F**kface - F**kface Legacies // Butt Cream [169]

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about potatoes for way too long, Andrew’s legacy, vandalizing statues, popular first names, family lineages, Christina Aguilera's love of Mario Kart, friendly vs. non-friendly rivalries, phone etiquette, gamer tags, butt cream, and toilet time routines.  Sponsored by HelloFresh http://hellofresh.com/50face code 50face , Shopify http://shopify.com/face , BetterHelp http://betterhelp.com/face  Subscribe to Geoff's new podcast https://link.chtbl.com/soalright Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit dragonsdogma.com to buy the game and start your epic quest today. That's D-R-A-G-O-N-S-D-O-G-M-A.com to learn more. Hey, Gavin. Hi, Gavin. When was the last time you went to Poundtown? Have you ever been to Poundtown? I have not been to Poundtown.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the F*** Face Podcast. My name is Jeff Ramsey. With me, as always, Gavin Free, who has never been to Pound Town, and Andrew Panton, who frequents Pound Town. How's it going, guys? I wish I did. What country is it in? I don't know. That's a great question.

I'm assuming Canada. Eric says it's episode 196. Nope. I said it's 169, baby. 169, baby. Glad it's not 196. I feel like there's a lot of pressure to really deliver on episode 200,

and I'm not ready for that yet. I need time. I don't agree with that. I don't either. I don't. It's the same with live episodes where people are like, we gotta,

you gotta really show out for this, and it's like, I think people really like the thing that they listen to every week, and just turning in a really strong effort every time is like the way to do it. That's how I feel. No, I feel differently. I think all the pressure's on episode 196.

That's all. Wow. Don't do that. Fuck. Don't do that. That one has to be very good. 196. This sucks. That's future Jeff's problem, Nick says. Okay. Episode 169.

Do you... Nice! What do you guys want to do? What do we want to do? I think talk to each other. All right. Let's talk to each other. That's typically how this works.

Andrew, my longest arm is 29.5 inches. No. 29.5? Yeah. What do you need with that information? I'm 27.5. Well, we kind of talked about before. I was just thinking about my arm length. I would enjoy being

like three or four inches taller. Yeah, we kind of went over it a little bit. I just didn't delete the note. How much? You don't have to include any of that in there. What? You know, we can cut that because we don't need to cut that making what i want to know what's happening what i want to know is how much of your arm you cut out for additional height are you happy with your height i'm happy with my height how tall are you six foot tall yeah it's a good height if i were to stand up straight and i uh but which isn't hasn't happened in years but yeah huh do you think are you now are you legs or back i feel

like we've probably been over this i'm uh i think i have a longer torso than normal a little bit longer and i think i'm like i could i would if i could change anything about me other than my personality and my face and how strong and fast i am and like everything from the neck up, I would I'd make my legs a little longer. I feel like they could be a little longer, but I'm happy at six feet tall. Who's got the most bog standard proportions of all of us, do you think? You. Oh, yeah. Me. Or Nick. Nick is such a regulation guy. I bet he has the most regulation proportions. I don't I don't I don't know about that. I feel like proportions for Nick would be off.

You think he's got stumpy little legs? Well, because he's always wearing a mask. So I think it's tough to even judge his proportions. Well, I see him from time to time without the mask on at work. And he seems very well proportioned, if I'm being honest with you. Does he just walk around yelling where's my face when you you see that is this what i imagine yeah if we make eye contact he freaks out he goes ah and he covers his he covers his face up with his hands he goes don't

look at me i'm hideous oh my god we just uh nick was typing don't look at me, I'm hideous. As I was saying, don't look at me, I'm hideous. Jesus Christ, Nick. We're spending too much time together. Uh-oh. I was thinking about something. What were you thinking about? I was thinking about fruit.

Well, that makes sense. You've consumed a lot of it recently. Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about fruit, right? And I've been thinking about us and fruit. We've been a fruit podcast since way back in apples. Right. So we're talking very early on. I think maybe,

especially given the last few episodes, I think maybe we want to declare, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to requisition that we are, I'm going to request rather, I'm going to requestition that we, or I'm going to request, rather, I'm going to request that

we put a temporary moratorium on fruit and fruit-related content. I think maybe we've hit the fruit enough for a little while. Maybe we should pivot into something like, we've barely scratched the surface on vegetables. That's true. Do we know? Do new vegetables drop is there like a new that is such a great point is there a new pumpkin dropping this year we don't even know because we're not no so focused on fruit and fruit-based activities that we're not paying attention to

cucumbers and gourds and potatoes and wow and root about like anything that could like all there's a whole other world of vegetables that we're not corn. What's going on with corn? I don't know. I've never been less on board and more on board. The idea that there's a new potato, I got to fucking know about that.

If there's a new potato, we got to try potatoes. There's so many different kinds of potatoes. Really? Oh my God. Peru alone grows like a hundred different kinds of potatoes. It? Oh my god. Peru alone grows like a hundred different kinds of potatoes. It's insane. Are you serious? There's so much potato. Tomatoes!

There's a million! How many different potatoes are there? How many kinds of potatoes? Now when you started this, Jeff, it was like 4,000! Sorry. There's 4,000? Oh my god. I want to go to a grocery store right now to see what i could find there's what a thousand bananas on a bag of chips that are each a different potato

oh now that's fascinating yeah i wonder well there's probably like a standard right of like what potato best cuts and like cooks correctly for what they want to go for i wonder if like a standard chip is a different potato on average as opposed to like a kettle chip because it's a different process that's a good question i think most potato chips are bought like they come i would say there's a lot of obviously a lot of different kinds of potatoes there's 4 000 right but there's a lot that you're even familiar with but i would say like the most bog standard regulation potato would probably be a russet potato and i think that's what most potato chips are made out of as well oh this is a whole this is i'm i kind of regret that we're doing two today because i want

to go do some research i want to be prepared I'm not gonna have time to do notes. Well, we- this is fascinating. I mean, we can allocate you a special ten minutes between recordings if you wanna do research. Ah, I need more time for potatoes? You gotta really take your time with a high quality vegetable like that. Oh dude, though, speaking of chips... Oh, the chips are here. We got it all. I got the chips. It's all ready to go. Everyone has their chips. You wanna know how dumb we are, Gavin, just as a collective?

Sure. The big trouble has been for getting me the last of Jeff's chips. That has been the thing that has been putting this on hold for a long time. Eric sent me a list of all the chips. I did my best to try to find places that would mail them at non-insane prices. We went back and forth. I sent him a link to a place that appeared like it would ship to me in fact they wouldn't ship to canada it caused this whole delay i'm

sure it was a massive headache we're then trying to figure out a new place and this is after maybe three or four weeks of this process it was like we were trying i had the realization wait a second eric lives in america these are jeff's chips eric certainly could just go to any grocery store buy these and then have that we've been saying that for two months what are you talking about we didn't consider that until we didn't consider that that was not that came into consideration 10 days ago considering that I created my list by going to HEB and just going to the chip aisle. I also keep shipping you shit.

It's easy. It's expensive, but it's easy. We could have done this months ago. Why didn't you just ship them the chips then? That's kind of on you, I think. You could have shipped them with Norm. Yeah, I mean, if anything, this is kind of on you, man. This is kind of honestly, like, what a holdup.

I'm really excited about the crisps. Gavin had the solution this whole time and he was gatekeeping it for me. And he kept it to himself, which is the weirdest part. Like, I don't know why you would keep it to yourself. That's why, whenever you were like, everything's there except for Jeff's, I was like, huh? We talked, like,

my ones are the difficult ones. And you've had those for ages. No, yours were easy. Ah, I'll be right back. Yours were really easy. The thing... All right. Well, the thing with some of Jeff's selections

is if you're a big chip head, they are considered some high-quality chips. So it's tough to import them to other places because there is demand. I'm coming prepared for the chip draft. Not a draft, but like the chip off, I guess. Yeah. The taste of it.

Also, I've, well, actually, I haven't finished. I would have finished if we weren't waiting for Andrew for half an hour before this. But the strumming video is almost done. Oh, awesome. I'll have you by the end of the day. We have a lot of stuff coming out on all of our channels and everything. And Jeff would be able to speak with us if he was here.

I am here. Oh, great. You're back. I announced when I got back. Did anyone hear him say I'm back? No. Fantastic. Nick will hear it in the fucking edit.

This podcast called So Alright, which has just come out this week. You can go. We talked about this last week. What's your hard on for this week uh you can go we talked about this last week yeah what's for your hard-on for this podcast yeah why are we doing this again because it's out now okay yeah but jeff voted no i mean if eric's got his dick all hard about my podcast i'm not gonna stop him from fucking talking about it i can be done nick i don't reason nick for some reason is listed as the producer and we're in all these meetings and they go nick are you producing this and he goes i don't i don't think so and uh yeah we don't really know what's happening i'm trying to make it a spreadsheet into a job hey hey gavin that's

exactly what happened for the record i'm trying to make this as easy on nick as humanly possible i edit it myself then i just give him a file and, and then he just adds music. Well, I'm not trying to diminish what he does, but I edit all the content myself, because it's just me talking and I do multiple takes and stuff, so I know how I want it to sound. So instead of leaving that for him to try to, like, that mess for him to try to put together, I try to give him

a complete file that then he can normalize audio and then add some bumpers and, you know, a little bit of audio texture here and there. But I'm trying to make I'm trying to make it as easy as possible for Nick to produce this podcast. Would you say you're happy with the podcast so far? Me? Yeah, I think so. I've recorded six now and I've released zero. I've fully edited five of the six and I only had to rerecrecord one and i haven't tried to kill myself yet so that's good i think i'm that's a positive dude fucking yeah it's been pretty good speaking

of like not trying to kill myself is anybody else just really happy all the time right now you're describing like mania no i don't think so i i think what it is i understand why you would think that but right just based on your description well mania comes in waves doesn't it i think he's talking about like a consistent it's it's mania and i'm trying to think of what was happening right before the mania was it like a severe depressive episode where he was hating himself for a long time? Those things can't certainly be hand in hand. I think the summer of 98 is really rubbing off on the group.

I think we're getting all the vibes of the summer of 98. Have you visited Pound Town recently? Here's the deal with my depressive state from those recordings, Eric, is because I was right. I have gone back and listened to those episodes and I'm not phenomenal in them. And my harshest critic, who's also my biggest supporter, Emily,

has confirmed that I was off in those episodes. And she's like, oh, yeah, I see what you're talking about. You're not great. So like, I know, I know I was right to be bummed about my performance. We also, I thought last week was a phenomenal episode and I was happy with my performance, but I think the reason I'm so excited about it lately is because we, we've been doing so much lately for the face and like the face umbrella. We've got, so we've,

we've got it worked out. You know, there's stuff that we're working on behind the scenes, stuff that we've talked a little bit about here and there, like face off and some other stuff we've got going, but we've, we're making a lot of content in the background right now and it's getting to a point where it's we almost have we will almost have a piece of content a day monday through friday uh and i just am jazzed about that like i it's like gavin always talks about how he has trouble sleeping the night before an episode i do too and then we're just like walking around our houses like fucking vibrating

before we record the podcast i'm waking up like that every day right now because every day dude i slept like dog shit last night because you're excited about this oh it's a shock well it was mainly because uh my phone started going ape shit and i got a blue alert um i guess some no cop wait a second shot in houston and uh they decided that i should wake up at 5 a.m to hear about it you know i didn't get that blue they sent like three alerts about it too it was crazy everybody was complaining about it on reddit yeah i didn't get a single one i i'm fine with being on the lookout but i think at 5 a.m is a little much and in hou Houston! In Houston! What am I gonna do? Drive there?

Get real. It overrides the whole do not disturb thing. It does. I thought you were calling me out because I texted you at like 4 a.m. because I could not sleep. And I was like, I need to get in the lab. We've been doing this for like three years. I need to figure this shit out.

Yeah, that didn't buzz my phone with the sound going, I don't know what sound that whatever you just did. Yeah, I didn't. If there was a sound, we didn't hear it. You are the worst at conveying sounds. Whenever I make a noise, my Discord just shuts me up. Yeah, this is no. You can turn that off, can't you?

I made a horrible sound. I believe you. I trust it. Like, was it like a, like a like a was it like that what type of sound you're not you're not far off how come i can hear his sounds because he has i'm good at sounds noise suppression yeah it's uh well i have a fan on so i assume you'd hear that if my noise suppression was off yeah well you could turn the fan off, I assume. Although, maybe it's essential for your air.

Is it an air thing? Well, yeah, I gotta blow the carbon dioxide away from me and the cats. It's all the cat breath that's just laying right on top of him. He's gotta get it away from him. Eric told me he's a Smee fan. Oh, I decided that I like Gavin's insane cat. Yeah?

Yeah. What was the thing that made you i just i've just heard so many stories about the insane cat that i've decided that i'm a big smee fan like you'll hold him next time you come over no because i think he'll like he'll like physically harm me in a way that will be like not funny to me anymore i think you described him as like, imagine if a cat could bite you as hard as it can and like what that feels like because that's what he does every time. And it's like, oh, that's terrifying. That's like really scary to me.

Oh, speaking of Smee, Andrew, Eric and I, you may not be aware of this, Eric and I have taken up residence in Gavin's pool for every Saturday from here on until we die. Okay.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. We just have, we just have, we're just there now. This'll be the third Saturday in a row. We're making them let us come over and I don't see any reason to stop.

And Eric doesn't get in the pool. I assume he's by. I was the first one in the pool. Really? Yeah. Wow. It's a, here's the thing.

It's a very shallow pool and it's so hot outside. There is no choice. You have to get in the water, which is warm. We're in the bath, is what it feels like. Yeah. When you said shallow pool, my mind immediately to like one of those kiddie plastic pools you would buy at like walmart i'm just imagining all of you and a child pool just standing with water to your ankles yeah yeah it's this is a great time every weekend we show up and stand

in gavin's kiddie pool every every saturday we stand in gavin's kiddie pool and drink liquid yeah it's been a lot of fun it's a good tradition a real tradition i speaking of of happy i agree jeff i've also been i feel very happy recently i'm excited about all the stuff we have going on uh i not to take it to too morbid of a place but i had a realization that has brought me a lot of joy these last few days i was talking to gracie who is a producer on this show helps with like social clips and stuff they were the voice that said um is this show happening or whatever a few weeks ago i saw people confused as to who that voice was which uh when i was having technical difficulties there was a post in the subreddit they just said who was that woman it's great it was fantastic but i was having a conversation with gracie

and i had this thought that i've never considered about what i will look like on paper to future generations of people in my family like six generations or whatever from now, somebody is going to look back at their family tree and realize they're related to the Garfield cart spaghetti guy. And it just brings me

so much joy to know the disappointment and fear they will probably have looking at me on paper and what I have accomplished. Here's what you need to do. Maybe we should all do this to secure the longevity

of our memory and, I don't know, our accomplishments. I think you should get one of those old-timey paintings that people, where you're like standing in a suit looking like

three-quarter off and you look very debonair and uh it's like giant and usually like in a great library above somebody's big fireplace i think we should commission and get one of those made then it becomes a family heirloom and then your family is required to pass it down from age to age and hang it up in a house so people will always be aware of you you'll be omnipresent for every generation to come uh and i think we probably all deserve that i think we should get five of them i think that's really funny eric just posted the photo of tony soprano with the horse which yes i love yes that

is like the idea exactly is it vandalism to put a balaclava on a statue that's a great question and if because did you have that thing in in uh in your towns growing up where if there was a statue everyone would climb them and put condoms on the fingers yeah pretty much every every statue in england of someone pointing they've got a johnny on that thing was there a rash of of like british statue pregnancies in the 80s no people just people just want them to be protected i guess against whatever could happen i think that if you want to find out if it's vandalism to put a balaclava on a statue get the andrew pantin one i just want to see how many Andrews we can get. Take a picture and tweet it at us.

No, you shouldn't do that. You'll get arrested probably. Right. We're not condoning it, but if you happen to do it and send a picture, that would be interesting and we'd love to see it. But only if you happen to run across it and you can do it yourself.

And if you happen to spot the person who did it and they take it down immediately after the picture, that's probably fine. But also don't do it. Yeah, don't do it. Don't's probably fine but also don't do it yeah don't do it don't listen to them just don't do we have the budget eric to make a very large one of those and then maybe somehow get it on the statue of liberty that you're asking if this show this podcast that we couldn't send chips to you has the budget to put a mask on the statue of liberty the chips wasn't a financial issue that was an iq problem good idea i will say chips was also

a financial issue because do you know how much it is to ship just trying to get stuff to canada oh my god it was like 50 it's insane yeah it was 55 bucks for that dvd set hey guys i think i've i think we've stumbled on a new business model. Ship a chip. How to covertly and cheaply ship chips to Canada from the United States. And what makes them cheaper than anything else? I don't know.

We'll have to figure that part out. I can't answer every question all at once. I've given you step one and I've given you profit. You're going to have to put some fucking effort to come up with steps two and three. I don't know if as a Rooster Te affiliate, we are qualified to conduct in low shipping for overseas ventures. They make it hard.

We can incorporate this with like, thank me later, like where I buy chips, but I don't want them for several months internationally. It's called what the fuck and it just charges you the insane shipping costs sometime randomly and you just look at your statement and go what the fuck what was that where did that where did all my money go it's like it's thank me later plus comes with what the fuck spy a chip and think you're saving money but it's just it's giving it to you at some unannounced time that's probably really inconvenient for you it's the exact opposite spirit to thank me later is it the opposite than a bag of ketchup chip show yeah because thank me

later is about the joy of receiving a thing that you wanted and didn't expect it where what the fuck is receiving a thing you don't want probably at a time in which you really don't need it to happen. Right. So I think it's the exact opposite spirit. What the f*** face? Whoa! Now it's all connected. See, that's why you're in the names guy here, Jeff.

Yeah, I'm the guy who helped come up with Rooster Teeth and Achievement Hunter. Don't listen to any of my naming ideas ever. I've been looking at everyone's official titles on Slack. We've got some good ones on here. We've got, well, Eric is director of broadcast. I don't think I've been that for eight or nine months now.

Nick is director of audio production. We've got a co-founder is Jeff. Andrew is face achievement hunter and i'm obviously the chancellor of the ex checker um but i noticed that uh gracie's one f brands what is that like is that the face jam and face yeah let me explain to you what the f brands are and why we're a company that's never named something well what's in our life. What's F Brands? F Brands is the thing that I channel manage that I oversee. I oversee F*** Face.

Yeah. I oversee Face Jam. And for my final F Brand, it's Anma. Right? Yeah. So you figure that out because i still can't gracie can you change your title to line producer e brands it's basically any brand that eric runs right why don't we call it f brands why don't we just call it e brands i don't know i i don't know to me it just looked

like uh i don't want to put face is my job title. No, F Brands is the thing because it's Face Jam also. And then I keep and then it's at the beginning of all this. I went, what's Anma, right? And I go, right. But like, we'll just call it F Brands. And I just go, it's fine. As long as it's not public facing, it doesn't matter. So anyway, now it's public facing.

Thank you so much. I will say there are a lot of people in the company who don't like to say face and they refer to it as F face. And so I feel like it's to provide cover also for some people who just aren't comfortable with, uh, with some of the, the, you know,

do you think maybe some of those people work for the wrong company? Do I think that I couldn't say, okay, no, I don't. I really don't. Okay. Uh, I have't. I really don't. I have also, mine says co-founder and comma other things.

I don't even know what that means. Who puts those there? Well, some of the F brands. You do. You put those there. I'm pretty sure I didn't. You should know. Also, I was, you know, Achievement Hunter, Rooster Teeth, you know, I wasn't, you're criticizing your name ability, but F*** Face as well.

I mean, clearly, you're great at this. I'm happy with this. I think it's it's a name. I'll agree with that. We can't, you know, listen, like what? What is a good batting average in baseball? It's like less than 500 percent, right? Three hundred.

Three hundred. Yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah. I mean, you're swinging way above 300. Oh, thanks man. I'll take that.

And the name department, you're doing great. But have you, I'm curious, like, have you ever thought about like how you will come across to other people that don't know you in the future? Yeah.

So I'm like, so I'm getting the painting made. It just is like reshaped my view of how I do things. Like anytime there's a sleep spaghetti i know i'm disappointing a future generation of my family and it just makes it even funnier to me here the reality like that is funny that's a funny angle to take but the reality is i don't give a fuck about what anybody thinks about me alive or dead or not living yet like i'm never gonna meet those people and have the opportunity to give them my side of the story so fuck them they can like me or not i will never

our paths will never cross they don't exist yet to be clear i don't care if they like me or dislike me i just think it's hilarious like it brings me joy i will be dead but i will i'm laughing in my death at just knowing somebody's gonna have to uncover all this shit. Why don't you leave a personalized message to little Steve six generations down from you? That would be really

creepy if there was a little Steve six generations down. You never know, it could happen. It could. Do I just have to write, like, letters for a bunch of names and just see? You could just say it right now. You could just give a message to Steve. Ah, I don't know. It's a lot of pressure.

It's not. Listen, I'll dedicate some terrible thing to Lil Steve in the future. Okay. Lil Steve? What are like the most popular names in the world? You could just like just cover that. David. It's true.

John. But then there might be, you know, like Elmer was really big in like 1940. There's not a lot of Elmers now. Things come in and out. It'll come around. It'll be like Horace or something. Yeah. John.

I bet you John is probably the most popular name of all time. What is the most popular name? Probably Jesus. I think Maria is like the most popular name on Earth Jesus. I think Maria is like the most popular name on Earth. Really? I just looked it up. Yeah.

Gavin, what would you say to your future progeny? Hello, little thing. Alright. Hello there. Because he's in my head he's three. Alright. Hello there. Please, like... Because he's, in my head, he's three. Okay.

You guys are much nicer to future versions of you than I would be. Here's what I would say. I'd say, hey, what the fuck are you doing with your life? Look at what I did. What are you doing? I built something here.

Get your head out of your ass and work harder. Do some stuff. I like how you're scolding them for looking at what you did by saying, look at what I did. Yeah. I'm saying, if everybody that comes after me is less successful than me, I think they're fucking losers. But if they're more successful than me, they're fucking braggy suckers.

They've got to be exactly as successful as I was. Yeah, it's like when you play video games and anyone better than you is like a no-life loser at anyone. Or a cheater. Yeah, exactly. It's really funny to me the idea that little Steve is getting that message

and then progresses to see what you did and it's drink a bunch of fruit. Make Kool-Aid. Dollars on fruit. I can do that. Get embarrassingly drunk on 10,000 hours of video footage and then discover fruit.

Oh, man. Okay. Oh, bloody Kent Nichols just texted me. Oh, what did he say? He's just talking about lenses and shit. It was funny when I saw him in Vegas. I said, I haven't spoken to you since Lockout, which was like a Halo 2 map,

which I think was the last time I played Halo with him. It's funny, like, remembering the last time I hung out with someone, but it was in a completely virtual world. Yeah. Yeah, that's funny. Just locked. Well, wait. Were you guys playing MCC or were you playing?

Nah. No. Talking like 2005 probably. Oh, wow. That might be the last time Kip played a video game. He's not a big gamer. This ad is brought to you by HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Fall is right around the corner and HelloFresh is here to help you plan for the busy season ahead

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Shopify.com slash face. I have an exciting update. I may have indirectly talking about family lineage. This podcast may have been discovered by somebody notable. A famous person. We've talked about famous people listening to the show before i had something crazy happened crazies may be a strong word my cousin got married my cousin got married to the person who invented master class and they had like a big, like rich, whatever, famous person wedding recently.

Were you invited? I was not invited. No, sadly. It's not invited. It's a tough one, Jeff. I don't know. You immediately took a swing. I'm just asking.

I'm just asking. Fair question. What cousin? First, second, third, fourth, eighth? I don't know what any of those things are. Are you close to them? No. Okay.

But they're family. Similar age range? Yeah. Relatively close. Do you see them at like summer barbecues and get-togethers and Christmas and Thanksgiving, that kind of thing? I probably haven't seen this cousin in like 16, 17 years. What's their favorite book? I don't know the answer to that question, but I'm sure I could find that out for you

if you really want to know. I could try to get back in touch. Okay. Yeah, please do. Anyway, they had a wedding, and at the table was Christina Aguilera, the family wedding, or whatever. So she's hanging out with them,

and they were talking. My uncle was talking. Now, nobody in my family knows anything about video games so they're talking to christina aguilera who's at this wedding and they were just trying to make small talk and they asked like what is your favorite thing to do like what in your off time what do you enjoy doing and apparently christina aguilera fucking loves mario kart super in the mario kart they're like it's all I play whenever at free time I play Mario Kart my uncle Unknowingly wasn't attempting to lie

Heard that Knew my past history with Garfield Kart thought video game cart game Said to Christina Aguilera That's my I have a nephew who's the best player in the world at that game they have they have all of the best times in that game in that Mario Kart game Aguilera was apparently very impressed by this was very excited by this news was like who is he my uncle gave them immediately wanted your info yeah exactly so I don't who knows if she ever followed through on that but there is a possibility in which christina aguilera for a brief time thought

that i was the best mario kart player in the world looked me up and only discovered face and garfield kart 2 and that makes me really happy do you think she'll eventually challenge you no i don't think so i don't think she's impressed by Garfield cartoon I'd assume I should probably never tried it that's true that would rule if we just out of nowhere had a gaming video where you play Mario Kart for some reason I think our friends color X Tina do you think do you think if you got really really really good times in Mario Kart now you could get Christina Aguilera's attention like you like you're closer you think if you got really, really, really good times in Mario Kart now, you could get Christina Aguilera's attention? Like, you're closer than you were before, you know what I mean?

You are closer to Christina Aguilera than you've ever been. That's true. Yeah, don't blow this. Well, I don't think I can. There's nowhere to go from this. I don't even have the top times in Garfield Kart anymore. I'm not getting any top time. Right, right, but we have to top times in Garfield cart anymore. I'm not getting any top time. Right, right.

But we have to move on from Garfield cart. We got to get Mario cart top times to hang out with Christina Aguilera, your cousin's friend or whatever. You need to start training. Yeah, stop letting the skips. Yeah, what are you doing? Is she into nugget challenges maybe? I don't know.

Do you think she does like, she like speed runs? Like she wants like AGDQ or whatever. Yeah. She's into like, maybe she does like rainbow road, skip stuff. And she's like really doing that. Possible. It's possible.

She's big on the link to the past randomizer. Oh, she loves those. That's her number. That was her number two. Yeah. Her number two favorite thing to do is watch randomizer videos big into it christina watching randomizer speedrun videos it's so funny i wonder if you guys will have like a

friendly rivalry or if it'll be acrimonious from the start oh I think it would be a friendly rivalry. Well, maybe. I don't really have like genuine mean like hatred rivalries. What do you mean? She might. That's yeah, but I guess you need to to go that way.

I don't think you do. There's a lot of people that hate me who I don't hate back. I have I have a no I bear no ill will towards a ton of people who hate the fuck out of me. But what am I going to do?

Would you describe that as a rivalry? I think it needs to go both ways. On their end, I think it is. I think that's just hatred. I don't think that's a rivalry. I think there needs to be a mutual thing for it to be an actual rivalry. Although the exception that Eric would know better about this than I would.

Doesn't these are wrestling people. Doesn't like Jim Cornette hate Vince Russo and Vince Russo is indifferent to Jim Cornette, but Jim Cornette can't stay like he just actively wants Vince Russo to die. Yeah. Over wrestling. Yeah. It's like that's I guess I'd call that a rivalry and that is it's seemingly very one-sided rivalry I think the way to look at it is that it means so

much to one guy and it doesn't like the thing that he feels like the other guy ruined it means so much to him and the guy that quote-unquote ruined it doesn't give a fuck about it so much that he doesn't care that this other guy wishes him dead. There's a great compilation of, I think it was Dark Side of the Ring, like covered them in some way, which is like a vice wrestling thing, where it's Jim Cornette yelling at Vince Russo being like, I am going to kill that motherfucker and piss on his grave. I will choke him out. I will make his children watch.

He is a no good line son of a bitch and then cut to vince russo just being like it's wrestling from 20 years ago jesus christ when are we gonna move on it would really be like jeff like if you just were so mad at Gavin for something that happened in Worms in 2008 and Gavin was like it's fucking Worms I mean I've had that conversation with a few people

I was about to say I think you've just described my relationship with Ray I think he's still mad at me about shit he's still mad at me that I threw some fucking blocks in front of him in a Mario game in 2012. I think the biggest version of that is probably how the Philadelphia 76ers have a rivalry with the Boston Celtics, who don't care because we beat them with our 6th through 10th starter, or 6th through 10th man. And Joel Embiid goes to bed every night punching a pillow, seeing a picture of Jason Tatum,

and Jason Tatum doesn't think about Joel Embiid at all. Confetti game. I love Ray, and I really miss playing games with him. I blew him up once with C4 in a game of Rainbow Six, and I thought he was going to murder me in real life. Yeah, he was.

Just because I kept opening doors with C4 instead of the handle and he was really not happy about it after a while i remember that day dude i forgot you did that see now imagine there's a documentary where they ask ray about it and he goes i'll kill you i'll fucking kill you i'll kill you and then it hard cuts to you and you go, oh yeah, that was funny. That's all this is. What was the last trait that you noticed in a random stranger that you thought, I'll never be that guy.

Like, I'll never have that trait. I should give an example. What are you talking about? Please give an example. I just, I was with a guy in public, guy's phone rang, rang, and he just answered it.

And he just said, he just answered it. He went, talk to me. And I just figured I'm never going to be a talk to me guy. I'm never going to answer the phone and say, talk to me. I could never pull that off.

And I feel like I'm noticing that about people a lot more where I just differ from them at my core level. Would it help? Would you like to be a talk-to-me guy? Like, would you feel good if you did that? No, I don't think I would. There's something about it I don't like about it. So you're happy not to be that guy?

Yeah, I mean, nothing against that guy or talk-to-me guys. I just don't think that's a cool thing to say when you answer the phone. Oh, you don't think it's cool? No, I just don't think it's very cool. Because you've never tried it. How about this?

After we record, what if I call you and you just throw it out there? You just say talk to me. Just to see how it feels. Try it privately. Any comment leavers, if you're a talk-to-me people, let me know if you think it's cool and I'm wrong. There was... I was... I heard the story about this guy that was in Vegas and his last name was Free and the waitress was like, that's a funny name.

And she said, have you ever gotten anything free because of that? And then they said, maybe this drink. And then they didn't get it for free a place that is famous for giving free drinks so i there's i'd say that's the only like character thing i've had recently i don't know if you've heard that story but look i know i'm not cool i'm already aware that's what i thought this was i thought that you like the opposite of icarus yeah very far from the son of cool and heard this guy and we're like maybe i could be that maybe i could be that guy that guy's cool talk to me guy gavin he started he presented it as like do you ever see somebody

out in the wild and you think like oh that's a trait i'll never have but what he meant to say is don't you hate some people but i didn't hate him i just thought he's like a business guy in a tie he he would probably have someone you know wanting to know about an upcoming trade and i think in that environment talk to me is absolutely the thing to say it is fair i feel like talk to me should be reserved for like jack bauer like that's somebody who is trying to stop a terrorist attack and needs immediate information that's a good point you know i think talk to me always comes from a call you're expecting doesn't it yeah if if your uncle you haven't spoken to in three years just randomly rang and you would never be like talk to me it would never happen do you do you answer the phone differently for different things?

No. Yes. What are some different options? Yeah, I was going to say, and now you expand on that. Well, usually I answer hello. And if it's my Italian granddad, I make fun of him by saying, hello. What? I didn't really come across whatever you tried to do. What do you say? Hello okay i see i just that's

doing his voice yeah that's like a cute thing do you do the thing where you pretend that you're surprised by the person who called you even though there's caller id no no i do that all the time i'm never just like i'm never just like, I'm never just like, hey, person. You're giving him like a nice treat? I don't, I don't know. But everyone expects you to have looked at the phone. Yeah, I don't know.

Like, if somebody calls me, and I'll look at it, and I'll answer it, and I'll be like, hello? And then they'll be like, hey,

I'm, and I'll be like, ah, it's you! Every time. That's just what I do. I've never considered it. Why? Yeah, why yeah why well do you just say hey jeff like do you just what would you say you two okay do i say hey jeff no you two act out a call right now

jeff you're calling gavin all right you haven't picked up yet it's still ringing hello hey what's up it's jeff hey hey i'm coming over to swim in your pool you don't have up yet. It's still ringing. Hello? Hey, what's up? It's Jeff. Hey. Hey, I'm coming over to swim in your pool. You don't have to be there. That's what I do. Kind of. That's not what you described. Let me answer it like Andrew. Okay. Okay.

Hello? Hey, what's up? Are you okay? It's Jeff. What? What do you mean? Okay, this is my point. Jeff clarified who he was. He knows there's a call thing.

Yeah. That's what I guess what I actually meant. There's always a clarification of who's calling when I don't feel like it's needed. Well, that's not how I answer the phone. If I were to get a call from any of you, let's do it, or anybody rather. I answer

the phone the same way for everybody. Here. Gavin, you're calling Jeff. Yeah, call me. Ring, ring. Alright, I'm picking up. What's wrong? Hey, it's Gavin. What's wrong? Is everything okay? Are you quitting? You're not in the pool right now. That's what's wrong? Hey, it's Kevin. What's wrong? Is everything okay?

Are you quitting? You're not in the pool right now. That's what's wrong. Okay, that's fine. Because usually when somebody calls, there's something wrong and it's going to cost me money or time. Okay, so that's kind of what I was driving at. Jeff, like maybe you're the person

I should be talking to. When you have workers who have to come to your house or someone that you have to like talk to over the phone they're going to be doing work or whatever do you just say hello when you answer uh i will say uh i'll say uh hello this is jeff speaking okay that's okay that's what i was getting i answer the phone when i know that it's someone like that. I just say, this is Eric. That's what I was getting at. But I feel like maybe asking Andrew and Kev. When I run into those situations.

Okay. Call me as though you're a family member calling me without texting me first. Who's dead? Look at your caller id dumbass it's your cousin wilbur wait why would they be dead if they're on my cooler i said it's your cousin dumbass it's wilbur free your cousin you know me i'm in your phone under wilbur cool best cousin that's the worst phone call i've ever had in my life. I'm never calling you back. This is how you're my least favorite cousin. I didn't say anybody was...

What? Nobody's dead. It's your cousin Wilbur. I'm sorry. Let's do it again. Let's do it again. Who's dead? Everybody in your family.

You and I are the last ones left. It's a massacre. It's gruesome. It was terrible. All coincidence. Nothing connected. Everybody dropped dead within 24 hours. Complete happenstance.

It's chaos here. We don't know what to do. Get on a plane immediately, but maybe don't because you might die too. Anyway, hope you're doing well. Love you. Thinking about coming to america this summer i'll look you up okay bye that's how you hang up with that news did you consider the possibility that they were talking to somebody with the name talk to me because that really changes the tone that's interesting that could be their name they could just be like to me. Or the company he works for

is called Talk To Me. That's also another possibility. Oh. You know, isn't there a movie called Talk To Me that just came out as well? Maybe they're talking about the movie. Maybe they picked up

and the first thing was, what's the name of that movie that just came out? And they said, talk to me. I once worked for a production company called Love. And you'd call them and they'd be like, love that's pretty cool yeah hello love speaking of names i had this idea when i was playing video games last night i was thinking

it wouldn't it be funny to change your gamer tag to something really clever like if you change your gamer tag to like, hey Alexa, order butt cream, and then when you kill somebody in Call of Duty and they're like, oh, I just got killed by, hey Alexa, order butt cream. And then Alexa's like, ordering butt cream. Oh my god, shut up!

Alexa's over there. She heard me. Did you just get yourself? I think I just got myself. I can't hear her just say it, but she I just got myself. I think I just got myself. I can't hear her just say it, but she's talking right now. I think you might have a package at the door. Did you just... I mean, that's a real poop face, honestly.

What a situation. That... Did you just... But I think people should start approaching their gamer tags and their online monitors like that. You threw a ball in the air to take a swing at? You missed and it hit you in the face. What the fuck?

What just happened? But if I change my gamer tag to that, it might hit somebody else in the face too. At least we know it works. It works against you. You've created your own worst enemy, I think, potentially. What do you think is the go-to brand of butt cream that she'd go for?

I don't know. I'll have to ask her later. I'm not in the... I'll tell you tomorrow when it shows up. Is normal butt cream for on the outside of the butt or inside? That's a great question. I don't know. It probably depends on the problem, I'd assume.

All right, hold on. I'm going to Google butt cream. Butt cream. I assume there's a large variety of issues that butt cream can solve, whether it be rashes. Because my mind immediately goes to baby butt cream for the outside, but then I'm thinking of hemorrhoid cream, which I assume would be for the inside. The first result is this. I don't do... I'm nervous. Boudreaux's butt paste. I think it's for babies.

A baby strong? Yeah. Yeah. I feel like that's the origin story to Punch Out. Like the guy from Punch Out. Oh. This is for Gavin. Butt acne cream. That's for all your butt zits.

Made in the USA, baby! I mean, it's not ideal to have butt acne but I can't imagine I'd ever care you're not seeing your ass yeah but you want a presentable ass for your friends and partners and that is that why you don't have back

tattoos Jeff I have a few but because I can't see them yeah no the main reason I don't have a lot of back tattoos is because I feel like it's the biggest piece of real estate on your body. And if I'm going to get something, I want to fill it up. And if I'm going to fill it up, it should be with something that I'm going to be able to put up with for the rest of my life.

I just haven't found something that I care that much about yet. What about, hey, Alexa, order butt cream just left to right? You don't have an Alexa, do you? I don't. If you did right now, you'd have fucking... I don't. You'd have an USA... Egg on my face if I did.

I would have stepped right in that trap. Bellamy Lux butt acne cream would be on its way to you right now, so you can exfoliate, heal, and renew. There's a world in which we do a butt off, and it's just butt off. Maybe we all use a different brand of butt cream and then we compare results and see who to determine the best butt cream. We can just see if it makes us funnier, maybe,

and just try that. Yeah, just in case. Oh, like maybe instead of butt cream, we should just put Icy Hot on our butts? No. No. No, I feel like we've been there. No. I remember when it dripped into my ass crack

yeah i don't want to do that again that's a bad idea eric and nick my discord says new audio device detected uh should i switch or should i don't switch don't switch why would you switch don't i don't know i'm just asking i'm just clicking don't switch i don't know why i have a new audio device should i switch or should i don't switch i don't switch one two don't switch everyone loves one two don't switch it's a great game hey i gotta i gotta i need a gut check something with you guys real fast um i've been watching a lot of sloppy joes again like i had to take a little break after going there you know you just like gotta chill out for a bit but i'm back into it it's been phenomenal since i got back into it i have come up with like seven or eight new prompts that i think are fantastic i i was gonna

have gherky t uh update the thing i already reached out to him about that something else uh but uh then i got to thinking we're releasing those bingo cards in a couple months maybe we shouldn't change the list before we release the bingo cards can we're releasing those bingo cards in a couple months. Maybe we shouldn't change the list before we release the bingo cards. Can we not update the bingo cards? I think they're already off to the printer. We could just make a V2, couldn't we? Yeah, I'm just saying maybe after we release them, then I update the, I don't know.

What did you call the guy? Gerky T? Gerky T. GovCon? Govicon? His name is GovCon. Govicon? His name is Govicon? Govicon, yeah. But I called him the wrong thing like in six episodes ago,

and so I just decided I'm going to keep doing it. Okay. I think I've called him Gerky T and Gerky V. Yeah, he's the one who has the one and only Andrew Balaclava right now. Yes. I feel like the hype surrounding the Andrew Balaclava right now yes i feel like the hype surrounding the andrew balaclava is through the roof i've seen a lot of comment leavers saying they cannot wait to get to get their heads up one can i make a request of of all the comment leavers and regulation listeners uh who comprise the

potential list of uh balaclava purchasers please don't commit crimes in the balaclava yeah i agree please don't do not like let don't take this as an opportunity to start a life of crime or to knock over a bank or a gas station or any of that like don't do that that's the you don't use it for nefarious means please the whole reason behind the balaclava was that so i could wear a balaclava was so I could wear a balaclava but not intimidate people. Right. Exactly. Exactly. Let's not taint the spirit of the balaclava by making Andrew's face public at number one.

It's literally a balaclava for being nice. Yeah, there you go. Eric wrote that too. It's for being nice only. It's a nice balaclava for nice people who do nice things. It's the monstrosity is what it is. I mean, just being honest. what a nightmare that thing is i mean you were wondering what you would be like for future generations and they're gonna google you and it's gonna be people wearing your face that's true yeah oh god can uh speaking of nightmares can i share you guys the one thing in

my life that's not going great right now? Of course. I'm sorry you're having a nightmare. Everything else is awesome. I'm vibrating with happiness. We're making lots of good content. I'm real jazzed. It's going to be teeth or house.

Yeah, it's going to be teeth or house. You're right. It's one of those two. You want to roll the dice and tell me which one you think it is? House. I think it's house. So discovered recently,

I've been getting wasps in the house. I couldn't figure it out. The keep ended up in Millie's house. So discovered recently, I've been getting wasps in the house. I couldn't figure it out. The keep ended up in Millie's room. Went in the other day, looking at the window, realized that all of the windows on the south side of my house, which just gets blasted with sun, you know, my house is like 100 years old, and it's very old.

The sun is melting my windows and they're they're shrinking out of the frame so that there's about a half inch there's a like a half inch gap between the top of the window and the house now it's just like shrinking down like it's melted the like silicon seal or it's melting the glass out of the window no the, the glass isn't melting, but like the silicon seal or something. It's just like you can see it pooling up at the bottom and it's just it's just falling slowly. You're two summers away from owning a tiny home. Dude, it's just everything is going to shrink. Every time.

Get out before it gets too small. Before you're trapped. time... Get out before it gets too small. Before you're trapped. Every time I have a house problem, and then I have to spend a bunch of money, I then recover from the house problem, and right about the time my

savings and everything recovers, I get hit with a new problem that costs almost identical to what the last problem cost. Do you know how much it's costing to get five windows put into my house? That's a $13,000 problem right there,

my friend. And and you don't get them for three months. So right around the time that the heat stops, I'll finally be able to plug the holes in Millie's room. Although I have stuffed it with insulating foam and I caulked it. the guy gave me instructions on how to cover it up so

there's no longer pure fucking sun and heat and wasps blasting in but god damn it man so is it like a fridge from where they're non-standard size or is that just how much windows are uh it's a couple things i'm not buying vinyl windows i'm buying from the same company that put the windows in the rest of my house, which I didn't. They were there before I got here. So they're like two-paned, and they have argon inside the glass

that's rated for like 20 years. And it's just to help severely, or it's helped to tremendously lower the temperature. With argon? Yeah, it helps, I guess um insulate and uh the dual pane thing and it like helps with the sound so that it'll actually it's actually gonna help with a lot of problems we have uh with it being too hot on that side of the house uh because the ac can't can't get all the way over there because i don't have a i don't have a i don't have an attic what

if you just put on shutters yeah that might be cheaper than the windows but i'd still have the holes in the wall that's true to deal with and they're still and it's still falling like it's getting worse um anyway so i got i got that to deal with but i remain i remain positive but the fridge is still good and fridge is good yeah toilet is awesome you don't need me to send you new windows in the meantime dude the toilet is better than ever i god damn dude i have got i have got toilet time dialed in between the toto and the sunglasses i it's it's i've really got it down to a a quite pleasurable science do you ass blast before a wipe or do you wipe first and then blast your ass?

Excuse me? Do I wipe before I shit? No. No, no. The bidet. You're the runway. Oh. No. You gotta start wiping before you shit. It's like curving.

I'm just priming. No, no. I blast after. I'm not. You blast after what'm not I'm not yeah I'm not you blast after what after I shit I'm still asking what are you asking what he's asking Jeff is if you've encountered anyone recently in the toilet that has a very specific set of traits

that you wish they didn't have yeah this the people that ask these questions uh no you asked if I blast my ass with water before I poop. Is that what you're saying? Forget it. It sounds like Gavin likes to get a river going to help with the process. I take poop medicine, so everything comes out real easily.

I don't need the additional lubricant. Gavin, if it you i know exactly what you're asking this is just way better well why don't you ask did i ask it wrong well did i say the wrong thing hey uh do you wipe before you use your bidet or do you use your bidet before you wipe oh i i no i don't wipe before i use my bidet hey man do you blast off before you shit and fuck or whatever? What's going on? What an insane way to... That's how bidet people talk to

each other. Talk about blasting their ass. I poop and then I bidet and then I wipe. I'm pretty sure that's the preferred way to do it. I'm not trying to reinvent the shitting paradigm or anything in my bathroom i'm just trying to have an enjoyable experience when i've used a bidet i have always gone for a courtesy wipe first just so i don't get any uh

dirty splashage oh i don't i've never had a problem with dirty splashage. Splashage. Splashage. I've never had that problem. Well, maybe you don't know because you can't see it with the shades on. That is a possibility. All right, I'm going to take... Next time I shit, I'm going to do it without sunglasses.

So your new podcast is called Dirty Splashage, right, Jack? Splashage. Andrew, do you think Eric will be as excited for our podcasts as he is for Jeff's no yes I'm excited about your podcast what is I can't wait my mind's cool yeah in it I thought yours was called Toad in the Hole. Oh, yeah. We're just getting so all right off the ground

and people are going to start calling it Yeah, In It. If I ever have you on as a guest, Gavin, that'll be the Yeah, In It episodes. Oh, sweet. Yeah. Good to know. That was a fun ep. That was a loopy towards the end a little loopy Should we should we knock it off and do it again? Yeah?

We got yeah, are we gonna give Andrew ten minutes of downtime or whatever? No, why don't you just try and research as much about potatoes as you can in ten minutes? No, okay roll right into it. Not even one potato factor. Oh, you know what? Oh, sure. I'll get you a potato factor next time. How about this?

How about this? Between now and the next episode, everybody, and I'm including you, Eric and Nick as well, everybody look up one potato fact and then we'll all recite them at the beginning of the new episode

and we'll see if we have different facts or the same facts. If any two people have the same fact, they both lose. Oh. Okay. Okay. No points. Okay. beginning of the new episode and we'll see if we have different facts or the same fact if any two people have the same fact they both lose oh okay okay no points okay this is how you tease a podcast tune in next time to hear us all battle with potato facts yeah isn't it hey it's gonna be gold yukon gold. Bye-bye. Hey, guys. Major League Fan Jack here with a look at next week's episode of F*** Face.

Are food shaped like things better? Dino nuggets are the best nuggets. What is a potato smile? Jeff brings up Gus's obsessions. And once again, Andrew does not eat the pencil. All that and more on next week's episode of F*** Face.