F**kface - Geoff's Bullet Points // Man Hands, Open Water [63]

Episode Date: August 11, 2021

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about Geoff's trip, a massage from a man, a cappuccino of puke, and GO NOW! Want to contribute to bits? Email what you can do to [e-mail] Sponsored by Hello Fresh (http://hellofresh.com/face14 and use code face14) and Honey (http://joinhoney.com/face) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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hellofresh.com slash face 14. This is a rooster teeth production is there any boy bands where the lead is the most talented i mean i think i would think in sync you think no no justin timberlake was not the lead and in sync He was the side guy. He was like I'm sorry What? You're out of your fucking mind, dude Yeah, I I don't think you lived through it like I had to are you or what do you think like JC Shazay? I'm not saying popularity. I'm saying that like the structure of the group. He was not captain of the team he was the all-star I don't know what's his name JC JC Chazé was not the lead in

NSYNC you're insane he was he was the captain of the team no absolutely no absolutely not every photo you see he's the captain he's the leading guy you don't think he has leading vibes he has leading vibes he's not the most talented he was the leader that doesn't have leading vibes i mean like he had like a solo career and where did that go terrible i'm so i'm saying i i just searched pictures of in sync and there are so many pictures where he is not the center guy but justin timberlake is you're out of your fucking first one i pulled up he's the center guy you're out you're out of your fucking mind he's not okay that one he's not maybe with time this change you're ridiculous this is just this might be episode 63 yeah all yours uh well where how do you follow that up you guys came in hot with the who was the lead of

in sync fight and i just stood back and let it happen because I got no dog in that hunt. Who was the lead of NSYNC, Gavin? Let me guess. Andrew was way off. Just a tidbit. Okay. Maybe I was. I thought the other guy was the lead.

I'll be honest. I don't know anyone else's name from that band. Okay. Although there's the other guy who, according to Andrew, is the head of NSYNC. Backstreet Boys were way bigger. Were they?

For a time. Definitely. No. Backstreet Boys were an international sensation. You don't think NSYNC was an international sensation? They both are. Not to the same extent. The coolest thing about the Backstreet Boys was getting an album from Burger King.

As a kid, I don't remember what the promotion was exactly, but you could get an album from a drive-thru at Burger King. It was fantastic. Did you get it? Of course I did. I gotta say, I'm gonna step back again, and I'm gonna defer to your expertise here, Gav, because I was never into NSYNC or Backstreet Boys.

I didn't have the posters on the wall like you. So I obviously, I think you're a card- card carrying member of both fan clubs i understand that you know uh those two entities better than i so uh yeah hats off to you sir oh thanks yeah uh big time fan of both what is this jc i'm just dropping it you do a google search of who is the lead didn't say it's the top thing that comes up i don't think i'm crazy in my take that jc was the lead of the band. Was Timberlake like backup?

Yeah, he was like a side player. He eventually became the lead. Hang on. Read what it says. Read that out loud. I'll read it out loud. Along with Justin, Jaycee Chazza is with the lead singer of N'Sync. I think the

Justin thing came later though. I think that with the lead singer of NSYNC. I think the Justin thing came later, though. I think that was the thing. He was so talented, became co-lead. I don't think he was always lead, based on some of the music videos and the photos. Why does it say I'm the only member of the band to achieve solo success? Exactly. Well, because that was accurate. That's just a fact that happened.

That's also accurate. But isn't that talking about Justin? Yeah. Well, the phrasing of that sentence is terrible then along with justin jc chazay was the lead singer of in sync oh yeah you're right that is a terribly written thing jc chazay is not the only one to achieve solo success in music how i can you say his last name a few more times i'm really enjoying it chazay's chazay's no yeah that's great that's great. That's great. Eric has said it for you about 10 times

in the last three minutes, but I like your pronunciation better. No, go ahead. You say it again, Eric. I want to hear it. It is J.C. Chazay. Chazay! That's a fancy name.

I also love that below that little snippet, there's a BBC article that's headlined What Happened to NSYNC Members Who Aren't Justin Timberlake? That's part of the article. What episode is this, my friends?

63, I believe. Yeah, it's 63. And it's going to be a good one, boys. I'm very excited. Jeff's been away in a foreign land, and I haven't really spoken to him at all since he's been back just just been having jeff you've been sending us the most interesting updates without any of the information and i've i honestly i've been excited about recording all damn day okay here's what i have

a i wrote out some bullet points uh we can get i i have a i have a recommended order but i'll just read them off uh number one thing I want to talk about. I'll just write down what I wrote. Say what I wrote. Man hands. Here's the next one. Open water. Here's the next one.

Backpack. Here's the next one. This is from today. Purple nightmare. Yeah, it sure was. It's followed you home. The most recent one, which I sent to you guys about an hour ago, two hours ago,

which was just, this one just says regulation fart. And then I have a space for my queries and insights, which I don't know that we'll get to this episode, but we're recording too. We're recording too, because I think you're going to a foreign land, Gavin.

So we need to prepare for that. Yeah. Well, and then whatever you want to talk about, Gavin, and whatever you want to talk about, Andrew, because it's a quorum. Goddamn, I feel like I just want to listen. Yeah, I'm really excited.

You texted me over a week ago at this point. Boy, do I have an ocean rescue story for you. Nothing else. And it's just has left me time to just admit, I don't what's happening i don't know if you're being rescued i hope and my heart of heart my dream is that you went on a jet ski expedition and it went horribly wrong that required rescue before we hit jeff stuff the i have a list of stuff but i think the only thing that I kind of want to touch on is the stuff that just links us from previous episodes. And it's super quick. What I liked is that because everyone was drawing the layout of your room, Andrew, a

lot of people, a lot of the comment leavers drew some very accurate stuff. But then when that episode came out, we posted the video that you took where you were just sort of 360 degrees filming around the room and i noticed a really bizarre line of thought across so many individual comment levers a lot of people were blown away at how bright your room was they were like wow it's so much brighter than i imagined oh weird it's like it's really bright and I've realized Everyone has been imagining you in this dingy dark little room As if you record every podcast in the dark, and I don't know how that sort of infiltrated their minds But there are so many comments that are like wow that's just like a normal room

Like you film what you record from some hole in the ground yeah as if yeah they expected it to be something other than human exactly well so to a certain level i'm insulted but on a second point i agree my room is way too goddamn bright i don't have like a proper curtain for my big window for what they put in so during the day it's fucking it's so bright in here it's terrible even at night it's not great so beyond the insult here. It's terrible. Even at night. It's not great. So beyond the insult, I agree with that. My room is way too bright. I don't think they were saying it should be darker.

No, but they're just saying they're pointing out how bright it is. I guess your statement is that they're doing it in contrast to their expectation. Or I'm just saying as a general room, my room is brighter than most bedrooms,'d say with the curtains down it's an ineffective curtain why do you want to be in a dark room why just like when you wake up in the morning just fucking the sun's blasting me in the face every morning i don't like it no i guess we're going no no i want the choice to do that i want to go over to the curtain and blast myself i don't want the sun just blasting me whenever it feels like that's totally achievable though just how would i do that blackout blind or something yeah i need to do work i need to set that up i'm seeing the blinds that came with the place are not functional in that way i'd have

to modify it you know who can help is amazon can they yeah you buy curtains on amazon well no but i have to install the curtains then it's not like like I need a curtain rod. I need to get a screwdriver. I need a ladder. We're talking several steps here. I feel like there's very little that you can't do with a drill and a... Well, just a drill, really. Just in some bits. Yeah.

Some screwdriver bits. You think I could do that job with a screwdriver? Yes. A chair is a ladder. A desk is a ladder. A screwdriver... You've got to have a screwdriver in your house. Oh chair is a ladder. A desk is a ladder. A screwdriver, you've got to have a screwdriver in your house. Oh, I definitely do, but I feel like I need to mount something

to the wall. This is a very specific setup these windows. Maybe a little pilot hole? Get the drills in there? The screws? Certainly make it easier on you. It would. I mean, I could take a photo right now if you want. I mean, this is a I can't, I'd have to go above the window. The way, it's a poorly designed thing. I'll never turn down an opportunity to get a photo from you, to be honest. photo right now if you want i mean this is it i can't i'd have to go above the window the way

it's a poorly designed thing i'll never turn down an opportunity to get a photo from you to be honest i'll turn around take a photo i mean i figured you guys should fill the time i figured you'd say literally anything that was my cue so i'm gonna need a minute you guys fill i appreciate the quiet whistling now you don't need to i've missed you jeff i've missed you as well we still haven't filmed the the super badass bike stunt yet unfortunately what are you doing tomorrow uh i have a shitload of meetings tomorrow unfortunately what are you doing saturday saturday let's do it okay let's oh that's a nice that's a nice bright window oh lovely oh you know what you could do you could just uh you could pop that roller thing out and just put a darker one in like a thicker

one you don't have to use any tools for that could i yeah just measure the size look into like oh i'm not good at measuring i'm a bad measuring person i'm not a measuring guy i'm really bad at guessing length you don't have to guess that's why you. You don't have to guess. That's why you measure. You don't have to guess. I know, I don't trust myself. Measuring takes the guessing out. It's the anti-guess. Measuring is the anti-guessing, dude. Come on. It's a tough thing, especially when dealing with people in other countries

trying to explain things. It's very difficult. I'm not good at it as far as this is concerned. What, are you getting live advice from a foreign country while you're measuring? No, if I'm trying to explain to somebody how tall something don't know, tall something is, or long, I try to

think of, like, objects they would see. Or you could just use the measurement. You could just do, just say 75 inches. Are you trying to relate more closely? Are you, like, talking to French people in baguettes? Like, what do you mean? Okay, so, like, one of the measurements, I don't know.

Peter Dinklage is somebody I've used in the past Yeah, just like a Dinklage So like I learned a dink so Peter Dinklage is 1.2 yards Stop measuring people in the arts. Why? Well, no, it's just, okay. So now I'm a big football, I love football. Every time it's like third and one now in my head,

it's third and a dinklage. And it's just, I don't know. It's a fun visual. They need to move the ball. But no one knows exactly how tall Peter Dinklage is just off in their head. Nobody has that information. No, but if somebody said like, how tall is my mini fridge, I'd assume it's about the same height as Peter Dinklage.

And I don't know what the height of my fridge is, but I could say it's around the height of Peter Dinklage, and they would know because they've seen Peter Dinklage. I would love to see a measuring tape that just measures in Dinklage's. Dinklage's? Dinklage's is my main measurement.

That's easier than getting a tape measure that's easier like oh yeah peter tinklage can you come over and stand under this cabinet if they don't know how long a foot is what good is it even if i have the exact measurement because it's numbers if i was like how tall is your house you'd be like it's one minute bowl a lebron james and the rocker i would say it's uh probably like the third story of a hotel two stories of a hotel maybe i don't know i'd compare it to like a thing that everyone's seen i need to understand that in dinklage i'm sorry i don't know this is coming from the man who who told me to put an eighth of a teaspoon of pineapple juice in my sauce that was just me saying stuff not good at i'm not good at i like that you you then went to actually put a value to peter

dinklage in terms of measurement you did it in yards i did well because i was thinking within a football context was having this conversation of like if you were going to move the ball of peter dinklage how far would it be and it was 1.3 or 1.2 yards i believe oh man yeah well i i understand the problem now there's no there's no easy solution for you to get blinds it's just going to be bright for the rest of your life well no it's there are tons of solutions they just require me to do some research and i haven't done it yet you're on the phone to home depot ordering a dinklage of blinds you're working in a vaccine lab or something oh my god i mean all i need to do is cover my eyes with a pillow that's my technique i just bring the pillow over the face and we're fine darkens out the whole room it's perfect i can't see anything it's comfy i feel like i'm a little i'm trapped a little bit, a little enclosed. It's great. Oh, God damn.

I did not expect to hear that today. No, we're just talking about distances. I used to think a foot was the size of my foot. I'd use my foot to measure feet. Not an accurate representation. Although it might be. How many dinkledges per hour does a plane fly at? I haven't expanded beyond a football scenario, but that's a great question. You don't know DPH? No, I don't expanded beyond a football scenario but that's a great question you don't know dph

no I don't I don't know dinklage per hour dinklage is per hour is not a measurement that uh I've tracked speaking of planes that was a part of a clever segue but speaking of planes Jeff went on a plane somewhere Jeff what happened when you were there. Jeff, what a great segue. I had a fantastic vacation is what I try. God damn. Well, let's start at the top. Man hands.

Okay, so that's an insight. I went to this place in Mexico that I go. I'm just going to sit back. First trip out of the States in a while. And there's this little island. It's the easternmost point of Mexico. It's called Isla Mujeres.

And I go there fairly regularly. I mean, not since the pandemic, obviously. So this is my first trip out. The girlfriend and I and two of our grown-up non-rooster-teeth friends, a couple, all went together. And then met some other grown-up non-rooster-teeth friends. So it was like six couples. And anyway, so I went for a week. And it's a really cool little island.

It's only about five miles long. And there's not really any cars on it. So when you get there, you have to take a ferry to get there. And when you get there, you rent a golf cart golf cart and you just drive around and swim and eat fun food and it's just really charming and great and drive golf carts it's awesome it's fun anyway so uh they have massages on the beach and uh i try to get a massage every day while i'm there because they're super cheap and they're really good massages every day beach yeah one a day like go swimming in the morning uh eat some lunch at the beach go swim a little bit more then go get like a knock out like an hour-long massage and then go back and get ready for dinner right

but surely by like day five you're like okay i've done this i've done it well trying to get one every day doesn't mean getting one every day i would say in the six days i was there i probably got four that's still a lot good that's dude it doesn't feel like a lot i could have used another six or seven uh a lot of stress in this body buddy uh it's gonna it takes those people a while to work it out anyway so i've been doing this for a long time it's it's like open air and it's breezy and you're like smelling the ocean and you've got the way it's just really relaxing and uh i had something it came up that's just never come up before in my entire life, which

is we roll up on the first day and it's Emily and I both get our massages, and it's always two ladies, but this time it was a dude and a lady. And that's happened before too, but always like, and I don't know if these are like unspoken rules or whatever, but the lady always massages

me and the dude always massages Emily, right? I've never been massaged by a guy before in my life. And this time the guy was like, let's go. So I'm like, okay, cool. I've never had a massage by a guy before. I wonder if it's any different at all, you know? So I lay down and we get to work and I realized that men are superior to women in every way. I melted in that man's hands.

I felt, I was, he worked out every sore muscle, every ounce of stress in my entire body with his strong masculine hands. I was a puddle. I felt safe and secure. I was, I didn't want to leave that bed, dude. And I thought about that massage all night. And then the next day I went back and I was like, where's the guy?

And he wasn't there, but there was a different guy. So I got the different guy. I'm never, this is my insight. I'm never getting massaged by a woman with tiny woman hands ever again for the rest of my life. Sorry, women, I'm off limits. I only want beefy, strong sausage fingers dudes on me. It was amazing. And I recommend every dude go out and get a massage by a dude who's tougher than you

immediately. So I guess two things immediately for me. I'm I've never gotten a massage in my life, but I've known this to be a thing. You want the male massage. It's just it's a deeper. That's more strength, more hand strength. That's just the thing I know. So it's shocking to me.

It sounds like you're a real massage enthusiast that you weren't aware of this. Second thing, and most important detail, at what day did you get the massage from the guy? Uh, I think it was the, How many massages in were you?

It was the first massage, so it was on day two. I didn't get a massage day one. So this also explains Jeff's sudden pursuit of massages every single day. Yeah. like an increase. No, no. Yeah. Yeah. He has seen the light and he now needs it as much as he possibly could get it. That's why you're going there every day. And I'll be honest, the second dude wasn't as good as the first dude, but he was still really good and it was still amazing. But I still am thinking about the first guy a little bit and I wish I

could remember his name. Yeah, he rocked my world and I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm sure you could just ask for a firmer massage from any woman. I've asked for firm massages. It's different. I'm telling you, there's hand size. There's like this raw. I don't know how else to describe it. I've had a million massages in my life. I've had deep tissue massages. I've had therapeutic massages. I've had all kinds of different massages. It was just different. So are you telling me that if you went and got one this week, you got a woman masseuse?

Mm-hmm. I guess that's redundant. And then you asked for like as firm as she's got. Are you saying it wouldn't come close? I don't know. I'm just saying I've never experienced massages like the four, three, I got a woman the last day, so three of the four massages were men, and I've never experienced massages like the three

that I got from men. I think there are obvious going to be exceptions to that example, but I think generally speaking, it's just you know, guys would have more hand strength I'd assume. I've had a few in my time. The same though always always women but i had one in japan and it was way too firm it she hurt me so much i would have paid again at the end to have just gone back in time and not done it yeah it wasn't about pain it wasn't like he like it was it's hard to scream it's not like

there was just like a strength there and i don't know how else to describe it but i wasn't saying like the guy hurt me any more than the women do or anything i've had some painful massages from women it was just like just a different vibe with a dude i don't know but i'm into it hmm interesting into it yeah little revelation maybe i'll try it out i i recommend you do my friend please give a scouting report back gavin i'd love to i i can't i'm too ticklish for massages i'd love to get one too ticklish they're not like yeah they're not tickling you buddy no i i'm super ticklish like doesn't even matter i don't trust myself it would be a disaster i wonder if they would charge you more though because as you've once said, you're all back.

So there potentially is more back. It would be exhausting for them and it would be stressful for me trying not to laugh. It'd be a terrible experience. Oh, Eric says Jeff is right. Oh, thanks, Eric. Appreciate it. You're right. I've had massages from both and I prefer male masseuse.

Yeah. It's just, it's deeper. I feel like it's deeper tissue and a firmer hold. Deeper. There's just something to it. It's way deeper. They're getting in there. The end.

Men just, I'll say it like this. I've learned men know how to touch men. I'm just surprised Andrew's never got one. Oh, I'm too ticklish. He's never had an egg, and you're surprised he's never had a massage? I just feel like there are places where I'm ticklish, but during a massage, they're not tickling me.

Oh, you don't understand the level of ticklishness that I got going on over here. It is a real problem. I'm super ticklish, and I just don't want to risk it. I don't want to roll those dice, because it would just be a nightmare your body is just so unbalanced by the sounds of you got the strongest nose in the world but the most ticklish back yeah yeah you're just lopsided ticklish everywhere so is your nose ticklish i bet you you know what if you if you got someone in there who knew what they were doing in the tickling game i would i'd probably laugh yeah i'd probably it'd probably tickle what does that mean i don't know i'm saying i don't know

the nose tickling technique but if you get a real tickling enthusiast in there that knows their way around i'm sure they'd get me but that's the whole point them the the masseurs and masseuses aren't gonna tickle you no but it's a mental thing it's just something about the process i don't know i'm super ticked i'm just it's more of a paranoia thing too of if if i don't want to risk that what if i am ticklish in that way because then what do i do it's just a terrible scenario all right fair enough we all shop online and we've all seen that promo code field taunt us at checkout. Enter me in for a discount.

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So go to HelloFresh.com slash FACE14 and use code code Face14 for up to 14 free meals plus free shipping. Better get to grilling and sizzling. So that's manhands. All right, that's manhands. The next one is open water. Now, this is the big one. This one and Purple Nightmare are the big ones. I think we may have to wait until next episode for purple nightmare though all right i'm gonna start this with a preface i'm gonna

preface this by saying i am still reeling a little bit from how poorly i told the horse story and have received a lot of criticism in my personal life from people about it that are more familiar with the story and i feel a particular fear uh in regards to this story because it's not just my story I was one of four people that experienced this hell so would you want to write it out no I have I have notes I apologize in advance to Emily and Joey and Tamara if I don't do the story justice I am really sorry it's a lot it's a it's a mouthful it's a lot to figure out and everybody because I've heard the story repeated about 100 times over the last week uh everybody has different parts that matter to them right and so if i don't cover the part that matters to you the most i apologize but it wasn't

the part that mattered to me the most okay so for the sake of your storytelling do you want us just to listen instead of ask questions no no you don't ask questions as five. Let's just do this like normal. All right. Okay. Now, uh, while we, well, first off, let me say, uh, I, I would like to tell you,

I had, I woke up with a nightmare the night before this happened. And I had a conversation with Emily. I can't tell you what that conversation is yet. Cause it'll spoil the story, but I'll tell you at the end. If you remind me, come back to it.

Okay. It's, it's nonlinear. It's nonlinear. It's nonlinear. While we were in Mexico, we decided to go snorkeling. I will also say that I have been snorkeling quite a few times in my life. I've been snorkeling in the ocean a few times. I've been snorkeling at this very island, Isla Mujeres, before.

Consider myself familiar with snorkeling as a concept and fairly experienced in it. So previously I had snorkeled. We'd done some reefs, like a reef, and we'd done like an underwater museum that they have out there that's really cool. And this time there were a lot of advertisements to go snorkeling with whale sharks. So we started to look into it and it seemed like this really cool opportunity. I guess once a year whale sharks come So we started to look into it and it seemed like this really cool opportunity. I guess once a year, whale sharks come, they typically live, I don't know, a couple hundred feet below water. They're sharks, not whales, so they don't have to come up for oxygen. And they have giant mouths, but their mouths don't open, they can't have teeth, so they can only eat plankton, so they're not dangerous, right? And about once a year, they will come up

at this spot in the ocean where the Gulf Coast and the and the I guess the Pacific Ocean or Atlantic Ocean meet or the oceans off Mexico. And I guess it's like it's like a feeding frenzy for them. And there'll be hundreds out there eating at the surface and manta rays, too. And supposedly it's a really cool, unique thing. And so there are a lot of advertisements to go snorkeling with the whale sharks. And we had had such a positive experience snorkeling there previously that we were like, hey, let's do that. Let's all do that. And so the whole big group of us were going to go, two people backed out. So it ended up just being me and Emily and our other two friends.

The thing I liked about it is that it's like a weird thing to go snorkeling with animals. And I was a little worried about like is this appropriate and they were like yeah it's like it's really ecologically minded they wouldn't let us wear sunscreen at all because the sunscreen could irritate or

affect the food or the whale sharks in some negative way so we had to wear like we had to go out and buy like full body like wetsuit kind of deals because it was like this you know a thousand degrees in the sun and it's like a four-hour tour right no very similar very similar to gilligan's island so we get there and this lady comes out the lady who we bought the tour from we're sitting on the on like right out right on the beach there right in front of the boat and she comes up and she we talked to her for about 15 minutes she gives us the rundown and we're like,

all right, let's get to it. And she goes, oh, oh yeah, no, let me introduce you to the captain. I'm not, I'm not the one that does it. I just coordinate it. And we're like, oh, okay. So then this captain comes out and he gives us a spiel about like,

he's really funny and engaging and he's really well-versed. And they explain to us that it's, you know, we're in their territory. So we have to be respectful. And he explains like all the different scenarios where we could annoy a whale shark and how to avoid it you know he's

got all these little funny clips like quips like uh you know how like when you're eating at a picnic and flies are buzzing around while you're trying to eat your lunch though you're the flies so be respectful yada yada yada and it's all really good information and uh and we can only go in like two people at a time so like like, you know, the other couple will go in and when they come out, we'll go in because we don't want to overwhelm the whale sharks. It's all designed with being really respectful to the whale sharks and their environment,

which I think is pretty cool. And so he's like, all right, you guys ready? And we're like, yeah, let's go. And then we're like, point us to the boat. And he goes, oh no, no, I'm not taking you. These other guys are taking you. And at this point I think, well, that's a little weird. I'm on my third person. And surely at no, I'm not taking you. These other guys are taking you. And at this point, I think, well, that's a little weird. I'm on my third person.

And surely at some point, I'm going to talk to the person that's going to take us out, right? So he takes us out to this. He actually just points to the boat. And we go out there and there's these two dudes on it, like a captain and like a diver dude, right? But was the first guy a captain? He was like the head of the company, I guess. He was a captain. Yeah.

So anyway anyway these guys we get there we get on the boat and it becomes apparent these guys don't speak a lot of english uh and you know why would they they're hispanic and they're in mexico right and so there's a bit of a language barrier off the at the get-go which is fine you know we make it work no big deal so we get in the boat and it's you know it's not a big boat it's like one of those little boats you'd see off the coast i don't know a lot about boats but it's got two little twin yamaha 150 engines on the back that's very important two twin yamaha 150 engines boy does that become a big deal uh and uh you know it's one of those boats that probably holds about 12 people it's just seats all the way around it's not super fast and it's covered with like a tarp at the top you know like a nice tarp and so they're like okay uh oh by the way i should mention one thing

that gave me pause is in the previous instructions from the first captain who i thought was going to be taking us out he mentioned that we were going about 50 miles off the coast in open ocean. Wow. Yeah. 50 miles into the ocean. 50 miles. And I thought, that's a lot further than I thought it would be. And he goes, yeah, it's going to take about 45 minutes to get out there. It takes about 45 minutes in these little boats to go 50 miles.

That's a fast boat. Yeah. And like 45, 50 miles somewhere. It's a fast boat. Yeah. And like 40, 45, 50 miles somewhere. It's like, it's not an exact science, right? It's like wherever the whale sharks are that day, but it's, you know,

he said it's about, you know, 70 to 85 kilometers or so, which I, in my head, is about 45 to 50 miles, right? I think. Anyway, it's pretty fucking far out there. So we hop in the boat

and I'm not, I don't get seasick. I'm not uneasy about this. I've been, uh, whale watching before the whole thing, but they recommend we take Dramamine, uh, for nausea. And so I'm like, fuck it. I will. Yeah. Like why not? You know, why, why, why tempt fate? So I take, we all take our Dramamine. Not that I think it's going to be an issue at all. Then we take off and we, uh, we start to go to go and after about i don't know 15 minutes or so i realize we're we're not going really fast and i look over and the uh the guy is like fucking with

the with the controls trying to get one of the like one of the engines is pegged and the other one is just like going back and forth he's trying to and the other guy's back there kind of kicking it and looking at it and uh we realize uh they they start screwing we slow down and i'll say if we were going in fifth gear like if this was a car we're going in like third gear now and uh they're like speaking to each other and i can't quite understand it they seem agitated the vibe starts to shift i'll say that the vibe it just doesn't seem as pleasant as it was. And there is obviously a problem with one of the engines. I can still see land. We're like, I said 15 minutes out.

We're like maybe 10 minutes out. I can still see land. So I'm kind of not too worried, but I'm also like, well, we can just go back. And they're like, they kind of wave us off when we're like, do we need to, you know? They're like, yeah, that's fine. And they go back there and he's like kicking the engine

and he's like working on it. And we just keep going. The other guy just goes forward with one engine while the other guy tries to fix the first engine. Eventually he gives up and we just go forward with one engine. At this point, we're 30, 40 minutes out. And I'm like, oh, well, we've only got about 10 minutes before we'll be at the 10 minutes to 20 minutes before we'll be at the whale sharks. Right. But I start to notice that boats come by and they're passing us like we're sitting still. And I realize they're going way, way, way faster than us because they're in fifth gear because both of their engines work.

We're going like third on one engine. And it's starting to get real bumpy in third gear. When you're going in fifth gear, you're cutting right through those waves. When you're going in third gear, you are cutting right through those waves. When you're going in third gear, you are not. We are getting kind of battered around. Like I'm starting to get a bruise on the back of my lower back

from getting slammed into the back of the boat over and over again. And we're not like nauseous or anything, but it's not pleasant, right? We do that. The 45 minute ride out to the whale sharks ended up being a little over an hour and a half.

By the time we roll up, I see the boats out there. We're all feeling pretty, pretty worn out. Like it's been a long hour and a half getting blasted in the sun with no sunscreen, getting jostled around going like we're bobbing like a fucking motherfuckers because we're not going that fast. We get out there. And first off, I thought this was going to be this intimate experience there's 40 boats in the water and i don't know how they're not slamming into each other because this is open fucking ocean like i i haven't seen land in an hour at this point we are so far out there and i'm i discover i'm not super cool with that like i'm okay with it uh Obviously, we're safe, but it's weird to be in that small of a boat that far away from land, right?

And all these boats, and it's getting... So there's all these boats floating around, and I noticed that on every boat, two or three people are hanging off the boat just throwing up. Like, I'm probably watching... I'm probably watching 20 people puke

at the same time. I like that there's no sunscreen, but you're allowed to just vomit all over the place.'t i don't i don't think they had a choice dude there was no there's no way to hold it in right and so uh the waves are fucking huge too here and then the guy comes over and he gives there's not even a discussion of who's getting in the water yet he just gives emily and i flippers and we brought our own snorkels because we thought that'd be the safest with coven stuff and so he the guy goes, hey, put these on. And so we're like, I'm like putting them on.

And she's like putting hers on. And before the guy had given us the spiel, the first captain had given a spiel. When you get in the water, just look straight down. Just look straight down. There's no whales above you. The whale sharks are going to be below you. But you also need to keep in mind where the boat is, where the diver is, and where your partner is at all times. But also don't look up, only look down. And I'm like, well, that seems complicated.

So, and I'm interested to see how that's going to work in practice. So anyway, he gives us these, I'm starting to just like casually put a thing on. And then the guy screams, go, go now, go now, go, go now. And Emily and I are like, what, what? And we're not even sure if it's us. And he's just pointing at us going, go now, go now. And then goes over and he he points to him and he jumps in the water like we're supposed to do and we're like uh and the other guy's like go now and we're like uh and so we're like putting our flippers on and we just drive jump into the water right jump into a huge roiling ocean full of people and waves and boats and my snorkel flies off. One of my fins flies off my foot.

And so I'm like in open ocean trying to put my fucking fin back on and trying to fit my snorkel on while I'm bouncing around and like a wave will come up and I can't see anything. It's just, I can't see anybody. And then the wave will crash back down and I'll suddenly see 40 boats and 100 people. And it's fucking scary. and I'm like looking around so I just start looking at the ground like looking

in the ocean and all I just see is blue just like hundreds of feet of blue and nothing it's the scariest thing I've ever seen and I'm like where are these fucking whale sharks and but then I'm like oh I gotta look at Emily I gotta look at the guy right so I look up and Emily's over there so I like to try to grab her hand and she grabs mine and then the guy's like the guy's like hi and he's like yelling at me and I'm like

oh fuck what and I don't understand what he's saying he's like and. And then the guy's like, the guy's like, hi. And he's like yelling at me. And I'm like, oh, fuck what? And I don't understand what he's saying. He's like, ah. And he just starts pointing. He's like, follow, follow. And I'm like, oh, so I just start swimming and start swimming. Right. And start swimming.

And then he's like, get on the boat. And I'm like, oh, OK. And so like, well, then we're like trying to get on the fucking boat and the waves are crashing. I'm like slammed against the side of the fucking boat. And I eventually climb up the ladder. And by the time I get back on the ladder, we've been in the water for 45 seconds to a minute. Maybe I'm exhausted.

Emily looks like she just, Emily looks like she is fucking done. And we're both like, what the fuck was that? And then I just hear chatter over the radio going, no whales, no whale sharks, no whale sharks. And then we just start, and the guy's like, no sharks here. And then we just take off. And I'm like, what the fuck? And I look at Emily and she goes,

I look at Emily and she goes, I'm not getting back in the water. And I go, yeah, I know. They'll go next. They'll go next. And then we just start going and we're just leaving all these other boats behind. And that actually scares me because we're going off on our own. And all I can hear is chatter over the radio of them saying, like, no whale sharks here, whatever. So, like, we're going to another location.

Right. But we're going in third gear again and we're going slow. right but we're going in third gear again and we're going slow and at this point the dip into the the terrifying dip into the open ocean and then getting slammed around and then slammed into the boat and then back up in uh i'm i'm starting to get a little little seasick at this point and we go for i want to say another oh 30 or 40 minutes further out into the ocean. And eventually I'm starting to wonder if these guys are just taking us out to dump us because there's nobody around and it's scary and there's no communication. And they're there. I can tell these guys are getting more stressed by the boat.

Oh, I should also point out, I'm starting to smell a lot. When we got into the water and we came back into the back of the boat, we're smelling a ton of gasoline. It's a very intense smell of gasoline at the back of the boat. And Emily and I are like, this is not feel good. No sunscreen. At this point in the story, am I supposed to know what the hell happened back there?

Back where? At the back of the boat? Like, go now and get in the boat? No, you don't know anything more than I do, dude. They told us that we go to the spot where the whale sharks are. They scream at us to jump in. We jump in. Then they scream at us to get out. And then we just take off. And they're like,

there were no whale sharks there. And then eventually in that 30 minutes, boats start slamming past us again like we're standing still. We get to another location. This time there's about 20 boats. The whole thing happens again. They like throw the stuff at Joey and and tamera they're like you guys get ready uh i should also point out at some point that this is supposed to be a lunch and ceviche where they prepare prepare ceviche live in front of you and they have gourmet sandwiches and shit uh not that i'm hungry

at this point uh but other people are and uh we we get there, and it's even worse there, and there's less boats there, and it's like the waves are even worse, and there's just like no whale sharks. And they're like, no sharks here. We go again. And I think Tamara goes, no, no, that's enough. No, we're not going to another location.

We're good. Just take us back. We're done. Like, we're two and a half hours into this. We've been getting slammed left and right. I'm fucking not feeling well. Emily looks like she's feeling terribly. Joey seems fine.

He owns a boat. And the other girl, Tamara, she lived on a yacht for, like, a sailboat for a couple years. Not a yacht, but a sailboat for a couple years. So, like, they're well-versed sea people. And Joey's fine. Tamara looks like she's not feeling great either. And so the guy's like, he kind of shrugs and is he's like okay so we turn around and we just start heading we think back we're looking like we're looking on a compass on our phone like yeah we're headed towards land i guess this is the way and it's we just start going a little bit

slower and a little bit slower and at some point they throw sandwiches at us and i open mine up and it's uh it's just two pieces of like white bread with like as as it was described if it was one slice of ham sliced on a one like it was like you could see through it and they're just a shitload of mayonnaise so the mayonnaise is a non-starter for me right so I just I'm like well I'm not gonna do

that and then I see the ceviche it's a literally a five gallon like Home Depot bucket just full of shrimp and i'm like that doesn't look appetizing either just open shrimp in a five gallon bucket so i'm like clearly i'm not eating on this trip uh but i'm not super hungry anyway it's like bread and a bucket of chum yeah bread and a bucket of chum is what we're looking at and so and there's no diet coke by the way what's really that was the thing that pissed me off. They only had Coke and Sprite.

No Diet Coke. And so, so I'm just trying to drink a Sprite and I'm feeling really bad. And Emily's, I can tell, feeling really bad. And we're now 45 minutes into the trip back and the boat keeps going slower. And I'd say about, yeah, about 45 minutes, I noticed that we're not really going.

We just seem to be kind of floating. Well, I should go back. I should dial back to maybe about 20 minutes before this moment. We're sitting there and I'm rocking and then I realize I'm absolutely going to throw up. There was no way to hold it back and so I run over to the side of the boat

and I throw up a good five or six times huge vomit and is the boat moving oh yeah so slowly but it is moving and i'm like you know just this fucking ocean nausea vomiting right it's not pretty it's a horrible sound oh henry's here yeah that's right you fucked that toy up this story's just the best i hope it never ends well we got a ways to go uh so uh i turned back to look at emily because she's like are you all right and she sees me and she almost throws up in her mouth and turns away and goes i can't look at you i can't look at you and i'm like oh my god what and i don't know i just like i'm sitting

there and uh and i sit there for a while and emily's just like i can't i can't i can't i can't look at you i'm gonna throw up i couldn't figure out why i thought it was because i saw not over the ocean uh after a few minutes like maybe about five minutes after i calmed down i i touched my face and i realized i'm cut my face is covered in puke and emily said later it looked like i drank a cappuccino of vomit and it was just like i had like a cappuccino mustache of puke around, you know? And so I'm like trying to wipe it off and you see what,

oh boy, he's Henry. Give it a break. Octopus break. Oh yeah. Now settle in. Hunker down. That's good.

Yeah. He's getting cozy. So he can really, is that different to the owl that usually has? Yeah. He allows in the other room. This is this is puss puss, as we call it. A little blue octopus.

So so at this point, I lay down and I'm like, I got to go to sleep because I'm exhausted and I start to fall asleep just laying on the side of the boat, like just holding my tummy. And I wake every time I wake up as I'm falling to the floor or my head is slamming back into the side of the boat, like just holding my tummy. And I wake, every time I wake up as I'm falling to the floor or my head is slamming back into the side of the ocean from the waves, right? So now, so that's where I was for 20 minutes. Eventually I get up and then I realized that we're going really slow

at some point in this. We're probably about 45 minutes into the return and I look back there and I realized neither engine is going and I hear the guy trying to start it and trying to start it. And then for the next 30 minutes I can only describe

I can only say I watched two men try to get an it took me a while to piece together what was happening there was a lot of yelling there was a lot of screaming on the mic on the over the radio I just keep hearing Caliente Caliente over the radio Caliente and I

look and then I realize I guess the other other engine, the one that was working, has overheated from excessive use. And so the guy is literally standing on the top of it, trying to push it into the ocean to submerge it, to cool it down. So now we're in a situation where I think we're going to die. We're probably going to die. I haven't seen land in three hours. I've been beaten to hell, banged around for hours and hours. I've got no food in me. The only food available is slathered in mayonnaise and chum.

And I got a half a Sprite to my name. and I got a half a sprite to my name. And this guy's trying to submerge the boat to save the engine, you know, essentially. And so they eventually work out a system where they drive for a few minutes really slowly. If we were in third gear before, we're in first gear now, which by the way, first gear in open ocean,

you don't go forward. It's like you kind of go in whatever direction the ocean tells you to go with a little bit of zeal you know just a little gusto in that direction so we're just getting we're going left we're going right we're going back occasionally forward very rarely or we go we're certainly not going in a straight line and we're not going anywhere right and every once in a while the engine will conk out and then we'll it'll be too caliente and they'll be like trying to cool down and then after a few minutes they'll like get started again and then we'll go for a few more

minutes and then it'll it'll stop and we're like what is going on how long till we get back and the guy goes 30 minutes and i'm like there's no fucking way we're gonna be back in 30 minutes we're not we're hours away from land at this point i don't even know that we're headed to be back in 30 minutes. We're not. We're hours away from land at this point. I don't even know that we're headed in the right fucking direction. It's brutal. And then, sure enough, about 30 minutes later, two boats show up on the horizon. And I'm not thinking about writing my goodbyes

at this point. I don't know what else to do. We're just getting slammed left and right. I'm beyond nauseous. Joey seems fine, like he's having a great day. Emily looks like she wants to die. He's just tucking into the chum. He's fine.

He's fine. He's happy. He doesn't get seasick. He's loving life, right? Tamara's doing... I found out later it was to keep herself from vomiting. She was doing New York Times

crossword puzzles on her phone, which I don't know how you... I don't know how that kept her from vomiting because anytime I made... Anytime I focused on anything, it made me want to to vomit uh anyway two boats show up on the horizon and we're like what's this and they're like I wanted the boats and the guys aren't talking to us they're in a bad bad mood and we're in a bad mood and I can tell this has been very stressful on them

probably not as stressful as it's been on us but maybe ignorance is bliss I don't know how close to dead we are right this other boat full of it's been on us, but maybe ignorance is bliss. I don't know how close to dead we are, right? This other boat full of, it's another whale watching whale shark watching tour, full boat, right? It gets a little close to us and the guy turns to us and he goes, they're going to take you back. And we're like, oh, so we're going to get

on that boat? And he goes, yeah. And I go, how? And he goes, go, go now, go now! And we go, what? What? And he goes, go now, go now. And we go, what, what? And he goes, go now, get in the ocean, go now. And we're like, what? Our stuff. And he goes, don't worry about it.

Go now. I've got your stuff. And we're like, what? And we all dive into the ocean. And then we have to swim through these giant waves and crazy with no flippers on or anything. I got my hat on, my clothes. I'm like, I just swim to barely to get to beat slam against this other boat which is way too far away i get there pull ourselves up get on the boat

right no idea what just happened look back and i'm like all our stuff's on that boat and then i see i see all of our shit just flying through the air from one boat to another they're just chucking it at us right just like there goes my bag there goes goes Emily's bag. There goes somebody's hat. And I realize, oh my God, my phone and my wallet are in my shoe. There go my shoes. Through my shoes, 30 feet in the air over open ocean with my phone

and my fucking wallet in it. I fucking run up. They're there. We didn't lose anything. But I was like, I couldn't believe it, dude. It was the most horrific thing I've ever seen is like just all of our shit like exploding on the ground on the boat.

Then those guys, the boat we're on, they sit down. We sit down for a second. Then we just take off. And those guys, as far as I know, they're still there.

We just left them bobbing in the ocean and we assaulted some other crews right so then we're on this other cruise it becomes very quickly very apparent very quickly nobody on this boat speaks english either the people on the cruise are from somewhere in eastern europe and then the boat captain and stuff there and so they're like all the seats in the back what they communicate to us all the seats in the back are full. You're going to have to sit up front. We're like, yeah, okay. Why? Who cares?

Whatever. We're just happy to sit. So we sit up front, and then they crank this thing into fifth gear. Suddenly, we're going. Nausea goes away immediately like a light switch. We start cutting through the waves. But the reason nobody wanted to sit up front is because every wave, we get drenched. I'm talking torrential, like 17 five-gallon buckets of water thrown in your face all at once,

which is quite refreshing after everything else. And then we just rocket back, just drenched from head to toe. But the nausea's gone. I couldn't be happier. I'm smiling from ear to ear, uh, so much that I'm just swallowing gallons of salt water because I don't even care.

Cause it's just slamming me in the face. Like I fuck, it's like a movie. I can imagine you seeing like hope you see all the things that are good in life. And you just, you picture a nice set of man hands waiting for you. I'm like,

I'm gonna get the biggest fucking massage. And, uh, so then we, we start to pull back up to Isla Mujeres and we put two and two together. On their tour, it goes to a sandbar by the beach. The previous tour, we had done this as well,

where you go to this like sandbar off the coast where the water is really blue and pretty and then people go swimming. And then so we get there and we dot, like they throw down the anchor and they're like, okay, they communicate. We're gonna be here for about 15 minutes. Go swimming, relax.

Then we'll cook up some fresh ceviche for you. And then we'll take you guys back to Cancun. And we're like, A, swimming is the last thing on earth I want to fucking do right now. B, I won't be eating again anytime soon. And C, did you say Cancun? And they're like, yeah, yeah, this charter goes to Cancun. And I'm like, no, no, no, we're here on this island. Take us to a dock on this island. And he's like, no, no, no. We're here on this island. Take us to a dock on this island.

And he's like, no, we don't go to a dock on this island. We dock in Cancun. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But we're already here. And Cancun is a 35, it's 35 miles that way. And then when we get to Cancun, we have no way to get back. So then we'll have to figure out

how to get from your dock to the ferry. And then we'll have to, the ferry only runs every 30 minutes. So we'll have to buy buy tickets and then we'll have to take a ferry all the way back to where we are right now so if you could just take us to a dock and the guy's like now now you can swim and then we'll take you back to cancun so i'm like fuck this and fuck you i look at the guys and i'm like we're swimming in and they're like what and i grab i look it looks like i can stand i grab all of our stuff i I give Joey the rest of it. Cause the girls aren't tall enough.

They jump in the water. I jump, I, I, I jump in the water with all the stuff on my head, like all of our bags and shoes and everything on her head. Wait, how far out are you? Uh, I mean like a couple hundred, maybe 300 feet. Maybe it's a sandbar. It's, it's a long walk, but it, but I hit the water and I feel a sting on my finger as I hit the water. I'm getting off the stairs, off the boat.

And I'm like, ah, fuck. But I can't see anything because my hands are above my head. Like I'm going down to the watering hole to fill up the watering can. And then I'm walking it back up to the village, right? On top of my head with all of our shit. And the water's just about to my chin. And Joey's a little bit taller than me.

So about the same. The girls have to swim. And we very, very slowly walk onto the beach holding everything amidst all of these like sunbathers and people playing beach volleyball and jet skis.

Where do they think you came from? Yeah, and we're like, we look like refugees, you know, just coming in from open ocean, like a long walk in and we get to the beach, and I fucking put that stuff on the ground for a second, and I'm like, oh my God.

And I look at my hand, and my hand is covered in blood. And I'm like, what the fuck? My left finger, I see on my left finger, on my pinky finger, the area to the left of the nail, I guess it got caught on the stairs,

and it's just ripped a gash open where like a giant chunk of my flesh is pulled open and it's just shooting blood out. And I'm like, ah, fuck. So I'm like, I'm not getting stitches or anything, right? And so I just like I eventually get a band-aid and put it on and then I have to deal with that for the rest of the trip.

But then we just fucking take a cab from that point. We just walk up to a cab, take a cab back to the dock, get in our golf cart and go home. Now, the thing that I didn't mention that I couldn't tell you is I woke up that night, the morning of that trip at three in the morning with a nightmare.

And Emily happened to wake up too. And she goes, what's wrong? And I go, I have a nightmare. I had a nightmare. It was really serious. And she goes, well, what was your nightmare? And I go, I dreamed we were out in the boat and we got stuck like open water

and there was nobody to rescue us and we were just floating there forever and then eventually we died. And she's like, well, that's not gonna happen. Go back to bed. So there was this like underlying tension. Did you ever like give each other little looks? Yeah, the whole trip, the whole time.

Yeah, yeah, the whole time. Nobody wanted to mention it. No, so I think I did it. Okay. All right. I hope I covered that properly. Oh, and I don't know if it's, if it's, if it's been apparent at any point, but at no point in this six, it was over six hours, seven hours.

Did I see a whale shark? I would love to see like the GPS path on a, on a map of where the hell you went. I'd love to know at what point was the GPS tracking a phone in a shoe flying 30 feet between two people. Oh my God, dude. There was about an hour where I thought we were going to die and about 30 minutes in the middle of that where I wanted it. about 30 minutes in the middle of that where I wanted it. I was just so nauseous and unhappy and just beat to hell from the sun and just starving but nauseous and just bruised.

You paid to do that. Yeah, we didn't get a refund. They wouldn't give us a refund. What a disaster. How many days in was that to your trip? That was day three of seven, I think, or six. Okay, so nice in the middle. Yeah. What a bonding experience, though.

Yeah. Yeah, we all, I mean, we bonded over tragedy. Dude, I'm telling you, having a guy scream, go, go now, when you are not ready to get in an open ocean and swim 30 feet to another boat and not sure what's supposed to happen when you get there

is not a fun experience. I just don't understand how whenever there are instructions for you to get in the sea or get in the boat or switch boats, why was it always so frantic? We don't know. I don't know.

Don't understand. I don't know. I don't know. I wish I could tell you, but I'll tell you this. We've all agreed. Nobody was up for it by the end of the trip. So we were exhausted,

but we're all getting go, go now tattoos because that's all we said to each other for the rest of the trip. Go, go now. Anytime, anything you want to go, you want to go get dinner? Go, go now. Cause that's all we said to each other for the rest of the trip go go now anytime anything you want to go you want to go get dinner go go now because it it was i will hear that on my deathbed go go now i'll never forget that man those two men screaming that those two times

in the way that they were screaming that i was half expecting like an out of control boat with no brakes just coming hurtling towards you and he was like jump out of it i'm starting to wonder it's like what was the boat gonna catch fire any second like were we like as we were as we were boat as we were like fucking speeding away i kept waiting to see if there was like a little little mushroom cloud behind me you know uh like i don't know if they were just like the guys were just stressed the fuck out because they were also 40 or 50 miles out into open ocean with a boat that didn't work and they didn't know how to get back or what,

but, and they couldn't fix it. But God fucking damn it, dude, that was not the place to be. And it was not a fun experience. And I... Not the place to be for the whale sharks, apparently, either. No.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm kind of glad I didn't see him because what was, it felt gross when we were out there. There's like a ton of people in the water. There's a million boats and people are throwing up left and right. I was like, man, if I was a whale shark, I wouldn't come within a thousand miles of this shit. You know?

So how long were you in the water total? I was in the water for about a minute going from one end of the boat to the other while the guy screamed, no sharks here, no sharks here. one end of the boat to the other while the guy screamed, no sharks here, no sharks here. And then, uh, and then I was in the water for the, for the,

uh, for the daring mid ocean rescue, maybe 90 seconds to maybe take 90 seconds. So the rescue was longer than the whale shark. Yes. The rescue was longer than the whale shark experience. And there wasn't a whale shark experience for Joey and Tamara. They never got in the water. So their, their experience was only the shark experience. And there wasn't a whale shark experience for Joey and Tamara. They never got in the water.

So their experience was only the rescue experience. And then the 45 minutes of just getting, of having somebody spray a garden hose in your face on the way home. That sounds so miserable. It's terrible. That's horrendous. Great Jeff vacation. Yeah. Yeah, they're never they're

rarely boring uh and i realize we're at right about an hour uh that was only the first two of my one two three four five six things so let me hit you up with backpack real fast this is a quick one uh we're coming up coming home from mexico uh trip home all kinds of fucked up global entry isn't working right mobile Mobile passport isn't working right. I get it. It's like COVID issues, right? But so it was kind of a stressful trip home. You know what it's like coming in,

going through immigration, all that stuff. We finally get there. We land in Dallas. We land in, Gavin, you know, we land in D24 and I got to go to B7 or something, right? Getting some Skyrail. So it's like five stops on the Skyrail. So we get up. Emily and I are both exhausted. We? Getting some Skyrail. So it's like five stops on the Skyrail. So we get up.

Emily and I are both exhausted. We just missed the Skyrail. She's like, I'm gonna go sit on that bench and wait for the next one. So she goes over and sits on the bench. I'm like, fuck it. I'll go sit next to her. I go sit next to her too.

Immediately the thing shows up. So we walk over, get on it, go one stop, two stops, three stops, fourth stop, fifth stop. We get off. I go to get get up i go to grab my bag i don't have a bag and where the fuck is my backpack oh my god i think i did i leave it on the park bench it's the only thing that makes sense so i look at emily we have 17 minutes for our flight boards i'm like i gotta go back i just run out of the sky tram across the hallway to the

other one hop on the other one go the five slowest scariest stops back bolt out of the SkyTram across the hallway to the other one, hop on the other one, go the five slowest, scariest stops back, bolt out of that thing. My backpack's just sitting there waiting for me, completely and totally ignored by everybody else on the airport. I cannot believe it. I got it back. It had my driver's license in it. It had my wallet.

It had all of my money. It had my laptop. It had my passport. It had my phone. It had everything in it so where was this like right right by the sky was it skyline right by there or was it like downstairs no upstairs in the sky link i think it's the only thing that saved me is no security or anybody's ever fucking around in the sky link right because nobody's ever in there yeah you just stand there

for 30 seconds so there's nobody there's never a chance for people to mill around and notice it so i think that was the only thing that saved it. But yeah, it was like to me like maybe 10, 12 minutes to get back and it was there. And that's the end of my vacation. I'm blown away that that was still there. A loose backpack at an airport doesn't last long. No, it does not. But the gods were smiling on me that day.

The joy of your vacation wasn't the events that happened. It's the things that didn't in the tragedy of the other experiences that's the only joy outside of manhands that sounds like it was a great time oh but beyond that you're just avoiding tragedy or is the highlight of your vacation oh i never want to go anywhere with you oh no yeah i i don't blame you i don't blame you. I don't blame you. How the fuck did that happen, dude? How did I get an hour? I had 50 miles in the ocean on a tiny little, like, Gilligan's Island. Like, the skipper's boat in Gilligan's Island is massive compared to this dinky little thing we were on.

And we were out there for fucking floating around for, like, seven hours when it was all said and done. It's a terrifying experience. I've been out on a pretty small boat, you you know far enough away that you can't see any land where like your phone's not working there's no signal it is uh it's scary yeah because you realize not a lot of stuff has to go wrong and you're in serious like life-threatening trouble yeah one one thing has to go wrong. A hole. That's it.

How long would you have had to have spent out there for you to eat the ham and mayo sandwich? I don't think I could have ever eaten again. I have never experienced nausea like that. And I'm not a nausea. I realize I just got nauseous on roller coasters like three weeks ago in Florida or a month ago in Florida. But that had way more to do with like particular stresses in my life and the trip than the roller coaster i think uh but i have i have i wouldn't say i have

like an iron stomach by any means but i don't get nauseous i don't get seasick and i have never in my life experienced discomfort like that i would do just about anything to never feel that way again. Oh, amazing. Absolutely amazing. So real relaxing vacation, came back totally recharged and ready to retackle life. I would have said based on our last recordings that you needed the vacation.

I don't think you needed that vacation. I also don't think I needed that vacation. Or at least not that portion of it. And dude, we're not going to get into it now because we're about to end this fucker, but we'll start up the, I'm going to get a drink and then we'll start it up. And then I'll tell you all the other shit I have happened today.

Just today. All right, let's wrap it up. Let's get straight to the next one. All right, this has been a F*** Face production. Thanks for f***ing your face for the last hour. F*** you next week. I feel like in this recording

Andrew and I were the first engine that broke down and Jeff was the one that had to do all the work. Oh my god, dude. Oh my god. Why didn't they turn around? We knew there was a problem 10 minutes into this seven-hour hell journey. Why didn't they turn around?

I just keep thinking about what was happening in my life while you're experiencing that. Was I just preheating a pizza? What mundane, uneventful thing? And then just cut to a guy yelling at you, Go now! Go, go, go go go go go now I was probably scratching my ass watching the movie

oh by the way I feel like we should mention we do have a YouTube channel now and all these are on YouTube if you ever want to listen on YouTube as everybody loves to do to audio podcasts but we also put the break show up there so if you ever wanted to watch the break show and you couldn't figure out how to navigate the Rooster Teeth site you can do it on YouTube are we loves to do to audio podcasts. But we also put the break show up there. So if you ever wanted to watch the break show

and you couldn't figure out how to navigate the Rooster Teeth site, you can do it on YouTube. Are we putting the old episodes up? I don't know. I don't know.

I guess at some point we should. I think we should. Yeah. Yeah. They're doing pretty well. But I've had a lot of people ask me if it's

the official channel or if it's like somebody ripping us off. And no, nobody wants to rip us off. It is us. We're ripping ourselves off. All right. See you ourselves off. All right.

See you next time. All right. Love you guys. See you next week. Bye.