Fitzdog Radio - Steph Tolev - Episode 1099

Episode Date: June 4, 2025

Bill Burr produced her 1st special and this is her first of many stops by Fitzdog Radio. Hilarious Canadian Steph Tolev joins me in studio.Follow Steph Tolev on Instagram @stephtolevWatch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMeAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Welcome to Fitts Dogg Radio. My guest today is Steph Tolev, who is Canadian. She's one of the a lot of funny Canadians lately. They're kind of hitting their stride. For a long time, Canada was all about sketch comedy and improv, second city up there and all that. But then, and they've always had standup. That's always been very good. Obviously, Norm MacDonald came out of there. But there's kind of a bunch of people now, Ian Bagg and Steph Tolev and Harlan Williams that have been around for a while,

but are kind of all hitting their stride. There's a Canadian renaissance, as Bono would say. And it's exciting, because they're all good people. Canadians are so easy to be around. They don't have big egos. They are silly. All of these comedians have a silliness to them that I like.

So yes, we got some of that today. Harlan and Ian, I've both had in the past year. And then I've got Robbie Hoffman on. She was just on, she's Canadian, Jesus. Leave some fucking room for the Americans. All right, let's get to it. Elon Musk is on drugs. I don't know how we missed that one. The guy is, he's autistic and on drugs.

Let's task him with firing tens of thousands task him with firing tens of thousands of highly trained doctors, scientists with the help of three kids in their 20s. How about that? How do we not know he was on drugs? I mean, look at that fucking Tesla truck that's where they call it a cyber truck whatever that thing is called you have got to be on ketamine to come up with that body

type that thing screams douche every license plate on there should just be douche one douche two all the way up to douche however many idiots bought that fucking truck it's awful and it breaks down so uh and i and but they're fucking fast and they're they're annoying because they'll pop out of nowhere because they're so fast and it's like the speed of light and uh you're making a right hand turn on a red light and you're almost get sideswiped by some. I saw a guy driving one on the highway. I don't know where you live, but if you live in a city, maybe even on a country road, but in a city, you get these five lane highways and late at night,

you get these people in sports cars or Tesla trucks and they drive, like they're driving 120 miles an hour at these people in sports cars or Tesla trucks, and they drive, like they're driving 120 miles an hour and they are darting in and out of traffic, cutting everybody off. And then you see one, you see a Corvette or a Ferrari go by, and then three seconds later, you see a fucking Dodge Challenger come by doing the same thing and you always go like what was that then there'll be a third

car and you go do they know each other or does one of them speed by and the other one takes it as a challenge and goes, well, I guess it's douchebag night on the 10 East. I'm in, I'm in. Maybe they try to catch each other, they try to show off, they're inspired. But there's always multiple assholes driving their cars too fast on the highway. And I remember once when I was in high school,

there was this kid, what was his name? His first name was Pat. He was fat, called him Fat Pat. And he had a 68 Cougar, which was a fast muscle car. He had it all jacked up, had a scoop on the hood, hearst on the floor, dual exhaust, fast. Anyway, it's a little drizzling out and we're driving ironically past the hospital

and this guy is darting in and out of traffic, flies by me and then loses his traction, goes into the other lane and hits a car head on, going probably, this was just a two lane road, but he was probably going 60 and totaled the other car. And I didn't stop. So I don't know if anyone died. I know Pat was all fucked up from it.

I don't know how the other car was, but come on people, stop. I mean, I got a Mustang now. I drive it fast, but I never, I wait until I'm on like, you know, the five north at one in the morning coming from San Diego and there's literally zero people on the road. Then I'll gun it, then I'll get it up to 110.

It was just stupid. But I don't even notice I'm doing it. The car is so fast that it just gets up there. But it's a big, you know, I think it's an LA thing. It's a car town. And we have maybe the best cars in the country, I would say, in terms of, I'm a muscle car guy. I like old, I like it.

I saw an El Camino yesterday. Those are pretty bad ass, but you know, Mustangs and Camaros and you know, Barracudas. And we have a lot of those cars in pristine shape in this town. You know, a lot of it, and we lot of like 57 Chevy Impalas, that's a big thing with the Latino community. And Venice Beach has a thing on Sundays

where they all kind of meet up in different places like Abbot Kinney or down at the beach. And they've got these, you know, with the jacked up suspension in the back where they can bounce up and down. But they're not all that jacked up. A lot of them are just pristine cars. And I had a 69 Chevy Impala, but I think these are 67s,

which was definitely more elegant body type than the 69. It was a little more of a muscle car. And, but I love it. I fucking, and I love the Chicanos in LA. Like I talk, I went a little rant about how I love LA the other day and I have a couple of the thoughts on that. You know, I think our Chicanos are better than your Latinos. And we get the best Mexicans. Let's just put it on the table. They come through here first. And they they they fucking work their asses off and they raise families and we are very close friends with first, second, third generation Latinos. My kids went to a Spanish immersion school.

So half the kids, literally they make sure half the kids are from Spanish speaking homes. And they're just the tightest families. They have the most fucking joyous sense of humor. Not that I'm categorizing an entire race, but I can. I can. This was my experience. And it's a big part of LA.

It's what makes it great. It's what drives the economy. And the other thing we have in LA is the best pimps and whores. I talked about the Kardashians. We have the best whores. We have Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. And we got the best pimps.

Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg is our pimp. Snoop Dogg with the fucking, the cane, what do you call the cane? With scotch in the handle. Guys in zoot suits. Snoop Dogg's our, who's your pimp? Some methed out biker?

Running a jack shack on a side street in Tuscaloosa That's your pimp we had I want to see you guys make your own TV as much as you hate, California you watch our Shit, we write it we produce it we act in it. We edit it We put it out you watch it and then you boo California when I'm on the road are you you fucking kidding? Make your own TV show. I wanna see CSI Dayton produced by Dayton people. Do it and then put it out. Let's see who watches.

Let's see who watches, you know, what crime are you gonna show? This Janine who used to be the prom queen and now she's giving out hand jobs for a line of Coke at Pete's Saloon, getting arrested week after week, that's your CSI. Who cares? We give you guys all your TV, we gave you Tinder,

we gave you marijuana, video games. So, you know, the next time you meet a girl on Tinder, go to a movie, watch a movie, smoke some weed while you're there, come back and watch a video game, or some porn, we do that too, why don't you drop us a little thank you note? Just write Hollywood, California, thank you.

Drop it in the mailbox. Navy SEALs, that's us. You guys want to talk about how you're tough? We got the fucking Navy Seals. And they come back from the Middle East with stories, war stories about taking out a fucking warlord in Syria. And they come back and they tell that story to their friend who's a screenwriter He writes it up. We shoot it. We put it out on Hulu you watch it That's all us You know and you want to talk about the

Homeless so we have a lot of homeless. It's your kids your kids coming out here they're watching American Idol and Simon Cowell and and Who I don't know who else is a judge on that Ariana Grande who cares, but they're all encouraging your kids to follow their dreams So your kid gets on a Greyhound because he thinks he can sing and he comes out here And he goes up in front of Simon Cowell and Simon goes, well, you suck, you're no good. And now you're just, now you're homeless. You can't make any fucking money because you have no depth.

You lived with no grit in your life. You're not an artist. You're a karaoke singer. And now you can't make a living and now you're homeless. That's, we have homeless? No, you have homeless who happen to be living on our fucking streets. Get in your minivan, parents back in date,

get in your minivan, pop in a Bob Seger CD, drive out here, start checking under the bridges first, look for a tent, find your kid, pry the limp dick out of his hand and bring them back to Dayton because we used him up. You sent him out here, we vaporized his dream and we put it into a vape pen that Alec Baldwin takes hits off of constantly and that's what keeps his career going. The vaporized hopes and dreams of your children. Wow, that got fucking dark.

I got a bunch more. I mean, sure, we burst into flame once in a while, but we're good looking. Not me personally, but I get to look at a lot of good looking people. And then I go to your town. I go to fucking Tempe, Arizona. And it's just, your girls are kind of good looking, but they all look the same.

They all have blonde hair and fake tits, and they're tan. And I see them walking home from the bar at 2 a.m., wobbling on high heeled shoes that make them uncomfortable, they're wobbling. And a couple of them have the fucking shoes off. They take the shoes off, which to me is like, all right, that's like, you're out. You're out of the game. Guys, do not hit on a girl whose shoes are in her hand.

That's like being in a paintball game and you see somebody splattered with paintballs on his shirt, you can't shoot that guy again. He's just trying to walk out of the game. That's all she's trying to do. She's trying to get off the playing field, get back to her dorm room or her apartment and whatever. She's red-shirted. She's a she's a sophomore that's injured and she's red-shirted. She can't play in the games. She's barefoot. It's over. Meanwhile, you see a guy barefoot at 2 a.m. That guy wants to fuck. That's it. That's a sign. This is this is a mountain man. This is a guy who's he wants to feel the ground under

him. You never see a guy holding his timberlands at 2 a.m. walking off my feet are killing me. You don't see that. By the way, shout out to Bono and Joe Rogan did a very interesting podcast together. Some different points of view. Talked a lot about America's role in the world, specifically helping with world hunger and disease and being a beacon for hope and democracy around the world. And Bono was sort of imparting that to Joe. Joe said the word overcorrection quite a bit, which I liked. I think that's probably a good way to distill a lot of what's happening right now. But the thing is you can watch a lot of clips of Joe Rogan saying stuff and it's easy to dismiss him and say this is a guy is a conspiracy right-winger and all that and look there's a lot of stuff I

don't agree with him on but if you listen to a whole podcast you know look full disclosure Joe's one of my best friends but he's also a guy who really knows how to communicate and have conversation and he has deep thoughts. He has well thought out ideas. And anyway, so, just watch a whole episode once in a while. Anyway, I'm coming to you folks,

Tampa SideSplitters Comedy Club this weekend, June 5th through the 7th come out bring some friends it's one of my favorite clubs in the country Sacramento I will be with Louis CK June 13th and 14th then I'll be in Torrance California at a place called the end on June 29th Austin the mothership 4th of July weekend Pottstown PA at Soul Joles July 31st Point Pleasant New Jersey Uncle Vinny's August 1st through 2nd then I'll be in La Jolla Denver Connecticut Vegas Chicago New Orleans go to FittsDog.com

pick up the tickets come out and see some live comedy all right my guest today I mentioned earlier she's a fine comic who just destroys at the Comedy Store every night. It feels like she's there every night just always has good sets. She is out of Toronto and she's Bulgarian. She did competitive Highland dance for a lot of her life. Bilbo produced her first special Friends Who Kill. She's got a podcast called Steph Infection and she is delightful. Had such a nice time talking to her this past week. Here is Steph Tolev.

People say Tolev or To-lawv? Tolev, you said it correctly the first time. I did, right. But do people mispronounce it on stage sometimes? Yes! It doesn't make any sense. I did, right. But do people mispronounce it on stage sometimes? Yes! It doesn't make any sense. It's so easy. Toe Lev.

It's exactly what it's called. These are few because you're fucking from some Eastern European tribe from Romania or something. I wouldn't say Flips Glimmons, it's Fitzsimmons. You know how you say your name. It's spelled that way. Yeah, but black people always think that my name, when I'm checking into the hotel and it's a black person, which it usually is, I'll say checking in Fitzsimmons.

They 99% of the time try to find Simmons because Simmons is a big name in the black community. And the Fitz is soft. You gotta say Fitz Simmons. That's what I do, I go Fitz and I take a pause, Simmons. Okay, really? Yeah, but it's hard dealing with black people in general. Is that what this podcast is about?

I think I- Yeah, this is the kind of podcast we do. I'm glad I was late, Jesus Christ. We're running this green screen, we run all kinds of white power symbols back here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, jeez. You have horns on you. Oh my. Yeah. Oh God, this is,

I was literally just saying how much I love Greg. You're so funny. He's a nice guy. I was wildly wrong. No, I did a podcast recently with a guy who pulled that on me and I was like, and I just completely shut myself down. I barely talked. Were you in Austin?

No, it was here. I'll tell you how to the show it was. And he was booked to be on my show the next month. And I canceled. Yeah, I've only canceled one podcast. Really? I said, well, no, of my own. I said, I go, there was technical difficulty.

Yeah. I canceled one that I recorded I canceled. Oh, it was recorded? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't have. I was like, this is, I canceled. Oh, it was recorded? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't have, I was like, this is not for me. A lot of like child molestation jokes. I'm like, I don't like this at all. No, nobody likes child molestation.

Well, that's not true. There would be no child molestation. Yeah, the people doing it like it. Yeah, yeah, they love it. They are obsessed with it. Louis CK has this whole bit about how he did on SNL. He's like, it must be so great because everything they put up with,

all the pariahs in society, they go to jail and they still do it, it must be amazing. On SNL he did that? I didn't even know that. Dude, Louis CK, and I don't know how you feel. I know there's a lot of female comics that feel otherwise, but he is the best comedian of the last 20 years. Over a tell?

A tell is the best club comedian. Louie is the best special comedian, TV specials. I don't think I've ever watched one. Yeah. I don't watch those specials. My thing with Louie is, look, I've been in hotel rooms with male comedians at that hour. Yeah. I don't watch those specials. Yeah, my thing with Louis is, look, I've been in hotel rooms with male comedians at that hour.

Yeah. You're going to see a dick. You got to get out. You're going to see a dick. You got to get out. You don't go past, nothing is right. You're right. But I'm saying one time this happened to me in Moncton at this festival, and this guy,

me and my friend drinking, and he laughs, he goes, you want to come to staff? I'm like, I'm good. Second of all, this guy's like, what is he, my cock on my phone? And I'm like, I should have left. Wait, who did that? This comic in Moncton. Oh, I thought his name was Moncton. No, Moncton was the play.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, it was disgusting, it looked like so wet. I was like, why is it wet? This is bizarre. We used to do a thing, me and another comedian, I won't say his name, but he's a great guy and he's got a clean cut image. America's Got Talent guy. Okay. And we used when we're starting out in Boston. Preacher Lawson. What's that? Preacher Lawson. No, Preacher's been here.

And we went to, we'd go to parties and we had this running bet. We would both pull our cocks out of our fly, So just the shaft and head. Okay. And then whoever- That's the whole cock. Not the balls. Yeah, but yeah, just pulling your cock out. You consider the balls part of the shaft and head? Yeah, it's the cock.

That's like saying a fucking, what's that like saying? I don't know. When you say dick out, yeah, if you said dick and your balls came out, I'd be alarmed. That's like saying the pussy doesn't include the clitoris. Well it's on the top it has to. Well when you say pussy do you think clitoris is part of that? Yeah but when you say cock I just picture the penis the shafts in the head I don't picture the balls the balls are

separate. It's like the luggage you're carrying the luggage. How many vibrators do you have have you seen with balls on them? That's a good point. Although there's a rabbit ear, which is like a reverse ball. No, they're not. We do not look at those like balls. That's strange because, and I don't want to ask you this personally

because it's crass, but I think some women enjoy the slapping of the balls on the tape. Some do. So maybe there should be a loose ball thing on the vibrator. Well, those wouldn't sell well. There's very few women that like that. Well, it's detachable.

You don't have to use it. Like truck nuts. I guess you could just kind of like a truck. It's not exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is detachable. If you want them, you can put them on there. I think truck nuts started in Canada, by the way.

I think I want to get us on a truck nuts. Yeah. They're so stupid. They're so stupid. I want them dragging. I want them to be like sparks flying. I want them so us on a truck nuts. Yeah, so stupid. They're so stupid I want them dragging I want to be like sparks flying Yeah, so big that they're absurd and paste some hair on there make it real. Yeah Yeah, full fucking set of hair on there follicles and maybe a guy's high squealing voice coming out of a speaker in the back This is this is a marketing idea, yes, let's get on the ground floor of this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is our merch. This is our merch. I'm wearing my own merch right now. What is it? This is my own merch, Filth Queen. I'm wearing my own goddamn merch. Hey, but you can't read it.

You can't? There's too much going on. Really? I just looked at it, and I couldn't tell what it said. Well, you're looking a little too hard now, pervert. You're really taking it in. Like, I really can't read it. Can you come closer?

I really can't, what does it say? I'm actually having a hard time. I can't read it. You did it. My shirt's off. It's like, of course you can't read it. It's no longer on my body. And do those sell well, the film?

Yeah, they do. You bring them on the road with you? Yeah. Yeah, I stopped. It's so annoying. It's pathetic. Well here's the key is you sell pins. That's what I do. I have these little pins. I bring a bag that's this big with about 150 pins in it. I sell them all out over the course of the weekend and I don't have to check another bag. Selling them for what? I sell them for 10 bucks each. They cost me two. Okay, look at this. Wow, that's good.

And it's all cash. I don't take credit cards or Venmo. So I have a safe at home and I just stuff cash in it every weekend. And then when we have to buy something, we just bought a new fence for our house. We paid the guy cash. You bought a new car.

I'm absolutely pissed. We both were driving around in Subaru Outbacks and now I'm the only fucking Lesbo in the fucking lot now. I sold out the brand, I know. God, what the heck, Greg? I was all pumped. Right.

Pulled in this nice car. I'm like, who is this fucking idiot? Yeah, well, it's called a midlife crisis, Steph. You'll have it at some point. I think I already had a couple. I said, once we buy a car, 40. Are you 40? Thank you for that reaction. I honestly, I thought you were early 30s. Oh

Yeah, I wouldn't let you fucking suck me off right now. No Allow you it's the bit yours it's the it's the haircut I think yeah younger I remember your old hair. It was it was I saw why I saw a picture of it parted Yeah, it's parted and flat now you'd work in the bangs. Oh, we need the bangs. Well, that's why, that's why I look young. Do you curl it? Not, it's natural.

It's naturally curly. Oh, that's nice. And what about armpit hair? Have you ever worked with that at all? Or you'd always kept it? No, I tried to grow it out when I was in grade eight because I wanted to, I tried to be in the Guinness Book of Records for longest armpit hair.

Bizarre thing, I thought was funny. And then I ended up, we had pool class and I had to wear like a big t-shirt and I almost drowned one day. I'm like this is stupid. Like the fat person t-shirt is what I had to wear. Also so much people can grow it. I don't know why I thought that was what... I'm European so it grows quite rapidly. Yeah well what's your ethnicity? Bulgarian. Your parents are both from Bulgaria? No my grandparents are. My parents are both born in Canada But all right is both of their ethnicity. Well, you know, there's my dad. Oh, they're arranged marriage from Bulgaria Where's your mom from? It's Canada and her mom from Canada, but she's why was it arranged?

My grandparents were arranged marriage. Oh your grandparents were arranged. Is that bizarre? Did they love each other? No, they divorced like three kids and that was it. And that's unheard of to get divorced after being arranged. Right. Because that whole side of the family like, you're done. Like my mom out there like, bye. You fucked up. Really?

They don't talk to her. That was it. So how did she make a living after that? I don't know. Canada somehow just gives people money. Yeah, I know. I don't really understand what happened. She never worked a day in her life and she had a house. And I'm like, I can't even afford a house. And all I do is work. I'm dying over here. I know. I don't really understand what happened. I'm like, she never worked a day in her life and she had a house.

And I'm like, I can't even afford a house. And all I do is work. I'm back in here. I know, I know. I want a fence. I want to have midlife crisis fence money. Where's that? You can't afford a fucking house in the city. It's so unfair.

Disgusting. It's so unfair. My kids said that to me the other day. They're like, dad, we're never going to be able to buy a house. Like when you think about the average income has not gone up that much in the last 20 years,

and housing prices have tripled. How does that make sense? Two bedroom. And now, yeah, you end up with a two bedroom with a bath with a half a yard in it, and you're underwater. It's absurd. And the problem is now is 40% of all houses

that are coming on the market are being bought by corporations that then turn them into rentals. So that drives the prices of houses up even more. And it forces, you know, the American dream, no offense, I know you're Canadian, but like the American dream was you buy a house and you got a place to retire. You have equity you can borrow against if you're in a tough spot as an older person. And now we're all going to be just Walmart greeters paying rent for the rest of our lives.

You're going to have your kids living with you. What's going to happen? Well. Are they already living with you? Well, no, my son's out. My daughter's 21, so she's living. We have a guest house in the back, so she's got an apartment in the guest house. But she's looking to move out in the fall. That's nice though. I fucking love my kids being around. Oh my god I just hung out with my daughter all morning. She's the best. And then my son we play paddle tennis and golf together and we have family dinners on Sunday night he comes home every Sunday for dinner. Oh my god.

No I don't want them moving away. What an awesome life! But I mean, look at what other countries do. You live for three generations in the same house. We're the only country where people turn 21 or 18 and they move away. Then you have babies and their grandparents aren't near them to help raise them.

That's a problem. I know! It's a bummer. My family's still doing that in Canada. That's the Canadian dream, too. My sister's a kid. That's a problem. I know, it's a bummer. My family's still doing that in Canada. That's the Canadian dream too. Yeah. My sister's a kid, my parents love that. They live nearby? Oh yeah, 10 minutes away.

Oh, that's nice. I know, they do dinners together and I'm just like, hi, why's no one answering my calls? Yeah. Mommy, daddy, do you still love me? Oh. Why don't I get phone calls? Oh god.

Oh, I don't care. Is it just you and your sister? Yeah. Was she always the favorite? Yeah. And she's funnier than me, and it's so fucking annoying. It's so annoying. And she doesn't even care.

Like, she does. She knows she's funny, but she works for the city of Toronto. Like, I took her to just for last one year, years ago. And she came back. I couldn't find her fucking hour. I didn't hang out at the Hyatt Bar or whatever party. She has a stack of cards. And I'm like, what's that?

She goes, I don't know what the fuck these are. Manager, agent, manager, agent. I was like, she fucking works for the city of Toronto. She's killing. She's killing. Because she's treating them like dog shit. Making fun of everyone, like garbage piles. I was like, this is so funny.

Oh my God, that's great. I wish I had that attitude. Yeah, I was the favorite child growing up. How many of you was there? I had a brother who's 13 months old, we're Irish twins. And then my sister's three and a half years younger. And I was the funny one growing up. I was the middle child.

So I was the one that was kind of gregarious and, you know, alcoholic dad, but I made everything okay. I was able to play off of him. And then my sister fucking grinded her way into it and she started taking my mom in every summer because my mom lives in Florida, my sister's in New York but we're from New York. So my mom comes home for-

Upstate, where you said? No, Tarrytown, right? Tarrytown, okay, but you're close to, my boyfriend lives upstate, remember you guys knew the whole area. What town is he in? Romulus? Yeah, that's not Terry. No, we're we're we're 20 minutes from the city. That's like hours. Yeah

so She she puts her up And so now my sister's the favorite child and I'm trying to fight my way back in I fly down to Florida I visit her Wow, I send her giant bouquets on Mother's Day. And still nothing? Well, I'm getting there, but I feel like she still definitely has the edge. Okay.

And my brother's a, he's a long shot. Long shot. He's done. He doesn't care. I think he cares, but you know. It's too far gone. Yeah, yeah, it's gone. I whisked up a bit

because I think my parents think I'm famous. Yeah yeah so there's like a little gray area right now but then my sister had the baby and that's it now we're done yeah fame and baby no comparison nothing they don't know fucking shit i literally got a quote today from bill gave me for my special and i was so happy about it i cried i said it's in my group chat my mom went that's nice i'm like that's nice i'm like bill burrow just said i'm the. My mom went, that's nice. I'm like, that's nice. Like Bill Burrow just said I'm the funniest person ever and you said that's nice? What the fuck is this bullshit?

I'm like, you realize what this fucking says, asshole? That's nice. And he wore photos of the baby. I'm like, I'm gonna fucking snap. Yeah. I'm fucking chopped liver up there. I'm poutine to my parents. I'm fucking cheese and fries.

Yeah, slop. What about, is there a difference between dad and mom? Do they both feel the same about you? No they do. My dad's more proud of me. Yeah. Yeah. He actually. I can see that. The father being more like career. Yes. My mom, all her friends tell her that she could have been a comedian. Yeah. And that's really gotten her ahead. Yeah. So she thinks she's very funny. And she's always like, well, you know, if I didn't teach Highland dancing.

Yeah. I'm like, what, you would have grinded your ass out for 23 fucking years and moved to Los Angeles and wanted to kill yourself and drank excessively and fucked a bunch of gross pigs to get where you are? That's what you would have done, Joy? I don't fucking think so. You didn't fuck gross pigs to get to where you are.

No, no, no. I just meant like I just fucked a bunch of gross pigs. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish I fucked, the gross pig to get to where you are. No, no, no. I just meant like I just fucked a bunch of gross pigs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I wish I fucked the gross pig. I fucked open micers. Yeah, that was bad play. I should have been fucking Jeff Singer. I made a huge mistake.

I was fucking the wrong people. I fucked nobody in the industry. Not one person. Slobs, losers. You should have been in the back rooms of agency. I was nowhere. You should have been working as an intern at UTA. I was nowhere. Just sucking dick for lunch. I was sucking dick in the back of an alley after a Tinder

date. That's where I was. Mistakes were made. God. Yeah disgusting. So you're gross by your own definition right? You say filth. Yes. So but your parents you want them to love you more but how do don't really feel about your stand-up They like it now. Here's the problem They're fucking perverted. They act like this came out of nowhere Yeah one of my first memories of my parents when they first got this cottage they invited the neighbors over and All of a sudden this blow-up dog came out of nowhere and I walked out to my mom and dad both fake fucking this doll

And I'm like and I'm the pervert? When did I become the pervert here? Wow. My dad, okay, this is my dad's favorite joke. It's so psychotic. I just realized the weirdest. In his wallet, I can call him right now, I can prove it. In his fucking wallet, he has a picture, a baby photo.

He goes, oh, you wanna see my baby photo? He has this laminated photo of a baby with a huge penis. He shows it to everybody. He had it laminated. That's how much he loves this fucking bit. And people believe, I'm like, whose kid is this? Because now you just have someone, speaking of child stuff that's bad,

you have someone's kid, whose kid is this? With this fake long cock. And I'm like, and I'm the gross one. So it's like, let's not be judging. I had a feeling that that's where you came from. I had a feeling your parents had a dark sense of humor. Like of course they do.

Because that doesn't come out of nowhere. No, I'm also just a pervert. I've always been a pervert. I just think like a sick fuck. Yeah. You're no clean piece over here. I'm not clean at all. But what's so funny is people think of me as like, you know, family guy and all that. But you know, that came later. I mean, I was a fucking mad man my whole life. I never saw you like young doing stand-up.

Well, I, well, I just mean my life. Like, I wrote a book about it because I was so sick of people thinking I was one way when I really, so my book is all about how many times I was arrested and, you know, fucking skanks and doing drugs. I'll send it to you. I wanna read the book.

All right, you won't read it, comics don't read. I actually don't read, but I will read this. What are you reading now? There's a couple of books sitting on my night table that I haven't read a few of. Right, right. Now nobody reads anymore. People read, my boyfriend reads all the time.

He thinks I'm stupid because I don't read. Actually, right now I'm reading, I have a stack of cards, I'm reading the test for my citizenship. You're not a citizen yet? No, and I'm gonna fail. I am stupid. Don't fail now. I'm fucked.

This could be your last shot. I know, well this is where I get married. This is where I force it. What's his name, Jeff? Jefferson, yeah. So, wait a minute, how is it that you're, you've been here for how many years? Green card. Ten years.

You've been here for? Yeah, I've been. I have a green card for seven years. And why did you never take the test? I applied to be dual citizen because you can get your green card. You have to. That's that's a whole separate process. Right. So now to become a dual citizen. Yeah. Which I'm doing because people with green cards are being stopped at the border. Yes. All of a sudden, I'm terrified. I with green cards are being stopped at the border. Yes, all of a sudden

I'm terrified. I haven't gone back to Canada since that oh fucking freaked out Like people who have had green cards for years. They apparently are going through social media and if you've spoken Dude what are we living in what is this? I work so hard with that green card I'm like, I'm not giving this up. All right, so you gotta take the test. I have a test in two weeks, and I was testing myself last night.

I'm fucking dumb. I think we should test everybody in this country. There's no, there's a hundred questions. I have to memorize a hundred questions. All about the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Let me ask you a few. Oh, I'm fucked, go ahead. Not ahead not gonna know them okay who is the first president of the Continental Congress what's that's not in it oh yeah yeah I

was a George Washington what were the original 13 states oh I know I only have to pick one you only have to pick one I know them Massachusetts Georgia Georgia New York New Jersey Maine Maryland I'm missing a couple North and South Carolina and Rhode Island no missing two others Delaware and Virginia okay but I was big one yeah that. That's a lot. All right, that's good. OK. That's good. OK. OK.

What number president was Lincoln? No clue. I'm going to say 10. I have no idea. I think he was seventh. I made that up. I have no idea. Who assassinated Lincoln?

George Washington. George Washington. Is there like three names in my head that I keep saying that I wrote? Well, I think the thing is about like a naturalization. It's the same as when you play like trivia in a bar. It's like, if they say sports, say Babe Ruth, you're gonna be right like 40% of the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, if you say history rock and roll and you say Elvis, you're gonna be right 40% of the time. So George Washington, stick with that. That's the answer. How many, how many, whatever, whatever it comes to. I know 27 is a number of something. I just have that in my head. 1776, I have all these numbers floating around.

How many states are there? 52. How many are contiguous? I don't even know what contiguous means, so I don't know that answer. In the same continent. Oh, 40, 50. One.

I need you to be there. I keep joking and telling my boyfriend because he knows everything about the States, obviously. Also, we don't learn this in Canada. Not like that would make it better, but I want like a little thing in my ear. So I can the question is, sorry I have to read them all out, the question is, they got a little spy thing, a little spy ear thing. You get an AI thing in your ear. You just be like, hey Siri. If they hear you say hey Siri they'll know something's up.

Yeah, sorry it's my tick. Hey Siri, hey Siri Siri, Siri. This is good. This is very good. All right, let's play a game called rank them. Okay. You're going to rank things. There's no right or wrong way to rank them. You can rank them in any way you want. Okay. Really? I wrote it down somewhere.

Oh, here it is. Oilers, Canadians, Maple Leafs. Oh, fuck. The Leafs can suck my dick. They're so fucking bad. I can't even disgust them as a Torontonian. Fuck off. Every year they do this.

Oilers. I'm Oilers all the way. I'm changing everything I've ever believed in. The Leafs do this every year. I'm never going to see the Leafs win. Ever since I was a fucking baby 1967 I believe is the last time they fucking won a Stanley Cup. Yeah. Yeah They've been they have this as far as they've gotten in like what ten years? Yeah, and they fucking they blew it

They always blew it to Florida to of all place. How do you lose to a place that has palm trees? Unbelievable your Toronto. You're one of the original six teams. Do you know how fucking hardcore those Toronto fans are too? Oh yeah. They're unbelievable, they're crazy. Although you know what I appreciate is for a while you guys were booing the American national anthem, because you know they play both national anthems

at the beginning of the game. You guys, when the terrorists were starting, you booed and now they did not do that during the playoffs okay well we have some tact would you say oil is Canadians I guess I'd say oil is Canadians Leafs okay suck my fucking ass they're so bad that was rough it's rough watch it stresses me out Vancouver Toronto Montreal oh Vancouver to live and have a family Toronto cuz, because it's my hometown, Montreal only in the summer.

Montreal in the winter is fucking hell. Is it really? It's ice. It's so fucking cold. Is there like a lake effect going on up there? I don't know what's going on there. It's unbearable. Wow.

And the French are so rude to us. Yeah, they are. I'm like, I know you speak English. Yeah. We put all of your French on our signs. We tried to learn it as kids. I never picked up on it, but I'll be like, hi, they'll. I'm like, I know you speak English. Yeah. We put all of your French on our signs, we tried to learn it as kids, I never picked up on it, but I'll be like, hi, they'll go bonjour, I'm like hello,

they go, oh, hello! I'm like, what is your problem? I'm about to tip you fucking 30% in here, asshole. Right, also the French left. It's like getting divorced from a Mexican guy and then you still speak Spanish. You're like, excuse me. Yeah.

Bye. Yeah, adios. Also, we, whatever. I love Montreal, but I couldn't live there because there are. Love that comedy festival. How did they treat you? Cause I had Robbie Hoffman in yesterday. Horrendously, horrendously.

Yeah, that's what she was saying. They treat Canadians like dog shit. And I, it's so funny because I did the State of the Union speech, the Canadian version. Oh, you did? And I did it. And I said a lot of things. Yeah.

And I was very, I was like, my manager five times was like, I think you should read stuff speech first. Like, we're good. She's like, I'm telling you to read it. They didn't want to read it. I went through, I named names. I was like, I'm like, how many comics are here right now? How many Canadians are here right now?

Did she tell you about the grant situation? No. So apparently the Just For The Last Festival got a grant from the Canadian government in order to get money for the festival. And that grant stated that you're supposed to have at least 50% Canadian performers. Okay.

There's what, 20 every year maximum? Yeah, one of them's Mike McDonald. Yeah. Like, literally, he's dead now. Two, 300, do you know he died? Yeah, I did not know that. Kind of tragically, actually, I think. Oh, that's sad.

He was a great comic. Yeah, he was great. Yeah. The problem is, this is why I'm so pissed off about it, is because I think Canadian comics are amazing. Yeah. We fucking have to work so much damn hard to get here. You work hard.

We're fucked, because we can't get here. We need to get to the main card. Right, right, right. We need to do all this fucking bullshit. And even the clubs, she was saying that she had a very difficult time, not only with the club owners and bookers, but with the other comics as a female

and as somebody coming up. I don't know that she even said female. I think it was just that there was like a status quo that they were trying to hold on to. And there was not a lot of support going on. Well, female, especially in the two clubs in Toronto. Yeah. Yuck Yuck's an absolute comedy.

They barely approach women. Those two were fucking a nightmare to get into. I'm not in them. They're brutal. But I think she also started more in Montreal. Yeah. So the Toronto scene, the comics I came up with are super supportive and were nothing but supportive to me.

All right. So I can't agree with her on that, because all my guy friends were like nothing but fucking amazing. Who were they? Like Alex Pavone, Pat Bercher if you know him, he's in New York, Mark DeBonis, you don't know, he's so funny, he's a psychopath.

He's back in Toronto. Yeah, like Chris Robinson, he's a super funny guy. All these guys that were like so funny, but Chris Rock, Tim Gilbert, all these, you just met Jeff Paul, you just chose him. Jeff Paul I did at the Comedy Bar, which is a really great club up there. That's amazing.

Yeah, two clubs. Yeah, and that guy Gary, he was one of the first people that let me do anything I wanted. He let me and my sketch partner, Lady Stash, do wacky shit. Yeah. Lady Stash was the improv group you were in. Yeah, Lady Stash, do like wacky shit. Yeah. Yeah. Lady Stash was the improv group you were in.

Yeah, sketch, sketch, duo sketch. Sketch. Yeah, sketch comedy. Like a loose sketch. Yeah, so you guys would write new material pretty often or is it like a- Yeah, we did a monthly show called Lady Stash Gone Awhile.

And you always had new stuff. Uh-huh, oh yeah. No shits. We were good, we filmed the video, this is before people were filming videos. Wow. Every month we filmed the video with the host. Uh-huh. It was bizarre. But then we would do like new shit. A is before people were filming videos. Every month we filmed the video with the host. It was bizarre.

But then we would do like new shit. A lot of it didn't work. I mean, look at SNL. I mean, you know. It's hard to write sketches. If half the sketches on SNL work, that's a good week. And I'm not, I'm not shitting on them. That's for any sketch show in history.

It's really hard. It's really hard, yeah. Yeah. We grew up in Canada. I grew up watching like Kids in the Hall and SCTV. So I grew up watching more sketch than I did stand-up right so that's what I wanted to do I wanted to be in SNL. Do you still? No. No interest. Do you want to be in a sketch show? If it was out here yeah I'm not moving a golden retriever. There's no sketch shows

anymore. I don't know what happened to that they gotta bring it back like the like he and P and Peter did so well. The Kroll Show, like, we love these shows. Tim Robinson, I think he should leave. That was like the newest one, I guess. Well, apparently I haven't watched Tom Sagerz yet, but that's apparently like a dark sketch show. Yeah, it's very dark, yeah.

You know who's great in it? Kirk Fox is fucking great in it. He's a really good actor. He is a good actor. All right, back to Rankham. Kirk Fox is fucking great in it. He's a really good actor. He is a good actor. All right, back to rank them. Robbie Hoffman, Caroline Ray, Samantha Bee. Who's Samantha Bee again?

Oh, that girl who does the, well, I don't know her at all. All right, then let's just swap her out for Catherine O'Hara. Well, what the heck? Well, Katherine O'Hara. Well, what the heck? Well, Katherine O'Hara is a goat. Yeah. Caroline Ray is amazing and nice and gave me her osteopath. And Robbie Hoffman's a maniac. I lived with Robbie. We were roommates for.

Now, yes, it was psychotic. Really? Oh, my God. She moved in with me. No, God, no. Have you seen her wife? Yeah. Yeah. She ain't looking at me. I'll tell. Yeah, she ain't looking at me. I'll tell you what. She ain't looking at this when she got that. She, no, we were good friends. She was just psychotic to live with.

I was babysitting at the time and it was hell. I would have to come home, I'd bike there, it was like fucking five miles there, five miles back. I'd bike home all tired, I'm like, I need a nap. And every time she came in the house, she'd go, hello. And I'm like, okay, you gotta stop doing the hello. She goes, no no i can't

she's used to living with nine other people i go i don't give a fuck i need a nap i have shows tonight you got to shut the fuck up right it's not gonna happen all right i almost killed her yeah i'm like what the fuck you mean i did it every fucking day i got no sleep yeah i was like delusional for two years right right i love her i know i just talked about i literally talked about this morning we're good friends but definitely ohara'Hara, I mean, come on. Home Alone. Did she tell you she was here yesterday? No, she didn't tell me shit. I just thought she sold the show.

And I'm like, she'll call me and be like, so and so is so unfunny, why are they getting spots anywhere? And then I'm like, you were on Malaney Live? What are you talking about? She didn't tell me shit. She just told us yesterday how she'd never badmouse anybody in comedy. Excuse me?

Robby Hoffman. Did she say that? Are you fucking kidding me? Two days ago, she called me, and I'm not gonna say the name, blah, blah, blah, fucking sucks. And I go, aren't you on Malaney Live tonight? Like that was the conversation.

What a psycho. Hey, I badmouth people and I say it's their fucking face. I'll tell you shit All right, can't wait Alanis Morissette Joni Mitchell Celine Dion oh The the exact order you listed it in Alanis Joni people love Celine. I never really got into it I don't know what it was and then her husband was so old it grossed me out. That was weird

I was like the opposite of what all these like male rock stars are doing I don't know what it was. And then her husband was so old, it grossed me out. That was weird. It was like the opposite of what all these male rock stars are doing. Do you see me having to make Kiedis' girlfriend? I can't listen to chili peppers anymore. I'm done with it. It's weird. It's disgusting.

It's sick. On what planet, picture you right now with that girl, what are you talking about? Literally, what is the conversation like? It's, you know, I have friends that have done that. Like I had a friend from college who got divorced and he started dating a 25 year old, you know, at 50. It's absurd.

I was just like, dude, what are you doing? Like, honestly, what are you doing? Yeah. I, like, I- He's fucking, that's what he's doing. Wow, he's getting that dick wet, I'll tell you that. He's getting it soaked. But here's the thing, I couldn't keep up

with a 25 year old. I have 59 year old sex. Yeah, you love 59 year old sex. 59 year old sex, foreplay is, here's what it is now, is she's coming out of the shower. Okay. Because when you're married, just trying to initiate at a point

where they have to get disrobed for the act is too much of a hurdle. So now I gotta wait, the barrier's low. Yeah, you gotta get her to know. I wait in the bedroom, I pretend I'm folding a shirt. So many times, you come in, it's like origami, it's so small. You've been folding a shirt. What is that? It's myami. It's so small. You've been folding this shirt.

What is that? It's my shirt. It's my shirt. You've been waiting. You've been waiting to pounce, haven't you? Yeah. The shirt's like so soiled in sweat. You just pull this so many times.

It's a wet cloth. Wait, so you're how old's Jeff? 38. OK, so you guys are having 39-year-old sex. No, I think we're having way younger sex. And it's putting my back out. I don't know what I'm doing. I've got to stop.

I had my head in a hotel room recently. We were in the shower, and I was holding on to one of those bars, and that's when I'm like, what am I doing? I have sciatica. I can't be bending over like this. I was looking at slip-ons the other day. I need Velcro. I can barely tie my shoes.

Right, right, right. And you're trying to do it in the shower. Because I think he's so hot, so I'm really trying with him still. He is hot. I can barely tie my shoes. Right, right, right, and you're trying to do it in the shower. Oh, because I think he's so hot, so I'm like really trying with him still. He is hot. I know, what the hell? He's a great dude too. I know!

He's smart, he's funny. I know. He's a good hang. He's a good hang. Generally when somebody brings a significant other into the green room, it's kind of like slows things down. Yes. But he gets it.

He gets it. I would never bring him back there if he didn't. Oh, he's so fucking funny. Everyone loves him. He's like chatting people. He knows stuff. I would never bring him back there if he didn't. Oh, he's so fucking funny. Everyone loves him. He's like chatting people. He knows stuff. I'm like, I'm dumb. Let him talk to him.

But what are you fucking in a shower for? I always found that it sounds like a good idea. And then there's like, the lubrication gets dried out. It's the opposite. You think it's wet, so it'll slide. It dries it out. I don't know.

It's just cause we're in there together. We shower together a lot actually. And I'm like, I think the second we're in there, I'm like, I'll just see it. And don't know, it's just because we're in there together. We shower together a lot actually. And I'm like, I think the second we're in there, I'm like, I'll just see it and I'll just flick it all day and it's hard. And then we're tweaking. And it starts with a light wash. I'm like soaping his dick and then I'm like,

well it's clean, I don't know. It's clean, you might as well eat it. And then I do, I get down there on my knees and it's like, and I stand up and it's like, I'm like, we're going to the hospital. My bones have snapped in two. I cannot be behaving as such. I'm squatting, deep squat. I have hemorrhoids, I'm like, we're going to the hospital. My bones have snapped in two. I cannot be behaving as such. I'm squatting, deep squat.

I have hemorrhoids. I can't be squatting. They're gonna be sitting in the drain. What am I doing down there? It's absurd behavior. No, you're not a Korean grocer either. I'm not. How do they do that?

Sitting waiting for the bus? I can't be doing this. That is like the ultimate blow job position though. The Korean grocer eating lunch. Yeah. You just say, can the Korean grocer eating lunch. Yeah. Yeah. You just say, can I get some Korean lunch? Yeah, and then you just squat down with a sandwich.

Right. All right. Do I have the last one? I think that might've been all of it for Rankham. Oh, that's fun. I like Rankham. Yeah, it's fun, right? Rankham's fun.

Well, you have a podcast. Do you have any segments on your podcast or you just kind of go with the flow? I do, yeah. He wanted to get you on the name Pod, but you live so fucking far out here and I'm in East Hollywood. I'll come out.

Come out, please, I'd love you to. My segment, yeah, I have the worst body story you've ever heard in your life. And then the funniest way you think you could die. Like not about yourself, just that you've ever heard? Like something that's just traumatized you. In my example, I have a couple examples. One, my dad told me years ago that a man,

I don't know why he fucking told me this, I mean, wrapped himself in Saran wrap and hid in a porter potty and would watch women piss and shit. No! He told me that when I was so young that every single time I go to porter potty, to this day, I have to look in, looking for his little head peeking out.

And someone recently on my Instagram just sent me going that was real and sent me an article from years ago from like some place in like Kansas or Tennessee or something and someone did that. Sick. Well you know Chuck Berry lost a class action lawsuit from 40 women who proved that he had hidden cameras in the toilets in his restaurant in Illinois. No. Yeah.

I don't know why he didn't go to jail, but he paid out a lot of money. In the toilet. In the toilets, that was his thing. Poop, poop, pee, pee. Yep. Well, I don't know, I can't tell you which. Well, I mean- Maybe he had to wait

for the pee pee to be done for the- Poop would've come out. Well, cause it's very rare you sit down and you poop first and then pee later. Oh, I'm pooping first. Shut up! If I got a shit, if I get a shit, my shit's out of my ass.

What? I'm running to the toilet. The shit's out. You can sit down and hold in the pee and drop a deuce. I'm not holding the pee. And then when you're done, suddenly you pee? Yes. Yes.

I don't believe that's true. I need video. I'll put a camera in my toilet. I I said it to you and I call it the very the very view I I tell you what Chuck Berry would not be getting hard on whatever the fuck's coming out of me No, I dig a hard piss. Yeah, steamy piss. My shits are bad. Yeah Well, also when you have hemorrhoids the wipe becomes like a fucking construction site. Well, it, they're in. Oh, they're inside. I got an inny, it's worse. Do you put the lotion in there? Nothing works, doesn't work.

No, it doesn't. There's nothing you can do. I shove those little tubs of butter at my ass for a while. I feel so perverse. Unraveling this little thing, I'm like, where's the bun? And then I'm just putting it in my butt hole, I'm like, they don't work. And you put it in and it slips out.

It slips right out. What the hell is this? It's such a gross thing. And then your underwear is stained from it. It's so disgusting. I'm just, that's it. This is who I am now. The only upside is when you do drop a deuce

after putting it in, it slides out. Yeah, buttery. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah, silky. The old Kerry Gold. It's Fist Dog Radio where we take on the issues of the day. What's the closest you ever came to a fist fight on stage? Oh, fuck. On.

I got a chair thrown at me in the O.R. at the store a couple of years ago. No. Yes. It was so fucked up. It was. Oh, I remember I had just got out of a horrendous relationship and I should not have been on stage. Yeah. I just found out something really bad and I was like in a really bad headspace. And I get to the show, it's in the OR, I love the OR.

And there's this guy in the front, as soon as I walk on, this guy in this big bubble jacket, he immediately gets on his phone. And I'm like, hey, I'm like, all right, man. I'm like, who are you texting? He's like, goes back to his phone. I go, buddy, I'm like, I've said nothing. You can't even hate me already. I've done no jokes, I've done nothing at all.

Kind of, he stops for a second does this, rolls his eyes, puts his phone down. I do one joke, a minute later, he's back in his phone. I go, all right, Puffy Vest, what fucking year is it? 2002, what the fuck's on the fucking phone? Yeah. I'm like, who the fuck, if you have to make a call, make a fucking call.

Yeah. Like you're fucking pissing me off. Uh-huh. So I keep going on, I'm making fun of him, not even that badly. He gets so, I say something that I guess triggers him. I you're fucking pissing me off. So I keep going on. I'm making fun of him not even that badly. He gets so, I say something that I guess triggers him. I don't even know what it was. He stands up and he's like, fuck you.

I'm like, fuck me, fuck you. Grabs the chair. And I guess, and I'm seeing, I'm watching this in slow motion, but in my head I'm like, does he think these are like light chairs? This guy's a scrawny motherfucking guy. So he was smaller than me. I'm like, I can take this guy.

So right away my head goes, I can take him. He stands up, grabs the chair. And I'm like, where's the fucking door guys? Hello, what the fuck's happening right now? Grabs the chair, goes to throw it. And he thinks he's gonna be like this, like a wicker, thinks he's gonna go over his head. He can barely get it up.

This guy beside is like, oh my God, he's throwing the chair. This audience member goes up to grab him. He gets the chair up. I watch it just roll beside me. And I go, did you just throw a fucking chair at me? And the crowd is like now dead silent. And they're like, a pin could drop.

And the fine door guys come and get him out, they take him out, he's like fuck you, you fucking bitch. And I was like, he gets whatever, what is it called, 360s when you get cut out, what is it called? 86. Yeah, so he gets 86 whatever and he's pissed off out there, swearing around, whatever, and he's pissed off out there, swimming around, whatever.

Although if you throw somebody out and you spin them around during the 86, I think it's a 360 86. Okay, but I just went around. But I remember like, my heart was like pounding, and then I ended up killing. I did like, I was so pissed, and I was like, I was crazy,

but I was like, if this guy, like if that chair hit me, I would have just fucking pounded him. And I'm like, he this guy, if that chair hit me, I would have just fucking pounded him. And I'm like, he was so small too. I've never had a bottle thrown at me or anything like that. But I do think that after an incident like that, because I've had them, well, every comic has had it, when somebody gets thrown out during your set,

if you handle it well and you stay in control of the room, they turn into the greatest crowd of all. They turn into a 17-year-old girl who you just went down on for 20 minutes and now you're gonna make love to. That's the example you went with? 21. She's 21.

It was like, if anyone's seen my video 17, I was grossed out by it. I don't know what the fuck they're doing, sick. Well, I'm not saying I was 17. It's a different example. I was 30. It's like the Apollo, I thought you were gonna say that. I'm like, what's a 17 year old came on the North for no reason, the hell is this?

It feels like they feel like they witnessed something so special and they're like, wow, you fucking did that. And they know how hard your job is at a time like that and they just appreciate what you're doing. Yes, putting yourself up there and out there. Next time I do a special, I'm going to plant somebody in the front row to get thrown out. Okay, Steve Hofstadter.

Oh, did he do that? He plants, that's the whole thing. No. That's his whole thing, he plants people. Oh, is this well known or you're telling a secret? I thought everyone knew that. I didn't know that. I don't think he knows it's well known,

but I know a lot of comics talk about it. So he records clips of people heckling him, but the hecklers are actually plants. Yes Okay. Mm-hmm. Wow. I think that I think that what happened was like the first couple were real Yeah, and they went crazy viral right and I said well, you can't have somebody always yelling hi Hitler in the fucking crowd You're like 20 bucks Third row to the left camera cameras conveniently right on them. Yeah, okay. And he's lobbed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, clearly into the microphone. Do you think saying how Hitler is more offensive than saying hi Hitler? Because when you say hi Hitler, it's almost more intimate. Yeah, it's flirty. Yeah. Hi. I think if you do that, if you do that, it's almost more intimate yeah it's flirty yeah hi I think if you do that if you do that it's nicer right Elon did that I think yeah instead of putting the arm all the way up if you went a

halfway up and then went like hi Hitler if he can you imagine that's what he used to do instead of doing the thing yeah we all would be fun to buy it we're like that's actually kind of cute he never would have taken over eastern Europe no No, he wouldn't have. Right. Right. He'd still be around today. All right, this is, by the way, this is Fastballs with Fitz. This is where we ask you fastball questions.

All right. By the way, your website? Do I have a website? It's awful. I have a website? Somebody made one for you. Are you joking? I was hoping you didn't make it because.

I have a web. You have a website, Somebody made one for you. Are you joking? I was hoping you didn't make it because I have a web, what do you? You have a website but it's weird. It's like steftolev.something, like not the usual, it's not like dot com, it's dot something else. I didn't even know I had a website. It's your picture, it's got a link to your representation but then when you click on the representation, it goes to like Pinterest.

And then when you go to your tour dates, it's only got a couple of them. And then, yeah, it's awful. I don't have a website. Why don't you have a website? It's all PunchUp, it's all Instagram. PunchUp.live, that's my website. It's like all my tour dates,

my videos are on there, everything's on there. It's all Instagram now. I'm like, fuck, I better look at that. I had no idea it had a website. Is that the new thing to not have a website? Yeah, it's all, it's like you click the link in the bio, it's all there. All two dates are there, my YouTube's there,

everything's there. That's what's holding me back. It's your website. And I'll tell you what's holding you back. My hemorrhoids? Your hemorrhoids. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Who is your best Asian friend?

Oh, Winnie Ip. Who? Oh, now or back in the day? No, whenever. Winnie, yeah, my like in- Winnie? Yeah, grade three, she was in the cool story house. Winnie Ip.

Winnie Ip, yeah. That's a good name. It was a cute name. I like that. She was a very nice girl. Yeah. Lived in the cool story house, had great parties, had a cool little three story house.

Did you go to her house and her family cooked Chinese food? Yeah, she had birthday parties and stuff and then my other friend was What's Rihanna Maharaj? She's uh, I Don't say Pakistani. She's Indian. Yeah, I don't yeah, I don't love it when the Middle Easterners call themselves Asian. Oh Stay in your lane You know, there's enough Asians. Don't don't make Asian bigger than it already is. I don't think they do that, do they? Oh, they always do that. You say somebody, I'll say to the crowd,

any Asian people here tonight, and then some guy, some chick with a red dot on her forehead's gone, I go, I'm totally kidding right now. It's like, you are not who I thought you were at all. My God, Jesus. Sometimes I just go into that character. Yeah, yeah, wow. Who am I sitting here with, Jeff Dye?

Oh, is that your guy? No, I just saw the clip of the day with Maren and I've been laughing at it. Yeah, well, I saw the clip, is that when Bert Kreischer was telling Maren that Jeff Dye shit on him? Did Jeff Dye go on Maren and shit on Bert, or he just hurt? No, Jeff Dye went on Berturt was shitting on Marin. Oh

Got it. Yeah, I just saw Marin said I've never heard of us the funniest clip of our second our life That's the best way to handle it. Yeah, we just blocked me years ago So it's like I couldn't even like I chimed in a little bit I had a couple laugh emojis in there. You know, I believe I was in there liking some stuff Yeah, but I think it's funny. Yeah, a funny clip yeah that's a perfect clip that's that's the perfect internet clip yeah it's a nice it's a lot of drama in the comedy world lately there's so much drama bad-mouth in each other and you know there's different sects and cults of comedy that are bashing each other

and you know like you've got the Largo comics and then you've got the Legion of Skanks guys in New York and then you've got the Austin guys and then you've got you know Jessel Nick has sort of taken on everybody which I do love it's great and then you've got like Andy Kindler you know Ken there's in there yeah oh my god then you have you like Andy Kindler. Oh, Kindler's in there, yeah. Oh my god. Kindler's in there. Then you have, you know who was my favorite, Tim Heidecker. Oh, does he chime in on people? Oh, no, but he does his, he's doing his show,

some live show right now called Kill Timmy, and it's... No way. No way. It's really funny. Yeah, you should see the clips. It's a parody of Kill Timmy. Yeah, yeah, it's very funny. Does he do a live show? Have you not seen his special

where he does his whole character? Tim, I think it's a night with Tim Heidecker or something. And it's, I think it's the most brilliant standout special I've ever seen. He plays this fucking character of the standup comic guy. He does one hour, he doesn't do a single joke. He comes out, the fucking mic stand falls everywhere, the music's all fucked up, he yells the whole time.

He's like, my fucking wife. Aw, bitch. And that's all he does. He is so fucking funny. It's insane. I don't like it. You'd love it. I don't like when non-comics come out and say,

He's a comic. Nah, he's a comic actor. His standup is funny, his regular standup is funny. It's funny, watch. He's had regular specials. I like him, I'm friends with him, but I don't like when people just. Watch it.

I feel protective of the art. Okay, all of a sudden. Who do you want to give your eulogy? Oh, my sister, because it'd be the funniest. Yeah. It'd be the most heartfelt and funny. You need some crying, you need some laughing. Do you think that before you die,

you will sort of give her some bullet points on some of the stories? No, no, I'm gonna let her go. Let her do it herself. I'm gonna let her do it the way she wants, yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah, she's got free rein on that one. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. But I wanna do something funny too. Like you've seen that video of the Irish guy who they play, he's like, I'm alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the great alive. Get me out of here like that. I want to do something like that. You know what would be so sad if I said, here's how you know somebody's suicidal.

You're like, who do you want to give your eulogy? And they're like, dad, my dad. Like he's still be alive when you're dead. No, no, no. It's definitely gotta be. Who's the worst feature or opener that you've had on one of your shows? Hoof, that's a good question.

They're all good questions. That's why it's called Fast Balls with Fizz. I had this host in Kansas City. Poor girl, she should not have been doing it. She was very young. Found it after the Club Booker. Turns out likes young women. Very young. She was very young. Found out after the club booker. Turns out likes young women. Very young. She was maybe 17. Oh my god. I got in the green room and I go, oh hi, who are you? She goes, I'm hosting for you. And I was like, you're doing what? I'm like, no you're not.

And then we got there late. I was rushing around. I remember being like, I have to do, I'm like, I'm not doing an hour tonight. She's gotta do like 10, 15, my open, I'll do 20, that's what this game paid for, and then I'll do like 45, and the booker's like, oh no, she doesn't have that, she has five, I go, well then why the fuck is she hosting? He's like, well you know, she likes you, and I wanna get her to like, people DM me being like, if you bring her again,

I'm never gonna come see you again. It was, and I'm sure she's better now, but it was like, you were not ready to be hosting for a touring headliner. Right, right. It was fucked. Yeah. It made me uncomfortable.

Also I was like, why is there a child in my green room? Yeah. I felt weird. I was like, I'm uncomfortable here. My opener was like, why is there a child in the green room? Do you remember any of her jokes? No, I was backstage, like, looking at my opener and he's like, oh fuck, I'm like,

you got work to do by the way. Right. Get the fuck out there. Pervert. Yeah. Yeah. There are two types of people in the world, go. Pieces of shit and some few nice people. What percentage do you think are nice versus pieces of shit?

I think nice, probably 20%. Oh, all right. I like to hope that many. Yeah. And the rest are scumbags. Yeah. What's your spidey sense on knowing which is which? How long does it take you?

I'm very good, quick, very quick. Right. Oh yeah. This honker can sniff them out from a mile away. Oh, I'm in there. I know the bad ones. You get a vibe too. Yeah.

A vibe you can just tell by the way they treat you and stuff. It's like, oh yeah. Yeah. And how do you treat people who you think are pieces of shit? Do you just cut them out or do you? Yeah, I'm like, I'm civil if we're on a show together, but I'm not nice to you. You know if I don't fucking like you.

Right. Said their names. Yeah, you know I'm not like, I'm not tiptoeing around here. You're a piece of shit. If you've been, if I hear nothing but bad stories about you and other women, you're shit to'm not like I'm not tiptoeing around here. You're a piece of shit. If you've been if I hear nothing but bad stories about you with other women, you're shit to me. Yeah, that's it. I'm not backing you for anything.

If you're a predator, anyone who is like associate with Crystal, I'm like, why are we still talking about this man? Why are we doing this? This is crazy. Right. That's no, I that's bad people. Have you ever been in a fistfight? Yeah. Couple couple. How old were you? Mmm high school one of my 20s But one I was like this girl was like looking at my ex-boyfriend another one I was in a actually both with guys and like a girl like

shoved my boyfriend at the time at this bar and then I shoved her back and then Three girls got on top of me and they they were fucking scratching me and punching me, and then I thought one of them stole my cell phone, and the security was dragging them out, so on the way out, I'm like, you got my phone, bitch, and then I clocked her right in the head, and it turns out it was in my back pocket the whole time. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! I just got a new iPhone, it was an iPhone 1, I'm like, I'm saving this. Did you have scratches on you after the fight? Oh yeah, I was fully scratched, I was like, my face was all bleeding

and they had ripped my shirt all open. Really? Yeah. I broke that ass. This is in Toronto? Oh yeah, Andy Pool Hall it was called. It was like a huge pool hall that had like, it was actually really cool. It turned into a club on the weekends

where they had like 20 pool tables. Yeah. It was a cool place. I like it. It was used to be by the comedy bar. You had the haircut for that place. I didn't even have the haircut then. Oh.

I now had the old hair. Oh. What was the second fight? Well, when I got arrested in high school. But that was I did I more started it. I've been in like I a lot of like just if my friends are in a fight I'll kind of chime in there. Yeah yeah. Bop around a couple kicks, couple tosses. Yeah like that. Yeah a lot of marks fits. I'm punching people. You know it's fun. You ever crowd surfed? Oh yeah. Really? Couple times, yeah. You ever been felt up while you were crowd surfing?

Uh-huh, yes I have. That's why I think my daughter crowdsurfs, I'm like stop! Don't let her do it. Tell her to stop, tell her to stop right now. Yeah! I got honked bad. I got flipped over in my front. Rrrr.

Full honk. Yeah. Cause normally it's like, you have to crowd surf at a show where it's like full rockers. Yeah. It doesn't matter, she's gonna get touched. Yeah. She can't be up there. her down talk to her yeah she just did last weekend no she's done and she went to see she's friends with this lesson

was Atlantis Morissette yeah then they would be crossing nicely yeah yeah they're cradling you uh-huh I'd like to crowd surf before I die. You can crowd surf easily. Do you want a fucking god damn comedy jam? Yeah, you can do crowd surf. Yeah, they do it. All right. What's the last time you apologized? Oh, to my boyfriend like five days ago. What happened?

I fly off the handle sometimes. I get a little upset. I get a little worked up. I went crazy because I put parsley in a meal instead of cilantro and it ruined the whole meal and I lost my fucking mind. No, wait, he put cilantro? No, I did, I did it.

So you took it out on him because you fucked up? Yeah, I fucked up and I was yelling at him and I blamed him for not helping me with dinner and then I screamed at him and then there was a big ordeal. And then I apologize right after. I always apologize. Oh, right after, before you go to sleep. Oh yeah.

They say that's the key. Yeah, no, I always, when I know I'm in the wrong, I apologize right after. I always apologize. Oh, right after, before you go to sleep. Oh yeah. They say that's the key. Yeah, no, I always, when I know I'm in the wrong, I apologize. Yeah. Even if I don't want to, I will say it. Uh-huh. Does that come from, do you grow Catholic or something? No, it comes from just being, I think, a person.

I don't want, like, especially with him, I don't want to fight with him. Yeah. I don't want him to be angry at me. I want to solve this. Cause my dad, he used to fight so much as kids. He used to fucking scream and yell all the time. And he never apologized.

He would just be like, I'm like, you just hit me. He's like, what? No, I was angry. It's fine. I'm like, hello, you're sorry. And we'll do it again. I need something.

I need some kind of closure here. So just the yelling and the going about your business. Like my dad would literally scream at us. And then 20 minutes later, he begs singing Alice in Chains in the basement. I'm like, hello? Alice in Chains, the basement I'm like hello and he's like screaming we're like good right dad what are you going through what the fuck is this hammering things in his basement thing he has down there is like scary shit I know but yeah I think that's one

of the most profound things I've felt with my children is apologizing to them. Was to me, like, it wasn't just for me, because there's so much pressure as a parent to be good, to be perfect. And when you're not, you really beat yourself up. But then when you apologize to your child for it, you free yourself of some of that

and you're also, it's a life lesson for them that apologizing is always gonna make everybody feel better. If it's right. Yeah. If it's sincere. And I feel like my kids are able to apologize to their friends because they saw it modeled from us. And I'm saying, wait, I didn't see it from my parents

either and they both used to fucking beat us all the time. And you're like, hello, can you say better? Yeah, right, right. What the hell? I mean, I know, like you said, say I won't do it again. I know you will, but at least for now, say you won't do it again. Let me sleep tonight, just a wink.

Right. Yeah, that's. Just a wink. Right. Yeah, that's very nice that you do that. Because I don't think, my parents apologize to me later in life. Yeah. Like my dad apologized. I'm sorry if I was bad as, but you and your young girl. I'm like, well, where was this when I was fucking eight?

I don't need it now. I'm done. I'm done with it. But yeah, I apologize a lot. Yeah. Good. Final question. And then we'll get to your credits. You're gonna

promote your dates but I only have like three of them because... I don't need the dates it's the special I need to promote. Okay. Yeah. Oh that's right. Yeah that's why I asked you to do this. And I'm so sorry I didn't watch it. Is it out? No. Oh good. Then I don't feel as bad about not watching it. But what I'll do is I'll watch it and then I will talk about it on a future show. Okay. So this is like a double plug. No, I won't say it poorly. Okay, okay, okay.

Where'd you shoot it? Boston. Where? Paradise Rock Club. Really? Yeah. Dude, that's the first place I ever did stand up comedy in my life.

Are you serious? Yes. What? That's fucking crazy. I didn't even know they did stand up there. What are you talking about? Oh my god. Are you serious? Well there was, Paradise is connected to, it used to be connected to a club called Stitches. They were the same venue. Paradise is in the back and Stitches is in the front and they had an open mic night and it's literally on the campus. It's a bar now. It's on the campus of Boston

University basically. Yes. Right on Commonwealth Avenue. My dorm room, I could see paradise. And so I used to go to watch shows, and then my freshman year. What the hell? It was January, January, no, February 6th, whatever it was, it was the Super Bowl. And the New England Patriots, that day, had gotten annihilated by the Bears in the Super Bowl.

And I went on stage that night in Boston. Oh, fuck. And I can't believe that's where you shot it. That's so cool. Yeah, I can't believe you didn't shoot yours there. You have way more of a connection than I do. I just wanted to be, I love Boston. Yeah.

I fucking love Boston. And I wanted it to be in a venue that felt like me, that I would like to feel like I was in a club. A lot of people have compared Boston to Toronto. Oh, really? Yes. When I was living there, people always said the Toronto is just like Boston. I a little bit, I guess. I was very international.

Yes. Boston, I didn't think was as much. It's very segregated. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe they're not similar. I went there. I chose that because the crowd was the craziest crowd I had. Yes. Out of my whole Boston crowds are the best. I was like, this is this is a special crowd. This is what I want.

This reaction, this kind of fucking screaming, yelling. I'm like, I want this. Quiet. I hate quiet crowds. Toronto could be quiet. I'm like, you're my fucking hometown. And I wanted it to be in Canada. Obviously I wanted to film my first special in Canada,

but I was like, I just did a big theater show in Toronto right before that. I'm like, I can't double it up. Okay. Wait what question is that? Last question. Oh last question. I have a choice, there's two different ones I'm gonna ask.

All right I'll ask this one. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done? Oh fuck, probably about something on my nose. I used to joke, I have to do it now because I only get online control of my nose. I used to joke, I have to do it now because I all get online control of my nose. So I just say that, I'm like, I know I look like Dave DeVito of Penguin. That bullshit.

Or I'll do now what my hack jokes I always do. I go, I'm not a lesbian. And they're like, woo. I'm like, so stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But sometimes the hacks just, they work. Yep, yep, yep. Just to get them going and then I'll do my bullshit.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, The hack bits are either the first or the last bit in the act. Yeah. Because that's where you need it the most. Exactly. You need to get them going and then the middle I just talk out of my fucking ass. Right. So cares. What's the name of the special? Filth Queen. You should make t-shirts that people can read. It's on Netflix. June 23rd it drops. That's amazing. On Netflix. On Netflix. Good for you. Very happy. Thank you.

And then you'll hit a bunch of podcasts and promote it. I'm doing all that. I'm also in Tires, the new season of Tires. You're great in Tires. You didn't see it yet. I didn't see it yet. It's not out yet. But watch that. What else were you in? Hacks. Did you see me in Hacks? You didn't see it yet. I didn't see it yet. It's not out yet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. But watch that.

What else were you in? Hacks, did you see me in Hacks? I saw you in Hacks. Did you actually? Yeah. Okay, what did I do? You are an assistant at the company? Oh no, that's Robbie Hoffman.

God damn it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Now I know. Season three. I remember seeing you, what do you do again? I'm in the roast. I roast Debra Vance. Okay.

You were great. Yeah. I don't remember anything. As in old dads, did you see Bill's movie, Old Dads? You were great, you were at the hotel. Yes, see that you remember, okay. You were great in that. That was like a blow up scene.

It was just like a hard, funny scene. Yeah, I farted. You were great in that. That was like a blow up scene. It was just like a hard funny scene. Yeah, I farted. People, is it real? I'm like, yeah, my fart was that long and that loud on demand. You know they do nine takes of each shot. Yeah, yeah, it just means, fuck, I could have, but. Well, good luck on the special.

Thank you so much. You're, you know, I was talking about you before you got here. I said you were on a really great trajectory. I think you're- That's so nice. You're, you know, you're, I was talking about you before you got here. I said you're on a really great trajectory. I think you're, you really have, cause you have a base. You're not somebody that one good thing happened to and now all of a sudden, like people are aware of you.

It's like you've built up a following through just shows after shows after shows and putting good stuff on the internet. And, and that's just, it's just going to keep going up. up. Well this is so nice thank you so much. Yeah of course. Come do my pod. All right let's do it. Okay. All right. Bye.