F**kface - Andrew's Broken Chair Birthday // I've had my cat for 20 years [66]

Episode Date: September 1, 2021

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about Andrew's joke book and being mad at comment leavers about ramen, The Zim vs an umpire, and Andrew's List(tm). Want to contribute to bits? Email what you can do to [e-mail] Check us out on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/fckfacepod  Sponsored by Honey (http://joinhoney.com/face) and HelloFresh (http://hellofresh.com/face14 and use code face14). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hello and welcome to episode 66 of the F*** Face podcast. A special edition. This is the Andrew Panton, this is your birthday, happy 27th birthday buddy edition. Well he's not ready though, I don't think. I'm not ready! He said hang on, it's 15 minutes after 3 o'clock, uh, and we're still not going. I was here on time. Technical difficulty, can you hear me okay? Yes, we hear you fine. Okay, great. Ugh, okay. Hey okay hey what do you what's up like what once

again what is the purpose of being here on time if you're not well i can't see i could i was ready i didn't know i wasn't ready i was here on time i yeah are you recording i am recording oh nice hey Andrew yes happy birthday thank you happy birthday to you oh no happy birthday to you we don't need to do this

happy birthday dear Andrew happy birthday to you that's the first time that song has been sung with those notes

yes well I have to get it's copyright I gotta get around the copyright you gotta sing it slightly different. It's actually a pro move on my part. Face66, Andrew, you're 27.

Congratulations. Happy birthday. How does it feel to be 27? What did you get for your birthday? What are you doing for your birthday? What's on the agenda? Well, I'm using a new setup, is I'd say the highlight of my birthday.

Unrelated to the technical... No. No, I did not. So yesterday... Why? on my birthday unrelated to the technical no no i did not so yesterday why you got a new fire extinguisher i did yeah it's my favorite thing uh yesterday my chair broke i've been using a broken desk chair since before this podcast started and my dream was that it would break while we were recording that was the goal i'd just been waiting and uh yesterday i dropped something and i went i bent down to pick it up while the chair and the chairs broke finally it was the end dump me on the floor you don't have the best luck with chairs no i don't i got great chair luck in the worst way uh it broke i don't

have uh i own three chairs and none of them would work for this what do you mean well i have my desk chair and then i have these two big like lazy boy type chairs on a different level that i couldn't bring up so i don't have a chair for this was uh the great dilemma so i've had to rewire my setup and unrelated to my issues, but it's pretty great. This might be a first in the company's history. I'm not sure. Eric might know,

but let me make sure I'm recording. Let me grab my binoculars. One second. Oh, Christ. Why would I? Jeff started the company. Why would I? Yeah, but you're the podcast.

You use more of a podcast person, Jeff, although Jeff's on several. Eric, you're the podcast. Don't blame me for this company. I would I yeah, but you're you're the podcast if you use more of a podcast person Jeff Although Jeff's on several Eric. You're the podcast don't blame me for this company. I'm not blaming you for it. I am recording We're good. Uh oh, okay. Got it. What what are you stood up? Uh no no are you outside? No, no neither. He's on his bed isn't he I'm very cut okay Well the weight balance is a little bit of an issue. My mic keeps trying to fall over. We're fine. We're good.

I'll post in the Discord my setup right now. If this was a tip or foam mattress, you could have a glass of wine next to you and not worry about knocking on your door. It's very difficult to use binoculars and a mouse at the same time. Try to see my screen. So, your mouse... I'm guessing you're on the bed, the mouse is on the bed, and you're using binoculars and a mouse at the same time trying to see my screen so your mouse i i'm guessing you're on the bed the mouse is on the bed and you're using binoculars to look at the screen

yeah because we post photos a lot stuff i also for recording i needed it here this is my setup right now this is what i got going i didn't have a chair so it I was like, what should I do? And then I made the great discovery that my cables are long enough that I can reach. They can reach my bed. I could see seven. Absolutely eight pillows. Maybe eight pillows.

Yeah. Well, you need a lot. You need the back support for I'm sitting up on the back of the bed. Yeah, you don't want to be lying on your back. No, that'd be weird. It'd be a strange podcast setup. So yeah, that's my life right now. Binocularsoculars though binoculars i wouldn't have gone for uh well how else am i i'm i'm a near-sighted person gavin i can't see the screen well i mean i would have magnified windows probably before i would have found binoculars is that book next to

you a bible because you're you you prayed on it that this would work? No. Wow. I keep going to call you Jake. I'm so sorry, Jeff. It's okay. Very insulting. That's a joke book from 1940 that I bought. Is that where you found the Jake joke? Yeah, that is.

All my greatest material comes from that 1940 joke book. So if we're in any dead air, any pause in the action just let me know i guess i'd be aware but you could find a morally questionable joke oh there's some bangers in that book pick uh here let's do one pick a pick a page one god between one and like 900 69 okay 69 i'm holding the book upside down good start 69 okay it looks like we are in what is the chapter the American scene okay now pick a number between

685 and 695 691 691 okay I'm just gonna read this and if it's problematic racist in any way we can edit it a doctor who was called to a small country town to extract an appendix missed the last train back, stayed overnight in a miserable hotel, and was waited on at breakfast by a sallow and...

Sallow? Salo? Salo? Salo. Salo. Salo and cadaver... Cadaver... Cadaverous?

Salo and cadaverous country girl. Said she. Boiled tongue, stewed kidneys fried liver said he hang your symptoms bring me something to eat I see need to work on the delivery but yeah well you know I haven't read it before

she offered him essentially a bunch of offal and he took that as to be her symptoms of the... If you think it's a delivery issue, let me just do it again for you, Gavin. Is that how you pronounce awful? Is that how you say awful, O-Fall? I don't know.

I don't know how to say it. Awful. Okay. O-F-A-L? O-F-F. O-F-F. A-L? I don't know.

It's one of those words I read, don't say it, not say. Okay, here's another great joke. Quick one. I'll nail the delivery on this say. Okay, here's another great joke. Quick one. I'll nail the delivery on this one. You pick the very wordy one. Someday we hope to see a waiter with enough of what it takes to lay the check face up on the table. Great joke. Nailed it.

So I got a thousand pages of that, if we ever need them, we're set, we're covered. I'm no longer worried about dead ends. No! I got a thousand pages of that if we ever need them well we're set we're covered I'm no longer worried about dead ass no I got it I will fumble my way through so many jokes hey let's do one more in honor of your birthday let's do page 27 page 27 okay Jesus 27 I really I put the still in the American scene which is very fitting for me Jesus we're gonna go with the shortest joke on this fucking thing cause there's a bunch that are like a paragraph long Belle if I were you Percy I should tell him just what I think of him

Percy how can I I don't I'm scared to say that I don't know what that means I don't know what that means another banger I'm not gonna say it I don't know what that means another banger I'm not gonna say it I don't that means that's dangerous what's a cad what's a cad like CAD CAD uh just like a

rapscallion Rambo okay like like a cad like yeah oh yeah that's not it's not bad it's not racist or anything okay great it was a cad that's the word I was afraid to say okay that's my setup and that's why i'm late because i didn't realize i couldn't see that anyone had joined the call and wait was that the joke yeah that was the joke that was it great joke what was the joke what happened i'm trying to get having a stroke what happened spill something in the book

no no it's this is standard for these jokes. It's often you're left with wondering where the joke was. Sort of the magic of this book. Belle, if I were you, Percy, I should tell him just what I think of him. Percy, how can I? The cad has no telephone. That's the joke. I don't know if you missed part of it before.

Oh, I thought it ended with just you saying the cad the cat no that was the thing I was scared to proceed past And then I couldn't remember I think what followed that so maybe it was my fault still great joke Happy birthday to me So what what are you what your goals for this year of your life oh that's a load that what a fucking what do you who asked that on a birthday that's a good serious that's a good point you know what my birthday present to you i'm gonna unask that question that's great happy birthday thank you i text you happy birthday you didn't reply no

because i was trying to assemble all this stuff i apologize i saw it i was like i want to get to this but i need i mean it doesn't need a response i was just making sure you saw well if it didn't need a response why acknowledge the fact i didn't reply you know what as a birthday present i'll take that comment back happy birthday you potentially cost people a lot of money gavin by the way i saw somebody comment that they followed your roulette call and they lost so I'm curious how many people have copied that oh come on they can't black black can't lose forever no but the amount like I wonder how many people have done that and what the win percentage is I bet you it's astronomically low no you gotta be with me in person I think that's how it works okay well we'll test that one day i

can't wait to lose everything in front of you and then see what you have to say about it i feel like you would rather lose just so i have to come up with a reason oh absolutely you know i'd feel bad and be uncomfortable yeah totally that would be the dream you guys will be happy to know that I purchased this morning a tiny roulette wheel, like a Fisher Price roulette wheel set up for the F*** Face Break Shit Show so that we can test out these roulette theories. I love it. It's already in the mail on the way. I even told, I told Gavin about it last night and then I remembered that I hadn't bought

it yet. So I bought it this morning when I woke up. That's amazing. I woke up this morning and i was struggling to remember if something if a conversation i had was a dream or not andrew did we have a conversation recently that ended up with you saying triple a batteries are a non-standard size uh i just yeah well i i was saying that that they're a rare battery than a double a i think that was on the podcast wasn't it uh it was either on the podcast or after one of the okay i just i just feel like that's pretty standard like if you're in a place that sells double a you probably got triple a not far

absolutely like it it's not totally battery or something i completely agree with that my point was more in the house i don't feel like i feel like it's more likely people have double ice like that's if you're gonna have batteries at your house, you're gonna have double A's. In my experience. There are more pieces of equipment on Earth that require double A than triple A, probably. Absolutely. That was my point. Not that, like, you fucking had to go

on a treasure hunt to find a triple A battery. Just that they weren't as popular of a usage as opposed to the double A. The king of batteries, I'd say. I also, just before we get too far from this, I need to make a sincere... From what?

From the beginning of the show. I have an order. Honestly, that statement only makes sense because of my notes. I have this note at the beginning. I can't expand too far past it. I need to make a sincere apology to you, Jeff. I'll also fuck both of you, but also but also apology okay so what's the order i'm going to first say no i don't need to i'm gonna

like you my my kindness my birthday gift back my advanced birthday gift is retracting that statement just an apology to jeff last week okay when we recorded, you had an issue with the comment levers. You were like, ah, people criticizing putting tot in the recipe. That's unfair. You wanted a clarification of that. Yeah. And I was listening to it.

I was like, ah, you know what? Like, whatever. I mean, it's sort of a strange thing to care about them doing that. There are so many fucking people that think they understand how ramen works they got no fucking idea i'm so sick of this i'm so sick of these why didn't he read the instructions i'm the biggest fucking instruction guy on this podcast i love instructions i follow them to a. I look at all the instructions always.

People are just coming out left and right. Why didn't he read the instructions? You fucking idiots. I did read the instructions. I dug up the instructions. I'm going to post them in the chat. I've got to use my binoculars. One second.

Okay. He's at a high height. He's One second. Okay. Okay. He's like a high-hide. He's bird-watching. I got it. There's the recipe. Put the noodle and condiments in the bowl. Pour one and a half cups of boiling water. Cover the bowl for three minutes.

Yeah, I mean, that's how you would cook the pot ones. That's the package ramen! That's for package ramen. Where does it say put the ramen in the fucking pot? It says the opposite. Well, that's not ramen then. It's like, that's like a special type. No, it's not!

I went to the store, I bought ramen in a bag. What do you want from me? Post a picture of the ramen. Okay, give me... The whole packet. Well, fucking, I didn't expect this question. I gotta get the goddamn binoculars out. We're going to another tab.

Give me a minute. We find this. Goddamn motherfucker. This isn't ramen. Binoculars. I retracted my previous statement. Fuck you. I am.

I'm short-sighted, Gavin. I get the fact that you can't see your monitor from across the room. There are easier ways. I don't know how. I'm going to get a packet of ramen. I'm not saying... Here's the thing. Someone sent ramen instructions that showed that, and that's fair.

Like, I get it. But don't act like I don't fucking read the instructions. I read the instructions. I don't fucking read the instructions. I read the instructions. I don't think you follow instructions to a T. I think you follow them to a tea kettle. Wow. I see what you did there. Do you also own a

1940 joke book? Put that in the book. Page 1000. What I was going to say before Gavin dumped that on us is apology accepted, Andrew apology accepted. The comment levers can be frustrated when they misconstrue things. I understand.

And, uh, I want you to know you got my support buddy. As always, I just, I love them. Appreciate the comment leader levers a lot. Uh,

wait, is there a difference between short? I got the binoculars still up short-sighted near sight they're the same aren't they just different phrasings they sound like they're the opposite short i think i think short-sighted has nothing to do with your eye with your vision dude i think near-sighted does or far-sighted i think short-sighted means you can't see you can't envision things happening far out into the future. No, that's honestly, that was a dilemma before when I was thinking about it. I was like, I'm aware of that definition, but I couldn't think of anything else to describe.

I would definitely say you're short-sighted. Yeah. Yep. That's actually correct. Is this ramen, Gavin? Is this fucking ramen? Is this appropriate? Does this check out for you?

Is that fucking ramen? Is that ramen-y enough? It looks like ramen. It looks pretty ramen-y. It's very ramen-y. I went to the grocery store. I bought it. I followed the instructions. Oh, so, okay. That's all I wanted to say. Apology to Jeff and also people who have no fucking idea

that there are other ways to make ramen. I'm following the instructions. Don't be mad at me. Be mad at mama. Be mad at the mama company if you're going to be mad at somebody. While we're issuing statements, I would like to jump in just because I don't think Gavin or

maybe Gavin was here for it, but Andrew definitely wasn't. We discovered right before the show started that I'm not... Alright, I'm stupid. A lot. But I'm not totally stupid when it comes to playing'm stupid, a lot, but I'm not totally stupid when it comes to playing shit into my phone, like when Jack called, playing shit into the microphone. We found out today

that I had something called noise suppression selected, which wouldn't let anything be heard. And then we fixed it, and now I can play stuff to you guys. That's exciting. So it's not that I don't know where the microphone on my phone is when I hold it up to the microphone to record. I know where the microphone on my phone is when I hold it up to the microphone to record

I know where the microphone on my phone is it's just that noise suppression was cancelling it out speaker whatever let's just do that again it's not that I don't know where the speaker is on my phone I know exactly where it is and when I put it up to the thing I don't know why it doesn't play for you guys but now it will because we tested it and it worked

am I smarter though for already having it off yes okay but your intelligence was never in question i hmm what's weird is i never viewed it as like you i don't know it wasn't a dumb thing this is gonna sound strange i didn't really because i'm pretty sure it was with nick and eric today i viewed it until we figured it out. And maybe this is the same. I just viewed it as you didn't know how, which is maybe more insulting. I don't know what

is more insulting, but it just seemed like a thing. You were just bad at it. It was like somehow a skill you weren't great at. Yeah, I'm not though. I'm not though. It was just a setting.

And we fixed it. Thanks to Nick. Hey. Good job, Nick. We did it. What a time. Well, Andrew, is there anything?

This is your birthday, man. It's not even like your birthday episode. Today is straight up your birthday well Andrew is there anything this is your birthday man it's not even like your birthday episode it's today is straight up your birthday so is there anything else you want to talk about do you want to like this is your podcast today it's well it's our podcast as you've said before it's a triangle not my podcast we're a comedy triangle yep uh I have a thing to share with you guys I mean I have two things to talk about. One, you're aware of. The other one, I discovered this. Don Zimmer has multiple fights. Now, this isn't a physical fight.

It's not physical, but Don Zimmer has one of the greatest umpire fights I've ever seen. Is this a video? It's a video. I'm going to post it in the thing. Go to like a minute 40 for this thing. I'll be right back. Just a second. Sorry. Okay. Okay. Okay. gonna post it in the thing go to like a minute 40 for this thing uh i'll be right back just just a second sorry okay okay um binoculars here we go face you're dropping it in okay what a minute

40 1989 1989 it's got to like a minute 40. Now this is... I was still shitting myself. I didn't exist yet. I'm so sorry about that. Andrew, that was the delivery guy. Your birthday stuff is there. Can you go out for front and meet him?

I don't know what that... What do you mean? I sent you some birthday stuff. He's going to have to climb out of his recording pod. Well, I don't know. The guy said he rang the bell. Nobody answered. This-

You did- Fuck- This is- Okay. I'm gonna have to run around my building, because he's probably not at my door. I don't know, uh- You won't tell us how to get to your house,

so how am I supposed to roll in the information? We've done a million of these, and it's a staple that my door- God damn it. Why don't you just use your binoculars, see if you can see him. God damn it, Why don't you just use your binoculars, see if you can see him. God damn, son of a... He hates getting up.

He hates switching rooms and switching floors. You're really making him work. I'm so sorry. I sent him some nice shit. Hearing him walk away going, Fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres-fres Resin, resin, resin, resin. As he leaves the room, it's really something. Oh, man. Now, this would have been perfect if 10 minutes later, you had ordered him something, Gavin,

and then 10 minutes later, you had ordered him something, Eric. So every 15 minutes, he's got to get out of bed. Get out of bed. Can't you just order another one right now? Yeah, maybe. Let's see. It'll make me do all the work. Okay.

Well, I mean, you got all the address and all that. I got it from you. I had to ask you for his address today I don't know Do I need like a Canadian account or something No dude I didn't even have Postmates until this I downloaded it after you gave me the address Oh man I can't until this fucking

Let's see He should have joined on his phone So we could hear him Join on phone He's gonna come back And you have to use his binoculars To see us yelling join on phone A bunch of times

I bet he didn't take his phone with him did he Oh shit what if he locked himself out Should we get him a bar burrito Or a waterfront confection? Waterfront confection. Oh, waterfront confection. Let's do that. Sugar-free dark chocolate ice cream.

Yes, please. We'll do... Fuck it. Let's do a whole liter. Why not? That's a good... Yeah. I don't know how much that is,

but I assume it's a lot. Banana chocolate chunk. I'll do a half liter of that. And... Oh, blue bubble gum. Let's'll do a half liter of that. And blue bubble gum. Let's get him a half liter of blue bubble gum. And what else do we got? Everything in his island is vegan, by the way. Vegan and gluten free.

Oh, yeah. They have birthday cake flavor. Oh, let's see. That's a great one. They have New York cheesecake. They have green pistachio. They have pomegranate. They have nine.

Nine. Nine. Oh, bar root beer. Rum raisin. Fucking rum raisin. What year is this? Oh, cookie dough. Everybody loves cookie. There you go raisin what year is this oh cookie dough everybody loves cookie dough half liter of cookie dough that is 70 of canadian ice cream okay we'll do that okay i hope he likes his ice cream he'll love it should we call him let's phone him well i know i

just got the notification that he picked up the stuff oh then he'll be back up in just a second i'll be back any second now. And now they're preparing my other order. The latest order? Okay. Okay, so the latest arrival will be by 3.10pm. So let's just make sure we keep this going that long. Okay. Yeah. Well, we have to. Yeah, for sure. He's gonna be very annoyed by the next one.

Yeah. I think that's the plan, Gavin. No, I'm saying it's definitely gonna work, based on his reaction to the first one. I'm not doubting it I'm excited to hear him from a distance come back into the room I don't know about you but I shop online pretty much every

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So get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash face. That's joinhoney.com slash face. I'm so excited for the next one. The next, the 310. It's going to be perfect. Thrilled. Half an hour from now. Oh, wait, no.

Isn't that two hours from now? Hmm? Isn't it two hours? Oh, shit. It is two hours. It is. Why would it take that long? I said it was going to be 30 to 45 minutes.

Well, let's see. I can track it. Let's just see what happens. Well, it lists it as 2.25 and says latest arrival by 3.10. Okay. 2.25, so that would be... What time is it? It's bad now.

1.45? It should be 1 141, but according to this, I place the order at 225. This country's too wide. Well, it's not the same country. We're not in our country at all right now. We're talking about his country.

It shares the width. This country's too wide. It shares the width. this country's too wide it's a different country oh christ does it have the same number of time zones i don't know like does canada have mountain time canada time zones there's six time zones in canada apparently oh they probably got one on like nova scotia or something yeah It says Central Standard Time in Canada. It's 2.42 p.m. right now. Yeah, but he's not central.

We're Central Daylight Time. He's way west. No, I think he is, though. It does say Vancouver, it's 1.42, but it also says Mountain Daylight Time and Central Standard Time are both 2.42, and then Central Daylight Time is2. And then central daylight time is 342. This is stupid.

How are you going to have two different time zones that are the same fucking time? Why are they two different time zones then? That's so dumb. Well, they could be different depending on time of year. Like daylight savings. Yeah, I guess. How far away is his outside? This is crazy.

I'm back. Oh. Here we go. We were just bitching about time zones. How you doing, buddy? Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Did you get your stuff?

I got the bag, yeah. Oh, sweet. I tried to get you a birthday cake, but I couldn't find anybody that had a cake that could deliver it this quickly, so I just got you an assortment of things. You were gone for like 10 minutes Yeah, I have to go around the building find the guy

Saw my bare feet. Let's make sure not to step on anything This is a whole Lord yeah, I have to get out of the fucking wire nest that I assembled not thinking of move Oh, I got a... What is this? Hey Andrew! Thank you. Andrew, what time zone are you in? I'm in Pacific Standard Time, I believe. BST? That's not even listed.

Pacific Daylight Time, you mean? Pacific Standard Time is also a thing. Sure. What's it called in Canada? I believe Pacific Standard Time. Oh. Am I missing something? What's fucking going on? I feel like I left you guys and laid out a bunch of goddamn booby traps

and I'm coming back. It's my birthday. What is happening? I think the difference is Pacific Standard Time is a certain time of the year and then when you leap forward or leap back, it switches to Pacific Daylight Time.

I think it depends on the time of the year whether it's daylight or standard. I think. I think. That's stupid. Is there... I'm gonna find out. What is the difference... Okay, Andrew, do you want to cover

what you wanted to talk about today? Well, first we need to watch this video. We need to watch the Don Zimmer fight. Oh, yeah, yeah. We gotta watch Don Zimmer fight. What is this? Do you say it was 140 in this video? Oh, I got you an Earl Grey tea. A warm tea, just in case you got thirsty.

Why is this wet? I don't feel like this is supposed to be wet. Yeah, okay, sorry. Let me, binoculars back out. Okay. Was it a 1.40 you said on this video? 1.40, a minute 40. All right.

Don Zimmer fight. He's storming out there. He's walking out. He's storming out. He's got things to say. Oh, he's going to talk to the umpire. He is. He just got thrown out of. He's walking out. He's storming out. He's got things to say. Oh, he's gonna talk to the umpire He is he just got thrown out of the game. I believe moving a lot slower back then they didn't his late years He's trying to be intimidating 140 140 well, we're way past that now

All right helmet helmets off umpire off. They're going back and forth. They're talking. Oh arms are flying. Yep That's the first aggression move. He's pointing to outside Disagreeing back and forth the points have begun Yep That is the non Physical punch there's this throwing back and forth Zimmer hands in the air for a second time. He's letting them know He's doing the walk back arms throw now. He's kicking him know. He's doing the walk-back arms throw. Now he's kicking dirt. He's comboing the arms throw

with the dirt kick. He's so fast, his arms are like bullets. Are you ready for the finishing move, Gavin? Finishing move about to come up. Hands on the hip. He's like, listen, I'm a man of reason. I'm listening to you. Do another arm throw. The umpire doesn't have much to say. He's just staring. He doesn't know

what to say. The zim is going full on it. You can see his vein popping out. Oh! Arms out. Hands up. Rolling the sleeves up. Now the umpire's back. Now the umpire has a point to make.

Look at his eyes! His hat flew off! The hat's off! The hat is off! That is the finishing move! You cannot counter when the guy takes the hat off. Oh god, it's like two birds trying to fly over a nut. That is the finishing move. You cannot counter when the guy takes the hat off. Oh, God. It's like two birds trying to fly over a nut.

That was so fast and weird. That man is my hero. He's great. Oh, my God. Thank you for bringing that into my life. Oh, my God. And I'm... Andrew, I didn't even show you.

Hold on a second. Jeff, what were you doing in 1989? 1989? Last one that video was from. I was 14. I was in ninth grade. I was in high school, freshman high school. I was probably watching that game.

I was a huge baseball fan in 1989. Huge, huge Cubs fan, a huge Don Zimmer fan. There were like three channels on TV that played baseball, WTBS, WGN, and I don't know, some other channel. And so I watched every White Sox and Cubs game

that was on TV because it was all I had the choice, and the Braves, because that's all that was available to me. So I probably saw that game when it happened. Or maybe not, I don't know. They have the summer of Zimmer or the Zimmer boys something like that it's like

a VHS chronicling a championship season they had it's on YouTube we should watch that at some point I think that'd be fun well just watch it together I think I should it's like an hour long look at this fucking awesome shirt I'm wearing in the library that is that era of don zimmer as well that's what it is

it's appropriate to the time of the video i really appreciate that your entire wardrobe is slowly becoming don zimmer i was telling gavin i'm working on a zimmer only wardrobe if i have uh i can get away with it. That's amazing. Oh man, speaking of the library, this is a really short brief story I could tell that's related to Nick and I. Nick and I had a little incident earlier this week in my library where

poor Nick had nothing to do with it, but it was his fault. He asked me to record some lines. He asked me to record ad reads yesterday or Monday to record uh ad reads yesterday or monday and i was like yeah man i can do that and then i was doing something else and then i thought you know what i'm not gonna let time get away from me i'm gonna run over and i'm gonna do nick's ad reads right now even though uh i have something else going on but i was like i just want to get him out of the way so i run into my room and i start to do them and i set it up and uh as right as i'm

starting to record, I, I realized that I can hear Millie watching Grey's Anatomy or some shit in her room. And so I went, I go like, Oh, I should probably shut the door. So I get up to shut the little saloon doors that,

you know, shut my, uh, my library off from the rest of the house. And somehow opening the, the one door, just opening the door. It,

I'll never, for as long as I live understand how this happened and i wish i could go back and study it like the zabruder film because it's phenomenal i i just opened the door that wasn't touching or connected it wasn't even touching the wall it was just like half open i just opened it and when i did that this giant picture of jean-paul sartre hanging on my wall fell down and when it down, you know how my wall has, I didn't tell you this part, Nick, I found this out later. My wall has horizontal like wooden beams across it.

It ripped one of the beams off my wall and it then hit my doorknob and it shot my doorknob across the room and ripped the doorknob off my door and left a giant hole. The picture frame got broken. The picture inside the frame got fucked up. The wall got broken and I lost a doorknob all because Nick asked me to do lines.

I was telling him about it. I was telling him about it as I was recording. I'm like, Nick, you're not gonna believe what's happening right now in this room. And then after I finished, I found out it was way worse. Unbelievable. I'm blown away. The doorknob flew off. I'm like, Nick, you're not going to believe what's happening right now in this room. And then after I finished, I found out it was way worse. Unbelievable. I'm blown away the doorknob flew off. I'm going to show you a picture of it. Hold on.

Hold on a second. I need to find my doorknob. Have you ever lost a doorknob, Gavin? No. You know what? I've not owned a lot of doorknobs. I'm more of a handle guy. Doorknob. Yeah, as opposed to... I don't think I've ever bought a lot of doorknobs. I'm more of a handle guy. Doorknob. Yeah, as opposed to... I don't think I've ever bought a doorknob. Plenty of handles.

You've bought a lot of handles? Well, more than doorknobs, yeah. I'm trying to think of like what I've replaced. Why are you buying loose handles? Well, I like swapped. I got a set that had like a lock on it. I was younger. Oh, you wanted privacy. I wanted a lock on the door. So I bought one. I like swapped. I got a set that had like a lock on it. I was younger. Oh you want a privacy

I wanted to lock on the door so I bought when I installed it That's the only time I think I've ever bought a handle Trying to think there's not a time where I bought a doorknob. I had a friend. I had a bet Doesn't get any more doorknob than that no what if you got locked in because of that that would have been even funnier there's another door in the room but yeah uh you got a spare door you got a hot swap door yeah i got a back door that goes out yeah so i just i just have a fucking hole in my door now where the more that was I guess it was just covering up some some shoddy craftsmanship I'll take a picture of that you guys keep talking I'm gonna show you this other fucking

awesome thing hold on I need more knobs in my life instead of handles there because I think door knob is harder for a cat to operate Because they're pretty damn good at handles. Are they? You just gotta, I don't know, my cat is old to the point where it's not It's not an issue. I don't think I even knew you had a cat. I don't know anything about you I've had my cat for 20 years She's 20 years we were discussing we were discussing at dinner last night how little Gavin knows about you and Andrew. I was filling him in. I was like, how do you not know

these basic things about Andrew? I just feel like I don't ask a lot of personal questions. I ask a lot of questions that make you sound like an insane person, like how you make food and shit, but not about your family or your living situation. It's the doorknob again. I already sent the damn doorknob.

Hold on. You got a cat when you were seven? Yeah. It's still around. It's still around. Sam is still around, but she's very old. She doesn't jump that much. Also, not the greatest with vision.

Yeah, I've had Sam my whole life. Great cat. And I've known you online for... so like 13 years yeah around then here's the problem with us gavin i'm somebody who doesn't just like share personal information or like that type of thing and you never ask so there's just i don't want to intrude i feel like you'll tell me shit well i feel the same way i feel like why would anyone want to know so i just don't i don't talk about it so you and i great friendship and if we could talk for literally years every day and i don't think we'd ever like enter a personal we're like a friendship without any foundation like it's built on nothing oh there's the hole yeah

wait that's what was on the that's what was behind my doorknob dude no wonder it flew off how did you not just pull it off when you use the handle i don't know man never came up never happened it looks like somebody shot your door it's great yeah thanks uh oh home ownership so wait how does how does jeff know about your personal life did he ask i don't know that's a great question well i've known i've known andrew for oh i don't know over a decade and uh we've had a million conversations i know the shit about your personal life too gavin i a i listen listen, and B, I remember, and C, I ask questions.

Yeah, but I know stuff about your life. It's equal. Yeah, because you've asked me questions. I don't know why you refuse to ask any questions. You've also lived together, so I feel like that's

an additional layer. Like, it's just, you don't... What if we lived together for six months, Andrew? What would ha... That'd be... I don't know. That'd be interesting. You wouldn't want to be together for six months, Andrew? That'd be interesting. You wouldn't want to be roommates for six months?

No, I would be totally fine with that. That'd be great. I think we'd get a lot more doorknobs. I'd have to adjust the way I live to fit within the boundaries of your life and your rules, but I think it'd be fine. What do you mean? I'm not a big rule guy. I'd go to the kitchen,

and the waffle maker would be in your bedroom no i would if if we were if i felt that that there would be a community waffle maker i would not hoard the supplies i'm not like a fucking mad max villain with water i it would be in the communal area we'd all we could share i'm not gonna hoard anything okay well that's good to know. Yeah. I think it would be pretty uneventful, honestly. It would be like an occasional, why did we do it? We'd be three months in and we'd be like, if we did this for content reasons, this was a mistake. Because we're just.

We'd just be coexisting nicely. We're just watching Mr. Bean. It's just like, it's a strange, like nobody needs this. Andrew took it upon himself to try and watch every episode of Mr. Bean because I made one reference to Mr. Bean two episodes ago. Well, we talked about it. That's a little narrow in how much we talked about Mr. Bean. Well, I mean, that's the reason we started talking

about Bean is because... That is true. ...the firework. Yeah, but then it led into an extended conversation in which that claim or the commitment happened. Have you finished Bean? Are you all the way through? I haven't watched it since we last spoke. But I will. What is your opinions thus far?

I think it's a really good show. I think there are times where if you don't find the bit funny, they extend every idea out to its fullest extent. So if you're not immediately on board, it's like, oh, I got like three minutes of just this continuing gag. But when it does work, it's incredible. And I think it's a important show in a comedic sense of like if you're growing up watching it man i guess i need to go back and

re-watch episodes i can't remember mr bean ever not being funny like bits not working and stuff it's not it's just they're different the example i gave to gavin is there's one where he's like making a sandwich on a bench and it's like oh he's just pulling stuff out of his jacket and i've seen him do this before and now it's just like three minutes of like i get he has everything in his jacket yeah he kind of does that in the first episode with the like the pens and the pink yeah but the pen the pen yeah all that is great like especially the first time i watched it i went back and i re-watched the first episode i liked it so much but haven't finished the show i'm like halfway through. It's okay.

I think if you grew up with it, it would be amazing. Did Gavin tell you that he met him at a grocery store once? He did not. Well, he did. That's true. He asked me where the... Ginger? Yeah, he asked me where the ginger was. Sad. Just one of those

little facts I know about Gavin's life because I've listened to him. I have a thing I can talk to you guys about. I texted you about it. Left you in suspense. I texted. I forgot about that until this moment. Let me find the text.

I don't remember this text. Oh, it's poop related, dude. I want to get into this. Oh. Oh. So I just texted Jeff and Gavin something along the lines of, I might shit myself.

I think we ended with you saying if shitting was an Olympic event, you would have just earned yourself a bronze. It was a bronze medal performance in a class where Usain Bolt is in the race like there's no way I could get a gold but it's like in a different year that could have been a silver that could have been a gold it was a great performance I don't as established before I think at some point on the show I I don't shit in away games I'm a home shitter I need to feel. I haven't used a public toilet in probably like 15 years or so.

Can I just say I looked that up to see if there is a unit of measurement in 15 year increments, and it's called an indiction. So you have not shit away from home in one indiction. Yeah, what I deem to be home. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean my actual home. Like if I'm on vacation, I would makeem to be home. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean my actual home. Like, if I'm on vacation, I would make the hotel my home toilet. It's just the personal...

It's not like anyone... A lustrum is five? So, Andrew's cat is an indiction and a lustrum old? Andrew hasn't shit outside of his house in three lustrums, which happens to be one indiction. So I was at... Go ahead. What were you going to say?

I'm just laughing. Okay. I was at like a small gathering, and I don't know what it was. Typically, I'm pretty good. I had... Is this family or friends? Family. It's a family gathering.

I need to add to the list, by the way. You're a home game unverified vertical wiper. You're just putting in all the requirements of your turds. Okay, I'm up to date. And I don't... It's established. I'm a home shitter.

I'll just wait until I get to a home toilet. And I was going to get picked up by someone. And so I was like, okay, I can hold it. For the purpose of shitting? What do you mean? Was somebody picking you up? No, no, no, no. I was going somewhere else after the fact.

So I was just going to like, that is a place I'd rather shit at than where I'm currently at. I think I can hold it. I view this as an away. I view the other one is a home toilet. So I, I get there, I, I get in the car and they're like,

I really want a burger at this place. And I was like, Oh God, this is fucking, this is a problem. I'm going to hold my, because I almost, I'm a shit on the way to the pickup spot.

You're not vocalizing. You're not at all. You're trying to hold it in and just because i'm a yeah because i'm a polite individual i'm like if i say we need to skip your burger i got a shit i'll just be hearing about oh man i'm so excited about that burger and i didn't get it i didn't want to deal with that so i'm just like we're just gonna clench hard we're gonna clench as hard as we can it's fine can i ask can i ask a question and i apologize if you covered this and i missed it but where is this shit coming from like did

you have indian food the night before or is this just like a run-of-the-mill normal shit or is this like no it's just i i think it was something i ate was just it like flared up like it was all systems go type thing was it fiber one bars did you have a bunch of Fiber One bars? No, it was not Fiber One bars. I was like, you know what? I think I got this. And then I started walking. And I was like, oh, I really don't. I was clenched on the walk there.

I almost shit on the path. I had to stop and just stand for a minute. You're like Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids. Yeah. How did you let it get this bad so suddenly i feel like no because it was like already clenching it's like you've been holding it in for five hours already yeah no it was it i i probably held for an hour before i made the walk because i was i and then i i left i learn about the burger i'm like oh jesus christ okay well at

least at least it's like a drive-thru. It was a new place is I, it was a triple O's is where the burger was getting picked up from. I did not realize, even though triple O's has a drive-thru, there is a wait time. So they stopped the car and they're like, I'm going to go get the burger.

I'll be back. So now I'm in the car. I'm like, this is a fucking prop. Every time we hit a speed bump, I felt like I was going to rock it out of the chair. It was so bad. Are you sweating at this point? I'm not sweating But I'm like trying to come to terms with the fact that I might shit myself and what does this mean?

And how do I explain it to this person? It's just like how do I solve this issue? Are they getting a burger for you too or just them just they asked if I want anything I said absolutely not No, thank you you what's less polite blocking the burger or shitting in the car after the burger that's a tough measurement i was at the point of considering do i just like find a tree in this area i'm in a mall at this point but like there are those little like kind of tree things in the middle of it i'm like do i just shit at the tree and just accept that i don't know what i'm gonna do

this isn't a bad spot so then i texted you guys i might shit myself and then i got so close to shit i had to put all of my focus and not letting it happen i just threw the phone to the car like in the bottom of the car i just sat there and i was like oh fuck i had to hop out of the car i couldn't clench hard enough in the seat so now i'm out of the car clenching and i'm like jesus christ the phone down because it's potentially a lapse in concentration if you're doing something on your phone you might forget absolutely that is yeah that is the thing where it's like i need to put i need to reroute all focus into not shitting right now so i'm now standing outside of the car just holding on to it

clenched as hard as I could and it broke me at that point I was like I'm gonna I cannot hold this anymore are you clenching with just your ass or are you also adding the hands as a bit of clench no I'm going just full ass clench right now I don't think the hands would do much

outside of like visual bizarreness I've never been into this restaurant so I don't know if they have do much outside of like visual czar-ness. I've never been into this restaurant, so I don't know if they have a public bathroom, but I take the walk. In my head, I'm like, I'm going in there. I don't know. It's because of COVID. Some places aren't doing like the public bathrooms.

If this place doesn't have a public bathroom, that's just like I'm in the middle of nowhere and no man's land. I might shit myself in this restaurant. So I slowly shuffle in i walk past the person's way for the burger and i'm like i gotta use the bathroom i shuffle in and they have them and i'm so fucking it's like if you were dying of dehydration in the desert and you found a pond like it was the relief it was salvation i just does like i need space i

went into the family bathroom because i didn't trust the other i'm like i'm definitely gonna be good you need the family bath yep went in did my business didn't like it was one of the situations where just crouching it releases so it's like i just gotta i hope i'm lined up on this toilet correct i hope we're not we don't want splash damage we don't want this has to be a swish we cannot have any off the rim and in on this scenario there's no backboard for this i nailed it perfectly nothing but ceramic yeah i nailed it i got it went great it went according to plan and I had like a realization in my life that I've been making a mistake this past 15 years I've made a huge mistake and how I've handled this I need to scout bathrooms from this point going forward if you are if you're where if you're in

the town I live in triple o's fantastic bathroom would recommend i need to start using like i would eat like i wouldn't even use a urinal i just hold the p until i got home i need to use the urinal as like my scouting tool that's my way to get into the bathroom not having to take a shit i can make a map triple o's is kind of like in the middle of town too so it's great no matter where i am i can kind of get to the triple o so right now i got triple o's on my board is the number one bathroom that i'm aware of in town that's public i i think this is a great idea and here's what i think you should do with it you've heard of angie's list right where if you haven't it's a service that a lot of people will pay for and you go on it and you can find uh like a contractor plumber, whatever. It's like the old version of Thumbtack.

We need to start Andrew's List. And it's a free list. It's an app. Any city you go into where we list, like you rank the best public toilets for that town, Andrew's List, download it today. That's such a great idea. Boom.

Because it's like, I trust myself, but I don't know if other people would trust me. I mean, I haven't been in a public bathroom in 15 years. My standards may be low. I want somebody who's in the trenches every day, updating the app. Where's the place to be? Who the fuck is Angie? I don't know who that is.

People still pay for that shit. You're the expert if you say you are. That's how shit works anymore. But I'm saying, like, I want more scouts. I don't trust my scouting ability is what i'm saying you need a like a like a street team like a shite team yeah i do so what would you rate why would you rate that one that's uh i don't that's i'd say eight out of ten eight out of ten on andrew's list yeah lots of space it was almost as big as my bedroom. There's so much

space in there. I can't comment on what the men's or the women's bathroom is like, but the family bathroom, fantastic. Great toilet. So thus ends an addiction. Thus ends an addiction. Thus ends your shitting addiction, yeah. Yeah. Bronze medal performance, as

I said. So why did you, you gotta explain why you gave yourself bronze. Oh, well because if I said. So why did you, you got to explain why you gave yourself bronze? Oh, well, because if I would have made it back to the place that I was going to, then that would surely be a bronze or a gold medal. You cannot do better than that. That is a flawless performance. Like going out into the world, coming back home to shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you make it to your home toilet, whatever that is, wherever you're going, that's a gold in this scenario. I did not have the strength to continue to hold it back. I held the line as long as I could, and I broke. If I would have made it, I'd say, you know what? This is a tough thing because what if... Is this a silver medal? You know what?

I think this might be a silver because I's going to say a silver would be further distance, but then I probably end up shitting myself and I don't feel like that should be above bronze. So I think I got a silver. Bronze would be if you made it and you shit yourself, like you went 70% of the way. I don't think you can shit yourself and still get a bronze. You don't think that's on the podium? That's a brown.

Yeah. I think it's not a podium. Okay. No, you don't podium finish if you finish. You don't get a bronze. You don't think that's on the podium? That's a brown. Yeah. I think it's not a podium. Okay. No, you don't podium finish if you finish. You don't get a podium finish if you finish in your pants, dude. Well, then what's a silver? Because then if we're going to a silver, I'm then asking for a pullover at a bathroom.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I understand what you're saying, but I just, I don't, I don't think you can. I think a silver's got to be Somewhere in between those two locations But maybe in a ditch So it's not going in your pants But you're very close If you're getting wheeled off the basketball court

In a wheelchair because you shit your pants In a playoff game Yeah, you can't win a gold medal Or any medal What if you shit out the window of the moving car That way you're not stopping you're still going you're not shitting yourself you're shitting everyone behind you well you know the thing about that too is mario kart attack i feel like i feel like the judges would give you extra

points for difficulty that is true i feel like whenever you're about to shit if you if you see a toilet or if you know a toilet is in proximity, it causes you to really need to shit. Oh, absolutely. Because there's the end in sight. So my question is, if you'd have got to the restaurant and then just right then, with all the hope of there being a toilet, found out that there wasn't one, would you have even made it out of the restaurant before shitting yourself?

I have no idea. I mean, that's such a tough call. I don't know did you know uh they say i don't want to get into like other people's content or other people's podcasts but there's another podcast uh that i listened to where one of the producers on the podcast he only shits about every two to three weeks like once every two to three weeks he just like he has like an aversion to shitting but when he needs to shit desperately like that he uh he will go and just sit on the toilet and he's for like a minute and then he said like the shitting desire goes away so maybe you could try that if

you're in like a non-standard unsafe toilet maybe you just try shitting that sounds backwards i agree but that's what he says that's how he gets it's it's this dude on the tom segura on a tom segura podcast he says that uh yeah if he ever has to shit really bad he says. That's how we get it. It's this dude on the Tom Segura, on a Tom Segura podcast. He says that, yeah, if he ever has to shit really bad, he feels like he's going to do it. He just sits down on the toilet for like a minute and then the need goes away.

And Dr. Drew Pinsky was on and he like was like, yeah, that's that's that that makes sense. At the office once, my chair was hidden and replaced with a toilet. And I tried to just use it as my desk chair for a day.

And it just made me want to shit all day. Something about something about like your anus hanging slightly lower than it would on a normal chair it makes you want to drop you know you know what's funny man we've done some really funny stuff over the years i forgot we replaced your desk your chair with a toilet once that's a funny joke uh the lid was open nick it was uh i i didn't want to sit on top of the top lid because it's very thin and it was going to crack. Yeah, no, that will happen. Yeah.

What a fascinating... Well, what... Hmm. I don't understand why that would make him not want to. I have the opposite problem. I would never do it. I need... I have a colon disease.

I need to shit. I shit three times a day, and I need to. And if I don't feel right, if I don't shit multiple times a day, so i would never try it in a million years but uh i just i'm just repeating what they said on the show you ever do the thing where like you go to flip the lid up and you miss and then it just creates tension like it makes everything so much worse i've had that several times what does that mean like i need to piss badly and the lid is down and so i gotta flip the lid up to piss.

And I don't throw it up hard enough, or I'll throw it too hard. It'll bounce off the toilet and go back down. And I'm already in, like, I'm peeing mode. You gotta do, like, a false start. It's like a stutter step of piss. I'm a sitting guy. Yeah. Well, that's fair.

There's too much splash with a standing up piss. If you just sit down every time, you have to clean the toilet less. I'm the same. I'm a sitting pee guy now, too. Well, not in public, but yeah. At my home toilet. Too embarrassing? No, yeah.

I'm not going to go to the movie theater. Well, toilets are dirty, man. I don't want to... I assume one of the reasons Andrew doesn't want an away game is because he doesn't want to shit on some weird, gross, dirty toilet. I don't want to touch that stuff either. So I mean, I will always pee in a urinal at a movie theater or whatever. But at home, yeah, I'm a sit down here. I view the public like, let's say a mall bathroom. That's just like being in a constant airstrike of shit particles. Like every time you hear a toilet go right back, hold on a second. Just just just a second. I'll

be right back. I swear to god if this is another delivery person and I gotta fucking go out my building I'm just not gonna get it how far is it from like where you are to the the door it's I mean I I have to go down several sets of stairs and then need to walk around

I need to it's far it's a Andrew there's another there's another baggage for you. I'm not fucking. You're going to have to. This one melts. So you're going to want to get out there pretty quickly. It's going to make a mess. I'm fucking. It's a birthday present for you from me and Emily, and I want you

to, and Millie, for that matter, because we love you, and we wanted to celebrate your birthday. Is this getting back at the port-a-potty thing? Is this getting back at me for the... The show will be over by the time I get back. No, it's just wait. Yeah, we all agreed to wait. We talked about it earlier. Give me

a minute. I love you. Give me a minute. God motherfuckers. I put all your stupid pastries on the mic thing. I got your phone. They're your pastries. I'm not taking. Andrew, take your phone. They're your pastries, Andrew! I'm not taking my phone!

Take your phone, join the Discord. No, I'm not! Join the Discord from your phone so we can still talk to you, Andrew. I don't have the bits! He doesn't have the bits! We'll buy you some new bits as a birthday present! He's so mad about getting free ice cream. Jeff, what you didn't hear when you walked away was the first thing he said was,

if this is another delivery, I'm just not gonna go get it. I'm just not. He did say that. There's an angry Canadian dude on the front going, I'm just standing out here. Oh, man. If we would have done it one more time,

it would have been perfect. But two is better than nothing. Oh, while we're waiting on Andrew to get back, let me tell you a little story. Gav, uh, Andrew doesn't need to hear this.

It's no big deal. He listens to the podcast anyway. Uh, so last night, Gavin, to celebrate Andrew's birthday, you and I went out to dinner. Yeah. And I should verify that today it is raining. uh so last night gavin to celebrate andrew's birthday you and i went out to dinner yeah and

and should verify that today it is raining it is raining like a motherfucker all day today i assume because a we went out to dinner last night and b we decided to hang out again this weekend and try to go jet skiing together so obviously it's going to be a torrential rain for the next week or two uh however it was like a double date you and meg me and emily we went out to had a lovely dinner i believe you had the steak frites i did yeah meg had the uh she had the coat the pork the bread was very nice too yeah i had the coat the pork diablo style spicy and emily had uh after some internal debate and a little bit of debate with me uh the muscles because she's like when they're bad you know you gotta be careful with muscles and i don't know if it's the right time to have them oh she actually asked she asked the waitress she was like how the they're bad, you know, you got to be careful with muscles and I don't know if it's the right time to have them.

Oh, she actually asked. She asked the waitress. She was like, how are the muscles? Are they on today? And she was like, oh, they're outstanding today. So she was like, okay. So then we had a lovely dinner, lovely meal. We all went home. It didn't end our friendship or anything. We didn't get into a fight. Just had the nicest stuff to say

about you and Meg and went home, went to bed, watched some Survivor. We sent each other pictures of our bedtime Survivor setups. Yeah, on the ceiling. Yeah, because half the night was us talking about Survivor. You guys were on 35, we're on 36. And I woke up this morning and I had to pee and Emily wasn't in bed,

but she has to get up early to go to work. And so I was like, I didn't think anything of it. I walked into my bathroom and she was laying completely naked on the bathroom floor on the tile, just going. And I was like, oh, my God, what? I thought she'd been stabbed or something. And she was like, I don't feel good. And I was like, oh, my God, is it the muscles? And she's like, I have food poisoning. And apparently she was violently vomiting for a while. I slept through the entire thing. And I didn't hear a word. And then she was like, I thought you heard.

And you were just ignoring me because you're an asshole. And you don't care about me. And I was throwing up so much. And you just didn't come in to check on me. And I'm like, why does he hate me? I had no fucking clue uh yeah so uh good good on not getting the muscles last night

yeah I would never get the muscles for that very reason yeah I think I think it was muscles and oysters I had that time I I was shitting the plane and my bed and the shower and stuff that's true not only so apparently when we hang out versus if we do couples hang out,

it's going to be... It could be physically dangerous as well. Hello? Hey, what's up, buddy? Hey. Thanks for the ice cream. Of course, man. You got to wash down all those baked goods

with some fucking yummy birthday ice cream. They actually knew where my door was. I got a variety of flavors for you and everything. You did? Oh, we talking Dr. Mike? What's happening with Dr. Mike? Yeah, I was going to say, Jeff was talking about Survivor. Speaking of Surviv Oh, we talking Dr. Mike? What's happening with Dr. Mike? Yeah, I was going to say, Jeff was talking about

Speaker Survivor. That guy, to me, it just looks like if Tony Shalhoub's head only grew back like 80% of the way in Men in Black. I laugh every time I see him.

I want him to win. Well, keep watching. I was just telling Gavin a story, Andrew. Gavin and i went out to dinner last night to celebrate your birthday uh-huh and uh emily got food poisoning and i woke up this morning to her like she had like naked on the floor in the bathroom it was pretty oh jesus yeah so it's rough it's her is she fine now yeah she went to work dude she was totally fine she just had to get out the system i couldn't believe it i was like there's no way you can go to work and she's like i'm a hairdresser i can't

reschedule stuff i don't have a choice that's fair you know she probably said uh stylist but yeah um so yeah she was like no i don't like emily doesn't fuck around she's like i i she's a you know she's a hard worker that one poor. Man, and she was loving those muscles. I sent her some Pedialyte to work to help her. Andrew, what flavors did you get? I don't know. I grabbed them, put them in the freezer. It looked like a bubble gum.

You got a blue bubble gum. I'm guessing there's a bunch. There's definitely cookie dough. I'm going to say there's a few. I was wondering whether you would have to displace some of the freezer contents to make room or whether you had room already. Oh, absolutely, yes.

No, I had to. I had to shuffle things around. But it's good. We got them. They're all in. What do you think the next one will be? They're better. Is there a next?

There's not a next one. There can't be a next one. I got pastries. I got ice cream. Your laugh makes me think there's a next one. I got pastries. I got ice cream. Your laugh makes me think there's a next one. You motherfucker. What's the next one? When is the next one scheduled?

Thanks for watching. I wanted to keep a decent cadence going for you so that you don't have the opportunity to get bored today. What? You said you had a sound clip before we leave today. Oh, I do. Fuck, thanks for reminding me. Andrew, I've got a, if you will indulge me,

I've got a sound clip I'd like to play for you guys. To set it up a little bit, I've been listening to, I've been diving into some other content from our company lately, just checking in on things. And so I've been listening to some of our peer podcasts. And one of them is very popular.

It's a cooking show with some, like some uglier, less talented people than us, but they're pretty good. A cooking show. It's called Face Jam. Yeah, they eat food and they talk about it, right? And Nick and Eric are actually both on that show. Nick is, he plays a character called the Sauce Monkey.

And Eric plays a character, the character of a producer who likes them more than he likes us and as evidence to that i have this clip i'd like this is just like just a random episode i was listening to and this isn't i played it for emily and she's like so that was like cut up from all the whole episode of like a compilation i was like no no this is just one one specific moment it's interesting and I just want to see what you guys think about it. Now, I'll tell you. Hold on. I'll tell you before it goes in. Michael Jones

makes a joke about how Nick talks to himself in his car. Okay? And Eric liked that joke. A little lob to whisper. What do you think it's like when he drives home from work by himself and just goes, ooh, red light. Okay.

Red light. It's so fucking funny. Why doesn't he think we're funny? I've never heard Nick, or I've never heard Eric laugh like that. Interesting. Well, I'm muted on this. Yeah.

Do you understand how the recording of this works? I don't know. Versus the recording of Face Jam? You see, listen, listen. All I know is when you talk on Face Jam, you're happy and you like them, and you laugh like that for an hour and a half straight. And on this podcast, you just yell at us and tell us to stop making it you don't listen to my audio file where

i'm constantly laughing through what's going on but i'm muted because this is just you guys so you so what we hear uh-huh is just you hating us watch this Can you hear what I'm saying? No, you can't. Hey, did you know I was talking that whole time, Jeff? No, you didn't. I was muted. Because you don't tell me. You show the world how much you laugh. Why would I tell you?

How? Do you understand the difference? This is insane. This is insane. See, this is what I'm talking about. If I was Michael right now, you'd be laughing. Hold on a second. Fast food joke.

Okay, you can laugh now. Fast food joke okay you can laugh now fast food joke I said fast food joke huh you can laugh now fast fast food joke oh you're getting something out of him Jeff that didn't feel like a real laugh to me

that didn't feel like you listened you listened to the content and what you walked away from it with is fast food. What I walked away from is Eric likes those people more than he likes us. That's fine.

That's valid. I think it's valid too. I don't blame him. I'm just saying. Then why are you bringing it up? I assume we're higher maintenance, probably. Oh, without a doubt. Definitely.

Absolutely. A hundred percent. Yeah. And like the orders of toilets. Yeah. And impossible schedules. There are times where I will float ideas to Eric and I do so with the expectation of him saying, no, that's fucking dumb.

And then like maybe trying to find a middle. And then he just absorbs them like, oh, no, I don't dumb. And then like maybe trying to find a middle. And then he just absorbs them like, oh no, I don't expect this to actually happen. As this suggesting a thing. I get nervous. He's probably like, thank God I have face jam later today to balance this out.

Okay. Well, yeah, I just love going and hanging out with Michael. And then he says fast food joke and I lose it. He says some sort of a fast food joke and then you go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For now, evidence you presented some sort of a fast food joke, and then you go yeah

For now evidence you presented wasn't even a fast food joke It was about him leaving a fast food restaurant in his clip That's not it's like the context of the the joke is the red light It's not it's like calling a shit story a mole joke. Yeah, it's just the setting of it. It's like you asking what flavor the ramen was when it had no bearing on the story. You done? Thanks for listening to another episode of F*** Face. See you guys next week.

Aw. What ending? Should I honestly expect... I'm trying to decide, do I get back in the wire den are you out of the wire den right now i'm like kind of sitting up because i'm expecting to have to shoot out my door again are we good is is there a ceasefire jeff or is should i expect another is another thing great oh you want to give a full outro? Birthday outro? Do I have to?

No. Why don't you? Yeah. You do it. That, uh, 66. Thanks for watching. Oh, damn it. Thanks for listening to episode 66 of F*** Face.

There's pictures in the video files now for the stuff we talked about. It's pretty sick. Well, you had it at one point. It went away. It came back. I'm happy about it. I love that bit. Rate five. I'll just rate.

I shouldn't tell you how many to rate, but five is the best number in there. See you next week. It's going to be a while until we record, but we've got plenty in the bag. Happy birthday, Andrew Panton! Yeah! How was it? That was great. That was great. Oh, that was really fantastic. What an outro. That was great. That was great.

Oh, that was really fantastic. What an outro. That was very good. That was an all time.