Fitzdog Radio - Raanan Hershberg I Greg Fitzsimmons - FitzDog Podcast

Episode Date: May 6, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Greg Fitzsimmons sits down with comedian Raanan Hershberg for a loose, hilarious conversation covering nightmare gigs, hecklers, conspiracy theories, New York comedy, addiction, arena crowds, podcast politics, clean comedy, and the weird realities of life on the road. Greg may or may not be chemically balanced during this episode, but somehow the conversation only gets sharper as it goes. Plus: stories about Tacoma fights, college comedy circuits, Dave Attell, Rogan backlash, Vince Champ, and Raanan’s new short film “Memory Room.” Check out Raanan’s specials, including “Morbidly Jewish,” on YouTube and follow him at @raanancomedy. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. My guest, Run On, like Run On Sentence. Hirschberg will be here in a minute, full disclosure for this podcast. I just recorded it with him, and I did explain this to him, but I'll just mention it briefly. I woke up this morning. I have extreme ADD, so I have a lot of pills I take. Some are in a morning case. Some are at the nighttime case. I woke up this morning, and I took my nighttime pills, which include a sleeping pill. I am currently on 20 milligrams of Lunesta.

So to counteract that, I took Ritalin and three cups of coffee. And this is an experiment right now, and we'll see how it works out. But I feel good. My mouth is a little bit dry, and I'm gassy, but I'm going to hold that in for the sake of the people that work here in the studio. Matt Peters is here, who is the producer of the show from New York, and Amber is here, who's the producer of the show from L.A. They work together to bring you this show. So I want to thank both of them from my heart. Thank you for doing this, you guys. I'm getting very emotional on all these drugs. So let's talk about, I did a gig. I was in Seattle this weekend, and I flew up. And it was at this very ritzy private club. And I went up on stage and it's very weird to have people out there that are richer than me. Usually when I perform, the crowd is poor.

And I like that. I like a poor crowd. I like feeling like I'm smarter than them. I'm wealthier than them. And I'm better looking than them. That just helps give me a little bit of. an edge on stage. These people were more confident. They had that billionaire confidence.

And, you know, rich people are better looking because it's Darwinism. If you're wealthy, look at these fucking silicon nerds. They're all with smoke and hot chicks. And then they have beautiful kids. And then those kids have money. So they attract better looking people. And so the wealthy just keep getting better looking. And eventually, you will know somebody's worth based on what they look like entirely.

And the uglier you are, the poorer you are. And that sounds cruel. That sounds like a social experiment from an Orwell novel. But it's getting there. It's getting there. Anyway, my kids are good-looking, and I've always felt that that's going to help them out.

But I grew up with acne. I was skinny. big freckles, pale skin, red hair. And I think that gave me an edge. And I married a woman who is very beautiful. Amber, you've met my wife. Yeah, she's hot, right? She's fucking 60, and she's still like,

I grope her around the house. She's got 34 D cups that are full. They're good. And I'm all over them. And I really enjoy that I married a beautiful woman and I got to have beautiful kids because it's a sign that I improved my family's lot. If you have ugly kids, you're a failure. No.

Now, sometimes they're just ugly. All right, I don't know what I'm saying. I'm on sleeping pills. Let's do this. Let's talk about where I'm heading. I will be in Brea at the Improv May 8th, Boston, Laugh, Boston, May 29th and 30th. That's going to sell out. Get your tickets now.

Rochester, New Hampshire at the Opera House, June 5th, a gunkwit at Jonathan's June 6th. Then I'm going to be in St. Pete, Cincinnati, Columbus, all tickets at fitsdog.com. Link it up, buy them, enjoy them. And now here is my conversation with the great Renan Hirshberg. My guest, Renan Hirshberg. Good to be here.

Is it the right way to say it? Yeah, sure. Why not? How else do people say it? Every way. Ronan, Renan, Renan, Renan. I did the E.T. ride. You remember the E.T. Ride at Universal?

Do you remember that from years ago? Yeah. That automatic E.T. says goodbye to everyone. They typed in the name before. Yeah, yeah. He was like, my whole family was like, bye, Ben, bye, Eileen, bye, Renee. So that's how E.T. pronounces it. But it's Ronan and Renan. It doesn't matter.

Well, whatever it is, I'm really happy you here. You were here once before. Oh, yeah. I would love to see you. Yeah. Your comedy is so fucking good. Oh, thanks. You really are. You're another guy that's coming out of the New York factory system.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tons of sets and good crowds. And you're watching great comics. And you just see guys like you get better and better. New York helps. I mean, I'm sure LA does too. But like, I said that so kind of aesthetically. I'm sure LA.

No, it is. You don't get as many sets. I feel like when I moved to New York, I would watch shows that I wanted to be on. And, you know, you watch it. You want to be on. You're new to the city. You're like, that guy sucks. that guy sucks.

But there's always one guy on every show that made me want to quit comedy. Because he was so good? So good. And that, usually I'm like everyone sucks. That one guy was so good and made me want to quit comedy. And I think being in that climate where there's one guy who makes you want to quit and kind of makes you work harder.

Yes. Like, there's one guy that wants me to quit, makes me want to quit at the comedy store, but it's because he's so fucking bad. Oh. He's so bad. He just, he doesn't kill, but he does well.

and it's just awful and I don't want to go on after him because I hate that the crowd laughed at him so now I don't want to please that. That's why hacks suck because they make you hate the crowd from laughing at the person. Right. And then you're like, these idiots?

I don't want them to like me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. I have to like bomb just to feel like I'm a good comic. It's like there was this girl at my gym and she's super hot. Uh-huh. And I would watch her from afar,

kind of a creeper. Creepa. Yeah, yeah. That sounds, yeah. And I had this whole image of her. She had a, I don't want to describe her because in case she's watching, but. But she, I had this image of her, her backstory. I had it all fleshed out.

Like, like a, yeah, I'm a writer, you know. Sure, of course. Yeah, it's creative, yeah. And then I heard her talking to her friend. She's like, she had that dry voice. What do you call it? When they have the dry voice. Horse?

No, women have vocal fry. Vocal fry. She had vocal fry. and she made goofball faces. And I was over. I never looked at her again. So women, shut the fuck up. Wait, what did that have to do with the...

I got to give you full disclosure on this podcast. This is a very, very unusual podcast. I woke up this morning and I have two different pill boxes, one for the morning and one for the evening. You took the wrong pill? I took my evening pills, which is... includes a lunesta, which is a sleeping call. Oh my God. And I got

so I got up around 7.30 in the morning. And I knew we had this. It's like a Doug Benson High podcast. Yeah, exactly. I should give you one. And so I get up, you know, to do my work, I always research the guest. I want to watch a new special,

blah, blah, blah. So I'm on the couch and I'm watching your special and I am fucking nodding off. And I was like, why I fall asleep? Does it really It's special. And I would only wake up because my wife was next to me on the couch and she was howling. She was fucking, well, she's a Jew also.

That's why. She's your audience. Just because she's Jewish. I mean, it's such a fucking good special and I'm asleep. I'm telling you, I miss three quarters of it. I don't know how you could, I'm so loud. I don't know how you can fall. Strong medication.

Oh, I had it on mute. Just my, just my, my, my arming around. Your physicality is striking. Yeah. You're like a dancer up there. That's so funny, I did Adam Carolla's pod, and he watched a special, and he's like, I couldn't watch your face. I just listened to it. And he's like, it's better just listening to it.

Why couldn't he watch your face? I guess he didn't want to, I don't know. I think he was maybe insulting me. You know, radio, face, whatever, you know, whatever they call. But he was like, it's better to just listen to. And then you're like, no, it's better to just see it. Just see it. So anyway, I woke up.

I took a Ritalin, which I don't normally take, and I drank two cups of coffee, and I took a long walk. And then I live in Venice, so I took an Uber. I didn't, I wouldn't possibly driven here. So Ritalin, two cups of coffee, Lunesta. That seems like you're pretty much normal. I balance cut, kind of bounce out. This coffee too now.

Yeah. I feel good. I feel like maybe this is actually it. You're regular. You're like, what do you call it? what's it called baseline? My baselines good. I think this is my cocktail every day.

You seem a little sleepy. I definitely, if I were to guess if you were on Ritalin right now or Lunesta, I'd probably go as Lunesta over Ritalin. But you're a laid back guy, I guess. Yeah, but I'm not this laid back. So if you could carry this podcast a little bit, I'd appreciate it. Is this the theme of the podcast? You actually take a different pill every...

Every pill. That's a great podcast, except both people should have to take it. You know, I've done what you've done. I take a sleeping pill at night And a couple times I've Because it looks a lot like whatever pill I take in the morning Whatever pill makes me not want to kill myself in the morning You know

It looks similar to the one that gets me to go to sleep at night And I took it and it sucks Because you take it and you're like I just have to sleep all day Yeah It ruins the whole day It was awful I did it

I did it A month ago I woke up I was doing a gig in Wisconsin Which I got to get you on this gig. It's kind of fun. It's this little place holds 150 people. You do four shows in a weekend. So it's not a ton of dough, but the guy takes good care of you. How desperate did I sound? You just said a gig and I was like, sure, I'll do it.

Well, it's really funny. I was talking to Chris Spencer yesterday. You know him? Black comic? And he goes, he goes, yeah, you got to help me out, man. I'm doing this corporate gig. It's at a country club in Hawaii. And they just sent me the layout for the game. gig and it's going to be corporate executives and their kids and and they don't want you to talk about sex they don't want you to talk about blood and I go and he goes he goes this fucking brutal I go yeah I go who's booking that of course yeah of course well probably pays well it pays extremely well yeah I mean on those at least you have that phrase think about the money If it pays well, you can get through anything, you know?

Yeah. You can, but it doesn't, it doesn't not hurt. It's it. You still experience a gut punch that stays with you for at least that night. If you like really, yeah, yeah, for sure, yeah. I had a nightmare gig the other week. I'm still, you ever have like a gig like, you know, you do this for long enough. You're like, I got it.

I figured it out. And then you have a gig. Then you have a gig that, like, you're kind of grateful because you like, it's so bad. you're like, oh, that really woke me up. Yeah, yeah. It reminds you that anything can happen, right? I had a show. I ended up doing okay, but I, you know Dead Crow Comedy Club?

Yeah. Good club, great owner. I had a show one night. I'm on stage, and I think the worst heckle you can get. I'm actually curious, you're good with, like, you know, kind of on your feet shit. I'm curious what you would have said to this. Okay. It's a little bit of a heckle where it's kind of the one heckle it's hard.

to come back from. Yeah. I have a line about make a wish, something, very harmless. It's just something. And then this woman staring at me angrily and she had been heckling too earlier. She was kind of shitty and drunk and she just goes, front row, everyone can see her. Yeah. She goes, my kid died

to cancer. So I don't find that very funny or make a wish line. Oh, really? That's a hard one. That's the hardest heckle, right? I would have said, I wish I could make a wish right now. See, you're better. That he could come back. Am I right?

Yeah, I I mean, it is a tough, it is a tough one. You're one of the worst heckle I ever got? And it wasn't even meant as a heckle. It was something that I overheard somebody say in the front road to somebody else. Oh, yeah?

I'm in Boston, and I've been doing it for like three or four years. And I mean, Boston crowds. They can be in. cuff. Well, it's like saloon comedy. It's like Irish and Italians that are in unions and they drink. And they kind of don't, there's no sort of acceptance that because you have the microphone

and the stage that you're the funniest one in the room, they kind of need you to prove it to each and every one of them separately. Yeah. And so I'm up there and I'm fucking bombing and I'm waiting for somebody to yell. But it was a, you could hear a pin drop. and there was an older couple in the front row and I hear her whisper to her husband the poor bastard

and that was worse than any heckle anybody could have been overhearing pity for yourself the overheard pity the overheard concern and pity the overheard concern of pity is not right have you ever been anything physical happen on stage or maybe try to get on stage or anything

No, I exude a vibe that says it's not worth it to fight me. It would just be like awkward. Yeah. I'd be in the fetal position. You'd just be kicking someone in the fetal position. So I think because I don't send out any of that masculinity, I think it's created a force field where no one fights me. I bet you, I bet people.

Yes. Because you send out a vibe that, you know, you might fight back. Yeah. I don't send out that vibe. I'm like kind of like a woman in child kind of thing. So you've never been like, yeah, yeah. If they, if they were, if, if they were, sinking, they would say,

women and children and run on on. Yeah. Wemned and children are not. But then I'd sink the boat so they wouldn't let me out. But, uh, I had to get there before you. But, uh, and then you'd sue the boat. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, yeah, I mean, I've had, I mean, I've said horrible shit on stage like anyone. And I've had, I've had like people say horrible shit, but I don't think I've ever had anyone come on stage to attack me. I've had fights in the audience. Oh, that's good. I was at Tacoma Comedy Club once. They're wild out there. They're wild.

It's a rough place. And I was on stage some guy in the audience. This is not 5 p.m. 5 p.m. Yeah, it was like an early show. What's his name? It was after me. Carlos Mincea.

Uh-huh. So they gave me like an early headlining show. Yeah. And I was in a really bad mood because I got to the club. It's a great club. Book me back. Great club. But the club did tell me the manager.

I come in. I was like worn out. And the manager goes, you can't go in the green room Carlos Mincea's merch is in there and in his contract you're not you're not allowed to be anyone near his merch

so I'm literally I'm literally I can't go in the green room because I found out on the hierarchy that I love Carlos T-shirts is above me I can't go I can't go in the in the green room and I have to sit on the back while his shirts are just having a great time

his shirts are getting blown in there whatever. No, it's the best green room. Their green room, they have every type of candy. It's like being at a candy store. Yeah, yeah. They have drawers of every candy you could ever name. Which I actually hate because I have poor will-powered stuff.

Yes. But like, so I go on stage and some guy is like kind of drunk. I guess he's heckling. I don't really hear, but a waiter comes up to him. And I guess he asked for another drink of the waiter just, I think politely he was just like, we can't serve you anymore. He just chokes the waiter out. I'm serious.

like chokes him out. The lights go on and it's Tacoma. So five other people who are just looking to get in a fight, jump on the guy. Not the guy. The choker. The choker. And they beat him.

Like beat him. So it's a giant brawl. And I'm just on stage. I can't even hide in the green room. Yeah. Because at least Carlos's, at least Carlos's mugs and pillows or whatever are saying. and they kicked the guys out

and then I actually do the rest of the show and this is how hard comics are on ourselves I did get laughs, you know, but it wasn't as great as laughed as before and I was really hard on myself. Like I never got them to exactly the place I had before. Yeah. But then after I was getting hard on myself,

I go, well, they did just see real violence. Yes, that's a hard one. That's what they'd rather say. Once you show them violence, they're like, well, we don't want to. I don't see comedy. Right, right. Yeah, that's like, there used to be a lot of stand-up comedy at strip clubs.

They would have these kind of cabaret-type shows where comics would mix in. And, like, yeah, after you see a nice pair of tits, you're like, you know, my day job. You've got to hear a fat guy talking about his tits. Yeah, it's tough. But I did a show in Worcester, Massachusetts. You ever heard of Worcester? Yeah, yeah. It's like a post-industrial factory town in the West Western Mass.

and so I go there and I'm playing at this place called the Aku Aku. It's a pollini. Well, the thing was, I see young comics that I see guys like you and you really, I got to give you a lot of credit because you broke through at a time where it is way harder to break through

in terms of getting real club work and making a living at this. In the 80s, you just needed five minutes and a manageable Coke habit. Right, right. If no, you know what you needed? A clean driver's license because all the headliners said,

lost their licenses. So if you could drive the headline under the show, you got to open. It's tough now. Yeah. So anyway, and one of the reasons there was so many gigs is because every Chinese restaurant, some of these producers realized they've all got banquet rooms in the back. Comedy, comedy blew up. And suddenly there was like you couldn't build enough comedy rooms.

Oh, interesting. So they would go into these Chinese restaurants and they would say, hey, what do you do with that room on Tuesday nights? Oh, it empty. And they go, well, that's not a great Boston accent. Is that what you're trying to do? Oh, no, no. This guy's Persian.

Oh, okay. He's a booker. And he goes, and they go, what if we put in their comedy? We'll take all the tickets. You'll get all this food. We'll bring in 150 people that are going to order food and drinks. Right. Wow.

Chinese guys goes, yeah, sound like good idea. So every night, Monday night you'd be in Revere at a Chinese restaurant. Tuesday night, you'd be in Weymouth at a Chinese restaurant. Oh, wow. Also the comedy studio was Chinese restaurant too, right? The Hong Kong. Yeah. Yeah.

It feels like it. So it was a real Massachusetts thing, the Chinese restaurant. Yeah, and the funny thing is no Asian comics. No Asian comics. No Asian comics. No Asian comics. No Asian comics, right? The 90s.

It was all white dudes. I mean, there was. What was the first Asian comic? It was like, Alan Wong. It was a guy named Bobby Lee, who was very funny. I know Bobby Lee. Do you? Really?

Bobby Lee? Yeah. No, not Bobby Lee. No, no. No, no, no, no, I'm sorry. You're like, there's a guy, there's a guy. There's a guy named Dane Cook. He did an agent impression.

I'm on sleeping pills, man. I love that. Any fuck up I do on this podcast, I play the sleeping. I was like, did Bobby Lee die? That's not surprising. I forget this guy's name, but, yeah, there was one. Was he good? He was very good.

Well, he was a great writer. A lot of the comics I started with in Boston, were, well, they were in two camps. It was the very esoteric camp. David Cross kind of ran a club in Cambridge called Catch a Rising Star. And you had Grant Taylor, Mark Marion, Brian Kylie, a lot of guys that were smart. And some of them were not great performers.

So there were five or six of them that came out to L.A., especially with Mr. Shell. Right, right. And they became writers on Mr. Show. And then, like, John Groff is, like, the biggest showrunner in sitcoms today. Oh, wow, wow. And he was a guy that you'd watch at these Chinese wrestlers

would be like, all right, this guy's bombing, but this material is fucking great. I take, what would you take, would you rather watch a comic with great performance of bad material or great material bad? Oh, material. That's how I feel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right? Because performance and not material is just pointless. I mean, it depends. If the bad material is bad in a campy, funny way. Well, yeah, yeah. You know, like, when I see somebody like Todd Glass, who I fucking love. He's not trying to do, like, he's giving you fun observations, and it's about his transitions, and it's about him being in the moment.

And I think he's, like, one of the most brilliant comics out there. I think I learned a little from him. I've never met him, but I used to listen to his albums. And the way he would be present before he talked to the joke, he would talk about it in a way where it was clearly like he was hearing himself. Yeah. Like he'd be like, well, and this is a thing. And, well, maybe it's not full.

You know, he'd, like, interrupt himself. He'd be constructed as he was doing it. And it really, it really was like, oh, I've taken that a little, just kind of like reminding myself, like, in between bits to, like, it's okay to, like, be like, some people do this. Well, maybe not everyone, but some people just to, like, correct yourself and feel present, you know? Yeah, Kindler does that. Eddie Pepitone does that. There's a handful of guys in L.A. that are really, really special.

And don't, don't really hit the road. I mean, Todd does the road. but, you know, not with the regularity because they're, you know, they're kind of unique. Hard to do at like a dumb club, I guess. Yes, yes, yes. So you've just come from, congratulations, you just did Byron Allen's show.

What is it called? Comics Unleashed. Comics Unleashed. I was unleashed. Couldn't talk about religion. Couldn't do anything dirty. Couldn't do anything political. Other than that, off the leash.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Norm MacDonald called it. comics completely leave. Well, he has that great thing about how the prompts are so obvious. I don't know if Norman Donald was making this up. It might have been real where John Levitz was on and Biden Allen goes, so John,

I hear you're getting older. He's a nice guy, very nice guy. The prompts are fun. He's like, yeah, hey, I hear you're a fat Jew. I hear your... Was that your prompt? No, no. He said, I...

So you give him the bits and then he writes to questions. question. Okay. So one bit was about like a nightmare gig I did 16 years ago. And then the question was, how's the road going? Literally the least effort he possibly could have put into that. I had to be like, the road's going well. Sometimes I remember these old gifts. And does that in any way pertain to the next person's question? No, he asked different questions for each person. And sometimes there's the same question. There was a really embarrassing part where it just happened that all the other comics,

the question was, how do you stay so healthy? And they asked all, like, three times and then turned to be an asked different question. It looked like he just changed it on the spot. But I mean, I didn't have that question. That's hilarious. It's a fun show, man. Yeah. Yeah, it's fun to get a prompt to just, you know.

I'm sick of this shit where you're asking me a question. I have to think of something on the fly, you know? Yeah. Ask me a question for my hour. Sure. What would happen if your mother walked into a situation where everybody was waiting for customer service? You just do it like so. That bit's so fucking funny.

Which is a bit. I was asleep for the beginning of it. But then you're talking about how everybody is like sheepishly standing around and there's a wait for something. And then she comes in and she goes, what the fuck is going on here? Who's in charge? Wait, what is this? That's not a bit of mine.

Yeah. Maybe it's not the last special? Maybe it's an earlier special. No, this was morbidly... No, this was the comedy seller. Yeah, that's not my last special. I've done one since then. Okay.

But that's, I mean, that's a good bit too. I do... My last special is called Morbidly Jewish. Well, good plug, which you can watch now on YouTube. How many views? Has it had? I take the fifth. Five, five views.

It's going to pop up. I'm going to tell my audience right now. And I have a lot of comedians on the show. And I don't have on comedians that I don't think are good. I can't. Right. But this particular gentleman sitting here with me is truly like a guy who's going to be blowing up and he's going to start getting really big numbers and watch the special right away.

It's real, it's fucking quality. Watch it up, morbidly Jewish. And say you came from this pod, say it in the comments. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Say Fitzdog sat me. Yeah, yeah. And then you can see just how small my audience is. I got to get the data.

So I don't care what it is. No, but really, check it out. Thank you, buddy. Well, you're the one of the best. You know, I opened for years ago. It was great. Yeah. It was so fun watching you.

I'm trying to remember it was an off- Broadway. Comedy off Broadway, in Lexington, Kentucky. Yeah. You stole a candy bar from the Starbucks. and I didn't know if you were stealing it or you were just having like old man dementia and I was afraid to bring it up

because you just took it and put in your pocket. Yeah. Well, I do that. Every single time I go to Starbucks, I steal the peanut butter bar. I assumed it was that. Every single time I go. But I was worried like,

what if you just forgot? I didn't want to embarrass you. You weren't afraid of embarrass me by calling me a klepto? Because that's what it is. I'm so anti-business. It's like embarrassing than just forgetting. Yeah. I guess it depends on who the person is.

Well, I got to hand it to you. You did in a way where it looked like you could have forgot, so maybe that's part of the thing. Well, what I do is I pick up two. Uh-huh. And then I put one back, so it looks like I've put it back. But the other one, I've got clipped with my thumb and the flat part of my hands. Yeah.

And then I slide it into my hoodie. Yeah, it's a good gesture because I didn't know if you were just not real. Yeah, it was good. I would never steal from a Monpaw shop, but I steal from corporate. From corporations. Yeah. That makes sense. That's valid. Victimless crime.

I think so. My friend once did a grift on the airport. It's a pretty brilliant grift. Actually, my other friend, she thought of it. She was like, I'm going to fly in. She was flying into some gig. Or no, he was. And she was going to pick him up.

And before he, like, once the plane landed, she pulled up and she went in the airport, got his suitcase and put it in the car. And then when he came out, he was like, my suitcase is gone. And he filed the whole thing. and they gave him like $2,500. No. Yeah. Wow, that's a big one.

Yeah. And he was Muslim. That's fraud. It was like a Muslim doing a criminal activity at the airport, but a fun one. Hey, if they're going to do them, let it be that one. Yeah. But where were you on 9-11? Where was I?

Yeah. It just seems to the little interrogate of, or another word. Just curious. I was nowhere near there. I'll tell you the true story about 9-11. I feel bad about this, but it is true. You feel bad about 9-11? Well, I'll tell you why.

I feel responsible. Okay. Because I flew one of the planes. No, I was at my high school. I was a senior. Where was this? Louisville, Kentucky. DuPont Manuel.

And I was late to a class. and I didn't know about 9-11 yet. They didn't even call it that day, you know. They call it that later, you know? Right. And I'm walking to my class, and I'm late, and I literally remember praying to God, like, God, create some excuse so I don't get in trouble

because the teacher was really mad that, like, I was late. He said, I'd get detention if I'm late again. I'm like, God, get me out of this. And then as I'm walking, someone goes, do you hear, like, a building hit the towers, you know? And then when I got in class, the teacher was like, What to hell? I'm like, turn on the TV.

And he turned on the TV, the whole thing which forgot to me being laid. So I'm kind of worried. I mean, that'd be a pretty roundabout way for, I feel like God could have done other ways to, it's a pretty roundabout way to, I feel like he could have done something easier.

Yeah, a fire alarm could have gone off from the school. Or just had the teacher not get me a detention. It sounds like, it'd be funny if he's like, all right, I guess you give me no choice. He just puts the place into the building. But it. It would be the good first scene of a movie that you realize you have that power. Right, right.

You don't know how to temper it. Like the power is too strong and you're trying to learn how to, you know. Yeah. I mean, it's fun to have that power, you know? Like you ever, like, miss a flight or something and they have to put you on another flight, it really screws up your day. But then you just hope that first flight crashes so you don't feel regret. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hopefully that flight will crash and then I'll know I made the right decision. Yeah. You need like 400 people to die just so you don't feel inconvenienced. Well, there was this girl, Dory Stewart, that I was going to have sex within a field when I was a teenager. Like, that's not, I didn't chase her there. It was like, we were all partying. You really got to, you really got to explain that one. Well, I was like, we're going to have sex in a hole I dug in the woods.

We're going to have sex in this, we were just randomly having sex in this rape dungeon I built. No, it was like, you know, we'd all go, high school, you know, you'd all go into a field and you'd build a fire and then you'd sneak off. And so I snuck off with her. And I got her pants down and my pants were down. Uh-huh. And I was about to make love to her, which, you know, we were 16. I would also just maybe the phrase, I got her pants down. Yeah.

Got, yeah. She took her pants off. Yeah, yeah. That could also sound a little bit. Yeah. I got her pants down. Right, right, right. It seems like she wasn't really involved in the whole thing.

You know what I also don't like is I took her virginity. Yeah. That's a bad phrase. I don't like, yeah. I don't like it either took it, yeah. But so anyway, I was about to make love to her. And then her sister walked over and she put her clothes back on. She left.

And then she had sex with my friend sneaky Pete the next week. Sneaky Pete got chlamydia. Oh, that's great. So that's my 9-11. That's great. That's a great story. Did you pray for it? Or did you?

You better get cliquiness. I don't regret this. Yeah. That's great. So that other sister really, that sister really saved you. I don't know if she knew her sister had chlamydia. No,

I'm not saying that. I mean, that would have been a real sound. I'm just more saying like unintentionally. Yes. You should, you know, it's,

you never know. You really can't complain about anything because you never know how it's going to end up. You never know. know if something's good fortune or bad fortune. Well, that's very Buddhist. Yeah. You were probably, when she left, you were probably like, I should have just, you know, taken her on the field. You know what I mean? She was just buried her there. I killed it. You know, you felt regret, but you never know,

she had chlamydia, you know. Did you ever get any venereal diseases? I, and I'm really, I feel really, I got scabies once, and it was the first time I ever hooked up with a black girl, and it made me feel like God was racist and was punishing me, you know? I started to wonder if God is racist. But that's the only time. And I got it from her, Skabies. Yeah. But.

Well, God did invent the N-word. I mean, he created everything. That's true. I guess that is true. Yeah. But I got Skabies. That's the only one I've ever got it. Skabies like crabs?

It's, yeah, it's like a little bug in your skin. Like, it's pretty gross. It's like, does anyone know it? Does it embed itself in your skin? Yeah, it's pretty gross. Yeah. And, you know, my wife, she says this, too. She has herpes.

Your wife has herpes? Yeah. But I don't have herpes because we don't have sex. I've not had sex. No, no, no, I don't have herpes. She has herpes, yeah. So you have to wait until she's not festering to do it? No, she doesn't really, yeah, it's called outbreak.

Oh, okay. Which I guess isn't a great term either. No, no. Like Ebola. Yeah, yeah. Like that little monkey's going to come out of her. pussy. It's not festering.

It's called an Ebola outbreak. No, she gets in every once in a while, but yeah, it's not a big deal. I mean, it's very, you know, herpes is very, it's overly stigmatized. A lot of people have it, you know? No, a third of all Americans have it. Yeah, I think the thing that's annoying about herpes is that people act like it's a big deal. If people that act like it was a big deal, there would be no stigma, you know.

Does she get on her lip? No, no, no, no. Down there. If she got on her lip, I don't think that would be like an issue really, right? I know women that have like... But herpes on your lip, you don't even have to like make an announcement. You don't know you get a blister. Yeah, but you don't have to like...

Before you have sex, you don't have to be like... I just want to let you know. Sometimes I get herpes on my lip. I don't think you have to make a... No, but you're walking around with a big herpes blister and everybody knows that's what it is. Yeah, yeah. But I'm saying you don't, if you were having sex with someone, you don't have to debate whether to have sex with them if they get herpes on

the mouth, right? I don't know. Yeah. I have no idea how it didn't catch herpes because I was very unprotected. Unprotected. Yeah, I mean, you also may be impervious to it. I mean, I think a lot of people have it and don't have symptoms. I never caught COVID.

You never caught COVID? Never caught COVID. Wow. I didn't know anyone. You did get AIDS. I somehow didn't get AIDS. I did get chlamydia twice. I got gonorrhea once

I got the crabs a couple times These are all like old school like sailor STVs Yeah yeah yeah You got the fun ones You can get rid of With a little medication

Yeah Or like the rind of a grapefruit How is what is crabs like That's chlamydia right? No That's the clap No I think gonorrhea is the clap Goneria is they all have nicknames

Goneria is a clap And then crabs is Crabs is Crabs? I know, I think there is another name for crabs. But I got it in Denmark and it actually wasn't sexual. I was in a steam.

I was in a dry sauna in Denmark. I was 18. I traveled around the world when I was 18 for like six months by myself. And I ended up in a Danish sauna. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then I all of a sudden I had not sex with anybody and I realized

it was from there. And so I had to go into a Danish pharmacy like an all-night pharmacy. and the woman behind the counter doesn't speak English. And I'm trying to pantomime. I'm going, going like this, point of my crotch, you going like that. And then she nods and she gives me this cream and a little comb. And you got to comb them out.

You had to charades, crabs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. One word. Crabbs. I'm trying to show her butter, crackers. That's a hard one. You're like singing the little mermaid song

Under the Seas. My bodega next to me, there's always like a little kid who works there. And sometimes I have to get condoms. And it feels so uncomfortable because he's like 11. And I have to like... Why is he working there if he's 11?

It's like a family run shop. And it's just like, I don't know. They just... He might not. Maybe he's a little old. Everyone looks very young to me. He's not like in high school. Like Dominican or something?

No, they're Syrian. Oh. And I'm pretty sure. And he's like 11. And I have to like be like, can I get, it feels like a crime. I'm like, can I get condoms, you know? And then I have to be like, you want me to show you how to use them? No.

But I buy them from it. It just feels very uncomfortable. That's all I have to say to that. This, when I was. Because I pantom I'm having sex to him. Oh. Because he doesn't know English. I mean you say pantomime.

You have to really grab them. And then come, I go, oh, sorry. So when I was in health class, when I was in, like, eighth grade, the gym teacher came in to do sex ed for us. And he comes in, and he stands in front of the class, and he goes, you know, I'm going to show you guys how to put on a con. him today and he had a banana in his hand. And he goes, and if you're wondering why I'm holding a banana in my hand,

it's because I can't get an erection on an empty stomach. That's a Dan Adamant joke. I actually did, I was, I was going to, I didn't know where he goes. I was going to actually reference that joke. It's a very funny joke. He is one of the great jokes. It's such a good joke that it's now a street joke. I have people telling it to me on golf courses.

I think Louis brought it up on it. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is an amazing job. He is so funny. That's another guy, like, you go, like, he should be huge. Yeah. I mean, I don't think that, but he is really fun.

You're like this six-year-old man should be. I mean, I think he should have. No, he's great, though. Like Todd Barry has a really cool career. He should have more of a time. He should have more of a Todd Barry far where he can go out and he could go out and he's in the redos and I'm like, that was hard. No, no, no, no, no.

Who wants that anyway? Who the fuck wants to play arena? I mean, I'm not knocking the guys they do. The bigger the room, the less fun it is, honestly. I've done those. I've opened for Burt, and you go up there, and it's like, it's like being, it's like wearing clothes into a swimming pool. Yeah. You don't feel the water.

You don't feel in control. Because they can talk. So it's like they don't even have to fully think of. They're very polite. Yeah. Like, you don't hear a lot of that. But I'm just saying. But it happens.

So there's no real. sense of like a silence. Yeah, yeah, right, right, right. Yeah, I went up to the rafters while other guys were on stage just to see what it was like. Nobody's laughing up there. Yeah. They're just watching.

Because it's not a, it's no longer feels like a, you know, whatever, like theater shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just feels like a sports game. Don't get me wrong, Bert. If you want to pay me a ton of money again, they go out and sleep on a bus and have fun, I'll gladly do it. Yeah. But you, I want to bring this up because you are very outspoken towards.

Joe Rogan online. Is this something you don't want to talk about? No, I don't care. I talk about it online. Yeah. So that's interesting. Now, are there other comics in that sort of, what do they call it, the bro? The bro sphere or whatever, that you take issue with, or is it specifically Rogan? It's not that I take issues. Because you've been on a show.

I have been on a show. More than once? Just one time. Okay. It's not that I take issue with him even. I'm a comedian who does political jokes And Rogan is a part of politics And it just feels hypocritical To be like I can't make fun of him

Right Because he's, you know Because he's a comedian Because it's just like He's more than that Right And I make fun of whoever's in charge I make fun of MAGA

I make fun all of that And to me he's part of that So I don't know I also just really am very much Against conspiracy theories And that kind of shit So you know I just you know

Make fun of it for that. Are there any conspiracy theories that you take stock in? Did we land on the moon? Yeah. No, I'm avidly against conspiracy theories, except for that one. What is that? Except for the one that would make you not believe in anything. Here's how I describe that one.

It's probably not true. The theory that it didn't happen is probably not true, but I refuse to let myself believe that because it's too much fun. It's a fun one. It's a fun one. But when you're saying, like, vaccines don't work, that's not as fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right.

I, you know, I did the show. He was very nice. And I didn't make fun of him afterwards any time soon. But it was around the time he, like, endorsed Trump. And then he had Elon Musk on. And, like, Elon Musk had done the defunding of, you know, USAID. And he was just letting Elon Musk be this, like, mouthpiece for his lies. And at that point, I was like, I think I can make fun of him.

Yeah, right. Have you ever gotten any feedback about, has he had a reaction to it at all? I don't think he knows. I don't know, yeah. I will say, I did Adam Carolla's podcast yesterday, and he's like, I think he's pretty right-wing. Yeah. And the first thing he said to me was like, man, I watched your last hour. It's so funny.

And I was like, I think if Joe Rogan would have said that, I would never have made fun of him. Yeah, yeah, right, right, right. Like, Adam Carolla said that. I'm like, I'm like, I can never call out this guy. Yeah. Well, look, you know, in full disclosure, like, I'm the most frequent guest in the history of the Adam Carolla show. Oh, really? I've done it like 110 times.

I had a blast. He is such a prolific riffer. Yeah. He is, I mean, a loyal friend to me. He's also trying to be funny, which is like, yeah. And he tries to make it funny. I mean, he does, he does stop down and get super political, but he doesn't do that much when I'm on the show because I think he knows that we're on different, we're in different places politically. Yeah.

And this isn't really a place. Lace. Like, he had Gavin Newsom on, and I think they mixed it up. But I'm not there to mix it up politically. Right, right. I'm there to be funny. Well, that's the thing with Rogan. I went on Rogan, and he's so serious.

We brought up conspiracy theories, and then I, like, kind of argued with him. Uh-huh. And it led to thousands of people messaging me that I was retarded. Oh, really? Because it's a religion. Any positive ones? Or were they all bashing you? All bad.

I mean, my favorite was a lot of anti-Semitic, which is, by the way, most conspiracy theories, Anti-Semitism is like the glue that holds them together. You know what I mean? Anytime there's a prom with them, you're like, well, the Jews. Well, it always ends up there. It always ends up there. It could be the moon. And eventually it's like, it's the ball just trickles down and then Jew.

So all the comments, like all, like not all of it, but like a large amount of comments were anti-Semitic on Rogan. My favorite was one says like, oh, a Jew doesn't believe in conspiracy theories. That's hilarious. I thought that was pretty funny. One said, look at that Jew with his like dark, lifeless eyes. It was like Robert Shaw talking about the shark and jaws. He's got these Jews, the tall eyes. Jews and jaws.

Jews and jaws. Jews, yeah. Yeah, so that was also annoying to get so much anti-Semitic. I don't know. It just made me, I just like, so with Rogan, you would, like, argue with him. And then it gets a whole thing. With Corolla, you're just, he's just, like, having fun. Yeah.

And then sometimes he brings up right-wing stuff. You just kind of work your way around. Exactly. No, I mean, people will comment. And sometimes like, wow, that was a really good three-minute pause, you took. And my eyes just go down and I literally just, you know, think about other shit. It's actually a kind of a fun game. It's like a challenge.

Like, he'll say it. You're like, oh, how do I like riff my way out of it? There have been times where I have definitely said my piece at times. But I can't stress enough that him saying that he really liked my last hour. I cannot stress enough how. It makes it really hard not to like someone. But, dude, that's what they say about Trump. People that are on the bubble, they meet them and they walk away going like,

even Bill Maher. I know. He knows how to do it. Yeah. I'm not saying, I'm not saying Carolla's like that. But like Trump, I'm hoping Carolla's not a sociopath who just said that to get me on his side. No, Corolla has a deep respect for stand-of-comity.

He really does, and he knows good comedy. But Trump knows how to say what you want to hear. Yes. Which is a sociopathic thing. He knows how to be whoever you want him to be. And he's definitely tricked a lot of comics. Yeah. And I actually think it's embarrassing if you're a comedian who got tricked by him

because it's like as a comedian you're supposed to be like self-aware. And it's like if you're tricked by like such an obvious con man, I mean, I guess he knows. I guess if you're talking to me, but like just the fake hair, the fake voice, the fake skin. It's a little cartoonist. The chronic lying. Yeah. It's just weird to be tricked by him. It's like if after George Carlin had a long.

bit he then went but Santa Claus is real you know like it's just like kind of so no Zach Alfenakis did an interview with Conan O'Brien this week and he talks about the comedians that are talking to Trump and normalizing them and saying that they're failing at their job because you're the court jester yeah you're not supposed to be serious you're supposed to be the one challenging yeah the person and not you know and I you know and I don't have like look Joe Joe's the other one. I've been on Joe's podcast 25 times. I was just my 25th appearance and he's a close friend.

It's funny if he came out and beat me up. I know. But with Joe, it's the same thing. I feel like we don't get into heavy political stuff. And I also like I don't think that Joe has ever said anything disingenuously in his life. When he says something, he believes it.

He's not a grifter. He's not a guy that... I don't think he's a grifter either. No. But he did endorse Trump and help him get elected. Whether he's a griff's or not, it's, you know, I don't begrudge anyone

who goes on a show or friends with him, but I do think that's something you can at least make fun of. Right. If you're going to endorse Trump and possibly help, I'm not saying he got him elected,

but my rule is I don't make fun of comics unless you help Trump, unless you're helping psychopaths get elected who's destroying the world, then I can make fun of you. And I think that's okay. I don't think he's a bad guy. Yeah.

But I do think it's hypocritical for me to, like, make fun of, like, maga and avoid like people i think did help him you know right i just think it's hypocritical yeah and once again let me just stress he did not say he liked my last hour if you would have said that well i technically have not told you i like your last hour because i watched the wrong one that's true the one i watched was at the comedy seller yeah was that at the comedy underground or in the cellar the the one you saw was probably village underground Yeah. Is that a good place to tape?

Great place. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I did my last one at different place just to mix it up. I might do my next one there. But my next one's going to be a half hour. No more one hour specials. Oh, nice. Half hour. No, you look at the, you can see where they fall off. I know, I know. After 20, 25 minutes, it goes like that. Not just, I'm not for me. Everybody's specials are like that. People have no attention span. So I'm wasting 30 minutes of material when I do a one hour special. I made mine short. My last one, was like actually only 45 minutes, 43 minutes shorter.

Attells was 41. Yeah, his was, yeah. Well, because I think he, I think it was 38. Contractual obligation. Did you hear about this? I think he said it on the show. Like he was contractually obligated, so he added like a thing. He added two minutes of him playing the, playing a, uh, with a recorder to the seals at

the bay in San Francisco. Yeah, he's so great. So great. But he had such a line for himself on that one. Like, uh, I know I look like a hobo on open, like talent. or something with the recorder. Yeah. The way he phrases everything is always amazing. It's amazing.

He, like, has his own, it's going to sound pretentious, but he almost has his own world he's created. Yeah. It's like Dylan with, like, the circus and all this shit. Like, everything in his world is, he's like, he's like, the only comic who world builds. Like, he has a world of, like, hobos and sailors. Sailors and midgets. Pirates.

And pirates. He's like, he's the only comedian who, like, builds their own universe. And then he loves the cops and the firemen. He'll drive to fucking Montauk to do a benefit for a fireman. And he gets, he donates so much of his money to different charities. He's a really great guy. I actually don't. Soldiers. I seem out to sell her.

I'm very nervous by him because I feel like he, he like doesn't, he's like a feral cat. I feel like if you go up, he'll like run away. So I just keep my distance. Yeah. I mean, he's been one of my close. He was at my wedding. He's one of my closest friends for a long time. And it's like we'll talk on the phone.

he'll be in Cleveland. I'm in fucking Lexington and we'll talk on the phone at three in the morning. I hear he does this thing where he calls you to see if like you have a similar joke. Now all the time. He can't just be like, let's talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the old school comics. He can't just be like, hey, how's it going? And then I'll be in New York for five days and I'll be like, hey man, you want to grab a meal or something. And immediately it's like a kitten you're trying to hold down. Just like, oh, no, you know, I got a, he's a phone guy. He's a phone guy. He's a phone guy.

and he's a sidewalk outside the comedy seller guy. He likes the sidewalk and he likes the phone. He does love that sidewalk. Yeah. That alley. He loves smoking that. Yeah. I mean, yeah, he's influenced on me in a ways that I, like, haven't always, like,

thought about consciously, but, like, the way he gets to a punchline in the middle of a sentence. Yes. Like, he'll get it to on the third word or the fourth word. Sam Meryl said he's, like, he's described it well. He has, like, the shortest swing in the business, like, just getting to it It's like an off-speed pitch. Yeah, I really, that has, like, I try to be, I mean, I'm not anywhere as good,

but I try to be like, I like to have those jokes where you can get a punchline right in the middle. Those are really fun, you know what I mean? Yeah, I have a joke. It feels like a joke, yeah, I said, I was like, oh, I was in Texas. I said, and it's just in a minute I go, I was swimming in the Gulf of Ivanka's Pussy or whatever it's called now. They change the name every week. You know, I can't keep up. But it just feels so like getting the, not that the joke is like this, but just the fun of having the punchline where you, like in the middle as opposed to the end of the sentence.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I remember there was these Asian girls sitting up front and he just walks over and they had an all black and the red lipstick and like the designer bag and he goes, could you be more Asian? That's all it took. Yeah, he's amazing. All right, I wrote a script. Yeah. But I was, while I was on the sleeping pill without the Adderall and the coffee.

You wrote that before the Adderall? Yeah. Was it Adderall or Ritalin? Ritalin, actually. That's so old school. I took Adderall, but the crash when it ended was so. It's intense. Oh, my God.

I couldn't have. I used to get addicted. I got addicted to it. Oh, you did? Did you snort it ever? I didn't snort it. No, I didn't like, I mean, I liked it. I actually liked time release, but I got.

I would do like 90 milligrams a day for a while. No. Are you serious? I was a serious addict. Dude, I'd take 15. Yeah. No,

I was a serious. I'm a bigger guy. But that's like 15 to me. But I eventually like ran out. And then I like bought like, I thought it was like synthetic out of the street. It turned out to be like bath salts. I had to go to like the hospital.

I ended up doing outpace. What do you mean on the street? Where? Like a guy I knew had like something his uncle made, some bullshit. Like it's like. I was trying to be best. I thought I was going to die, went to the hospital,

like, and I ended up to do an outpatient rehab. This was years ago. Yeah. Before I was doing comedy. And, or maybe when I started a couple years into it. I'm doing the Todd Glass thing.

Well, maybe it would, but, but yeah, so I can't do Adderall anymore. I loved it. It's the best drug. I miss it.

Well, it's great. I was on it every day for, I used to take a patch, which is the fucking best. I love that. You slap the patch on. It's slow release.

And when you want it, like, this is when I was writing on TV shows. I'd be done with work. Peel it off. Beautiful. And you stop getting a feed. I love this slow release. I don't want it all at once. I just want to just slowly release it so I never have to feel real feelings ever throughout the day, you know?

I just find, I have extreme ADHD. I mean, I took the wrong pills today. I do 10 things like that a day. Don't you think you need ADD to be a comedian? Because to me, part of, like, being a comedian, it's like, Nabila, like, what do you call it, stream of conscience to be like, oh, that reminds me of this. Yes.

You kind of need that, like, for writing, I feel like, to have that meandering. I think so. And I think, you know, if you look at ancient civilizations, they were always the writers and the artists. And they were left alone. They didn't have to go in the fields and they didn't have to fight war.

they were left to paint and write and they I went to Bali in Indonesia and they still have that Abu is their artist center and you go there and it's just a bunch of guys

fucking sitting around I know it's art is the one thing that was actually easier to do back in the day because people like you look at like the painters they all have fucking benefactors I don't have a benefactor

I don't have some rich guy being like we need a support Ronan's dick jokes you know these fuckers had like these fuckers had like These fuckers had like All the artists

All the the the Renaissance players They all had some rich guy They probably had to suck their dick Every once in a while But they had some rich guy Who just like supported them It's harder to be an artist now

You got nothing It's true You end up with these really tough day jobs And then your art ends up being About your day job Right Like you know I don't want to hear another open mic

Mic or talk about their fucking Burista job I was told early on I mean rules are meant to be broken But I was told early on you shouldn't, even if you do have another job, you probably shouldn't bring it up. Yeah. Because you do want the audience to think you're a professional comedian, even if you're not.

Right. I think that's good advice, I think. Did you have support from your parents when you started doing stand-up? They, I mean, they're Jewish, so there's just like, be a lawyer. I wish you were a lawyer. Do you go to school for anything like that? No, I went to school for like screenwriting and carry on to other jobs or help with anything. Did you get a degree?

No, I didn't finish. Oh, that must have brought. broke their fucking hearts. I did get a lot. I have the debt without the degree. And I was doing a state school in New York because it was like a conservatory called Cudity Purchase. Yeah.

My wife went there. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, we must have brought this up before. So it's a state school. So everyone local is a great school. It is a good school, but I was paying out of state tuition for state school. So I paid out of state tuition for a state school and did not graduate and just have like a bunch of debt.

And now I don't really care. I don't really pay it, but I'm married now. Yeah. And the thing about marriage, I forget, it's like now that she's, like, worried about it because the debt's affecting her now. But wasn't there a moment in time where you could have erased your college debt? Wouldn't that happen during Biden where they were like... It was on, it was frozen. It was appalled.

But Trump is, Trump shifted it. Another reason I talk shit about Rogan. Trump, I call the, like, Trump changed at all. So, like, they're now allowed to, like, put you in jail and murder you if you have student debt. He, like, went reversed it. I called the I forget the people who take care of the load

now, it's like the government and it was scary talking to them. Yeah. Because I was like, all right, so what could I owe like? I mean, I don't owe a huge amount like 40,000? I mean, I guess that's quite a bit.

It's quite a bit. I mean, you know, it's quite a bit. But I was talking to that, I'm like, okay, so can I get on a payment plan or pay a certain amount? And they're like, you cannot. Well, is there anything I can do to like pay off

they're like you cannot do anything and I'm like so what do I do to get out of because I was in what do you call it the I was trying to get out of the what do you call it the I've never had debt I've no idea of you're talking about what's it called like you're in like delinquency yeah and they're like

you want to get out of delinquency you have to pay it all yeah there's no help anymore I thought there was like I can't think you hire agencies that help you negotiate a new loan destroyed all that Trump has really switched around But let's get back to Sunni Purchase because...

I want to talk about Trump and have all your listeners to try. Please. No, that's not what I was doing. My wife went there and my buddy Matt Malloy is an actor. I know that guy. You know him. He's bald. He's been in everything.

Wait. Is he the guy an elephant? He's in Paradise right now. That's your paradise. Is he kind of like, wait, is he an older, nerdy-looking guy? Yeah. He is in... He's the principal in the movie. elephant, right? The Columbine movie?

Maybe. He's the vice principal in the movie Election. Yes. Yeah. Yes. He's an elephant, too. I love that guy. You know that guy? He's one of my best friends. Oh, really? So he went to Sunni Purchase. Elections were my favorite movies. And his best friend at SUNY Purchase was Edie Falco. Right. She went there.

She's a lot. I think I saw her speak. And Stanley Tucci went there, too. Stanley Tucci went there. There's a really huge director who went there. I can't remember his name. Yeah, there's a bunch of people. It's a great school. And I grew up 10 minutes from there.

You're in Westchester? Yeah, I grew up in Tarrytown. Oh, I love Terry Town. Tarry Town is beautiful. Yeah, Tarry Town. I was going there with my wife. I was like, I want to live here. It's gorgeous.

It's gorgeous. And, you know, so much of it is the land is undeveloped because Rockefeller owns it. Oh, shit. So the estate said, we'll donate this land to the town, but you can't, you have to not develop two thirds of it. No wonder. Yeah, it's a big lake there. And it's on the Hudson River. So gorgeous.

Well, the town's from, you know, the 18. hundreds. Yeah, beautiful town. I will say purchase was a good school. It was gritty. Like, when I went there, a lot, like, there was a lot of drugs. A lot of drugs. We used to go to buy our drugs.

But not the drugs I was expecting in college. Like, I thought people would be on weed. I knew a lot of people were on heroin. Yeah. There was like a lot of heroin at the college. I was like, this seems like an intense drug for a college. Yeah, they had a big ultimate frisbee scene there. And so we used to go up there and we'd play frisbee and buy drugs.

A lot of drugs. drugs. I mean, I just did cocaine and weed, and I was considered straight-edged there by everyone else's compares. They didn't know about your adderall. They didn't know about my adderall. I knew people were like on like heroin a lot. I was like, geez. You never snorted it? Heroin? Yeah. No. One time, I like painkillers back of the day. Yeah. I guess I still do, but I don't really get them that much. It's hard to get these days. I know. I know. You know, you just have to go to a old person's home and look through their bathroom. My knee, I just got surgery on my knee

and they gave me like 30, which I thought was generous. It's hard to get them. The fucking sacklers, they really fucked it up. They fucked it up. Yeah, it sucks. You used to get them for everything. Yep. Go to dentists, wisdom teeth, anything. I had shoulder surgery and I had my

surgeon, my general practitioner, and the rehab guy all separately prescribing drugs for my shoulder. And I got hooked on this shit for like six months. I was taking three, four pills a day. Yeah.

I could shit. It's a bad that I'm like, that sounds awesome. Good shit. It's really bad for shitting. It's like coral. It gets so dry. Yeah. Yeah, it is bad for shitting.

And it can make your face itch. I remember my wife, we just had a baby. Oh, congratulations. How long ago? Three months. No shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. Good for you. My wife didn't want to get an epidural at first. Yeah. At one point, she was like, would you get an epidural if you were pregnant? And I'm like, I've been on Vicodin just because I'm dealing with the pain of boredom. So, yeah.

My wife didn't want one either, but she ended up. Well, she ended up with a C-section, so she kind of had to. Yeah, my wife didn't want one. She's like, don't pressure me. Don't do anything. And then, you know, that first contraction, she's like, someone shoved heroin in my pushy right now. Someone gets me fentanyl right now. No, I'm joking.

She was actually a trooper, and she, like, waited out a long time for her to get the, to the medication. And she popped out of the baby very quickly. Is she breastfeeding okay? Yeah. She's breastfeeding okay. We're trying to transition to the bottle. Breastfeeding is nice.

You don't have to, as a man, do much. Right. It's pretty great. Yeah. You, I mean, I'm here to help. Yeah. But there's a limit to how much I can do. No, it's extremely effective.

We traveled with my son quite a bit. My wife's, my wife's, a doula. She's a postnatal dula. Oh, no way. So she teaches breastfeeding and that's why I ask. You might need some help because we're trying to get her to the bottle. Dude, please, please. Put her on the phone with my wife. They'll get on to Zoom. She'll help her through it. Well, she actually doesn't have a problem breastfeeding. We have a problem now with her. Yeah, she can up with all that. She does all that. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. But no, we flew to Australia when he was like three months old and he didn't fucking peep because

every time the ears started to pop or whatever, threw him on the tit and the sucking clears the ears. Yeah, it's great. The milk makes him. drowsy so he falls back asleep again. Yeah. It was great. Yeah. No, it's breastfeeding is great.

I'm all for it because I'm like some people, they go to the bottle right away. But then the man and the woman have to. It's a lot of work. They have to split it and a half. That's right. So I'm not really, uh, so I'm from the beginning. I'm like breastfeeding. You got to do that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. No, I'm kidding. She wanted to do breastfeeding.

So where are you guys living that you have the baby? We live in Astoria. Everyone lives in Astoria. There's a story. We have, yeah. How big's your apartment? So I used to live in Joe, you know, Joe Liss. Yeah.

He's a really good friend of mine. I moved into his place. I lived across the hall. He moved out. I moved into his place and he had a really nice setup. Wasn't he with Dan Soder before? Maybe years ago. Okay.

He has a kid now too. And he has like a two bedroom, but he rents out the basement. So I got two, if you put it all together, I have like a house. I have a two bedroom, but it's two flights of stairs down. So it's not really connected. Two flights of stairs. stairs down, I have like two other rooms in like a bathroom. Yeah.

Really? So you combine it, but it's not combined. You have to walk down two flights of stairs. And what's, and he lives in between? Joe? Yeah. No, no, I'm saying that's where he, that was his setup and I took it over. So he moved out of me.

Wait, so if there's a basement, then the other apartment is on the second floor? So yeah, my apartment's two bedroom on the second floor. You go down two flights of stairs. There's other people living. Oh, that's what I'm saying. So there's a family in between you. They're actually all comics. You might know that.

You know Steve Rogers? Yes. Him, it used to be him and Caitlin Palufo. They got a divorce or no, they were, whatever. They, him downstairs. You know Derek Stroop? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was on the podcast recently.

He lives across from me. Okay. Yeah, yeah, very funny guy. Yeah, he was great. Yeah, he's great, yeah. So it's very loud. Yeah. He's clean, though, isn't he?

He is clean, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But don't hold it against him, though. He's clean, but he's not one of the. those, you know, serial rapist clean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right.

Bill Cosby, one of the biggest serial prolific rapists. And Burgazzi is an animal. He's a rapist. That's going to get clips. Yeah. No, but there was, what's his name? I'm not saying for clean, but Vince Champ, remember him? Dude, Vince Champ.

We had the same college agent. I guess it's just black clean comics that are the problem. Wayne Brady. Vince Champ was a comic who my agent represented. We had a college agent. Did he let you have some of the victims as part of the same age that's horrible? We would go out.

I just offended myself. We would go out. I'm like I'm on Corolla right now. I'm just looking down. And I would do a gig with Vince. And then afterwards I'd be like, hey man, you want to go grab a burger or something? And he'd be like, nah, I'm heading out.

Which is weird because we'd be in like, you know, Iowa North Area Community College, which is nothing. If you're with a comedian on the road, they're like, I got something to do. Yeah. A crime was about to happen. So what happened was...

That's crazy. He was raping women, but not at the school he was at. I didn't know that. He would drive two hours to another school. Oh, I didn't know that. And do it there. And so they never caught him.

And these were brutal rapes. I know. I believe he... I mean, I heard that it was like he'd use, like, the music room or like the soundproof room. Yeah, yeah. He'd go into like a math. He'd go to the music rooms where they were practicing music.

So you were, it's like, I'm like talking to like Ted Bundy's like neighbor or something. It was crazy. So what happened was they caught him on one of them. And then they looked at his tour map over the last five years. And they started putting stick pins where the gig was and drawing a circle around it. And realizing that school was when he did this school. And they got the DNA kits out. and they connected dozens.

Oh, man. And he's in jail like for life. It was your schedule too, right? I did the same school. So I go to. Were you like a suspect for a while? No, I was never even interviewed. But I went to a school.

And before I go on, I go, I go, so anything you guys want me to, you never know if there's like a school shooting or something. Anything you guys want me to avoid talking about, blah, blah, blah. And they go, don't bring up rape. and I go, how come? And they go, well, Vince Champ was here. I swear we got. I go, so let me get this straight.

True comic. Not okay, but how come? Not all right, I won't bring it up. But if I'm going to not bring up rape, you have to have a really good reason that you need to tell me now. So let me get this straight. My agent booked Vince Champ to your school. He raped somebody.

and then you called my agent back for another comic? He must have been a hell of a comedian. They were like, well, he put on a good show. Oh, my God. Jesus, that's crazy. What was he like with sociopath, I guess? He liked exactly, so, like, positive, nice, clean, no hint of anything. None?

No. This is so great to ask you because I've always wondered. I mean, it's horrible, but I've always wondered, like, what is it? I feel like, we all feel like we know. know some sociopaths, but you never know for sure, but you know for sure a sociopath. You're right. And you get to, and I've always wondered, do people, is there really no tell? Is it just, is it just like anyone else? Or is there some kind of something a little off? And you're here to say that it's no different? I wasn't looking for it at the time.

Right. You typically don't think. And also, he's in show mode. You know, you're backstage. He's performing. And even backstage, you're sort of, you got. your face on a little bit, you know. We never did get that burger, so I never get to see that, like, you know, on guarded side. The tell was a clean comedy. A tell what? The tell. Oh, the reveal was a clean comedy, yeah.

Yeah, I do have a thing about clean comedians. Like, some of them that are, like, Brian Regan that are just naturally clean. But the ones that are doing it to be clean sometimes really do worry me. Yeah, I mean, I think, like, yeah, like, Yeah, it depends on what With Regan, who's like the greatest comic ever It's kind of like, for him, it's like I think when you're talking about like

This kind of Seinfeld observational stuff Yeah It is tough to curse Right, right, right, right. If you're like, what's the deal with these fucking pop tars? The minute you say fuck it, everyone's like, What do you care? The minute you bring it fuck, you're like, who gives a shit?

It has to be a restraint observation. Yeah, so I get it for like observation. I do get it for like, that because it is hard and i feel i would say it's Seinfeld handles himself very well now on stage but it is tough now that like some people in the back yell like genocide yeah and then he has to go back to a bit about like you know scuba diving or pop tarts it's like it's tough to like yeah you know you don't want to hear the word genocide and then have to go back to that right though he handles himself very well he's very funny about it but um so i get that i think derrick is similar to that

where it's like kind of this observational stuff but it does it is annoying when it feels calculated. Yes. You know? Yeah, this dry bar thing is really good for people because it's a huge audience. I did it. You did. Yeah, I mean, it's a really good thing to do, but it definitely is encouraging more people to be cleaner than they normally would be. If you're, everyone I know who's clean makes a lot more money than me. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not a high bar. Right. But like, it's clean is the way to do it. If you want to really make money. Well, what's annoying is I feel like some of these clean comics who need clean openers

they got to get a comic who's clean all the time they can't have any evidence I can do clean comedy just because I have so much material some of it just happens to be clean but they never book me I'm like they fucking Bargassi should book me I'm fucking I can be clean you just cursed as you were saying

but I'm saying I can be clean I just it's like you can't have any evidence of cursing yeah you have to like Calm down. It's like I just said something about Israel. So listen, people can see your special. You can see, you have three specials, right?

I have, I think four. Yeah, downhill ever since, brave, jokes from the underground are morbidly Jewish. All on YouTube. All on YouTube. All on YouTube. All on YouTube. All I can't wait to see this new one. No, really, I can't wait.

I really appreciate it. I really enjoy your stuff. And I also, can I plug one other thing? Please plug everything. I looked for your tour dates, but I didn't see anything for the next couple months. Are you taking a sabbatical? Taking a little breather? This is like in college when someone asked if I was a virgin in front of everyone.

It's all right. You got a new baby. It's fine. I have stuff coming up, but it's in like a couple months. Yeah. I should actually put it up. I need to put it up. But yeah, it's in a couple months.

I'm taking a break because of the kid. right because you're kids it's not because no one broke me in these two months no you got to sit you had assist with the breastfeeding you got to be there it's nice to have a kid and be like well I guess I'll be a good parent yeah yeah right

you either get work or be a good parent but I made a short film called memory room it's a thriller psychological thriller and it's premiering on YouTube this what does this come out tomorrow it's premiering on YouTube Friday.

Oh, amazing. At 7 p.m. Eastern. It won the grand prize at the International New York Short Film Festival. No kidding. Yeah, and it's, you know, I'm very proud of it. And if you want to watch it live, that helps with the algorithm.

Yeah, because, you know, if it goes viral, we can raise money to make the feature. So Friday at what time? 7 p.m. Eastern. 7 p.m. Eastern. So 4 o'clock on the West Coast, tune in. Even if you don't watch the whole thing, then.

Click it then so he gets the But don't not watch the whole thing. But yeah, watch it either way. Why are you yelling at that? Just makes it feel like you're really telling them they don't have to watch it. Try to watch it. You're like, just watch it for a second, you know. You know, take an ambient, turn it on, see what happens.

And who's in the film? These two wonderful actors that you haven't... Sunni purchased, dude. Edie Falco and Stanley Tucci. And Matt Molloy. No, some great actors, Daphty Gaines, Hal Robinson. It's about a caretaker who she has like a patient with dementia. And he's like a really nice, friendly guy.

Kind of like he's a Vince Champ, like really friendly. Yeah. And then one night, they're like listening to an old record. He looks like he remembers a song. And she's like, oh, you remember this? And he's like, this song was playing the night I strangle Rosie. That's all he says. And then he kind of goes back into his weird, you know, dementia thing.

So she's trying to like, you know, investigate it, see if he has. actually, you know, killed someone. I always think about that, like. And then you find his tour dates. What if you get old and you have dementia? And does it all leak out any secrets that you have? Scary, right? I think it does.

That's why you don't fuck around. That's going to come out. That's a whole bit of mine. I have a whole bit. Like, don't, you know, make sure you're not racist in your heart. Yeah. When you have dementia, that shit's coming out. Yeah.

Apparently, we all dislike Filipinos. Yeah. All right, man. Well, how did you feel about my hosting skills under the medication? I thought it was better than the last time. I think you should keep doing it. I think it was good. There weren't any, like, I didn't drift off at all.

No. I mean, a couple times you stared at me like stone cold, which is kind of like scary, almost like that kind of psychopathic stone cold thing. No, that's what I was doing. But I just reminded myself you're just about to fall asleep. Yeah. No, I have that. People call it, uh, um,

Maniacal eye contact. It runs in my family. My brother has it. So it felt more intense maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think it was good. Okay, good. I think he did great.

I wouldn't have noticed. See the hat? Oh, yeah. Great town. Terry town. Great town. All right. Ronan Hirshberg.

Check him out on YouTube. Go to his website. R-A-A-N-A-N-H-E-R-S-H-H-B-E-R-G. And for Instagram, R-A-N-N-N-N-M-E-M-E-N-M-E-E-N-E-M-E. Okay, great. Okay, great. Great. And thanks for coming back, man.

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