Fitzdog Radio - Kelsey Cook — Happy Hour, Road Rage and a Comedian’s Honeymoon | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: September 17, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Kelsey Cook joins Greg just days after getting married and releasing her new Netflix special, *Happy Hour*. They talk about marrying comedian Chad Daniels, selling merch without losing your mind, surviving terrible openers and why road rage might be hereditary. Kelsey also opens up about her mother’s battle with frontotemporal dementia, the challenges of caregiving and finding a new home and community in Minneapolis. Plus, Fastballs with Fitz, comedy hackery and the enduring humiliation of an autocorrect joke. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. I'll be your host for just about seven or eight minutes and we'll get into my interview with the great Kelsey Cook, who I interviewed a couple weeks ago now. And she was delightful. Really fun. Last night, I haven't shaved out of people. People don't like this. My wife hates it. Daughter hates it. But I get lazy. And I've been just sitting around. I haven't had much to do in the last week. And I just. watched a lot of U.S. Open tennis. I watched a lot of football this weekend. I watched the Emmys last night. Why do I still watch the Emmys? Why am I watching a show celebrating people that are doing better than everybody else in the industry that I am barely working in? TV has not been abundant in my career in the last, since the pandemic. Very little. And I worked a lot I'm seeing all these people and I'm like, I don't need this rubbed in my face. I don't want to be like a Christmas story

or whatever that movie is at Christmas with Jimmy Stewart where you come back from the dead and you look at your life and you rue and you regret and you feel sad. I got to watch something about my future. I need to watch like the Golden Girls or Six Feet Under. Give me a vision of what's to come, not what was.

There was a woman in there. Look, I mean, you do like looking at the beautiful people. There was a woman there from the Baywatch people came out. There was a shameless infomercial for Baywatch. I'm assuming Baywatch is on NBC, because I don't know why else they would possibly have these people come out, say nothing funny, and then plug when their show was on. But there was one woman who really stood out.

Her breastazes were very impressive. So I looked her up. Her name is Brooks Nader. And I'm new to the game. I don't know who's out there. Maybe you guys all have her poster. She is certainly very beautiful. So I looked her up and I was like, are those real?

Is that gross? Is that gross to Google? Are those real? They're not. And neither is her nose. She opened up, she publicly said, nose job, facial fillers and dissolving. She had Botox treatments,

Nerfertiti, nifertiti necklifts, other skin treatments. She has dental veneers. And she also underwent liposuction. So, I mean, is she beautiful? I don't know. I would like to see a before-after picture. Or would I?

What do I care? What's my skin in the game? game here. She looks beautiful. God bless her. It's just Baywatch has always been this festival of what a doctor can do versus real natural beauty. And maybe that's what it is. Maybe we're just looking at ageless, timeless, wrinkilless beauty with implants. Implants are such a bummer. Anyway, the host was that one of those women from like homicide or NYPD Blue or CSI, I don't know, Marguerite Harburtin or something, Margarie Harbaston, Hergens, Rogen, I don't know. I don't care. Where's the comedians? Are you kidding me? Where's Conan? Where's Kimmel? Letterman will come back. Jesus. Anybody. Burgotsi, anybody. But why are you? bringing out a woman who is in a drama that investigates assaults. I mean, what is that?

There was nothing funny, and it was all about her. I saw a documentary about her once. Her mother is Jane Mansfield, who was a pretty famous, very talented actress way back when, and very sad. She was in the back seat. She was a little girl, and her mom got her father, her mother's, boyfriend was driving. I think he was drunk as a head-on collision. The mother died. She got pulled from the wreckage. Interesting documentary. And then she finds out, I won't ruin it, but there's a big surprise.

Why not talk about that a little bit, you know? Talk about being Jane Mansfield's dog. I don't know. Whatever. It was, it was, it was lame. The whole Emmys was lame. I was glad that Matthew Reese won for best actor for both comedy and drama. He's always one of my favorites. He's never seen The Americans. Run, don't walk to your television set and start watching. I think there was three or four seasons of it. One of the best shows ever made.

He met his wife, Kerry Russell, on that show, and they're still together. And I don't believe in the three times he was on stage that he thanked her. And I don't know why. Maybe I missed it, but no one's... talking about it. What's going on? I thank my wife. I think my wife. She made dinner tonight, and I thanked her. Never mind the woman that stands by you while you're out doing dramas and comedies in the same years, so you're never home. Why not thank her for keeping the sheets warm and not cheating on you?

How about that? Very apolitical. I think one or two people said things that were generally about. the world and I have this state of the world, but nobody said free Palestine or anything crazy. I don't know that that's crazy. I've just gotten kicked off the algorithm probably for saying that just now. Anyway, it was lame. It wasn't much to watch, but I think I might be done with award shows, especially if you don't have a funny host. Wanda Sykes. How about Wanda? I don't know. Shane Gillis, he'd do it. All right, dates coming up. This weekend I'll be in La Jolla at the Comedy Store, September 18 through 20,

one of my favorite clubs in the world. Fairbanks, Alaska, September 30th through October 3rd at various little theaters there. Batavia, Illinois at the Comedy Vault, October 15 through 17. Then I will be in the Toronto area. October 23rd in St. Catharines, October 24th in Hamilton, October 25th in Waterloo, October 27th. 7th, right in Toronto at the Rivoli. So get tickets at Fitzdog.com.

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your first box. Tempomeels.com slash fits dog rules and restrictions may apply. I apologize about that, but that's the way it is. My guest, today I think you're going to love, I think there's going to be a lot of chatter about her, how much people kind of respond to this. She's just a, just a normal, good, grounded person. She got this special alcohol happy hour that I I loved the shit out of. I watched it. She's had other specials on Netflix, The Hustler.

She's got this podcast, pretend problems with Chad Daniels, who is her husband as of the week we did this podcast. And she's been on the Tonight Show. This is not happening. You know her. A lot of people know her,

and I think a lot more will in the next year. I think this special is going to blow up. So clap your hands, get up on your feet, and welcome. Kelsey Cook. Kelsey Cook is my guest. What is my energy change when the podcast starts? We're having a normal conversation and I'm like, hey, Kelsey, good, you.

I do too. I come in hot. I'm like, hi, thank you. It's very, very mini mouse for no reason. You have an interesting voice. You do. Well, you're from Spokane. And so you've got this kind of fulksy.

like you say words like um actually wrote a couple words down that you said in your special you said nary nary and anos yeah yeah you say jaunt you said the word jaunt amongst i mean you so it's like there's a part i'm talking about your special by the way which is really and i and when i get a guest i always watch are special. Which is very nice to be. A lot of people don't do that. My next guest later today wrote a book

and I fucking read it. Sam Talent, you know, Sam Talent? Okay, we could spend the whole episode. Running the Light, his first book is one of my favorite books. Yeah, that's the book I just read. I got it on Saturday night and I finished it yesterday.

So good. Yeah. And it's his first book, you're like, who does it? Who can make their first? He was clearly on amphetamines. writing it. It was a Jack Kerouac deal. It's so good. Yeah. Oh, my God. Do you, have you read Cormac McCarthy at all? No. It reminds me of course. He's like this Western writer who's really dark and really fucking dark.

Okay. And it reminded me of that. But yeah, what's he like? I've never met him. He's super nice. We actually, so Chad and I, we were just down here. Chad is your husband. Yeah, Chad Daniels. As of last Sunday. Has it even been a full week? It hasn't been. So this is your hunting. Yeah, I know, press store for honeymoon. It's such a crazy, like, best week of my life that the special came out on Tuesday and we got married on Sunday, which is not how you plan these things. It's like, you pick a date for the wedding way in advance, and the Netflix was like, and here's this. And I was like, hey, okay. You know, just like panic. Yeah.

It's both incredible things, just also things with, like, very long prep for both of them. Right. Have to be done. But we did it, and now I'm in the chemistry. Michael come down, which is, you know, inevitable. But it's been great. Yeah. Oh, but we were in Key West for a comics wedding, and Sam Talent was there, too.

And I had met Sam before, but, yeah, Chad and I were both, like, fan-girling over, running the light and how excited we are for the next one. I think his stand—I only watched some clips of him, but his stand-up looks very interesting also. Yeah. He looks very kind of in the moment on stage. Yeah, yeah. He's really prolific. Well, fuck him. You're here.

Thanks. You're here and he got this special that's called Happy Hour. It's a great title. I can't believe nobody took that title before. Oh, thanks. My wife, I started watching on the couch this morning and my wife was on the chair going through her emails and she kept laughing and laughing and then finally she came over and sat down next to me. She loved it. Oh, that's so, I mean, that's such a nice compliment. that made her come over?

She never does that. Wow, thanks. That's awesome. I was going to finish saying, so I always watch people specials, but if I don't like it, I'll just be like, so you have a new special out

and I'll pretend I didn't see it. Again, thank you for watching it. I never expect whoever's podcast I'm doing to have watched. I mean, it's like we've all got a bunch of shit going on, so that's really nice. Thank you. Well, I know it took time to get here. You're staying up in the hills,

up in the Hollywood Hills. Yeah, yeah. So getting down here probably took you, what, 40 minutes? Well, it's great. This is my, I did morning TV and then I have three podcasts today. And so it's kind of like a loop. So I came over from Silver Lake and then I'll go back up to Hollywood for another one after this. You did TV in Silver Lake? No, I did TV in Hollywood. Good Day, LA? That's tomorrow. I did KTLA this morning. Good Day, L.A. is my favorite show. They're so great. I did it with the last special. I mean, it's very, it feels like a podcast, which is unusual for morning TV. They're not stiff at all. No, no script. They're great. And they're super hot.

They really are. And you don't expect it because, you know, you go to Phoenix and there's always like these super hot like morning shows. And they're just like, and then I was shocked. I was like they would rift. They go. I'm a regular on there. I go on there like every couple months.

You're like just hanging out outside. Do you guys need me again yet? Can I just come stare at you guys? You want coffee or Doug Benson watches it. every morning. Shut up. Every morning him and his girlfriend watch, because I'll get a text as soon as I'm off, commenting on what we talked about.

That's so funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm excited to do it again. So you're doing a bunch of what other podcasts are you doing today? I just did Steph Tollives. Oh, okay. And then I'm doing Kelly Rizzo's, who is the widowed wife of Bob Sagitt, and she has a great

podcast about grief and other things. And Bob was a mentor of mine. And then I also, I mean, you know from watching the special, but my mom has frontotemporal dementia. And so that's like a very long, complicated form of grief, you know, that you're experiencing. So I'm going to go on there and talk about Bob and my mom and all that. Wow. Yeah. Wait, so did you live in L.A.?

I did. I lived here for six years. No shit. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I feel like I've met you, but we never really hung. I know. We've met.

I met you at the improv once, right, when you were coming out? I'm sure, yeah. Okay. I think I did your podcast maybe years and years ago. Really? I think. Oh, what do you mean you think? How do you not remember?

How do you not remember maybe? Because I'm the host. And then what if the episode just ended there? And you just hear like fist fight sounds. We just stare each other down hard. I don't know. Wait, will you Google that, Amber? See if I've done it before.

Just put in Fitzdog Radio and Kelsey, whatever her name is. This Kelsey, bitch. I thought I had. Maybe I hadn't. But, oh, have we done comedy and magic together? Maybe. I don't do that much. Okay. It's just a long way to drive for like a five to seven minutes set. I know. It's like a, it's a hang for the night. It's a great hang. Yeah. And all that. But I used to do that when I lived here. I don't know. I know that I've seen you several times. But I don't know that we've like fully hung out like this unless I've done your podcast before. And then we did and we both don't remember it. What a business this is, huh? We don't have. remember spending an hour together talking i swear i have i think you have ever you'll have to tell me if i did it's been a long time i'm encyclopedia brittanic over there i don't see you i don't see it yeah

i really thought i did now that you said it i really think i have okay okay well wait did we date in the 90s? When I was four? Yes. I do remember you from preschool. So what was Spokane, Washington, were you like in the city or the suburbs? I was in the city and then my parents got divorced when I was in first grade. Why did they get divorced? Well, you know, things. I don't know if I was there adultery. my parents dirty longer. I will say they met playing

professional foosball. Okay. And I mean, I just feel like we have learned that maybe that's not a solid foundation to build a marriage on. I don't know. They were together for 10 years.

That's a long time. Who was better at foosball? Oh, I mean, these are fighting words. You're trying to really fuck up Thanksgiving for me here. This is tough. My dad stopped playing competitively earlier than my mom.

And my mom was still playing all through her 60s up until the dementia diagnosis. But my mom's in the foosball Hall of Fame. She's like a badass. She's amazing. But my dad is a really good player and he's recently started to get back into it again, which is fun. Do you get wrist issues at that age? For sure. Even younger, it's like it's an unnatural motion to be doing over and over where you're like,

I mean, men are way more prepped for football than women are. But yeah, it's like you get carpal tunnel and arthritis. and people come in with braces and all kinds of shit. Yeah. Yeah. So your parents split up and then you ended up splitting your time between the two of them. Dad stayed in the city. Mom moved to the suburbs.

Yeah. My dad was, it was a suburb within Spokane, but we, my mom and brother and I moved to Cheney, Washington, which is like a half hour or so outside of Spokane. And it's like the wheat fields, like a lot of future Farmers of America vibe. It's much more of small town. What was that like? I mean, it was great when I was young. It's nice, I think, growing up in a small town where it's like you're just riding your bikes to your friend's house and your, you know, it just, it was great.

I loved, I loved the area I grew up in and I still love Spokane so much. Yeah. I do feel like. I love Spokane. You know, it's so funny. It's like I talk it up a lot and I know like it is very methy. I know that. I know that it's like rough in a lot of parts.

It's like has a very white trash vibe and it's just like it just is what it is. But it's also so beautiful. It has a giant river that runs through it. Yep. Great food. And the way that the city is just built over the river. Yeah. And, you know, I just, I had a friend who had a condo there and I stayed there one time.

And so I got to kind of see the city more. Yeah. And, you know, and they have that great club. Yes. We just call Spokane Comedy Club, right? Yeah, it's beautiful. Everybody's nice. Yeah.

It's just a, yeah. So it's funny when you're saying you can tell, like, words I say that seem like that. A lot of people think I'm from the Midwest, even though that's where I live now. Yeah. I do feel like Spokane kind of has a Midwest vibe. Yes. So. Yeah, there's something about you that at first glance, you go, oh, she's really kind of prim and proper.

and then you start talking about taking a shit on a plane. And you're like, oh, all right, she's one of us. My outsides don't match my insides. I say that often. It's like not, not, yeah, if what was going on internally was projected outside, I would, I think, look very different. Yeah. Oh, by the way, is this poster face today?

This is poster face today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No fake eyelashes, but it's poster face. Yeah. And especially you talk about how. you know, people see you made up for your headshots and all that stuff. And then they come and see you and you look like, what is it feeling like? Pigeon lady from Home Alone too.

Very specific. I mean, just, it's like we, I don't know if you feel this way. If you're doing three nights of shows or whatever of a weekend, the day you fly there, don't you want to wear like your most comfortable thing on that first night of shows? Because you're like, I just need like, I need a little treat. I just want my clothes to feel like a little hug. And so that means I go on stage looking like shit because I'm tired and I just want to be comfortable. Do you shower once you land before the show?

It kind of depends. If it's a short flight and I shower that morning, sometimes I don't have time either. I'll just go on. But I mean, sometimes you're like, ooh, things are getting little. Yeah. It's time. Yeah. You're getting a little ripe.

I got in late to a show recently and I had to go directly to the club. Yeah. And I just, I wear, it's called a sweatsedo. Ooh. It's from Canada. This comic I worked with has this company and they make sweatsedos. And it's velour with piping. Like you can choose.

You're in like velour track suit basically? The lure track suit and you pick the colors. Like mine is like, it's like a deep purple with yellow piping on it. Right. Juicy on the ass. Of course. So juicy. Yeah. And the thing is I never know if people are reading it or staring at my ass, which I don't have anymore.

But, no, so I went on stage dressed like Cedric the Entertainer. Oh, God, that's funny. Yeah. You have a towel up there too? Just dabbing. I got the towel. I got the Blackberry still. So what do you wear on the plane? And so I was just talking about this with Steph Tolliv. I was I have a very specific plane outfit because I've just gone full Steve jobs with it. Where it's like I don't have the mental capacity to pick a different outfit. I mean, we're on planes constantly. So I'm just like, I just want something that is comfortable and that I know.

So I've started to wear compression socks like an 87 year old man. Really? I swear they make a difference. Difference in what? Like, I don't feel as tired when I land. Because if you think about, I mean, my algorithm is just like all the different ways you can die. basically it's a really great time. But it's like doctors being like, yeah,

flying is one of the hardest things you can put your body through. Yeah. Like the dehydration, the altitude, all this stuff. And then we're just sitting for hours. So it just talks about like how much compression socks help blood flow. I don't know. I always thought it was just for your calves and your feet. I didn't know it affected the whole body.

Supposed to. Who knows? I know what else? Sweats? No, I do. they're like cargo pants, but they shrunk in the wash and so they're like, they were like

have risen up on the bottom so you can see the ankles of the compression socks. Yeah, nice. Really nice. Gentlemen, start your boners. It's not a, it's bad. It's not a good look. And I never wear makeup.

I always just like, I try to sleep as long as I can, roll out, get on the plane. But I have started to like get recognized more where people want a selfie. And I'm like, please don't put this online. Because this hair, I've been saying this little bit on stage, there's something about the length of this hair that without makeup,

it is very Kurt Cobain. It's very like, there's something about it that is oddly masculine. Yeah. Compared to even for some reason, like a little bit shorter would be kind of like, oh, like, so chic. But it hits here. Yeah. No.

Yeah, it's grunge. It's grunge. If it's greasy and no makeup, it's very Kurt Cobain. So I should probably start to make a little bit more of an effort. Or lean into it and wear like two flannel shirts. Yeah. You know? Grow my mustache out a little bit.

What are you wearing on your neck when you sleep? Do you have a neck pillow or? No, I don't bring like a neck pillow. I don't really sleep on the plane, but I have, I've gone full psycho. I bring my pillow from home in my suitcase. Do? It's not the, you know how some pillows are like king size? They're long like this?

And then some are like this. Yeah. You can like push the foam down pretty far and compress it and it fits fine because so many hotel pillows, it's a nightmare. I can't even think about it. It's either a wisp of air, zero support, or it's a fucking brick. And I'm like, I don't know. I get. Not only that, but you are separated by a very thin sheet from a face.

could have been a fucking trucker or a drunk or a hooker's face Hooker's asshole, we don't know Could have been a hooker's asshole drool, sweat all the things your face does in a night So yeah I also sort of thinking about the tour I was like this just feels gross

So it is my It's like my designated travel It's like I just stays in my season It'd be too embarrassing to take it Under your arm through TSA No also it's like What are we doing? I just I'm too germophobic

You're just brush that up on whatever on the plan no just putting it through the conveyor belt enough would give it enough germs that sounds a chilled out my spine you can't but really you think about that pillow my god are you going to start bringing a pillow now well now you've done it to me now you've made me well when you're a guy you can't be packing that much stuff anyway right no you have to have room yeah yeah yeah i pack light one pair of pants two dress shirts there you go socks and underwear for the number of days i'm there Yeah, toiletry bag. It's so funny.

And merch. Yes. I feel like comics, you do get it down to a science. What's your merch? Oh, what do I have right? Okay, well, this is the reasonable bedtime tour that I'm on because I just, I don't know. I feel like I know my crowds now and I know myself and nobody's interested in coming to a 10 p.m. show. And so we contacted the clubs and asked if we could move them even like 30 minutes early.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if you feel this way. So like 6. 830? Yeah, or like a 7 and a 9.30. I feel like a ticket buyer looks at a website, and they see 930, and they're like, okay, they see 10, they're like, no way.

Right, right. And I don't really want to be working at 10. Also, you attract a different crowd at 10. You get people that are just partying. They're not coming to see you. They're just coming to keep the party going. Yeah, and that's not, I mean, you can tell. That's not my vibe.

And that's not my crowds vibe really either. So I have shirts that the merch company I work with did like a good night moon spoof sort of a thing. And then it's, I mean, I mentioned it in the special Chad's road rage where he gives people thumbs down on the road. And so we had signs made that say not mad, just disappointed with a thumbs down. And it's, I didn't even think those would sell. My merch company was the one who saw that joke and they were like, you have to make me. I was like, people, so it's going to be stupid, I'm selling a sign, and it's like you would not believe how many people buy.

That's crazy. Really? And it's not big to pack. That's what's nice, nice and flat. Oh, I, so you are physically bringing your merch. Yeah. What do you sell? Pins, so I bring a bag that's this big.

Okay. Yeah. See, I'm like, it's turned into a whole. Oh, you got a pack an extra bag? Oh, I have the merch company. I pay for shipping now. You do. I used to.

When I was living in Spokane, I would go to the UPS store with just hauling my bags of shirts, and I would ship them out every week. And it's, you know, it's just, it's a lot. So I was like, I'm willing to outsource this and pay a little more to have other people do this. And then do you sell the signs on your website as well? Mm-hmm. Because I almost missed the plug for the merch because your special ended, and I was going to hit stop. And then I like to stick around because I like to see who the special thanks are at the end.

Yeah. Which, no comedians that I knew of on there. Oh, yeah. So it was Chad and then my openers on tour. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, no big names. Usually people put, everybody puts Dave Attell no matter what.

Right. I feel like that's more coastal comic. Like, if you're running these sets, however many times, I feel like you end up being around other comics who are like, oh, you maybe try this tag or maybe change this. And then you're like, special things come on your way. Yeah. But we live in Minneapolis. It's like you're not, I don't know. You're just not even seeing other comics very often, besides locals.

So you sell the merch on the website as well. And so at the end of the special, you come out and you plug it and you get good laughs with it. And then that is going to sell so many more on the website. Which is fine, because I didn't want it to feel like a pitch and I didn't want it to feel hacky. but I just, that was how I would close the shows on tour. I would tell people what the merch was and I would have those jokes about like the other ways people tell me they're going to use the sign.

And so I did it on stage for this special and I just was like, oh, this could be fun to put in the end credits. But Netflix, they were so nice. They didn't like, usually a special will immediately minimize up into the corner. Yeah. And people don't really see it. They let it play through. Oh, nice.

So, and then you get to see like the thing for my mom at the end too, which is nice. but I was hoping, I was just like, oh, God, I hope other comics don't think I'm, like, so desperate for merch sales and I'm, like, hawking it. It just was meant to be like, this is this fun little thing. Okay, good. Yeah, it felt organic. And, I mean, my pins at this point, I got six minutes on my pins when I'm selling them. Yes.

Because I basically go, look, I'm selling the pins. This is not a meet and greet. Don't stand in front of the table and tell me you remember me from I Love the 70s. I literally don't care. I'm selling merch. If you want to buy it, great. It's cash only. I don't need you fumbling with a credit card.

And as far as pictures, no. I go, don't take a picture. I love that you're so upfront. Yeah. Because you know what it's like when you're trying to sell and you get that one talky. And they're always the drunkest, most annoying person. And they cost you hundreds of dollars for a conversation you don't want to be having. Oh, and countless minutes taken away from.

from when you could have been getting ready for bed. Especially if it's the late show, you're like, you're actually affecting when I go to sleep now. Especially when you got that early flight and it's Saturday night. Brother. Yeah. It's so tough. And you never want to make anybody feel like you.

I do. I'll say, listen, I got a cell. And I've already done the speech, so all I have to do is remind them. Did you hear what I said? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. And then they go. But I've seen a big spike in my merch when I've,

I started making jokes about it. Yes. And the funny thing is I'm being hostile and it makes them buy more pins. I'm laughing so hard right now because I am always afraid to be the opposite. Yeah. I mean, to be that. And so I am the opposite where I'm just very like, you know, take my time. But you do hit a certain point in the summertime where you're like, I'm so fucking tired.

Yeah. I just want to, I have another show. Yeah. And we have to, I mean, I'm very envious of male comics because. I feel like generally you don't have to worry for your safety too much. I have to stay behind the table and have security on either side or else people just charge right back around and they'll put their hands, weird places. I've had a guy years ago be like, I like you this way.

And then he put his hands on my hips and spun me around. He goes, but I like you this way more. And it's like female comments deal with shit where you're like, You would never even imagine this is part of, you're like, I'm trying to sell a fucking thumbs down hand sign. This is already humiliating. And now you're sexually assaulting me. Like, fuck off.

I had a girl. I'm taking a picture with her and her husband. Yeah. So I don't do this anymore. I no longer do arms around anybody and I don't want their arms around me. I stand there and I go like this right away so they get, that's what we're doing. But back in the day, I had my arms around. And this woman turned.

And as they were taking the picture, stuck her tongue in my ear. And I fucking screamed at her. Good. Good. I was like, what the fuck is your problem? Good. And also, what an animal. Oh, my God.

An ear? Like a loved one's ear. You're still like, let me check with a flashlight before I put my mouth anywhere. Right. You're going to tongue a stranger's ear. Yeah. If I pick my ear, I. flick and rub it.

There's stuff in there. Yeah. Oh. Even my wife, when I make love to my wife, I think I used to do a little bit of ear licking. I would say that would be the only time you'd do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Sure.

I also let me say make love. Why don't you add that? I'm going to have a list for you of your things. That sound. Well, I'm trying to be more sensitive to my last special. I kind of humiliated my kids and my wife because I talked about having sex. with her. And it's like, I'm 60. Nobody wants to hear me talking about having sex with anybody. And so now I try to be more respectful when I talk about fucking her. So has the sex life gone down since you guys got

married on Sunday? All of five days ago. No, I will say, honestly, I think he and I were genius is about the wedding day itself. We had sex that morning, that late morning, because I was like, let's not bank on that we're going to want to have sex tonight after we've been doing the most exhausting, like, long day of our, hosting a party, basically. Eating like pigs, shoving cake in our faces. And we don't even drink anymore, but, like, add that to people who are drinking. It's like, you're going to do all that drink and then be like, all right, let's do it. It's like, no. We're tired.

We're too old for this. And so we had sex in the morning. And it was great. You front-loaded it. Yeah, get a little pep in your step for the wedding day. It's nice. Oh, you definitely have a glow after you have sex. Yeah.

You carry that around with you for the day. Yeah. Yeah, Chad has been on the show. Did he tell you that? I can't remember if he did. I know that he loves you, and I just can't remember if he said things on the podcast. I love him. I really feel like in the hour we spent together.

I mean, we actually hung out for like an hour afterwards. Oh, nice. I felt like I wish I lived in the same city as this guy. Such a good hang. And he's a fucking man. You know what I mean? So many guys today are so soft. I do know what you mean.

Yeah. I mean, he just immediately, it was like there were so many things with him where I was like, oh, this is unlike anything of experience. I mean, he has like adult children. Yeah. And I feel like when you meet somebody like that, you're like, you have raised humans to a level where like I'm not going to have to worry about if like, I don't know. this just basic adulting thing is taken care of. He just, yeah. It's invaluable.

Yeah. It's so nice. And he, I love that you guys don't drink. I think that's a good way to start a marriage and a good way to end a marriage if you start. Because if you sign up for the sober person and then they start drinking, that's like, you know, it's like now you're under warranty. And you've got to take care of this thing. Yeah. As it breaks down.

Yeah, we both drank and then... But you say you didn't have a bad problem. You just kind of did it as a lifestyle choice. Yeah, it was like... I drank a lot in college. But then the older I got... Where'd you go to college? Washington State University.

Yeah. Gofers. Cooke's. Whatever. Boy, WSU people at comments are going to go fucking off on you. Really? Is it the cougars? It's the cougars.

Yeah. Why do you have a lot of like older women that come and go back to school? God. there are some mom's weekends where you're like, wow, there are women in these bars that are plastered right now. But yeah, we just wanted to like take a break from it. And then it's when you don't have a defined, like, okay, we're taking a break for a month or whatever.

When it's just kind of open ended, then you start to run into like, okay, we're going to a concert on Saturday. Are we drinking at the concert? We're going to a wedding. And we would do the things and still have a great time. So then we were like, okay, well, I guess we're keeping. keeping on going. And then you hit a year, a year's a tough time to be like, to see yourself going back because it's this like solid thing. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a foundation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I haven't drank it 34 years. Oh my gosh. That's amazing. Yeah, but I drank a lot in college as well. Yeah. Yeah, you're not going to ask me where I went? Where'd you go? Harvard. Here's what it sucks. If I'm like, no, you didn't. You'd be like, what the fuck? No, I went to Boston University. Okay. Terriers. What fucking mascot is that? The terriers.

Boston Terriers amazing. Yeah. So, all right, so you guys are living in Minnesota together. Nobody else, no other comedians live there, right, that, I mean, are touring headliners. No. So do you work out at Acme? Is that like your local club when you want to try new stuff? Yeah.

Which, by the way, is like top three or four clubs in the country. We're so lucky. It's amazing. I will say we're not like, because we're on tour most weekends, when we're home Sunday through Wednesday, we're not the type that are like, let's like run down to Acme and try shit. We just like try stuff in the middle of our road weekends. Right, right. I don't know if you feel that way.

I like, I just have gotten pretty tired where I'm like, I'm so sleepy. I just want to be in my house as much as I can. You're so funny. What are you like 30 years old? 37. Oh, you're 37? Oh, I thought you were 30. Yeah, I guess 37. Maybe you start tapping the brakes a little bit.

Yeah, I don't know. But Chad's considerably older than you. Yeah, he's 14 years older than me. Yeah. How'd your parents feel about that? Well, I don't know if they were weirded out at all by the age gap. I just know that they, like, loved him immediately because he was an adult. He was a man, you know, so they were just thrilled that I was happy and that he was

taking great care of me. Aw. Yeah. Isn't that nice? It's nice when you marry into a good family. Some people really don't like their in-laws. I feel very lucky. I love my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law.

It's like a good group. And, you know, he has kids, like I said, which is the first time I've ever been with somebody who has kids. And that took a little time. Like, you were talking about your family, not liking you talking about having sex. and his daughter is 22. Oh, and you're talking about fucking her father.

Oh. Sure am. She's 22? She's 22. And when we started dating, you know, was 19, 18, something like that. And I remember telling my friends, like, oh, I'm nervous to be around her. Yeah. Because I had posted, it was a joke from my last special.

And it was, like, about that he has a vasectomy. And, like, the things I thought about that. and whatever, you can fill in the blanks. And so she had initially started following me, and then I posted a clip of that joke, and then she texted chat and was like, just so you know, I just unfollowed or muted, whatever, your girlfriend. Really?

And so, yeah, when my friends were like, oh, don't be nervous around her, she's going to love you. She's going to think it's so cool that your clips get a bunch of views. I was like, oh, you mean the one about me blowing her dad? Like, no, she's not psyched that this has gone. viral. This is not like the bonding experience that you would think it is. So. That's rough. But we have a good relationship now. It just took a while. It's like not a I mean, it's got to be weird for her and I get it. And you're exactly halfway age wise between her and Chad. Yeah. Did he live in South Dakota or

like Idaho or something before? No, he's born and raised in Minnesota. Oh, okay. He lived further up north in the small town that he's from and he was driving like three hours back and forth every weekend to no to go to the airport to tour while he was raising his kids because he didn't want to raise his kids outside of where he grew up and so

what town was it like a Hibbing? Fergus Falls by where Bob Dylan's from? Yeah I think it's like 40 minutes from Fargo it's like way way down so he's like he is yeah such a hard worker. I mean, I can't even wrap my head around how he did that all those years.

And then you guys are, you bought a house together? How did that work financially? Did you both put in the same amount for the down payment? Nice. It was pretty great. Probably a lot cheaper than buying a house in L.A. How big is a house? It's, it's pretty big. It's, um, what is it, five bedrooms? Five bedrooms. It's a bit, it's like, it's silly. We don't need all that space, but neither of us grew up with money. And it is nice when you've been working in comedy for a long time and you get to a point where you feel financially comfortable. And then you put those accounts together

and you live in a city like Minneapolis where it's not that. I mean, you can buy like a nice house. Yeah. It's our dream house. I feel so grateful. You have a basement? What goes on down there? We have winter bar sport Olympics against each other.

Really? Foo's ball, obviously. Fooz balls down there, darts. We have a ping pong table. Because, I mean, it's like minus however. It's so cold in the winter. You don't leave the house very often. And so you don't want to.

So you got the big screen TV. You put the football on. You play games. You have friends over? Mm-hmm. How many friends you have there? It took a little time, but I've now made, like, a really great group of girlfriends there.

And, like, it's a lot of couple friends, too. So we'll have like, I don't know, maybe 10 people over, watch a game or something. I love it. It's hard to make, I have, like, very dear best friends that I've had for like 30 years. But they're all scattered around the country. And it is hard to try to make some new local ones as an adult. It's a lot of like, like we're not hiring right now, sort of a vibe. You know, where it's like, we've got our group.

We don't need new people. Okay. Interesting. So how did you meet them? all through comedy like one is the sister of a comedian one is the wife of a comedian one is through a dementia support group because of my mom so it's like all different stuff and now you've introduced them to each other so now you guys have kind of a group yes yes it's nice good for you it's nice it doesn't matter where you live as long as you got a community of people

it helps so much yeah especially if chad's gone on you know a road weekend and i'm home that weekend And it's just nice to have a friend that you could go walk your dogs with together, just something. You need somebody to talk shit about your husband with. And it can't be his friend. That's why you've got to meet your own friends. You have the separate people. Yeah. What's your biggest pet peeve about him?

The road rage, obviously. Probably the road rage. Yeah. Yeah. And I've like, I mean, he knows. And I think it's definitely gotten better. But he knows that it's just one of those things where I think either you have road rage. or you don't even think about it.

Right. Like you're just very unbothered and I'm, I am the unbothered type. And so when I see him getting so upset about, I mean, he's like, first of all, and he like hates when I brag about this, but he's, he's in Mensa. I mean, he's like so smart and brilliant. And I do think sometimes brains like that just notice way more shit than you really need to. Right. Excuse me.

And so he just like clocks constantly all over the road. this person's being an idiot, this guy's going too slow in this lane, what the fuck is this person? And I'm like, oh my, it's just so much. Like, you're not going to be able to control everybody. And I feel like he wants to be like the world's dad, kind of. Or like there's this, he feels like if you see somebody being an idiot, he's like, well, clearly nobody has told you yet that you're a fucking idiot. And it's his job.

I'm going to be the guy. I need to better. You're describing me to a tip. Okay. I mean, I literally, I read a thing on an Instagram real recently about. about that moment where you could have rage, you have to stop and go, all right, this is happening. What do I want to do?

Like, I want to make a right, okay? Focus on making the right. Don't focus on correcting this guy. It's, but I get it like, I don't know. I punched the guy in the face once. What? I was outside my house. I'm driving up the street,

and this guy is driving, and he's veering towards cars on the way down so that they have to pull over to the side. And then he does it to me, and I just pulled in front of him. And I got out, my friend was in the passenger seat. I handed him my coffee. We were going to the hardware store. Okay.

And I got out, and I just clocked this guy across the face. The sunglasses went flying. I got back on the car. Oh, my God. I reversed it. And we just continued. Yeah. Wow.

One punch, you're gone. One punch, and he didn't get out. Wow. Yeah. And I'm always curious, what is the rest of that? guy's day like is he like yeah I deserve it he's like this fuck ass what's off because you do think with some of the

that's like my argument toward chat is when he gets so upset and feels like he needs to reparent these adults I'm like but how often do you actually think that's getting through? Is it changing anybody? I don't know yeah but he's like I have to try I have to try I do like when I honk at somebody and they're ashamed and give me the wave I feel like I made a little progress in the world.

Yes. You know, I think you're right. I do think we don't, I think people used to get punched in the face more, and I think that wasn't a bad thing. You and Chad are for sure the same person. You know, like, especially in L.A. where you see some guy holding up the line, not deciding what he's ordering at the coffee shop until he gets to the counter, and then he treats the, you know, person like shit, or he's on his phone while ordering.

That guy needs to get punched in the face. I just was grabbing a sandwich to go today. And the girl walked over to this guy who's not even, it wasn't talking on the phone, he's just looking at Instagram or whatever. And she's like, okay, here you go. And he's just staring at his phone, just laughing at his phone. Yeah. And she's like, sir, still nothing. And then she's just like, okay, I'm just going to set this here.

And you can tell she was so annoyed. And I was like, that guy should get punched. Yeah. That guy needs a wake up call of like, hey, you are part of society. What are you doing? Yeah. It's, it is crazy. What if when you're born, you are given one bullet and it's got your name on it,

it's got a serial code, and you can use it in any way you want with no ramifications, guilt-free, and then everybody knows someone's got a bullet. This guy might have his bullet and hasn't used it yet. You know, it could make for a better system. At what point in your life would you have used your bullet? Oh, God. This is a good. That's a great question.

Jesus Christ. Write that down on fastballs with Fits. This is my new question. That's a really good question. Ooh. Probably somewhere along the line in my mom's health care. Somebody who didn't treat her right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So she was diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia five and a half years ago. And in that time, I have witnessed so much. much fuckery and just like full on negligence, elder abuse, you know, things where you're just like, you read about this. And then it happens to and you're like, oh, I can't believe that this is all. Just in terms of not being attentive to her needs? Um, like one one person just cold turkey stopped giving her one of her most like vital medications for a week and didn't tell anybody. Really? And she had like a decline from that that she didn't come back from. Oh my God.

She was in another situation where they were like overheating her and not giving her enough fluid. She had to go to the hospital. She like declined again. And it's because with dementia, it's like, you know, it's such a roller coaster, but there are these progressions where you are declining in stages. And once you're in those stages, you don't really go. fight your way out anymore. Yeah, yeah.

And so when it's like a human error, when it's something that is done by somebody else, when my mom cannot take care of herself, that sends me into a murderous rage for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. So I would have actually probably wanted a few more than one bullet. This is a slippery slope.

Maybe when we have a big deficit, you can buy more bullets. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Then the rich people would be killing all the poor people, though. That's true. As if they're not already. That was, I felt myself sounds so Minnesotans. I was like, oh, sure, yeah, yeah.

That's a fun time for it. Oh, yeah, give me more bullets. Sure, yeah. Oh, yeah, bud. Is Fargo in your top five movies of all time? Gosh, I mean, I think I've seen it once. What? I've only lived in Minneapolis for like three and a half years.

All right. You need to sit down and watch that again. It's top. Top four for me. My life just is Fargo now. I mean, that's like all the people I'm around talk like that. It is infectious. Like I have picked it up against my will. No, I heard it and you're special. Oh, that's crazy. I don't even mean for it to, but it's like, I don't know how it doesn't. So wait, you were living in L.A. and then did you move there? No, I moved back to Spokane. Okay.

At the end of 2020. Okay. And then I stayed there. I didn't think I was going to be there that long, but that's when my mom got sick. And so I stayed for two years helping take care of her and was trying to like tour out of Spokane and help take care of her. And touring out of Spokane is it's just like not really feasible. It's like a double connecting flight sometimes. It's horrific. It's a tiny airport. It's like way in the corner of the country.

I was either about to miss shows all the time because I would fly the day of or I would have to like go the day before and come back a day later. It was. And when you're doing like every week. week and then the days at your home, just like witnessing gut-wrenching things happening with your mom, I was like a shell of a human. So, um, Chad and it's not just watching her decline, but it's, I know in my life, the amount of times I'm on a hold in a given week for a credit card or an insurance claim or whatever. And now you're dealing with that times 10. Yeah. With her paperwork and her care. Yeah. I mean, that must be exhausting.

It does something to your mind and body that it's like indescribable. I think that's also part of why drinking for me started to feel different than I used to be able to handle it, handle hangovers much more easily when I was younger. And then I know naturally getting older, you don't handle hangovers as well. But my brain chemistry has like completely changed since going through this and watching this happen to her. It's just like it's a lot. There's like always a lot of very heavy stuff going on. So, yeah, then Chad and I were dating long distance, and, I mean, it was not going to make any sense for him to move to Spokane and us both be touring out of there.

So now I fly home to see my mom like every four to six weeks and FaceTime with her every day and just it's hard. There's like no, there's no perfect way to do all of it. You're just got to do your best. Right. Well, you seem like a good person. Oh, thanks. I should have had you on sooner I'm convinced

you might have it we didn't know you didn't have a podcast I would have come on do you I used to have self-helpless I don't think you would have done that no and and then Chad and I have never had any guests on pretend problems

we just do it ourselves in our house I mean have you watched my stand-up over your life I've I don't know if I've seen a full special of yours I've seen clips I did used to watch you and I love the 70s

I love babies. Oh, there you go. You want to buy some merch? Yeah. But yeah, I mean, you were fucking hysterical on that. Well, that's what I was trying to get to. Yeah. I asked you these questions. No, all right, there's some things I want to get to. Okay. See, a lot of, some podcasts, they don't write a script. This is so prepared. You know what? Did I have you on my podcast cooked? I had a very old podcast that I was like, nobody listened to. Maybe I had you on that. Maybe that's what it was. Look up. cook we've oh it's like I don't even think there's anything online about it anymore it's old as hell but I feel like we've we've I feel like we've had a proper conversation before but it's just been

forever right okay well look if I'm ever in Minneapolis I'd love to go out to dinner with you and Chad we would love that there's so many comics where like we look at the Acme calendar yeah oh them then we should hang out and then it's like we're always gone right but if we're not and you're there would love you come over to our house yeah or if you come over to our house yeah or if you to L.A., my wife, my wife's great. You'd really love her. I would love that. I like her already. She watched my special. Oh my God. She's not like that either. She doesn't, we don't have the same sense of humor. So once in a while we agree on something. She likes, um, I don't know, kind of corny. I'm not describing your act, but like, great. She likes a really fucking bad

comedy. She likes kind of low-hanging fruit. The hackier, the better for her. Yeah, see, my wife is dumb, so she only gets jokes that are really, like, laid out in a simple way. And your special really... Just spoon-fed her. All right. Matt Schuller produced your special. He produced my last special.

How was your experience? The best. He's produced all of my own. He's the best. Yeah, he's the guy. Yeah. Yeah, I don't even know who else does it. 800-pound gorilla.

They're good at producing, but then they're putting it out part I don't love. Well, so here's the thing. They're two different companies so I can say that. Okay, yeah, yeah. My first two went on their YouTube. Yeah. And it was like a YouTube and then also licensed to Hulu. So, and I feel very fortunate they did well on there, but with this, I financed this one.

Yeah. Because I was like, even if it doesn't get. sold anywhere, I want to put it on my own YouTube. On your own YouTube. That's my issue with it. That was, it was, that was frustrating. Although it's like, you know, they, they have a good subscriber ship. Is that a word? Why does that sound weird? Yeah, but you're not trying to build theirs. You're trying to build yours. I know. I know. So it's like, it's that whole, it's like, would it have done as well? If I had put it on mine, I don't know. It did really well on theirs, but then you don't get those followers. Exactly. So I had told myself, no matter what, I want it to go on my YouTube if it doesn't

get sold, and then it got sold, which was what I wanted anyway. So wait a minute, you self-finance and then YouTube, and then Netflix gave you a check to cover, they gave you the standard amount that everybody gets? The licensing fee, yeah. And did that cover the whole special? Yep. I mean, you made some money. I made some money, not like a crazy amount, but like, I, I mean, I think back on me, you know, being like a couple years into comedy and getting a check like that, and I would have shit my pants. I mean, it's, it is very, it's like, it's still very exciting. So, but you're going to make the money now on the club work. You're going to really see your numbers go crazy.

I hope. What do you mean you hope? You know, you know they're going to go up because of Netflix. Yeah. Yeah. You got a bunch of dates coming up. Get to those in a minute. Thanks.

My favorite line in the special is you talked about getting a haircut and some guy shits on you for it and you go, hey, I fired my hair. Yours quit. What a great fucking line. Oh, thanks. Yeah, I love that. Thank you. What, I think we covered everything else. Yeah, we covered everything else. So that means it's time for fastballs with fits. Whoa. Now I know you haven't done the show because I'm ready. You, you, yeah, this is, this is really, this goes really viral every week. Okay. It gets huge. Oh my God.

So, I'm nervous. Really, really nail it. Have you ever been arrested? No. Who's the worst opener that you ever had? Not by name, just. Oh, man. This is brutal.

You don't have to say their name. I had, I had a guy once who, this is probably not the word. situation, but it's just all I can think of right now. I had a guy who like before we went on stage saw a picture of me and was like, that's not you. And it was just like me without makeup. I was like, no, that's me. And he's like, no, it's not. I was like, yeah, that's, that's me, man. And he's like, and he like would not. And he was genuinely like, truly was like, no. And I was like, okay, well, I'm going to walk into traffic. This is a bad. Let me explain your job. You make me feel good before I go on and you prepare the crowd for me.

That's your job. Yeah. Yeah. That was just one where, I mean, again, certainly not the worst opener I've ever had. Boy, that's something guys don't have to think about. This whole makeup thing has come up a few times. And, you know, we don't like, I literally, if I have a zit, I go like, I'll get it later. You know, whatever. Guys don't care at all.

It could be oozing. Yeah. Yeah. It is funny. And some women, I think, can pull off no makeup much more easily than others. I have very fair coloring. Yeah. Light skin, my eyelashes are essentially blonde. I have no natural pigment in my lips. And so without makeup, I kind of look like a thumb. Yeah. I'm just like one beige figure. At least it's a thumbs up. Yeah, you know. But I don't know. I just think like, like,

Like a little mascara and lip gloss goes a long way from. Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Yeah. See, I don't know what's happening to you. Who's your best Asian friend? My best Asian friend. Probably my friend Jocelyn. Jocelyn? What kind of Asian name is that? What's her last name? I'm going to give her full. Is it Asian? No. I don't think she's Asian. She's Italian. She's adopted. Oh, she is? Yeah. Oh. Childhood friend?

A work friend from when I lived in Seattle. Oh. Well, there's a lot of Asians in Seattle. That's true. Spokane, it probably would have stood out a lot more, right? One of four people, yeah. How many black kids did you know growing up? I mean, there were maybe five in our school.

So you had a basketball team. We had a basketball team. White kid had to sub. Yeah. There are two types of people in the world. Go. Ooh, I mean, people with road rage and people without road rage. Yeah, I knew you said that.

I don't know. This is such a good one, and I don't have enough time to think about it. It's all right. We'll edit it together. Okay. Can we bring a scratch pad and a pen? People who fuck. People who fuck.

People who, I just want to think about manner stuff. For some reason, it's like I'm big on, like it drives me crazy when people are just rude or like don't say thank you when you hold the door open for them or. That's my favorite line from that talking head song, Psycho Killer, is I hate people when they're not polite. Psycho Killer. Yeah, I don't know. I think like manners were drilled into me as a kid. And so it's just more obvious when people aren't polite. Yeah.

It bothers me. Okay. Sorry, that wasn't a heart-hitting comedy moment. No, because you already got it. That one's not going viral. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, that one, well, it might in a weird way. Okay.

Have you ever not finished a set on stage? No. I see that in you. No, you seem like you're a journeyman. Like, you do your work. You don't give up. Yeah, no. You're like Meredith Baxter-Bernie.

Anybody ever tell you that? Do you know who that is? No. I mean, that name sounds familiar, but... She was the mother on family ties. Oh, okay. If we could pull up a picture of that. Petico Junction, though.

Oh, she was on Pedico Junction, yeah. We're dating ourselves. Yeah. Yeah, I... This was just in April. I got really sick and was losing my voice, and I still did. did both shows that night, but I just told them, I was like, I'm like, sorry if you're not going to be able to understand these jokes very well, but I'm not going to like cancel on you an hour before the show. And I mean, I think it was still a fun time, but I mean, you know, I feel like you're the exact same way. You like push through virtually any illness. Yeah, yeah. I can't think of canceling a show for being sick in my life. It just somehow when you, and I don't think it's just comedy. I think when you work for yourself,

you don't call in sick. There's because there's no sub. Yeah. Yeah, they could book somebody else, but it's like, it's so different. There's also no paid time off. Yeah. It's like you just are so aware that you were about to impact so many people's plans. So it has to be a really big thing.

I've canceled this, maybe like two years ago. I got the flu to the point where I was like, I'm like throwing up and like all this stuff where I'm like, I shouldn't get on a plane right now. We rescheduled that weekend. And then I had one where it was like winter storm. And, like, I'm. airports were being shut down and we had to cancel the last

night of shows or else we were going to be stuck there for like an extra two or three days and I was like I have to get home I can't be shut down in this and so it takes a really big thing I fucking hate any sort of cancellation right and halfway through a set when they suck

and they're giving you nothing and you know sometimes you do like sometimes I'll do like an improv for the weekend in a city that I've never worked and it's like a five, six hundred seat room. I'm doing five shows. So they start giving out some free passes because I'm not selling the place out. And man, those crowds, they're more interested in the chicken wings than they are watching you on stage. Chad says this all the time with with those sort of rooms where it's like the 500, 600 seat. It's like, if I could sell 2,500 tickets in this city,

I would not be doing this room. I would do two shows in a theater and get the hell out. So it is so it's yeah I've started to ask my agents I'm like can we do three shows yeah in the ones that are 500 seats so it's like I know it's going to be less money for me but I would rather have three shows that feel like somewhat close to normal shows well the club just the club just the club just wants more people buying drinks and chicken wings so they I know they want the five shows with the free passes that works for them I know but then you're doing a show for four four bought tickets on a Friday late show and a hundred papered. And you're like, why did we do this?

Yeah. So I don't know. It's a lot of work. It's a different gear, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I do like hitting that other gear sometimes of like they don't know me. I got to introduce myself to them. I got to win them over. Yeah. And then I got to own them by the end.

Like we talk about talent. What's his name? Sam. Sam Talent's book. And he really describes that feeling of like as fucked up and debauchous as this comedian is. He's on Coke. He's drunk. He's in car accidents.

But when he gets on stage, he still will fight. Everything else in his life he's given up on except for that set that he's in right there. And that he can transform whatever shit show is happening into like they will listen. Right. And they will respect him and they'll laugh. Right. Yeah. That's such a good book.

Yeah. Did we land on the moon? Yes. Okay. I don't get far enough into conspiracy theories to have a strong opinion against that. I'm just going to go with yes. What's the last time you apologized to somebody, like deeply apologized? Oh my gosh, this is funny you asked this.

I won't get too into it because I don't want to redo what I just did, but I... To involve your daughter-in-law, how your step-daughter? No, I apologize to my brother and sister-in-law for... jokes about them that I thought were like just stuff that we joked about already and were fine but I do understand that like when you are not in the comedy where you're just like have a normal life and then you see your sister on this like giant platform talking about your life and you did I it's not like I let them know ahead of time or ran it by them and yeah I it was just a good like a good reminder for me to zoom out a little bit and not be so in my own the comedy world of like,

oh yeah, this is all fine. It's like, yeah, sometimes, it's like if you're going to talk about people, especially loved ones, like, make sure that everybody is like totally okay with this, even if you think. So I, that was like a very sincere where I had felt really, really badly that it didn't land. Oh, I like was, I could like feel myself getting choked up. I didn't do a full cry, but I just, I very quickly, like, as soon as I realized that it had not landed the way I wanted to, was like, I am so, like, yeah. Are you a crier? Yeah.

Yeah. What makes you cry? I mean, if it's the second half of my cycle, fucking anything. Really? Yeah. I feel like, I'm 37, so you start to get into the perimenopause time where your hormones are just a mess. But like the mom stuff, obviously, I cry. Like, you just go through these weird grief cycles where your brain kind of like shuts down those emotions for weeks at a time because you're just trying to like get through day to day.

And then one small thing. Like I drove by a restaurant yesterday in L.A. that I had gone to with my mom because my mom had tried to live here for a little bit when I lived here. And I had like completely forgotten that we'd gone to that restaurant together. and I just had this very vivid memory suddenly of like my old mom and I just like eating chicken together and I was just like, ooh, that got me. That got me pretty misty pretty quickly because I just, it's weird. It's so. So you had forgotten it and you suddenly remembered it.

Yeah, yeah. I just hadn't. Has that happened at all with me during this podcast? Are you going to cry now? I so, I always respect when a comment can take a moment that's like very. so dark and heartfelt and be like also what about this though? I appreciate it. Last one.

Hackiest bit you've ever done. Oh, it's so, this is funny because it's become like maybe my most like well-known joke, which I had never expected it to, but I had this old joke about like, autocorrect gone wrong, which became, I think it became hacky. I feel like at the time it didn't feel that way, but like later on then everybody had an correct. Yes, that happens. That happens.

But it was about my childhood cat getting hit by a car, but that my, like, the phone had auto corrected the cat's name to one of our best friend's names. And so I was like, it's just like a back and forth. I've seen you do this bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like repost it. every year because it always just goes in the algorithm again, which is so nice. But I mean, like, yeah, any sort of auto-correct, you kind of look back on it.

You're like, yeah, that became hacky. But at the time, you know, it used to like do great. Yeah, it's funny. Like, you think of a bit and it's like you really cornered the market on it. You broke new ground. It's yours. And then you see someone else do it. And then you think, oh, that person stole my joke until you see two more people do it.

Then you go, oh, no, it's just a premise. I'm just a hack, yeah, no. Yeah. Yeah. It's not hacky. It's just at the time it wasn't, and they made it hacky. Yes, and it was just a, like, autocrect has mishaps constantly every day, and it became an easy thing. Mine was, what had really happened was I was crying so hard to my friend that she thought I had said my other friend's name, and her reactions were, like, very subdued about it.

Yeah. Like, what? And then we got to school the next day. And our friend was still alive. And my other friend was like, wait, what? I thought you were dead. And then I put it together. I was like, that's how you reacted to you thought she got hit by a car and was like pregnant and shit?

You know, like all that, whatever. It was, it just, that's what I then, like a million years later. Because that was when I was in middle school or something. Yeah. Decided to write a joke. But, yeah. You're coming up. Some dates.

You're going to be September 17 through 19 at the Portland. Portland. Helium? Yes. Ray Club. One of my favorites in the country. I'll be there New Year's Eve. Oh, great.

Dallas at the Addison Improv, September 24th through 26th. That's a really fun. The owner of that place is a character. Oh, my gosh. I'm trying to, I think I've met the owner. Sometimes I always confused, like, who's the owner who's the manager. But, yeah, I've only done. He seems like, and he's not on cocaine, but he seems like he's on cocaine.

Then you're going to be in. Cincinnati, Atlanta, Dublin, Ireland. Chad and I are doing, you're like, oh, your honeymoon, you're doing for us. That's going to be our honeymoon as we're touring Europe together. Dublin, London, Paris, Amsterdam. If you go to Kelsey Cook with a K, well, not, it's K Kelsey and then C-O-O-K at the end. So it starts with a K and it ends with a K. Is your middle name Karen?

That would be so awesome. That would be a little suspicious for how pale I am. Yes. All right. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. I can't wait. We're going to remember each other next time.

We are cementing this. Yeah. All right. Say how to Chad. I will. Come to Minneapolis, have dinner with us. All right. Sounds great.