Fitzdog Radio - Pete Holmes Part 1 - Episode 1048

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

My old friend from HBO’s Crashing, Pete Holmes comes in for a 2 part interview. I think we both walked away with some new standup material from this one. He’s got a new special which is really great. Follow Pete Holmes on Instagram @PeteHolmes

Welcome to FitzDog Radio. I sit before you a man who has run a marathon in the last week. I swear to God, I am so fucking fried. Not that I don't have a little extra for this intro because I do because I'm excited. It's my boy Pete Holmes on the show today. He's got a new special out called I Am Not For Everyone that I highly recommend. It's great. But I just recorded two Sunday Papers episodes, an hour and a half each, back to back. I edited. I ran. I was out late last night for my birthday till three in the morning shooting pool with Dion Curry and another guy. And anyway, I'm leaving tomorrow morning at 5.30 in the morning for Mazatlan in Mexico to watch the eclipse or watch what it looks like based on the weather report that I am going to be watching the clouds underneath an eclipse after traveling from another country. But I don't, I could really give a shit.

The key is we're going to be in Mexico for six days. I'm going to see my son for the first time in five months, four or five months. I can't remember. And we're going to, uh, have some fun in the sun. I'm going to let loose. I don't drink, but I'm going to, that doesn't mean I can't party. I don't smoke pop, but that doesn't mean I can't get high on life. I'm married, but that doesn't mean I can't have sex with my wife. Maybe, depending on how many people are staying in the Airbnb. We got a big Airbnb and I don't know who's staying there and who's not. It's all going to be loose. We're going to roll. So I just, I'm in Tampa right now.

I got my final shows tonight. I was in Miami. I was in Boca Raton. I saw my mom. She's doing good. She had heart surgery, but now she's back to her spry self, doing good. I played pickleball with my friend Tom, the billionaire,

and Alex. We played pickleball with my friend Tom, the billionaire, and Alex. We played pickleball. It was two-on-two, and we played with a guy who was maybe 147 years old, and he got heat exhaustion, and we had to stop after about five or six games. And it really was like, why play that sport? If you can't make it through a set of pickleball i mean it's it's the easiest sport there's almost no effort and you know as if you're a tennis player just play tennis pickleball is for old ladies and they're trying to take over the courts in Venice beach. And it's not going to happen.

Nobody's nobody's allowing it to happen. I could, well, whatever. It's the WNBA of racket sports. You can't even say that anymore because now the WNBA is going to be good next year. You're going to have Caitlin Clark and,

uh, who's the woman from LSU? She's going to be there. Who knows? Maybe it'll catch on. Maybe this is like the year, everybody always said when I moved to LA, oh yeah, downtown, that's the new hotspot. And then you go downtown and somebody would piss on your leg and steal your car and you'd be like, I don't think we're there yet. car and you'd be like, I don't think we're there yet. And it's still like that, but it also is a place where there are $20 million apartments and hot nightclubs and restaurants. And it's kind of finally arrived in the last couple of years. I won't go there. I don't like to go there. I very rarely do. But it was nice. I was in Boca, did a show. My mom was in the crowd. I

got a standing ovation, which feels really nice when your mom is out there and she's elderly and she's wondering if you're doing okay in your career. Who cares that the theater was half empty? I got a standing ovation. That's the important thing. And I was so happy to see her. I was always so proud to introduce her to my friends. She's just a fun, good person. And she had a couple of friends with her. And there was a girl from high school that I'd had sex with. There was a guy who I had caddied for when I was young who kept grabbing the sides of my head and kissing my forehead over and over again.

He's Italian. Any other race, you don't put up with that shit. If this guy's Italian, he'll kiss you right on the lips. He'll lick your ear and he'll be like, all right, I guess it's a cultural thing. But say if a Mexican guy did did that you'd be like hey um what else oh yeah tampa bay is crazy there is it is a very sexual town has been a lot of i've been doing this bit about kinky people and i asked the crowd if anybody's kinky and I would say a third

of the crowd claps and then I get stories and I'm talking like people sit in the front row talking about how they get tied up and have have their girlfriend put on a dildo and ram it up their ass and I mean crazy stories and the guy that is featuring for me uh now i can't tell the story because i already said his name but i mean crazy stuff happens down here and i can't even begin to tap into it uh one one one drunk this guy flew in from pennsylvania for the show and then he sat there in the second row and just kept screaming happy birthday at me like every he'd like nod he would nod off and then he'd come awake and he'd wish me a happy birthday again in the middle of a bit and i have to start all over again throughout the entire show

there was a gun owner who was threatening me with his eyes. It was intense. It's just a, it's a weird fucking state. I drove through what they call alligator alley, which connects the East coast to the West coast. And, uh, you drove through nothing but mangroves and the Everglades for like two and a half hours straight and, uh, three hours. And, uh, and then I get, I dropped the car. I rented a car in Miami, dropped it at the Tampa Bay airport, get to the Tampa Bay airport. I'm so exhausted. It took six hours to drive. I thought it was going to be three and a half and I'm now late for my show. I dropped the car off at enterprise. I go upstairs And to get to where you pick up an Uber, you have to go up an elevator, walk across a thing, down another elevator, walk across a bridge. It's impossible.

So I finally get there. I order my car. I wait 15 minutes. As the car is two minutes away, I reach in my pocket and I realize I have the fob, the key for the rent a car in my pocket. Now I'm not coming back to the fucking airport and I'm not getting charged $400 for the key fob. So I cancel the car, there's 40 bucks. And then I run all the way back to enterprise, which takes 15 minutes each way. And now I'm really late and there's traffic and I get in and I do, it's just been ever since I got here, it's, I swear to God, it's been nonstop action.

And now this is it. I just got to do this intro. I got to bring up my good friend. Talk about Pete in a second, but also if you want to come see me at Irvine, I'll be at The Improv. April 18th through the 20th. Mamaroneck, New York. Emmeline Theater, May 31st. Austin, Texas at The Mothership. June 7th through 9th. Pittsburgh, June 21st.

All tickets at FitzDawg.com. All right. What can I say about this guy? He was my boss. I wrote for him on his TV show, Crashing, for a few seasons. And I'd known him for years before that. Just a really good comic, good dude, very smart. One of the smartest people I know. He had a show called, he has a podcast called You Made It Weird. He had his own show, The Pete Holmes Show. He's had a bunch of specials, and he had a sitcom last year called How We Roll, which was on CBS. But I really highly

recommend the special. I'm not for everyone. Check it out. And here's my talk. This is going to be a two-parter because we recorded and it just kept going. We just kind of couldn't stop talking. And so I decided to split it up into two one-hour podcasts. And I hope you enjoy them as much as I did recording them. Here is my friend, Pete Holmes. All right. Welcome to the podcast, The Great. Pinky in the small part of the eye. That's a power move at the beginning of a podcast.

It's like a signal. You know what I don't like? Have we ever joked about interesting acting? What's that? When you watch like some of the greats do it great. Like Denzel, Sean Penn. They're interesting. Joaquin.

Yeah. They're interesting. But like there's a code to it. They'll be like, let me tell you. There's a lot of like, what? Yeah. It's like interesting. And they'll be like, like, what? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And they'll be like, yeah, but, uh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, I always call it cigarette acting. That's it. Yeah. Like what's his name in that movie? Drive. Yeah. Gosling.

Gosling with it. It's, it's always dangling and you become a maestro and you're obsessed with the cigarette dangling and the inhale and he inhales and talks and you go is the smoke gonna come out ed harris and glenn gary gillen ross where he goes it's absolutely right yeah they know what they're doing yes nick crowe has a great bit about eating chips in the 70s uh-huh he's like i can't do it but it's just like i call it interesting acting and if it works it's brilliant yeah And if it works, it's brilliant.

Yeah. But if it doesn't, there's a couple guys I won't name that I'm doing, that I see them doing it. Brad Pitt is the king of interesting acting. Right. He's eating and he's like, what are you? Like he looks at the apple. Yeah. But if it's not real.

No. Well. It sucks. I mean, that's, I went to acting school for two years, the neighborhood playhouse in New Yorkork sanford meisner school which is where yeah pacino went and uh that's where i row and is this a video podcast or will people think i'm really here that's where i was with greg fitzsimmons i learned a lot from greg and then i thought i'm gonna get real old and blow my load up a lady and be a dad i want to be a dad when i'm 90 i want to die oh no too dark

that's good i'm gonna die that's good i didn't know you did a pacino oh yeah i can't believe we've known all these years well i can do um look at me the bad guy say goodbye to the bad guy. Say goodbye to the bad guy. Yeah, Scarface. Yeah, Scarface. I was doing Scarface. That was a great time. Really great time. It's not that different from Trump. All the greats. Yeah.

All the greats kind of talking fun. Now, I'm blurring it, but Greg Fitzsimmons, great guy. Yeah. Great guy. He's got a bald head. He's shaving it closer now. He shaves it close.

Next time I see him, there's going to be a shine on it. I'm going to be able to see that shine. Gloss it up, look at it, check my own hair and his hair, where his hair should be. He doesn't need it. Still sexy. Wow, there it is. Yeah, yeah.

You found it in the end. By the end. Doesn't need it, still sexy. There's a little bit of a shh, like a slur that he does. And it's a closed nose. Yeah. These are the fun things with impressions.

It's like, how open is the nose? Right. And Trump is actually kind of closed. Yeah. He closed. It's like a nerd voice. I'm a nerd. I'm not a jock.

I'm not a jock. I'm a nerd. It all happens up at the front of the mouth. It's all here, baby. Yeah. And Mark Wahlberg, Wahlberg's like, hey, what are you guys doing? It's not my bad. I saw someone else do a Wahlberg impression, and they pointed out.

It's not my observation, but he's always out of breath. He's like, where are you guys going? What's up? You guys want to work out? Me and Donnie opened up a Wahlberg's. So it's not closed at all. It's completely open. These are the valves.

And Ray, completely closed. Close it. Close it. All the valves. And Ray, completely closed. Close it. Close it. All the way. John C. Reilly, kind of close. I can't do John C. Reilly, but same mechanism. This is my master class. Only difference, you're not learning anything and it's free.

This is free. This is free. Put this one behind a paywall and just say, you're going to learn shit in this one. You're going to learn how to do it. Put it behind a paywall and just say you're gonna learn shit in this one you're gonna learn how to do it Trump put it behind a paywall if you want the premium if you want an NFT trading card of me and Ed Harris the comedian

he's got kind eyes but he'll kill you with a pen it's the joke I made on the way in good enough for the lobby good enough for the show Ed Harris I'll take sometimes I get like who did somebody call me the other day this is harris look at you yeah yeah yeah all right keeping it tight keeping it keeping it

specific yeah that's ed yeah there it is right there i don't even like it it's so ed it's kind of scary ed don't do no comedy no scary. Ed don't do no comedy. Ed Harris don't do no comedy. Does he not do comedy? Name an Ed Harris comedy. You got the memory of a fucking fly. Yeah. That's Glenn Gary.

Right. With Jack. 2306, please. That's Jack Lemmon. Is that Jack Lemmon? When I seduce my wife, I have a bit about this. When I try to seduce my wife, I really do this this and you'll know i'm telling the truth yeah uh when i'm val and i'll be watching tv i go sex it is a bit i go sex in your 40s is different val knows it's coming

yeah step one i pause the tv yeah something's up right have you moved in close at this point we're already close yeah we're closeies. I'll pause it. That's either I want to order food or sex. Or order Val. Postmate. And I always tip. And she always delivers. Leave it at the doorstep.

That doesn't even make sense. It's just another thing. It's just even make sense it's just another thing just another thing 20 off this week with if you get the promo code priority she always gives me priority look we're too old for this meaning we're too tired yeah we can't do it um but i i say to her in the voice of jack lemonmon, I, in truth, I've only done this two or three times, but I go, you've awoken in me a prime allurge. That's what I say. We start with a bit.

I like that. Sex is so serious. Yes. Start with a bit. I know. You've awoken in me a prime allurge. And then the third one is, I've never seen. How long does the bit go on though?

Uh oh. Is it just, is that just the entry into the does the bit go on though uh oh is it just is that just the entry into the the bit ends once I don't do bits during yeah

the bit is my naked body at that point if you need a laugh just look to the south that'll lighten the mood it is an interesting body cause it's tall my body

yeah it's tall now what's going on with my body is a whole podcast yeah I mean it's it's so close to being in shape because you eat well you just can I say why aren't I in better shape right you walk a lot right I exercise I eat pretty well yeah It's like, what is it? It's got to be something emotional. It's like my body doesn't trust.

It doesn't trust being skinny or having muscles. It's like, no, you won't be funny or something. So it's like out of love. Because I am, I'm out here. I'm out here trying. What's your exercise? Well, I've been exercising way, way more. And you know, I've been, this is so boring, but it's almost over. I fast two days a week now.

Yeah. Oh, wow. 24 hours? But it's a fast mimicking diet. This is almost over. Most of the listeners are so bored. Three of you are like, I need something new. Yeah, yeah.

And five of them are in the mirror right now trying to do the uh ed harris impression um a fast mimicking diet is they realize that if you eat a quarter of your calories two days a week so a quarter of my my calorie intake is around 800 calories but i do 600 okay it for the day yeah and what's crazy is i was actually pretty soft coming out of the pandemic and then i did that for seven weeks and i think i lost 30 pounds wow and it's f it it works for me yeah i'm one of those real addict motherfuckers that if you just tell me you're not eating today i'll go okay right but if you go like try to eat healthy i'll be like all right it's vague. It's vague.

It's too vague. Yeah. It's like drinking. Right. Stop drinking. Yeah. And I'm like, okay. Yeah.

I can't be like, stop drinking after three drinks. You're like, who the fuck? You just call me a pussy or whatever it is. Add a glass of water after each drink. Yeah. Who are these fucking lunatics out there with a spreadsheet of their drunkenness? Do a shot, then a beer,

then a water, then take a walk, look at the sun for five minutes, then have another shot. You're not like me. What wakes up when I drink isn't what wakes up when you drink. Because I'm a fucking Viking. Oh, dude. Tell me about it. I wish to wakes up when you drink. Cause I'm a fucking Viking.

Oh dude, tell me about it. I wish to God I could still drink. I miss it so much. It's fun. But I was the guy who started with a beer with everybody, did shots with everybody and everybody else stopped. And I would be alone in my apartment doing shots to go to bed.

Greg, you just, I mean, I was there for all of that. And I'm like, oh, I don't have to answer cause that was me. I would leave a show. I used to have a joke where I was like, I like drinking alone, fewer people to apologize to. Yeah, that's good. And that's what it was.

And what it is is like, it was like a secret thing. Like I wanted to go home. I'd leave a show where the drinks were free yeah i'm like why would i want these people to see me being like i like your fucking face yeah yeah i'm not gay i just i would i'd kiss you on the lips why would i want to show that yeah the people i work with and you know i'd go home and watch a movie and i don't miss it i'm not trying to one-up you i'm just like i'm why are you dry i'm dry i've been dry for dry as opposed to wet well i mean there's california dry yeah yeah california which

is you can still smoke pop but you don't drink well i'm I'm a fucking mess. Let's just talk about booze. Okay. Because I'm out here smoking 5-MeO-DMT, so I'm not exactly completely sober. Right. But I don't consider that to be a drug. That is a... DMT, really? 5-MeO-DMT, different from NND. Oh, okay.

Don't you love how drug people are like chemists? Oh, I love it. They have like periodic tables. Like some fucking guy named Skis in the Valley is like, well, actually the activating atom is an NDMT, which is a complete, it's actually water soluble. Yeah. And we're going to use intramuscular to get the dose to the skis.

And you know, the reason you use the water pipe is because the enzymes at a certain level will emit. And it's like, aren't you supposed to be at Starbucks working? Yeah. Fuck. Yes. I forgot.

And you just want to go, you like getting high. Shut the fuck up. This isn't MIT. Right. But it's also fun. I'm one of those people. But anyway, I don't know what you call it. New Mexico sober?

I don't know what I am. I don't know what I am. But I don't drink anymore. It's been over seven years. It's exactly- Seven years? I quit drinking the week I got married. Wait a minute.

So was that in the middle of crashing? It was season two, going into season two of crashing. No shit. Yeah. Damn. And I want to plug it because Annie Grace wrote this book. Annie Grace. Annie Grace wrote a great book. Sounded like a funny because Annie Grace wrote this book. Annie Grace. Annie Grace wrote a great book.

Sounded like a funny. Annie Grace, wonderful book. It's called This Naked Mind. It'll get you off the sauce. I read it. I actually listened to it. Yeah. I was just thinking about it because it's one of those things that like,

I can't say it would work for anybody. But if you want it, Val and I were just having, she drove me here. We were talking about like how you need to want something. And if you really do want it, and I did, I wanted to make a change. It'll help you. It's one of those sneaky books that it's like, hi, welcome to the book. We're not going to quit drinking. We're not. We're just going to take a look at it. Just sit down. We're just going to sit down. Let's just take a look at it. Don't you like it? It's fun, right? It's fun. And then it slowly breaks down step by step what I needed, which is not alcohol is bad. Alcohol is killing you.

It's actually, it's way sexier to be like, you've been had. That's what. You like that. Oh, if you make me feel like a fool, I'll change. If you go like the alcohol company, this is what alcohol actually does. This is what they say it does. This is how they market it. And this is what it does.

This is what it does to your body. This is what they say it does. And this is what you think it does. And this is what it actually does. And you go like, oh, I was just sold a lie. Yeah. It's freedom. It's masculinity.

Oh, the commercials where you are your best self. You're not your best self. And the television. Mad Men is one of my favorite TV shows, but I used to drink and watch it. I was like, I'm a king. I remember you. You just shit your pants, Peter. You just shit.

I'm like Donnie Draper. There's Chinese food on my face. I'm like this guy. The human animal is so fucking dumb we love watching an alpha on a show drinking a poison

I'm just saying smoking a cigarette smoking a cigarette you're a poison and having no effect and we're so simple did you know if you give photographs

of silverback gorillas to gorillas they'll look at them all day we're the same fucking thing they'll just a beautiful gorilla they'll be like

no shit it's fucking nuts we are that so you give us they'll look at them all day. We're the same fucking thing. They'll just, a beautiful gorilla, they'll be like, like Instagram. It's fucking nuts. We are that. So you give us Jon Hamm, drinking and smoking, and then there I am, covered in Cheeto dust,

like, I'm just like this guy. I jizz, like I soft jizz, because my body doesn't know what's happening. I'm not him. Look at what the porn that Mad Men is. He's always getting hit on. He's always ready to fuck. That dude would be 375 pounds.

Yeah. He'd be coughing all day. He wouldn't have a job because he's drunk every day at lunch. And I don't care. They took a lot of license. They were like, that's what it was like. I'm sure it was. Look, I actually love that show show i'll tell you this much my mom was a uh in a secretary pool my mom was too in a in a in a company just like that and she said it was like guys would you would go into

their office to take notes and there was one guy that he would call for a secretary and it would fight over whose turn it was to go in because he'd pull his cock out. And he never got fired and nobody ever reported it. And everybody went to Ratazzi's, was the bar restaurant near the office. And they all got shit paid. Want to go to Tazzi's?

First I take my dick out, then I go to Tazzi's. Sweetheart, let me grab your ass. It's a horrible time for most of the population. Then I go to Tazzy's. Sweetheart, let me grab your ass. It's a horrible time for most of the population. But those that were winning were never winning quite so hard. Right. Mad Men, the musical. Cigarette, no consequence.

Hey! Gave my wifey D again. Hey! Kids don't even know my name. That's, yeah. There's no parenting. You're on the 715 train back to Westchester. They're long asleep. And that was actually probably

the, I actually think it's horrible. It's like they didn't even know they were sick. You know what I'm saying? But they believe that as long as you were providing, you were doing good were doing good oh yeah i mean my dad you as you know i grew up in tarrytown you lived in sleepy hollow for a little while which is a fucking great little suburb you take a train into the city it takes about a half an hour well it's sleepy always tricky tarrytown's the express stop oh sleepy hall you gotta get the local yeah Yeah it was rough That one's like 40 minutes

Yeah It was rough But My dad would Take the train He worked in radio So he worked four hours a day So he'd take the train in

He had the 11 to 3 p.m. Was his job Wow So he would get up late And he would Take the train in And then he'd do his show

And then we'd go to the Friars Club Where he would cocktail And play poker for hours. Are you using cocktail as a verb for like drink? Oh, yeah. That's great. And then. Never stop doing that.

My dad would go there, hit cocktail. My dad would go in, hit cocktail. He'd sit down and play some cards. Next thing you know, he's on stage. He's roasting Buddy Hackett. And Buddy would let him do it. Get a cocktail a little more. Next thing you know, he's back in fairytale.

Give him my mom what for. Yeah, throwing a move on the wife. Throwing a move. Goddamn, they still love each other. How do you do it, Dad? You start crying. How do you do it, Dan? You start crying. How do you do it? It's the only way Irish people can show emotion is while screaming and smoking.

You order everything to me. You see it? Why'd you do it, Dan? Why'd you do it? It's Al again. Go on. But then then you know this is great go to ritazzi's he was friends he also went to ritazzi's was friends with dick ritazzi and eventually bought his uh winter house in florida good for him yeah um but you know came home if he came home for dinner he was he had a few in him lit and then then went into the den with his three-pack-a-day habit

and sat in the den with the door closed and read the paper and smoked. And there was no, like, homework? Like, check it. My parents didn't check on my homework literally once in my entire life. Of course not. i don't think my parents knew i had homework yeah there was no this i mean one of the reasons why this is such a fertile comedy premise is because this is what comedy is for yeah to be like while you were talking i was like and i love my life i have no complaints but if i want an hour to answer emails the negotiation of that you know

what I mean yeah like Val and I have to coordinate I'm not saying this isn't my wife is a task man no it's a different world I'm involved in my wife's life I'm involved in my daughter's life and I wouldn't change it for the world and if you knew how hard it is for me to just carve out two hours to literally write a movie for myself to star in. Yeah. Like I go, you know, this, I don't want this to sound condescending.

I sometimes envy. I look at like my brother-in-law, he goes into work at 8am, 9am. I don't know. It's like a normal time. He goes into the normal time and he's there till 5 I'm like imagine wow I pick my daughter up from school every day at 2 30 yeah I get till 2 30

great problem to have but I'm like it's really hard to find time to work there was a song in the 70s different Different times. It went, this is a woman singing it. My baby takes the morning train. He works from nine to five and then he takes another home again to find me waiting for him. You know who wrote that?

Who? A fucking guy. And he was like, the best part, we'll have a broad sing it. Then all the other broads will go, this broad's my kind of broad. Then we're out at Fnazzy's having a cocktail. We're out cocktailing. I put on a little perfume and I do shop my little hole. I always know my place.

What? She's in the studio. What? It's fine. We got it. We're going to cut out where you say what, but we got it. Take my name off. No.

And your name is Dolly Mc- Grab my butt. That's your name now. You know, when Val was in labor, I made her laugh so hard. She was listening to Beyonce. And there's that lyric where she goes, it took 45 minutes to get all dressed up. You know that lyric? I was like, that's how you know an old Jewish guy wrote Beyonce's songs.

You ever see who writes her songs? It's like 35 people. And they're these super old Jewish songwriters. And I was like, that's the tell. Because he's like, how long does it take Beyonce to get ready? 45? Yeah. 45 minutes?

Right. Are you fucking nuts? Yeah. Are you fucking nuts? She wakes up and starts putting it on. Yeah. It takes the clerk at Rite Aid 45 minutes to get all dressed up. This is Beyonce.

Look at her from tip to tail and tally the time. Look at her from tip to tail and tally the time. Look at her from tip to tail and tally the time. It's like a theater exercise. That's two hours. Ask Jay. Look at how tired Jay-Z looks. You think he's waiting 45 minutes for her to get all dressed up? No.

That's two hours plus. Two hours plus. He's wearing an XXL white baggy tee. He's ready to go she's in the bathroom bigger than my house everything's marble she's putting something in her hair I don't know these are different products for different kinds

of people she's got lotions and potions she's like a witch different style Jay Z I'm sorry how long does it take Val to get ready to go out He's like a witch. Different style. Jay-Z. I'm sorry. How long does it take Val to get ready to go out? I have no notes. No.

The best answer I can give is I don't even know. Yeah. It's never been an issue. I've never been like, what the fuck? Oh, my God. My wife, literally, I have to tell her, you're not wearing that sweater out. Because, yeah. It's just, she'll wear like a raggedy old. Hilarious.

But I'd rather have it that way than the other way. Well, it helps if, you know, she accepts herself. I think that's, I mean,

does Beyonce ultimately accept herself? I don't think anyone that's dancing, literally dancing that hard feels really great. No. I don't know. I don't know. That's a hot literally dancing that hard feels really great about it. I don't know. I don't know. That's a hot take. Maybe you can only dance that hard

if you feel great about yourself. I don't know. I think it's a combination of feeling, feeling that you are super capable and super talented, but also after all these years still feeling like if you're not number one, you will die. Here's my concern. This is what I think we're really talking about.

Is someone whispering in her ear, you're losing it. Like it's someone keeping her hungry. Because one of the great fascinations of my show business life is why more people don't even try to get out a little bit. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'm obsessed with that. Well, then welcome to the feast. Because here we are's grapes there's cheese there's so much to eat right yeah

i i'm haunted by the friends i know not not like close friends but people we know in the business that make over a mil a weekend and they they're as stressed as an open mic-er. They're as stressed as an open mic-er trying to make it, just get a little bit of cred. And they're making $52 million a year. And I hear about them worried that the back row

of the arena isn't sold. I'm not kidding. Like, they literally know the ticket count for the arena. I'm over here going, what's the fucking point? I got to butt heads with you. It's from Glenn Gary Gomes. But what's the fucking point? I don't get it.

Look, I'm on my high horse. Just give me a second. Who is out here trying to master the art of a beautiful, fulfilling, balanced life. Yeah. Almost nobody. Right. That's my answer is almost nobody. Yeah.

And when I find somebody like you that's interested in that as a topic, you know, everybody's different. For me, like it has to do with how much you're performing, how much you're touring, whatever it is. But getting those numbers right, there's so much. is but getting those numbers right there's so much and you know i'm about i'm turning 45 this month and i'm really starting to notice that like it's finally taking root that i'm like not what can you do not even what should you do but like what do you want to do and like when you follow that the rewards are so much more genuine and real and rewarding i also think you're in gear more, you know? Yes. Because you're, my, if I have one regret in my career,

I hate even using that word. Career? It's that I- Is that why you meant career? Yeah. I just, I mean, I feel like I went after too many directions at once. And a lot of it was because it came from fear. Fear of, what's that phrase when you don't think you're going to have enough?

Deficit mentality, depravity. Whatever, not depravity. I am depraved as well. There's an abundance mindset and there's a depravity mindset. Is that what it is? I think it is. Okay. Oh, scarcity?

Scarcity. That's what it is. It is. Okay. Oh, scarcity? Scarcity. That's what it is. And I feel like it kept me from putting my energy into places that I am more connected to and I'm more passionate about and I get more joy from.

And I think that if you create a space in your life, it will fill up. And I think you're a good example of that. You know, you don't go after everything. And then things kind of, all your energy goes into one thing. Yeah. You got to give space, put space around things. And I mean, I don't know. Val and I, we were literally just talking about it.

It's like people just have different values. It's okay. Not everybody has to be like me. I'm glad people, not everybody is like me yeah but i don't see a lot of people i'll take santa as a good example as i'm like i look at my comedy as a cactus i want to water it as little as possible that doesn't mean i'd neglect it yeah but i know two sets a week keeps me in the in the what is the i guess you could just say keeps me in the good spot. Like if I go up, this is what I'm saying. The rewards of going up five times a week versus two times a week,

I'm saying it's like this much difference, more improvement. Right. But the difference in my home life is immeasurable. Yes. Also in my sanity. Yeah. And when you start, you need to bemeasurable. Yes. Also in my sanity. Yeah. So when you start,

you need to be out six nights a week, but you don't need to, after you've been doing it for 25 years. And this is the thing, the, the, the level of consciousness, I'm not talking about psychic or spiritual or anything. I'm just mean the level of your thinking that gets you success is not the level of thinking that helps you enjoy your success. And I don't see a lot of people making that realization. Transitioning. So they're like trying to stay hungry they're trying to stay depraved depraved depravity mindset they're trying to stay scarce yeah they're trying to stay angry trying to stay broken and i'm just like i don't think i don't think you have to but we don't have a lot of models of people that are going like val and i I say this all the time, is good life when? Good life when?

Yeah. When the fuck are you, like, how many fucking movies do you have to see where some guy is, you know, either literally or metaphorically

on a deathbed being like, nobody goes, I should have done more weekends. Yeah, yeah. You fucking shit, dude. Or you sell your house and you spend 20 grand redoing the landscaping and uh sanding the floors and then you go why the fuck didn't we do this for ourselves while

we were living here you're right from my own soul with that it's like i lived with people that would if the house was starting to look really nice it's's because we were going to sell it. Yeah. And I was like, but we lived here. Right? You will do so much more for something else. Do it for you. I don't mean to turn this into my podcast. Self-help. We chart in self-help and comedy.

That's true. But who cares? It's what I do. It's what I like to talk about. It's's like renovate the house for you yes and it's a self-love issue we just did it we did it last year we just looked around and we were like you know because both kids were in college and it was like there was there was a little worry about scarcity yeah but then they're fucking one's out the other one counts all set. And we just kind of looked around and went,

let's fucking throw money at the house. And I swear to God, every time I walk in the door now, I'm not that material things make you happy, but it's a symbol of the investment we put in ourselves. Yes, it's taking like that is, can be a reminder that you care about yourself and you love yourself and you love your wife and you love your space.

I also just meant it metaphorically. It's like, if you are at a place, who's Beyonce whispering in your ear, like, make hay while the sun's out. How much hay do you need? Nobody's asking how much is enough. How much is enough? Douglas Soy, T-S-O-Y,

he runs a kind of like a mindful financial advising thing and his whole thing is how much is enough nobody's asking how much is enough of anything yeah stand-up recognition action juice and then we just get hooked and then it's just addicts right going at it i'm like no i when I take my inventory it's friendships how are my friendships I feel fucking rich yeah I go

Jesus Christ the measure of a man you only count his friends it's true is that a song it's from the Muppet version of A Christmas Girl

which is a great movie I love it and Michael Caine who takes it dead serious yeah what was that Kermit

he's like in it wow acting that? Kermit? He's like in it. Wow. Acting with a Kermit. Fucking killing it. Yeah. And there's a line where he goes, if you want to take the measure of a man, you need only count his friends. Right.

Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt with a stupid song. No, I'm just saying like I, you know, there are moments where there's a comedy festival and I say to my agent, I'd like to go to that. And they're not interested. And I go down a fucking, and then I pull out of it and I go, I'm fucking,

I'm going to a dinner party at the next door neighbor's house and then we're going to play beach volleyball on Sunday with all my friends that I've done for 15 years. Stop it. You know?

There's a great documentary. Great documentary. It's called Happy. I watch it. Oh, it's based on that Harvard class, isn't it? It might be. Yeah, the author is a Harvard professor. Harvard, great schools.

I wanted to go. Didn't have time. Went to Trump University instead. They said it's a better degree. They said it's worth two Harvard, two and a half Harvard. He's making it up. He goes, it's worth 14 Harvard.

14 Harvard's and half of Yale. One semester at Trump University. He's like of Yale. One semester, Trump University. He's like fading out. One semester, Trump University. Trump on his deathbed. I was the greatest president. Slowly fading away. What was I saying?

Oh, happy. It might be the Harvard guy. But we watch it all the time. And some of the happiest people in the world, they have a lot of things in common. And you just mentioned one of them is like having dinner with friends, volleyball every Sunday. You know, we moved out of the city.

We live in a small town and every Sunday we just have six friends over people, kids. Nice. Uh, it's like a blood transfusion. Val has been showing me how to be a friend neil brennan has this great thing about comedians he's like there are no friends he's being a little more cynical than i yeah he's like there are no friends you're just in a bar fight and occasionally you're punching in the same direction you get the illusion of a team damn but as soon as like

someone hits you with a chair, that guy, he's not on your team. You know what I mean? So that was me for a long time. I'm not saying I was a scoundrel. I'm saying the whole thing was that way. It was very alliances more than true friendships. Some true friendships, I'm not as cynical in that regard,

but also just a lot of that. And now I just have friends that, it took me a while to get used to. It's like we never talk about how to scheme and plot I'm not as cynical in that regard, but also just a lot of that. And now I just have friends that like, it took me a while to get used to. It's like, we never talk about how to scheme and plot to take over show business. I never say like, that's a bit. I never say like, that's a movie. Like we should whiteboard that.

And it's really nice. And we joke that I'm like the big hairy guy in Labyrinth. I'm always going, friend? Like I don't get it. But like the keys to happiness, really interesting. One of them is belonging to a community and a community that doesn't want anything from you. Right.

And a community that likes me. You know, like if I stopped having any sort of juice in show business, none of these people would even know about that. Like when Lila was born, I remember thinking, wow, she's a baby. And I said to Val, this is an embarrassing thought, but I was like, what if I'm not relevant? I really said famous. What if I'm not famous when she's 16?

When it might be cool that her dad is a comedian. And Val goes, you'll be her dad. Yeah. And this is like what I've been having to drive into my mind. So in the movie, Happy. Can I just say one thing? Squarespace.com slash Ed Harris.

If you're having erectile dysfunction. Chew on Viagra that you get from a company that makes it into a Skittle. It's a beautiful Skittle, you buy it, you chew it, you have sex.. Chew on Viagra that you get from a company that makes it into a Skittle. It's a beautiful Skittle. You buy it, you chew it, you have sex. Blue Chew. Blue Chew. And when you walk in and you see the wife and you stick your tongue out,

she knows what's coming. She knows what's coming. And then you go on and you do alphasportsbet.net. Lose your mortgage. Bet it on the Rams. Bet it on the Rams with an erection from Blue Chew. Use the erection to place the bet. Then you'll definitely win.

Who is this? This isn't even Trump anymore. Turned into a British guy for a second there. It's Michael Caine. It's John Gielgud. But as long as you're doing this, it's still Trump. I do shockers with both hands. Shockers.

I let the Dems know that I'm going to shock them. I'm going to shock them. It's two in the pink, one in the stink. That's what I say. That's what you do. So anyway. This is why we can't be friends

as comedians because I'm trying to tell you a very poignant, deep thing. And yet, poignant, good word, great word.

It's got a G. I knew that. Poignant. One word, great word. It's got a G, I knew that. Poignant. One of the most confusing, disorienting moments of my life is the first time my son saw me do stand-up comedy, and he was about 16 or 17. Yeah. And, you know, I'm sure he'd seen little clips online,

but he'd never seen me in a showroom. So I'm in Denver. Whole family comes out because we're going to take a ski vacation after I do my three nights at the Denver Comedy Works. You waited for comedy works. Yeah. If my boy is going to see me, he's going to see me do well. Yeah. You didn't bring him to Orlando. No, I did not. Didn't say, let's go to Disney. You can watch dad do okay in Orlando and then we'll go toney no you said you went you can slide down a mountain on chopsticks but you're gonna watch daddy kill who is this guy it's like robin williams you

fucking kill at the denver comedy world oh yeah so he comes in and the waitress sets him up at the table and is bringing him sodas and bringing him chicken wings and he's can't believe the room is packed and so there's a buzz yeah and there's some comics that go up that are good. And he's loving them. He thinks they're amazing. Yeah. And the dad comes up and blows the fucking roof. I mean, if there was ever, you know, sometimes when there's somebody in the audience that means a lot to you.

Oh, yeah. You pull shit out of yourself you didn't even know was there. I still do it for Val. But especially the first couple times, Val. Yeah. You're like. So he's in the audience and I destroy and we walk out and we go to get a slice of pizza and he goes, that's the funniest hour I've ever seen in my life.

He goes, that was a, and there was a part of him that was in awe of me that put a giant chasm between us. Whoa. And it made me us. Whoa. And it made me sad. Wait. Because he was acting like a fan. No.

And I want him to love me for being his father. Yeah. And I don't want him to adore me. Et tu, Brute? Yeah. You went, I don't want it to work on you. Right. I want you to go, I've seen your balls in the shower. You change my poopy, poopy butt.

Not. That was a killer callback. Does anything make you want to puke more than your son being like, that opener was tight. Did you rip that? Yeah. Hey, can I open for you? Yeah. Yeah.

No, so keep that in mind. I think that the part of me like, you know, because I would say at this point in my career, I'm 57. I'm working steady as ever. Things are going great. But also I used to host a show on MTV. I used to, you you know do letterman once every six months and and there was a time when i felt more like the center of things

it's so much better to raise your kids when you're not in that space yeah and it's not that i like you know tap the brakes in my career It just happened because my focus was on them as much as my career. And I think it was a really good balance of not, my father was kind of a huge celebrity in New York City. Like everybody knew him. We couldn't go to a restaurant. And it was intimidating.

And it made me- Put a distance between you. It did. And it made me feel like I'll never be that good. I'll never be that important. So why try? Which explains so much. Which camera are you looking at? All three are my close and we got this little sneaky son of a bitch over here. That's right. Look at that one doing the candid. No that's really interesting. It made me think of nine things, but then me looking at the camera is really freaky.

Like how many really famous people are great parents? Name one. All right. Well, it's a tricky pickle. I will say, and this, well, it's going to sound like I'm kissing his ass. I think Judd Apatow is a great parent. He is.

He definitely is. And I get the feeling'm kissing his ass. I think Judd Apatow is a great man. He is. He definitely is. And I get the feeling that Sandler is. I think so. I can't know. That's the, what we're really talking about is can you know. You can't know. You can't know. No.

Phil Rosenthal. I just hung out with him. Phil, Philly boy. He's a great father. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. Well, you can see that in his eyes. Yeah, right.

You don't see the like, they should stop feeding Phil and Phil should feed his fucking kids. Hey. Hey, Greg. Hey, you want some? I've never tried to do Phil before. Hey. And then. Hey.

He's like a Muppet and the guy's hand is tired. Oh, sorry. Hey, you know why they feed him? His mouth's always open. Guy's in constant state of wonder. If you don't get these riffs, look them up. He was just on the show. He's the king.

Yeah, he was just on. He was going to do my pod today. Yeah. But we had to move him because we had a guest in from out of town that could only do who's that god i'm so here that's how present i am i'm so present enlightened trump i'm so present the moment is all we ever have time is a construct it's a way that we make sense of the distance between two things that happen but really it's just a concept in the mind god is right here it's eternal if he in the mind. God is right here. It's eternal.

If he did that, he would win the election. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There's one thing America loves is when a politician is evil, and then they show any humanity whatsoever. You look at, who's the guy I'm thinking of? Who's the guy that turned on Trump? Mitt Romney. No,

Mitt's still a piece of shit. Is he? Oh, I, oh no, no. Oh, I'm sorry.

I was thinking of Mitch McConnell. Yeah. Mitt Romney. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Suddenly he was great. Even GW Bush who started Al Qaeda,

who created Al Qaeda is now seen as a sweet, lovable guy. No, I know. It's, and NWA is like, I hear it at the dentist. Right. At times they are a-changing. Yeah.

Straight out of Compton! People used to clutch their pearls when they heard that song, or cinch their robes. Yeah, yeah. They were terrified. And now it's like, oh, the one where Paul Giamatti's there. Delightful little manager. Things are crazy. Yeah. But it's cool. It's cool. Yeah, it's like oh the one where paul giamatti's their delightful little manager things are crazy yeah it's uh but it's cool it's cool yeah it's cool yeah who cares what i think yeah what was i

saying oh the movie happy yeah the some of the happiest people in the world no surprise it's in like sweden or some fucking finland just came out as number one fin one but one of the reasons is the low income so they don't have a lot of money and they live in these very well kept low income I don't think they're called low income housing it's just a house and it's sort of this isn't literally true but you'll get what I'm saying

it's sort of shaped like an asterisk meaning there's bedrooms and in the middle there's this big meeting area and in the meeting area there's bedrooms and in the middle there's this big meeting area and in the meeting area there's the there's the common area so you're never watching a movie alone you read a book somebody's nearby everybody cooks every night they all cook together they all clean up together these are not famous people these are not rich people these aren't people with like all the things that we've been told that will make us happy. Right. Exclusive access, some sort of United premiere or a VIP lounge, or like you get to sit in the big red chair at the premiere of some movie that isn't even out yet. I'm here to tell you that

that does not work. None of it works. One of the things that for sure works. And it's one of the reasons why I don't mind speaking frankly about my, I have a special life and I don't mind talking about it because the people listening have an even better shot. Get a group together. If you have a trivia night or a cooking night or a movie night or it doesn't matter. It's like happiness isn't God.

Thank God. It's not for solid Jared Letoo right it's not oh he gets to be happy eat fucking shit have a game night right have a barber shop you know what i mean yeah have a church have a have an aa meeting this is like those are connected happy people it's not but don't get me started. Now I really turn it into my podcast if we start getting into spiritual fulfillment. I'm amazing. I live in Venice because there's no fences

between people's houses. It's house, house, house, house. We're going to build a fence. We're going to put a fence around the Fitzsimmons house and Greg is going to pay for it. And his garden is never going to be able to get in because he's Mexican. And so people's kids,

dogs, everything roams and flows and you literally walk in and out of people's houses. Oh, I remember. You were there? I was at your house. I remember at one point, is your house better than mine now? Because your last house you didn't think I was. Oh, my house fucked your house really

no my house would embarrass your house really my house my house fit in your house no no no it's not like that maybe it does but uh no no don't be stupid my it would definitely fit in my house the guy who's saying all the things that you would say to say, oh, no, no, no, absolutely, it would fit in my garage. But yeah, go out. But no, no, great house. You have a great house. No, no, we got a nice, our new house is nice. It was an upgrade, I guess you would say.

And you got a little land. Got a little land. That's nice. And you know what I do? I'm happy to share. See, this is going back to some of the best things in life, being free. I had this revelation recently, and it really is a revelation, talking about happiness.

Something I heard Tony Robbins talking about. I don't know how people feel about Tony. I love Tony Robbins, but I don't know if he's corny or something. He was talking about sleep and food don't give you energy. He's like purpose gives you energy. And he's like, don't you energy. Yeah, I can see that. And he's like, don't you know this? Like Thanksgiving, you overeat, you feel energized.

He's like, you ever sleep so much you're tired. And I was really falling into a rut, not a bad rut, but just kind of like an unexamined aspect of my life, which is I was like, you always sleep until the last possible moment. Yeah. Like if you have to do this podcast at 10 a.m., you sleep till 8.58 and get up, shower, and go. And now tell me if I don't sound like a grown man, but it's meaning this seems like an older guy realization. I get up talking about the land I get up 530 in the morning and

I pop off the pillow because I really you talked about Greg that has walking around houses so community Greg yeah we call that or like friend Greg or whatever I've done some Tony Robbins stuff where I like map out what matters to me most okay and what what people't do, people don't do that. It's kind of going back to what we were saying about like you get the work thing and you just fucking rock work hard more, more, more, more like a, like a corporation. But it turns out like when you map it out, what you really want in a fulfilled life, there are all these different like areas.

And if you just map that out and get curious about it, you're like ahead of 99% of the population. Because you're not unconscious about your intentions. Yeah. So now, so I still like sleep. But like once I was like, well, you know what? My favorite thing that I do really, I'd say it's tied with comedy, but I actually think

it beats comedy meditation it's similar to meditation it's my version of meditation I like to get up I like the first thing I do

is I do cold cold exposure I love cold water it gets me high then I get in the hot tub I know you're gonna get a sense and then I get in my humidor and I pick a cigar

now people always think it's so fancy that I have a cold plunge in a hot tub. It's not that fancy. Yeah. You too can have $100 a month or whatever it costs to buy a hot tub. It's not that crazy.

Yeah, I have a hot tub. Yeah, see? Okay. But I'm just saying. I mean, my house has a hot tub. Your house has a beautiful hot tub. It would fit in my garage. So I like this.

You wake your body up in the cold. You get in the hot. It's the best feeling you can have in the world. Yeah. I call it the your body up in the cold. You get in the hot. It's the best feeling you can have in the world. I call it the full body jizz. Yeah. Three to four minutes in cold, get in the hot. Every, like, what's it called? Corpuscle?

Every artery, every vein. Everything was constricting because it's cold. Then it gets in the hot and it expands. So it literally is like you're jizzing for about five minutes. Nice. It's incredible. Yeah. And I get in the water. I did it this morning. The moon is out full moon. I'm like a farmer.

I know the moon. I know the movement of the stars. I'm in this water and I'm like, ah, like nobody's there. Yeah, just fucking jizzing. Uh huh. Then I get out, I go inside, and I read my books. Then the books that I like to read are spiritual books.

Uh-huh. And I do a meditation, and then I read my books, and I'm stealing it. That's amazing. The reason you get up, the reason I'm happy to share this, and it's not a brag,

is I'm trying to, frankly, I'm trying to inspire people, because it would have inspired me to hear somebody say this. It's like, what do you really want? And I promise if you really get honest about what is the most important, what gives you the most juice in your life, you'll realize that there's something that like more than sleep.