F**kface - Gut Full of Tots // Child Picking Day [61]

Episode Date: July 28, 2021

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about Geoff not participating in the sauce segment under protest, a chunky chutney of cheese, betting in Vegas, and Scripps National Spelling Bee. Want to contribute to bits? Email what you can do to [e-mail] Sponsored by BetterHelp (http://betterhelp.com/face), Camp Betrayal (Only on Rooster Teeth), and HelloFresh (http://hellofresh.com/face14 and use code face14) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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hellofresh.com slash face14. This is a Rooster Teeth production. Hello and welcome to another episode of F*** Face. My name is Jeff Ramsey and with me as always, my constant companions, Gavin Free and Andrew Panton. Hello! And not to be forgotten, our sound engineer, Nick, and then Eric, the producer. Those guys, they're there too. They matter. So please don't forget them.

Leave them, don't forget them in your prayers every night when you go to bed and you pray for us. And it's important. Nick, I feel like, is going to have a big role in this episode to an extent. I mean, he automatically will because of one aspect, but we're going to have to have some clarifications. I got a gut full of tots. Do you?

I guess we should explain that, right? Do we want to just immediately go into? Yeah, I think we should. It's been the highlight of the week between recordings for sure we had an argument like a weirdly i don't like just more of a bizarre i don't even know how to classify it i'll be honest i'm blown away that jeff is here today that is true what happened in the slack this is my job and i take my job extremely seriously i think I would argue I take my job more seriously than anybody who works in our company. Yeah, I would agree.

So the idea that I would not show up to do my job is insulting. Well, not insult in the context of you're under protest right now. I'm protesting a specific bit on the show, but that doesn't preclude me from participating in the show. I won't be participating in that segment. I've registered an official complaint, and that's fine. But it's not my show. It's our show. I'm merely a piece, a wedge in the pie, as it were.

So if you guys want to do that segment right now, I encourage you to do it, and I will cede the floor to you. So you're selectively not showing up? No, I'm here. I can't contribute to this segment, but I'll sit here, I'll listen. What good are you if you're here, but you're not going to contribute to the show? I'm contributing to the show. I can't contribute to this segment because I'm protesting it, but it's part of the show i don't understand i also i just don't understand the protest we gotta get into it andrew where did this begin oh well this began with you it's sort of as mentioned when you were

telling your fly stories several episodes ago you've been re-watching breaking bad i have and there is a an intro i believe to one of the episodes where a character is eating a bunch of dipping sauces yeah you sort of reveal the uh the boss behind the main boss of the previous season is yes the company called madrigal in germany and the episode opens with a guy tucking into some honey mustard and uh i just took a picture of the screen and said it's andrew and i just said is this your favorite scene for breaking because he's been on a honey mustard tear recently i don't i mean it's just come up naturally quite a bit i don't feel like i'm on a tear i don't think we're like i've been excessive

about it just it's there have been windows to talk about it and it has come up, but it extended. So Gavin sent me that. And then we're I don't know how we got on the subject of it. We're talking about like ideal dipping sauces. And if you are making a sauce because they made a sauce called French for Breaking Bad. And so we're talking about like what would be your mix? And it just turned into a thing of, oh, we should make sauces. We did a salad thing last

week we could do a condiment thing this week it'd be kind of like a fun dumb thing or whatever yeah so we got into a conversation of what's the best condiment and then we got into this whole other thing of like well what we need to know what's being used with the condiment because like a burger sauce is different to like a nug dipping sauce and i was talking about tots at one point and we eventually settled on we're going to be dipping tots into this condiment yeah well we want you wanted to make something specifically for tots so then i said i wanted to make something i didn't want to make a completely different sauce item so i figured i'd make that we could both make our sauces and because it was like a goofy fun thing we opened it up to everybody and

It was a mistake apparently Well should we read through what the what the people's sources were? We could do that, or do you want to first go through the protest and how we got to that point? Well, I feel like if we read through all of the submitted sources, ending in Jeff's, we'll all reveal the protest. Okay, that's fair. Nick submitted base ketchup, about two ounces,

one squirt Dijon mustard, one squirt mayo, two dashes of Louisiana hot sauce. I actually submitted mine first, so mine was just a very basic combination. I didn't really go too much into it. Mine was in ratios. Mine was two thirds ketchup, one third horseradish, and then a little splash of lemon.

Andrew's was two teaspoons of hot sauce, one teaspoon barbecue sauce, one teaspoon honey mustard, one teaspoon ketchup, one teaspoon maple syrup, half teaspoon red chili flakes. up one teaspoon maple syrup half teaspoon red chili flakes and i should point out that he originally wrote one eighth teaspoon of pineapple juice at that point you're into drops just a teardrop you might as well write 380 fourths of a cup of pineapple juice yeah you upped it to a one half teaspoon of pineapple juice. I did. Okay. It was a process. Then we get on to Jeff's submission. Well, Jeff technically submitted two,

and I will say that there's some confusion mainly over his first submission. Okay. This is the one I've got in front of me. Okay. Sprinkle hot sauce with light dusting of chili powder. You've already got it wrong. You said hot sauce? I said hot tots. Sprinkle hot tots. You dusting of chili powder. You've already got it wrong. You said hot sauce? I said hot tots.

Sprinkle hot tots. You can't even read, you idiot. All right, all right, let me read. I've got the sauce on the brain. Okay. Sprinkle hot tots with a light dusting of chili powder. It won't take much. Then combine shredded pepper jack cheese with crisped up cube pancetta.

Hard sauteed diced onions and some thin sliced chives. And coat the tots. Done. That sounds delicious. My problem when I read that. It sounds like a wonderful side. It's a great side item. I wasn't sure where the sauce was in that.

I didn't see the condiment in there it was i actually read them all out to meg and i read jeff's and she was like come on wikipedia lists under condiments cheese i then modified because you guys mentioned that it didn't sound like a condiment I modified it I replaced the shredded cheese with nacho cheese which I would also point out is listed as an official condiment

under the condiment section of Wikipedia I would also like to read the definition of the fucking word condiment from Merriam-Webster definition of condiment something used to Webster. Definition of condiment. Something used to enhance the flavor of a fucking food. Now, allow me to read the definition of condiment

from dictionary.fucking.com. Something used to give a special flavor to food as mustard, ketchup, salt, or spices. Let me then read the definition of condiment from the Cambridge fucking dictionary which listed as a substance such as salt that you add to a food to improve its taste. Then let me read to you from Gordon Ramsay's Cumberland sauce recipe, which he lists as maybe you've heard of Cumberland sauce.

Gavin, you're British. I haven't, but he lists it as a popular holiday condiment that then includes vegetable oil, minced onions, currant jelly, two oranges, lemon, red wine, orange juice, lemon juice,

black pepper, brown sugar, dry mustard, cayenne pepper, ground ginger, all reduced together. That seems pretty complicated and requires some cooking. Then let me read an article I read on thekitchen.com about how condiments aren't a one-size-fits-all item. And they went ahead and they interviewed some of the best chefs in the world. I'm going to pull from Barry DeCake, the chef at Scotch Apes Prime in the Palms Resort Casino, who says, I truly feel condiments are more than just the average ketchup,

mustard, relish, and mayo. As a chef, I like being creative and making different sauces for topping sandwiches. Flavored aiolis, house-made steak sauces, pickled shallot relishes, creamy mustards, and new spins on ketchup like scotch infused. I also love creamy avocado dressing and seasoned hummus. Make it smooth, make it chunky,

you're the chef, the sky is the limit with condiments. I thought I was the chef, but I guess I'm fucking not. I just like that your instructions start with, put powder on the tots. Yeah, it's a weird combination. It's, it's, mmm.

So I think you have some points, Jeff. I think you just worded your initial recipe terribly. It was confusing weird combination. It's, it's, mmm. So I think you have some points, Jeff. I think you just worded your initial recipe terribly. It was confusing to read. I wasn't sure where the sauce was. This also just reads like a side. Like, are you, I didn't understand if you were reducing it or if you were putting this on as a topping was sort of my initial reaction to it.

I think this sounds delicious. It sounds very gourmet. I think it sounds good delicious it sounds we just took an issue with the format and um it resulted in jeff storming out of the slack channel you know we were hitting him pretty hard on the way out at one point i said i would like to change my condiment my second second condiment is an eggs Benedict. I think what you submitted, Jeff, would be a side version of the tater tots dish. Like you have your base tater tots and then you pay a dollar fifty and it comes with what you've added to it. I don't think this is a base condiment. Even if you, let's say, argue that it is is i don't think it's within the spirit of what we all submitted i think you went very gourmet i took a picture of all three sources and they would all

fit in a little plastic you know like like your mcdonald's sources that you've got they would all fit in there i just don't know how you so the people at home know jeff is disconnected i don't he just quit he just he just quit i'm baffled by it because i was going to eventually get to a point where i think jeff was in the right to an extent i think his first recipe is absurd but i think once he clarified it's a cheese sauce uh i think that's a fair submission he's gone offline not not really within the spirit i think he's off the grid now i think this was the thing that drove him to go like live in the woods this is it we did it i think pushed him over the edge and we didn't even know we were doing it you have to text him you guys have somebody has to text him. Somebody has to text him.

Look, we have to... All these sauces were made. Sauces that seemed good. I made three sauces. I'm excited to try them. I got my tater tots. Have you got it already? You're going to try it live?

I've pre-tried mine and I already have my verdict. But I feel like Jeff's wouldn't fit in a little plastic pot. Well, yeah, it's mostly because it wasn't a sauce. Yeah, like it's not the tots are in there. Even if it did, like storing a cheese sauce in a container seems complicated. I'm not sure like the logistics of like it not just hardening. I don't know how you do that unless you like completely manipulate the sauce to the point where it's no longer cheese. So do you want to do you want to try them live now on the episode?

Yeah, I figured that's what we do. no longer cheese so do you want to do you want to try them live now on the episode yeah i figured that's what we do i haven't tried i'm interested to hear your your process with this should we get jeff back he just texted me and he said my discord died and i said do you have internet i mean he did go offline i feel like the comic value comes from just leaving the call if he actually got kicked out of the recording at that time, it's absolutely perfect. It is a hell of a coincidence. I did not expect this episode to go like this. No.

He can't get in. He sent me a movie of just Discord spinning and checking. like can't get in he sent me a movie of just discord spinning and so we do a 10 count that jeff like agrees with us unless he could get in here in 10 seconds like a wrestling thing he's out of the ring right now yeah 10 seconds at this point oh he's back oh he's back all right i'm back sorry welcome back i lost my internet how much money would it cost to make yours, Jeff? That's a great question. I feel like it's like 15 bucks worth of ingredients. I didn't realize there was a price limit on how much it cost. How much did it?

No, I will say, I'm on Jeff's side. I'm on Jeff's side with that question. That doesn't have anything to do with a recipe. I mean, if you had to buy all of the ingredients, if you had to buy all of the ingredients that Andrew just listed, it would cost more than nacho cheese and pancetta. I guarantee you that. He had like nine fucking

ingredients. By the way, have you guys ever read the ingredients? Like you were acting like it was overcomplicated. Have you ever read the ingredients of fucking ketchup? There's like 11 ingredients in ketchup alone, you idiots. There's a lot. So first of all, I was confused by it. I never said it was bad.

I've gone as far. I've said multiple times, what you submitted sounds delicious. I just wasn't sure it was in the spirit of what was said. I also just didn't understand the first part where I need to, I will apologize to you. I missed the nacho cheese sauce comment.

I was just baffled by the complexity of the sauce. But I made a thing yesterday because sauce is confusing. I made a saucogram. I know we could have a conversation about how we feel about this. Cheese sauce, I think, fits in the criteria of dipping sauce.

It's just it was complicated. So you have different tiers of sauce. You have your dressings, you have your sauce and you have your dipping sauce. I think cheese sauce falls under the category of a mix between a sauce and a dipping sauce i think your recipe is valid i was just confused by the presentation is a strange it was a strange interaction i'd say hey jeff jeff when you said sprinkle cheese on the tater tots did you think this is where it was gonna go no i was trying to make a

delicious sauce that maybe i was trying to think outside the boss and or outside the box and do a cheese based sauce i thought that would be interesting a lot of people when they eat tater tots they like to have like cheddar cheese and bacon and all that stuff on it and i thought why not uh do the plussed up version of bacon and cut up tiny little chunks of pancetta, crisp them up, and then mix them in with the cheese with a little chili flavoring and some minced onions that are also sauteed,

much like a chutney, which is considered a condiment. It's an official condiment. It's a chunky chutney of cheese is what I had created that I thought was very in the spirit of it's certainly in the dictionary definition of condiment. And at one point, Andrew even said, I think it sounds delicious, but what you've described is not a condiment. It's a sauce. So then I had to explain

to him. So he obviously understood it as a sauce. So then I had to prove to him that a sauce is a condiment. And that's when he realized he had no leg to stand on well it's just i just don't feel like it fit the spirit of what we were doing it's i didn't realize that the spirit of what we were doing was to combine the hard work of the heinz corporation with the hard work of the french's corporation and then call it our thing i tried to create i tried to actually create with a real, a condiment. I didn't try to combine two fucking things that have logos on them that were already made in a lab by scientists into one other thing and then go, look, I invented some bullshit.

To be fair, and you don't have context for this, this was all started because of French, which is literally just French dressing mixed with French. Yeah, the original question was, which condiments would you mix together Yeah, the original question was which condiments would you mix together to make the ultimate condiment? Yeah, that's not what was presented to me. I think we left that bit out of the important intro.

I think we did. I think that was the context that was maybe lacking. We were all thinking within that framework, and you came in with something very gourmet. I still don't think it's a sauce. I think it's a side. It's a side dish that you made. It's like, it's coleslaw salad. don't think it's a sauce. I think it's a side. It's a side dish that you made.

It's like it's coleslaw salad. I think technically is a salad, but you don't view it as a salad, but it is technically a salad. I think it's the same type of thing. Technically, you're technically correct, but I technically correct is the only correct. I'm correct in the only sense.

I will say that if you came to me and you said and I came to you and I said I would like you to design what you think is the best salad. And then you came back to me with coleslaw and said, it's a salad. And I said, you are correct. It is a salad. And if that's what you think is the best salad, then that meets the letter of the terms of the competition that we had. How are we going back to Andrew making salads? I don't.

Well, it's the coleslaw comparison yeah yeah i will say like i i where i screwed up jeff as i missed the nacho cheese line on your second recipe submission your first one second recipe where was that that was in our text chain uh yeah i don't have that text i don't think that came through on my i don't know i never know what we're talking about on our text that text. I don't think that came through on my... I don't know. I never know what we're talking about on our text. That text didn't appear? Anyway, I surmise that you guys have created

each other's sauces and are now going to test them to determine which is the best one. I think that's a great bit for this show. We are hammering the food stuff really hard. The audience is loving it. I'm loving it. So I... Without further ado, I think you guys should dive right in. Let's get saucy.

Let's get condimental. You guys did all the hard work of buying two things and then mixing them together with a spoon. I don't want the audience to miss out on that joy. Let's find out. No, the fucking thrill of combining a salad out of a mixer. That was,

that was exciting. That's as exciting as mixing sauces it's the same i don't understand how this is different than the salad thing i will say i tried my sauce it's not very good i wouldn't put my sauce very high all right are you eating this i'm eating the sauces right now i'm trying them it's i'm sorry it's all this and you the first thing you do after you eat your sauce is you just go, yeah, mine sucked. Yeah, it's not very good.

I mean, I passed the torch to you guys to let you run with it and that's what you did. You immediately shit on your sauce. I don't know what to do for you guys. Nick's sauce is delicious. I like Nick's sauce quite a bit. Nick, you made a great sauce.

Okay, so you've tried yours and you've tried Nick's. I've tried Nick's and yeah, mine. I tried yours, Gavin. I don't know know about yours Gavin. I'm a little nervous. I discovered, I made a discovery with mine. Oh fuck, this is, this sucks. This is way worse. Your sauce is terrible. Oh my god. So I accidentally made, I made like prawn cocktail sauce. I made like shrimp cocktail dippings. It's exactly the same. I didn't realize what I was making.

It sounded good in my head. And then I was like, oh, this isn't a, I'm not holding a shrimp. I've got a tart and it's weird. Nick's was, in my opinion, phenomenal. Nick's was great. It was like a professional sauce. Yours, Andrew, was, I. Nick's was great. It was like a professional sauce. Yours, Andrew, was... I rated yours even below mine.

I would not put mine below yours. I would say yours, this is the difference between our sauces. They're both bad. There's a version of my sauce that's good. It's just not what it is. There's a combination there that you could find. I think there's a balance where that could be a decent sauce yours is what it is i don't think there's

any balancing of like the ingredients you have that would adjust beyond the sauce that it is yours um i think the syrup is wrecking yours in my opinion it could i didn't know how to like i was trying it that was the journey of like not not knowing how make sauce, just being an idiot, and just being like, I don't like how this tastes. What can I do to balance this in a different way? And just constantly adding more stuff. For me, yours had the consistency issue, too. It was a bit more watery. Liquidy.

Yeah, it was definitely the most liquidy of them all. Nick definitely made the best sauce, which I think should be expected. Can I ask a hypothetical? Of course. Hypothetically, sauce which i think should be expected um can i ask a hypothetical can i ask a hypothetical of course um hypothetically uh take it removing nick sauce from the situation just um just using the three hosts as their sauces if you were to also make jeff sauce where do you think it would have ranked compared to uh your two sauces uh probably at the top. Number one, yeah. I'd say that Jeff's would be the best thing. It just, yeah, by far.

I never said it wasn't delicious. We'll never know. I could still make it, as a side. No, I was boycotting the contest. I wasn't given the other sauces to make, so I wasn't going to make just mine.

Well, I was just wondering if you'd pre-tested it. No, I invented it on the spot. I'd never considered putting those ingredients together before. It was created for the moment. Hmm. I'm going to try to make Jeff's sauce. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy.

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I'm in it. All right, so should we do the intro and get going? Yeah, let's start the episode. All right. What about outside of sauce, Jeff? Jeff and I, I felt like Jeff and I had a really good friendship weekend. Did we? I did, I felt that way.

I felt we were, Jeff was away. Oh, you know what? I did. I felt that way. I felt we were. Jeff was away. Oh, you know what? I'm sorry. I have been so blinded by by condiment rage and indignation. I forgot. We had a lovely. We had a great weekend. We had a lovely correspond wild weekend.

You are 100 100 percent right. And I apologize. We hockey. We gambled. We watched sports. It it was fun we hadn't watched like a basketball game together in a while that was great Jeff on the phone with each other or just text yeah we're like texting back and forth yeah Jeff like had a whole betting sheet and I copied his bets we were in it together it was fun you know I don't I don't gamble and I

certainly don't drink anymore but I do love Las Vegas for the shows and for the spectacle. And I do like to bet on sports. My girlfriend likes to bet on sports. And so this weekend we went to Vegas. I did a bunch of stuff. I got to go to a Tom Segura comedy show. I got to go to the new Meow Wolf. But the big thing for me was sitting in the sports book and betting on the hockey game.

Oh, boy, did I lose money on the hockey game. a sports book and betting on the hockey game oh boy did i lose money on the hockey and uh betting on the the betting on this uh on the ec or the wcf uh and which i won a bunch of money on and then uh betting on horses i had a run i won i correctly bet the winner four out of five horse races holy shit yeah i was i was on fire i will say that the hockey bet was great because jeff just sent me what his bet was and he's like how you feel about this and i was i was on fire i will say that the hockey bet was great because jeff just sent me what his bet was and he's like how you feel about this and i was like i love this bet this is a great bet because i feel great about this event and that's what i do i was fucked my lot yeah i accidentally put jeff in a terrible position or no i did with basketball on both days i did i

fucked you on both days i apologize but i was like this is a great bet i love it montreal at home i feel like they're not going to get swept and i was right they would win one home game but it was just the wrong one within like 10 seconds of the game they score a goal tapas scores on montreal jeff's immediately down i felt bad i think by what they scored two goals within like the first five minutes of the game. Yeah. And Andrew's going, it's OK. 2-0 is the worst lead to have. They're bound to come back. It's like a cliche in hockey that statistically isn't at all true.

But it's like, yeah, 2-0, most dangerous lead. And then they would score another and be like, oh, now they're really in trouble. 3-0. You don't want that. It's a terrible lead. It was brutal. There's hope. There's hope for a little bit.

And it quickly faded. But then it bounced back. I don't know. Like when the horse racing run kicked off. I don't know when you got hot. But basketball. It was the next day. It was the next day. Yeah.

Okay. Did you have like a scheme for horse? Like what was your strategy for horse racing? You know, listen, a successful horseman is only as successful as the secrets he keeps. I can't list out all. What's a horseman? No, a horseman is a man who bets on the horses. And if I let my tactics get out, then everybody's going to use them.

Then the whole horse industry might change. So I got to keep some stuff a little close to the vest. Fair enough. We then, I put Jeff in a real dilemma, gavin when we bet basketball because i am a amazing loser i am fantastic at losing sports bets and do you expect to lose uh yeah yeah i do i i go in the when i make a bet on a sporting event it's not about making money it's about the pain of of later like it's the the hope and pain I'm really paying for the experience of disappointment mainly. And so Jeff sent me this list of like nine or 10 bets that he made. And my first comment was, there's no way these all lose, which is a horrible jinx. But it's just

how I felt at the time. Then I even screwed him further, though, because I was going to match his bets and take all of his bets. And I said, if you want, I can fade you because I always lose. So if I bet the opposite of you, that might increase your odds of winning. But at this point I've jinxed you. So I don't know what's worse. And, uh,

Jeff just chose the great option of, he wants us all to sink. If we're sinking, he wants, so I matched his bets. Yep. And it was positive. We won more than we lost on those bets.

Yeah. Uh, you know what they say? a sinking tide lowers all ships that's how uh but it's not about winning you know it was you know these are ten dollar five dollar bets it's not like it's real money oh i had yeah mine was ten cents per per nba bet but i was okay i think i think mine were five dollar bets uh but uh it's more just like the fun of doing it. And honestly, half of the reason why I like to do it is to sit in that sports room with all the TVs and just watch the fucking weirdos that come in and bet. Like, it is.

It's great. It's like a bus station in there, just the people that meander through. It's an interesting cross-section of humanity. So I've never bet on horses, but I feel like my horse betting philosophy would be the same as my child-picking philosophy. You said your child-kicking philosophy?

Child-picking, not child-kicking. I've never kicked a child, Jeff. I could have sworn you said child-kicking. I've never kicked a child. I never would, but my child-picking. Did you hear that? Man, that was close to an admission. No, it wasn't even close.

I said picking. It was very clear. You can hear on my audio. Distinctly clear. Child picking. Today is one of my favorite days of the year. It is like a holiday to me. This is the day you pick children?

I am so excited. Is it child picking day? Yesterday was child picking day, Jeff. This is the event for the child picking. Today is Scripps National Spelling Bee. What a time. What an exciting process. I watch it every year.

It's how my fantasy football league determines our draft order. So everybody picks a kid. There was a whole process. I didn't get my number one on the board. I was outraged about it. I was very pissed. I got my number two, though. So I believe I got some hope.

But tonight is the spelling bee. And so the order in which the kids are eliminated determined the picking order for our league. So tonight I'll be in a group chat with 11 other people who are all in their 30s, adults being irrationally furious at kids spelling. Cannot wait. It's one of my favorite days of the year. The oldest the oldest you can be for scripts national spelling bee is 14 years old most of them are like 12 so it's like all these adults just angrily watching 12 year olds try to spell it's sort of where are you in the uh the kicking order uh what do you what do you mean

in the kicking order the picking order picking order left again no no i'm here. I'm here. I picked a child named Vincit wasn't who I wanted. What I was getting to at the point, I feel like I really want to. I forget his name. There's one child who was sponsored by the Carolina

Panthers, which I've never seen before. That's always like another spelling bee or a newspaper. There is one guy that's just like, no, Carolina Panthers. And since we're doing a fantasy football thing, it's like this is destiny is destiny gotta go with that can can we sponsor a that's such a

great idea i don't know how that works i'd love to that'd be great we must be able to try and do that how do i'll have to look into this but i love to save up our weekly episode budget, like pocket money, by next year we might have enough. I feel like we are the coins that fall in the couch of the overall. That's the budget. Whatever coins happen to fall through. Assuming the person that we pick doesn't win, whatever word they misspell to get out on, we should just make that a shirt. absolutely a misspelled shirt that's how we that's how we recoup our investment uh well i'd recoup it just personally enjoy i guess it's not my investment but the word is

condiment the word is honey mustard that's two words that is true that is that was a bad example it's a terrible example but it's great i would recommend you both watch the scripts national spelling bee tonight how on earth do i watch that it's on espn i got like by television to see that i guess yeah do you have no television watching options no okay well then i guess i don't know how you'd watch it. Maybe if you watch it, you could just... I'll live text you. Yeah, I'll keep you updated on how the bitch is doing.

That's my evening. How about you guys? What am I going to do tonight? Yeah, just what's happening? You seem very defeated today, Jeff. Well, listen. It's been a week,. It's been a week. It's been a day.

Tonight, I'm going to go host First Night for RTX. Oh, shit. That's exciting. As soon as I'm done here, I'm going to go do that. Yay. That's great. What about you, Gavin? I'm playing board games.

Yay. What board games are you playing bye what what this episode is just so weird and you asked what board games are you playing and you said yeah you said bye I'm playing pandemic okay I've never played that game I haven't either have you played it before yeah we I've started like a legacy. We're like two rounds in. I don't know what that means. Yeah, it's a co-op game.

It's like teamwork. It's good. It's good so far. Are you a board game guy? I'm becoming a board game guy. I feel like I've only recently discovered that board games can be like video games in the way that they're interesting.

Because I think of board games i just think of like monopoly and mousetrap and shit and it's just like oh yeah no they're better than there's some good stuff out there there's some stuff that takes like 12 hours to finish and stuff over like multiple segments are you shitting on clue clue is a great board game you're like monopolies you think you don't think clue is a great board game it's a murder mystery i hate that game what do you hate about oh you get a notepad. You can ask questions. It's great. Clue is never as fun as it promises to be. It's frustrating. I want Clue to be better every time I play it. It's a game where the box looks more interesting than the game.

Yeah. Well, okay. I had a pretty cool Clue box. It was made out of wood. So I don't know if that's a fair comparison. It was a pretty sweet box. It'd be tough for any game to live up to the design of the box I had for clue. Jeff, do you remember the English name for clue? Cluedo. Action man. Cluedo.

Cluedo. And listen, by the way, I don't mean I'm not talking shit about clue, but I am acknowledging the limitations of clue. I'm a fan of clue. I consider myself a clue, a cluniac, as we call ourselves. I even, you know, I've been trying to get a Clue tentpole show like Hardcore Monopoly, Hardcore Clue made at Rooster Teeth for years. But I have to agree with Gavin that it under delivers when you sit down to play it.

I don't, you know what I think it is, is I haven't ventured into like the actual complex adult board games. Like the more, the pandemics of the world i haven't i haven't played that i'm i'm really like restricted to monopoly the classic favorite so like my comparables is like candy land is bullshit but my peak is something like clue so i just think i i have a narrow range sounds like we need to get you involved we need to have a board game night when we go up to canada maybe that'll be the reward if we can find your your front door man the list of shit we've got to do when we arrive in canada is getting really long yeah we're gonna be very busy maybe while maybe while like the

bondo is drying on our bathtub uh we can hammer out a game of clue is that on again this year i don't know it happened happened. Oh, it happened? I think it was last month. It happens in July, typically, but it would be weird if you know... Everything has been shut down here, so I'd be surprised. Maybe next year.

Maybe 2022 is our bath year. It's going to have to be next year, because I feel like the audience alerted me to the fact that it happened already. Famous Nanaimo bathtub race cancelled on June 5th, 2021 so did they also cancel the cheese rolling didn't you like pick the cheese or something i did yes there was a whole cheese thing that was season one that was the only time that yeah that never happened sadly i think i

think we should go to that at some point we should go to cheese rolling can we sponsor a cheese could could that be like the later thing is this evolution of face we just start sponsoring things just see the face logo tumbling down a hill yeah i think we gotta slowly build to like an actual fast sport like we're gonna start with the cheese and then we're gonna go to the bathtub race and then maybe eventually i don't know a car sponsor and then we've got the face sponsored kid i think we should just sponsor the weirdest stuff. I would love that. There's nothing I love more than like getting into a thing that I know nothing about,

especially if I can gamble on it. Like Russian handball. Yeah, like handball was like such a fun two weeks of like getting in. I've never watched it again. I followed the Brazilian goalie on Twitter because their performance was amazing. Ridiculously talented. I'll never think about handball again. But yeah the Brazilian goalie on Twitter because their performance was amazing. Ridiculously talented. I'll never think about handball again, but yeah. If we could get into weird sports,

I'm all about it. I got a question for you guys. Okay. As of today, I now have 100 full-size baseball bats. 900 bat knobs on my kitchen table for some reason,

and 1,000 little metal tags. Wait, you got 900? You have 900 bat knobs? And I ask you guys, what the fuck am I supposed to do with all this stuff? I genuinely don't remember. Where did the 900 knobs come from? I thought, I don't know.

I don't know why the knobs ended up at my house. I was thinking about that yesterday when I was dragging them in from the front porch, because I don't know that I was ever supposed to do anything with them. If you've already got knobs, why are you cutting up bats? Well, I think the point, and I'm trying to remember, but I think the point was that a hundred of the knobs would be made with love from me right like kind of like how we signed how i burned 50 bats but not the other 250 or whatever so this would be that version of that and then if i remember correctly there was the idea that we would metal tag the end of the knob

that i cut with the end of the bat so that they could be synced up again someday am i remembering that correctly yeah well i remember that, but I don't remember there being a bunch of other knobs. I thought the whole point of knobs was that they couldn't get made right and you were going to make them. Well, then they found that they could make the knobs.

They found a knob vendor, but then they were like, we already ordered the bats and you can still do the thing where you cut the bats in half and that's fine. Okay, so you might get a Jeff Cutt knob. Well, you're going to tell

because the knobs are very fucking different first of all uh but secondly i thought the idea was that then i would take these tags and i would put like tag number one on this knob tag number one on this bat end and then you could put one and one together and be like oh we found our match or whatever even though we don't necessarily know what we're gonna do with the other half of the bats yet but i got a thousand metal tags and i don't have numbered one through a thousand so there's no way for me to sync up i don't have two of the same tag and i certainly wasn't planning on just putting a metal tag on every knob of the other 900 knobs so i think what i need is one to a hundred and then one to a hundred again in tags.

I don't think I need 200 to a thousand. I think those are useless, but, but they exist and I'm just fucking confused. So I think I have some of what I need and way too much of other stuff, but none of it is getting this shit out of my house. So I, I'm just,

I'm before I'm, I'm a wash in bats and wood and I'm befuddled as to what to do about it. Why don't you just put the metal tags on all the knobs, one to a thousand, and then... Well, if I had made the metal tags, I would have made them to fit the knobs. Do they not fit? Not as such. You could always get the ones that are from the bats that you cut and then just sharpie number the bats as you go so like metal tag match with sharpie yeah or i could make them make another round of metal

tags one to a hundred i don't know i just all of this is to say that like i don't want it in my house i my girlfriend's very kind so i kicked half my desk over uh my girlfriend's very kind but i'm pretty sure she doesn't want it. I mean, it's taken up half of my library and my entire kitchen table, and I don't even have the tools required to... I just don't know what to do. I'm frozen.

I'm frozen with bad indecision. I feel like, much like my sauce, they didn't even know what to do. There's like seven different bad ideas that we've suggested, and you've gotten all of them but part of each one. It's just a mix of things. Yeah, I don't think I have a complete set of anything. No.

All right. Well, I'm just going to ignore it for a little bit longer than I guess. Do you have no plan? It's a future Jeff problem? I mean, today Jeff isn't going to, it's a future Jeff problem. I mean, today, Jeff isn't going to fix it today. Jeff has to go do the current.

Jeff has to do with RTX all week and all weekend. So I'm certainly not going to touch it now. So I can't even think about it till after RTX is over. So, uh, it's a, it's a problem for 10 day from now, Jeff,

I guess. Do you have a garage? No. Oh, I have a, like a little, uh, like house in the back that's tiny where I put my bikes and my lawnmower, but it's not suitable for this. Not good bat storage.

No, it's not good bat storage. I wouldn't want to put them there. It's not climate controlled or anything. I wouldn't want the bats to swell with humidity or anything. Ay, ay, ay. What if we kept sending you bats? What's upyi. What if we kept sending you bats? What's up? What if we just kept sending you bats?

What if bats just kept appearing? I hope they don't. I'd like to remove... Well, I'll be honest with you. I'd like to get rid of all of the bats I have right now. Here's what you should do. I'd like to remove all of the bats. You take the bats,

and you construct a Game of Thrones-esque seat out of them with all the spare parts that you saw off yeah i like that a lot the the bat throne here's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna take all those parts and i'm gonna dump them off in your front yard and i'm gonna let you make it your idea you can do it oh shit well how would i even do that? Nails? I don't know. Same way I would probably do it. You got a bunch of those already. They come with the set. You got all the nails you need, apparently. No, there's no nails.

That's the... This thing, too, that I thought... I thought the tags were gonna be, like... That I could, like, tack on with a little... Yeah. With a little... But they're not. They're, like, adhesive in some way.

And you... They come with a roller where you have to, like, roll... Like roll like press roll it on which is fine if it's a flat surface but these are all beveled i feel like someone just listened to our conversations and then just started buying stuff and listen to yeah and then listen i realize that in most cases also i'll go so far as to say that in every instance of my life, I've been at fault. So it's probably my fault in some way, but I'll be damned if I know how to unfuck it right now. So yeah, we'll deal with it.

Future Jeff will deal with it, I guess. But if anybody has any ideas, send them my way. Don't send them to the f***face slack. I'm no longer able to receive messages on that but you you both have my phone uh i believe still uh so uh it's not i don't know if you can reach me on social media i'm not sure we're following each other anymore but uh we're definitely you definitely have my phone number so you can text me i don't i really like the tags not being nailable i feel like that was such a key part

of that conversation. I was really imagining, like, almost railroad spikes. As was I. Like a marker that you would... Yeah. Okay. Or like, if you've ever seen a...

Like a... Well, anyway. A tiny little tag. But yeah. It's frustrating. That being said, I'm sure it'll... When it's all said and done, I'm sure it'll, when it's all said and done,

I'm sure it'll be a hilarious product that the comment leavers will find hilarious. Hopefully. They've been, the comment leavers have been sending in

their diagrams of the room. They have. Some of them have been shockingly good. We've already dealt with that recording-wise, but they're pretty accurate, some of them.

I saw one that was more accurate than mine. It was like perfect in every way, which was phenomenal. Yeah, I mean, you guys get extra points. You were attempting to place things like the sushi container and all that. I think there was one I saw where it nailed the rooms and everything, but they didn't really protect. The sushi container seems to be the thing that throws people.

They do not know where to place that in the overall room. Where was that? That was in front of the fridge. I was next to the fridge and people are putting on the other side. Oh, I think that's where I put it, isn't it? I think you did. I think you're in the group that put on the other side. I did try to go to my bath.

Nick just said, didn't you trip on one in the bathroom? No, it wasn't in the bathroom was on the way. I was going to the bathroom. I just got AirPods. I was very excited. It was late at night and I stepped on a plastic container. Took fall. Hard fall.

Maybe the hardest fall of my life. I'm impressed that it was a great landing. It was like a stuntman landing. Square on the shoulders. Could not figure out why my back was sore the next day. But I had a point. I don't know what my point was. I've lost.

We are talking about sushi containers. How close are we to a marathon at this point oh not not close not close we keep keep re-aggravating keep getting keep i will that's what i was gonna say people are commenting on like where's the shimmy of the thing and i forgot about i had the filing cabinet in front of the bed and i had a tv on the other side of it so i had to shit i can't believe i did that for so long you had the filing cabinet the one that's next to the dresser i had that behind in front of the bed because that was one of the key components of the fort i made the blanket for me in front of the like so when you were in bed you looked at your feet and there was like the back of a filing cabinet there yep exactly that's exactly what it was because that was the the pillar that was a pillar for the fort remember when we were first

in the setup i had to set up like a blanket fort whenever we were where was the shimmy between the filing cabinet and the desk no it was to the wall so i put the i have a 50 inch tv i'm no longer using that's like an old and it's bulky but i was playing ps2 and it was the only thing that it would work with so i pulled it out and i just put it on the floor across from there's a little wall between the closet and the bathroom and it was there but it was lined up with the filing cabinet so i had to shimmy past that whatever i needed to go by um it was annoying but i forgot all about it it well yeah it's just you know people like listening to previous episodes and bringing up that i talked about do you have do you have anything else in your life right now that's like you know is really inconvenient you just need to deal with it and it'll take like 10

seconds and save you hours and hours of annoyance i oh, ooh, that's a good, I don't, not really, but those things for me, typically, I just don't deal with and it just creates more anxiety, even though I know it's not a problem. You know, like, it's like, oh, I could just quickly do this, but then I don't because it just seems like a minor thing. And then it just builds. It takes me forever to resolve this.

I have something that would take 10 seconds to clean up but i've just been staring at it for about a year and i refuse to deal with it at this point and it isn't it isn't inconvenient it's just very annoying to look at i put up a shelf about a year ago and i'd like drilled in the wall and it made some it made like wall dust fall down and land on the skirting board and it's just still there and i could easily just go and grab the vacuum right now and suck it up why don't grab the vacuum right now and suck it up why don't you do it right now while we're on in the podcast i'm encouraging you to do it let's i want to hear it could this be the time we're gonna make your life better right now through the power

of face the thing is i just i feel like i only ever see it while i'm like walking from one thing to another like i'm gonna go and get something or i'm going out and i'm just like that thing again i keep walking by it. Yeah, I could just do it now, couldn't I? It's top of mind right now. By the power of f***ing face, I compel you to clean this mess. Alright. Are we gonna be able to go with him? Are we just here?

Is it just us? I think it's just you and I, but let's see if we can hear him in the background while he's doing it. What else is going on in your world andrew have you anything you need to clean right now i have a thing i want to talk about but it is sort of extensive i don't know if we have time within this episode so i still have a thing that's a lot of sawdust that's taking a lot of i don't he made it sound like it was just like

you'd run your finger over it it would be gone yeah it's a long long vacuum all right we're good it's all right how does that feel oh that feels good that feels good i'm glad you compelled me to do that in the middle of a recording. You're never... You're going to walk... The next time, you're going to forget about this very quickly. And then the next time you walk through,

you're going to look over there and it's going to be gone. And you're going to... Your heart's going to smile a tiny little bit. Yeah. I'll be taking the bins out. I'll be walking by just be like...

Yeah. Your life just got better, man. Do you have anything that you're putting off like that? Something really easy to fix, but it's just so far down on priority you'll realistically never get to it. I feel like you have something for me.

Are you aware of something that I have that I'm ignoring? No, I don't think this is a paranoia thing, Jeff. I think he's just asking. Do you think I've laid some inconvenience in your house? I don't know. I wouldn't put it past you. Oh don't know. Well, I wouldn't put it past you. Oh, come on.

Well, I don't. I just, you know, don't. I don't trust any of you at all anymore. I had a great prank to do against you, Jeff, but I just don't think I could put it together. But I think you'd even like it. I almost texted Gavin today. Yeah, it's fine.

Do whatever. I don't care. Just prank away. Well, no yeah it's fine do whatever i don't care just prank away well no it's just i think did you know that you could so we like don't spoil it don't spoil it it's gonna be a hilarious prank no i don't think it'll ever actually happen it's too elaborate but it's just it's an amusing idea i didn't know this did you know that you could get games graded like a card like there's a company that you could send i didn't realize that so i was thinking about like well what is the range in which you could get things graded i was wondering could i get my bts sauces graded can i find a place that would like could i get could i get 10 men yeah they're sealed i want to try to get a 10 mint bts of each

one and then i thought well what if like jeff went away and we just fucking we graded every item in his house? Like you come back in and everything's just surrounded in a hard plastic shell with like different. This is a 9.7. The fridge is going to get an F. The fridge is definitely going to score low. That fucking fridge. Dude, my life is. So I've got fridge news.

No. Well, no, no. I mean, it's the the same as always it's it's it's just dark fridge dark fridge it's expensive i don't have the money to fix it right now or i don't i it's not that i don't know i just don't want to spend the money to replace it and it's it's so expensive and they're just like and i'm so mired in other shit it's just what's the point here's how it works right so you know maybe we should just talk about my shitty story next episode we're supposed to wrap up right sure yeah i mean we're close to an hour we can wrap up yep eric says we should wrap are we doing are we doing two today we're doing two i think we're doing two yeah oh my god i got stuff

for two what's that i got a lot of stuff i know yeah. Oh my God. I got stuff for two. I got a lot of stuff. I didn't get to any of my stuff for this episode. It was so weird. My whole goal in this episode was to not talk about the condiment stuff and to not let you guys get... I went in with the goal of not yelling once, and I failed yet again. I failed at everything in my I and I failed yet again as I fail at everything

in my life I failed so why should today have been any different thank you for listening to another episode of F*** Face the podcast where we highlight the misery and failures of one Jeffrey Ramsey while the much better

and much more talented and much more likable Gavin Free and Andrew Panton dance through and on The Misery That Is Me. Hope you liked it.

If you liked it, maybe read or write a review or star it up or whatever. If you didn't like it, that makes sense because I'm in it. Thanks a lot. See you next week.