Fitzdog Radio - The Most Ridiculous Fitzdog Episode Yet with Harland Williams | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: May 27, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Greg is running on fumes after a shingles shot, but things quickly spiral once comedy legend Harland Williams joins the show. What starts with cellos, Jell-O and donuts somehow turns into priests, moon landing conspiracies, hotel pillows, Jeffrey Dahmer, AI taking over animation, and one of the strangest conversations ever recorded on Fitzdog Radio. Harland also talks about his upcoming movie Wingman, his work in animation, using AI to create new projects, and the surprisingly serious life experiences that shaped him. Support our sponsors and enjoy one of the most absurd episodes we've had in a while. Follow Harland:https://www.harlandwilliams.com Harland Tour Dates:https://www.harlandwilliams.com Support the show:https://www.rocketmoney.com/fitzdog This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. I'm your host, and that there was the most energy I can summon right now. I got my, a big show today, by the way, stick around, get through this intro because Harlan Williams is my guest, and we had such a blast last week. We're going to play that for you today. But in the meantime, this morning I went and I got my second, not my first, my second. and what should I call it's shingle shot. And the first one didn't really bother me. This one has kind of knocked me on my ass. I was just laying on the floor in the bathroom for a little while.

My arm is in a lot of pain. Anyway, whatever. I got a shingle shot. And you know what? Good. I'd get it again. I'll get all the vaccinations. You come up with the vaccination.

that's going to keep me from getting sick, I'll stick it in my arm. I'm fucking love. I'm pro-vax. I'm extremely pro-vax. And, you know, I don't, and I was thinking about this, I wonder if kids in the playground,

are they still doing circle, circle, dot, dot, now I got my cootie shot, which is the first vaccination that a child gives themselves. They get a lot of vaccinations, but that's the first one. go, I get this and then I can't get the cooties. Do they still do that?

Or do they wear, maybe they have a little toy masks. Do they wear masks around the playground? This was their childhood was COVID. Imagine being an RFK Jr.'s kindergarten class and somebody tries to do a circle, circle, dot, dot, coot. And he goes, it's all in from, it's all. It's all this information launched by Big Cootie. Don't buy into Big Cootie.

All right. That'll do. That's it. That's a two minute and 15 cents. Look, this is all I got today. I'm sorry. Next week's going to be great. This weekend, Boston at Laugh, Boston on May 29th and 30th.

Come on out. We got some tickets. left Rochester, New Hampshire at the Opera House, June 5th, Agunquit, Maine at Jonathan's on June 6th. Then I will be in Huntington Beach at Mamba, July 12th, coming to St. Pete's in Cincinnati and Columbus, Ohio all this summer. Fitzdog.com, get some tickets. Also, don't forget, support our sponsors because they keep the lights on. I'm at that age now where, you know, I'm starting to go, where is the trickles?

You know? Where's the trickles of money going? You know, I can't check. I look at my credit card statement. I don't see it all. I see an $11.99 charge and I think, I don't know. I'm sure that's something I use. Or maybe it's not.

Maybe there's apps out there that I've subscribed to seven years ago because there was a deal and I forgot about it. Anyway, Rocket Money helps with. that all this stuff because it puts your finances in one place it tracks all your subscriptions uh it lets you know where your money is going and uh if you don't and if there's things you trust me there's things that you don't want on there anymore uh you cancel them right in the app you don't even have to because that's that's the really hard part is the cancellation process that's one of the biggest upsells for me with rocket money They've already helped users save over $880 million in canceled subscriptions.

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Well, from Rocket Money to Rocket Man. This is one of the best transitions I've had from an ad to a guest ever. My guest starred in Rocket Man. He is a very silly human being who I could have hung out with all day. But I think we did about an hour. I'm not sure. but I'm a regular on his podcast, the Harlan Highway. I go on there very frequently.

You know him from dumb and dumber, from half-baked, from something about Mary, the whole nine yards, Freddie got fingered, on and on. What a career and truly one of the most fun, interesting, individual comedians working in the country today, and for many years. Here's my chat with the great Harlan Willis. My guest today to talk, we're going to talk a lot about cello and jello, Arlen Williams.

Which one do you, and you don't have to answer, which one do you put cool whip on top of, jello or will you put it on a cello? I put it in a cello because if you put it on a cello, it just drips down, but it's got the cello opening right under the strings. You ever notice that? Right, and that sort of buffers the sound a bit. Yes. Oh, interesting. And it gives the sound of the strings a little bit of a jiggly sense of like a vibrato. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I always just thought of cellos as obese violins. Yes. Like violins that let themselves go. Yeah, yeah. Like fatties. Right. Like fat pigs.

Yeah, and then the bass ones are really obese. Oh, they're the bass violins. Yeah. I remember once I was cleaning up. but a jazz club. I used to be a janitor. Really? I had a jazz club? The mint. Yeah, the mint on down on Wilshire. That's a great little theater. And I heard some noise in the back and I'm, you know, you think the place is haunted or whatever. Yeah. And, you know, you're there alone late at night. You get the lemon pledge going on the pine saul and the fantastic and the Mr. Clean, all that stuff.

All of it. Well, I do. I was the janitor. Okay. And you hear some wrestling and you hear, you know, you think, God, this place is. is haunted and you go and you open the door where they keep, you know, some of the instruments and stuff. And there's the stand-up bass, just nerfing a bucket, a family bucket of KFC. No. And I'm like, dude, this is why you're a fat violin. Right. And they don't want to hear it. He gave me an F sharp. And I was like, okay, screw you and I slammed the door. Yeah. Well, he gave you the F. He gave you the F sharp. Yeah. Right. Then you look over at the flip. flute and just a trisket, just nibbling on a trisket. Yeah, yeah, they really, they really keep

their figure. But, and you might not want to hear this, I saw a flute slurping on a frosty and a lot of calories and a clarinet. Turns out it was a clarinet. So they get fat. They can all get fat. The clarinet is the cello of the wind instruments. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, anything can get fat. This is the society we live in America, junk food. Whether you're using your instrument or you are an instrument, you're going to put on the pounds if you don't watch it. Whether you're in the Boston Pops, you're in the Seattle Philharmonic, whether you're playing Ticowski or you're playing, you know, Perry Mason theme song from the old courtroom drama show. Dun it. Duned. A lot of woodwinds and orange.

Dun it. Wasn't that it? How was it? Yeah. Donut. Yeah. Donut. Yeah, that's what they eat too. They get fat.

Donut. Yeah. Not what you were saying? Donut. Yeah. Don't that. Are you going to do the whole dozen? Don't know.

I guess so. Donut. Wow. Don't know. Oh, God. Can you do a half dozen? Don't know what the whole dozen. Donut.

Don't know. Two more. No, three more. Donut. Donut. Chocolate. Donut. Through my own little twist.

They were all playing. You know, I rent the studio by the hour. Ooh. That costs that little run there. Yeah. That was about $12. But I tried to stop you. That's a dollar a donut.

Wow. Which is not cheap. Well, I tried to stop you. I tried to stop you after three. And then I said, how about a half dozen? Right. And you just kept going. Yeah, I was on a roll.

I feel like. Well, you're on a donut. A roll is a whole different pastry. Now, if you want to do a dozen croissants or something, but it's your dime. Crescent. Oh, here we go. Crescent. Half a dozen, please.

Crescent. Crescent. French. Coussons. Croson. You're doing the dozen. Japanese. Two more.

Cosson. I'm going to keep my mouth shut about, like, eating. Well, I wish that the saxophonist would because then he'd be a flute. Huh. Keep his mouth shut. Yeah. Okay. What you have for breakfast?

Today? Yeah. I had flintstones of cocoa pebbles. Flintstones, cocoa pebbles. I think that's three different. It's cocoa pebbles. but it's the Flintstones. Barney and Fred are on the cover. Yeah.

And then they're playing with a bowl. And it looks, actually, if I'm being honest, since we're talking about it, it looks like a little crusty melanoma scouts. Right. Like cancerous, dark. Yeah. But somehow they're edible rice crisps that have been hollowed out to look like caveman bowls or something.

And do they may get at the hospital in the cancer ward? Is that where they produce the cereal? No, what they do is they feed it to you as a child so that by the time you're about 16, you are in the hospital in the cancer ward. Right, right. It's just full of all those wonderful cancer-inducing chemicals that get us into that nice restful place where there's free meals and attentive nurses and even people helping you go to the bathroom. Why wouldn't you want Coco Pebbles cancer?

It's pretty sweet cancer. Yeah, it's a good one. Except when people come to visit you at the hospital, they have to reach children. down through the bottom of the car and kick their legs. The ambulance, yeah. The ambulance takes a while to get there. Yeah. And don't get mistaken.

Don't go to the fruity pebbles cancer ward. That's where they keep the gay cancer patients. Oh, got it. So if you're okay with that, that's great. If you're gay or you're okay with the whole gay, that's fine. If you want to be in the fruity pebbles cancer ward, great. And then the British cancer patients are in the Cheerios section. Right, right.

Cheerio. And is that goodbye or hello? I guess if it's cancer, it should be goodbye. It's goodbye. Yeah, because you're probably... It's hello death. Yeah, goodbye life. And goodbye life.

Goodbye life. Cheerio. Cheerio. Cheerio. Oh. Yeah. Who knew cereal could be so cruel. I know. And we just dated as kids.

Yep. I don't even want to get into mini wheat. Yeah. Well, the Rice Krispies, you know, pop was the one that always felt like he was suicidal. Yeah, yeah, he felt like he was going to pop. Yeah, like he was going to pop. But then Snap was the one that always seemed like he was going to snap and then pop.

That's true. But Crackle was the one that ran outside to get away from them and got hit by lightning. And so they're all sort of on a death list. I think he was also smoking Crackle. Yeah, that's why he ran out. Well, talk about bringing up childhood trauma. You know, I was a bed wetter when I was a little boy. Your bed?

My bad. Yeah, my parents to cure it. Yeah. They stuffed my mattress full of Rice Krispies. And I'd wake up in the middle of the night and just be snapcrackle pot. I thought I was in the electric chair. I was like, you know, for about four weeks, I was just traumatized. I'd wet the bed and boom.

And I didn't know. They didn't tell me they stuffed my bed with Rice Krispies. Right, right. Wow. Yeah. But who knew Cyril had all these ulterior motives and things? I know. We just take, it's funny on life, we just take things for granted. Hugh granted even. Well, I think about Hugh Grant is it is true that you forget about him sometimes. Who? No, Hugh. No, Hugh. No, Hugh do I forget about. Hugh. Hugh do? No, Hugh Grant. Who is it? Who? Who? Grant?

Who grant. Who grants access to the Internet? Who grants? I don't know. You got me. Horton, here's a Who grant. Thanks. Four weddings at a funeral.

Love matters or whatever. The Christmas one. I don't look. Love actually. Love actually. Horton, here's a who grant. I can't name any more you Graham movies. Me neither.

That's probably why we're forgetting them. Why am I turning into Seinfeld? What's the deal of you, Grant? Orden here's Derry Seinfeld. What the hell are we talking about? Is this a podcast? Listen, let's get serious. I see the padding on the walls.

Like this is either, this is either like Paul Bunyan's the underside of his running shoes. Yes. Or we're on some kind of an asylum. I feel like we are. I do think that's an excellent idea for a podcast. It's just called the asylum. And every week you interview another schizophrenic. Can this be the pilot?

I think it kind of is. I think it is. Yeah. Because I feel insane. Is it better to have two schizophrenics interviewing each other? Or is it better for you to go in and interview one of them? I think it's better if you go in and interview one of them. Yeah.

Because you're the sane one, clearly. Right. Like your level. So you should have the credential to remain level and interview the schizophrenic or the knot or whatever you want to call them. Fucked hard. Who was it that said that they should pair up the schizophrenics when they walk down the street so it looks like they're talking to somebody else instead of to themselves?

Oh, wow. Somebody had that suggestion. Somebody. For the mentally ill. Yeah. Huh. I think for the mentally ill, couldn't you make any suggestion and it's an upgrade? Like, I think the mentally ill should lick sandpaper.

Yeah. Well, sticking their head in a fish tank. Right. And isn't that better than seeing them shitting over a log into a grocery bag on Main Street? Right, right. By an old lady's wheelchair. So you're saying distract them with something like. You know, do hopscotch while juggling dildos with a Yankees cap on.

You get it. You get it. You're right there. Yeah. Amazing. That's why you should be the, what I said, the host. I can relate to the insane. You just get it.

You get it. Yeah. You ever have any insane people in your family? Yeah. Who? Crazy Uncle Melvin. Really? Yeah. Jesus. Isn't it funny that you'd born with a name like Melvin and then you go insane?

You go insane. Or does the name cause you to go insane? Huh. Why would Melvin cause insanity? It just sounds like the name of a madman. Melvin. Huh. Yeah. Melvin the madman. Yeah. I guess. But then you could have, you know, Charlie the Psycho. Yeah. But Psycho starts with an ass.

Right, right. And so I guess that doesn't really work. That one doesn't work, but I do think naming your child certain things. Like if you name your son Harry, Harry, he's going to have back hair, he's going to have a big beard. It's self-fulfilling prophecy, I think. But then if you look at a very prominent Harry, Prince Harry, he's going bald. Right. So that debunked your theory right there.

Right. And I'm not trying to do that. I didn't mean to humiliate you on your own pilot podcast. Right. But I do like to point out accuracy as opposed to your law. It's important as opposed to inaccuracies. Right. Okay.

I'm trying to help. It's a pilot. I want it to go well. What about you name your daughter Sue and then she becomes a lawyer? Ooh. Or. Wow, that's a tough one. Or she becomes the first part of an Asian girl's name.

Oh. Like Woody Allen's daughter slash wife, Sue Ling. No, that's actually Soon Ye. Well, I mean, I hate to be the person that correct somebody on my own podcast. Yeah. But I like to keep things factual. Okay, but the first part was right, Sue. Soon ye.

Soon Ye. Yeah. So she was sort of Shakespearean? Like who uses Yee anymore? Yeah, that's true. I was one of Shakespeare's old scribes. He loved... If I didn't like to throw around a yee, it was shakes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and Kanye also, he throws around Yee. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, yee. I said, yeah, I'm getting mixed up. I was Danish sounding. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did Shakespeare ever get a chance to travel, or was he sort of landlocked in Great Britain? Like, did he ever get to Bermuda or Teague? First, I think great is overstating it. I think at a certain time, it was great.

I would call it mediocre Britain right now. They've lost everything. I'd actually say it's declining Britain right now. Maybe even lost Britain right now. I think it's lost Britain. Yeah. How about shit hole Britain right now? Right, right.

Like a new shithole. Yeah. Or old shit hole. I mean, there was a time when they say the sun never set on the British Empire. Meaning that at any given time, when the sun was up in the air, the sun was landing on land that was being controlled by the Brits. That's right. They had their lily white hands on everything. I mean, they had their jurisdiction ran.

from India to China to Hong Kong to Australia, Australia, the Falkland Islands, Canada. That's not curse. I mean, let's keep it a clean podcast. I didn't say Fuckland Islands. I said Falkland. Oh, I'm sorry. I misheard you. The Fuckland Islands are just off the coast of Chile. Oh. Where if you ever go on a vacation,

they just tell your travel agent you want to fuck off for a few weeks. And she knows right where you want to go, the Falkland Islands. Yes, because sometimes you get cold in Chile. so you want to get somewhere a little warmer. I caught a cold in chili and AIDS. Really? Yeah. I mean, when it gets really cold and chilly,

when it gets super chilly like chili Concarni, you might get the AIDS. Yeah, yeah. Isn't it funny, they call it AIDS, but it doesn't really help you do anything. It's not aiding me, yeah. I mean, it's aiding me into the Coco Pebbles Hospital. Right.

Not aiding me anywhere else. No. I guess it aids you in... Do you remember that it was... I'm not making this up. You're laughing at AIDS. Well... The first time you've really laughed the whole podcast

and it was right after you said AIDS, which makes me feel like you have a bit of a cold heart. Yeah. And I'm not trying to expose you or... Well, I was just in Chile. Do you remember there was an appetite suppressant? I'm not making this up. A-Y-D-S.

I used to eat them. No, you did it. My mother had them. They were little. little cubes. They looked like sugar cubes. They were called AIDS. But they were cut up like fudge, chocolate AIDS. And I thought, oh, man, I hit the fucking peter. My mother's got a box of chocolates. I knew they were like dietary supplements. But to a kid, chocolate fudge is chocolate fudge.

It's like when you put an ant trap out for an ant, it sees something delicious. But then it dies. So I would try, I tried to even like, you know, when you eat and you don't breathe through your nose and you just pretend that it's actually. chocolate fudge, but no, I was eating AIDS by the box. I wonder I got it. Did you lose a lot of weight? Well, yeah, I was a kid. Wow. So both AIDS make you lose weight, really? Right. Do you want to hear something really? This is sort of on the same topic. I, do you love a good deal? Do you love... kidding me? Okay, so I'm walking down the street the other day. And I see one of these,

you know those blow-up dolls that go like this in the end? the gas stations. Yeah, the hollowed out eyes. They're skinny as hell. And they look emaciated. And I went finally like a discount shoe warehouse. Yeah. And I go in and it was an AIDS clinic.

Oh, now you're laughing at AIDS again. So you're saying that the AIDS services are advertised by a guy who's. It looks like someone with AIDS. He's dancing. I realized it's like it must be an AIDS guy or something. Yeah. Perfect. But then I go in, they go, hey, what are you selling shoes?

I go, no, this is an AIDS clinic. And I said, oh, that's not for me. And then, like, everyone who's always trying to make a buck, they go, as I'm turning around, they go, would you like to try it? Yeah. And I said, well, what do I got to do? And they said, we have a monkey in the back, a Haitian monkey that used to belong to a Canadian, a Canada Air Canada airplane steward.

Okay. So it was a gentleman who was a stewardess. Yeah. Okay. And I read back, I got on Google right then and there. And apparently that was the dawn of AIDS, the origin of AIDS. Somehow is connected to Haiti, a Canadian Air Canada airline steward, whatever they're called, and a monkey, like a chimpanzee or something. was Eric Canhady?

I guess. Wow. But I guess the monkey they had in the back was somehow, you know. And how was the monkey infecting people with the Canhades? Well, I didn't stick around to find out. Yeah. I heard some shrieking in the back and then I could see this thing blowing around on the sidewalk out of my other eye. And I'm like, something felt like this wasn't for me.

And I just went and got a donut, a Dunkin' Donuts. How many did you get? I got as many as I could stack on my raw. so that no monkey could get to it. Kind of like insulation. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Yeah, that's good.

Actually, 12. Dough nut. Oh, no, I'm not doing it again. Whoops, my arthritis just kicked in. I can't help you. Listen. Yeah. You're here today, and I think it's kind of a day where people that we know are starting

to go away, you know, for the summer. I don't know about your friends. but like I live in Venice Beach and a lot of my friends, they have summer places, they rent out their houses in Venice for the summer. They get $10,000, $15,000 a month to rent out their houses and then they go rent a place in upstate New York for $3,000 a month. Can I just interject?

That's a glamorous way to say it. They rent their home for $15,000 a month to strangers. Or as I phrase it, you're letting strangers fart, fuck, and burp all over your private bed. Yes. So you, you know, what's value, what isn't?

I could never do it. I could never do it. All my friends do it, and all I think is, I literally would want to put a camera in to see if they're fucking out my house, but then you realize that you can't put a camera in your house when you rent it out. Well, you, I guess you can.

I didn't. Why are you looking at me? Why are you looking? No, I just, why you, I wouldn't, I've never done it. I've never watched Carol Johnson from Philadelphia who rented my house for three weeks from 729 Parker Street in Philly, 27 years old, bisexual lesbian friend, rented my house. You know, I wouldn't have a camera on them. Why would you even look at me like that?

What about Carol Eatsbush.com? That ISDN was tracked back to you last year, the pay site. Excuse me. Jesus, what was that? No, I just had a little acid flashback session. You need some AIDS. Mm-hmm. You want one?

Okay. Let me get the monkey. Okay. Mart. Hey, Mart. Hey, Mart. Dora. I was trying to finish.

We were hanging there. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes it just hanging. there. But yeah, I don't think you want strangers in your house. There's no amount of money. Like, if I was sitting on a bus and I looked across from here, there's a big fat white guy and his skinny emaciated wife or a black fat woman and a white guy or an East Indian and a white guy, whoever it was, I wouldn't want to be sitting on a bus thinking, those two could be fucking in my bed this weekend. Well, that's how I feel it. I feel like that in hotels sometimes.

I put my head down on the pillow and then I think the only thing between me and whether it's that Croatian guy from the metro that you were talking about or that Indian woman from the bicycle rental place. Yeah. Like the only thing between their face and 24 hours ago is a little thin piece of cloth and they were drooling on it and now my face is on it. Wacking off. How do you deal with that in hotels? Do you bring your own pillow? I just block it out. Yeah.

It's, you block it out. So many years, you and I have been sleeping in hotels, and every night the face on the pillow that a stranger was on. Oh, it is. If I thought about it, I couldn't do it. Well, think about in a restaurant. How many different people shoved that fork into their pie hole and sucked the whipped cream off the pie?

Or the spoon with the fucking whipped cream. Or how many people sat on the toilet seat at the motel? How many dirty oil rig workers with diarrhea and truck drivers from Bakersfield cracked a giant fucking pizza hot loaf on that same little seat you're sitting on? Or I make love to my wife. How many sweaty gardeners, pool cleaners, mechanics, doormen, Monkeys, neighbors, cousins, me. You? No.

No, no, sorry. to say, wow, what, wow. You said me. We're talking about men that it made love to my wife. Right, right, right. Yeah, I don't know. I'm sorry, I got on a flow and sorry. Well, thank you for being gentle. Mm-hmm. Boy, speaking of sex. Yeah. Have you been on Onlyfans? I finally went on this thing. All you hear about is OnlyFans.com. I've never been on it. All I hear about is OnlyFans.com. I've never been on it. I'd never been on it. All I hear about is onlyfans.com.

You got to go on it. So finally I go on this thing on the weekend. Yeah. And it's videos and pictures page after page. I'm scrolling. I'm on there for two hours. Like I'm on it so much suddenly my eyes are like twirling in my head. And I finally stopped and wait a minute.

I already have AC. I don't even need a fan. Right. And I'm like, why am I looking at these stupid mechanical applying? says, I could just go to Home Depot and get one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why am I online looking at these stupid fans? And I was like, it's dizzy.

I almost got sick. And do you, do you, uh, is there an interactive thing where you can ask the fan to oscillate or blow harder on the website? There was one page where you could, it was sort of like the, you pay a little extra. Yeah. And you see a man get his member cut off by a fan. Oh, Jesus. But I dipped in and out of that one fast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just wanted a fan. Right. And, but then it's, you know, you feel like such an idiot because you realize, wait, I've got air conditioning. Yeah. My house is cool. Yeah.

Why do I need a strange breeze blowing through my indoors? Indoor's isn't for winds. That's why we have walls. If I go to a website, I want variety. I would like, I would like it to be electronics.com, you know? Right. So that I can see fans. I can see air conditioners.

I can see a mini fridge. Not only fans. Yeah, yeah. It seems very specific. Only fans, yeah. Yeah. So that was sort of a wasted journey for me, but... Do you remember being poor?

I think that's the difference between being poor and okay is when you go from the fan to the air conditioner. That's a big step. Or you might want to say, do you feel old? because I think we kind of were born when there was no air conditioners. Well, yeah. So why don't we just keep it honest, okay, guy? When you were born, there was no air conditioner?

Both of us. Hello. And if there was, it was like very rarely. Let's go down to Uncle Carl's house. He's got this new thing called air conditioning. And 30 kids would stand there like celery in the grocery store. And it's really just, your uncle's refrigerator open with a, fan in it. Yeah, right. Yeah. Well, I think that was the big thing with, with global warming that

everyone missed. Yeah. It was, it was all these things go electric, do this, recycle. Yeah. And I think if people were just a little more generous with their AC, and they turned them around. Outside. And so they were facing outside. And even if they did it, you know, three, four days a week, you don't have to do it all the time. But if everyone sort of turned their AC around, left their freezer hanging open, open some windows. I think we really could have cut down the whole global warming thing by decades. Yes. And I think our diets could have changed it. Less beans, less cabbage. Right, because they said all the methane was... Big part of it is the methane. The cows mostly, though. Yes. The cows farting. Yeah. Because I, you know, I'm guessing that a human fart,

if I could, you know, sort of guess that if it was, if there was volume to it, maybe a human fart feels like it would be a hardball and baseball. Yeah. But a, but a cow fart feels like it would be like a beach ball. A beach ball. You know, like a big beach ball. And so those, those gentle, uh, milk squirting whores. Yeah. Almost had did us in. Jesus. I mean, think of, uh, climbing all the way spending $250,000 to climb to the top of Everest. Uh-huh. Just to get that picture so you can boast to the world. And you get up there and there's not a speck of snow or ice. It's just a rocky crag. Right.

And somewhere in Montana, a herd of Guernsey's or chuckling behind a bush or a salt lick, knowing that they ruined that expensive experience for you. They melted the snow because of their giant beach ball-sized shit molecule. And you're on Mount Edwards just with a beach ball. Everybody's, it's like a, it's like a Grateful Dead concert. Everybody's hitting the beach ball up. but then it pops and it smells horrible. Yeah, smells like grains and rice and corn.

Corn. Corn and Heather. Yes. Who's Heather? She's a smelly girl that I went to school with. Yeah. Some people are just smelly. Yeah, my cousin, I'm not going to say her name,

but she has big tits. Not milk jug Sally, is it? It's not milk jug Sally. Okay. But when she hugs me now, she does this thing where she turns sideways. You ever get that hug from a woman with big tits? Right the last second, they just put their arm around you, but they don't let you in. Yeah.

They won't let you motorboat. Yeah. It's just a hug. It's my cousin. I'm not going to motorboater, but I'm going to hug her. I'm going to hug her. You, okay. I'm going to get a good hug.

Okay. You know. Like sort of a hug where they separate and wrap around you. and now she's got her arms out and the tints are actually hugging you? And then you get your elbows down, down and back. Right. And then she's not going anywhere. And then the nipples sort of lock like they've got magnets on them.

They go, and then they're just, so now her hooter nannies are right around, almost constricting you like a ball python in the Amazon. Right, right. Wow. And then. Is this cousin of yours on Tinder or anything? She's on OnlyFans, which is weird. She's an electronic salesperson. Okay.

Yeah. So she showcases a lot of the, new the GE models. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, those are beautiful. I've seen about 300 of them. Well, that's why they're called GE.

Gee. You look at it, you go, G. Jesus Christ. You think that's why he's called Jesus Christ? Those people are like, gee. Oh. Christ. Yeah.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, probably. Yeah. I mean, you see a full-grown man with a beard or a hippie walking across a lake. Yeah. You're bound to go, gee. All right. and then

Christ says someone probably wants says Christ and then just put them together kind of like you know y'all

you all just two words yeah y'all so gis says Christ Jesus Christ I would say that

if I saw a guy walking across a lake or I'd say like you know if I saw a man walk across it I'd either be like Jesus Christ

or I'd be like what in the name of resource Witherspoon's G-string is going on here. Yeah. Or what in the name of Morgan Freeman's little speckled cheeks is happening? Like, you know, things are just flow into your head. Well, and also then you see him and he's walking down the lake,

and so you yell out, you know that there's a hole in the ice, and so you wave to him, and then you go like that for him to move over. So you're doing this, and I think that's where that came from, is like, there's a hole up there. Watch out. Go that way. Wait, wait. Ice?

No, no, it's a hole in the ice. Yeah, but to say ice, I mean, any of us could walk across a lake at that point. And I don't think there was ice in the Mediterranean region where Jesus kind of partied. Well, of course, there were. They were all immigrants. Jesus was an immigrant. There had to be ice. Right.

Yeah. You think of that. Yeah. Wow. I would have ran across a lake. too if I saw ice coming for me. That's right. Interesting. It is interesting that Jesus was an illegal immigrant. He was born. He was an anchor baby.

Is that right? Well, he was born in a foreign land. Oh, I thought you meant he grew up to read the evening news. Yes. Well, not even grew up. Read it as a baby. So he was an anchor baby. He was an anchor baby. Yeah. Wow. Right. Good evening. This is Jesus H. Christ. Today in the news. I caused everything. Right? And now the weather.

And now the weather, which I will make right now. Lightning, rain, and, you know. Yeah. All right. Why not? Big star in the sky tonight. You can take a look at that. Talk about controlling the media.

Oh, my God. When you make the news, you are the news, you deliver the news. Yeah. Wow. Right. The Jews control. the media and the weather. Yeah.

Jeez. MSNB sieges. Unbelievable. That was good. It was? Yeah. Finally. We've been sitting here an hour and I finally...

Oh, my God. You cracked me. I did. Yeah. You got me. Remember that show, make me laugh where a comedian would have to try to make another comedian laugh? Yeah, vaguely.

Yeah. I remember clips. I didn't live in the States when that was happening. Best show. I remember Mark Cohen was very good at. You know Mark Cohen, a comedian out of New York. I know the name. I'm not sure I remember him. It was sort of before I moved down to the States. It was in the 80s, right? It was in the 80s. Early 80s. Yeah. And then, no, and then they reprised it in the early 90s, I think. But yeah, you had to sit down. And I think if you were an audience member would sit there and then the comedians would go up and they'd take turns trying to make them laugh. Should we try it?

I mean, can I try it on you? Well, no, we have to do with Doug. No, on you. You're a comedian. I mean, you're a challenge to me, guy. Well, it's kind of like trying to do a trick for another magician. They kind of know how the trick. Give it a shot.

I don't think I'm going to laugh. It feels like you're sort of shutting me down here. All right. My apologies. I am open to laughing if you can make me laugh. Because I think I can get you on the first one. Okay. Let's start the clock.

Okay, here we go. Ready? Yep. A bear. walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender, pulls out a $20 bill, slams it on the bar. He says, bartender, give me a gin and tonic. And the bartender says, hey, what's with the big paws? Got you guy. I fucking got you. You laughing little whore. I got you so deep and so hard. I think the key was because you really leaned into the pause.

The joke doesn't work unless you have the confidence to let it sit there for a good 10 seconds. And that's why I had the confidence to come at you and come out your heart. I think I basically ran up on you and did a rambo. Okay. Let me give you one. Okay. Or why don't we say why don't you try one? Okay, let me try one.

Okay, hang on. Okay. And go. City Slickers driving through the country. He's got a little convertible. and he's blaring some rock and roll. And on the trees, he sees a sign up that says, Talking Dog, $100.

And he kind of chuckles about these, you know, country yokos and keeps driving. He's another sign. Talking Dog, $100 with this arrow pointing down. He goes, I got to see this. I got to see what these people are all about. So he drives down a dirt road, comes to a driveway, pulls up, and there's a farmer standing there in overalls,

hound dog down at his feet. And the guy looks at the farmer, and he goes, this the talking dog? And the dog goes, why are you talking to him? I'm the talking dog. No need to talk to him. You can talk to me. I've been all around the world.

I went to Harvard, studied linguistics. I was over in Afghanistan. I was there on 9-11 dragging the bodies out of the rubble. And the guy looks at the farmer and he goes, this is unbelievable. How could you be selling this dog for only $100? Farmer goes, because he's a fucking liar. We're going to take a break.

Now, when we come back, we're going to be with Jesus Christ. Well, wait, wait, hold on, guy. Don't you even want to know how I was able to survive that joke? How did you do it? Okay, so that was like making love to Farah Fawcett and not orgasming. So here's what I do, and this is a method that your viewers can use, that you can use next time. Yes, I saw your mouth moving. Yes, I was sort of hearing your joke.

Yeah. But in my mind, in order to not laugh, and this is cute, I was picturing you duct tape to a bed in Jeffrey Dahmer's apartment, and he was slowly eating your bowels with a nice garlic sauce and eating your legs and eating your eyes out of your skull. In that order? And slowly pulling them, and the arteries and veins when you pull an eye, he was sucking them like a lady in the tramp when they sucked the spaghetti and came together. So he sucked both your eyes. Wow. And your blood was pooling over the side of the bed and dripping through the ceiling into the neighbors down below. And I pictured the neighbors going, if we got a leak, but it was your blood.

And then I went back up into the room and he was eating your fingers sort of like, you know how when you get a chicken wing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You pull it off the bone. He was doing that with each of your fingers. And then he spread eagled you and he gargled your nuts. Wow. Yeah. So it looked like the cover of a Taylor Swift album.

Yeah, so there's no way I was going to laugh. But I would think, and forgive me, we've been friends for a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I genuinely think I care about you and I hope that you care about me. Of course they do. That's evident. If I had a vision of those things happening to you, eyeballs hanging out by the tendrils, fingers chewed off, bowels, chewed on.

That's what I do. I wouldn't have laughed, but you know what? I would have cried. And that kind of hurts me a little bit that you didn't experience that. Before you get all emotional, before your thong gets, before you twist your ginch into a niche, why don't we try it? I'll do the bear joke again. Okay. You adopt my methodology.

Okay. The first time I did it, you cracked like a dirty egg under a rooster's asshole. Right. But watch what happens this time if you implement my teachings. So look at you and envision Jeffrey Dahmer. You're duct tape to a bed. You tell me what you envisioned after. It doesn't have to be exactly what I did, but take my teachings and apply them to your psyche.

Okay. And you can tell me, first let's see if it even works. Okay. But I think it might. Yeah. Ready? Okay. Go ahead.

A great big giant bear walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender, pulls out a $20 bill. Your tendrils, your eyes, your fingers. It works. Well, no, it doesn't work because if anyone would just shut off the sound, if you're a student of humanity of people, of acting of mime, crying and laughing, look interchangeable when there's no sound. Right, right, right.

So you're sitting here going, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah. So a deaf person listening to this at home. Deaf person is listening to this podcast? That's what I just said. Hear much? How do they know it's over? What I'm telling you, Gargo Boy, is that they probably thought you were laughing your ass off.

So do you want to try this once more and just cut the fucking emotions? Okay, got it. Or can you? I don't know. Let's do it. Tell you a little joke. I'm starting to think you're no Merrill Streep. There is no way.

Merle Haggard or Merrill Street? Merle Streep. Do you think they're related? Who? Merrill Streep and Merle Hagger? Yeah. Merrill Streep and Merrill Haggard. No, but if they got married, they'd be murgillig.

Yes. Or just granola bar. Do you want to try it once more and see? I just want you to shine. Okay. This time I'm going to look at you and I'm going to picture, I'm just going to picture you naked. Well, you weren't supposed to tell, but okay.

All right. Ready? Yeah. A giant bear walks into a bar. He... Okay, a deaf person... Oh, God, I'm... Oh, sorry.

I didn't laugh. Yeah. No. Are you okay? You are hung like a... Say it? Like a bear in a bar that's ordering a...

What's with the big... And then we replace the word pause with something else. Yes. Okay, hey, look, you can't do it. It's okay. I did it. You didn't. It's all right. There's winners and losers in life. What's their money on this? No, but there's pride. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's reputation. Sure. There's continuation of one's craft. Right. One's podcast generating a positive buzz so that it continues and rises. And then there's these ones that just sort of fall off because they see the host can't really deliver the goods.

Right. And I'm not saying that's you. No. But what are they saying? What's Meryl Streep saying right now? Hmm. I don't know, but I wish she'd shut up. Whatever it is. All right, listen. Oh, do you have some questions?

I'm sorry. Well, this is what you do in your podcast, which I do now. I'm on a rotation on your podcast of how often? Every six weeks player. Every six weeks. I looked at the calendar today. It was five weeks ago that I was on. Actually, it was two weeks ago.

Oh, did it not air until recently? Thanks for noticing. So you recorded and then you waited three weeks for it to air? Is that how you do it? Yeah. Because this is streaming live. It is. Yeah.

Boy, you might want to reconsider that because there's a lot of stuff in here. Of you, I would have edited out. Especially just that failure we saw. Let's talk about your website. you don't have one. I do. You don't have a website. What do you mean?

Well, if you do, it's not easily searchable. I tried to look up your tour dates so I could plug them properly. And the only thing I could find is a thing called Harlan Williams Tour Tickets.org which has incorrect dates for you. Do you know my name?

I've ever typed in Harlan Williams.com? It's real easy to find. Do not know how the internet works? Hello, aOL.com on line four. Welcome to the 90s. It's hardland, right? Harlandwiliams.com. Oh, Harland Williams.

I'm going to check right now. It's got all my tour dates. It's got that talks about my upcoming movie, Wingman that I wrote and directed and star in that's coming out on all the streaming services, Apple, Amazon, wild comedy about a crazy wingman who helps losers get laid, streaming. Oh, I like the sound of that. Jamie Kennedy, Russell Peters, Kayla Wallace.

Oh, there it is. Look how easy that was. You just don't know how to spell my name. I think I might have left off the D on Harland. And we've known each other how long? Talk to me, Greg. Many, six Simmons. Many years.

Many years. I'm so embarrassed right now. Not as much as they are. Who? Them. The people listening to the show? The ones that are already fleeing from that debacle we just had. And now you're just, another layer of the lasagna just left the pan.

Jesus. You better dial it up, Nacho. Have you thought about having just Harland.com or something like that? You know what? If I had Harlan.com, you still would have forgot the D and gone to Harlan.com. And who knows where that leads. It is a silent D though. Not really.

You just said it. Like the laughter when I told my joke. You're like a, it was a silent D. I think you were, I think you were giving me the D in your name. We've known each other how long? 25 years. And you just realized you don't know how to spell my name. Wow.

Sometimes things pop up that really challenge a friendship. Yeah. Wow, guy. You mean like a friend, seeing another friend disembowled and being attacked? by a mass murderer and not shedding a tear or even looking concerned? How do you think that made me feel? Well, that was the device I used to deflect your comedy power. Yes.

That was a testament to you. That was a compliment to you that I have to go that deep and that hard. It's like my Captain America Shield to bounce off your comedy power coming at me. To see you being eaten alive, disemboweled. sucked on by Jeffrey Dahmer. That's the highest comedy compliment one can get, sir. Yeah, yeah, you went hard.

You felt like you had to really challenge yourself. You're tough. You're funny as fuck. Thank you. Thank you. Except for today, but, you know, when you come at me, I have to, like, put the shield up. Right, right. When Captain America throws his panty shield

and the red and the blue and the white show through. That's not my joke. That's John Wing Jr.'s Joe. Never heard of them. Neither will you. How do you spell it? You don't know. No, you don't know.

You don't know spellings. What do you call a fish with no eyes? Don't tell me. A fish with no eyes. Well, there is a fish called a walleye. Mm-hmm. So the answer technically could be a wall eyeless. and that's a real fish.

They're all over Minnesota, also known as the pickerel. Is that true? The walleye. They've got cloudy, milky eyes. They almost look blind. Wow. So technically I gave the right answer. Yeah.

But what's your answer? What do you call a fish with no eyes? Right. And this is coming from a guy who can't spell. This is the perfect line of comedy for you. This is perfect for me. Yes. Yeah.

But we do a thing on Halloween, my friend Matt Malloy, who I think you know, He's an actor. Do you know him? Well, he's an actor, so do I really know him? That's true. He does a thing on his lawn. Every Halloween, he sets up a little speaker and a microphone. And when little kids come and they want to get treats, he says to them, you can get a treat. I'll give you a treat right now. Or if you tell a joke, or sing a song, I'll give you two treats. And all these kids line up in front of his house and they all perform. And that was this year's best joke. of the night was the fish with no eyes from like a from like a five-year-old well is that the best one

or is the walleye one the best well well walleye walleye walleye you've never heard of a walleye it sounds like something you tell somebody to wait for like you stand there while i go put on some pants huh some underwater pants yes scuba gear you're a fish scuba gear you're You've never heard of a walleye. No. It's one of the most flavorful freshwater fish. Do you catch them? Yes, I've caught them.

Are you a big fisherman? Yes, I am. I guess that, but I didn't know that. Well, you don't even know how to spell my name. Well, I think it was my computer. I think my computer auto-corrected. Auto-corrected wrong? Yeah, I guess so.

You have this Fisher-Price computer? Like what kind of, you have a rotten Apple computer? Mm-hmm. You have a stupid Dell Taco? Uh-huh. Like, what do you got, Guy? Yeah, yeah. Auto-corrected wrong.

I don't know. I mean, it's just, it's Harlem. Is it Irish? What is the origin of that? The origin of my name comes from my parents who, when I wasn't born yet, they used to watch. It was either a movie, an old black and white movie, or some kind of sitcom, an early. television sitcom in black and white. Yeah.

And when I asked them the origin of my name, they said Harland was the name of one of the characters on this said movie or sitcom. I'm going to ask my dad. I'm going to see him on Father's Day. I'm going to ask him. Oh, good. That's nice. And so it was fitting that out of the five kids in my family,

I was the one that went into show business, and I almost feel like it was preordained because my parents gave me a name, founded in show business. Yeah. So it's kind of odd. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. It goes back to our early discussion about like Harry being Harry. Yeah. Or Sue being a lawyer. Right. And Harlan became an actor. That's fitting. Yeah.

Harlan went into show business. Right. Interesting. I wonder if they were happy. Is your mom still with us? My mom passed about six years ago from lung cancer. That's okay. It's part of the cycle of life.

Wonderful woman. Yeah. Beautiful, dynamic, intelligent woman. Yeah. Stayed with your dad all those years? All the years. Married and then they redid their vows a year in because there was a lot of fighting. But no, they redid their vows at 50 years.

Wow. Yeah. That's sickness and health thing. That's why they redid the vows. Make sure they really heard you at the first time. That's right. That's right. Yeah.

Uh-huh. But yeah. So. Were you at the wedding, the second wedding? I went to the second vow thing, yeah. Did you speak? Did you give a little toast? I did. We added together a little video and we showed it up on the screen, kind of a recalculation of their journey and their lives. Yeah. Did you kill? Did you give a toast and kill?

I didn't get up and speak. We sort of all the kids, the kids put together this video that we all contributed to. And each person gave a little speech within the video. video. And you have four sisters and a brother? Four sisters. Four sisters and a fake brother. Yeah, what is the fake brother? So my fake brother is Steve Williams. Yeah. Who was my college roommate in animation school. Uh-huh. So we went to animation school together. Our real fathers were buddies in university. Uh-huh. So that's how we met because they found out that each boy was going to the same animation school. So being the first year, they know they needed roommates. So they introduced us. We went out there and became roommates. And so I went on into

the entertainment industry and got a little notoriety and acclaim. And people sort of started to know who I was. And I do interviews and do press. And then Steve went on to the animation industry and was the guy who revolutionized not only the animation industry, but the world in a degree. he created, not used the technology, but created the technology for computer graphics and computer animation. He created the T-Rex for Jurassic Park. Out of Toronto? No, he was now working at ILM in Northern California. So he created the T-Rex against the wishes of the studio.

They said it wouldn't work. And so he went on to get much notoriety from that. He created the liquid Terminator in T2 and the liquid tentacle in the abyss and all this stuff. And so he started doing interviews and getting notoriety. And in college, we would always get people saying, are you guys brothers? Because we shared the same last name. And we got so tired of telling the long story I just told you that we just go, yeah, we're brothers. Right, right.

everyone just went, okay, your brothers. That ended that. Yeah, because I really thought you had a brother. That's right. And so then we both started doing press separately. And one day, we're so used to saying, brother, Steve was doing a big interview for Jurassic Park. I was, yeah, my brother Harland. And the writer, oh, Harlan Williams, he goes, yeah.

And we don't think about delineating it because we just, that's how we've referred to herself for decades. So suddenly the phone started ringing at our families. and they're like, Lorraine, do you have another son you didn't tell us about, John? So then he got in the press and now everyone thinks we're brothers and then it became too much work to tell this story to diffuse it. Right. So now we just say brothers and to this day we say we're brothers and we're close like that. I mean, I was on with them all morning texting.

Really? Oh yeah. As you guys ever worked on an animated project together? We're working on one right now that we think that's what we're texting about. It's not the first time. We worked on one in college. We did some little movies together. But we've been trying to get something going for many years. And this is the beauty of AI, because we put together some ideas that I think are worthy of the world seeing. Yeah. That when we pitched them to Disney and Netflix and Amazon and all the, they all said no. And now this is why I love AI. And there's all these people like fuck AI. But I love it because for, us to make a two-minute demo of our idea, our concept, by the way.

It's an animated, I'm assuming. Animated show. By the way, half coming from the mind of the guy who changed the world with T-Rex, Jurassic Park. This is the guy they said no to. Yeah. And me who created puppy dog pals a five-season hit on Disney Jr. So we know our animation. Yeah.

And so now for us to go out and create our idea and present it to the world in the traditional format of a few years ago, would probably cost us $60,000 to $100,000. Now we can do it for $700 and it looks like a Pixar movie. So I'm loving it. So that's what we're- We're right at the edge. We're probably going to be done by the end of June. Amazing.

And we're going to put it up on YouTube. We're not even, all the people that denied us that passed on us, we're going to go right to the public and go, here. and I think we're going to do a... With the two minutes. With the two minutes, but we're also going to do short episodes. And then I think we're going to start a GoFundMe so that we can, you know, get some money behind it to expand it. Well, now the whole thing is vertical drama.

So this could be the first animated vertical drama. Yeah, we've talked about that. Yes, a little 90-second episodes. Yeah. So that's what's on the template right now with me and my fake brother. Yeah. So you're the first. Yeah, you're the first to hear about it, to be honest.

I've never talked about it, and I wasn't going to, but you kind of extracted it from me organically. Yeah, yeah. So here it is. Wow, congratulations. Well, you know, it's not, it's congratulations if it gets some fanfare and takes up. But we want it to stimulate people. We want it. It's, I'm not going to tell you what it is, but I'll tell you the genesis of it.

Yeah. Is to stimulate young artists. Yeah. and to encourage them to ride their creativity and use it as a life force. And I won't elaborate too much more, but it's really centered around encouraging young artists to believe in their artistic voice. And so it's a really neat cartoon that sort of, I don't want to give too much away, but that's sort of the realm.

And you'll see it when you see it. but it's, we're excited. How many voice actors are in it? Well, that's the other thing, you know, and you're going to get, oh, you fucking AI, but I want AI to do the voices. That's the beauty of it. I don't have to hire voice actors.

I don't have to pay residuals to voice actors. And I don't have to book voice actors, and I don't have to deal with their moods or their egos or their time or their schedule. This is the only way we could do it. Yeah. And that's why I love it. And to be honest, some of the AI voices that AI is creating for, I'm hearing them.

I'm going to go, that fits perfectly with that character. I love it. So you just feed in. I want a voice that sounds like. Yeah. And it's, I'm just like, this is the beauty of AI. And you're talking to a guy who's in the animation field where I should be the guy going, oh, screw AI.

It's going to take, let it take my job. Right. Let it take, that way I can produce more. Uh-huh. You know, in my lifetime, if I'm lucky, I could maybe crank out, two, maybe three animated series in my life, if I'm lucky, maybe with AI, I could crank out 300. Yeah.

And yeah, you might be like, oh, that's too much. It's going to be garbage. No, it's only garbage if you let it be garbage. Right. Who cares? Let the people decide if it's garbage or not. So you're embracing this change. Oh, I love it.

Yeah. I love it. And every week it gets more elaborate and more advanced. And, yeah. And what else are using AI for? Are you doing your promos and your clips? and your graphics. And I'm experimenting with it.

And, you know, I write short stories. I write books. I have four or five books of short stories you can get on Amazon. And because I was trained in animation and I'm a student of film, I write very cinematically. And so I've always written my short stories that are usually between 60 and 200 pages. I write them very... A 200 page short story? Yeah, sometimes they bleed a little long.

But most of them are shorter than that. maybe around 160 is my longest one. Okay. But I write them very cinematically. And now for the first time in my life, I'm really starting to think that many, if not, all of my short stories are going to come to life because of AI. Right.

Which never would have happened. Yeah, I would have felt great joy in the fact that people could read them. Yeah. But I would love for people to see them played out on Celluloid or film. or digital. Would you use AI for your own voice on those or would you do it yourself? No, I'd let AI. I'd instruct AI.

Like if I needed a deep truck driver voice, I'd let AI find it until I found one I liked. And if I needed a beautiful soft woman's voice. But not only that, but to see AI, you know, set up the shots and interpret the material. And AI is getting smarter and smarter and I'm like, let it make a visual masterpiece of my story. What a bonus. How far are we from AI being able to write a joke? Because it still can't. Every comic is tried. I disagree. Really? I had it happened. This was two and a half years ago. Uh-huh. Our friend Howie Mandel has a giant warehouse out in the valley. I've been there. I've been there. Yeah. Like holograms of comedians.

Holograms and he also has an AI robot. Did you see it? It's a it's a hologram of an AI robot. Right. And when I was there two years ago, he, He said, hey, come meet the AI robot. And I said, okay. And what I would really ask me? He goes, hey, AI, this is Harlan Williams. Do write some jokes as Harlan Williams. And I just ran out right away.

I was like, this is going to be like, knock, knock, who's there? Lettuce, lettuce, and it's cold outside. Like, I thought it would be horrible. So remember, this is two and a half years ago. Yeah. This little thing took about 25 seconds. it just kind of stood there. And then also was like,

hey everybody. And it rift off five jokes and three of them I would use. No kidding. It did it in my cadence, in my pattern. It wasn't perfect. Yeah.

But it was all around it. And it captured the weirdness and the bizarreness of my style, not perfect, but close enough that it wrote a joke where I went, I would use that. Wow.

I would tweak it a bit. I've never heard any comedian say that. Well, you better get used to it. because it's called intelligence. It's not called stupid. It's just getting better and smarter. Oh, no, I have no doubt it will get there. Yeah.

I just personally haven't seen it work for comedians. Next time you go to Howie's, ask his AI robot and just see what happens. Yeah. You might still be, no. Right, right. Dude, I didn't want it to happen. I mean, I wouldn't say I didn't want it. I was open to it.

Yeah. But I was completely skeptical. I was like, there's no way. Damn. When it did it, I was like, and that was the day AI won me over. And I wasn't threatened by it. I wasn't like, oh, it's going to, it's like. Well, even if it's only 50% there, you're 50% into a joke.

Yeah. Which is really where you start anyway. I mean, thinking of a premise for a joke is half the work. Yeah. But there was three that were 90% there. Yeah. It was astonishing. I have a note pad in my phone and I write down like when I have an idea for a joke.

I'll just jot it down. And then when I'm having a kind of a day, which, you know, some guys, I really think a guy like Nate Bergotsi or Jim Gaffigan, like I think they literally sit down every day and have the discipline to just... Right, like Terry Seinfeld. Yeah, like they literally sit down for three or four hours a day and writes.

Yeah. And the rest of us, I mean, even Louis C.K. says he literally never sits down and writes and he just comes up with it on stage, which I don't think is 100% true, but that's what he says. Right. But I come up with the ideas and then I sit down and write in streaks. Sometimes I'll go three days in a row and I'll write. And then I'll go a month without actually sitting down and write.

Okay. But I'll be going on stage, so I'll be working stuff out. Yeah. But the genesis of the idea will get put into this note app. Guy is called a pastor, but it should be called. He's called a pastor because he walks past her and over to him. So he's a him-her. Well, he's gay.

He's by. He's transitioning. Well, I'm not saying he has to pay for it. I think the boy is free. Okay. Because he's a priest. But you said he's him-her. Pastor.

To him. Pastor over to him. So he's transitioning. No, he's walking past a girl and walking up to a boy. Right, but somewhere in the middle, somebody must have transitioned. Yeah. Right, right, right.

Because he made a transition from a boy over to a girl. Yeah. Oh, over a girl to a boy. I mean, something's going on sexually here. Yes, yes. Yeah, it's a sex joke. Yeah, which I try not to do. You know me.

I keep it pretty clean. It's pretty hard to not write a sex joke when you bring. a priest into the mix. Well, you know, I grew up Catholic and I was around a lot of priests. I bet you are. I believe me. And they were all, I always wonder when I got older like because my brother was an altar boy. I wasn't an altar boy, but I was there a lot. I was at CCD class on Wednesday nights and church on Sunday and there'd be like little field trips. And nothing funny, nothing untured ever happened. Okay. And then I asked somebody like, who is, you know what a Eucharistic minister is?

Do I? Aren't they the ones that climb up the trees in Australia and eat the leaves? Yes. Okay. Is that a koala? Are you talking about? That's all they eat is Eucharictus. Yes.

So I found out my friend's parents were Eucharistic ministers who were very close to the priests. They told me when I got older, the priests were banging all the married women in town. The women? The parishioners. Yes. What was wrong with those priests? I thought they liked the guys. Well, wow.

Our church must have gotten the leftovers. They were banging all the women? And how did the men react when they found out? I don't know if they knew. But I think with priests, that's creepy. That's the whole thing is that with priests, people look the other way because they're endowed with this, like, they're close to God. So you can't really question them. It's a con job, really.

Yes. And they're using God as their mask to be pervert. Right. Not all of them. No, no, no, but some, some. Some. Some. Most.

And most some give the good ones a bad rap, which is so sad. Well, it's like cops, you know. Yeah. There's a lot of good cops out there. I have friends that are good cops. Yeah, of course. They're almost social workers. They get into it because they want to make society better.

Yeah. Most cops are good, like, good people. Good moral people that are, you know, they can be stained by the corrupt, underbelly of the world that they have to touch every day. Yes. And that's, you know, don't knock it until you've done it. It's one thing to say, oh, that cop did something bad or he's tarnished, but live in their world for even a year.

Literally putting your life on the line every day. But not only that, but seeing the dark underbelly of people that we think we know by watching CSI and cop shows, but when you really rub up against it in the real world, There is a door that opens, and I've seen it because I worked for the cops for a bit. You did? Oh, yeah. And I saw it, and I've seen it, and it's dark. Yeah.

And it's a hard place to erase from your memory. And so when a cop walks up to your window and gives you a ticket and you start lipping off and giving them attitude, you may just think you're lipping off to a guy that just got off a motorcycle and is trying to be cocky, it may be is, but the layers. of darkness that he's had to see and live in and work in, that affects a man and a woman. So remember that. Because it's day in and day out. And you are under constraints of normal human behavior.

Like if somebody was attacking you in real life, you would do whatever it took to stop that person. When you're a cop, you have to abide by certain regulations. And again, I'm not excusing the ones that step over that line. Right. No one is. But it starts to build up and it can make you angry. It can make you see people in a way that objectifies them instead of humanizing them after a while, which is why I think they do retire early and they should.

I don't think you can do a job like that for 40 years. Well, it's not only that it can touch you like a fog or a mist. Or do you remember in that movie Ghost when people would die and those black goblins came in the shadow? and ran into people's souls. So there's an underbelly of darkness. Like, I bet if I asked you, what's the darkest thing you've ever seen in your life outside of seeing a loved one laying in a coffin at a funeral?

Like, what's the... I saw a guy on 2nd Avenue one night carrying a skinned dog across the street. Okay, which is not pleasant. And not to, you know, minimalize critters. Yeah. It was a dog. You know, it was a...

dog. Yeah. But, you know, I've seen stuff like I've seen, I've seen young girls rolled in on a gurney that were murdered and raped. I've seen pictures of young girls sitting in a foot of water on a lake where the father put a cinder block on the back of her head and tied her hands behind. Really? Oh, yeah. There's stuff, but look at your expression. And that's just me telling you about it. So these cops live in this world that most of us never even get exposed to outside of the fantasy realm of entertainment. What did you do with the cops that you were exposed to this? So I worked in the mail room. And so all this stuff had to go through me. And I had to move and deliver mail to all areas from the morgue to the police commissioner to the forensic lab.

Yeah. So I would see and be around everything. In the mail room, we'd get photographs of crime scenes. Wow. And the stuff. And you had to look at it because you had to file. Oh yeah. We had to open the mail and then distribute it to and so it was just the stuff. And that was just me for a year. And that's when I went, wow, these guys got in you a little bit then, the goblins. Yeah, it touched me. Do you think it made you a comedian on some level? No, but it gave me a deeper understanding of the forces of bad and good in the world, darkness and light, good and evil. And these were levels that I just assumed I understood and knew because I'd seen movies like John Wick and The Punisher and Dirty Harry.

Like, oh, yeah. But when you see it in real time, when you... Do you think it's evil or do you think it's mental illness? It's evil. It's, well, it's, well, there's murders and crimes that come from a result of mental illness. but there's a darkness to a person that will put a brick on a child's head or murder or rape a child. That's what I'm saying. There's a level that goes deeper that is very dark.

And if you don't believe in it, then, you know, you don't have to. But wow, there's forces in this world that most common people don't. ever access or really see. I mean, trauma is a very real, and it's physiological. Trauma gets into your body, and it affects not just your moods, but it can literally affect your back. You can have back pains. You can have migraines.

You can have sleeplessness, you know? You can, fuck, your hands can shake. I mean, trauma gets trapped in you physically. Yeah. And the only way to get it out is through some type of therapy. A lot of people are doing PTSD. Have you heard of that? It's a way of releasing trauma. They use it with troops coming back. Troops coming back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I wonder, do they offer that to you at all on that job? Do they offer you therapy? No, because I was naive to it. I was just, I was like in my early 20s and I was like, holy crap, look at this stuff. But the deeper side of me realized you can feel it. You can feel it. You can see it. I mean, I went into the. I went into the forensic lab one day. And, you know, these guys, to them, it's their everyday world.

So they're like, oh, come on in. And I went in and I'll never forget seeing a body laying on the table, the autopsy table, with a cloth over it, a white cloth. And on the floor was this woman's clothes. She was a fairly petite, probably 25-year-old woman, like the jeans, the shirt, blood splattered all over them. and here was her body draped with a white cloth, and coming out from under the cloth was a rope with blood on it,

and the rope was frayed. And I asked the forensic scientists, I said, what happening was this girl jumped off her balcony, at 37-floor balcony, tied a rope around her neck. And when the rope went taut, it snapped, and she careened all the way down to the ground. So she was laying on the table with the rope still on her neck. And, you know, I've always held that in my head as like one of my short stories one day.

I don't know what it is, but this is the, it's powerful imagery. Yeah, right. And even when another person's not involved, there's a darkness that gets into people. And so it's there. And so that's why I don't want this to sound grim, but that's why it's so important to always value the light. and the light into your life and always think of the light and let the light wash over you. Even if it's sunlight metaphorically, like remember that life's such a gift and it's fragile. It could go off the rails at any time.

So always let yourself bring in the light even when you're feeling sad. I know. I've been having that thought lately because I just turned 60 and my wife and I've been together 26 years. Wow, congrats. Our dads are gone. but both our moms are healthy. Nice. Our kids are healthy.

They love us. We have good friends. And I just said to her the other day, I go, you know, this is one of those moments. We have to just relish because things change. All of a sudden, you can be a full-time caregiver to a parent. You can have a child. Your child could die and your life would never be the same. Yeah.

And so we've kind of been like doing more stuff. We've been going on bike rides more. And we just planned a trip to Hawaii next month out of the blue. and we're really living and we're appreciating that, yeah, like you said, it can change. So grab now. I mean, we're fucking physically healthy. Yeah. And don't wait until a lot of people do wait.

Not that you have. You've lived a good, like, robust life, but some people do wait till they retire. I know. But life goes by really fast. It's a real quick journey. It's such a sick paradigm that we work. And most people work their asses off. They don't like their job.

And they wait until they're ages. to finally take the time off and use the money that they've earned to do almost nothing because one of them is taking care of the other one the whole time. Well, that's why I always feel like, and I don't know if you feel like this, but in a way I feel like, maybe I'll speak for it and you can correct me, but I feel like we tricked the system. Yeah. Because at least for me, I always felt I want to be in control of my life, my destiny,

and so I decided I want to do a job that isn't work. It's something I love to do, something I would do anyways. And so that's where in a way, and you can correct me of and wrong, but we tricked the system of it because we are hardworking guys, but our work is, we're doing it right now. Right. And we're sitting here telling bear and age jokes. Right.

I mean, that's pretty good work if you can get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no listing for that in the class of us. You know what I mean? So it's like. All right. So listen. I am listening.

We close out every podcast. Oh. Even when we go dark and when we get into the real shit, which is the great thing about podcasting, you don't know where it's going to go. You don't. Sometimes you get into some shit like, I didn't even know how to spell your name.

I know, John. And then I find out about these jobs you've had and the things you've been exposed to. Mm-hmm. You know? Wild. I've lived a robust life, man. Robust.

And still living it. Large. You're never going to retire. No. Why would we retire? From what? Hey, do you want to go to a cool city next week and sit in a room with people that want to listen to you and laugh? Yeah.

No, I'm retired. I have to stop that now because I'm 65. Why would I retire when I live in a city that doesn't even get snow? I mean. We did it. Yeah. I'm happy with my tires. Like, you know, if it started to snow here, maybe I'd retire.

But until then, I'm going to be okay. Yeah. I can handle a little rain. Why do they call it retire? Does that mean that we had tires and we're getting new ones when we turned 65? You're upgrading. Like you're going from regular tires to snow tires or radials depending on the climate, the weather. Yes.

So you'll retire. Most people that live on the East Coast will retire once a year. Yeah. put the snows on. Sure. And then retire in the spring. So you're constantly retiring and coming out of retirement. That's right.

I don't know how they do it. Move to California. Relax. You got to have a good accountant to keep doing that. We do a thing every week and it's called Fastballs with Fits. Okay. Have you ever won any awards? Yes.

What? I just, and I'm not even lying, just recently, I won an award for my movie Wingman. No, you did it. I did because we, we, we, I did. premiered it here in the States at the Malibu Film Festival. And unbeknownst to me, before we went in for the movie, I won an award for best writer, director, and editor. I ended up editing my own movie.

No shit. They didn't give me awards, but they gave me award because I was such a, like a handyman. I did everything. Right. So I got an award for being so hands-on with my movie Wingman, which is coming out on streamers right now, in the next week. Congratulations.

Thanks, man. Yeah, I was so humbled and surprised and and it was so nice. Did you get to make a speech? I got up and made a little speech. Is it funny? They gave me an award. Next time you're at the house, I'll show it to.

They gave me a little like... Tell me about your speech. I literally said, I'm so grateful and thankful. I didn't know this was going to happen and I want to thank everybody. and I invited, if I'm being honest, I invited everyone to go to Arby's. Like I was, I said, thank you.

In Malibu? No. There's no Arby's in Malibu Film Festival was actually here in Hollywood. It was at the Directors Guild Theater on Sunset, a beautiful theater. And I didn't know what to say, so I just said, thank you, everyone. You're all invited to Arby's. Did anyone show up? No, I didn't go to Arby's.

I got my award. I fucked off. It's like, if I'm not going to give them anything. All right. did we land on the moon? Okay. I'm not allowed to like ask questions. No, you can ask questions.

Well, did we land on the moon meaning a something sent from Earth or do you mean astronauts walking out and landing? No, did humans walk on the moon? I'm going to say I don't know. Up until recently, before the dawn of social media, I was like everyone, I was like, of course we did. Yeah.

But then I've since seen all the, these interviews of people refuting it and showing evidence, but I'm also not sure that all of NASA and all its employees could keep a secret. That's the thing. Humans can't keep a secret. That's thousands of people that would have to keep a secret. Yeah, which doesn't make sense. So I'm, I believe it happened, but I'm also, it's a bit ambiguous. And I do have, for the first time in my life, I question it. Yeah. Which I think is a good thing. But I hope we did. Sure. But I don't know is the answer.

What's amazing is we were able to pull it together in two or three years in the 60s. Yeah. And now we've been trying to go back for like the last five years and they say we won't be ready for another three. Yeah. And back then, it was a fucking engine. They started like a lawn bar. It was a tin can. And yeah, it just seems.

Your phone has more computing power than that entire NASA. Yeah. And not only that, but President Nixon was talking to them on the moon with a three second delay, which I'm like back then, like you couldn't even call Australia without hearing like flying fish going through the line. And by the way, there's no, there's no recording of that. It mysteriously disappeared. Yeah, a lot of everything disappeared. The technology. And then also we just went back to the moon a month and a half ago and didn't land on it. We were right there. That's like going through the drive-through ordering and then going right past the drive-thru window. I'm going, no, I don't want the food.

So I want to believe that we did, but I could also see that it was a ruse given the time with Sputnik and the arms race to space with Russia and blah, blah, blah. So I'm going to say I'm not sure. There are two types of people in the world. Go. I would say the first thing that came to my mind are upbeat, positive people, and pessimistic people. Now, we all have pessimism. We all have variant degrees. But there's some people that are really like positive, some that are really negative. Yeah. So those are the two that popped into my head immediately. And which am I? You're upbeat, I believe. Yeah. Yeah, but you're sort of a deep think or two. And the world can take the mind into deep places that sometimes can be.

But I think overall, you're an agent of joy. You sell laughter. And in order to sell laughter and to make your fellow humans experience joy, you have to have an upbeat soul that overrides everything else. Yeah, I think that I have depression, but I feel like stand-up has been the thing that lets me find the joy of myself. I don't think you can bring joy to an audience if you can't experience joy. I mean, I know some curmudgeonly comedians, but when you see them on stage, you see joy.

Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, that's true. I think there's some that, yeah, I think even a person who's a joyless person could elicit laughter from humans. But, you know, I think we've had a, we've all known a few comedians who brought joy and laughter, Robin Williams, to name the most famous that have taken their own lives. So there's a weird

dichotomy of light and dark with some of them. Okay. That's my first answer. There's all kinds of variants of that answer, but those are the two that jumped out at me. The final question is, what is the hackiest bit that you've ever done?

Ooh, the hackiest bet that I've ever done. This giant bear walks into a bar. Harlan Williams is my guest this week. He's got tour dates coming up. Let me just read you a couple of them. Well, you don't know my website. Stop it. Right now, if you want to see him, he's going to be in Kansas City.

I know, Raleigh, North Carolina. Then he'll be in, it says, purchase tickets. I don't want to purchase tickets. I just want to know where they are. Oklahoma City, May 29th and 30th. And then Rochester, New York. on the 19th and 20th, and then Kansas City on the 26th and 27th, D.C., July 16th, and 17th and 18th. Brea, at the Improv was just there, August 7th and 8th, and then Nashville coming up.

Royal Oak, Illinois, Boulder, Caspar, Iommie, go to Harland Williams, H-A-R-L-A-N-D, Williams, like Cindy Williams, like Anson Williams, like Sarenna. Andy Williams, like Serena Williams, like Venus Williams. Like any of those. Sherwin Williams, the paint people. Oh, sure.

Williams. And most of all, I'm really proud of my movie Wingman. I hope you guys support. What's the data comes out? It comes out. May 26 on Apple TV and also Prime.

Okay. And then a month later, because they're doing it different in Canada, June 26, it comes out up there. But the rest of the world, May 26,

wingman, my crazy comedy that I'm really proud of and I hope everybody enjoys. Way to go, man. Thank you. Happy for you. Thanks, buddy.

All right. We'll see you soon. When? Well, I'm doing your show in a week. Oh, no, five weeks. Five weeks. All right. Thanks, buddy.

Goodbye. Love you too. See you, man. Bye. Still here. So am I. I see you. We got to go.

We got to go. I only get this place for an hour. Can I do that thing where I snap it to black? Yeah. Ready? You want to say anything before we go?