F**kface - Pranked by a Gentle Ghost // The Verdict [18]

Episode Date: September 30, 2020

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about the rules of being visibly early, the being nice about Gavin segment, a judge's ruling, and more. Buy the red F**k hat shirt: http://bit.ly/RedFshirt Sponsored by HelloFresh. Go to http://hellofresh.com/face80 and use code face80 to get a total of $80 off your first month, including free shipping on your first box! Also sponsored by Bespoke Post. Get 20% off your first box at http://boxofawesome.com and enter code FACE at checkout. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit dragonsdogma.com to buy the game and start your epic quest today. That's D-R-A-G-O-N-S-D-O-G-M-A.com to learn more. Whether you enjoyed the previous episode or not, I want to thank you so much for listening and for caring so much about this show. Nobody would leave feedback on a thing they weren't passionate about, and I love your enthusiasm. It honestly blows my mind that anyone actually listens to this, but your support of the show truly means the world to me. Unfortunately, the trial bit didn't land for a lot of you. Not everything can be as glorious as a fuckhat, but please know that everything I do on this show is done with the hope of making you laugh. I certainly won't always be successful, but I'm always trying. I should wrap this up so we can return to our normal, ridiculous podcast.

I'm sure Gavin shit him. Not Gavin. Why did I say Gavin shit him? Well, he didn't shit himself. I'm going right off the rails. I apologize. Anyway, once again, thank you so much for supporting the show. I hope you enjoy this episode. Have a wonderful day. Be kind to each other. I apologize. Anyway, once again, thank you so much for supporting the show. I hope you enjoy this episode. Have a wonderful day. Be kind to each other. Thank you. You hate people that are early? Yeah, like, people always say, oh, I was here early.

That's not better than being on time. Hold on, I gotta start recording. Hang on, hang on. Wait. Are you serious? What? You think that being on time is better than being early? Yes.

Yeah. And you think being early is worse than being late no no no being late is the worst then being early is is uh it's fine but not ideal being bang on time that's perfection but why what do you have against being early because you you sounded like vociferously against it for a second there well it's just like people are sort of you know know, if you're in here at 2.57, you sort of think that, you know, you got some time. Like, Eric thought he had some time.

Right, that's based on every other episode. That's based on every other episode we've ever done where you're here on the dot at 3. No, it's like when you make plans with someone, you plan to meet them somewhere, and, you know, I'm on track to get there exactly at 2 or whatever. They text at 154 like hey i'm here now i'm feeling stressed why are you feeling stressed because now they're waiting on their own and i'm i'm thinking like man i should have left

earlier why but that's of their accord yeah that's this is insane yeah that's that's not on you okay six minutes isn't it's not on, it's not incumbent upon you. They did that to themselves. Okay, well, what if they were meeting at your place? Hey, come to mine at noon. They're there at 11.52. And I'm like, oh, damn, I'm barely dressed. Wait.

No, I think that's totally fine. Yeah, that's totally fine. I would say within like 15 minutes early. 15 minutes early 15 minutes early do you know if okay if you're meeting at my place be there at the time like don't be there early because i'm not ready i've budgeted for all of those minutes to you know get my shit together if you're here then i'm rushing my hair's wet i'm putting on a t-shirt it's gonna get wet my chest hair's seeping into all the

fabric okay but you're making this all about you what if it's just like like for instance for me uh and i'll recognize that i am uh quite probably institutionalized from my five years of service in the united states military where if you were on time you were late in the army you get in trouble for being on time you have to be the army you get in trouble for being on time you have to be everywhere 15 minutes early because that's preparation right so even to this day even though you know i got out of the army at 23 here i am 45 i still get places early if i get to your house gav and you're still you've got wet chest hair or whatever because you took a shower uh because you you budgeted your time in such a way that you

get ready the second i'm supposed to arrive like all things in the universe converge in that one moment in time which is i gotta say impressive uh from a micromanaging standpoint and more power to you but i would prefer to leave early get there, and then sit in my car and listen to a podcast or the news for five minutes just so I don't have the stress of worrying about getting to your place late. And I don't expect you to open the door early. I'm happy just to sit in my car and count the minutes until the agreed upon time. I can see that. My issue comes mainly from keeping people waiting. I never want to be late.

I want to be on time. But if someone else is early, then I feel like I'm keeping them waiting. And that's like a... Then why don't you go earlier? Why are you always trying to hit the dot? If you're worried about people being early, why don't you just start showing up to things early and then they're never waiting?

Because a lot of time, there's not enough time to be early if you're coming straight off other stuff. If you're back-to-back know your appointments no i'm that's i'm not saying within a work context i'm saying like if you're gonna meet somebody for lunch why don't you just be early instead of being worried about them being early than you all right now then you see you're dealing with people who are late you don't know what other people are going to do. For example, some people at this company, if you say, meet me at 8, I'll show up exactly at 8. They might show up at 8.40.

And then if I was 20 minutes early, I would have been waiting an hour. Can I ask you a question about that? Yes. You said some people like you mean certain people. Would you like to tell us who those people are? It's okay. You're in a safe

place should we speak ill of those who don't work with us anymore uh yeah of course um mr ezra cooperstein would often show up almost a full hour late to the point where i was like did we go to dinner did we have dinner ezra or was i sat here all completely on my own with people gawping at me oh uh you know wondering if i got stood up dude i one time had dinner with that man in san francisco at seven o'clock at eight o'clock he still hadn't shown up and he texts you know running a bit late at nine o'clock he rolls in after literally i've been sitting at a sushi restaurant for two hours with a group of people, but it wasn't just me. But he walks in at nine o'clock. He looks at me.

He goes, we said nine o'clock, right? And he just smiled at me. And I went, you're the boss. I guess we said nine. That was it. That's insanity. Two hours? Well, you know, busy people, you know. Busy people.

I had a great time working with Ezra. I did not have a great time doing social events with him outside of a work environment. It's funny to me that I did not think it was going to be Ezra. I thought you were going to complain about, like, I don't know, Jeremy or Barbara or Blaine or somebody. No. You went high up. I went right to the top.

You went to the C level. All right. The problem in that context, though, is when you're doing a group thing. Like one-on-one, you can account for that at least. But if there are multiple people, then you are then obligated to show up at the time. The minute it becomes like a group dinner, you're fucked. One-on-one, though, you can adjust for that. If he's always an hour late, that's easy to deal with.

Just always be late. Yeah, you have to waste your own time learning that about people no that's true it's a good point god i gotta say the weirdest thing about this to me is and i i can feel it happening and i don't know why but for now for the for something about this conversation for the rest of my life now i'm gonna think that every time gavin i'm to meet gavin somewhere he is one second out of the shower like i'm gonna i just i know it's not true i know it's not true but now for the rest of my mind for something just cemented two pieces of of brain just got super glued together that now i think that that gavin takes a shower before every appointment or meeting he has. I'll be honest.

I'll be honest. If I leave the house, usually the last thing I'll do before leaving is have a shower. That's fair. Fair. To what, like once, right? Like if you leave in the morning and then leave in the evening,

you're not having, you're not doubling up on showers. No. So one shower. Okay, that's fine. Just one. I'll just time it to the point where it's like, if you have to interact with me, I'll clean what's fascinating to me about this is if i if you

invited me to go to your house gavin i absolutely would be there 10 minutes early and i would have never it wouldn't have even crossed my mind that that would be in any way an inconvenience to you this is completely changed my perception I'll tell you the secret. I'm always, okay, aside from like when I'm late from like a recording, like two recordings like coming back to back, I'll be like late to the podcast or whatever. Aside from that, I'm usually pretty bang on time. And the way I do that is that I'll get somewhere,

you know, five to 10 minutes early and just like hide around the corner. This is insane. this is insane this is this is insane until like 2 59 and then i'll just stroll around as if i'm completely on time just that way i've not put any pressure on anyone else and i'm not late in the slightest well how is that insane eric that's you just said what you just you're the person that you said that you didn't want to do that to someone else, but you're happily the person that is doing that. It's the most tone deaf thing I've ever heard. You came out and literally started this off with saying,

this is what I hate about people when they do this. And I said, oh, I do this opposite thing this way. And you go yeah i hate that also i do that exact same thing apparently right no but i'm not visible i'm not present you don't know that i'm there waiting i will just you don't know that i'm not there i don't wear a beacon i don't like roll up with a jeff signal and fucking flash it like i'm like commissioner gordon needs help aren't you making the You're now being late. What if the person's there and you're waiting to be on time?

You're in a sense, you're late. Because you can already be with them. No, if we're meeting at a restaurant or something, or a meeting at their place, I'll be there on time, but if they're ready to go then I'll come out early, but I will never make them... So you scope it out? What is the process?

What do you mean you'll be... You'll see if they're there and then if they're not you'll walk away what are the rules i just the rules are i don't want to be visibly early to make people freak out and hurry up and i don't want to be late that's the only way to do it if you can think of a better way to always be you know to the minute. No! Because then I'm sort of stood outside their front door while they're... This isn't an inconvenience to anyone. In my mind, they've just hopped out of the shower.

Hey, welcome to F*** Face episode 18. How's it going, everyone? I can't. I would die if I were you. There's like 50 rules for just showing up to a thing. You're going to worry yourself to an early grave like this, buddy. He doesn't even seem worried. You're overthinking.

Which just makes it weird. It's not even like an anxiety thing to him. Being late is disrespectful. Being early is inconvenient. There's only one way to be, and that is on time. There's a line in the sand. It's like when you open a door for someone and you hold it there's like you have to do a

measurement of how close they are to you to the door if they're too far away it becomes an inconvenience you just there has to be a measurement there's a line between early and not too early yeah yeah he's maybe I'm just I just haven't figured out the the correct timings yet do you if you get somewhere a little early

and you need to hide, do you bring disguises? No. Do you ever roll with like a trench coat and a hat just just in case they spot you? No, I usually decide if there's a place like a parking place,

I'll just go over there for a bit as if I've just parked a car that I don't know how to drive and I'm just walking up. What? You made me all self-conscious about this. I thought this was like a fine thing. The only person getting hurt is myself. I didn't think it was

that big a deal. It's just very weird. I mean, no one is getting hurt but you. It's just very bizarre. It's just your brain is hurt in a way and it just shows me every once in a while and I get surprised by it. I don't know what, like if you fell or like how something got twisted and do you remember when you were a kid and you uh you fell and smacked your neck like you fell off the front step and smacked your nose yeah and like

it's been like it i guess it crookeded it yeah that was that wasn't as bad as when i fell in the back of my head and went blind oh when you fell in the back maybe that was it when you fell in the back of your head and you went blind. Do you think something like something also got crossed that day that makes you weird? I think about that stuff probably weekly. Like, is that was that one event like everything? Sure. If I could go back and undo that event, where would I be now?

Like not not to talk about other or to promote other podcasts and radio shows, obviously. But Gavin, you and Andrew, I think you listened for a while to we're all familiar with Sour Shoes, who's a guy who calls into the Howard Stern show. And he has a photographic memory of every song ever made or that he's ever heard. And he can play it on a keyboard from start to finish, having heard it once it's like a super superhuman ability but he also wears a diaper and lives with his parents because he's he's got the mind of a child and he's in his 40s or 30s however he was a normal dude until he was a baseball player in high school and he got hit in the fucking head with a baseball and he came out the other end that guy dude the head, the head is important. You got to look after your old bonce.

Yeah. He now has the ability to remember every song ever made, but he shits in a diaper. So it's like, I wonder. Sounds like a fair trade. Yeah, I totally agree, by the way. I would take the talent for the pooping. But I just wonder,

how different would your life be if you had not had those two falls or whatever the fall is or the catastrophe that happened to you that broke you in the way that you're broken we'll never know it's a shame hey who are you uh i'm jeff i was gonna say actually i thought this was episode 16 and then i looked and it's not you said it's 18 i've now realized much like uh i'll never think of you not showering before every appointment, I think every episode of this

is 16 for some reason. Yeah, I think last... Did you say last week you named it 15? I think your naming scheme is what's... Your local naming scheme is screwing you a little bit. Yeah, I just am going to name them all 16 now, I think. I feel like the internet is ablaze

since the last one came out. The trial, well, the trial hasn't come out yet, but the pre-trial came out, and I feel like the comments are just on fire. Andrew, what are your thoughts about it? I think it went over very well. I think people are very much enjoying the way it's gone. I don't think there have been any issues or complaints or calling me a coward

I'm starting to feel worried because usually Jeff and I, we're in videos constantly years and decades of comments, but you Andrew have been typically background in terms of your interaction with the audience there's a lot of people who know you

who you are, but it's not like a daily barrage of comments and uh it i feel like the comments went from andrew is the funniest person i've ever heard in my life where have you been keeping him this entire time to andrew is a little bitch why doesn't he just eat the pencil what a cowardly little bitch i hate andrew i can't believe get him out of here that bum the psychology is interesting because the concept that like me pretending I didn't agree to have a pencil is the worst thing ever but Jeff saying that I have an obsessive piss fetish and that I'm watching is a lie that is totally acceptable no issues there at all no problem watching homeless ladies pee is a lie that is totally acceptable. No issues

there at all. No problem. That's, by the way, not a lie. That's based on the stories you told us. I said one story where I saw a woman pee and I didn't want to see it. It wasn't what I was hoping for. I didn't seek it, but it happened. Can I ask you a question? Yeah, go ahead. That happened, you

looked out your window, you saw it, right? That moment. Have you looked out your window at that spot since what do you what that's an absurd question yeah i've looked out the window it's a window because despite your your fucking willingness not to be a weirdo window for 20 years before yeah waiting to see the p and then you saw it and now your eyes get brought right back to that same spot. Just hoping against hope that maybe one day it'll happen again. Are you disappointed now when you look out the window and there's nothing happening out there? My whole point was that I don't do this. How did this flip into am I disappointed that I don't see it?

Because we're getting to the truth here. Here's the thing. Oh, just like I was trying to get to the truth. But that's a big fucking problem. You say that I made it up like a lie. I was trying to get to the truth, but that's a big fucking problem. You say that I made it up like a lie. But Andrew, if you were really horrified and didn't like what you saw, you would have bricked in the window.

You would have been horrified by seeing homeless ladies. But the fact that you didn't brick in your window and you continue to look at that window tells me you are obsessed with urine. Very telling. You ever bricked in a window ever? Listen, there are I'm not legally allowed to say about certain things. Okay. I wouldn't even know how to...

Where do I go to brick a window? Well, I'd go to Home Depot. Well, the brick store. Yeah, I was going to say, where's the brick store? At Home Depot, you buy some bricks and some spackle. I mean, you can make a brick. Wait, I need spackle? You can make a brick.

You can make your own spackle. Find some clay, get it wet, make it make it brick like put it in the oven so he's he's got a point what is a brick like how do i make a brick it's heated up clay what is what is clay though it's uh it's like it's like super mud it's everywhere in the world except every biome i use in minecraft do you ever just look at like like I was looking at a KitKat recently and realized I have no idea what a wafer is. Like I don't even know

where to begin. You know what a wafer is? Like if someone said if okay. That is a good point. I know what a wafer is. If you said Andrew here's two million dollars go make a legitimate KitKat and I'm like okay I'm gonna get the ingredients I had unlimited budget I legitimate Kit Kat. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to get the ingredients. I had unlimited budget.

I could do whatever I needed. I'm like, I need chocolate. I can buy chocolate. What the fuck is a wafer? Is it a rice thing? Do I need flour? Do I cook? Do I put it in an oven?

I'll be honest. You've put it in my mind. Where does a wafer come from? Andrew, I was all in to make fun of you, but I you won me over instantly I got no idea. I have no clue how to make a wafer or what I know what it tastes like Why don't we go around the group Jeff? How do you make wafer? I think you would bake it with you bake it what you keep saying it though like what you gotta To bake it. I think it's like it's like rice based

maybe like rice paper i don't know yeah exactly it's a fucking mystery i just had a nutter butter and it was a nutty buddy and it's all wafer and chocolate i don't know what i ate it's got to be like one degree from a biscuit or a cookie but like like flatter. But the texture is different though. It is, it is. It's like- Maybe you've got to like crush it. It's almost like precise. Like, you know what?

What is that dessert you get when you eat at like shawarma places? Baklava? Baklava is a thing you wear on your head, but- No, not baklava. Baklava, yeah, baklava, right? It's like, it's like, it's like weight. It's like layers of like pastry on top of each other over and over again.

It's like a precise version, like a scientific version of that. I didn't hear a single thing you said, because I'm obsessed with the idea that you thought we're suggesting a thing to put on your head like that. We need a clarification. You're like, no, not baklava. It's a head thing. And then you circled back and just said, yeah, it is. They always confuse me.

Two people show up to rob a bank. One of them's just got a bunch of Kit Kats sellotaped around his head. Those are words that get to me. I've never seen a wafer in the wild is what is the real puzzle to me. Are you expecting it to grow on like a wafer shrub? No, I'm saying like if I'm at a, there's a plate of treats, right? Like an assortment of desserts.

I'm never like, oh, that's a wafer. You don't see it. It's always with something else. It's covered in chocolate. It's just, it's just strange. I only really see it in cake. Can we potentially get the face jam guy who's in this recording to do a little bit of wafer research if he has time?

Also cheese. That's another one. Cheese. Listen, fuck off. Cheese is milk. It's just fucking. Yeah, but okay, you get the milk, but then how do you make it the cheese? You leave it.

You just leave it alone. So I get a cow. I milk the cow. Then I leave the milk and it turns into cheese? I mean, in the right environment. And you can add sort of like different cheese cultures. But I think basically it's... What is a cheese culture?

You just leave milk and it turns to cheese. And then you like skim off the top and sometimes that's the cheese. Yeah, you like heat it and you can like stir it. It starts to like glupify and then you take your curds of cheese. I don't know i've never made cheese but it's pretty milky it's pretty gross the process i just watched him make a mozzarella on uh fuck that's delicious and it's it's a pretty gross process i just like going to the wafer concept of i need to make this thing i definitely i'd buy a cow i'd buy a bucket and

then it's it's we're going it's crazy from there i'm just gonna be buying stuff hoping it works i think you need a you need a cow a bucket you need some cheese cloth and a dark damp room do you need heat is that part of it or am i making that part uh well it's is de-pasteurized that the heat is a pasteurization is like i don't know what what process that's that uh is introduced into cheese. Do you pasteurize the milk before you make cheese out of it? Or do you not need to? I don't know.

I don't know. Oh, I wish I was a farmer. Do I need the thing that you put the milk into and you hit it with the stick in the bucket? That's how they make butter, right? Oh, like a churner? Like a churner. I feel like I need to do some churning if I'm making cheese. There might be some churning for certain types of cheese, yeah.

But that's butter, though. Yeah, but I feel like you gotta churn the milk. You can't just leave the milk. There has to be a churn. I feel like that's the point. That's like the crossroad, is you either take the milk and you churn, or you take the milk and you leave, and then you've got two different paths. Maybe that's how butter was invented.

Someone trying to make cheese. Is butter milk? Butter's milk? Is it not? Hey Eric, what's a wafer? A wafer is just a very thin cookie or cracker. It's made out of flour. I don't know- Flour! Yeah, it's just a very thin cookie or cracker. How do you make a wafer? I- I- I- You make a very thin cookie or cracker.

It just doesn't seem like a thing that a human can do. That's not true. If I make really thin chocolate chip cookies, those aren't fucking wafers. Yeah, I think it's more to it. It's crazy because you asked me and then I told you and then you told me that I was wrong. I don't know what it is you asked me. I know I'm wrong, but I know you're wrong too we're all equally wrong i do know that i have a work question for you eric yes has any of this episode of face been

an episode of face yet uh i think most of it i don't think any of it is on the cutting room floor maybe some of the beginning but really i think a lot of that is crucial for the weird early visibility thing where you just really came unglued like you really like crumbled you're just a weirdo i feel like this has been nice though because obviously we were pretty we were just hammering andrew for the last two episodes and uh now the audience is getting him so i feel like we don't need to as much but i'm enjoying this sort of like pre-trial discussion time yeah it feels like the old days it does I kind of I'm with you Gav I feel like nothing we can do to pile on to Andrew is gonna

hold a candle to what the audience is has already probably been putting him through yeah by the time the the trial comes out I heard I don't know if you've listened to any of that episode yet I listened to like the first five minutes. Yeah, I said it. Yeah, he's in for some fun. But I kind of like the fact that we're avoiding it because it's obviously been, even though Andrew said there was no love lost between the three of us and that though he had to work a little bit

to find some of that love, I like kind of ignoring it and pretending like we're not in the middle of a really heated three-way argument and just pretending like that're not in the middle of a really heated three-way argument. And just pretending like that's not happening. And enjoying, I have some stories I could tell. Andrew told me he f***ed himself.

He wants to talk about that. And let's just pretend like the world's greatest trial isn't happening behind the scenes. I'll be honest, though. I don't think I've ever wanted him to eat a pencil less since the start of this. It's like, I don't know. I'm not fussed anymore Yeah, I know what you mean. It's just interesting to see how he handled it. Eric says he has a judge's ruling I handled it very well in my opinion. I want to know this judge's rule. You want to go straight to it? Maybe we should let's end on it. Yeah. No, this is very suspicious. I feel like you two know something I don't that was very weird. That was weird. I sense that.

I don't know anything. I'm just having a really nice time right now. And once we start talking about the trial, I know I'm going to get all worked up. And then you're going to get defensive. And then Gavin's going to get involved. And it's going to turn into a three-way fuckfest of yelling. Enjoy the non-yelling.

No, I am. Yeah, right now we're just hanging out. This is great. I just, you know, I'm at the point where I'm ready to talk about it as like a bit. yelling enjoy the non-yelling no i am yeah right now we're just hanging out this is great i just i you know i i'm at the point where i'm ready to talk about it is like a bit i mean the trials happen what is hello for what is hello fresh what a question i'll tell you if i assume you know what it is everybody should know what hello fresh is it's the it's the best way to get pre-measured ingredients

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last week. Okay, so last week, you very casually, right at the end of the podcast, brought up how you had secretly been looking through my Halo times and beating them. You were basically ready for me to say, hey, I have a better time than you on this level.

So you could be like, no, you don't. And I did have a better time than you because I was working on it, but I didn't bring it up because A, I want to wait a long time before announcing this on you. I want it to be really inconvenient. And B, I wanted to beat myself even more. But you just so casually were like, by the way, I beat your time,

to the point where you were so smug at your timing that I was livid. I can't believe you just casually threw that out there. I worked hard on that time, and you beat it without any fanfare, and I didn't even get to sort of spring it on you. So so now it's on i'm obviously i'm trying to smash your time and then you're playing you've got some dirty tricks going on where you say i i basically i beat the time that you beat and you were suspicious of my methods and then you just came to me and said uh you're screwed the time is trapped i trapped it

what does that mean i trapped do i need to clarify i feel like you should know what it means i trapped it i'm assuming we're doing the same method it's a it's a trap strategy as soon as you go i go and we're just it's back on you as far when you say it's trapped, what I took that to mean was you have the time done. You just don't have it submitted. Is that what you mean by trapped? Yeah, I think that's a fair explanation. So it's mind games. So you're basically guessing that you have a better time, a trapped time, than my trapped time.

And we're just not submitting our times. We're in a real stare down. I submitted my, I told you what my trapped time is. You just didn't put times we're in a real stare down i submitted my i told you what my trap time is you just didn't put it in no that's waiting it's trapped thing this is this is healthy for the for the overall bet because as we keep being our times or trapping our times they get harder and harder to beat each time to the point where potentially 12 hours might not be enough so you have there's a method with which you keep calling it trapping your time but you like you beat the time offline or something and then you just don't don't sign

back on so for the sake of the audience i'll just go through it so the time the uh the level is outskirts which is a halo 2 map where uh you just fight through where you're in africa you're on earth and the way that the timing works, you can just save and quit. And it'll basically hold the time that you have. So restarting a checkpoint continues to add time. But if you die, instead of just having it restart the checkpoint, if you just save and quit,

you just go from whatever the time was at that checkpoint. So you can actually sort of slow build your times. And if you do that right before you end the level, you don't have a submitted time but you have one ready to go you just have to then do the last checkpoint is that what you've been doing andrew that is what i've been doing did you know you could do that when you started this when did you learn that that was an option uh i've always known okay i didn't know i thought you got the actual the speed running achievement without doing that

yeah yeah i did. Oh, shit. So you're really good. I didn't know it was an option. What happened was I was trying to beat Gavin's dumb time and I was in the middle of a great run as near the end and my game crashed. And I was like, fuck, I lost the run. And it was like 4 a.m. So I wasn't really thinking.

And instead of just loading up a new run, I accidentally click resume and it put me back to where i was and the time was back to where it was at that checkpoint and it opened up a whole new world of possibilities if i wouldn't have if it would have never crashed i would have never known and there's no way i would have ever come close to you i want to i i want to try and find in the Slack where you got really suspicious. Oh, I did. Yeah, you're good.

If the times you're presenting are legitimate, you're very good at Halo 2. Okay, so we were just going back and forth with our times. And then on Slack, you said to me, how are you cheating? He's cheating in some way, and I don't know what it is. I said, no cheating. Just playing some Halo, developing some strats, you said. So I'm supposed to believe you just show up and set the 87th best time in the world for outskirts.

I said, sure, why not? New strats, new times. You said, you don't go from hitting a career average of two homers a year and then suddenly hit 87 and say you're holding the bat differently. Something stinks. And then I guess you discovered my technique of saving and quitting. I did. So we've basically got our times down.

This is on Legendary, so it's actually incredibly easy to die. But we're now sub four minutes. And I'm not using any... Well, I'm using, like... I'm just going my own way. I'm not following videos in hope that you don't know what I'm doing to the point where you can't copy what I've done.

If you're saying you're not using videos, you are 100% cheating. There's no way! Not cheating. There's no way. I'm not cheating. I need to see what... You'd have to edit it together

because I'd assume you're closing your game out every 40 seconds, but I'd love to see what a run of yours looks like. I'll show you my run after the 12 hours have passed and you've lost a bet. I'll show it to you then. I'm excited for that. I think I might lose, honestly.

You're doing really well. I'll say this for him, Andrew he's got none of your uh talent when it comes to gameplay playing video games absolutely right none of your ability but he knows halo and the the levels and the maps in halo better than probably a lot of the people that worked on them yeah i mean that's fair I thought I knew Halo as well but he's uh showing a whole other level he came in he I remember being blown away he came in we made this is my being nice about Gavin's segment of the podcast uh well he came in and directed season seven of Red vs Blue and so we had already made six seasons at that point plus uh and a season was 20 episodes two hours plus for every episode we made we probably made two or three for corporate gigs or you know sponsorships whatever

we made a shitload of like probably by the time we made seven seasons of red versus blue we probably made 20 seasons worth of content i thought i knew that game like the back of my hand like i knew everything about Halo 1, 2, 3, and Reach at that point. And this little British dickhead came in. And in the first day, by the end of the first day, Bernie and I, our jaws were on the ground. We're like, how the fuck did he know how to do that? And that and that. He taught us so much. He must, I can only assume that his life in England and why he probably why he moved to America I can only assume that his life in England and why he probably why he moved to America was so just abysmal.

And I don't know if it was the weather or like the if he would walk outside, there would immediately be like a chav ready to punch him in the teeth. So he just never left his house. Or maybe he was scared to leave his bedroom because his parents were abusive or something i don't know what it was but he must have just lived inside the world of halo for the first 17 years he was alive i'll be honest i know exactly what it was i was just a teenager who had no friends uh i was i actually was fine at school like i had this like pretty solid friend group but they all got pretty into drugs which you know it was it was fine with me i just i just didn't want to do it yeah so they just stopped inviting me to stuff because i was always just like i'm not gonna you know i'm i'm not gonna be on i'm gonna be involved so i was just like i just was unneeded so i just stayed in and played halo for what until i found a different group of

friends but that was a good maybe three or four year period there where I'd just play Halo all the time. It was great. I love the idea of you at a party being like, you guys see that new super jump on lockout? You're crazy, right? How's everybody's speed work consistent? You hug the back of the base on coagulation,

you slip down, you hit the super jump. I miss that. That was fun. It was fun. That was fun. I was in a clan in Halo 2 called Nuts on Your Chin. I was like 12. It was me and a bunch of 20 and 30-year-old guys. It was run by a guy who was a tattoo artist. And at the end of every game, you had to teabag people and say nuts on your chin over and over again.

It was a very sophisticated group. Was that it? That's it. I'm laughing so hard I'm laughing quietly. Like, I don't know. What else do you want from me? I thought you were going to tell a nuts on my chin anecdote, and then I wasn't ready for it to be over.

No, it's just a kind of weird thing. It's really a claim called nuts on your chin. Do you still's just a kind of weird thing. It's a clan called Nuts on Your Chin. Do you still hang out with those guys? No. No. No. I don't think I'm still in the clan. I think they probably kicked me out. It's a hard group to get into. Do you think the Nuts on Your Chin

clan is still going strong? I don't think so. I think that's probably a clan that became less funny with time. I'm sure. That was always the thing with probably a clan that became less funny with time. Disbanded. Yeah. That was always the thing with, I mean, my relationship with you, Andrew and Halo, is that I would be very good at one thing, like, say, Grifball. I mean, I was good at Grifball because we were the only people playing it because there were only like eight people playing at the time.

And then you came in and just made us all look like just infants who didn't know how to hold a controller. And that's just carried on. Like, the entire time I've known you, that's been our story. Like, I've been trying to beat you with stuff, and you just casually destroy me. And I feel like eventually I'll come out on top, but I just don't know when that will be. You definitely will. The secret, from my perspective, is that you guys are not great at really any game I'm not it's not that I'm so good I'm very average

it's just your bar is so low that I can come in and I look way more impressive that's bullshit every time I talk you're into a game it's not that you're average we were talking about like I by the way did you see left for dead is updating dude 10 years?

How fucking crazy is that? Not to turn this into a video game podcast, but there's like 30 new- Dude, get nuts on your chin back together. There's 30 new achievements, and there's gonna be, like, that's fucking exciting. But, like, back in, like, the Left 4 Dead days, I would get Andrew to help me, and then Andrew just casually drops one, like, one day, he's like, yeah, I was looking up, uh, I was looking up online some way, I do, uh, and some way I do and I'm like the third best Left 4 Dead player in the world right now.

Isn't that weird? What's even weirder about that is I don't remember that. But that happens. I do. It definitely happened. Can you imagine how frustrating it would be for Andrew to be number two in the world at Halo? Like he is at Garfield?

And Gavin is number one? I'd be okay with that. If Gavin can get number one, that great it wouldn't happen because he would just spend the next 200 days back to back doing it until he was number one because yeah because that's the kind of person he is the stakes are so high for this I think I'd give you Halo 2 you've you've impressed me with the the techniques what you're saying the fact that you're not using any videos is impressive. I'll give you that. Should we, Jeff, what do you got this week for F*** Face?

Oh, I do have a little F*** Face. And I have some housekeeping I wanted to do as well. I think I'm being pranked or plagued by a gentle ghost. Okay. I was at the, what I'm now referring to as the face intersection in Austin. And I say that because it's, I, you know, I ride my bike like 30 miles a day. Uh, it's my exercise. And so I go, uh, well, I go all over town, but there's this one intersection that I go through pretty often. It's a, it's a big intersection. Um, the other day, maybe like a month or two ago,

I was stopped at, at the stoplight waiting to go. And I say it's the f*** face intersection because a guy rolled down his window next to me and goes, hey. And I'm like, ugh. So I turn over and I look and he goes, great job with the f*** face. And I went, oh, thanks, man.

He goes, yeah, I love it. Listen to it all the time. And he drove off. I thought he was going to yell at me or make fun of me or ask for directions or something. You thought it was going to be like that guy when we were having drinks at that bar, the homeless guy? Yeah, yeah. I think he was gonna yell at me or make fun of me or ask for directions or something you thought it was gonna be like that guy when we were having drinks at that bar the homeless guy yeah yeah i think he was gonna tell me i'm what's wrong with austin or whatever do you know about that andrew yes i think

you brought that up on this podcast okay and so every time i stop at that stoplight i think about that moment i'm like oh there's the fuckface uh stoplight and i was actually thinking about um i had just read some slacks from you, Andrew, about fuckface. Potentially, we talked about making baseball cards, you know, or collectible cards, what they would look like, what would be on the cards. And I was kind of running through the list that you had slacked and kind of thinking about if I want to cut my shorts up or not. And some other stuff.

And while I was doing that, I had been stopped for 30 seconds. I was standing up the same way I always do. Left foot on the ground, right foot on the curb to the right. And I was perfectly vertical. No breeze, no nothing. And I just looked up and I went, yep, light's still red. And then I went back into my head. Think about face collectible cards.

And then suddenly I noticed I was very slowly tilting to the right. And I thought, that's weird. And I looked up and the traffic light was crooked too. And I realized I was really, really slowly as if by being pushed by the most gentle of ghosts, just being nudged over, like laid down. And there was nothing I could do about it. My right foot was immediately trapped under the bike and like gravity didn't speed me up, which is why I know it must've been a ghost laying me down and uh and there was no wind gravity didn't intensify things and it just as if in a cartoon slowly laid me down onto the ground under my bike in in the

exact same position i was standing up in as if like i got hit with a freeze ray and i just topped over but without any kind of like a terminal velocity from the gravity. And unfortunately, there were 4,000 cars around and they all saw it. And also it had rained the day before. So the ghost gently laid me down into a mud puddle, like a grassy mud puddle. And so I just laid the entire right side of my body covered in mud and under my bike for a second. And I didn't know what to do. A lot of cars looking at me. I look up every,

I make an eye contact with at least 20 people. And so I just sat there and laughed and waited for until every car left. And then I got on my bike and then sat through another cycle and left. But yeah, so now I'm on the lookout to see if the ghost strikes again because it was super paranormal.

I feel like maybe instead of a ghost, you just have like an ear infection or something. I don't think so. I don't think so. Because usually when I start falling, I don't figure it out based on my eyes. I can usually figure out what I'm falling. I'm not like, man, what's with all these 45 degree angles? I noticed it. It would totally notice the angle. Yeah. It was so strange. Have you been hit by any baseballs recently? No, I haven't. I don't know. I can it. It would totally notice the angle. Yeah, it was so strange. Have you been hit by any

baseballs recently? No, I haven't. I don't know. I can't play any song. So yeah, no, nothing. I have another question for you, Jeff. Of the 30 miles that you cycle a day, how many miles do you actually pedal? The entire time, baby. You gotta pedal. That's how you get places. I'm not driving a car.

You got an electric bike that does the driving. It's pedal assist when I need it. I'm not driving a car you got an electric bike that does the driving it's pedal assist when i need it i'm not trying to be lance armstrong i'm not shooting myself up with performance enhancing drugs here i'm just trying to ride around and get some fucking breeze baby it's 100 degrees every day in austin 7 a.m it's it's like 75 degrees and breezy it's beautiful i wonder if any dopers have used a pedal assist bike as well. I think that one would be easier to catch. I mean, the cheating is pretty extreme. I feel like there was, wasn't there a story of like a guy that had a cork

in his mouth or something and like there's a fishing line to a car. He was using that for a little bit of a boost. So he's getting pulled along by his teeth. Yeah, I believe that was the thing. Or there's even like, I think the best endurance runner in the world he cheated by using porta potties which was really smart he'd run a lap and then he'd hop in a porta potty and wait like eight minutes and then pretend that that was the

second lap and run through and that was his whole game plan you'd be very innovative with cheating that's really smart it was i thought that was going to be way more interesting i thought you're going to say that he'd like tunneled between two porta-potties and he was like It's not fucking Andy Dufresne. He just has to wait seven minutes. One other thing. I said I had some housekeeping.

As you know, part of the whole point of the F*** Face podcast aside from telling hilarious stories about how we f*** our own faces is we have the world's greatest F*** Face podcast, aside from telling hilarious stories about how we f*** our own faces, is we have the world's greatest F*** Face collection. And currently, Andrew and I are the only two people in the world to have the complete collection. I know there's been some discussion

about adding in Fred Roberts and Bussie, but the initial collection was only the Billy Ripken F*** Face card and Coolio's Daredevil autograph card for the movie he got got cut from Andrew. I wanted to congratulate logo da fish who tweeted me. He or she or they are a member of our club.

They, they display Billy Ripken and their daredevil card. So if you want to add in a Fred Roberts and a Tom Martin, a bussy Tom, him, I think it's Tom. I think you're right. It's Tom, Tom Martin or,ussy Tom, him? I think it's Tom. I think you're right. It's Tom.

Tom Martin and Fred Roberts. Feel free. Those will probably be easier to get than the two that you already got. But logo to fish, you're in the F*** Face Club, buddy. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Man, I gotta get involved. Have you got your Fred Roberts card? Looking at it right here. Hell of a set of eyebrows, Mr. Roberts. Came with a certificate of authenticity. Really? Yeah. For just a normal card? Well, it's of eyebrows, Mr. Roberts. Came with a certificate of authenticity. Really? Yeah. For just a normal cart?

Well, it's autographed, but. Oh, you got an autograph one too? Yeah, 67. It's item number 67604. You mentioned his eyebrows. He is, it's like Anthony Davis level. It is. He was ahead of the curve.

He set the bar for Davis. Did you know that there was a guy I was in high school with? I didn't, I wasn't friends with him and so I didn't call him this, but other people did. He would have beat me up if I did it. But he had eyebrows

that crossed, like, kind of like Gus, but, or like Anthony Davis or Fred Roberts, but his eyebrows crossed a little bit.

So they were, it was like a unibrow, but it, but it like crossed a tiny bit. And so they called him Malcolm X eyebrows because his eyebrows

were like an X Or some people would call him X-Man I get it I like the framing of Did you know that some kids in the high school I went to Called this other kid this nickname How would we possibly know? We assuredly didn't know that

Oh, did you? You weren't aware? No No, I was not aware Okay Well, that's good to know You think if I'm not keeping in touch with nuts on your chin, I'm keeping in touch with your eyes?

Oh, man. Dude, so what's with the Ian shit? Yeah. Can you explain? Okay. Is it time for Ian? We're already kind of at the end of this episode. Well, I have one hell of a great face story.

So I don't know. Can I fit two in? Ian thing I don't think is that long. The other one, I don't know. Can I fit two in anything? I don't think it's that long. The other one. I don't know. OK, so when we're doing the court case, right? And Jeff and I both came up

with our joke pieces of evidence where it was just splices from of audio put together to make a singular statement. Yes, one of us did an excellent job with that. I think we both did. But when I went to do that,

I thought I'm going to need to source words how like this is going to be a lot of work. The more people I can get working on this, the easier it'd be. It's also just fun to involve the community and stuff. So I tweeted, if you are an Achievement Hunter fan and also have a Discord, let me know. I have a project that you could work on. Did not anticipate the response. It was very overwhelming.

There were like 300 people requesting invites within the first hour and I was just inviting people away I had one friend in there and they were reporting me the chaos that was happening and I guess what had happened is two of the people had the same name of Ian and Then they thought it would be funny as a joke if they all called themselves Ian. So it'd be harder for me to address specific people from my understanding. And at that point, I just thought there's no way I'm going to be able to communicate to get, like, this is chaos.

So I just killed the server and then they made their own server and invited a bunch of people to it and they became the Ians and I joined as a joke and I said, tell me who is the original Ian. He revealed himself

and then I blocked him on Twitter and said, I killed your God and I left and I kind of expected it to end there, but they just kept growing and then I'd see their posts

on the subreddit and the Ruskity subreddit and it became like a whole thing. So then I joined them and because there's also a Krampus discord and I thought these really they need to merge somehow so i came into the discord and i declared a garfield cart competition both sides would have to nominate a champion an ian an ian yeah whoever wins gets to keep their server loser has to delete their home

you can merge obviously there could be an alliance afterward but there's no need for two servers so there was a garfield cart battle between the ians and the krampuses uh that was very that was very fun to observe all the while this was happening i just made a third discord because i thought this is sort of insane there should just be a face discord so i started that and uh they've since merged i had two people one from each of the discords come in they did a wonderful job the face discord is way nicer than it should it is beautiful they did such a great job they're incredibly thoughtful people and so yeah they had their tournaments the ians lost but then everybody merged and the the ians are done i love the kind of people that it attracts, like the F*** Face audience.

It's perfect because they immediately start F*** Facing you back by doing the whole Ian thing. It's really like a magical synergy. It was very confusing. You're supposed to let these things happen naturally, and I'm not trying to gently nudge, but I wonder if the F*** Face community wants to be labeled as something like face fuckers. Fuckers.

Or I think in the discord they're referred to as fuckers. Fuckers is cool. I think fuckers is better than face fuckers. I don't think anyone face fuckers. Fuck Andrews or whatever. Nah, it's not a good one either. You don't like

face fuckers? No, I don't. I's not a good one either. You don't like face fuckers? No, I don't. I'm not a big fan. I'm imagining a very different scene from Alien. Oh my God. So that's the Ians. I feel like I covered it. Okay, I'm glad I'm in the know.

I zoned out for some of it, but I'll go back and re-listen to this. What are you doing? I don't know. I was droning on about... I missed the part where the name Ian was a thing. I got I feel like that was a 90 second explanation. Do you want us to make these episodes shorter, Jeff? Oh, the fucking ghost guy in the road with his four minute story about having an ear infection.

I was there for all of that. Jeff, you can't give me 90 seconds to answer a question you asked me. I didn't bring up the Ians. You asked it. I'm not any happier about it than you are, Andrew. I'm also annoyed. I still don't know what the goddamn Ians are. I know that there was a Garfield tournament,

and I know that the fuckface community is nicer than the Ian community, and that they had a baby, or they merged or something. But I don't know why. And then you banned an Ian and then that Ian's not allowed to be your friend on Twitter or something. Andrew, he doesn't talk to you all week. He listens to you one time. I just lost the plot when you were explaining the Ian part. That's all.

It wasn't a depth plot is the problem. If it was complicated, there weren't layers. I'll go back and listen to the episode later. You're not going to though. No way. Gavin, why are they named Ian? Why are they called Ian? Don't tell him.

It's already been explained. We don't need to do this. Yeah, I feel like that's on you now, Jeff. Yeah, I agree. Listen, I'm not mad at Andrew. I don't think he did anything wrong. I'm mad at myself and my my goddamn inability to to pay attention long enough i was lost in my head i was thinking about other stuff were you getting

pushed over slowly is that what was happening no what were you thinking about if i may ask oh i don't know great i know i i distinctly remember i distinctly remember at one point going oh shit I think he just explained the Ian thing and I dropped that I wonder if I can figure it out from context clues as the rest of the explanation goes and then I tried I paid double attention for the

second half I just missed the first part but then you were thinking about paying attention over the top of actually paying attention it's like sometimes when you're listening to a podcast or something but you're you get a message or you read something at the same time and you don't take it in so then you wind it back but then you do the same thing again that makes you miss it again and it's like oh forget it all the time yeah that's essentially what happened and it's not andrew's fault in any way whatsoever i'm i accept responsibility for my addled brain are you offended andrew you offended by that no i'm not offended if he if he's taking responsibility i have no issue with that it was just funny it's also a very self-explanatory explanation for the

name which makes it funnier yeah it's very simple yeah not complicated at all um so going back to the beginning of the episode jeff uh eric said that he has the judge's ruling oh yeah we should do that fuck okay. Okay, sure. Why did you yell fuck? Because is this the end? Because I have a really good face. I mean, we can just do, it can just be a long episode.

It's just gonna be, like, it's up to Jeff because we have two sponsors. So if these are gonna be nine minute sponsor reads, you know. I can get this story done in like two minutes. It's a short one.

It's just, it's a great, it's a wonderful, I feel like it encapsulates the show perfectly. Can I, by the way, before we go any further, I would like to hear I would I would absolutely like to hear this story. And I'd like to hear the judge's ruling. But I'd like to address the nine minute ad read a comment by Eric. I don't set out to do nine minute ad reads. What happens is usually on tuesday nick will text me

or slack me in a panic in a tizzy and say like hey can you can you do these ad reads uh this one is more important uh i need them as soon as you can get them and i go okay and then i sit down and very rarely are they in any kind of usable format and that's not an indictment to nick that's not a problem i don't blame Nick for that, but I get bullet points sometimes. And then I'll say like, is there a script? And he goes, not really this time.

They just, you just kind of make it up as you go. So then I just hit record and then I say everything on the paper and I try to make myself laugh. I say everything on the paper one way and then I say it again when I try to write a joke for it

or something. And then I give him like, I don't know, a 30 minute file. I assume he can cut that down into 30 seconds or a minute or whatever he needs to. If these ads end up coming in at five, six, seven minutes, I can only assume it's because they're very good and they're very funny and there's too much good stuff to lose. Can't trim gold. Do you guys think this was supposed to make the episode shorter or?

Do you guys think this was supposed to make the episode shorter or? I will say, and in defense of you, Jeff, I left. I mentally left six words into that story and came back eight words on the back eight. I have no idea what you said, but the ad reads, right? They're long. Yeah. Editing. You got the gist of it.

Okay. What's the back eight? Like the back eight words, I'd say. I'd say I left on the first six, came back back eight. Isn't that meant to be like a golf reference with the back nine? Well, it wasn't a reference. It was just trying to measure words. It's kind of weird. I didn't know how long he spoke for, but I could kind of

say like... I just thought golf courses in Canada were different. Anyway, I don't set out to make these ad reads long. My point being Nick makes them long because he doesn't edit them down more. I don't set out to hit a double every time I'm up to the plate. Sometimes I just hit doubles. Would you prefer I hit a single?

At least in a double, I'm in scoring position. I'd prefer a home run every time. But if I'm getting doubles effort, then I guess that's what we're getting. Dude, I'm fucking 45 years old. I don't have a lot of dingers left in me. Andrew, tell me about how you f*** faced yourself. Thank you, Derek. That's a great transition by you. So I'm going to pay extra attention to I'm going to hear this whole story.

It's a pretty simple one. I think last week I brought up the fact that I have two Slack accounts. Yeah. Andrew Patton and not Andrew Patton. Yeah, I just switched it to not Andrew Patton recently. So I made one in 2017. Forgot I did it. There's a face channel

on Slack for us. And the other one was in there and I wasn't and nobody realized for like a month. Took a month to figure this out. I had other messages on that Slack account.

One of the messages, just let me pull it up, read it word for word. It was from a name I didn't recognize. I had two messages from them I thought it was odd. So I looked into it and the first message is this was sent on September 3rd I saw this September 11th when we recorded hi Andrew. I'm blank. I'm on the ecom team

Would it be possible if we could get one of your face mistakes hats? There are pretty high demand for it and we would love to replicate it and put it on the store they sent that one day after i started not the roostertea store i talked so much shit from the time the store opened to like a week later when i finally saw this i felt so bad i was talking shit every day every chance i could on twitter like everywhere public and they're wondering like man he's not only talking shit he's not even he's ignoring us too i'm ignoring them their perception was that i was probably this huge asshole who didn't want these hats but yet kept yelling about making these hats on twitter even though they want

them they were waiting for me the whole time. I was just screaming constantly about it. I had in my notes, I mean, who would have thought I'd make two Andy Dufresne references in one episode of F*** Face, but I had in my notes the day we recorded, bring up the Andy Dufresne method, rally the community to message the store at least once a week demanding the hats until they break and are willing to make them with no concept of they've wanted them for over a week, and I haven't sent them. They actually sent two messages They sent another one that was like hey just following up. Hope you're doing well No, can we please get one of those hats like they're so friendly and I felt terrible So not only are the fucked up face hats a complete face

in their creation, but the making of them also couldn't be more of a face. And you turned us against them too. Like we're here wondering like, man, why aren't they making this clearly high demand? What's going on?

In my defense, Eric said they were going to email me. So I never even considered a slack as an option. I was expecting an email. How many emails do you have though? You want the real answer? The real answer, like emails I use regularly, two, no, three emails. I just generally have probably 18. No, actually more probably like 23,

23 email accounts. Yeah. I think I probably have 23 email accounts. For what? Sometimes you need to email a show about trellises, and you need to be ready for when that day comes. Yeah. Do you think this is the longest? By the way, I heard that entire story. Me too. I was hanging on your every word. I didn't drop any of it.

I heard the front six. I heard the middle 2,000 and the back eight. I got the whole thing. I was enraptured by your storytelling ability and your prowess is unmatched. And I just wanted to say it was a great story. And thank you for that. If we want to make this short, we could always cut the shit at the beginning

about me being early. I think that's the best stuff. What I was going to ask is, are we trying to cut this shorter or should this just be the longest episode of F*** Face we've ever done? We haven't even had the judges ruling. Yeah, we haven't had

the judges ruling yet and also if Eric's worried about the ads being too short, I can make them longer. Why would I be worried about the ads being too short? When did I say, man, I sure am worried

about the ads being too short? Like, what? Well, it sounds like you just said it and if I have, if you give me 30 minutes with Adobe Audition, I can present that to you.

That's gonna say. If you give me 30 minutes with Adobe Audition, I can present that to you. That's going to say. Tell us about what happened. Yeah, the judge's ruling. Okay, so it is difficult to get a judge to do a ruling on a podcast called F*** Face. Most judges do not have senses of humor, as I have come to find out. they don't think it's funny that you've asked them to do something they don't want to settle your bet well we're paying though aren't we yes and that doesn't seem to matter we paid a judge yeah what was the hourly

cost i can't tell you i can't a gentleman does not reveal numbers however through great effort did you hire legal zoom no uh working with gus found a website where you can hire a judge for uh different rulings and things like that and so i have actually not one not two but three judges rulings that are all about a minute to a minute and a half long so i don't want to sit here and make you guys listen to every unless you really want to you know listen to every word of all of these rulings but um i think you'll get the idea of kind of where they're all going when i uh you the first one. Oh, I'm so excited. Here's the first. Hello, this is Shaheen Daivari. I'm from Hired Judge.

I also was an attorney for three years and went to law school. And so I'd like to start by saying at the very top that it is patently obvious to anybody who both listens to the podcast and understands the scenario that Andrew should in fact have to eat a pencil first he made the agreement and made the bet and I want to say that up top because there was some type of backtracking that Andrew was trying to pretend that truth isn't truth and it wasn't really him. But truth is truth, my friend. It was clearly your voice and it was recorded. And that evidence definitely weighed heavily on the decision here today. Second, the crackpot legal defense team did not do their job enough to get paid.

So I really hope that you did not pay these people saying that you didn't properly define a term in the contract um isn't necessary in oral agreement contracts and it's not a necessary in in contracts what's necessary in a contract is an understanding between the parties as to what the pencil is you both understood what you meant by pencil. No lead. You don't want any lead. You don't want someone to get poisoned. Graphite pencils are perfectly harmless to eat

in very small amounts, meaning one pencil. And so, buck up and eat the fucking pencil. I was okay with that ruling until the very end and also no judge says buck up uh this judge did i'm accepting of the ruling i have some questions though i want to get drinks with that guy i got an erection okay can you believe the part the part that got me was when he talked about an oral agreement and that you both understood what a pencil was and it's like that's exactly right these guys went above and beyond like i understood what a pencil was and it's like that's exactly right these guys went above and beyond like i explained to them what was going on and gave them pieces of

evidence they listened to like whole episodes oh no that's what i said i'm like no don't do that oh no they listened to whole episodes they got back to me in like a day this hired judge.com they got back to me in like a day i worked with this guy blake he was fucking awesome they like really went above and beyond all three of them said andrew has to eat the pencil this is incredible i'm blown away by that i don't know what i was expecting that exceeded everything oh yeah phenomenal that was what complicated when you guys were like how could you have a trial with no judge eric kind of told me that was the direction he was going to go in that was always going to be the case. There's never going to be a judge.

It was a tough thing to defend, though, that stepping on the amazing bit. I can't believe you got three. This was really impressive. Yeah. I have two more if you guys want to hear them, or we can just insert them into the show later. I'll be honest. If you'd have told me when we were recording episode one of F*** Face, if you'd have played me that clip that you just played, I would have absolutely no idea how we got there.

I would never in a million years been able to piece that together. In only 16 episodes. What a journey. Yeah, and also as a side product of a burger-related issue. Like the pencil thing was a burger thing. I'll accept the ruling, and now that this is kind of over I'll be open

about my my intent I absolutely said I would eat a pencil I didn't think I did at the time when you first brought it up Gavin I genuinely didn't think I said that but then uh I talked to some of my friends who listened to the show and I said yeah can you believe Gavin said that I thought he thinks that I said I would eat a pencil if I lost the bet and they all universally agreed they're all like oh yeah you absolutely said that the thing is is that I wonder I was I wonder if you were sort of jeffing it because even though I was saying that to you you never acknowledged the pencil part in the bet you just kept talking around and asking about other things to the point where technically you never even really, you never agreed on it with me. He did.

I feel like I probably did. I summarized it and we were, and both agreed that you were on the same page. He definitely did eventually. I didn't remember it at the time. And then you, that night, Gavin texted Jeff and I audio clips of me agreeing. And I felt I had no choice but to just claim that that was not my voice it's the most ridiculous explanation i could come up with and thus we had a trial it was the most fucking frustratingly hilarious wall i've been presented with which was you just refusing to

acknowledge the naked truth we just couldn't push through the walls impossible and nothing we said bad this is like kudos The Trump defense worked very well. Up to the very end. I was not going for a Trump defense, but I will say it was sort of horrifying, even though the legal team didn't work out. Being transparent to them and saying like, I absolutely did this, get me out of it.

And then seeing the minds of like people that have even a grasp of how the law works, working together to get me out of a thing I absolutely committed to was horrifying, also fascinating it was weird this was a great learning experience from beginning to end i think yeah we've done good work overall i agree i mean it got a little aggressive but i feel like that was all the fun of it at least in my end i know we paid those judges so you know fucking congratulations you got you got your cold hard cash but also like thank you that was like they went above and beyond that was really cool to have

our little debate our little argument get presided upon by not one not two but three like crackpot judges that's uh that's pretty. I don't think you know what crackpot means. I meant to say like, I said crackpot. I meant to say like a crack team of three judges, but I said crackpot. I was thinking about myself. You made it sound like Eric found them in an asylum or something. Yeah, now I've insulted our judges.

No, I love that they exist, and I love that we have access to them now, and I just, I can't wait for other stuff. I have a rapport now. I'm working with Blake closely. He says that he likes the after listening to this stuff. He likes the show. So I don't know.

Like, he's really into it. So I told him that if we have other stuff that we have to settle across any of these other podcasts, we'll be going with Hired Judge. Absolutely. So they can help us out. That reminds me, I think I actually know what went wrong in my defense. Okay.

I made a critical error. I'm going to blame Eric for this. This is Eric's fault. It really, it was my downfall. After we recorded when we agreed that we would be having a trial, Eric jokingly sent me a Fiverr link to a wizard that said they knew how to cast a win a court spell.

Win a trial spell, I believe was the wording, which I promptly got. I paid for my spell. Still haven't gotten it yet, but I feel like just trying to get a court spell. Bad voodoo. I think I kind of jinxed myself. I think there's no scenario in which I win. The wizard failed me. I guess don't trust wizards is my kind of general point. That reminds

me, Andrew, you and I were going to do that whole thing where we used magic to bet on the NBA. Yes. I told Eric that when Eric presented me this, I was like, oh yeah, this is a path that Jeff and I have explored in the past. This is a thing we consider. We still got to get, we got to get back on that in the new season.

I agree. Do you think we should go back to double recordings? I feel like we've always got way too much stuff for a single recording. This is a weird one. This is a weird one. And then also, I can't record at the normal time next Thursday. I don't know if you saw, Eric, but I hit no on the invite. Yeah, I saw.

Yeah, because I got it's a i got a round 36 of the root canal we'll find another day in another time it's fine there's not a trial anymore we have it settled we just have to see andrew eat a pencil now not there's not a trial anymore but we do have uh three judges on the hook waiting for the next one which is exciting i'm slightly worried about the what the next week holds for Andrew because at the time of this recording, the previous episode is yet to come out. And that's the one where he sort of Oh, it's going to be fun.

minged up the entire court case. Oh, I'm excited. It's going to be great. Get ready for the storm. People are going to be furious. Oh, yeah. Just know that I love you, Andrew. Oh, I appreciate that.

That's what was so funny was listening to two weeks ago's episode when I proposed the trial. That was just me like putting my toes into the heel water. That was just like a little little dip in being a bad guy on purpose. And people were like, he's the biggest bitch in the world. And I was just laughing like they've got no fucking clue what's going to happen next week. They're going to hate it. Gavin, Andrew texted me, I want to say yesterday at 7 a.m. Texas time.

So it would have been 5 a.m. Canada time. He texted me and just said, I've Greg Millard myself. I kind of forget the whole world doesn't understand wrestling. If you don't know who Greg Miller is, he's a popular video game entertainer, kind of like us, who is the perfect heel, as it were. But the first, like, Rooster Teeth content he did,

he went full heel with no other context, and then people hated him because they didn't understand what a heel was. Yeah. I Greg Millered myself. I went for heel without thinking if people know what a heel is.

We should probably wrap this up. Yeah, hey, thanks for listening to another of this episode 16 of F*** Face. Hope you enjoyed it. This was the legal episode. And thank you to Andrew and Gavin for continued hilarity. And Eric for doing the bare minimum. And Nick, you're great. And I'll go ahead and say it.

Bare minimum. He got a judge. Yeah, I know. This is... Congratulations to... Eric did a great job. To me... Nick, you're great. I'll go ahead and say it. Bare minimum? He got a judge. Yeah, I know. Congratulations to... Eric did a great job. To me... Nick always does a great job. Great job, Jeff.

I mean, you zoned out. You did well. I don't know if you get a great job. You like a 6.5 out of 10. That was a first successful story arc. I think we should all be very proud of what we've done. Yeah. Is that the first one?

I mean, that was like a three-act story. Yeah. Until we're on the podcast talking about how the bathtub boat race went. Probably, yeah. I also have to get back to basket weaving. Something I've been meaning to do. There's... Andrew and I were talking about this the other day, Gav.

Like, the world building and the lore of F*** Face for a podcast that's only 16, 18 episodes long, it's dense already. I thought you don't talk to Andrew in the week anymore. No, we found a kind of middle. Yeah, it's hard with the playoffs, Gav. He's the only person I know that I talk about sports with. Sometimes Eric will text me at night, and he'll just be like,

how about them Celtics? Or Kawhi's a bitch, or whatever. And I'll be like, yeah, and I'll talk to him for a second. But if I'm going to talk about sports, it's gotta be with Andrew. And, uh, so yeah, there's,

there's a, there's a truce as it were. The last message from Eric is, uh, thanks for listening. Rate five stars and subscribe and the episode. What are you doing? Thanks,

man. Thanks for listening. Rate five stars and subscribe. Oh, and also, uh, dear Boston Celtics, do not face yourselves tonight again.

Game one was the biggest professional sports face I have seen in a long time. And I had no patience. I had no fucking patience to watch that nonsense happen again. So let's not face ourselves out of the goddamn Eastern Conference finals. Eric brings up a great point, and the results of that round will be completely determined by the time anyone hears this. Two weeks old. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm mad about it now. I agree. With ads, this is going to be 90 minutes. They're calling it the greatest block in playoffs history. I don't know about that. Which is a little excessive. Eric, you're gonna have to... I've never seen worse

clock management at the end of a game. You're gonna have to step in, Eric. Ever. I don't want to talk shit about my beautiful Celtics or any individual Eric, help. God bless them all. But, uh, it was rough. It was rough. Thanks for listening to this episode of F*** Face. Rate 5 stars and subscribe, and don't forget to check out the fuck hat

shirt that's red it's the red fuck hat shirt go check it out on the store and you can hit click the link below we'll see you next time for face

I'm not done yet do you have that yet for I'm not done yet no no they haven't sent him yes yet for Jeff Ramsey Gavin free and Andrew

Panton we'll see you next time on face what are you gonna have for dinner tonight Eric Jesus Christ can you imagine drawing up a play where you just stand still, dribble for 10 seconds?

Oh, shit. That's a great question. Andrew. End this. Okay, sure. Just a second. Andrew, have you watched the HBO show Hard Knocks? Yeah.

Yeah, I watch it every year. I've never seen it. That's a great show. How early do you show up to a basketball game? Oh, I show up 45 minutes early. Yeah, you want to be very early for a sporting event? Very early. Because A, you want to... I don't

know if everybody does this, but I like to walk the length of the arena. Because it's a circle. So you want to see where everybody is sitting, where it is. You go, you immediately find your spot, right? You go in, make sure everything is good there. Then you walk around, you survey all the food. You figure out the very best place to eat. Then you go get that food. Then you walk around, you survey all the food, you figure out the very best place to eat.

Then you go get that food, then you sit down and you watch Shootaround and pregame warm-ups, and then by the time the game starts, you already have pissed, you've eaten, and you're ready for basketball. Have you ever watched Road to the Winter Classic, Jeff? I don't know what that is. What is that?

It's like Hard Knocks, but hockey. What the fuck? What is going on? Stop. Eric, have you seen Hard Knocks? It's like Hard Knocks, but hockey. What the fuck? What is going on? Stop. Stop. Eric, have you seen Hard Knocks? It's about the Chargers this year. Yeah, I've seen it. Yeah, I hate the Chargers. Yeah, I don't like them anymore.

Do you like the Rams? No. Who do you like in the football? I like Red Zone. Eric, what are you doing? Red Zone is great. I'm trying to get this to end. I figure if I answer these questions currently, it'll be over.

Goodbye. It's all about, it's crazy. I assume that there are other seasons, but this season, it's all. There are so many seasons. Oh, it'll be over. Goodbye, Eric. It's crazy. I assume that there are other seasons, but this season, it's all about Corona and how they're restarting the NFL in the pandemic.

It's fascinating. I would say that this was a weaker season, Jeff. If you enjoyed this one, is it over? Yeah, it's over. Also also Amazon has a football show where they do during the season which is also very good oh I would just end your audio recording that has to be the end of the

episode oh there's there's another voice audio channel come up look are we still going let's I don't know I think we should in the podcast Jesus Christ hey thanks for listening to face go ahead and like and subscribe and tell a friend we we love you

we already did that no he did it I didn't I thought we ended or we might have to cut this one down all right that's the end you