F**kface - Season 4, Episode 1 // I'm Gonna Set the Law on Gire [84]

Episode Date: January 5, 2022

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about Gavin pulling a visual joke on an audio podcast, a technical nightmare, a season change, and becoming a true crime podcast. Is this the worst episode? Welcome to Season 4. If you want to send your towel cards in, send to: Infinity Towel, 1901 e. 51st st, Austin, TX 78724 Want to contribute to bits? Email what you can do to [e-mail] Sponsored by ExpressVPN (http://expressvpn.com/face) and HelloFresh (http://hellofresh.com/face16 and use code face16) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Here we are. 2022. First episode of the year. F*** face. We just started, Andrew. You're starting off 2022 with a bang. Can you believe it's already year three? Is it? No.

When does year three start? On the second anniversary of F*** Face. Yeah. So episode 104. Can you believe it's almost year three? But we're already three episodes into season three at this point man the time flies computer freeze Frozen is this I'm is this a bit. I don't you know I don't think we wait Can you can you hear me or we hear you and you can you hear us? Oh? Yeah? It's just frozen my screen is frozen I'm trying to print the law my screen is frozen it's just showing jeff talking and nobody

else lighting up so i thought i froze again this is typically what happens when i disconnect during the show uh are we what how many pages of the law have printed out i don't know it's downstairs i'm just assuming i'll just check it out you just sent the law to a different room and it's just printing away there is downstairs i don't know what you want from me i don't have a printer up here like Like, I can't send it. What am I printing it on in this room? If I keep it in this room, what am I doing, Gavin? Well, I don't know. You have a Keurig in there, so

who knows? It's true. That's a fair point. I can't argue that. I don't like that I can't see who's talking and when. I feel like I'm constantly frozen. That's your fault. That's your fault. That's your fault. You did that. No, yes, you did that. First of. No. Yes. No. Did that. First of all, I wasn't saying no to you.

I agree with you. You're right, Eric. This is all back. We're good. Never mind. We're fine. It unfroze. We're good.

I want to talk about a thing before I forget because we should have mentioned it last time because it's specific to the one we recorded before. I immediately texted Gavin this once we we finished i completely misunderstood the turkey sandwich story i don't think i could see i misinterpreted what was going on in that image so badly i said what you were laughing at was potentially funnier than what happened in my story it is quite i think you can maybe make the case that my version is funnier, but makes absolutely no sense in the logistics of how planes work or describe it. So where's that picture? Do we still have it?

Like, yeah, I understand the picture. So I'm going to post the photo again. Okay. Revisit this in the chat now. Okay. So the way that how, how do you misunderstand this? I guess I only speaking of Gavin talking about his peripheral vision failing

him, I feel as though I only used my peripheral vision to fully look at this photo. I only looked out What? I only looked out your window. What? I never really

I circled in a giant red circle, man. So this is how I interpreted the photo. And maybe with your peripheral vision, you could do the same. I was looking at a window and to my right is a wall. You're facing a wall. That's a wall with a hole.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? So I interpreted it as like you're sitting at the front of the plane. You're at the front of whatever section you're in. Why is Jack typing? We've got mice in the pantry How is Jack in our discord right now? We could so mess with Jack Because he's not listening

Yeah We could do something like... Yes. Okay, and then... Were you waiting for one of us to have an idea? I've had the idea. Okay. I don't want to type.

That's the funniest... What a fucking great idea. You're a goddamn genius. You're the funniest person I've ever met. That is the funniest fucking thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Oh, my God. I was going to post that later, but the fact that Jack started typing in here was just,

it made it the perfect time. Oh my God. Do you want to explain what you just posted? Um, well, I kind of came in out of order actually, but I posted, um, a picture of Jack and his car, then a picture of his, who left? Uh, Andrew left. Andrew left. Okay.

I posted a pic of a picture of Jack's car. Then I posted a picture of Jack's car key. And then I put an arrow to under his car seat. And then I posted a picture of a bag of cocaine. And a big picture of Jack smiling next to the car. Just so Jack has to look at all these pictures and assume that somehow in this episode... Because I've been thinking about this but didn't know the timing of it.

Or people would be mad because they like... They like the segment so much. I can't take it. It's too funny. The sequence is great. You're definitely telling a narrative that Jack is smuggling cocaine in the back of his car. I can't see. I'm dying.

I'm dying. laughing so hard. Oh my god. The longer Jack doesn't respond, the funnier it gets. Now I'm nervous that he's gonna be mad. That's what makes it so much better. Next week on F*** Face.

Three pounds of cocaine are under my car seat. Oh, man. He got a Jetta a jail free card He's doing your idea He's inspired Apologies for the very visual gag there To the audience But I assume we can somehow

Make a picture of it The turkey thing If you did that as a wall You're right Going back to this which is the where's the wall so the window in front of you i thought that was a wall and not a window and i thought but it's a window there's shit out of it you can see out no listen i understand this is really dumb and i only learned this because I was describing what had happened

and nobody knew what I was talking about. I assumed, I'd created in my head that because of COVID and wanting like distancing, that if you had a wall seat, they had like a little food hole to put the food through. And so in my head, your version of the story, you're looking out that window and then they shoved a turkey sandwich through the food hole and that's what you got spooked at Not that it was just a reflection in the window in front of you

He's in solitary confinement They're shoving his food through a fucking hole. I haven't been on a plane I had questions too about how this would even work. It didn't really make sense in my head, but that's how I turned it on. Just imagining some guy getting blasted by the wind, stood out in the wind, trying to shove Turkish sandwiches

into the first class cabin. Obviously it was not outside. I assumed it would be where the attendance would be. There's a wall, and there's the natural barrier. Sometimes there's a toilet on that wall, on the other side of it. And I assumed that they had a food hall for the wall so you didn't have to be near the person to give them their turkey sandwich. So what I was saying about the reflection and the optical illusion,

I don't understand which part you thought i thought was the plane do you think i was just looking at someone's hand come through the hole with a turkey sandwich and that looked like a plane all right okay i think you've stumped them oh yeah yeah today is a technical nightmare i I went into Achievement Hunter. Nothing worked. I was there for two hours, filmed nothing. Had to leave. Are you serious? To come home and film my video,

which is now being rushed. And that broke too. Now this doesn't work. Do you think it's you? Oh, yeah. Too many coincidences, right? I got good coin luck, but technically wise. Oh, man. coin luck but technically wise oh man dude i cannot wait to see how jack handles this it is

gavin that is really the funniest fucking thing to me i don't know why it's just oh god it's the best how long you been holding on to that uh i came up with it last night. Nice. Look at you coming up with ideas. That's awesome. Do you think? I mean, I do. The goal is to make it seem like you didn't plan a bunch of stuff, right?

Where it's more spontaneous. Yeah. Are you giving a little peer behind the curtain? I write. I write all this shit down. No, I write it all down. But the way,

the way I bring it up is often like if it's near a conversation, I can just pluck from the list, and it seems less like I'm stopping the conversation to come up with something. Totally agree. What are you on now? Well, my computer's still frozen. I have this. Stop printing the law! Well, okay.

I've stopped. Okay, I've stopped. The print't know how... Okay. I've stopped. The print has stopped. My computer's still frozen. I plugged my Xbox headset into my phone. I'm now talking into my microphone for recording the show. I'm talking into two mics right

now, but I can hear you through until I unfreeze. I think I've unfroze. I think we're okay. Sorry. It sounds like you're calling me from a season one Red vs. Blue recording. I made that joke. I know. Blood coach. Yeah.

Okay. Am I unfrozen? I'm unfrozen. I'm going to swap back. Do you think you're going to have any problems editing this, or do you think it's just going to be pretty straight and narrow? Easy peasy. Oh, man.

Said, dude. 2022's off to a shit start for Nick, man. So are you back, Andrew? I'm good. I'm back. Sorry about that. We're all good. Which part did you hear me ask you about?

Oh. Did you think I got scared by a guy's hand coming through a hole and not a reflection? Okay. I missed it. It froze again. Oh my god! What did you say? Sorry.

I was going to do a bit, but it actually happened. Oh my god! What did you say? Sorry. I was gonna do a bit, but it actually happened. I just don't care enough about the answer to ask you again. Okay. Did you think that I got scared by a guy's hand with a turkey sandwich in it

coming through a hole instead of the reflection of that behind me? Exactly. I thought that you got scared by somebody shoving a turkey sandwich through a hole unexpectedly and you just saw movement and that's why yeah the time i mean i may have not described it very well i was worried about that at the time because it's it's without the visual you had the picture though i did have you described it exceptionally clearly it was fine it was It was just my dumb brain.

I decided that was a wall and that was facing you and that that was a food hole and that planes now have food holes since I've gotten on flights. I made a lot of leaps. Don't you think I would have mentioned the phrase food hole? Yeah, you probably would have. I wish you guys could have seen the room

when I was trying to describe the food hole to the plane. I think I open with, you know how planes now have the... Oh, God. What is that? The thing, like, you did a great job. The thing you didn't account for is that Andrew doesn't understand planes. I don't understand planes, and I apparently don't see,

because we had the same issue with the break shit thing where I was like, there's nobody in the stands on that card and then people were like, what are you talking about? That's a full arena. My eyes just don't work. Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah. I had so much fun on that last break shit. The fuck stick break shit. I feel like

that show is really coming into its own. One of the things that we... I was i was saying the last podcast in 2022 i want to i want to go into sports in a big way i think one of the ways i want to do that is that idea that we we officially announced on the break show which is that we i want to create the infinity towel right which is uh you know you guys have long made fun of me for having a a baseball or a basketball card that has a swatch of Marcus Smart's game-used towel. And it says, tools of the trade, which you think is ridiculous that a towel could be a tool.

And we had the idea. And it might have actually been your idea from the beginning, Andrew. But we had an idea to get as many different pieces of towels from as many different NBA players as possible. And create the most talented towel of all time the goat of towels the infinite towel with like lebron james and kobe bryant and steph curry and you know jason tatum and and nikola jokic and all the best players and then we just sew it together and make this like patchwork uh quilt towel of power as it were it was an idea that arranged... I didn't know the towel cards existed. I didn't know that was such a dumb

thing that could even possibly exist. I wanted to do a jersey. Says FoodholeGuy. I mean, that's... That's my stupid... What a dumb idea. I would never call the trade towel card. That's absurd.

Towel into towel. Nice, Nick. Nice, Nick. There are cards, too, of like, there's a whole set of Adam Sandler shirt. He's cutting out again. This sucks. This motherfucker. This blows.

He needs to stop the print. He's still printing the law. We're bordering on not having a second episode here if we have too many more of these fucking problems. Nick is a tremendous editor, but he can only do so much. He can't invent audio that doesn't exist.

Yeah. He can't create a show out of sackcloth and ashes, unfortunately. Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe you could. Maybe you could do Andrew for pickups. Oh, he's gone. Andrew's gone.

He's gone again. Well, Gav, do you want to just... Oh, no, he's back. Is he back? You guys... When are you going out of town, Gav? Monday. Tomorrow or something?

God damn it. Yeah, do you think his C drive's full? Well, yeah, because the law is a very it's a thick document so i would think that saving that unless he just printed it from a browser which is more insane it's like all of his cpu usage is floating the law in a web browser. 100% CPU devoted to the law. Google Chrome. Am I back? Oh, boy. In a big way.

You're back. I think I'm back. Oh, yeah. Fucking. Is your computer full? Is everyone quiet? Is this it? I'm talking to you.

I'm talking to you. Oh, my God. Andrew! Can you not hear me? Is everyone quiet? Is this? Oh, my God. I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you. Andrew. Can you not hear me? Can you imagine? Can you hear me? Can you imagine? I genuinely can't hear you.

I'm so sorry. I'll leave and I'll come back. It's 2022. You're like, I'm going to start the new year off right. I want to I want to start fresh. I'm going to I'm going to pick up a new podcast. Maybe something that's been recommended to me. Or maybe I'll just search around for my relative interests. Oh, f*** face right.

Yeah, I'll give this a shot. I might as well just start with the most recent episode. Just start 2022 off as they are in 2022. This would be the last episode you ever listen to. This might ruin podcasts for you as a whole if you listen to this. Jesus. Andrew. Jesus.

Andrew. No. Oh, God. This is really something. Are you just being quiet now on purpose? No, I'm back. Now I'm back. What do you mean?

I'm so sorry. You're not back! You're cutting out, you idiot! What do you mean I'm cutting out? What do you want? What? What do you mean? I'm cutting out? What do you want? What? What do you mean? I'm cutting out.

Do you know what he means? No, I don't. Delete the law! Delete the law! I deleted the law. That last time I froze up, I was just going to my tab with notes. I was just going to my notes tab.

Don't do anything! Do nothing! We... Okay, I'm not going to touch a thing. Can we just... Use your mouth. No hands. Can we go to touch a thing. Can we just... Use your mouth. No hands. Can we go to the next season? Can we just change seasons at this point? I feel like this season's

already lost. Can we move to whatever? Season 3? Season 4? Whatever we're on? I think we gotta change seasons. I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah, we can... This could be the last episode of season 3. Let's swap seasons. Season 3 was horrendous, but don't move in this episode. has to be next episode we need

a clean break you can't do a mid-episode season switch has that ever happened on an episode midway through all right well now we've got to do it because it's because it's groundbreaking because we're doing shit that nobody's ever thought of before. And that's the moment season three, year two of F*** Face ended. Congratulations, you've made it all the way to season four, year two of F*** Face. Episode one, season four, year two, F*** Face. Overall, episode 84 and a half, I guess, at this point,

is where we are maybe yeah we may be tainting season four as well um but i think it was worth doing just to be a mid-episode switch of seasons i feel bad for season three i feel like season three had a lot of opportunity had a lot of good momentum and then it just got bogged down with with uh technical problems that that it's going to make it look in the grand scheme of things it's going to be overlooked as a season but for what it was two and a half episodes or whatever i think it was really strong it's like a season of luther or something short we could probably submit the entire season to an award show or something like best season because it was strong it was very brief yeah strong and brief yeah it was very british great point because they they always submit like just one or two episode from

a show those award things we could genuinely do the entire season season three is fully up for nomination i will say is since we started season four uh your your audio has been phenomenal andrew yeah yeah that's what i said. We gotta... God damn it! Oh, but are you serious? God damn it! God damn it! God damn it! No!

He must be messing with us. You can't ruin season four, too! You killed season three! You can't kill season four in the... It's in the cradle still! It hasn't even taken its first breath womb! It's in the cradle still! It hasn't even taken its first breath yet! Its eyes aren't open!

You can't kill it now! We might have to go back to season three. I don't know that this is insane. You can't do that. This is wild. You can't go backwards. I mean, it's like, I just don't think that season four ever got off its feet. And now look at where we're at. Like, this is...

Oh my goodness. Never got out of the womb. This is like a season three post-mortem. I just don't think that season four ever got off its feet and now look at where we're at. Like this is. Oh my goodness. Never got out of the womb. This is like a season three post-mortem. We might just have to put a bullet in season four and start over again with season five. Holy shit. No. No, we can rescue season four. I'm so sorry.

What are you doing? I wasn't doing anything. I was just sitting at a screen and everything froze. My computer stopped. I stopped printing the law like an hour ago. I'm wearing two sets of headphones. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know what to do. I'm talking into two microphones right now. What do you want from me? I'm trying. Legible right now. What do you want from me? I'm trying. Legible audio. This is Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.

Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.

Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.

Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.

Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.

Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.

Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.

Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.

Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.

Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.

Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.. Andrew. I did a plug but then there's going to be double audio and so I did a plug but then I'm This is getting fantastic, baby!

I could unplug, but then there's going to be double audio, and so I can... Don't unplug. Don't unplug. Don't unplug anything. Don't do that. His original file is still running and recording his original mic. Gavin, zero. I don't know what Nick is going to do. Here we go.

What do you mean? Is this... What mic is this to do. Here we go. What do you mean? Is this? What the fuck is this? It's the same mic. I just put the headphone out, and I'm talking into it like a phone. It's the same. It's the phone, but I removed my Xbox mic. It sounds so much better.

Yeah, this is good? No, it's not good. It is not good. It is not good, but it sounds better. Okay. But I'm still. This might have to be the final episode. This might be where this all ends no because i have plans for 2022 i want to talk about an idea i had

i just i really andrew do you want to i want to end on my idea so andrew do you want to cover what you wanted to talk about no it's go ahead you talk about your idea i'll be here i'll just be quietly listening all right well here's the deal 2022 new year fresh start right we just started season four we put season three to bed a little earlier than i anticipated by about 50 episodes uh but whatever that's it i have no interest in looking in the rearview mirror. Let's move always marching forward. That's what we do, right? We're going to advance towards

future victory. So season three was forcibly put down, Nick said. Yeah. Jesus Christ. It's like Old Yeller. We took it around the back behind the barn and put two between the eyes. Fucking hell. It had rabies, yeah. We had to cut its head off just to make sure.

Otherwise, Billy's going to get a series of shots. We got cursed. Oh, God. Hey, thank you so much for listening to F*** Face, a extremely chaotic episode. I apologize. I would not recommend attempting to download and print the law while recording a show.

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of this episode so we've done really well for ourselves we created an unsearchable unsellable unnameable podcast about less than nothing and we've achieved all like an incredible amount of success in that endeavor. And I'm floored by it. It's a testament to how talented you all are. It's a testament to how supportive the comment leavers and the regulation listeners are. But I feel like we've hit a plateau. And I want to figure out how to break into that next echelon to keep growing, to keep innovating and getting better because we're changing the world here, through through this podcast and so i was thinking like what can we do that what can we take on that's bigger that maybe is more momentous that could have some sort of a an effect that that

improves the the state of things in some way and then it hit me we and i was also looking at what's popular on other podcasts and stuff i think think face in 2022, we need to solve a murder. That's what all the true crime podcasts are doing. They're all out there solving murders. Why don't we find and solve a crime or a murder? We can do it right. We've got the regulation listeners. Andrew's got a spreadsheet of multi

talented people we're relatively smart we've got reach and influence why don't we solve a crime a mystery and then we'll and then we'll i just got me imagining what if there's another podcast out there trying to solve the child kicker problem oh my god oh my god i'll be right back oh my god Oh my god. Oh my god. Jeff, did you accidentally eat pastrami? Now we've lost Jeff. I think we may have found the murder.

What is going on? What is the murder, Jeff? Did the dog kill? I think the murder might be Jeff. Was that his bit where he's like, oh my god, he's the victim. He's forcing us to solve his murder. No, I'm not. I'm not going to fall for this Clue dinner party bullshit.

He is not. He is fine. This is a game. No, you're talking about me? No, what happened was I was taking a drink of Diet Dr. Pepper right when Gavin made that joke about the Vancouver Child Kicker

and I threw up in my mouth and I laughed so hard and I shot Dr. Pepper into my eyeball and I had to run to the bathroom to dry off because I shot out like a half of Dr. Pepper all over the mic, all over my phone, my pants. Oh, it was. And it was immediate. We thought you were doing a bit where it's like, guys, we should solve a murder. Oh, no.

Someone with a knife. No, no, but your wit was very sharp. I will say that. Anyway, yeah, this is something. Unhinged is a great way to put it, Eric. So anyway, if the audience is aware of any murders that need solving, let us know.

We'll look into it, you know? No, don't send us any murders. We don't need any murder information Keep that to yourself or contact the authorities. We don't need to get involved in murder army of murder finders Yeah, well I mean that we want a cold case right we want to like a BTK type thing We don't want to I'm not looking it has to be well established. We want vintage is known yeah Yeah, we'll do vintage murders only. What if we finally solved the Zodiac Killer?

Wouldn't that be cool for our podcast? What a feather in our cap. I feel like they just did that. Didn't they just do that? I feel like that's the bad example. I thought they just solved that. Yeah, but what if it was us? What if it was us?

That's what I'm saying. That's a fair point. What if we were fucking, what's his name's wife rest her soul oh patten oswald patten oswald yeah yeah only murder only murders in the dark is that what that was called there it was fucking phenomenal there's something like that yeah uh what it sounds to me like i need to start printing the law again is what you're saying i need to get back into it get to the fine details i could be a details guy for this law thing let me we start back up i only got like i don't know 700 more pages no maybe wait let's wait until

after the podcast and then maybe you can print the law i guess as long as i get to print the law at some point i'm okay with i don't know what you guys want to do in 2022 but i wouldn't i wouldn't be opposed i wouldn't be opposed to becoming sleuths. If we solved a mystery of some kind, it would not be shocking to me. That seems fine. When you press print on the law, how many pages did it say it was going to do? I just clicked.

You've got to be kidding me. Did he go again? Was he doing it in real time? Did he click print? did he click print did he click print on the law again he was like well i did this then i did this i'll tell you one thing if we might have to solve if this happens a couple more times in this episode somebody might have to solve the murder of Andrew Panton we can't even solve why his stuff doesn't work and you want to solve murders this is

something I'm looking at the time on our recording but I'm also looking at the time the separate clock in my head of how much real content we have oh we're four minutes into the seven we got seven okay minutes right now. No, I think we got like 18 decent minutes.

I'd say at least 19. Oh my God. I'd argue a strong 19 at a minimum. Did you repeat your question, Gavin? I missed it. It froze on the middle. You're asking page count? Yeah.

How many pages was the law? I was wondering if the law, if you could climb the law, was wondering i have no idea if the law if you could climb the law like if you couldn't reach a light bulb but you but the law was thick enough to climb to change it like could you make the the law useful in other ways that's a great question how tall i would be with the law how tall is the law is is like the only thing i need to be in the nba the law if i could just stand on the law would I then become like a genuinely decent center in the NBA in addition if you burned the law in

a fireplace in 8k could you burn it for eight hours and if so would people watch it this podcast feels like we had it in one piece at the beginning it smashed and we're all four of us on our hands and knees, like turning over pieces of it, like reading off it. You know what it's like?

Yeah. It's like that Japanese art where they like smash a bowl and then they put it back together and then they outline the breaks in gold. Right. And then it's supposed to show like new beauty and the preservation and the reconstruction of it. We're doing that, but we're all out of gold. So we're using feces.

Can we upload this podcast but change the logo for this one episode to a smashed window with the face logo on it? We have to. Oh my god. Well, that was my clip for 2022.

I want to solve a crime. Andrew, what do you want to do in 2022 other than buy a fucking computer that works uh well let me go to my notes i gotta load my notes up don't do it oh no well i'm already frozen on my phone it's fine okay uh let's see i and we may have covered uh uh home alone i wanted to talk about home alone with you jeff you recommended home alone i'm a new one i recommended home alone the ellie Home Alone. I wanted to talk about Home Alone with you, Jeff. You recommended Home Alone. Home Alone. I recommended Home Sweet Home Alone. Home Sweet Home Alone.

Yes, you recommended it. Watched it last night. It was not terrible, but I don't... Why would you recommend that movie? I thought it was cute and okay. No, it was... There are so many... I like the MCUcu the involvements of the mcu i like i thought that was a great a great way to bring that in i told you it makes total sense

and it feels like you get it and you go that's enough i i appreciate it the fact that the fact that you find out spoiler so if you if you don't want to get spoilers from an okay movie uh don't listen to this part but the fact that kevin mccallister is still fucking with his brother after all these years is really fucking funny i enjoyed that and i like the idea that kevin mcallister created like a home alarm empire that he's like the home alarm guy that he has a system i just didn't know who to root for and you you root for rob delaney and ellie kemper not the kid the kid's obnoxious you don't care about the kid you root for the criminals in this one that's that's what makes this one different but i feel like is that the criminals are the main characters and and the sympathetic characters

but it still has all of the horrendous traps and stuff in it that is supposed to be the fun of the final last act yeah i don't care who gets hurt i just want to see people get hurt i just felt confused i didn't know i didn't know who to cheer for i felt like it took away from the traps i didn't want them to get hurt, whereas opposed to the first film, they're such great, dumb villains that it's just every time something horrible happens, you can cheer for it.

Felt very tonally weird. Did Kevin McCallister's parents ever find out what happened to him while he was home alone? That's a great question. I think if they had, the second movie couldn't have happened, right? Why would he keep that from them? I don't know. Why would the police that from them? I don't know.

Why would the police not tell them? Why would they ever let him leave their site again? I mean, he almost died. A bunch. They were gonna kill him. He also cleaned up all the mess except for the gold tooth. Yeah, that's true. How did that not get swept up? Yeah. Eric's leaving now. At least he's letting us know ahead of time. I'm just stepping away for a second.

I'll be right back. Nick, cut this out. Nick, leave it in. Can we have a... What? Can we have a podcast where every single cast member doesn't leave at one point? Well, can you not be so funny you make me throw up on myself?

I just have to... I finished a cup of coffee. I have to piss and I'm just... You guys are talking about Home Alone 6 or whatever. I'll be right back. You don't say anything 90% of the time. Why would you even bother telling us? I tell Nick. I let Nick know and I figured this was easier.

I always let Nick know when I'm stepping away. And next time I'll just let Nick know and I won't let you know. Nick, do you need to take a break at any point, Nick? Are you good? Well, he's typing. Nick says you picked a hell of a time to do that, and I'm good.

I will say, one thing that kind of annoys me about this Home Alone thing, I get that it's not a great movie. I just said I enjoyed it. I thought it was cute. I really, I enjoyed getting a piece of that world again.

I think the thing that's funny is all the shit that, you know, that you and people are talking about me on Twitter, when it's very clear to me they haven't seen the movie. They think they're talking about Home Alone 3, and they're not. I had some kid go the other day and some kid was like,

I've known that movie sucked since I was 12. And I'm like, the movie came out November 15th. You cannot rule out that they've turned 13, Jeff. You can't rule it out. I didn't. But it's become very clear to me that people don't know what movie we're talking about. I get, I looked it up,

it's got a 13 on Rotten Tomatoes. Like, it's not well-reviewed, but I don't think it's nearly as bad as the Heat that it's getting. Is it Home Alone 5? Is it technically the 5th or the 6th one? It's either 5 or 6. They definitely made 4. I think it's 5 or 6. Okay. I remember

3 being not as good, but watchable at least. Yeah, 3 wasn't great, but watchable. Yeah. It was an interesting experience to watch because I started it and then I tweeted, are you fucking with me, Jeff? Or something along the lines, too, Jeff. Because it starts horribly. It's a really shitty beginning to a movie.

And then by about the halfway point, I almost wanted to tweet an apology because it's not good, but it's not the worst. And I could see myself being nine and really enjoying this movie. And then the last act happened. And the last act was terrible. I hated the last act as well. Not the worst thing ever, but it's

a weird recommendation. I thought it was a good holiday movie. I'm glad I it that's fair that's fair i mean what about it's weird there's some snl cameos in it that are very strange that i don't understand why like they're not big enough names to have a reaction to and they're only in it once well do you want to do you want to know why i think it was written by mikey day from snl oh I think it was written by Mikey Day from SNL. Oh, I think it was. I think it was co-written by him, if I'm if I'm correct. So it's from SNL alum in some way. So I think I think that's the connection there.

Oh, there's fucking Dr. Pepper on my keyboard. Which Dr. Pepper on my keyboard was my biggest computer problem at the moment. I take that. I feel like it's you're doing that. I don't. I don Dr. Pepper on my keyboard was my biggest computer problem at the moment. I'd take that. I feel like it's your doing, though. I don't... Even interestingly, so Mikey Day and Streeter from College Humor wrote that movie. Oh. I used to love those Prank Wars.

Prank Wars videos, yeah. Yeah, those were fun. And some of them were brutal, like the skydiving one. Jesus Christ. Oh, God. Or the proposal at Yankee Stadium. Yeah. They got real.

They escalated fast. That was a great series. If you're not familiar with, I guess, early to mid-2000s college humor videos, they had a series called Prank Wars where this dude Streeter, who was trying to be a stand-up comedian, and then this amir uh you might remember from jake and amir uh they would do these escalating prank wars and there was one where amir uh put a paid to get a uh a wedding proposal on yankee stadium from streeter to his girlfriend and didn't tell them and then he gave streeter and his girlfriend free tickets to the game, and then secretly recorded it

when it popped up in the seventh inning, and his girlfriend thought he was really proposing, and all the cameras and everybody looked at them, and he had to be like, no, I'm not, and it was fucking brutal. It was a great series. Yeah.

I don't know. I feel like it's tough when the punchline of the prank is you think you're going to die. That's a tough prank. What are you wearing i should re-watch this oh they were so good or the one where he made him think he uh he hit the half-court basketball shot with his eyes yeah when he was blindfolded i briefly played mario

kart with amir for a few nights and uh all of our we weren't talking we didn't have like voice chat so all of our dms to each other are just like in the moment messages about that particular mario kart race so our dms make absolutely no sense that's fucking funny uh andrew are you still able to talk um eric you done pissing you want to be andrew while he's gone every time you drop yeah i've been back for a while this episode has made me feel weird i feel weird i feel different i feel like a different person i just don't know what you do like i don't want this all started because he wanted to print the law not even in this episode now we're in the situation that we're in i know what you mean i don't i wouldn't say I feel weird, but I don't feel good.

Nick said that this is the writer's strike episode equivalent, and I couldn't agree more. He said that season three is typically a good season, and then now we're into season four, and it's really falling apart. It's genuinely hard to get worse at something that you do all the time, but I think we've proven that possible time and time again.

Andrew? Andrew! Andrew! I am so sorry. I just wanted to know the laws. I just wanted to know the laws. We might have to create some official f*** face laws about how we conduct

ourselves during the things we're allowed to do in the periphery while we're recording. Oh my god. Do you know the law now? No, it's dead. It's dead. I don't know.

It sounds like he's going through a blender. Sorry. I want to take that blender. Wait, you still sound like you're on a blender? Yeah, now you say. You know in all the movies when a robot is being destroyed and right at the last minute it starts talking like the voice box is all broken. You sound like a dying robot from any movie.

Right now, still? You're Hal from 2001. You're Ash from Alien. Well, here's the thing. You sound better now, but I know as soon as we say that, you're going to drop out again. I'm not touching anything. I haven't touched anything for a while.

I'm scared to touch anything. Nick said he's stuck between 2021 and 2022. He's stuck between seasons. It's a problem. He's still got one foot in season three. Yeah, we've left that behind, Andrew. Andrew? Well, at least we're not stepping over each other.

Gav, what do you want to do for the next eight minutes or so before we can stop this? Eric, what have you got for this week? Let me think. What do we... We got the... We have some really interesting merchandise coming out.

You don't have to sell stuff. Just, you know, what have you got in general? Like, what's... What are you looking forward to in 2022, Eric? Wrestling? You know,

I'm looking forward to some of our podcasts going on tour. Not this one, but other podcasts going on tour. I'm looking forward to traveling. You don't think this one's going podcasts going on tour. Not this one, but other podcasts going on tour. Looking forward to traveling.

You don't think this one's going to go on tour? Oh no, this one's allowed, but trying to coordinate to get it on tour has been increasingly difficult. It's going to happen. It's got to happen. I mean, I'd love for it to happen. It's going to have to happen. It's going to have to happen in Vancouver. We're going to have to go to Andrew. I don't give a shit about doing the podcast on tour i don't give a

shit about doing it in front of an audience or any of that stuff what i care about is crabbing i care about bathtub races i care about all the stuff we're gonna film when we go to canada the podcast tour is just an excuse to get us together so that we can film shit in Canada. Well, I was told that the original idea of going to Canada for this podcast tour is not doable, so the earliest we could do it would maybe 2023. What? So we can,

but we can try to go to Canada otherwise. Yeah, we've got so much to do. We've got to have dinner in Andrew's bath. We've got to find Andrew's house. Well, if we go to Vancouver or whatever to go record with Andrew, we have to bring a lot of equipment. You do.

There's no way we can use fucking anything that Andrew has. Well, we won't even be tripping over the law just to get in. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. We have to film a fireplace video in Vancouver. Yeah.

If this wasn't free, I would be giving everyone a refund. This podcast. You know what, audience? I'm going to give you a free fund. You didn't pay anything, but I'm giving you a free. It's an emotional thing. I'm giving you a little. It's a, yeah. Now, your time, though, it's a yeah, it's a trust me. Now your time though,

that's gone. We can't give you that back. Can't do anything about that, yeah. But just know that we wasted potentially more of it making this than you did listening to it. Oh, it's, we're getting the kinks out for the tuxedo. It's all that matters. I will be prepared. It's never gonna work. I will be good to go. I will say

if that goes flawlessly if we record and the tuxedo works and we have no technical issues i'm jumping out a window i'll flip i'll fucking flip do we have the tech worked out for the tuxedo i assume we'd all just be watching at the same time or on our own feet let's just sync up i think that i can host it i'll just get you guys a program that's very easy so you can view my screen in real time uh yeah that'll be good because i'm doing it over discord because i don't trust whatever andrew just said andrew's gonna sit on his remote jeff's gonna spit dr pepper on his it's gonna be a mess if we're having to re-sync is gonna be a whole thing are we afraid of like tuxedo audio

bleed coming into our commentary or anything i don't care just wear your headphones and you'll be fine okay should we the the episode that's just come out this week was i think the first episode of season three should we just tweet and tell everyone that season three is over already i can't say what can't say why, but season three is- Season three is ended. Season three got two in the- two behind the eye. Yeah, we should. This one's coming together though. I think we've got a significant amount. I think this is a fine- I mean, why am I fucking talking? I don't know what happened for 80% of the show. I'm the least- I can't evaluate this. You're talking- play catch up, motherfucker. We need your word count. Gavin and I are out of juice.

According to Audacity, I've been recording for 18 minutes. So what? What? What? What's that? Oh, poor Nick. Oh, what do you mean? What do you mean?

Also, we should probably talk about something that Andrew told me in confidence about last week's recording. Oh, yeah? What's that? Is Andrew even going to object to this? Is he even here? I don't think he's here anymore. Yeah, so you can just do it. He'll never hear this. Now he just says he's typing! Jeff, when you pitched... Anderson, I'm going to go set the law on fire.

Fire-fic fuck. Oh my god. He can't even type straight. Screenshot that. I quit. Fire-fic fuck. Is Jack doing a read of this, of what this episode is? Because it's insane.

Because in the middle of everyone going, no, Andrew, stop. It's just Nick linking to Home Alone, the Holiday Heist. And there's some stuff about his car at the top. Oh, my God. Andrew admitted to me last week that while he was recording he for some reason had to stop recording for like a minute and then just resumed his file so without even mentioning it to nick so that he knew that the edit would go out of sync. Nick said that explains a lot. So I guess his file just skipped forward. And

I was like, well, you gotta tell him. He's like, I can't bring myself to tell him. Nick, how did that go for you? What did you have to figure out? I should have just told you, shouldn't I? I had the information, too. You're part of the problem. Nick probably missed a fucking milestone with his kid because he had to spend extra time editing yeah nick what happened i looked up and there was this huge

desync and i was like oh and usually it's by like a quarter of a second but instead it was like by 10 he started laughing at nothing like it was just silence then him laughing into the void it was super bizarre so finally i figured out what he or i figured i was like oh his computer is just stupid so i backed it up but now that i know that his computer yeah his computer messed up look at today we uh i think we this might be the hardest we've faced ourselves in a while oh big, big time! Which 18 minutes do you think Andrew has? He's got 18 minutes of him going, well, I think

We should take Andrew's raw recording from today and press that onto vinyl and just give that to people. I just came back and heard 30 seconds. Great, Andrew. Fucking awesome. He didn't like it one bit. He didn't like what he was hearing. I just came back in her 30 seconds great Andrew He didn't like what he was hearing Reboot what I would have reboot 25 minutes ago. Why would he do it?

How is this better than the two minutes it would take to reboot and restart oh Man, this is incredible. It's the law preventing a reboot maybe yeah can the episode title be i'm gonna set the law on gaia it's against it's against the law to stop the law during printing oh oh i got one piece of uh just a minor housekeeping uh because i know you guys are so fucking concerned about my physical health. I got the results of my x-rays back on my hips. Sorry, I can't. I'm just looking at what Andrew's typing. Didn't like it.

Didn't like it one bit. No, no, Bib, you fuck. Bella Hadid. What? We have to ignore Andrew for a sec and listen to the x-ray results. What happened at the x-ray store? Well, they were brief. I got a very quick email that just said,

nothing on x-rays. However, you do have arthritis in your spine. And I don't know what that means. That's all he said. He just said, I'm like, I guess I got to fucking, I was like, okay. So I guess I need to make a follow-up or something. You're in your 40s.

Time to feed the dogs. Well, I already have arthritis in my shoulder. That's well documented from the bike crash and the freeze. Yeah, and my spine. So I'll take that as good news, honestly. So just real quick, I'm just thinking like top of mind stuff or whatever. Throw an 80 still or what's up? Well, that's a great question

that'd be a big part of 2022 right i'm definitely off on my timeline i don't think i'm gonna get there on my 90 day window or whatever because i haven't been able to i mean you know get on a bicycle or lift and like it's been rough but now that i i know that structurally my hips are fine and i'm just dealing with arthritis in my spine, I mean, it doesn't change the fact that I have a lot of pain still in that leg, so I guess I got to figure that out. But at least I know there's nothing structurally wrong. So I think it all is a good sign that I can get back to my training now.

I'm going to attempt to ride a bike for the first time in over a month this weekend, and we'll see how that goes. And then if that goes well, then I'm going to start throwing heat! This is the bike that pedals for you. Yeah, it's the sitting part that's hard, not the pedaling part. Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. Okay. That makes sense. And then I'm sure Andrew has a lot he wants to say now, so take it away. Yeah, Andrew,

go ahead. Just whatever you... So he typed, didn't like it one bit, no, M-N, bib, you fuck. M-N. Bib. You fuck. O-R. Had. The head did.

We'll have to screenshot that, right? We'll have to screenshot that and... Yeah. One day this Discord chat will make a tremendous book. Oh, so Jack has to read through all this too. So that's pretty exciting. I wonder if he's gonna be able to even do a preview or is he just going to say the episode exploded? Like, what's he going to say about this?

It's a great question. He also said this is the perfect episode to introduce a new person to the... Do you think so? I mean, I guess it is the letter of the... I mean, it's within the spirit of the name. What does it say about us that we actually put this one out? What does it say?

We have zero quality control? That we have other things to do? That we ran out of hours to make anything else? Andrew's not even here anymore. He's just gone. Why doesn't he reboot? He's one of the hosts. He's one of the main hosts.

He does the intro sometimes. Sometimes. He does the ads sometimes. He did ads last week, yeah. Which I appreciated because I couldn't get to it. Well, fuck, dude. I guess we should stop. Don't you have to go play video games or something, Gav?

You have to play Pinball Machine or something? I have to go to an arcade and do a bit of filming. Sorry this episode was bad. Gavin has to go to the arcade. I'm the only one who didn arcade and do a bit of filming. Sorry this episode was bad. Gavin has to go to the arcade. I'm the only one who didn't leave in the middle of it. Listen, I only left for one second. I left for one second.

That's fair. That's fair. And it was only because of your talent. Yeah, if anything, it's your fault. I'll take it away. I'm happy with that blame. Nick stayed the whole time. That's true.

Well, now you did it, Nick. You moved the carpet with your wife. You already said that. You were like, oh, first recording. Okay. I was here the whole time for the first recording. That's nothing. Look, there's something to be said, though, about setting an incredibly low bar at the beginning

of something. This year, it's hard to trip over. Yeah, we'll do well to be worse than this. That's a good point. And if'll do well to be worse than this that's that's a good point and if that's not a selling point for tuning in for the next 365 days of face content i don't know what is it can't get worse that means next week when you tune in and listen to it it's gonna be at least this good but probably probably, like, slightly better. Yeah, we might be at the beginning of a pretty severe dip. It only goes up from here,

the f*** face story. That's right, Nick. Oh, my God. Well, I guess I'm done. Nick, Gavin, Eric, you guys got anything else? You can check out store.roosterteeth.com

for all the cool f*** face merch we have out now. Go check it out. I'm sure there's some things that we didn't even know went up uh boys of Zimmer etc go check it out yeah and I'm pretty sure that the uh fuck sticks are on the way don't forget about those also we've got the the metal uh bread clips coming uh three socks we're gonna solve a murder those are and i believe i believe the uh community christmas album came out and uh that i i was just starting to listen to it last night it was very good so give that a shot too why do you think folgers trademarked the piece of foil that goes over the top of their coffee excuse me like when you open it and it says aroma seal tm like what's special about their piece of foil

well i guess seals in the aroma hey i just feel like there's there's seals on everything they don't all have fancy names you drink a lot of folgers uh i'll drink folgers in an emergency yeah if i've got like old beans or something gammy old beans i mean it's i i'm not criticizing it is the the best part of waking up as they say yes that is what they say as someone who hand grinds your beans eric do you ever do you ever stoop as low as folgers uh like i guess in a like if i have to if i'm on set and there's coffee and that's it yeah but it gives me a headache like it tastes like the taste gives me a headache i think it's just but i think that's linked to like that smell from like when i was a kid or like school or something i don't think that it's like the coffee necessarily that gives me a

headache i think it's psychosomatic andrew's apologizing yeah he andrew's back into apologizing andrew are you on mike do you want to apologize on mike Andrew, are you on mic? Do you want to apologize on mic? No, he's maybe gone again. I think he can talk now. He's just too embarrassed to speak. I wouldn't be surprised if Andrew was able to talk for the last five minutes. Andrew, do you want to do the outro?

Andrew, do you want to do the outro, buddy? It's all yours. Say whatever you want to do the outro buddy it's all yours say whatever you want well there you go Andrew Panton as always a man of few words thanks for listening I threw the book at him oh man I swear to god if you listen to the next episode it will be better than this do not

do not give up on us today it can only get better 2022 is gonna be a good year i swear we just had to get all the dog shit out of the way out the gate. Last time we were talking about which episodes people were recommending to their friends. Just make sure it's not this one. Yeah. Never. This is the episode.

Episode one of season four or the forgotten episode as they call it. Also like subscribe. Bye bye. Bye-bye. Bye now. Hey guys, Minor League fan Jack here with a look at next week's episode of F*** Face. It's the Bobcat and Steve show. Andrew is most certainly a shorts guy. Gavin likes toys.

Jeff discusses a sucky new invention. Andrew's bed is broken. Did he know about the Canadian McGriddle? And once again, Andrew does not eat the pencil. All this and more on the next episode of F*** Face.