Fitzdog Radio - Matt Fulchiron - Episode 1084

Episode Date: January 29, 2025

From Comedy Central, The Late Late Show, TOSH.0 and just off touring with Tom Segura; Matt Fulchiron joins me. We are just a couple of good married guys in Hollywood CA.Follow Matt Fulchiron on Instagram @thefullchargeWatch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMeAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Welcome to Fitts Dog Radio. I'm just back from 11 days in the Arctic freeze of the Midwest, New York City, even Raleigh, North Carolina, which was the last leg of the trip, was fucking freezing. So I'm so happy to be back in LA. I gotta tell you though, I had asthma during the fires and then I left town. Asthma went away, got back today, wheezing again, back on the inhaler. There are some toxic particles flying through the air, they say, all the electricer. There are some toxic particles flying through the air. They say all the electric cars... See? Rest of the country! We're getting... we're dying from our electric cars. The irony, the cruel irony of it. No, but it's bad. The air particles are bad,

but the rest of California is beautiful. It's, I gotta tell you, sometimes I get burnt out and I take my life for granted, and then I go away for 11 days, and I come back with a whole new set of eyes and ears, and I, you know, I've been bundled in three layers and thick hats for the last 11 days and then I come back and I'm in a t-shirt it was a t-shirt today I'm going to play golf in about 20 minutes with my

son and his buddies and then going to a movie with my chick tonight gonna see the Bob Dylan movie it's just a good life people are people are better looking here they just are they're better looking they're healthier restaurants are better I don't know I got a buddy that wants me to come over and take a cold plunge in a sauna tomorrow and then it's just on and on. It's a good life. I got a nice little house. country. Coming back to Wisconsin this coming weekend. So right back into it. Milwaukee, if you're around. What else I had fun I had a I had a blast on don't get me wrong. I love being on the road. And you know, like I stayed in the city in a hotel for a few nights and

then I stayed up at my sister's for I think just a night. Was it one night? Might have been one night. And I love my sister. She's the she's a badass. She's just the coolest chick. She was like my closest friend growing up and through college and she's just one of my favorite people in the world and she bought a bunch of friends out to my show. I was in NIAAC, West NIAAC, New York in a mall and she brought a bunch of people out and there was one particular... the Friday early show was packed. It was sold out and then I snuck all my family in and but they showed up late because we went to dinner first so they were in the back row it's like a 500

seat room and they were their heads were against the wall in the back which isn't bad for me I don't like seeing their faces when I'm on stage talking about fucking their their aunt you know my nephew's there so they're gonna coming on on his aunt's belly he wants to hear about that so but I everybody came out my my buddy Johnny trouble he's the the fire chief in Tarry town where I grew up or he's sleepy hollow and then Kyle McGovern my other buddy who's now a Supreme Court Justice of New York State. He's a judge. My friend Lori came out she gave me a blowjob in a CVS parking lot once. I brought that up on stage even

though I didn't remember that happening but she did I don't know if she was kidding but I I don't think it really happened I I think she made it up Pete Scott was there the great Pete Scott Alex and Linda just tons of friends and all my cousins came all my cousins the the Mulligan some somewhere up from Virginia one took trains in from Long Island into the city and then to somebody else rented a car.

They came from all over. It was really kind of touching and I went out to dinner with them all before which I never go out to dinner before my shows. It's so distracting. It fucks up my head. I don't like it. But when it's family, it's it's good and I loved it. Anyway, then I came to Raleigh and it's... I wouldn't call it the Bible Belt, but it's North Carolina and I was doing a lot of abortion jokes and we had some walkouts. We had it we had a couple people and I always wonder when they walk out on the abortion jokes is it because they had an abortion or that they don't want other people to have them or they just don't want it talked about do they want this issue that

apparently divides our nation even though 70% of people want it to be legal apparently it divides our nation but it shouldn't be discussed or maybe by a comedian. Who else is gonna talk about it? So I'm back got to watch a lot of football yesterday. Chiefs look good. Real good. Eagles look real good. It's gonna be an amazing Super Bowl. Excuse me I got some snot. I'm gonna watch it alone I'm not into watching football games with other people especially not the Super Bowl. I will with my wife she can watch if my son wants to come over great daughter won't she won't sit down for football. All

right let's get to it. We'll get to my guest in a second, but there's a lot of overheards I want to get to real quick. Overheards! I don't think we have a sting for that, but that's what it would sound like. Overheards!

Did you hear that? Edward Farrell said, he overheard somebody say you can buy that at the dollar store for a dollar. Which, by the way, is unusual. I've been to the dollar store recently and they have shit that's two dollars. They have stuff that's three dollars.

It's a misnomer. It's like saying I'm going to Burger King. He's not the king. He's a fucking he's a he's a methamphetamine addict who's trying to make minimum wage. He's not a king. He thinks he's a king sometimes in an alley behind the Burger King after he gets his check. He's royalty. Oh yeah. And then we got, I don't even know who wrote this in, but you'll know you'll know who you are. While attempting to study car electricity, I overheard the following interaction between a Starbucks barista and a lady customer Lady customer said what's the code for the restroom door?

barista said five eight nine four five five eight nine Five nine eight four five. Thank you. No five eight nine four five five nine eight four five five eight nine four five customer five eight nine four five thank you five nine eight four five barista five eight nine four five what five eight nine four five thank you five eight four nine five at that point at that point I couldn't take it anywhere I got out walked over unlocked the damn door blocked it with the deadbolt and did a quick whistle to the lady she laughed and scored scooted

towards the loo yeah I've I can't remember that many numbers now I can't remember that many numbers. No, I can six. I realize I can remember six numbers but seven is impossible for me. Phone numbers are impossible. They need to be written down. My hotel room numbers I remember for weeks. I don't know why but I was just in room 630 and then I was in room 415 when I was in Nyack and then when I was in the city I was in room 231 and I will remember those numbers for we I don't know why they stick in my head because they have to. Paul Gillul in County Clare, Ireland said two lads in Tralee talking about their night out on the Lash the night before. One of the

lads over-consumed and said, quote, I would have been a fair bit disappointed in myself if I died last night. Huh. Oh, the Irish. Sometimes I guess you're that hung over where you wish you could die. I don't miss that. I haven't drank in 35 years and I do not miss hangovers and apparently people tell me that if I were to start drinking again I wouldn't last because the hangovers are so much worse when you get older. Everything's worse when you get older. Jesus. Brian G says guy number one said if you're sick you should take iron. Guy number two says what's iron do? Guy number one confidently well it gives you the nutrition. Okay? Most people that want to talk about nutrition like I don't know

how much I believe in supplements. I do take Lion's Mane for my brain. I take vitamin C. I take D12. I mean I do it, but I don't know. There's a lot of experts that say it's all rubbish. Eat vegetables and shut the fuck up. And then you got guys like Rogan who swears that these pills will enhance your life, make your body better, make you laugh. I don't know if I'm gonna last longer. I'm gonna last as long as I'm meant to last. I don't need to extend this. Life's fine, but it's not for... it shouldn't last more than 82 years. That's... that's... it's a bit much. Don't you think? 83? This 82 went out. Brandon Reed said he overheard in Oakland at 7am a person walking by on their phone, quote,

I don't fuck with marshmallows. I'm with you. I do not fuck with marshmallows either. I think they're for children. If you're an adult and you're eating marshmallows, then you need to see a psychiatrist about your arrested development. Marshmallows are for children. You can sell t-shirts after my shows. This is from Danny Mitchell who said, at Fitts Dogg's Thursday night Tulsa show party of six fat chicks celebrating a birthday, the fattest one says oh my god why are jokes always so funny

well first of all I don't know why we need to know that the women are overweight or that the largest of them said this but I appreciate it Tulsa's not a skinny town. Don't kid yourselves Tulsa Tulsa's got some girth Darren Johnson said Always say he saw the movie the road dog and he went on and on about how much if you like if you like Doug if you like Doug Stan Hope why did I forget his name for a second? He's the star of the movie. I have a small

part. Doug is amazing and this guy says it's the Leaving Las Vegas for comedians. It's free on Tubi and all that. What's the last one? All right, that's it. All right, let's get to it. Speaking of Milwaukee, I'll be there at the Improv January 31st through February 2nd. Then I'll be at Brad Garrett's Club in Vegas, February 10th through the 16th. Fontana, California at Stage Red, February 22nd. Atlanta Punchline, first week of March. St. Patrick's Day show at the Hollywood Improv March 15th and then I'm coming to Ontario, Toronto, Pittsburgh, Tampa, La Jolla, Boston. Go to FitzDog.com, get some tickets, come out, see some live shows. We've been doing

good lately selling out a bunch of them. My guest today is a guy I've become good friends with over the last year. We've been developing a script for Bill Burr. He's a fine comedian. He is out on the road. He's got a tour. We're gonna talk about that. He's got a podcast called Full Charge Power Hour. You've seen him on Comedy Central Presents, Live at Gotham, The Late Late Show on CBS, Last Comic Standing, Tosh.0, Last Call with with Carson Daly. He's done it all. He's been on Joe Rogan's podcast. So I know you'll love him. We talked for a bit, had a lot of laughs. Please say hello to Matt Matt Fulcheron. Ladies and gentlemen, it's not often that I introduce somebody that I have spent as much

time on Zoom with as I have with this next channel. Matt Fulcheron, welcome. Great to be here, Greg. Thank you for having me. Do you know when you're on my radar as far as history is concerned, as far as like working together and stuff like that. You don't remember. I do because... Have you never brought this up before? What's that? Have you never brought this up before? I've never brought it up. I've brought up some of it, but I'll take you through it, because I remember. Please, please.

So, we did a show together on Third Street, and it was booked by the Craig Kilborn guys in like 2000 or 1999. And I remember- Wow. I was just starting, and they saw me at the Westwood Bruko, and they remember I was just starting and they saw me at the Westwood Brew Co and they thought I was hot shit and they had me on and it was for all like their family or their wives or co-workers or whatever. The Craig Kilborn show? Well the gig I was on on Third Street I didn't do a Kilborn show yeah they got

my information I'm like cool I'm doing the Kilborn show yeah yeah like no you're doing this gig on Third Street. And I went up. I didn't really know how to do a show with civilians in it yet. I was used to performing for comics. Little Rocky for me. You showed up, fucking crushed.

I think you talked about Vince Champ or some other rapists. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I remember that. And then we worked, I am see. But the Vince Champ story, just to refresh people's memory.

Vince Champ was a comedian, and I had an agent out of Chicago, and his name was, well, there was Scott Bass, but there was a guy, Areo professional artists? Doesn't matter. The guy has a roster of comics.

Bill Burr is one of them. Kevin Brennan is one of them. And so we got to know each other because a lot of times we would do gigs together. So there's a guy named Vince Champ. Right. Black guy from the Midwest, very clean cut, clean act, sweet guy, and I would work with him,

and I must have worked with him three times. I specifically remember, because you'd always go out afterwards. You're in Des Moines, Iowa, or a really small town in North Dakota, and let's go to the fucking Bennegan's. Yeah. And tear it up. Tear it up. Everybody order an app. Yeah because the students would take you. Right. And they had an expense account you can get whatever you wanted and we were Bro Comics at the time. Oh yeah. Yeah that's why we're at

the college gig in the first place. Oh my god they were they were life rafts to us when we were starting out. They paid better than other gigs. You had 800 bucks. Yeah. And then you try to line up five or six in a week and just rent a car and rafs to us when we were starting out. Those big checks. They paid better than other gigs. You get 800 bucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you try to line up five or six in a week and just rent a car and come home with four grand in your pocket. There's your spring. There's your fucking February.

That's it. There's you can stay in town for the rest of the month. Beautiful. So anyway, I specifically remember, I would always say to Vince Jam, hey, let's go grab a burger. And he'd be like, nah, man, I'm gonna dip. I got stuff to do and I'm doing stuff to do, like what?

In South Dakota? South Dakota. And so then I found out later that Vince Champ is a notorious serial rapist. And not like a date rape. We're talking, grabbing people and pushing them in the bushes kind of rapists. And the reason they figured it out is that I think when

DNA evidence, I don't know how they got his DNA, somehow they traced DNA evidence and they pieced together his club dates over the past 10 years. And he would never do it in the town he was in. He would drive two or three hours, commit the crime, and then go to the next place. That's diabolical. Diabolo, and on cruise ships that he was working. Oh my God.

Can you even get arrested for crimes on cruise ships? No, those didn't count And that crazy. Yeah, but then he so he goes to jail for many many years and And so I'm I go to a gig it was in Wisconsin and I'm about to go on and I always ask them before I go on Is there anything to? Like was there a racial incident on campus or did the football team whatever? So they go, it's a woman and she goes, yeah, don't bring up rape. And I said why shouldn't I bring up rape? And she goes, well we had Vince Champ here and he went nearby and he... so I go, so let me get this straight. You called Areo Professional Artists, you booked a comedian, he raped, and then you

called him back and asked if they had any other comedians? What else you got? You know, shoplifters? His signature is still on a brick at the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach. Really? Yeah, still up there. They haven't gone over it because I think they kind of respect history over there. Damn. But I mean, hey, never forget, right? Never forget.

If we wash over it, people might forget. That's right. That's right. And yeah, sorry. You had a good like five minutes on it or like three minutes on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember I had a lot like five minutes on it, or like three minutes on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember I had a lot on Vince Champ. I was kind of obsessed with it.

Right. I was so disturbed. Yeah. All right, so what was the next one? Okay, so then I'm emceeing for you at the San Francisco Punchline in January of 2007. And the only reason I think you might remember it is because you were taping a CD, kind of by yourself. And around Saturday, that's like a Wednesday through Saturday. So around Friday maybe you came up to me and you're like,

hey, when you introduced me, can you act like you're excited that I'm coming up? And it just snapped. It know, it woke me up. Sometimes you're not aware of how you're doing the professional part of a job. And I go, oh yeah, yeah, of course, man, I'm sorry. And you kind of gave me a little, because I think Molly overheard,

and you're like, no, that's good, it's a thing, it's a thing, you actually, you just want to be here, it's cool, you know? And yeah, that happened to me at, I went out. That was the, that's the tough thing about hosting is, it is true, it's the hardest gig. People think the headliner has the hard job. MC goes up onto a cold stage, people are still arriving.

This is when all the drink orders are going in. This is where people are kind of acclimating themselves to being in an audience. They're trying to feel out, if these people are laughing, then I'll laugh and all that. So you gotta go up and say you're a lower energy comic and you gotta go up in a situation that really requires high energy company.

And it requires you to do crowd work, which maybe you don't do or like to do. And so you're forced to wear all these hats and you've only got 10 minutes, if that. And then you've got to suddenly be an introducer of somebody, which may not be your energy also. And well, I would get way, when I was emceeing, get way more nervous about the announcements between the feature act and the headliner than actually doing the set. Cause I'm like, oh, I gotta get this website.

I gotta do this. I got it. You know, because- And some guys, like, some guys you go, what do you want for an intro? And they go, been on the Tonight Show three times and, you know, at Conan once. Right.

Got it. Other guys, it's like their IMDB page. Totally, and this was my favorite when I was MCing, was like, I got a movie coming out called Juana Man. But you never heard of the movie, right? Right, right. You don't know how to spell Juana. So you're just like, and one time,

I don't even know if I should tell this. One time I was introducing David Allen Greer and I almost said Tommy Davidson. Oh well, let's understand. Because they were both on a living comma. And I was like, that would have been the end of my life. Yeah. If I did that, you know what I mean?

Oh my God. Because there was a panic. I was like, what's his name? Yeah. Like that's all you need to know. Right. One time I was introducing Todd Glass and I totally spaced and I just go,

ladies and gentlemen, Todd Glass. And he walked on stage. He goes that's my intro That's my intro. He sent me back out That's perfect for him. Yeah, he likes to keep it loose like that. No, I've done that with MCs Yeah, I've called them back up as a joke to do it again and they love it. Of course, because they think it's hilarious. They want the second chance, by the way. And they want the audience to know, I'm buddies with the headliner. We fool around. We're friends.

I'm not just this jerk off that you ignore for five minutes. It tells fun because when he finishes his headliner set, he'll bring up the MC and the feature or one of them and then just fuck around for a while. Yeah, no, that looks like fun. Which is really cool, yeah. But no, it's a tough gig. And I remember there's a woman who's a really good comic in LA called Jen Psaki. Yeah.

And I forget how it's spelled, but I've said Sochi, I've said Soki, I've said it wrong so many and I literally will say to her before I go on, now which is which is sock and she'll say yes socky like the ball socky. Yeah. And then I'll go up and because I fucked it up once. Yeah. Is that funny how you freeze up when you've done something wrong once? Dude, I messed up on my podcast. I'm still nervous to say her name. I've known her for 20 years. Christina Pajitsky.

Oh yeah. When she changed her name to Christina P. Move the mic a little more in front of you. When she changed her name to Christina P., I was like, thank Christ in heaven. I know. I'm like, I can do that. Is it Pajitsky? Pajitsky, I believe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah, I fucked it up a few times too. But I'm self-conscious. And also, it's embarrassing, is that the comedy store, you're bringing up people I've known for decades. And I'm like, I don't think I know how to pronounce their name though.

And then I'm thinking about it too much and I say the wrong... Or I mispronounce it. And they're like, I thought we knew each other. There's that weird moment. I thought we knew each other right weird moment like I thought we knew each other yeah we had on the podcast dual it's dual say Sloan and it's spelled DULCE so I think I said dull say yeah and she corrected me and I immediately was on my back foot in the interview because you feel like you don't know feels like you don't know.

Feels like you didn't do your homework. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your research work. Right, right, right. Yeah, I was auditioning to be on Chelsea lately. To be the announcer. Oh, no kidding. Bringing it back to my announcing skills.

That's a good gig. It would have been a great gig and it was the same deal. I did it and they go, okay, Matt, now do it like you want them to watch the show. She's like, oh shit, it's Fitzsimmons all over again. Yeah, that's hilarious. That's a good gig because I worked on a talk show once. It was a daily talk show gig because I worked on a talk show once. It was a daily talk show and the guy that did the announcing, he was a comic and he came in for an hour a day and it was after it. It was union work. So there was a minimum pay. It was like 800 bucks a day, five days a week and he got all his health benefits, pension. He was there for nine years, every week.

That's funny, because that's considered a long job in showbiz, in freelance work. Like you'd be like, if you told somebody from the Midwest, the job lasted nine years. They'd be like, how about 35? Or is it even like that in the Midwest anymore? I feel like everyone's, I feel like people don't have unions and shit like that in the Midwest anymore. I feel like everyone's, I feel like people don't have

like unions and shit like that. Unions are going away. Pensions are totally going away. It used to be they paid you a pension. Now they open an account for you so you can pay into your own pension. But I've been in the Writers Guild for 17 years, or I've paid into it 17 years. And I got a sweet pension coming up. Yeah, and I'm taking it early. You can, you can, I can take it now if I want. Yeah. And so I got Social Security, which I've been paying into for 35 years. I got my WGA pension. I own my house. We have a rental unit that we get rent from every month.

Beautiful. And no debts. Dude, you're not going anywhere. You're staying right here in California. You set up. You won. You won life. I somehow, it happened about two years ago

when my kids got out of college and I was like, I think I did it. Yeah, no, you did it. I think I did it. With room to spare. Not a lot of room to spare, but I can live a decent life. I can take a couple trips a year. A lot of us comics, it's like two minute warning on the clock.

It's like, oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. We got it together. But the thing is, my pedal's been on the fucking accelerator for 35 years straight. Absolutely. I've been listening to episodes of this podcast and what, you started when you were 20? Yeah, in college. Doing stand-up comedy?

Yeah. When did you start? How old were you? I started when I was almost 24. And I was on the slow boat to China, like just doing, like you would never recommend to do a comedy career the way I did it. I started in LA and the upside was there was open mics every night.

And so I did open mics for like three years. And it was the late 90s. Starting at 24. Starting at 24. And it was a different time where like, I don't know, at least in LA, stand up itself was kinda dead. And like I'm just doing these open mics and then after a while I'm like, oh, I should try to

do this at a club. And after three years I got into the improv and immediately started working all the improv. So but I mean, I think I waited the proper amount of time. Who was your class coming up? Who were the comics that started Zach Time? My real class coming up, when I first got here, it was Sam Tripoli. And a guy named, you might not know him, Brett Gilbert. You saw Bob Oshaq around.

Oh, love Bob Oshaq. Jason Galearn was around. Those are both very interesting comics. Totally nice guys too. Yeah, yeah. Totally. Oshaq went the writing direction. He's been very successful as a writer.

I know, he works for Bill Marshow, I think. I see his name. I'm like, that's the guy! Right. You know, he was always so funny. I think he might have started as warmup on the show and then got hired to write for it. Good for him, that doesn't always happen. It happened to me on Bill Marshow.

Oh, that's awesome. Back when it was politically incorrect in New York, I was the warmup guy and Bill saw my act and he hired me as a writer. That's beautiful, man. It was my first writing job, yeah. Good for you. That's great. So It's my first writing job, yeah. Good for you, that's great.

So OSHAQ was. And then later in my class was, it was like a good group of guys. It was me, Tom Segura, Ryan Sickler, Jay Larson, and a guy named Carl DiGregario. Uh-huh, people fucked his name up on stage. Big time, I almost did. You saw that concentration.

Yes, he looked off in the other direction. I said, I better get this right. Yeah, you twitched. Yeah, totally. But yeah, no, that was around like 2005. We all started to like, we could feel that we were starting to get some momentum. We could feel that people were starting to pay attention.

And we all were kind of at the same place at the same time like enjoying it amongst ourselves. Now when you saw Segura, because he's playing arenas now, did you see something early on that you said this guy's special? The reason I thought Tom was special is because it was, you know, I was maybe seven years in after my first open mic and he had just started and he was already funny. Like he was already had like 10 minutes that were great. And I'm like, oh, this dude just started? So in that respect, I was like, this is pretty amazing.

And he was just up to speed right away. You know, he's got like leadership qualities. So like he can look at, I worked for him actually, like logging tapes for a reality show. Oh really? And so he was the boss though. You know how most comics are like, I'm just doing this, goodbye, but Tom was the boss. Yeah. And I see him now, he's like, he runs this big business.

He runs a corporation. He runs a television studio. Dude, it's not, it's no joke. I mean, I've been to that. I've been to a studio in Austin and it is a floor of an office building. And there is it's a beehive. Yeah, everybody's hustling and working and coming to him. And yes, this no, that dude, like if he wasn't a comedian,

he would be running a Fortune 500. You totally get that impression. That's how I met him. I worked for him and I quit in the worst way. I was working nights. He let me log tape for this reality show from 11 p.m. to 8 in the morning. Which was great because I was in a band and I did stand up and so I needed that time at night to do it.

Yeah. But also that's the worst hours to work. Like I just kind of lost my mind a little bit. You're just alone, I would imagine. Alone and you think you can sleep during the day, but you really can't. Not that well. Right.

I mean of course there's the land at the hotel, sneak in an hour of sleep and then go to the gig. That's different. Trying to get eight hours during the day is. So I didn't know you were in a band. What was the band? I was in a band. We never got past practice.

Oh. But the good news is the drummer is now my podcast host. Okay. So on the full charge power hour, my podcast. But anyway, long story short, I had like a rough 30th birthday. My roommate brought this girl I like to my birthday party and kind of made out with her in front of me. I felt like shit. Yeah. And I was turning 30. And I know what the fuck I was doing with my life. Right.

Even though I was doing stand up, I wasn't getting anywhere or anything. And my cousin came by for dinner before I went to work and I had a couple drinks with her. And then at 3 a.m. at the tape logging thing, I just sent Tom an email that was like, yeah, I quit, man. I'm out of here. And I just walked out and just like, I just went away, which is weird for me. I'm a very responsible guy.

But at 30, I hadn't gotten anywhere and I felt like fuck all this being responsible. Like I saw, I see all these dirtbag comics acting up and like, and the world is their oyster, I'm gonna start to become a fuck up. Didn't work out so well. The point is, it's weird, Tom has taken me all over the world as an opening act.

And I didn't know it was Tom Segura. Like I totally fucked him over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was such a responsible adult at the time. I came to pick up a paycheck and he was like, he's like, come on, let's go outside and talk. He lit up a cigarette and he's like, I think it was really terrible the way you quit

and everything. And I was like, yeah, yeah. And I got like so self-conscious that I just started laughing and he started laughing too yeah and at the time I thought we were sharing a laugh at how like awkward it was but now that I know him I know he was laughing at me like this guy's fucking crazy like this guy's fucking crazy I'm never taking this guy on tour yeah and there I am in Japan fucking hanging with Tom yeah you do some pretty sweet tours. You go out with Tom, and who else do you go out with? Tosh?

I used to go out with Daniel Tosh all the time, which was really fun. It was that sweet spot, especially for his career, where social media hadn't really taken over yet. It was just kind of all about the stand-up comedy. And he had kind of a nerdy, intellectual audience. And it was just kind of like all about the standup comedy. Yeah. And he had kind of like a nerdy intellectual audience. And it was just so awesome. It was the first time I got to play theaters or anything.

And it was just. Do you meet a lot of girls on the tour? Not a lot of girls because that's the diff, it was like theaters by the time I started working with them. So you're not, you're not walking into the bar area of the theater. You're just kind of backstage and you're also there to be good company to Tosh. And I had a girlfriend for most of that run. So it was like, the answer's no.

Oh, okay. Yeah, because he seems like the kind of guy that attracts a lot of attractive women to his audience. Right. But he had a girlfriend at the time too. No capitalizing on it. My opener is a guy, I don't know if I should say his name. You're talking about Dean? Oh, sorry, am I not supposed to say his name? Dean Del Rey is not my guy.

Oh, no, I thought you were talking about a guy named. Yeah, DC? Is this the initials? Yeah, you were talking about a guy named. Yeah, DC, is this the initials? Yeah, you were talking about on the Ian Bag episode. Oh, okay. Oh, and I described what he's like on the road? It's a different name now that I remember. Yeah, he gets laid a lot.

He gets laid, not just once, several times in the weekend. And he's not, he's not an operator, he doesn't seem to be an operator, he's a laid back dude, just a skinny black guy from the Midwest. I'm listening. And he just like, it just happens. Yeah. I saw one time, this girl came out

and she was with her father, and they came to the merch table, and the father's with his daughter and they take a picture and then the father goes, I gotta go to the bathroom. And they exchanged numbers and he told me the next night that she hooked up with him now. Right. That did happen to me one time. A girl came up to me in Miami and first of all, I had accidentally stood up Bobby Slayton for dinner.

He's like, let's go to dinner tomorrow night. I'm like, all right, great. I'm just starting to do the road. I love Bobby Slayton. I go, what's your room number? I'll call you. He's like, Slayton. I'm like, no, what's your room number?

I'm going to call him. He's like, Slayton, ask for Bobby Slayton. Like you dumb fuck. And I asked for Bobby Slayton at his hotel and they wouldn't put me through. Of course. Right. So then I finally get him on the phone at some point

and he's just like, he's like, I waited till four o'clock and then I was just like, fuck him. He goes, and he goes, you should have come out. He's like, juicy steaks, ice cold beers, you fucked up. And then at the club I see him, he's like, don't even talk to me. And I'm like, dude, what the fuck? I'm trying to explain it, he's not having it.

I'm talking to this pretty girl afterwards and he's trying to cock block block me even though he's married. I say this with love, I love Bobby Slayton and then at one point she, this happens with attractive women, they're always losing their purse or something and she's like, I lost my purse and Bobby's all over the club looking for the purse and I'm like, no, I'm just sitting here, I'm not getting backed up and all this. Then she takes off and some other girl comes up with her dad and and Like he's kind of earshot and she gives me the number and we're hanging out

I'm working there the next week with dice clay, which I got fired from by the way This is a nice thing. This was it the Miami improv Miami right right? Yeah, and and so but I'm there for like a whole nother week and so now I got my This was it, the Miami improv. Oh, Miami, right, right. Yeah. But I'm there for a whole nother week. And so now I got my Miami girlfriend. It was beautiful times to be alive. That's a good week. That's a good week.

Yeah, I was always married or dating my girlfriend since I was 30. So in my 20s, I wasn't big enough to really attract women. And then I met my wife when I was 30. And I was like, fuck, because I knew when I met her, and things were just happening for me. And I knew when I met her that she was gonna be my wife.

I said it to her friend. Her friend introduced us. I said, I'm marrying your friend. And you had a long-term girlfriend right before that, right? Yeah. So it hits you like a ton of bricks. You're like, that's what it's supposed to be like. You're like, this vibe. I had six months in between where I had my own apartment in New York City. I had just done Letterman. I had a lot of stuff going on and it was good. It was really good. And

then I meet her and I'm like, fuck, I wanted another year of this. Yeah, nope, you gotta lock it down now. And I wanted to marry her right away, but then I said, I gotta know, cause I had cheated on my ex-girlfriends. And I was like, I can't do that to her. I can't do that to myself. Like I just, you know, so I gotta see if I can do this.

Yeah. So we start dating and I say, all right, I'm going to give myself like two years. See if I can do it for two years. And the next week, I get a job hosting a game show on MTV, which lasts for two seasons, which means I'm doing college shows and now I'm making big money and I got tons of girls in the audience and I managed, I got through two years of that. That's love. I was like, all right, now I know we can get married. Then I proposed.

Right, that's beautiful. And I've since cheated on her like it's a varsity sport. You have to. Yeah. I mean, I did those two years. You gotta stay sane. After that two years, being a good guy. Well, also look at me now,

cheating now, it's a much higher threshold. The bar is a lot higher for me to get a woman. Oh dude, it gets harder. Who knew? She can't begrudge me that. You deserve it. Yeah, I deserve it. You work hard.

I earned it. Your house is paid off. You have no debt. Yeah, right, if I divorce now, you know. Yeah, you have four locked gates. I'm kidding, I love my wife. I assumed. I am, Jesus Christ.

I don't, I'm trying to think. I know one friend of mine who cheats on his wife and he's totally comfortable with it. He doesn't do it a lot, but when he does, he's just like, yeah, it was great. I met somebody recently who was just like, yeah, I finally found my soulmate side piece. Really? He's got a wife, he's like, but I finally found who's going to be my side piece for

like forever. No shit. Like committing to a side piece. Really? Yeah, he's like, I'm in love. She was comfortable with the role? I suppose. I didn't ask too much. It made me a little uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah's like, I'm in love. She was comfortable with the role? I suppose. I didn't ask too much.

It made me a little uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah. You know? Right. Italian? But I thought it was hilarious. I don't think he's Italian, but he's definitely East Coast, like the East Coast flavor. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it seems to me that the previous generation, you may even have to go back two generations, the side piece was almost accepted by everybody. The wives, everybody. Yeah, Fridays were for wives, but Saturdays were always for girlfriends.

That's some good fellas, right? Yep, and my dad didn't cheat. I would've known. Yeah, I don't think my dad did either. Yeah. But what if, say you wanted to try having sex with a guy. Okay. Do you think your wife would be like, well, it's a life experience you've never had.

I'll give you a pass on a guy. My wife would consider it. She would. She's like cool like that. Yeah. And she constantly brings up like cheating to the point where I'm like, do you want me to cheat? Oh really? She's always pointing out other women or like, you know that bullshit where you have a list of celebrities you could bet? Yeah. She's always asking me to add to it or create it. I never, I'm there, I go,

I got no list. I got no list. Yeah. Like I got married at 47. I'm not looking to play the field. I got no list. Like I got married at 47, I'm not looking to play the field. And I'm smart enough to know it's A, a bad idea to really cheat, but B, like why even joke about it? Because I feel like things are gonna come back and bite you in the ass sooner or later. Because then, like one time I had like a bottle of, if she finds something in the house

that she doesn't recognize, she thinks I'm cheating. Like I had a bottle of her conditioner on my end table one time and she was just like, what's that? I'm like, it's conditioner. She's like, why is it in here? She had been out of town. Why is it in here? I'm like, I was using it to jerk off.

And she's just like, oh, thank God. Thank God you're only jerking off. I'm not only jerking off, it's hilarious. I'm not only jerking off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Pandora's box when you're gone. She's like, why is your pubic hair so shiny and soft? I can put a comb right through it, a brush. Oh, yeah.

Whatever. And I heard you and Ian talking about this. You never trim your pubes or anything when your wife is out of town. Nope. Or when you're out of town because it's like. Red flag. Right yeah right and come when she comes back be horny. Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah. Be sex star. Sure. When I come off the road I throw a move right away. It's not gonna be accepted generally. Sure. But you throw

it. Yeah the suggestion, the effort. Yeah I think it's it's thought. The passion. Yeah yeah. A thought a passionate and then a pass, but it's an appreciative pass. Oh man, you gotta show appreciation. Yeah. That's something I didn't know as a young man. Right. Like just put the, they tell you exactly what

they want you to do. Not in the moment. Yeah. But like, oh, you know, treat her like she's the most beautiful woman in the world, which my wife is. She was standing naked today. She got up and she was putting her clothes on

and I grabbed her from behind and I rolled over onto the bed with her on top of me and was grabbing her tits and she was squirming and saying, get off of me, but she was laughing. And I knew we weren't gonna have sex, but I just got off the road. She needs that. She needs some attention.

She needs to know that you wanna fuck her. Right. And when did you first start thinking about having sex with a man? About five minutes ago. I think your producer can actually lock it down to what time of day it was. Would she consider a three-way or have you had a three-way with her?

She would, but I'm not messing with that. What's the closest you came to it with her? With her? Her suggesting that it would be okay if we did. She did. Or like her pointing out a certain bartender in Brooklyn. Really? But I'm too smart for all that. That's not gonna go well.

In what way? I don't think it's good for a relationship. Lay out the scenarios for me. She sees me enjoying myself. Yeah. She's fine with the idea. Ha ha ha, wouldn't that be cute? I'm open-minded, I'm a woman of 2025

Yeah, then she actually sees it. Yeah, she's like you like her more than me, right that type of scenario Yeah, because you while making love to this other woman you have to make sure you're showing and meanwhile that's like You know pulling up to a Ferrari dealership in a Miata and being excited about the new Mustang. Sure. But the Miata's watching you like, oh, I guess we're all paid off, but I guess it's not good enough for you.

I mean, when I think about the positions, they have to almost always involve eye contact with your wife. You have to put a lot of effort into it, and you have to make sure that she feels like she's the most important person there and at that point it's like why even bother? Well in a three-way... It's overrated in the first place by the way. Have you had three ways? I have just one. Who is the other guy? Do you know Louis C.K.? You're friends with him, right? So yeah, I've actually had the Devil's Three Way twice.

Oh yeah? The two guys. They're the Cavanaugh. Oh yeah, I think you told me. Some call it the Cavanaugh now. Yeah. And it's not bad. It's not bad.

It's a young man's sport. Sure. These are all young man's sports. Yes. But I think with the three-way, not everybody's being gratified at all times. Sometimes you're like a caddy. And so you got to make sure your wife's not the caddy.

There needs to always be somebody making her happy. Yeah, for sure. And that gets complicated. Yes. You've got to plan this. Yeah. Like a video production. Now I remember there was a great Seinfeld episode where Jerry and George are planning a three-way for Jerry to have.

Yeah. And George had stayed up all night and he had flow charts. Like in an old movie. Pie charts. And he showed up the next day, his hair is ruffled, his shirt's fucked up, and he's got these graphs, and he shows Jerry how it can work, and then he looks at me and he goes, do you ever get on your knees and thank God

that you have access to my dementia? I love it. Greatest line in Seinfeld history. And I love when the three-way gets approved, and he's like, I'm not gonna do it. And he's like, I would need robes and lotions and orgy friends. Right, right. Yeah.

You know, I don't think you can plan a three-way. I think a three-way just has to happen. Unless you're the guy, like my wife said to me that she'd be up for it as long as it happened spontaneously. Okay. And we got real close one night. We were at this, it was like a premiere party and it was cocktail, a cocktail lounge.

It was dark, it was cool music and it had a good vibe. And this publicist comes over and she's in like a sexy, black mini skirt suit, you know? And she sits down with us, but she's focusing on my wife. Right. And my wife is super hot. Yeah. Hotter than your wife.

And she puts her hand on my wife's knee and I go, all right, I need to keep this going. So I keep going to the bar and bringing drinks up, bringing drinks, this is going on for like 45 minutes. And I'm ready to go, like, all right, let's get to the valet, let's figure out the car, I'm planning whose car we're gonna take, do we go to a hotel?

I was thinking hotel. Sure. And then some, it was like who was it that came over? I can't remember the celebrity came over who was a client and fucking yanked her out so that he could talk about his sketch and it just was over. And so I thought to myself the move is I go to a high-end escort agency. And I hire a woman and I tell her what restaurant we're gonna be at.

And then have her show up and flirt with us. And then it's an easy close. Right. Do you think your wife would be upset if it works out and then she finds out that you hired someone? Yeah, like we're all putting our clothes on and her phone rings and she's like, yeah, I'll meet you at the Marriott.

Honey, do you have any cash? Yeah, yeah. Do you take Venmo? Like two, 300 bucks on you. You won't be like, what the fuck? Oh, plus the tip. He's all exhausted. Plus the tip.

Yeah, yeah. Now that would be, especially if you were really going at it with the hooker Oh plus the tip. He's all exhausted. Plus the tip. Yeah. Yeah. Now that would be, especially if you were really going at it with the hooker and then the hooker's, she takes the call. And the wife's, she's sitting three feet away going, yeah. Yeah. She's like, um, 2.30? Yeah, I can be there.

Yeah. Well, what about your wife? Did she ever have a three-way? Have you asked her? Yeah. Well, what about your wife? Did she ever have a three way? Have you asked her? Yeah. In fact, one time we were having dinner and she's like, oh my God, look who's calling me. She holds up my phone, her phone, and it just says, three way. No way. She's like, yeah, three ways with this couple. I'm like, I'm like, we're past this. We're past us casually talking about, you know,

you don't like, you didn't want to know. At that moment, I mean, who really cares, right? But at that moment I was like, you don't have to tell me everything. You don't have to tell me three ways calling you right now. Trying to enjoy this salad, and you're talking about dick and pussy past. Was it multiple times or was it a one time? I didn't ask too many questions.

Should we call her? Yeah, let's call her right now. I'm an orgy in her phone. That's how we met. It just says him. Yeah. Him dot dot dot. Yeah, well I've never had phone sex.

I've never had phone sex either. I've done a couple texting back and forths, which is kind of weird, because you're just working that phone. And this, one of the times it was on one of those old burner phones, where you have to press it like one, two, three, C. Oh God, yeah, yeah, yeah.

One, two, you. So it's just taken forever. But what can I tell you? It was exciting at the time. Jesus. But I'm not necessarily into it I've never called a 900 number never called a 900 number

I've never paid for a video on the internet. Yeah me neither. I can't even remember buying a porn magazine Oh, I did especially when I first moved to, I remember I bought a penthouse from a really nice bookstore. If I was going to buy, it would be a penthouse, yeah. It was in Maryland, it was in a very suburban area, and I took the penthouse up to the front counter and this young, cute girl, she's like, hey, you know, because I was young and cute. She was young and cute, like hey, and then I just, I didn't even buy anything else. You're supposed to buy like 10 books and a penthouse.

And she just immediately like lost her smile. I was kind of pissed. I don't know. I don't think that's as much of a faux pas today. It'd be more like, why are you buying a magazine in general? Well, I was thinking about this because, you know, there's a few states where when you go there, I don't know if you've experienced this.

Oh, I have. But if you go to Texas and you try to watch porn, you can't, it stops you, and then you have to actually hold up your driver's license to the camera to get through, which is such a fucking invasion. It's hard to imagine. So I do it, and I get through, and now I'm like, I'm on the grid now I'm sure like

they're watching me through the camera on my... yeah because now they've used the camera on me. And they got your face and your name and your address. So I got a band-aid out of my medicine bag and I put it over the camera. Yeah. I mean it's a good plan. You should really be doing that anyway. Yeah. What would you do if someone's like, we got your jerk off video. We can send it to you to prove that we have it. Give us $500,000.

Well, did you see that episode of Black Mirror? The one with the pig? No. Oh, what was this? There's one where there's a teenage kid, and he's jerking off, and they send him a video. Oh, yeah? And they say, we also have all your email addresses and we're going to blast it to everybody

if you don't. And they had him go kill somebody. Yeah, I think I have seen this. So I mean, I'm sure it happens. Who knows? I mean, those cameras are sitting there. I actually bought a switch. There's a little sliding thing you can put on and off

that I have. And I just think like, you know, well, anyway, getting back to the reason I brought it up is that now it's illegal and I wonder if magazines are gonna come back and it's almost gonna be like, you know how hipsters have vinyl now? I wonder if hipsters are gonna go to like magazines. I had a joke for a little bit,

like I'm gonna be telling my grandchildren I used to jerk off to still photographs. But like how crazy is that? Like it's just a picture. It's a major regression, but I like what you're saying and I think it could happen. And with the abortion thing, I'm sure it's all vasectomies and magazines at some of these places. Yeah, right. Yeah, I can remember the first time,

I didn't see a porn. I mean, how old are you? I'm 50. All right, so you maybe saw porn earlier than I did. I'm 58 and I literally did not see porn. I saw it once when I was about 13. And I live, my best friend was this kid, David Arringer. And he lived down in the projects. We had projects where I grew up. And so I'm sitting in his apartment with his older brother, Hector.

Who's now in jail for life for cocaine trafficking. All right, congratulations, Hector. And so Hector had a reel-to-reel projector and he was showing porn. And Hector was probably five years older than us. And I'm watching the porn and then he reaches over and I had a boner and he grabs it and he goes, hey, you're a little excited there, hey.

And this Colombian accent, hey, look at you, huh? Got a banana in your pants. And I remember being like, it was awkward, but it wasn't until years later where I went like, oh no, that was like borderline molestation. Yeah, yeah, for sure. That's the different strokes episode come to life. But you already like at that

time, I don't know what it's like now, but I felt like disturbed after I saw porn, even though I was drawn to it. Yeah. I was like, I grew up Catholic, went to Catholic school and it wasn't like, nobody told you about porn. You just stumble upon it one day. Like my friend's dad had some magazines and he stole them. And we had them in our clubhouse. And we'd just look at the porn together, like three or four of us, and you are getting a chubby. Luckily nobody grabbed my stuff, but.

You guys never did like jerk. No. A lot of guys jerk off in front of each other when they're kids. Yeah, I've heard. I've heard about this. I've heard my friend said he had, and this was like 18, 19, 20 years old,

my friend had these skateboarder friends who would watch porn together and put newspaper down on the floor. No! Really? Wonder what section they used. And they tried to, probably not the sports section.

No! It's too distracting. No! But I mean. Entertainment. Like nobody cared about the news Sports section. It's too distracting. No. No. But I mean. Entertainment. Like nobody cared about the news when you're 20 years old in 1993.

Like we just, it's a different world. We didn't care about politics or anything like that. Government was boring and you could come all over Bill Clinton's face. Or Monica. Sure. But yeah, and then you got, now it's like we got a magazine and like you said, you got it from your friend's dad.

You didn't have any choice. I can remember Barbie Benton was like the celebrity that was nude. And like I got to know her very well. Like that was, I didn't have a lot of choice. I had like two magazines under my mattress and I looked at them for years. So you had to use your imagination. You did and you had to just take whatever you could find. I remember we would pass around skateboard videos on VHS, you know, because they were hard to get, skate shops weren't really near my place. And there was one, it was like two skate videos and then all of

a sudden Hard Bodies was on. And so now I'm watching Hard Bodies, which is pretty, it was like two skate videos, and then all of a sudden Hard Bodies was on. And so now I'm watching Hard Bodies, which is pretty, it's both tame and gratuitous compared to nowadays. Because like- Wait, what's Hard Bodies? Hard Bodies is this movie where everybody's just in a bikini and their breasts are always out for no reason.

There's like a photo shoot scene. I never made it past that scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of those cable movies. Like USA Network late at night. Yeah, it's almost like soft core porn in a way. And it's just, I mean, these were innocent times. You'd be super excited. The flip side of that is there were just nipples in a movie. Every chance they could get, there would be a topless woman. Yes.

For no reason at all. Even in comedies. Yeah, especially in comedy. Like, there's very few comedies in history that used nudity productively. Like, I think Animal House did, because it was so much a part of their mindset. Yeah, but think about how they used it productively.

It's like guys spying on women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, it's not that productive. Right. As things have aged. It didn't push story. Yeah. Even in Stri yeah, yeah. It's not that productive as things have aged. It didn't push story. Yeah. Even in Stripes, John Lerriquette has the binoculars. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And he's looking at the women's showers. Right. Like there's going to be 20 hot women in the Army. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. No offense out there, but 20? 20? Yeah.

I mean, it's like Porky's. It's based around nudity. Yeah, but if you watch Porky's today, I rewatched it because it was like the 50th anniversary and they sent me the DVDs because they wanted me to interview somebody from the movie and I watched it. Dude, it's a dark movie with serious issues.

It's about racism and child abuse and stuff. It's about racism, child abuse, abortion, all happening. I think it's in like Indiana. Yeah, so the first half of the movie is all these teenage problems in the 50s. And you're like, whoa, this is going on in the 50s? And then the last half hour is them just like attacking Porky's house. Yeah, and there's Nazis. Nazis, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's wild. Right. It's house. Yeah, and there's Nazis. Nazis, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's wild. Right, it's crazy. So I forgot, yeah, you're like a real cinemaphile. I know what I know. I'm like Beetlejuice, I know what I know. Right, right, right, right, yeah. You and I got to know each other.

We were writing on a TV show for Bill Burr's company this past year. We have no idea where it's at now because there was a corporate restructuring, which is just like 90% of the projects I've worked on in my life get lost in a corporate restructuring. There's always some change, there's always some this,

some that, and you can't really get any answers as to where it's happening. No, that's why you gotta always have five, three to five things happening at any given time. Even if three of them are things that you create from scratch, like a podcast. That's what I was gonna say. How long has your podcast been going on?

It's been going on and off for like 12 years. On and off. Well, I did it for like 10 years and I was just like, I can't, cause I moved to New York and I was doing it over Zoom with my co-hosts and I'm like, I can't, cause I moved to New York and I was doing it over Zoom with my co-hosts and I'm like, I just kind of got tired of it. But then I missed it and I brought it back,

especially when I came back to LA and had a great studio over at All Things Comedy, which yeah, we got the good video. So did you find a drop off in your viewership when you came back? Oh, of course. Yeah. Of course. I don't recommend stopping anything.

Yeah, because I've been doing this for 14 years and I'm so burnt and I would love to take six months off, but I just know that my listenership would just go away. You can't, you've gotta keep going. You've gotta keep going and even if you're just putting out like 20 minutes or a half an hour one week or whatever. That's true. Yeah, just pointing out. I could a half an hour one week or whatever. That's true. Yeah.

I could do that. Just point it out. It's about the consistency. That's what Tom Segura told me as soon as I started my first podcast. He was like, it's about the consistency. Make sure it comes out on the same day every week. Yeah. And again, management skills.

I would have never known that. I know. But of course that makes perfect sense. I know, I wanna do, I have three podcasts now and I feel like I wanna do one. Everyone's got two. Yeah, everyone's got two. Three's a lot.

Three is a lot. One of them's every other week and it's really easy. We just basically, it's me and Allison Rosen. Oh cool, I like her. Yeah, so we do a thing called Childish where I've got grown kids, she's got little kids, and I'm teaching her how to parent. That's cool.

But she's not really buying it. That's a really good thing because like, when we first started podcast, it was like, hey, I'm a comedian and I'm telling you about my week, which was like very valuable information back then. Now everybody knows everything. I got off stage in Cleveland one time and this audience member wanted to go over my set

and be like, you messed up up front, you really got him at the end. And I'm like, this isn't like. People always say to me, cause I sell my merch after the show. And they always, and I would stand out front anyway, cause I generally like to thank people for coming. And inevitably somebody goes,

hey, I got a tag for you. And I always go, no, thank you. I go, there's absolutely no chance that it's gonna be something I would use. And then you have to sit through it. They think they're gonna spit it out in 10 seconds. It takes a minute and a half. And now 20 people have walked by

that you could have been selling your merch to that you missed so that you can hear this this you're never gonna use this tag it's a Like if it happened on the street, I might be like, okay sure, but I'm trying to move merch, baby They're fucking I got pins that people need to be wearing fucking you up All right. Let's get to fastballs with fits. Okay You still swimming? I'm still swimming They're fucking you up. All right, let's get to fast balls with fits. Okay. You still swimming? I'm still swimming.

It's kinda the answer to my middle-aged problems. It keeps me calm, keeps my blood pressure down. You don't sweat when you're working out? That's the best part about swimming. You're sweating. Oh really? You're sweating, like when you get out of the pool, you know you've been sweating.

Really? I mean it's really gross to swim in a public pool if you think about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean you don't even have to think about it that much. I don't swim in public, I won't do it. Especially if there's kids in there. Yeah, I'm just like whatever. And these are public pools and so it's already kind of sketchy.

There's no lockers. You have to hand your bag to a locker attendant. And then there's also homeless people using the sinks in the showers. Oh, really? Yeah. It's not that bad until you see someone shaving, and then you're like, this is too much.

And do you find you loiter in the men's room more than most guys would? Yeah. I'm trying to get a Devil's Three way going with my wife. I want to recruit people. No, you know what's crazy is this is unprecedented. I've been around for half a century. This locker room, they'll talk to you. You're not allowed to be nude in the locker room. Not allowed to be? You're not allowed to be naked in the locker room. You're supposed to go- Oh, because there's boys in there? Yeah, or whatever.

And so instead of policing the whole thing, they're just cutting dry rule. But it's the locker room. So what do they have, little changing rooms you go in? They call them changing rooms. They're fucking toilets. Anyways, I love going there. I make it sound like I don't, but. Well the worst thing about a toilet in a locker room for a pool is that normally I

can gauge if it's wet around the bowl, I take a very wide stance because I assume it's urine. But in a pool it's wet because some people are coming out of the pool. Always assume it's urine. Yes. You know, I live by that. I'm going to sell those t-shirts after my show. Yeah, totally. Okay, who's your best male friend?

That's a tough one. I can think of two people and I'd hate to choose right now. I'm gonna go with my buddy Tim. I also love my buddy Randy. I've known both these, I've known Tim since he was, we were both 14 years old. We were in a homeroom together and he lives a mile from me here in Los Angeles. And he's a professional graffiti artist.

Really? Always. Uh, it's always interesting to talk to him and like compare. Was he like that when he was 14? Was he an artist? He was always an artist. And then we went to college together. So we're like, we're like pretty, we've had a lot of the same things.

And I got these skateboarders to come over to the dorm room, you know, because I was way into skateboarding. But they're graffiti writers. And so next thing I know, everyone's just sitting around the dorm room sketching in their pads and I got nobody to skate with. And they totally turn, it's kind of cool that he's been in the Smithsonian and I got nobody to skate with. And they totally turned, it's kind of cool that he's been in the Smithsonian and I was there the first day he broke graffiti.

I told my buddy Tosh, I was like, yeah, my friend's in the Smithsonian for graffiti and he's like, wow, he must be really good at vandalism. What's the closest you ever got to a fistfight on stage? I don't know about a fistfight. There was somebody, I was in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, and this dude was getting mad. He looked kind of like a capital rioter and he was getting up and like, and then I did something about abortion and he kind of lost his mind and there was no security

there and there was also no green room there. So I just kind of told the, I play the best gigs, Greg, and I told the owner, he goes over and he talks to the guy and the guy, and he comes back and he goes, he don't want to fight you I'm like you're just gonna take his word for it. Can't you take my word for it? So i'm just hiding in the sound booth like a coward. Wow. You know, how long ago is this? This is 2019. Damn Yeah, so that's probably the closest. Yeah. Yeah, i've gotten in in too many confrontations on stage I used to take the bait. I used to think it was kind of like hockey

And if somebody wanted to disrespect you it was time to fucking go Yeah, and I thought that was like part of the show. Uh-huh. I don't think that anymore No, I think it's just kind of like say your thing. All right, fair enough And then if you got something say it back to them, but like the whole Fighting I think it's crazy. Yeah, but it depends on my mood. There's times where if a guy It's crazy. Yeah, but it depends on my mood. There's times where if a guy challenges me and I really hate everything he stands for,

then I can get into the mode where I, especially, well, if there's door guys, I do this. I will try to implode that guy from the inside out. I will find out his weak spot and I will play on it. And I'll use his words against him until the crowd is laughing at him and then I want his head to explode. And then they have to drag him out screaming. Right, right, right, right.

Now that's not my first choice, but if I'm in the wrong mood, I will do that. Yeah. Hey, fair enough. Sounds like it works. Sounds like you're good at it. And are you saying they always have to be dragged out or do they eventually get humiliated enough that they just shut up and keep watching the show? Yeah, sometimes they do that.

Yeah. Which is not as good as them being thrown out. Because when they get thrown out, you got five, once they get thrown out, you've got five to 10 minutes of deconstructing what just happened to roars from the audience. You're a fucking hero to them now. Because you've purged somebody bad out of the crowd. Totally. I was opening for Steve-O a long time ago when he first started doing stand-up, and

I remember I kicked somebody out, and they said Steve-O's agreement, like, the opener can kick people out. This one. This one did. Hilarious. And they said Steve was in agreement, like, the opener can kick people out. This one, this one did. Hilarious. Who's your best Asian friend? Off the top of my head, I'm going to say Kevin Shea. Oh, Kevin Shea.

Guy out of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Sure. You know, he really is my Irish friend though. His last name's Shea and we used to get hammered together and just roll around Hollywood. He was a funny kid. I'm a good cop, he's a bad cop. He would say kind of shitty things to people and then I would come in and be like, hey, this guy's alright, he's just fucking dumb or whatever.

We would meet a lot of people playing that game. We were playing that game. We were playing a game, it's just who we are as people. Yeah, all right, that's pretty good. When's the last time you apologized to somebody? I was thinking about that because I was listening to another episode and it's probably to my wife because I think I apologize at least once a week, but because of that,

I can't remember specifically what I was apologizing about. But I do know I was kind of, to go about six months back, I was trashing her gift giving skills on my podcast. Yeah. Because I've kind of been like gift shamed in the relationship. Like there's always kind of like,

you can tell this gift isn't good enough and like it gets to the sisters and they kind of, it's kind of like a group analysis to the point where I do a good job, that like the whole family calls me and they're like, you crushed it. There you go. And she's a great gift giver,

but she's not a perfect gift giver. In other words, she has given something that's not a home run before, but I'm always like, it's great, it's great, it's great. And I was just kind of, it was a weird thing where like my co-host was asking me questions too quickly, and I didn't have a time to think about anything.

And then I just said all this shit, and I'm like, but I gotta put out this podcast, I got nothing in the bank. And I felt bad for her because she does put- Does she listen to your podcast? She, at certain times- Dude, that's gotta stop. Becomes like a producer.

Like, hey, I didn't really say that. You know what I mean? Wait, is she there when you're taping it? No, no, no, no, no, no. But she listens to it later? She loves me so much that like, we're not hanging out and I'll be like, oh cool, I finally got some time to myself to write or whatever.

I'll go out in the living room and she's listening to my podcast. Dude, that's like reading your diary. It's stopped, you know? It has, it's kind of dissipated naturally and that's just how it's going. I think that's the reason why our marriage lasted. She has never once listened to one of my podcasts,

and she comes to see me do standup once a year at my St. Patrick's Day show. My wife's like, Lucy Ricardo. She's like, I want to come to the show. Really? Yeah. And I have to divvy it out, because most shows, you don't want to bring what me and my friend would call luggage.

No. You want to be loose. You don't want to be navigating some of these jerky guys or like, and you need to go here and you need to go there and you need to get your head together. And you need to be anonymous and you're at work. I remember one time I was hanging with Gene Pompa at the Comedy and Magic Club and a guy named Daniel Keno came by with his girlfriend and Gene said something that embarrassed the shit out of the girlfriend.

I forget why, what he said. Then they walk in and Gene turns to me and goes, that's why I don't bring my girlfriend to work. Somebody always says something stupid. It's like it was you. You're the one that said something stupid. You're the one that said something stupid. You're the asshole. All right, Matt. Yes.

What can I say? We've been trying to get you on this show for a long time. I'm glad it finally happened. Yes, perfect time. You were a great guest. Thank you, I'm going on tour. I wanted to plug you in. I know, I got your dates.

Don't worry about it, I got your fucking dates. Oh good.'re gonna be at flappers this week. That's perfect. Yes, under March 20th in Louisville. Yeah, don't say Louisville. They get very upset. I'm no rookie March 21st in Cincinnati Cincinnati Cincinnati. Did I spell it wrong? No, I Purposely said it wrong Cincinnati March 23rd in Nashville. Yeah, Cincinnati. Did I spell it wrong? No, I purposely said it wrong. Cincinnati. March 23rd in Nashville? Yes. That's a fun town.

Totally, love Nashville. You ever been to the Ryman Auditorium? I've never been there, no. Try to get in and see a show there if you can. All right. I think it's the best venue to see music in the country. All right. April 17th in Cambridge, Mass,

which is just outside of Boston. It's where Harvard and MIT is. Yeah, I got an update. I'll also be in Brooklyn, New York prior to that date. Got that? Oh yeah. On the 16th. April 16th in Brooklyn. Yep. Weathersfield, Connecticut, April 18th and 19th, I was in a relationship for three girls. Three years with three girls. See? You got me thinking about it now. Really? All in the same part of the country?

No, no, no. I dated one girl from Weathersfield, Connecticut for three years. Okay. But she was from Old Weathersfield. Gotcha. Because in Connecticut, they're always trying to differentiate. Yeah.

I was somewhere up there in Connecticut, like real ritzy, staying in a hotel, and everyone was so rich at the bar, they wouldn't move out of my way yeah because I didn't have the right clothes on excuse me and they like wouldn't even look at Connecticut is really but this old Connecticut but this woman Cindy Murtha was her name and she was the best girlfriend yeah she was the coolest chick I really I really loved her I love the first time I loved somebody

outside of my family. That's nice. Palm Coast, Florida on May 30th. Yeah. July 10th in San Diego. If you wanna get tickets, go to fullcharge.com. It's actually thefullcharge.com. Oh, right.

And also on socials, thefullcharge, if you wanna follow him and stay involved in his life follow me I put out the clips. I entertain the people it's great what you do selfless. Yeah, totally. Yeah Yeah, I get nothing out of it. No some days at all. Most the time I do. Hey, you can always go for swim Matt, thank you. Thank you for having me Yeah, we do it for the We do it for the country. Do it for the country. Yeah.

What's left of it? You said it, I didn't. ["The Last Supper"]