F**kface - Embracing the Waffle Lifestyle // Rolling Several Ankles in Austin [25]

Episode Date: November 18, 2020

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about a fear of vomiting, bad ankles, Andrew's Austin antics, and more. Buy the Gurple shirt: http://bit.ly/FFgurple. Sponsored by ExpressVPN (http://expressvpn.com/face) and Manscaped (http://manscaped.com/face) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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thing? That's what I feel like I'm watching. That's a great game show. You don't remember that game. What was it called? Gavin? No, you don't remember serious. No, John McEnroe hosted a game show. I want to say late 90s, early 2000s, probably like 2001 2004 ish. And the whole thing was you answer trivia questions and they would monitor your heart rate and you had to keep your heart rate within a certain area to continue to make money and john mackerell would like serve tennis balls at you while you sat in the chair and try to make you more scared or like they just drop a bunch of snakes next to your chair you just have to sit there and answer questions about like who

is the second president it It was a great show. So are you recording right now, Andrew? Oh, yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I'm looking at the bars. Are you recording, Jeff? Yeah. So I guess the podcast already started. Here's what happened.

We didn't record for a week, which I would love to get into. Also, by the way, I have decided to provide Nick today with pictures of the shelves. I took them before the podcast and I will be putting them in Discord in a second. Because I feel like Nick deserves to see them. Why Nick before us? You'll see it at the same time. Yeah, but you really seemed excited to show Nick and not the rest of us. I like Nick.

I mean, it depends too. I feel like Nick has been asking. I don't think any of us have been asking. No, I was asking. I don't remember you of us have been asking. No, I was asking. I don't remember you asking. Nick has definitely been the voice of the chefs. You weren't even in one of the episodes. Your power went off.

I listened to that one, though. Well, and here's what's happened post that. It's infected all of us, apparently. I logged in. Andrew was going strong. I was having immediate feedback issues where i'm getting i'm getting your levels in my audition for some reason then gavin couldn't we couldn't hear him and then as soon as gavin eventually got back in and nick verified that my shit works okay andrew got an

error message and uh had and his shit broke yeah i i had to close discord when i opened it again it tried to update but it couldn't find itself. And it threw up about 97 error messages that took me forever to close. And then I realized I sat down finally, got it all working, took a sip of my cup of tea that I've just made, and it's rank.

I've got a really disgusting cup of tea in front of me. And it's my only source of caffeine now for the entire show. How did that happen? What's wrong with you? I think, you know, if you don't run a tap for a bit, it gets a little bit sort of, this water's been sat in the pipe for a week sort of taste to it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I boiled that, and now I've got that, but hot. Austin tap water stinks. It's rank, man. It's one of the worst tap waters I've ever had. It's so bad. It's just terrible. Just awful.

It's... All right Just awful. It's... All right. No, there's no defense. It's really shitty tap water. Why am I trying to defend Austin's tap water? No, you don't need to. It's fine. Sometimes...

I don't know. What am I doing? Who am I? Fucking shut up, idiot. Shut up, me. God damn it. It's okay. On occasion...

God, I feel like I gotta stand up for Austin. On occasion... It sucks. It smells. Yeah, or it gets this blue got to stand up for Austin. On occasion. It sucks. It smells. Yeah, or it gets this blue algae stuff. It doesn't taste good ever. I don't give a fuck if it smells occasionally. It never tastes good.

It mostly tastes fine. I use a Brita filter. Yeah, you're wrong. You're wrong. Andrew, do you drink out of the tap where you live? Always. Constantly. No filter needed.

Fantastic. Same where I used to live. Just delicious, straight out of the tap. Just guzzle it all day. This filter needed. Fantastic. Just delicious, straight out of the tap, just guzzle it all day. This stuff here is bizarre. And a lot of people here who grew up here just drink it and think that's what water tastes like. Which I think is why so many people drink Big Red and shit. Big Red is terrible too.

What? It's like an overcompensation of the shitty tap water. It's like a million bags of sugar and red dye. There's no, like, there's no taste to that beyond sweet. What you just described sounds delicious. No, it's not. It's not. Maybe the tap water here is poisoned so that people drink the fizzy drinks.

That's a great point. I will say, in defense of Big Red, the one time I had it, I had like two bottles and then I vomited later that day. Fantastic puke color. It was a great red i have a question serious serious question for you andrew go ahead how often do you throw up oh okay you want to get into this this is good i had a fear of vomiting for years like when i was like eight or nine i had bad chinese food and i vomited up a bunch of chinese food and it was horrible. So then I had a fear of vomiting for a long time. Was that like emesophobia or something?

Was it called? I have no idea what it's called. I just really didn't want to ever do it. It was a whole problem. But then I went through this phase where I kept getting signed up for like these exercise classes and I would vomit at the end of every class. And I was doing like two or three a week So I had just quickly it went from like a thing. I was scared of to I'm an all-time great vomiter. I'm loud I'm efficient. I'm really good at vomiting

It was fantastic One of the classes was me and these two women who are like in their 40s And they just they like kind of flirting with the trainer they were just having a great time no no this is like a gym like i'm going to a gym this is a trainer this is like a class this wasn't a school thing so there's these two like 40 year olds and they kind of like flirt the trainer and just like talk about wine they liked and and like they were super buddy buddy and then i had absolutely nothing in common with them at all i was just the worst third wheel ever and I would constantly vomit.

So they couldn't have liked me less. And there was this one time where I had- Just killing the vibe. Oh, I couldn't have been killing the vibe more. I was the complete vibe killer. But there's this one time I drank like a strawberry protein shake before I went. And that was also, like we did these stairs,

we're outside, we typically wouldn't be outside. And I walked like five feet after doing them. And just the largest projectile vomit I've ever had. And they could all see. And it is bright like strawberry red. And these women were terrified.

They were so frightened. And I'm a loud vomiter. I'm like, it's a lot of like like it's a lot of like Like it's very loud. It was fantastic Because I feel like when I've rarely talked to you outside of this podcast usually on slack or something You'll be telling me a story and you'd be like, yeah Yeah Then I threw up all over myself and then but the story continues and like the vomit part is usually Like a side issue to the main story and it's most of your stories involve you

chunking somewhere i feel like the ratio might be off i think it's just maybe such a memorable aspect of something i tell i don't vomit that often it's been a while sounds like you do i last time i vomited i think was three weeks ago and we're talking i don't know why we're talking about that that's pretty recent dude it is recent but I'm saying before that, it would have been months. How many times a year on average do you vomit? Maybe two or three. Gavin, how many times a year on average do you vomit? Maybe twice, but I do have to add that the last time I vomited was yesterday.

There you go. We need to get into that. I would say since i got sober i average zero times a year vomiting why are you guys puking so much uh twice a year isn't i mean that's like i ate something bad once probably did you eat something bad yesterday no but my cat did boy uh like 4 a.m he started making that sort of drain clog noise in his throat and started chunking all over the the floor and um it was this thing he does it sometimes where like he's a cat so he'll sometimes just chunk up what he ate but he sometimes does this thing where he chunks up literal shit like he will shit out of his mouth

it looks like turd it smells like turd like an absolute biohazard and we took him to the vet after the first time and it was fine apparently is he eating shit when you're not looking no he's just he's just vomiting like severely digested something food to the point where it's just like brown paste and i was uh cleaning it up i was cleaning it up but meg was asleep so i was trying to cleaning it up. I was cleaning it up, but Meg was asleep. So I was trying to clean it up without gagging. So I was like stifling my gags while I was smearing up all this shit in the dark. And eventually I just had to get up, walk to a different room and throw up

because the gag stifling had started to hurt my stomach. And it was every time I looked at the poo, I was almost vomiting. So I just had to get it out. That's hideous. So I will say, Andrew, in defense of what you were talking about, this is my aside, is when I was in the army way back many, many years ago, I was in the fast running group, and our drill sergeant, this is in basic and journalism school and stuff, and my drill

sergeant would not let us stop running until we vomited. So he said, until you throw up, you don't run hard enough. And so I've threw up six days a week for eight months. That's so bad. It's going to be so bad for your esophagus. I was not allowed to not throw up. And then when I went to Fort Hood and I began my first duty station, I would be so hung over that you would want to throw up really quickly in PT because what would happen was you would feel like you were dying all the way through PT. And then if you threw up, you would instantly feel better and it would erase the memory of doing PT. So I would really look forward to throwing up

because either I could stop running or because it would erase the memory of having to work out feeling sick. And then I quit working out for years and years and years. But then every time since, like one time Gav, Dan Godwin and I took a Krav Maga class and like place and throw up, come back in, work out for another 10 minutes, go back out, throw up. I did a, uh, like a fucking, like a, like some sort of a, like a CrossFit class at a gym one time. And I had to leave in the middle of it and throw up. And everybody's like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, I'm just throwing up cause I'm working out. And people are like, nobody does that.

And I realized that nobody does that. But my brain is now tricked where i work out as i work out to vomit as quickly as possible i guess because like the rote memory is that like i can stop as soon as i puke so i get to puke really fast and that's why i don't work out you also puke as though it's nothing uh like at that time where you tried to put your dog tag chain down your nose hole and out your mouth no and i threw up everywhere and clogged the sink i filled the sink with some recent threw up in the sink instead of the toilet and clogged it i the disappointing thing there was that was so easy to do when i was like 18 and I was so dismayed to find out that at that point

in my late 30s or whatever I was that it was such a it was so goddamn physically difficult to do it that I threw up an entire sink worth yeah I got through it though I did it I'll never do it again but I fucking did it that one last time disappeared off you're like yeah I can still do this and you were like you started doing it then you hold I on be right back and then you came back with it threaded through your sinuses and then you're like hey check this out and you took me to your sink you just disappeared off on your own okay i'm looking at the shelves yeah i want to just make a quick point before before we continue nick very kindly looked at the shelves said that's some that i imagine something far less grand and he said that looks amazing well done you didn't do anything you paid somebody

you don't get a well done that's like a full like armoire shelving you know cabinets there's like a ledge there's probably what 12 15 shelves there maybe on the side shelves? And then on the other side is a built-in desk and more shelves. That's why, and it's all in the room I record in. That's why I couldn't record in the room. There was like nine dudes in there for 14 hours that day. I feel like you did describe it like that, but in my head, whenever we went back to it, I was just thinking about you putting up like a couple of Ikea shelves.

A couple of shelves. 100%. A couple of ikea shelves 100 i was explaining to you what a major ordeal this was and when we got back on you guys were like you hung an ikea shelf asshole what what nick what nick posted is exactly what i was picturing i was like why wow congrats on your shelves they uh they look nice do we congratulate him they do look nice but does he need a congrats i'll take it thanks i appreciate that andrew thank you uh congrats to you as well uh yeah they still got you painted obviously and and i gotta get it's a whole are you matching the color of the ceiling yeah yeah matching the color of the ceiling and then in the other one where the desk is there's wallpaper that's got to be

installed it's a whole fucking thing I'm not anywhere I'm not close not even close you must like your house I'm not I'm not well yeah I don't hate it why would I I don't know I just never lived in a house long enough where I'm like yeah I'm gonna do all this custom stuff to it dude but uh yeah you've you've done it. That's awesome. That's money invested. I hope you get to a point in your life where you feel like installing built-ins and it seems like a wise investment.

That's the dream, Jeff. I've been pitching, I've kind of been pitching this already. You don't need to go all the way to a shelf, Gavin. You can make small changes. You can customize things in a small way. You can make your space room. Andrew, I know you have a thousand things to talk about. Gavin,

what do you got going on? Well, I just feel like we should mention that we took another break. Andrew, 11th hour last week, cancelled the podcast recording. Way later than I cancelled, by the way. Way later than when we cancelled. Not from my perspective. Not from my perspective. It was

like, what, two hours before we were going to do it? You were like, we were gonna do it you were like we can't we can't do it no it's not true that's not true you're making it i try it's worse than that because i'd reached out in the morning to talk shit about jeff and that i wasn't gonna cancel that as a hero for not canceling let me look at the time stamp it was i want to say 7 30 ish a.m it was around 7 a.m i guess you're talking earlier in the morning. I must record from my phone again. Tried my best, but I can't record today. Can't do it. That was

at 1.30 for a three-hour recording. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just before that. Keep scrolling up. Yeah, you said you might have to record from your phone. You didn't cancel it and end the whole day until 1.30. I also said I'd be willing to record on my phone. 90 minutes, dude. 90 minutes.

At the end. Might I point out that I couldn't tell if it was fucking real or a bit. So I showed up to record anyway, just in case. So it's still wasted my time. I was there at 3 o'clock. I stuck around until 3.15

just to make sure by myself in the fucking Discord. But the way, the things you were saying, you were basically calling yourself a hero for even attempting it. Oh, I was. It was an act of heroism to even suggest I could. Then you said

you wouldn't be able to record from your desk. You said you wouldn't be able to record comfortably. Nope. You said you could do about 25 minutes in this condition but an hour would be tough what on earth because you wouldn't tell us anything what on earth are you talking about you do you want to get into it andrew we want to do we want okay we can't i've wanted i've wanted to know badly for a full fucking week and i've just been sitting here waiting sitting on my hands hands, trying not to talk to you.

Because in my head, you, Michael, scotted your foot. You stepped on your waffle maker like he stepped on his George Foreman. That's what I've been picturing all week. Absolutely. I definitely Icarus'd myself. I embraced a new lifestyle, and I flew a little too close to the sun, and it escalated poorly. So last time we spoke, I had ordered the 70 pounds of mix and I was waiting for it on

the previous on early on Saturday. I rolled. I have shitty ankles. I've always had awful ankles, just the worst. Even when I was a kid, like I'd run with a limp when I wasn't hurt, just bad ankles. And I rolled. I rolled my right ankle on a walk because the curb wasn't level and I didn't notice. So I rolled my right ankle.

Then later in the day, the 70 pounds of mix came, which the boxes were not built to carry that much weight. They put them in like three different Amazon boxes and they were falling apart as is carrying them. So I'm on one leg and I'm trying to carry 70 pounds of mix of several sets of stairs. In one go? Yeah, I did initially try to carry everything up in one go, and I fell, and that was a mistake. With a rolled ankle,

you took all 70 pounds in your hands. Yeah, I tried. I tried, I almost fell. I almost did the Home Alone fall, where I was like slowly falling backwards off the stairs, and I was like, oh, I can just grab. Oh no, I can't, I can just grab. Oh, no, I can't. I can't grab.

And I barely caught myself. But so then I hurt. I hurt my ankle, my other ankle doing that. I hurt my left. My right ankle. I rolled walking my left ankle. I hurt trying to get the mix up and it was bad, but it wasn't the worst injury I've had. I've had this before

i've had issues with my ankles before where it typically is like i'm out for a week um but i really i've embraced this waffle lifestyle i've had so much fun and i thought i need to add more because i have a fridge so i have a fridge i have everything i need i don't need to necessarily stop at waffles so I made a new investment to add to my lifestyle I bought this I thought this could be perfect I could have breakfast I could have lunch later in the day posted a toaster yes toasts hot dog buns and hot dogs yes I bought a dog toaster I thought I'll sit at my desk I could cook some dogs up Yes. I bought a dog toaster. I thought I'll sit at my desk I could cook some dogs up for lunch. I have a hurt ankle. This is perfect I'm so glad I invest in this this is it arrived on Tuesday it arrived

This whole dog fantasy lined up Gavin that you have no idea I was so excited to add to the waffles You've got the shortest attention span. You've already ignored the 70 pounds of pancakes. You're on to dog toasting. Is this also in your bedroom? Yes. Oh yeah, I was putting it on my desk. It was the whole game plan I had. I had my dogs on my desk. I was gonna make desk dogs and I was just gonna

love life. I could make waffles in bed, dogs at my desk, fully covered. This is a great thing. So I get the maker. My ankle is sore. It's not that bad. I'm recovering on Tuesday. I get the hot dog maker on Tuesday.

I'm hurting. I don't have any food in my room, but I do have a packet of hot dogs and some buns. In the fridge. In my fridge. And I thought, I'm going to cook a desk dog up on the podcast. That will be my introduction to this thing. That'd be really funny if I just throw some desk dogs on, eat a dog while we record. But I was hungry and I thought, oh, fuck it.

I'll test it anyway. So I read the instructions and the instructions say experience or get ready to to have a strong chemical odor on your first cook. So I was prepared for that. I wasn't worried about it. It's basic. It's literally just a toaster you put hot dogs into so i put the dogs in i i'm afraid i don't want to undercook the dogs i don't know how effective the heating mechanism is on the inside of this thing well i assume they're cooked already you're just heating them up yeah i'm heating them here it's fair yeah i'm just eating i wanted a good heat though so i cranked it all

the way to the highest setting. And I'm sitting at my desk tracking the election. Got my desk dogs going. It's a good night. And I can really smell this strong chemical odor. And it's really it's strong, but I expect it. So it's fine. And I'm just relaxed.

I'm really happy. I'm enjoying life. And then my room starts vibrating because I have triggered the loud the loudest the loudest smoke alarm I've ever heard I set off the smoke alarm in my bedroom cooking my desk dogs and it was ringing everything was shaking it was so bad I go into full panic mode I rip the machine off my desk dogs go flying and I hobble into my bathroom because there's no smoke machine in my bathroom. Not smoke machine. Smoke alarm. I don't have a smoke machine in there either, but I'm worried

about the smoke alarm. No fears about a machine. So I put the death's dog device in underneath where my towels are in my bathroom. I'm good there. Initial problem solved. Dogs are somewhere. I don't know where they flew to not a worry my next concern

is that I have triggered the fire system for my entire building is my worry so then I have to stumble out into my hallway make sure there are no other alarms thankfully I only activated mine but recently they tested all the smoke alarms and whenever they

set one off a guy was on a phone talking to someone off site and they're like, yeah, no, it went off. We're good. We can go to the next one. So I thought, oh, shit, this is going to send a signal to somebody potentially. And the fire cavalry might be coming. I don't know if they're going to send somebody. And I don't know how I can explain the desk dogs was the cause of this fire investigation. So I'm nervous about them embracing my new lifestyle.

So I sit for a second and then I think I need to do something about all of my pancake mix. So like they were bags of cocaine, I grabbed them one at a time and start frantically hiding them throughout my room because I just don't want them to stumble into 70 pounds of pancake mix and the waffle machine. What's wrong with you? They could take the wrong idea. They would. I don't know. I thought I could get in trouble. I don't think this is probably a normal thing. I don't imagine the building manager would love this new lifestyle I've embraced. So I'm hiding everything and I get it all done. And then the dog adrenaline has worn off at this point and my ankle is very sore because I've been running around moving 10 pound bags of pancake mix running up and down

stairs making sure alarms weren't going off it was a whole thing and so the pancake mix initially fractured me put a dent in the armor and the dog the desk dog is broken that's how my ankle fell apart fractured me, put a dent in the armor, and the dog, the desk dog's broken.

That's how my ankle fell apart, was the moving of the desk dogs on Tuesday. Could not walk, could not stand the next day, just couldn't do anything. Had to spend the next several days just laying in bed. I don't understand why that, you couldn't do it from your desk, but you could still do it from your phone. I, yeah, I drove from multiple root canals straight to the podcast and you had a sore you had an ankle owie

no my my ankle was so bad i couldn't sit at my desk i couldn't i had to have it elevated i couldn't have it downward the day we tried to record that morning when i said like give me an hour i took five advils at once and then was just gonna see if it would numb my foot and it didn't it didn't make any difference that's what i had to call it i made that i made a real effort a lot your liver's gonna fail it was a terrible idea but i tried it because i'm a hero and i want to be here for you guys i'm like jeff worried about some shelves I make every attempt and so I could have I try I'd sit at my desk, and I'd go Like every 10 seconds my ankle would throb. It was a throbbing stabbing pain. That was horrendous

You know you should have done. You should have made a tourniquet with hot dogs. Oh It's good. So splint it up. I'm worried now that we that Jeff and I live so far from you. Like something, you're gonna kill yourself by accident. Look, look, you almost burned down your entire building with desk dogs and then you took

five Advils. That was one day. And then it took you a week to recover. Well, I'm still, I'm still recovering. I don't have pain, but I can't really walk but everything was fine I don't take that many that often it was like I need we're trying to record today this is what did happen though

I for the very first time dangerous don't recommend it unless you absolutely need it took a pain reliever that was beyond what you could get just like at a counter like I a prescription prescription painkiller prescription painkillers real game changer big help that was beyond what you could get just like at a counter like i a prescription prescription painkiller prescription painkillers real game changer big help that's why you were texting me i feel like i'm cheating this is what yes this is literally i had a really bad night before i took

the first one it was rough and i'm laying in bed i'm like i need to do something so i ordered a walking boot off of Amazon. I was like, I can make this. It's going to arrive in two days. I can last. It'll be fine. I then got the prescription painkillers and I took two. I canceled my boot order 40 minutes later. I'm like, I'm good. Don't need the boot anymore.

Don't you guys have socialized health care? Can't you just go to the doctor and get a boot? I couldn't leave. I couldn't move. Once you get a limp to his boot eric suggested i throw myself off the series of balconies which i could have technically done but like there's no way i was stuck in my room today's the first day i left my room in like 10 days uh well let me ask you two questions first uh did you say fire cavalry yeah i didn't know who's gonna come fire department maybe the people who work here a whole group i didn't know how many okay i didn't know if that's

like that's what they call the fire department all right i was gonna ask like what the now i gotta know what do they call it in england the brigade the fire brigade right brigade is a good word too well they used to i'm not sure if they still do second question have you had a successful hot dog since and how are they that's a great question jeff amongst the pain of tuesday night my ankle throbbing still sore never ate dinner but i was scared to set the alarm off again so i sneakily i sneakily cook some dogs in my closet put a little sneak sneaky desk dog closet action I had two of them and they were fine it had enclosed

unventilated space where a bunch of fabric is uh yeah there's a bunch of fabric I don't you know it was late I kept the lights off so I couldn't see if there was I was just very nervous it doesn't exist it's far it was on the opposite corner of the alarm. I had a fan going.

I'm sure everything was fine. To be fair, if the lights are off, you're going to notice the fire sooner. There's no fire. Let's take a break from this dumb podcast for a second to talk about The Social the social dilemma on Netflix. It's a documentary where tech insiders explain how social media is engineered to exploit users' data for profit. They call it surveillance capitalism.

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proud this year. How? I'm worried about you so you say you always roll your ankle you've been you've been to Austin to see us several times yeah and you've done fine walking around no no no no he in fact has not oh no roll that good Austin yeah oh yeah I've rolled several ankles I feel like I I feel like the last time you were in Austin, I don't even know if I saw you. You spent like 48 hours in a bathtub or something. I don't remember that. But I will say there was one time.

One time I went to, it wasn't the last time I went. It was one of the first times I went to Austin. I went to your house, Jeff. Said goodbye. It was at night. Great night. Gave you a hug. Gave Millie a hug. Said goodbye. Everything was great. I wasn't familiar with your

street and the curb and your curb was like four feet off the ground. I immediately rolled it badly. It was a bad roll. And so then I get in the Uber and I'm leaving the next day and I can't walk. And so then I get in the Uber and I'm leaving the next day and I can't walk. And I nearly fainted in the airport because I hadn't eaten anything.

And I started losing my vision. And my bag was like 20 pounds because I only pack one bag when I travel. And it's like genuinely 20 pounds. And I'm stumbling. I'm just dragging my foot. And I bought three slices of pizza and a Gatorade while my vision was going out like I couldn't see I was on my way to black out just hobbling and I'm

all good like I got the pizza I had the Gatorade everything is fine but yeah say I've never had an ankle injury in Austin is wild didn't you get so sick you couldn't leave your bed or the bathtub or something you were like you landed in Austin deathly ill I remember this I know I half the time,

well, the day, okay. I'm gonna throw up. Twice in two days. Gavin, you're blowing through your quota. Slow down. That's my yearly allowance. Oh, I'm crying. He had no pukes left for 12 months. I'm freaking

just tearing up. Okay, so the time I vomited Big Red was, it was after our team, I get sick 70% of the time I go to Austin, I just have terrible luck. It must be the water. Yeah, it's clearly the water. I always get,

I got everybody, it was bad, I always get sick, it's never good, but the day I vomited Big Red I was super sick and I didn't know it yet. And I was staying with people and we made an agreement that I would pay for the Uber to the convention center. They would pay for it back. They had never used one of these apps before and they could not figure out how to call a car that wasn't eight blocks away. They called a car genuinely eight blocks away from the convention center. So we're walking. I've been out all day. It's hot. I'm exhausted. And it's just a nightmare.

I had a whole thing with a homeless guy that I don't know if I should get into at this time. That was a whole story. It was like a Jerry Maguire moment. He was yelling at me. It was a weird friendship. He invited me to an orgy it was a strange thing but then we eventually get to the car and i thought i had heat sickness andrew i don't know why i don't already know that story but we are going to have to get into it at some point okay i mean we could get into it now no no let's continue continue just i'm to put a pin in that one anyway okay so we walk like eight my friend was useless too like he was with me the whole time. Didn't say a single thing. Didn't help me at all.

I'm getting invited to this homeless orgy. I may have sent it to a hotel that I didn't stay at because I didn't know what to do. It was very it was intense. It's a weird story. Anyway, the point is, I've been sick and lost it a lot. I guess I vomited. I thought I had heat stroke because I was walking eight blocks, but it was just I was super sick.

Well, to be fair, Austin in July is about 312 degrees. It would be easy to get heat stroke. I feel like the only times I've ever seen you in real life is in Austin. And I feel like you were just holding in the pain the entire time because you've always seemed fine. But you've probably rolled your ankle three times that day and thrown up. There was a time. I tried to burn a bottle of hell down.

Gavin, you have a role in a story that you don't know I think did I hurt you somehow? no you did not hurt me but I was in a spot I was in a rough spot it was a 4th of July party at your house Jeff

and it was hot we handled this though we took care of this we did we were fine but it was hot and i'm talking to people i don't know and all like the good seats are taken and i'm just like i just want to sit down but everyone's outside it'd be weird to be inside and then there jeff had these really like plasticky old chairs oh those things were shite they were rickety old things they were rickety old plastic chairs and uh i think someone was using one and they just got up. And I was like, oh, great.

I'm going to go sit down. I'm tired. It's post RTX. Just exhausted. And I miscalculated how low the chair was. So I kind of fell into it. And as soon as I fell into it, I heard a crack. The chair cracked.

And everybody is outside. And it's like in a movie when somebody steps on a landmine and then they can't move. That's how I felt. I'm in this chair that could shatter at any moment. It would be incredibly embarrassing. But I just have to sit and not move. And that's all I did. I sat there.

I didn't move. People would come in and out. I just look around a little bit. You, Dan and Meg were at the part you came over and you said hi and i didn't get up out of the chair because i couldn't and i felt weird to not like stand up and be like hey and so we had a little talk and you had no concept of the fear that was going through my mind or did i know you were like stood on a frozen lake right in the middle but it was yeah i was on a pane of glass that was slowly shattering, and there was no

help. The worst part was, so I sat in that chair for like an hour, and then enough time had passed in the chair that you and everybody you were with had done talking. You finished your evening, you were done talking with everyone, and you decided to go home, and you walked over to say goodbye,

and Meg put her hand on my shoulder, and it was the scariest moment of my life. It was an additional, there was extra weight and it was like a nice, it was like, hey, it was nice seeing you. But in my head it was like, this is going to shatter. I'm done. They're going to know. And so I stayed there until the evening and everybody had left and it was just Jeff and I at that point. You had to just wait everyone out. He sat there for like six

hours. Gavin, this is the year that we had the pool and Linda was there and the whole thing. Yeah, that was a really fun day. We were in that backyard for ten hours probably. Yeah, it was like two in the afternoon until the sun went down. Yeah, which is like 4am

in Texas in the summer. It's just Jeff and I at that point, we have a talk. We were talking for a bit and he's like, well, you know, everyone's inside. I guess we should probably go. I was like, I gotta tell you something. I'm in a spot here. And I explained what had happened. He's like, well, you know, we'll just

figure it out. We'll see what happens. I move like an inch and the chair shatters it just falls fall over it was perfect i was right it actually was a nice justification that i truly was trapped this entire time i never told a soul from that moment until now no i didn't i wouldn't care if you did it's a great story yeah but it was your story to tell. Oh, man. Oh, my God. And it's a shame, too, because we were all having such a good time.

And I assume I thought you weren't having a good time. Because you... Because I was probably like, he doesn't really want to talk to me. He just doesn't want to stand up. He was just, like, sitting, smiling at people. Yep. What else could I do? He was doing the head nods. He was just like sitting, smiling at people. Yep. What else could I do?

He was doing the head nods. He was still like, hey, what's up? He did that about 7,000 times. Lots of one word replies and then looking away. It was a good party. It was a good party. It was a good party. Good times.

That hurts so bad. I'm not a good party guest It was a good party. Good times. That hurts so bad. I'm not a good party guest, generally speaking, anyway, but that was a whole other level of fear that nobody else was aware of. According to my telephone, that was July 2016. Oh, wow. Is that sound about right? Sure. Oh, man.

Where does the time go? Oh, shit, Andrew. Damn. What are we talking about? So from your point of view, though, as you you said you're not like the biggest party guy no and and stuff just happens to you constantly was that like a normal overall experience for you or was that like the one of the biggest nightmares of your life no it wasn't honestly i think that was maybe the first like adult party i had gone to so I just it was fun I had a good

time okay I didn't have a lot to measure against and I didn't mind the chair was fine it was constant fear but it was also an understanding of that this is going to be a great story one day I'm imagining in my head you know how like a party if you if someone's got a camera and they set up a time lapse and you see there's a things of everyone, and they're like, in this room, they're in that room, and the sun's going down, but you're just in the chair all night. Yeah. Not moving. No.

I don't think I even had a drink. It was, yeah. Oh, I would have got you one. Well, I couldn't just say, hey, can you get, that'd be weird. That'd be a weird thing to say. I couldn't indicate in any way that I'm stuck. If I'm already up. You're all, everyone was essentially already up. There were like

five people down at a bench near a fire and everyone else was up. Oh, God. I will say this. One nice thing about skipping the recording last week, which I guess I'm ruining right now, is I was not looking forward to one of the last things we talked about the previous episode was that i had to go sell your car gavin i was gonna trade trade it in for a new car how'd it go oh well i was afraid you guys were gonna ask me how the new car was and it was at that moment in the shop getting fixed what exactly one week later

it was back in the shop did Did you buy someone's broken car? No, I bought a 2019. It just needed to have the clear coat. I bought this special clear coat for the outside and the inside to help it be more protected. And then I had to get the brakes worked on. They were a little squeaky. But the timing was just impeccable. It was like that morning, I was like, oh, shit. As a matter of fact, in similar funny fashion, I drove it

this morning, and when I got into it, it gave me an alert that the brakes need to be checked again. So I guess I'll be taking you back into the shop. I feel like you may have bought me another money pit. Well, this time I bought you a money pit with a five-year everything warranty that I paid a lot of. I paid about what it cost me to fix the old money pit this summer. I got a great trade-in on that money pit, though. Nice. You're going to love your new car.

It's beautiful. I'm excited to eventually see it. I'm excited to get to drive it once it's not in the shop. I'm excited to walk to drive it once it's not in the shop. I'm excited to walk. That's right. So what are you going to do long term about your ankles? Because you're in the prime of life. Like your life and the youthfulness of your body won't ever get any better than it is now.

No, yeah, it's downhill from here. Absolutely. I've had this. This is like maybe the 12th time I've had this injury. This isn't the worst one. So I'll be fine. It just takes a little time. When I worked at an electrical warehouse, I had this for a little over a month because

I could never get enough time to heal it. I didn't want to take time off work. So just for a month and a half, I was limping everywhere. I was sitting on carps. It was terrible. It was awful existence. Is it possible? And I'm just throwing this out there.

Go ahead. Once you're feeling better, like maybe three weeks to a month down the road, everything's a-okay with your ankle. You're feeling great. You go to a physical therapist and start doing something to strengthen it so it doesn't happen again? I mean, I don't, yeah. I mean, that would be the smart thing to do. I should at least learn how to wrap my ankle.

I don't know how to do that. And I say this as a guy who did four months of physical therapy on his shoulder for the end result to be, uh, yeah, your shoulder's just gonna suck for the rest of your life because you're old and have arthritis. So I'm not saying that the solution is a solution, but it's maybe worth exploring.

Yeah, absolutely. I think it's no it's worth exploring yeah absolutely i think it's a good thing to attempt to explore that was the the bottom of uh the warehouse was like a month and a half of limping everywhere and just it being being terrible i cried there was a guy who worked there who was like a retired hockey player who was like really tough like guy's guy not emotional in any way and I cried with my shitty ugly foot on his lap as he rolled my ankle it was a great

low but it's fine it'll be good I eventually that healed and it takes a little more than a week but then I'm good to go I have a dilemma though I I have a few things to still talk about this. I broke my phone. I Shattered my phone. It's not shattered. I put a hole in it. The glass is cracked It's okay though, but it might be the dumbest phone break

Certainly, I've ever had that mean for all the bits inside the bits are still fine. They're safely secure What does that mean for all the bits inside? The bits are still fine. They're safely secure. But it was such an effort to get up. My bathroom is only maybe eight feet from my bed. And it was this whole process every time for the first few days. After the dog disaster, it was a real struggle. And it sometimes would be hard to even leave.

So I'd always want to bring my phone with me. So I'd have something to communicate with or just even entertain myself. So every time I'd go to the bathroom, I needed both hands to pull myself there. So I put I put the phone in my teeth kind of like that. That was the move I was doing for transporting the phone. And I heard a crack one day. I didn't think much of it. I bit too hard.

I bit a hole into my foot. The glass has a little tooth hole at the top of it. How the fuck? I was expecting that it slipped out of your mouth. No. Father in law, you just bit. No, it was not. I was not going to let that thing fall. I got a good bite

on it. Gavin. Imagine you biting a hole through your phone, stepping over waffle makers and dog toasters. Dodging flying hot dogs. You have everything in your capacity to make your life totally normal, and you refuse at every junction, at every opportunity. You make your life weird. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Gavin, if I gave you an hour and $1 dollars if you could bite a hole into your phone with your own mouth do you think you could do you think you have it in you to do that i don't think i could bring myself to give it enough beans i'd be so worried about cutting myself i mean or yeah there's

no way in hell i could chew into a phone yeah it's glass and metal i think i'd break a tooth oh you tooth would be gone. It's how did you do? Do you have like do you have like Moonraker Jaws teeth? I mean, it's to be fair. It's near where there already was a crack, but there used to only be one hole. And now there's two holes. Wasn't that spy who loved me, Jaws?

Oh, was that spy who loved me, Jaws? Yeah, sorry. And by the way, Gavin, we haven't talked. My condolences. Oh, Sean Connery. Yeah, I know you got to be pretty sad about that.

Yeah, that was sad. If it makes you feel any better, Andrew and I had a we suffered a loss together with that. We have been debating on whether we talk

about. But but first, you were going to say something more about your chewing through your phone. I mean, I put a hole in it and it's not

that hard to do. So be careful if if someone listening tries that mode of transportation which i'm sure isn't gonna happen but just throwing it out there was it your top teeth or your bottom top teeth top teeth okay yeah yeah i think the pointy one why were you biting so hard because i didn't want it to fall out of my mouth and shatter every every single inch Gavin I'm going so it's like a bit of leather when someone's getting the last one off like that sort of also was

a perk of it but yeah it was constant I had to move my phone but I also was in extreme pain and wanted to yell about it every second of my journey okay I have a one-word question good pocket okay that's that's another thing it was i i went bottomless during this whole run it was just too much effort to put bottoms on and off it hurt i had to lift my leg up every time so you weren't wearing boxes no nothing i went complete bottomless during this entire entry. So you're just running around like Winnie the Pooh this whole time? Yeah, I was.

I was Winnie the Pooh. You're participating in the dicks out, two ankle busted obstacle course with an iPhone in your mouth. Absolutely I was. I heard that's the new Spartan games. Oh my God.

Yeah. Bottomless. So how long were you without pants? Uh, I put, I put underwear on for the first time yesterday. I, uh,

yesterday was, it was bad. Yesterday's the first day I had a bath or a shower since the injury, too. I was scared. I was scared I wouldn't be able to get out of the tub, but it was a risk I had to take. It had been too long. I felt gross. Did that become pungent over time?

It wasn't a concern. No. Yeah, that wasn't a big issue. I had other problems. Sounds like you've got a lot of other problems, buddy. Oh, I had another one. Should I include? I mean, we should probably wrap up.

You could tell us in the next one. Yeah, yeah. Because we're rolling. Okay. We'll continue. My last, I had a real problem. I have a few other issues that came from this. But I think we should talk about our loss, Jeff, because

it is a meaningful, we lost a meaningful figure to our loss. And I would say more so to our relationship than like, is where I feel the loss. Yes. Before we end though, I'm going to say, we never did it, so welcome to F*** Face episode

something. I don't know what episode this is 20 25 25 welcome to fuck what fuck oh i don't know what happened there welcome to face episode 25 i am your host jeff ramsey with me as always gavin free and andrew pantin andrew i believe you uh you're a phone eater now that's interesting uh we'll get into that uh and then we just did yeah so let's dedicate this episode to to sean connery but also to the great tommy heinzen who gavin you have no idea who he is um he was uh he has an interesting a really unique and interesting legacy he was initially a player for the boston celtics and then he became a coach for the Boston Celtics, and then he became an

announcer for the Boston Celtics. And so he has the distinction of being in the Hall of Fame as a Hall of Fame player and a Hall of Fame coach, and the Radio Hall of Fame is bullshit, or the, I don't know what the announcer Hall of Fame looks like, but he's a very distinguished announcer. He was in the Celtics organization for 60 years and is the only person on fucking earth who was a member of the Boston Celtics for all 17 of their championships, which is unbelievable to think about. Over 60 years, the Celtics won.

Until this year when the Lakers won, they had the most championships ever with 17. Now it's tied. And Tommy was there for every single one of them. The reason it's important to Andrew and I, I mean, because we loved him, is because there was that period where Andrew thought I hated him

for a couple of years for some reason, and we just didn't talk. It was basketball that brought us back together. And he and I, he was looking to get into basketball. I recommended the Celtics. He did this very Andrew thing where he went to every NBA team's subreddit and made a post that said,

I'm looking about getting into basketball. Tell me why I should vote, why I should be a fan of your team. I was a free agent. Which went about, he was a free agent, which went about as well as you'd expect. Anyway, he fell in love with the Celtics and he and I used to bond over all the,

just the ludicrous, crazy, wacky shit that Tommy used to say. And I would say that Tommy, uh, he was a focal point of bringing us back together and, uh, like reigniting our friendship, uh, that you were hiding from me.

I didn't realize you ever broke up. I didn't either until like three, three episodes ago. No, I, it was, I wouldn't say it was a breakup. There was maybe like a year and a half where I didn't

talk to anybody that was with you guys or part of the company but yeah what made Tommy so special is that we would watch and when I say watch I meant to look do you remember how early it was into that season it was the

post Isaiah Thomas season the season after that I want to say it was like, yeah, 12 games or 13 games in. Yeah. I just decided I was going to follow the Celtics. I'd been doing so casually. And then they played Golden State. And we're talking about that earlier in the day. And Jeff and I watched like the entire game together over Slack, just messaging things back and forth.

And we did that for like essentially every game of that season i want to yeah we we watched almost every game together the only ones that we like if one of us had to travel or something we could and tommy was just such a great focal point because he's such a ridiculous character and somebody who was trying to get into basketball he was like this not even like human figure like you just imagine that when he wasn't calling games he was in a diner talking about the team constantly like he didn't have a life beyond like him and mike who is his partner uh just talking about the team and he had such a bias for the team that it was wonderful like it was such an, irrational hatred for both refs and any player on any other team that it was wonderful.

It was so much fun to listen to his games. It's going to be a real miss because he had moved away like last season. I think, I mean, before COVID, he was only doing like home games. And even then it was like every few home games. And then sometimes it was only some of the game as well. Like he was he died at 86. He's pretty old. Yeah.

And he so he wasn't like an every every game figure anymore. But man, did we have a lot of fun laughing at the wild Homer shit that he would say. Just not even the home. Just like the way he'd phrase things or his unwillingness to go with jokes. Like I remember there's this time where it was like a three man booth and you could tell they're kind of getting ready to transition Tommy out of his role. And they were having some argument. And the third guy and Mike wanted to do this thing where he pretended that like Tommy hit

him and he's like, ow, my foot. And then Tommy just said, I didn't do nothing. You didn't play into it at all it was just moments like that it's fantastic he saw this this there was a he doesn't play for us anybody plays for the phoenix suns but there was this australian player played center for us named aaron baines who uh you actually nick used to play for your uh uh san antonio spurs i believe and i think maybe even has a ring with him and uh apparently his dick is the size of a Buick and Tommy saw him in the shower and he talked about that guy's dick every game every

time Aaron Baines had the ball or made any kind of a defensive play Tommy found a way to talk about that guy's dick it was so funny it felt like it changed their dynamic and like how he'd call him like he didn't even say he wasn't specific he said I believe his line at the time was It was so funny. It felt like it changed their dynamic in like how he'd call him. Like he didn't even say he wasn't specific. He said, I believe his line at the time was, I was watching Baines in the shower earlier. And boy, does that guy look like all of Australia? And he said it in such a way. And then every time Baines would play, he just seemed to have like an additional level of love for Baines. He had a new appreciation for Aaron Baines, which was amazing.

There's another player named Daniel Tice, who is German, and he got fouled out one game just like playing like there was nothing crazy about the calls, but he got fouled out. And Tommy just yelled like four seconds after the call had happened. He just screamed at the top of his lugs. That ref hates Germans. There's no other point. There's no like basis for that he's just amazing he will be missed anyway he will be very missed and and andrew and i got really

choked up the other day when when he died and we talked about it um that's that's our sincere moment uh that's the end of this fucking episode i don't think i've laughed so hard in a recording in like four years dude i, I had to walk away from my mic at one point because I was crying. Yeah, that was pretty intense. I think I can make Gavin vomit next episode. You probably could.

I have two funny things, but they're not vomit funny. This isn't vomit funny either. I just think Gavin's going to vomit when he sees this. Oh, God. All right. Well, that was F*** Face.

Rate and subscribe and like and tell your friends and buy a T-shirt for your mom. Gerple. Gerple. And all that other bullshit. Oh, and guess what I just got in the fucking mail. Do you know how I convinced them to make us

face baseball bats? Yes. At your extreme urging to the contrary, I'm going to hand face every one of them and they're going to come with a certificate of authenticity and the certificate of

authenticity looks suspiciously like a certain baseball card style. And it has like a little message. And then I'm going to Sharpie sign each one as the authenticity. And those came in the mail yesterday. So I have a bunch of baseball cards to sign. No, the bats don't come till next year, but I got the cards of authenticity.

So I'm going to sign each one. Takes a year to make a bat. Takes a while to get them from wherever the fuck they got them from. Are you going to sign the bats, too, or are you just signing the cards? Yeah, so the bats are like novelty bats, and they say they have the f*** face logo on the

where the Louisville Slugger logo is on the fat part of the bat. And then on the bottom, they don't do custom engravings. Nobody on Earth does custom engravings on bats that aren't full size, I guess. And so I'm going to hand f*** face, hand face just write face uh but with the stars on every bat and then uh we'll include a baseball card with my signature authenticated so it's a small bat uh it's like 18 inches maybe and how so what's the point of it so people can buy it to hit balls with it or just

to have it just to have it just like to have it. Just a collectible. Why not just sell the stump, the handle? Nobody wants to just buy a knob. What are you talking about? You want me to just sell the knob? Well, that's the bit that's got the face on it. Oh my God. Nobody's buying knobs. Look, think of 200 bats, how big that is, and then think about 200 bat knobs.

Yeah, but if you bought just a knob, Gavin, you'd be like, where's the rest of this bat? You'd feel like you got screwed over. It's a bad investment. No, I don't want the whole rest of it. Nobody just wants the knob. You're full of shit. Jesus Christ.

I don't even know where to go with that. I think we should just end. Yeah, that's it. All right. Face out.