Fitzdog Radio - Matt McCusker Episode 1126

Episode Date: February 4, 2026

From Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast and his new Netflix special, I am joined in Austin by the lovely Matt McCusker. This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew. Save 10% off your first month with Promo Code: FITZDOG at BlueChew.com Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hey, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. I'm your intrepid host. Just back from Austin, Texas, baby. The great state of Texas, Austin, the mothership all weekend, sold out shows. Thank you, everybody, for coming out and providing four out of five great audiences, one with a fucking drunken bitch up front who would not shut up.

Here's the thing about security at the mothership. They're Navy SEALs. So when you heckle and you talk to the comedian in the middle of his jokes, they come and they throw you out and it's aggressive I like it I don't like people getting thrown out

but when they are thrown out I like it to be decisive and the boyfriend gets thrown out too you're out and your fucking boyfriend who's a cuck who didn't control you during the show and the same goes both ways if your husband's a fucking asshole

and his girlfriend or wife does not calm him down you both go you both get the fuck out and then I choose cheer up. It was great. I want to thank Jimmy Moynihan and Nick Murphy,

the guys that opened for me, did an amazing job. Always great young comics come out of the mother ship, and these guys just kind of blew me away. So that was cool. Did Kill Tony last night

with Sal from Impractical Jokers. And then And Dr. Phil. So that was a hot episode. That's going to blow up. I kind of bombed on my first joke.

And I went into kind of a shutdown for like the first half hour of the show where I didn't say anything. Well, Sal Volcano is very funny. And Dr. Phil, obviously. So they didn't need me. But I kind of, it was like I got hit in the jaw on the first round. And I had to cover up for a round. And then I came back out strong. And it was good.

And then I did, what else did I do? Oh, I did Cody Tucker's got a good podcast. I did his while I was in town. And then obviously I had Matt McCusker was in Austin. So I rented a studio and he came down and you'll hear that interview in just a moment. But I'm happy to be back in L.A. It's 68 degrees today. Me and the wife took a hike up in the Palisades.

I had not been to the Pacific Palisades since the fires, and it's devastating. It's a wasteland. It's just, you know, some buildings that are just burnt metal and a couple brick walls left, blocks of houses that are leveled, and a lot of new ones. There's no finished houses yet. There's a bunch of houses getting framed out, but I hadn't seen that before. It was disturbing. And then we went on this beautiful hike.

If you ever go to L.A. and you want a great hike, there's one that's called Los Liones, and it's in the Palisades, off Sunset Boulevard. And it is a windy cutback trail with amazing views, and it's really lush, and the creek runs through it and go see that. So we did that. Got our steps. got hot and came back, jumped in the hot tub, a little outdoor shower, and now going to have dinner and binge watch some TV. All right, let's get to it.

I will be in Sacramento this weekend at the punchline, February 5 through 7. Philadelphia, helium, February 13 through 15, Lexington, Kentucky, February 19 through 21. Houston, February 26 through 28th at the punchline. Then I'll be in Fort Worth. I'll be in Janesville. I'll be in Bakersfield. Go to Fitzdog.com. Pick up some tickets.

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and we thank Bluchu for sponsoring the podcast. Okay, let's get to my guest. He's a guy who I've been on his podcast before, his Matt and Shane's secret podcast. Shane was away, so I filled in, and we had a blast, hung out with him at Skangfest. Great dude, and he's got an awesome special called A Humble Offering that you should check out on Netflix.

Here's my chat with the great Matt McCusker. Well, we're talking about, They had hookers right out of the gate. Well, not even, they weren't even hookers. They were just like standard gay guys. Oh, they weren't. So that was kind of the thing. If you got found dead in the lake, everyone went.

Oh. Damn, I didn't know he was gay. Not only killed, but outed at the same time. And wet. Exactly. Damn. Soaked to the bone. Yeah, maybe that's, maybe it was a test like they used to do in medieval days to see if you were a witch to see if you'd float.

That's not bad. That's actually, that's the best theory I've heard so far. Yeah, because gays are good swimmers. That's the only thing that will work against that theory. You look at Greg Luganis. Yeah. After his dives, man, he got to the side of the pool fast. Yeah, that's actually a good point.

You have to, but they're a hard partiers, so. The gays? Yeah. Oh, I say. So that could inhibit their... Catch them on a Saturday night. I don't think they're swimming that well. Swimming in cock.

Swimming in semen. Yeah, the... the gays in Austin, they congregate in one area. Is there like a gay bar strip? You know, it's like Philly has like the Gaperhood, we call it. Right. And I don't really, I haven't seen it down here. Is there an area?

Yeah, there's a street. I'm just asking for a friend. True. I mean, I don't even know, honestly. But I definitely, I was at a bar one time and I remember thinking like maybe this is like the gay area. Yeah. But it was like a totally heterosports bar, but the one I was at, but it was like, I don't

I don't know. I don't think there's like a gay neighborhood. Like San Francisco has theirs. Philly has theirs. I would argue that a sports bar has close to the same ratio of gay guys in it as a gay bar. It's true, actually. You know, guys are that hell bent. If you know, what's the number? If you know more than a thousand names of athletes currently playing, you might be a homosexual. That's a fair theory. Should we do it, Jeff Foxworthy? You might be a homosexual. Sports guys don't like that, though. And you might be a homosexual. Sports guys don't like that, though. call them gay for loving sports, they'll immediately counter and be like, dude, you don't

understand. You're gay because you don't like it. It's like, all right. Because you don't like sports. I don't follow, I like to play sports. I don't follow them at all, though, so. Not at all? Not at all.

Like, not even a little bit. I kind of pictured you as knowing every quarterback in the history of Notre Dame. No, that's all Shane. I don't know anything about professional sports. I called Shane Gay the last time we did a podcast. What did he like that? It was your podcast. Really?

Yeah, and I was like, I think Shane's gay. Oh, when you were doing my podcast? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We were right in his room. I don't know. Maybe I don't even, I don't know if that ever got back to him. Yeah. Or maybe he's burning with hatred for you.

I know. I like that. Why'd you think he was gay? I was just doing it to poke him because it was his own podcast. Just giving a little razzin. Yeah. But, no, gay guys are, you know, they usually dictate, like, where the cool bars are. It's definitely the best.

real estate. They always say an up-and-coming neighborhood. First you get the artists. Yeah. And then you get the gays, and then you get the Jewish owners. Hmm. Yeah. Okay.

I never heard the Jewish owners part. I always heard the gays and the artists. Oh, God. Are you kidding me? The Jewish owners. When do they come in? They come in once it's been established. Oh, yeah, okay.

Fair enough. They build the multifamilies. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they come in and they turn. shitholes into, you know, refurbished stuff. No, there was a famous guy in Philly who was like pretty unabashedly gentrifying all the areas and he was just like, dude, I'm making this place awesome.

Yeah. And everyone, people were pretty mad at him, but he started a coffee shop and his coffee, you know, baristas or whatever, tried to unionize on him and he shut down the entire chain. There was like multiple of them throughout the city. No shit. He just closed the whole thing down. Really? Yeah.

And he just closed the entire like, however many there were like two or three. That's like apocalypse now when the natives are getting the inoculations and then they chop all their arms off. And that's when Brando goes, the horror. It was a ruthless move. Yeah. I'll lose money. Rather than giving you more, like, I'll lose money. There's comedy clubs like that where they go, I'm not going to say which chain, but they would bring in national headliners.

And then the agents started asking for the money that they actually deserve. and they just went local. They went, all right, well, we'll just, you know, they feel like, some of the clubs feel like they're the equity, like they're the ones selling the tickets. Yeah. And that you're just, you're just the guy that's in that week. Yeah. You know?

Yeah, I've noticed the, also the ticket fees are a little crazy now. I know, oh, you mean on top of what people are paying? Yeah, they'll fee, like, I was at a place and the fee was 20% of the ticket. I was like, yeah. How are you guys commissioning my tickets 20%? Well, and the clubs own the ticketing service. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, one does, yeah. One does. Which means not only is he making the money off the tickets, he's getting all the information. He's getting the demographics of who's buying. He knows which comics are selling how many tickets on which shows. Yeah. Pretty crazy. This was a totally different club, though, that was doing.

They were like, well, we're going to do ticket fees. And they were like, it was like 14 bucks. I know. I was crazy. I had to call him, like, what are you, what is this? It's also like the price of tickets for a show has gone through the roof. It used to be, I mean, I've been doing it for a lot longer than you, but like, you know, it used to be 15 bucks to see a show. Now it's like high 30s for most clubs. No, I know. It's crazy.

I was at a club one time and I just like checked. I was like, wondering if it's sold out and I checked the thing. And my tickets were $48. And I was like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. And it was because there was a giant fee on there. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I see. And you're not getting. and your bonus is based on ticket sales. Yeah, but they're hiding that. It looks like I was charging $48. And it's like, yeah. And then they go, well, we are overhead. It's like, you pay waiters $2 an hour.

Right. The DJ. The DJ. I love comedy club sound guys because they're always good guys. You know, they come in the green room. Like you go in the green room. You sit down. You meet the opener.

If you didn't bring your own opener, you meet the opener. Server comes in. You want anything. Great. Manager comes in. Can I get you anything? You know, blah, blah. How much time do you want to do?

And then finally the sound guy comes in. He's like the closer. Yeah. And he's like, what do you want to walk up to? And that's always, that's always a great opportunity. And they're always very like, I got you, man. Whenever I'm like, we got like, fast forward like 10 seconds. Dude, I got you.

They love that. Come out, totally wrong song. You're like, oh, fuck, man. Yeah, right. But the opening song, don't. everybody shouldn't go for Van Halen or Guns and Roses. It depends on your act.

It should matter. Like, you don't want to walk out, like, welcome to the gym. And be like, my parents were alcohol. And like, you know, do some Simon a Garfunk, if you're going to pull that shit. Yeah, true. I go, I try doing just ambient music, like a spa music.

Really? I thought it'd be funny. It, like, really kind of tanked the vibe pretty hard. That didn't work. I do, like, very aggressive, like, electronic and music. I think that's kind of fun. That's good. Yeah.

I do. If I'm in a redneck town, I'll play the national anthem when I walk out. Smart. And I did it kind of as a joke. It's no joke. They're pumped. They put their fucking hands on it. It's almost like they get pissed when you don't play the whole song.

Really? They love that song. Now, do you come out and tell them you're obviously kidding? Or do you come out like, thank you for your service? Thank you. Yeah, any soldiers here tonight? But you're a woman. I saw.

The best thing I ever saw was a long, long time ago. I was doing like a bar show in New Jersey. And they had like one of the, this headliner there. It was like one of those guys who's always around those shows who kind of just like does all that, that whole circuit. And he, uh, he's bombing. Yeah. And I'll never forget at the mid bomb, he goes, guys, give it up for the troops. And the crowd just goes crazy.

He's like, yeah, anyway. So like I was saying, that was like, it was amazing. to, and ironically, it's been giving for the troops, guys. Yeah. Just tossed it in there. Crowd immediately freaked out, was on the side again. It was like, it was pretty good. I feel a little bit like at the Comedy Mothership,

you can do that by saying fagget or retard. They love when you say faggot or retard. And then if you throw a cunt, you can't say cunt right away. You got to earn it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's some of that. They get pretty fired up sometimes if you hit them with like, yeah,

if you get them like a hard fag or whatever. Yeah. Even I've seen political talk, a little bit of political talk, would get the guys going sometimes. Well, that's what's funny about the mothership is it's got this reputation of being this right-wing bastion for bro comedy. But, I mean, I'm not right-wing, and I go up there, and I'm not like a bleeding-heart liberal, but I definitely am doing some, like, anti-ice jokes.

I'm doing some corporations around America. And same reaction I get in any club. Yeah, no, it's not. You're not like pigeon. hold it into where they don't laugh at stuff. No, it's a blue city. Yeah. But, you know, there's, it's funny, there's a, you can hit the line with them.

I've, I've hit the line where they're like, no. About politics? No, just like, just gross bodily stuff. Like, nobody likes it. They're like, there's no haven for this at all. Well, what's tough is you and I, you and I are similar, by the way, I saw you at Skankfest, and I told you how much I enjoyed your special. Oh, really fucking quality special.

And I'll be honest, like, we never. we're in the same city, so I've never seen your stand-up very much. And it's a really coherent hour. A lot of people, they do an hour of comedy, but it's not built out with themes in each section and building towards an ending where you really like, you really hit your stride in the last third, you know, in terms of talking more about ideas than concepts. Like, I think you and I are similar, like, we both like, um, concepts that are a little bit in your face, you know, like stuff about like, I want to beat my kids.

Yeah, yeah. You know, or, you know, or religion, like bringing religion into it or whatever. But then in the last third, it just gets kind of like real personal. And it's just as funny. Like, there's a lot of laughs per minute. Well, thank you, man. It doesn't lay off the jokes. But, yeah, it's really good.

Congratulations. That's my, my Achilles heel is the first, like, 10 minutes are so slow. I always, every time I do an hour, the first 10 are just like, they're always like, we should cut these first 10. I did cut my last special. I showed it to a towel and he was like, dude, you're, the first four minutes, you're stiff. He goes, they're good jokes, but you're stiff. Cut it out. I cut it out. Yeah, that's smart. They were trying to get me to cut my first 10. I was like, just leave it in there. It all builds up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. But yeah, I've been trying to be conscious of that because I really do slow roll it in there. First 10. You're fucking nervous on a special. I know, dude. I was fucking, I'd hit my head too. I had a big cut on my head. I had a VFX my, I had a head wound.

From what? Filming the intro. I had to wear like this shoulder pack camera mount. Yeah. I had it on for, they were like, the whole, I didn't know they're not going to have me wear it at all. So I had a body double. And then one of the shots was in bed with my wife.

And I was like, dude, I'll do this. Relax. Like, I can do this. They were like, kick your foot down. It kicked. And the thing just whacked me right in the head. I had four like lines in my head. No shit.

I had a bleeding wounds. They had to put makeup on it. They had to put liquid bandage. Actually, dude, that would have worked. I had that exact. exact thought when I watched your cold open, which is so fucking dark and funny, I thought to myself, it would actually be funny if he went on stage with a black guy. And then I thought about it, I go, could you get a makeup person to give you a black guy that was realistic or not?

Dude, for sure. So you should have kept it. You should have kept the thing in your head. The problem was I filmed for two nights. So I had stuff from the one night, stuff from the second. And yeah, and it also was like, they had tried to cover it. So it was like, they actually matched my skin tone and then as soon as I went on stage my face just turned red and then it was just a white just fucking center in the middle of it. So it's going digitally and take it out for the whole special? You had to do a VFX yeah for like a hundred

shots. No shit. You crushed my budget. Yeah it killed me. I was laughing because my whole family most of them all do kind of like construction and stuff so they don't have any sense of like entertainment something. They were like oh you had a Netflix special so obviously they gave you a cool million dollars. Yeah. And I was like no I actually lost like 30 grand on the whole thing.

Really? Yeah, I lost money. Yeah, people don't understand that... But touring, you make it back and all that. Well, the Netflix business model is either you shoot something yourself and then you show it to them and they buy it or they give you the money up front and then you, whatever you don't spend, you put in your pocket. Yeah.

And it's not enough to do a special the way most people want to do it. Yeah, well, you have to hit the quality standard too. And I knew I was going to just use the whole thing and just go nuts. I was like, I'm going to try to, like, you know, the intro was complete. That was like third of the budget. Was it? Yeah. It was expensive.

We filmed like for like a day and a half. Yeah. Yeah. But it was worth it. Totally worth it. And then the ending, what beach was that? Venice. That was Venice Beach.

That's where I live. Do you really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was Venice Beach right near the pier. I was surprised how far the bike got into the water. No, it's very, it's, if it's high tide, it goes, it stays low for a long way. Yeah, that's what it was. And I could have rode it even further, but the, uh, the, the, uh, the,

My friend Tyler, Tyler Falbo was directing it, and we used his friend's bike, and his friend was like, please don't lose my bike in the ocean. And I was like, kind of wanted to go all out, but I just let it down early. That's hilarious. Yeah. Yeah, Venice Beach, man. It's a great beach. Yeah, it was nice. You know, people think that Venice is filled with homeless people.

That's what I'd heard. I went there, and it was super nice. It was weird, though, because we filmed that, like, 10.30 at night. And there was still a lot of, like, families on the beach at nighttime, which I thought was kind of odd. Well, Mexicans. Yeah. Yeah, the Mexicans will go in the water in January and they'll stay in there. Yeah, it was wild, man.

Oh, my God. I mean, to be fair, I was riding a bike into the ocean and they were just kind of like, whatever. They were just like a family beach night, just chilling. Right, right. Why the fuck's this guy doing this? And also the outfits are funny because the Mexican dudes will go in the water in jeans. Oh, yeah. And a tank top.

Pretty much do anything in jeans. Basketball. Timberlins. They're playing basketball on Timberlins and leave. Are you Mexican? Yeah. What is it with you people? I like to be comfortable.

Jeans in the ocean is kind of boss. Yeah, right, right. I will say, I've seen an influx, because I grew up going to the Jersey shore. There's a lot of Indian families there now, and they'll rock some pretty wild shit into the ocean, too. Oh, yeah? Just like, the women, especially, like, full, like, whatever that is. Sari's. Yeah, like, all that stuff and just jump in the water.

Yeah. Nice. Dude, I had an Indian Uber driver the other day, and, he had his phone mounted on the dashboard and while he was driving me he had a Bollywood movie playing that he was mostly watching more than driving me. Did you say anything or just let it? No, it was fucking great. The movie was amazing. He was watching.

I stayed for his next three rides. I only see how it ended. And I was just like and you realize like these guys, they're driving 12, 14 hours a day. Yeah, those hardcore ones. wake up at like three in the morning. And then I think, I don't know, I don't know if you can still do this, but I think what they would do is they would drive for Uber for like the maximum amount of time, switch to lift or something like that.

Oh, no shit. Yeah, they put in like 16-hour shifts. Damn. And it's pretty nuts, yeah. You start at three. It's pretty intense, honestly. I love talking to my drivers. I love finding out like the inside of what's really going on in Ukraine.

You get these guys saying, well, my brother called me yesterday and this fucking great. Yeah. I get a lot of flag for that. People are always like, oh, I don't want to be bothered. I'm like, I want to know everything about them when I'm in that Uber. Yeah. Yeah, it's nice too. I think I got it from my mom who's, you know, Bronx Irish.

And so like every time she goes to the airport, the driver will drop her off, take out her bag, and then there's a long hug every time. That's so nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got my mom an Uber once. I was like, because I need, we were living in Philly and I was like, please, we need you to help us. We have to do something. Can you please come to the house?

She's like, I don't like driving to the city. I was like, just come on. I'll get you an Uber. It was like a 30-minute drive. Uber pulled up as the first time. She just got in the front seat next to the guy. I just sat next to the guy. Yeah, that's the best.

She's like, I wasn't going to sit in the back. Like, he's like my charioteer. I'm like, he's literally your driver. Yeah. You don't just sit next to him. That's such a weird move. I had a dude pick me up in a pickup truck that had no cab in the back. Really?

Yeah, I sat in the front with this guy with my shit in the open back, my suitcase in the open back, which, you know, depending on the city, that you get to a red light. It's gone. Philly is really still fucking dangerous, isn't it? Yeah, Philly's bad, man. Especially during the pandemic. That was like, because we, Philly has like a camera grid. We're like, you know, people are being monitored and stuff.

Right. And then once the mask came out, I was like, dude, we're done. Like, it's like, we have, like, Philly has, like, real organized gangs that are, like, trying to kill each other all the time. So if you get to, like, slip the surveillance, it's like, in the murder rate spiked. Yeah. I knew a guy who was telling me. He went to jail, got out, and now he's like, you know, not a criminal, but he was like, dude, if this had happened back like 10 years ago, I would have robbed every store.

Every store I saw I would have robbed. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, but now it's never really recovered, honestly. It's like, it's, you know, we moved out of there like three years ago. It was just dangerous, man. It was just like, it was just nonstop, just like carjacking. And, like, we were in, like, a nice area. It was still shootings, robings, all that stuff.

What area are you in? Fairmount. I don't know that. Fairmount's near, like, the Eastern State Penitentiary. Sounds great. It's the historical thing. It was the first, it's just you tour it now. Have you taken the tour?

Yeah, it was really, really good. It's narrated by Steve Bouchemey. Nice. Yeah, you do the audio tour. Yeah, the Eastern State Penitentiary was designed by the Quakers who actually invented solitary confinement. No way. That was the idea behind solitary.

Eastern State Penitentiary was set up so that you went in there, they put a hood over your head. You were by yourself the entire time. We had a little room with a little backyard and just a Bible. And the idea was if you put someone by themselves with the Bible for long enough, they would have a change of heart in a positive direction. And then they found out later it just makes people go fucking insane and act way worse. Do you think if you did the same thing with a dildo and a guy in a room, he would eventually stick it up his ass? 100%.

If you were alone, that would be so fucked up, just you and a dildo for three years. Because every day he's looked at it. They come in and change the batteries once a month. Just test them out. Yeah, that would be, man, that'd be tough. Yeah. Because you would just think about it, even if, like, you would just constantly think about that dildo on the table.

It would be like Tom Hanks with the volleyball. You'd be talking. Yeah, you'd be talking to it. It's your friend. And at first, you would just hold in your hand. And then maybe, you know, you'd kiss it. And then you'd go dick to dick. You'd do a little sword fight.

Sword fight. But everybody knows what's going in. So you would kiss it before you went dick to dick? Yeah, I guess you would. I want to be rude. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think it would just more so, like, kind of walk around. You'd probably use it first as like a nunchuck sort of thing.

Yeah. Like real masculine. Oh, for sure. Then you'd probably just lay in bed one night and just kind of stroke it. I swear to God, though, if you really put a guy alone with a dildo for five years. Yeah. There's no way it's just going to sit there and never, someone's going to do something with it. Do you think more likely if it's shit?

Because some dildos have the crown, the shafts. They'll even have like a little vein on the top of the shell. Like they really get it and even balls or just more of a female, you know, they like those sleek ones. Like a modular vibrator situation. Yeah, like a postmodern. It looks like some modern art or something, you know. Like I think that if it looked like a dick, it's more likely because it, you know. Yeah.

Well, here's the thing. If it has vibrating capabilities, there's no way because the dude will just use it to jerk off. Oh, he'll hold it against his own dick. Yeah, vibrate your balls. Oh, right. So vibrate capabilities is like, that lights out. And then you will eventually touch your anus with it while masturbating because let's not kid ourselves. That feels good.

My first masturbations, I used to put a number two pencil up my ass. I was like 14. What? And I had it in my bedside table. I had a number two pencil. Where did you even think of that from? I don't know. I must have been doing homework before I jerk out. Truly.

Number two pencil. What a great start. Well, eraser first. Yeah, obviously. I mean, come on. Or unsharpened. The blunt edge of an unsharping pencil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Erased, dude, that's fucking crazy.

What'd you do with the pencils afterwards? Do you use the same one over and over again? Just used it, yeah. Yeah. He's my friend. You try to erase your work. You run this experiment, basically. You leave a brown lime, and you're trying to erase your work.

Your teacher's like, why? You're supposed to use a yellow highlighter. Why are you using a brown highlight? Damn, dude, that's fucking wild. Yeah. Pencil up the butt. Pencil up the butt. But, I mean, you know, there's nice nerve endings back there.

True. Yeah, it's undeniable. There was like a million fucking nerve endings. Yeah. Yeah. Have anyone fucked with your ass at all? Once. I thought it was just too much.

You know what I mean? It was like, I remember being like, yeah, obviously it's undeniably pleasurable, but it's like I have enough like appetites. I'm trying to keep our control. I don't want to. I'm just going to keep that door shut and just, you know, worry about it later. Yeah, that's the other thing I think you and I have in common is we're like married guys who are horny. Yeah.

You know, and it's just like, that thing you have about like, I don't cheat, but like if I smell a woman's perfume, like I will follow her and I'll speed up to get to the elevator. Like, I swear to God, I do that all the time. Yeah. I'll run to an elevator. Oh, for sure. Do that speedwalk in the hallway. Yep. Same with hot cashiers.

Well, if there's a hot cashier, I'm like, Like, we're available. I'm like, I'm good. I'm going to wait for, you know, like, I'll just wait in this line. Right. It's like, well, I don't want it. I'm going to go to the hottest cashier, obviously. Yeah. It's my right to choose. So. I go through my Uber rides. I'll cancel the ride if she's ugly.

Cheers, but, no, it's not worth my money. But perfume also, like, I realized how much of my senses, like, my olfactory senses, like, might be my strongest one. Yeah. Like, if I smell, if I'm walking through the part, I'll smell some nice perfume. I'll whip my head around and be like some old lady, some fat a lady, you'd be like, what the fuck? I'll smell a sense that like I knew, like people I dated. Like I'll recognize the scent and I'll go like, oh man, it's like my memory and sense of smell is really, I think everyone's is, but like mine's like very connected. Yeah.

So I'll get like deja vu. I'll like smell a certain perfume and be like, oh yeah, I know that perfume. Yeah. Yeah, but the. There was this woman. I used to be a parking attendant at a country club in New York. and this woman would show up and her husband was,

his name was Ron Fichetti and he was John Gotti's lawyer and so he had big money and he belonged to the club and his wife drove a Mazda XJ6 beautiful like, you know, cherry red and so she'd pull up and she was gorgeous

but like classy gorgeous you know Italian dark skin and the cotton like Irish guys like women with dark skin you know with the odd well you like them even darker true. But like, I was just so attracted to her Italianess. And so she pull up and she wore this tea rose perfect because I asked her, I go, what is it? What is your perfume? She says tea rose.

And she wasn't flirty, but she was just a nice, friendly person. And so she gets out of the car one day. I said, hi, Miss Fichetti. She gets out. And then I get behind the wheel and I put my foot on the brake. And I'm looking at her. And I put the car in a drive. drive, and as I put into drive, the wheels just fucking peel out. I laid down. I had my foot on the gas, not the brake. This was before they used to have the thing where you had to put. And so I went like 30 feet down, and I stopped.

Oh, and also like classic rock always playing. So classic rock, T-Rose, I'm looking at her ass, and I just fucking gun it. And I look back and she goes like this. She liked it. She liked it. Take, did you have spray T. Rose on a number two pencil before? Yeah, right, right. I'm all playing Italian music.

Yeah, no, for me, it's like, you know, having like an Irish family. I just feel like women, like fair-skinned women, they just look like my cousins to me. I'm like, you kind of look exactly like one of my cousins. Yeah. So I just like. Got to have a tan for me. Exactly. I went all the way.

Yeah, where I grew up to was a lot of Latinos, and I used to love the Latino girls. Yeah. Big asses and nice feet. Is that what you told me not to wear the flip-flops? Yeah. Now, I didn't give a shit about men's feet, but I'm not a foot fetish guy, but it's one of the things I factor in. Alphactory sense, check, feet, check. I'm the same way.

I'm not a big foot freak, but like if there's a nice foot, it's nice. Yeah. Asian. Yeah. Well, they, you know, it's like veal. train them from they do don't they train their feet am i fucking mistaken i thought they put them in like a fucking box or something yeah they used to put them in uh what do they call those um they would

hop they yeah they'd stick them in his shoes there were much too small because they wanted small feet yeah and uh and they wouldn't let them outside because it was a sign of poverty if your wife had a tan yeah and she had to work in the fields yeah so they made they wanted them a pasty white and their feet would get all fucking shrunken yeah it's literally like a it's like a cow that's in like an industrial factory farm. So sexy. It's like a lightless box. But even now you see women like walking around in these stilettos where I've never put

a pair on, but it looks like torture. The really tall ones where the toes are jammed into and it's pointy at the bottom? I hate it. I fight my wife about this all the time. I'm like, why are you doing this? Oh, does she wear those? Yeah, she likes it. Not all the time, but she likes to wear these like crazy heels.

and it's like, I have two young daughters, so they like to do little play shoes with like a wedge. And I'm like, stop. Like, you're going to mess your knees up. Right. It's the most insane. You're on your tippy toes standing on like a popsicle stick. Yeah. And she's like, well, it's actually like not, I'm like, it's definitely bad for your like legs, back, everything.

Yep. And it's like for what? For what? Well, it makes your calves look better. That's the whole argument. Okay. Great. Yeah.

And then you get drunk and you fall on your face. I know. Your ass flies up. Or that look of like now you're walking home with your shoes in your hand. Yeah. On city streets with your bare feet. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly.

They're always like, they're comfortable. And it's, yeah, they're walking barefoot. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, I don't, dude, they fucking pisses me off. I don't like it. I'm like, this is insane. Yeah.

And it's also like, I don't know a lot of guys who are like, oh, fuck, those heels are so fucking hot. It's like maybe a long time ago. Like in the 70s and 80s, maybe? Yeah. Yeah. I heard Trump makes all the women in the White House wear heels. No. Yeah, but guys also have to wear a suit.

So it's like, goes both ways. I think he wants them in the heels because they can't run away as fast. True, true. Could be. It could be. I've never had a job where I had to wear a suit. I take that as a life victory. I mean, weddings and funerals.

It's not yet, but still it's not a job. But not a job. Yeah. Even on corporate dates, I just say I'm not wearing a suit on your corporate day. Letterman. You wore a suit. That was the only working job where you had to wear a suit when you did letterman. That's fair, though.

Yeah. I've never, my goal in life as a young child was the only ever have to wear sweatpants. Yeah. I always, I was like, whatever job I have, you have to be able to wear sweatpants. Sweat pants and a hoodie. What we're wearing right now. I mean, it's start, I mean, I always liked it, but then the pandemic hit and I never look back. It's all I wear every day.

Yeah, I actually had the opposite. I wore sweatpants every day. day for like decades and then finally it was like like literally a year and a half ago. I was like I'm going to start wearing jeans throughout the day. Yeah. I feel I feel more like put together now. Something about sweatpants. If I wear them all day every day, I start to just like devolve. Yeah. You know what I don't know. Something about it, it kind of fucks me up. Yeah, it's kind of like unless you get nice ones like I got a couple sweatsuits with, you know, matching where you look a little bit like a gangster. Yeah, that's different. I'm talking like Walmart sweatpants. Yeah.

way too big. Like it, like, erodes. Even my sense of, like, morality starts to, like, erode. Your penis is too accessible. I jerk off way more in sweatpants. I'm telling you, my whole character just kind of devolves. If I'm wearing them too much, if I'm, like, working out, it's one thing. Yeah.

All day, every day, and the sweats, it's like, I finally had to, like, you know, because I was wearing, like, not even the nice tapered. There was, like, Russell's just, like, the classic shitty sweatpants everywhere. It's just kind of like a bummer. Yeah, there's just, there's a. This guy, I did show up in Canada and this guy offered to give me, he makes these designer velour sweatsuits. He calls them Sweatsitos.

That's actually really nice. And they're like, it's like what Cedric the entertainer would wear. They're like velour, like burgundy with maroon stripes down the side. That's actually really, that'd be nice. They're nice. And I wear that. That's kind of my airport outfit a lot. That's good.

That's acceptable. That's a good nice, you know. Because if you could recognize in the airport, you don't. want to look like a fucking bum and some rustle sweatpants. Stained. Just obviously all stained. The draw strings broken. Are you getting recognized a lot more now?

A good amount. I was in a, I was, I was, it's like here and there, depending on where I'm at, but I was in Home Depot renting a truck recently, because I had to drive a giant TV for this other show we're doing. And I was in there, and I was like, it took forever to rent the Home Depot running trucks there. Apparently, they had to like take pictures, come back in, back and forth. There was this one, like, really old guy who was just, like, taking forever.

And I was, like, trying not to be a dick. But it was like, I sat there for 25 minutes just waiting. And then I had luckily calm myself down because I, every now, I'm pretty good about that. But if I get a little ory, I can get kind of like, dude, this is fucking ridiculous. So I was like, just relax. That's a Josh now, by the way. Is that a Josh? Yeah.

Instead of Karen, now they're calling it a Josh. Yeah. Dude, in my defense, I sat there for 30 minutes. And I was like, this is insane. It's taking this long. But if that's a Josh, I was, I was on the verge of Josh. I stopped. And I was next to an employee who was like, he sat with me the whole time, but he was like, oh, man, I can't help you, man. This is not my department. But then he told me all about all the

different Home Depot's, their sales records. And I was like, okay. All right, man, thanks. You know, I'm sitting there like, cool. I appreciate, you know, the effort. And the guy came. And I ended up like, chilling was not like, you know, no like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck. And it turned out to be a big fan of the podcast and show and everything. And I was just like, I don't think God, I wasn't a fucking asshole. Yeah. That's the thing too. You don't even think about that.

I know. I could have been a fucking real dick. But I had, I'd come. By the time he came, I was like, all right. The best is when it's like a hotel clerk

or a rental car guy and they recognize you because then you get that upgrade. Yeah. True. I love an upgrade. That's the best, honestly. Yeah.

It took a little mini hookup and you're like, no, man, you don't do, you don't have to do that. And you get it like, yes. Yeah.

I know. But no, I get like, it's kind of nice. I get like, it's not like overwhelming. It'll pop up every now and again. It's just kind of like a nice treat.

I think my wife likes it more than anything. Yeah, you're definitely getting late when you get recognized on the way to the hotel. Yeah, all depends. At a restaurant, that's the thing, too. The restaurant's the best one. That's when you get, like, dishes and stuff. Yeah. Oh, this is sweet.

Yeah, we got a free mail last night. This guy was a fan of mine, and he DM me, and he said, hey, come about my restaurant before. Do you know this place that's right across the street from the mothership? It's, I never know, I walked past it a million times, and it's called, I wrote it down because I wanted to give them a shout out. Is it that Irish pub across the street? No, no, that's around the corner. Okay.

A park side, it's called. No, I've never been there before. Oysters on the half shell and filet mignon and like, it was, the guy was like, get whatever you want. He was sending stuff over the table. Right across the street? Is it like to the right a little bit? If you come out of mothership, cross the street and make a right. It's on that corner.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I went there one time just, I was like, I'm going to get a drink before the show and they had like really, really good food. Yeah, it was great. Wow, okay. Now I know you're talking. I thought you're talking about directly across the street.

I was like, what the fuck? No. I mean, there's no food on Sixth Street. Yeah. Edible at all. I like the taco truck. Taco Way is good. That's a good.

Taco Way's good. And whatever that place is, I don't know it's called Parkside. That place was really good. And then there's something, there's actually a place called like something rabbit that's not bad. if you make a right out of the mothership, same side of the street and you go down

past voodoo donuts on the right. Yeah. There's a little place that's good. Dead rabbit. Dead rabbit. Oh, yeah. Dead rabbit's good. I got recognized I got a colonoscopy.

I go into the colonoscopy and I put on the gown. You haven't had one yet. No, you're not 40. Just turned 40. You need one. Yeah, I know. Don't fuck around, man. Seriously.

No, my dad's dad had a colon cancer. Okay. Yeah. So yeah, I'm going to get it for sure. So I go in and I get the gown on backwards and I'm laying there and I'm fucking humiliated. And it's like all these beds and they don't even have sheets between the beds. So everybody's just laying there waiting to get their ass poke. Stop.

So the anesthesiolis comes over. Hold on. You're saying it's like a World War II hospital. Well, no, that's where you wait. They bring you into a room. I thought you're all this laying. Like the Forest Gump Hospital. Get the fuck out of you.

Everybody's missing an arm. Yeah. So you're all waiting. And then you go. And then you go in, but the anesthesiologist comes out and he consults with you first. So he walks over and he picks a, he hasn't me looking, picks up my chart and he goes, Greg Fitz-Fitton. Fitz-Dog! And I'm laying there going like, no.

No, no, dude. And he's like, he's looking at my meds that I take and he's like, you take this and this and this. I go, I have depression. He goes, I never would have, I don't want this conversation. I never would have guessed you had depression. I don't want to do that. That's kind of a nice compliment. And so then he wheeled, but he was such a big fan that he wheeled me in the wrong room

because he wasn't like doing his job properly. And so I go in the room and I had like three or four solid colonoscopy jokes that I said to the doctor and the nurse. And then they go, wait a minute, who is this? And he's like, oh, sorry, wrong room. So he brought me to the right room. I didn't do the jokes again. You know, it's like. Yeah, yeah, you already did them.

Yeah. True. And he would have been like, yeah, I heard him. Exactly. He's a hack. I'm not a fan anymore. Yeah, so they knock you out, which is nice. That's what I...

When do they just like... Doesn't your doctor just also stick their finger up your butt, like, just in person as well? Is that a thing? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, which... Do they do that anymore, or is that... They do it, and every time he does it, I get really sad for like two days.

What? That makes sense. Isn't that weird? No, I could see that. Just kind of like, I don't know, it's kind of like a brutal. Just felt violated. Yeah. Because he goes in, he doesn't just go in, he starts fucking working it around.

Except for the prostate? Yeah. And the problem is is you get stimulated. Like your penis feels like, I want to say I dripped a little bit of semen one time because... Yeah, that's a point of it. Yeah, they can get a semen sample by doing your... So a little bit of semen comes out and you're like... Fuck.

And your ass feels really, I'm thinking about the number two pencil. It's just all I wanted. I was like, can I get that pencil when you're done? It's my finger. Fuck. Yeah, see, I got to do all that stuff now. I got to get all the butt doctor stuff coming up. So I'm going to do it.

I'm going to get on the ball because that's colon cancer or something in my family for sure. And it's apparently so easily preventable. If you get regular checkups, you will not die of prostate cancer or colon cancer. And the same thing with women with their breasts. And that's why after the shows, what I'll do is, yeah. Yeah. And that's free. True.

I mean, I sell my pins. You got to pay for those. You squeeze your boobs. It's actually a good idea. Yeah. So, yeah, it's not bad. I bet you can do that. You probably, you get at least like six, I feel like.

Yeah. Six breasts, like three women? No, I would say 12 breasts. Oh. I feel like you can get six women to let you squeeze their boobs. Yeah. For medical reasons after show. Women with fake boobs want you to feel their breasts.

proud of them. Are they, have they gotten better? Are they still like rock hard? I don't know. I haven't touched any in a long time. Good call. I don't know. You're bringing it up like they're better. I don't fucking know. I remember them being like fucking hard, like almost like a Barbie doll. Like just. So unattractive to me. Yeah. I was never. A woman can be a smoking hot 10. She's got fake tits. I'm out. Yeah. I don't. I can't even look at her. I like to see them fall, fall and You know, I don't know, if they like to stick straight up when they're on their back, it's kind of like, it made me think of we were in Italy and we were looking at last year and we were looking at all the statues. And the Roman statues, man, they knew how to make a breast. Like they've got like a nice little hang to them.

Really? It's not like, you know, you see the ones in Egypt and they're like triangles, you know? And then the Roman ones like they look like they've like they've worked. They've fed a baby. Oh, really? So they're not like, you're talking, you're talking not like complete like young perkers. These are just like... They have a crease almost between the breast and the chest cavity. That's actually really nice. Yeah.

So these are women. That's also too, you know you're looking at a woman's breast because those statues could be of anybody. Right. You never think about that. So he's got like a tiger's head and triangle tits. I'm not into that. Give me a Roman one. And she's got no head, which she makes even better. That's kind of nice. Yeah. She can't fucking talk. just a mother's breast and a headless lady. Three hands.

That would be nice. Did you hear about that Siamese twins that just got married? No, someone was saying something about that. I didn't know what they were talking about, but they're saying that, yeah, that one is dating and it's like, does the other one feel what the other one feel? Where are they conjoined at the head? They have four sets of tits.

Okay. and then at the hips they come together. And I wonder if the guy gets to grab the other tits. I mean, I think so. That would be crazy to have like, you know, almost like roommate sex every time. He's a three-way every time. It's got to be. That'd be crazy if they were, yeah, I mean, it has to be.

He's got to be, he's only marrying the one. Yeah. The other one could just be his mistress. He could never cheat on her with her sister I mean he's essentially having sex with both of them every time Well what I was thinking is like And they said to the other one like How are you going to deal with sex?

And she's like, I'm going to read a book And it's like, now you're going to get fucked Yeah Because they have the same They share a vagina I guess They share a vagina Yeah, she's whatever It's also that's tough though

because then if you get one, you kind of need like, it's like the Senate, you need like two, you need two votes every time. Oh, because if the one's like not now, it's gonna be,

that's tough. Right. Yeah. Although maybe they're just like, whatever, you know, I'm not a Siamese twin, I'd imagine if I was and someone was like, I'm gonna fuck you,

I'd be like, all right. You think the Sklar brothers ever had a three way? Who? Are they? You don't know the Sclar brothers? I know them, but are they twins?

Yeah, they're identical twins. Oh, okay, three. I was thinking there was a third one. I'm like, who was the third one? No. I thought you talking about a homo incestuous three-way. So the two of them, I would imagine, yeah. I would imagine, yeah.

I would imagine. Two brothers, for sure. I never did with my brother, but we've slept with some of the same women. Eskimo bros with your bro. Is that what it's called? Yeah, Eskimo bros. Anytime you two guys sleep with one woman, you're Eskimo bros? Yeah, Eskimo brothers.

You and Shane ever Eskimo bro? No. We have never Eskimo Brod. Not that I think, now that I know, I don't think so. My first time having sex was an Eskimo bro. I had a bet with my friend Sneaky Pete. We were like 14 and we said whoever gets laid first gets 20 bucks. Which 20 bucks when you're 14 and 1982 is a lot.

That's a significant pot. Yeah. So when we made a caveat, once we turned 16, we each had like had a chance to have sex, but like it wasn't the right situation. So we said, all right. The other Siamese twin wasn't down. Yeah, yeah, right, right. One was in, one was out.

Yeah. And so I said, let's make it, if one guy does, the other guy gets a week to negate the bet by also getting laid. Okay. So he comes to me and he goes, hey, it happened. I get laid last night. And he tells me the girl. And I was like, man, you know, that's not really virgin material.

Yeah. You know, that's not the one you wait for. Yeah. So I'm hanging out. We used to hang out on these benches in Tarrutown where I grew up. And you'd basically sit out there and you'd smoke Marlboro Reds and you'd hope that one of your friends had a car to pick you up. You know, you're 16 and like some guys would get their parents' car. Some guys were older and they were fucking weird older dudes that would hang out with us.

Yeah. One we called Herman because he looked like Herman Munster and you'd drive down to the Bronx with him and you get angel dust. And then he'd smoke it on the way back, and you always have to pull over while he nodded off. Jesus Christ. And so we wait, and all sudden this blue Transan picks up, and it's two girls, and one of them is the one that my friend lost his virginity to. And how long ago? Like, days ago, you're saying? Days.

Yeah. So we get in, and we drive downtown to a bodega, and we get some Boone's Farm strawberry wine, we get some rum, and we drive up under the power line. There was a place you could pull under the power lines, and it was like drizzling out. And so we get out of the car, and my buddy, Johnny Trouble, was on the back trunk having sex with the driver. And then I was on the hood with this girl. Yeah. It was like a Bruce Springsteen song. We're in the mud.

You know what I mean? Pants around the ankles. So you were with Johnny Trouble and Sneaky Pete? No, sneaky Pete lost his virginity. What was your name? Just Greg. What? You didn't have a cool nickname?

No. Well, Fitz. They call me Fitz. Fitz is nice. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So you were at Giant Trouble Sneaky Pete, and then you were having outside. Yeah, I have an outside sex on the trunk and my feet are slipping in the mud. And, you know, I don't think I lasted very long.

Oh, yeah. And then I saw Sneaky Pete and the next day, and I was like, hey, man, I lost my virginity, bets off. And he said, who with? I go, I go, just some girl from the next town. I didn't know her name. I didn't have the heart to tell him. It was the same girl. Oh, you never told him his name?

No. Did he have feelings for her? Or like, I guess he'd be bummed out. He's gay now. What? Yeah. Damn. So I might have AIDS.

True. And it sucks to lose that bet with a gay guy. That's crazy. Sneaky Pete's gay. Yeah. Is that what they called him Sneaky Pete? Maybe. He used to get pussy, though.

I was always hooking him up, though. It was always double dates. I would set up double dates. That's cool. And Sneaky Pete was much better looking than me. He was kind of like, he didn't fit in with us. Because my whole gang was like classic rock, the dead, Zeppelin, the doors. And then he was like echoing the bunny men and the smiths.

And he wore an overcoat and he had Billy Joel spiked hair, bleached blonde. And so women love that. But guys were kind of like, I don't know about this guy. Guys don't like it when you try too hard. If they see signs of effort, especially towards like getting women or, you know, whatever. What was your music growing up? I actually listened to a lot of the same stuff. I listened a lot.

I had like, like my dad growing up was big on like Neil Young and all that stuff. Yeah. So I was kind of like the first music I heard and then my brothers

were like real into like Led Zeppelin. So it was a lot of like Zeppelin. Same like classic rock stuff but then I was like a lot of Nirvana. Oh yeah. A lot of rap. I listen like Wutan Klan and all that. Oh really?

Yeah, yeah. That was like around like sixth grade I kind of like divert it from my brother's musical taste and I was pretty much mostly like rap and stuff. Favorite Wu Tang's. song? I used to like triumph.

I was just going to say, I was listening to that album like two days ago. And there's one line, there's one run, I don't know what you call it, in rap verse. That's like apparently some, a lot of rappers consider it the greatest verse in rap history. Yeah, no, I used to love that song. I still know all the lyrics. No, you don't. I kind of do, yeah. If the song's on, I can, like, go along.

And it's, I haven't, I just listened to it a million times in seventh grade. Yeah. So, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I was a big, Woot, I had a big Wutank poster on my wall. I was my, me and my brothers had a room, and I had, like, that was my little corner. Did you watch them on SNL? No.

I was at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and they have, they have this exhibit for S&L right now with the Rock and Roll Hall. Did you go there when you're in Cleveland? I think you got a Cleveland date coming up. I think I do too. You do? I never leave. So worth the child. Is it good?

I never leave the hotel on the road. But when I'm in Cleveland, I go to the rock and roll. Is it good? I mean, I'm a music nut. So it's like porn for me. I can't. I just can't get enough. I go early and I stay as late as I can.

That's pretty cool. They've got an SNL exhibit where they've got these big screens and headphones. And you can call up, touch the screen. You can call up any musical performance in the history of SNL. What? That's kind of cool. Wu Tang came on. and it was pretty like roundberry.

You're like, wow, this is something they've never had on this show before. When did that? What year was that? I have no idea. Yeah, they were awesome. There was really another, there wasn't really another thing like them either.

Yeah. I didn't see like a big, like nine-person rap group. With just solid lyrics. Yeah, everyone was awesome. And honestly, like the same fucking beat behind almost every song. Yeah, not every time. I love them. They throw in the old, like, those Shalin movies

and those old kung fu movies in the beginning of the song. I still, to this day, I was at the gym recently, and they played, I think it was like the Giz of Liquid Swords album, and it was like, they had a lot of that stuff,

and I was like, fuck, dude, I haven't grown up at all. I'm still like, damn, I love this, man. Yeah, right. My father was murdered by a mercenary, and I was like, fuck, this is awesome.

So you don't come up on stage to Wu Tang ever? Mm-mm. No. No, I never, it was more of like when I was younger. It was like, I just love them when I was younger,

and then, like, that was kind of that. I have a tattoo on my calf Says Wu-Tang motherfucker. Do you really? Nope. Okay, what the hell? Some people, look, I was, I was about to be like, okay, well, I didn't know. It's kind of intense.

It's kind of crazy. You got any tattoos? Yeah, I have one. What is it? It's so bad. I had, when I was 23, I remember, I was like, I'm going to get the don't tread on me snake, but like all my whole, my whole back. No. Hold on.

So this is what happened. I was just talking shit because it was like, my brother had a food truck when I was, you know, college. So I worked in his food truck and there was a girl he was like friendly with who was covered in tattoos. And so we would either like, we'd always be like, man, that's crazy. I wouldn't, I don't know why you put that on your body. We were just like fuck with her. And then one day I was like, she probably was like, oh, you're too much of a pussy to get a tattoo. I was like, dude, I'm going to get the don't try to me snake on my back. And then she's like, my friend's a tattoo artist. I can have this, you know, him set this up. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, for sure. And then

she like, put us together. And I was like, whatever. I'm not going to do that. And then he called me up and was like, dude, like, are we still doing this appointment? I'm, you know, everyone's canceled on me. I'm fucked. And I was like, all right, I'll just do it on my arm. I'll just get the snake. And then, so I got it. And it says, like, you know, the snake, don't tread on me. The morning I woke up,

I went, I fucking hate this. And then my brothers were all like, don't dread on Matt, don't dread. And like, yeah. Fucking pissing me. That was pissing me off. That would meet people. And they're like, oh, what branch of the army you're in? I'm like, I've never been in the military. I thought, I was just growing weed in the house. And I was like, fuck the government.

So, man, I try to get it covered up. Not covered. I was like, can you cover up the wording? Don't tread on me with something. And the tattoo artist lady is like, what do you want me to cover it with? And I was like, I don't know, whatever, just put something around it. So she put this like cartoonish desert scene. So it just looks even worse and dumb.

It's the, it's the dumbest tattoo. Yeah. It's kind of, I mean, it makes me laugh. I forget to have it and I'll be like a pool and I'll be like, fuck. Dude, it'll be so funny if you die, getting hit by a car. You get run over. Like a tread on? I get tread upon.

Yeah, it's like embarrassing. But it is, you know, I see it as a good reminder to like actually think things through because I was just like, whatever, yeah, that's cool. And I got it. And I was like, oh, fuck. There was this kid in college who had a big wine stain on his forearm. And so he got the Hawaiian Punch guy tattooed above it pouring a pitcher onto the... That's actually kind of cool.

It's the greatest tattoo ever. You know, too? I had, when I was in college, before I got a tattoo, this guy had a big iron cross on his leg. And he was like, this is just really like my germ. an ancestry and I was like at a party just killing this guy. I'd be like, dude, it's like you had a Nazi tattoo. He's like, it's not a Nazi tattoo. And then when I got this, the snake, the Gadsden thing, became like a kind of like an

Aryan brotherhood. Yeah. I know. I was like, that's what I get. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know.

Yeah, for teasing that guy. I know. I have a politically charged tattoo now. I didn't, I wasn't, I wasn't going for that either. Like you don't know. You get a fucking P. Diddy tattoo or something, you know? You don't know. I know.

That would suck. Imagine having that. My cousin has an Epstein Island tattoo. He went there and they were giving out tattoos. Really? Dude, you've even following the emails? Like who's on it and who's... It's pretty wild, man.

It's pretty wild. Everybody, every single person's on it. Well, the best is I love when billionaires get on it. Like Bill Gates is on there. And then this other guy who, I forget his name, but he's a big billionaire and he really got lit up. up on this last batch of emails. And you just think like, all right, so you got a billion dollars.

You're untouchable. You got a fucking staff. You got security. You got country club. You literally, you don't have to eat nowhere. Everett just pictures. You got to be so happy. And then that happens and you realize I would give a billion dollars to not be on that list.

Yeah, man. It's brutal. I mean, Gates, yeah, Gates. The email, well, Gates is just on there from Epstein wrote himself emails, basically telling Gates what he would do if he were him or something. So it's not like, he doesn't have like direct correspondence, but it's like... I thought there was an email where Bill was asking for antibiotics for his wife. That was the emails from Epstein being like, oh, don't make me tell people about the time

you ask for antibiotics, blah, blah, blah. Oh, okay. But it also, he did hang out with him after he was a convicted pedophile. So that's like, that's kind of a rough way. Well, a lot of that. They all said they didn't hang out with him later. And then, like, even Trump. Trump said he didn't talk to him after 2006.

and then we got emails from 2010. Yeah. And it's, well, it's so weird because it's like, even the Musk, Musk had emails where he was like, dude, I'm looking to party for real. Like, it's not even, it's from him. And he's like, I'm trying to blow off some steam. But he did say he was bringing his ex now at the time, his wife.

So I was, you know, whatever. But yeah, it's really, because that's like. Do you think that at any, because Malani has sent an email to Jislane Maxwell. Did you see that? No. Oh, yeah. What did they say? She said, saw you on the cover of New York Magazine, you look beautiful, I love you.

Okay. So I've heard rumors, unsubstantiated, but that Melani was on Epstein's Island as, you know. Like, she worked there? Yeah. Trump plucked her from the island? Yeah. What? I mean, do the math.

I can't. But that's what is the matter? How much you heard of you? Here's the thing is, I don't think, I don't think that it wasn't all little kids on the island. It was mostly grown women, like Eastern European. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Women that were poor, that were beautiful, that were looking to hook up with rich guys. Yeah.

Could be. I mean, it's not, it's, you know, with all the stuff that's come out, it wouldn't be like the craziest thing. Her movie did better than people expected it would this weekend. Did it, didn't the director, like, have terrible photos? Yeah. The director of the Melania movie apparently had photos on the island. Yeah. It's a bad look for everybody.

Brett Ratner. Yeah, he was a big director, and then he got charged like five or six times during the Me Too movement. Did he really? Yeah, it was substantial enough that he hadn't worked since. Oh, shit. Yeah. Then he came out with the Melania. Yeah.

So it's doing well? It's doing well. That's good. Yeah. But now the big thing is the liberals are all trying to flood Netflix with Michelle Obama's. They go, just watch it like three times because we want it to get more views than Melania's on Netflix this weekend. So fucking dumb. It's like, what's that going to do, honestly?

What the fuck? That's the kind of shit where you go like, this is why liberals lose elections. Yeah. Because that's, you know, there's people getting shot in the head trying to exercise free speech and you're trying to boost Michelle Obama's documentary. Yeah, that sucks. That sucks so bad. Yeah. It also, yeah, I don't know, man.

I feel like the, well, now though, it's like, if I'm a billionaire, I'm going to go, dude, that's like AI. I didn't write a fucking email. So now it's like, we're going to move into a place where they can just be like that picture. Dude, it's fucking AI. We're post-truth. We're in a post-truth world. Yeah. So now it's like, yeah, you don't really know kind of what's what.

Because that's what I would do. If I was a billionaire, I got caught with like crazy emails being like, yo, I'm trying to chill. Yeah. Like the musk emails are hilarious. So like, I'm trying to blow off some steam. I do not want a relaxing weekend. When are you having your wildest party? Yeah.

So I don't know. You never know. Could it be like, you know, political stuff they organized to, like, take people down or all of them genuinely just partying hard as fuck on that island? Right. I don't know. But I do know it's going to be, by the time the next election rolls around, any one of those people can be like, that's AI. Do you think that if you had been approached by Epstein before you knew about the little girls to go to that island, would you have gone? Yeah, for sure. 100%. If someone was like I'm going to, just to the island, I'm like, oh, this is sick. Sure. But if they're like, we're going to an island that's just filled with prostitutes.

It's also Thailand. It's like, people go to Thailand all the time. Oh, yeah, it's like Thailand. Yeah, it's like, it's similar vibe. If you hear people, I know people who are adults who are like, I just went to Thailand. I'm always like, all right. Yeah. All right, bro. I know.

Okay. Yeah. There's a lot of widowed men from the Midwest. Yeah. With cargo shorts and Hawaiian shirts. But no, knowing, like, Having no context that it was a child sex ring. If they're like there's a bunch of babes jerking guys off on an island,

it was like, I can't even pretend to be. I'd be like, no. Would you go, if you knew it was a child sex ring, based on your special where you say, if you knew that you had this fantasy about going into the car and ripping the guy out and getting the police and all that, would you have gone to Epstein's Island and tried to free people? Indiana Jones' them, yeah.

Yeah. For sure. Yeah. What would you bring? for equipment. It's a whip. Just a whip. One whip and a hat.

That's all he needed. Against the Nazis. Yeah. No, I don't, yeah, I don't, I, you know what's funny too, though? And it's like, you know, obviously not in defense of Epstein's Island. In the 90s, it was like, jail bait

was the thing people laughed about. Yeah. When they were like, oh, I'm fucking a 17 year. Like, that movie, I always say that show, Californication, the first episode, the pilot. That's right. David Du Coveny, sex was like a 17, 16,

year old girl. 16. And no one at the time, you 16, no one was like, this was outrageous. People were back then, they kind of thought,

and that was like early 2000s. Dude. But people thought that shit was like cool. Yeah. So they didn't think they were. David Bowie was dating a 14 year old and Jimmy Page was dating a 14 year old.

That was the 70s. Now Epstein's, yeah, they were kind of partying like 2013. Yeah. Yeah. What about fucking jokes

about priests and altar boys? That was a joke. That was a, whole genre of comedy. I know. I mean, it was funny. Yeah. That was, yeah, but they weren't like,

you're not joining the church and having sex with kids. That's like a little different. Yeah. You know, they were going to the island. But it was like, I don't know, that, like jail, like in the 90s especially, that whole like, oh, she's jailbate. Yeah.

People would laugh. Now it's like, you're a fucking pedophile. Right. And, you know, I don't think you should have sex with teenagers. I think it's wrong. But it's like, I don't want to be like, well, hold on. Guys are partying.

But it's totally. I think we just found our clip. for this week's episode. But it really was. In the 90s it was totally different. Like the 70s was like you could for real have a 14-year-old girlfriend if you're Jimmy Page and people were like, no problem. 90s was like you're kind of a weirdo, but like, but now, yeah, that's like people are

way more serious about that. People are even more serious about like just even dating, you know, like Bill Belichick, the shit that he got about dating or he married that girl, right? Did he marry her? Did he marry her? Yeah, I think he married. Yeah, he did. Makes sense.

Yeah, that's the thing too. And here's the thing, though, it's like, okay, Epstein, child sex ring, horrible. Obviously, I don't want to, I'm not saying like, guys, it wasn't a big deal. It was a big deal. It was bad. But those guys who were going there, for real thought they were being, like, kind of cheeky. And I think in their heads, they were like, oh, man, what are the boys up to you now? Oh, we have some child sex slaves.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Yeah. It was club mad. Yeah. But, yeah, I don't know, man. But, yeah, the belich. Now they're really, that's the thing they're doing now where they're checking guys for even dating younger women. Yeah.

But there is, I would say, well, it's not even weird. It's just like, yeah, he just wants essentially like a sex toy. Yeah. Because if you're 70 talking to a 24-old girl, I would hope she seems like, they seem childish. You talk to them and you're just kind of like, oh, dude, you're kind of clueless. But he doesn't care because he wants to have sex with her. All right, it's time for This is a segment

I'm trying to make This is a segment we call Fastballs with Fits There we go I'm trying to think of there's anything else I wanted to ask before we get to that A humble offering is the special Get it

Get it on Netflix You're on tires That's pretty good Yeah Fucking love that show That show's good Talk about not spending a lot of money On production value

Jesus Christ. Yeah, they bang it out, man. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, all right. So here's fast-level fits. These are quick questions. Have you ever been arrested?

Once. For what? Underage drinking. Did you have to spend the night in jail? One night. What was that like? Uh, it sucked. It was really bad.

Did you get a nickname or anything? No, I was there by, I, oh, actually, I got arrested early. I got arrested at like noon. Hmm. I was, I was in jail. I spent the day in jail. And they let me out at like one in the morning. Oh, okay.

And I drove home. No. You bailed yourself out? They just let me out because I was there for, I had been there for so long. And then once I was being like, I was being like horrible. When I was in there, I was shaking the cages around, I was spitting and yelling at the officers. And then I passed out and I woke up the jail, it was St. Patty's Day. The jail was just packed.

Really? I woke up at nighttime, the jail was packed and everyone was yelling at the cops. And I had sobered up a little. So I started being like, guys, come on, man. Take a Dede on these guys. And they did a shift change. They didn't see that I was in there being like an asshole. And they were like, what are you in here for?

I'm like, dude, my friend got drunk and I got tied up in this and they just let me out. I love it. Nothing on the record. No, I got it was called probation before the judge. So it was a thing. As long as I didn't get in trouble again, they expunged it. So when I went to court and I got kicked out of Grotto's pizza in Wilmington Delaware. So there's a guy in a grotto shirt.

And it had been like months. So I sat there. talk to the guy. He had no idea we were going on trial against each other. And so I just chatted him up and they called me back there. I was like, all right, it's our time. And he was just like, what the fuck? And then the cop who had arrested me showed up to court because he had a bone to pick because I was just the whole way there, just hammering these guys. And so he showed up and I had got, I had like my combed over hair, buttoned up shirt.

And I was like, Your Honor, I'd never drank before that. I had just, I was like, I'm embarrassed by my actions. And she was like, she basically was like, we're going to. to let you go. If you don't get in trouble again, nothing. The cop is actually like, Your Honor, I, like, he, like, kind of spoke up against me being like, you don't understand this guy as an asshole. But she was like, no. What a dick. I know. I had, I had kind of, I had fucking gave this guy a lot of shit the whole night, though, just talking shit, tell him I was on a beat his job. I know. Then, luckily, he, it was one of my favorite things in life where, so I was

leaving the court, the ruling was final, and I just remember looking at the cop and just went, gave him just a little smirk, and he was like, he fucking ass. That's great. So that's my night. It was like my day in jail. Where'd you lurid you of virginity? I told you mine. In like a backyard somewhere.

I had outdoor sex as well. Was it on the grass? Yeah. Isn't it amazing what we put teenage girls through? Her ass is in the mud. Yeah. And it's always like, you know, I grew up in New York as well. So you go out, you're trying to get the second base in the woods.

your hand is about 23 degrees and you're jamming it up this training bra and she's got to pretend she's enjoying it. Yeah. No, it's kind of terrifying because you're like, you don't realize it's like, all right, like teenagers will have sex like anywhere. Yeah.

Like literally an animal. And the girls are not enjoying it at first. We're no good at it. Not at all. Yeah, I think I was like hammered too. I think I just like went soft half by through. Oh, you did? Yeah, I drank like 15 beers.

I was fucking rocked. Have you ever seen her since? Yeah, actually. I ran into her not too long, like months and months, maybe a couple years ago. What's that like? I remember in college I ran into her and I was like hammered. And I was just like, I've fucking lost my Virginia to you. And she was like with her friends.

And she was like, ah. Oh, really? She was a good sport. She was laughing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't think we've seen each other really since. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Who's the worst opener you've ever had in a comedy club? It's like a random guy. I don't know. I mean, you get a lot of guys who were just kind of pretty bad, but I had someone one time who, it was,

because usually I'll bring at least a feature, and I didn't bring anyone. I was like, whatever, I'll just go and let the club provide me. And there was start to fit, it was feature. The opener was pure silence the entire time. Because, you know,

when they, like, drop down the menu or like that thing, and it's like, oh, today we're having a show and they put like the, like the, upcoming comedians. Yeah, they put like to all the clips of Ronnie Dangerfield and all that shit. So it was a lady

and she saw that come down thinking that they were announcing her so she stood in front of the screen for like five minutes. Just in total silence while they did all. It was like a six minute thing. And then that went up

and then she went up to pure silence and then the feature followed her with just like a completely silent bomb as well and I was like, holy fuck. That was the worst. At Amigate, we were talking about Norm McDonald yesterday and he said that Adam used to bring the worst openers he could find.

He loved watching them bomb before he went on. He said Norma bring... Norm McDonald will bring the worst opener. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one guy was autistic, and he would never get laughs. And I know the guy is a really nice guy. He books comedy rooms, but he's the worst comedian. And Norm would just sit there dying of laughter.

Yeah. That's hilarious. No, I feel bad. I don't like when the openers don't do well because I'm like, you know, I want the whole show to be good. Yeah. But yeah, double silent bomb is brutal. What's the close you came to a fist fight on stage?

I was in Phoenix, Arizona, and I, like, just started headlining, and I remember my wife, I think she has family in Arizona, so we were, like, kind of like, I was going to do the show, then let her, like, kind of visit family or whatever. And so she had, like, my wife and kids came with me, so my wife came to the show with me, and, like, the one, I forget what it was called, CB Live or whatever, I don't know if they have the room anymore, but it was like set up where there's like the stage, but then you have like the regular tables and chairs, but then you have these booths over here. There's a guy in like a booth who was just talking the entire time.

And I was like, oh, yeah, okay, be quiet. And then my wife just took it upon herself to go over and be like, hey, shut up. And the guy, I don't know what he said to her, but I heard her say, what did you say to me? I was on stage. And I was like, motherfucker. And I started like spazzing out. Really? Yeah.

And I tried to play it off. Like I was like, oh, I'm just kidding. guy, but I had like completely kind of lost it. Yeah. Yeah, that was bad. It's so funny how when the crowd sees you lose it, you almost can never get them back. Yeah, it was hard. You've blown the whole image that you're just a happy go lucky, funny dude.

I know. Yeah. I try to do the cool thing where I was like, why don't you come up on stage, like make fun of him? He just came up, he was hammered. He's like, you're fucking gay, man, and then walked off. And I was like, that didn't go my way. Oh, fuck. That was tough.

Oh. Finally, what is the hackiest bit that you've ever done in your act? Oh, do, do, do, do, do, dun, I, the worst ever was I, so I used to have a, a joke about, so when I, you know, I would, I, I was dating my wife or whoever, and it'd be like, when I was with a black woman and black guys would see me with her and be like, can't even handle all that ass or whatever. that when I would see a white guy with black women, it would all build where I would say the same thing. Like, oh, man, I can't even handle that ass. But I had to do a clean show one time. They told me right for one on, like, no cursing or anything.

It was like an Armenian church. And I remember having to say, like, you can't even handle all that booty. And I just sounded. As it left my mouth, I was like, fuck. That was the worst. I was like, I don't think I'd do that. I've never done the joke.

I don't think after that. It's like, yeah, I feel terrible. Yeah, that's a little. In terms of like the hackiest bit, I don't know. That one felt the worst, Rosas. Yeah. Yeah. But I have to go back and think it.

There's probably a million. That's why I try not to take any gigs, but they tell me what to say. Yeah, I never. They have to pay me a lot of money to do that now. Yeah. I do that to every, when I have like a new opener at a club, I always wait till like five minutes for about to go on. I go, by the way, dude, totally clean.

And they go, oh. I get them like a minute of that. I'm like, no, I'm kidding. You can do whatever. I have started to tell my opening acts, not to do crowd work. Yeah, that's nice. I just don't think, number one, I'm doing them a favor because if you want to, look,

if you're a feature, your goal should be to headline this club next time you come back. The Booker's not going to headline you if you're doing crowdwork as a feature. Yeah. They want to see you, you got 20 minutes. You should have so much good material that you're cramming it into that set. Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. Yeah.

The opener, I don't mind because he's got to walk up cold. Yeah. If he wants to talk to people a little bit, that's great. Yeah. But the feature shouldn't do any crowd work. That's fair. Yeah. And they should, every time I come off stage, they should be like, that was amazing.

Yeah. Features a sweet spot. It really is the sweetest spot. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Oh, you're telling them they come off and be like, those guys sucked. Oh, I don't like that.

Don't tell me they suck. Because that just means you bomb. That has nothing to do with me. Tell me if there's someone talking, I want to know. True. But I don't want your overall taste. ache on the crowd. Yeah.

Or they'll come off and go, they just want to hear you, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do that. They're here for you, dude. Yeah. All right, listen, we talked about the special. It's called a humble offering.

Check that out. Check out the podcast, the super secret podcast with Shane. Matt and Shane's secret podcast? Whatever. I mean, people know. People know. You got tour dates coming up. You can see.

Where is my tour dates? Hold on. Here we go. Vegas, big tour. Between now and May, you're gone, dude. Vegas, Denver, Boise, Salt Lake City, Cleveland, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Pittsburgh, St. Louis, Indy, St. Paul, Des Moines, Phoenix, Tucson, Toronto, Chicago. Dude, making some money. You're making some money right now.

Because you're doing theaters now. theaters, yeah. They're smaller, but they're still good. They're still good, yeah, for sure. Do theaters, and then you got this podcast. I saw your guy's podcast has like 300,000 Patreon. Number one on Patreon. No. We're number one. I thought Tim Dillon was number one. I guess you overtook them. I think he, no, I think he like doesn't do Patreon anymore. Why would he give that money out? I don't know. So 300,000 people, how much do they pay you each? One penny. It varies. They can pay a dollar, you know, they can pay five, whatever. Fuck.

Yeah. You don't even need to go on the road. I know, but, you know, you always got to, you know, you got to keep everything going. Then you got the ads on the podcast on top of that. Yep. You got your tires money. I mean. That'll pay your flight to get there and back.

True. All right, well, I'm happy for you, man. You deserve it. Yeah, you're very funny and good dude. Thank you. Thanks for being on. We'll see you next time. Appreciate you.