F**kface - Caviar Phones // Internal Monologues [174]

Episode Date: October 4, 2023

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about how impressed they are by Gus Sorola, scanning Starfield planets, most sought after skill in a podcaster draft, phone voices, Andrew leading the college Pick’em, potato draft, the use of nose flaps, bath time preferences, Caviar phones, not so hot sports takes, Kindle sex books, talking to yourself, Gavin being the equivalent of a wolf, what qualifies as an ingredient, gas station chips, and Geoff's water park induced enema. Subscribe to the LetsPlay channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkxctb0jr8vwa4Do6c6su0Q.  Sponsored by Raycon (Go to http://buyraycon.com/face and use code BIRTHDAY). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit dragonsdogma.com to buy the game and start your epic quest today. That's D-R-A-G-O-N-S-D-O-G-M-A.com to learn more. How are you doing, Jeff? I am fine. How are you? I am okay. That's cool.

We're going to talk about robots today. Yeah, we are. He will be here in less than 30 seconds. So if there's anything you have to say about him. Less than 30 seconds. If you have anything

to say about him now is the time i don't like him oh that's i mean that's easy that's not true i love him i only like him because he has a pool for you guys to enjoy yeah i hope we get to use that on saturday yeah i would love to do that uh last episode we talked about taking over let's play we talked about andrew's ankles we talked about jeff's new achievement we. We talked about Andrew's ankles. We talked about Jeff's new achievement. We put a, uh, talked about team 17, Andrew's bad rep, uh, regulation flavors,

the flavor draft, Bigfoot, but that was all last time. So this is this time. Hello and welcome to another. God damn it. I'm excited about this time. I'm sorry.

I have to explain before, before you got here, the same fucking thing happened with this one and nick they were just talking on top of each other would stop and then talk on top of each other insane fuck we did the verbal thing of you know like when you try to pass someone in a store and then you both end up trying to adjust the same way it's just awkward and you just get stuck that was what we did yeah we both gave each other a lot of room. Do you feel like it happens more to you than most?

I don't know. I'm not polling people. I don't know how often the average person experiences that. I'd say it happens maybe once every, I don't know, maybe a year, once a year, once every few years. I'd say it happens four or five times this

podcast a week. Hello and welcome to a... Everybody shut the fuck up for a second. Okay. Hello and welcome to another episode of the F*** Face Podcast. My name is Jeff Ramsey, or as some folks call me T-Bone. With me, as always, Regulation, Gooch, Scoop, and Caviar. This is episode 174 go ahead and say this isn't

gonna be a great intro episode i think that was a great intro i got everybody's nicknames what jeff did where he screamed for everyone to shut up i had to do but it wasn't for content i just needed everyone to shut up earlier so you just do that in normal conversation you just scream shut up when when i am trying with you guys yes when i am trying to get a point across or trying to get something answered and it is people talking on top of each other absolutely i'd say that's quite extreme social conduct can i ask you a question yeah haven't you spent time socially with eric ever it happens at lunch. It happens in the morning. It happens around the break show.

It happens in the parking lot. It happens at coffee shops. I just don't want just stop. If one person is talking, just let them. I just all talking at the same time. And then we can't do an intro and I can't get answers. And it's like, I'll just jump out a window. Just jump out a window.

Insane. All right. So how do you want this episode to go next, Eric? Well, earlier, everyone was talking like like robots so we've already done that we don't have to do that now you weren't here for that but it was it was almost working pretty well um what i wanted let's see what do i want how do i want this to go um well that has been like the 10th burp i've heard from jeff in like 5 minutes. Are you okay? Here's what I want to know.

Are you okay, man? Dude, I'm just pounding Diet Dr. Pepper today. I'm thirsty. I got hot. I got hot. I was out on the tarmac today, Eric. I got hot. You were out on the tarmac?

What does that mean, Jeff? I was going to go for a flight with my friend Gus this morning. Oh! But it didn't happen. What happened? But we did spend about two hours in the sun. There was a problem with the radio. Like, we could communicate with the ground, but not with the other people.

I don't know, control or some shit. And so we just didn't take off. You sat in the plane there? Yeah. I drove around in the plane for a little while. We drove. As a matter of fact, Gus and I both flipped off Elon Musk's jet. It was right next to us on the toilet.

Wow. Did you feel like a little kid, like learning to drive? Like you're just, you're not actually experiencing the thing. You're just in like the driveway going forward and back. Yeah, exactly like that.

It's like, you know, there's two, there's a steering wheel on the left and then a steering wheel on the right. You know, Gus let me hold onto that steering wheel. It didn't do anything, but I felt like I was steering. Exactly. Uh, no, it was really fucking cool. Even though we didn't actually fly, just watching Gus go through the process of getting a plane

ready and just seeing how, I don't know, good at it. He is and how seriously he takes it. It was impressive. And kind of, would you say it's the coolest you've ever seen Gus look? No. It's up there, but he didn't look at any point

like he was approaching cool. No. Really? I feel like flight stuff is like cool, impressive guy stuff. For a lot of people, yeah. But some people, you know, I include Gus and myself in that you're just not gonna look cool no matter what he might be the the coolest nerd dweeb like he's been in situations where like dealing with like convention people like loading into like getting all the stuff from

the unloading bay and stuff he just knows he just knows what he's doing with procedure it's very impressive he is in he is i'll say this about about gus uh somebody that we don't ever talk about on this podcast so here i don't know why we're talking about now but uh he is one of the most capable people i've ever met when he puts his mind towards to something i just am trying to understand what like is confidence cool is that you're saying is cool gavin like what is what is cool about... It's not really confidence. It's just that he knows all the possible outcomes and he knows all of the possible paths he could take based on what other people say.

Like, he's just prepared. He memorized... He's memorized the org chart for everything. Like, all the, like, if, then, if this person says no... Yeah, he's memorized every possible flowchart related to his career okay i was just trying to figure out if it was actually like cool in a general sense or like gavin

specific version of what cool would be maybe just impressive impressive might be a better word like you're like andrew you're impressive i would strongly disagree with that. You do. Very impressive. You do weird shit. It's impressive. What have you been doing, Andrew, in Starfield? We're going to go immediately. We talked a lot about Starfield, so I didn't plan on talking too much about it. Let's not talk too much about it, but this is fascinating.

You're a lunatic. I surveyed every single planet fully in starfield there's there's a lot of planets there's a lot more than i thought there would be it uh has been a grind how many did you think there were and how many did there turn out to be uh i can pull that up quickly i believe that there'd be like a little over a thousand because all the marketing material around the game was like over a thousand planets so i figured that'd be less than like a thousand two hundred fifty or something like that like if they say over a thousand you expect it to be like a thousand and three exactly yeah so i ended up scanning i've scanned one thousand six hundred ninety three planets jesus yeah i remember sending you and gavin a text at 500 being like

halfway there and then around 800 I realized this is not the math is not adding up so much I've left I've played the game for about 60 hours or so and I'm at the last mission and I've scanned 18 planets maybe how many hours do you think you have in stuff oh god I it's impossible because I just have been letting the game run ever since. It's the only thing I've been playing. It's just on all those. Yeah, I can't accurately tell, but essentially any free time I have, I've been putting it into scanning planets up until last night.

I've got like 70 something hours or maybe more. I'm level 38. I've noticed that on the picture of your completed scans you are you are level 95 just from scanning i went up yeah i think like i did some side missions and stuff and got to like level 17 or 18 and then everything from there to i'm currently like 95 or 96 and that was all just surveying this planet after planet well i could tell how little progress you've made in the game because i was like oh you know vladmir is gonna be happy with all that data and you said who's that yeah i don't know i think he's in a place called the eye

right which i haven't been to yet i have parents I still haven't met. I've traveled the entire universe and I haven't met my parents yet. Andrew, when you play Starfield, you're going to love it. It's such a fun game. I can't wait for you to see. I found something fucking crazy. There's only one system I went into

that immediately gives you a side quest. Blew my mind. So I'm excited to fully explore that. I was like, I'll check this out. I was reading on Reddit today. I don't know how true this is but supposedly they paid an homage to the the planet reach from the halo series like it's where it would be in the universe and you can go there and it's a really lush and beautiful planet that looks kind of like reach looked before it got glassed i think i i think i remember that remember that, but when I've been through so many planets,

my brain is kind of broken in that way. It's like too much data. But the real issue with this planet thing, and as Gavin said, I haven't explored far enough in the game to sell any of this stuff. I haven't met anyone that can buy it, I don't think. So I have all this planetary data on my ship.

So whenever you fully survey a planet it gives you a physical item that you can then sell so i have that many physical items in my ship and i tried after i did all this yesterday to pull because i've just been throwing it in my ship's cargo because it's weightless so you can have as much of it as you want it's not there's no all of the limitations for cargo is based upon weight and not items. So I have it all there. I tried to pull it all and the game just froze. So I'm, I think I'm gonna have to like one by one pull it.

And then I don't know if the game will just crash if I hold it all at once and try to go anywhere. You're basically just walking around holding the universe. Yeah, exactly. And the whole galaxy. I would say that my game is crashing when I was doing this, like, every 45 minutes or so. Like, I feel like I'm crashing way more than the average player, just because every time I load in somewhere, it has to load all that stuff as well. You're that universe's Encyclopedia Britannica.

I am. You want to see something cool that I found? Especially if it's not Starfield related. Yeah. Oh, no, it is. It is Starfield. Sorry.

It's the last Starfield thing. Look at this. Why do I get to film this not though? No, it is. Look at this Q-tip alien. Look at this Q-tip alien. Oh, wow.

That's real weird. It's like a cotton top. It is. What was it called? I don't remember. I don't remember. Yeah. There's no way i remember it's q-tip hey uh i have a life hack for you guys okay uh i guess it's a life hack it may just be like a

pro tip you let me know if there's a life it's probably a pro tip i have a pro tip for you guys how about that if you're gonna hire a lawyer from like like a law firm where a bunch of lawyers work. Don't don't go to the Emily and I found this out the other day. Don't show don't schedule your appointment for first thing in the morning. So and then get there early enough because you don't want to be late because you've never driven there before. So you get there 10 or 15 minutes early and then you sit in the parking lot. Don't do that because you're going to get to see what every lawyer looks like on their way into work and it is way less impressive to see them in like bike shorts and like sweats and like uh fucking their street clothes walking in they change clothes once they get into the building apparently we were like what the fuck are we who are we hiring so you don't want to like pre-see you don't want to pre-see pleasantries

no you don't want lawyer pleasantries you just don't want to see him going to work't want to pre-see. You don't want pleasantries. No, you don't want lawyer pleasantries. You just don't want to see him going to work. You want to walk into the building and they're already in a suit behind a desk. You don't want to see the process from the car to the front door because you will lose all confidence. Do you think some of the people behind the desk are just dressed nice from the waist up? Yeah, it's just like the pandemic. That's my pro tip, I guess. Probably not a life hack. I agree.

No, i like it because i feel like i feel like you're cursed no matter what like you either have to come to terms with hiring a lawyer that you saw in like super tight bike shorts or not pick them for that reason then learn they're like the best lawyer available and like lose to them or like have somehow them go against you and then know how dumb you are for not going with them because you saw them in bike shorts yeah and just like they just haven't put their selves together yet they're just yeah they just look half asleep and they're like they look like i would look walking into rooster teeth at eight in the morning no offense to them that's they're

human every human being probably looks like that at eight in the morning but god damn it doesn't instill confidence when you're talking about, uh, life planning and money. And you know what I mean? I, I really liked Andrew's description of picking the lawyer, like not picking the lawyer or whatever.

Like it's an NBA roster. Like, Oh yeah, I'm not going to go with this guy. Didn't look good. Uh, pre-draft. So,

uh, I'm going to go with a different lawyer. Oh man, he came back to beat us in the final. He's got, he's six, six, but he's got really small hands and I'm worried about go with a different lawyer. Oh, man, he came back to beat us in the final. He's 6'6", but he's got really small hands,

and I'm worried about his ball control. He's definitely not the power forward that we're looking for at the moment, so we'll just move on. You got to look at pen grip strength. You got to look at just general cursive skills, memory tests. I watch The Legal Combine every year.

I don't know what you guys are doing. What do you think the uh podcast equivalent to uh that would be like are you looking for like mic skills are you like what what's sort of like the draft skill yeah you know like the way like you're talking in and out of like the it's a learned skill talking directly into the microphone well that's good because this episode nick said i sound like shit so Yeah, but then you said you were up his butt. Well, he said, is Gavin

more echoey than usual? Are you recording in a different spot? I replied, in your butt, which means no. I'm in the same spot. Otherwise, I would have said the different place I was in. How are you like them mic skills? You got him. i draft you number one

what do you think is the number one skill for a podcaster that you would look for in the draft oh that's a tough question like what do you think is the the top skill maybe a nice voice oh good voice no i don't think so i don't because listen to this like listen to this podcast we all sound like shit so like yeah that's why this podcast doesn't isn't on any top tens or look at a guy like jack who's got a great voice but what does he do with it jesus yeah fucking get him man hell yeah um do you have like a go-to uh like smooth voice that that you try sometimes eric because because your voice is probably the easiest to pick out of this group yeah but everyone says that i sound like michael and i don't hear it which is crazy i don't either but here's the thing i think i don't

know if we've talked about this if your voice had to travel down a pipe the pipe is kinked yeah and that's the only way i could describe your voice yeah i would describe eric's voice as a gravel road but i don't mean that negatively it's just there's a lot of there's a roughness to it thank you but it's consistent yeah i'm like a kinked pipe uh so i think i think that uh when i talk on the phone my wife has made fun of me for this i have a phone voice and i learned it like i like learned it from my dad i think uh just hearing him on the phone all the time and so i guess that's i do put on a voice when i have i don't think about it like i never really noticed but i definitely put on a voice when i'm on the phone so you you sound to me as

if you ever see the secret of nim you sound to me as if one of the rats from The Secret of NIMH got hit with like a ray gun and then embiggened into a human person who's very well-spoken, like a very well-educated rat who becomes a human. Okay. Hello, is that Mr. Bedore? Yeah, this is Eric. Just heard you have a pretty distinctive phone voice. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we can get that going. No problem. Shouldn't be an issue at all. Okay, so you sound like a weird pilot. You sound like a... You go deeper. You get deeper. You deepen up. Gavin hung up on me. Does anybody else change their voice on the phone? Gavin, do you change your voice?

Yeah, do you become American? No, definitely not. Are you sure? No, we've done our phone voices recently on this, didn't we? Well, we've done phone calls recently, but I don't know if you were doing your phone voice. Yeah, we talked about the way you answer the phone. Oh, yeah, I think I'm the exact same.

I think I'd go deep voice. Ring, ring, ring. Ring, ring, I think I'm the exact same. Hmm. I think I'd go deep voice. Ring, ring, ring. Ring, ring, ring. Ring, ring, ring. What? Is that how you answer the phone? Hey, it's Jeff. Is this Andrew?

Yeah. Can you not hear me? No, I can hear you. I'm good. How are you? It's been a while since we've spoken on the phone and uh while i do love to text you all day and all night i just was wanting to talk to you on the phone for a second jeff i don't think we've ever had a phone call we're doing it

right now you dipshit i'm saying i don't think this has ever happened you didn't even do a phone voice that was deeper like you were gonna do no that was see that was me i was thinking back to draft assets for podcasters i was not talking about phone voices okay so if you if you wanted to have like a smooth podcast voice yeah how would that go by not well i know that was a cue to try it but not well would be the answer i don't let's all try let's all try so nobody feels embarrassed. Why don't all of us try our smooth podcast voices? Like an NPR type voice? Or what type of voice are we going for?

Because there's different types of smooth. It could be like, ooh, coming up later. A little bit of that. I realized it is echoing because my speakers were on this whole time. I knew it!

I told you! Up your butt. I'll be honest, it's my lack of microphone skills have started to show. You've definitely fallen down the draft order. I'm sorry. You might be behind Andrew now. Oh my god. That is embarrassing. Is it?

Because I still don't think you know what a draft is, so I don't think you know what any of that means. No, but the only reason I heard it is because I was doing my smooth podcast voice and it cut through the headphones. Oh, I suck. Oh, man.

Listen, you're no crack rock in the first round, Gavin. But you're up there. You're good. We haven't decided on the next draft, have we? No, we've like 12 of them that we can do. We just haven't locked one in. Yeah, we fucked around with the idea. We talked about the idea of

coming up with the ultimate fruit, uh, what was it? Ultimate flavors. Yeah, the flavor, the best flavor of each type. I don't know where we are in any of that stuff, to be honest with you. There's a lot. A lot going on. I feel like Jeff's I'm sorry bit

that came out may have been the most polarizing piece of face since the pencil. If there's one thing I've learned in the last 20 years of my career, it's when I do a voice, in any voice, it's polarizing. I don't do it very often,

but I did that dumb ooh-ooh sorry thing, and that was polarizing. Years ago, I used to mimic Trevor from GTA in GTA videos, and people would be like, I'm going to unsubscribe from Achievement Hunter

if you don't stop. Well, to be fair, that wasn't so much mimicking Trevor. It was just going, eugh, for like 50 minutes. It wasn't like that.

It was like, eugh, eugh, eugh, eugh. That's pretty good. I think that's good. I was like... That's pretty good. I think that's good. I haven't played the game in a while, but that sounds like Trevor to me. Yeah. Yeah.

That's great. I will say if the I'm Sawy one wasn't it, it was the punchlines bit. That was... That really sent people one way or the other. Yeah, it did. Maybe we should... Maybe we should chill out on these polarizing parts that we're on.

Maybe you should give us the punchline more than 40 minutes before we record the thing. Well, I said we didn't have to damn do it that time. And I also said I don't even know what we would come up with. It was a terrible bit, and I tried to bit it was just more time would have been nice okay more time would have been nice this whole thing it was a great bit I am in a real pretzel Gavin I don't know what to do maybe you can help me through this I've talked to Jeff about this a little bit I don't know what to do I am in in a Jeff family college football pick-up league. Yes.

And I am killing it. I'm doing great. Week two, I went nine and one for picks. You have to make 10 picks every week. I believe... Can I briefly interrupt? Yeah. I don't know anything that you've said so far.

No, that's fine. Let me explain it, Gavin. Okay. So Emily's family my my soon-to-be family as i'm marrying into the family yeah you know you know kent and and dwight we went we went to vegas together you were there with them you got you had many conversations you sat right next to them at a restaurant yep i remember for like three straight days you were around them constantly so big time yep yeah yeah uh they They have college football happens every year. Right. They play a series of games. And every year we do what's called a college pick them where you do this little ESPN app and it says, hey, who do you think is going to win these 10 games? And then you pick and then we all go against each other. And then whoever does the best at the end of the year gets to make fun of everybody else. And we invited Andrew in this year, and he's mopping up the fucking floor with all of us.

Me, Emily, Kent, her dad, her uncle, her cousin, just all of us. To the point where he's ruining all the fun? Yeah, the family, we're all going to have to quit and start a different one without him. No, so this is the problem. I am so clueless, I actually accidentally made two teams in that league.

And for the first two weeks, I was first and third place. I was, I'm doing really well. I dropped the third place team once I realized, because I got invited to multiple leagues. So it was just, I got confused. And I don't use ESPN all that often for that type of stuff. Here's my problem, Gavin. The second week we did this, out of the 10 picks,

I picked nine correct and one wrong. I think I'm first in the league through three weeks. I know absolutely nothing about college football. I don't watch college football. I'm just randomly picking. And I joined... You're just picking based on, like, random names?

Names, and just like, ah, I feel like they might win this. And it also shows the picking percentage of, like, 90% they might win this and it also shows the picking percentage of like 90% of people pick this so sometimes they go with that sometimes they'll go oh I think this is an underdog because it's 60 40 and I'll go with the 40 so it's just a total guessing process by me and I thought it was like I was so flattered to be invited and it's like oh this would be a fun thing to play in but I didn't really care that much but after i was first in week one i was like oh fuck i guess i i kind of care about i guess i want to try to keep this going then i went nine i want a week two solidified

myself as as the first week three i think i also did really well i don't know how to continue like this is not sustainable because i'm just guessing and I'm not doing any research. But whenever I do research in other sports I care about, I do way worse than this. So I just don't know what to do. Oh yeah, you have to keep doing it the way you're doing it. It's just, I feel like there's no winning for me because if I do research, I feel like that will lead to me like overthinking and I'll screw it up. But I also want to keep winning. So it feels like I should be doing research.

It just is. It's a nightmare. I've accidentally to keep winning. So it feels like I should be doing research. It just it's a nightmare. I've accidentally entered a nightmare. So I've been where you are, Andrew. And let me describe it as this. It's the more I pay attention to it, the worse I do. But the more I do it, the more I want to pay attention to it. Yeah, it's frustrating.

You know, it's terrible. Yeah, it is terrible. I was definitely I was definitely better the year before last than I was last year than I'm doing terribly this year. And I've paid more attention each week since I started three years ago. It's not even a thing that I can follow because I thought, oh, maybe I'll watch games. There just isn't a lot available to me in Canada.

Like, they just don't air those in the same way they do in the US. So I'm stuck. But it's just, I feel like I'm pretzeled mentally of like, I don't know what to do. I guess I just got to keep not caring and just hope. Or maybe come to terms with, this isn't sustainable. But that has been a frustration.

I'm doing, it's like the best I've ever done at anything, but I can't enjoy it because I'm constantly like, I'm going to fuck this up next week. I'm going to go, I'm going to get one right. I'm going to go nine and nine losses, one win. Would you rather it go downhill because of the research you've put in or because your luck just ran out doing it blind? See, I feel like no matter what,

I'll spin zone it into being a negative for me. So if I do the research and I lose, I'll say, I'm an idiot. Why did I do that? But if I don't do research and I lose, I can then argue, well, if I did the research, I would have been able to just keep it going. It's a lose lose.

My brain is just going to screw me over no matter what I do, I guess, is the ultimate thing. I think I just got to keep going. I got to keep doing what's working, I guess, and just see how long it lasts. It's been it's been a pain. Is there any money involved? No, no, no. The winner has to buy dinner for everybody that they beat. That's just the only thing.

That's not a real thing. That's what we're all going to decide if you win this year. Okay, well, if it's a real thing, then I hope y'all enjoy some fucking fry smiles or smiley, whatever they're called. Potato smiles, yeah. You're called. Potato smiles. Yeah, you're gonna have that. I'll get some Kool-Aid. I'll get the Kool-Aid mix that you got

and potato smiles for everybody. That sounds like the... Well, except for the fact that potato smiles are fucking bland and gross. Emily and I tried to eat them again later and we cooked the shit out of them. They're so uninteresting. Yeah, they're not. They are such a bad mix between a hash brown and a fucking tater tot they are a low tier fry i would agree they are a low tier i absolutely like a crinkle cut i like a curly as long as it

has the appropriate seasoning do you think maybe a fry draft is is in our future oh well it'd have to be a maybe potato draft, because are there enough... Are there 12 kinds of fries? Well, it's going to get into a really weird argument of, like, is a tater tot a fry? Yes. I don't think we can handle another tot-related argument. Potato draft.

Potato draft. Potato draft could definitely work. Yeah, because apparently Gracie is so on board for potato draft, putting it in all caps. Oh. There you go. I think there's only one bad potato. I like the intro of going from fools to not rocks to bulls to potatoes.

What? To TV ads to potatoes. TV ads is great. Could I draft chili cheese fries? Yeah. Although I probably will now. What? Well, when we do the draft,

if I get ahead of you, I'll probably will because I love chili cheese fries and they have them. I mean, not if we go an egg. So you reminded me. Okay, but then if that's the case, could I just do cheese fries?

Yeah. Yeah, that's where it becomes a problem. Okay, so everything. That's why I'm asking. Those are two different things on a menu. That's true. And some restaurants have one but not the other.

That's a great qualifier, Jeff. I love that. That makes it a lot easier. Oh, Andrew. Yes, Gavin. What did you think of the strumming video? Oh, thank you so much for reading that up. I was going to put that in my notes.

I forgot. What a great video. Great editing by you, Gavin. I think it's a lot of fun to have you film gross things to have the camera guy run away from the scene is great it also like hit notes of one of my favorite jackass bits of having the camera guy constantly on the verge of puking it's very funny to me uh overall i would say jeff i i have seen olympic gold medal performances that were less impressive than your nose flaps i was very impressed oh well thank you i can't believe that you held it down the way you did i i thought it was so funny seeing i mean i'm kind of spoiling the video but the fact that you were so unaffected by it was incredible. I think that was a great pick.

I think I was most blown away by the fact that you could hear the nose flaps once they were activated. You could hear the nasal voice come through. Oh, the noise. Yeah, the voice. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I didn't consider that. People were like, he's just not breathing through his nose. And I'm like, I never said, all I said was I could stop

smelling. All I said was I can turn off smell and i do that by closing my nose flaps i can feel it and it makes my voice sound differently but i'm still breathing and alive i was in that fuck i didn't die in there this is you're not talking to the ghost of jeff because i stopped breathing for a minute yeah i mean i i can stop breathing through my nose but i think there's leakage there's like sinus leakage and i still end up smelling stuff either if it's just like a slight movement of a valve it will like shift air enough for me to still smell you've got to clamp that shit down hard like i'm flex like you don't like maybe i should say this when i'm closing my nose flaps it's like the equivalent of like

of like flexing your guns right like doing a pose yeah like Arnold Schwarzenegger doing a pose for Mr. Olympia that's what I'm doing inside my nose did you did your nose feel exhausted after you filmed yeah I don't wear you out after a while I think it's really it's the use of nose flaps that made it so jarring to hear like you saying nose describing yourself as having nose flaps gives me imagery of like you're the fish guy from the shape of water or if you just said I could block scent

I don't think my brain goes there yeah no it feels like what you're describing like the fish guy from the shape of water I feel like that's accurate on the inside and what I love is that like you know maybe 5 or 10% of the people that what i love is that like you know maybe five or ten percent of the people that uh comment levers that that uh mention it oh totally understand what i'm talking about and a lot of people say i can do that but it doesn't feel like nose flaps but there are a

subset of the community community that definitely uh say i'm describing it the exact same way that they feel it so i know it's not just me can just me. Can I stick my little thing up your nose? The little camera? Oh, the camera. Yeah, do whatever. You can put whatever you want up my nose. That was the one shot that I expected. Oh, like up the nose shot?

Yeah, just to see what was going on in there when he was closing the flaps. Yeah, we should do a little follow-up. Because I've got a little camera with a light on, and I would love to see if anything physically moves when you go nasal like that. Yeah, I would love to see that, too. I just can't get the thought of Jeff being, like,

a reverse fish out of my head now, of, like, he has gills, but they're in the wrong way, and instead of allowing breathing, it prevents breathing. Isn't a human kind of a reverse fish? Wait. allowing breathing, it prevents breathing. Isn't a human kind of a reverse fish? I mean, fish live in the water and breathe water. We live outside of the water and breathe air. We're kind of like opposites.

I'd argue that I live more in the water than outside of the water. Depending on the week. Have you been tubbing hard recently? Not recently not recently no but there are definite times I've been I'm tubbing hard I've been hitting those tubs hard relaxing would you say you're the biggest tub lord of Vancouver Island no I wouldn't describe myself as a tub lord ever lord big tub guy not a tub lord. Andrew Tub Lord Panton, as he likes to be called.

Like, I take a lot of baths, so I'd say I'm a tub guy, but I'm not anywhere near the lordship that you carry. No, it's like I'm an endurance runner for bathing. Like, if you say you have a 30-minute bath, whatever. That's the early... We're just getting started. We're still trying to get the water temperature right at that point. I think I only

take a bath when I'm sick. It's a good time to take a bath. Like if you got like a stuffed up nose or you don't feel well, your body aches, you put some Epsom salts in and you just lay there for a while and enjoy the heat and try to open up the pot. It could be the only time I think I've taken a bath would be

I don't know know maybe when i had covid last did you spend much time as a kid hunched over a boiling bowl of water with vicks vapor rub in it i was with you up until the the vapor rub uh i spent an amount of time yeah when i had my i used to uh i used to be one of those kids that if i got a cold, I would get strep throat every time. I never had a cold. I only ever got strep throat, and I would get it three or four times a year. And I was always sick. And they had me so...

My sinuses were so bad in middle school that I missed a month of school because they had to put me on some medication, and I couldn't go up and down stairs, and I was all loopy. And so I missed almost an entire month of school. And then when I got my jaw surgery, they like cleaned out my adenoids and fixed my passageways. And then I never got sick like that again. My entire childhood was that what you're describing. Yeah. Do you think that was around the time they were teaching Roman numerals? Well, third, it would have, that was third grade. So it would have that was third grade so it would have covered it yeah for sure it's the best time of year i mean we're in that fall season it's spooky it's great there's just so many things about it i love the leaves changing cozy vibes and my personal favorite holiday

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products up to 40 off i love my raycon everyday earbuds they're great they have fantastic battery life they're just awesome to use you do not want to miss out on raycon's anniversary sale what are you going to do? Wait another year for it? Celebrate Raycon turning six with their biggest sale of the year going on right now. Hurry now to buyraycon.com slash face and use code birthday to get 20 to 40% off sitewide. That's code birthday at buyraycon.com slash face to score 20 to 40% off buyraycon.com slash face to score 20 to 40 off buyraycon.com slash face i had an idea i'd like to run run by you guys maybe this is a dumb thought maybe you like this

idea i have uh i had to realize there are times you you know, on social media, and this is largely for sports. I have a weird relationship with like Twitter, because even though someone might follow me, I just have a internal like self hatred. I don't know if that's the right word for it, but I just feel like nothing I post is worth anyone seeing. And that by posting anything, especially like specific interests like hockey stuff, it's just wasting people's time. Nobody needs to see this. And the upcoming Canucks season is probably the most important NHL season of my life in the sense of if they are bad this year, I kind of have to come to terms with the fact

that they don't have a chance to be good again until probably 10 years from now for how the nhl so if you if we were in the middle of say like a break shit stream you'd probably be watching this i would oh it's just like the season as a whole okay yeah it's not the listen if we're in the playoffs or if we're in for anything i would definitely do that yeah it's a playoff game so you're saying you want to talk about hockey but you don't feel like yeah exactly like there are times where and this is a season where it's gonna be a lot of pain or excitement and i typically just bottle that but i've been really happy this summer and i know if i bottle that type of thing that will reduce the happiness also just sometimes I will see things from people that I like where they're we work.

We work in a space that is always trying to be funny constantly. And I will see things that I think are funny, but I know might annoy that person. And I don't I don't post them because I just don't want to deal with their annoyance. And I don't want to be upset. But it's just like this is I can't give an example. I don't want to pretend he doesn't want to do it because't want to he doesn't want to do it he doesn't want to do it because dude he doesn't want to do it because Eric is here yes exactly right I ran it I actually had one with Eric recently where I said I just need to send this to someone because I I can't I'm gonna I don't want to post this but

I think it's funny and if I don't tell someone and he agreed Eric's response to it was please don't post this that is it was it was very funny so he should not post it so my I had this idea let's talk about this problem with friend I think I'm going to make a burner account but then the issue becomes if you have a burner accidentally posting on your real account but i know for my time of having cheap android phones i could probably get like a 30 phone that i could access an app store with and i'm i'm gonna call it i think just my caviar phone whenever i'm feeling a little spicy i hop on the caviar phone and i just have my burner so whenever i'm upset about my hockey team

or i have a joke that i think is funny but like i just know might not be great to tweet as far as like annoying somebody i care about um i think i might have a burner caviar just the idea of having the caviar phone i like the juxtaposition of a cheap piece of shit $30 phone being called the caviar phone as well i think that's brilliant so so this account would be for hot sports takes and spicy jokes spicy like hot sports takes and spicy jokes might be a little like too strong for both of those things not necessarily spicy but just like i need a place to complain that the third line pairing isn't working out and i know nobody needs to see that in my mind let me like let me let me uh approach this with uh someone andrew that you and i both hold near and dear to our hearts

okay i'm sure rest in peace you followed norm mcdonald yes he was alive oh and we i'm not on twitter anymore i haven't been uh in a long time but when norm was alive and on twitter he would incessantly post the most boring hot golf takes and i don't think anybody complained or mind minded every you just knew that's what you were getting with norm mcdonald so if he can get away with posting boring fucking golf takes i'm sure they would, people would be amenable to hearing you talk about hockey. But I don't think that I've earned that in the same way that Norm has. That works so well for Norm because of his style of comedy.

And this is. Yeah, but your followers are people who know who you are. Yeah. And also, dude, you just pulled a very Norm Macdonald style joke last week in the podcast. Yeah, but also, dude, you just pulled a very Norm MacDonald style joke last week in the podcast. Yeah, but that like that is not nearly like obviously his whatever his version of that would have been would have been 20,000 times funnier, just like infinitely better.

So I'm just saying, like, I feel like that's this bit where that's not my bit. I think it's also just a mental hurdle of people are following me on a platform like that to hear what I'm thinking, I guess. But I have the issue of thinking that everything I say isn't worth posting. So it's once again kind of pretzeled myself. So I like the idea of having the caviar phone where I feel like nobody's going to see any of this. And it allows me to be as boring as i want without feeling any guilt about it that's the there's like strength of it it sounds like you want to compete in the boring off i it would be up there that would be my submission for sure it's mainly the idea of having a caviar

fun what if we all make caviar accounts and we all follow each other and we just have to outbore each other but you can't be boring on purpose it has to be like genuine interest dude i will bore this gavin we have competition i like this i think it's just our text threads is what you're describing i think we kind of naturally already do this in terms of measuring against ourselves. I don't know. I just thought the caviar phone was funny. So I wanted to share that as an idea. Hey, I think the caviar phone is an awesome idea and I support it.

And I think everybody should own a caviar phone. I think it's I think that should be the new thing. That should be what they're called instead of burner phones. Caviar phones like Instead of burner phones, caviar phones. Like burner phone, burner phones so you can hire a hitman to kill your dad or your co-worker or your cousin or something or to buy drugs or whatever. Caviar phone is for not-so-hot sports takes. I think we should get into selling burner phones

because we've already done the battle clobber. If we next offered a caviar phone, what's the cheapest piece of shit phone probably like a fucking mint mobile or the 7-eleven still sell phones i feel like they would be up there yeah cheap burners i just really the idea of like the wire like replacing the word burner with caviar and every mention of that show is so funny. If we're gonna sell caviar phones,

I have another money-making idea for us I wanted to present to you guys. Oh, good. Why did you say it like that? I thought that was enthused. I've been very critical of Gavin's delivery. I think that that was genuine interest. That didn't sound like...

That sounded like the... Am I... Mm-mm. No. Okay. Well, anyway, despite Gavin's lack of enthusiasm, you know, my fiancée and her friend... Well, my fiancée doesn't,

but all of her friends read these Kindle... Eric's small wife does, too. They read these Kindle sex books. Okay. And they're like, they're just like Harlequin, like the new version of Harlequin romances, but they're a little randier, I guess. And they all get them on this thing called Kindle Unlimited. I guess it's like a subscription you pay for on your Kindle and then you can read books for free. So I was like, how did those people get paid? And apparently the people who write books that are then up on Kindle Unlimited for people to read for free or via their monthly service, I guess they get paid by how many pages you read. So like if you wrote a book and somebody like a 10,000 page book and somebody read all 10,000

pages, you'd get paid more than if you wrote a 200 page book. So you're thinking big font. Well, what I was thinking is, what if Andrew's 20,000 things became a Kindle Unlimited book? It's just one per page. 20,000 things, one per page, 20,000 page book.

Boom. We just beat the system i you know that could work i'm not opposed to this idea that's a big book it's a big book yeah that's impressive can i can stuff that we've made up count as a thing what what do you mean why not like like could caviar phone be a thing? Yeah. I think caviar and phone could, in fact, be two things. And then caviar phone could be a third thing. Absolutely. That's such a great idea, Jeff.

It's like the infinite jest of just nonsense. Exactly. It's way too big. You're the modern day David Foster Wallace. You're the modern day David Foster Wallace. I guarantee you David Foster Wallace never gave any takes on caviar phones or Vin Diesel or Honey Mustard. Or Jackie Chan. I will say this.

He did have a lot of boring hot takes on tennis though. He did. Half of Infinite Jest is just boring hot takes on tennis, though. He did. Half of Infinite Jest is just boring fucking chapters of a dude going to tennis school. Stuff that should have been posted from the caviar phone. I'm so excited to get the caviar phone going. I can't wait. Maybe at the end of the hockey season, I will share that account with you guys

and you can just see the boring takes I love it what what if we all we all do it we'll be boring for like three months and then we'll give an independent judge the handles and they could just look through and see who is the most boring bastard how about I like that idea on top of that I like the idea of you trying to determine because you're not going to follow this at all how well the canucks did based off of my reading the feed if you could accurately determine if they had a winning or losing season you have to like get the outcome from all the boredom yes because i will be complaining a lot about the fourth line left wing regardless of how well they're doing.

Most likely they could be undefeated and I'd still be complaining about penalty minutes and shift rotation. Who's playing left wing in the fourth line? Uh, I don't know. It's sort of like a weird thing where they're the bottom and depth of the team. There's a lot there. We have like we're overloaded with third liners. So maybe like

Hoglander could be there, which is great name. Yeah, that's a great name. Who else? Sounds like the boys spinoff.

Hoglander. Neils Hoglander. That's like the Captain Carrot and his amazing zoo crew version of the boys. It's like if everybody the boys was was a

farm animal. I was I was very disappointed. It's like if everybody in the boys was a farm animal. I was very disappointed. There's a defenseman named Jet Woo, and whenever he'd do something great, everyone would yell Woo, but he hasn't worked out, which is disappointing. I was excited about getting able to yell Woo. Every time he does something good,

they should play that Jet song by Paul McCartney because it literally goes Jet Woo. I'll let them know. I'll send them an email if Jet Woo ever makes it I wonder if he was named after that I have no idea I've been I've been trying out talking to myself because apparently everyone

does it at it's normal but like if I wasn't around anyone I would have spent 35 years in total silence like i've never i just never say anything if no one's there like audibly or do you mean internally uh just out loud well i don't really think in in sentences either really i do i do so you think like oh that was a nice shit i'm gonna go over here and uh load up stuff like you think like that well maybe not that specific example but yes in that structure absolutely i took a nice shit earlier yeah so you had like a little internal monologue about yeah i said this

is a nice shit yeah i got listen i was i was granted words when i was when i was born and i well i wasn't granted words i was granted the ability to learn words when I was born. Well, I wasn't granted words. I was granted the ability to learn words when I was born, and then I learned words. I'm going to fucking use them. So what is going on in your head in a moment like that, Gavin? Is it just blank? Is it nothing? Tumbleweeds?

My head is more of like when you make one of the Sims do a bunch of shit and it just queues up as imagery, I think. But there's no monologue to it. There's no like... And i've been trying to talk to myself and i i don't know what to say so if you so like say it's time to go to bed right do you just uh do you just do you see a picture of your bed and you i like visualize pretty much i just like one especially with something like that, something that happens every day,

I just autopilot in there. I think like, oh, I'm tired. And then suddenly I'm just in the bed. That is an insane description. You stand up and then you're suddenly in the bed. Well, I don't think like, oh, better go to bed. I just end up there because I've gone tired. Oh, really? I've stood up and i've gone tired oh really i've stood up

and i've gone tired i am in bed i was just thinking earlier like how all my perception is so warped like not having never driven a car i'm always in someone's uber and i'm never like looking out the window so it's just like fast traveling like i don't know where anything is in relation to anything else why don't you look out the window i mean obviously you're looking at your phone but why why don't you look at your window a little bit well i mean what am i looking at the next the car over here's what i'm looking at here's what i'm looking at if i'm looking out the window i'm looking at the next car over and the person driving it always looks me in the eyes it well why why is that why is it that i can never just look at the next car over and the person driving it always looks me in the eyes it well why why why

is that why is it that i can never just look at the side of someone's head i'm either looking at someone texting while they're driving or they're driving and then just look at me and it makes me think like does the car's going by always look at me or is it just what i'm looking at that i i'm trying to wear off looking at my phone. I have so many questions, but then I need to constantly readjust under the... Like, I am imagining this in the context of me, and not the context of you, who doesn't have thoughts and sentences. Well, I have thoughts,

but they're not... They're not lectures. Yeah, they're images. Like, he sees a picture... He sees a picture of a bowl of fruity pebbles and milk, and he just makes what he sees in his mind. Let me give you an example.

I'm like, oh, my tummy feels hungry. You just said, oh, my tummy feels hungry. Right, but that's how I'm wording it. But I'm not like in the moment like, oh, hungry tummy. I feel it. And then I'll go to the fridge or i'll look at my phone or something so i'm just trying to wrap my head around this so let's say if i'm looking out a car window and i'm not saying anything i'm just looking i might see a tree and i

might in my head go like oh that's a nice shade of green i wonder if i've seen that shade before is it maybe remind me of this does it look like like you don't do that you don't have that in your head if you just saw a tree you just think of a tree I should definitely go down that thought path but it wouldn't be that's just not naturally what you would do I wouldn't have thought that sentence I uh you don't like play

little games like I make up games like uh oh I saw a blue car how many blue cars will I see before we exit the interstate you don't do stuff like that well I could do that I just wouldn't I wouldn't think up games like uh oh i saw a blue car how many blue cars will i see before we exit the interstate you don't do stuff like that well i could do that i just wouldn't i wouldn't think oh i wonder how you know i wouldn't it would just be it thinking is so much quicker than speaking i don't know i talk pretty fast in my brain yeah it's almost immediate i feel like but like like for andrew for me if uh if i'm hungry right i discover that i'm hungry i would go i'd be sitting

down and i'd go oh look at that i seem to be hungry i'll get up and get some food and i'll have that conversation in my head i assume that it's the same for you because you're also a normal human yeah yeah that's exactly how it works it might be a thing of like thinking about what i'm gonna eat do i want to do that do i not want to do that thinking about what I'm going to eat. Do I want to do that? Do I not want to do that? Thinking about what's in the fridge. Maybe I'll even sing in my head on the way down. I feel like if I'm awake, I am in conversation. And you often do it out loud. Internally or externally?

No, I go back and forth. I wouldn't say often, but I do sometimes. Do you try and talk out loud? Do you talk to yourself mainly when no one's there, or do you still talk to yourself with people in the house? More common alone, but sometimes with people. I don't think it matters to me one way or the other. I've definitely been in a space where I've said something to myself, and someone said, oh, what did you say?

And then I reply, oh, don't worry about it. I was just talking to myself. Yeah, because I do that with Meg, where she'll say something, and I'll be like, huh? And she's like, oh, nothing. But I've never done that. So when did you start doing this? What, practicing talking to myself? Yeah.

How far into it are you? This week. Have you noticed any positive or negatives from it? Like, what is your goal with this project? Well, I don't know because it doesn't come naturally to me. I have to think first about what I'm going to say to myself so it doesn't make sense. Like earlier, I was

walking upstairs and I was like, ooh, I wonder where I'll go in Starfield. And I said that out loud. And I just thought, well, that's I don't know what that's done for me. I don't know what that offers. I could have thought that. Yeah. I don't think there's a

right or wrong way. It's just interesting. Yeah, it is interesting. Because I would say for me on the inside, it's more like, you know how we used to always joke, our friend Michael, who's very talented at talking and really good at filling space, and how we used to always say that you could just put him in front of a mirror for five or six hours and just let him go and he would just talk and fill that space. It's like that on the inside all the time. It's just if you open your mouth door or not. It's like that on the inside all the time. It's just if you open your mouth door or not. I wonder if it has anything to do with having siblings. Oh. Because you and I are both only kids, right, Jeff?

And Gavin had siblings. So I wonder if that has in any way shifted that. Yeah, do you think this has anything to do with you being the least popular of your siblings? But that I would have thought would make me want to talk to myself more. That's a good point. See, from my perspective, it would be... Okay, well, Gracie's just shooting this theory to smithereens.

It's not maybe... Oh, there you go. One sibling, Eric cops to himself. i mean what gavin is describing is how wolves exist so like he's just simply like yeah he's just purely on instinct where he stands up and go bed like he it is it is that's how a wolf operates so i don't really wolf tire like the only time they talk is to other wolves, and that's howling at the moon. So, I mean, like, that...

I don't know, man. So I could be, like, the wolf guy? Yeah, yeah, that's what I would say, that you're, like, the wolf guy. Yeah. I'm, like, the wolf of the group. You're the rat. Andrew's the...

That made me lightheaded. That was very funny oh god you're like the rat i'm trying to get better at it because i feel like i don't really that often struggle to come up with conversation in real life with other people but i'm getting myself into some real that's because you don't know how to talk to you you've been ignoring you your entire life man you really should get to know gavin we love him we've been fans for a long time i can tell myself that's interesting because i already know it so do you not ever... So you don't ever... That's interesting.

You don't ever have little moments of self-realization where you're talking through something in your head and then you rationalize something and you go, oh, I was looking at it wrong, or oh, I hadn't thought of it that way. You don't ever have those internal conversations where you work shit out? That's wild.

That is scary to me, Gavin. It's happening. It's just not in words. Yeah. I think it's okay. I don't think you necessarily need to become good at this. It doesn't seem like it's been an issue for you in any way. Well I've always been dog shit

at explaining stuff and I think it's because I'm on the fly converting images into words and I've never thought of the sentences. I would really like for you to describe something to me the way that you imagine it in your head. I'd like to see like the image translation. I've realized the only time I actually do say stuff out loud alone is when I'm editing and my Mac pinwheels, and I'll often just scream prick or something just at my computer.

Yeah. That's about it. That's about as far as it goes. Did you ever... When I was really young, when I was probably like five or six, old Windows computer, whenever it would like stall when I was trying to play a game, I would threaten it because i thought that would make it load faster you'd like front on it you'd square up to

it yeah i'd be like listen if we don't get through this load screen if you crash again i'm throwing you in the bathtub you're going right in the tub it's over you and me it's over you're getting water all over you i'm just trying to play settlers too or spy fox and dry cereal yelling not even yelling calmly being like listen i'm not excited about this but if you fail again i'm leaving no choice water yeah this is it's over on you at this point yeah i gotta put you down i'm just i'm'm just imagining Kurt Russell dumping his whiskey in the chest. Yeah, the chest. Cheating bitch.

Yeah, that's great. That's you, Gavin. That's you. God damn. Well, listen, as a big fan of Gavin for a long time and someone who thoroughly enjoys conversations with him, I hope you get to know him better, Gav, because he really does have a lot to offer.

We're working on it, for sure. That's good. Hey, let me ask you guys a question. What do you refer to the inside of a battery as? I don't think I ever have... Like battery acid? Yeah, I guess. I was reading an article the other day on battery technology and like

improvements on batteries and how they're built and they kept referring to the insides of batteries as the battery ingredients and that just seemed really weird to me i guess they're different aren't they like lithium or like yeah lead acid or i just i guess i only think of ingredients when it relates to food or drink, usually. I don't think of batteries as having ingredients. But I guess technically they do. It just really stuck out to me. It's been bugging me.

Yeah, you wouldn't talk about a Billy bookcase from Ikea as all the ingredients. Right. So why a battery? I never even really thought about there actually being an explanation for buzzwords on batteries i viewed it in the same ways like mountain dew like if i endure a cell lithium is no different in my head than mountain dew code red like it just is is exciting words that follow the product i see i see i've put very little thought into batteries. Outside of, I don't, have you seen those batteries where you can squeeze it and it tells you how much battery?

I don't trust that. I don't believe that's real. I think that's, they don't really, I think that's kind of dead, right? Yeah, that's like 25-year-old tech, I think. Yeah, I don't, well, I feel like it had resurgence in 2018, and I've seen them a lot, and I was like, I don't trust this. Would you consider your bones and organs to be Gavin's ingredients? I'd consider them to be wetware is I think what I'd consider them.

Yeah, that's a wetware. I feel like ingredients is only ingredients when you have to combine them first. Like you can't smash open a dog and say, look at all the ingredients. Like it came that way. I don't know why you went with dog. I don't know. Why do you? You hate dogs?

But would you not say that the inside of a watermelon is its ingredients? Thank you, Jeff. No, I wouldn't. Gavin, go back to talking to yourself, please. I didn't think there was a problem. There might be a bigger problem than I realized. Yeah, don't say anything like that out loud. Don't walk around and say, what are the ingredients of Smee?

And then it's not good. I think there are the ingredients if you had to collect and combine them. I don't feel like, what about when you're making a recipe? Yeah. There is an ingredient list. Right. And what are you doing with them? You're going to combine them but I thought

well so aren't you just the ingredients of your mom and your dad like your dad deposited ingredients into your mom that's fucking science man come on

that recipe will not be in the cookbook. Jesus Christ. Ingredients are any part, any of the food or substances that are combined to make a particular dish. If that dish is Gavin, then this applies. If the dish is a battery, I guess it still applies. I feel like you just took us on a road for you to say that

that it was all for that no I just came up with that in the moment oh god there's gonna be yeah I think it's not ingredients if it starts that way okay well I'm not sure how I feel about it but I'm gonna have a conversation

with myself off air and see if I can get to the bottom of it. I might try and record myself talking to myself. Dude, you should. You absolutely should. That would be awesome. I feel like I'm on a first date. Like, have you never

had a conversation in your head and then disappointed yourself i do that all the time like why did i say that or why did i think that or oh you're better than that jeff come on like i'm always disappointed in my own conversation with myself yeah you also provide yourself with the immediate feedback like if you say something that you don't like you'll just be you'll fall out with like yeah i will sometimes if i say something that i i'm like that was a really dumb thing to say uh internally i will then turn it into i'm doing a character audibly so it wasn't me so i could disown that that was a that was a thing i said that's how johnny caviar was born right essentially yes

well we don't have all the ingredients for johnny caviar so it's still working on it still figuring it out yeah have you guys ever done that thing where you're at a let's like say a convenience store like the one right by my house for instance last friday night and uh you go in to buy some potato chips but you don't really know what kind of potato chips you want but you know you want something kind of salty so you go in to get potato chips and then you're looking at all the potato chips and you realize that nothing looks better than anything else nothing looks better or worse that every flavor and every style and every uh parameter around a potato chip or a corn chip is is exactly the fucking same and you're and you're standing there and you're like there is no goddamn difference between a frito and a dorito anyway so which one do i pick and then you realize you have been

standing in a convenience store looking at potato chips for like 15 straight minutes and it is way way way too long and it is noticeable and people are noticing that you're standing there staring at the potato chips because it's been at such an inordinate amount of time so you just grab the first three bags of potato chips you see and buy them to get the fuck out of there and then end up with nothing that you wanted that that's a factor of the bland ass american selection i would i would say if you're looking at Transformer snacks, Twiglets, and Frazzles, it's such a different variety.

I think your eyes would light up. I mean, you just described a bunch of shit I would never put in my mouth again. I still think about how bad Twiglets are. Why don't you shove it up your ass, all right? It would be more enjoyable than it being in my mouth. I would rather. Can't taste taste worse I'd opt for that it's out yeah that comes out the week that we're recording this yeah so it's out

okay good I got an enema the other day this is the end of the episode what the fuck is going on that's the craziest way that we could what happened I mean if anything's gonna trump the end of an episode it's butt news. It's enema news.

What's the latest? Not like an intentional enema, but I went to Schlitterbahn last weekend. It was the last day it was open, and I hadn't been in like 14 years. I think since Millie was like four or five. We did Ben King once. It was the last time I went.

And I rode on this ride called the Master Blaster. I'd never ridden on it before because the line is always too long and I think it's like I think it was the first uphill water slide like in in the world no and I never really thought about how that works or what that meant but I because it was the last day it was open there was never a line so I like out of all the times I've been to Schlitterbahn I've never ridden on one of the fancy rides because I refuse to stand in line for more than 30 minutes for anything. I'm just not going to do it.

And those lines are like fucking three hours long in the summer. You go to Schlitterbahn, you ride two 90-second rides and your entire day is over. The rest of it, you spent seven hours in lines trying to get there. Like that's just fucking stupid.

That's a stupid way to spend money in a day. So it was pretty empty because it was the last day and so i went up and i rode on this master blaster ride with emily and the first thing it does is shoot you uphill uh and the way it does that is by shooting about 75 liters of water straight up your asshole like the ride immediately pulled my pants down and immediately injected water up my butt and i was like oh and then you go down and then you go up again. And like six separate times on that ride, I got injected with water.

Like a high colonic of the highest order. It was insane. How does it pull the pants down but shoot the water up? I don't know, dude. It like pushes them away. It like pushes them up your legs. Because the water is like going going forward and so you're laying down and it just like pushes in between your shorts like your waistline and you just

shoot your shorts up and then just wipe up your asshole i don't understand the physics of this i need a diagram well i'll take you when they open up in the spring i'll take you and you can see what i mean i went with you before once didn't't I? Like 20 years ago. It was so long ago. Was that the time that we got you to eat that pepper? Me and Jason and Gus? Well, yeah, I almost died. Yeah. That was probably 15 years ago. That was still

the spiciest thing I've ever eaten. Wasn't it just like a jalapeno? Nothing? We told you it was a jalapeno, I think, but it was a serrano. Maybe. I think that might have been what it was. How that went i think but it was a serrano maybe i think that might have been what it was that how that went down like you were pepper dumb and so we tricked you i think wasn't or maybe it was just a really hot jalapeno but yeah i remember you having a real tough time with it wasn't becca there too she might have been i remember jason specifically

being jason like almost falling over laughing yeah that's really the only been i remember jason specifically jason like almost falling over laughing yeah that's really the only thing i remember we were all exhausted from being either tubing or at schlitterbahn and we stopped at like a restaurant a barbecue restaurant on the way home and then yeah i feel like my my earlier times in texas uh it was just like so overwhelming and scary. Just like being in America in general to me was so new and then I was like I'd always try and keep such a low profile and never draw any attention to myself and then I

ate that and I was just rolling around on the floor in public like in the dust. Just like ahhh ahhh Can we get those noises isolated for me? I'll need those for the break show later. Nick, thank you.

Shit. Can we get that isolated as well? Yeah, that was a good one. That was great. That was clean. Thank you. I've been making and giving them to Mike Purtle, and he's been putting them on the soundboard,

so I want to keep adding them in. Ah, that's great. Well, should we fucking end this thing? thing hey so let's play launches this week where we're taking it over and we're going to be putting up videos on the let's play channel that's pretty exciting this it happens the week that this airs yes wow what week does this air uh 10 jesus uh in like two weeks or something like 10 4 so friday the 6th will be our first Let's Play video on the Let's Play channel on YouTube, and then Monday the 9th will be our first episode

of F*** Face Off that will be on Rooster Teeth First. Let's not call them Let's Play videos. Let's call them regulation gameplay videos. Okay, regulation. On the Let's Play channel? Our first regulation gameplay on the let's play channel will be up on 10 6 uh you can check it out there nick's very excited you can go to facepod.com slash first and you can sign up and that supports us directly just a heads up

if you're looking to do that to check out face off keep uh keep your eyes peeled for Andrew's 20,000 things coming to Kindle Unlimited. It's going to be spicy. It's going to be spicy, spicy, sexy Does it need to be spicy?

Wouldn't hurt. Okay. Wouldn't hurt if you threw a couple, you know, all 20,000 things don't have to be spicy, but if you wanted to throw five

or six spicy ones in there, I'm sure all of the ladies that are reading, or just all the people that are reading BookTok would probably appreciate it. How many pages do you think it would take for you to get someone wet?

What? What? What? And you thought I was being inappropriate. I could... I don't want to answer this, but I feel like I shouldn't. Uh, thanks for listening. We'll see you next week.

Why? What do you mean why? It's ridiculous. Hey guys, Major League Fan Jack here with a look at next week's episode of F*** Face. Who doesn't know how to use their phone? It's the Caviar Collection. Let's break some sparkle surprises. Alien babies.

Patton breaks the Discord website. And once again, Andrew does not eat the pencil. All that and more on next week's episode of F*** Face. We'll see you next time.