Fitzdog Radio - Neal Brennan - Episode 1050

Episode Date: April 23, 2024

Just a couple of surly Mics trying to figure out how to be happier. With some results. Follow Neal Brennan on IG @NealBrennan

Welcome to FitzDog Radio, your intrepid host. Happy Earth Day, everybody. I'm taping this on Earth Day, April 22nd. And a little toast. I want to make it my Earth Day toast to my father-in-law, Joel Covell, who's no longer with us, but he was a very influential environmentalist. He probably published a dozen books in his life. Very esteemed college professor, had a chair at Bard University.

And one of his books, which, what was it called? Hold on, I wrote it down somewhere. Can't remember. But anyway, it was a big book. Not only here, but like all over China. It was like big book, not only here, but like all over China. It was like really influential. He used to go to China and lecture and edited a newsletter for environmentalists. Anyway, this guy really walked the walk.

He had like this house in Woodstock, New York, and he wore the Birkenstocks, and he was like me, unshaven. and he wore the Birkenstocks and he was like me, unshaven. Had a fucking, whatchamacallit, instead of a toilet, he had a compost. He shit right into a compost. But he lived the life. And he basically died. And when he died, he had requested that his body not be embalmed because it's bad for the earth. And so we took him, he was put in a wicker basket with flowers and, uh, leaves and stuff

thrown all over him. And then we carried him into the woods. I was one of the pallbearers we carried his body into the woods and we just put it in the ground i don't even know if it was legal i i don't know if we were allowed to do it it was on the outskirts of the graveyard um anyway he's had a piece he always had a big influence on me he's always a guy who um he was a great grandfather he's really cared about his grandkids a lot. It was very sweet. Miss him. And his grandkids are here now. The nephews are visiting my wife's sister's kids. It is hard because they are I think they're 13 and 10. What a fucking handful. And I love these kids. They're interesting and they're fun and they're just great.

But I forgot how fucking hard it was just feeding them. And they take things out and don't put them back. You spend a lot of time just reorganizing. And you have to pay attention because you fuck kids up i like my biggest thing is i have adhd and i never wanted to feel like i was ignoring my kids but um so i do a lot like i tell them jokes ever since they were little i've always told them like dad jokes like really corny jokes like their favorite one when they were little was, uh, what do you call a fish with no eyes? They love that. I still love it. It's a solid piece of comedy. And then I told them, I asked their parents, can I tell them a dirty joke, like a

shit joke? And they were like, of course these kids grew up, they live in Harlem. They grew up in New York City. You know, as an 11-year-old, my nephew was taking the subway through Harlem to school every day. Very street smart, very cool kids. Anyway, so I told them this. I don't know if you know this joke, but a guy's at a bar and he's shit-faced. He's annihilated.

And he gets so drunk that he vomits all over his shirt. And he looks at his friend and he goes, Oh my God, what am I going to do? I got to go home. I see my wife. I got vomit on my shirt. His buddy goes, Look, take $20 out of your pocket.

Give me the $20. He sticks it in the guy's shirt pocket. He goes, You go home. You tell your wife. A guy next to you at the bar threw up on your shirt. Gave you 20 bucks to dry clean. A guy goes, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard. I was genius. I'm going to buy you another shot. Does another shot and another shot. Comes home two hours later, fumbling with his keys in the door, wakes his wife. He walks in,

she's standing there and she goes, look at you. Look at you are. You're drunk. You got vomit on your shirt. And he goes, no, look at my shirt pocket. The guy threw up on me. He gave me money to dry clean. He gave me twenty dollars. She reaches in the pocket. She pulls out a hundred dollar bill and she goes, this is a hundred. The guy goes, he shit my pants. goes this is a hundred the guy goes he shit my pants great so i told him that joke and they were they were howling and the parents were fine with it i want to be that uncle i had an uncle paul that was i i said i had some goody two-shoes uncles my uncle francis and my uncle mike who who i loved but they were very um um, they were just good Catholic solid guys who grew up Catholic in

the Bronx and lived the life each had. They had kids and raised them well. And anyway, my uncle Paul was more of like, he was a sailor. He was in the Navy and he's telling me dirty jokes. He was great. Irvine Improv, thanks for coming out this weekend. We packed it, and it's a big room. It's like 400, 450 seats. And so thanks for coming out. So, you know, 450 in each show and a total of maybe nine black people all weekend which uh it was a little odd it's a little weird uh especially it's like the guy that i have open for me is black and i think he's like where

the fuck are you bringing me um this this guy uh chris is fucking great chris Riggins. He's a really funny comic. Opens for Chappelle a lot on the road. And he was great. Local guy. He was a door guy at the comedy store. And now he's moved on, quit the day job, and now he's doing comedy full time. So look for him, support him. I had a couple that came out that showed me on their phone pictures. This was the 11th time they'd come out and seen me. And one of those times was their first date. And so they showed me the pictures of each 11 times. They had it in a little folder. And I was wearing the same shirt in three of the photos.

So here's the thing when you go on the road. You get a shirt that is wrinkle free, that looks sharp. That's a strong color. Uh, you're going to wear that shirt a lot. Uh, I'm not a big shopper. I find some shirts I like, I bring them on the road. If I'm there for three nights, I'm bringing two shirts. I'm going to repeat, I'm going to repeat a shirt and I'm there for three nights, I'm bringing two shirts. I'm going to repeat a shirt. And I'm going to keep them for years. And I'm going to take good care of them. But you're going to see the same shirt.

You may see the same act sometimes if you come for 11 years. You may see some of the same jokes. But I think it's more romantic for them. I'm like their Cupid. It's very beautiful. What else? Oh, driving home last night. This was surreal. I'm driving home. It's like 11 o'clock on a Sunday night and I'm going down La Cienega and there's a car next to me and it has no driver. They're called, i forget what the fuck they're called but they're uh foley oh foley i think it's good no no no what's the brand i forget what it's called but it was so surreal it's got

like cameras all over it and a spinning camera on top and and uh and it pulled up in the right it's a three last thing is three lanes going down but nobody goes in the right lane. Last thing I know, there's three lanes going down. But nobody goes in the right lane because the right lane has got potholes and people pull out of side streets. It's a very dangerous road. This driverless car is going right down the right lane. And I see it. And I pull up at the light next to him. Him.

I don't know if it's a him. It's her. I don't know what fucking pronoun an electric car uses. They are next to me. So I pull up ahead and I try to just to test them, them, I try to push them off the road. So I ease into that lane and they just slow down and stop. And I stop them. And then I keep driving. And then it was, it just, just made my stomach drop. I was like, it's here. It's happening.

It's over. I heard something like 3 million truck drivers will lose their jobs in the next five years. Five years. Because here's the thing. Once a company can get away with this, why would they pay somebody? Why wouldn't they just spend that amount of money that they'd pay for one year for a driver into a driverless technology that they never have to pay somebody that, by the way, will make less mistakes on the road. You will pay less insurance on the truck. It will conserve gas because it will drive exactly the way you program it to drive.

It will drive through the night. Truck drivers have to get a break. I don't know if you know this, but they have to clock in and out and take breaks. Not this fucking truck. It's just going to keep on driving. And it's going to drive past a lot of unemployed people, more disgruntled unemployed people.

And I thought about my kids, and I thought about the uber jobs that are gone and I just it just my heart sank I don't know some people say be hopeful these jobs create jobs I don't know I don't know what the fuck my kids are gonna do you know and what about these who says they are that good you know there, there's technical glitches. These things could go barreling into, they can't, I don't know. Like, is a cop, if it fucks up, does a cop pull over a driverless car? Is it programmed to pull over when it sees lights and a siren? Does it know? Does it know? And who gets the ticket? Say the cop wrote a ticket.

Who would he give it to? Could she? I don't know that the cop said he. It could be a she. Who's she going to give the ticket to? I don't know. What if you're drunk? What if you're drunk and you have a driverless car and you get pulled over,

but you weren't driving? You're just in it. Do you get pulled over, but you weren't driving. You're just in it. Do you get a DUI? These are the questions I want to ask. I don't know. Other gigs coming up. Carpinteria just announced the Alcazar Theater on May 3rd. May 7th, I will be running in the Two Bear 5K.

Segura and Bert asked me to run in some kind of a, I don't know if it's for charity, but there's a poster out. You can come, you can also run if you'd like to. I don't know how. I'll be in Mimarinik at the Emmeline Theater, May 31st. Escondido at the Grand Comedy Club, June 7th and 8th. Pittsburgh at the WDVE Festival, June 21st with Harlan Williams. Get tickets for all of these adventures at FitzDawg.com. And now let's get to some emails.

Adam Bean wrote in, I just heard your Pete Holmes interview. What a delight he is. Being around Pete is like feeding your soul Rice Krispie treats. Well, that about sums it up. He is delightful and sweet. Please consider a phone call segment on Sunday Papers with one news story to which he gives his thoughts or experiences. Another few years of Sunday Papers, you'll be able to take it on tour and pitch it as a TV show. Already shot a pilot take it on tour and pitch it as a TV show. Already shot a pilot for it.

Couldn't sell it as a TV show. I guess nobody reads a newspaper anymore, so they don't know what the fuck we're talking about. And then I got this piece of email, and maybe you can tell me, should I follow up on this? It's an opportunity. Hi, my name is Omar Salada,

franchise consultant at Franchise Creator, the world's leading private equity-backed franchise development firm. What does that even mean? I would like to speak to the owner of Greg Fitzsimmons about opening up more locations through franchising. And then, uh, Omar gives me some information how to get in touch with them. So I don't know, maybe,

uh, whoever owns Greg Fitzsimmons, I got to find out who owns me, but maybe he can open up more of me. Then there is one from a Brad Chotillion, Chotillion, who said, uh,

point of sale donations. You are correct that retailers get accolades from charities when they hand them a big check from point of sales donations. I was talking about when you go to Walgreens and they try to hit you up for a dollar for St. Jude's or some bullshit. But they do not get a tax deduction. I read that they're really strict on that. The donor may claim a deduction, but not the retailer. Here's my idea. When they say round up 49 cents and give a donation to whomever,

how about I round down and you send 51 cents? I like that. How about that? How about you match what I pay? Walgreens. match you match what i what i pay walgreens uh we got some overheards but we will get to those later i want to get to my interview with the great this guy's been on the podcast as much as anybody i've ever had on he's got a new special called crazy good he's the youngest of 10 children i knew him i've known him for 30 years

since he was a doorman at the Boston Comedy Club back when Chappelle and Attell and Jay Moore and all the great ones, Mike Royce. We're all banging around doing sets. He was a door guy. And now he's a very successful comedian. He co-created Chappelle's show. He co-wrote Half Baked.

He's got some other specials called Three Mics and Unacceptable and Blocks. So I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. Here's my chat with the great Neil Brennan. great neil brennan uh welcome to the show back to the show neil brennan my god multiple multiple time champion and this is the first time I've done it in this on this roof in Venice and it's good to be here

not near it's not good to be outside of that closet near that commuter airport that used to have us do it in that was intimate wasn't it at best near that commuter airport that used to have us do it in. That was intimate, wasn't it? Just at best. Do you know what I paid for that place?

$350 a month for 13 years. Yeah, it showed. You get what I mean, you get what I mean. Yeah, you do. And this place is $22,000 a month for me wow yeah worth it totally totally worth it that's why i have my daughter working for me pretty great yeah and a couple of real hunks it's a good looking staff i'll tell you and i think in podcasting that's the key who's the best looking podcaster that's big?

Well, Tosh is doing a podcast. Oh, okay. There's a lot of, I mean, are you comedy people or just regular people? No, comedy people. Tosh? Yeah. Tosh is always one of the better looking comedians. Yeah, he's crisp.

He's got a good American look. Segura's gotten better looking when he lost weight. Schultz is good looking. It's funny. When I see Segura lose weight or Jimmy Kimmelel lose weight you really do kind of go like no liked fat better uh like you're you they're more relatable yes i think that's what it is but you get more fans skinny you think so yeah tell me about it right hello angular i would call hello yeah uh no you get more people would rather watch a good looking person than a relatable person that's

probably true yeah because you're getting the comedy yeah why not also get a rock hard erection i mean kind of so i'm not gonna say who say who, but somebody was casting a huge comedy movie. It's now considered a classic. And it was a bunch of guys, and they were all sort of mediocre looking. And the producer was like, can we have one good looking guy in the movie? Yeah. Just fucking one. Right.

Instead of like, yeah, they're all funny, but just one good just a movie star there's movie stars for a reason just can we have one movie star yeah and i won't say who it was well i think judd is pretty uh he doesn't care too much about you know he's he had what's his name is always good looking james franco but he's gone now jason siegel's not bad looking he's all all right. He's pretty average. Yep. I mean, if you look at the old sitcoms, look at Ethel and Fred on I Love Lucy. Right, but they're not the leads. Right.

Lucille Ball's good looking. Yeah. Desi is great looking. Archie Bunker and Edith. Ugly. A couple of uggos. Yeah. I mean, look, we can go back and forth. The entire friends cast gorgeous

yes or not gorgeous but good looking um seinfeld's kind of good looking like you know what i mean like he's not okay yeah like he's not ugly i think you want to be elaine's great looking yeah i think you want to be good looking without i mean friends proves this wrong but you don't want to be beautiful you want to be good looking. Right. Yeah. But like Kristen Wiig's also good looking. Poehler's good looking. Tina's good looking. Yeah.

There's a lot of good looking people. Would you consider me good looking? I wouldn't and nor would anyone. I think probably what was most hurtful about my answer was the speed. It was fast. And there was a follow up. You could have said no. Because I was so heated. Yeah. From the original. I had so much adrenaline that you even asked me. and there was a follow-up you could have you could have said i was so heated yeah from the

original i had so much adrenaline that you even asked me i think it was me asking what to do with if somebody else had asked you excess adrenaline i was like what am i gonna do with this i'm gonna tag my i'm gonna tag my bit tag it yeah if somebody else had said do you think greg fitzsimmons is good looking you probably would have gone not so much then i would have rooted for you yeah yeah and now in the underdog now yeah the u.s it's what's to root for fucking well piece of garbage where i think you have to be irish to really find either one of us good looking there has to be some in your dna that clicks into this oh come on you're in it um i am stupid enough to think i'm a little better looking than you do you think that i do i'm but again you're younger i'm rooting for it yeah yeah who am i

gonna root for yeah i mean we'd have to do i don't know if your daughter would can't although it would be great if your daughter said that i was better looking than you uh you'd have to of course cancel this the whole podcast um if your daughter you have to shut it down yeah yeah yeah that i would call itunes to go shut this motherfucker down um yeah i think i'm better a little like not it's not a blowout no it's not a blowout but you also i'm a lot older than you yeah not a lot actually some somehow yeah something i think i've aged harder yeah in my time that's where the no kids help yeah daughter again daughter and it would be a real sweet payoff if she knew why you were i was better looking than you and still punish you for it again in other words because

of her i'm the product of her my looks are a product yeah it's her fault right right right she's still like i don't know what to tell you yeah sorry chief yeah loyalty only goes so far yeah i mean this guy's he's the charisma machine too nb yeah okay again not the fastest race in the history of uh races uh g, Greg Fitzsimmons versus Neil Brennan in a charisma off. But, okay. Yeah. Okay. But you're charismatic in your way. I'll watch you sometimes and be like, why aren't you louder like him?

Why aren't you more, you're more like you come into a set at the comedy store and like flip over tables. Yeah. Like, all right, listen here, pussies. You tell her on stage or backstage. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. On stage. You like, that's, I don't know if you've always been like that. I kind of feel like you have. Yeah.

Most places you will flip the table and be like, all right, look up, listen, take control. Yeah. Yeah. I think it comes out of fear.

I think for me, like, comedy is very much like a fight or flight response. Not me. Absolutely me. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. I think that night after night, and I actually don't even want to acknowledge it because I don't want to deconstruct it and have it not work anymore.

But for 35 years, I have put myself in a position that makes me uncomfortable and fought my way out of it. My buddy Bajan calls it a car accident. He's like, you get into a car accident every night. I was like, I do. Yeah, that's right. And I train my body to act like it's fine. Yeah.

But it's not. No. It's just, yeah but it's not now it's just yeah it's not it i but and then having said that george bush or george burns lives to be 100 so oh i think it keeps you young actually i think it's a i think it's a really good you in exercise you want to shock your body they say do different exercises each time so your body doesn't learn it. And I think stand-up is like a completely different terrain every time you go on and you're adjusting to it. And, you know, I think that during the pandemic, I realized that not only is it a car crash, it's a car crash that I need. Like without it, I kind of flatlined. Like without it, I kind of flatlined. Yeah, I didn't flatline, but I realized it's a car accident that I don't need.

I like it. Yeah. But I don't, it's not, I hadn't, I'd only been doing it 15 years in the pandemic, whereas you had done 30. So it was like, all right, you know, this is is i can be i've also realized that there are so many different ways to be a comedian that where we all thought like no you have to be a tell you have to be david tell there's only one way to be a comedian and it's david tell yeah and then now i'm kind of like i think i don't have to be david tell right. I think I can be something else. Or whatever. I don't have to do it.

You got to do seven spots a night for 30 years. Yeah. Or not. Because that's not how Pryor did it. That's not how Carlin did do it that way. But so what? That doesn't mean anything. Yeah.

Chris Rock takes long periods off. Like, people take time off. Louis took time off. Like, you can take time off. Yeah. It's not that good at anything. Yeah. Chris Rock takes long periods off. Like people take time off. Louis took time off. Like you can take time off. Yeah. Yeah. If you, I think doing it that much at the beginning is helpful,

but like once you figure it out, uh, somebody, the other trap that, and I won't say who you can, everybody can get sound off in the comments. Somebody made a special fairly recently and it was all of their jokes were like so i called the concierge which is like how do you think this is what normal people's life is like yeah right like

just constantly calling the concierge and dealing with like you know i was dealing with my handyman and my fucking my groundskeeper yeah and uh servant comedy it was the name of the special uh um so yeah so i'm more i don't know the i'm i it's the good part about aging is you go oh everyone's fucking full of shit and lying and or guessing and the idea of having there being one way to do it is so wrong yes and like i'm not even gonna pretend that that's the right way to it's silly to act like no that's how you do it it's like i've been the last couple years whenever i do tv I really try, I really practice. And I, and I did Fallon last week and I spent the morning and afternoon, or it was the beginning, three hours in the afternoon in my room, writing it out over and over and over again. And then I, and I wrote out what he was going to say. And then I

wrote out what I would say. And A, I came up with a bunch of new shit, which was great. And then I went to the show. And I'm in the dressing room. And I know a lot of people there. And they're coming in. And finally I was like, hey, I just have to be like an NFL place kicker. Let me be weird.

Let me be off to the side and work in my hips and my leg. And when I make the field goal, we're all going to hug. Let me make the field goal. Instead of this thing of like, I don't even know how. Chappelle's a good and bad example of most things, which is like he's so fluent that he's just like, yeah, man,

he's smoke. Yeah. And you walk out there and crush. He'll be in the middle of a sentence backstage and he'll just walk on. Yeah. And then you destroy and it's the greatest show anyone's ever seen. It's like, all right,

well that's not that. I can't do that. Yeah. So I'm just going to admit that I have to work hard. Yeah. And do that. No, it's a store.

I mean, you learn this in New York, following a tell, following Louis CK, following Chappelle, you know, back when we were in New York. And it's like,

you learn that you can't do what the guy ahead of you just did. Right. Because I'll follow, I follow Bobby Lee. For some reason, they put me on after Bobby Lee, like every night at the store. And this guy is up there for six years yeah dalia yeah these guys are just destroying i'm a charisma machine oh that guy oozes charisma yeah and so you gotta say i always

have to say to myself go ahead no but and i watch you and I actually get something from watching YouTube because I see a guy go in and you lock into your energy and you lock into your point of view and they find you. It doesn't always happen in the first joke or two, but the, but by the third joke, you, you're locked in. Yeah. And, um, and I think that's. Because I can't win at, the bobby game right when i follow by tell you

what i do to undercut bobby they give it up for bobby lee he looks like homeless ali wong lets him know i'm racist yeah sex i'm all kind and it lets him know i'm not he's done yeah i used to say before he got big i used to say how about here for bobby lee uh and his new film crazy poor asians great great also serves the same purpose right right we're both racist again yeah if you're white these you got to write your own yeah but undercut them racially and let them know that that part of the show is over. But yeah, no, it is like you. I can't do anything else. Yeah.

It's like, well, this is what it's going to be. What do you want to do? What do you want? We're on a date. Yeah. 15 minute date. You want to sulk? Yeah.

Or you want to enjoy yourself? You can sulk. Yeah. And I'm going to say the same thing. Yeah. Whether you're sulking or not sweetie yeah sweetie um well and it's always it's like dating a woman and she used to date fill in the blank yeah and it's like yeah she used to date bobby lee yep she used to date chris delay she usually bobby lee she used to date she was just dating him yeah before i came and ruined

it right um but i'm all you got you got me that's it this is i actually said that to a girlfriend one time i go this is all god wanted for you this is it honey you like it this is it this is all you get you know what and this is what you deserve yeah maybe This is all you get. You know what? And this is what you deserve. Yeah, maybe. This is all you deserve. At the end of the day, maybe you did this to yourself. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah.

I think that's what a relationship ultimately is, is two people kind of like you shot higher and then you finally found somebody and you both grab the other person. You grab the other, you go, this is as good as I'm going to do. And you grab them and luck. And if you're lucky, they're saying the same thing.

And both people feel like they're getting a good deal. And then, and as a guy, you may go, she couldn't do better than you. No, she tried. Yeah.

Couldn't do it. Couldn't, couldn't, couldn't put up with that level. My level. Cause I'm better looking than you of the the bullshit that i would put it through yeah yours is a lower level bullshit because you're uglier so you can only get away with so much i can get away with a lot and yeah but you're that's exactly right and i was thinking about our friend mike evans on the way over here because uh he once said being married is uh sitting around being sad with your wife

that's horrible it's incredibly six months before he got divorced wow um but it was it was there's something to it no for. For some people. For some people. For some people. I am the most happily married guy you've ever met. 25 years this summer. Fantastic. And when I hear comments,

I've never said anything bad about her on stage. Yeah. And I think that's part of it is maybe I'm not the happily, most happily married guy in the world, but if I believe I am, I am. I think as soon as you start saying marriage is sitting around being said, well, now it is because you're projecting that. Well, now you want to make the joke work.

Right, exactly. Yeah, now you're going to want to make your premise work. Yeah, well, you're talking about a different thing that's been a big thing for me which is gratitude and I may have told you on the phone so I've

been I had like an MDMA thing which I'd like to bring you into but MDMA probably eight months ago took MDdma was able to forgive all of my many enemies my many many enemies that i carry around everywhere i go i'm a gr i'm 80 i'm 90 percent grudge if you take the graduate you just collapse collapse onto the ground. Yeah, it's nothing. It's teeth. And the, so I was able to, and I was like, why was I able to forgive everyone yesterday? And the reason was because I had positive chemicals in my brain for once.

Serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin. Normally, I don't have any of that i have cortisol yeah and adrenaline if you're flooded with cortisol adrenaline most of the time which i have been and you probably are as well you start to look at the world you start framing things like that so your frame instead of instead of appreciation or joy or happiness it becomes like justice and retribution yeah so i realized that like i have a machine in my brain i have a kitchen in my brain that's just making lead sandwiches yeah and i'm eating it guys good sound and i and i was like i'm just gonna stop listening to my brain so i've stopped listening to my brain i i just go like no no i'm not i don't even believe that because if i'm mad on friday and forgiving on saturday what's even my personality i don't

have any fixed beliefs right i thought my fixed beliefs was like well when they do this then i i have no choice so i've been writing in a i've been doing i was doing a gratitude checklist once a day talking to somebody tell me you're doing like three times now i'm doing it so someone goes why don't you do it more than now when you do it i was talking about islam and saying how like praying five times a day is about right because you forget yeah you know what i mean it's like why they have i try to do a joke one time there's churches on every block because that's how long church lasts you know what i mean like you're like fucking you leave church you're like people are good

and then by the end you're like fuck people you know and then you see the church and like people are good yeah um so islam prays five times a day i was like someone said why don't you write in that journal five times i was like fine i've been doing it like three or four times a day yeah and and it's not even a journey i just checklist the facts of my life right and my life is unequivocally great so you're just describing i'm just describing objectively what is a good right in my life right and it can be career shit it can be your you have legs it can be career shit. It can be your, you have legs. It can be you're healthy. It can be it's sunny out in LA. It can be whatever the positive, you have a family, you have a debt, happily married,

the bullshit you tell yourself. But it really is like it changes the weather in your brain. Right. Instead of just like taking the temperature, you can actually like be like the Chinese military and shoot bombs. Yeah. You can cloud seed. You can control the weather like the Jews and the Chinese.

And you can actually control. And it's been a it's been a huge boon. So it's not about because so much of therapy is trying to get. Well, it's honoring your feelings, it's also uh trying to nullify the negative things it's trying to put to rest your um traumas and and at a certain point i made a transit because i've been going to therapy as long as you have and i've tried everything as you have we've tried every you were the one that got me into electromagnetic stimulation or uh uh tms transcranial transcranial magnetic simulation i've tried it all and it's all added up i mean i think

like you there's a there's a cumulative effect that i have become a much more balanced happy person um but i think one of the big transitions i made was going from more of a psychoanalytic looking at past trauma and instead cognitive behavioral therapy where you say, hey, you know that thought you keep happen? You're allowed to swap that out for a different one. And so you're looking forward instead of back. And I find that works much better for me. Yeah, or like questioning like well i thought it so it must be true right it's science fiction most of the time it's it's literally like a world that doesn't exist and you're writing for it like this person hates you they're not thinking about you in the

slightest right this is a day they fuck me occasionally i might fuck you you fuck people probably more than they then you get fucked um you weren't ready for that were you that level of truth i had that thought the other day yeah yeah like i'm not that good of a guy i'm expecting things from people i don't necessarily give them at all yeah like when somebody ghosts me i could get so upset and then i go i fucking ghost people all the time yeah well there's like a dozen people who think you're dead yeah um um based on my looks well do with that what you will uh I like to do vague insults. And then you have to do the math yourself. You color it in.

You're like, wait a minute. What did he mean by that? I'm not going to respond to your text. I'll tell you that. Yeah, so you can change. You don't have to take your word for it. Like you're lying to yourself most of the time. Yeah.

And we're also trained to scan for threats as people so when you're when there's no threats left you go like that roof leaking yeah most people don't have a roof right and and by the way your roof's not leaking yeah but you just yeah and but and then the weird because of the way culture is now in the last social media, it's like, you can't even really, uh, be grateful or appreciative. Cause it's like, it's privilege. Okay. Yeah.

You know what guys, I'm going to keep you out of this. Yeah. I'm going to have to, then now I'm going to become like, uh, the way rich people have giant hedges. Cause they don't want people looking poor, poor people looking at it because they couldn't handle it. That's how I'm going to be with my mood now. It's like, well, then I'm just not going to bring you in if you're going to be mad at it. If I have to do a caveat. Right.

But how does that keep you from being shut off from people? It doesn't. You just selectively let people in. What being shut off from people it doesn't you just selectively let people shut off i mean what do you mean like i mean walking around in a cocoon i'm walking who it's when's the last time you walked around i mean like walking into the back hallway of the comedy store yeah that's fine but you just you uh i'm not like what am i sebastian sebastian if you're just listening about seven years ago found an entrance to the comedy store no one knows about it i don't know how he gets in i don't know i always make a

joke he like repels down from a hotel across the way i don't know where he parks yeah i don't know how he gets out but he's really reduced the riffraff in his life i think it's a hologram still still writing a lot of jokes yeah and he's on a sitcom so you seem to be fine yep that that but that's the thing of like what are you gonna you're not gonna be a man of the people yeah why so i can be around a bunch of fucking mental patients yeah right right no there's landmines that's the thing about going to comedy clubs or industry parties or anything like that is that I always am talking to somebody I don't want to be talking to. And the person that is going to bring me joy, he's over there or she's over there and I'm stuck. And so, yeah, it's hard to learn how to flow through those social situations

because I do want to be open. I do want to be available because, you know, there's a lot of, like, especially young comics at the store, maybe doormen. You want to pick up a reference? You want to pick up a... Yeah. Find out the new social medium that people are using before it's gone past me again.

How many have i missed entirely i was johnny myspace i had so many followers i fucking loved it also using the term johnny yeah really dated it yeah is this mic stand driving you crazy well only the fact that it's tilting repeatedly no it's not driving me crazy it's gonna be bad tv and bad podcast yeah just put your hand but i'll do whatever i know but it's it's a okay twenty two thousand dollars a month you think we have the mic stands figured out yeah i knew a guy who was paying 350 um yeah so i don't i'm not worried about even that thing of like isolate all right so i'll say to the crowd what's a better reference i don't yeah and again i'm not i just now a lot of times and it's maybe we've talked about this learning a lesson i don't want to learn which is i don't want to think everyone's crazy yeah

and everyone's selfish and but it seems seems pretty, pretty overwhelming at this point. Wow. Like now I'm going to the comedy store going like, this is a bunch of, it's like, I just see like an insane asylum. Yeah. I see like Shutter Island at a comedy club because I just, the shit people will say to me where I'll be like, what? All right.

All right. And, and then i have to decide like should i vaporize this person with negativity or just go like ah all right yeah but because it's their own craziness yeah yapping at me um and i'm just less interested yeah it you know how much we is there how much is it an us well that's the thing about the store is there's always been this history of it being an us and like you know clubs having an identity where people are brought up and they help each other and they support each other um that's not always the experience and it's also now everyone's a booker yeah everyone's a comic slash podcast booker yeah they want you to do their show or they don't yeah right some you might catch a

you might catch a do my open mic do, do my, do the podcast in the trunk of my car and, or you might catch Segura. Right. You know what I mean? Like you might, and, and is there, so there's the thing of like, I don't want to do the trunk of my car podcast, which is, it gets surprising about it down the list. And, and, but I do want to do Segura. Yeah.

But I don't want him to not want me to do it uh-huh so it just becomes this like tension within that probably wasn't there before right that was just like hey can you get me in at the tonight show and you go like not really and that was fun that was the end of the comment so whatever so i just think it's less it's more fraught and the the the if i just write the jokes and figure out a place to do them where they work the community part is less like meaningful well you've got your own you have a phone community like you seem like a guy that keeps in touch with people um you know like you pick up the phone anytime i call and we'll talk for an hour like nothing and i feel like you you talk to

chapelle and rock and you know uh trevor noah and you know you talk to a lot of people that are like-minded that are kind of positive people yeah I mean well I don't know how to say positive but they're moving towards something there's I think when people hear those names they go like black that's the first thing I think of that yeah

sure you're right Greg that's racist that's racist that you just noticed that rich poor Asians now all of a sudden he doesn't see race no the Trevor That's racist. That's racist that you just noticed that. Rich, poor Asians. Now all of a sudden he doesn't see race. No, Trevor, we talk about mental health stuff a lot. With anyone like a high-level showbiz person,

I just see it as like, what am I aiming at? Yeah. Like, is that the end game? Because I'm not... I mean, showbiz will take care of you one way or the other like because i'm not gonna like i don't even want their level of success like don't worry about it yeah uh but you kind of go huh well that's like the dream how's it sound how's it sound talking to them about like right what the experience is right i think most things that you would consider negative are just like it's hard being a person so it's hard being a person when you're like a target for money and whatever you're a rich celebrity that's like its own difficulty but

it's all it's all just it's all about the same amount of hard yeah unfortunately right there's no there's no escape hatch no it's almost better to find a level you like and then make your home there you know like i have a joke like i crawl my way to the middle and i'm staying right there like i i really don't look i'd like to be selling more tickets in boca on wednesday night sure but that's the extent of me going like like i don't see well, I'd like to be selling more tickets in Boca on Wednesday night. Sure. But that's the extent of me going like... Like, I don't see... Well, that's...

You know what I've done that you might want to try doing? It's just don't put yourself in situations where you're going to get embarrassed. Right. You know where I don't do shows ever? Florida. Right. You know why? Because Boca's there.

Yes. No, I don't do shows in Florida because I can look on my website and see where people are from. Uh-huh. And they're not from Florida. Right, right. They just aren't. I'm not going to be like, I got to break the market.

No. Yeah. I hear you. We don't got the chemistry. Right. Florida. Charlotte. We don't got it.

Tampa, though. Rethink Tampa. Side splitters. Good club. Don't care. Don't care. Don't got it Tampa though rethink Tampa side splitters good club don't care don't care don't need it and then what yeah

oh I do I sell out I make my bonus at side splitters yeah the seven saddest words in the English language I don't even know

how many words that is it's too many I made my bonus at side splitters that is it's too many I made my bonus at side splitters I think it's one word side splitters alright close enough yeah so I don't and that's the other thing

get old enough you go and then what well I don't know if I find a club that's great look would you go to Wisconsin normally? Madison, Wisconsin's comedy on state is one of the best comedy experiences you can have. I mean, there's clubs in cities. I did go there.

Yeah. You know, there's cities. I do that because there's college. Because I will draw, I will draw there. I do. The last time I did some, I put shows on, on i don't no one there wants to i don't do it for them yeah point taken it's like sam morrell had a joke about he was his his parents or put him up for adoption and it was like you ever want to find him he's like no i got the message

pretty loud and clear um and that's how I feel about like Florida, Ohio. I don't need to go there. Yeah. Idaho. I don't need to go to Seattle. Yeah. I'll go a bunch.

Like in certain places, I'll just, where do they want me? Great. Uh, Austin. Great. Dallas.

Not bad. Houston. Not bad. Houston's actually gotten great. I started going there a lot. I was just there for you I'm doing a show

when is it sell out Houston it was the day of the show it's a little late for me Austin was a month out so whatever I'm just gonna go places where I don't there's the emotional wear and tear is minimal.

Yeah. I can do a great show for people that want me to be there. Right. And I don't have to worry about like buying ads. Right. Fuck it. I know. It turns.

And for what? I can remember being a feature act and seeing a headliner sweat about whether the show was sold out. And when you're a feature all you care about is trying to kill trying to have fun it's all about the comedy and then you become a headliner and you have to spend 50 of your energy as like a marketer and you know worrying about sales and all that it's like running for congress once you get elected you have to spend most of your time on the phone and then i look at like a tell who we talked about earlier.

Do you see his new special by the way? Fucking great. Um, but he stayed in clubs. I mean, he could have tried to step it up to theaters cause he goes into a club and he sells it out every show and then he doesn't have to worry about it. That's exactly what I'm saying. Yeah.

Why make it hard on yourself? Right. Why do it's like if i don't have kids the point of not having kids is then i don't have to go to boca thanks jojo again jojo this is really appreciate it i mean what i really put a lot of things in perspective and then i'll call her from boca to say hi doesn't take the call why would she yeah who wants to talk to a guy in bokeh why would she it's for head it's for sellouts only um so so yeah so it's it's more like uh what i'm i'm in the what am i doing this for yeah phase and i probably am who i am phase and i probably am not going to change anyone's mind

about me phase yeah which seems like uh what was it are you like throwing in the towel no but i'm just i'm not uh gonna make myself insane trying to get to use the girl analogy again a girl who doesn't want to fuck right right well i mean i think and having said that a lot of girls want to fuck me and i'm popular so i'm i'm not but there's always someone more popular yes it's just a matter of do you let it define you and make you insane right because what you what you find is a matter of do you let it define you and make you insane? Right. Because what you find is a lot of people that are more popular presently, it doesn't last forever.

My popularity won't last forever. Theirs won't last forever. They might get unpopular. But it's also about balance. And I think that you and I have both done a lot of writing. You do directing. And when you don't put all your eggs in that one basket, it really, it doesn't hurt as much when you don't sell out in Boca because I'm,

you know, I just directed a special this past weekend and I'm coming back and I'm working on, you know, my podcast. And, but I think when you live and die, but it does make you,

doesn't it make you question the old dreams where even before we started talking when you were talking about somebody selling out and no sitcom and no like the old like no you get you do stand up and then some angel from hollywood comes yeah and plucks you and then you get a sitcom and then you get a hundred million dollars and then you go on the road sometimes and that's a career. And then, or, but it's, and then if you're stuck with that, then if you're doing a special and you'd be like, Richard Pryor didn't have to direct specials. Yeah.

Like you can make, or you can just put it in perspective and I'm more on the put it in perspective side. And I still have a lot of that like virus of like, you gotta. Oh yeah. Right. You gotta show and you gotta. But I think it was very very the first writing job i got was very humbling because i had made my way up to being a headliner and i was making good money

and i had stuff going on in my career and then i had a kid and i realized that i had missed a lot of the first year of his life by being on the road not an important year go ahead he's not gonna remember anything and so i called louis ck who was writing on Cedric the Entertainer Presents on Fox, and I was like, hey, man, you got to get me a job. And he fucking got me a job. It was that easy. And so I suddenly had to go to meetings, and I had to show up at a certain time, and I had to work late.

And I was like, and every time a PA would call me into a meeting, I'd be like, who the fuck are you? Cause you get, you get such a big ego as just a comic and you're so in control and nobody's talking down to you. And then you take a, and then you work on a TV show and you're just a cog. And, uh, I think that was really good for me. I think because it made me realize that I think my ego, people are built differently. Some people can get, look at Ray Romano,

like never got an ego with all the success he's had. And I think when I had stuff go, like when I was hosting a game show on MTV, I had a big development deal and I just done Letterman and I was kind of a fucking asshole. I look back at that time and I know, not just because people told me, but I look back and I can remember some of the things I said. And I realized, like, I needed to be humbled a little bit.

And I think that the balance of getting built up on the road and then coming back and working for other people and being part of a team has made me a more complete person. Yeah, you're a better person. But you didn't move out to L.A. to be a complete person. Yeah, you're a better person, but you didn't move out to LA to be a good person. No, no, but I think dreams... I'm just playing devil's advocate with what you're saying. But you're assuming that dreams stay static for your whole life. I think a dream is something that gets you from A to B, and then the next dream gets you from B to C and there may

still. Then what happens to the one after that? Well I think you still have. Let me guess C to D? You still have dream B going but it's not the only dream now. Right. Well you realize the sort of silliness of the dream. Right. Or you get close enough and you're like

Yeah. I'm just gonna do this because I don't want to all right good with this horseshit facilities it's unbelievable twenty two thousand dollars a month come on boca come on late show boca um now here's the best part my mom's coming to the show in boca with friends from her least senior one hopefully the least the the most this ticket still available one uh yeah so the dream it and and then i'm also thinking about like when dreams do come true what does that even mean yeah like i even the story you tell yourself, like I was just a,

I was a doorman and then I became a, and then I did this and it's like, and yeah, yeah. It's, you know, it's, it's even like,

I want to be remembered. No one's remembered. No one's remembered. Yeah. And that's a stupid goal. Yeah. And it's from a sick person i remember i'm not gonna say the comic talking about his legacy and i just literally looked at him like

what the fuck name a comic from 100 years ago yeah you can't yeah mark twain that's it yeah and and and what name a mark twain bit real quick remember that one i mean he does have some bangers but he has like yeah the weather in san francisco everybody talks about the weather nobody ever does anything about it he's got some bangers but like they're one-liners yeah um but no that's i say that all the time i love comedy i haven't watched richard pryor in 20 years yeah love comedy comedy's my life i don't know it's fine yeah thank you carlin yep same thing yeah i don't i it's temporary and and and and even the even the goal, we both had goals. We both fulfilled a lot of them. What did it mean?

You know what I mean? I think goals are... It's like a story and it gives you a frame, but then you just kind of go, okay. Yeah. Even Dave, Trevor, like iconic live and use go and? Yeah. I don't know what I think the goal is the thing that gets you out of bed and and and gets you moving but ultimately you try to find a process that you enjoy right uh and then the goal becomes less important because you found the process but you gotta have the goal and it is hard when uh you're young and you don't have one

and you're just sort of like yeah we are lucky because people without goals will say like you're very lucky of a goal and i would agree with that and it's almost like a like chopping wood type thing like just to do it again do it again yeah i mean the good news about comedy is it's so hard yeah and they don't care right about how good you've been they don't they what yeah i mean look at your ticket sales and bokeh they don't care they have no idea that i did they've never heard of you 50 times on stern 23 times on rogan seven letterman appearances they have never heard of you nope thank you that's why i stay away from that entire state and i hope it keeps sinking anyhow um and i hope that they can't get i hope the hell the homeowner's insurance debacle it

continues and i'm gonna be you know where i'm going to be? Not there. Yeah. But I'm going to be clicking. I'm going to be hitting refresh on what, on Florida, Google. So, yeah. So I guess I'm, I'm, I'm getting some perspective or I've gotten some perspective and a lot of this stuff is silly. Yeah. And that, and it's not even sour grapes.

Right. I say that as a successful person and I'm like, a lot of this is silly. Yeah. Um, and, and I'm going to keep, I'll keep doing it.

I think the other thing that helps is when there's somebody who you consider to be a peer that you consider to have kind of an equal skill set to you yeah and you get a little competitive with that person that's the best nothing drives you and then you let go of it then you get to a certain point you go thanks for the ride buddy i appreciate the little pull you gave me when you say that i'm i was thinking of I'm trying to think of who. I never had it equal because I was like, you know, I was Kevin's little brother. Yeah. And then I was kind of Dave's little brother.

Right. And then I was 33 and started doing stand-up. So there was no like, there were no peer. And I always find it weird when me and you and Tom Papa are like the New York guys left. Yeah. In L.A. Yeah. And I'm sure there's more that just aren't at the store. And then there's guys like Vermont.

But but like you and me and Papa are not really peers. I didn't start with you guys. You know what I mean? Like so it's just I i i don't know who your competitors were well jeff ross and oh right yeah i think we were very similar jeff as well yeah um giralda was till he died so he won i won or he lost i think i won that one he was taking it way too seriously. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He couldn't, he couldn't sleep until he really could. Please cut that. Um, he would enjoy that. No, there was a, I've had a lot of,

uh, people that I started with. And it is funny how the older you get, the closer you get to those people, even though you don't see them as much, like I'll see Todd Barry. Yeah. And I'll be like, holy shit.

And it's just an understanding. It's like, that's weirdly what I have with Dave and Chris. And like, there's not, it seems like we're not peers. Like, everyone would go, you're not peers. And I go, I know what you mean. But when you know someone, someone was at the Bostonoston comedy club in 1992 it's just there's a shorthand yeah that you can't like you can't but but at the same time i was never i never was like trying to outright any of them uh i mean i dave i was sketch. I just wanted to contribute. Right.

I didn't want it to be like, I didn't want to do the show if it wasn't going to be, we were both getting shit on. Right. Would you ever create another sketch show? No. Too much work? Yeah, it's too hard. Yeah. And also, it's the other thing of, I know what happens.

Do you know what I mean? No, it's a joke I've never been able to figure out but you know how you get to when people go you want to go out later we're going to go drinking you know that there's four or five outcomes you've lived them all multiple times

I did a sketch show I've seen I know Lorneels had a fucking it's not even like a diss it's just like a funny thing that when you've been doing it long enough lauren was talking about a sketch and he goes it was a sketch i'd seen five times i'd written it three times myself like yeah yeah i don't have ever said there's a sketch that most a lot of people submit when they when they submit to represent our live it's like uh mike sure wrote it i just know four people four or five people that have written it yeah uh it's a guy a woman breaking up with a guy and he's in the middle of a pie eating contest but it's's just that sketch, but you can do,

it's a cancer ward on Halloween. It's just like something, whatever. So you end up in life, you know the outcomes of going on the road. Right. You know what Thursday night's probably going to be like, probably going to eat something bad. And then you're going to be like,

oh, why did I do that? And you're going to try to go to sleep probably going to eat something bad. And then you're going to be like, Oh, why did I do that? And you're going to try to go to sleep and you can't and whatever. Um, and then with, with a TV show, I know, I know what happens. Yeah. And I don't, I did it. I lived it. What am I going to do? What's more successful for what?

So that all people are going to say is it's not as good as Chappelle show, which, and they'll be right. Yeah. So why do that to myself? Right. And, but which and they'll be right yeah so why do that to myself right and but and they'll be right and i won't have slept for a year and a half cool yeah sign me up no it's like process versus goal like and some people like i don't i never had like the long-term gratification thing i think i've always needed the quick hit so i stand up was always a good answer for me yeah but there are people that even within stand-up are looking at that selling out that arena and saying i will i will you know

make this sacrifice i'll put in this extra effort i will push myself and the process is not fun i mean the idea of pushing yourself and cutting up clips and getting on the internet anyone who's pushed themselves into an arena. I think it's a combination of natural a persona that clicks with the public and pushing yourself that hard. Dave didn't push himself

into arenas. No. Yeah, but those are anomalies. No, no, no. Joe didn't. None of them did. You don't think Bert and't all of none of them did you don't think bert and tom have created a media empire i don't think they did it i think it just happened i don't think there was any premeditation honestly and no i'm and i'm not maligning them i'm just i'm saying they're hard working i'm saying there's nothing you can do to get popular other than just be somebody that people want right i couldn't i

was arguing with this i couldn't make myself into an arena act it's impossible yeah i i i'll work my ass off you know you're confirming my point i can cut up all the clips i want yeah this face ain't gonna be on a marquee and and and this is better looking than you yeah so still questionable right into the show who's better looking um no you can't i don't believe it i i believe and that's the other thing of like how badly am i gonna beat myself up for the way my voices and the way my the way my eyes look you know what i mean like that's and so much of this is intangible yeah like it's an energy thing it's the way your eyes dart around the room like a fucking old time carnival barker right he did 15 years ago in conversation or 20 years ago it's

just like it's not like and he built the perfect comedy. I mean, he just was. I don't know. I think that's true to some degree, but I think that there are people that have incredible, like Jim Gaffigan putting out new hours, doing viral stuff, doing interviews. It's a lot of stuff he doesn't have to do.

There's a point at which most people go this is enough and i'm talking about the people that have that arena goal and they stick with it and they push past comfort zones where they could settle and you know that's i think gavigan's maintained a high level right for a long time i don't but he's the arena thing is like he's doing him with seinfeld right as an example well yeah but jerry didn't he can do 10 000 seats on his own yeah i agree but i'm saying i don't know if it was i don't know gaffigan well enough to say what his motivation was um but i think a lot of it's just people make a decision about you that you have nothing to do with. Right.

And you just have to just like, oh, cool. Right, right. They love me. Like all the people we've named, anyone, Mulaney, let's say I do, in Chicago, I do the Vic twice, 2,000 seats. Mulaney does the United Center four times. That's 65,000 seats. Is he 32 the United Center four times. That's a 65,000 seats. Yeah.

Is he 32 times funnier than me? Yeah. There's no amount of work that it's just the audience just decides you and there's nothing you can do. Yeah. And if you're not, if it's not you, there's kind of nothing you can do. And it is funny because then you have comics comics, which are the guys that, you know,

you're Eddie Pepitone's or you're Andy Kindler's or you're Todd Glass's, who can, even Maria Bamford to some degree, who can be among comedians respected more than anybody and the public just goes, nope. I'm not going to go on the record of saying the audience was like, nope. But I will say.

I mean a mass audience, like a touring following. Right. No, the audience in the room loves them. It's like gourmet. It's like a Michelin star chef is never going to be. You have to be able to be sold at your like McDonald's. Right. And some people are like easily digestible and some are not.

Right. So, so, and it, again, and what does it mean? Nothing. Yeah.

No, it kind of, it's like the, the narrative and like the story and like the future and I'm gonna, and then, cause all the stuff you do, none of it none of it really feels like what you think it's gonna be like right you know like your multiple things

you've done it's like yeah and then you just leave and yeah and the next day is actually usually a sad day anytime something big you thought you were you were you escaped you dug a hole to be in a different part of the prison right right you're like no that's just that fuck it no i've got the map no i remember doing letterman for the first time and it was a high point of my career still high point of my nothing will ever match how i felt the night i did that and i spent three days on the couch after that i was like what now yeah that didn't fit that felt great but you know nothing changes nothing changes i mean you're still an obnoxious guy with an mtv game show from what i heard but good looking back then all right let's do a little thing called hair fastballs with bangs i did have bangs i just made that up i had bangs hilarious yeah so it's

a tells old joke that if he knew if he was going to lose his hair he would have done more fun shit with his hair yeah yeah he would have had a man bun i don't remember what his that new special is just it's the best thing he's ever done i mean he's done a lot of great things but i i said to him the other night when i saw him i go that's as good as anything you've ever done. I agree with that. And he goes to me, he goes, well, that's a backhanded compliment. I go, I didn't mean it to sound like that.

I just meant that the quality of what you do has not... Normally he accepts compliments well. Yeah, I know. But he has never dipped. He's always kept it at this level. Agreed. Yeah. Food delivery guy, or as I call him, a third responder.

Yeah, he's got great bits. All right. So have you ever saved somebody's life? I mean, fans every night. Right. Fans. You're like an emotional support animal I'm a fifth responder yeah no and I hope to

never have to has anyone ever saved your life if given the option I will refuse it you'll pass it's like sitting in the aisle on the plane like I can't handle this I love has anyone ever turned that down like are you prepared I'm not prepared to what do I have to do god no oh no I can't handle this. I love, has anyone ever turned that down? Like, are you, I'm not prepared to, what do I have to do?

God, no. Oh no, Kevin Pollak just came on and said that he was in the ocean with a friend and the waves got crazy and the guy called for help and Kevin just ignored him and he tried to save himself. And he said, luckily the lifeguard came out and saved the other guy. He ignored him? Yeah. Well, he,

I guess he didn't see him. He said he saved his friend. Did the other guy die? No, the lifeguard saved Kevin's friend. Was Kevin in trouble? Kevin was in trouble too, but I guess he found his way out.

Um, yeah, I've never, I don't, yeah, not so far. I hope to not. Yeah. I really hope to not. Right. Cause I don't, i don't yeah not so far i hope to not yeah i really hope to not right because i don't i don't think it's not worth the story i think the the thing about debt like uh there's some stat that murderers convicted murderers the recidiv they they like less than one percent of them do it again like we don't like dead people yeah

it's not a pleasant experience like that i was arguing on and there was an article about it if i don't want a gun in my house because i don't have anything in my house that's worth killing someone for right that includes my girlfriend no i'm kidding um no i don't take the fucking 400 tv i don't give a shit i don't want to have to have killed someone and and the other thing so i shoot him then what do we just hang out till the cops get there so we just like so what else yeah what did you how did you thought you were gonna you crazy mother like what oh you're saying he's not dead he's not dead yeah he's i maybe i shot him in the leg or the shoulder and now he's looking in the eye like

now it's just now it's just a real awkward date yeah um and yeah like what do you so i don't want to kill anyone and i don't want to save anyone yeah it's almost like the stand your ground thing of like you know it's always some guy who's he lives in a trailer he hates his job he's divorced yeah you're protecting nothing yeah you just don't like x race. There you go. Yeah. Who do you want to give your eulogy? I want, I may have said this to you before, I want every comedian I've ever given a tag to line up. There you go.

And go up and say what the tag was. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Tell him the joke. Tell him what I gave him. Yeah. That's all I want. Credit.

Till the fucking bitter end. After the bitter end. So that everyone will know they were wrong about me. That's all I've ever wanted. But I'm very healed. Thank you, MDMA. But these cocksuckers, they make it hard. I know.

I think there is a line where people are wondering when they listen to you if there's a rage that's going to come back out after this phase. No. You think this is forever? Yeah. I'm either... Yeah, I'm not gonna put up with this shit anymore. Like, I'm just not gonna...

I'll just leave. Yeah. I'm not gonna keep begging for something that people are incapable of giving me. Right. Like, I have some pride. Yeah.

And there was never a rage. There was just, it was just like a pool of bitterness. No, but I have a relationship in my life that I just yesterday said, you know what? That person is not calling me back and I'm ruminating on it. And all I got to do is let go of it. All I got to do is go. I got so many people in my life I don't need the amount of people we've talked about

this off the air the amount of people I've stopped talking to yeah is you is impressive right in the last couple years oh no I'm not doing this anymore right and it's not even bitter it's like not like fuck you it's just like no that was the beauty of the feeling I had pushing a little

boat right on that pond in central park it felt gentle yesterday not that i not that i will forever forget about this person but that dynamic that i was holding on to that was feeding me i realized like that's like you said it's all me that that's it's a lie in my head what's going on i don't know what's going on you also like thought it was you i the other i've realized that a lot of i was i was doing like the sci-fi negative and then magical thinking about friendships yeah about how we were all it's that we thing it's like the the we and we're all a clan You're a store guy and you're a seller guy. It's like that shit doesn't mean anything to most people. Yeah. So, and it may not even mean anything to me.

Yeah. If push comes to shove, I'm not doing your trunk podcast. All right. Last question from the Fastballs with Fitz. I love it. What is the hackiest bit you've ever done fuck how to decide i got like a dozen if you run dry i in order to say it i would have to sell some people out so i won't say it i won't say that story uh i did seinfeld's plane bit with the

curtain once at the at the like five years ago i was like that seemed familiar yeah and then i found it was like oh yeah what did i think what's the bit just that that that little curtain between first class and business or for uh first class and coach um or first class and coach, what we used to call coach, now it's called economy, it's like when they close it, they might as well be like, if you just worked a little harder, and then they close it. So it's a great bit.

I just thought it was mine, and it turns out it was 30 years old. Well, yeah, I think that's part of the definition of hack that most people don't think of, is comics think of hack as you stall it or it's been done a number of times so um well that's the hard part with like well we just wrote the same joke uh last month yeah i wrote that joke uh well i won't say yours because i don't know if you're doing a special or whatever but we had the exact same joke yeah i i feel like mine mine was structured better oh i dropped mine because i thought yours was stronger okay yeah so mine was

what i am great i was right no mine no just because mine had one beat and you had you had a few you had a few jokes about it like the the clock's ticking right hamas literally hamas um yeah so hack but that's with gender stuff or relationship stuff or sex stuff you're like how do i has no one done this right and then you do it and no one says anything right i know i call three people i just taped a special a few months ago and I, I call three people in the green room before I went on to ask them if they had this particular joke, because I'd had it for, it was a pretty new joke and nobody'd said anything.

But then I said, if it's anybody's, it's these three people. And I called them and they were like, no. And I was like, I did it in the special. Yeah.

It feels good. Although 5% of you still thinks you've stole it. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. That's the, I was talking to Bert Kreischer about this.

Like it might be a Catholic thing, but if I get accused of something, I automatically picture myself doing it. Uh huh. And then I think I did it a little bit. Well, that's what they do when they interrogate prisoners. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You go.

It's rockheaded version of it, which is after when the cop pulls him over and they're like, is this your car? And he's like, is this my car? Am I wealthy? How could I have this car? Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Neil Brennan, everybody. Thank you for being here, my friend.

My pleasure, buddy.