Fitzdog Radio - Mark Normand on Bombing, Marriage & the Craziest Breastfeeding Story Ever | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: July 15, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Mark Normand returns for one of the funniest conversations we've ever had. This episode is sponsored by Kalshi, the largest prediction market in America. Trade on everything from sports and politics to entertainment and more. Download the Kalshi app and use code SOCCER10 to get $10 when you trade $10, or visit https://kalshi.com/r/soccer10. We get into bombing on stage, bad gigs, marriage, dating after divorce, having kids, growing older, comedy careers, Catholic school, vacations, Bob Dylan, cockfights in Puerto Rico, breast milk, ED, abortions, and the weird realities of life as a stand-up comedian. Mark also talks about his new material, life after Netflix, why he's back in comedy clubs, and why YouTube might be a better path than Hollywood. This one goes completely off the rails—in the best way possible. Mark's tour dates: https://marknormandcomedy.com Follow Greg:https://www.instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Subscribe for new episodes every week. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Hulu original series Furious is coming to Disney Plus, starring Emmy Rossum. Furious follows FBI agent Alice Black on the hunt for a mysterious and calculating serial killer. Both walk their own paths toward justice, and as their lives start to intertwine, the line between right and wrong begins to blur. Don't miss the three-episode premiere of the Hulu original series Furious on July 27th, only on Hulu on Disney Plus. My name is Peter Parker, but I'm also... Spider-Man.

This July... We're faced with a threat. That can be anyone. The world may have forgotten Peter Parker. I'm just a neighbor, friendly neighbor. But he hasn't forgotten them. Sometimes Spider-Man has to do the hard thing. That's my responsibility.

Dr. Banner? I didn't know you could get that big. Spider-Man, brand-new day. In theaters, July 31st. Hey, y'all. It's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old.

You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.cair, every style, every home. Hi, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. It's a pleasure to have you. Summer's here. I hope you're jumping in lakes and pools and oceans

and getting a little color on your face. I don't. I don't get any. It just stays white, gets a little pink, freckles get bigger. Putting an Irish person in the sun is like putting a fork in the microwave. Just sparks and a lot of pain. So sad news this week, my wife's basically stepfather died.

He died. There's so many ways of saying that. He passed away. We lost him. You try to soften it. Because, you know, we had to tell a lot of people the news. And depending on who it is, if it's an older person, you say, we lost him. And he didn't fight a good fight.

He just died. It was very sad. He had been very sick and housebound for the last nine months. My family went to South Africa for my nephew's wedding at Christmas, and I got to stay with him for a couple weeks. or I stayed next door to him, took care of him, and I'll miss him. Johnny Weiss, great man. He was just a real New Yorker. One of those old New Yorkers, I think he was 87 or so.

They're from a different generation, and they were, they're fucking smart, intellectual, philosophical, argumentative. He was, you know, he was a good Upper West Side Jew who would read everything and enlighten me on things. He was a lawyer, but he worked his whole life for legal services for the elderly, like helping people, old people that were being evicted. Basically spent his life helping those people. And his dad is a very famous philosopher. who's very published, and his name is Paul Weiss. And Johnny is also, he was the head of the philosophy department at Yale his whole life, his father. And then Johnny went to Yale.

He wrestled there. And he, you could tell because when he hugged you, it was like a, like you really had to brace for one of the, even when he was 87 years old. He still brought it in hard. And, you know, he had a good life. He and my mother-in-law got together about 45 years ago, and she was divorced, and I don't think he'd ever been married. And they had this very unusual relationship where their apartment buildings were literally next door to each other. They both lived on the third floor, and they did not live together. But every night at 6 o'clock, they met in front of the building, and they would.

went out to dinner seven nights a week, 365 days a year, and they'd have dinner at a nice restaurant, and they'd come home, and they'd go back to their own apartments. And the more people I tell about, people are jealous. They go, what? How did they get to do that? But the rules are you're supposed to go back and then share and then fake? No, they just did it this way. Yeah, they could have saved money and had one apartment, but this is the way they wanted it.

And they were very close. They bickered, listening to them bicker was one of my favorite things in the world. Oh, Johnny, Johnny was supposed to go to dinner and you can't find your glasses. And then he would talk. You didn't always understand what he said because he had like a, I don't know if it was a cleft palate. he had something wrong with his mouth so that there was kind of a mumbly sound and he had no clavicles

so his shoulders went straight down and he was short so he was an unusual looking guy and he was very blind he used to literally hold the menu in the restaurant about an inch from his nose and move his eyes back and forth

and so we called him Mr. Magoo and he was very close to Owen on Owen. They talked a lot on the phone. Owen was devastated when we gave him the news. And he was close to all the grandkids. And yeah, so he's gone. That's it. And now Virginia is, Aaron's mom is in the city. She's got no family left. She's got, you know, a couple friends in the city. But she hates the winters. She hates the summers. And we've always wanted our moms to move out to California.

My mom is kind of happy in Florida, and then she'll spend time with my sister in New York in the summers. But I think we should get them out here and put them in an apartment together and just roll the cameras. It would be the funniest sitcom you've ever seen in your life. Both my mother and my wife's mother went to the same high school in the Bronx. And they're from that same, you know, tough but funny sensibility. but they're very different and it might be interesting. Anyway, we're going to get her out here maybe.

We'll see. We haven't even brought it up with her, but me and Aaron talked about maybe not living here. No, let's keep the you have your place we have ours arrangement. You know, if she could get a little apartment near here and we'd see her a lot.

I don't know. She could maybe move in here. We'll see. But if she's going to live out of here, we've got to make her California. She got black hair, diet blonde, fake boobs. She's thin, but we put her on Oz epic anyway, because that's just what you do.

We'll put her on Oz epic. Why not? Get her on Tinder? All right. Luckily, she doesn't listen to this podcast. Coming up, I'll be in Pittsburgh at the Improv, July 24th and 25th. St. Pete's at Joke World Festival, August 14th, and 15th. Cincinnati and Columbus at the end of August.

Then I'm coming out to Vancouver. La Jolla, Batavia, Toronto. All tickets are available at Fitzdog.com. Come on out, support live comedy. I got a lot of funny new stuff. I know you want to see it. Also, this episode is sponsored by Kalshi, the largest prediction market in the U.S.

I've been kind of addicted to Kalshi. Not addicted, but I'm having fun with it. I get in, I make some predictions. The World Cup doesn't use. usually mean a lot to me, and now I am thinking about it all the time. So when you do the Kalshi markets, you're not playing against the house. You're basically trading directly against people that it might have a different opinion about the outcome of things. So if you think something's going to happen, you buy a yes contract. If you think it won't, you buy a no contract. And then

the price moves based on what people believe. So it's like the stock market. So right now, France is trading at about 34% chance to win. So if you predict they win and you put in $100, you'll get $130 back. I took that bet from the beginning. So I took it a long time ago. So my payback is much higher. There's also these really fun little things called mentions, where you can guess what are predict.

what things the announcer will say during the tournament. Like if they say goal kick or crossbar or handball, then I make money. So I got the volume cranked when I'm watching the game. I don't even care if the U.S. loses. As long as the announcer says Trump or nutmeg, which is when he kick in between the guy's legs by his nuts. Calci is CFTC approved and federally regulated,

so it's available in most of the country, including California and Texas. Download the Calci app and use code Soccer 10 to get $10 when you trade $10. Or go to calci.com slash R slash soccer 10. That's the number 10, where the code is automatically applied. That's K-A-L-S-H-I. Calci. Trade what's next. All right.

My guest today, oh, my God, I was in New York a couple weeks ago. and I had this guy on. Oh, we had so much fun. He's one of my favorite comics out there. I mean, there's guys that have come out in the last, that I've been aware of for the last 10, 12 years. You know, guys like Sam Marell and Joe List and Mark Norman is in that little click of guys that are the future of comedy,

I believe. They really are. They're in the trenches. They're grinding out weeks on the road year round. And he self-released a special. called Out to Lunch, which got like 15 million views. And then he's been on Netflix doing specials. He's been on a million late night shows. He does kill Tony. He does that Rogan thing with Ari Shafir. And who's the other guy that does that with them?

Ari Shafir, Mark, and is it Shane? Maybe it's Shane Gillis. Yeah. We might be drunk in Tuesdays with stories. You know him, you love him. He needs no introduction. Here is the great Mark Norman. My guest today is the someday legendary Mark Norman. Whoa, hey, I'll take it. You're pre-approved.

It's almost like when a player is still in the NBA, but they say he'll be an all-star someday. I'll take it. All right. Not an all-star, a Hall of Famer. Like Brunson, I took a pay cut early. so it hasn't paid off yet, but I used to work for very cheap. Still do. Well, I noticed that, like, you and I work some of the same clubs,

but I know when I go in, I'm not selling them out, but like you kind of like going into like Cleveland hilarities, Cobbs in San Francisco, and then you just know you're going to sell out and you don't have to stress it. Yeah, well, I'm back at the clubs because I did a Netflix special, so I feel guilty having no material in a theater. Oh, right. So I go back to them now and back to the clubs on a working it out tour,

which is a great move because you can really get away with throwing shit against the wall. Have you been bombing at all? Oh, yeah. Oh, God, yeah. You know, you feel like your good eight or whatever up top, so they're like, hey, here we go. And then... Yeah.

It's a good feeling in a way, though, isn't it? I guess. It's good when you're, like, up there and your backs against the cliff, and you find something. Yeah. And you hold onto it for dear life, but most of it is a knife fight. But I sort of feel like maybe I'm like a little sadomas masochistic, but like I just did a gig up in Reno. And it was like, you know, one night thing for a bunch of people that were, it was like a bunch of people that were game hunters.

And then they like to eat the game. So like there was all these like taxidermy bears and elk and shit. And then the buffet line was all like rattlesnake meatballs and all this crazy shit. Wow, this sounds awesome. Well, I'm thinking this is going to be great. but they were all old and like a lot of pearls, like the wives said it was very fucking, and I bombed so hard that I started to laugh.

Like, because nobody was making any noise. Right. And so I just started to think this is so fucking fun because it's almost like a release that, oh, I didn't have a shot. So I'm not failing. Right. I'm just in an impossible situation and it's going to be a great story. Yeah, good point.

But that takes experience to get to that. Yeah. Because when you're, you know, 10 years in, you're like, I suck. I'm bum, and you get the flop sweat, the dry mouth. But you're also one of the most malleable guys. You can put you anywhere and you'll figure it out. Oh, thanks, man. You can do crowdwork, you have material, you can talk about your family,

you can make fun of a guy, you get heckled, you trash a dude. Yeah. You got all the tools in the tool chest. Oh, thanks, man. That's rare now. Yeah, I like this gig this weekend. I've got to be squeaky clean for an hour, and so that means like going through old old, like you've done a million late night shows.

Oh, yeah. When I have to do these, I'll just go through late night sets that I did because I know they're clean already. I do that too, but they're weirdly hard to remember. Yes. You're like, I can't believe I wrote that. I told that for years. And now I'm like, I can't get it back in my head.

I know. I know. I've been running those sets, my old, like, Letterman sets in the clubs for the last week. So I can remember them. And then that, you're, or like, you'll be on stage and somebody would be like, yeah, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a welder and you go and your brain fucking pie, I got a welder joke. So you start your welder joke and then halfway through you're like

I don't know how it is. Yes, yes exactly. And somebody can try to catch the rhythm of it like maybe once I get to the rhythm it'll just coast my brain will figure it out. If you start, it's like getting a boner. When you start thinking about it too much, you can't get it. Do you get whiskey dick? No, I've had it obviously but it's all mental. Yeah, yeah.

I started taking the propitiations. Yeah, and my friend was like, watch out, ED's, that's big E-D drug, you're fucked, you're never gonna get a boner again, and he got in my head. Yeah. And I couldn't get a boner. I was with a girl. I was with a be with a hot lady and I couldn't get it up and I was like, what the hell? She's hot, what's going on?

Yeah. And then I eventually, like, two weeks of this go by and I'm like, this is all mental. This is all my head and it went away. Well, the problem kind of solves itself because if you can't get it up, you end up just eating her out and now she can see the top of your head, which is full of hair. It's a good point It's like a self-eating steak You know

It's a vicious circle So yeah I remember I went on an antidepressant Lexapro And I had trouble with With the boners And I literally said to my wife It's not you

And she just started laughing She's like I know it's not me But Well I have a joke I'm doing now About how young guys They got like hymns And Cialis

and loot you at all. You can just send it to your house in a discreet package. Back in our day, we couldn't get up front of a woman. You had to take it like a man and blame her. Yeah.

You know? That was a big move back there. Like, oh, that freckle on your ass. No wonder. I can't work under these conditions. Come on. You just start staring at the freckle, shaking your head.

Oh, yeah. So she starts crying. But there's nothing where I've been there where just eating out, eating out, eating out, and you're like, come on. You're like hitting your dick, and it just won't move.

Right. and it somehow looks smaller than it ever has and limper than usual. It's like siphoning gas. I don't know if you ever did that. I have, yeah. And you know, you're just down there and you're like, you're waiting.

And then I had a moped. When I was like 14, I got a moped. And I had it for like two years. Yeah. And I never paid for gas once. I just had a siphon thing in the little compartment. And I would just, I would siphon car. Because it was only, you know, it felt it was like a gallon of gas.

But a gallon gas bag that was probably like, what, $0.88? Yeah, I didn't have it. Damn. Yeah, I slifened a few times. And then you get the jolt of gas in your mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Did you, uh, did you, uh, did you, uh, did you, uh, did you didn't have a car to

you're older, right? Because you, no, I bought a 71 Cutlass Supreme convertible. No. Yeah, when I was 16. It was $3,500. But it, it was banged up. I mean, it needed a lot of work. So I ended up putting a ton of money into it over the years.

And I drove it to prom, broke down at prom. Like, this car was, it was touch and go. But it looked great. So what happened to prom night if you broke down? I had to call my dad. And he, yeah, he had to come get us. And then he drove us to a friend's house. And then my friend, I rode with him to prom.

Yeah. Pretty sad. Did you have the girl in the car when you broke down? I did, yeah. But you know what? I won funniest whatever. You won superlatives at prom? And I won funniest.

Oh, that's good. Yeah, so that was a big deal. But I didn't get laid. Who got best looking? This guy, Everett, who's a handsome guy, looked like George Clooney. Yeah. The football player, the whole thing.

No shit. Yeah. Everett. Yeah, I went to a Catholic high school with uniforms and everything. Is it all boys? No, I was co-ed, thank God. But I did public school, and it got,

you know, got a little racial. There was some racial tension. with all the whites and the blacks and the Mexicans. I mean, you got racist or it got racial? Well, just like a lot of fistfights. Yeah, yeah. And I was going down a bad path, and my dad was like, you're going to Catholic school. Uh-huh.

You and Joe List. Yeah. Oh, he went to Catholic? Yeah. I didn't know that. It's co-ed also. It's the way to do it. Well, the girls, I mean, it's like a 1980s music video.

The girls with the plaid skirts and the little white Bobby socks. Oh, I know. Their tan thighs, and they would have that little bit of blonde hair on top of the tan thigh, and the light would hit it in the classroom, and you're kind of leaning down the aisle a little bit. Boy, boy, boy. Were you there recently? You got this down. I never noticed the peach fuzz.

The peach fuzz was the key. Yeah. But we had some real horrors. I mean, it's Catholic school, so they would, one girl got kicked out for banging, like, the football team in the locker room. I mean, it was a lot of that stuff going. A lot of pregnant girls got kicked out. No way. It was a throwback.

So you get pregnant, you get thrown out? Yeah. Why don't they just throw the baby out? Catholic. No, you can't do it. Can't do it. Deep South, this is Louisiana, man. So what would happen to the girls?

Sometimes they used to send girls away when they got pregnant. I think they would just go to like a public school. They would just one day they were gone. Like, oh, what happened to Kelly? Like, ah, she moved away. Wow. Yeah. Then you see her with a little half-black kid.

How old were you when you paid for your first abortion? I guess I was about 18, 17, 18. High school girlfriend, we got one. Yeah. And I had to pay for that. Yeah. Was she in the Catholic school with you? No, she was at Ben Franklin, which was like the good school.

That was like you had to take a pass a test and write a letter to get in. And she got into my brother, went there too. Did you keep dating her after the abortion? Yeah, went to college with her. No. Went to New York with her. found comedy and she was like, I can't live like this. What?

And she dumped me, or we broke up. No kidding. Yeah. I mean, not thought we were going all the way, but then comedy ruined everything. Well, the kid would have kept you together. That's true. So thank God we nipped that in the bud. I was too young.

I was 17 or whatever. Yeah, no, that was a good call. Yeah. Jesus. How old was she? 17, same age. Right. Yeah, but she's doing great now.

Got a hot husband. She works for, I think, HBO. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. We're still cool, but we were tight. Yeah. We were tight. But then you just grow, you grow apart. I was doing the clubs every night and then going on the road when I could. And she was like, I never see you.

Right. And then I thought of a joke like, well, if you dump me, you'll never see me. And she was like, I got to get out of here. You drive me crazy. Because everything was like, is this a bit? Is that a bit? Yeah. But she even said, she's like, once you found comedy, I could see, you found your thing. Right.

Because I was a rudderless idiot. I was an alcoholic. And, uh... You were an alcohol? You know, I was blackout guy. Yeah. And I wet the bed, blacked out. I peed on her more than R. Kelly. I peed all over that lady.

She was a saint. But, yeah. So I was the blackout guy. I was the lose your phone guy, lose your wallet guy. I was a mess. Wow. And once I found comedy, I could finally put my head into something. Right.

It made sense. Yeah. And she was like, you don't need me anymore. But you found some. Someone, which is like, I'm in the same way. I've been with my wife 26 years. Wow. She never complains about me being away.

You know, part of it is I was the sole breadwinner for 18 years, so she couldn't go, you're going away too much because I needed to. Good point. But like, even when I'm in town, I'll go out and do spots. And never on Saturday night if I'm in town. That's our date night. Really? Yeah.

Why not do Saturday's a primo comedy night? Because that's when people are who's having dinner parties. Ah. You know. Damn. That's a tough. one with the agent. You're like, hey, I'm in, but not Saturday. No, no, no. If I'm not working that week and I'm doing spots in L.A., then I don't put in for Saturday night. Got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although

Elon Gold, his Jewish won't work the Sabbath, so his whole career, he never would work Friday nights. And that really hurt his career. Yeah, yeah. That's, that's the night. Yes. Well, that's the hard part about the ladies is they love night. They love dinner, drinks, a Broadway show, a dinner party. Netflix and Chill. Cuddling. All we do is work at night. Right. So that gets tough because women like a comedian, I think.

They're like, hey, you're a performer, you're an artist. That's so sexy. Right. You're never here. Right. So do you have a night that you take off when you're in town? I'm a Sunday man. Yeah.

But my wife is normal. I think your wife is normal. We're a crazy comedian brain. She's a normal lady who's like, you need a vacation. And I'm like, I can't do that. I have no self-esteem. I never went on a vacation my whole life. And she's like, we're going to Italy.

And I'm like, can we do that? Is that allowed? She's like, yes, you have money, take some time off. We'll go in three months. So we go to Italy. So without her, I wouldn't do any of that shit. Did you feel like you could let go when you were there? Or were you still thinking about work?

It takes a couple. Well, you have that window. You get there and you're like, what am I doing? I'm going to be irrelevant. I haven't posted in two seconds. I got a tweet about Italy. What's funny about pizza? And then after like two days, you're like, all right, I'm relaxing.

But then four days comes around. You're like, I got to get back. I've got to get back to New York. I've got to forget about me. me, you know. You get a second of relaxing, but I'm not good at it. Wow. You don't have that? No, I go on vacation. I'm fucking out. I am out. But I mean, I, not, my family didn't take vacations, but I don't know. I think I got to a certain point, and I realized that my stress level was debilitating if I didn't take time on. Really? Yeah, I would always, I mean, because for the first,

you know, 12 years of my career, I was seven, night. a week. Yeah. Same. Yeah. And then I started to take off one night and now I take off a couple nights and I need vacations. Well, plus, you'll say with your kid now, you're going to want, I'm all over it. At this age, don't take him anywhere. It's like, oh yeah, we took him to fucking Nova Scotia. I know. And you sat at a pool at a hotel and ate French fries. You could have done that in New Jersey. I know. So true. So true. But once he's like six or eight. Okay. Yeah. Well, also, we've taken the kid on a few vacate. We went to the Bahamas with him.

It's not a vacation anymore. Because now you're up at the crack of dawn. He doesn't. He can't go to a restaurant. He's flipping out. Then I have a couple drinks to get through it. Then you've got to wake up with the baby at the crack of dawn. So you're like, this isn't relaxing at all.

I'm on no sleep. I'm hung over. The kid's screaming. This is hell. You're not getting late because you're in a hotel room with the kid. Actually, you're at that point. You can still do that. What's the cutoff on that?

I think talking. because right now he's just like go-go-go-gaga so if he sees me humpin this broad he's not like he's not putting it together he's not like oh they're banging he's probably like they're playing or something or wrestling yeah yeah but yeah I can still do it

we were one time me and my wife went out her mom came out for a few days and she goes all right I'm buying you guys a hotel room was like you know the Hyatt Regency this nice hotel is that a nice hotel? Yeah Hyatt's are good so it's a Hyatt and we're

We live in Venice Beach, and this is Marina Del Rey, which is a five-minute drive. Very nice. So we're not wasting any time commuting. We're just getting to this hotel. It's got a nice pool. It's on the beach, good restaurant. And we check in. And my wife breastfed at the time, so she filled up some bottles.

Oh, wow. And we took off. And we get to the hotel room, and we immediately have sex. And then we walk out on the beach. We have some dinner. We go back to the room. We have sex again. Wow.

And then... When is this? This is 2003. Okay, okay. So he still had some pep in your step. Why, you don't think I could do it twice in a night anymore? I don't think you'd want to. I can't do it twice in a...

Okay, I didn't want to say. There's a 24-hour shot clock now. Yeah. Yeah. I'm getting there. I got about a 12-hour. Oh, that's not bad. Yeah, but I'm 42.

I should be able to... I can do it, but I just... Once I've done it, I'm like, let's watch TV. Yeah. Yeah, it's diminishing returns after that. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So we have sex again, and then we go to bed. And I was like, all right, tomorrow morning we get up, we're going to have sex, we're

going to have breakfast, and we're going to, and so she goes, all right. And so 2 a.m. she wakes up and she's crying. You know, the baby's only like four months old. And I was like, why are you crying? Do you, like, miss the baby or something? And she's like, no, I'm engorged. I didn't breastfeed. My breasts are swollen up.

and it needs to be released. I need to go home because she didn't bring the pump. So we need to go home and we need to feed the baby or I need to pump. And I go, I go, I go, this is our only fucking night

in four months. Like we can't, I go, can't you just deal with it? And she's like, no, it needs to be released. Wow. It has to be, I have to feed. And I go, well, pop them out.

Yeah. So she pops them out and I start working on one and I'm not getting anything out. And then she's like, coaching me. She's like, no, get your tongue underneath, and she's like pushing it up, and I'm like, sucking, and I think it was going to happen. And then all of a sudden, it just started squirting in my mouth. And it was like, and so I, and I, so I let go to spit it out, but then I had to start all over again to get the suction right. Right, right. So I realized I had to swallow it. And it was like a sweet, it was like a sweet, it was like a-tasted it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got a tang to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a sweet tang. And, and, and, it was, and, it was, It's like a chai latte with a little bit of, and so I'm swallowing, I'm swallowing it, and then I move to the second one.

Wow. And this is like a little BJ. It's basically because you have to go and go and then it finally shoots, and you have to swallow it. It's a tiny beach. And she's grabbing my head the way I'd grab a woman. Exactly. And I worked the second one, halfway through the second one, I start, I'm kind of getting turned on, so I'm rubbing against her, and I think she's getting turned on.

And we start to have sex while I'm breast. breastfeeding. Oh, my God. And it ends with like, you know, like she's coming and I'm coming. And now I got milk coming down my chin and she, like, and it was just this moment of like pure release, you know? It was like, it was like carnal. Yes, yeah, everyone's releasing.

Everyone's releasing. That's great. And so we left and we went, we slept the night, got up the next morning. We didn't have Zach's because I was worn out at that point. Yeah. And I walk in the door and the kid's crying and he wants to breastfeed. And I'm just looking at him like, do you lay, buddy. Bags are empty.

Yeah, kitchen's closed. Holy shit, what a good hubby. Yeah. Oh, and then the joke was on me because I had diarrhea for like two days because it's like you're not supposed to ingest as an adult that much breast milk. I thought it was going to be like because that shit is nectar of the gods. Yeah. I mean, it is like it's a healer, it's nutrients. Antibiotic.

Everything. Yeah. Yeah. You could put that, like my wife. used to put it on a, he'll hit his head and get a cut. You'd put it on the cut. Really? It would heal it, yeah.

I mean, it's a crazy elixir. No shit. It's like snake oil. Maybe they should, women should bottle it and sell it. They do. To like Matthew McConaughey would buy that shit in the second. Right, right. It's like aloe vera.

It's got some kind of crazy nutrients in it. Wait, they do sell it? They do sell it. You can buy it. It goes for a pretty penny. Oh, yeah. I mean, you take a shot of that hungover. you're back.

Really? It's like doing a bump. No shit. Oh yeah, I've done it. So a woman might get pregnant or even have an abortion. If you wanted to make money, you could get yourself pregnant, abort it, but then, you know, you've got to go late term because that's when the milk starts flowing. Right. So you do, you go like 36 weeks, flush it, and then just start pumping and selling.

Pumping and selling. And it'll keep producing as long as you keep pumping. Exactly. So do we have a Google bitch? I mean, it'd be nice to get a price tag on this bag of milk. Do we have a Google bitch? Yeah, we do. I don't know if Peters is on the...

Peters, you on that? The ones and twos. But, so you tasted it? What was that situation? I just had to know. It was some in a bottle, and I said, fuck it. And she went, no, don't do it. I'm doing it.

And yeah, it's not good, but it's not bad either. Yeah. Definitely tangy. But, boy, it's packed with all kinds of things. He's already got it. How much? $4 an ounce. That's a steal.

Yeah, I thought it'd be more than that. Well, maybe because they're really just going to Whole Foods and get some buttermilk. Yeah. Do you sell it like on a public market. If you do private, it can go hundreds of thousand dollars per month. Is it legal? Yeah. Yeah.

It's like a cow's milk. Damn. Yeah, I thought it would be more because you has to be pregnant. Someone has to get her pregnant. And you want to be, I think it depends on the lady. If you get it from some, you know, I'll go from Guatemala. It might be less than if you get it from Guadeth Paltrow's tits.

So you think there's a face on the bottle? Yes, there better be. There's a body on the bottle. It's like sperm. You want the Harvard grad six foot two, you know, handsome guy. You don't want, what's the guy, Andy Melanacchus, you don't want his jizz.

Yeah, but I've always questioned that theory about getting the Harvard jes because like yes this kid got into Harvard yes he's good looking he's also jerking off for 50 bucks so there's something wrong with this guy good point i never thought about that aspect yeah why is the Harvard 6-2 guy jerk he should be the the finance he's a hedge fund guy he should never be jerking off he should always there should always be a woman available to him that's true yeah now let me ask you this so you have two kids Two kids. And they're, what, out of the house, older?

Yeah, my son lives in Bushwick. My daughter's back in Venice, yeah. Whoa. Yeah, I know. Why Bushwick? It's the place now for young people. I used to live there, but I got bed bugs. I got mugged.

It's still a little bit funky, but it's, you know, it's got that little park where the Mexicans play volleyball with a soccer ball and the net's extra high, which I just stand there and laugh. It's so fucking, and they're wearing like Timberlins and Levi's and his 90 degrees out. Mexico, they'll swim in jean shorts. Yeah, but fuck. You'd think their net would be lower.

They're shorter people, but whatever. No. Is he an artist? No, he's a tech bro. He's not a tech bro. He is a guy who is not a natural salesman at all. My son is the most like easygoing, team player kind of guy, not pushy at all. Like really good looking, never ask women out.

they always ask him out. I don't know that he's ever, like, gone after a girl. Wow. He's not a salesman, but he got this job because he had, you know, a bunch of good meetings with the company, and he's doing well. He's actually making sales. Great. But he's not, if you met him, you were like, this guy's not a salesman.

Okay. Well, good. You don't want, if I meet a guy who I can be like, that guy's a salesman, he's usually slimy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's good that he's not salesmany, but I can't believe he's, you know, from Venice to Bushwick. Yeah.

That's quite a shift. Well, I think Bushwick is, Venice is kind of gritty. I guess that's true. Yeah, I think a beach, I think L.A. Palmton. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of hope of.

Venice has different areas to it. Yeah, all right. I forgot what I was going with this. Oh, you got older. Oh, I got it back. Everybody I know now, every honky, by the way,

is on the IVF. Nobody can have kids anymore. Oh, I know. You know, like you name them. They're having an IVF. I'm lucky we did it naturally. Yeah, 10 grand a pop for that IVF. Insurance doesn't cover it.

No, no. Maybe I don't think they do. I don't think they do. No, I don't think they do. And if it doesn't take, you still pay. Right. Which is crazy. Well, that's why, you know,

why am I forgetting his name? Dave Kekner? Yes. So him and his wife are Catholic, and they did IVF, and they fucking hit the lottery. And there was like seven, seven eggs got, got fertilized at the same time. Whoa.

And so, because they're Catholic, they thought of not using any of those as like a boarding because it was like a human life. Oh. So they ended up having all those kids. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many really? I think seven.

Seven kids on 5'AF? Yeah. Wow. Right. The lotto. Yeah. And now they have all seven? That can't be right.

Six or seven, yeah. What? Yeah. That's like the 1800s. You know, they would have 18 kids and then five would die and then three would work. Dude, my grandfather was one of 13 and my wife's, my wife's grandfather was from Ireland and he was one of 13. And then I go back and I go, I've been to Ireland a bunch of times, but when I was 18, I went over there for a while for like a few months. I wanted to write a novel in Ireland.

So I rented a house in the town that my grandfather was from. and my mother told me about like they had an address for where his house was 13 kids I find the house it's a fucking it's like a mud hut with two rooms in it I was like how did you have 13 kids in turn she's like well once the oldest one got to be like 14 15 they had the money to get them over to the states and then they'd get settled they'd make money they'd send it back So 12 of them came over. And they all lived. They all lived.

Good for them. And they're all in Boston, the Bronx. A couple ended up in Montana. Montana. And then, yeah, and then my five million cousins because they had seven kids each. Jesus. Yeah. The Irish.

The Irish. And you're full blown. 99%. I took the ancestor of DNA. What's the one? Asian. the Mongols. Oh, really?

The Mongols fucked everybody. Whoa, but you got a huge hog. So something happened there. Oh, you mean the 1% didn't work against me? It's an Asian dick joke. Sorry. I got to grow up. But yeah, wow.

13. Maybe that's why Irish can adapt so well in New York because they're like, I've got 12 brothers. Yeah, yeah. You think I can have a roommate in Bushwick? Well, that's how they all ended up on the fire. department is one would get in and they you know it's very clannish on the fire department there you go so they all got brought in which what are you french french and italian french and italian

yeah did you see anything in italy that any people you're related to now i'm sicilian but we didn't go there how but uh every italian guy would come up to me and be like did it be do do do and i was like ah i'm american he was like oh sorry i thought you were italian you do look italian so my wife was like that's so hot they thought you were italian yeah that's nice I might try to learn it just so I can go there and chat with people. Do you think you have people in Sicily? Oh, yeah, probably. Really?

Yeah. Dude, you got to go. Should I go to the motherland? Go to the motherland. All right, I don't want to bother anybody. Hey, I'm here. I'm going to go, ah. Dude, I do that in Ireland.

They freak out. Really? They love it. They love their American ancestors. Oh, okay. Yeah. They say you guys are the N-words of Europe. Have you heard that?

Yes. Okay. That was in the movie, The Replacements. Kianu? Did he say it? Wait, that movie, the football movie? No, it was about an Irish band. What am I thinking of?

There's a movie with Gene Hackman and Keanu. Called The Replacements? I believe Peters. Peters. I believe so, but I don't know the band. There was a band one. It was actually a really good movie from the early 80s, and it was about this band,

and they were so good that they actually released the soundtrack. And it was like, you know, a bunch of musicians slash actors that they brought together to play in a band. And they wrote and recorded the songs for the movie, and they put it out as an album, and it ended up being like a chart-topping rock and roll album. This is all news to me. Yeah.

It'll be less news to you when Peters gets in here with the... The Replacements is a movie about football. Thank you. The film about the replacements. What's it called? Color me obsessed. Color me obsessed. Oh, it was a movie about the replace.

The replacement is canner reads playing football. Huh. Okay. But I'll check out this band. By the way, shout out to Gotham podcast productions. I'm here. They produced my show. They have for probably six months now because I came in and I did your podcast.

We might be drunk. And I met them outside and I was like, hey, I think I got to leave my studio. and they were so fucking cool. They reached out, set me up. They take great care of me. He's the best. He goes the extra mile. Not only does he book our pod,

he does like Cinco de Mayo decorations. We'll just walk in there's fucking sombreros and burritos everywhere. Yeah. Then he'll edit shit. He'll cut stuff out. He'll get us. We'll be like, oh, we like that ad, that product. Can you email them and get us a free mattress?

He's like, I'm on it. Really? Yeah. whatever you need, he'll do. He's a jack of a hole. He's so pissed. You're telling me this right now. I know, but I'm just, I'm giving him a shout-out because he's the best producer. No, he did. I had Bobby Kelly when I was in town a couple weeks ago, and we ended up going for like two, which I'm not going to do that to you because you're hungover.

But I lost track of the time, and all of a sudden we had done two hours. So I said, fuck it, let's cut it up and make two out, because my episodes are one hour. Sure. And so I didn't know how to, I go just find a good spot and fade out, I guess. he got AI and he had a producer run in and tackle me to the ground and yeah

and they went out on that and everybody online is like what the fuck happened that's smart and then the next episode was the producer helping me up and sitting me down again yeah he's good

yeah he's good and so gay big fat gay yeah and what's great is that he is married and never talks about it I know, I know. Talk about ED. He doesn't know what he's doing around that clam.

He hasn't thought I had about eating out. Yeah. I was eating out the wife the other day, and she was like, what the hell are you doing down there? Yeah. And I thought, well, it's weird you're telling me what's what, because I've eaten out more women than you. Interesting.

You know what I mean? I've seen way more vaginas than any woman who I've hooked up with as seen. Right. So it's weird, but they have a vagina. Yeah. So I guess they win, but I have more experience. Well, I guess if you are an expert at it and women always go, well, you got to let me tell you what to do. And you're like, all right, do it, but I never get any instruction.

Like I, you've got me down here experimenting. Yes, tell me what to do. Yeah. I'm happy to take a instruction. I have no, I could care less what I'm doing. I just want you to be happy. Exactly. Yeah. I'm not there for my health. I'm there for you. You're definitely not there for your health. No. You get a lot of diseases down there. I'll let to Michael Douglas. Yeah, exactly. So it's just funny that I think the problem is every vagina is different. Yes. Because you think you got it with Susie and then you go over to Tammy and it's a whole different bag of neighbors. Right, right, right. Tammy's got a lot more hair because she's Italian. Right. Pescitelli. Sammy Pescitelli! Where has she been?

I thought of a really funny video to shoot, and I never shoot videos, but since I had Tank Sanatra in here yesterday, do you know, Tanks, Sanatran? I love that, good egg. So he came in, has he been on your show? I've done his show a couple times. I don't know if he's done mine.

That's a good call. So I started thinking about shooting funny videos, and I thought of one today is like, we go to, you know, a ball field, like a little league ball field. And you show up with like four, five, six guys. Everybody's got coolers and jets shirts with no sleeves and people smoking and you sit in the stands.

And then you wait for like a really nice family to start going like, come on, Joey, you can do it. And then you all start cheering for Joey. But like you start placing bats on them. That's fun. Yeah. I like that. You're probably going to scare some parents.

Well, they're going to like, why does Joey hang out with these guys? Yeah. I went to a cockfight in Puerto Rico. Did you really? Yeah, and it was awesome. Me and my wife were like, let's do a crazy vacation in Puerto Rico. It's a two and a half hour flight. It's cheap as hell down there. So we went, I was like, well, we got to go to a cockfight because they're trying really hard to get it illegal.

Yeah. So I think they're kind of going away soon. Right. Pete is all over it. So we went to a cockfight. It is bananas. I mean, it's like out of a movie. They got the Hispanic guys with the straw hat.

shaking money like, I got $2 on this and $2 on that. And they open up a cage and the rooster runs out, the other rooster runs out, and they go at it. Then one rooster dies, and the other rooster keeps pecking his eyeball. And then, you know, a guy in overall scoops him up and they put a little hat on him so he can't peck you. It's crazy.

Damn. Yeah, but it was really cool. Was it like, were there risers? Yes, it was a circle. Yeah. And they had like a hay, you know, middle area. and then it goes up, bleacher style, but it was circular,

and everybody's in there. It looked like farmer guys. Was it indoors? Yeah. Kind of a warehouse. So it's legal there still? Barely. There's all these signs,

like, don't go in. There was protests outside when we went. But, yeah, we just walked right in. I got a big corn on a stick. Did you take pictures? I didn't. Corn on a stick. Yeah, no, there's chicken on a stick.

It was the loser chicken. I wish. I also went and saw a Mexican midget wrestling in a Mexico City what like what do they call that the yeah I know what you're talking about it's like Nacho Libre right they wear the masks and everything yeah lucha va vooom they do a show in LA called lucia vaoom okay and they have comedians do the play-by-play for the Mexican wrestlers oh fun yeah it's like guys like Dana ghoul Dana ghoul is so goddamn funny he is so fucking so quick so quick and like his stand-by-play

up has a different rhythm and cadence to anybody else. And he's smart but silly, which is a great combination. And he can do voices and faces. He's one of these all, every well-rounded guys. And he wrote on the Simpsons for a bunch of years, so he's got a little bit of scratch. Good. I heard he had a rough divorce. Well, is there any other kind?

No, I know a couple of amicals. Yeah. You got to break up when you're poor. Right. That's the move. Right, right. Because people get ugly in a divorce. I feel like I am so, so grateful that I didn't go through that because, like, yeah, just being single and living in a studio and having free time a lot is great.

But once you've tasted marriage and then you go back to that, it just seems like all my friends that are in that place now feel profoundly sad. Oh, 100%. So just stay married, man, no matter what happens. I agree. I agree. Because, you know, the little things you get used to, you come home, my wife's cooking. She's like, hey, how was your day? How great is this?

And the kid runs up and grabs your leg and he's like, dad, dad. And he's like, this is amazing. You're sick and somebody's, like, caring for you. Yes, yes. I was sick about, like, my brother will get sick and Brooklyn, he lives by himself. And I'll be like, sometimes I'll, like, send him stuff, you know, like some soup or whatever. But, no, my. man post post and then every everybody that you meet after that she doesn't want to get serious with

you because she knows she's going to get compared to the X and that you guys had already had like the love at some point there was a love so powerful that you want to share your life and she knows you're not going to that place again because you got burned wait wait you're talking with a new lady the new lady's knowing that you're not going past here got on commitment and passion and, you know, just blind faith. That's not going to be there. Yeah, true. But I will say when I was single, you'd meet a divorce lady on the road.

Yeah. They were the best because they were like, I don't want to do anything. I don't want any relationship. I'm just trying to get pounded and go home. And there wasn't like, what are we? Where's this going? You're going to move here? You're going to move to Buffalo?

No, I'm not moving to Buffalo. Yeah. But a divorce lady is like very real. Reality is set in. Right. I love that. Right. Yeah, I can see that. Also, like, I think even worse than a divorced guy is a widow, because now they didn't even split up. The only reason he's not with her is that she choked on a

chicken wing in Puerto Rico. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. Good point. Yeah. Do you ever have sex with a widow? I think I have, actually, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's got the picture on the bedstand of the husband. She falls as she pushes it down. One time I banged a lady, we don't have to go and do a bunch of bang stories, but I banged a lady in Virginia, and I look at the nightstand,

or the dresser and she had a picture of her with her ex, and it was this big black dude who was like in an army fatigues. And she was like this little blonde lady, and I was like, oh, who's that guy? She's like, oh, that's my ex-husband. And I was like, ah, she goes, don't worry, it was too big. And I go, oh, shut up. You say that to every fucking.

honking in here. But yeah, that was, that was depressing. It's so weird that, like, now they're doing all this, there's a thing called, you know, there's like looks maxing where you try to make your, but there's a thing called vagina maxing now. Oh, that sounds bad. Well, it's like, you know, fully shaving it or grooming it in some special way and then cleaning it out in ways to, yeah.

Ooh, I just, picturing a lemon baller or something here. This is cleaning it out. It sounds like an old garage. Cleaning out. Clean it out. Throw a couple of mothballs in there. And then, like, you know, whitening it. And then they do vaginal rejuvenation,

which is where they tighten it up again. Okay. And I always think, like, guys that are like, I want to really, I want her to tighten it. It's like, well, what do you got a little dick? What are you afraid of a regular size vagina for? Some people do. Well, I'll just say it.

There's a lot of those definitely little dicks out there. Yeah. You don't have a little dick, do you? I'm in the medium range. Yeah. You know, not big, not small. Right. But, you know, I'm 5'10.

Would you love to just be six even? Yeah. That's how I feel with my dick. I got a normal dick, but, you know, you'd want it a little extra. Little extra. Yeah. It'd be nice. My friend Paul Lyons has a micro dick, and he...

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Open about it. I mean, he said his name. He wrote an article for Playgirl magazine about it. Whoa. And he's very kind of proud. Like, my friend walked with him on a nude beach in Martha's Vineyard.

Whoa. And as soon as they got, you know, there's like a demarcation point where he gets nude. And he just immediately took off his bathing suit. And he said, like, everybody stopped. Like, it's literally like a quarter of an inch. Oh. Yeah. You know what's sad now that I have a kid?

The first thing I think about is the parents knew he had a micro dung. And they had to bathe them and change him. Yeah. And they saw that every single time. Yeah. And they're like, this guy's life is going to be harder. Right. Or not harder. Or not harder, yeah.

But, yeah, life's going to be softer, but... Yeah. What do you do there? Is there a woman who is into that? You know, you see some guys who are like a fat lady who's in, like a rascal, 8 million pound lady. They're turned on by that. Yeah.

Is there one or two women in the world who love a micro? Well, I guess you could use a strap on, you know? She could pleasure you. True. A pair of tweezers or, you know. Yeah. And then you pound her with some plastic. I guess you have to.

Yeah. Ah, a micro dick. Do you know my mother listens to my podcast? Wow. Yeah. I'm sorry, Mrs. Fitz. Pat. Patty.

Patty from the Bronx. What's her last name? Maiden. McCarthy. Jesus Christ. Patty McCarthy. God damn. Is she a lepercon?

Patricia Marie Judith McCarthy. From Throg's Neck. Great lady. What was that? Upper past the Bronx? No, it's East Bronx. East Bronx. It's like over by, well, you know, Throg's Neck Bridge?

Yeah, okay, got it. So that's considered New York City. Oh, yeah. So you grew up in New York City? I was born in the Bronx, and then I moved to Tarrytown when I was like nine. Terrytown is like Mayberry. It's great. It's great.

Was it boring as shit? No, no, it's not Mayberry at all. Oh, okay. Tarrytown had a GM plant, so it was actually the most diverse town in New York State. We had all different kinds of people. It had projects downtown. But then at the top of the hill, which is where I lived, we were like middle class.

There was a girls college, Marymount College. We used to go up there and grab their asses all the time. Nice, nice. And we'd run away into the woods. And my mom listens to the podcast. Well, she gets it. She knows you.

But then Rockefeller, Nelson Rockefeller has an estate up there. Nelson, and his father was John D. had an estate up there. So like half the town is held as land, undeveloped land. So there's like a beautiful lake that we used to skate on in the winter. And then you're on the Hudson River. And then you jump on the train and it's 30 minutes to Grand Central Station. Honble, what a childhood.

It was great. Skating on the lake. Skating on the lake. We played hockey. A Rockwell painting. It is. and it's where Washington Irving was from the writer. Legend of Sleepy Hollow was written in Tarrytown about Tarrytown.

That's a great theater too. Oh, yeah, I taped my special there. Oh, nice. Yeah. Yeah, I've done that. It's a killer room. It's a killer room. You can feel that old wood, you know, it's got the great lights.

That's a beauty. Yeah. They actually used it for, did you actually boardwalk empire? Yeah. On HBO, they had a big theater scene and they shot it there. And HBO, it's so crazy. When you look at the budget, I've written on two different HBO shows, and it's not like any other show you've written on. They just have a checkbook and they go, whatever you want.

Oh, man. And so they went into the theater and they replaced all the – here's the details. All the wood, all the doors, everything. And then the light bulbs, they found vintage light bulbs that would have been around in 1930 to put in. the doorknobs had to be vintage from that year, all to shoot like a two-minute scene in the theater. Wow. Yeah.

That's why they're the best, though, I guess. It is the best. But now I think Apple's making a run. HBO is fizzled, I think. Well, they're trying to ride this, there you go. Thank you. They're trying to ride Game of Thrones with all these. And, you know, the second one was awful.

And then this most recent one, did you see that? It's not bad. I didn't love it. It's cute. It's weird. Too cutesy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The jokes were all dumb.

Right. And the guy's like a goof. Yeah. I gave it one episode and I checked out. He's a rugby player from Ireland. He's not even an actor. Yeah, he's not a great actor, and he's too handsome and too ripped. Right.

I don't know, but Apple is killing it. Yeah. They got this new show Widows Bay. I think they... Love it. Did they do severance? Yeah. That's big.

Apple's killer. They got with Ted Lasso. Ted Lassel? They had that great show about John Wilkes Booth. Oh, yeah, right, right. Killer. And I think they've got that show about the therapists with Harrison Ford. Oh, shrinking.

Shrinking. Is that Apple too? I think that's Apple too. See, they're cooking. But Ted Lassow, man, I love the first season. It was kind of a perfect COVID watch because it was like a feel good. We kind of needed it. And then season two was so fucking corny and lame.

Well, he was going through a lot. Ted? Sudakis. What was he going through? Oh, my Lord. So he walked in, apparently walked in on Harry Stiles banging his wife. Damn. Olivia Wild.

Yeah, Wild. And so then... Never marry a woman whose last name was Wild. I know. She's very attractive. Right. And then he divorced her in public. He sent her divorce papers while she was on stage.

was a whole whole to do. Damn. So now they hate each other, and he's like, he's dedicated his whole life to ruining her life, and she's, like, unapologetic about it. I mean, it's crazy. That's a tough divorce. Yeah, so I feel for the guy. Yeah, but I hear he's, I've heard, hearing bad reports about his onset behavior.

Oh, okay, okay. Just recently. All right, I didn't know that. Yeah, I'll have to ask. I got a friend who writes on the show. I'll have to ask you. Oh, geez, okay. Don't get him in trouble.

Her. Her. Sorry. It was so sexist. I told you, I told you season two is no good. All right, let's ask you some questions. Oh, God, it's homework. I got people fucking in my hotel upstairs.

I was trying to concentrate. Like, just going at it. You sure it wasn't porn? No, no, it was like a hard banging against the wall. And it happened last night, then it happened again today. So maybe she's breastfeeding. But you kind of want to get a look at them, don't you? Because you're picturing, it's like the monster in a horror movie.

Yeah. You know, it's almost hotter if you don't see it. Right. But then when you do see it, it's usually not what you want to say. No, it's like a nude beach. It's never the ones you want. It's a microphone day. Yeah.

But it's also, when you're hearing it and you don't know what they look like, that's FOMO. Yes, yes, true. You feel like you're in the wrong room. Right, right. run into someone you talked about on the oh have you ever run into someone that you talked about on the air and it was awkward of course many times who well let's see uh i had a thing i don't want to say who but i had a thing where i made a joke and i was like cut that please that was insulting to

someone and then they forgot to cut it and they got back to the person i had the exact same thing happened. No way. About a month ago, yeah. Oh, God. And then what do you do? You're dead to rights. There's no way out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said the thing, they heard it, and tell the world. We had started the podcast, and then there was a technical, because I have a studio in L.A., and there was a snafu, and so we stopped down, and we were just chit-chatting before we started up again, and that ended, that all got kept in, and we're talking about a comedian who has bad breath. Oh. And it aired, and they tagged them. Oh.

Yeah, and he's a pretty good friend. I guess it could have been, it could have been some pedophilia thing. Yeah. So the bad brother is pretty tame. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But still stings. Yeah.

It's a tough one. How do you tell a friend? Yeah. You know, it's funny, we did a roast for a guy. What was it going to? Rich Voss. No, Nate Bargazzi years ago, but there was another guy on the panel who,

I don't think you know him, but every joke was like, Bob. Bob's got horrible breath Bob's got halotosis every joke and he didn't know he was like I do

and every single comic had a joke about him having bad breath and he was like an intervention that's how he learned so that was pretty ugly whereas somebody could have pulled him aside a couple years ago

and just been like hey man just as a friend we're pussy-ass comics and we did it through the roast but that's the thing is like when you tell that person that does that affect

the relationship from that point forward forever. I think it does. There's a little ding there. It's like a car door that doesn't close right. Yeah. A little close, but it's off. Yeah. It's not, yeah, the car isn't buzzing, but when you're on the highway, there's a hissing sound. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So I was thinking maybe there should be an app where you can let people know things anonymously. Oh, this is great. Yeah. I love this. Like a Venmo, but for a an anonymous secret. Right.

That's good. Yeah. Hey, there's something in your teeth. Send. No, no, I'm just saying like, that's what you can do. Human trials. What the fuck does that mean? Oh, that's your show.

Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. I had this idea. This girl who I know, she books a show in New York. And she goes, I'm working with this production company. If you have any ideas. And on a whim, I'm like, I have this.

crazy idea, but no one likes it. And I told it to her, she was like, oh. And a week later, she goes, I hit up the production company. They all love it. We're going to shoot in two weeks. I said, great. Really? Yeah, and it's a hit.

So it's on YouTube? It's all over YouTube and my Instagram, my TikTok, you know. But yeah. That's so amazing because look at what the pipeline used to be to get a show seen by people. Tell me about it. You have a million stupid executives, vote on it, pay you wait a year for notes. Yep. You just thought of it, and now it's getting seen by his own.

many people as a show that's probably would be on Comedy Central. Exactly. And I pitched this show two streamers years ago or two cable networks and nobody liked it. Really? And then they made it in two seconds and it's got millions of views. I bet they come after you now and they want to put it on their network. Probably. Would you do that? I don't know.

You know, instinctively, someone wants your idea and you're like, how much money? Let's do it. But I got to tell you, YouTube, there's just no notes. We shoot it. We've edited it. We put it out ourselves. it happens instantly. You don't have to wait a year.

You got to wait for the season to start up. You don't have to edit it. There's no censorship notes. So I might just keep it. I think the deal now, the move now is brand deals. Yes. Hey, secret deodorant. Come on by.

Hey, Moleskin notebook. Hey, liquid death, whatever. Right. I love that. Or actually, you could do it specific to who the group. Like, I watched the one with the Asian businessman. Oh, yeah. That was so goddamn funny.

Oh, thanks. And it was, what's his name, who we did your podcast with yesterday? Usama. Usama was really good. He's very charismatic. Yes, yes. But maybe you could get specific ones, like for that one, you could get for Asians like, you know, shark fin, erectile dysfunction, brands. Yeah, right, right.

Good call. Yeah, driving lessons, whatever. Yeah, I like it. Well, congratulations on that. Let that be a lesson to all you young people out there that are waiting to get a network to give you money to do something. Just do it. Do it on a phone and just put it up there.

I know. Fuck them. So you're not making a lot of money now because you just get the ads. Yeah. That's some money though, right? Some money. And this production company's taking all the brunt of it. Like they're doing all the, they're paying for everything.

They are? Yeah, I told them. I was like, I'll give you the idea, but I get to do nothing. I get to be on the show and I'll show. and I'll share it, but I don't want to do anything. That's the key to this business. What about going to a concert? And there's somebody behind you,

and they're singing every word to every song, and you can't hear the singer you pay to hear because they're singing behind you. That's brutal. Yeah, I just went to a Bob Dylan concert on Saturday, and that happened. Ooh, what do you do there? Because you want them to have a good time,

but it's also ruining your time. Well, and once you interact with them, now there's a negative energy in your area. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. And then they might, they could go two ways. They could be like, geez, all right, asshole. Or they could go, fuck him.

I'm singing louder. Yeah. And now your whole concert's ruined. You're right. Now you have to fight. Ugh. And you paid all that money for tickets. I know.

You hired a babysitter. Right. Jesus. I mean, some people do the filming thing. Yeah. They film the entire show. Right in front of you? Yes.

Yeah. Who's going to watch this? So now I'm watching the show through this asshole's phone. Right. But at least that's better than the singing guy. Well, Bob Dylan told people they're not allowed to pull their phones out. Whoa. So there was none of that, which was really cool.

Good for him. Yeah. But I'm sure there's a lot of angry people. But hey, fuck it. Well, Dylan's crowd is a little older and a little more alike. 90% of them would be like, yeah, you're right, Bob. Now, how was the show? Because I've heard he sucks live.

Awful. Okay. Yeah. He's just him just getting gluttonous and doing whatever he wants, self-indulgent. That's what you walk away saying is he just did that concert for him and him only. It was all these deep cuts that I'd never heard of.

And then we finished the concert and my friend is a Dylan fanatic so he actually was into it because he knows all those songs. And he's like, man, all along the watchtower was amazing. I go, he didn't play all along the watchtare. He goes, yeah, it was the first song. I'm like, didn't sound like it to me. Like I, he was, the stage was barely lit.

He's standing at a piano facing you, but he has a hoodie pulled over his face. And he does not move once. Oh. And you can't understand. I understood a dozen words in two hours. I know. He's got the Dillonese where he's like, eh, the water. Yeah.

Come on, man. Yeah. But the good news is we went out, we drove out to the desert. My friend has a house in Palm Springs. So we drove out, we stayed for free. We got tickets for, my friend's a fanatic about waiting to the last minute to get tickets for a show. We got tickets for $39 each. Great seats.

Unbelievable. So there was no stand. Lucinda Williams opened and she's phenomenal. Okay, there you go. You like her, right? I don't know who that is. What do you just like the radiators? I do like the radiators.

Who's Lucinda? I've heard the name. She's like Alt Country. She's been around for years. She's older now. Is she kind of hot? She was in her prime. Car wheels on a gravel road was the big album.

All right, all right. What's the last concert you saw? I saw the Kings of Leon. Oh, nice. Took Shrooms. Uh-huh. What's at the Forest Hill Stadium? Yeah.

Really cool. They did great. But I was on Shrooms, and I couldn't stop staring at a young black security guard who was like on a perch kind of watching everybody, and he didn't get it at all. And I couldn't stop thinking. about him what he thought

of Kings of Leo because I was in my head on the Shrooms so I kind of missed the whole show I am not I love Shrooms I'm not a fan of shrooms

at a concert I've had bad experiences shrooms you have to be like in a low activity area like nature with some friends you love just chilling out

but once there's a lot of stimuli I yeah I'm the same way and the worst part is like I'm gonna go get another beer and then you go out there

in the lobby in that area and somebody recognizes you you and then you're like, hey, how? What do I look like right now? Do I look crazy? But then you're like, you're trying to act normal? Yeah. And it's brutal.

So you're fighting your high instead of drawing your high out. Exactly. Yes. Yes. So, yeah, it's not fun. All right, we're going to do a thing now and then I'll get you out of here called, oh, by the way, I have to apologize.

You invited me to do your show last night at the comedy cellar. Uh-oh. And I had an earlier spot and then I went to your show. and I just, I had a long day. I had done four podcasts, and I did. Four. And the first show that I did, I was just feeling like, like, it was work.

It wasn't fun. Yeah. And then I went to yours, and the crowd was kind of like, they were from a million different countries, and they weren't jelled. And I saw the host go up and kind of straight. There was all these comics waiting to go on, and they were all sitting up top watching. And I didn't want to be watched by a bunch of comics when I wasn't. excited to go on. Okay. And so I, and I was thinking about whether I should go on and the lady's like,

oh yeah, Mark canceled. I was like, yeah, I'm going to cancel. But I hope that doesn't bother you that I did that. No, no. I mean, you were like an ad on anyway. I'm a fan. Yeah. We didn't plug you or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. Good. This is called Fastballs with Fits. All right. Um, me. Who is your worst opener of all time? You want the name? No. Okay. I mean, I had so many bad openers.

I don't want to give too much away, but I had a guy go out, and I said, I'd do 20, 25, and he goes, no problem. You clearly had about eight minutes of material. And after eight minutes and one second, he started going, hey, you guys like Mark? And they were like, yeah, that's why we're here. And he's like, comedy. And they were like, yeah. And he's like, quief. And he started doing my stuff.

Yeah. And he's like, praise. And they went, Allah, you know, just shit I say. And he's like, I'm Kevin Hart. And he started doing this weird interactive thing. Yeah. On the side of stage, fuming. He's a big theater.

And I was like, what the fuck are you doing? I never worked with him again. Wow. It drove me crazy. So he was a guy you invited out. You knew him from the spots in the city and took him out and came a break. Exactly. Yeah.

He was like, ah, he has to do it. I said, what do I care? He's been around. I know the guy. Did you shit on him when he came out? No. I just, I gave him like a cold, like, yeah, yeah. Like, we shook hands.

Right. And then I walk on, I do my thing. But after, I was like, you can't do that. Don't ever do that again. So it was just one show? One show. Yeah. And never again.

I had another guy who we did a theater. And he did a whole thing where he's like, he did about 15 minutes of material and a 30 minute set. And then he was like, he sat down. He goes, guys, my life's been hard lately. It's so nice that you all came out to see me. And I was like, see you. What?

And he did this whole, like, sob story thing where he's like, I've been working so hard. It's great. I finally made it to a theater. Yeah. Holy shit. And the audience was like, good job, man. Yeah.

It was turning like this kind of... Like a one-man show. Yeah, like a make-a-wish thing. Yeah. You made it, buddy. Congrats. And then he brought me up, and I never used him again either.

Wow. Yeah. You ever done a benefit for a cause and they found you to be distasteful? Of course. Yeah. I did a gig in Philly. They bought me a tuxedo.

they took me out in a limo from my house to Philadelphia, beautiful hotel, and it was an award show for the pharmaceutical awards. And I was the host. And I had a stack of cards because I had to nail every pill name and company name. And I was supposed to do 15 minutes up front and then go into the award show. 15 minutes? Up front. That's it. But the thing was like three hours long.

Yeah. You know, but it was just 15 minutes of comedy up front. Then you start going, best sleep aid. Zola, whatever, you know. And I did my 15 minutes. I went back. They shuffled the room to get the projector ready and everything, and they fired me right then.

No. They're like, your act was horrible. The CEO's wife hates you. You're going to get the hell out of the building. Really? Yeah. And I was like, what? I was in the hotel room.

I had a meal. I had the tuxedo on. I had a limo there. Everything was planned to the T, but they hated my act, which had all been approved. Yeah. And they fired me. me right when I was about to go back out and some other guy had to host the show.

Whoa! Yeah, like a rando, like a guy who was an employee. You're on a Greyhound bus back to New York that night. They sent me right back. I had to give him the tuxedo. I had to wear like a white t-shirt and sweatpants and I went back at a limo. How long ago was this? That was probably like eight years ago.

It's good money? Great money. They tried to not pay me. They did? You approved the set? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The wife's a cunt. I did one vibrator joke and she found it offensive.

No way. Yeah. Oh my God. Crazy. So much work leading up to this. Like me looking at the cards and memorizing all the names and everything. Wow. Yeah.

Very humiliating. It's so funny is that you know you're not in the wrong. Yeah. But you don't want to fail. You don't want to fail. Yeah. That was painful. Who is your best gay friend?

Best gay friend. Geez. Uh, Uh, Mateo Lane and I are chummy. We're cool. I don't know if I have a best gay friend. Yeah. Buy?

I feel like when you're in L. Yeah, bye's fine. All right. You get half credit on buy. I got a buy friend from college. Yeah. I feel like a lot of people in New York will go, because I ask this question of everybody.

And it kind of, Matteo Lane is the default guy in New York. Yeah. He's on Broadway now. I know. I just talked to somebody last night who saw him and said he was amazing. He is a talented son of a bee. I mean, he's handsome, he's ripped, he's funny, he can draw, he's positive, he's to talk to, and he can sing.

Yeah, yeah. He speaks eight languages. He's a renaissance man. He's a credit to the homosexuals. Here, here. Have you ever not finished a set on stage besides the story you just told us? I think so, yeah. I try to always do my time.

I did a gig in Florida. I was co-headlining with a guy you know, I'll tell you after. So Florida Black College, we get there. We're the only white people in the room, being this other kid. I mean, there's a rap group on stage. They're doing, they're like spinning a shirt over their head. They're killing. They're just bringing the house down.

The whole auditorium is singing along with them. And it's all black people. All black people. And I remember the little nerdy lady. had a clipboard, and she was like, so it's a very diverse audience. I'm like, no, it's all black. I'm the diversity. There's no diversity here. It's all black. Diversity doesn't mean black. It means different. But these aren't even minorities. They're the majority. Yes, yes, exactly. And is the co-headliner black? No, no, he was a little white kid.

So he was going to do 30. That I was going to do 30. No host. And he was like, I want to get this over with. I'll go first. And I was like, okay, great. So he goes up, gets brutally heckled so harsh that he probably got off in four minutes. Oh. Yeah. He was like, I'm out of here. He's like, fuck you guys. Next up, Mark Norman.

I was like, oh, God, here we go. I didn't know we could do that, by the way. I thought you do your time, you take your lumps, you get your check. Yeah. So he walked. He's like, I won't be treated like this. Fuck you.

I don't have that self-esteem. So I walk up and I'm walking to the mic and a guy goes, look at this fag. Kills. Huge, huge ovation. I even got to the mic yet. So I'm in such a New York state of mine. I was like an alt comic back then.

So I go, geez, man, what if I was actually gay? That's pretty inoffensive. And he goes, no, no, you are. And that got the applause break. That murdered. So I haven't even said a full sentence yet. And this guy's murdering. He's already gotten an applause break.

So I had to do 29 minutes after that, and I bombed for the whole time. And did they heckle you most of that time? Oh, yeah. That was the only times I could get any laughs. Wow. Zinging back. Yeah, yeah. But it was ugly.

All right, I got to find out who the other comic was out. Fair. When's the last time you apologize to somebody? Oh, I apologize daily. Yeah. Yeah, I'm all apologies. Yeah. I did a Shane Gillis.

I did a weekend with him. And the whole time he was doing a music video for a certain musician. And we're talking about it. How cool is that? Oh, my God. I'm blurting my lines, whatever. And I went on my pod and with List and we're like, the whole pod is telling the story. What did you do this weekend?

What happened? So I was like, oh, I was with Gillis. We were at these arenas. He's going to do a music video and beep. Pod comes out. Liz is like, what are you doing? I'm a surprise in that. I was like, I didn't know.

You never told me I was like you were surprised. So we had to edit it out and cut it out, but it already got out there. Yeah. So I apologize profusely. Sounds like you really, your podcast is really stepping on a lot of toes. Well, it's horrible. It's like Quinn says. He's like, you can get in trouble now for things you say and all we do is talk.

Yes. I know. It's a great point. All right. finally, what's the hackiest bit you've ever done? Jesus Christ. That I still do? No, that you've done in your life.

I had a bit when I first started that all the comics mocked me for, but I would say, why do we say it's no picnic when something's easy? Picnics are hard. What are you kidding? You got to bring a basket. You got to sit out in the sun, there's ants, there's leaves and wind. no picnic. Picnics are not easy.

And everybody was like, oh, get out of here. I remember Mike Lawrence went on after one. Yeah, it was pretty brutal. That's one of those bits where you have that thought. And the bit is literally the words that you had in your thought. It was never improved. It was never punched up.

No, but I was so green that it sounded like stand up. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't funny. It sounded like a bad sign fell back. Exactly. That's what I thought. Let's the deal with picnics. Yeah, that's what I thought it was.

I wasn't trying to be funny. I was trying to be a stand-up. And that's what fucked me up. Speaking of you being a stand-up, you're on the road coming up this summer. A lot busy summer. Oh, yeah. East Hampton, New York on July 30th. And then you've got Cleveland, Seattle, Tampa, San Francisco, Houston, Nashville, Pittsburgh.

Go to Mark Norman. with a D. You got that French, normal. Comedy. Yes. And come out and see them live. And honestly, like, you're not going to get a better experience going to see a live stand-up comedy show than seeing you. You were just consistently original and you fucking care.

I mean, it's kind of one of the things that we hit on a few times this podcast is that you give a lot to every show. Maybe for the wrong reasons. But you do it. Yeah, I don't know how these guys don't do it. Like, you know, I jump around the city all the time because I'm trying to hone a bit and fix it. And you're like, oh, you go up so much. I'm like, well, how do you craft material? I don't know.

I thought that's what we were doing here. Yeah. All right. All right. Thanks, man. Ending. Oh, I blew it at the end. I suck.

Breast milk, micro penis. I got nothing. All right. I'll see you all in hell. I'll see you in hell.