Fitzdog Radio - Ron Funches - Episode 1059

Episode Date: July 10, 2024

No, we are not crossing streams - just hanging out and talking about our times on Best Week Ever, Chelsea Lately and @Midnight. The huggable Ron Funches always kills it.

Hey, welcome to Fits Dog Radio. My guest today is Ron Funches. We'll talk about him in a minute. It's not time yet to talk about him. Adjust this a little bit. Oh, there you go. Now you can see my my vintage summer shirt that I love. And my legs are killing me. I tore my meniscus in my left knee on Thanksgiving. I don't know if I mentioned this, so I've been doing physical therapy for like a month. And this guy, Titus, his name is Titus, and he's ripped. He looks like one of the American gladiators

and he's kicking my ass. It's like an hour straight of hardcore leg work. Cause you can't fix a tear in the meniscus because there's no blood flow around it. So basically you're strengthening all the muscles in the leg except for that to strengthen it. And man, it's rough. So I'm just exhausted. Anyway, happy post-4th of July. I know it was last week, but I haven't talked to you guys since then. Took the wife and another couple, Jennifer and

Jennifer and Michael and their son Cashew. We went up to Big Bear. We got this condo and a cabin, a beautiful log cabin in a nice rustic part of Big Bear and just chilled, hiked, swam in the lake, went miniature golfing, which look, don't overlook miniature golfing. It sounds corny and touristy. It's fun as shit if you're with the right people. It's fun. Gotta get a lot of gambling going. Went fishing, went out on this boat with this guy, and I am officially 0 for 7 in fishing trips.

I've never, any of this, I have never caught a fish. Not a fucking rainbow trout, not a sunny, not a, I don't know what else you can catch. Those are the things that you always say we're looking for, but nothing. Blistering hot. We're out on the lake and we got this guy, Captain Mike, who seems like a nice enough guy. It looks like he's been through some hard times. Like he's rugged. Skin is leathery. I asked him if he ever wore sunblock. He said no. He's a fishing guide all day, every day. Mustache. He's got a shirt on that says Punisher on the back. And I don't know what that means.

He's got a camouflage hat and a Punisher t-shirt. And he's telling me about his divorce and there's a restraining order against him that he keeps breaking. And I believe he's been in prison. And so I take a picture of us not catching fish. I post it. And then a bunch of people tell me

that Punisher is a white nationalist group, a hate group, that mass shooters have been known to have their symbol on their shirt. Big, big insurrectionist dudes. And it's just fucking weird to think that was our guide. Luckily, politics didn't come up, but we caught zero fish. He actually gave us some money back on the boat for the day.

And then we went, and then there was a lot of people like Captain Mike. We went to the 4th of July show in Big Bear, right on the lake. And we walk in and it was a lot of people dressed in flags and stars and stripes and various American eagles and such. And it didn't look like these people had reached in the back of the closet to get this stuff.

This was in rotation. This is their clothing and they're wearing it today like any other day. And I didn't realize Big Bear is kind of a pocket of very right-wing America, which is fine. It's the 4th of July. That's kind of who I want to be around. If it's, you know, Women's Day, I want to be with the Lib Tards. If it's Fourth of July, I want to be with people that look like...

It's not the Fourth of July as much as the Sixth of January. And if there was a Capitol building in Big Bear, we would have taken it over. That's the kind of crowd this was. These are the people that when the fireworks started, somebody had put together a playlist. Why am I yelling? I'm always yelling. Somebody put together a playlist

and it had all the classics. God bless America, America the Beautiful, Born in the USA, which is always funny to me because the lyrics are not really that pro-USA. It's kind of a condemnation of how America treated its own soldiers after the Vietnam War. But whatever, it's just got USA in it. Let's put it on the playlist.

Proud to Be an American played three times in a 30 minute fireworks show. And everybody was singing every word. And it was a great fireworks show, ooze and ahs, fun new rockets I hadn't seen before. And then the fireworks stopped and the music stopped. And then the music started and the music stopped. And then the music started again. What song?

We are the champions, my friend. Ladies and gentlemen, the British rock group Queen. Guess we're done with the US bands. I guess we kind of ran out. And now back to the great music of Queen. And it's always like all these songs, everything is about freedom and not being told what to do and how that's as an American, you're entitled to that.

Yeah, every American is as long as they fall into this, for these people, you're free to do what you want as long as it involves God being in charge. As long as it involves like the police being, not being criticized in any way. Like for people that don't like rules, they sure love religion and the police. They love to be told what to do by the cops, I guess.

I don't know. Or we're all supposed to do with the cops, respect the cops, except when you get your shirt off outside of a fucking biker bar and you're swinging a beer bottle at a cop, then you don't respect them. Or when you're charging the Capitol and you're killing them then you don't respect them. I don't get this whole America thing. I love the United States of America and I respect the Constitution and I love the philosophy behind true democracy but I don't see a lot of that playing out with the people that are wearing the flags so much. Anyway so then we go back to the cabin and I'm sitting there and I'm eating a bag of Doritos. We'd opened it earlier in the day and now I

was eating it and I got... fuck... and as I'm eating it I got ants all over my arms and my neck and I'm like sitting on the couch. I'm not near, you know, any food. I'm like, what the fuck? And then I realize after 10 minutes of eating Doritos, that the bag is filled with ants. And I have consumed dozens of little tiny ants. And the reason they're on my neck and arms is they were crawling across my face

and hands from the Dorito bag. So that was fun. I mean, that's the thing about cabins. There's fucking ants. If you leave one little piece of food, you will have a pile of ants. We saw... what else did we see? We didn't see a lot of good wildlife, to be perfectly honest. It was a busy weekend, probably the busiest weekend of the year up there. Went on this beautiful hike. Mike and Jennifer left with their son,

and then me and Aaron went up into the woods and did a massive hike, took some magic mushrooms, and just was digging nature, loving it. And then we walked down the hill to a movie festival that was going on. And the movie was Labyrinth, starring David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly.

And if you've seen Labyrinth, I don't have to explain it to you. It is, it's like somebody said, all right, we need some entertainment for people that are on Mushroom. So we need something so fantastical and odd that they will just lose themselves in the creature. John, Jim Henson did the puppets in the movie

and they're all ghouly, scary, crazy. Well, David Bowie's doing, I think he did all of the singing and he's dressed up in a big high-collared robe and his hair is spiked out about a foot in the air, full makeup and he's singing these insane songs. And it was pretty great. And Jennifer, here's the thing,

I didn't know it was Jennifer Connelly. I just knew that it was a teenage girl. And at the end of the movie, I go to Erin, I go, "'That girl was incredible. "'She was really striking and talented and she goes, this is Jennifer Connelly asshole. And I looked up she was 15 years old when she did this intense movie with David Bowie that was like a drug movie. It was crazy. She's done a lot. I didn't realize how much, you know, I Wikipedia'd her.

That's the fun thing about life, is when you stumble on anything now, you can research it and find out cool shit. So she won an Oscar, I didn't realize that, for a beautiful mind. Why was she with Ben Affleck? He's a weird dude. That takes a certain type of woman to be attracted,

to commit to a relationship with a dude who's that aggro and drunk and Boston-y. He's a asshole. What made you commit to that guy? Something's wrong with you. Well obviously she was a child star so so she's gotta be fucked up. Anyway, I just got interviewed for, oh, no, let me talk about this. Me and Owen, Owen has gotten very interested in art, in the art world, he's thinking about maybe going in that direction.

And so we went to a couple galleries the other day in Beverly Hills, there was a couple galleries the other day in Beverly Hills. There was a couple of openings and so we drove in and we were driving from one gallery to the other one. And this guy, I changed lanes and the guy in the lane I changed into was flying in this Mercedes sports car and he just came right up to my bumper,

rode my fucking bumper and then pulled around me and started cursing and pointing like a fuck. He was just, and he had a couple chicks in the car who were smiling and he was just being like a testosterone driven, look Middle Eastern kind of asshole. Way too young to have a car that expensive. Daddy was paying for it.

Anyway, so we drive up and we parked the car and we noticed that the Mercedes has now parked about four cars in front of us. I don't give a fuck. I'll walk past this guy, I don't give a fuck. I'll walk past this guy. I don't give a shit. I'll punch him in the fucking chin. I'll kick him in the teeth. You know, I'm so angry at this guy for yelling at me. I hate that shit. It makes my blood boil. And so we walk past this car and he's still in the car. Whatever. We walk to the gallery.

We see a nice show. I calm down. We're enjoying the art. We talk to the curator. We had a very interesting conversation about the art world and Owen got really turned on by it. It was great. And then we leave the gallery and we're walking back to the car and now we walk past the Mercedes. Only nobody's around.

It's a quiet street and there's nobody. And I have my keys in my hand and I'm looking at the car and I'm fantasizing about just scraping that ignition key from the front fender across the door to the back, to the quarter panel and just scrape up the whole fucking car. And Owen looks at me and he knows what I'm thinking. And he looks at the car

and I think he might've seen the keys in my hand and I just went no no not gonna do it and I didn't do it and it hurt me the old me would have done it and the thing about evolving as a human being is you never fully leave that other guy behind it was still a part of me that was mourning my lack of retribution, my writing of the universe, my correcting of a douchebag who needed a fucking lesson. And I feel like that agent needs to be present in the world and especially in Beverly fucking Hills. But I didn't do it. I was modeling good behavior for my son. So anyway, been following the hoctua woman. I'm following her Instagram account. She has

been hoisted up by social media. She signed with a management company and they are grooming this chick. I am so curious to see if she's got legs. Well, she's got legs. She wears those Daisy Dukes. She's got beautiful legs. She's cute as a button. And she's got a springboard. Let's see if it lasts. Let's see if she can catch some air. They are certainly doing all the right things. They started up an Instagram account and the TikTok and they've got photo shoots and they're getting her in concerts and it's fascinating. Let's see what America holds for Hawk to a Woman. If you like the show, do me a favor folks, go to Apple Podcasts and give me a rating and a comment is always nice.

If you're watching it on YouTube, leave a comment there. Always trying to grow the show. We got, here's something. I was looking at, I never look at reviews, and then once in a while I get weak. And I looked at my book on Amazon, which came out a long time ago, and I hadn't read comments. And this was one of, this is why you don't read comments.

Here's one I really enjoyed. This is from Pam who says, "'I didn't read this book. "'I'm just reviewing it so I can get it off "'my items to review list. "'My ex bought this for himself with my Amazon account. "'I hope the memory of all the things he took from me "'and all the bills he made me pay by myself keep him warm at night. So basically she gives me three out of five

stars to lower my rating because her boyfriend likes me and bought my book. Pam you suck. I think Karen is a lovely name. I know a lot, Karen Kilgariff, Karen Andrews. I know a lot of wonderful Karens. I know a lot of bitchy Pams. So Pam is my new Karen as of this review. Special's coming out in August. We may be pushing it a couple of weeks. It might be closer to late August now.

I'll be doing a Rogan show to announce it and promote it. And then I will also be in Denver at the Comedy Works, August 29th to the 31st, Austin, Texas at the Mothership, September 6th through the 8th, Alaska in September, and then San Francisco coming up after that. Go to FitzDog.com, get yourself some tickets,

support some live comedy. My guest today is wonderful! Here's a good-hearted, jolly, sweet, love-spreading person. He is from Chicago. Mom was a social worker. I think she kind of single-mombed him. And grew up, I think, mostly in Oregon. And I know him from doing At Midnight with him a lot.

We used to do Best Week Ever together a lot. And he's also been on Portlandia. He was on Eric Andre's show. We used to do Chelsea Lately all the time. Does voices on tons of animated shit. Puss in Boots, Adventure Time, Trolls. He was in Transparent, Man with a Plan, Undateable. He's got a couple kids. And I don't know what else to say about him. He's a sweetheart. And we had a really nice

talk last week. Please enjoy my chat with Ron Funches. Rested, you're just back from a little vacation. Not a vacation, it was a working trip. You went to Ireland, my home country. And any drinking stories from Ireland? No, I don't drink at all. Oh, you don't? Oh, you're a pot guy. I'm allergic to alcohol.

Oh. We've only known each other for so long. That's one of my main things. You didn't know that about me. Oh my God. Do you know my middle name? Well, yes, of course. Jay.

Ronald J. Funches. Always go with Jay. It's always always Jay. I'm just happy you didn't ask me if I knew your middle name. Cause I had to like, oh, I should back away from this real quick. If I gave you a thousand guesses,

you wouldn't guess my middle name. Really? Yeah. Is that unique? It's Sebastian. Oh, wow. Man, I would have guessed that three times on the third try. Third try?

Really? Yeah. I was going to start with Reginald. Reginald was my original guess. Yeah. Because you said it was different. Yeah. But then, yeah, Sebastian.

Sebastian's close to Reginald. It is. Same number of syllables. Yeah, I would have gotten there. Yeah, I had, I didn't have a middle name when I was born and then when you get confirmed, did you go through confirmation? You're not Catholic.

No, I know that about you. I went to Catholic school. You did. Did you go through confirmation? No, I don't recall that. I mean, I was baptized for sure. Well, confirmation is when you get to pick your name. No, I don't recall that. I mean, I was baptized for sure. Well, confirmation is when you get to pick your name.

Okay, I didn't do that. Which is fun. Literally, you go through the book of saints. So you picked your name? I picked Sebastian as my name because he was a martyr. He was tied to a tree. You might've seen the painting.

That sounds like the thing where I would want to pick it. They shot him full of arrows. They put 100 arrows in him and he did not renounce the Lord Jesus Christ. Okay, so you like, he's tough. where I would wanna pick it. They shot him full of arrows, they put a hundred arrows in and he did not renounce the Lord Jesus Christ. Okay, so you like he's tough. Yeah. And he's all you like, I wanna be Sebastian.

I wanna be Sebastian. Okay, I like that. Yeah. My middle name's Kyle. Oh, no kidding. Yeah. Kyle. Mm-hmm.

This is pretty- That's kinda Irish actually. Is it? Yeah. Oh, maybe I should've, yeah, I would've fit in more. Yeah, you should've dropped that at a couple of the smoke shops. Is pot legal in Ireland?

Not that I was aware of. I didn't look into it. I was just staying at this place called Powers Court, which I think is like 20, 30 minutes outside of Dublin. Okay. And is like a big castle. Apparently, they used to make tennis balls. They made the tennis balls that everybody used. Really? And so they have a huge estate.

Apparently the great-great-granddaughter still lives there on a wing of the actual castle. And then the rest of it they've turned into a hotel and then also apparently the third nicest garden in the world, which I don't know. How do you judge that? Well, I guess in Ireland it moves up because there's only sun nine days of the year. So I think the fact that it has any flowers moves it into the top three.

And did I have to ask, did they have a tennis court at the hotel? Yeah, they did. Okay. They did. Yeah. That's not your sport. No.

You're a wrestling guy. I like wrestling. I'm thinking about getting into golf. I like mini golf a lot. I go to the Sherman Oaks Castle Park. Do you really? Two to three times a month to play. No kidding.

Many go. Take the kids? No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You go to Disneyland, take the kids, no. Yeah. That's me time. It is, I usually go, I mean the best time to go is during school hours.

So the irresponsible for me to take home. You don't go alone. Sometimes. Yeah. That's so funny. It's why, why, why build this life that I have and why I don't occasionally go to mini golf alone in the middle of the day.

Yeah, but there's no, if you make a long putt, there's nobody to high five. No, that's true. I've gotten a few hole in ones that I wish people were there. Yeah, but if you make a long putt, there's nobody to high five. No, that's true. I've gotten a few hole in ones that I wish people were there. Yeah, yeah. It's also my number one, like my basic first date place.

I like it. I think it's a great first date place. Yeah, you can learn a lot about somebody when you miniature golf. Any kind of sport, you can see how they handle competition, if they're competitive, if they can lose gracefully, if they can win gracefully.

And actually with many golf, when there's so many kids running around and stuff, you see patience, how they handle loud noises and not being the center of attention. And also just in general, cause like I either do that or a pretty nice dinner. And then I had to learn that a lot of ladies would just go out with me to a nice dinner

or to get a nice dinner. And so I was like, oh, if you wouldn't go to mini golf with me, you're probably not my match for me anyway. If you're the type of person to be like, oh, actually, I don't wanna do that. Usually the day they tell me is like, oh hell yeah, I love mini golf

and I haven't been since I was a kid. And I go two or three times a month. Is it weird for them when you know, when you're like, oh okay, this is the third hole, this breaks a little bit right and then there's a dry patch. So you're like a professional tour caddy. Now that's true, there's not a lot of putt-putt golf fuckers. That's not something that the ladies go in for.

They go in for cocaine, fancy cars, big dinners. But putt-putt golf fuckers. That's not something that the ladies go in for. They go in for cocaine, fancy cars, big dinners. But putt-putt, you know, it's all you. Yeah, they're here to hang out with me. Or you just really love mini golf, or the fact that they got Papa Shot, and that I like about you. Yeah, right. Yeah, I'm looking for a fun, silly person.

Yeah, I think miniature golf is sort of like, they should have that for other sports. You know, golf's the only one where they have a tiny version of it that anybody can play. Yeah, no miniature bowling seems fun. Yeah. Just a little bit of a lane. Yeah, that would be fun.

Three pins. Miniature basketball, I think everybody would want. Would love that. So you can just dunk. Yes. Yeah, and you don't have to run all the way up and Would love that. So you can just dunk. Yes. Yeah, and you don't have to run all the way up and down the court. No, not at all.

Miniature football. Okay, I'm on board, just shorter field. Shorter field. Bigger ball. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I can't. I can't. I can't. Easier to catch. Yeah. Yeah, I'm into it, yeah. So then what was Amsterdam? As Amsterdam, you said you go there a lot. I do.

And obviously you like weed. You've got a podcast about weed. I mean, it's just my life. It just seems like a podcast about weed because I'm stoned while I do it. Yeah. Yeah. Right, right.

So as Amsterdam, what's, I've never been there. You've never been? No, I mean, I went when I was 18, but I was there for like two nights, and I didn't really smoke pot or anything. So is Amsterdam. I've never been there. You never been? No, I mean, I went when I was 18, but I was there for like two nights, and I didn't really smoke pot or do anything fun. I think that's one of the biggest misconceptions, that you'd only go there to smoke pot.

Also, if you like prostitutes. Right, in the windows, right? Yeah, you go for that, right? Right. That would be amazing to window shop for a prostitute. Yeah, it doesn't seem fun. I've gone six times to Amsterdam. I've never gotten an escort from Amsterdam

because it doesn't seem, when you, there's been times where I'm like, oh, it's legal, I'm single, I'll go check it out. And then you go and you see the look of the guys who are browsing and you're like, oh wait, no, I don't wanna be, no, I don't wanna hang out where these guys are hanging out. There's a lot of, it's what you usually find.

One thing I mean, what I truly love about Amsterdam is that I love a real international city. That's one thing that I like about LA. I like when you can learn from different people, you hear different languages all over the place. Yeah. I like the food there. It's amazing.

Their produce and their just general cheese and stuff is amazing. So I like eating there a lot. And then it's just fun to watching and get new stereotypes. And what you'll find is that like everybody hates the British people who are tourists over there cause they're just drunks jerks. Yeah into the girls Yeah, so I do while I was there

He just grabbed a lady by the arm started talking to her and he goes do you want to come with me? And I was like, I didn't even know you could I thought you stuck. I thought you couldn't do that since 1950 Grab a lady by the arm and go, you're coming with me now. She slaps you and then you forcibly kiss her. Yeah, now you're married, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's amazing, that was a solid move back in the 50s.

You know, or you hear about like, your grandpets are always like, well you know your grandfather, when I first met him, I had no interest in him at all, but he used to follow me home every day. And I would say, get away from me, please stop. But he kept day after day, and then he'd hang out outside the house,

and he'd call and he'd hang up. And now we're married. So yeah, the British, you're thinking about the British. You know, you're black. And black people, Latinos, Jewish, are sort of the most targets of racism in this country. And you think, in the world even, and then you think, what about the British? What about the Dutch? They literally destroyed whole cultures. They invented slavery.

They're the ones that like, you know, in India, the British basically starved like 10 million people while they took food out of their country. Yeah. And yet the British are like, let's have some tea. It's totally white. Now they celebrate and now because you go there, you know, I mean, whenever I've gone to London and stuff, I'm like, the food's terrible and no seasoning and then like, oh, we have great Indian food. I'm like, yeah, why? seasoning and then like oh we have great Indian food I'm like yeah yeah why yeah you too you're still taking their food yeah why do you why do I learn more

about Africa in your museum yeah all these beautiful Persian rugs. Yeah, because you took over the country and you took their ships. Yeah. Yeah, and as being Irish, I especially hate the British. But my friend's British, and he heard me say that on my podcast one time, and he came up to me, he goes, see, you hate the British?

And I was like, no, I like you, Alex. You're a good guy. But, you know, it's, because the stereotype of the British is that they're these upper crust tea drinking, you know, people that read a lot. And then you see the soccer fans that you saw in Amsterdam who were just awful people. Yeah, like Neanderthal.

Yeah, right, right. It's wild to see. But that's like, it's just the luck of getting positive stereotypes. You have the accent that they have and people automatically assume you have a few extra IQ points. Yes. Often not decay. I know. But you know, I try not to judge people by where they're from. Yeah, unless they are British And then we celebrate the Queen like the Queen died and over here it was like It was like Kennedy died all over again. It's like not me. I celebrate I Celebrate the Queen died you were enemy. Yes, we've got one. That's like, not me, I celebrate. I celebrate the queen died.

You were an enemy. Yes. We've got one, that's one. We smoking on that queen pack. Smoking on that queen pack. I don't even know what that means. I like that, I like that, you still like that. Well, it is great.

Is a trend started in the Chicago rap community that is translated over to other places, more prominently in Jacksonville and similar places, where if you have a person who is your enemy, is known as your op, and if your op passes away, then they say that they're smoking on, so if you were my opponent, my op, and you passed away, I would then go online

and say, we're smoking on that Fitzpat tonight. You're gonna... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There. He's smoking on that Gregpat tonight. You're gonna... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's smoking on that Greg all night. Send you to heaven. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. The reason I do this podcast is to learn new things and I definitely, I just picked up some vocabulary. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you just use it for death or can you also like, you can use it for... Somebody gets beat up in a street fight. Yeah. You say, well, you're gonna smoke Greg's... Yeah. Yeah. Do you just use it for death or can you also like, somebody gets beat up in a street fight, you say you're gonna smoke. Yeah. If they're just generally having a bad situation, you can be smoking on them, yeah. Yeah.

But they usually use it for death, so it's not fun. Right, right. I'm trying to think of whoever, who else I smoked their pack. Somebody just died, didn't OJ just die? OJ just died. A lot of people were smoking else I smoked their pack. Somebody just died. Didn't OJ just die? OJ just died. A lot of people were smoking on the OJ pack. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Although do you know that the, you know the BET gave him a fucking award? They put him in the in memoriam. Oh, for this year? For the BET award. Wow, yeah, that's wild. I mean, that's truly one of the like, last like racial divides, I think, that's truly one of the last racial divides

I think is OJ Simpson. There's this pure, I mean, if you're black and you grew up in that time, you remember when it was found not guilty. Like if you were at school, everybody was like, am I? Like, we did it! It's an interesting, they did a really good job

with the defense to shape it like that. But yeah, it's- Oh, the defense was, yeah, it was brilliant. It was wild. Yeah. Well, it just proved that, you know, eventually a black man can buy his freedom

the way a white man can. Yeah, yeah. And now, I mean, that's why we're recently we're celebrating LeBron James getting his son into the NBA despite the fact that he seems like he should not be in it. No, no. By any measure of concern. Yeah.

And so cool, I love that. Yeah, I love it. Yeah. I love it because here's the thing, sports or entertainment, and as a wrestling fan, I think that line is even more blurred, and I think that's why people love wrestling so much, is they don't pretend it's not entertainment. And then you get Caitlin Clark, and they don't

put her on the Olympic team. And you go, All right, you women have been complaining that you're not making as much money as you're not getting an outholder. Then when you said Listen, Brods. Ever since we stopped giving you lobotomies. You think you're so smart, you might want to give them a lobotomy. Think about how much easier life would be if they just slow down a little bit. Stop calling me on stuff. You know what? He looked at the positives. I don't want to think. But like, so, all right, so the people that have been complaining about the WNBA not trying,

and now you're going to take the biggest thing to happen to women's basketball ever. This is a woman who, when the WNBA had their finals in Vegas last year, they had an arena that held 3,000 people and they couldn't sell it out. Caitlin Clark. That sounds like both of us. 3,000, jeez, about 300. I know. On a late show Friday.

Who are you? Why are you complaining? I know. I wish I could get a Who are you? Why are you complaining? Ew. I wish I could get a WNBA crowd. Yeah, geez. Because nobody laughs harder than a group of lesbians. And so. Oh, these jovial people.

Oh my God. I get so self-conscious when there's lesbian in the front row because I just think, all right, no matter what I say, I'm on the wrong side of it. And I'm not... It's because I have a veneer of... It's misogynistic, but I'm kidding. And people get that because I'm married 25 years.

People get... I have a daughter. People get it when I make jokes, but lesbians don't get it. Or maybe I'm even projecting that. I shouldn't say that. I think I project it more than it's true. No, but I know what you mean. There's just certain times where you're like, oh wow. Like, you, I have to, I mean, it's been a weird shift

for me just feeling like, oh, like solidly in my 40s to be like, oh, like, you're looking at me in a different way than normally I would have expected. You know what I mean? I'm not just a goof child to you anymore. And so I have to understand the way I approach things a little bit. That's interesting.

Yeah. But yeah, I get that sometimes too. I mean, I just had this bit that I posted about how the most scariest thing you can find in this world is a sassy black teenage girl. Oh yeah, I saw that, I love that. Liked it and lovin' it, and a lot of black women were like, oh yeah, that was me when I was 12, that was me, you know, da da.

But then you get people going like, oh God forbid you tell a black woman to be confident. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Hey, hey. I just wanted her not to mock a stranger. She could have just let me go about my day. The power. What did her confidence have to do with it?

Hey, no, yeah, I think you talk about the power that they have. Yes, exactly. They have so much power. The power to destroy me and make me go shopping for clothes that afternoon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, my mom will still, my mom, yeah, my mom

won't even say that directly. She'll just be like, I mean, I gave her a box of cookies when I came back from Amsterdam, and I was like, these are for you. And then she's like, okay, don't be looking for them later. And I'm like, I need to lose some weight. Yeah, you're just, you're just tuned in to the nuances of what they say.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough because like, yeah, there's no irony. Like when we're young, it's irony, like you just get to benefit the deaf. But once a couple gray hairs come in, now you're an elder statesman. Now everything is taken very literally.

Yeah, but you're serious, you're serious. Yeah, it's so weird. It's one of the things that I enjoy doing, my more long-form podcast as opposed to jokes sometimes, because then you can just get these things. I actually love this shit, because I've gone from being like, no one pays any attention to me

to like now I do my getting better podcast about self-help and positivity, and I had Andy Richter come on, and we both, you know, going through divorces and stuff like that, and we're just talking about getting through it, and then one of the comments, I was like, oh wow, two famous, rich people

that are putting their lives back together. That's, ooh, that's boring, and I'm just like, oh, I'm just famous and rich to you. Like, I guess I'll take the positive out of that. It's like everybody's got struggles. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, because there's gonna be a million different lenses that you looked at through,

and I think that as a comedian, you strive to only look at a three-year-old lens and not worry about how people are gonna see it. Yeah. And I think a lot of people go, oh, you can't say anything in a room. Well, what can't you say? Well, I can't say that women are dumb. And it's like, who says?

Unless you're reading your comments, it's pretty rare that it spills over, especially at my level. I think you're at a higher level than I am in terms of visibility and what you say. I'm in a Pixar movie. You're in a Pixar movie. And you're also in one of my favorite TV shows of all time.

Not of all time, but of the last 10 years. Oh wow, you backed away. Yeah. I just felt like, because my kids give me shit. My kids give me shit for always speaking in hyperbole. I'll give it 11 years always speaking in hyperbole. I'll give it 11 years. Last 11 years.

OK. Lute. You like lute that much? You know I do. I fucking called you. Yeah, you did. Yeah. But I didn't know you would love it to where it's

one of your top 11 years. I think it is so great. I mean, Maya Rudolph, talk about hitting your stride. She was always up here, and then in the last five years, she just went up here. Every time she goes on SNL, she walks on that screen and hits a grand slam every time. It's crazy.

And then she gets this show where she gets to play a part of her that is so genuine and vulnerable that you haven't seen before. And you're great. You really are. You're really great in it. Thank you. I agree with you in all of that. And just the fact that I've been a big fan of Maya Rudolph

from well before I ever met her. And now to work with her and I tell her that's, and cause I like, I guess I speak in hyperbole too, but I was just like, look, I, this is how I feel. But I'm like, I go, I think this is what it was like to be like William Frawley or Vivian Vance watching Lucy. Yeah. Oh, I'm just like, Oh, I learned so much and you're so funny.

And she makes these big choices and, and also allows all of us to feel a part of it and pitch things to her. And then just never feels like you're like, I've worked for people who are much less accomplished and much less funny, who treated you like you were a peasant in their kingdom. She treats you like you, like, that were family. Yeah, that's right.

The best things I've ever been a part of is working with this and then she's just, she's so funny, so funny and I think it's a- That's so crowned. Yeah, yeah, and like one of the people I related to the most, which I didn't think I would because I just say things to her that most people go like, uh, to me, and she goes like, yeah.

Like just the other day, I was just, she was talking to me about something, and she's like, you excited about this? And I was like, no, I mean, somewhat, but I go, I just don't like working. And she was like, me too? She's like, I hate it. I have kids.

There's so many other. And she goes, that's why I work the way I do. That's why I try to make it fun, because if it's not fun, I don't even want to do it anymore. Right. And I was like, well, I'm not at that position to say that out loud. Yeah.

Like, yeah. I agree wholeheartedly. She's the best. Yeah. She's pretty great. And then the other guy on the show who I, I know from the golf course, who's the guy she has the affair with on the show? The guy who's on, he's on the staff.

Oh, Nat Faxon? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right there, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nat's funny too. Yeah, he's really good. He's been around. Full cruise route. Yeah, it's really good.

And is, you guys did two seasons? Yeah. Yeah, we're probably gonna. He's been around. I'm told Cruise is real. Yeah, it's really good. And you guys did two seasons? Yeah. Yeah, we're probably gonna do another one, I hope, I think so. I hope so, yeah. And then what else, your voice is on? Every day, you got your own recording studio yet in your own house?

No, I tried for a bit during the pandemic, but then you would always, I'd have to like adjust the gain. Yeah. And at a certain point I was like, I'd rather just drive to- Go to work. Yeah. Yeah.

And now since I moved to Studio City, I'm like, the main studio I use is four minutes from my house, even at like 9 a.m. It's perfect. Yeah. It's nice to leave your house and go to work. Yeah, I agree. Otherwise I'm very isolated. Yeah.

I don't, yeah, I like to stay inside. I don't go out much. So I need to go out to work to make sure I talk to people. Yeah. Yeah. I know. That's the best. I mean, I've written on a lot of TV shows as you have.

I know you wrote on Eric Andre, which to me, like, when I think of dream TV writing jobs, I think of South Park, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Eric Andre Show. Eric Andre Show is one of the best TV shows in the last 12 years. Oh, okay, this one, okay. So that's two, we got Lou Eric Andre Show.

Yeah. Yeah, no, Eric's the best. I wouldn't say I did much work on that show. I did more work on the Kroll show for the time that I worked there. But Eric, I just like learning a lot. I didn't go to college, you know? And so I felt like these jobs,

working with Nick, working with Eric, working with Maya, or like Eric, working with Maya, or like my version of going to college, where I sit back and I learn what it takes to like really run a show. And the show and the difference between, you know, you go again, I worked on some shows where people hire you,

but then they don't take your mind. They don't, like, they're just like, you know, okay, no, you do what we want you to do. And then someone like Eric, he would have this writing room that had just the best of the best comedians that were working, and he would just have you, if you could come in for a week,

came in for a week, if you come in for a month, you came for a month, and he just wanted ideas. He just wanted to make the best, he didn't want to get filtered through his chaotic lens, but he wanted other people's viewpoints. And like the things that I would pitch, like I was way opposite of him. I would pitch these just like silly things

or like non-violent sensitive things or some rap based things of rappers that I liked that he did end up using. And so I always appreciate it. And just again, it taught me that you can learn and get pieces from everyone even if you don't, if their sensibilities don't match up. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think that's great. That is interesting when you run a show. I've been on shows where it is, yeah, it's like, let's all throw a bunch of ideas in the middle and

then let's see what takes. And then you have shows like Letterman, apparently, by the end, everybody sat in their office and never met face to face with Letterman. Everything just got sent by email. And then you sat in your office and you waited and then you got another assignment. And there was no juices flowing. You're not bouncing anything off each other,

and then you end up getting a show that by the end got very cookie cutter. You got like, here's the same segment, but I wanna read some of the voiceover plays, shows that you've done. Okay. Trolls. Yes, I did do that.

Isn't there a part two of Trolls? There's three, there's been three of them. Did you do all three? I did do it. Get outta here. I did anything T Isn't there a part two of Trolls? There's three, there's been three of them. Did you do all three? I did do it. Get outta here! Did anything Troll related. Yeah. I did the movies, I did the cartoons,

I did the video game, I did the ice capades. I was, especially when I got that part, I didn't have much going on, so I was like, we're not letting you find a sound alike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just give me, that's it. Wow not letting you find a sound of like Just give me Well, I'll see made a lot of money off of those yeah More than rector made on his show

It's how you guys do off the earth is just compare how much money you know I never compare though never compare. I mean, that's not true. One time I did, but it was when I had no money, and the guy was crushing me hardcore. Yeah. Do you have a retirement account? Yeah, of course. You got it funded pretty well? It's funded pretty well.

It's gonna take a hit in this divorce, but I just did it funded. Right. What about life insurance? Yes, yes, sir. How big is your policy? Oh, a couple mil. Mil?

Yeah. Think three? Yeah, that's a pretty sweet deal. Yeah. But again, I'm going through a divorce so I'm determined not to die. You don't want her to win. You don't want her to smoke you cigarettes. Yeah, not smoking on that flunch pack.

No. You're smoking on your cigarettes. Yeah, not smoking on that flunch pack, no. I already forgot the phrase, smoke your cigarettes, smoke your pack. That was like No Country For All Men where a guy says, I'm gonna drink your milkshake. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Smoking on the pack sounds less sexual. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, drink your milkshake with eye contact

is a little intense. Yeah. Yeah. It makes it seem like you're going to swallow semen. Vanilla. I always pictured a vanilla milkshake when he said that. Oh, it's definitely vanilla. A little dribble on the chimney's done.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. That's funny, in the takes that they got wrong I'm gonna drink your milkshake. No, that's not what we're going for. That's how it read to me. Try not to lick your lipstick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Keep your eyes above his belt. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of that's, a lot of that tough guy stuff

does sound gay, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no a lot of it is. Proud Boys, that sounds super gay. Yeah. Or like, what was the is. Proud Boys, that sounds super gay. Yeah. Or like, what was the one where the guy goes, I'm gonna take the outside of my right foot

and I'm gonna bring it across the, I don't know. It was a famous, anybody recognize that quote? Yeah, what is it? It was from one of the action movies, not Charles Bronson. Anyway, it was very intimate, what he was gonna do to him.

What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what it was. Billy Jack. And then he did it. He goes, I'm gonna take the outside of my friend. He goes, psh. No, okay, he just totally called the shot. Yeah.

Hey, bro. So, wrestling, what's going on in the wrestling world these days? What's going on? It's kind of a lull right now. I mean, the main thing. Are there seasons? I mean, it goes all year round,

but there's times where it ramps up. Yeah. With this WrestleMania season, which is like basically from January through April is when it really ramps up and then it kind of goes back into a little lull and then it kind of pumps back up around August for SummerSlam, which is coming pretty soon.

SummerSlam. And who are the big names in wrestling these days? I mean, right now Cody Rhodes is probably the biggest, son of Dusty Rhodes. Oh, okay. Yep, yep. Yeah, I got you. I knew Rhodes sounded familiar and it was like, oh yeah, right.

Yeah, Cody Rhodes is the best. He basically is an old school 80s hero who dresses like Homelander from The Boys. And he just is like a classic, almost, like anti-xenophobia, but like just a real 80s, old school wrestler guy. And so he's like the number one guy, and then he's fighting against the bloodline, which is Roman Reigns and his family.

They have a whole family that has gone through generations. His dad was like Sika, I believe, and Afa, who were the wild Samoans. There was Rikishi, there was Yokuzuna. Oh, there's Samoan. Yeah, there's Samoan. I know that they made it seem Yokuzuna was Japanese, but he was Samoan, his name was Rodney. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. Is the Rock Samoan? Yeah, Rock's part Samoan. He's part of the bloodline too. Oh, he is? Yeah, he's part of the bloodline too. Oh, he is? Yeah, he's in the family. He also is now the board of directors of the WWE.

Oh, that's amazing. Talk about a guy who does like to work. Yeah, he works a lot. He wants to work. Some would say too much. I think there's a wisdom to not working too much, you know? That's what I'm trying to find, good work-life balance. You work so much that you don't have any fun

that I just get depressed. Right, right. I'm like, why am I even doing that? Yeah, the tough thing is though, is if you're not working all the time, you don't get offered a lot more work. It's like you have to be in the mix all the time. Oh, I've been really focusing on a mantra,

less work, more money, where I try to just be more selective and believe and have faith that big deals will come. So then I turn down the smaller things that are not fun. Unless they're fun, then I will do whatever. And word gets out that you turn down stuff, right? Isn't it good for your career to take stuff down? Yeah, I know.

One time they told me, the reputation I have was that I'm good and easy to work with. I bring a positive to a project and that you can't underpay me. I love that. That's great. Yeah. Do you take the summer off?

Normally and again, normally, but. I got divorced before. Right. So not this year, no. I'm working myself to the bone this year. Yeah. Now, are you, the woman you're divorcing, I don't know if you want it, do you-

Sure, I don't care. Is this the one, so she's the mother of both your children? No, just my youngest. Just your youngest? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Now, how long did the marriage last?

Two years. How long did you date before you got married? Two years before we dated. Okay. So like a four year relationship total, yeah. What was the first date, putt-putt? Uh, no, I think it was a hike. Oh, all right, so another free one.

She wasn't coming in for the money. No, well, yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't say that. She played the long game. She played the long game. Yeah, yeah, revealed herself later. Yeah. She played the long game. She played the long game. She revealed herself later.

She's smoking the fudge pack. Yeah, she's trying. Well, either way, you got a beautiful kid out of it. Oh yeah, that was the last little trip. I've just been kind of going through, you know, grief of this whole thing and just a whole, but then learning a lot about things. I won't say, how do I say this legally without getting sued? I feel like I've had to learn how to overcome,

have you ever heard like narcissistic relationships? The things of that nature? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I spent the last little bit learning about recovering from those things. And so just, which I didn't know, man, you read the comments about these videos and everybody's just like, they've been through a fricking war.

Like, and that's just kinda how it felt for me, was just that like, I was like, oh. And then I was like, I don't even know who this person is. And now it's just like, oh, I think I know who they are and I don't like them. And so that's where we're at. Yeah, I mean, what's tough with narcissism is that usually when you have a disagreement

or you're not seeing eye to eye on things, there's some elements of understanding the other person. But with narcissism, it is completely absorbed by just my point of view. And that can be very frustrating. Yeah, yeah, you can't argue with someone if they don't share the same reality that you have. Yeah, right, right, right.

And so that's what I learned is that the reality of my partner shifted to whatever their perspective needed to be. Right, right, yeah. All right, I don't wanna get you in trouble, so let's pivot from that. Because I love you and I would never want you to get into trouble.

Thank you. So let's talk about, you know. I'm too honest. Yeah, I know you are. I feel like, God, I could go for a great podcast right now. I could make some headlines. I could smoke his pack. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But I would... So what's going on with your special? You sent me a version of your special a while back that I loved. Is that still being edited together? Still working on it. Mostly just the business part of it.

Yeah. I actually make decent money from it. Right. So there's been fights and nibbles about people who would actually pay me well for it. Just trying to wait that out, but apparently that's gonna require me to wait a little longer.

Yeah. Which is fine if it gets to the point that I'll just tape it and release it, but I try to be patient and I think, it's been one of the first times where, cause I'm like, oh, I love it and I wanna put these things out. And now as time is progressing

and I've gotten notes and stuff from orders, just like, oh, these things sound older and I need to cut them and I hate it cause I love some of them. But I think overall it's just making it stronger. And I think my mindset and my general vibe was a lot less positive and joyful than where I currently am.

I mean, literally like a week ago. So I think the more I wait, the more I feel like, oh, I'm gonna be in this really positive place to actually record it and put something out that I'm proud of. Just looking back and being like, oh, that was my divorce hour. I'm angry.

And yeah. Yeah. Oh, so this divorce is brand new. Oh. I mean, it is. It's been like, it's just, okay. So we were married for two years. And then as of October, we'll be getting divorced for two years. it's just, okay, so we were married for two years and then as of October,

we'll be getting divorced for two years. God, oh, okay. Yeah. Jesus. Yeah, I had a friend just call me and tell me he spent $800,000 in legal fees to get divorced. Oh, I'm not there yet, but I'm getting close. No prenup?

No, I was a believer in love. So, and I'm not a dummy. So I will answer this question fully. Did I want to get prenup? Oh, absolutely. I'm not a dummy. Yeah. And then the pandemic happened.

And so she wasn't from this country. And so she was like, well, we need to get married or I have to go back. I'll sign a post-nup. And so we get the lawyer, get everything for the post-nup after we get married. All of a sudden, someone was not interested and signed a post-nup.

I'm so sorry. A post-nup. That goes against the whole idea. I read it. It was a real thing. That's like going, all right, I'll place a bet on the game idea. I read it. It was a real thing. That's like going, all right, I'll place a bet on the game after the game is over. Yeah, no, I get that now.

Yeah, but again, the pandemic, my mind was people were doing things. Yep, yep. I don't think she would. I wasn't like, oh, this lady is a liar. She was trying to Take my money. I will. Well, you live and you learn.

Yeah, you live and you learn. And you love. But I like that you're gonna bring a new energy to the hour. I didn't think the hour was super negative. I thought it was edgy. I felt like it was an edgy hour for you in some ways, having seen your other stuff. But, yeah, I think the ultimate, you know,

character of you is silly, silly positive. Yeah, oh no, I'm not gonna lose, I think I'm gonna keep most of that edgy stuff. Yeah, sure, oh good. Yeah, I'm not good in that stuff, I like it. I think that if anything, that's been the real positive of these last couple years of going through this is that at first I felt, A, betrayed,

and just didn't know if I could trust my own instincts, which made me difficult for me to do comedy. And then the more I'd gone through it, the more I was just dragging myself to stuff, dragging myself to Jiu Jitsu, and all these other things that slowly instilled more confidence in myself. And then now I really reached this place where I feel like I can be my authentic self,

where I don't have to just always present positive, always present the good side of things. I can, if something sucks and I don't enjoy it, I can say it and I can, or if I write a joke that's kind of weird or creepy or, you know, edgy, that if that comes from my brain and that's my authentic voice, then I need to say it.

That's great. And yeah, so I feel like it's opened up a bigger door for me comedically. And I think that's great for your fans because if you just keep giving them the same thing over and over again, they're gonna, you know, they'll still be there for you, but they're not going to be excited. Yeah. But when you open up another side, especially an edgier side, I think that that's always

interesting for them. It sounds like you've gone to a little therapy lately. Oh, yeah. I mean, I've been in therapy for a long, for years, for four or five years. But yeah, it's definitely been helpful through this. I think anyone going through a life change, something that you have to grieve, I'm sorry, I just realized I've been rubbing this candy.

Well, Paul, the executive producer of the show has this idea of having lozenges on the table in case somebody needs it. No, no, no, I brought this in. I brought this in. Oh, you put that in. Yeah, I didn't even blame him, but I was just like, no, no, I brought this in. I brought this in. Oh, you put that in there. Yeah, I didn't even blame him, but I was just like,

I'm probably doing the worst possible thing right now. I was going to say something, but you were being... Because we had, Kekner came in last week, and he put the lozenge in, and all of a sudden, it was like crunch, crunch, crackle. But you were being so vulnerable. I didn't want to, you know, make a lot of noise. That rapper. Getting into my mind.

Yeah. Yeah, but therapy, the jiu-jitsu, just having someplace to put your anger, I had a really good roadmap of when I knew, my second divorce also. So I remember some of the mistakes I made in my first divorce and it was not wanting to make them on my second divorce also. So I remember some of the mistakes I made in my first divorce and it was not wanting

to make them on my second one. So I was like, make sure you keep in touch with my therapist, keep in touch with my family and also be more open with them about what was going on. I think when my first divorce, I hit a lot of the negative stuff going on. And in this one, I've been much more like, hey, this is what's happening,

this is how things are going on. And it's just been, I mean, it's been a real mindfuck for me overall, because I've lost friends because of it, I've lost things, there's been like a, it's just been an overall just weird traumatic event, because it just went from me

being like, oh man, my life's doing good, I got a good career, I'm buying this new place, got my wife, I was gonna have a baby and now I'm having a baby and not when I'm 20 and I can focus on the fact that I can take care of this kid and so now I can relax and just watch him grow up and I can go work, come home every day and he'll be there and stuff.

And then suddenly be like, oh no, this sucks, dick. Like this is horrible. And well before he was even there, I realized that this wasn't gonna be sustainable and to have to be like, look at my little son in his crib and be like, man, my little son in his crib and be like, man, like, if he was grown up and in a relationship like this,

I wouldn't tell him to stay in this. Right. And so I can't be in this and just eat that. Just the death of something, you know, of an ideal that you wanted, of a life that I- Yeah, it sounds like you had an idea of a secure home life. Yeah. And I mean, that is really, that's a big part of life.

Counting on that, having those pieces in place and coming home to something that feels like it's a foundation. And then to have that taken away from you, I can't imagine. That's pretty heavy. Yeah, no, it's been pretty heavy. And then just trying to do that while maintaining it and maintaining my, like you said,

not having to preen up and stuff and having my older son who has autism and being like, oh man, I spent my whole career trying to protect him and build a place for him. And now I'm in this position where someone's trying to jeopardize that. And so it makes it just, you know, for a long time stressful, luckily Pixar.

Yeah, thank you Pixar. Oh my God. Simply spiked lemonade. The Justice League video killing, just the Suicide Squad video game. Everybody hated that game, not me. Yeah. I love that game.

God bless that game. I would say it's the 13th best video game I've ever seen. Wade, so let me ask you this. How did you find your therapist? Because I have a lot of listeners that deal with depression. That seems to me. Yeah, you'll hear. That's the shit that I do. I don't know why, but I get tons of emails from people and they mean a lot to me because I talk openly about depression and it connects to people because

I'm somebody that obviously has found some tools that help me keep moving forward and working and having a family and all that stuff. So, but the first step is a really hard one. Like how did you actually find a therapist and was it the first one you met with or did you sort of like try a couple? I tried a couple.

Mostly just to ask in friends who they had, you know. Which is weird, because now you're telling your inner secrets to somebody who... Talks to my friends. Yeah. Yeah. But it's been fine. For me, it was helpful because it's also meant that they saw other comedians and saw people who had different work schedules and different projects and pressures pressures, auditioning, and things like that.

So for me, that actually was helpful. I think the first person I saw didn't really work with entertainers that often, and so they didn't have that perspective. Yeah, I've had therapists that are fascinated by my life and ask me a lot of questions about what, and they've got that glow in their eyes, like, wow, this is real, I don't want the glow.

You don't like that, anything. No, whenever, I mean, again, when I go on dates, or I talk to people, and they ask me about, like, my ex or my divorce or anything, and if I bring up anything, and they, you can tell the difference between someone who is empathetic, and is like, oh, I'm sorry you're going through that,

and then someone who uses your pain for their entertainment. And if someone that leans in is like, what? I kind of- Like, pouring to them. Yeah, shut it down. Right, right. Life's good, we're good.

Yeah, right. We're good, don't worry about it. Yeah. So, and then you go in person once a week? I go once a month because I'm doing well. Yeah, once a month, you see? Once a month. You know, I go in waves, I'll go for three months, and then I'll take six months or a

year off, and then I like to have a project. I like to have a goal. Like I was doing a new special and I was feeling a lot of anxiety about it. I was shutting down. And so I went for three months and I said, all right, I'm taping this in three months. I want you to help me get ready for it mentally, spiritually. And then I celebrated with my therapist and my therapist is in my thank yous at the end of the special. I think it's, or if you need to go once a month, because that's what works for you, that's great. There's

no one way to do it. No, I like once a month because it allows me to keep on top of things before they get to a place where I'm like, oh, I need to talk to my daughter. It's nice sometimes to like call to her and be like, I feel great. And then she'll find something inevitably where I'm like, oh, I need to work on that a little bit. Yeah. But before I let it, you know,

a lot of it's about my rest, about me delegating, about me being okay with having better finances. Like a lot of that is new for me. Or, and I still like to be an active father. And, you know, and it's hard for me to go out Thursday, Friday, Saturday and do shows for my home Sunday. And then I have my son Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. And so I try to be there and I have to let myself be okay

with letting my nanny put them to bed so I could go to bed. Right, right. Cause I will beat myself up about that. Or like I noticed I reached out to you to do this then you had your assistant step in and set everything up, that's smart. Yeah, oh yeah.

And I used to, again, I would feel a little ashamed about that cause I don't, cause you're my friend and you don't like to be like, tell my friend to talk to my assistant, but I know me. No, I get that. I get that. Look, a lot of us deal with ADHD and all kinds of organizational issues.

And if you have an assistant who's got your schedule and you can count on, I mean, I think people respect that. Oh yeah, yeah. And if I don't, then I double book things. Yeah. You know, because I don't pay attention, I'll just say yes and then not notice that there's two other things on my schedule for the day.

Yeah. So, I always, and that's her job, it's her job. You know, I gotta let her do her job. Right. So, yeah, just getting better about that, my whole last few years is about just trying to be more efficient, balance my work and life balance

so that I can sleep and not just burn myself out. I don't wanna, like I wanna die still working in comedy. I don't wanna burn out and end up, you see it all the time, you know, it's a hard business. You see there's so many friends that I think were better comedians than I have ever was or smarter, real funnier jokes,

and they get burnt out and they can't handle it here because they're sensitive and they're, and I'm like, and I am, so I have to learn to be like, oh, I can go hard for this amount of time, but I need to then go to Amsterdam or go to Mexico, watch some wrestling in Japan. Like, I have to do that or I will freak out and be like, fuck this whole job, I don't wanna do this.

Yeah, and it's easy also when you're putting that much pressure on yourself to have that time off and just veg and just watch TV and at the end of it, you go like, you know what, I could have gone to the zoo. I could have gone miniature golfing or taken a trip. Yeah, and it's that stuff. Muhammad Ali Museum in Louisville. I could have gone to the zoo. I could have gone miniature golfing or taken a trip. Yeah. And it's that stuff. I went to Muhammad Ali Museum in Louisville.

Oh, yeah. All right. Yeah. I think I did that. Yeah. I did do that a long time. They also have the Bat Museum. From long ago, when I started comedy in Portland,

because I had my son at that point. My son was two when I started, so I always was about making some money. So I would do these bar gigs and do these road gigs with this guy named Joe Fontenot who passed away years ago. And he was just one of those like real road demons. Like just booking these crappy gigs,

no one was happy by the end of them, nobody made any money, lie about the money you were getting, and just a real pirate of a cock, yeah. And I learned that that's one avenue of this job, and then I would work with, I don't know if you know, Dwight Slade, yeah, so I worked with Dwight, he was one of the first people who let me open for them,

and he taught me another way of comedy, where you go to a museum, you go to this, you go buy some vinyl records, you know? And then you enjoy your life while you're doing comedy. And comedy is the fun part of it. And you don't need to go chasing girls and drinking and doing drugs all the time. That the act of comedy could be the fun part of the job.

Yeah, and then the focus stays on that. I mean, I've seen comedians who, you know, comedians, and I think we're both thinking the same one, who put so much energy into chasing women that they just, the comedy becomes garbage. Anyway, let's get you out of here because I appreciate you taking the time for somebody that only does things he wants to do

I really wanted to be here. I like you. I thought it was in Valley Village according to my notes, but oh Really? Yeah, that's what the mistake was that I looked at my my schedule and it said Breakfast in this, Valley Village. So I was like, all right, I don't need to leave till 1040. I'm on my treadmill, just walking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I read your actual address. And I was like, oh, that's 45 minutes from me.

Is it that far? 40. Oh, Jesus. I'm gonna get you a gift bag on the way out. We do a thing called Fastballs with Fitz. I'm gonna ask you some quick questions. That also sounds gay. This one's called, I'm gonna smoke your pack.

Have you ever borrowed a lot of money or lent a lot of money? How much is a lot? Enough where it hurt to ask or it hurt to give it away. No, no one either. I've never borrowed enough to where it hurt to ask, and I've never lent enough to where it hurt. I have stolen.

Um... Um... Was it stealing with the intent to give it back someday? No, not at the time. At the time, it was just stealing. It was check fraud to be exact. No. Yeah, yeah.

I lived with this roommate. It was like the beginning of my comedy career. I was not doing great in my life. Because in Chicago? I was doing good for in Oregon. I was living on the Oregon coast. And just not living in my personal power. I had my son. I was living with this Oregon coast and, um, that's not living in my personal power. I had my son,

I was living with his roommate who wanted to grow weed and this, um, thing and I'm sitting there with my son and my first wife. So it's like, these are really bad decisions. Um, and then eventually he would just take off for like weeks at a time and we would never know when he was coming back, but he, but he was supposed to pay half of the rent, but he left a bunch of checks out. So I would take a check, fill it out for his half of the rent and have him pay his half of the rent.

Well, that's not stealing. It's kind of stealing. I think that's holding someone accountable. Well, it's holding them accountable. Maybe also I did a little bit more sometimes. Nah! It's a service fee. However, one of the first things I did Nah. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. or take money from anyone. I have given money to people who said they were gonna pay back,

but you kinda know. You give it away. Yeah, you're like, this isn't coming back. Right, right, right. What about, what have you turned down recently? I mean, nothing big, I would say. I think the last big thing I turned down was, um, a Fox show called Call Me Cat, which was with Mayim Bialik, who I really enjoyed.

He's a great person, but the role was very similar to everything that I had done before. But it was in the middle of the pandemic, so I didn't know if I'd have any type of work. So part of me wanted to take it because it was picked up to series. So I was like, you know, I was like, oh, I'm turning down hundreds of thousands of dollars. You know? But I talked to my therapist and I talked to my tarot reader, Danny Sage,

and both of them were like, this isn't gonna be a good move for you. You're not gonna like this. And so I turned it down, was real upset about it, thought I hurt my family during the pandemic, and then a few months later got an email about being on loop.

And so it turned out, certainly for that. I love it. Yeah. Here's a lesson for you people. Have you ever not finished a set on stage? Ever have to leave the stage or be forced off the stage? No, no, I finished them all. I finished them all.

I overslept and missed the beginning of a set once. And that was, yeah, so that was embarrassing. But I made it and did the set. If I've made it, you know, obviously, like comedy store sets or 15s where I've had to cancel or whatever. Now I'm talking about being on stage and then leave. And not doing your time.

No, I've always done my time. The worst it's ever been was though I did a show in Osaka, Japan when I was on vacation and I didn't know, I just told them I was gonna come by and watch, and then in the meantime they put a poster together, and was like, so I thought it was an open mic, and so I was like, all right, I'm gonna take these edibles,

and I'll go up second, and then I'll watch the rest of the show, and then they were like, no, you're the closer. And I was like, oh well, I haven't done comedy in two weeks. I'm on vacation and I just took 60 milligrams. So yeah, this isn't gonna, it did not go well. It went horrible. I could improvise about my time in Japan

for about five minutes and then as soon as I tried to remember any joke, I couldn't, not a single, not in the 17 years I've been doing comedy, because I remember a single set up in Punchline, and I just was reading, and then I was there with my, she was my fiance at the time, and so I was asking her for some jokes,

and she was like, don't even look at me. Don't even look. She was so embarrassed. And then afterwards, she was so mad that I bombed, and it always sat bad with me. I was like, wait, my comedy is how we got here. Where are you? Yeah, right. I used to bomb in Salem, Oregon, now I'm in an open mic in Osaka, Japan.

Your attitude's really backwards about this. We should not be together, but first let's get married and have a kid. It's not a post-nup. Oh, God. I'm not the smartest, but I'm not the dumbest. That should be the name of your next special, post-nup. Finally, before we go, I'll ask you,

what is the hackiest bit you've ever done? Oh, I used to do a bit where I rapped for a while. I did a game show bit for a bit. Just, you know, those classic ones where you like just use melody and music to get people to applaud at the end. Yeah. As opposed to have anything funny. My first bit I ever did was a five minute bit about man boobs, in which I talked about how they said

one of the home remedies that people did with man boobs was to cut the crotch and panty holes and wear them like a, this was before Spanx, so it was like a Spanx with panty holes. And then at the end of it, I would take off my shirt and show that I was wearing that. No! Yeah, that was probably, but that was like my first,

that was literally my first time on stage. Do you have video of that? No, when I recorded the first time on stage, I was at least marred to be like, I'm not gonna be good for a few years. Let's not record any of this. So you took pantyhose and you pulled it over your head. Mm-hmm.

Oh. No, I mean, I did that the night before, before I got there, yeah. So your head was coming out of the vagina. Yeah, yeah. It's a fun visual. People liked it. Yeah, I got a good laugh.

Yeah. Well, that's the thing about these bits is you remember them because they killed. You know, your hackiest bits are off in your biggest lap. Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, and you gotta learn to turn away from them. Right, it's like turning down that sitcom, the better one, right?

All right, Ron Funches is gonna be coming to you. He's gonna be in St. Louis, July 25th and 26th at Helium, July 27th to 28th also at Helium, but this time in Indianapolis. Yeah, a full four day split within two towns, you could tell that's a divorce-based game. Oh, I saw that.

Yeah, the merch for that is just a check to a lawyer. By the way, Indianapolis, one of my favorite blues clubs in the country is called the Kingston Mines. It's right near, no, the Slippery Noodle. It's right near the club in Indianapolis. It's like blues club? Yeah, it is.

Staff goes over there. That's why I like it now that I'm a 41 year old black man because I like to go to rap shows and I'm the oldest. Now I started going to blues and jazz shows and I'm the youngest and they say things to me like, that kid smells like reefer. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. As opposed to, this guy doesn't smell like reefer. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't suppose we'd go smokin' that old man's back. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Dania Beach, Florida. Sure, is that how you pronounce that? I don't know, Dania? I've been saying Dania. Dania? But I don't know what's right. I truly don't. Stay out of the water. There's a lot of sharks down there right now. Palm Springs in August on the 24th. This should be nice and cool. Agua Caliente Casino. He's got that word hot right in the title.

It's gonna be hot. Come out in there so there's not just people gambling, please. Come see me in Palm Springs. Come see me in Palm Springs. Come see me in Palm Springs. Come see me in Palm Springs. Come see me in Palm Springs. Come see me in Palm Springs.

Come see me in Palm Springs. Come see me in Palm Springs. Come see me in Palm Springs. Come see me in Palm Springs. Come see me in Palm Springs. Come see me in Palm Springs. Come see me in Palm Springs. Come see me in Palm Springs. Come see me in Palm got that word hot right in the title. Oh, it's gonna be hot. Come out in there so there's not just people gambling,

please come see me in Palm Springs. September 26th to 28th, back home in Portland, Oregon at the Helium. Helium loves you. October in Seattle, also Kansas City. Go to RonFunches.com and get your tickets. And also you can get his cool merch. You've got some of the nicest t-shirts in the business.

Thank you. Yeah, I love them. And I love you, thank you for being here. I love you, Greg. Right, it was a pleasure. Thank you for having me. Thanks for being so vulnerable. Oh, of course.

I'm in a good position right now. I'm glad. I feel happy to be me and for people to learn from my mistakes. That's great. Yeah. All right. God bless America.

Truly happy 4th of July. Yeah. When is this gonna come out? In August? No, on Tuesday. Okay, hope you had a good four. Wait, tomorrow? Yeah, yeah, tomorrow.

It'll come out on July 2nd. Wait, no, today's the second now. Then the third. No, is it? Yeah, today's Tuesday. Okay, yeah, tomorrow. It'll come out on July 2nd. Wait, no, today's the 2nd now. Then the 3rd. No, is it? Yeah, today's Tuesday. Okay, yeah, it comes out tomorrow on the 3rd. Okay. Happy Fourth!

Hahaha! Smooth. Hahaha! Happy Fourth! Happy Fourth!