Fitzdog Radio - Kevin Nealon - Episode 1088

Episode Date: February 27, 2025

Here to talk about the SNL 50th party, I’m honored to have back on my good friend Kevin Nealon. Follow Kevin Nealon on Instagram @KevinNealonWatch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMeAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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sportsbook worth a celly, and an official sports betting partner of the National Hockey League. BetMGM.com for terms and conditions. Must be 19 years of age or older to wager, Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have any questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact CONNECT ONTARIO at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Hey, welcome to Fitts Dogg Radio. Very excited about my guest today, Mr. Kevin Nealon, hot off the 50th anniversary of SNL, where he was ranked number nine or eight as the greatest anchors of all time. I think he was also like the longest running cast member at the time when he left the show. So anyway we had a nice talk this past

week. I was honored as always that he would come in. He's a good friend and and I he says he doesn't do any podcasts except for mine and Conan O'Brien's and he gets asked constantly I don't know why people do mine nobody listens they just like me they like hanging out with me I take that as a real compliment anyway welcome I am what am I doing on hold today for a long time with Blue Shield of California I don't know why why are we on a whole let's talk about the idea of corporations that know that a lot of people are gonna call that day having just few enough operators that you are always consistently on hold

for 10 to 20 minutes. Does it make sense when they're hiring people that are in the third world, that they're paying $2 for the day, can they not pay the extra two bucks? I'm literally like, I'm at the point now where as soon as I get through to the recording, I just start hitting zero

and saying agent, agent, agent, agent, agent. And they literally, they must know that if somebody says agent enough times that they are on the edge of a nervous breakdown and they need to let you through, or there's gonna be violence and I think maybe Luigi killing that guy is putting a little bounce in their step maybe they're gonna pick up after after 72 agents instead of

79 times of you saying agents who knows but it's just amazing because and then they want you to hit buttons they don't want to give you a per hit three if there's an error on your bill no no if I want to pay for something let me pay for it you're already fucking me over now I want to give you money and now you're wasting 20 minutes of my time hitting buttons? That's how I say it? Yeah. So anyway, more about corporate America to come. I'm very upset about it lately and I just don't understand how America doesn't see that this is the problem. It's not the politicians.

It's the corporations that are electing the politicians. Now Trump is getting rid of this agency that basically helps consumer, it's a consumer protection agency that they are cheering as he fires middle fucking middle management job like average workers, fucking good jobs. Why are we cheering him getting rid of good jobs that are looking after consumers that are suing corporations for getting fucked over on health insurance, etc card companies loan companies I don't know I don't know what's going on with this country it's fucking crazy anyway saw a lot of bad comedy recently I was at a club and I was watching some comics here's the thing about stand-up comedy

to be a comedian you should be fucked up. You should be a broken toy. That was always the criteria before. There should be no other option for you in the workplace besides being a stand-up comic. You should be dyslexic. You should have been addicted to something. If you were not arrested you should not be on a stage. Why should 200 people be quiet for 15 minutes or 20 minutes for you to talk when you basically have done nothing? You grew up in the suburbs, your parents paid for college, you took a comedy class, you built up social media by doing it the way every other social media influencer did

and now you're writing jokes about, I don't know what, your parents are paying your rent, what the fuck do you have to talk about? Earn it! Have you ever traveled alone? Have you ever, have you ever fought? Have you ever had a fist fight with a stranger? Have you ever cheered up a friend who got beat up by their parents by making them laugh? Were you the one in the playground that everybody crowded around because you were so funny? No? Then what the fuck are you doing on a comedy club stage? There's so much mediocre comedy and they're

watering down whatever I sound like a bitter old guy but I'm not I was a fucking drunk got in fights was spent a couple weekends in jail I have ADHD I'm bald it's always in trouble beat me. I get to be a comedian. All right, this is a waste of time. People tuned in because Kevin Nealon is on the show. Before we get to him, I want to remind you about some upcoming tour dates. Atlanta punchline, March 6th through the 8th. Hollywood improv for the St. Patrick's Day show on March 15th. Hamilton, Ontario, March 26th,

Toronto March 27th, we got Pittsburgh, Boston, Escondido, Tampa, La Jolla, all tickets available at FitzDog.com and now my guest is a Primetime Emmy Award nominee Screen Actors Guild winner Saturday Night Live from 86 to 95 he was on weeds on Showtime he was on Halpy Gilmore the Wedding Singer anger management little Nicky daddy daycare grandma's boy you don't mess with Zohan I mean mean Larry Sanders show. This guy is a fucking legend. He's so talented. He's got this great book out called I Exaggerate where he does caricatures of some of your favorite people. And he's got a podcast called Hiking with Kevin that you can watch every, I don't know if it's every week, maybe it's every other week, but a lot of back

episodes to watch that are amazing. So again, I'm honored he's here. Here's my talk with the great Kevin Nealon. Welcome to Fitts Dog Radio. Kevinal, and you've been on the show... A thousand times. I'd say probably ten times. Too many. It's not too many. You walked in the door with this attitude.

No, no, no. I'm saying ten times in the last month I've been here. I should have an attitude about that, right? But you came in and you said you'll never do it again. And that makes me feel like I either want to do a great one with you right now or just really mail it in. You should always do a great one. And I said I'll never do it again after the first time.

No you didn't. You just don't remember, play it back. Go get the old VHS and play it back. Let's play it back. See, right there. Oh Jesus, wow. But you haven't done other podcasts, you said, in a long time.

Nope. Just Conan. Just Conan. Yeah. And I just can't, you said, in a long time. Nope. Just Conan's. Just Conan. Yeah. And I just can't, I can't do it. Yeah. It just... Gobbles up your day.

It doesn't do anything for me. No. Nobody watches podcasts. Nobody does, no. It only decided the last election. I do it to, because I feel like I'm helping my friends a little bit, because I know what it's like,

because I have this little hiking show called Hiking with Kevin on YouTube. And it's hard to get people at my age that aren't in wheelchairs. Well, especially if they're trying to hike. Have you had anybody in a wheelchair go on Hiking with Kevin? Let's see.

Well, there was Kane, Crutches. No, no wheelchairs, yet. There's a guy who has cerebral palsy that I saw in Austin who's one of the funniest comics I've seen in years. I wish I could remember his name right now. But the crowd does give you a little extra when you go up with something wrong with you. So I've often thought maybe I should fake some,

fake I'm blind, but then I can't do crowd work. People know who you are anyway, it's hard to get away with that. Can have a stroke. That's not, how about a brain aneurysm? That's good. And have it right there on the stage. And make sure it's being videotaped.

Yeah, yeah, now we're talking. That would be viral. Or what if I got. Yeah, yeah. That would be viral. Or what if I got a virus on stage? That would be viral. This has nothing to do with that, but I was at the Ice House about six months ago, and I'm on stage, and I hear this, ah, ah, off to the side. I thought, this guy's trying to distract me.

I'm gonna walk over to this side of the stage. And then someone in the audience goes, he's joking, he's joking. I turn around and they're all around him. I've never done this before. I've known the Heimlich maneuver for years, but I've never done it. I've always wait to see somebody else who's gonna do it.

Because I don't wanna be around someone when they're about to die maybe. So I don't know, for some reason I just jumped into action. I jumped off the stage and I got behind him and there's one person each side and he weighs like, he's not even that big but he weighs a lot. I'm trying to get him up. I go lift up each side, lift up and they're lifting him up

and I'm about to do it and he comes around and come to find out he wasn't choking. And the woman in the audience goes, give him the Heimlich maneuver. he wasn't choking. And the woman in the audience goes, give him the Heimlich maneuver. He wasn't choking. He was taking a lot of medicine because he had stomach cancer. I found out later, if I did that to his stomach,

it probably would have spread throughout his whole body. I just listened to the lady, he's choking. She's weighing the back, she doesn't even know. Is that how cancer works? If you push on it, it spreads? I don't know. So like if someone has breast cancer, don't hug them tight because you might spread it. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. How did you figure it was the guy like stop, stop trying to get... He was like, he was out. And then he came around and they said he was breathing. I said, what do you mean he's breathing? I know the Heimlich maneuver. This is the chance I get to use it. I did see someone do the Heimlich maneuver once in Hawaii.

You know, it just got there, was sitting out on the deck, you know, it's really nice and having breakfast. And all of a sudden this guy, like maybe, I don't know, 20, 30 yards away, kind of outside more, starts, he's holding his, you know, I thought this guy's I

think he's having a heart attack this guy and then another guy I'm about to get up to go over there and thank God somebody else came behind him and started doing the Heimlich and it's really it's violent you have to really pick them up off the ground and this piece of meat come flying across really yeah this is the second time I've seen the Heimlich performed no shit first one's always the best you you know what I mean? I feel like it, yeah, because after that it just becomes like, you know, who can shoot it further?

They get competitive. Yeah. I would save the piece of meat if I was that guy. No, the guy went over there and he ate it, because it's expensive. That's expensive food in Hawaii. It is, yeah. Congratulations, you were just nominated by Steve Martin as the number nine weekend update person of all time. I think you're wrong about that.

No, I'm not. I will bet you a million dollars. Eight, 10, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. No. It wasn't Steve Martin, it was Bill Murray.

Oh! Take a break, we'll be right back. You know, I gotta. You know, you've got to... You know, you really... It's like a nightmare. They do something like that and for the rest of my life, you are number nine. I hate those lists where they rank them.

Who's ranking them? Right. Well, Bill Murray is. Well, when they do the Rolling Stones, you know, 100 best sketches on SNL, it's people that weren't alive when I was doing my sketches. They're like 30 year olds and 20 year olds and they're ranking the cast from Will Ferrell who was on right after me.

Right, right. Well I think that Hans and Franz generally makes it in those lists. Did not make it. No. No, that's what I heard. What? Yeah.

Mrs. Subliminal, what? Yeah. Yeah, a lot of good things. But you know, they had the best commercials on over the years the other night. And there wasn't the change bank, which I think is the best commercial ever. With Jim Downey. How did it go?

Huh, the change bank? Jim Downey's hosting, it says, it's a commercial for the change bank saying, if you come to us with $20, we could give you change for that. We can give you a 10 and two fives, or we can give you four fives. We could even give you $15 and then $5 and quarters,

because we're the change bank. And it's very serious, you know, like a very important bank. And then I would come in and say, so you're saying that if I brought in $100, I could get 100 single bills? We would give you 100 single bills for that $100. It was the greatest commercial ever.

Didn't make it. I don't think it made it. I didn't see it on the show. You got a lot of love though. I feel like your face popped up a bunch of times. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, were you there? Yeah, I was in the audience.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, did you see that you came up a lot? No. You feel like you didn't. You mean at the music event? No, not the music event. At the regular, you mean in the audience?

No, just like sketches that you ran. Oh, yeah, like the love toilet. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the love toilet and a quick weekend update. Yeah. But you know what? It's kind of like that puts a seal on it now. It's done.

Right. You know? It's, it's, you know, it was a big part of my life back then and it always has been. And it's funny, you know, when you're on that show, you're constantly looking for Lorne Michael's approval. Yeah. With sketches and, you know, your work ethic and stuff. And 30 years later, I'm still looking for it.

Even like when I'm in the grocery store and pulling a carton of milk off, I go, I wonder if Lorne would approve of this milk. By the way, maybe I should do chocolate milk. You know, that sounds like PTSD. You need to work through. It is. I mean, even thinking about sketches to write. Because it was such an opportunity and an experience

to be on that stage, to be live. I remember before I went on my first sketch, Mr. Subliminal, Lauren comes up to me, 10 seconds away in commercial. He puts his hand on my shoulder, he goes, are you sure this is what you want? Really? Yeah. Yeah. There was this, there was a documentary that I just saw where it kind of portrayed him as being a guy who plays a lot of mental games with people and that, you know, to the effect that he brings

out the best in them, but he does it through positive and negative reinforcement. Yeah. Yeah. and negative reinforcement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like a conductor. I mean, I think he, not intentionally, but I think he's confused a lot of people have gone there to try to figure out what to do with their tenure there. Yeah.

So you said once that you really always consider yourself a standup and not a sketch writer, like that you didn't really ever feel like you were a good sketch writer. I think it was more of a sketch player, cause I wasn't like broad, I wasn't really broad, church lady characters or the cheerleaders. So mine, Hanseler Franz was the only one

I think I've ever done that was broad like that. So, but I always thought in terms of standup, you know, punch line, set up punch line, you know that attitude. And then all of a sudden I have to write sketches for SNL. I don't know anything about writing a sketch. I didn't know that they're not supposed to have an ending. Right?

I wrote a sketch with an ending once and they go, oh I see, so this happens from that happening. Okay. You mean they don't want a hard ending? No. At least back then they didn't. Yeah. They want a funny beat and then another beat,

another beat. Whatever it is and then just go out, whatever. But I guess sketches had endings. But yeah, I guess sketches had endings, but yeah, I guess it was too obvious of an ending that I wrote. But I liked writing, but. Who did you partner up with when you wrote?

Me. You didn't write with anybody else. Not too much. The first sketch I wrote with Al Franken, Mr. Subliminal. And then you kind of partner up, like Jim Downey was the head writer, you kind of go and knock on his office and say, hey, I got this and that, what do you think?

Well, maybe if you did that. But it's not like staying up to two in the morning writing with somebody. Dana really is the only person I wrote with, like the Hans and Franz stuff. And we used to jam on ideas before either one of us was on SNL. We shared a house in the Hollywood Hills.

And we would be out in the driveway just talking about different ideas for things. You know, like I remember there was the two, there were the two porn guys, you know, we're getting made up, we're in the makeup chairs, and we're getting made up, we're getting, what do you call it, fluffed down there, or whatever they call it, you would know.

So anyway. I'm fluffing right now. Yeah, fluffing. And we, Dana and I would just be having a regular conversation, occasionally talk to the makeup artists. So Nick, are you going to that party tomorrow? That's right, Sally, give it a little pinstripes on the side,

make it nice for the people. Because I went to that party last week, and I did a little powder down around the balls, it'd be nice, yeah, just for the people. It was everything that was for the people. That's hilarious. I remember the porn bit you used to do where you said, I was watching a porn movie the other day

and the beginning of it, what is it, I was good? Interested, interested, suddenly no interest. And then, interested again. Interested again, interested again, it's a long bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a long bit. But even Dane and I used to do the Beatle anthology, the naughty anthology.

One time I remember I was sitting on George's face and took a big old plumpy poop on his face and that's when we wrote Strawberry Fields Forever. You know, it was always that. So you know, I had some characters going in there, but I don't, my audition I think I just did, you know, something for my stand up act. Yeah, so you didn't do Subliminal Man before us now.

I did something called tagging. Yeah, I remember seeing that like at the Comedy Cellar years ago. Yeah, where I would just insert a word really quickly. But it wasn't to get something from somebody, which it wasn't SNL Met's tickets, you know what I mean, just throw that in there. We'll go out to a restaurant later,

you're treating, you know, I'll pick up the check. Yeah, yeah. God, you have the whitest teeth. Yeah, I use, you know, the, you put the wraps on. Oh, you had them bleached? Yeah. Ah, that's also good for COVID, I think, bleach.

I think it is. Yeah. And did you have that gap for COVID, I think, Bleach. I think it is. Yeah. And did you have that gap closed in a little bit? No. It's the same width? Yeah. Has it seemed less wide than before?

You know, Ron Howard's is a little bit wider, so maybe I'm confusing him. Paul Shear has a wide one. Paul Shear. Letterman has a wide one. Yeah. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Does he?

He might've filled it in. I saw his son's penis last night. Really? He's in the new season of White Lotus. Is it built up? It's as Arnold saw it and he said, I say it was at the premiere and he comes out and he goes I saw my son's penis. The apple does not fall far from the tree. The cherry does not fall far from the tree. The cherry does not fall far from the tree. So you watched it last night? Don't tell me about it, because I want to see it. But Arnold Schwarzenegger's son is an actor? Yes.

And I saw, he was at a party once. I do work with this group called Best Buddies. They help people that have intellectual disabilities. So we were up in that class. You're being considered. Yeah. If you could send a tape. If you could send in a tape. So we're up at the Getty Center and there's this big cocktail party.

And this is probably five years ago. So my daughter was like 15 and uh he was probably 18 and uh he flirted with my daughter and she's she kind of fell for him and then uh she's about schwarzenegger the sun worse schwarzenegger no my what my daughter does not clean houses oh my god that was so racist. That's funny that the passive aggressively racist guy, because like, dude, yeah, this guy fucking robbed my car.

That's racist. Yeah, you can't talk about people that robbed your car because maybe it wasn't a person. You know, you're gonna badmouth people like that no so um he's so he was in uh he was another show before but you know it is is he the body builder guy this kid or is he the one from the housekeeper no sorry the housekeeper is the bodybuilder right so it's not him no it's it's patrick who is maria shriver yeah he went to my son's school ahead of it yeah he used he used to date Taylor Swift, I think. Yes, he did.

Really? Oh no, maybe I'm thinking of the Kennedy kid. No, no, he dated somebody. Yeah? Could somebody look that up? Patrick Schwarzenegger. But yeah, he does a good job. He's not great.

I mean, it's tough because, you know, you grow up in a world where you generally go into whatever your father did or your mother did, that's what you end up doing. Just because you've seen it done and you wanna be like your dad, but then if you go into acting, they call you a nepo baby. But what are you supposed to do, just not do it?

I think a nepo baby is somebody who gets help from their family. But maybe it's it's already instantaneous help because people know that you're related to them. So that gives you a foot up. Yeah. Your your son is what? 17 now? 18. 18. Does he have any interest in going in the entertainment field? Dude, he's on SNL right now. Stop it. He's part of the cast. Stop it. No, he's on SNL right now. Stop it. He's part of the cast.

Stop it. No, he doesn't really, no, he wants to be in some form of entertainment, but not in front of the camera. He wants to do, and he's not even really sure, he used to want to be a director, but then he did this course at Northwestern University during the summer for five weeks,

where he directed, and then afterwards he goes, I'm not sure I want to be a director. So he might want to get into the business end of it, but he's not like, he doesn't wanna be like me. Although he's an incredible mimic. I mean, he picks up these little nuances from everybody and he'll do it. I go, oh my God, that's like spot on right there. Yeah, like a Jim Carrey kind of a thing.

Only not as broad. Yeah. So we go, don't worry about that. My kids are 21 and 24 and they still can't figure out what they wanna do. And I realize like, nobody does anymore. Kids don't really make that choice til later. People get married later, they have kids later,

they die later. So, I kinda am giving my kids their early 20s to just like, try shit. Like my daughter came in here for a while and she was helping out on the production side Oh, and she couldn't stand the people she was working for Yeah, no, I was always a slow mover You know, yeah

I lost my virginity at 20 and then I lost a little more of it in San Francisco at 21 and Then a whole bunch of it in San Francisco. Oh my god. I Still got a little left just for in San Francisco. Oh my God. I still got a little left just for that right person. You know what I'm saying? Fitzy. That's good. How much is the water? We validate your parking as well.

Oh, and I bought you a FitzDog radio coffee cup. Have I ever given one to you before? I will add that to my collection. I've got every talk show coffee cup in the world since, I don't know, since the Tonight Show. You just did Good Morning America last week. Did you get a cup? No.

So when you just said I've got one from every talk show. That's not a talk show. That's a morning show. I'll accept your apology. You got two things wrong so far. What was the other thing? The number nine, Steve Martin. Oh, right, right, right.

I've got all these notes. You know what's the worst, Fitz, is when something like that is on TV, people will text you and go, hey man, that's BS, that Bill Murray did that. You shouldn't have done that. I made me sad.

I said, well it didn't make me sad. What, you trying to make me sad? You know? Your sketches weren't in, your characters weren't in the top 50 in Rolling Stone, 100 in Rolling Stone. It bothers you more than it bothers me. I never expected to be on that show. You were the longest running cast member in history at the time. For a while, yeah. And now people to be on that show. You were the longest running cast member

in history at the time. For a while, yeah. Yeah. And now people have been on it for like 20 years or whatever. Well, Keenan has been on it for... Keenan. Every time, and I keep hearing he's retired and then you turn it on next season and he's back. I'll tell you what, the show is,

had a really good resurgence. There was a time after you guys left, after, you know, Sandler and everybody left, that I felt like it really took a dive. And then the women bought it back. I feel like Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. And there was a bunch of women that brought it back. And now I feel like there's a young cast now that's doing it in a way that is different. It's definitely more like clippable for the internet.

It's more, I think, relatable to younger people. I think they're smart. They're not trying to, they're still trying to bring in young people. Yeah, no, I was there the other night and I'm looking at this cast member and I'm like, they could be my grandchildren. Yeah.

You know? Right. But yet here I am still, you know, ambitious and trying to, you know, oh, I'm better than I am, or whatever. So it's funny that way. It's just generational. It keeps moving along and you keep staying on your wave

and you keep enjoying what you're doing. And don't try to be, you know, the king of comedy right now. Because, you know, what you're doing. And don't try to be the king of comedy right now. Because it's too late. Well, the thing is about you, you've done it your own way. You've done stand up, you've done acting, and you've got your podcast.

And I never feel like you're chasing anything. I feel like you attract things to you. You do a lot of films with, are Sandler's called films or movies? I believe they are called films. They are. Yeah, yeah. Some people do call them movies though.

I feel like the difference between film and movie is the difference between comic and comedian. Like I feel like comedian is to film what comic is to movie. Like it's more broad, it's not as respected, but it's generally more accessible and... Yeah, yeah. Well, let me ask you this. What is the difference between a legend and legendary? Legend and legendary. I would say you and John Lovitz. Legend?

You're the legend. Or legendary is you could be a legend. You have those qualities. It's like legend-ish. Sort of legendary. Yeah. Yeah. I guess you'll never know if you're a legend

or legendary until you die and then you won't know. Right. But it's just about maybe remembering somebody for what they did. Yeah. But you know after a certain point people forget. Well, that's what I was just gonna say. Like I've talked to people. I remember Louis CK telling me about doing his specials and he used the word legacy.

He talked about his legacy and I thought what a crazy thing to be thinking about you know. Yeah. And it's like and good for him it's just it's a different way of looking at your career. Like to me I think I'm similar to you in the sense that I get a gig in Cincinnati for the week. I am all in on the gig in Cincinnati that week. Nobody is more all in than you are for a gig. I see you post things. I see you, when I come to this gig after you, it's like, oh my God, that Fitzsimmons man,

he's really, really hungry and desperate. It's the microphone is still sweaty when he left. No, but you do, you give it your all. I noticed that, you don't phone it in. The microphone is still sweaty when he left. No, but you do, you give it your all. I noticed that, you don't phone it in. And I applaud you for that. Well, thank you, but I think I watch you and I see that you go, you know, you're on the road a lot. I'll read your schedule later,

but I mean, you hit the road hard. And then when you're in town, do you live down south or do you live in? No, I live near UCLA. Okay. Yeah, and then you'll drive out to Pasadena To do a show for $50. No. Oh Really 200 you get 50 I get 50. Yeah, I got 50 Don't compare that Do not compare. That's why I don't go out there anymore. I don't know if it was 50.

Maybe it was more. But you go out, you do my podcast. You don't need to do this. You don't need to do those spots. But you go out and you still are as much in it as you've ever been. Well, I love stand up. The only reason I got into this was stand up.

I loved watching Albert Brooks and Steve Martin back then, and Richard Pryor, and that's all I had my sights on. And then, when you're in Hollywood for a while, you're doing these clubs and casting people come in, and all of a sudden you're in an acting class in LA. And a lot of them, one after another, learning how to work in front of a camera or do a cold reading.

But yeah, I always wanted standup. So I love it. I never stopped doing it except for the pandemic, like a lot of people. Maybe one or two parking lot stuff, but it's just in our blood. Yep. I can't stop.

And I do think about retiring at some point, but I think I would have to. What is that? What's retiring? Well, here's the thing. You think you're retired and then someone goes hey you want to do a cruise ship to the Bahamas yeah I'm 78 but fuck it free trip yeah I'll do it and then babes and then the wrinkles on her they're really tight that's so you like

man that's looking pretty creamy man. I still got a little bit of my virginity left. I got some Caribbean virginity you're just waiting to get out there baby. I'll rub some lotion on that. Now you get me worked up. Jesus. But yeah I don't think I'll ever retire I mean I can never retire I can't like know, people say this is my last tour. Yeah, I'm retiring. They never do. They never do. Jeff Garland has retired like three times. He has. Didn't come back. Yeah. He was never good at anything. Yeah. You can't retire unless people are going to notice. No, he's funny, dude. No, Garland's very funny. No, no, he's funny.

Who's, who do you like that's like more recent with stand-ups? Recent...I do like Shane Gillis. Oh yeah Shane Gillis is great. Yeah my son loves him so I watched his special a few times to see why he likes him and I'm starting to get it but I've always liked Tig Notaro. Yeah, Tig's great. I'm sure his style is just so funny. So unexpected. Oh, so unexpected.

And she's not trying to be in your face. She's not trying to get that energy. And I listened to a tape of mine when I first started. And I was much more laid back. And then over the years, I think I learned that I have to be a little more energetic to grab the audience. And it's a more laid back. And then over the years I think I learned that I have to be a little more energetic to grab the audience. And it's a real big difference.

It's almost like playing an audible book at regular speed and then two times the speed right now. But people's voices also change. Like Howard Stern 20 years ago. He was like, quick, hey, how you doing again? So where'd you do that? And I was like, so I saw you in this movie, it's much more laid back and calmer.

Yeah, I think that he uses filters on the microphone because his voice is so much deeper now. I guess it also ages, I think your voice ages as you get older, but I find that if I, it's weird because I try to bring my energy up and I think about doing stand-up comedy as you know is there are thousands of decisions and adjustments that are made even in a 15 minute set in terms of how fast you're talking, what volume you're at, how much you're moving, who are you looking at in the crowd? Like There's all these adjustments and the longer you do it

and the more often you do it, and I think that's the key to why you still go out in town, is it really is like going to the gym. And when you're at the gym a lot, you notice the details of what you're doing. Yeah, and also, this is something I never am able to do. It's torture, is to watch a tape of me during standup. And just recently I realized how important that is though

because you see how you move on stage, you see how you hold the mic, you see how you could embellish jokes or add on to them, and you see what not to do. Even what you're wearing. I should wear brighter colors or whatever. So I think that's really important and I've been not to do. Even what you're wearing. I should wear brighter colors or whatever. So I think that's really important. And I've been doing that lately.

And also because you wanna post something, the whole clip thing now, crowd work. So you have to sit through it unless you pay somebody to do that. Are you videotaping sets and cutting them up, putting them up, really? A lot of clubs have videos now. Oh wait, I've seen you at the,

I guess up at the Ice House, they must, do they record themselves and give it to you? Yeah, you can see me doing the Heimlich maneuver up there. That would have been your greatest viral clip of all time. Crowd work. Giving Heimlich to a cancer victim. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, so it's hard for me to watch myself.

And imagine being a porn star. Do you think they watch themselves? That's a good question. Like I could arch my back a little bit more. Too much eye contact. You know, don't be so surprised when the guy shows up. It's just his friend. I think you're right. Yeah, a porn guy who can't watch himself. Yeah Yeah, I mean it's it's all part of the package, you know, you have to do it all

I just can't do everything that you know, some of these comics are doing that they do everything they can Nikki Glaze is great at it Yeah, you know, it's just, it's just relentless. You mean how hard you work to promote and. Promote and post things and have stories. Yeah, right. And you know, be on talk shows and all that stuff. It's a lot of work. Yeah, it's a lot of work and it detracts from,

you know, you've been a dad for the last 17 years 18 years and you know there's choices you have to make it a certain point when you get home of like I can sit with my son and play guitar or just talk or I can sit in the other room and cut up a video right and look at myself and then post it and tag it and then you're suddenly obsessed with checking how many likes it's getting yeah right then you're supposed to reply to people and it's like, well what's the payoff here? If I get bigger, I'm just gonna have to keep, because that shit has no momentum. If you don't keep feeding that machine, then it just comes straight back down again. Yeah. It's just sad

that you have to rely on how many followers you have. Yeah, you know Jesus didn't worry about that Track oh, I lost a Roman yesterday, you know, because it's something I said Yeah, I mean I think it's like Hollywood you really want the Jews following you Yeah, but it's just sad when you have to do that. I'm the same as you. I said, I'd rather not have the followers. It's not like I'm gonna fill arenas because I have like two million followers now. Yeah.

But you do theaters. You do clubs and theaters. Yeah, I do both. Corporate stuff. You do corporate stuff. Yeah. That's what you gotta do. Too dirty.

I was with Alec Baldwin once and he was going, talking about acting and stuff, he goes, and directors go, oh, you know who you should work with? You know, Scorsese. Whatever the director's name was. Yeah, you mean I have a choice who I wanna work with? Yeah. Oh, so you were shitting me by saying,

it's not even possible for me to do corporate dates. Oh no, you can do a corporate date. I'm too dirty. Don't you have, can you just stop saying the F word? Not really. Why do you have to resort to filth? It's not just the cursing, it's also I talk about sex, I talk about religion, I talk about politics a little bit. Why don't you talk about things that really matter? So if you do a corporate date, you have to do an hour of squeaky clean.

Not an hour, like 45 minutes, 50 minutes. And how much do you make for something like that? Depends on the corporation. Yeah, say it's a big one. Well, I filled in for somebody a couple weeks ago as in Vegas yeah and I made a lot of money more than I've ever made before for a stand-up gig six figures five figures 40,000 40,000 yeah that's pretty sweet times five plus don't they fly you first class and put you in a nice hotel? First class, you get a nice suite,

and you're there alone. And you're walking around, you go, man, I wish I was 25, man, I have a party up here. You know, you got the bar. I know, it feels like a waste when you're in a room like that. Dude, one time I was doing a gig in San Diego

at a comedy club there, and they put you up across the street in a hotel. And this is in the Gaslight District, so it gets loud at night, a lot of partying. And they bring me to my suite. I swear to God, it's a king-size bunk bed that's held up by chains, big black chains. And at the end of it is this stripper's pole.

I swear to God. And you're in your 60s going like, I don't know what to do. And I'm there alone. Yeah. I wish I had somebody with me. But yeah, that's the, what is the worst hotel you've been in, experience? Well when I used to do college shows when I was in my 20s, I used to go out, I hosted

a show on MTV and so I used to get a lot of college dates where I would book like 10 shows in seven days, where I'd do noon show in one school, night time show at the next school, and they would route me, and they were never hotels, they were motels. And they were the kind of motels where... Motel fours at the time? Motel six.

Oh, yeah, one up to six. Oh, you were at the fours? Yeah, back Motel six. Oh, yeah, one up to six over the period. Oh, you were at the fours? Yeah, back then. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Back then. No, six was considerably better than the four. Yeah. Yeah. And then the cars would be backed up to your room

because your room faced the parking lot and then they'd start their cars and the exhaust would come under your door into the room. And I remember once they gave me the the remote control for the TV had a block of wood chained to it and it had a flyswatter on the TV I remember when I was doing gigs early on this is before there was like cable channels and they had a no, it was cable. It was a cable that went into the TV, but the porn channels were scrambled. And so a comedian taught me if you take a key and you stick it in this round

thing on the cable, you can take it off and then you remove this. There was like a little washer and you put it back on and it would unscramble the porn channels. And it worked for years. Wow, I've heard about all kinds of things for people who have sex but I've never heard of that before. Yeah. Yeah, I mean it's not easy.

You and I have been around for a while. Yeah. Do you talk about getting older on stage? I always find it funny when a comedian goes, I'm getting older. It's like, well, we literally are all getting older. That's not a premise. I heard Nate Bergazzi talk, he had did a hunk about,

oh man, I'm getting older, 40, 40. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. No, I see comics aid at 30, you know? It's like, but I talk about it, yeah, I talk about erectile dysfunction. Yeah, I try not to talk about that, getting older. Because then you set it in their mind,

you go, oh yeah, he's getting older. Unless it's a group of people that are your age. Like sometimes I'll be, I'm always trying to get younger audiences, you know? And I'll be behind the curtain before the show and I'll look at, and it's all gray haired people, out of shape, wheelchairs. And I start thinking, oh my God, they're so old.

And then I realize I'm older than they are. Yeah, but you're not. You never will be. That's the thing about doing stand-up. You just don't age. We're like Peter Pan. We're just kids. Can you imagine being around other people where you were just retired from a corporate job you had? No stories about being on the road.

I mean, you can never do that. And you do keep yourself young, I think, by staying engaged with going to these clubs with these younger comedians and watching them and see how they work and just talking with them. It keeps you young. And your kids are too old now to keep you young. Oh, I know, I know.

When I see them now, I realize I don't have, when they were young, I had a lot to offer them. And now your son's at the transition period where there's gonna be a year or two from now where you go like, he's not gonna listen to anything I do. In terms of directing them, they're not open to it anymore and they shouldn't be. They get to a certain age and they really have to go,

I don't want to be told what to do. I want to pick my path. I want to feel empowered to pick my path. Yeah. And that's where my kids are at now. Oh, he is. Yeah. I mean, he respects what we say and he considers it, but he's still, you know, or he'll give us the opportunity. I mean, he's a lot more advanced than I was at his age. Yeah. You know, he's a good debater because they have debate class at school. And, uh, well, you were a good masturbator than I was at his age. You know he's a good debater because they have debate class at school. Well you were a good masturbator I think when you were young. In my freshman year. Right.

Yeah but as I got older someone else won the title and that's where I lost my virginity. Oh they were masturbating you. Oh yeah. That was what the title was. It can't be called masturbating if somebody else is there. So anyway, yeah, I get it. I get the whole kid thing. And I see it coming.

I see it coming. Right, right. A friend of mine said, when my son was younger, he goes, you know, when they turn 15, you're not their best buddy anymore. They'd rather be with their friends. And it's like, oh my God. Yeah.

So. What's nice is, I play golf with my son and I play paddle tennis with him. I think sports is a great way for fathers to, do you guys play sports at all? Not too much. I was just thinking the other day, I thought, man, we never had a house that had a flat driveway

to put a basketball hoop in. Right. And, you know, I throw the ball around with him. I used to practice soccer with him, because he's really good. He's like a really good athlete, but he's so caring. He started playing the little league,

you know, semi-softball, and he was the pitcher. He was the best pitcher on the team. He pitched all the time. He got good hits. And he stopped playing for two reasons. One, he didn't want to disappoint the coach or the parents that were watching if he made a mistake.

The other reason he stopped playing was because it was time to step up to the next league, Pony League or whatever, where they used a really hard ball, all hard. And we're watching from the dugout, these kids that are 10 or whatever, 11, pitching like they're pros, but they have no accuracy. And they're wild and batter after batter,

they're getting hit and they're carrying them off the field. And my son looks at me and he goes, I don't think I wanna play this game anymore. I said, I don't blame you, buddy, let's go. But we do play ping pong a lot. What about golf, you golf? I golf a little bit, but he never wanted to golf until recently when his friend started golfing. the I said, I kind of earned that title. You know, it makes me feel so good when you say dad or daddy. And so he stopped using the kev and now he calls me father. I like that.

Because I'm a priest. Father. But I think you should get into golf with him because that's something you can do for the rest of your lives. No, that's on our bucket list. As soon as he gets time, he's so studious. It's like he comes home. He's a senior in high school? But we want to go to the driving range and hit some balls.

I think he needs to take lessons. Do you think you can give him lessons? No. First of all, my wife or my son will not take lessons from me or take my advice. Let's say my wife is going to therapy, and I'll say, hun, you know, maybe if we didn't do this and we thought about that, whatever.

She goes, no, no, no, no. And then she goes to the therapist, therapist goes, maybe you should do this. And then she goes, oh, that's a good idea. What I just say, what I say. Or if I'm trying to show them how to golf, the stance is no, no, no, no, no. But if I hire a teacher, he'll listen to me, to them. Yeah, yeah.

So, I mean, that's just the family dynamics, I guess. We went to a couples therapist when we turned 40, just because we'd never, we'd been married 25 years, and I really am like blessed with the best woman I could ever imagine as my wife. You've been married now 25 years? 25 years and I really am like blessed with the best woman I could ever imagine as my wife. You've been married now 25 years? 25 years. And like she just came to Vegas for the weekend and it was like we were in love.

Really you were working at Vegas? Yeah. Where? Brad Garrett's club. Oh yeah. Do you know Brad? That's a beautiful, oh yeah, I know Brad. Brad and I, here's the craziest story.

I think he put it in his book. For some reason we were working together. I don't know if we were co-headlining somewhere in Oklahoma City. And you fly in and the first thing you do then is you go to the club. And you check in with the club. And we go into the reception

to where the girl's working behind the desk. And we're there like at three in the afternoon. And we walk in there and she goes, are you guys from the AC company, air conditioning units? I said, yeah, show us where the problem is. Without a beat, we start tearing down the tiles on the wall, we're standing on her desk, we're saying, we say, this is not gonna be,

we're gonna need three days on this. No, no, we have a show tonight. Really, who's playing? Brad Gursky and Kevin Nelson? Never heard of them. Bobby, get me my ratchet wrench. Let's take this duck out of here. And there's, you know, as best as falling down.

So Brad and I, yeah, we go way back. He's so funny. That's great, that's great. Does a great Jackie Gleason. Ah, he does a great Jackie Gleason, yeah. He's like the modern day Don Rickles. Well, that's what his act is. Yeah, he was on the shows with me this week.

He would MC the show. And he would go out, he would say shit to people. He would talk to a black guy and he would do like a 70s kind of shuck and jive black guy voice. It was crazy. There's a Latino guy in the front and his jeans are ripped and he goes, where'd you get that from climbing over the fence?

I mean he goes hard and he gets away with it because he's so fucking charming. There's a lot of comics like that that are charming and they get away with a lot of stuff. Dom still gets away with his crazy shit. Dom does? Oh yeah, he's really out there. But also people like you know um well you know Anthony Jezelnik. Yeah. I mean the stuff he gets away with. Yeah. Oh my god. And someone like Chappelle. Yep. Gets away with stuff. And I don't know like you or I did something like that we'd be cancelled. It's just and you can't force that. You either have that ability to get that across or you don't.

And if you don't, it's like, I think somebody once said, well, why is it when one person says something that's offensive and when somebody else does it's fine? And they said, because it's funny. They make it funny. You can't quantify that. You just gotta say, are people laughing at it? Then it worked.

Does your wife come to see you perform? Very rarely. Yeah, once see you perform very rarely yeah once a year she didn't come to the show she came to one show okay just to see Brad really and then she left no she's stuck around for me but you know I do a st. Patrick's Day show you've done my st. Patrick's Day show yeah I do it every year and she comes to that because that's the one and anytime people in LA, oh I want to come out and see you. They always think that I'm just starting out and I need to fill the club. And I never want anybody to come see me because I don't want to worry about putting them on the guest list and then I'm about to go on and I get a text that we're not on the list.

My biggest pet peeve is that when I was on SNL, I'm supposed to be working on my lines. Right. And the staff says, hey, we're down in the lobby. They don't seem to have our name. Yeah. I'll be right back. You know, and then you do that. And then they want to go to the party afterwards.

Right. The after party. And that's the last thing I want to do. I want to go home and so I can have Sunday off for myself. Yeah. But they want to go and sit at a table like this and we order drinks and they charge us for the drinks and they just gawking at everybody. Yeah. Introduce me to so and sit at a table like this, and we order drinks, and they charge us for the drinks, and they just gawk at it, everybody.

Introduce me to so and so. You know? So, yeah, so my wife and kid, they don't like to come to my shows because they get really nervous. They do. Because they love me so much, and they don't want me to do poorly.

And my wife came to a show once at the Comedy Magic Club when she was pregnant, hormones were on fire. And I got on and some guy walked by here and goes, this guy's not funny. And to this day, it's traumatized her. So she doesn't wanna have that happen again. I said, baby, that happens all the time. With you, yeah, definitely.

Yeah, totally, man. So anyway, yeah, so my son doesn't, and also they think I might say something that'll get me canceled. I'm like the last guy to say something to get canceled. That's not true. You're right. I mean, you say,

I've seen you say thanks to audience members that are kind of edgy. Yeah, but I get away with it. Yes. Why? Cause it's funny. Charming. Yep. But so anyway,

so I have everybody come once a year to the St. Patrick's Day show and that's it. I get it all out of the way one night and that's the one my wife comes to. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So you get hammered on? No, you're an alcoholic, right? Yeah. Yeah, I stopped drinking. Did you go to the program? A little bit. So you're kind of an alcoholic? Well, I only drank one night in 35 years. And what happened? It was Kevin Meaney's funeral and he was one of my best friends in the world.

Oh, I didn't know that. And so I spoke at it and then everybody was drinking. All these comics and his family and his daughter is my goddaughter and everybody was just shit-faced. And I was back at my sister's house and she had me sleeping in her bonus room, which has a bar in it.

And I started guzzling Scotch, Chivas Regal. Ooh, whee! I can't even put Scotch in my mouth, it's so strong. I loved Kevin Meany, he had that big closer. We are the world. Yeah, we are the world. Yeah, oh my God.

I mean, historically, one of the most consistent kill bits of all time. He'd still be doing that today. Yeah, right. You know, if he were alive. Yeah. But you knew him well, huh?

Well, we grew up in one town away from each other in New York. In Boston? No, New York. But then we both did comedy in Boston. He was very big. By the time I started comedy, he had just gotten big. My father knew him when he was very big by the time I started comedy he had just gotten big. And then my father knew him when he was a waiter. He was a waiter at a golf course that my dad belonged to in White Plains, New York.

And so Kevin wanted to be a comedian and my father got him on stage. He was friends with the owner of Catch a Rising Star. Rick? Rick Newman. Rick Newman, yeah. So he got him into Catch Catch Rising Star his first time. And so my father told me to look him up if I ever saw him because I started doing it in college.

And then he just like mentored me and then that turned into a friendship and that turned into like he was in my wedding party. I was in his wedding party and we talked on the phone just constantly. How long was he married? Probably 10, 12 years and then she found out he was gay. I think that worked against the marriage. Wait a minute, she found out he was gay, he didn't tell her.

No. Well, he was on Broadway at the time, dressed as a woman. Well, yeah, I could see at that time, like Kevin Meany who was, you know, you just don't, it's not a stereotypical gay person. No. Can we say that? What? Nothing. I think you're gonna get canceled for that.

No, I think it was raised very Irish Catholic and I think he was afraid of how his parents would take it which when he finally came out at 50 Like they were totally fine with it. Yeah, cuz he had the kids. Yeah married to a woman. Yeah, and guess we married My next-door neighbor who used to be my babysitter Yeah That crazy what did she charge an hour Now when she babysits me it's like 150. She still babysits? We call it babysitting, but it's just an hour.

It's just to keep you company? It's an hourly wage. Your kids are in their 30s, is that right? How old are your kids, 25, 24? Stop it. 21 and 24. And they're gonna perform at my St. Patrick's Day party this year.

They're comedians? No, they're gonna play music. They. Patrick's Day party this year. They're comedians? No, they're gonna play music. They both play guitar and my daughter plays the flute and they're gonna play Irish traditional music. That's great. I'm gonna play some harmonica. That's great, man.

Yeah, it's gonna be great. You'll all be drinking. They will be. Have you been to Ireland lately? Yeah, last summer. I was there around then too. I was there, Paul Reiser was shooting a movie that he wrote over there.

Oh really? Yeah, and I just hung out with him for a while. Were you in the movie? No. Why didn't he put you in the movie? Because he had already written it and was already shooting it. I just came out to do some fundraiser game show.

Oh. Right there. And um. Dublin? Yeah, Dublin. Nice. Can you do an Irish accent? Ah yeah, what county do you want me to be talking about?

One that's not the Frootloop or whatever it is, like the term guy. That was the, that was the, the Irish bird, you know, the toucan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, well down in Cork, they sound like, well, what about you, boy?

What are you doing then? Yeah, it's always there. Yeah, yeah. Where are you there? Yeah, where are you there? Yeah. But I like, instead of saying, how are you, what about you?

Is that what they say? Yeah, yeah. What about you? What about you? Is that what they say? Yeah, yeah. What about you? What about you? I want to learn a dialect. Yeah. I should learn Irish, I guess, cause I'm from Ireland. My parents are, or my ancestors are.

I have my, my Irish passport, by the way. I know that we talked about that last time you were on the show. And I'm still waiting for an offer from you to buy it. Well, I'm going to get my own. My grandparents are from Ireland also. What are you waiting for? I got the paperwork. I just need to send it in.

My wife's got it, she's got both. Can you stay in Ireland if she just has some transport? You can stay with her as long as you want. Really, so my wife can do that too. Right. But when you talk about dialects, what's funny is that if you do Irish, hey-dee, hey-dee, you can even blow it up and be silly yeah Italian that's a

matter for you why can't do Chinese why can't you do Chinese because they never yell it's always very I can't even I don't even do it she's a book yet she what you want me no that's, I'll tell you why. I dated a Chinese girl for six months and she taught me that. So those are real words there. Will I need? Does that mean leave the house? No, it means get off of me.

Or you'll be canceled. You can't do Chinese. What else can't you do? Why can't you do Chinese? I don't know. I think it's the only race you can't do. I mean you can do, you know, hey, what are we doing now, man? No you can't do the Mexican.

No? No. You can't try to, unless you do it spot on, otherwise you're making fun of it. It's gotta be perfect. Right. Right? I could do Cuban, like we can all do Cuban

because of Tony Montana. Yeah, but he got canceled. He did get canceled. Yeah, for doing that. Right. By the NRA and also by the Cuban ministry. That's right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But. All right, let me get to fastballs with Fitz before you get out of here. Okay. You ready? Yeah, I'm always ready. Okay.

Oh, you know what I'm gonna ask you? Who's Trish Morris? You were campaigning for her for something on your Instagram and Twitter. No, no, no, no. And I couldn't figure out who that was. I wasn't campaigning for her. She on your Instagram and Twitter, and I couldn't figure out who she was. I wasn't campaigning for her. She was... She was running for something?

No, no. She was entered a game show kind of a thing online, and she wanted me to post it that she needs votes. Who is she? She's a woman I met. I do some, a friend of mine is Reggie Bibbs, and he... The football player? No. He's a buddy of mine who has neuro Bibbs. And he- The football player? No.

He's a buddy of mine who has neurofibromatosis. You know what that is? Big tumors, eye sinks down. Oh, I think I saw a picture of him. You black guy? Yeah, yeah. So she was working with him, helping him through some stuff.

And we did a fundraiser for him. And so she is within that camp. So she saw how great we did a fundraiser for Reggie Bibbs. So I guess she was doing some kind of a game thing that she wanted me to get her name out there and vote for her. What's your next question? Great story.

I feel like we started really strong on this. Well, I'm not finished. If I could finish the story, maybe you'd be serious that it was great. You know what my favorite thing is you ever did? I saw you in Vegas and we were at the baggage carousel and we were both coming in different flights going to different gigs, but we saw each other at the baggage carousel. And I said, hey man, we said hello and then we're talking.

In the middle of talking, you were drinking, you had a cup with a straw on it of soda and you finished it and then you just flipped it up and all these people notice you and they're all looking and you just flipped it up on the ground you just kept on talking that's my luggage rack humor right there. My luggage. My luggage. You gotta have a bit for the luggage carousel. All right, have you ever played guitar on stage?

I know you play guitar. During your comedy? And the guitar. When I first started off I had a guitar and I would do a song called, Surfing in Malibu. I go, surfing in Malibu, surfing in Malibu.

And then I take a glass of water and throw it on the guitar. And then later I read it, it was all Gong show, kind of comedy, later I'd come out and say, here's a little song I wrote while I was up in Alaska. Surfing in Alaska, surfing. And I take a ice cube, a couple of ice cubes and throw it on the, I kept that guitar with me.

Eventually the neck warped, it looked like a bow and arrow. And you had to give up the bit. I did do a banjo bit that I like lately, recently. Haven't done it in a while, but I talk about how I, I know how to play the banjo, and I've been playing since I was 18. Yeah. And, but I only played in my room.

I never played with other people. And even in my room, my parents would say, it's too loud, they hate the banjo because it's so annoying to everybody. So I would have to play really softly, you know, like really soft. And so, but now I'm out performing, and would you like to hear a song?

And it's really soft. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. I start stomping my foot, you know? That's good. All right, here's the fast thought. Those were just random questions. Here is the fast, who is your best male friend? Best male friend?

Yeah. I think maybe it used to be Gary Shanley, probably, right? Oh, yeah, I don't know, yeah. Yeah, he was a good friend. I don't really have a best one. I haven't taken the survey of that top 50 of my best friends. But there's a couple,

there's a couple writer friend of mine who I started off doing stand-up comedy with. My favorite joke of his was this. Tell me his name. Dave Merkin. Yeah. Another, his joke was this. Oh, I've heard of this guy.

Yeah. Merkin, yeah, cause I remember the name Merkin. Yeah, so he's been a writer on The Simpsons for years. Yeah. So his joke was this. Oh, I've heard of this guy. Yeah. Merkin, yeah, because I remember the name Merkin. Yeah, so he's been a writer on The Simpsons for years. Yeah. So his joke is this, is it just me, or is everyone, is it just me, or has everyone woken up this morning coughing blood? Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. What about Kirk Fox, is he up there? Kirk Fox, yeah, he's a good friend of mine. Mike Brown lives out in Camarilla, was just a normal guy, friend of mine. We wrote jokes together,

got me on The Tonight Show for the first time. Wow. Yeah. Nice. But you know what, I am really my best friend. Jesus Christ. We can cut that, right? Yeah.

Who's the worst feature act or opening act that's gone on ahead of you? Like you go to a town, they've got the local. Do you bring a feature on the road? Sometimes. But if you don't, let's say, if I don't somebody who was the worst? And not their name just described them. The worst for me is somebody who does maybe five or six of the areas I was going to talk about. Yeah. Or they talk to the crowd and just burn them out. That's mine. Right.

So you're not gonna name someone specifically? I don't even remember their names. Well I don't know if this is like a story. A lot of times people have a story about a guy who lit a firecracker out of his ass. I will tell you this. I was working in Bridgeport, my hometown. The stress factory.

Yeah, and it was a Saturday, and I just finished the first show, and I go back into the green room, and all of a sudden I hear a stampede of people running by and screaming. And I come out, I go, what's going on? And this woman's getting trampled. She's on the ground, you know, getting trampled.

I said, what's going on? And, I thought they, Chappelle's next door. No, it was, uh, it was, uh, I goes active shooter in the room. I was active shooter. So people panic. The room afterwards looked like the Titanic. The tables are flipped over. The broken glass everywhere. It was really crazy. So I can't, I don't even think that's true. So I'm just walking out, you know, they're all running and I'm not panicked at all. at all and I thought well just to be on the safe side There's a big garage parking structure next in the back. Yeah, I go down the ramp and there's a big metal dumpster there

So I go around behind the dumpster and the bartenders that She's about to crawl into the dumpster with all the garbage. I said don't go yet. Let's wait a little bit Otherwise you got a shower afterwards and all that But it turned out to be it was just a guy across the street on the other side. He was outside Let's wait a little bit. Otherwise you got a shower afterwards and all that. But it turned out to be it was just a guy across the street on the other side. He was outside shooting off a gun with his buddy. I don't know what they were doing. But you know people are on such edge. Somebody in the club goes active shooter. Yeah. You heard the pop pop pop. Yeah. Yeah. You know that happened to me once. I was in Brooklyn and I was getting off the subway and somebody thought there was a shooter. I think there was maybe.

A thousand people started running for the stairs at the same time and people literally were getting trampled. People were slamming into each other, people were punching each other and you couldn't move like it wasn't moving and the screaming was crazy and it went on it took me 10 minutes to get up to the street from the bottom of the stairs that's worse than yelling fire yeah in a theater right yeah yeah Bridgeport's become a very tough town I don't know how it was no it was really tough when I was there and then it got really nice they cleaned it up I know and then it got bad again is it bad again

it's bad are you kidding me is it got bad again. Is it bad again? It's bad! Are you kidding me? Is it that bad? You're kidding, right? No. Bridgeport is one of the worst cities I've been in in 10 years. I was there, I don't know, 10 months ago. I look clean.

I thought this was much better than when I was here. Maybe it's the people. Are you kidding? Bad! Did I really do that? These are riveting questions, by the way, so far. All right, this one's gonna be better. Have you ever not finished a set on stage?

Yes, yes. Not that often, though. I was working at Caesars up in Lake Tahoe. I was opening up for the Pointer Sisters. Nice. And it's New Year's Eve, they added a show, and the stage manager, the guy who's running the show, goes, do exactly what you've been doing.

Said, you better do eight minutes and then wrap it up. Just do eight minutes. I said, okay. New Year's Eve, I didn't know that half of the, they were all like $20,000 in overlosers at the machines. And also, half of them didn't speak English. And they gave every-

Did they speak Asian? They gave every single one of them a noisemaker. I didn't know that. So I'm on for maybe three minutes and I hear, hrrr. And then before you know it, it sounded like a flock of geese flying through the room. Everybody's hrrr, hrrr.

And after maybe six minutes, I say, you guys are great. You're gonna love the Pointer Sisters. Thanks for coming on. Happy New Year! And I left and I got behind the curtain. Usually the Pointer Sisters are always, they're ready to go. They're on their little platforms with their platform shoes

and when I came back, they, hey Kim, hey Kim. I couldn't see them, I just heard the voice, hey BAM. It was all dark back there. And then, so now I'm finished early and they heard that I'm finished and they come running down in their little steps with their platform shoes, what happened, what happened? I said, nothing, it's a great crowd, you're gonna love them.

And the stage manager, he's pulling the curtains and stuff, music, goes, you put me in a world of trouble. You put me in a world of, sorry man, you put me in the world of trouble. You handed out noise makers. That, oh my God, that's crazy. So that, I did not finish that set. But I can't think of another time I did not finish a set.

How about you? Yeah, once I was doing, I was opening up, it was another thing where I was, it's always when you're opening for somebody big because they're not there to see you. And I was, it was at Kent State University and it was a daytime, one of those daytime college parties

where they've got kegs all over the place and everybody's shit faced by three o'clock and now it's like five o'clock. And outdoor stage and I'm opening for they might be Giants you know that yeah yeah and so I go on turns out they were Giants they were I was a little person and they were a giant and I walk out on stage and nobody's even near the stage I'm just performing for nobody and then that people started to collect a little bit

and then this person was heckling me and so, you know, I kinda shit on him. Yeah. 30 seconds later I get hit in the chest with an apple. No. And I just instantly went, thanks very much, you guys, you know, that's my line, I mean, if I get hit by something

and there's no security, there's nobody working the gig. Right. And so I just said, have a great day everybody and I just walked off stage yeah I had a bottle thrown at me in Tulsa once from the stage from the manager of the club the lights went out for a second yeah through a bottle why stage it's cuz he's a wise guy really funny but I'll tell you the other time that I did not finish my set I was just starting out they had an open mic night at this deli out in the valley called the Deli Smoker.

And it had sawdust on the floor and booths. It was not set up for a show at all. There'd be a booth where people weren't even facing you. And you come out there, the mic stand is in a little closet, you take it out, there's a little, about the size of this table stage, about maybe that high, and there may be a little light on you. And then there could be like three people in the booths.

They don't even know there's gonna be a show going on. And they're eating their corned beef sandwich. And you start the show, and they're not even facing you. Like you're over there and they're like, you know. And one night I was there, there's just one booth, and they got up and left, so nobody was in the room. Just me and the sawdust. It's hilarious. Yeah. I think that used to happen at Danger

Field. I don't know if you ever used to work Danger Fields. I never did. But my understanding was they would do a show during, you know, from seven o'clock until two in the morning and they would have five comedians and you would do 15 minutes, and then you had an hour off, and then you went back up again, and it was just a circle. And they didn't do good business,

and so sometimes, if it was your 15 minutes, and there was nobody in the audience, you had to stay on stage, and you had to keep talking, because if a couple came in, they wanted a show to be going on. It's like like an Apple store when the guys are teaching you the Apple stuff yeah they're talking like you're riveting it to the screen yeah yeah all right final question what's the hackiest bit you've ever done not

including the throwing ice at a guitar. The hackiest bit. Yeah. It's hard. Pretty deep catalog to go through. It's hard to think. Yeah. The hackiest thing I've ever done. Um, gee. You would have to tell me that. Oh, come on. You used to do hacky stuff. I can't really think of anything hacky. Oh, when I first started it was hacky stuff. Oh yeah, yeah.

My first jokes were like, yeah, I live in a really small apartment. It's over a telephone booth. Or, you know, I live in, you know, there's a lot of like bad people in my neighborhood, but they're kind of nice in a way. Like I came home and somebody stole all my tires. It was like about four cinder blocks.

My car was on four cinder blocks, no wheels. I went into the trunk to get my spare tire, gone, but there's a spare cinder block, cinder block back there. That's not a hack, that's funny. I guess I shouldn't have asked you that question because you're just genuinely not a hack. But you will be coming on stage. First of all, watch Hiking with Kevin Nealon. You too, thank you.

The book is called I Exaggerate, which you came on and promoted last time you were on. It's caricatures that you've done that is, it's world class, it's as good as any caricatures I've ever seen, and they're people that I care deeply about. It's people, comedians and actors and caricatures of them, yeah. Caricatures of them that are really amazing. And on the opposite page, a little anecdote

about my experience with that person. Or if I didn't know them like Freddie. Mercury. Mercury. It'd be amusing about going to concerts. Right. Back in the 70s. for that person. Or if I didn't know them like Freddie Mercury, it'd be musing about going to concerts back in the 70s. Yeah, it's great. Tour dates coming up, Boca Raton, Florida, February 25th and 26th,

Sumterville, February 27th, Tampa, is that SideSplitters? I don't know. March 28th through the 31st, I think it's Side splitters. Maybe. Just top three clubs in the country as far as I'm concerned. Key West on March 2nd, Hermosa March 6th, San Antonio, Batavia, Illinois, Steamboat, Colorado,

Beaver Creek, Basalt, Boulder. No, stop, stop. No, no, no, wait till you get to this. Rochester, Naples, Buffalo, it goes on and on. KevinNealon.com, get yourself some tickets, come out and see somebody who I consider to be one of the best people in the country doing stand-up comedy right now. Always an amazing show. And one other thing you're missing, one other thing you're missing, we just, myself, executive

producer with my wife and a bunch of other people, Brandi Carlile, Sara Barrales, Glennon Doyle. We are all executive, Tig Notaro, executive producers on a document, document, document, documentary, documentary. Documentary. Documentary. Documentary. Oh my God, I'm losing it, man.

Documentary. Documentary. Yeah, yeah. It's hard. It's hard. It's called Come See Me in the Good Light. It's about this couple, these two women that are in love and they're both poets. One of them is a poet laureate and she's been found out that she has incurable cancer. So, stage four. So it's about living in the moment and it's got a lot of humor in it too, unexpectedly. And it won best favorite film at the Sundance a couple weeks ago.

Get outta here. Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah, so we're excited about that. Dude, that's amazing. High five. High five. Not that high. So is Tig in it?

Tig Notaro is the producer. She's in it briefly, just introducing. Who are the main characters? Andrea Gibson and Megan Fowley. Oh my god. That's so cool. Anyway, it's really interesting. Where can people see it?

Well, they're getting a distributor for it now. Okay, so now you definitely will get a distribution deal because of the award. It seems likely. Wow. But you never know. You gonna make some money off of this? Not likely. No.

Probably. Did you put money in? Yeah, that's why we're EPs. We're just investors. But it was really creative the way we did it. Yeah. Yeah. We did it. We wired the money. That's a creative input we had on that film. All right. Go see it, Kevin. Thank you for your final appearance on Fitz Dogg Radio. For now. For now. For now. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's a Craig or

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