Fitzdog Radio - Laura Kightlinger - Episode 1063

Episode Date: August 7, 2024

One of the most original and talented comedic voices in the industry, Laura Kightlinger joins to discuss her father ("The Wandering Jew") not showing up and how we don't fall into the alt comedy category.Follow Laura Kightlinger on IG @LauraKightlingerLives

Hi, welcome to my podcast. It's called Fitts Dog Radio. It is done in Venice Beach, California. It's summer 2024 and I've got a great guest today. Laura Keitlinger, a lot of people know her, some people don't. She's one of the hottest writers for the last 25 years in LA. She's a standup comic with five or six specials, HBO, Comedy Central. Anyway, she'll be on later. Right now, let's talk about it, the Olympics! I gotta tell you something,

I've loved the Olympics since I can remember 1976, Bruce Jenner, I'm sorry, it's Caitlin, but when I was a kid in 76, Caitlin was from my hometown of Tarrytown, New York. He had, she had all the records at the high school, Sleepy Hollow High School, and it was a very big deal. And when she won the Olympics, she had a parade through town and we all showed up and we cheered and it was a big deal. There's not too many people that captured the imagination of an Olympics the way Caitlyn Jenner did back then. There was Olga Corbett, there was Mark Spitz at a certain point, there was obviously Michael Phelps, and now we have

uh what's-her-name? The little tiny Olympic gymnast. Why am I forgetting her name? Anyway, I've gotten way into it this year. It crept up on me. I didn't think I'd be excited. Me and the wife have watched every fucking night, maybe because she broke her foot. We went on a bike ride a week ago

and she went over a curb, went over the handlebars and broke her foot. Which is such a bummer. Because summer's here, we want to go to the beach, and she's a doula, and she has a baby that's about to be born, and she had to find another doula to take over for her today, and she was pretty heartbroken about it. She gets to know these families long before the baby's born.

And she was excited about this one anyway. So she's around, I'm doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the shopping, all the laundry. And you know what? I can handle it. It's fucking good for me because I realize how much more she does than I do. I mean, don't get me wrong, I work hard

and I make almost all the money. But when I have to do the work that she does, it does sound corny and trite, she fucking works harder than I do. There's so much shit that gets done around this house that I take for granted. And now I'm doing it all. And still fucking earning and still doing my podcast.

It's late at night in Venice Beach and I'm doing this intro for this podcast. Anyway, I dreamed of being in the Olympics when I'm doing this intro for this podcast. Anyway, I dreamed of being in the Olympics when I was a kid. I did competitive gymnastics for about seven years. I quit once I get into high school and I really did think I would go to the Olympics. I really hoped to go to the Olympics. I mean I didn't really have a shot. I was not that good, but a kid can dream. I was young.

I was like, you know, seven, eight, nine. That's when I got really into it. And I was pretty good because I was crazy and I would do anything. I would throw double back flips on the floor, which back then there was no springs. There was no boards with springs under the mats it was a fucking mat on concrete and we had to throw those fuckers hard um wait hold on while this noise goes by

it's a little loud it's garbage can night right, that was at five minutes. So there was a place, the place I trained at was in White Plains. And so at a certain point I'm 12 and 13, and these girls that are training are 16 and 17, and they are beautiful gymnasts and they have confidence and I was so I think I kept going because of them I just was staring none of them ever said a word to me I think I just stared with my jaw open and I remember one of them once I overheard her saying that she got approached to do Playboy and that that was it game over game over me locked in

the bathroom just thinking about the idea of her even being approached to be naked was enough at 13 to just not be knocking on the Greg get out of the bathroom. It's been an hour. Yeah, okay So that one stayed with me I'm also watching the guy who knocked over the the high jump with his cock I think people got a kick out of that. It was pretty viral. I wrote a little comment on Twitter and Pretty viral. I wrote a little comment on Twitter. And if you have to go out, nobody's gonna remember the guy that won the high jump in 1984,

but everybody's gonna remember the guy who knocked the bar over with his dick in 2024. That guy is a legend. Whatever town he's from, drinks around the house in that that local bar for life. There may be a statue. It's gonna be a statue with a big cock knocking over a high bar. I gotta look up all the memes, there must be some great memes. Then there was the synchronized divers from China, not making this up. Their names were Long Wang.

Now, could NBC have listed the name as Wang Long? Would that have made it worse or better? But Long hyphen Wang was listed when they competed. And I of course took a picture of that and put that up. And they were phenomenal. They were so good that they had to keep showing Long Wang on the screen because they were dominating. Long Wang from China, no less. So having fun watching the Olympics. they were dominating. Long Wang from China no less. So having fun watching the Olympics. We'll see. I loved seeing Djokovic win men's tennis.

I did not enjoy watching Scottie Scheffler win the golf because he's boring. He bores me. I want to see somebody with some personality, somebody like a Denny McCarthy get in there. We, oh, and thank you, a lot of people, a lot of people left messages. I did a post for our 25th anniversary, me and my beautiful bride, 25 years, and thank you for all the nice notes.

She read through all of them as well. It was very caring and yes we had a very nice night. The kids cooked us dinner, they made us lamb chops, and then we watched a Marx Brothers movie and it was very nice. Owen in the meantime has moved out. The day after our anniversary he packed up and he moved in with his friend also named Owen. So we have two Owens. We call them O1 and O2. Living in an apartment on their own and it was a little sad. I mean him going to college was obviously sad and a milestone. I didn't say sad, obviously you're happy,

but like when he moved out, it was more like, oh, this is like, this is it. Like short of him really having a career misstep, he's not coming home ever again, except to visit. I mean, granted, it's five miles away he'll be here on Sundays to do laundry and have dinner with us I'm hoping that's the plan but every night that he was living here he graduated a year ago he would go out and we would leave on the porch light for him and the night he moved out I went to close down the

house at the end of the night and the porch light was on and I turned it off and one tear just one tear rolled down my cheek just one Indian pollution tear running down my cheek so we'll'll see, we'll see how long he lasts. Who knows? I don't want him to fail, but I hope he does come on Sundays. All right, I don't want to get too into this. We got, Jesus, I got so much to get to. I'm gonna talk about my road rage next week. I had a road rage incident. And, but I should just say it. So I'm driving a yoga. I do beach yoga on Sunday mornings.

And so I was driving to beach yoga this Sunday and it's 9 a.m. so there's nobody on Abbot Kinney in Venice. Cruise along Venice. And all of a sudden this guy, this kind of douchey looking Venice-y guy, it kind of goes shops at Air One and Whole Foods exclusively. And he just kind of is meandering across Abakini. And right in front of me, could have waited for me to drive by, could have gone to the crosswalk.

No, just walk. So I just keep fucking going and the guy has to jump out of the way. I don't give a fuck. I'm in my Subaru Outback. I'm going to yoga and he starts screaming and I just keep on driving. And about a mile later I'm at a traffic light and guess who pulls up next to me in his Chevy something screaming at me. You motherfucker you almost ran me over.

And now his girlfriend jumps out of the car and I was like, oh, it's on. This chick is gonna punch me or slap me and I'm gonna have to figure out an appropriate reaction. And instead she starts taking photos of my license plate and of my face and I'm just waving, she's taking pictures, I'm waving. I'm yelling back at him, he's yelling at me. And then he pulls his car in front of me, tries to block me.

It was a whole thing. So I get to yoga and now I'm all jacked up. I'm going to relax. And I was really looking forward to relaxing on Sunday. I needed it. I've been very stressed out. And so I get to my mat and the instructor Morgan, who's amazing, is telling the class to stay on your, she said, stay on your mat, keep your mind on your mat, whatever happened before this, she didn't know what happened before this, she always knows how to, she knows right where I'm at and she meets me there.

And she says, stay on your mat, be in this moment. And I spent an hour and 20 minutes whoever long class was thinking about that motherfucker I never got in the zone because because I'm crazy because I'm a crazy person and anyway so that was my road rage for the week getting stressed out because I got this special coming out. God damn it, three weeks, I can't believe it. My special comes out. I'm officially announcing it on August 20th.

And we'll put out a trailer. There'll be some clips from the special airing around then. But in the meantime, mark your calendars. I'm counting on you guys. This special means a lot to me. I'm counting on you guys. This special means a lot to me I'm really proud of it. I just watched it in its entirety color corrected sound mixed everything and I've sent it to a few people Getting great feedback and I want you guys to see it and I want you to share it and I want you to talk about

It make comments. Let's let's get this shit in whatever the algorithm is I don't know what the algorithm is but apparently I got to talk about it, make comments. Let's get this shit in. Whatever the algorithm is, I don't know what the algorithm is, but apparently I gotta get in it. So you gotta get in it to win it. So help me do this thing. We also have some dates coming up. Before then, Louisville Comedy Club August 23rd 24

Denver Comedy Works August 29th through the 31st Austin I'll be at the mothership September 6th through the 8th Temecula at the Montserrat Winery September 21st Alaska coming to Fairbanks September 25th through the 28th and then Tulsa Oklahoma Tac Washington, San Francisco all this fall. Go to FitzDog.com get yourself some tickets. Also there's a cool thing they do honoring our good dear friend Brody Stevens who we lost in 2019. I can't believe it's five years, and the community has rallied around him and focused the grief into a charity, or what do you call it, a foundation,

and Comedy Gives Back is behind it. Comedy Gives Back is a place that my dear friends all run and they are putting together a weekend with a softball game and a walk and it's gonna be all the comics are gonna be there. If you want to come out and celebrate Brody with a bunch of other comedians you can go to Brody Fest online or go to comedygivesback.com, I think, or just look up Brody Fest and come on out and support it. Also, that's it.

Also, I wanna talk about my guest for a moment. She has a podcast called What We Thought Would Happen. She and I go back to New York, no, Boston. When I started in Boston all those years ago, she was there. We were in New York at the same time. We did a feature film together. We went to Australia on a comedy tour together.

We hosted a show on Comedy Central together for a little bit. Been through a lot. Again, she was a writer on Comedy Central together for a little bit. Been through a lot. Again, she was a writer on Will and Grace, Two Broke Girls, Pen 15. She was on Curb Your Enthusiasm. And again, tons of specials, but she's great. I had a really nice talk to her this week.

And here it is now. Enjoy my chat with the great Laura Keitlinger. Yeah, this is the script you want to read it? Yeah, you really have like a little. I just make some notes. I like that. That keeps it entertaining. Yeah, you're, you know, a little blurb about your show, some notes about things I wanna bring up, some of your credits, and then I have some standard questions

I ask all the guests. Okay. Which I don't know because I don't listen to anything. You've never listened to this podcast? No. I just love you, but I. Are we taping? I don't listen to anything. You've never listened to this podcast? No. I just love you. Are we taping? I don't listen to my own.

I don't listen to my own. I don't listen to any podcasts. Garrett doesn't let me listen to ours because he says I'm too critical. We already started. We're gonna keep what we already did as part of the podcast because I never do that. A lot of podcasts do that thing where they roll on you

and they don't tell you. And then you talk shit about your opening act or something. Oh wow, okay. Yeah, we pull the mic up a little bit more right in front of your face. Right here? There you go. So speaking of opening acts, Daniel, who is your co-host on your podcast, was supposed to be here today. Your co-host on your podcast was supposed to be here today. Here's what I don't understand. You do a podcast. Now you are a fixture in Hollywood, not only as a writer, but truly I put you up there as one of the most original sharp comics that I've ever seen.

Thank you, Darlin'. You got this sidekick on your podcast who you're pulling along. No, no, no, no, no. You have a big name and this guy doesn't show up to an interview? What is that all about? Well, I think it's, I think,

here's what I think is funny, is every time that I try to plug something, it's a joke, I'm not meant to plug anything. You know? Because it's, I mean, even if I tried. That was my nickname in high school, by the way. What? Not meant to plug anything.

Hey, I was gonna ask you, because you're a toughie. Yeah. Did you get into fights in high school? Oh yeah. Oh you did? What are you gonna flip it? You're gonna flip the interview on me? No, no, no.

Are you gonna do that thing? I'm just wondering, because to me, you're such an even tempered good egg. Yeah. Greg the good egg. I wondered if you had to protect anyone in high school or if you were the one getting beat up. It's funny that you say that

because the fights I got into were almost all because I was so irate that somebody was being mistreated that I stepped in and did something. Like the girl who lived across the street from me was being teased on the bus in seventh grade. And we got off the bus and I punched the kid in the face. Nice. And then when I was in college,

there was a kid who was drunk and this other guy was pushing him and him and friends were laughing. And I punched him, but I had friends and my friends, who was drunk and this other guy was pushing him and him and friends were laughing. And I punched him, but I had friends and my friends, I was also good at hanging around with big guys who would often break up the fight and I would always get in a cheap shot

from behind my friend. And I'm not afraid of hitting and running. You're the best. Yeah, punching a sprint. That's the key. And I'm not just saying just because you're Irish that there's like a cop mentality, but I also think like there's a guy who's the lookout. I'm glad you were never the lookout.

The cop who's the lookout while the other 10 cops are beating someone up, but you're not that guy. No. You're in it. I get in it. I'm attracted to it. If there's a fight in a bar, I run to it. Most people run away.

I'm like what the firemen were on 9-11, I am to a bar fight. Fantastic. Everybody else runs in, runs out, I run in. You're a hero. What about you? Because you're a tough chick. You don't put up with anything.

And I know this because any time I've said something that you didn't agree with you're not you're not somebody that will let it just flow past you'll you'll go you'll stand up for you for an idea right so physically was that something that you also did when you were in high school yeah I got into a fight you grew up in upstate New York? Yeah, well, Western New York. Okay. It kind of near closer to Buffalo, you know.

Okay. But yeah, I was in a fight in junior high. This girl was kind of like making fun of me and I was putting makeup on and she was saying, why do you bother or something like that. And then she actually, and I said, you know, you shouldn't either or something. And then she kind of pushed me,

and then I pushed her back, and being taller than everyone, I pushed her back, she went through the, like the bathroom stall door and landed on the toilet. Whoa, that's a push! Yeah, and then I don't even, you know, if you don't really get into fights that often, you don't know that you have the strength,

you don't know how much anger you've built up, how much rage. So I, and then I got grounded for a day for hurting her, but she- Suspended or grounded? Oh, I'm sorry, suspended. Yeah, I didn't get grounded, but I got suspended. Wow.

Do you think it's because she was saying what you were saying in your own head? Why bother putting the makeup on? No, I always think, I always hear my mother, even now in my own head, like, you need blush, you look dead. Yeah, yeah. I even have too much blush on now probably, but.

No, the studio's warm. Yeah, well I can't wait till I'm dead so that my mom, I hope I die first so that she can say, when I'm dead, she can say, you look dead, you look alive. Maybe she'll say, I look alive, because somebody will have put on my makeup for me. And thank you.

My mother said, we were on the phone yesterday, it was my son and my wife and me on the phone, because it's my 25th anniversary today. Congratulations. Thank you. So my wife, my mom, there's a Freudian slip, my mom called yesterday, I think trying to get us across the

finish line, hoping we'd make it, and she said something about her hand, she had hand surgery, her back is bad, and she goes, I just wish for you that you die before you get old. I was like, wow. And she says shit like that a lot. My mom made me laugh so hard. My mom does that too. I mean, she said the other, I have an uncle who had diabetes and lost both of his feet. They amputated both of his feet.

And so she was just complaining like a list of, I call it the conga line of all the shit that's wrong, all the complaints. And she said, you know, and Aunt Joyce is this, and your Uncle Bucky's walking around without feet. He's walking around without feet. And I was just like, we both laughed so long on that one.

I was like, okay. Uncle Bucky, don't you change the nickname when you lose the feet? And there's a million possibilities at that point. I know,, okay. Uncle Bucky, don't you change the nickname when you lose the feet? There's a million possibilities at that point. I know, I know. So, yeah, my mom is in Florida, and we don't call it the conga line, but I go down, I call it the organ recital,

because everybody goes, Harvey's liver's bad, Tommy's heart is not working. Jesus. Now I hope we both, I think your mom's right. Let's both die before we get older. Well, she listens to the podcast. Oh, she does. She just told me yesterday, she's like,

I didn't know Mike's father died. And then you immediately, cause I do another podcast, you know, Mike Gibbons. Yeah, yeah. So Mike and I do a podcast called Sunday Papers. And I made her swear she would never listen to it because I don't wanna think about what I'm saying about her.

If it like this conversation, now I'm suddenly going like, did I say anything? No, I'm just reporting what she said. And then, but one of her neighbors programmed it on her phone so it just pops up in her feed all the time. Oh, geez, okay. And so she doesn't even know how to work it, but when she turns her car on, it connects to her phone and it just starts playing my podcast.

Wow. Because it's the only podcast in the queue. And then she sits in the parking lot because she doesn't know how to do it outside the car and she'll sit in her car for an hour and a half and listen. Yeah. Won't it be ironic when she's in the garage with the gas on and the last thing she heard.

No, I'm kidding. Mrs. Fitzsimmons, don't please hang around because I'd like to meet you. Yeah. Please, not that that's a reason, but still. And your mom is, is she in upstate New York still? She's in North Carolina. Oh.

She a Republican now? You bet. No, was she always? I think so, yeah. Yeah, but you go down there and it becomes turbocharged. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you guys have heavy conversations about politics? You avoid it. Well, no. If I make, I'll go ahead and burn through one of my, one of my new jokes in 10 years that I have so little in common with my mother that I relate to transgender people because I feel like I was in the wrong body for nine months. We can talk about cats and dogs and that's it. That's it.

Yeah. Why, your mom isn't a Republican. No, but it's hard because, I mean, I grew up in a liberal household, but once you move to Florida, it's rough. Everybody, she stops by someone's apartment and Fox News is just on all the time, everywhere. And so she's sitting at the pool

and everybody's hitting the typical talking points and she's just sitting there like she's not good at holding her tongue but she's been beaten down for so long that now she kind of does. Sure. But I don't see her shifting. I'm very proud of her because some people will just go, well fuck it, I'll drink the Kool-Aid. And she hasn't done that. Right, oh good. Yeah. And what about your dad? Was he a political guy?

I didn't really know him that well. I called my dad the wandering Jew because he was married and a Jew and had an affair with my mother and that's why I'm here. Really? I thought you knew that. No. My friend forever. Yeah? I thought you knew that.

No. My friend forever? Yeah. I might have known it and forgotten it, but that's hard to forget. So was he ever married to your mom? No. No, no.

He was married and divorced once and then during the second marriage had an affair with my mother. Did he pay child support? No. So your mom was a full-on single mom? Yep. Wow. Yeah. That's what made you such a strong woman. Oh maybe so. Well I know well I would have rather had rich parents. I did. Did you really? Did your parents well off? Yeah well they weren't

originally. I was born in the Bronx and they had no money. And then my father was in radio and he ended up, we moved around the country a little bit. Oh right. We moved to Youngstown, Ohio, when he was breaking into radio. It was like KRP in Cincinnati. Oh amazing, amazing. That's where my mom was from is Youngstown. No. Yeah.

It's a mob town. Did you know that? No, that would make sense though. It's the mafia town of the Midwest. Wow. Yeah. And then we moved to Philly for a little bit and then he finally came to New York

and got a real radio show and then started making money. And then we, yeah, we were, I'm not, we weren't rich, but we were very comfortable. So that must be. By the way, that's my joke that I insist that my kids do. What? Ever since they were like five years old, I only have a couple bits I make them do.

Okay. If I walk in and like one of them is splayed on the couch, I say, are you comfortable? And they have to say, I make a nice living. That's good. Yeah. I like that. Do you still do that, Joe? Um, yeah.

Okay. I didn't want to shake it this way. Wow. Oh, that's amazing. So you know what? I bet that's comforting to your mother because your dad was a radio person and to hear your voice. Yes.

Right? And then my son in college had his own radio show. Wow. And now my daughter is working at this studio. So yeah, three generations of radio. Because really, why be a doctor for three generations when you can go into a low paying, completely insecure profession

where you're forced to challenge your insecurities every time? Yeah, but you can still hear yourself talk. That's all that matters. Yes. Now, do you sound like your dad? Do you think? Very much. Oh, okay.

Yeah, it was a... Jesus. It was the... He died in 93, so last year was... 30 years. Wow. A year ago this month, it was 30 years, so I did a... I had all these old tapes of his, like video... audio cassettes of his from his radio show over the years, so I had all these old tapes of his, like video, audio cassettes of his from his radio show over the years, and so I went through and I pulled together an episode where I played cuts of my dad talking.

Oh, that's awesome. And that's the biggest feedback I got was, oh my God, you sound exactly like him. Oh. Yeah. That's great. And he was a wise ass and a ball buster, but also very warm. I think I learned a lot from him.

Now I'm really rubbing it in your face. Yeah, me without a father. Oh well. Oh my God. Did you have a father figure? Did anyone like step in? My mom, I guess, was my father figure. Well, no, my mom was married, my mom was married after,

well, you know, after I, she got married for the first time when I was out of school, so. Oh, she did? Yeah, yeah, yeah, she got time when I was out of school. Oh, she did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She got married when I was 30. She married a sheriff. Wow. So just as well, and we probably wouldn't have gotten.

But I still, I used to say, well, I used to do this in front of my mother and my stepdad Wayne. If he'd say, oh, you know, he was super nice guy. And he'd say, so it's so it's you know, what's it like out there, you know, in California, what's the weather like? It's OK. And then then when you get off the phone, I'd say to my mom, I don't have to listen to him. He's not my real father. Why is he always in my business? Yeah.

I'll do whatever the hell I want. He doesn't care what the weather's like out here. I'm not coming home tonight. You live in California. Right. Yeah. I'll do whatever the hell I want. Tell him to...

Wait, so is he no longer with us? No. No. Geez, just like that. Came and went. Yeah. And now your mom is alone. Mm-hmm.

Geez. In North Carolina. Yeah. What did she do with her days? She's so cl- Well, she was, and I knew this was a bad idea, she was volunteering at the Humane Society, and then when she was up to a three-cat-a-day habit, I said, Mom, you know, come on. But now she has a really tight community of girlfriends and guy friends there, so. How nice. I think she's pretty happy, yeah,, come on. But now she has a really tight community of girlfriends and guy friends there.

So I think she's pretty happy, yeah, in her neighborhood. So you got the cat-loving gene from her as well. Yeah. Are you still neutering cats on the weekends? Didn't you do that for a long time? Yeah. You still do that? We did the trap and the spay and neuter trap and release,

all that. I don't do that as much, no. But the Catherine fund Carla Richardson's a really good friend of mine she helps all these animals and stuff but if anybody's gonna donate donate to the Catherine fund oh yeah they yeah they always help we're gonna put a link on the website okay great yeah good thanks so at some point did you did you have a van that went around to? Did you have a van?

No. I think I was maybe joking. You know what? I did do a pilot. I'm finishing up. And this is why I asked you if you've had a vasectomy. And it's just called Get Fixed. Like Seinfeld a little bit, I'm taking comics and musicians

to get vasectomies. I'm driving them to get vasectomies. Seriously? Yeah. Wow. Because they should. Yeah. I hear you kids giggling over there. Right, right.

Come on, what do you have to offer? No, I'm kidding. Is there any health benefit? Like, I'm not gonna... Well, these guys are young. I don't think that they wanna get vasectomies yet. But Paul, you know, your work is done. Right? What about me? What about a guy like me?

I'm 58, I'm never gonna have a kid again. Is there any health benefit to me getting it? I thought there was, there was some, I guess a few studies that it helps your prostate, but that's not... That's not... Factual. Yeah. I mean, I guess that's not proven.

It's some, it's helped, but it's not a real fact. So we're talking about men who maybe are... On the road, have had kids, or shouldn't have kids, and no they shouldn't, or don't, or know that there are enough people on the planet they could possibly adopt if they really wanna have kids. Right, right. So if they meet someone. Yeah.

I wonder if there's gonna be a lot more adoptions now with Roe v. Wade being challenged in so many places. Do you, is there any numbers about that yet? Cause it's been nine months, right? Well, I know that tons of women have had to travel out of town, and there are probably deaths from, just like in the 60s and 70s, there were deaths from bad or botched abortions. Oh, you mean people that, yeah, underground. I sort of have this theory that as each state decides, because that's sort of where it's left right now,

as each state decides, that eventually, California is going to be the last holdout. And it's going to be like, it's going to be most of our income in this state, Disneyland and abortions. Yeah. Well, I think that they should be available at Disneyland.

I was talking to Jeremy Kramer, or you should be able to get a tubal ligation. We made these t-shirts that are, I got my tubes tied at Raging Waters, or whatever the fuck, at Six Flags. Instead of you have to be this tall to ride this ride, you have to be this wide to ride this ride. Or vasectomies, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Why aren't there vasectomies? And that is such a simple operation. I don't think men realize it's your vas deferens, V-A-S, then space, D-E-F-E-R-E-N-S, those two tubes. It has nothing to do, it doesn't even touch your penis or your testicles, it's just those two tubes. And they're taken out.

And the orgasm doesn't change? No. Discharge doesn't change, the amount? Because a lot of men are concerned with the size of their... No, it's, what it does, it retracts the sperm count, I mean, it takess the sperm count. I mean, it takes away your sperm count. Got it. Yeah.

Wow. I would have done it. Yeah. For sure. Especially since a lot of women have a hard time with birth control, it has the hormones have a bad effect on them. Oh yeah.

Whereas with the man, if there's no downside, it seems like an easy one. Yeah, and the operation itself, you know, you go in, it takes like 10 minutes, it's like a snap of a rubber band, and it's done. And then you just have to, I guess, jerk off 20 times or so to make sure everything's out, and then you can go bareback. Wow. Yeah, so that's another reason why I'm surprised that more men don't do it because you don't have to worry

about having a condom. 20 times? So after three days, a guy is totally clear to have sex with him. Sorry, Joe, you don't need to hear this, but. I remember you talking about, you were at Largo one night and some of my favorite memories of living in Los Angeles maybe my favorite is going to Largo on Fairfax back in a Tay Day. It was really like there's certain moments

like if you talk about the Borsch Belt comedians back in the 50s, or you talk about Houston in the 80s when it was like Bill Hicks and Brett Butler. Like there was moments and places where comedy really was what Malcolm Gladwell would say an outlier. Like Largo was an outlier at that time. It was like, it was you and Sarah Silverman and Cross and Odenkirk, Patton Oswald, I mean it goes on and on.

Blaine Capatch, got so many, yeah. Judy Tolle. Yeah, Paul F. Tompkins, Garofalo was there a lot. And I remember one night you were on, and everybody did a new five, whatever it was, five or 10 minutes we went up, you had to do brand new material every time. So the audience was in on that,

and it was something electric and supportive. It was very supportive. If they felt like you had an original premise and you were finding it on stage, they were behind you. Right, right. And I remember one time, this is just a little throw, you just had a little throwaway, you're like,

God, I had so much work I had to do today, I just had to fling myself on the couch and masturbate. And every guy in the crowd was like, women do that too? So what was the, for you, what was like the, I remember at Largo you had your own, what was the bottle that you had in the refrigerator? Oh, it used to be Sky Vodka, but now it's Grey Goose. Do you keep it in any refrigerator of any bar right now?

No. That's the only place you've ever had your own bottle? Yeah. Yeah. Cause I was sick of not having that. I think that, but cause was it beer and wine at first? Or did they just drink it? Largo? Yeah. Oh, is that why you did it?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I remember Odenkirk one night, I never really got along with Odenkirk. And I went on one night. He's a little bit nutty. This is why. I wentirk one night. I never really got along with Odenkirk. And I went on one night. He's a little bit nutty. This is why. I went on one night.

And you know, I'm like a hack compared to a lot of those guys. I'm the guy that, I would be on the road Thursday through Sunday. And then I'd come back in Largo's Monday and I would do some of the stuff that I had been doing in St. Louis or Boise that weekend. And so I think I felt more like a club comic sometimes

than what you'd call an alt comic. And so Odenkirk went up after me one night and he did his entire set as me being like, cause I think I did something about sex. And he was like, and he like did a caricature of like a hacky comic? No. Yeah.

Well, maybe it wasn't you. That's true. Maybe I was being sensitive. Yeah. But I, yeah, I, and I don't ever consider myself an alt comic because, cause I won't just go up and bullshit around. I like to have material.

I don't, I don't think I'm that courageous to just think it's going to come to me up there. Right. Yeah. I always have material. Remember the other joke you had about, I don't think I'm that courageous to just think it's gonna come to me up there. Right. Yeah. I always have material. Remember the other joke you had about, you had a boyfriend from Northern Ireland and he said to you,

oh, now I'm forgetting the joke. What was the word he said? Oh, he said, oh, cause he said, oh, you're always complaining about how bad your life is. Why don't you change it? You know you're the order of your aunt, Fiat. And then I said, you're right. I am the otter of my own fat.

Fucking Irish guys. Well, did you ever know Mary Fitzgerald's boyfriend, Sean Burgoyne? No, no, but we talked about that on my, on our podcast, on What We Thought Would Happen. Oh, we did? But I never met him.

Oh. But tell me what... Well, I'm not gonna worry about if we cover things on your podcast that we're gonna talk about on this podcast, because I don't know that there's a lot of crossover. I mean, I hope there is, and I think, and that's sort of the point of doing...

Well, I'm on your coattails, so that your listeners will listen to my bullshit. Which is called What We Thought Would Happen, and there is a gentleman who, I don't know if you're calling him a gentleman now, who co-hosts it with you, and you guys are so great together, and the podcast.

I like that you're reading that right off the thing, and you guys are so great together. That's what it says, it says it right here. I know that, Greg. So you're not saying right off the thing. And you guys are so great together. That's what it says. It says it right here. I know that, Greg. So you're not saying it from your heart. I'm looking at my hair next to this pool. I feel like maybe I should just jump back into the pool and let it get all frizzy again.

Cause that's why it's at fucking, anyway. That's perfect. Darling, go on. Yeah. So anyway, the podcast is, it's perfect. Darling, go ahead. Yeah. So anyway, the podcast is, it is prepared. When I came on, I felt very much like it's flattering when the host has done some homework and they have some insightful questions that like.

That's what's great about Daniel. Yeah. What's great about it? He does the homework? Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. I'm too self-centered to think about what other people have done.

Right. Yeah. So it's a very lively podcast. You keep it funny. He keeps it flamboyant. He's very flamboyant. Okay. And very clever.

And I wish he was here, but... No. No. No. No. No. No. How long, how you've been doing, what have you done, about 20 episodes now? Oh, no more than that. I'd say we've done 40. Oh, no kidding. Yeah. Wow. Well, we were now this you probably had this happen. We were voted the five in the top 5% of most listened to podcasts globally. What does that mean? I don't know. You were voted? Voted?

Wait, you're in the top 5% of most listened to podcasts? Yeah. Get out of here. Yeah. That's amazing. I know. Well, but aren't there like a million podcasts? Yeah.

So that doesn't matter. Well, so you're up there with like Rogan and Bert Kreischer and those people? I don't know. Wow. I mean, cause they gave us, that's what they, you know, they sent us this thing. Yeah.

Garrett told me and I was like, wow, that's somebody's listening to us. Well, because it's quality and your husband who is a videographer, an editor and a cinematographer. Yeah. Very talented guy and he controls the look of the show. Yeah. Everybody looks great and the sound is great.

He goes crazy over things like that. Yeah. Like I can't even watch anything with him because it's, oh wow, look, you know, there's the boom or something. Oh really? Yeah. You know what I love though,

that I think is so beautiful that we both agree on is Babylon Berlin. Have you been watching it? No. Oh, it's fantastic. Is it subtitles? Yes. You don't like to read? At the end of the day my eyes are so worn out I have a hard time reading. I just look at a blurry picture. Oh okay. But now they have a thing where they do a voiceover they do the image

which is so bad. It's terrible. Oh it's so terrible and this is a drama and we yeah we accidentally got that at first and you know and all of you know it's it's so terrible. And this is a drama. And we accidentally got that at first. And all of it's Berlin, it's the 30s, and the Nazis, everything. And it's like, I'm going to, I'm going to come in. It's like, no, that's a Nazi at the door. He's not saying, I'm going to come in and kill you. Yeah.

You better watch out. There's a whole bunch of us. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I... Do you value your life? Do you value your life? Like, with one of the women. It's like, no, not now I don't.

Anyway. All right, take my daughter. No. I don't think my kids have seen Sophie's Choice and I think that's one that they need to see. Don't you think? Well, I think it's like one of the top five greatest films ever made. Oh, I thought you were about to say that you'd choose your son.

Oh, don't say that. Because that's kind of the big, isn't that what you take out of that? Oh did she choose the son? Didn't she? Jesus Christ that's the whole thing. That's the whole point of the movie. You just gave it away. I'm saying I want them to watch it. Well you haven't seen Sophie's Choice. You haven't Joe? Okay well your dad would choose you. I mean if heaven forfend. Yes, I would choose you. Anyone? But I would ask you to act like Owen.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I'm missing the whole thing because I hate men so much that I'm seeing it just as that. Of course she chooses the guy, the boy. The only place where women are valued I think maybe is in Texas, the young girls in Texas. And I get that from my husband because he was the younger son and everything was for the daughter.

Oh, is that right? The good room, the good everything. No kidding. Even when she went away to college, he said that he had the bathroom, he had the bathroom which had like a dead pigeon in it. Even though she wasn't there, he couldn't use her bathroom. Anyway. My friend dated a girl from Texas,

but she was adopted. And it was a very wealthy ranching family. And they had no kids and they really wanted a child, couldn't get pregnant, so they adopted her and she's clearly either indigenous or Latino but she's Latina. She's very dark skinned, very beautiful, beautiful woman. And as a kid, so they embraced her and and then the mom got pregnant. And then pregnant again, so she had two of her own kids, and they treated her, they, she went from a princess to, she was a little big, they used to make her weigh in

before dinner, and then instead of eating, she would walk if she was overweight. That's awful. It was the most awful childhood you've ever heard, and she said then the other two girls that were born were like what you're describing. They were just adored. Oh no.

That's crazy. Yeah. Write that screenplay. Texas should be flushed anyway. Well, everyone's moving there and I keep going, I don't understand. Where, to Austin? Cause Austin is okay.

That's a great comedy scene, I guess. Yeah, I like Austin. That's where I just shot my special. Oh you did, congratulations! Thank you. Yeah, how'd it go? It went, you know what, it's so hard, you've done so many, we've probably done what,

seven specials? But 20 years ago. Yeah, but you know what it's like to look at yourself in an edit bay over and over and over to the point where you don't think any of the jokes are funny and you think you look pasty white. That's why I think I'm pasty. I always hate the way I look.

And so I finished it and they just sent me, there's a thing in editing called color correction, which is where they saturate the colors, I guess. Right. Try to get rid of the shadows. And so that was it and it's locked. And they sent it to me and they said, just take one more look at it. Well, it's not locked. I took one look at it this it's locked and they sent it to me and they said just take one more look at it

Well, it's not locked I took one look at it this morning and that and then and I said it's fucking great and and I felt really good about it It's excellent. It's 53 minutes and I feel like I've been on the road for 35 years and I go on the road 35 weekends a year and I do an an hour long show five times in a weekend. Amazing. And I haven't done a special in eight years, and I feel like this is eight years worth of me

hitting the road that hard. Wow. And I'm just really proud of it. I'm so glad. That's something I'll watch. I'll actually watch that. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

And I don't watch anything, but I don't watch anything but detective shows, but I'll watch that. Does anybody die in the end? Yeah. Can you make someone die in the end? Well, the set fades a little bit. I definitely do all the good stuff up front. Somebody gave me that advice. They said, nobody has an attention span anymore,

so nobody watches your whole hour. So do all your best stuff up front. So my first 20 minutes is like just overhand writes, and then it starts to get into some storytelling. Oh, fine. That sounds good though. Yeah. Because then they're in.

They're already in. Yeah. Those are the fans. I want to go with you on one of these, on one of your road trips. I want to just see if I can do it again. I've been trying to do an hour and I've done a few like 45 minutes and I can't remember things. I like to blame it on the brain aneurysm three remember things. And I think it's because of, I like to blame it on the brain aneurysm three years ago,

but I think that's getting kind of tired. Cause that's not it, it's just I'm losing my memory. Well, nobody wants to see an hour. Yeah. I don't do, I do 15 minutes on the road. Yeah. Nobody, unless you're Chappelle or somebody that is really like just one of the great orators

of all time. Yeah. Nobody wants to see you up there that long. They've already seen an opening act and a feature act. They got their check. It's like, all right, we get it. You're funny. Oh, okay.

That's so funny. 45 is fine. Yeah. Then, okay, so maybe I could do it. Where did you do the 45 minutes? I was thinking about, oh, I did a residency at the Lyric, but I was thinking like Dave Chappelle and those, and some of the bigger comics,

like when they talk about how they lost like 30 million on a deal or something, like who in the audience knows what that's like? I know, right? Right, yeah. Like, oh, yeah, that was, huh? Thanks for letting us in on your pain. Thanks for being so vulnerable. Yeah.

You lost 30 million. Meanwhile, he's telling you that in an arena where you paid 100 bucks a ticket on his 15,000 seats. I think you'll get the money back. Yeah, and that's two days. Yeah, that's two days of your salary, or a full day's salary is what you paid for a ticket. No, these guys are playing arenas.

There's so many people playing arenas right now. It's crazy. Taylor, what's her name, is doing it now, the one, she's got the late night show. Oh, Tomlinson. Yeah, she's funny. Oh gosh, I'll check that out. She's doing arenas I

Mean there's probably a dozen comics playing 15,000 seat shows shit night after night. I'd be thrilled to fill a theater Yeah, of like 250 that I would that's a club. Oh shit. Yeah, that's all I want I just want to fill a 250 seat club five times in a weekend. And I'm good. Even four times. Well, then not a club. We can have a light show.

I think theaters are better. I would rather be on a, you know, because I think if you're going to a theater, then you're not as distracted as an audience member, rather than if you're in a club and then you realize you want another drink or all bullshit. Like, have you ever been heckled in a theater no but i feel like i feel like it's a little too precious i like raucousness i like people yelling out i like distractions i like to work off of it and you know you like getting into fights i like getting into fights that's right i

like the energy of a club okay Okay. But I get it. Most people prefer theaters, but Attell prefers clubs. I think when people do more crowd work, hacky type stuff, they prefer a club. God damn it, I loved his special. Wasn't it great? One of my favorite lines was, and we're talking about David Tell,

that he said, you know true loneliness when you see your reflection in a microwave, in the door of a microwave. I kind of butchered it, but you know. He's like, I live in New York. He goes, I got run over by a bike the other day. My fault, I was on the sidewalk. It was a food delivery guy,

or as we call them in New York third responders. God that's so smart. He's funny. He's awesome. Yeah so who who are the comics that you said you don't watch specials if you were to pick three people that you would sit down and watch their specials who would it be? You. Thank you. And I've already, I've seen Dave's and Laurie Kilmartin. Yeah. And Max Beasley and they haven't done theirs yet I don't think, but but just, and I like, and James Fritz, and let's see, Alan Strickland Williams, and of course Eddie Pepitone. I would, anytime.

But I mean, I guess anybody that I know and have already seen that I know that they have material, I'm all for. Yeah. Like, and I would also, I think, I don't know if she was on the podcast, on my podcast, I think Martha Kelly is doing one. Oh, she's great. I love, I just, she's amazing. I would definitely watch her special. I think she might be doing one, or maybe she did one already, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, she was like, she was part of Largo, wasn't she? I think she did Largo back in the day, or is she too young?

She may have, but she's in the Austin scene. Yeah, right, right. Like she said, she was saying she keeps going back and forth. If people don't know, she was in Baskets, and Zach kind of, I think, wrote the part for her, because she's so perfect for it. And she was also recently in Euphoria. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. I haven't seen that yet, but yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I can't watch Euphoria. It feels like I feel like I'm watching something I shouldn't be watching. I know. I feel a little uncomfortable with it myself. Yeah. I mean, number one, I'm not on it.

Yeah. So that's one of the reasons I don't watch things, that I'm not on. And second, you're just looking at me like, I don't mean that, Greg. No, and yeah, dad, some of these, I feel like, I'm certainly not approved, but I feel like it's too much sex, for just seeing young,

people who are supposed to be teenagers, even if they're in their 20s, they're teenagers, you know. Right, right, right. So let me ask you this, speaking of sexualizing women, how do you feel about the outfits for the women in the Olympics? I don't know what they are. Can you believe it?

Why are they shorts? Well, some of them are like beach volleyball, they're wearing like thongs and like little bikini tops and the gymnasts have, you know, these girls are like 15 and they're wearing like practically thongs. And there's been a lot of women have been speaking up about how they think it's exploitative. Yeah, that's pretty bad.

I didn't, I guess I didn't, I'm not a man, so I didn't even see it that way, like that it was sexy. Yeah. So you have watched it. No, I've seen, yeah, I've seen the other things. Yeah, I thought in a way that that was, yeah, why should it be, you know, like a bathing suit? Yeah. Ever.

Right. I mean, especially, you know, for gymnastics, it doesn't seem like a bathing suit? Ever. I mean, especially for gymnastics, it doesn't seem like that should be, yeah. I know. They're already bending around, doing all the thing perverted men need. It's all there. You need the outfit too?

Yeah, oh, yeah. But I mean, the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, that's pretty raunchy. Yeah, that's raunchy. They don't really need that, do they? To cheer, well. How do you feel about the argument that strippers are empowering themselves?

I don't think that's, I mean, I'm fine with whatever. I went to a strip club with an old boyfriend and I was amazed at how athletic they were. But, you know, I don't know. If that's how you feel, that's fine. If you feel good in it, you know, it's stripping or whatever, then that's fine. But I don't think anybody, I was saying this the other day, I don't think there are teenagers, girls or boys, that say, oh, I can't wait to be a stripper when I grow up,

or I can't wait to be a sex worker. I think it's because you don't have, many times it's because you don't have options, and you wind up doing that. And they are athletic. Like you almost think sometimes when you see what they're doing on the pole, like, you were a gymnast.

You were a gymnast when you were a girl, which makes it so much sadder. Right. Yeah. Anyway, thanks for coming. Yeah, jeez, you've really bummed me out. And all women. And I've accidentally, like, seemed anti-woman. She doesn't think it's empowering to strip?

Well, fuck her. Why doesn't think it's empowering to strip? Well, fuck her. Why doesn't she try and, I would. It's just because I'm clumsy. I've fallen like three times just getting out of the car. I fell yesterday at a wedding. I'm so clumsy. Did you really? Yeah, I was dancing in heels,

and I fell, I was stripping in heels, and I fell on my butt at a wedding. So that's why. So that's why. Did you hurt anything? I think I broke, my wrist is killing me. Oh my God. Still, because I landed on my hands.

Jesus. But I've always been really clumsy. And when you're tall, it takes so long to fall down. Right. What are you, five nine? Yeah. Yeah. And then in heels I'm six.

Yep. So as I'm falling, I'm thinking, God, nine? Yeah. Yeah. And then it heals them six. Yep. So as I'm falling, I'm thinking, God, is this ever gonna end? Yeah. Yeah. Like, fall already, I know. Cause I'm trying to save, or I'm trying to stop myself. And then I'm like, ah, fuck it.

Yeah. And you're thinking there's a lot of short guys around who could have broken my fall. They could have, like, can't somebody dive in here? You can see that I'm trying not to fall and then I'm just bam. It's like a wildlife show and then the giraffe is born. Oh my, my mom thinks that I had a brain aneurysm

because I'd fallen on my head so much as a kid and still I actually, I was going out with my two girlfriends and this wasn't that long ago, well before we got married, we were out, you know, just to go out and drink. And I was walking down the stairs, and I fell into my own car and dented it. So that's why I'm really jealous of gymnasts and strippers

and the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, because I can barely stand, and they can do so many things in sexy clothes, okay? Yes, there you go. I just wanna make sure, I'm just making sure, you know. Now do you report that to insurance? Well how does that call go?

Oh. I have a dent, no it wasn't another car. Yeah. I had a few cocktails with the girls. No this is even. Yes, I was getting in the car. No this is before we went out. I had no cocktails, There's no excuse. But

you're right. How do I explain that? Yes, I have my own license here and I've taken it. And okay. Gregory! Oh, my God. My wife fell. We went bike bicycle riding on Sunday. She is a klutz. Once a year she falls down and breaks something or hurts something. Okay. And so we just were going over a curb that was about two inches. Yeah. And I was ahead of her and I literally had just checked on her to make sure she was behind me. And I kept pedaling and I'm pedaling and then all of a sudden I turn around and I don't see her and I double back, I double way back, I go in different directions. And then I come back and I realize she's laid out

on the grass on Venice Beach and I've been driving past her this whole time. And she fell over the curb, went over the handlebars, twisted her ankle really bad, like it swelled up like a balloon and she's got a huge bruise on her hip. And so now she's got one of those little carts that you put your leg on and then you push it around. So I took her to work this morning

and it was just this moment where I helped her in the car and then I had the trunk open and I was folding up the cart and I was like, 25th anniversary, I think it's this. Is this it? Wow. You know? That's pretty good. Welcome to the next 25.

Right. Cause she's going down. No, she's not. I know, when you get old and you fall, you, sometimes that's it. No, come on. We had dinner not that long ago. That's right.

Erin looks, first of all, like she's 20 years younger than you. She looks great. Oh, she does. Beautiful. But also, I think she's probably stronger than you. Well, maybe not stronger, but she's... She's Ukrainian, so she has that kind of like sturdiness about her.

Okay. But I think it's just like a balance thing. Neat. She just falls. Well, she might have one leg that's longer than me. Ah, is that what you have? I'm not talking about her penis, but yeah. You really do?

Oh yeah, yeah. And it's funny because I found this out as an adult and because I have scoliosis and they're like, oh you have one leg that's longer. But just by a little bit. I mean not like. So if you jog at a track, you have to set yourself in the direction that will make you turn that way?

I can't make a left turn even in a car. No, I didn't, no, I mean it's not that much of a difference but it does, like if your hips are once a little higher than the other, it makes a difference. It throws off your balance. No, I have scoliosis, I can't sit up straight. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh my God, I have a lazy boy at home

because I have to sit back when I'm sitting for long periods of time. Do you know what degree? I haven't looked at it in years but I was diagnosed when I'm sitting for long periods of time. Do you know what degree? I haven't looked at it in years, but I was diagnosed when I was probably in eighth grade or something. And my whole life I've had a bad back. Back pains, can't sit up straight. Yeah.

Yeah, I can't either, but I'm not going to what I haven't had back pain yet, but no, I'm a 13 degree S or whatever, so it's like... Oh yeah? Yeah, it looks like a sail, a sailboat, like on the, like, wait, on which side? But because of Pilates and Laura Mulrannan, who I take Pilates with, it's gone down a lot. No kidding. Yes, it really helps.

Well yeah, you gotta stretch it out. My son's, no, my daughter's friend had scoliosis so bad that he had full back surgery My son's, no, my daughter's friend had scoliosis so bad that he had full back surgery and he grew three inches. Yeah. Have you ever heard about that? Oh yeah, well I mean, usually you get scoliosis from a growth spurt. Yeah.

So- Oh, is that right? Yeah, where's your growth spurt? I'm sorry, that's not very nice, is it? We're gonna stop for commercial right now? I'm sorry, you were supposed to have a growth spurt? I'm sorry, that's not very nice, is it? We're gonna stop for commercial right now? I'm sorry, you were supposed to have a growth spurt in high school. You're not short. I'm five foot seven and three quarters.

Well, you're owed a growth spurt, I'm sorry. It was the national average, I believe. No, that is totally, that's tall out here. I think it's about right. Yeah, yeah, you're not short at all. I mean, every actor out here says they're 5'8", but they're 5'6", or 5'5". I believed for the first 24 years of my life

that I was 5'9". I got a bad reading and I just wrote it. And I carried myself like I was five foot nine. So tell your kid, yeah, tell your kid he's taller than he is. Tell your daughter she's shorter than she is. I know. I was just way, way, way, way, way. A long time ago, I was in two movies that I was in.

I had to be in a ditch because the guy was shorter. Because it's Hollywood and you were in a movie. You had to be in a ditch because the guy was shorter. Because it's Hollywood and you were in a movie? Yeah. You had to be in a ditch? Isn't that crazy? That's hilarious. Because the woman was 5'2", and one was that the guy was, I had to take off my shoes because the guy was 5'6",

or 5'7". No, the guy was, I think, 5'5". And did he wear lifts? No. But you had to take your shoes off. Yeah. Wow. But I mean, in real life, women are sometimes taller, but not, you know, not in Hollywood.

I think even in Eyes Wide Shut, it looked like they were the same height. And Tom Cruise is only like five foot six. Oh, I know. And she's got to be five ten. She is five ten. Five ten. Yeah. Yeah. So'10".

Yeah. So they either shot from underneath, way under, to make him look tall. Yeah. Or, I'm sure she was too much of a star to be on a, yeah, she probably wasn't in a ditch, like, you know, where tall women have to go if they're with a shorter guy.

Yeah. It's probably true of the acting as well. They probably, if you're funnier than the guy, might sometimes go, let's take it down a notch. Why don't you get on your knees and you, let's put you on a box. No, it's not funny. All right, so let me get to some of the questions that I.

Oh, good God, what time is it? Do I need to put money in the meter? No, you got two hours. That hasn't been two hours Jesus Christ it feels like I noticed in your credits on your website you list a lot of projects you've been in TV shows and films and writing and stand-up and there's one feature film that is, well, conspicuously lacking, monumental. A film we did together in 1996. I always think you should play my husband, we should be husband and wife in something.

Yeah. We just have to get, oh we have to, and I have the thing too, but we just have to get, I have the vehicle, it's just. Wait, we weren't romantic in that film. We weren't? No, you were, I was the

host of a talk show. Mm-hmm. And you, were you the executive or you were the head writer? Oh, I don't know, maybe I was the exec. Exec, I don't know. You were the exec, but it was a great film we mentioned our friend Mary Fitzgerald she directed her she and Nick directed it together yeah raised the

money together and you were great and that was so much fun and that was like I remember you did that and then was it Who's the Caboose was that the Sam Cedar movie you made around that time? Yeah, maybe. That I don't know if I stayed in. I think one of the few movies that I was still in, and luckily somehow get residuals for is Shallow Howl. Oh, no kidding. I wrote two seconds.

Yeah, and that was definitely, that was Jack getting his friends in because it was me and Kyle Gass, we played office workers in that. Oh. Yeah, yeah. You heard about what happened with Kyle? Yeah. You know, here's what I think is amazing

about that whole situation. Just so people don't know, Kyle Gass said that they missed Trump by that much and I think insinuated that he wishes that they'd shot him. And then Jack came out and he disavowed that being said as part of their musical act. But even you know when the thing that amazed me like okay when Trump was shot, what I was really shocked about, when this sort of thing happens, you know,

the shooter was 20, we're like, America is like the distraction capital. This person said this, this guy, the security wasn't good. How about not giving, not making guns so accessible? That never comes up. Isn't that like amazing? No a 20-year-old. The irony of the party that is fighting for gun freedom is the one that gets shot.

Look, I don't wanna weigh in on the controversy, but it is not yet been revealed that he was actually shot. And the FBI is actually doing an investigation that he was hit by shrapnel and that the bullet didn't actually hit his ear. Oh really? Which look either way the guy was hit he was injured and you know that shouldn't happen in a democracy but you know don't claim you got hit if it was a fucking... Exactly and Garrett's I get all my news from my husband he was saying that he didn't go up at all in the polls either after getting shot.

That shocks me. Yeah. Because you could not have scripted blood on the face fist pump. Yeah. Yeah. No, he hasn't. I mean, Kennedy did not raise his fist. That was such a bummer, wasn't it?

I have to take my glasses off now. Can you imagine being alive at a time when the president was fighting for civil rights, was actually making a move to pull us out of Vietnam, warming relations with Russia, charismatic, and then, Russia, charismatic, and then I mean I can't imagine a candidate or a president that people would have been more emotionally invested in. I know. I know. Lifetimes and then that he gets shot that I can't imagine what people went through at that moment. I know it's like the only like downside was he was Irish. The only downside was he was Irish. Yeah. The only downside.

One less. No, I know. That was real. And then the fact that Martin Luther King, Robert Kennedy, Malcolm X, I mean, the list goes on. It all happened within like four or five years. Yeah. People must have felt out of control at that time. I'm surprised more

people didn't move out of the United States then, or maybe they did. I think they did. Yeah. Yeah. If you had to move, I'd had to. If you chose to move, if this country got to a point where you felt it was no longer safe, where would you move? I'm thinking, you know, without having been there, well probably, I've been to Amsterdam so probably either Amsterdam or possibly, well, Galway because Garrett and I were just in Ireland and we really thought it was beautiful. We just spent the summer in Galway last year. That summer? The whole summer there? No, we did that for a week and then we

went to Spain. Where would you move? I love Galway. I definitely, Ireland is on the short list. I just don't think I could do the winter there. It really, it's really bad. It's dark and it's rainy. Wait a second, but you grew up, didn't you grow up in New Jersey?

New York. New York? Yeah, but it's not the same. You get blue skies in New York. You just don't get blue skies in the winter in Ireland. It's really bad. Hmm. But the people are second to none.

What about Australia? We went to Australia together. Oh my god. That was where I like to think that I bombed in Censoron. Because remember we were in that round theater? Right, right. And my first joke where I ate it completely, which I still remember.

And I think it's been borrowed a couple of times too, but I, you know, this was when we were in our twenties. And I came out and I said, oh, I'm really nervous because, you know, if I bombed tonight, you know, I'll be bombing for two. I just found out I'm pregnant and then everybody claps. And then I said, please hold your applause. I'm not sure if I bomb tonight, you know, I'll be bombing for two, I just found out I'm pregnant, and then everybody claps, and then I said, please hold your applause, I'm not sure if I'm gonna keep it.

And then the silence was, like, I felt like I could see my life pass before, I felt like I was- You opened with that? Yeah, and I felt like it was an outer body experience, like I could see myself leaving the theater. Yeah. Like, wow. Oh I

remember watching my jokes go down the toilet but in the opposite direction they normally would in the United States of America. Wow. I bombed. So we all did. Warren Hutcherson came over with us and Lewis Black. I just remember that the comedians there was a lot of British comics and there was Australian comics. They gave us the cold shoulder. Oh, they were such ass. Do you remember that?

They were hacking too, I thought. And they were not nice at all. No. No, there would be like a lunch and we'd be sitting at a different table and we'd go over to say hi. And like, first of all, they should be saying hi to us. If a comic from another country comes to this country,

I go out, Jimmy Carr, I go out of my, yeah, you wanna get some lunch, call whatever. You know, Tommy Tiernan's in town this week, I'm gonna see him. You like Tommy? I think so. He's an Irish, he's from Galway. I just said ah because I like the name Tiernan.

He's a Galway comic, he's probably the biggest comedian out of Ireland in the last Tana. He's a Galway comic. He's probably the biggest comedian out of Ireland in the last 20 years. Oh, wow. You ever see the show Derry Girls? No. Okay, he's on a TV show that's pretty big. Oh, okay.

That really crossed over. It's a huge, huge show in this country. I think it's on Netflix. Oh, God. Netflix, JoJo? Yeah. She's addicted to it. Okay, I'll watch it.

Yeah. I think he's at Largo. You should go check him out. You don't like Largo anymore. I think when Judd Apatow did a special there, I said, you know, it's just about money. It's just about, you know what I mean? It's not about having. It's just about, you know what I mean? It's not about having anybody like new and fresh or whatever. I mean, it's just about who's really famous

and really, I don't know. Well, Conan O'Brien taped his shows out of there during the pandemic. Which, you know, look, he was doing them a solid. I think he kept the place in business by doing it. But Yeah, it's definitely Got more marquee value than it used to have. Yeah, it's kind of commercialized But I don't know do you do you go there? Do you play there a lot? Not really. I

Don't connect with those crowds is great either. I feel like they're a little Like they have an agenda I don't want to cry with an agenda. Yeah. Like they're all comics or they're, you know. Yeah, they're, you know, I don't want people to blog about me. I don't want them to get on like a Reddit and review my jokes. Who are you?

You don't review my jokes. Yeah, like, yeah, like you're part of the scene, but you're not. Yeah, right. Yeah. Well, this is the answer. We have to move to Galway and open our own club. There is a club over there.

Oh, I'm sure there is, but I mean, we have to have our own. OK. That's kind of my dream. I want to have my own theater, small theater. That would be great. Do you know that there was a woman in Death Valley who owned a theater and performed for nobody every I guess every night or every few nights. I did that in Phoenix a few weeks ago. But I think that's it's so it's like a Lynch a Lynchian kind of I love it life

yeah in Death Valley. Who was it that did special? Oh Harlan Williams once did a one-hour special Alone in the Desert. Oh fantastic. It was just a turtle and then at one point a hawk started flying above and they were shooting the hawk and he was kind of playing to the hawk and it was pretty wild. And then Maria Bamford did a very cool special where she started out alone and then she was playing to just her parents and then she was playing to her neighbors. And like every 10 minutes they would add people and then she was like on a small sound stage and then by the end she's like in a theater.

Oh that's a good idea. It was amazing. That's awesome. You a fan of hers? Yes. Yeah.'s a good idea. It was amazing. That's awesome. You a fan of hers? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. She's pretty special. All right so let's play Fastballs with Fitz. Open to suggestions on the title by the way. Have you ever borrowed a lot of money or lent a lot of money to somebody? Yes.

money or lent a lot of money to somebody? Yes. Should I go into it? Is there a story where you lent money to somebody and it changed the relationship? No, not at all. Because when you lend it you just... I lent money to someone or someone offered to lend me money after the writer's strike of the great writer's strike of 2007 when everything went to shit for me. And then that person needed money and so I gladly lent them 40 grand. Because I had it, yeah. One of those rare things.

And they got it back to me immediately so it's always been good. And I had this thing like if I ever won an award I would just thank everybody who's lent me money. Because those are your real friends when you're so desperate. Right. Wow, it's an amazing thing because when you,

they say if you want to get closer to somebody, ask them for something, or even borrow money from them, and then pay them back, and you will be so much closer. Oh, that makes sense. Yes. Right. Because that way if you're in that desperate spot and then somebody kind of bails you out then you're like, you know. Would you lend me $10,000? Oh my god yes. Do you need it right now? That'd be great. Okay sure. I want to buy a Mustang. Okay. I think I need more than $,000, but. What have you turned down recently? A roast beef sandwich.

Cause I'm a vegetarian. I haven't turned down anything. I don't get any offers. A hamburger. Have you ever not finished a set on stage? Oh sure, my very first one. I was auditioning at Catch and... In New York City. Yeah, and it was my first, I had to do ten minutes.

This was the first time you ever did stand up? No, no, no, I had done stand up in Boston. This was my audition for Catch, and Louis Ferranda was there. And he said, oh, I'm sorry, hon. I'm going to have to bump you. And then Jerry Seinfeld went on and did a half hour. Then I went on and didn't get through to my, didn't finish my 10 minutes because I was getting heckled.

So I did like five minutes. And you just walked off. Yeah. I mean, I just ended short. Yeah. And that was your audition. Mm-hmm. Oh, that's so funny you have that story because the night I auditioned at Catch, Kevin Meaney,

who I knew from childhood, he was one of my best friends, but at the time he was kind of mentoring me and he got me an audition with Lewis at Catch. I can't believe you had the same story. I'm about to go on and Howie Mandel comes in and Howie annihilates. How? He has no material. All crowd work. He did all crowd work and annihilates. And then I went up next and the only laugh in the room was Kevin Meaney who was doubled over at how bad I was doing. I love Kevin. Wait, what years were you in Boston?

Um, I was there um from 88 to 91 and then I was in New York wait I went to New York like after college I went to New York 90 91 to yeah so basically 80 86 or 7 to 90 I think okay yeah cuz I was there I came came up, I started in 89. 88, 89 and then I left in about 93. Yeah yeah because I I give myself the I I mean even though I've been doing it forever I give myself the 92 is my start date because that's when I started hanging out with Mike Bent and other comics waiting in line to go you you know, at Stitches, which isn't there anymore.

Yeah, that's the first place I did stand-up, Stitches. Yep. Everybody from Boston talks about how, because you get interviewed and people say, who are your biggest influences and who are the greatest comics? And like, to me, like, I always put Don Gavin on my list. Oh, he's amazing.

Who is the comic you think of in Boston that if they had moved out would have been a really national big name? One of my favorites, and I am always messing up his last name, oh, Mike Donovan. Yes, yes. Donovan. Yes, yes. Donovan is brilliant.

Yeah. Yeah. So smart. And just the epitome of the dry, wise ass Boston guy. Yeah. And Kenny Rogerson, who I always think of to this day. And I actually worked on a show that lasted for a minute with Lenny Clark. Oh really? Yeah, extended family. Oh wow. Which was not extended.

I never named it something like that. You just set yourself up. Everybody loves Raymond, biggest mistake. They got away with it. Yeah. Could have gone the other way. Sure. Yeah, anyway. gone the other way. Sure. Yeah. Anyway. What is the and I'll let you go on this. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done? That's tough because I never do anything hacky. Oh man. How can there's so many Jesus. One that I keep getting quoted for, that I like to get off IMDb, I said, don't you hate it when you wake up next to someone after a night of drinking and you don't know their name or where they're from or why they're dead? That's pretty fucking hacky, right?

That's not a hacky at all. That's really old and hacky. I love that that's your hackiest joke. That's most people's best joke. No, that's something that, I mean, I'm sure there are tons, tons, tons. There's so much shit I can't even remember. Sometimes people quote something back to me

and I'll be like. Oh, I know. Mark Maron did that to me the other day. What? He intro'd me, cause you know at the comedy store, each comic introduces the next comic, its tag team. So he introduced me and he said something about, you know, we started together in Boss, blah blah blah.

And then I said, do you remember any of my early bits? And he did the bit that I'm probably most embarrassed about in my life. What? It was really stu. It was about like women giving... I was such a frat guy. I was... I always hated frat guys, but then I look back and I look at my early tapes and I'm just like, oh my god, I was just like jokes about fat chicks and like I just go like, oh my god, who was I? So I can't

remember what the joke was, but he kind of threw it back out there and I was just, it fucked up my whole set. Man. All right, listen. So what we thought would happen is the podcast. You can get it on all streaming services. Apple Podcasts. I looked at it today and you have five out of five stars, which is very rare for a podcast. Thank you, darling.

You have extremely high ratings. I've been on it. It's just you know there's a lot of podcasts out there but you know a quality podcast maybe gets lost in the shuffle but this is one that absolutely check it out listen to it once and you will you will subscribe and check out Laura she's performing at the improv in Hollywood a lot. And you doll, I never get on at the Improv. I've seen you there twice in the last six months. It's because of you, you invited me.

Oh, I see. No, you know where I am? When does this drop? Tuesday. Oh great, so I actually have two dates coming up. Oh, good. You said something so funny to me the last time I saw you that seeing me out was like seeing a Yeti.

And that's really true. I'm never out. But I will be at the Bourbon Room, just drinking. No, I'll be at the Bourbon Room Theater on August 22nd and at the Elks Lodge in Van Nuys on the 23rd. Have you ever done that show with Ron? Oh, it's really fun. Ron does it?

No, not Ron Lynch. I love Ron Lynch. Ron does the midnight show and that always, that kind of changes. It's sometimes the lyric and sometimes the allusion, but no, I'm sorry, it's not Ron. His name is Matt, Matt Payton, I think. Okay.

Yeah, great. But anyway, that's the 23rd. All right, Laura, thank you so much for being on. Thank you, thank you, thank you. One of my favorite people. I love. Okay. Yeah, great. But anyway, that's the 23rd. All right, Laura, thank you so much for being on. Thank you. Thank you. One of my favorite people. I love you, too. I'm so glad I got here. All right. Thank you. I just said thank you. you