F**kface - Gavin Was Late (on time) // Is a Bag a Container? [19]

Episode Date: October 7, 2020

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about foods that Andrew has never tried, Gavin's new head dent, do it for Nick, and more. Buy the red F**k hat shirt: http://bit.ly/RedFshirt. Sponsored by Tushy. Go to http://hellotushy.com/face for 10% off! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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We're all here 10 minutes before we're supposed to be because we all thought the same thing. I was so convinced that you were going to be here and go, I thought you were 10 minutes before we're supposed to be because we all thought the same thing i was so convinced that you were gonna be here and go i thought you were 10 minutes early to everything when i said get here 10 minutes early that means it was on time so if you're really 10 minutes early to everything you would have been 10 minutes early to the 10 minutes early so i just fucking got here 30 minutes early to be safe well i'm already rolling we don't have to start but i've already begun so yeah i I'm rolling too. We just finished Face Jam, so I'm coming down off a food coma.

What did you guys eat today? Wendy's has the pretzel pub bacon cheeseburger and pretzel pub chicken sandwich. And it is a lot. It's a lot of food. And I have a headache. I don't feel very good. We also got Frostichinos. What's a Frostichino?

Is that like a frosty cappuccino? Like they put coffee and a frosty in one cup and then you drink it because you're a pig human. Now, yeah, yeah. Now, I don't want to give the impression that I don't listen to Face Jam. Oh, yeah. Obviously, I do religiously.

Right, of course, yeah. But for people who may be listening to face, who may not listen to our podcast face jam, and why would you? Andrew and I are not in it. But assuming that we're even starting this podcast, do you guys keep a record of your caloric intake per episode?

No. I think that would make us all feel like worse than we already feel. Yeah. Like there's no benefit to it. I think it'd be an interesting stat to keep. Well, the audience could do that if they really wanted. Because I imagine everything you just described to me, it sounded like 3,500 calories.

Yeah. We ate a whole cheeseburger. We ate a whole chicken sandwich. We ate small fries and a Frostichino, which is just a Frosty mixed with iced coffee. Like I legitimately have like a headache from, the sodium that I've eaten. Like, I don't feel good. I feel bad. Did you say a coffee mixed with an ice coffee?

No, I'm sorry. A coffee mixed with a Frosty. So is that just ice cream coffee? Yes. Okay. And then they gave it a fun name, and then we ordered it. What did you think of the chicken pub sandwich because i i had one myself oh did you oh i i'd be interested to hear your opinions which is good because i don't rate

the food on the show i just make sure they do uh i fucking loved it i thought it was really good i thought it was like i don't like pickles so i picked those pickles off but i liked everything else about it what is it you don't like about pickles? I like pickled things. I like pickled onions. I like pickled jalapenos and stuff like that. The pickles themselves are a weird in-between of like, this is briny and salty, but crunchy, but soft, but it's like there's two, it's not any specific kind of thing.

I just don't like the flavor at all. But I like cucumbers. I just don't like pickles. Okay. I But I like cucumbers. I just don't like pickles. Okay. I've never knowingly had a pickle in my life, so I avoid pickles. But I did accidentally bite into a pickle yesterday, biting into that sandwich. I might like pickles. I'm on the fence about it.

I don't know. I'm too scared to go further, but I think I might like pickles. I think they might be okay. This is how you learned? Yeah, because typically they only put two pickles on a thing like that, so I took the two pickles off. There was a third rogue pickle hidden underneath an

onion ring piece, bit into it. I thought, that's an unusual crunch. I don't recognize that crunch. Oh, there was a hidden third pickle. That wasn't that bad. Maybe I like pickles. So I don't know. I haven't decided yet. What did you do with the other half of the pickle i just took it off immediately what but i didn't mind it i thought it was okay wait okay i'm so confused i feel like this is very straightforward you took a bite of the sandwich it had a pickle on it you ate it you said oh that was okay i might like

pickles and then instead of taking another bite with the other half of the pickle you took it off even though you were okay with it yeah because I don't know if I like pickles or not I'm still on the fence does that not seem like the opportunity that you were looking for to test a theory you were on the cusp you were there yeah but I'm not that adventurous okay I need to mentally prepare myself for pickle day, and I was not ready for it. I was just there for the sandwich, classic sandwich. I took the pickle off because I was aware it was there. If I went whole pickle, this could be, I can be the biggest pickle guy in the planet if

I accidentally went full pickle yesterday, but we're still on the fence about it. You just described this as classic sandwich. on the fence about it. You just described this as classic sandwich. Jeff, the food that we are talking about has Munster cheese, beer cheese, onion rings. Like, what

are you talking about? Classic sandwich. Okay. Bog standard typical classic American sandwich. Everyone knows there's like a two pickle limit to a sandwich. What? If you're getting it from a fast food restaurant.

If you're getting it from a fast food restaurant. At home, totally different game. There's a two pickle cap that is typically there, unless you're having like the pickle burger and there's a million pickles. It's a two pickle average. So I didn't expect the third pickle. Hey, Jeff. Yeah.

Do you appreciate being dictated how many pickles are the average from a man who doesn't like pickles or maybe doesn't like pickles or picks the pickles off? As somebody who takes the pickles off constantly, I feel like I am a very qualified person to say this. I see it constantly. As somebody who's confused about is obviously confused about his pickle identity. No, I'm no offense, Andrew, but I don't think you get to be the arbiter of pickle placement. I'm not saying I've set the rules. I'm reporting back on what I've seen. It's typically two pickles.

Could be different in Canada, too. I don't know, man. You guys might have different. That's a good point. There might be a pickle law up there. There might be a pickle lobby. It's like a metric kind of thing. Yeah.

Yeah. There could be a conversion rate. That's yeah. McDonald's is totally different Canada Like it blew my mind that you guys Don't have muffins it's madness What One of my favorite McDonald's items my entire life

Has been their carrot muffin it's fantastic What the fuck I love the muffins carrot muffin is something you get At Starbucks no you get it from McDonald's Here they have like a whole bakery We got croissants. We got donuts. It's crazy.

They don't allow carrots in McDonald's. Oh yeah, they do. And they put them in muffins. What the hell? Jeff, look at this. I just put it in the, look at this thing. Hold on.

It's delicious. Is this for real? Yeah. Holy shit. I brought up casually to somebody and it never occurred to me that that was a Canada thing. They have a whole bakery. The Canadian McDonald's menu is way superior than the American menu.

McCafe. Man, McFuck America, apparently. Yeah. Jesus. I want a carrot muffin. Do you see their logo is the red box with the M, and then there's a little maple leaf in it? Yeah, I see that. That's real subtle, Canada.

Mm-hmm. Good muffins. If you're ever in Canada... Can I ask you a question? Yeah, go ahead. Are you guys known for your carrots? Is that a thing you grow in Canada? Is that like... It's like, yeah, it's like mousse and maple syrup and carrots. Everybody knows that.

That's a great question. I will say I've personally tried to grow carrots two times in my life, and it has never turned out. So I'm gonna say no just based on personal experience do canadians just love carrots to the point where they're like we need a carrot muffin i think you're really focused in on the fact we have carrot we have all types of muffins we got muffins all over the place there's like 10 different flavors of muffins we got croissants we got donuts we have all sorts of pastries yeah Yeah, in America, we have Dunkin' Donuts. No, I don't have that.

I got a McDonald's. We have a whole other store for that shit, dude. What about chicken balls? Has anyone here heard of a chicken ball? Oh, fuck. What? No, okay. Once again, it's another thing my whole life.

Chicken balls, go-to Chinese takeout item. And I was thinking about it of like, that's a really unappetizing name for a dish, chicken balls. And I brought up to someone, they had no idea what I was talking. Let's hear it. What's a chicken ball?

It's just like, it's like a chicken nugget, but it's a Chinese chicken nugget. It's a, it's the piece of chicken and it's circular and it's covered in batter. It's just a chicken nugget, essentially. Why is it called a Chinese chicken nugget? Well, I'm just saying it's a Chinese chicken nugget because it's called a chicken ball. It's not actually called a Chinese chicken nugget, essentially. Why is it called a Chinese chicken nugget? Well, I'm just saying it's a Chinese chicken nugget because it's called a chicken ball. It's not actually called a Chinese chicken

nugget. I mean, it's not Chinese at all. It's a Chinese restaurant item. I see. You don't just go to any restaurant and order chicken. Yeah, that is a classic chicken ball right there. And I guess it's because they kind of look like balls, which is also...

But not chicken, like chicken balls. Chickens do not have balls that look like that, I don't think. Do they not? I'm pretty confident. I mean, I've never checked, but I'm pretty sure. One thing we do know about chickens is that they don't excrete their urine

and their shit through their skin. That is true. We definitely know that. Roosters have testicles, two bean-shaped testes located against their backbone in the front of their kidneys. Okay, but they don't look like that. Roosters have testicles, two bean-shaped testes located against their backbone in the front of their kidneys. Okay, but they don't look like that. There's not a rooster. They're close.

Not in scale. There's no way. How's your average chicken ball taste? I mean, it tastes like an average. I mean, you've had lemon chicken, right? Yeah. And I'm assuming lemon chicken is just like the same type of batter, but it's just like flat and cut into pieces. It tastes like that, but it's circular.

Okay. Well, I tell you what, when we come up for the yearly bathtub race, we're going to eat chicken balls and carrot muffins in the bathtub while we race. That's going to be our race fuel. I like it. Can we try eggs too? I've never intentionally had an egg. I'm not an egg guy i fucking poisoned my girlfriend the other day with bad eggs i didn't even know that but that's see i've avoided that

my whole life it's not a worry for me i gave her food poisoning and she threw up like crazy yeah i make real good eggs andrew i'll make you some eggs oh it's great what type of eggs I'll make sure that they're not expired this time awesome no dude like she woke me up the other day it was like a Saturday morning she woke me up and she goes hey would you make me the scrambled eggs you always make uh I know that it's a Saturday morning and you're probably asleep but I'm just craving them and you know when a pretty blonde lady asks you to do anything uh you do. And so I got up and I just ran into the kitchen and I grabbed the eggs and I cooked them and I made like some beautiful scrambled eggs and I gave them to her and she ate them and she made a weird face. And then I thought, are they okay? And she goes, yeah, they're good.

They're good. And then like two hours later, she was a bathroom city and we checked and the eggs had been expired for a while. Oh, no. How much did she eat? I made her four eggs. Jesus. Did she eat all of it? I don't know. I didn't like check her plate, but I'm assuming she ate a good chunk of it. That's brave.

When you can taste something is off to go the entire way is quite the statement. Well, you know, I don't know. I think she trusted me a little too much. Unfortunately. First time I tried to make chicken Parmesan, I didn't know you had to cook the chicken in a pan first. I thought you just put it in an oven. And so I coated it and I put the cheese on it and then I threw it in an oven for like twenty five, thirty minutes until they like kind of look brown.

And I ate about half of a raw chicken breast oh and i i realized immediately this the texture in this just doesn't taste right but i made it about halfway before i decided to stop that's why i was interested to see if she ate the plate or not despite the weird taste yeah i think she probably ate most of it uh but uh hey is this is is this what this show is? No, no, no. This has been the face jam collaboration that everybody's been whining about on social media. There you go. You just had it.

You had some face and you had some face jam. Yeah. We talked about food and how it fucks you up. That works for me. Works for me, too. Totally unintentional. But I realized about five minutes in that this was headed. So, yeah, really, let's just embrace that and say that that was intentional.

And that's what that was. Should I try milk? What did you say? No, no, no, no, no. Milk is fucking gross, dude. Don't try milk. Okay. People try to tell you, how old are you?

26? Yes. Yeah. You're far too long in the tooth to worry about milk. Your bones are your bones. Your teeth are your teeth. Your hair is your hair. Milk ain't helping at this point, so don't

worry about it. It's fucking gross. The milk is a hair thing? I think so, right? Strong bones and a healthy smile and... Where does the bones come into the hair? I've never heard silky coat bones. Maybe I'm thinking of eggshells to a dog. I don't know, but it probably doesn't hurt your hair. What are

you talking about? If you feed a dog eggshells, it's supposed to give it a silky coat. How did my confession of I've never tried milk end up with you being the weird one? That was great. I didn't predict that at all. I went off on a tangent and that's where we ended up. The point being, I don't think you should try milk. Because here's the thing too.

What kind of milk are you going to try? It's gotten out of hand. Oh yeah, there's the 2%. When I was growing up you had two percent skim milk and whole milk and that was pretty much it but now there's like a one percent in there and then you've got like oat milk you've got soy milk you've got almond milk you've got fucking alpaca milk you've got eric milk i don't know point is where do you even go with it anymore you don't just get like don't bother but oat milk don't you think that's kind of using a term liberally there like milk like

isn't it just juice i don't know i've never had it and i don't know what the process is but i mean like that that's what it's like almond milk is like the same thing isn't it like you like you can't milk an almond you're not pulling on the almond other to get the milk i understand yeah i feel like i heard almond milk is like terrible for the environment. The amount of water you need to make almond milk, I feel like is absurd. Yeah, you're 100% correct. Almond milk is bad for the environment. And so I think soy milk is not great in large quantities for you.

So maybe I just go chocolate. Maybe is that like the kiddie pool of the milk game that how I get in? Just get my toes wet. Have you never had chocolate milk? No. I think it's overrated, but you should give it a shot at some point. Okay. What do you think, Eric?

I think chocolate milk is good and you can try it, but I don't think you're going to be blown. I think for you, it's not going to be chocolatey enough to warrant having the drink itself. Totally agree. I think you're just going to be like, well, this is just kind of like chocolate-esque drink. I'm not a big chocolate fan, so I don't know if that would phase me. I don't need a lot of chocolate.

That's kind of my deal too. Like, it just tastes like really, yeah, I don't know. I'm not crazy about chocolate milk. I will probably go the rest of my life and never have chocolate milk again. Yeah, and that's just fine. Totally fine. Nothing wrong with that.

Hey, can I go, I know that we're deep into the part two of Face Jam apparently already. Can I go off on a tangent, if y into the part two of Face Jam apparently already. Can I go? Can I go off on a tangent? If y'all don't mind, please go ahead. So this all just happened as I was getting here 30 minutes early to get here 10 minutes early. I was thinking about that bit they do in Curb Your Enthusiasm where Richard Lewis and Larry

always go out to lunch and Richard gets there early. He'll get there to the restaurant like an hour or two hours early. And I can't remember if it's to pay the bill or if it's to get the better table, like the better seat at the table. And it might be both at different seasons. But it got me thinking about Richard Lewis. And the first thing I think about when I think about richard lewis is how uh he looks kind of like a human skeleton and i'm not trying to be rude or mean richard lewis at all it's just like his face is like it's just like it's bony in a weird way and that got me thinking about how he and uh jamie lee curtis used to be in a sitcom together that i fucking loved when i was a kid called anything but love i don't know if any of you guys are familiar with that show or know what

i'm talking about. No clue. Nope. Okay. It was on for like three or four seasons. It was very much like Mad About You. It was, they were like on again, off again, like a romantic thing.

Bam. I found this. Here's a photo of them. I'm going to put it up in the Slack. Here's a photo of them from the show. The first thing you'll notice is that because it was the early 90s, I think it was like 89 to 93 or something, they have the exact same

hairstyle, which is fucking hilarious. Is this the podcast? Oh, hey, what's up? Yeah, hey, Gavin. Why'd you start without me? I'm not late. No, we're, you know, we Jeff was there. I showed up 10 minutes early as I usually do, and you know, we just figured we'd start. This is what I'm talking about with the early thing. Now I'm

gonna start feeling pressure not to arrive at like 3.50. It really turned into a whole thing. Bang on time, and I'm late. No, you're not late at all. I am late. You've already started. No, we were just here. So we started, but you're not late.

You're on time. You're actually early, technically. Weren't you like two minutes early? I was like maybe 90 seconds early, yeah, which is on time. Yeah, no, you were totally fine. Not today, I wasn't. No. What was funny, Gavin, is this kind of backfired in its own way.

I said over the weekend to Jeff and Eric, we should show up 10 minutes early and start the show 10 minutes early because of the whole conversation last week. Jeff showed up 20 or 30 minutes early because he thought that it was going to be a bit where he was then going to be late to the 10 minutes early version of the show. And I came into Jeff and Eric talking, and I also thought that I had then screwed myself and they had started before I got there because I was 10 minutes early. When did this actually start? 20 or 30 minutes ago.

We're 20 minutes in. To the episode? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Well, damn. Why am I even, should I even be on it? No, absolutely.

I've already missed half of it. Come on in. No. We're talking about Richard Lewis. So you see that picture of Richard Lewis and Jamie Lee Curtis. They have the same haircut, right? Which is hilarious in itself. But that's Richard Lewis that I think about as a kid.

And now below that is Richard Lewis today. And my point being, fucking age is unfair. He was a really like eight, 90s, good looking guy. And it hasn't been that long. Look at what just a few years has done to that poor man. Looking what he's putting his hair through, though, I feel like he did himself no favors. When you have excellent hair

in your youth, I feel like you're destroying it for later. Oh, it's the worst. Yeah. Lots of product. It's kind of long. It's like mullety. What year was the top photo from? 89 to 92, somewhere in there. That was a long fucking time ago. That wasn't... Not to me! That wasn't like five years. That was a long time. ago. That wasn't... Not to me. That wasn't like five years.

That was a long time. Look at Jamie Lee Curtis now. She still looks really good. Yeah, I mean, she looks the same old, though. No, I mean, they both have gray hair, but look at his face and skin. It's just also a bad photo, though. He's kind of like...

Yeah, you did pick a terrible Richard Lewis photo. That's the first photo that came up when I googled Richard Lewis. That's like him eating lunch. That's the first photo that came up when I googled Richard Lewis. That's like him eating lunch. That's his photo from Wikipedia. That's him eating lunch and someone walked in and went, Richard. Dude, it's his photo from Wikipedia. He doesn't put that on there.

Wikipedia is not him. All right, find me a good Richard Lewis photo now. Well, that's the challenge. I wasn't prepared for this. Can we call him? Do you have his number? Here, here's another one. This is him in a fucking tux. Okay, that's the challenge i wasn't prepared for this can we call him you have this number here here's another one this is him in a fucking tux okay that's yeah he is he how well this is gonna happen to us yeah gavin this is gonna be you tomorrow dude i got a horrible

tweet the other did i tell you about this so i tweeted about how i found a new dent in my head because it's like distracting me every time I walk past him. I'm like, why is this dent in my head? And I guess it's new because I keep noticing it. And I expected some funny, funny replies. And a lot of them were funny. They were like, oh, you got hit in the head with a moon ball. Lol, lol, lol.

Have you tried like... Yeah, I saw somebody said I did it, probably. Yeah, have you tried like holding your nose closed and blowing to pop it back out? That kind of thing, that's funny shit. Then this guy wrote, it's your frontal eminence growing. I guarantee if you wait, the hair directly above it along your hairline

will begin to die off and hairline recede. Not a joke, not making fun of you. It's just what's happening. It's natural. That's no fun. And that was such a downer because now I'm going to be looking at my frontal eminence Not a joke. Not making fun of you. It's just what's happening. It's natural. That's no fun. And that was such a downer. Because now I'm going to be looking at my frontal eminence every time I'm feeling old.

I don't even know what that is. Is it like head lumps? What is that? That can't be good. I don't think it's head lumps. Well, yeah, that's an interesting question. Why did the shifting cause baldness? I feel like that's almost a title. Like when it's like, oh, your royal highness. Oh, your frontal eminence. Yeah, it sounds very uh cultured yeah dude i'm sorry about your frontal eminence me too man i was just figuring maybe you were getting fat around that spot it'd be weird to put on weight

only in the forehead it's not really even if you put on 100 pounds i feel like there's not more fat under your forehead skin You get really embarrassed about having to change hat sizes Like a belt you're going up in rungs I mean if your head gets fat, it's gonna be mainly on the back like where your neck meets your back Oh where you get the rolls Yeah, the nice head rolls Yeah

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hellotushy.com slash face. Thank you for listening to this butthole service announcement. So what did I miss on the first half of F*** Face? Oh, we did a crossover. We did a F*** Face, Face Jam, F*** Face Jam crossover where we talked about McDonald's and Wendy's and pickles and chicken balls. Andrew's never had an egg. He's never had milk. It was a whole thing.

Never had an egg. No. Gavin, It was a whole thing Never had an egg No I have a question Gavin Do they have muffins In McDonald's In England I don't I mean I don't know

Because I've I don't know if you know this About me with McDonald's I've only ever ordered A Big Mac And it's now such a long Streak in my life That I can't order

Anything else So I rarely look at the menu To be honest Okay No that's fair I'm not gonna argue about that Yeah I mean it's kinda Notice I mean you don't live there anymore But now it's. No, that's fair. I'm not going to argue about that. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of noticed.

I mean, you don't live there anymore. But now it's like there's a fucking bakery whenever I go into McDonald's. I mean, I would guess yes. I would guess they have all that breakfast stuff. There's no way that Canada is the only place that has a muffin. We don't have that shit in America, buddy. I know you don't. But are you talking about a muffin or a McMuffin?

Carrot muffin. A carrot muffin is one of my favorite McDonald's items. I don't think I've ever seen that. Huh. We have fruit. You get a bag of fruit. A bag of fruit? What do you mean by a bag of fruit? Bag of cut up apples and shit. But is it like in a container you mean? I've never seen a bag of

fruit. Oh, I mean a bag is a container. A container is not a bag. It contains the fruit. It's like a net is a container. Anything that contains fruit. It's like a net is a container. Anything that contains... No. It's a container. There's no way that a container is a bag.

Nobody buys dole bags or like cut up like fruit bags. It's not like when I think a bag, I think of like bag of milk in a bag. Like it's a real bag. Container is not a bag. So to you, a container has to have no holes and has to be a solid. It has to have a lid. A bag doesn't have a lid. It has to have a lid. I think a container must have a lid.

A ziplock is a lid. A ziplock isn't a lid. It's a lock. A bag with a... It's a seal. A lock to a bag is a lid to a box. I don't... you just threw a lot of words at me that I don't know how to untangle and I don't want to trip myself up, But a Ziploc is not a container.

That's a seal. That's not a lid. What are you doing to the contents? What is the purpose? It's just two different types of storage. But what is it doing, though? What is the bag doing, Andrew? They're both protecting the items on the inside, but they're just two different ways to do it.

A beanie isn't a fucking hat. Those are two different things that serve the same purpose. A beanie is a hat. Yeah. No, it's not. A beanie is like a... A beanie is a... A beanie is't a fucking hat. Those are two different things that serve the same purpose. A beanie is a hat. Yeah. No, it's not. A beanie is like a beanie is a beanie is not a hat. Nobody looks at a beanie and says that's a hat. It's literally a hat.

No, it's not. A hat is a hat. Andrew, I think you've got a very, very compelling argument here with container versus bag. But you are way off base on the hat. You're making bad analogies here. I think steer back towards you're doing really well. I'm very entertained. I don't know which side. I honestly, I don't know which side I land on. Is it a container, a bag or not? But you're just digging yourself a grave with the beanie hat thing. It's like, that doesn't help.

I disagree. I think a hat is a hat and a beanie is a beanie i don't think you need that to prove your point what's a top hat a top hat is is a hat what's a bowler bowler is a hat what's a fedora that's a hat i think anything with like a brim what's a beanie a beanie is a beanie you're a fool andrew you list i listed four hats you said three of them were hats and then said the other one wasn't what are you on about because they all have brims. They all have brims where there's like a hard part. There's a structure. A beanie is just like a piece of fabric. It's not a hat. You don't

need a brim to be a hat though. I feel like you kind of do. What about a welder's hat? A welder's hat? Well, that's not a hat. That's protective gear. What about a brimmed beanie? Says Eric. A brimmed beanie is just confused. What about a thing called a welder's hat? Oh, the welder's hat's

not a hat. It's called a hat, but it's not a hat. It's a hat. What's a hard hat? Well, that's a hat. Why? Because it's got a... It's not a beanie. Seems to me like a beanie is nothing more than a soft hat. What is a welder's hat?

What do you even mean by... Like, I looked up welder's hat. I'm not seeing... I've heard of a welder's hat i what do you even mean by like i looked up welder's hat i'm not seeing i've i've heard of a welder's mask do you yeah protect i mean it's mainly a mask it's not really a hat did you mean mask no no no dumbass no hold on oh nick asks is a fez a hat i don't know what if yes what is a fez what do you mean you don't know what a fez is is a fez oh no i know what a fez is i know the guy from the mummy had- Yes. What is a fez? What do you mean you don't know what a fez is? Is it a fez? Oh no, I know what a fez is. I know the guy from The Mummy had the fe- You know, uh, a fez is a fez. A fez is not a hat. I don't think you- I think a hat is clothing for your head. I think that's what a hat is. That's too broad. I think a hat is a hat, and a fez is a fez. I think you know what a hat is.

Okay, well, you might be right, actually. I don't think a turban is a hat. No, it's definitely not a hat. That- Lincoln Electric, that what a hat is. Well, you might be right, actually. I don't think a turban is a hat. No, it's definitely not a hat. That Lincoln Electric, that's a welder's hat. Why wouldn't it be a part of the mosque? I don't know. It's just a hat. It's what welders wear, probably.

I don't know why I'm not a welder. I thought the welder thing covered your full head. Maybe it's to create separation between your head and the thing. Probably to soak up heat, too, because it's hot as dicks in there. I just don't think a beanie is a hat, and I certainly don't think that a cup is a bag. We could Google it. Is a beanie... Look up fruit bag and tell me if you find a single cup. You're not going to.

You're going to find mesh is what you're going to find. A fruit bag? Yeah. Well, that's how this all started. You said they sell bags of fruit, and I was very confused by that. Oh, here's another one. Hold on.

Look at this. Wait a second. Wait a second. What have you got? McDonald's actually sells fruit bags, but it is not a container. Wait. Post a picture of the fruit bag?

Okay. I'm going to be Jeff. It's going to take me 20 minutes to save this photo and get it there, but it's coming. Fruit bags exist, but they're not containers. What if you search for Richard Lewis hot?

I don't... I mean, somebody has to be into Richard Lewis. Well, I'm into Richard Lewis. I think the guy's hilarious. I think he's very talented. No, yeah, I think he's funny, too, but I'm saying you're talking purely visual. That's a rough one, Eric. That's a rough Richard Lewis photo.

He looks... I sent that. What do you mean you sent that? Sorry, I was looking at fruit bags. That's a rough Richard Lewis photo. He looks... I sent that. What do you mean you said that? Sorry, I was looking at fruit bags. Did I miss a Richard Lewis? No, I just sent that Richard Lewis photo. Oh, I didn't see. It's just Eric's photo, so I assumed he did.

Gavin, do you see what happens when you're late? This is the episode. This is the whole episode. This is a mess. What did you do? This is no good. I feel like I don't know what's been talked about I'm really intrigued by the egg thing, but I don't want to talk about it because I assume it's been talked about

You should listen to face it will recover really quickly at the beginning. We got fruit bag and I've got a question here is a beanie considered a hat why or why not the answer is what is motivating this question? That's a bag of fruit, Andrew. What are you telling- Yeah, no, it absolutely is. I agree. It's like a fruit container. Yeah.

No, it's not a fruit container. That is a fruit- It's containing multiple pieces of fruit, and it's containing them all together. I've never seen a fruit bag. I said, do you mean they literally have them in a bag? And you said, no, they're in a container. And that's how this all started. I accept that they're fruit bags. I said, do you mean they literally have them in a bag? And you said, no, they're in a container. And that's how this all started. I accept that they're fruit bags. I've never seen one. I literally described it as

a fruit bag. I said bag of fruit, Andrew. I said, did you mean container? And you said yes, which is what caused this whole thing of a container is definitely not a bag. I think we can all agree on that. I don't know. I don't know if you're right. A bag can contain fruit. Well, objective one for a container, it contains the item. And that's what this bag is doing here. I feel like if you're right a bag can contain fruit well objective one for a container it contains the item

and that's what this bag is doing here i feel like if you ask a hundred people is this a container nobody says yes out of a whole you think a hundred for a hundred i think a hundred for a hundred i don't think anyone that's ludicrous you've got a discord right put up a poll or something how about this if we need to do that and if you lose you got to go full pickle i want to see you go to a gas station i want to see you buy i want to see you buy a pickle in a pickle bag a big ass honking giant dill pickle the size of like a porn star's cock and i want to see you rip that bag with all that pickle juice and eat that whole fucking deep throat it and eat that pickle have you never had a pickle gavin what you missed earlier is that andrew's also never had a pickle that's fair what you missed earlier is that Andrew's also never had a pickle.

That's fair. Not intentionally. I feel like maybe, Eric, we should do a live recording Twitter poll, like we sometimes do, and see if anyone thinks a bag is a container. No, no, don't do it that way. Don't word it in container or bag. How would you like it worded? I'm trying to fucking explain it, Gavin.

You cut me off in my explanation. Just post the photo and say what is this and we'll see what they say you want it to just say what is this yes i do because if you say container bag some people be like oh everyone's going bag i'm gonna be wacky container guy i don't want to that's not gonna tell us anything that's you know it will you just want the question to be what is this i do because if you give them a or b some will just pick container because they want to be goofy and original okay what if you just say what is a bag no well that's really confusing like are we going deep like what is the spiritual me what is something spiritual about a bag?

I mean if you want to get serious about any topic, you could go deep. Like what is a bag? What does it mean? What is the metaphor of a bag? Uh... I'm not expecting you to have an answer, I'm just saying someone would go that way. So I think you just take the photo, I'm even fine if we remove the bag part of the package, and ask what is this? Wait, hang on. So you want me to post a picture, but remove the bag,

which is what we are arguing about, if it's a container or not. And you just want that posted and have it say, what is this? People will just say apples. That is a problem. You're right. I'm not going to argue it. But the issue is nobody's gonna say container. Well, they also it's gonna- they're gonna say bag because it says bag on the fucking- That's my point. That's why I said you can cover that if you want. I'm fine with that.

But nobody would say container unless you assist them with the word container. What if you post a picture of a bunch of apple slices and you say how can these be contained? What? What? That's no good. That's way more complicated. I'll do this right now. I'll post on Twitter. I'll upload a photo of this item I won't even try to sway people. You are gonna word this in such a lopsided biased way. It's gonna be infuriating.

How is just saying what is this infuriating or lopsided biased way it's gonna be infuriating how is just saying what is this infuriating or lopsided because no one's gonna write container exactly right but that's not what you're asking them if you asked is a bag a container we would have some actual information to go off some people would say no some people say yes but i'm saying if a hundred people reply there will be several people who say yes there will be people but I don't think anyone actually feels that way I think people if you give them the option of container will pick it because they see everyone else going bad I don't think those will be real answers I think if you just post the photo you don't trust the audience no I don't trust

people no absolutely not I've witnessed two different cults Jeff I have zero trust for this bit says Says a lot about you. You're probably at your worst point with the audience, though, because you're deep, like, in terms of what's come out, you're deep in, like, ruining the court case right now. Tomorrow's the court case, right? We're recording this on a Tuesday. So tomorrow that comes out, woo!

Oh, boy. Are you worried? No, I'm not worried. I think people generally understand it's a joke. I think there's a percentage that definitely don't, but I think the ones that do will enjoy it. Oh, man. I'm certainly going to enjoy it.

Wouldn't it be apropos, and I'm not saying we should do this, but maybe we should do this, where since Eric and I showed up 30 minutes early, we should get to leave 10 minutes early. And then Andrew should have to leave 10 minutes after that. And then Gavin has to do the last 10 minutes by himself since he showed up late.

So it's like a split timeline episode? Otherwise, we're all working way harder than you. I'm okay with this. I mean, I wasn't trying to work less hard. You just made that happen yourself. It's, I, yeah. By caring so much about our job, we got here early. Early isn't good. I'm telling you, it's not good yeah by caring so much about our job we got here early early isn't good i'm telling you it's not good early is good but jeff said it in a way that was like kind it was this

is like a joke bit against you it wasn't from the kindness of our hearts to be this early that kind of flipped against us in our own way but i'm okay with uh i mean i don't want it to be a nightmare for nick i'm happy to uh yeah that it wouldn't be fair to nick that's that's a good point we had to stick around for nick. Do it for Nick. That's what we say. Okay, the tweet is out. What's your issue with eggs? I just have never had them, so I've never had them. Once again, I'm sure I've had them

accidentally in another dish. Thanks for that explanation. Yeah, I mean what do you want from me? We're deep in a bag container thing. Fruit bag, not a pencil. I don't think this is going to be a useful tool to uh to get an answer for this if i send you a bag of eggs will you eat them no no i wouldn't i'll cook them for you i just thought i can't find eggs i can easily go buy eggs it's just i've

never had them there's so many different ways to prepare eggs too and they all taste different i wonder if you yeah like you might find oh what kind of eggs does Andrew like? Like a fried egg and a scrambled egg is night and day. I feel like a scrambled egg would be real good. Or like a poached egg, for instance. Like a poached egg's totally different world. Soft-boiled, hard-boiled. Deviled, scotch. Sunny side up, over easy, over medium, over hard, runny.

What kind of eggs? When you could go for balut. I think I'd go scrambled. Feels like a safe comfort type egg food. I think I'd go scramble. Feels like a safe comfort type egg food. I think I'd start with scramble. Egg sandwich. Where did the corn thing end up? Corn.

Oh, I think they ate like 12 cobs. I guess we should describe that to somebody. A moderator on the f*** face discord was convinced they could eat 50 corns a cob, corn on the cobs in 24 hours. Is it corn on the cobs or corns on the cob? It's corn on the cobs It's corn on the cobs

It's so tricky It'll stumble you They tried hard But it's too much corn I feel like that'd be easier than burgers though No you're absurd A burger has a lot of density A corn is like the inside is empty

is that what you meant by it flattens easier when we're talking about this you said it flattens better and i already called you absurd and i didn't even know what that meant so i just i didn't want to repeat it but yeah i said i said corn flattens easier and corn is smaller than burger i mean once again you're right but that makes no difference they're different foods corn has a lot of liquid in it that adds up you got more sugar in corn i assume well maybe not doesn't digest great either no it's a real bad well that was the that's where it devolved into right was like could you create a corn on the cob with a turd if all you ate was corn there wouldn't be anything to sort of stick them together in logs. I was worried they'd come out like birdshot and just blast like a sawn off. Yeah, it didn't go well.

I wouldn't recommend it. I like that's one I don't think I could ever see. Did you get any detailed information on what the bathroom was like the next day? No. Can you go back and ask? Because I think that would be probably the most useful information. If you said they did 13 corn on the cobs? 13, 14, I'd say.

In 12 hours? In 24. That's, oh my god, that's not even trying. No. That's a cob every two hours. No, listen. Are they eating the cob too? No, but they did hit a problem where their gum started to bleed

because of the cobs. So just... You gotta scrape it off into a bowl or something. Don't be biting them off the cob. Yeah, scrape it off into a bowl Don't be biting them off the cob Yeah scrape it off They went to the scrape off by the time Their gums were bleeding Yeah it's rough

You don't want to put your teeth through that No absolutely not They tried very hard Once your gums start bleeding It's an understandable point to stop When trying to eat that much corn You should definitely consult a dentist first. I also heard from Eric, Andrew, that you may have had some sort of financial calamity.

Oh boy. Before, okay, we can talk about that. But I want to pivot for a second, because we were talking about the court case that happened last week. It didn't happen. No, it did happen. You guys won the case, so I don't know why you're saying it didn't happen well no it did it did happen you guys won the case So I don't know why you're saying it didn't happen you won Oh, you're sorry you're talking about the one where we got the judge and you actually we all showed up to you

He's like about the verdict not the okay. Well the verdict is clearly part of the trial You can't have a verdict with no trial You had a trial without anyone else there at all so what you talking about? Why are you arguing about something you want? This is such a bizarre thing. You won the thing. Why is this a debate? Because we didn't have the trial last week. You definitely had the trial definitely happened and you won the verdict.

OK, but I wasn't so sure about them. So I did some research and I looked it up. I went on their website. Oh, boy. And you can when you go on their site, it's just one page. It's really it's a simple website on the left it says do you need a judge and on the right it says do you want to apply to be a judge either request a judge or you can apply you're not a judge now are you so i applied and i'm

absolutely a judge i gave myself an a I gave myself an A in every category Let me drop this down real quick. I'd be honorable. What's more honorable than a judge the honorable judge Andrew Pantin I've been accepted onto higher judge calm. I'm a judge. You're not you haven't got any qualifications Thank you so much for signing up with us. We hope that this experience is awesome. What is this site? I'm so no, I'm very qualified as an honorable man signing up with us we hope that this experience is awesome what is this site i'm sort of oh no i'm very qualified as an honorable man i think that's kind of the first basis you need to get into the door this is just an email confirmation for signing up this isn't hey you're a judge now no that's that's what you like there's a bunch of steps and i've gone through the steps i am a i'm

a judge on their site i'm a functioning judge you're not a judge i am absolutely a judge i'm on hiredjudge.com i don't know how you could deny that so what cases have you presided over? Oh, no, I'm still you know I'm still looking I'm still looking for a good case to rule on but I'm on the I'm in the field I'm seeing what's out there. I'm in a position. We've got to be so careful with what we do around this guy Yeah, we do. We'd never think anything through now Now he's a judge. This is a nightmare for us. I'm assuming any other roosterteeth dispute, I'll have a seat at the table. I'll be

weighing in. So this is, I think, a good position to be in going forward. Once again, you don't have any legal training. I've seen a few episodes of Law & Order, and although that's not a judge show, they certainly go to court in that show. Is that a judge show?

Maybe I haven't seen. Have I seen SVU? Law & Order has a police part and then a judge part. You see, it's like chocolate and vanilla ice cream. You get both sides. So are you the Honorable Andrew Penton? I'm the Honorable Andrew Penton,

as I always have been. Esquire. Exactly. Anyone want to talk about me having a long weekend, a financially disastrous weekend? We can do that. I just wanted to make sure that I got the higher judge thing. Well, before we, because fucking Mr. No Fun Bedore over here

is telling us we're at 45 minutes. Well, I'm at like 25. Do you have anything you wanted to cover today, Gavin, since you've had less time? No. Just know that I'll be extremely early for the next recording. Can't wait to see you there. We'll start with you.

Yep. Andrew, so you have your poverty stricken weekend. I had something I wanted to talk about, but I can definitely wait till next week. I also had a note in my fucking phone because I keep notes and I went to look at today for the notes. Do you have bog roll folders? We just talked about that last week, right? So here's what the note I fucking found. Ah, shit. How do I find it? Where did it

go? Wait, you brought this up without having the note ready? No, I did have it ready. And then I hit a button and... Andrew, every time you play audio, you play it twice. So let Jeff have his not preparedness. I've played audio twice once. Twice once? It happened once. My note was, it took me a second to find my email. It says, talk about bike trip when. Okay. When what?

I don't know. What am I supposed to get from that? Why would I write that? Talk about bike trip when? Something obviously happened to me on a bike trip. Here's the problem. I ride my bike every goddamn day. And I wrote to me on a bike trip. Here's the problem. I ride my bike every goddamn day. And I wrote the

note on September 15th. So how the fuck am I supposed to know what that meant? I feel like everything after when would have been the important part. That would have been the bits of right. I know! And I sent myself that email. And I kept it bold because I wanted to remember it. And it must have meant something to me

eight days ago. I just... You sent me a fart. Fucking hate myself. Did you fart on a bike? Oh my God, I had a good fart. Should we play that one? Yeah, play it. Do you have it? Do you have it? Why would he have it? I've been prolific with the farting. He sent me

this on Friday. The caption just said, it smells so bad. Taco Bell drive-thru. I did it while Emily was ordering so the Taco Bell dude heard it. I got Millie on her birthday the other day.

That was a really good one too. The idea of labeling these has just changed my life. Oh, here's one. Here's one called Fartbeat. Isn't her birthday tomorrow? Yeah, but I don't have her this week, so we celebrate it over the weekend. Check this out.

It sounded like a heartbeat. If you loop that, that's my heart beating. We should loop that. We should put up an EKG monitor. And then let me find the one that

Millie... Oh my god. She said it was a question fart. Oh, here the one that Millie... Oh, my God. She said it was a question fart. Oh, here we go. Millie's birthday. Oh, my God. I didn't want you to try to eat cake. Anyway, those are my fart recordings. Andrew, tell us why you're poor.

Well, no, I'm not poor. Secondly, is there no bike story? I don't know what it is. My point was I made the fucking note, and then I thought, uh, oh, this is funny, because we just had that conversation last week about bog roll holders or whatever, and I have no fucking clue. I f***ed face to myself.

Okay, so what does the actual note say? It said, uh, talk about bike story when. I feel like we could predict maybe what it is. Talk about bike story when the weather was bad. The weather's been bad a lot could this be a part two to your ghost could it be a ghost story again when the man passed me is it any of these no when my butt was itchy no i already told the bike story when i fell over so it wouldn't have been that i have another point of you writing which i find i always think this is really

interesting to seeing how our brains work differently for labeling. Okay. So we upload our audio into a drive folder, and none of us do it the same way exactly. There's always a slight difference. Like, I label mine DrewFF18. Gavin writes his FF18Gav. Eric writes F***Face18Eric. Jeff, no spaces at all. And I'm also just curious about the naming of this one. F***face16, you're two episodes off.

You're two episodes in the past. Then you write Jeff, and then it's ha-ha. F***face16Jeff, ha-ha. Were you trying to write a message to somebody else or react to something? I don't know, dude. I just write whatever I'm feeling in the moment. Also, by the way, I just realized we never started.

Welcome to F*** Face Podcast Episode 16. You didn't even do an intro? My name is Jeff Ramsey. With me is Gavin Free and Andrew Panton. What the damn? You're joining us about 90% of the way through it, but this is the 16th episode of our podcast. How are they joining us now?

What's going to make them be like, Oh, I can sense that the intro is 50 minutes in. We really don't need an intro. Well, we didn't get one this week. I totally, we f*** faced our intro by bunny hopping who could get here the earliest. What episode did you say that this was? 16. Every episode of f*** faces 16 to me. I've decided. You're making this more complicated for all of us. I got news for you. This f*** face file is, I named it 17.

Then I said, oh wait, no, this is 16. And I renamed it 16. Can you restart at 20? This has gone, I mean, I was saying last week that can you imagine if that was the first episode? Like, cause it's gone so off the rails. What is this damn podcast going to be like episode 80? Like, what is that going to sound like?

Will it even be an audible product? Well, first off, it'll sound like me saying, welcome to face 16. I'll be an audible product well first off it'll sound like me saying welcome to face 16 I'll be an actual judge Andrew will have been disbarred and and then found a way to get himself rebarred I'd like to be knighted so I can get that done that'd be a good goal by episode 80 I don't think I can't can people from the Commonwealth not be knighted I think you have to be born in Europe, right? I mean, Europe is a big place.

I don't think it's... I know. I think the restrictions are tighter. I just don't want to... Like, I don't know what they are, but I certainly don't think you could be born in Canada or America. I think you get honorary knighthoods. Doesn't count.

There's got to be something under knighthood that's close you could get though like obe if that's a thing that just sounds like a i don't like that i think it's of the british empire so you get like letters after your name yeah wait let me look up obe it's probably not that i was looked into like i thought it would be funny to have as many titles before your name is possible the most excellent order of the british empire that's kind of knighthood or bus for me. And I just, I don't think it's possible. I was thinking the other day, if I were ever to become a doctor, like a PhD, which I'm not going to do because I didn't go to college, or if I ever decided to go to med school and become a doctor, I would change my last name from Ramsey to dentist just to fuck with people

because then I'd be Dr. Dentist and people wouldn't know what to think. I feel like you're creating more problems for you than anyone else. What? Andrew, what's the name of this podcast? What do you mean? Obviously I would face myself with my name. Well, yeah, but I'm saying like, I don't think that impacts anyone else as much as it would impact you. Oh, it would be a nightmare to me because it would be funny exactly four times. And then I would be miserable for the next six or seven years. And I've changed my name before, uh, you know, the first time. And while I got a fucking awesome middle name out of it and cool new last name, it totally faced me for about a decade on legal shit. I still have to have my fucking name change documentation with me just in

case every time I do anything important. Buy a house? Who's Jeff Fink? Here we go again. I actually do get a sense of relief when I am filling out important paperwork. It's like any other aliases and you're just like, nah, that's nice. I wouldn't want to have to fill that field in. Dr. Dentist is good. I think Dr. Judge would be good too. Ooh, Dr. Judge.

That's interesting. Not as confusing, but just cool. I don't think Dr. Dentist is confusing, is my point. I fully encourage the idea. As you said, it's on brand for the show. Nobody has the last name Dentist. But I'm not phased by last names ever. What?

I'm never like, well, that's a crazy last name. Like, it never stuns me. I just don't know what you'd get out of it, is what I'm saying, outside of your own misery. The first time somebody said, are you a dentist? And I said, no, that's my last name, idiot. That's what I would get out of it. Okay. I mean, hey, if you get something out of that, I encourage it.

Yeah, that. So how are you going to resolve this bag container thing? No one tweeted. Are we just going to? No, I did. I guess I should check on it. You tweeted? Yeah, I tweeted it at the beginning of the show. Before I was there? No, after you were there. One tweet in the last hour. Let's see this.

Fruit bag. What is this? And you just posted the fruit bag picture. Yeah, I did it as I thought should be done. I'm not seeing any container, and I think that's the important thing. Someone called Josh wrote, I see a picture of something that doesn't matter until you eat a pencil. Okay, people are still pissed at you.

I don't think they're taking this seriously. Fruit bag. No, there's fresh and juicy fruit bag. Nobody is saying container. That's my point. Well, it's because you didn't ask. I did ask. I said, what is this?

What do you mean I didn't ask? That's like saying like, no one wrote that you should eat it with your hands. But it's like, you didn't ask that. Yeah, I disagree. Not a great example of Gavin's giving it. He is right. I disagree.

It's hard to support him. I think this is the most unbiased way to present the question. Jeff, help me out. Do a better analogy. It's a... What's a better analogy? It's hard. It's like posting a picture of Tom Martin.

Okay, we should end this podcast. A picture of Bussy and saying, what is this? And if people just say it's a guy in a hockey uniform, that would be correct. But it's also bussy. It's also a guy that was traded for a bus, but people might not know that, but it doesn't change the fact that it's not true. That was perfect, Jeff. It's not the first thing people

thought of. I was just looking at her Instagram while I was saying that. I was just looking at what I saw. I disagree. This is hard. Why don't you make that your first case as the Honorable Andrew Panton? I rule in favor of me. Easy.

No, you've got to be impartial. I am impartial. I could be Judge Gavel. That's a good name. You know what? How about this? How about this? It's like if you post a picture of it, I have a Diet Pepsi in my hand.

I have a Diet Pepsi in my hand. So I'm looking at this Diet Pepsi and I'm thinking, if I post a picture of a Diet Pepsi in my hand. I have a Diet Pepsi in my hand. So I'm looking at this Diet Pepsi and I'm thinking, if I post a picture of a Diet Pepsi and it just says, what is this? A hundred people might say it's a Diet Pepsi. Maybe nobody says it's an aluminum can, but it still is an aluminum can. That's right. My point was nobody's ever going to say container.

And I feel like this proves that. But a can is a container. What? It's a can-tainer. Yeah, I yeah i think you know i think you might be right i think a can might be a container but i don't nobody's gonna call it that is a can a bag a can is definitely not a bag is is it a hard bag a bag is a soft container you're right a bag is a soft container oh well i'm glad this was a short one for me. That was, it wasn't really.

It was still 40 minutes. Yeah, we keep going longer and longer. I mean, you keep, Derek yells you for making the end too long. So this week you just made the beginning long. Oh man, that's a good point. Andrew, I still, fuck, we're so late. I guess we can't do it. But tell us why you're poor next week.

I want to know. No, yeah, we'll do it next week. And I want to talk to you guys about a neighborhood and whether the neighborhood is a f***face or not. When are we starting next week? Probably on time. It'd be really funny if we were late. I don't like all of the content that surrounds the content

that isn't in the content. It's inconvenient. It's annoying. The audience is not a part of it. I'm having a a good time i guess it is kind of in this one so is that it then are we done i think so i think we're good hey uh special thanks to andrew for showing up a little bit early today and for eric for showing up even earlier i appreciate your diligence and your dedication to the craft anytime Anytime, Jeff. You guys are the best.

Some of you guys are the best. Thanks for listening to the podcast. You've got to say that you still haven't said any of the outro. Yeah. Why has it got to be me? Why don't you say it? Because you're the host.

Because you're the one who gets paid for making this. I don't get paid for making this any more than you guys do. Are we done with the show? I do it just to hang out with you guys. I don't make any money off this.

Are we done? Did Eric leave? Like and subscribe. Five stars. They left. They've got a separate ending one. Are you serious?

What is going on? Should we go in there and show chat? Is this from last week? Hello? Hey, what's up? Is it done now? Hey, we followed you

guys over here. Okay. Yeah. Anyway. So, uh, what? No, it's just a post show. That's the end of the show.

No, this is the end. Well, you gotta play us out. Thanks for listening. Rate five stars and subscribe. Tell everyone about F*** Face. Let us know. Follow us on Instagram at F*** Face Pod. Bye.

I can't believe we had to chase that guy down just to get the end of the show. Andrew's not in here anymore. He's back up. Hey, you still over here? Okay. All right. All right you still over here? Okay. All right. All right, everyone, end your recordings. We're done.