Fitzdog Radio - Laurie Kilmartin & Dana Gould - Episode 1041

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

Episode 1041. Happy Valentines Day! The Irish mafia discuss having long writing and standup careers, children and Bobcat Goldthwait does a special call-in.  Follow today's guests on Instagram: Laurie Kilmartin @AnyLaurie16 Dana Gould @danagould

Hello, soldiers. Soldiers. Couldn't even say it with a straight face. You know, as a podcaster, you try to think of a little name for your listeners. I try to call you soldiers. You're not soldiers. You're couch potatoes. You are miscreants. You're ne'er-do-wells. You're grifters. You're charlatans. That's what you are. Hello, my charlatans. Little schemers.

um welcome to the show i hope your mental health is good uh if not we'll get into how you can help that later on but for now let's just say uh it's over well first of all i want to shout out i got some dates coming up we got to sell some tickets in portland the helium comedy club february 22nd through 24th huntington beach the rec room Rec Room, March 1st. This newly announced, Boca Raton, Florida, Misner Park on March 3rd, one night, La Jolla at the Comedy Store, March 8th through the 10th, St. Patrick's Day Show, March 16th, Hollywood Improv, always sells out, get your tickets. Then we're going up to Alaska. North Pole, March 20th. Fairbanks, March 21st through the 23rd.

Side splitters in Tampa to warm up after Alaska on April 4th through 6th. Tickets at FitzDawg.com. Anyway, yeah, the Super Bowl just happened. I'm taping this on Monday, the 12th of February. The Super Bowl was yesterday. It was a fucking snooze fest for the first three quarters. And then I just, someone just told me if he throws off the algorithm, if you curse in the first eight minutes on your podcast.

And now here I have, I've blown it. I've blown it. I'm going to lose out on my $12. So it picked up in the fourth quarter. Obviously, I'm not going to recount the game. By the time you hear this, it's going to be Wednesday. But my daughter won 200 bucks on one of those, you know, the boxes when you bet on the boxes? She didn't know. She just handed somebody $10 for a nebulous bet she wasn't aware of, and then they handed her $200 at the end of the night. So that's pretty sweet. And she celebrated by going on a big shop,

and she's making chicken mole for the family tonight with mole that my son mailed. No, he didn't mail it. He shipped it back with, there was somebody who visited him down in Mexico and that person brought the mole back to LA in their suitcase and then dropped it off at our house. And so we're using that mole sauce and some chicken that she bought and making a chicken mole surprise tonight. It should be very nice. I also won, I won 50 bucks off Mike Gibbons. I took the Chiefs and I was very happy. Look, here's the thing. Tom Brady must be stopped. His records must be

broken. And right now he's got five or six Super Bowls. Well, now Mahomes has three and he's only 28 years old. So he's on track. He could catch this son of a bitch and take a little wind out of his sails. So we're all hoping for that. Taylor Swift fans, people are complaining. Look, Taylor Swift is good for the nfl it's more people that are watching more excitement about the game and football is not good for taylor swift fans they can't handle it

they are uh i was i watched the game at a friend's house just Just a few of us watched it, but there was a certain person there who was female. I'm not saying there can't be great. There was one female fan there that knew everything about the game. Dear friend. There was another one who was so focused on Taylor Swift that it was like, come on. There's a whole scene. There's so much other stuff to be interested in. And then when Travis Kelsey, he bumped into Andy Reid, he was yelling at him, the coach of the Chiefs. He yelled at him

and he bumped him, almost knocked him down actually. And it was like, all right, that shit just happens. It's part of football. Oh my God, he's abusive. Taylor needs to get away from him. Come on. Come on. And then he just put his head down and hit somebody. He's like an animal. Yeah, football doesn't need that. But we'll take the eyeballs because the more people watch, the more revenue there is, and the more we can pay these players because they're simply not making enough money right now. I was thinking about football fans. Will she gain following from the NFL? And so I did a little research and I said, all right, what are some Taylor Swift lyrics and how will they go over with Johnny Sixpack in Milwaukee, who is snowed in, hates his wife, miserable job, all he has is football on Sunday.

And now he sees this, he sees this Taylor Swift and goes, all right, I'll check her out. All right, here's some of the lyrics they might come across. So go on and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy. That's fine. I'll tell mine that you're gay. Whoa. Whoa.

Johnny Six Pack doesn't want somebody spreading that rumor about him because they had a little bit of a breakup. And first of all, how does that sit with the PC fans? I was almost going to say woke, but I hate to throw that word around. Her fans, I mean, I thought they were sensitive to, you know, making gay people sound like the enemy. I don't know. And then, uh, here's another lyric. Well, first of all, all the lyrics seem to be, she's always standing in the rain. Uh, she, she's, she's driving around. It's always the middle of the night. She's arguing or driving around in the middle of the night. And she slams doors a lot. There's a lot of last kisses.

And there's a lot of lights in people's eyes. There's a lot of lights in boys' eyes. One of them is, Corey's eyes are like a jungle. He smiles. It's like the radio. Do you want to mix up your metaphors a little bit more? I mean, there's a thing about Taylor. There are dozens of producers who are amassing lyrics from dozens of writers. And that's what they come up with. They come up with, but I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain. That's it.

I could have given you that. So anyway, I don't think she's getting a bunch of new fans on that. But, um, what't it? Wait, there's another one that was funny. Um, there, there's a fire inside of you that can't help, but shine through. Well, yeah, he's on fire. Uh, there's going to be some shining that if somebody, if somebody bursts into flame, especially if they're imploding with fire, there's going to be some shine, right? You know where? Through their eyes, through the eye sockets.

There's going to be a little bit of it. And that's for you, Taylor. She's 5'11". How about that? Anyway, enough. Enough, Taylor Swift. I don't need to move on. And then I'm watching the advertising on the Super

Bowl. And I swear to God, if you're a celebrity and you were not asked to do a Super Bowl ad, you had to feel a little bit left out because they kind of tapped everybody from pro wrestlers to pop stars to sitcom stars. Like everybody had a commercial. And these celebrities, they look like such whores doing these ads. Anyway, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp is a great product that I have promoted for years on this podcast. And I got to say, money is where my mouth is. I have spoken to a BetterHelp therapist for a long time,

and I got a lot out of it. And she was amazing. And BetterHelp is online therapy that is more affordable than in-person, more convenient. Do it from your home. Sit in your car, for God's sakes. Sit in a friend's house and let him hear all your dirty secrets. It doesn't matter. You can pick a therapist based on a questionnaire you fill out and they match you with somebody who's perfect. If you don't like them, you switch it up. No harm, no foul. But right now, I'm very proud of my marriage. It's something I've worked hard on. I worked on myself. You can't work on the relationship.

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I think I'm supposed to say that at the beginning, but I'm saying it now. It is sponsored by BetterHelp. Become your own soulmate. Whether you're looking for one or not, visit betterhelp.com slash FitzDawg today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L- help.com slash fitz dog also support fitz dog radio comes from game time oh game time you got me lined up i'm looking at rolling stones tickets uh in la they have been coming down believe it or not and that's the beauty of game time you can watch

tickets go up they go down there's last minute. A lot of people freak out because, you know, you think you missed the window and you think that prices are only going to go up. Not the case. Usher is now $146. It was more than that, I think, before he did the Super Bowl and sweated like he was having a nervous breakdown. That was weird. Who else? The American Rodeo is coming on the 8th. That's going to cost you $380 to go to the rodeo. Figure that one out. Trevor Noah, you can go see him for 63 bucks. Anyway, it shows you what's going on in your area, whether you're talking about theater, sports, music, comedy. Go find out what's going on and get yourself a couple of seats. Check out the seats from the app. The app is amazing. A couple of taps and you can check out what the

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Yeah, baby. My mom, I called my mom today to see how her Super Bowl went. She's a big football fan and she loved the game. She was very excited about it. I think she plays a lot of crossword puzzles while she's watching, so she didn't know everything. But she told me a funny story about, she's 82 and she's slowing down a bit. She had heart surgery a couple of years ago and she's slowed down quite a bit. So she drives and we're not happy about her driving. I think she's at the point where she should be getting driven.

And so, you know, she got her, she puts her car seat up, literally the most forward click you can move your seat. So she's up against the steering wheel. You can't see her head. If you're driving behind her, it looks like nobody's driving the car. You think it's one of those self-driving cars. And so she gets pulled over by a Florida cop, watch out. And he noticed that her registration sticker was not on her license plate. So long story, but she had been pulled over a while back for the same thing. And sometimes I can't follow the whole story, but apparently she got the sticker, hadn't put it on.

There was somebody new at the DMV. She had to get a whole new license plate because her registration had expired. Look, I don't know. But she had to get a new license plate. And she was so upset because the old license plate had some initials in it that she could remember because they had some significance.

And so the new license plate was 3-2-C something. And my mother goes, oh, well, that's fantastic because my bra size is 32C. Vomit, please don't tell me that, Mom. And so she puts on the new plates and then gets pulled over again. And now this guy says that she has an outstanding ticket because the last time she went in,

it was the person's first day and I guess they forgot to rectify it in the computer. So now she's pulled over. Two other cars. Now three cop cars with their lights on are surrounding my mother, make her get out of the car. They fucking impound the car

and he said, the only reason I'm not arresting you is that you just told me you were not aware there was an outstanding ticket he was gonna fucking throw my mom in jail these florida fucking cops jesus so anyway a friend picked her up and she spent the whole week in court like i don't know a couple days at the courthouse, straightening it all out. And now she's back driving. So watch out. If you're living in the Jupiter area of Florida, just be aware.

Check your mirrors a lot. Pat Fitzsimmons is coming through hard. I'm on Ozempic now. I don't need it, but I don't want to be left out. Like everybody I talk to is on it. So no, I'm not on it, but I guess it's hard to get now. I don't need to lose my belly. I've got a belly. I'm at that age. Irish guys, here's what happens to Irish guys. Our hair falls out we get uh alligator skin on our necks and then our legs become toothpick thin our bellies jut out and that's the look did i know did i mention our ears get bigger

yeah look at my ear look at the lobe on this ear so i'm getting less and less attractive think that that's why I spent so much energy on my marriage because if it ends, I ain't getting nobody else. This is it. I'm locking and loading. We did so much fun stuff this week. Took a walk with Annie Letterman and her boyfriend, Todd, who I love. We walked all over Venice Venice Beach I'm always showing her she calls me her Venice Sherpa because I've been here for so many years and I show her things she didn't know about Venice and

you know and there's a lot of homeless and all that but who cares grow up be a be a fucking man to homeless people are you scared I'm not bothering anybody um yeah Tell homeless people, are you scared? I'm not bothering anybody.

Yeah. And I saw Annie at the comedy store. And it's so funny because we were hanging out in the green room for a long time because the show was running an hour late. So like all the comics were backed up in the green room waiting to go on. And it's so funny because every time somebody would go on, the remaining comedians would talk about them while they're on stage. Not necessarily shit talking, sometimes shit talking, but mostly just talking about them, you know? And I thought to myself,

next time I come in this green room, I'm fucking hiding a tape recorder. I'm going to leave a bag behind with a tape recorder and find out what are the comics really saying about me? Who knows? Speaking of my wife, support for Fitz Dog Radio comes from Joy Mode. I think I speak for most men when I say we want to have better sex. And for the sake of our partner, we may need to have better sex. These over-the-counter erection pills, that's not what you want. Unregulated chemicals and unsafe doses. Don't get into that stuff. That's why we partnered with

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She's been nominated for Emmys. She was on every year that Conan was on TBS. 11 years she was a writer on that show. She's performed on that show. She's done stand up on Corden, on Comedy Central. She was in the final 10 of Last Comic Standing. She's on Marin all on Corden, on Comedy Central. She was in the final 10 of Last Comic Standing. She's on Marin all the time, Marc Marin's podcast. She's written a few books that did well. And she's got a new special, which we talked about called Cis Woke Grief Slut.

You can check it out. You should check it out. She's very funny, and I'm crazy about her. Here is my good friend, Laurie Kilmartin. Welcome to FitzDog Radio. I'm your guest, Greg Fitzsimmons. Hey now! Oh boy. Today we got two guests, not just one, both Bay Area comics at one point in their careers, both dear friends of mine, both Irish, and it is Valentineine's day this is airing on valentine's day okay did you guys get me anything i'm haven't gotten anybody anything but that'll be a different

story in four hours guess for your um i'm getting you ticket sales for your upcoming shows how about that all right i'll take it that's worth something thank you greg so if you're hearing this on valentine's day in the los angeles area might i suggest you take your beloved to largo to see a live staged reading of the romance classic i married a monster from outer space no starring among many others you're maria bamford you're bobcat goldthwait, your Gary Anthony Williams, your Jonah Ray, your Janet Varney, your Daniel Gould. Whoa.

Yeah. And what does a guy like you walk away with in his pocket after a show like that? I usually lose a little bit. You owe Flanny a little bit. A little bit just did uh hanging with dr z which is this other dumb thing i do where i dress up like dr zayas from planet of the apes and do them as a lounge seen it many times very funny did a live show at dynasty typewriter and we sold it out and we sold it out. And we sold about $800 in merch. And after I paid everybody, I was $900 in the hole. What?

I'm not lying. I remember going to Sketch Fest in San Francisco one year. And you came up. And I think you told me you flew yourself up. You bought an entire costume. Rented. Oh, you rented. That's right. You rented an entire costume. Was it you you rented an entire twain tonight yeah that's what it was that's a very funny that is the origin of the character um was uh years ago years ago when i was a writer on the ben stiller show we wrote a sketch

planet of the apes the musical and it didn't get made. And then it ended up on The Simpsons, but that had nothing to do with what we wrote. They came up with that idea on their own, and it was much funnier than mine. But one of the things was then Dr. Zayas performing Mark Twain tonight. And long story short, I ended up doing that live 22 years years later at SketchFest because I had access to the makeup and I thought it would be fun to do. And it was great. I really enjoyed it. But yeah, it was out of pocket. Yeah.

Just for the love of the game. And I just wanted to hear. I knew when I walked out, there would be a big laugh, you know, because it's just natural. there would be a big laugh you know because it's just natural and then when they realized that it wasn't a mask that it was the actual like that i could talk and move my face into it that there would be another laugh right and i wanted to see if i was correct yeah yeah and and i was but the the weirdest thing about that day was Paul F. Tompkins was there. Yeah. And Paul's a friend of mine, as he is of all of yours.

His father had passed, and I had not seen him since his father had passed. And he comes up, and I'm in Dr. Seuss makeup in a Mark Twain suit. Dr. Zaius makeup in a Mark Twain suit Paul this is not the best time to say this but I'm so sorry about your father and he burst out laughing

that's actually my favorite moment I'm sure that's the best condolences he got the whole time because sometimes you forget and I do it all the time now because we have a YouTube show and stuff and my daughter will come out of her bedroom and I'll like be in the house and like $3,000 worth of makeup

nothing I want to know if you could drive me to Karina's house but forget it so let's talk about Valentine's Day for a moment you do you have a date for Valentine's Day I'm at Flappers tonight on Valentine's Day I'm in love with the comedy club? I'm at Flappers tonight on Valentine's Day.

I'm in love with a comedy club, and his name is Flappers. Oh. Guys, I just want you to know I have accepted my position in today's podcast. I am on with two Irish Boston comics who are longtime friends. We're going to step back. Oh, no, no, no. I'm done talking. I'm done talking.

No, I've accepted my subordinate position, and I just want to let you know, don't feel guilty. I would say exactly the opposite, because I am so excited about your new special that just came out. Nice. I know it's got the word woke and slut and grief. It's called Cis Woke Grief Slut. Right. Nice. I know it's got the word woke and slut and grief. It's called Cis Woke Grief Slut. Right.

Yes. Right. You didn't go with Decimated? No. That's the sequel. Humor Fist. Humor Fist. What would Dane Cook call it?

Crunch Gravel. Yeah. Coffin King. That's so weird. what would Dane Cook call it? Crunch gravel. Yeah. Coffin king. So this you shot and it just came out this past month. Yeah, it came out two weeks ago and I shot it April of last year. It was part of the Comedy Dynamics

like multi-shoots at the El Pertal. Yeah, I did one of the specials with them. So Brian Volk-Weiss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's great. Yeah, and they shoot it out everywhere. dynamics like multi-shoots at the yeah i did one of the specials with them so brian volk weiss yeah yeah yeah he's great yeah and they shoot it out everywhere so right yeah so i saw one of the clips online i think you posted it last week and it was you talking about trans women being important to the women's movement to cis women women, yeah. To cis women. Yes, like they're our greatest allies. Right. Yes, because they are soldiers

in the war against the patriarchy, fresh soldiers. They are excited to be women. And you know who isn't excited to be a woman? This old cis bitch. I'm done with it. So I welcome their enthusiasm, their attitude.

We eat it. And I think because they've lived in both worlds, a lot of them know stuff we cis women don't know. Right. Like how much we're supposed to get paid. That's secret infantile. Good point. Good point.

They've been on the other side. Yes. They have intel. And that's why I think a lot of guys don't want trans women in the women's bathroom because they are afraid that trans women are going to show us their old pay stubs just secretly beneath whip it out yes it does that's amazing yeah that's a great premise thank you um so stuff like that's all over it yeah but if you were how do you feel about the fact that if you if if you were if you took the camille palia route and you said it was paglia paglia could

be you're probably right but if you if you went against trans women if you were a trans exclusionary radical feminist and you and you ragged on trans women right that you would then get canceled could you then handle having that much bigger of an audience you know could you could you handle as a comedian who has been canceled moving to stadiums or are you afraid that that crowd would be too big right to do comedy my. I like to keep my audience as minimal as possible. That's the new promo. This guy was canceled three years ago. He lost everything.

Now he has all of everything. Now I just play craters. On the moon. But Camille Pag, isn't she the one like back in the 90s that said women should take blame for their own rapes more? I don't know that she may have gone that far.

She was like an art historian and she loved Madonna. And she sort of gave some intellectual heft to Madonna that no one else was doing at the time. So she was kind of exciting that way. In the same time frame as Naomi Wolf, who since has gone completely batshit right wrote the beauty myth and kind of was like hey think of things differently this way and so a lot of women my age during that time were like what the hell it was just a lot of new thinking we hadn't been exposed to in our catholic schools and all that she was right she was a very well educated intellectual thinker yeah who only and ever spoke to non-educated non-intellectuals

interesting right right that would be me it was dumb enough for me to go that's cool they know they don't they never lift up yeah they only drill down yeah yeah yeah but she was like wasn't she famously uh like taught by howard bloom or some some some crazy intellectual at the time that i didn't really delve into too much but i knew certain circles respected yeah that's howard bloom that was that same time where yeah those those kind of intellect that's what it was sexual person intellectuals that could appeal to people that didn't i mean howard z Howard Zinn is actually a better example of that, of taking big ideas and making them digestible.

Little chapters, yeah. Yeah. So we all, did we all go to Catholic schools? I didn't go to a Catholic school. I did. Oh, you did? Mm-hmm. Till what grade?

I went just high school. I was normal until after eighth grade, and then I went into a uniform and a girls' school. All girls. All girls. Across the street from an all-boys' school called De La Salle. They're like a national football heavyweight. Nice. So you were like Taylor, and you found your Kelsey over there?

I mean, no. But I mean, certain girls did. Those girls did exist. That sounds like the plot of a movie that's 18 minutes long. And you only watched the first five. You know, there's this website. I love movies. Yeah.

I love movies. And there's this website. You must be excited about the new Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes. I'm very excited about it. I might be suing them. No, I'm kidding it's it's great but i like as a movie fan i was on uh this website last night called porn hub i watched i watched 23 movies last night no yes and how much time so 48 minutes did i watch a movie last night yeah i watched 11 movies the best is the movie reviewers

underneath the guys that somehow are not so filled with shame at the end of the experience that they want to get on and post about it that amazes me that's just a lot of that's just a lot of isolation the only thing i want to do at the end of that movie is just apologize to somebody. I mean, are you allowed to star movies on Pornhub? Like five? Oh, I don't know. I doubt it would be a star. I'm sure it would be some kind of an emoji of some sort.

Yeah, some cylindrical emoji. Some eggplants. There's this one girl who got, did you know about this girl on the internet? She's probably like 19, the most fresh-faced Iowan who, she just says- She's gonna make me sad.

She just says really sweet things like, you know, I just really want to help people, so I go to Starbucks and I make sure that the creamers are filled. Like something really innocuous. And then the comments are like, why don't you squat down on my job? And there's thousands of them. And somehow they just decided to pile on this pork.

Hell is in the comments. I was, you know, hanging. I checked the other day. Some podcast just alerted their listeners oh my god hanging with hanging with dr z is a 15 minute weekly youtube talk show hosted by an orangutan where he interviews it's it's a goofy talk show sketch yeah sketch we do this week's episode i interviewed jason alexander no yeah be a graduate we yeah we have celebrities and stuff it's 15 minutes in the comments one guy goes this isn't even a parody anymore it's just become another talk show

i'm in an ape mask. I'm in $3,000 worth of ape makeup. Dana, do you have stand-ups on your show? Like, would you have like a five-minute? No, I mean, if it ever becomes a real show, which I would love, so it won't, we might. Right now, it's 15 minutes long. We have an opening.

It comes out as an opening monologue. The set looks like the Mike Douglas show from 1976. Oh, that's awesome. I'll show it to you after. He does a monologue. I have a band leader. Paul Greenberg is the band leader. And then I come out.

I have a guest. We have commercials for fake products. And then we have a guest, and then we go out. And you're doing that every week? We do six to eight episodes a season, and then we... Why we have a guest and then we go out so and you're doing that every week we do six to eight episodes a season and then we uh why only 15 minutes you get jason alexander and after 15 minutes you're like that's it what's youtube and uh we i'd rather have people want to see more of it we just kind of bang bang bang bang you know i think it could be longer but wow do you do it at your house like how do you know we No, we have a thing like this.

No, he needs to spend as much money as possible on it. How much does the makeup really cost? $2,500. No, it doesn't. Every time you do an episode. Every time I put it on. I didn't even offer you guys coffee. Did you?

Do you do like all eight in a day? No, it usually takes three days. And so it's an evergreen mono, correct? It's not too topical? Yes, it is. Those are actually hard to write. They are. Mike Rowe.

We have writers. Mike Rowe. Mike Rowe helps us. I want to get all the writers. Mike Rowe, Blanket Patch, Ken Daly, Aaron Lee. Damn. Tammy Golden. Whoa.

Yeah. I only listen for female contributors. Well, you should. Tammy, finally. Yes. She's great. I work with Tammy twice. Whoa. Yeah. I only listen for female contributors. Well, you should. Tammy, finally. Yes. She's great. I work with Tammy twice. Tammy's great.

I'm just going to show you this. You can edit it, I'm assuming. And what do these writers get paid? A pittance. I mean, I'm the only one. Is there health insurance? It's nothing. Okay.

It's not even. We're not in Mint. It doesn't even contribute points. All I want is health insurance points. I know. we are oh that looks amazing that's great okay all right we're gonna put a clip of that up on the on the in post no you should just show video of his phone what happened was it was during the i'd done i'd done the character and it was during the pandemic and rob cohen who who directs them, a very good friend of mine said, what could we do? Because we were bored.

Pandemic. That would cost us a fortune, but put us at risk of being sued by Disney. So it took a while. Most things are one or the other. Yeah. So we've a while. Most things are one or the other. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we've all also.

This is also a part of my goal. Unlike Lori, who's with her new canceled persona is going to be selling out. You know, she's putting the kill and kill Martin. Yeah. As Bill Hicks said about Carrot Top, they're dredging Lake Erie to put in bleacher seats. I'm trying to get the smallest possible audience I can. I'm going in the other direction. I'm chasing my audience away with a stick.

So we're all writers. We've all written out to you. We've all been nominated for an Emmy. Some of us won an Emmy. Or two. Or three. Oh yeah, of course. Or three.

Four over here. Who's counting? Four. Four? For daytime. So that equals a half of one. I would take four daytimes over one Emmy nomination. Would you really?

Yes. Because you just say Emmy. You don't have to say daytime. And I've got the hardware. It's the same hardware. Was that from Days of Our Lives? Yeah, I was on Days of Our Lives. Only the nighttime Emmy people go, that's daytime.

Nobody else does. Right. And so it just makes them look petty. So I would never, I've never include that adjective. Well, I sent one to my mom because I just knew she would be so proud of me, even though writing for Ellen was the most traumatic experience of my life. So I kind of wanted to get rid of one. Right.

It was a little less vitriol in my house. Because she was so nice? She would, my mom was yeah but um no have you guys ever worked with ellen you must have been at some point right yeah i've never had a i've only worked with her in clubs and she was fine did you sign an nda to work with her no i don't know it sounds like it no no i didn't know sounds like you're kind of pussing out on this one i hear she's the devil in polyester pants. Oh, there we go. Thank you.

What about you? Have you worked with her? Well, you know what? She could make a comeback and she might need a writer. So I actually have not worked with her ever. But yeah, so I only go by these two experiences. Were you allowed to look her in the eye? Did you get the eye contact?

No, when I started, it was very much like we sat in her office which had nice shabby chic couches and and we that was at the beginning of the show at the beginning was amazing it was karen kilgariff karen anderson dani breen and we had so much fun and oh and andre you know andre as well she's from live in Livin? Yes. She's a San Francisco cop. That's a great group. All Bay Area comics. Did she date Matt Weinhold? I don't think so. So we would sit in her office and we'd drink coffee and this is when

it first started because she had been humbled. She was on the road. She had nothing going on in Hollywood so she got this offer to do this show. Well, she'd been homophobic. She'd been homophobic. She had a great show and then everyone figured it out or she came out and then they said no yeah yeah and so i was on that show were you i was on the sitcom wow i was clea lewis's boyfriend huh there oh clea lewis is

really funny yeah what did she play on ellen her friend okay Okay. So, it was fun, and we would riff, and she was great, and I took the job because I really loved Ellen. I loved her stand-up. I went after the job. I put together a writing sample, which I've never done on any writing job I've ever gotten. It's always been, by virtue of being a stand-up, I just got the job. Wow.

This one I went after. Yeah. And then we won an Emmy, and then everything changed really yeah she went dugan full dugan who's dugan mike dugan god rest his soul i was just gonna say just so i didn't know if you knew yeah yeah he was a writer on the dennis miller show the first one the kevin rooney was the head writer right and they won an emmy after they were canceled and then like i bumped into Dugan like 11 years later

on an airplane. I was like, Mike Dugan, how are you? Well, you know, after the Emmy, things got really weird and I had to move out.

I'm not like, I have a baby. I have like a four-year-old and a two-year-old. Like, are we really having this conversation? The only reason I'm here is I'm just nominated.

I actually didn't win, so. Yeah. But so after the, after your show won an Emmy, everything, do you guys know more on the couch? No, it was still there, but it started to get weird with the pushing people away. Okay. Pulling them back in, knocking them out of the circle,

making them grovel their way back in. It was a lot of psycho drama going on. I mean, she must have, the amount of death threats, like, you know, there's no excuse Just among the writing staff. Coming in, she actually got people submitting death packets. And then you do the monologue and then you make a noose. Oh my God. And then you do the monologue and then you make a noose. Oh my God.

But I mean, that's got to alter who you are, that amount of vitriol, right? Coming at you. That's got to be so hard. No, look, I say this about any late night host and you wrote for Conan for all eight years that he was on TBS. Thank you. Was it 11? Yes. Jesus.

2010 to 21. Oh, I'm so sorry. That's okay. You were doing Blow for a couple of years. Yeah, there was a few of those years. You're like, you don't remember those years the way Bowie can't remember 1972. So we all know what it's like to work with a show that is under a lot of pressure to produce a lot of content.

And I give a lot of rope to the people that are in charge of that because they are, not only are they starring in it, overseeing the writing, promote, you're all done. They're getting on with local KTLA in Atlanta to do interviews and it's nonstop.

And constant decision making. Everyone's coming to this person and going and asking questions and needing a yes or no or whatever. And every day you walk into a building where everyone's goal in that building is to make you happy. It is very hard to not become. You have to be so grounded to not let that warp your sense of reality. Yes. And it's the people that can keep, you got to keep your originals around you if you can.

Those are the people that stay sane. Like Jimmy Kimmel, he's got his cousin Sal, he's got all these people. Jimmy and Conan are both the same people they always were. Right. Yeah. Yep.

And Conan is, his talk show now is, I almost feel like I've never seen him be himself so much. That is who he is all the time. Yeah. Like, yeah, that,

the, when I listen, it's hard to listen because sometimes I just wish the show was like, I miss him. I miss hanging out, you know, but then I'll go on binges and it, it sounds exactly how he was

on the monologue meetings. Just ball busty, funny and relaxed. Right, right. Is it true? I've heard this rumor. I know it's true that Kimmel and Conan don't touch Jay's Tonight Show money. They're both very principled about that.

Nobody, yeah. And it's really weird because that money is in a pile in his living room just a loose pile and it's so tempting to just touch it but no one touches it for people that don't get the joke jay leno don't explain it no it's not part of my job if you don't people should we put a red rope around this table so only the VIPs get in Jay Leno famously only used his Tonight Show money and didn't use his stand up

money is that what it was? he says I don't know if he's told it I don't touch my Tonight Show money well that seems kind of rare I only buy deodorant online okay alright Well, that seems kind of rare. You know, I only buy deodorant online. Okay.

All right. I only buy fire trucks with money I got at a corporate date in Hershey, Pennsylvania. All right. I literally was driving through Malibu on one of those canyon roads and a fucking fire truck came by. And I was like, why is an old 1950s fire truck driver? Hey, Greg. It's Jay Love. Wait, he recognized you?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I know Jay. Oh, my God. Sure. That's so funny. He used to do those remote segments on the show. Oh, right. Yeah.

Big tuft of white hair and a denim shirt. Oh, yeah. And he's veryft of white hair and a denim shirt. Oh, yeah. And he's very recognizable. He's all over Burbank. I will say this. I will say this about Jay. He loves what he loves unapologetically. Yes.

You know? Yep. God bless him. Yep. I just saw him do like an hour at Flappers. I'm sure it was fantastic. Not to mention my boyfriend again. About three or four months ago. I'm sure it was amazing. A solid hour. I'm sure it was fantastic mention my boyfriend again uh about three or four months

ago i'm sure it was solid hour i'm sure it was like a snare drum tight yeah yeah and killed crowd loved him full house and he's 71 and had just uh you know was recently back from a terrible burn so yeah that guy's that guy's a machine yeah he's a machine you talking about the burn i gave him about driving through the canyons um no the uh the other thing about him is when he left flappers that night yeah he had a check in his hand he he does he takes he takes the uh door oh but he doesn't touch but he doesn't touch it he doesn't touch it he puts the flappers money in a little pile and that guards the tonight show money how many bank accounts this guy ever set up a chess board the flappers money are like

the pawns and they go on the outside rim of the tonight show money oh i can hear the call now um all right so let's talk about um I do these things called Fastballs with Fitz, so why don't we each do it? Okay. And they're questions that every guest get asked these questions. Okay. Is this a new segment?

Yep. Okay. Because I listen to you a lot, like I'll go in Fitz binges, but I haven't heard this segment. Oh, that's so nice to hear. I love catching up with you. You know, here's the thing about you

that I absolutely love is that you're a funny Irish Catholic. Can I say broad? Yeah, please. You're an Irish Catholic broad. You remind me of my dear friend, Mary Fitzgerald, who I know you wrote with on Tough Crowd with Colleen Quinn. I love Mary. She's so funny. She's one of my dearest friends.

Mary grew up in Dorchester in a very tough neighborhood. Father was in the mob. Sure. In jail most of her life. And she- Her dad knew Whitey Bulger. He worked for Whitey Bulger. Yes. He was a bookie.

Yeah. Her life is a movie and it needs to be made. She needs to write it. She's a writer. There's a boss you don't want yelling at you. What? There's a what? There's a boss you don't want yelling at you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. He doesn't touch his murder money. Talk about that. There's a boss you don't want yelling at. Yeah, right, right. He doesn't touch his murder money. Talk about that. I think you need someone else to write your life.

When it's like that, tied to so many historical figures. Maybe, yeah. You can't, she needs to work with somebody that can give it context, I think. Right. How can you have that on your own life? Are you pitching yourself for a job right now? Yeah, Mayor.

Call me. So what I like about you is that I am like, sometimes I consider myself like, it's contextual. I say jokes that are misogynist or homophobic, but people get it. They get that I'm an old white guy who's fucking around. And it's ironic. It's ironic. Yeah. But you get it. I get that I'm an old white guy who's fucking around. And it's ironic. It's ironic.

Yeah. But you get it. I like that you get it, but you're also one of the strongest feminist voices in comedy. If not the strongest. I don't think I am. No, you are. You're very, I think you're very like. That's also funny.

Well, should I lead with that? That you're hilarious, but that you're also. So I like that you get me because sometimes I worry that some people don't. Well, a comedian's job is to offend. And if you make people laugh, you're not doing your job. Otherwise you can't play the creator. Yeah, you can't play the creator.

I'm going to be performing at the Coliseum because I'm going to be murdering people live on stage. Do you think like offensive comics get a laugh accidentally and they're like startled by the noise? What happened? What was that? Was that a callback fire? I was just voicing my thoughts, my inner thoughts.

But I do love the comedian's job is to offend. No. What? It's in the name. Comedian. It's in the name. Comedian. It's the word. They're taking the stand up and walk out part way too seriously. What you mean to say is you're a comedian, but all you know how to do is offend.

That I understand. You can't do the thing that is in your job description. Have you ever done a bit that you later looked back on and said, wow, that was offensive and I shouldn't have done it. Oh, yeah. Hours.

What's one you can think of? I'm not going to tell you. I get murdered. That's the clip I want to use as a promo for the podcast. Aren't you relieved that there was a decade where there was no no one was filming or it was like all vhs tapes that only you have and you didn't put it out immediately you know what i mean like i feel like some younger comics i i see some stuff and i'm like you in 10 years you might not wish this was out yeah you know yeah Like open micers selling their album after the set.

Like a DVD says, this is your fourth set. Yeah. I know. I used to know people who would sell like cassette recordings. Like they personally recorded, you know, and made duplicates off like a cassette recorder and sold them after the show. Right. Wow. I did a thing once.

I had this idea when CDs were the medium. Yeah. Media. I did a thing once. I had this idea when CDs were the medium, media, and I would record my shows. This was the idea. I know this idea. And then I would burn the CDs and mail them to you. So I couldn't figure out how- You would take a photo with the person, and then that would be the photo on the DVD.

Oh my, so you need a color printer as well, right? No, no. Well, what I did was I said, all right, everybody, we're going to be the photo on the DVD. Oh my God. So you need a color printer as well, right? No, no. Well, what I did was I said, all right, everybody, we're going to take the photo and I'm going to record the show. And then I have these little manila envelopes. You're going to give me $20 and then you're going to write your address on it. And then I'm going to mail you the CD with our photo burned on it. And for some reason, you did not do this in eight makeup which is the only

way to make it more complicated so i put the i put all the envelopes in the in my suitcase and then the suitcase got all shifted around i don't know which was the friday night late show which was a saturday early show and i tried to figure it out for weeks and then i just walked away i just threw them all out and i never was booked back at the columbus funny bone again there was so many complaints people calling the club going hey what the fuck what is going on why would he rip us off like that was the plan what a low rent crime too. You went to such an amazing,

you went to such an amazing length to steal $20 from somebody. From the top club of one of the biggest chains in the country. Who puts 30 in the club? You could go to a fake charity and make so much more. Oh, so that is my life story. As you know from showing up here

where I double booked both of you and then we scrambled to set up the equipment i'm good at the original idea the follow-through is is weak did it do that too though mitchie recorded and then sent people uh but i guess he burned them at the club and you walked out with the cd he had like 12 burners backstage and then he basically his line was so long that by the time they would start cranking them out it only took a minute to burn a cd right right so he had it just staff doing there was no photos but i think the photo a lot of comics also on the urban circuit the big thing is to just get a photo for 20 bucks after the show and and so i think he did both he did the cd and the burn photos genius he was a genius he worked

his ass off i feel bad about how hard that guy went down i mean stealing a joke is i just horrible but yeah yeah i mean he but he also stole from a lot of uh latino comics that had nothing else going on oh is that right yeah he didn't yeah so he took what little like little bread and butter that they had oh i thought it was just the bill cosby joke i didn't know he stole from from lesser known latino comics it really sucked yeah yeah well then yeah he should be over then i mean he's not over look the guy probably still goes out and makes 10 grand a weekend. Completely. Yeah.

Yeah, he's good. People don't, outside of comedy, and I have the same opinion as you guys about material as sacrosanct, it's like stealing songs. Like, no, this is my livelihood. Right. But I remember years ago, years ago, I'm back in my hometown and I bump into like an old English teacher of mine like at the shaw's at the grocery store like mr star how are you and and um she goes your brother

told me you know robin williams i go yeah i do and and she goes i was somebody i was watching somebody and somehow it came up that he like stole material or something and and she goes, I was watching somebody and somehow it came up that he stole material or something. And she goes, but he does it so funny when he does it. People don't care. I remember when he died, I was literally walking into my booth to do my SiriusXM show. And my producer goes, Robin Williams just died. And first I walked in and I started the And my producer goes, Robin Williams just died. And the first, I walked in and I started the show

and I go, Robin Williams just died. I was like, that guy was a thief. It's so weird. That was my first takeaway. What? Yeah. And what happened to your Sirius XM show? It was on for 10 years.

And then what's great about it is I would have guests like yourselves on. And then afterwards we would do another hour, which became the podcast. on for 10 years and then what's great about it is i would have guests like yourselves on and then afterwards we would do another hour which became the podcast so i would never have started a podcast this is 14 years ago yeah if i hadn't been doing the serious xm show it was on howard stern's channel i will say this about yeah i will say i have to say this about robin though robin did steal a shit ton of material uh when he was in la under a great pressure to produce material and was doing a lot of drugs yeah and he did make a very very concerted effort later in life when he

straightened up moved back to the bay area got clean married marcia like he really he would slip but he would really police himself hard and i remember once at comedy day he like came up to me and said i somebody told me i'm doing a bit like yours and it was this is nonsense i was like no it's fine it's just that so you know he he definitely was aware of it was tempted to do it but he wasn't amoral about it like he he did have a he did have a uh a sticky memory a sticky memory yeah and he would do stuff but he also wasn't like yeah fuck you right he wasn't like that do you think if there's i mean people and he was he was the i have to say it's the nicest human being no and his manager was famous for if you came to him about it he'd write a check immediately a lot

of people don't want to check they want their job right yeah but i've just seen him do so many incredibly kind things yeah is there because i always heard i only met him one time but i always heard that like he didn't know he was lifting like which would actually be horrifying i'd rather i think that what i think like it like he would just overhear things and they go in his brain and if he didn't know if he wrote it or not which to me is hell right yeah we were doing a show in mill valley an outdoor show at this part of this comedy thing in mill valley and it was during the day outside in a park in mill valley and it was me robin and rick overton and we're just standing there waiting to go on. And I say to Rick Overton,

this is the only time in my life I'm worried not so much about getting heckled but being interrupted by a drum circle. We all laugh. Robin goes up and opens with it. Oh, that's annoying. But there's no way because he's going to walk off stage and look me

right in the eye. I'm his friend. I've had lunch at his house. Yeah. He wasn't aware of it. Yeah. I will go to my grave knowing he wasn't aware of it. That literally just happened to me.

I won't say the comic, but we were backstage and it was that outdoor show. We were just talking about it. That outdoor show. Yeah, Supernova. Supernova. And so we're sitting there and I don't know if you remember, did you ever do Supernova? I did. It was like in an alley behind a nightclub during COVID.

It was outdoors. It was an outdoor show. But in the round. And it was actually so good on every level. Also known as Thunderdome. No, no, no. Lori, it was unbelievable. It was a really good show.

It was so great. Yeah. But you could never relax. No, you couldn't relax because they were looking at my flat ass yeah no you're always in the round you're always and so the other crazy thing was there were live crickets that were living in the alley and so i said to the comic backstage i go it's so weird because if your joke bombs like you literally hear crickets and so we're laughing about it and then she goes on stage

it fucking opens with it I need the name after the show okay that there's actually there were crickets living in the Velveeta room as well oh really yeah yeah yeah it was fun there was also what was the comic book shop that used to do the Nerdist Meltdown

Meltdown used to have a cricket in there as well yeah I think it's a great idea as a club producer. If I had a club, I would have a little cricket farm in the back. I would order them wherever you order your crickets. My old roommate, Ed Dreskell, used to say,

you could hear a cricket clearing its throat but trying to be quiet about it. Zach had a joke. My show went so bad, there was a cricket riding a tumbleweed across the stage. All right, so I'm going to ask you guys fastballs with fits. Okay. Have you ever, now I should ask you first

because you were a competitive swimmer okay have you ever saved somebody's life oh my sister really we were at a party like a do you remember grown-ups parties in the 70s naturally a lot of drinking yes tons of drinking and uh my sister there was we were at a house with a pool and there, back then there were no pool safety. No one thought about it, right? Right. No one knew anyone drowned.

I don't, I have no idea, but they were just like, kids were wandering around the pool, no grownups. Yeah. With toasters. Yeah.

Meanwhile, this was before the internet, before they could get access to the fact that it was the number one killer of children in America. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my sister was being watched by somebody who ended up having mental problems later on.

But we didn't know it at the time. It was like a young teenage woman. And I just saw my sister like under. Oh, gosh. And I must have been five or six. I don't have many memories of this. But I remember going, wow, that's not good.

And I went and grabbed her and got her out. Wow. How old was she? She must've been one or two. I don't know. Like I, maybe if there's videotape, maybe I didn't save her.

And I didn't think of it until way, way later. But I remember just going, I need to get Eileen. If that's the, and from the water because the girl that was watching her wasn't and then now i think my god if my sister had drowned my fan my oh my parents would have destroyed yeah and that is completely yeah as a former lifeguard

that is the creepy thing is that when people drown you don't hear oh yeah right right yeah because they're underwater yeah right right so do you ever remind her of that does that come up no but i you know what i will i just now that i've just i remember it every so often like i get the chills thinking what what would have happened obviously she wouldn't be there but just to my parents i can't think of a more devastating thing to happen to a family at At your best friend's house? Yeah. Well, because it's avoidable.

That's why. The guilt that you would have. Right. It's one thing if your kid gets a disease and dies. Whatever. You shake it off. But when you were responsible. Right.

I know. And it happens so quickly with drowning. Yeah. It can happen even if parents aren't hammered, but they were all hammered back then. Yeah. They always hear things like that's the best way to die. Like you don't, whatever, it's the best way to die.

How do you know? Who reported on that story? That's a weird. I can think of plenty of better ways to die. Yeah. It feels like it's like there's hospice nurses that are like secretly watching and not helping as much.

It's just like, does this hurt? Oh, that was a bad one. Don't do that again. Yeah. If you had to die, well, you have to die. We all have to die. It's on our list. It's the last thing on our list.

How would you do it? How would you want to die? Not by your own hand, by the forces of Jesus Christ. When Jesus murders you, how would you like him to do it? I always told my mom that it was my hope

for her, my dream, was that she die of a heart attack in her sleep in the bed and that i find her corpse the next morning um so i guess i would want that for myself too heart attack in bed sleep yeah that's good i was like norm mcdonald's bit about how his father had a heart attack and uh and he was he was uh fell out of bed and was laying there and the paramedics saw him and they said, he's in a better place. He's like, no, I think the bed. Have you ever saved a life? No, but I've had my life saved.

Really? A couple of years ago. Was it a DJ? For the first time. Was that a DJ? For the first time. Was that a near murder on the dance floor? I can't top that. This is a better story now. No, Bobcat Goldthwait and I were being driven to a gig.

It was a very close, it was like three blocks away. We were doing a show together. And I went to get into the front seat of the car and the drivers had a little bulldog sitting in the front seat and uh and i saw the dog and i went oh i'll just sit in the back and and they went no no no i said no it's fine i'll just just i don't care i'll sit in the back so i sit in the back back and, we got T boned by a guy going over 55 miles an hour. And had I sat in that front seat, I would,

if not have been killed, I would, I would be completely, my bones would have just been powdered. And, uh, as it is, we got hurt,

uh, broke a rib, Bob got a concussion, broke a couple of ribs. Um, and, uh, and the dog was fine because the dog just it was a bulldog just got thrown out of the floor of the car it actually looked better after yeah it was actually it actually pushed his face out and we found out

that it was a dopamine you could breathe breathe easier his nose elongated but uh yeah i absolutely would have been severely messed up. Who books that? I can hook, yeah. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah. So was this after the show or before the show? Before the show.

So there was no show? No, not only was there no show, the people who came to the car were the people in line to see the show because it was right, we were pulling into the club, and there was a line, and I thought I was going to be dead for a couple of minutes because I couldn't breathe. And I just thought, I didn't have very high-minded thoughts

in what I thought was my last moments. I literally thought, I had the cognitive thought, I'm going to die looking at the roof of a car. And then my lung re-expanded. But some poor fan witnessed that. Yeah. I'm not looking my best. So you were trying to breathe and you felt like your lungs had just shut down.

Yeah, the wind knocked out of me. I mean, that's not unusual. Because we, because we were only going three blocks, we're in the back seat, not seat belted in, and we broke our ribs on each other. As Bob says, it sounds like a superhero origin story of the comedian that was on The Simpsons and in Police Academy. Oh academy that's great had you been

wearing seat belts would you have had had less injuries oh vastly less injuries probably none at all wow yeah he's here he's in town all right let's call him or as i call him because i'm a personal friend robert cat robert cat but we went he had a concussion and then we had to go to the hotel and we couldn't fly back so we were just kind of like had a dead day in atlanta uh we were filming a documentary like it was a whole baloney thing. What's his number? Can you call him?

Yeah, I can call him right now. Why are we calling him, just so I know? I don't know. Just to verify the story. Verify the story. Sounds a little too good to be true. Okay, but if I call him, how do we hear him? You're going to hold it up, put it on speaker,

and then put it up to your microphone. Okay. I just love that the crowd saw it, so it's not like, oh, these fucking guys. They probably partied too hard last night. It's like, no, we just saw them get T-boned.

We just rescued them. Yeah. Tell us one bit. Voicemail. Voicemail. All right. Smart guy. I did a-

By the way, he's in my, he's in my phone as Robert Goldthwait. So if anybody steals my phone, they'll never think that Bobcat Goldthwait is Robert Goldthwait. So if anybody steals my phone, they'll never think that Bobcat Goldthwait is Robert Goldthwait. There's no way. Do you do that with any celebrity names in your phone? Yeah, I do.

Rename them? Yeah, me too. You do? Yeah. Who did you rename? I think Conan is Theodore Roosevelt. Yeah, yeah. Because he loves David Roosevelt. I have like A. Jolie, B. Pitt, just like people I call a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he loves David Roosevelt. I have like A. Jolie, B. Pitt, just like people I call a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right. The J-man. Yeah. Jesus. Tay-Tay. All right. So that was a good round of fastballs with Fitz. It wasn't that fast.

No. Which is really the key to the game. I don't want it to be fast. How great of a prefix is Fitz for pretty much anything that you want to do. You know what I mean? I think it's actually the downfall of this podcast because Fitz dog is so not really me. It was, it was kind of a thing in college. I hated frat guys so much. I once tried to fight a whole frat. So my friends started calling me Fitz dog just to, just to tease me. And then it just kind of stuck and everybody started calling me fitz dog just to just to tease me and then it just kind

of stuck and everybody started calling me fitz dog and now you talk about brand i don't know anything about branding but this is not branding yeah yeah you know i went out i swam for ucla for a little bit and they started calling me killer because my last name is joe martin but i was like always in getting fourth place it's like guys. I'm not a killer. Please. This is embarrassing. It's a name Katie Ledecky should have and nobody else. Yeah. More like wake swallower.

Oh, sorry. There's no need to get cruel. Fitz dog. Jeez. Hey, Lord, did you get kicked in the head again on that race. Bowie kill Martin. What have you turned down recently? Turned down? I'll start with the straight white man because I know it's less likely he's actually turned anything down.

Yeah, I know. I'm trying to think of what I've turned down. Nothing. Desperate for work. Sometimes I get offered a show. I get offered to run an animated show that I turned down because I just didn't think I watched it. I was like,

I don't know how they think this is good. I don't want to live in this world right as if you if you know what they thought was funny you could help them get there yeah but when it's so nebulous yeah yeah that's good what about you oh this is much more uh uh working class comic i got offered a week at a club um that's kind of a little flaky right historically and i was like that's a lot of money for them they don't usually do that and plus hotel and that was it right no air no a little bit for air yeah not enough for air yeah no one's given enough for air by the way yeah they Right, yeah. Oh, not anymore. They have not been on Expedia for like 10 years. $80 air stipend. No, but it used to be the flat was 500 bucks.

And back in the day, you were pocketing 200. And now it's like, I call my agent. I go, hey, look, the fucking coach is $1,100. It's $1,100. They got to meet me halfway on this. Yeah, it's ridiculous. Paul, will you grab me a tissue? Thank you.

So then I get plane tickets. Now they're on Southwest, so I can move them around. It's no big deal. But then it's like, oh, he's spaced out. He wants to know if you want to do a week in a different month, but nowhere. I'm like, no, no. So for your inconvenience, we're going to charge you more money. What in the name of, yeah.

Yes. He wants to know about the money. He wants to know if you want all of it here you have a little something on the corner here oh that is that thing is like a little cut yeah yeah it is i can't give it a little dab bleeding yeah it was bleeding oh it was yeah i wasn't sure if it was a cut or like a little applique oh my gosh it is bleeding i thought you were doing a cindy crawford thing like like kind of a vampire i had put some makeup on it so it was okay yeah so now so i how long have i been bleeding on this video podcast a couple minutes you're not on camera because it's that's why i didn't do it sooner that's horrifying well next just go like this if it starts spouting again, and I'll delicately tap it.

So now it's like the whole face. Dana's pointing to my crotch. I'm menstruating too? Oh, my goodness. Oh, that feels good. Laura, you're having a baby. You're having a baby. Not pregnant. let's celebrate

here we go put him on speaker Robert I'm on a can I put you on speaker I'm going to ask you first I'm on a podcast with Greg Fitzsimmons and he asked that I call you and ask you a brief question okay Robert hey Bob brief question. Okay.

Robert. Hey, Bob. Is this chance length and related? Take a chance. I was named, I was named after a wild night in the back of a 57 Chevy. Cause that's the way I am.

And it never entered his mind that he could change. I just told, I was This is good camera work by the way, Dana. Bob, just to confirm I don't want to keep you, I know you're busy but when you uh broke your rib uh what did you break your rib on oh on you

it was like we were creating a super villain supervillain. The origin story. Yeah, yeah. One of us has little puny ribs and one of us has super strong ribs. I'm not going to say who has the puny ribs. So it was like a wishbone and one of you got to make a

wish and one didn't. Yeah, yeah. You would think, you know, neither of us are in top physical shape. We should have just bounced. I know.

It really was two potstickers hitting each other in a stir fry pan. Now, did you guys apologize to the line of people waiting to get in

as you got into the ambulance? We, we like to think that they had a show. Yeah. And I don't remember the accident, but I do know that I, because I'm so worried about people seeing my balding pate.

Even like with head trauma, I'm like, where's my hat? Where's my hat? Where's my hat? I don't want it. I've got to have my hat on. But it's true. And I was telling the two thoughts I had when I thought I was dying was, I'm going to die looking at the roof of a car.

And Bob, whose hat had been jostled off him, and he had a big cut on his head because he hit his head. And my other thought was, and this is not a joke, it's the truth bob looks like the tor johnson mask the dawn post halloween tor johnson mask the bald guy with the scar who's that so he's an actor from the 50s that was in plan nine from outer space was a very famous halloween let me just put that red velvet i'm not gonna apologize apologize for George Johnson. I shouldn't be in it. I don't even know what you guys are talking about.

I'll show you the mask after and you'll get it. But I will say this. So that night we had to, the next day we were just stuck in Atlanta. We couldn't go and we couldn't travel and stuff. And Bob and I watched this Bob Dylan documentary on the Rolling Thunder Review that Martin Scorsese made. It's like a two and a half hour documentary. Bob does not remember seeing it. Oh, wow.

Not only do I not remember, I told Dana he should check it out. Months later, he's like, we watched that together. No idea. No idea. You know, coming to is like, do you know what I mean? I was like having all these, you know, because it was, what, four years ago? I'm like, wait, he really is the president. And then you asked to be put back under again.

Yeah. Can you hit me in the head again? again i woke up on morphine and i've been sober for decades and i'm such an addict the first thought was i gotta get more car accidents this is great and we were the only uh the hospital they took us to grady which is not the not the high-end hospital. We were the only non-stab victims in the emergency room. Yeah, very, very, very stabby. They didn't call in a specialist? Yeah, they did.

Where's the brain? Car crash? What's that? You were stabbed by a car? The guy goes, his hand's all taped up. We go, oh, what happened? You were stabbed by a car? The guy goes, his hand's all taped up. We go, oh, what happened? He goes, oh, my girlfriend had a knife, and I put my hand up.

And I go, so she stabbed you? And he goes, oh, yeah, yeah. Like, he was trying to defend her or something. Like, she's not that bad. Yeah, it was also funny though. Go ahead. Go ahead. No, I just, he was, he made this joke. My girlfriend tried to stab me and I blocked it with my hand.

And Bob goes, so she stabbed you. And we laugh. And he was not used to having short, hobbit-like white people laugh at him. And he looked at us for a moment and was trying to process it. And then he laughed and then became our protector. Oh, really? He was your guy?

Every ER needs one. I always say that about prison. Like, if I go into prison, everybody wonders if they can survive in prison. And I always say, well, you know, I'd just be like the class clown guy in there. And I'd make everybody laugh. And, you know, I'd roast the guards. And then the biggest, meanest guy would be like, hey, you. You.

You're funny. You made me laugh. Come here. Suck my dick. I'd be like, why do I have this gift? But he's a really brutal comedian. I don't think you should do so much topical material. It's too easy.

Yeah, right. More stuff about family. Yeah. Go inside. I think you're funny, but you ran the light. That's the beauty of prison humor. There's no light. There's never a light.

It's a light overhead that's always on. Yeah. All right. Well, listen, Bob, we won't hold you up. We just want to say hi. Yeah, man. Great to talk to you guys. Hi, Bob.

It's Lori Kilmartin. Hi. How are you? Happy not Valentine's Day. Yeah. Thank you. Someone cares. Yep.

All right. Now I've remembered I've got to get Bob a Valentine's Day gift too. All right. See you later. You guys are joined. Bye. Bye. The best.

Yeah. I just did a new special and he gave me a lot of great advice. He came to the venue, scouted it out, looked at the lighting. Oh, he's great. He's the best. He's great. Yeah. But now, again, I'm really annoyed at you people.

Who, us? Yeah. For not knowing. Tor Johnson. Right. Oh, he held it up while you were. I gave it to him. It looked like Mike Myers, actually.

He looks like he's waterlogged. Like he drowned like a month ago. When did your special come out, Greg? Hopefully March. This year? Like next month? I don't know. Probably April.

The plan was March. Now it's going to. Yeah. Yeah. You've never seen that? Yeah. No. No. It looks like Loriori for i should just leave that did you say that looked like lord well the red the red blood

maybe just be a little more specific immediately after you say it looks like lori he meant it looked like a british truck to pull that out of you oh oh oh i mean this thing I didn't mention you look bloated like you've been floating in a river. Like a bald dead zombie. Oh, no, I didn't realize that. Thank you. All right, next question is,

what is the hackiest bit that you've ever done? Oh. I feel like I'm working on it now. Yeah. Hack is back. I think the hackiest joke I've ever done, I just wrote. Really? Yeah.

What is it? You know, my wife is, you know, younger than I am. She's a lot more free spirited than I am, you know, and I'm kind of set in my ways. And she wanted to know if I wanted a three-way. And at first I thought like, that sounds like a lot of work. But then she's like, wouldn't you like to be in bed with two women? And it sounds really fun, but it's not good for your marriage. Because there's that awful moment where you have to look at your wife and say, you know,

they're on their way over. You got to get lost. It's pretty sweaty. is that hacking that's super sweaty no no no that's good i mean look it's a it's like it's got a hard misdirection is now considered hacking because it looks like you actually sat down and wrote a joke true it's got it now. Everything is so just, we're just hanging out. I'm just talking. I'm just like you. The big thing with comedy now is we're all on the same level. It's a podcast on stage.

Yes. I think podcasting is so bad for standup. Yeah. And for a lot of comics, they don't know how to change personas. Right. It's ridiculous. Yeah. Right.

I've never gone on stage in sweats of any form, nor have I asked an audience where the weed smokers were at. Do you leave the S off the where? Yeah. Yeah. What's your hackiest mine would be uh my son is uh my son's father is mexican or something my son is hispanic my son looks like his dad in fact he's born with a neck tattoo stupid stupid what's yours the first time i did letterman it was as you guys know letterman in the day was the holy grail oh yeah he was the holy grail there was nothing bigger or better or

not just meaningful in terms of like drawing and clubs but respect among your peers you felt like yes i did what i so when you didn't Letterman, you might hold on to some resentment. Oh, against certain bookers. Yeah. Yeah. Who book themselves frequently on Letterman. Or when you did do the show, went through your act with an electron microscope. It's like, Dave doesn't like callbacks involving liquid or moisture yeah yeah

liquid was a big thing with letterman you can't do anything involving yeah liquid body liquids in particular that's what he meant yeah oh is that did you guys is that is that what you're telling me that's why you didn't get on that constant bleeding bleeding from my face dave doesn't like any references to Kelvin temperatures or the Dewey decimal system. Or Kelvin trilling. Yeah. And so I go on and I had a really tight set. I'd been doing stand-up for

eight years but working non-stop. And I had a five minutes that I felt really good about. And so Zoe Friedman was the booker and the producer and she came out and she was great. Yeah, Zoe's great. Zoe's great.

That's not who we were talking about. That's not who we were talking about. I actually have, my only resentment against Zoe, who's one of my dearest friends to this day, is that she didn't tell me not to close with this bit. And the bit that I closed with, and I'll do it for you.

I'm gonna do this bit for you because you're not gonna believe that I had to fuck. I'm nervous when you bring up the whole toilet roll. By the way, this is your new thing, Greg. You go on stage with a roll of toilet paper and never allude to it. That could be your hamburger. Can you hold this microphone up? Oh, dear. paper and never look to it. That could be your hamburger. All right. Can you hold

this microphone up? Oh, dear. Here's my impression of Marlon Brando ordering food in a Cajun restaurant.

You did this on Letterman? Oh, no. What kind of shrimp we got? And then here's the waiter We got barbecue shrimp Oh my god My first Letterman said I fucking close with that

And Zoe Friedman let me Did people go insane? Yeah. I mean, the audience went insane. No, the crowd goes berserk. And I was so insecure. I was so afraid I was going to bomb that. I was like, fuck it.

I'm going to hack it up at the end. So you had, did you use actual toilet paper or tissue paper for that bit? Or did you have like special rags? Like your Brando waiter rag? No, I just grabbed a napkin backstage. Wow. And meanwhile, the bit before it was a two and a half minute story

about getting pulled over by cops while rolling through the city. It was a great, original, fun, peppered with jokes. And then I just tagged that. No transition. Just out of nowhere. Panic bit.

It's a panic bit. It's a hand grenade you have at a hell gig. Yep. Oh, God. So. Great. Yeah, it was, there was a period of time

where they would just go, they would smash a rack with a hammer and put it back in different shapes. And it was like this setup is good with this punch line it's like this is nothing and then i i did what they said and i have to tell you my set when i did let him in was fine yeah it was so fine yeah have you ever had a glass of water that's been sitting out and it's really not any temperature? Yeah.

It isn't cold or hot. It's just like suddenly the air is thicker at a certain point. Right. That was what it was. Right, right, right. Yeah. It's weird because we're the ones working these out in clubs and we don't want to bomb. Yeah.

So we have this as tight as it can get. I know how this works. Yes. There's a reason why each of these beats is in there and and and it's also you're judging it based on your mind i'm judging it based on hundreds of people night after night after night yeah um so yeah so i've really no interest in doing late night at this point because it really, I mean, for some comics, it's a piece of cake. Give Brian Regan a five-minute set.

Yeah. You know, give Jake Johansson a five-minute set. They've got it because that's their act. It's perfect. It's clean. It's smart. And now when you're Hackey McGee. Next question.

It doesn't really, I mean, kind of the fun thing is that it doesn't late nights don't really do anything anymore it's because of people just digest clips for instagram that's about all it's just it's a clip source right yeah they don't isn't make or break people which is kind of nice because there were there were gatekeepers to who got exposure and they weren't necessarily honest brokers. Oh, yeah. But isn't it strange how quickly that everything's changed and all the things that were like the standards are not anymore,

like getting a late night set. You can get more people in a club with a don't tell set um than you can with a colbert set or something yeah it's so jarring to me that everything i the steps that i thought i i would need it are i've just been washed away it's really and you have to let them wash away that's the that's the problem is like you really have to embrace yeah i gotta put shit online and you know yeah god the thing that kills me is like crowd work has become what people use the most and people are drawing you know matt rife is like selling out you know uh what did you call them yeah craters and uh and really based on and i'm not knocking

him i'm just saying that like it doesn't hold up when you go see them live because you can't do that for an hour. Yeah. Right. And you, you know, it's just like improv when they ask for a playwright and they always shout the same four playwrights. Like it's not actually improv after a while because people keep doing the same things over and over again. Give us a playwright. Shakespeare. Where far art thou behind the microphone good stuff guys see do you know drew landry no he's a comic he's really funny yeah uh coming and he's a really funny on on threads and he had a oh you're on threads yeah is threads a good place to invest i left twitter you did like when i saw i that. I was looking you up the other day and you weren't on Twitter because you used to have a great Twitter account.

I did, but when I saw the X on the building, I was like, I don't want to be a part of this guy. So does Threats have a lot of people on it? It's just nicer Twitter. Right. Do you feel like it's helping your career or it's just a place to be yourself? No. I think

mostly I get most of my traction attractions from instagram and so much of twitter was just like unless it was you know caught starting a political fight you didn't really get a lot of attraction yeah right and they want you to start political fights they funnel people to your feed that will cause you to fight so you will argue with them stay on the platform longer and see more pop-up ads for foot powder. Right. It's all just a shtick. But he had this thing about comedian crowd work.

Comedian. So what do you do for a living? Audience member. I'm a teacher. Comedian. Hmm. TikTok. TikTok title.

Comedian destroys teacher. I love when the comedian gets stumped by what they do. That's my thing. Especially when it's something really interesting. Like, what do you do for a living? Well, I'm a zoologist. Now, that's not my playbook. Meanwhile, it's the best, ripest premise you could have if you're actually talented.

Really? You're a blowjob contestant? No, I said I was a zoo. Sounds pretty gay. Are you sure you didn't say that? What are you here for a living? I'm a pediatric oncologist. What an asshole.

Or just a big eye roll to the other side of the crowd. It's always the other side of the crowd. His side of the crowd, they're're with him they're in on it yeah and then as drew as drew said then the clip is comedian destroys teacher comedian destroys woke insanity yeah because it's all about that thumbnail now that's what i keep hearing it's all about what you put on that first frame yeah do you have any crowd work in your new special yeah no not maybe a little in the special but uh very little on the special but you do destroy woke insanity i do i hate teachers and i go after them constantly especially special needs oh my god

why did um why didn't you, no, your special is named My Pronouns Are Fuck You. That's your special. It's a, or Cis Woke Grief Slay. Yeah, yeah. I was thinking of titles for a special

that I'm getting ready to do and that would make me. Mine is Transing Day. Yeah, see, I don't want to, see, I want to, I don't want to get that many people to watch. You know, gonna like fuck your woke bullshit but then i'm a huge star yeah yeah there's a lot of pressure yeah you want to stay in the middle yeah i like to be able to go shopping i like to be out in the stores here's another thing that we all have in common and i hope this

isn't marginalizing you guys in any way but none of us is big stars we've all found the middle and it's a i think it's the best place for comedy because you see people get big and they get no frame of reference anymore all of a sudden they're talking about shit that's totally irrelevant yeah and i feel like you know we all are very comfortable yeah we're comfortable cozy that's cozy we're cozy that's what it is yeah the two non-divorced comedians are very comfortable comfy cozy no you're divorced i'm a single mom so i'm rolling in it yeah yeah right and the the father is a no but we're not like living on people's couches and you know right you know and so we're able to come at comedy from a place that's- We have a place to get mail.

Yes. Thank you. Right, right, right. I don't want to brag. Yeah. I booked my own plane tickets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh.

Wow. Which I just got a gig in Alaska. Oh. It was so funny because I've been watching True Detective, the new season. Have you seen it? I've heard it's great it's set during the all dark days of december in alaska yeah and it's fucking freezing everybody's poor and people are getting murdered yeah and i say to and it's the dark there is not a hint of humor or lightness to it yeah and I said to my wife at the end of one episode, I go, why would anybody go there?

Next morning, ding, offer to go to Fairbanks, Alaska. I swear to God. When, in December or something? March, which is their December. Yeah, it's still, I'd be still gonna be freezing. Yeah, yeah. And of course I'm like, and I gotta see it. I was like, I gotta see it.

And then I go and look for the flights. Coach is 14 50 to get the fare so i call my agent i go let's make sure we don't get that 500 buyout on the flight i haven't heard back so i don't maybe it's not happening what's the worst place you ever traveled to to to do comedy lethbridge alberta whoa uh i was i was up in can't yeah i take a bus from vancouver to this bar i had a broken toe which wasn't helping my mood that's the thing you think's not going to bother you and then it's the only thing you think about yeah i was in a i was played at a bar like they just put a microphone at the corner of the bar it was american thanksgiving so i knew that all my family friends were at home

i stayed in a hotel i was that had some residents in it you know the long termers yeah the yeah the bed was like sleeping on eeyore's corpse uh this is. I got up super early to take the first bus out of there. So I was on my way out of there. Yeah. Yeah, that was it. Wow. Yeah. And the show was awful.

I killed. Oh, you did? No. Sometimes you do because when it's that bad, it's all you've got to make you feel good. And somehow I dig in so much harder on the show but it was just like i think they were just curious to see a yeah person like you came here yeah what did you do i mean i find not only are you desperate to do well but they are so grateful

that you made it to their shit yeah right yeah yeah i mean my stories are like that are all just like triple one-nighters, you know? Yeah. But I think the furthest I drove was Miles City, Montana, and it's right next to South Dakota for a triple run, a Montana run. Wow. And tiny town, but we were the front page. The comedy show was on the front page of the local paper. Wow.

Sold out. It was so fun. Wow. Yeah. They were happy to see you. Yeah. Do you remember Tom Martin? Yeah, of course.

No. Really funny comedian. Was a Simpsons writer too. Where is he from? As a comic, where is he from? I don't know. I don't know. He was very funny.

He's a writer now. Yeah. We were working at Tempe, Arizona at the Improv in Tempe, Arizona at the improv in Tempe, Arizona. And we're walking around the mall or whatever. And, uh,

these people go, Hey, where are your show last night? It was great. Like, Oh, thank you very much. And Tom just goes,

they're going to go in the car and think we saw the clowns out in the world. We were at the mall and the clowns were walking around. It's so true. It's like seeing a teacher at the beach in his bathing suit. Yeah, it's like when you see a deer in your yard. You're not supposed to be here.

Right, right, right. Mine was Davenport, Iowa I was doing college shows and I used to do a lot of college shows and so

and my agent was in Chicago so all the gigs were like you know Indiana Minnesota everything in the Midwest

and it was always in fucking January and February I once mailed him a map and i circled los angeles and i go this is where i live and so i mailed him a map so i would do these like 10 college runs in seven days where there'd be a noontime show and then you drive Ross Ario. Okay. And so, Noontime, sorry.

It's a noontime show. I've driven the night before. I finished the show in one town and it was four hours away. So I figured, let me do it tonight instead of having to wake up at 8 a.m. for a noon show. So I start driving

and I realize I haven't eaten dinner and I'm fucking starving and there's nothing. It's just a straight road that goes over. And then all of a sudden, like a beacon of hope, Taco Bell. So I go into Taco Bell and there's a guy who's the security guy because this is meth country. And so he's standing guard and I walk in and he is enormous. And I've got to go to the bathroom and I've got to eat

and as I walk in he goes into the bathroom so I order a taco and I'm waiting for it and I go to go in the bathroom I'm knocking knocking and he finally comes out and this guy fucking destroyed the bathroom I mean you got to think his diet he's there three three meals a day yeah and so he leaves and i i left the food on the counter i was so revulsed i left it on the counter and i drove i slept for four hours i got to the cafeteria it was a noontime show and there was no stage they just gave me a wireless microphone that was hooked into the pa system which also did the announcements for when your pizza was ready. So I'd be in the middle of a punchline and they'd go, number 19, pepperoni and cheese.

Oh my God. And there was a soda machine next to me that was so loud, you couldn't hear me over it. It was like moaning. Oh, you win. And also $2,000. No, about $800.

Okay. Yeah. and the kids were playing there's a game they play in the midwest i can't remember what it's called it's a card game who was the old baseball yeah bob euchre it was called euchre yeah i've heard of that yeah yeah but it's just like you don't want me here no i don't want to be here you don't want me here no they had some extra money in the budget that they forgot to spend. And they were like, let's grab a guy for 800 bucks and torture him. Oh, that's. Wow.

Yeah. Once I was performing at a gig in Vermont when I was going to UMass and I did some gig in Vermont or something or out in the sticks, probably Western Mass, and I performed on the ramp down to the dance floor. There was a bar and then a descending ramp to the dance floor, and a complete inversion of what performance should be. They put the performer below everyone. Everyone was standing above me,

like I was in the court on star trek fascist and i was down below and as i'm performing a very drunk man he looked like aqualung just zigzagging slowly down the dance floor until he got to me and then just stood next to me while I did a couple more bits oh my god yeah nobody moved to help me nobody it was very brief did a horrible private gig me and Kevin Meaney god rest his soul I just went down a Kylie posted a meanie clip and i just said the we are the world clip yeah yeah i just watched it yeah i've seen him do that bit oh my god i never got tired of it never got tired of it yeah i saw him in san francisco a million times do that nobody has ever killed a comedy room the way kevin meanie did in my mind i've never seen anybody kill as hard as him 100 remember when

this song was out you might it was i don't know who did the song but it was the song was and you will woo woo and you will all night it was some r&b songs in the late 80s all night it seems like all night the first half of the night i could woo woo so we do some private gig in a hotel ballroom and it's a giant dance floor and then tables around the dance floor and they put the mic at the corner of the dance floor and it's a giant dance floor and then tables around the dance floor and they put the mic at the corner of the dance floor and it's just like you're standing there and there are tables around you it's not the best but not the worst so i do my set i finish i bring up kevin i go upstairs i walk around and i come out in front of the bathroom and I come out and I look. And Kevin has moved the chair.

He's grabbed a chair. And he's moved the chair as far away from the tables as he could get it. He brought it all the way to the back of the dance floor. And he's hunched over the chair in the dark in the back of the dance floor 30 yards from the nearest table. And he's just going, and will and then I would just stood there and then the whole way home we just laughed at the insanity of it and by the way never mentioned it like he got in the car I got in the car we just looked at each other started laughing and stopped when we got to boston like it was just so insane the crowd not into her right not at all oh no not only that that went into his act dana that went into his act sure he

used to do it yeah as soon as you as soon as you had him do it i had like a flashback and then you go and you woo and you woo this is the here's the thing about room i was talking about this uh about meanie let's talk about this with bobcat to be embossed in the 80s, for Kevin to be closeted as he was in Boston in the 80s is one thing. To be running with that group of comedians that he was running with, the group from the barracks, that were at that time, they've all since, the ones that are still with us are older and sober and mature kids yes i've grown with the rest of us but at that time these guys that were like 26 27 year old alcoholic coke freaks yeah so virulently homophobic oh no one of them had a joke that went you know what aid stands for adios infected dick suckers yep that man's name yeah i kevin knox i was gonna guess a kevin yeah i remember and there's another guy there's another guy who had a joke that was worse uh and people would react like you were at

a boond rally you know and and for i was just imagining what it must have been for Kevin to... And here's how out of it we were. Kevin is going on stage in a sport coat and a bow tie, closing with a Judy Garland song. Yeah, yeah. Closing with I Don't Care. And doing his mother's voice the whole time and it never entered our mind yeah i know never entered our mind and a graduate of a cooking school who went on to perform on broadway in hairspray in hairspray yeah yeah but then he was out yeah

but when he was close it never entered our mind that he was gay. He was just singing for me. I don't care for me. Me and St. Louis. The big Judy Garland number. Yeah. You told me that. I didn't realize that that, I thought he wrote that out of the blue.

No, it's from Meet Me in St. Louis. But he was, I grew up in the next town over from Kevin in New York. Wow. And he used to work, my dad belonged to a golf club and Kevin was a waiter at the golf club. Oh my God.

And he used to perform for my dad when he was 18 years old he would do he would do anybody want dessert there's the new york cheesecake cheesecake boats are coming he would do a whole act out dance in the dining room and so my that was in homo hughes new y That was Homo Hughes. Yes, yes. Next to Gaytown. And so he talked to my dad about wanting to do stand-up. And my father was friends with the owner of Catch a Rising Star. And my dad got him on stage his first time. No idea. No idea.

So years later. No idea. Years later, my father said, you remember that comedian Kevin from Noelwood? And I was like, yeah, of course. Because I would be at the pool and I'd be like, Kevin, can I have a Coke please? I'm like eight years old and he's bringing me Cokes with his, cause he had a bow tie on back then. He had a waiter's bow tie. And so, so he goes, my father said, look out for that guy. He's a comedian now. So I see he's coming to Boston and I go to Catch a Rising Star in Boston. At this point, he's done the Tonight Show a few times. I've seen him. I'm already like,

this is the funniest guy. I can't believe that's Kevin. So I go to Catch a Rising Star in Boston and Barry Crimmins is standing in the back and I know Barry and I'm standing there with him

and I saw something I'd never seen before or since on stage. Like a kill from beginning to end like I've never seen. And then he comes off stage, the crowd thins out

and then he sees me. He hasn't seen me since I was this big and he goes,simmons number 236 that was our member number and he took me under you know you were a comedian then I had just started and he took me under his wing used to bring me on the road with him we ended up becoming he was in my wedding party I had no idea that you were that close with Kevin. I had no idea. And then he calls me up and he goes,

and I'm just bringing this up because I had no idea. I knew him my whole life. I didn't know he was in the closet. Calls me up and he goes, I'm dating somebody now. It turns out it was my next door neighbor who was my babysitter. So while Kevin was serving drinks to my parents, she was babysitting me. They get married and have a kid yep it's fucking crazy wow i didn't know that i didn't know any of that i didn't know any of that yeah amazing yeah and she's a comedian no

marianne is a business consultant very successful business consultant who has very bad gaydar. Clearly. Yeah. She does not consult on gaydar. No, the kid. The kid. Oh, she is. Yeah, Kate.

Their kid. Kate is doing some comedy and she waitresses at the comic strip in New York. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Crazy. I know.

Crazy. I didn't know. What a talent that guy was. Yeah. Geez. Yeah. Charisma. And it was just. What a talent that guy was. Yeah. Jeez. Just charisma. And it was just like, it is that thing.

And Eddie Murphy has this too. You can't not look at them when they're on stage. Right, right, right. And it doesn't always translate over to TV or anything like that. It's like some people are born live performers and that's it. You know? Robert Schimmel. Right. You know?

Yeah. I mean, that's a guy that does nobody's, he did it at the highest level you can do standup, but it never, it didn't work on TV or films. But yeah, I've cite him a lot for something,

you know, Robert, no one was more aware of the metrics of robert's success than robert like how you doing robert well i'm ho at students favorite comedian i sold 417 t-shirts this weekend you know like he knew where he was i'm 13 now on the national comedians 113 internationally no it's why he killed himself because his bookings were down well he couldn't handle it. Robert Schimmel?

Oh. Who are you thinking of? Richard Jenney? I'm thinking of Richard Jenney. Oh, okay. Wait, that's why he got so depressed because of bookings? Yeah. Well, it's not. But I would put those two guys up there.

Similar. Robert, but the point, I'm going to make the same point. Yeah. Robert was killed in a car accident. But was dying of cancer yes but and then the world just went on yeah like it didn't miss a beat and you your success is nothing to live for right you you have to have a life it's amazing when you think about legacy, because I know a lot of comics that that's their concern.

Name me a comedian from 1920. So a hundred years later. Remember there was someone named Sandra, Sarah Bernhardt, and she was at the time the most famous person in the whole world, and almost no one knows who she is and it's weird because a lot of our jokes even if they're not considered like

unintelligent 20 years from now they're going to be so rooted in whatever slang we're using right now and how we speak that it isn't like if it's not going to our legacy is like oh you were a comic during that time that's the legacy it's not gonna, our legacy is like, Oh, you were a comic during that time. That's the legacy.

It's not going to be like, Oh, that's still funny to me. You all, even if like, if you listen to Lenny Brewster stuff, you're like, I have to put that through the context machine to even semi enjoy it.

So it's not nothing. Comedy is really about the moment that you're on stage and whatever people leave with. And that's about it. Yeah. Right. Right. It's really going to have something.

I mean, the Marx Brothers held up. I had this five DVD collection of the Marx Brothers that I used to show my kids when they were like eight, nine years old. And they fucking loved it. They responded instantly. And yeah, I think they hold up probably better than anybody stand up though oh in terms of stand up right i don't know no because it's such a it's so in the context of its time right who is the who is the stand has is in the zeitgeist in any way i i think there's some things that lenny bruce did that are still funny so that's the 50s and 60s yeah yeah one

there's one joke in particular that's one i can cite one or two jokes that are still like you could do it today and get a laugh yeah Yeah. But it's hard outside of that. Bob Newhart, maybe? Yeah. Yeah. But his laugh is so timing-based, too. I mean, the stuff's really funny, but his timing is so perfect. I saw him not long ago.

And he's still with us, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. He's in his 90s. And he was, he for the longest time had the highest selling spoken word album of all time. Right. Which he won the Grammy for having been on stage. Once or twice. Once or twice.

It's such an insane story. Yeah, he had to learn how to perform to take it on the road. It's crazy. take it on the road. And his album was just surpassed in sales by Henry Rollins from Black Flag. Really? Really? Wow.

Someone like that. There's no one like that. But it was like, how do you feel about your album sales being surpassed by Henry Rollins from Black Flag? And he just went, well, I'm just glad it was a friend. You know, but it was just like such a like effortless.

Yeah. And just like, I just love that skill of just a couple of words with no inflection and no into, I heard something the other day that one of the funniest things I've ever heard. It's somebody's joke. I don't know who's it's so beautiful. It was just like,

I don't know who's it is. He died doing what he loved surprising tigers. You know, it's just like, yeah, that's just like, that's a- Well, that's Don Gavin. There was a guy in Boston named Don Gavin. I've heard of him, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, in terms of funniest comics I've ever seen in my life,

I always cite people go, who are your influences? And it's like, number one, Don Gavin. And there's a fleet of Boston comedians that would say the same thing. Is he still alive? Yeah. So how's he doing? He's doing cruise ships, living in Florida now.

Yeah, all those guys are on ships. Yeah. Do you know the body out of chickpeas story? Well, let me tell mine first, then you follow up with that. So he drinks a lot of white Russians. Even still? Oh, yeah.

He's a boss. I don't know how there are so many survivors of the Boston comedy scene. No, he, what I, what the, the stories are horrific and legendary.

And he's been like that forever. It's like the entire crew of the Oppenheimer test are still alive. Like, how are you guys still alive? And so he's on stage one night and he, he, he was pretty drunk and he gets off and a young comic comes up to him and he

goes, Don, I hate to bring this up to you, but you did the same joke three times. And Don looks at him and he goes, record six. Such a, and a great guy oh my god oh my god he used to do this bit about a salad bar and he had a thick boston accent he's talking mile 60 miles an hour

he goes you walk up and there's like a buddy with a chickpeas and there's this thing what is this called a sneeze guy and Tom Kenny and he's like and in the back in the way back where you can't reach him with a lobster claws and they're giving you the finger

yeah yeah yeah but Tom Kenny was obsessed with what is he saying there but he had a chickpeas what's buddy at a chickpeas what and i don't know i don't know what but he says listen hey you go to is that buddy in a chickpea is it a kind of chickpea is it a for better yet and we finally asked him. I think Goldthwait might have asked him. Don, what are you saying there? He goes, he's saying about a yard of chickpeas.

A buddy yard. Buddy of chickpeas. Buddy of chickpeas. Buddy of chickpeas. If I saw Tom Kenny today, and I'm sorry, I may. If I say buddy of chickpeas, you'll know exactly what I'm saying. Yeah, the front row's easy.

Got a lot of chickpeas, baby corns, and in the back, you got the lobster claw. I am now going to call Tom Kenny and tell him he reminded me of the rest of that day. Oh, man. But he was very nice. There was a... I was so envious of the stories from the Boston scene because San Francisco scene did not have stories like that at all. In 1985, there was the first annual Boston comedy competition.

It was a big deal. And there was like a $10,000 or $2,000 prize or something. It was the first annual Boston comedy competition. It was a big deal. And there was like a $10,000 or $2,000 prize or something. And all the giant guys ended it just because they wanted the money. It didn't matter. And I won. And I was 21 and I was barely no longer an open mic-er. How old were you when you started? 17.

Wow. And they hate me and i will say knowing my personality at that age i would also yeah because i did hate me yeah um and don gavin was the only guy that was like, hey, how you doing? Like, didn't, like, openly despise me. Yeah, yeah. It was really, I always appreciated that. Wow. I'm going to tell one funny Dana story to you, and then we're going to wrap it up.

Okay. I don't want to keep you guys for too long. Is this the cab driver? Yeah. So me and Dana. Okay. I don't want to keep you guys for too long. Is this the cab driver? Yeah. So me and Dana, I was just, I was just coming up and I, they sent me out to San Francisco to feature and I'm so excited.

I'm opening for Dana Gould. Are you at the punchline? At the punchline. Yeah. And so they set us up. We got morning radio. It's a Friday morning. We got to get up.

Alex Bennett? Probably. Yeah. Or K-Fog maybe or something. So it's like 645. We got to get up. Alex Bennett? Probably. Yeah, or K-Fog maybe or something. So it's like 6.45. We pile into a taxi. We go do the radio thing. And we start to wake up.

A couple cups of coffee. And now we're driving home to that red hotel. Remember that red hotel? Yes. With the really cool breakfast thing in the lobby. Yeah. So we're driving back. And we get to the hotel.

And we've got a driver who is uh from the middle east yeah and we're joking with them we're having fun we're kind of high on the interview and then we get to the front of the hotel and i go uh so you uh you want to come up i'm uncomfortable again even hearing that. What do you mean come up? I go, you know, it's like 7.30. I'm like, you know, come up and party a little bit. And he's dying.

And the guy's like, what? No, no, no, you get out of my cab. And we're four blocks from the Tenderloin. I mean, it's not, you know, it's like, it's highly plausible he gets that offer. We've just met. Like, we met about the night before. And then at the end of the weekend, he gives me a gift.

And it's in its... Oh, you forgot. When we got out of the car, he prayed. Oh, right. Because it was time. And he had to get we had to i get out of i want to go on the cab drivers podcast and hear the story from his point of view he got out he got out his uh prayer mat and what am i thinking i'm blanking about he had to bow towards mecca yeah right yeah so uh end of the weekend comes and he gives me a it's it's in a laminated uh bag

and it's a graphic novel that he bought me and it's called hollywood homo and i still have it on my shelf to this day and it was a like a dime store it was probably written by ed wood you should check it's probably worth like forty thousand40,000. It was like a 25 cent dirty adult store paperback. Like a salacious gay paperback. Oh my God. Let me give you guys some plugs before we go. I know that

Dana Gould is going to be coming to Acme Comedy Club April 25th to the 27th. Top two clubs in the country, I would say so look for him there if you're in LA I'll be filming my special at Dynasty Typewriter on March 18th

oh really that's a great place to film top two clubs in the country Laurie Kilmartin is going to have she's got a special now that you can get that is called Sis Wo Grief now that you can get uh that is called sis woe grief slut you can get it on apple you can get it on google amazon amazon yeah you on youtube yeah if you go

to my website lauriekilmartin.com there's links to all the different streamers you can get it at or comedy dynamics it's on their website and she's also got live shows. She'll be in Glendale Stir Crazy this weekend. And then Salt Lake City, Utah Wise Guys, March 8th through the 10th. With Goldman. Oh, yay! Another boss in person.

DC, March 14th. Centerville, PA, March 15th at 3.30pm. Is that a typo on your website? No, you know what? That would be, yeah. I mean, it's not an afternoon show. It's the way that Squarespace makes you enter event times.

Okay. Chicago, March 20th, Ann Arbor the 21st, Dayton, May 10th, Portland, June 5th and 6th, and then Burlington, Vermont. Go to, what's the name of your website? LaurieKilmartin.com. Nice, original. your website uh lauriekillmartin.com nice original thank you i actually have killmartin.com as well oh yeah my pro my pr lady's like no you gotta say your full name i'm like it's extra word it's an extra word and more letters but you can do kill martin k-i-l you know what my website is bits dog yep got it got it um you guys thank you so much for uh getting here and rolling with the uh

the adjustment which i i i honestly feel like i should be doing a podcast with two guests this was fun yeah we did an hour this is gonna be a two-parter yeah but i i fucking i mean it's you you guys are both really special to me so i'm glad that we did this together and we had to call it we had to drop in bob cat came in like bob hope walked by brook shields hey i thought the show been canceled back to taluka lake dana slept like a log last night he was in the fireplace all right thank you so much and thanks to paul roman and bobby for supporting us here in the studio and we'll see you guys next time