They just canceled six sold-out shows because they didn't like his fucking Renee Good Bit because he's conservative and his jokes are really funny. Oh, I think I saw that. It's a fucking hilarious. It's mean. Like, that was my reaction when I heard that she got shot. Yes. But the whole bit was it was a well-written, well-thought-out bit. Gives a shit what society. He's doing what a comedian should do. He's just being funny.

Unbelievable. And these fucking assholes in Minnesota, they cancel them. Oh, he's in Minnesota? Yeah, but it's still like what babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just can't handle any dissent. Yep. No dissent.

It's also delusional. I like when they call you transphobic. You're married. They're right. I am now. I wasn't before I got married. But now I'm like, oh, I get it, guys. You're right?

they are annoying oh my god well there's no right answer if you don't say it right Neil Brennan had a funny joke where he was talking about how conservative you say a conservative they're like fine

but if you say you're liberal liberals are like we'll see and I think that was a good good point like liberals never just go yeah you're here and you don't walk lockstep with us so I found it really annoying and no there's an article in the New Yorker this week about

well now you know I'm a liberal yeah no conservative has ever started the same sentence. I know. All right. But they have a piece about how the Republicans starting with the Christian Wright and then with what's the group that gets young people in now. Epstein? Oh. What is it? Turning point. Turning point. It's a wide tent. They basically say, here's the agenda. We love Trump. Let's get him in. Now, in your town, that might translate to, I'm going to talk about it in my teen church group.

In this town, it might mean you're going to, you're at a biker bar and you're going to fucking hand out pamphlets. Like, they don't say, here's how we do it. The Democrats come in and they go, everybody has to have these exact opinions. And then a bunch of tents pop up. It happened with the women's rights movement in the 70s. It was, again, it was black, lesbian, straight, white. It was all splintered off.

and nobody could just say, we're all after the same thing. Yeah, and it's very, I find it very, very annoying. To me, it's the language policing and the constant scolding from people who aren't qualified to scold anybody. Right. So you're not in a position of scold people for saying it wrong. Go fuck yourself. Yeah.

So I just have, from being in the marriage I'm in and just seeing how progressives respond or don't respond, you know, I've just developed kind of an even newer low. for them. Yeah. Well, what I like about comics like you is that you're always finding the line and that's why it's great that the seller doesn't allow phones because finding that line means crossing that line and then maybe pulling back a little bit so you're sitting right on it. Or standing there until the line catches up.

Sometimes, sometimes. I like that. Yeah, sometimes you kind of because again, this guy and again, is it Ben Bastis? I'm sorry I can't remember his name. But when I watched, he did a bit about a trans. I don't know. Is it Beatle Bailey? Not Beatle Bailey. But by God, if you didn't laugh reading that cartoon, your funny bone was broken. Ben Bankus, right? Ben Bankis. Is it Bankis? All right. And I don't have to agree with a guy's point of view to think he's funny. Like the, the, I fucking love Nick DePaula. He's still one of my favorite comedians in the world. He's brilliant.

But I don't agree with anything he says. His joke writing, it's literally completely fat-free. Yep. And I've said this on another. podcast recently because he came up. It's like a fuck. It's always a fastball. It's always perfectly placed. There's no extra. There's no um. It's just it's right down the middle and it's hilarious. Well, and I think like you, it's very specific. You know, your wording on jokes is, you know, it shows that you actually sat down with a pen and paper and said, let me, let me explore this idea and put some language to it. It should feel like there's a very famous Orson Welles commercial where he's talking about in June, the fjords.

You ever see that where he... Gallo wine? No, it's not gallo wine. It's someone's peas, frozen peas. And he's doing the read, and he doesn't like how they're telling him to do it. And he said something about it's not satisfying to say. It doesn't feel good.

So jokes have to feel good, and they have to be satisfying flying out of your mouth. Yes. The wording has to feel good. Nick is a master at that. And this other guy, even though I didn't... I mean, he wasn't pro-trans as bit, but I watched it and I laughed.

I'm like, who the fuck cares? The point of view it comes from. If the jokes are good, just enjoy them. I used to love watching Paul Mooney. I didn't give a shit what his beliefs were. Who cares? It's funny. Well, I mean, you look at George Carlin

did all his albums at college campuses. Right. And they did not, you know, colleges didn't used to be like all liberal bastions. A lot of them were pretty conservative, actually. I interviewed Carlin on, it was Opian Anthias around 2007. And we were talking about about about. about censorship and I remember him saying that he goes I hate to say it but it's all coming from the left now all the censorship is coming from the left and the colleges so even he saw that like obviously

he saw that I mean if I saw it he certainly saw it it's just it's I don't know what shifted but now somehow conservatives have claimed Carlin like they're the ones put now and it's like don't you guys know he didn't like you either he liked you even less yeah and he doesn't like liberals but he liked you guys even well they're also they're also claiming Jesus Christ who forgave everybody who helped the poor who said rich men can't get to heaven it's like a camel getting through an Ivan needle like accepted

he was a fucking he was an immigrant and he was born in a fucking major in a foreign country that's right yeah and he was a hippie I mean like he really had a hippie it is funny to watch overly religious people and there's no way to say like

if Christ was alive he'd think you were a cunt because probably Christ didn't think of those terms, but I would say he probably wouldn't have thought that. It's a good t-shirt to sell after the show. Price for a live, he'd think you're a content. But he probably wouldn't have liked or whatever feelings, if he was the guy they say he was, he probably wouldn't. If he was the guy they say.

Yeah. Like, I don't know how he. I mean, he might have just been a nice guy. He might have just been a good guy. But if he was like, I don't know what it's like to be all forgiving. So I can't say he wouldn't have liked people. Yeah. But whatever negative was.

for him, he probably would have felt about most of these people who claim to know his work. Yeah. He probably would have thought, like, wow, they're very delusional, very wrong. Yeah, it's hard. It's hard to think about what Christian, like, I grew up Catholic. You grew up Catholic, right? Yes. Catechism and confirmation.

Did it all. Confirmation. And I fucking loved it. When I was a kid, man, I talked to God. I thought about Jesus like he was my friend. Yeah. And I got a lot of my, like I do a lot of charity work that comes from me like Catholics fucking walk the walk.

Yeah. But then you get the shame that comes with it. Sure. But I like to think that the people that were in the community of the church that I grew up in were nothing like this, you know, right wing, what did they call that kind of Christianity? I don't know. Evangelical. Evangelical.

Oh, yeah, okay. I don't think, I think they really are a political group at this point. Yeah. And it becomes like a thing of power. And if you don't kind of give in to, they are as bad as the people who are scolding you for language. They're the same, you're not good enough, you know, you're not wholesome enough. Or no matter how much I want punitive damage done to you and I want to inflict punishment, I still consider myself like a person of God. Like they're just as big a frauds.

But, yeah, I mean, I think I want to go to Afghanistan. I really think Bacha Bazzi should catch on. Batchabazi? Oh, you don't know Bada Baja Baja Baja. It's the dancing boys of Afghanistan. It's so funny, these fuck of these shit homophobes, these people are. There are no gays. And they have a bunch of boys dressed as girls dancing around because women are all in the

hijabs and the fuck. Yeah, it's terrible. Bacchabazi. I'm surprised you don't know about it. Wow. Yeah. Look at that. It's a great name for a band, too.

Yeah, Bacabazi. Yeah, look it up. You'll never stop looking. When you think about Sasha Baron Cohen going into Israel dressed as, he was dressed as like a gay. Bruno? Was this when he did Bruno? When he did Bruno. And they chased him through the streets.

Oh, I don't remember that boy. Oh, my God. That shit was dangerous. I think, I can't think of a funnier person than him because, I mean, Borat, like, I didn't love the movie just because some of it was scripted. I liked the show and all of it was. Yeah. But I mean, the laughs that the guy has given me are fucking crazy. And it continues to give.

It's one of those movies like Tropic Thunder. Yeah. I'll watch it again. And I still belly laugh every goddamn time. And Bruno was so good because do you ever see the one with Ron Paul? When he gets, he's interviewing him, he takes him into a fucking into a bedroom and tries to sit next to him. He's like, he's as queer. It's a $3 bill.

Yeah, yeah, right. Right. He's just, he's, I can't think of a funnier person. And I never knew how camera guys didn't break. Yeah. Watching him say the things. I watched Borat with feminists, you know, these feminists, and he was saying something about your brain of squirrel. Yes.

And he says, why is this man telling me it's a fucking dykey woman? Just one of the funniest guys on earth. No, just the level of commitment. I mean, the thing is about British comics. is they don't always get traction in this country. Jimmy Carr does well. Yes. But when you think about, you know,

this great Irish comics that Tim, Timmy, I'm so bad with names lately. Jimmy? I don't know. Timmy? I mean, there's Eddie Izard. Did pretty well. Tommy Tiernan.

Oh, Tommy. I know Tommy's fucking great. Yeah, yeah. Like they come over here and they play little theaters. They play small theaters. But then they go, back to the UK and they're playing fucking arenas. They do.

We had an Irish comedian and again I don't remember his name. It wasn't Tommy. We had interviewed him too but it was another guy who I think he's even bigger than Tommy in Ireland. Here in the States they'll do St. Patrick's gigs and people know them but you're right. It's just it's not the same and I don't know why. Maybe because

US culture is everywhere more than British or Irish. I don't really know. I think stand up is so specific to cultural references. Yeah. Just references but meter, tone. Yeah. It's almost like they're too smart.

Like they come out and it feels, for a lot of them, it feels like they work too hard on it. And I think people want to see a comedian who we were talking about like the wording. You want to feel like the words are in their rhythm and it's coming to them now. Yeah. And it's also different. Like they're such great joke writers and there's some really funny guys in Britain. But you don't hear as many of them talking about personal stuff.

Like it's just not as much. like the way it's the U.S. comics do. Maybe, and that's just maybe culturally they're a little different so that it's not a thing for them. But I don't see as many British comics like talking about their childhood sexual experiences. I'm sure they've had them. Right.

But when they do, it's like in a one-man show. Yeah. At Edinburgh where they do it for 30 days and then they shoot a special. And then they always do this. Like Eddie Isard like learned German with two other comics. And they made a bet.

They said in one year we're going to do a show in Germany. We have to do it in. Can you take the video down? Oh, wow. It's funny. I learned that too, but just to understand some of my favorite speeches. But it's interesting. Yeah.

Mine is my. I never knew that. Yeah, he's a weird genius, Eddie is there, because for him to be able to do that, it's a staggering. Like, I have no other language comprehension. Believe, if I can learn anything, it would have been Portuguese, because I've been to Brazil a couple of times. For what? I mean, come on. Is that a thing?

It was back in 2003. Yeah, we just, we got hookers the whole time. Who'd you go with? Patrice three times. Keith Robinson, Bobby Kelly, Jason Steinberg. Yeah, we had a great time. And you do a lot of eating while you're there.

And I wound up like meeting someone that I didn't even have sex with because she spoke English, so I really liked her. Yeah. I did. I did. It was, but it was a fun trip. And, you know, you got to be careful when you're there because certain parts are dangerous. But I'd always wish I spoke Portuguese. But that's where I would, that's where I'd want to run.

I think it's called Brazilian. Portuguese. Oh, I'm thinking just the opposite. Yeah, it's Portuguese. Yeah, yeah, yeah, in Brazil. Can we cut that out? I'm just kidding. Yeah.

Such a fucking idiot. No, you're not. You run a tight ship. I like that. You rule with an iron fist. I just, you ever just say something and you just go like, are you dumb? Like, Yes, will you marry me?

Like you get caught up in some emotion. You said, will you marry me? That seemed like such a good idea. Yeah. And it's a funny idea because we all have it. Before you get married, you have anywhere from two to six serious I love you relationships, where you see a future. Yeah.

And then something, they say the N word one day and just go, Oh, I guess this isn't happening. Oh, no, that's what I say. Will you marry me? I'm like, I want that in the vows, baby. And then one day you meet somebody and you go, all right, I'm going to ignore all of those warnings. That's right. And I'm going to sign up for something that there's no other thing you sign up for for life.

A house? 30 years. Mortgage is paid off. You rented a car for how many days this week? Yeah, seven days. Seven days. Right. And then done.

And it's the only thing you go, till I. I die. Yeah, and by the way, this is not the only car I'm ever going to have. This is not the only gear shift I'm going to stick in my mouth. This isn't the only hood I'm going to stick my head on her. Exactly. The only exhaust pipe I'm going to clean out before I put my dick in. I got to see your rent-a-cote-cote.

It sounds nice. But, yeah, it is one of those things. And here's why I got married, because there was other women I've loved in my life because she couldn't get into the U.S. She was having a hard time getting it. She's from Norway. She's from Norway, but she had the most, the tiniest cannabis charge. It was for a ticket she got.

There was never even possession. Long story. But it was, luckily, it was such a small thing that your waiver eligible. Yeah. So we had to go through Homeland Security. And it took five years. Like, it was a long fucking process. Was she living here during?

No, they wouldn't even let her in to visit. So then I'm like, I'm going to do a fiancé visa. It probably took the fiancé visa itself took like two, two and a half years. It was during a pandemic. So. But they're very strict about that shit So when I see people coming in illegally even I get it because there's many times

I would like I'd love to put her in the trunk and sneak her in Because I moved to to Montreal But I'm like we did it legally Like you have to dot every fucking eye cross every key It's expensive Did you pull strings? No My attorney was amazing Yeah

And he said the days like he's like there is no one that you can just call Like it doesn't work that way People think like I could just call you a senator and he can make a call. The guy who is the lead counsel from the place was a former, I think one of the former attorneys for USCIS. Yeah.

And so he knew everything. And he goes, there's no one I can call because everything has to like be under, if it's scrutinized, it has to stand up. Yeah. There's no cutting corners, none of that shit. So we had to wait like everybody else.

Wow. Very frustrating. That's amazing. Could Trump call someone and help? I'm sure he could. He did with two women I can think of. But even that has to stand up. Like, because no one under him would go, yeah, that's fine.

Because then if somebody complains, that guy's job is on the line. Right. Like, it's a really weird, could they cross-check each other? I mean, they really check. Yeah. So we did it legally, and it was very frustrating. It's red tape. It's bureaucracy.

It stinks. I get why people want to cut the line. Also, you, at that point, you can't get cold feet. You spent five years getting somebody in. You got to marry them. You have to, well, you only have three months. You have 90 days. It was a K1 visa, you have 90 days.

And by that, that's what that TV show is, 90-day fiancé. Yeah. And so she came in. And the advantage is this. Like, so many of those marriages don't work. Because I understand that you become goal-oriented. Like, the goal was just to have Nikki in the States and have her in New York. And then, like, all of these guys get that goal.

But then when the person comes in and they get married, the goal has been achieved. There's nothing after. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The air comes out of the. balloon. But with her, we had lived together a long time. So it was kind of like a real life. We had two and a half years of, you know, at a year and a half of living together. So you kind of by that point, no. Right. And now I'm married and it's annoying like every other fucking married guy. But I do love her. And what am I going to do? Go back to being single. No.

I want to hang myself. Like, I mean. No, sometimes I see comics who didn't take the plunge and I go like, yeah, you're jealous and Neil Brennan a little bit. But you also picture like, you know, certain comics like they're going to be old and alone. Yeah. You know, at a certain point, you've got to just go like, hey, I'm going to need someone to help me across the finish line here. Yeah. If I get dementia, I need somebody to show me which one's the fork.

Yeah, exactly. Although I wouldn't trust her to, if I had dementia, were to sign, you know, fucking burking bags, you know, you know, those women are. But, yeah, I got, I think I got lucky. Like, I'm as happy as I can be in a relationship. Yeah. But half the problem is she's stubborn, but I'm also very difficult. Like I like being single.

I like my space. And, you know, I sometimes miss my old life, which was perverted and isolated. So I forget, like, how lonely I was. Like, I'll look at like, hey, I could do whatever I wanted. But then I forget, like, yeah, after you come, you're back in the hotel by yourself. And you want to blow your brains out. You know, you're terrible and terrified. And it sucks.

So I have to remember that. Like, I don't want to blow a marriage and then, so to speak, I don't want to do that and then realize. and then realize, oh my God, I'm right back to where I was and she's gone. Like, you know, you don't want to fuck it up. I know. You talk about that and you're special. By the way, I watched your special from this past year. I think it came out like six months ago?

Unconceivable. Isn't it inconceivable? Isn't that the word? Well, I did it for the reason, the obvious reason. And inconceivable, because she's unconceivable. But unconceivable is actually a word. It's an old English word. It actually does work.

Yeah. Okay. Because it wasn't about inconceivable as in unbelievable. I was using it as in, you know, no conception. Well, I got to say, you know, you and I started together in New York. I mean, literally, we were doing fucking open mic nights together. Me, you, Todd Barry and Jeff Ross and Sarah Silverman and, you know, Greg Geraldo. And, I mean, that was exactly our class, Jim Florentine.

Yep. And, you know, and I've always thought you were great. Thank you. But then you got to a certain point, I think it was when you started doing Opian Anthion or whatever. And you found your voice and you just never lost it. It's the thing that people talk about with comedy is like you've got to find a voice. And some people never do. Yeah.

You know? And you write in your voice. Your books are great. Thank you. Your stand up. Your podcasting. It's all this specific voice. And you're such a lesson in like, because you didn't have it right away.

When we were starting out, you didn't have it. No, high energy, happy to be there. It's sickening. And Bill Byrd did not have it. I started, he used to open for me for a year. He didn't have it. And then all of a sudden, just fucking clicked. Something happens, and I don't know what it is.

Like, when I got sober, I heard a guy in a meeting one time say, like, everyone's worried about finding who you are, finding who you are. Just get rid of all the shit you're not and whoever you are shows up. And I always thought of that, like, just get rid of the things that I don't want to talk about, get rid of the things I don't believe and just whatever's left is kind of who I really am and what I mean

and that's kind of what I did and it started to work like talking about personal or embarrassing things made the other comics laugh when I started and I was like fuck it must be good if those guys respect it because they don't laugh in anything so you know I mean it was like always one of those

but it wasn't played in the back of the room and think that I'm you know some guys will do that and they lose side of the fact that there's an audience there too stupid. You know, you're not just trying to entertain nine guys. But it made me feel like that's a good direction to head in. It's just be personal and talk about what you're going to be something. What were some of the things that you kind of got rid of? Like you said, being happy and being fake happy. Like this times we're all smile or laugh on stage, but getting rid of this,

the energy, the need to be high energy or to muscle jokes. It might have been Seinfeld who I heard that term from in some interview, but the idea of forcing, like I work out material like real quiet and boring because if it works okay like that, it'll work when I put a little more into it. The words have to be good. That was a big one. Getting rid of the desire to have all of them love me. Like, I want them to like me.

I want to do well. I don't want to kill. But like, I'm not willing to do that. Yeah. Even on like a Friday night late show with a tough crowd, do you adjust or you just take the bomb? You know, the Friday night late shows are sometimes my best shows because my fan base is really weird. I tend to do better on them than I do on the Saturday early show where half of them are just going out anyway. Right.

And then they're like, what is this pig talking about? But if you've come to see me at 10 o'clock on a Friday, you know what I mean? You know, I'm a piece of shit. That's what you want. So I think sometimes the Friday late shows, which I know have treacherous reputations, Friday is usually better for me than Saturday. So, but on a bad Saturday show then, do you find? Because like, I mean, I'm asking this for myself because I really do find myself muscling jokes, especially lately. I feel like I've fallen into muscling jokes more than I used to and not trusting, you know, to just put it out. Because when I start bombing, I just go, I go right into like get in their face and, You know, a little bit is like a Nick DePaolo kind of an energy of just like come at them hard and don't let them breathe. And then I realize I'm not letting myself breathe either.

Well, there's times. Look, have I ever picked up the energy on a show right? Of course. Like, I'm not talking about like I never make adjustments or like, you know, if a crowd is like being talkative a lot of times, I'll slow down a lot. It's really weird when people are talking and all of a sudden I just kind of talk slow. They catch themselves. So it's like, yeah, I'll change pace once in a while. for just to make the show good.

But I won't change like what I want to do. But do I ever edit a joke instead of doing an hour I do 48 or 50? Sure. Yeah. Because I'm like, again, it is late and I'm, let's just get this done. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, sure. But this special that came out, uh, unconceivable, there, there, it was just, it's one of

your best specials. Thank you. You've ever done. Thank you. Do you feel like that? Yeah, it's my favorite. Everyone's last thing is always their favorite. but this one is because I was able to talk about my relationship the way I wanted to talk about it

and I was able to talk about everything kind of the way I wanted to. Yeah. Without having to like, well, how do I word this and how do I, you know what I mean? And I don't want to preach to people. Preachers are fucking boring. Nobody wants to be lectured. Yeah. No, it just seems like you're in the pocket the whole time.

And it helps that you're at the comedy cellar. Yeah. You know, I'm probably the most comfortable spot in the world for you. Yeah, it was great. And you didn't move your feet. You just fucking planted it and delivered it. and they shot it really simple. Yeah.

And it comes through really like a club set. Like you're, it's very intimate. Thank you. Yeah, I was very happy with that. I did cut a little bit. I had, I was open with a Sandusky joke,

which I was very proud of. Not topical, but still, you know, on point with what we all love about Jerry. And wrongly accused Jerry. No, but my producer goes, you know, for the algorithm,

which you do have to think of. He goes, you might not want to open with that. I'm like, yeah, he's probably, I listened to somebody. Instead of just going, no, fuck that. Because there's a reality is I don't understand the language of that. Like, I don't understand the Instagram language of what makes things work. And it's almost like I would rather pay to be on YouTube and pay to be on Instagram and have them accountable.

Like, because I'd be paying that I'd have to go, well, this is why your videos are not doing well. This is what we're flagging. Yeah. But now it's just because it's free. They can do whatever the fuck they want and never tell you. Right. I'd rather pay for it. And they constantly change it.

That's right. Yeah, because the special kind of starts in the middle. It seems like you did cut something at the beginning. Yeah, I started. It was a talking, and that line that I show, which was me talking about, I think, Kintara Kobayashi being banned from, because of Holocaust jokes, that was my opening joke on the road. So that was a very comfortable joke to open with, but that night I had done Sandusky first. And so I was comfortable putting that first.

But yeah, it was kind of in the middle. I like starting a special like this. Yeah, me too. No bullshit, no walkout. No. How are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. And don't shoot a short film before it starts.

Although, you know who's this really fucking funny? Matt McCusker? Did you see the beginning? I didn't know. He does his thing where he wakes up and he hits on his wife and she shuts him down. And then he goes outside and he's walking down the street. And then he gets like mugged by some homeless guys and he stabs one to death with a syringe. And he gets beat down.

Yeah. It's just this really funny. It's all from like, point of view. It's like a body can almost. And God damn it. It's so rare that I think it's worthwhile to put that before you get on stage. Well, that's, if he's like doing it like as a comic being funny, that's different. A lot of people will show like some

victory march to the stage or you stand in the back and they walk. I've done openings. You know, they all wanted them. And I always tried to make them at least interesting or funny because there's nothing worse than just watching a guy walk out. Who the fuck care? We know you walked out. No one thinks that he just appeared there. Yeah.

And you got two guys walking you to the stage, like, oh, do you have bodyguards? Are you a bodyguard person? I know. Important person coming through say important funny things. Right. It's not important. I'm trying to think of this. Anybody else had good.

Well, I think it's all because Eddie Murphy Raw, the way he walks to the stage, really fucking sends that special into space. because by the time he hits the stage, he's got his red leather suit. Was that raw? No, Delirious was red leather. Oh, okay. But he was already famous by then. He was this young.

And it was 82, I think, or 83. I mean, it was, you know, Eddie and his prime was before 10,000 specials. Right. Yeah, I think HBO's first special was, I mean, was Robert Klein. I think it was 75. Wow. So, I mean, they were only... Robert Klein, by the way, one of the most underrated guys ever.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Excuse me. I love Robert Klein so much. And Joan Rivers is another one. I've been on like a real Joan. Rivers, clips popping up. I mean, she's top five. I think she's top fucking five, and she never gets mentioned in the top ten.

People forget about it. They forget what a great, prolific, mean, tight joke writer, mean, didn't give a fuck. No, she was braver than anybody. Yeah. I mean, really, she went after everyone, and she went, even on talk shows, always funny. Always jokes, but always whatever the host asked her about, she had something funny to say. Very underrated. That late night thing really fucked her.

When she started a late night talk show and Carson kind of buried her, he kind of was a douche about her doing that. Never spoke to her again. Yeah. And that kind of poisoned the water for her. And then she just never kind of, I mean, obviously she had all those like e-shows. But that, that's not like mainstream. No. And she, even that, she was talking on, what was his name?

Was it Jack Parkinson? I think, Parkey in Britain. He's a very famous older talk show host. and she was talking to him about her husband's suicide and she was saying how angry she was at Edgar for killing himself and then she goes but it was my fault and we were having sex and I took the bag off my head

and I'm like what a fucking a real moment and then a hilarious joke that's great I mean there's nobody better than her I just what a terrible I mean she might be dead by this point anyway because she was already her 80s but God what a fucking terrible untimely death

how did she die She was under anesthesia She was getting something done And I don't remember what it was Yeah, yeah But it was, I mean She had a show called In Bed with Joan Yes

And I did it And I got under the covers Of a bed with Joan Rivers And she interviewed me I'm jealous of that It was so fucking great She was scary Like and I said this recently

To somebody else too Like I can't I was never scared To meeting comedians But she's the only one Who I was afraid of I just Because I liked her so much

I was afraid that she would think like I was a fucking dick. Or I was, she was, she was, she made me nervous. Yeah. How was she? I only met her a couple of times. Once on the plane, she was lovely. Yeah. And we took an awful photo together.

And then at Louis's house for Thanksgiving one year. It was, he had Joan, it was Parker Posey. It was like Phillips Seymour Hoffman. It was this crazy collection of people. She didn't remember me because we had met through a friend, like on a plane, but we had a mutual friend. And I said to Louis, I'm like, gosh, she doesn't remember me. He goes, she's 80.

Like you see her face. She doesn't really, she's fucking 80. I'm like, oh, yeah, that's right. Also, look at yourself. I really am. Did you remember you? Not at all. She probably thought she saw me in a tissue.

She threw something out of that looks like you. Exactly. So, no, I was, that made it a little bit better. But I didn't even have the balls to talk to her at Louis's house. Yeah. Bob Kelly was so funny. that day. I freeze up. Like, you know, like Philip Seymour Hoffman, who I loved

so much, I didn't know what to say. And Bobby Kelly is so good in those, just being this funny, fucking obnoxious asshole from Boston. Yeah. Being himself and just everybody loved them and making everybody laugh. Yeah. I'm not that guy in those moments. Oh, my God. I'm glad you said that because that's

how I feel. I have no traction with famous people. No, none. I meet them all the time. I'm polite. I'm friendly. And then I just feel like you see Jeff Ross every day is hanging out with fucking, you know, Steve Perry. And then the next day he's with like a linebacker from the ramp. Like, and they love him.

They love him. I guess because to him, the only thing I can think of is the relationships aren't that important. Like when you make the relationship more than just two guys talking, people can sense that. Like you've talked to fans before and you're like, yeah, this is a little weird. He's talking to me in a different, he's looking up. and not just talking to me. And when you're looking up, nobody wants to spend it to a time. But why do we look up?

I mean, we're worthless. Because is it that? Is it low self-esteem? Or is it, I mean, I don't want anything. Like, I just hung out with the guy from impractal jokers, Sal. Volcano. Volcano. Never met him.

Fucking love that show. Nice guy, yeah. We just did Kill Tony together on Monday night. Hung out backstage, exchange numbers. And then I immediately, like, we had a text. exchanged it was so flat and fucking scripted that I knew that was it. I will never talk to the I'll see him at clubs sure but it'll just feel like we're meeting for the first time again well texting is always a little strange with with somebody who you like like you don't want to say the wrong thing

you overthink the text like I would never overthink a text to you or someone of my other friends just send it right but with them it becomes we put more weight on every interaction and every moment it's like being a hot girl you're like oh fuck she's beautiful I don't want to blow it I want her like me, even if we're not having sex, I want her to think I'm cool. And whenever I have an emotion, I want someone to feel towards me, it puts pressure on how I interact, because my goal is not to be myself, it's to get them to feel a certain way. But I've had that. And when it's really famous people, the important thing is to realize this relationship is probably going to be very infrequent. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? You get to know, I got to know De Niro a little bit from

I did something with him and then he opened my special he was in my opening He did, yeah But he's always And he got me apart And the Irishman That was through him

And I, but I realized like I'm not gonna hang out with Robert Tenero Like it's not that type of a thing You know, if I email him He'll send me an email back But it's not like, hey, what do you do? You have to be willing to let those go Like it's a casual thing

Yeah, but some people don't Like Whitney Cummings Like just We'll be at the store with like a super famous person and everything seems casual and I don't know what it is about people that are famous

that it makes me shut down I don't want something from you but we do want something from them we don't want material things from them and I don't expect to be put in a movie but it's like I kind of I'm envious of what they have not that I want to be them

but like I wish I had that level and I want them to respect me or like me as an equal and look being a low self-esteem comic there is something exposing about being around a person I admire because I don't feel like I'm admirable. So I feel like they're never going to look at me and go, wow, I like, I've had fighters and famous people go, I love your stuff. And I'm always shocked that somebody famous has watched me or enjoyed what I do. Yeah.

And I'm like, well, I mean, I don't think I'm setting the world on fire, but it's not crazy when you're a public person that somebody saw your shit and liked it. Right, right, right. But it's, yeah, it's hard to believe. And there's also a part of I'm still in awe of the fact that this is my mind. life. Like as much as I'm depressed, I still feel like, fuck. I mean, I get to meet people that I would only dream of meeting. Yeah. I know. I know. Especially like having hosted a show on Sirius XM for so long where you're not booking all the guests. They've got bookers that are bringing you people. You never would have met. Never. And you just show up for work and you get to spend an hour or however

long uninterrupted. No phones. Nobody's interrupting you. What a fucking gift that is. It was, I remember, I thought that almost that exact thing, we were interviewing Ben Kingsley. And I forget what it was for, it was a 15-minute interview. But I was asking him something. And he's like, yeah, well, you know, and he's talking and he's thinking about his answer. And I thought to myself, like, this guy wouldn't piss on me at a party. Like, he would never talk to me in a party. But because you're interviewing and you're helping them promote, they're locked in, they're engaged.

That, the idea of interviewing people who have to listen to you and have to, I do find that fascinating. Like, I mean, and I get why. because when someone's interviewing me, I'm not like, I'm locked in. Right, right. But he wouldn't have talked to me ever in real life. And you also realize how good they are at being charming and being engaged and, you know, connected. Yeah.

That's how they got where they are. They're able to do this. 100%. And during the, it was when Biden was president, we interviewed Trump on UFC Unfiltered. They had reached out to us. He'd only done one podcast, I think he had the Milk Brothers. And this guy, I know, like kind of a mutual person we know,

because would you want him on? You and Matt? I'm like, of course. It was before he got the nomination to run again. And we did it at Trump Place in Vegas, the hotel. And it wasn't political. Dana didn't want it to be political. He's like, UFC is a sporting organization.

We're not fucking politics. So we just talked to him for about 40 minutes about boxing and MMA. And his memory was amazing. No kidding. I mean, people thought his memory was so good. People thought we had cards. set up for him. And look, I know all politicians are nice to people, but when he walks in the room and he's talking to you, there's no one who would have had that conversation who wouldn't

have enjoyed talking to him. You can't not be taken in. It seems like every interaction he has from Joe Rogan to Mom Donnie to leaders of the world, they sit in a room with him and they get charmed. Yeah, Bill Maher. Yeah, right, Bill Maher. There's something, but I don't think it's just a Trump thing. I think it's Obama, it's Clinton, it's George Bush. There's something about a guy who is able to convince 100 million people to vote for it, to whatever it is. There's no way you don't know how to alpha everybody in the room. I mean, like, you don't get to that place without being really good at winning people over.

And they said Clinton was a master of it. Like he walks in, he locks in. You feel like you're important. They have a gift. I feel your pain. Yeah, yeah. I'm with you, man. I'm listening to you. I'm acknowledging you. So I think all of them, if you've won or come

close to winning, you have that ability because you can't get that far if you're just a no personality dud. If you can't charm people, you're probably, you're a comptroller. That's as far as you get. Yeah. Well, I think about like Michael Dukakis running for president was so funny because he kind of, he was the guy. You know, he's the guy we got behind. And you look at him and you go like, this guy literally, just because he sat in a tank, he lost the election. That's how incongruous he was with being a winner. That hat, that helmet or whatever it was with his tie and the chin strap. But it shows how stupid he was because JFK in Dallas, believe it or not, I think he was speaking.

He could have. He certainly could have. He did look sillier by the end of the day. Who knew it was going to get worse? But they offered him a cowboy hat to put on at some thing. in front of an audience. And he goes, he took it and he goes, you bring me this in the White House and I'll put it on there. He handled it. He gently deflected.

But he knew that he didn't want a stupid photo of him taken. He didn't want an asshole picture of him with a cowboy hat looking ridiculous. Right. So in 1961 or 63 or whatever it was, he knew. Dukakis didn't learn that. Yeah. Look, Howard Dean was ruined by whew! Yeah.

And Jeb Bush by a plea. clap. There's these weird moments people have that expose them as like, not crooks but as like, oh. Yeah. Like, you know, we don't care how many people you fuck. I don't care if you cheat on your fucking spouse, but if you humiliate

yourself in like a schoolyard way, people can't get beyond that. Right. People like, oh, you're a fucking tool. Now you look at Trump. I've never seen him not in the suit. Like other presidents other than playing golf. Oh yeah, that's true. That's true.

But he, again, deflex and handles things. He's a unique case, though. He's weird. Like, he says things, I think one of his big appeals, which is not even a political idea. It's the idea that he can't be scolded. And if people would stop scolding, that wouldn't be such a unique quality. Yes. But it's a unique quality in today's world because everybody's like, I didn't mean to say that.

And he's like, and there was something about that that people really liked. Right. He just, he was unscouldable. And I wish more guys were like that. Are you concerned about the midterm elections being affected in any way by politics? You know, I think it's going to be more Democrats win because of the way ICE has handled things. I think people are just fucking furious. Am I concerned? Not really.

You know, it's exactly what I knew was going to happen is happening. Now that conservatives have it, it's all anti-trans, unreasonably so. It's all, you know, fucking, you know, religious liberty is the excuse for every anti-gay or ever homophobic shit thoughts someone has. But, you know, when the progressives get it, they'll infuriate me again too. It's like, the whole country is just filled with unreasonable twats.

Right, right. You know, it's like, you look at the Epstein files, they're all, I don't mean the people, but the ideologies are all in it. Like there's nothing, it's not like, well, progressives really stepped up. They're in it. Yeah.

Conservatives are in it. You know, when people think they're different, no, that should show you, they're all the same. I mean, that's the thing about, I was talking to somebody, about like the view from space when you see Earth and how people all have the same takeaway. They go, I look at that and I go,

how is that filled with fighting? They're all just fucking people on a fucking globe, you know? And then you look at the heart of what it is, what are the earmarks of what separates us by parties? Do we really, do people really care about trans? Like are there, is there that much, is that affecting your life that much? Like it's, you know, or with the Democrats.

Like, do you care that much about what words people are using? It's like we all want economic stability. We all want decent education. We want health care. We want to retire at some point. That's it. Yeah. That's really all that matters.

And both sides agree on that. Did you ever see in Full Metal Jacket? There's a moment where there's, my favorite character in Full Metal Jacket is there's an old general. What's some kind of sick joke? That guy who fucking accuses Matthew Modine of a sick joke. And he goes, come on in for the. big wind son and I think that's what everybody wants to do they want to come on in for the big

wind they want to do it culturally so that's where all this fake shit is coming from this fake attachment to don't make fun of charlie kirk and don't make fun of fucking rennie good don't make fun of well uh pretty whatever his name was petty petty sorry pre pretty pretty yeah uh it's all this fake everyone thinks uh you know their their sacred cow shouldn't be my it's all fake it's all fucking nonsense. People just want to go in for the big cultural they want to ride in

on top of the tank. Right. A bunch of fucking frightened people who don't want to get left out in the cold. Right. I know and it really depends

on where you live and who your parents were. That's 97% of how people that's what their opinions are. Yeah. You either go exactly that way or 100% the opposite. Yeah, yeah.

But mostly I think people go that way. Were your parents, where were they politically? Pretty middle of the road. My dad was a mail delivery guy. Yep. He was a former commander sergeant major in the Army. He's gotten more conservative as he's gotten older.

I mean, he's 84. And my mom was always pretty liberal. But they were like with my life very accepting. Very. And not in a fake way, but like, yeah, we love you. We don't care. And they've never, they've never had that type of social shit. It's always like the language and the force feeding of a liberal ideology kind of

turned my dad off. but I wouldn't call them. They're more conservative because they're really old. Most people in their 80s. You know, you're looking at God going, yeah, I know. I'm at the end of the fucking end of the line here. So I think it's common.

You say you forgive everything even right to the end? All right, I'll sign up for that. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that looks like I have a place to go. Yeah. It's like retiring. Nobody wants to retire because you feel like there's nothing to keep you going. That's probably how it is when you're about to die.

Yeah. There's nothing to look forward to it. That's why all people ignore young people. Yeah. Because you don't want to see all the great shit that's about to come that you're going to miss. Like I ignore young culture because I don't want to know that they're going to live to be 140. Yep. And these great lives and they're going to be able to replace body parts and cure cancer.

Yeah. Fuck them. I want it all to end when I go. Yeah, right. I would sign up for that. If the day I die, if the planet would just implode, fuck all of you. I would sign up for that. I'm selfish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, you sound like a potential suicide. You just got to find a cause. You care about it. I know, I know. I just, I can't think of anything. With my luck, I'd live. I'd finally blow my mantis off and I'd be alive.

And then your fucking wife has to take care of you for the rest of your life. That's almost satisfying. I have no chest or stomach and she's got to clean my shitty diapers. Maybe it would be worth it. Yeah. I don't know what I would die for, you know, when I think about it. Like, I mean, I guess this country, on some level. I don't know, maybe.

I don't know. But then I watched the Olympics and people chant USA and I just go, ugh. It's the biggest who gives a fuck. I mean, I admire the athletes. What they do is amazing. I just don't care at all. I have no good or bad feelings about the Olympics. I don't care if they win.

It means nothing to me. No. And when they chant USA, I get embarrassed. Yeah. Like you didn't train. What the fuck did you do? You don't get to take a W out of this. Yeah.

And then the whole idea, like when you go to a football game and they fly jets overhead and then they bring out a guy who was in, you know, Fallujah and everybody claps, the fuck does that have to do with a bunch of guys banging their heads against each other, carrying a football. Nothing. And if they really wanted to do, instead of thanking people for their service as this empty fucking word shit you're firing out, how about you give them a big discount on the flight ticket? Instead of saying thanks for your service

As they're boarding first How about instead of 2,000 You charge them 500 Or how about you charge them less taxes That's how you thank people for their service Not your fucking Like not your stupid Just flies out

Doesn't mean anything Give them something Give them a discount Yeah I'm sure they would prefer to have that Well give them fucking homes There's so many veterans that are homeless It's insane

And it's because they have mental illness Because they put their lives on the line They have, you know, brain trauma. Yeah. Yeah. And they're in, I live right down the street from a VA hospital in the city. And I don't know how many. I'm sure some of them are drug-induced after they get out.

You start getting high. Yeah. Self-medicated. And some of them, yeah, the mental illness is, it fucks you up by being there. And some of them may have had it before they went in. Like, just I'm going to go in there. Maybe they went in for the wrong reasons. But yeah, they don't get treated.

Like, for all of the, for all of the lip service people pay them. Yeah. They don't get treated. You want to treat somebody well. Just give them money off on things that the rest of us are paying for. That's how you show someone you really appreciate it. Charge them half price for cars. Yeah, yeah.

I'm sure that they would go, yeah, keep your fucking compliment to yourself. Charge me half price for the car. I'll take that. You ever get a Marine coin from somebody? I had this Marine. Give me this really nice. It's like a thank you from a Marine coin. No.

But I decided not to join. Take this, you fat-headed sissy. You're a panty boy. Colin and I were in Iraq with Lori Kilmartin in 2003. We went over to do troop shows. So right after the war, I guess the war was. It was going. No, it was still going.

We were in the green zone in Baghdad. Yeah. But it was, we performed in two of Saddam's palaces. It was really an interesting trip. Wow. We got to go see these green berets who were there since like October of 2001. Like right after 9-11, they went over and started. to infiltrate in Afghanistan, and they took us to Saddam's private weapons cash.

Is that what it's called Cash? Yeah. And Lori Kilmartin, there's a great video of her pointing one of Saddam's guns at me. It was really, me and Colin sat on Saddam's toilet and bidet. But when we were, what were we just talking about? Oh, they would give us the coins. There was a lot of people that had these coins that were just, whatever they meant, but they would just give you a coin from their, whether it was their division or, you know,

one of the majors or the generals. So yeah, I got a bunch of them from guys overseas. Isn't that funny? We should be giving them coins. 100%. They're just giving us coins. Yeah, they're just giving us things. We put in our drawer.

We don't know what they mean. I don't know what valor is. I have no valor. Valor. Valor. I don't wear a condom. I guess that's bravery in some. There are things I could teach them rain about bravery.

Well, I used to like that guy. Kennedy. What was the community? John F. No. Andrew Kennedy? Ted Kennedy? Another funny guy.

Ted Kennedy was funny Oh, he was the best Jesus Christ Fucking get mad at your girlfriend Ted take her home Take her home Down on the beach He's in his fucking 70s

With no pants on Chasing girls around Like it's a three stooges movie You had to love Ted Kennedy Oh my God He drank with everybody That's back with politicians There were guys like Tip O'Neil

and Ted Kenney A lot of Irish guys Those guys sat at the fucking bar On K Street or whatever And they shot the shit and shit got done, man. Yeah. And they weren't as vitriolic.

Like, everything wasn't about a petty language win. Although there are times where I really enjoy it. Like, even guys who I don't agree with, this is a guy. I think his name is Brandon Gill's. I think he's a congressman or a senator. But all he does is question progressives, like, but ask them about their tweets. And he really does show you how full of shit there, what they've said. and what they don't know what they're talking about.

So I really love this guy, even though I agree with probably nothing he stands for. I still enjoy watching frauds dissected. You know what I mean? You don't have to love a guy to enjoy watching him do surgery. Oh, yeah. You know. Yeah.

So I, yeah. No, I used to like those Charlie Kirk. I didn't agree with Charlie Kirk, but when he would take apart a college student in front of a crowd. Amazing. That was pretty good. And the fact that people like, yeah, I didn't agree with them at all. But the fact that he would actually go there,

Stephen Crowder is the same thing. They engage people. Yeah. Even if you don't like them. At least they're fucking sitting there in a hostile area, I mean, obviously, going back and forth with people. He went to Oxford and debated. Charlie Kirk wasn't just sitting in some fucking echo chamber. He was actually out.

And if you have a better idea than that guy, that's how you just shut him the fuck up with a better idea. And it makes you challenge your own ideas a little bit. I think I've gotten much more into that in the last, you know, probably the last five years. Yeah. I've definitely, I'm not saying I've come further to the right, but I think I'm more like you where I'm, I'm deconstructing both sides. Well, the left seems, and I think it's like a, it's like a dial. It just turns where the conservatives get more conservative and the leftists get more liberal. So it's like even if you're not necessarily moving, they are.

So it's kind of like a weird shift. Yeah. So it feels like, wow, I've gotten conservative. But no, they've just kind of, you know, I never wanted to punish people for saying things in my whole life. I've never wanted to punish people for. But I don't care about politics And my friends either I don't care

Like Nick's a guy I love very much And Patton I love Like I love Patton Oswald I think he's really funny I don't give a shit who he votes for None of that means anything to me Yeah So when it means something to other people

Like when they know How could you be friends with that guy He said that I immediately lose respect For the person asking that No I just did Rogan this week And people are like Oh whoa that's where I draw the line

People go you didn't And then I get DMs efforts You didn't fucking Correct him on this and that. You didn't stand up for this to go, what do you, tell me what you do at work. Do you go to work and find a guy

who you disagree with and make a fucking scene at work? Do you dress him down at a meeting in front of everybody else? Or do you talk to him and discuss things and value the friendship? I mean, I've known Joe for 35 years. Yeah. And

the funny thing about, this is why these frauds who are always attacking Rogan, look, you've done plenty of things he said. I didn't agree with. But I just don't agree with them and I still live my life how I want to live it. So they'll go like, he's dangerous. He's spreading misinformation. And I'm like, well, then you've never listened to him. And they're like, well, no, I heard what he said. All right. Well, then you heard what he said and came to your own conclusion. Why can't other people do the same thing? Yeah.

Like they give themselves the intelligence to dissect what's true and false. But no one else has that same intelligence. And they want to explain it to people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's infuriating. Right. It's fake. It's more fake. You shouldn't talk. to this guy. He engages everyone and you know what? Half of these fucking fake podcasters would never invite me on. The fact is he's I texted me, text me back like he doesn't need to do

that. He's just giving me legacy loyalty because he knows me a long time. He's like, ah the poor little fat baby-bodied idiot trust me, it's mercy. Just guilt your way on to show us. Oh, I love him. I'm a pity fuck. He's a good guy. It is funny when you get to, when you've been doing

it as long as us, they're sort of like we're kind of like our ticket is punched and we can kind of get on we can get on stuff just because you know we just lasted we just lasted and guys are friends with you and comfortable with you like yeah you know you don't have to prove anything and i love those guys in austin man i really do people should on that scene i love that scene and i just i know from interacting with the comedians there how they respond when you reach out to them yeah and they don't need to right and then some of these other guys i got ghosted by i'm like fuck you yeah sucker. Right. Right. So, you know, you, you, you, you love people who show you love.

Yep. All right. Listen, let's get to fastballs with fits. Page two. You ever been arrested? Yes. Not, I'll say yes, but I have to, I was very young. I was 15 and I was in a car with a bunch of people where I was 12 or 13, people who were smoking pot and I wasn't smoking it. So I got cuffed and taken in North Brunswick. Nice. And 13? Around there, yeah. But I wasn't smoking. I was just kind of sitting. there. And they all vouched for me. And then I got a subtle arrest for the Opian Anthony show in 2001 on the Voyer bus when we were. Oh, right. With myself, Louis Black. Bill Clinton was in town and you didn't know it. His parade route, we were too close to his parade route, a bunch of naked girls on the

bus flashing Christmas rush. So yeah, we got hauled in for 27 hours. But the charges were dropped. What was the cell like? The cell, we were in Al Sharpton cell. They had a cell for Sharpton. He wasn't there, but they called it the Sharpton cell. It's where they would put reverend. for now when he got arrested and uh think it was like nine of us it was me uh lewis rick the producer and a bunch of guys from the voyeur bus and um everybody in the in the in the whole that lockup knew what we were there for so they thought it was kind of cool that we got arrested for a radio show on a bus with a bunch of naked girls so nobody fucked with us because the naked girls get arrested oh yeah they did they got they but put in with with the women sure they should have videotaped

that i know i know there was one whose nipples were so good i've remembered her for 25 years Now she's in a jail cell with eight other hotties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tinkling. You have to tinkle. It was scary, though. It made me never want to go to jail. I always pay my taxes because that one night I'm like, wow, you're really helpless in here.

Yeah. Like, you know, I didn't shit, which was the worst part because the toilet was so disgusting. There was no door. And I just was like, ugh. It was, like, to be there for a length of time, you're like, wow, this is awful. And this is only one night. So that kind of made me want to always pay taxes and just kind of not get fucked up. Where did you lose your virginity?

I was in my, I think it was in my house, in my bedroom. Now, again, this is vaginal. Fucking a girl, I was 18. I mean, my oral virginity. I mean, I was probably five or six in some apartment hallway. What? Blow jobs, all that stuff, yeah. What do you mean?

Like blowing your friends? Yeah. And they were blowing you? Yeah. And how old were you? You know, it sounds like an exaggeration, but I was about five. And I know I was because I have, there was a bully who I used to, I used to suck his dick in the hallway. I don't take his edge off. Yeah, yeah, it really did. Trust me, I knew how to make friends even at that age. I may not have a great bike, but wait, do you feel this? But I have a, I remember I was scared of him, so I was running and I fell and I split my head open because I saw.

saw him coming out of an apartment and I have a picture of myself with a bandage on my head and it was from October of 73. So I was five when that happened. So I have a very like a photograph time frame of that. Yeah, it was right around there. Wow. But that, but I didn't actually have sex until I was I started, you know, going down on girls probably in that period a little bit. But just kissing around. Yeah. And then when I was like 14 or 15 for real. You ever go down on a girl who was on her period? I've done it, but that's where you just kind of, you know, you concentrate on the clit. It's like an alligator.

He's just kind of above the area. I didn't go crazy. I admire guys who don't mind it, but to me, it was the one thing I couldn't do. Vampires, they call those guys. God bless them, red wings. I just couldn't do the period. Yeah. Who's your best Asian friend?

probably Yoshi Abiyoshi. Oh yeah, I know Yoshi. I love Yoshi. He's a porn producer. He was. I don't know he's doing now. I mean, he's a comic, and he's always, always had interesting stories, and he knows everybody. But I would have to say Yoshi. Yeah, I remember, because you and I both hosted the porn awards. That's probably where you met him, right?

I met, yes, I met Yoshi in, it was January of 2004. I was hosting, it was myself and Jenna Jameson were the hosts. Ooh, that's a good one. It was a great one, yeah. And this was back when it was like a 6,000 person, 7,000 person, event. It was before all the cams and stuff. And Yoshi worked for Evil Angel. So somebody introduced us and we became fast friends and remember 50 Cent and Mike Tyson were on the floor

that day. It was fucking, it was madness. It was a really great time. When did you host? When did you host? I did it twice. Yeah, me too. One of the times it was like one of the 7,000 person ones and I was with Tara Patrick. And after the show, she was having a party back in her suite. So I went back there and her boyfriend manager. There's a lot of those. Evan Seinfeld or no? Yes.

Yes. So he used to play basketball for USC. Did he? Is that the guy we're talking about? He's a musician. Oh, no, no, different guy, different guy. So this guy, we go in the room and it's a bunch of hot porn stars laid out in various undress on the couch.

And I walk in and everybody is on ecstasy. And then her husband manager, um, held me down and put ecstasy in my mouth because I told him I was sober and I wasn't going to do it. Really? And as I'm laying there with this guy shoving exiting my mouth and I'm looking at all these hot chicks, I'm thinking, this is a lot of guys' dreams right now.

Yeah. But he put it in and I went in the bathroom and I spit it out and then I left. That was my big after party experience. I had one at the, I was after that one. I didn't get laid at the Porn Awards. I was there for a couple days.

I thought you did a train with Ron Jarrett. I was going to say, I wasn't getting late, and I went up to Dennis Hoff's room. Yeah. The guy that owns the bunny ranch. Which I never went to, by the way. He and I were friends, and he always invited me. I just never went. And Ron was fucking a girl.

And there was like three or four naked girls, and Dennis was fucking one on the table. And Ron goes, hey, she needs a cock in her mouth. And she was like, yeah, like, you know, she was very game. And I did it for like five minutes. It was just so awesome to be on a train with Ron Jeremy. And Dennis took pictures. No way! Yeah, I have two pictures of it. You do? And he complimented my penis. He said, you got a nice piece. He got a pretty good piece.

Ron Jeremy said that? Which might be, it might have just been him being polite, like if a comedian sells someone, hey, you're pretty funny. Like he knew it would, it would really. Dwight Gooden saying he got a good fastball. Yeah. Yeah. Let me see if I have it. Wow. I won't show it on camera because the girls said. But you'll see the look on my face. Yeah, if I have it. Surprise it's not your home screen. I know. I don't know if I have it. Well, you know, Ron got a little trouble. I was like, we probably shouldn't. Yeah, I went to the Bunny Ranch once.

How was it? It was just gross. It was like a bunch of trailers. It's not like a nice building. Yeah, it's like a bunch of conjoined trailers. And I asked my wife if I could go, and she said you can, but you have to bring the feature. I had a girl open and for me. Oh, forget her fucking name.

What a great wife. She's a great wife. What a great wife. So I went, I got the tour, and then Dennis pulled me aside and he goes, hey, you can have any one of these girls. And I was like, well, I've never been with a whore before. and I don't think it wasn't the $125 that's been holding me back. Right, right, right. It wasn't the giant, it wasn't the cost.

It wasn't a cost-cutting measure. God damn it. I'm looking, man. Keep looking, I'll ask you another question. I got pictures from that time. Have you ever not finished a set on stage? Yes, it was, I'll have to find it. It was in 1992 or 93, I was working at Rascals and Ocean Township, which was my home

club and I would only do the open mics in the bar area and then like the main room would have like kennyson it was such a great time i remember that room yeah and uh one night bob levy you know bob sure i love rev bob levy reverend bob levy he was one of my favorite guys when i started i really looked up to him and bobby was hosting a new talent night in the showroom and they put me on it and i was so nervous to be working with bob levy and bobby went up and fucking murdered up front. Even though he wasn't a host. He was just, you know, he did crowd work and he just killed everybody. And then I went on and

bombed. And I was, I was so fucked up. I stopped. I went, am I too dirty? And some guy went, get some new jokes. And I was like, I'm sorry I wasted your time. And I walked away. I was so, I cried all the way home in the car.

And I went, I'll never forget that I was walking. And some guy went, ah, you'll get him next time. And I just like, no, there's never going to be a next time. So I'm fucking bawling all the way up the parkway. And I called Ward, Ward Magnuson, who was the manager at the time. I'm like, I can never do this. And he goes, well, I guess you got to do some soul searching.

And that's like a recovery term. And I don't know why that got me. And I'm like, yeah, I'm going to go on again. And I think the only reason I didn't go on the next night was Desert Storm happened. Okay. I think I'm getting my, it wasn't 92 and 93. It was probably 91. 91.

It was Desert Storm. The fall of 91. I think everything. was closed. The clubs and all the old mics, none of them were happening. Because I remember saying, fuck this, I'm going to go on. And I couldn't because of that. But that's the only time I didn't finish.

Wow. I was driving to the Naval Air Force base, the naval base in Grott and Connecticut. You know, they have that submarine naval base. Okay. So I'm in Boston, and I'm driving down there with this guy, John Groff. And they had a feeling that Desert Storm was about to start. Remember there was kind of a buildup? Yeah, yeah.

And so we had to call in our Social Security numbers and get clearance to get on the base. So we're driving down and we're listening to a Celtics game on the radio and then a fucking announcement came on that we just invaded Iraq. So we pull over and we call the agent. We go, should we continue on to the gig?

She's like, I haven't heard anything. So go. So we get to this naval base, which is on high alert. These dudes are going. Yeah. That night or the next day. And they fucking had the comedy show. And we had like 300 Navy guys in the crowd just cheering like, this is it.

Yeah. It was fucking great. They were great crowds, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we were in Iraq, I remember one night, one day we did, we stood on the back of a flatbed truck and a bunch of army guys who had just coming off the field. And they were all such nice crowds. Yeah.

I mean, they were so happy you were there. There was no cynicism and no, they were really, Colin was so fucking funny. I remember we were in Kuwait and he was talking about how everybody was wearing pantsuits like they were on the Mary Tyler Moore Show. And that's just, that joke was 24. Fucking three years ago I heard that and it still makes me laugh once a week. What is the last time you apologized? Like real apology?

Good question. I'm sure it was with like my wife when we fight, she'll go apologize. Say you're sorry. Like, and I'm like, I'm not sorry, but I'll say it just to shut her up and she'll say it just to shut me up. But the last time I was like, wow, I'm really sorry. When you generated it yourself, you weren't asked for it. Oh, wow. Probably to a club owner for ticket counts.

I mean, I've got a few of those who dole out this week, too. Oh, my God. It might have been with my wife, though, when I'm sure it was with her in an argument. Like, hey, I'm sorry I said that. I was kind of, when I just said something, I was sorry I was being kind of, like, Conti, whatever. I was, recently, I was. recently I was cranky about something and I said I was sorry. It was probably to my wife.

I just don't remember, but I could remember the feeling of going like, no, I was a little shitty. Well, that's kind of a program thing. I think you learn how good it feels to make amends, right? Step 10, yeah, when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. And I think it's step 10. It does feel good, but it also feels good to be self-righteously indignant and hold onto it.

That feels, those two are constantly battling. That feels great. Saying your sorry feels good, but being self-righteous and the angry feels great. You got to do a couple laps on the self-righteous and then you get off the exit. Yeah, by the way. Yeah. My apologies. Yeah. Finally, let me ask you, what is the hackiest bit you've ever done?

Probably, I mean, early on it's hard to say because you're just finding yourself, but I was at the cellar one night. And I was doing a joke about... How long ago was this? I mean... Early on? No. It was probably in the early 2000s. I mean, you know what I mean?

It was maybe 18 years ago or whatever. But I mean, it was still, I should have known better. I was doing a bit about, I cut a fart, and it trailed me into the car and how the fart was moving behind me. And I looked up at the door and Colin and Keith Robinson are in the door staring at me. And I'm like, oh, I'm so busted. I was so caught. That's the two last people you want to be watching.

Oh, my God. Well, we used to take. each other to hack court. Like in the early 2000s, we would stand around and go over each other's bits and take each other to hack court and you had to defend your bit in front of, I would do with Keith and, you know, Kevin

Hart was young at that time and Colin and Voss and we would take each other to hack court. Hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That thing you're doing. And very rarely did you win in Hackcourt. It was a very, very high conviction. You should have made a TV show out of that. That's a great idea. Hack court. It is funny. We take each other's bits to a hack court.

A panel of comedians has to decide if you're a hack. Yeah, well, you're definitely guilty on the fart following you in. But, you know, a fart joke, I always think about a fart joke like Carlin. Carlin did fart jokes. He did, but I wasn't giving them what he was giving them first. Right, right. I mean, he would. You didn't earn it.

He did it to lighten the mood and bring back people off a ledge from social truths. I did it because, hey, it did follow me in. I'm going to talk to people about this. our motives were very different he was a genius kind of loosening the mood and I was just fucking I thought the fart was funny

I figured I'd share it Jim Norton has a special called Unconceivable you can see it on YouTube I highly recommend it it's one of the best I mean it's so whenever I have a guest on I always watch their specials

but I don't always make it to the end you know you watch 20 minutes and you get it I could not fucking I want to watch it again thank you man thanks Craig and then also you get some tour dates coming up. You're going to be in May 9th in Warren, Michigan. This doesn't come out for a week.

That's fine. And then Uncle Vinny's in June. How about that? Well, I will also be in February. In April, I'm going to be at the mothership in Austin. I'm away with Louis, which is why there's such a huge gap in dates. We're going overseas for six weeks. I'm going to be in Turkey and India, Tokyo, Hong Kong, Buccares, all these crazy places. So I'll be gone for... That's why my tour has a giant hole in it. Oh, got it. That's going to be a lot of fun.

I think I'm dreading India because I don't want to shit all the week. Dude, it's the one place I say I never want to go there in my entire life. I said that and he's like, well, I booked there. And I'm like, well, I guess I'm going. Oh, wow. So you guys doing like five shows a week for six weeks? Yeah, and he's sold out on most of them. He sells everywhere.

It's crazy. Which is kind of nice to know that these shows are going to be good. And then you come back and do Uncle Vinny. Absolutely, and don't sell us. And don't sell it out. There's only 13 seats. No, and it's nice to know that Louis can sell out fucking 6,000 seats in Thailand,

but I can't sell out 50 seats. I can't deliver a kid for my own goddamn neighborhood. All right, man. Well, thanks for coming on. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, always. I love you, man. Thank you.

Love you too.