Fitzdog Radio - Ryan Hamilton on Seinfeld, the Oscars and Surviving a Bus Crash | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: August 20, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Ryan Hamilton talks about growing up in a tiny Idaho town, opening for Jerry Seinfeld, and turning a devastating collision with an airport shuttle bus into his new Netflix special, This Just Hit Me. He also recalls writing for the Oscars during the infamous Will Smith slap and debates the true meaning of irony with Greg. Support the show and reach your financial goals at https://rocketmoney.com/fitzdog This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. My name is Greg Fitzsimmons, Venice Beach, California. Originally born in the Bronx, moved out of the Bronx when we made some money when I was about seven. And grew up in Tarrytown, New York, beautiful town, factory town, GM plant. A lot of my friends growing up, their fathers worked in the factory. And I lived on top of the hill up by the girls college, where I loitered. as a young teenager. And there was a lot of Puerto Rican girls from Queens

that were devout Catholics, and we tried to change them. We tried to bring them around to the dark side, and we did sometimes. About 16 years old with a bottle of Boone's Farm, strawberry wine, and acne. I don't know how we pulled it off. It was an all-girls school.

They were desperate. We were all they had. Anyway, now I'm, uh, what's going on? Yesterday, oh my God, Jared Freed, who was great, was my guest yesterday. And I was out to lunch with my nephew and daughter and wife. And then I got a text. We're here at the studio. And I fucking forgot.

I had a 2.30 interview. My studio is 20 minutes away. And I had to go home first to get my computer. And I got there 50 minutes late. not 15, 50 minutes late. And thank God my producers were cool about it. Jared was a great interview. And we kept it clean.

Somewhat clean. He's kind of a respectful guy. My guest today is a very respect. He's a clean kid out of Idaho who doesn't curse in his act. We kept it. I was worried. Sometimes I get these clean comics, and it's a snore fest.

But Ryan is a really funny, smart, interesting guy. I think you're going to love the interview. And what's going on around here? We had a little bed bug scare, as you see me scratching my shoulder. About two weeks ago, I got home off the road, and I had a series of bites, like three in a row, three in a row,

and kind of red and scratchy, which I looked up on chat GPT, and everything I was. looked up bedbugs bed bugs so i'm like fuck so we stripped the sheets took all our clothes put everything you don't have to wash you just put it in the dryer for 40 minutes um all my hands and knees looking um anyway we call this guy and he shows up here's how they check for bedbugs they bring a dog to your house and he sniffs around and they can't can smell the blood in the in the fucking bedbugs they smell out the blood because these things hide in

corners of your bed frame and anyway we're clear no bedbugs but what a creepy feeling and you can't sleep because we had to sleep it was two days until the dog could come so we're sleeping in the bed for two days like thinking we're covered in bugs oh and if you get them your house is infested You got to tent it. It can take a year to get rid of them. Get rid of your mattress, everything. So, anyway, I'm just back. I was in New York for a few days.

I think I talked about it last week. I was there for a memorial. My suitcase got lost by Delta. They did finally get it to me, but a little late for the funeral. And then I spent a lot of time. a few days with my sister up in Westchester county, my sister Deirdre, who I love more than anybody. I mean, other than my immediate family, my mother, brother, my kids, but my sister,

she was like my best friend growing up for three years apart, and she is just the most fun, warm, caring, hilarious. She literally is the reason I'm a comedian because she used to laugh so hard at my antics and encouraged me so much to be funny. And she, I was, I went to be you and then she went to be you to be with me for a couple years and we're still extremely close. And so I got to stay with her for a few days, which was great, like four days. And, uh, her husband, Rob is, uh, you know, I got pretty lucky with the in-laws in my family. family. My brother-in-law, Rob, I love my wife's brother and brothers and sister. One full brother,

a half-sister, and some steps. But anyway, I just scored with all of them. But my brother-in-law, Rob, is such a character. He's a builder and a foreman on a construction crew. And he drinks beer. he drinks a lot of beer and he's my size. The guy drinks like two or three six packs a day. And he has a flat stomach. He's like me. He's probably 160 pounds. And he drink.

And not like a drunk, not a drunk. Just drinks a lot of beer. And so here's how much he drinks. They just went to a Yankees game. They're like, oh yeah, we were in the box. We were in a luxury box. I go, I go, how'd you get in a luxury box? And my sister goes, well, Rob goes to this one beer warehouse.

And he buys all his beer there. And also his friends come over a lot. There's two refrigerators full of beer. And so the guy who owns the warehouse, he invites people to his box at Yankee Stadium once a year. And he invites all of the big distributors, like the big companies that come in and buy from the warehouse and delivered to bars. So he invited a bunch of distributors and Rob. He was the only single person who was invited. That's how much beer, my brother-in-law buys. And he's like best friends with this guy. I have best friends. He's friends with him. He's this Indian dude. And

anyway, I just thought that was, I thought that was, but my sister's family, we call them the loud family. They're very loud. And they yell to each other. And the laughter is just from the second you walk in the door, everybody is teasing each other and cracking up and making jokes and making fun of themselves and partying. Their two kids are really close to my two kids. The cousins fucking love each other. And so it was so great spending some time up there,

I played some golf with my mom. And then I went down to St. Pete, Florida for the first annual joke world festival, unbelievably well run. Everything was smooth. They got good crowds coming out. Amazing lineup of comics. Joe DeRosa and Maddie Smith came on my, we did a live podcast that we packed. And they were both hilarious, really good chemistry, hung out with Tommy Pope. If you don't know Tommy Pope, like, he's part of the whole Shane Gillis crew out of Pennsylvania.

But what a character. What a funny fucking dude. Watch for Tommy Pope. And while I was there, I went to a subway for dinner one night. And I walked in, here's how you know you're in Florida. I walk in the lady's in the back. And she's asleep. And I stand there and I say, excuse me.

lightly several times and then finally she wakes up and she comes out and she she makes my sandwich i pay her and then she literally said uh uman sitting in the front the back's all clean and the front was not clean but i sat there because it's it's a subway here's my standards subway is not beneath my standards unless it's in a gas station That's where I draw the line. But our freestanding subway, I'll go. I'll get my, I'll get the, the meatball sub with some provolone on top, little sauce on some wheat bread. Oh, love it.

What else is going on? I should get to it. I just want to mention this on a serious note. I've been going to therapy the last couple of months, nothing major. I check in every four or five years. I'll go to therapy for four or five months. Get the head straight. Keep the anxiety in check.

Keep the motivation going. And I've got my substance issues. You know, I've with booze. I still have to talk about wanting booze. And anyway, reaching for booze or whatever you're, whether it's gambling or, I don't know, maybe you're a sex addict, whatever it is. Whatever you're reaching for, here's what I realized in many years of therapy,

is you're avoiding. I mean, everybody knows that. It's avoidance. And what you need to do, and this even works for if you have major stress, you just got to stop. You got to sit down and you got to go, what am I feeling right now? Not, don't manipulate the thoughts. Don't talk about your reactions to the feelings.

Talk about the feelings. Don't talk about, like, if you're feeling angry, think about it. I'm angry and sit with anger. If you feel dissed or alienated from people, sit with, I'm lonely. I'm dejected. Sit with, and I'm not talking about for 20 minutes, three or four minutes, experience it, unfiltered and wrong. raw and don't attach a narrative to it. Well, I'm feeling like this because my parents did,

whatever, none of that matters. All that matters is that you pass it through your body and you sit. And when you stop, I'm telling you, you're going to stand up and you're not going to be craving. You're not going to be anxious. Your head's not going to be racing because you've dealt with the thing that you've been avoiding. All our energy goes into avoiding. sitting with, and I know this might sound trite and obvious, but it's just kind of a reminder. Wherever you're at, whatever you're experiencing, just sit, be honest with yourself about what you're really feeling and go down with it. Just go down with it. Embrace it, hug it, sit with it. And then watch what happens. Okay. You can also watch what happens at the Columbus

Funny Bone, August 27th. Come on out. I'm flying all the way in for one show. Maybe it's two shows, I don't know. Vancouver, the Vista Center for the Arts on September 5th. La Jolla Comedy Store, September 18 through 20, one of my favorite clubs in the world. Batavia, Illinois at the Comedy Vault, October 15 through 17. Also want to talk to you about Rocket Money. If you look at bank statements and there's like,

there's always like weird little charges and you're not sure why you're paying 1999 or even $3.99. There's all these little things that in a moment of recklessness, or maybe there was a show streaming on a network you wanted, and so you signed up and you forgot to cancel, or good luck trying to cancel. I went through this with Paramount Plus for weeks trying to get off of it. And there's a thing called Rocket Money that brings all your account. Not only does it bring all your accounts together in one place, you can organize your transactions. You kind of get a bird's eye view of where you're spending. is going. But also, the huge bonus is you can track down these little trickles of cash that are

dripping out of your savings account. And with like one click, you can close that account. And so it's a personal finance app. And you're going to lower your bills. I've had, I had a, I did it about nine months ago and I canceled like three streamers. I'm not going to say which podcast, but I had a premium membership went to a podcast that I forgot I'd signed up for. And sorry, you're not getting my money anymore. So anyway, forget about these subscriptions you don't want. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash Fitzdog. That's RocketMoney.com. com slash fits dog rocket money dot com slash fitzdog you're going to thank me maybe you should mail me some money my guest today is a very funny guy out of new york city works the clubs he is on the road

opening for jerry seinfeld a lot he opens up for uh somebody else huge i can't remember but he also headlines on his own and you should check him out he's got a new special called this just hit me. He's had a bunch of Netflix specials. He's been on Fallon, Colbert, Conan. He's done it all. Great dude. Here's my interview with Ryan Hamilton. All right. My guest today is from New York. Well, he lives in New York. He's not from New York. Ryan Hamilton. You're actually originally from Idaho? Yeah. That's right. I don't know that I know anybody else from Idaho. I get that quite a bit. Yeah.

Pull that mic up right in front of your face. I get that. Or maybe squeeze that. It doesn't. Is it falling down? Yeah, there we go. Okay, there we go. You get a lot of people that haven't met someone from Idaho.

Nobody ever knows anyone from Idaho. I rarely see people outside of Idaho from Idaho. And when I do see someone in New York, I'm like, where have you been? Oh, I think you're going to say I avoid them. No, I'm happy to see them. I thought I was the only one. Yeah, it must be exciting because it's a very specific. specific play. I mean, I've only been there once. I was in Boise and I mean, you know, you're in

the town and then you're out of the town and you are out there. Yeah. It doesn't take long. Idaho is a state of, it's Boise and then there's a couple towns of like 50 to 75,000 people. And then it's a state of a million people. But Boise is probably like 400,000. So there's like half a million people who live in towns that are like very small. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. And those are all kind of multi-genital, like people who have for generations, or you have like the Bruce Willis and the Demi Morris who come in and show? That's a very small part of the population. It is. I would assume. Yes. Yeah. I mean, we're, it's farm towns. Yeah. Northern Idaho, Southern Idaho, very different places. Like,

I don't really even know that much about. Boise is Southern, right? Yeah. Yeah. You can't can't even drive from the northern part of Idaho to the southern part of Idaho. It's too remote in the middle of the state. It's like one of the most remote parts of all of the country. Really? Yes. Whoa. So when you were a kid, was it hard to like when you played, did you play sports? I tried. I was not much of an athlete, but I tried. So I was going to say, I wonder if like sometimes like I was just in Alaska and they were like, yeah, when we play other teams, we have to take airplanes. Oh, it wasn't like that. Yeah. Yeah, not that crazy. But. There are parts of Idaho that the only way you can get to them is to fly into like on a little tiny prop plane. Right. Right. And then, so did you grow up in a small town? Very small. A thousand people.

I love that that makes you laugh. Just the number makes you laugh. I mean, it's just like, it's just so hard for me to understand what that must have been like because you probably, you know, you make friendship. and maybe you make enemies, and then you're sort of like, that's, that doesn't change a lot. Like, once you've set the... It's kind of like your ancestors make friends and enemies. Oh, really? And then that's who they are for your life.

The Hatfields and the McCoys. It's a little bit of that, probably more. I mean, everybody knows who you are. I didn't have enemies, really. I don't think, I felt a lot more support from the community than, than any kind of animosity. That's weird, because you have so many enemies now. you are a very I knew I was going to regret this podcast

I can't imagine somebody hating you I mean you're annoying but like I couldn't hate you sure sure right like a very it's like in a fun way hateably fun

that's on my posters yeah hateably fun yeah so were there kids that was it sort of rough and tumble kids like fist fights Yeah, tough kids. Not a lot of fights, but just tough farm kids, you know, knew how to get things done.

Yeah, right. Yeah. And then there was, I would imagine sports would be big just because there's not a lot else to deal. Yeah, high school sports was king. Like, we have no professional sports allegiance because there isn't anything there. You don't have any in the, there's no team. Oh, I'm thinking of the Utah Jazz, but that's a different state. That's really the closest. And that's like four or five hours from where I'm from. I mean, Denver's like 12 hours. Seattle's like 12 hours. So high school sports is king. And football and wrestling really is the top. And you didn't make the, because you're pretty tall. Did you try basketball? I tried basketball. I was so bad at basketball that I couldn't even make. I mean, there's, like, there's barely enough people to have a basketball team. And I couldn't even make it then, you know. Well, how many kids in your graduating class? 63, and it was one of the biggest ever in my life.

That means 60, that means 31 boys to make up a team of, I mean, a basketball team is 11 kids. Yeah. If not more. Yeah, not everybody's trying out. Yeah. I couldn't cut it. And you couldn't make it. I mean, but the teams, it was more than that because it's several grades combined, you know, but not much more.

Right. Right. Right. But I do think that you get exposed, like, people think that you can't become a well-rounded person in a small town. No, I don't believe that. Yeah. I don't need that. Yeah, no, I get that. Because you have to do everything.

Yeah. I mean, I was exposed to athletics, even if I didn't want to do it. I was in the musical, even if I didn't want to do it, you know, you're doing everything. Yeah. All hands on deck. If you don't do it, it doesn't exist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right, right. Yeah.

So you count on each other, and there's a sense of teamwork. Absolutely. Right. Absolutely. I have a joke in my first special. We have a big parade every year. There are 1,000 people in my parade, 500 people in the parade, 500 people watching. We have exactly enough.

enough people to have a parade. Do they take turns every year? Swap it out. If someone stays home, they're kind of ruining the whole thing. Yeah. So, and what about dating? Because obviously, the dating pool then is, like I said, you've got 30 women that are your age, maybe another 30 that are younger or older than you.

So, I mean, is dating something that once you find somebody, you've got. kind of hold on because you know there's not a plan B? I guess so. I don't know. I feel like, yeah, people paired off a little bit. Sometimes you could meet someone from another town that almost had like a scandalous vibe to it for some reason. Or a pretend vibe. Right. Yeah, Ryan's got, yeah, I got a girlfriend. She's in middle town. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I see her at summer camp. Do you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, some of that, but I don't know, everybody, there wasn't a lot of serious dating, I would I didn't think where I grew up.

I don't know if it's like that with everybody's little town. But when I grew up, where I grew up, people dated, but they weren't like pairing off really that much. It felt like. Yeah, yeah. And then, yeah, and then I guess friendships, if you make friends with some other guys, then you're going to spend time. You're not going to things. You're going to each other's house pretty much, right? You go to their house, I mean, or do something outside.

We spend a lot of time outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like whatever it is, a lot of activities outside. Like what? Snowmobiling? Yes, we call it snow machining. Yeah. Downhill skiing, you could do, I mean, in the summer, we work a lot, you know, with a lot of work outside.

Like farming? Farm work. Do you grow up on a farm? I didn't grow up on a farm, but I worked on farms. Yeah. Because that's what there was. I had other jobs, too. But yeah, but those were the kind of thing.

I guess we did spend a lot of time at each other's homes. Church activities was like a thing. Oh, right. The church. Church is big. Was there multiple churches in town? Or was it everybody is Methodist? Well, there's a few.

It was predominantly Mormon where I grew up. Really? Yes. Okay. Were you Mormon? I grew up around that, yes. Okay. Yes.

Interesting. Uh-huh. And so was there, was it difficult for people that were not in the church? to be in the community? Do they feel like on the outskirts? I think there might have been some of that. Yeah. I mean, there were other religions as well, but I do think there might have been some of that. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Because, yeah, I mean, I grew up in New York, so there was a lot of Jews, a lot of, I mean, it was everything. I grew up in Tarrytown, New York, you know, Tarrie Town? Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah. And so we had the temple, Episcopal, Methodist, Lutheran, a few Catholics. and it wasn't something that anybody claimed as an identity. Even the Jewish kids, it wasn't like, oh my God, he's Jewish. It was just sort of like we had such a mixture of people. And so I'm always curious about when you get to a place that's predominantly one thing if it's tough to be not that thing.

I think so in my town there was probably some of that. Yeah. And I mean, part of the reason that I started going to church as a Mormon young kid was because of the social reason. A lot of my friends were there. Right. So it's like, it was kind of like, it wasn't like uncool. Right, right, right.

It was kind of cool in a way. Yeah, yeah. And the other churches too, but they just weren't, the population wasn't the same. But I will say when I moved to New York, that was interesting for me because I was always had an identity attached to Mormonism that people had a lot of questions about or apprehension, perhaps. When I got to New York, people didn't care. They're just like, what are you? Right, right, right.

What are you? Oh, you're that? Yeah. Wow, that's weird. Yep. I'm a thing too. Yeah. And people want to know what your thing is.

Yeah. People want to know what your heritage is, which was a question I never had to answer in my life. That's something I really find with New York is like if you were Colombian, and again, it wasn't like, it didn't make a difference in terms of being excluded or included. Yeah. But it was very much like, yeah, the Dominican guy came in and he told the Puerto Rican guy that the black guy's waiting for him out front. You know, like especially like I had an Aunt Joe in the Bron. And it was literally like that. Every single person she talked about.

It was, you know, the two Italian guys that live on Brewer Street, you know. And I think in a way it made people celebrate their ethnicity a little bit. Like, I'm very proudly Irish. I got my Irish harp on my shoulder. And like, you know, all four my grandparents are from there. Wow. You know, it was, I think New York has probably has more recent, well no I guess the immigrants have been all over the place but like I just feel like

it's not an exclusionary way I just think it's like it just makes you feel proud of your heritage people just wanted to know what I was yeah and I say where are you from and I go Idaho and they go no what do you like where are you from I go I don't really know right I mean I'm a mix of a lot of things. Probably Scandinavian. Yeah, some of that, but some Irish, some, all sorts of stuff. Well, Hamilton is English, right? I don't know that part, but I have Murdoch in my mother's side.

Really? My grandmother was Murdoch. You think you had any of that money coming your way? That would be pretty sweet. I doubt it. I think I would know about that. I don't know. That'd be nice.

Some German. How many generations back do you think your people go? What do you mean? Like when they immigrated. Oh, well, let's see. My father's, we've got some records of them coming, you know, I've got some photos of them, my father's side coming from, I think some Ireland at that time and they were driving,

but very, very early driving, you know, like the 20s, some of that. And then on my mother's side, I know that there's some that came across the planes with Brigham Young at that time. Unbelievable. And founded Salt Lake City. No kidding. Came from Europe. Yeah. That's amazing.

Yeah. I mean, you watch those movies where they're in stagecoaches? Yes. Where you can, like, first of all, stagecoach, that's not like a Michelin All Wear tire. No. That's a wood plank. Yes. And you hit a patch of mud.

Yes. What are you doing? Yes. I have a, I don't know how many grades for maybe a grandmother that her name was Wee Granny, and everybody knew her as that, who died at Chimney Rock on the way, which is in, I don't remember where Chimney Rock. Was Clenice in that movie? Little Wee Granny at Chimney Rock. But yeah, she was coming across at that time, and a lot of them actually came across with hand carts. They pulled it.

No. Yes. Yes. So they put all their belongings in a hand cart and hauled it. Okay. With a stagecoach company, right? So they would have stage coaches, but they would also pull their own stuff. Unreal.

So I have a lot of that in my family that I heard those stories growing up. Yeah. And you think about the Darwinism of that. And the people that made it there were the strong ones. Because a lot of people didn't. Yes. Oh, a lot of people. Yeah.

And a lot of it was, yeah, yeah, there's a lot of reasons why, too, you know. But, yeah. So you get some tough people there. I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting to think about it. I should figure out and learn more about it.

I mean, I had the stories all in a general way, but the specificity of it I should get into. Yeah, I think especially since you don't know who's going to die, who had the memories. Yes. My brother was very cool, interviewed my mother's father, whose name was Florence McCarthy from Ireland. And it was like a school project when he was in like eighth grade and he sat down with my grandfather like three times and like got all the details of his child. Because he came to this country when he was a teenager. And he got all the memories of like he was in the IRA back when it was like, you know, early IRA. Wow.

And he ran messages for them as a teenager. and then, you know, there were 13 kids that lived in a two-room, like, shack. Right. And, you know, they came over here, and he found his way at 16. He was, like, picking up odd jobs, and then he got hired at the Con Edison, which is the New York Electric Company in the Bronx, and he worked there for 50 years and raised seven kids or six kids. And, you know, I'm just glad that the details,

of it and the stories. Yes. Like really specific stories about the siblings and his memories of his grandparents. And also, he knew a lot of Irish limericks and songs. Oh, wow. And so we wrote down a lot of those limericks. Right, that's great. Yeah.

Those songs are, you get lost fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I know a lot of, I mean, my grandmother grew up in a two-room house and took a horse to a one-room schoolhouse, my grandmother. Why didn't they just have the school at her house? house. I don't know because there were other kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I knew my great-grandmother on my, my grandfather's, my mother's grandfather's mother. I knew her very well up until I was like

14. Oh, that's pretty cool. Yeah, so that was interesting, you know. But they were all in that area for a long time in Idaho. Uh-huh. And most people don't leave, right? Yeah. People stick around there. Right. Yeah. It's like, yeah, That's like when I was in Alaska. Like everybody I talked, it was like, yeah. I go, do you go to Florida in December and January when there's no sunlight? No, that's the best time. Right. Is it?

How is it possibly the best time? When there's no sunlight? No sunlight. There's something they say that's really magic about it. I was up there for a week over Thanksgiving one time and it didn't get above 20 below. Oh, my. 20 below zero? Didn't get above 20 below.

Wow. And it was dark the whole time. Yeah. Yeah. It was not. But the crowds are amazing because they're so happy and grateful that you made it up there. Right. I mean, I honestly would shoot a special in Alaska.

That would be cool. And they're also politically, you know, they're a little more conservative because they're, you know, kind of bootstrap Americans. Right. They don't want big government. Meanwhile, they're getting like 10 grand a year in oil subsidies. So it is like pretty socialist, actually. But they are, but they don't wear it on. their sleeves. Like they people don't argue about politics in Alaska, which is nice because you

can go up there and talk about anything and, you know, not feel them pull back. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I've only, I've been up there twice, but yeah, the places we get to see doing comedy, it's amazing, right? All the things that we know about the places, like we can have a conversation about anywhere. I've been to Boise, Idaho. Right, right. It's amazing. Yeah. And it's and it is, So when you first start doing stand-up, you're kind of a, you're a tourist. It's like a working vacation, and you'll go out during the day. I remember being in Louisville, and I went to the Louisville Bat manufacturer. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

And I took a tour. Yeah, sure. And, you know, I'm in San Francisco, and I'd get on the trolley car, and, you know, I would do all the St. Louis. I went to the Arch, Cleveland. I went to the Rock and Roll Hall of it. And then once you go back, you kind of go like, all right, what else? and then you go, yeah, I got some emails to catch up on. And then all of a sudden you get into a pattern where you're just not seeing stuff.

Do you do that? Do you try to get out? I try to get out, but I'm kind of the same way you do. Sometimes I'll go to a city and I'll go, I'm going to save that for next time. Because I'll be back here. Right. But I try to get out. I don't know. I always say the travel is what we get paid for.

You know, the job is the fun part. The job is the fun part. And I like the honesty of, like, I just did five shows in Pittsburgh in a weekend, you know, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And there's something very honest about logging real hours. That's five hours of standing on stage, making people laugh. And it's very different because I know you do theater shows and, like, you open for some of the biggest people in the business. And so you're only doing, what do you do, 20 minutes when you open?

It depends on who I'm with. When I'm with Seinfeld 15, I've been out with Nate Bargatsy a little bit recently. I do eight. Really? Yeah, because he'll have three or four guys, each do an eight. So you basically fly all the way across the country, stay in a hotel, get your meals, and you do eight minutes of material. Yeah.

So that's what I'm talking about when you do a club, because you seem to alternate between doing the clubs and doing that. Yeah. And it's a work week. Right. Yeah, I do that too. I do a lot of clubs too. Yeah, right. It's kind of necessary for me.

I feel like I got to have some in the mix. I need them to keep me strong. Yeah. You're not getting stronger to do an eight minutes in front of a hot crowd every time. No, yeah. You can try a little thing maybe if you're lucky. Yeah. Have you ever done shows with Greg Garcia on those tours?

Oh, yes. He opens for Nate sometimes. I know Greg. Yeah, I got to know Greg that way. Yeah, he is great. Yeah, he's really great. I remember the first time he did it. it was a goof. I think he was developing an idea for a show with Nate. And Nate was like,

you're funny. He goes, why do you just go up tonight? So like the first time Greg ever did stand-up was in front of like 12,000 people. He told me that. It's bonkers. And now he seems to love it. Like he'll go out and like open for guys and stuff. He opened for me once. Did he? Yeah, yeah. I've known him. I don't even know how I know Greg Garcia, but we play golf together. Okay. Yeah, he's a really super guy. But those, and then Nate, last The last time I saw Nate, he came out here, I think it was like a year ago. And there was this benefit golf tournament that he flew out to play. Oh, yeah, he loves that.

Yeah. The one at Tahoe? No, this one was in L.A. I forget which club it was. Riviera, which is like the best club in L.A. So they have this benefit, and he plays, and we're playing in different groups, but then we hang out after, and he wins the tournament. Wow. He's really, really, did you know he's really good a golf?

I didn't know he was like that. No, no, no, no. He's like almost a professional golfer. Really? Yeah. Wow. And so he wins this tournament and they give him this beautiful Riviera golf bag. And we're hanging out after the show and I'm like, so he won that bag.

So it's a nice bag. He's like, yeah. I go, so what are you going to like pack it? You're going to like put it in the overhead? I mean, going back to Nashville, right? Like, yeah. I was like, you probably got a lot of bags. He's like, you want the bag?

I was like, yeah. Yeah, I want the bag. So that's my golf bag now. That's great. Of course. What is he going to do with that? He's probably got 25 bags in his garage. That was a good move.

Yeah, it was a strong move. I'm not good at asking for things, but when it feels like it's the right thing to do, I'll go all in. He probably was looking for a way to get rid of that. I think he was. I think he probably would have left it in his hotel room. Exactly.

For the main. And she's no good. She slices everything. What do you mean? Golf humor. It's golf humor. Golf humor. You haven't played yet.

I've played, but it's been a long time. I used to play on these, like, farm courses in Idaho growing up. Yeah. I worked on a golf course for a summer. You did? In the middle of potato fields, this place. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's a little, like, mostly three-par.

Were you mowing grass? I would set the water. I would help customers. I didn't actually mow, no. Yeah. Yeah. It's amazing. Yeah.

You're a big golfer. Yeah, I grew up. I was a caddy. Really? I used to carry the bags my teenage years. It's why my calves are really well developed. People are often in shock at how good my calves are. Because you got all that weight on your shoulders.

I mean, these bags were this big. Yeah, yeah. And they were leather, and they'd have 15 clubs and then an umbrella and then a ball retriever, and then they'd have about 15 golf balls in there, and they'd have an extra pair of shoes, and you'd put one on each shoulder. Right. And then the average golf course,

you walk about seven miles. Wow. And the one I worked was very hilly. Wow. And I was a skinny little kid. I weighed like 125 pounds. Wow. And I used to go out, and I would ride my bike.

I lived about seven, Tarry Town was about seven miles from this course. It was in White Plains. And I would ride my bike at like six o'clock in the morning, seven miles to the course. And then I'd caddy seven miles, and then I'd ride the bike home again. Yeah.

party all night and I'd sleep four hours and I get up and do it again you probably loved your life I mean I never I don't remember being tired yeah remember when you're that age yes you just do things yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's great oh my god's I'd show you but this table this goddamn table yeah it's a real bummer I'll send you photos okay I appreciate that yeah yeah yeah yeah I mean a lot of them are on my website but I'll send PDFs all right I think I've seen them I think have you have you yeah yeah yeah around. I mean, I use them instead of headshots. Yeah, sure. Yeah. People get it. They get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go, this guy's going to be funny. That's Fitzsimmons. They go, that's, I can see. I know this guy. I've seen this guy. What's your worst headshot you ever took? Oh, that's a good

question. I have some bad ones, I think. I like the one that I'm using right now I don't really like. I got a white t-shirt on. It washes out my face. I've tried to change it. Um, Yeah, I have an early one that's black and white. Oh, yeah. It's really early and looking way up and kind of like my purse lips and trying to be like cool. Yeah. Yeah. You know, that was a big thing starting out, you know, getting a headshot done.

That's when I think I felt like a pro for the first time. Yeah. There was a guy, you know. I know a headshot guy. Yeah. And he'd pull you into a real studio. He's got a real camera that you couldn't. Yeah.

And then, yeah, you get a real headshot. Yeah. Shoot it on film. and then you'd make like 10,000 of them. Yeah. But do you go out for commercial auditions? Because that's what I used to use them for. I used to.

I mean, I did for a time in New York here and there, but I never got good at that game. I never was like, I was on the road too much to make the agent satisfied. Yeah. They were always like, we can't keep sending you these stuff. They want to call you and you go in that day. Yeah, we need you here.

And I'm not going to call you three times and you're not available. So you never booked anything. No. Never booked a commercial like that. Have you done any acting? You've done any movies or TV shows? Little things, tiny, tiny things, but nothing of significance.

No. I studied acting, though, for a couple years when I moved to New York, and I really enjoyed it. Where'd you study? With Joanna Bexon. Oh, yeah. Meisner. That was Ray Romano's teacher. Yes.

Famously, yes. Yeah. She was the comedy go-to person. She was great. Everybody went to her, and I actually studied Meisner at the neighborhood playhouse, which is where Sanford Meijer. So I did two years of listening and answering as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes. That's a gray shirt. This is a gray shirt. It's a gray shirt. It's a gray shirt? It's a gray shirt. It's totally gray. It's a gray shirt.

You don't believe it's gray? No, it's, I know it's gray. Yeah, you know it's gray. I totally know it's gray. You totally know it's gray. It's gray? No, it's gray. Yeah, it's gray.

Yeah, it's gray. It's gray. We literally for two years, that's what you do. You just, you just. Until somebody cries. A girl punched me in the face once. No way. Yeah, we were doing a very heated...

The thing is, by the second half of the year, you start doing preparations before the repetition. So the teacher would pull you over separately. And there'd be a little set. There'd be like a living room. And then he would whisper in your ear, your brother just died. And you hated him.

And then he'd whisper in the girl's ear, your boyfriend just cheated on you with your sister. And then he'd say, scene. Well, first, you'd have like five minutes to, there was all these ways of preparing to get into that character. You know, you'd think of a situation that was very similar to that in your life, and you would try to, like, really tactilely experience it so that it was informing your mood. Right. And then you'd come in, and it was like unleashing to character. And then you'd start to repeat. And she got so angry because her boyfriend had fucked her sister.

I don't know what it was, but she was this tough Puerto Rican girl from Brooklyn. And Deja, and all of a sudden she got heated up. And she fucking punched me right in the mouth. I still have scar tissue on the inside of my lip. I was bleeding all over the place. Oh, my. Yeah. Wow.

And what was the instructor's response to that? Was that like this is uncalled for? He loved it. This is good work. He loved all that shit. People used to get fully naked in class. Wow. And he used to love that.

He once, I had a scene in a play called The Dreamer Examin's Pillow, and I was fooling around with my girlfriend in the scene. So we get the lines, we learn them, and then we come into class, and we, you know, literally make out. And Richard Pinter, who was this guy, he was the head of acting at Neighborhood Playhouse, and he had this handle of our mustache. He was the gay, hardcore gay guy, like Chelsea fucking raw hide bar, leather. So he had buttonfly jeans that the top button was always unbuttoned and a leather vest and the handlebar mustache. And so we're making out.

And he goes, bullshit! Bullshit! Not buying it. It's not real. And so he gave us the keys to the studio. and he goes, come in after class and go on that couch, and I want you guys to fool around until it seems like you are used to fooling around with each other. Wow.

And I'm with this girl who is a hottie. Right. And so we did it. And we got really into it. And there was like a lot of emotions flowing. And nobody else is there. Nobody else is there. Wow.

And we fooled around, and then we said we should do this again tomorrow. And we did it again tomorrow. And when we did the scene, we actually did the scene for our showcase for like all our friends and family. And people were like, that showcase was worth coming to. You guys made it a... Wow. Yeah. It's intense.

Yeah, yeah. It's wild that stuff. I mean, you always get in those classes and I remember being very intimidated by the women in those classes because you're in very emotional scenes. They're always gorgeous women. Yeah. And you're like, they're vulnerable. These are not the kind of women that I have in my life. I'm not even with anybody.

So it's like, yeah, yeah. It's wild. I think acting class is such a great experience for anybody. Anybody. I learned so much from it. I never have even been on a set hardly and used it, but I've used it in my life a lot. Podcasting. I listen to my guest.

Yes, I can tell. Actually, when you said that, I go, that makes a lot of sense because I can tell that you have the listening skills of an actor. Yeah. I never booked much. No. I think that type of acting wasn't, I think I'm a good actor. I don't think I'm a good auditioner.

And so, like, the Meisner technique is really for the meat of a scene. It's not for, like, the walking in, like, hey, nice to meet you. How are you? Yeah, great. Head shots over there. Right. Okay. Hey, like, that's not Meisner.

Right. And so I kind of struggle auditioning for stuff. But, no, you're right. I think anybody can learn, and I think improv as well is really great for somebody to just take an improv for us. Yes, that's great too. Because that's all teamwork. Right. Building a scene together.

Right. Yeah, that's all really great. So you took the acting, so do you still have designs on getting into acting? I like the idea of it, but I don't know. I'm always so busy with stand-up, which has always been my first love of this business. So, but I don't know. I have ideas of like, I'm getting more into like learning story structure and writing and trying to maybe come up with something to pitch or just produce yourself.

I mean, now you can just do whatever you want to do, you know? So it's like, I don't know. I'm interested in it whether or not anything would ever happen, who knows? Well, that's the thing. You don't know, but I really do think if you have talent and you believe in yourself, applied effort eventually. Something happens. Right.

I mean, it's the people that sit back and go, well, it's not the right time. I think a lot of people have emotions connected to their decision-making too much, and if they're not feeling motivated, they don't work. And I think that you come from the school. You're a big writer in your stand-up. I would imagine you come more from the school of just sitting down and writing. And not just waiting for it to happen. periods of that and I go through periods of...

I do a lot of... do tons of sets and I force myself to do new stuff. Even if I haven't written anything that day, I'm really pretty disciplined about taking some risks on stage. And that over time pays off. I do go through periods where I'm very disciplined about writing too, but doing it real consistently, I've never nailed it. I feel guilt about that.

But I do believe that it pays off when you do it. I mean, look at your buddy Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. I mean, he seems like a guy who, I mean, I don't know him very well, but it seems like he's a guy who almost has office hours with his writing. Yeah, absolutely. I think he is very disciplined about it. I mean, we're in the green room and he'll be flipping through, you know,

yellow pages of just pages of stuff. He's never tried on stage. Uh-huh. I don't have the, he'll write out an entire chunk. Yeah. And memorize that and then bring it to the stage. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, he's not always doing that, but he has stuff like that, and he has stuff he's never even tried. Lots of it. So I've never got to that point. You know, I'll try a little bit. If it's working, I'll really work on that and try and extend it. But I never take a topic and go, I'm going to write about this topic for it. It feels a little bit like starting to fire.

Like, I need some, the kindling might be the idea, and then you need to be on stage and get the spark and see if anything takes. Right. And then you go back and write and you're kind of fanning. Yeah. that's a great analogy for me. I'm the same way. Once you get that big laugh with that solid premise, it's almost like the premise is the hard part. You get the premise that's almost funny in itself without actually like just the idea of it. I was almost getting a laugh. That's really where you go, okay, I'm going to get some momentum out of this thing. Yeah, my friend who's not

a comedian, he's an actor, he just sent me a voice memo. He's like, and I hate this. I know you hate this. When people come up to you after show and go, hey, I got an idea for a joke for you. Or a friend who goes, I got a idea for you for you. Because it's 99.8% not something you can use. Yeah. But he sent me a voice memo yesterday and it said, I don't know if there's anything here, but like, you know, when I was growing up, they had soda machines and they installed them. There had never been soda machines in schools.

And they brought them in and they said, yeah, but we're going to use the money to buy new uniforms for the sports teams. And he's like, but then the sports teams would get so fat that they didn't fit in the uniforms anymore. And I thought, that's something. Yeah, that's kind of interesting. There's maybe something there. That's so specific. Generally, it's like people don't think that way. Yeah.

That's great. Who knows? Who knows? I kind of have this idea, like, if you really need to, if your life depended on, I've had this conversation with Dimitri Martin before. It's like, if your life depended on it, could you write a joke about a topic that somebody gave you and like figure out how to do a chunk, five-minute chunk? And I think you could.

You know what I mean? Anything. Well, I mean, I've written for TV for 20 years. So you know. everybody, and I know that I can sit in an office for eight hours, and I can crank out 40, 50 jokes a day for somebody else. Right. And then I sit in a hotel room in Phoenix with eight hours free and watch TV, maybe work out, probably not. And you just go, what just happened?

Do you think that any of the disconnect is because it's for you rather than for other people, the discipline of writing? Or do you think it's just that there's... In other words, you have distance from... who you're writing for. Yeah. It's like you have to, it feels like more effort because it's so personal

connected to you. Maybe. That makes sense. So almost the exercise might be pretend you're writing for somebody else like you. Maybe so.

Yeah. Because if you've done that for so long, it's a great skill to have, but I can see that it would be different. Well, you know, the thing about writing for other people, and I wrote for the roast a little bit this year,

is that I can sit in a room and pitch jokes, and I'm not scared that they're not going to work because they haven't worked most of the time for so many years. It doesn't bother you anymore. And I think that that is the key to writing, is not fear, getting rid of the fear of failure. Right, that makes sense. And in a writer's room, it's like we're so used to as stand-of-comedians,

like there's no rejection because it's only me who's trying this stuff out. Right. That's where I, the few times I've been in a writer's room and really tried, it's tough for me because I'm not a guy who speaks up. If we're in a podcast, there's four people, you're not going to hear from me that mind. I'm not good at like interjecting. Yeah. And so in a writer's room, that's a skill that I would think is really valuable, or that's what I perceived when I was doing that. And so.

Where did you write? The one time I really had that experience, I was writing on the Oscars. Oh, cool. Yeah, I was right. When Amy Schumer hosted, she asked me to come on. Nice. So I was there for like 10 days. It was very weird period.

It was right after my accident. It was really the first time I wrote after my accident. I was in this accident. Yeah, yeah, but the bus. Yeah. So I think that's why Amy asked me. She just was like heard about it, was worried about me. It was like, this guy needs to do something.

Yeah. And said, come right. Maybe she wanted brain damage writers coming up with weird stuff for her. She'd often run stuff by me, but I thought that's what it was going. thought that's what it was going to be. And then she was like, we're working on your travel. And I was like, travel. I thought you were just going to send me some stuff. And I wasn't even completely healed. So I was like hobbling around. Oh, really? Breathing weird. Oh, my God. It was crazy. And it was the, it was the slap year. Oh.

It was that. Were you backstage for that? Did you try to think of jokes for it? Yeah, I was panicked because it was like, they had three hosts. It was an interesting year. Oh, that's right. Yeah. It was Amy and Wanda. And, oh gosh, I shouldn't. Even Faye, was it? No, she's a very funny actress. Oh, I feel bad. Krasinski?

No, a woman. Yeah. Anyway, I'll think of it. God, is that accident? It really messed me up. The doctors all said there's no trauma. They couldn't believe there was no brain trauma. And I'm like, I'm kind of with you.

I think there might be. Yeah. But, so anyway. scrambling backstage. Yeah, it was so weird. You know, we were texting the head writer all night. He was, like, so thrilled with everything. It's going so well.

We're so happy. That happens. I'm panicked. Amy's the only person who had any time left on the show. I had the host. And she only had one bit left. And I'm, like, texting the head writer, and he's radio silence. Nothing.

And I'm like, what am I doing? I don't know what we're supposed to. Amy didn't see it. I had to go back to her trailer and explain to her what happened. Uh-huh. She's like, what do you mean? And I'm like, he got punched. I thought he got punched.

And I'm like, she's like, what? And I'm like, let's look on YouTube. And it was on YouTube in two seconds. And I'm like, this is what happened. Wow. And she had to do a bit in the audience was the next thing she had. The only thing any host had was her in the audience. And I'm looking at seating charts.

And it's like 10 feet from Will Smith. Who sat back down and stayed for the rest of the show. Yeah. And so I'm like, I can't think of anything. right now that doesn't maybe escalate this. So I'm just going to say we don't do anything. Yeah. I don't know what I'm, this is my first writing gig ever.

Yeah, yeah. And Amy's like, I think that's good. And then Wanda came into Amy's trailer. And she's like, you've got to say something. And I was like, I'm just going to let them. And they figured something out. Amy came out and said, I was in my trailer. Did I miss anything?

Oh, that's right. That got a big laugh. And that was enough. That was kind of perfect. It was so perfect. Yeah. It was a non-joke. Yeah.

It was an anti-joke. Right. Regina Hall. Thank you so much. Right, right, right. Thank you. She's great. Yeah.

And then the crazy thing is not only did he stay, he won an award. It gave a speech. Right. Afterwards. Right. Yeah, it was wild. Name another job. You punch somebody in the face and then stay for the rest of your shift.

And then get employee of the week. We just described this in your acting class, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right. He was listening and answered. The only other. Yeah, Will Smith took mys there. But I don't think they were acting. Yeah, yeah. But although Chris's reaction was very genuine, like he literally said what just happened. He goes, I just got bitch slapped by Will Smith.

And then you saw him think out loud. Right. You know, he didn't try to ignore it. Right. He obviously didn't have a joke out of it right away. And there was something very endearing about how he just sat with it, you know? It takes a certain presence. Like being on stage so many years, handling so many situations for that to happen in live, real time.

Yeah. With all those peers watching you. literally everybody who means anything is watching you. And to handle that in that moment and react the way he did was pretty remarkable. And then wait a year to talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it was very poetic and then it was like his next special. It was like, I think it was the opening of the next one hour special he did,

was talking about it. And he didn't hold back. He really, you know, he let him have it. So let's get to this. I had some things I wanted to ask you about. You've got this special called This Just Hit Me, and I've seen you do the routine of the comedy seller, and I've seen you change it

over time a little bit. It's evolved. Right. And so, I mean, just give people the nuts and bolts of the story. You're in New York. Well, it was in L.A. Oh, it was in L.A. That's right. And I don't really tell this story in the special, actually.

It's kind of like the special picks up at the accident but it was at the end of COVID and I was my first one of my first gigs back I had a corporate gig in Hawaii how much I don't remember decent money but I didn't care because I was just working yeah I didn't care I was like we're finally back yeah and this gig was hard I remember the show was tough anyway but I was happy I was in Hawaii working whatever 10 grand probably something like yeah I don't know That's pretty sweet. And you get to go to Hawaii. Like I said, at that time, it was like whatever.

Maybe it wasn't that much even, but it was like enough where I'm like, I'm happy to just work. I missed planes. I used to, I missed airports. I missed all of it. Everything. It's crazy, right? So I'm really happy. And then I land in LAX and I get an alert on my phone.

My phone says you've been exposed to COVID. Remember all this? Yes, your phone would. tell you things. Really? Yes, I got an alert on my phone. Were you exposed on a flight over there or something? Who knows?

But, you know, I think it was probably at this event. I think some other people got sick. It was during Omicron. Do you remember that when it was the Omicron variant? Oh, that's right. And it was like everybody kind of went back and then everybody. So I waited a long, long time. And like, and this was one of the first things I did.

Maybe the first. I don't even remember. but so I walk to the hotel and I take a test at the hotel and it's positive and at this time it's still 10 days so I'm in the hotel for 10 days so you were supposed to get on a connecting flight and just go home I was supposed to yeah go to visit my family to be in Idaho for the holidays it was right before the holidays yeah and so my first day out I had minimal symptoms but I My first day out was January 1, and I watched the ball drop. So you were alone in a hotel room for how long? Ten days. And who brought you food?

I ordered groceries, whatever. They had like, you know how it was at that time. We figured there was people like. Right. In that time, they actually had a, this was at an airport courtyard Marriott at LAX. Oof. And they had a, they had a robot that would bring deliveries to your door. Seriously?

Yeah. I've never really seen it before or since, but they had... So the Marriott had the robot, the delivery people would bring the food to the lobby, and then it would take it to your room. Yeah. And it would just show up at your door, and I don't know, maybe you got an alert on your phone or something. I can't remember how it let you know. It was very weird.

You opened the door, this weird friendly robot. You're like, can I talk to anybody? Like, can I just, you know? Just that little bit of eye contact would have been so nice at that time. nice at that time. Right. So I watched the ball drop New Year's Eve on TV. I was celebrating my little party because I'd been in there 10 days.

I ate an entire pizza by myself. And then I was just in my head like, I just want to get out of here in the morning. I had a car reservation because flying was crazy. And I thought, I'm just going to walk. It was kind of COVID thinking. But you were going to drive from L.A. to Idaho. Okay. Because flying was crazy.

Right, right. And even getting a car reservation was crazy. Yep. And so, um, I thought there's not going to be people there. This place is open 24 hours. I'm awake. I'm just going to walk.

It was a 10-minute walk. I was so happy. I hit the button at this intersection, watched the light turn. I started walking, and I just felt the impact. Didn't see or hear anything. This guy ran a light, making a left.

I now know. It was a bus. It was a hotel shuttle bus. Okay. Which you should have been on, by the way. The irony, the cruel irony. Yes, right? So, yeah, that's what happened.

And then I stood up immediately. It tossed me. I don't know how far. It would have been funny if you then got hit by the plane you didn't take. I just can't get anywhere. I should have taken the bus on the plane. The plane is so much worse. So you knock down.

And then I got hit by a bike. You're unconscious. I mean, yeah. And then this kid on a scooter. It was like relentless Stewardess came and beat the shit out of me I'm like I don't even know you Should have taken the flight

Yeah And so then I'm you know I remember it all from there And the rest is kind of in the special But it was I got a titanium plate In my arm here and 10 broken ribs Pungured lung and whatever Is there trauma from that when you cross the street now?

I did for a while It was like pretty weird for me to cross the street for a bit. I still, you know, still deep in the back there every time I cross the street. But the thing that's, has weirded me out the most over time is driving, actually. Yeah. Because I think it's just like, when something happens, you realize, wow, everything's out of control all the time. And when you're driving, if you have that sense, you're like, this is crazy. Yeah. We're all flying down the freeway. We're up. You're going 70 miles an hour and you're literally three feet from another car going 70.

And if you have that mindset, you're like, this is nuts. And I was really scared of driving for a while. Even like my mom would get in the car and I'd just be like, please, please drive safe. You know, it was like, and I still have that. I avoid, I like driving. But if I, if I'm going to take a four hour drive, I think about it. Well, and the really hard part is I know living in New York, you drive an airport shuttle bus. like that's your car you know just like again the irony it is pretty uh impractical for one thing

it is parking it's a nightmare yeah yeah i should get rid of it i don't know why i've kept it no but if like you're going maybe you're going over to the stand from the cellar and there's a bunch of comics that are heading over there it's kind of hard to get rid of it because everybody knows that i got it it's available right you know and they kick in for gas they try yeah i like that my name's on the side of it. That's fun. Oh, yeah, that's pretty cool. You know, it's hard to sell. It's hard to find another guy with, you know, who wants to buy that. Right. And so I don't know, I've just held on to it. When I was a teenager, there was a, uh, a hearse for sale. Uh, one of the funeral homes was selling a old horse and me and my friend sneaky Pete were like, oh,

we're buying that. Yeah. It was black. Sneaky Pete. We're putting, we're putting skull and crossbones on the hood, putting a mattress in the back. Yes, dude. And we're going to have the death mobile. And I had the money because I was a caddy, and I'd been saving up all my money. Sneaky Pete was a caddy too. Wow. And I sat down with my parents at dinner, and I said, big news, I'm buying a hearse.

And then my father goes, where are you going to park it? And I was like, here? He's like, no. You're not parking within five blocks of this house. So I bought a Volkswagen Rabbit. There you go. Yeah. I had a Volkswagen Beetle was my first car.

Did you really? Yeah, 1972 Volkswagen Beetle. I bought it for 600 bucks. How was that in the snow? I really didn't drive it much in the winter because we have pretty harsh winters. I was going to say, yeah. But they famously do okay in the snow because the engine's in the back. Right.

All the way it is in the back. And it's front wheel drive, right? No. Oh, it's not. Yeah. Yeah, that's not good in the snow. It's not great. But it's better than you think.

Right. Those are fun. Yeah. Is it a stick shift? Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. I think they're all stick shift. I guess so, yeah.

Yeah. Air cooled, 1,600cc. Explain to people how the heat works in a Volkswagen. Well, if it works, it's just, it comes straight off the engine. Yep. But it has to come from the back all the way through the bottom of the floor pan and floor. boards and you got this big slider thing, you open everything up and just hope you get some heat off of that. Exactly. So you don't get heat until you've been driving for 10 minutes until the engine

warms up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not great. Also, some of them had the levers were actually next to the seat. They weren't even on the dashboard. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. I think I did have that. It was like just a lever. There was no temperature control. It was just on or off. Right. With one lever. Yeah. That's right. Yeah.

The lever by the seat. Yeah. They were great. In the summer, you got those fly windows that could open up. Oh, yeah. Those were great. Yeah. And, yeah, it was fun.

Good gas mileage. Yeah, pretty good. And also, just knowing that Hitler invented it. It just makes you feel like you're doing the right thing, driving down the street, you know? Yeah. Yeah, it's a kid in Idaho. Yeah, right. It must have been a very popular car.

People usually wave at the car, and now they're throwing their arm up at you. That is a tough thing about Idaho, too, is what that's what it's really known for. That's more northern Idaho. I'm from southern Idaho, but people do associate it. Yeah. Yeah. And it is funny when I go, like, I was in Sun Valley one time, and I was just like, this is maybe the most beautiful place I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, that's nice.

I was there for like three days, and I realized I didn't see a single black person. I didn't see a Latino person. And I was like, I can't do it. Yeah. Can't live here. Because if I kept telling people how great it was, they'd be like, yeah, that sounds kind of racist. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. Sun Valley's like, I mean, it's like its own little country within the, you know, those cities that is like, it's like Aspen or something like that.

Yeah, right. It's like Monaco within Europe or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything like anything else. I did it and it was a benefit for like the Boys and Girls Club of Sun Valley, Idaho. And I'm like, do they need a benefit? Yeah, what did we need here? And so they had a private jet to take the comedians to the –

And it's like, how much money are we raising here? They got a private jet for – That's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we get on the plane, and it's me and Jackie Flanin and another comic. And you're not going to believe this. The other guy was the actor. I wish I could remember his name.

He was the guy in airplane who was the pilot, who was the guy having the nervous breakdown. Wow. Yeah, what's his name? I can't remember either. Anyway, he's on the plane. And we're talking to him, and he loves talking about airplane and the Zucker brothers and all that. And then the pilot comes back to say hi to us. And then he goes, you're the guy.

He's like, yeah. And he goes, you know what the irony is? He goes, I say irony a lot in this podcast. Should we just name this one irony? I'm a pilot. I have a pilot license. So the pilot goes, you want to fly the plane? And me and Jack are like, no.

No, please. The guy who sweats. And so he flew the plane. The guy from airplane flew your plane. Yeah, most of the, what is it? Robert Hayes. Robert Hayes. I mean, you have to say irony.

I guess so. That is irony. That is like the definition of irony. That's wild. Yeah. I know I think if the plane got in trouble and he saved us and saved the day, then I think it would be irony. Oh.

I think just flying it wrong. Oh, I feel dumb. I don't know. I mean, there was that song, isn't it ironic by Alanis Morissette? And people complained that it wasn't, she wasn't using irony correctly. Oh, really? The irony being she wasn't using irony correctly in the song. Maybe I don't.

Maybe I'm... Well, she says... I think I'm smart, but I'm not... Rain on your wedding day is not irony. It's just bad weather. It's a shame. Right. Okay.

But this guy is... This is not ironic that the pilot from airplane was flying your airplane? No, it's happenstance. But if there's an action that happens... Okay. That runs parallel... It's almost like it has to run parallel and against it at the same... same time. It has to be the same situation, but with a different outcome. Okay. And unintended outcome. So

what's the other example in the sun? Rain on your wedding day. A black flying charitney is just it's just flying charonet. Okay. It's not, there's nothing ironic about it. Isn't it ironic? Yes. Well, that makes sense. Okay. Well, this is why I do comedy and don't explain comedy. It's so. Exactly Yeah That's why I don't teach comedy Yeah Yeah

I know All right Let's get to the The final thing we do in the show And then I'm going to let you go Because I know you're doing a lot of podcasts No problem He did Ryan, so who else you're doing in town

I'm doing I did Jimmy Pardo Oh that's fun Yeah that was fun So fast Yeah so fun And his character is just so ridiculous Yes

He's the best Yeah yeah I've known him for a long time, but not real close. But yeah, that was fun. And I'm doing Andrew Santino tomorrow. Oh, that's a big one. Yeah?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I mean, I'm sure. They all feel big to me, and they give them all at all. You're going to get the most attention from this one? Right. Sure. That's what I assumed.

Ironically, you'll get the most attention from this one. I'm never using that word again. This is called Fastballs with Fits. Okay. Who's the worst opener you ever had? Oh, gosh. I don't even know their names. No, I don't want their names.

Okay. I had a guy one time. This just comes to mind real fast. I have this hot air balloon joke that is like one of my go-to. Like if people go, if they request a joke, that's it. It's about going on a date on a hot air balloon. And this guy came to open. for me and he was like hey everybody says i have a hot air balloon joke but it's not like yours but i want

you to see it and i'm like he goes i want to do it and i go do whatever you want knock yourself out but i knew it was not going to be well and he goes up and were you currently doing the joke at the time it had already been released on my special so you weren't doing it any longer no but people associated you with it right right right it was your hot pockets for jim gaffir yes yeah this is a crazy story. So the guy goes up and I'm watching him from the back and he starts getting into it. And his joke, it usually kills. And it's there, the audience knows like, this is weird. Yeah. And he starts stuttering and he starts not like delivering it well. And he starts sweating because we all get that place like something's wrong. But he knows what's wrong. And he looks down and there's a

woman in the front row apparently. I mean, I saw her after I got up who had a t-shirt on this. No way. That said, I'm here for the hot air balloon. No way. The irony. I don't know. I don't know. But it was funny. I know that. That literally is irony. I'm so glad we got that story. Because her intention was to show you that she loves that bit of yours and then the other comedian. Same circumstance, but it's counter to what your... How appropriate is this that the universe works? This is amazing. Wow. We are on brand today. Not that one. Have you ever won any awards? I've won some awards.

Nothing. I was the America's next great comic for Sierra Mist in 2005. It was the first online competition I'd ever heard of in my life. I haven't even heard of Sierra Mist. It's a soda that used to be seven up. And it became Sierra Miss. Really? I think.

Yeah. And now I think it's gone. on. Yeah. But I won like a year supply of Sierra Miss. No, you did it. Yes. And I also went on tour of hosting at all the improvs. Oh, that's pretty sweet. It was like I really annoyed the headliners because it was like some brand deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they'd show up and there'd be these two inflatable bottles of Sierra Mist on stage. And the headliners, like, what is going on? And he's not making any more money for it. No, he's getting nothing. And I have to go to radio. And sometimes he's also on the radio and I have to say Sierra missed.

No. Yeah, they're like tracking how often I say it. What? I can only drink, I think it was whatever Coke or Pepsi products. Like I have to drink that specific water. Were you paid like a salary for doing this? I got, uh, I think I got 900 bucks a week, but I didn't get travel out of that and I had to travel to all these places.

Oh, that included your, your hosting money? Yeah, I think so. I think I got hotels and I made 900 bucks. and I had to buy flights, and I, yeah, that's what I got paid. And it was like this big deal, like, you're going to get into all these clubs, everybody's going to see you. Yeah. No. No.

No. Jesus. Yeah, but I won that. It was like it. Which is really ironic because a lot of kids, when they get into comedy, dream about the Sierra Mist tour. You know, you think about getting on Letterman. Right. An HBO special.

I thought it was satirical more than ironic. Oh, okay. I don't know the definition of either of these words. Well, satire is often confused with parody. Right. And the difference is parody is imitating something, and satire is attacking the kind of essence of something. Wow.

I'm glad we had this conversation. What's the close to you got to a fist fight on stage? On stage? I remember this show, this guy He kept How did this happen? I don't even remember He kept saying something

He got real belligerent It was in this real weird bar In like a North Carolina Beach town I can't even remember the name of this club I was doing it Because I was on vacation

It was really weird And I remember getting the mic Stand up and been like Really? Don't come up here, man Whoa! Yeah And did the bounces come up

I don't think there were bounces. No. It's just some drunk idiot who left. But, you know, it was just like I was like ready to go. Yeah, yeah. He felt like he wanted to go. There is a certain beauty to a mic stand as a weapon on stage. It's like it's serving a couple of, it's holding the mic down.

But it does need to be that heavy. No. That's the protection part of the mic stand. I've never thought about that. It's true. You don't want to get hit with the bottom part of that mic stand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's really a perfect.

It's keeping them away, and you can also knock him unconscious with it. And then finish the set, put the mic back in. You get your hands free in case he comes back up again. Right. What an ironic piece of equipment that is. It is ironic. And satirical. It's satirical.

Finally, what is the hackiest bit that you've ever done? Boy, what's the hackiest bit I've ever done? I mean, everything. I'm so observational and broad. It's like every time I come up and I go, somebody's talking about this. Yeah. And I try to do it in my own way.

Certainly not the bus stuff. I don't think I've heard that before. The hackiest bit, I don't know. That's hard. But I have stuff. I mean, just watch my act. I can't even pull something out right now. I don't know.

Well, we can't end on that then. Sorry. Can you edit that out? That was awful. That's a tough question. Well, no, most people immediately come up with something. Really? I mean, bits that, like, I did a bit, the first time I did Letterman, I did a bit that I closed with,

and it was actually a perfect set until I hacked it up because I was so afraid I wouldn't be closing strong that I put it in. Okay. And it makes my skin crawl when I think about the bit. Really? Yeah. I mean, I just did the Tonight Show, and I just did the Tonight Show, and I just did, I did an airplane bit, which is dangerous.

I did a bit about a kid in first class and how we shouldn't have children in first class. And it felt a little on the edge. That's pretty hacky. That's pretty hacky, right? But I'm a big fan of airplane jokes because it's where we write half our material. We're on our way to the gig, and we're like,

shit, I don't have any new material to start writing. If you can do something original in an area that's been done a million times, it's almost better because it's like, look what he did. Absolutely. I never saw that angle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

No, I have jokes about my hotel room. I have jokes about even when I had kids. Like my first kid, somebody goes, I'm not going to say his name, but this comic in New York I'll tell you after the show, and you'll be like, yeah. He's like, oh, you're the comic that's going to talk about his kids now? And I was like, no, I'm going to continue to be the comic that talks about his life in a real way.

That's all. What do you want from me? Yeah, right. I always feel like I want a family because I need to run. relate to my audience. You know what I mean? You thought of adopting? It's a good call. Maybe I should have done. Because some races are funnier than others.

Oh. You know, if you got a Guatemalan kid, that's a funny, it just sounds funny. Right. And me with a Guatemalan kid. Oh, my God. It's like the sitcom's half done. It's halfway done. Yeah. It's not a bad idea. After the Joanna Bexon training, you're ready. All right. So the last one I'll ask you that. is when's the last time you sincerely apologize to somebody?

Oh, I apologize all the time. I feel like I over-apologize. I apologized to... Oh, boy. I'm constantly apologizing. Really? Yeah, I'm just like a guy. Sometimes people go, you didn't need to say that.

And I do it for me, because I'm like, I just want to know. Are you hard on yourself? Is that what it is? Yeah, I'm pretty hard on myself. And if there's any question, then I just want to go. I'd rather overdo it than underdo it. Is there anything on this podcast that you'd like to apologize to me about? Getting here early?

I do feel a little guilty about that. Even texting you, I was like, this is not on Craig. Did you text me? Yeah. Oh, I didn't get it. Oh, okay. But I do think that showing up early is bad form. That early.

Yeah, I think three or four minutes is okay, but you were like 15 minutes early. I was half an hour early. No, you weren't. He was here for half an hour? He was having chimi chiri. Oh, my God. I just came straight here from the other thing because why not? No, I get it.

And I texted you and I said, hey, if you want to go early, I'm here, but we can go at any time. Let me say, because I was at a golf lesson. Okay. And then I stupidly, oh, here it is. Hey, Greg, it's Ryan Hamilton. I'm running early if you want to go. But 1 o'clock is still great. No, it's, yeah, it's still great. It was always great. It was the time. You show up at 1 o'clock for 1 o'clock interview. Because then I walk in, I felt like I was late because you were here and I wasn't. I was 15 minutes early. Exactly. But there's part of me as I was texting, I don't mind waiting. But maybe there's a world where you, you. want to get this done early. Yeah. And just in case. Right, right, right. But I would have sent the text and then not come to the studio until I heard back on the text. Well, I just sat outside. That's what I did. But you were, oh, you got it? I don't know why they, I don't know how they knew I here. I thought

you told them that I was here. I was to recognize. I saw you and it was so hot outside. It was hot. That's true. It's hot as hell and I wanted you to wait on the street. I apologize. That's okay. I apologize for. for being early. Well, that's ironic because... Thank you, my friend. This was fun. Yeah, this was really fun.

I hope I had to... Oh, and I'm sorry. The special, don't forget, this just hit me, is on Netflix. It came out a few weeks ago. And it's really strong. I mean, you really are one of the... I mean, I look at New York, and I hate to say it because I'm an L.A. comic,

but there's so many more really strong comics because just the amount of stage time in New York, and I think the people that you watch, You know, I've seen you grow over the life. I've only known you probably four or five years I've seen you work in. You just keep getting better. So congrats. Thanks.

That means a lot. I appreciate that, Greg. Thank you. And if you want to see him live, he'll be in Des Moines, Elmont, New York, Newark, Cincinnati. Elmont, Newark are with date. Those are opening dates. Oh, okay. The club dates are Cincinnati at the Funny Bone, Omaha, Irvine, Toronto, and, and, and,

Toronto, Athens, Boston, San Francisco, Tempe. If you want to get tickets, you just go to Ryanhamilton.com. Ryan HamiltonLive.com. Oh, Ryan Hamilton Live. They'll find it. Okay, great, great, great. And then also when he dies, if you want to read about him, Ryan Hamilton dead.com. That's also true.

Yeah, yeah. It's great that you got that in advance. I just, I'm prepared. I get places early. Perfect.