F**kface - The Boys of Dumpty // Apple Facts & the Regulation Apple [79]

Episode Date: December 1, 2021

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about if we're recording next week during our recording this week, the Boys of Zimmer, Geoff's real doll & his bike dump pants, and Andrew's never had a milkshake. Want to contribute to bits? Email what you can do to [e-mail] Sponsored by HelloFresh (http://hellofresh.com/face14 and use code face14), Honey (http://joinhoney.com/face), and Hello Tushy (http://hellotushy.com/face). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Dragon's Dogma 2, the highly anticipated successor to the cult classic Dragon's Dogma, is out now on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series S and X, and Steam. Dragon's Dogma 2 is a third-person action RPG boasting a richly detailed and deeply explorable fantasy world created using Capcom's RE Engine's immersive physics, groundbreaking character AI systems, and cutting-edge graphics. Dive into the vast and dynamic world where The Arisen is called upon to fulfill a forgotten destiny across the nations of Vermont, the Kingdom of Humanity, and Batal, the nation of Beastrin.

Dragon's Dogma 2 revolves entirely around choice. Your choice, that is. From the sword and shield-wielding fighter to fighter to the illusion conjuring trickster, there are over 10 unique vocations to choose from that all require experience to unlock new skills. And character customization is out of this world, literally. Oh, and did I mention the combat is really in-depth? It isn't just hacking at a giant's ankle for half an hour while your dodge roll attacks. You can engage enemies from a distance, climb up large foes, stab them in We'll be right back. to learn more. As fall transitions to winter, there is nothing better than cozying up with a comforting home-cooked meal, especially when HelloFresh makes it so easy.

Get up to 14 free meals, plus three free gifts, with code FACE14 at HelloFresh.com slash FACE14. HelloFresh.com slash FACE14. This is a Rooster Teeth production. slash face 14 this is a roosterteeth production

hello and welcome to another episode of this podcast called face jeff gavin andrew uh how's everybody been the last eight seconds? Great. That might be the shortest time. Oh, shit. My audio. It might be the shortest time between recordings

we've ever had. Oh, if I start a new file, it starts repeating myself in my own ears and I got confused. I don't know how it happened. I don't know how... Episode 79, by the way.

I don't know how it happened, but I ended... We just ended the podcast and I felt great. I was like on top. I was like, oh, I got my energy back. I had some Gatorade. I don't know how it happened, but I ended, we just ended the podcast and I felt great. I was like, oh, I got my energy back. I had some Gatorade. I'm feeling good. And then the second we started this podcast, it went away. Really?

Why don't we do a different day then? No, no, no. We gotta get through it. Next week's Thanksgiving. We gotta do this. It's Thanksgiving for one day and then Black Friday. There's still a whole week before that. Okay, you're making yourself available? Is that what you're saying? Next week, I'm available. Is Nick and Eric?

I can, yeah, I'm good. You guys want to do Tuesday? I mean, we're already recording, so I don't know why we wouldn't stop. What are we doing? Here's what we should do. Here's what we should do. Let's record.

What are you doing? In the middle of? What do you mean? Let's record next week as well. Oh. Okay. Well, I assume we were going to record next week anyway. I assumed we weren't because it was a holiday week. I also assumed we weren't. Oh, okay. But, you know

with the problem, Eric, you and Nick and I are the Americans. Thanksgiving means shit to these two. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still barely know what it is. It's our second biggest holiday. It's, I celebrate it. I'll have a turkey going on Thursday. The mashed potatoes and to these two yeah yeah yeah i still barely know what it is it's our second biggest holiday it's i celebrate it i'll have a turkey going on thursday the mashed potatoes and everything that's all you got to you got you have to if you watch sports you have to because i got sick of

like well also just on social media you're seeing turkey all day and you feel left out you need to have it even if i didn't work for an american company i would be celebrating this because it's just you can't there's only so much turkey you can have shoved in your face without having it it ruins my day lack of cranberry sauce and thanksgiving no mashed potatoes it's like it's fucking ruined there's no replacement do you get it in that can and it like sloughs out no like no no no no i'm making my own cranberry sauce. You don't make your own cranberry. You got to make your own. You got to make your own.

What, you actually like buy cranberries? You buy cranberries. You put them in the pan. They start popping. Oh, it's a time gap. You put them in a glass of water. You eat them in the bar. When you have your five-star meal on my bathtub,

I'm going to get a candle for you. I'll make you some fresh cranberry sauce. It's going to be a great time. You put on your favorite Dolphins fight song. Or maybe it's the Chicago Bears if you want to support your rookie. And you just pop a few notes. Oh, somebody needs to. The coach isn't helping. Someone

needs to support Justin Fields. He has no offensive line. I got a thing about that too that's talking about stuff not being evergreen. First off, can I just at the top hit a couple of notes just so I can feel like I made some progress on my stuff? Yeah, please do. Number one, here's the first thing I wrote down. Let's all record

our farts and then see if we can tell them apart. I can't do them. You can't fart? Well, they're just really quiet. I'd have to have a microphone in my colon to get any sound, I think. Well, I'm not opposed to that. If we need to do it.

I'm about to do a whole colon thing tomorrow. I can pick up some pointers from the doctor about inserting cameras and shit. I think it would be fun. We get a bunch, everybody farts. We label it with some random name so we don't know who it is. And then we mix it up

and then we give it to Nick or somebody, and they put... Well, I would like Nick to be a part of it, actually, so we give it to somebody who's outside of the episode, and then... And then we listen to it. We all see if we can get it right. I think it could be fun. Gavin, if you can't fart, that in itself will be... You'll be easy to figure

out, because you'll be the one that goes... Maybe I'll eat two tins of beans and see what I can work up. The fiber one bars? I'm telling you. Get some fiber one bars going. You'll get a fire. You'll be going. Eric said good name. Gavin, you didn't get credit for that. I might have missed it.

What was the name? Wheel of Fartune. That's a great. Oh, that is a great name. That is a great name. Wheel of Fartune. That's a fantastic name. I was trying to conjure a fart during the Cosmic Crisp review the entire time as a protest movement i just couldn't it wasn't you were gonna fight in the middle of us eating apples you're an animal i was no i was trying really hard it was the only thing i could do it's the only weapon i had i couldn't build it in time the bomb was not ready i should have went in prepared oh you know what i think we should do

while the cosmic crisp apples still exist at RT? Yeah. I think, and then Andrew, obviously, actually, maybe we should wait till you're able to get one. But the day you get a Cosmic Crisp, I think all of us, Nick and Eric included, should put a Cosmic Crisp apple in our fridge in the back, and then we all agree to pull it out

365 days later and eat it. Yeah. I think we gotta test. We got to test. We got to test the longevity of the apple. It's one of their major bragging points. It's one of the major selling points about that apple. What about when this winter, all of my power goes off for four days? What do I do then?

You'll be fine because it's 20 degrees outside when your power goes off. The apples will be... I'll take it out of the fridge and put it outside. It'll be fine. Okay. Wait a second. You're the guy that was giving me shit about refrigerating my apples. Did you just ask me what would happen if you were not able to refrigerate an apple?

Is that what just happened? I'm saying if I'm like 10 months in. Is that what just happened? Am I like fridge locked to it? Oh, so at what point does it become acceptable to like refrigerate an apple, according to you? What? No, my only point was I don't buy enough apples to need to store them that long. I'll just eat them

as they're out. And it feels weird to eat a cold apple versus a room temperature apple. I agree. But the selling point of... But this is... Irrespective of Gavin and whatever we agree or disagree with in him, the major selling point of the Cosmic Crisp is that it lasts up to a year in a fridge, so I want to see that.

I think we need to test it. I agree. No, I completely agree. I think it's a great idea. So the day you get your hand on a Cosmic Crisp, let us know, and we'll figure it out on this end. I just really want to find out if the 8 rating stands

for an apple you've eaten. Yeah, I do too. We'll find out. Let me see if I can... I'll check right now. I don't think I'll be able to order one, but there's a website. It doesn't matter. Anyway, continue.

Sorry, what other notes do you have, Jeff? Man, I got so much, I realized. We had a comment-lever regulation listener named Ben Davis, who's really awesome. He's very communicative on on social who made a really cool uh action figure of me in a porta potty that i want to show you guys at some point that i think i should have talked about last episode it's amazing fucking you've seen a little bit of it that's really cool i also wanted to show you guys i got a really really cool baseball card out of a random ass drop the other day.

And I was so blown away by it that I wanted to show you guys immediately, but I figured it'd be better to do it on camera. This is a baseball card I legit pulled from a pack I bought at a baseball card shop the other day. Didn't know this card existed. It's a cool... Oh, the boys of Zimmer.

The boys of Zimmer. It's Ryan Sandberg, Andre Dawson, and Greg Maddox. These would have been Chicago Cubs like in the probably 1990, 1991. And I was so blown away. I thought it would be fun for us. We need to remake this baseball card with us and sell it as a poster. Boys of Zimmer. Which one would you be?

Jeff, you'd have to be in the middle. I would like to be Andre Dawson, if I'm being honest with you. All those guys are Hall of Famers, but Andre Dawson's the coolest motherfucker. And he's got a cool pose. I want a bat. I want to hold the bat. Andrew's the bat. Andrew's Ryan Sandberg.

I'm Greg Maddox, and I'm just holding my hand. It looks like you're holding your dick, dude. And I'm also lookingdox and I'm just holding my hand looking like it looks like you're holding your dick dude and I'm also looking at the others what you're doing is you're covering your phone you have just received a text from Jeff and you're affectionately looking at how great the text was that's what I'm doing

I'm really excited to respond anyway just a little thing but fucking very very cool I thought that i would share that with you guys don zimmer continues to make his presence known in our lives weekly it's despite the fact that the man is dead did he coach all three of them uh i guess he must have yeah what what a weird what did he coach health no he coached two of them and one of them never met him it's the boys

zimmer card what are you fucking talking about maybe the dumbest question i've ever heard two of them were his players i was just a zimmer fan no but it might be like they're an organization and one person knew him oh yeah the baseball team the zimmers everyone's favorite these are the boys do you think these are his sons gavin like what it what a fucking what are you asking did they play for him what did you say did you was a player even know did they know him they met don zimmer fucking boys the zimmer card so you're putting that up there top three dumbest questions on the face podcast do you think i i'm not saying overall i'm saying it's one of the dumbest questions i've ever cast, do you think? I'm not saying overall. I'm saying it's one of the dumbest questions I've ever heard you ask

on the show. I'm just surprised his face isn't on there. That's mainly it. He's not a boy of himself. Why would he be on the These are the boys of Zimmer. Boys of me. They're not his sons. What the fuck?

It's a teletype. want fucking zimmer's head in the top right just looking down on them like what do you want where's zimmer in this car it's just expecting a lot it's expecting every single person who sees that to know who don zimmer is sure but i like what are you i don't i'm so i don't know how to reply to that i got so many issues with that statement i don't know where to begin to that. I got so many issues with that statement. I don't know where to begin. You're buying baseball cards. In the world of baseball, Don Zimmer is so famous that simply putting the boys of Zimmer on a card instantly every baseball fan on Earth knows who they're talking about. I don't think there's a single person, Gavin, who knows who the guys on the card are who would then not know who Zimmer is. It's like it's like a baseball card.

would then not know who Zimmer is. It's like a baseball card. It's like a baseball card that just said the boys of Baker. It was a picture of three hands. If it was Dusty Baker, that would make sense. Would it? Well, if it was three Houston Astros, I guess. Okay.

But they were called the boys. It's a whole. I think you're taking the boy thing is where it's really thrown you, Gavin. It's like, that's what they were called. It was the boys of Zimmer. The whole team was because the tape that VHS that we're going to watch is in that called like the boys of Zimmer as well. I think so.

Yeah, I believe it was like a playoff. The boys of summer, right? Yeah. Other little one. I just threw up. It's just a picture of a Humpty Dumpty that I ran into when I was in Detroit. I like a play off the Boys of Summer, right? Yeah. Other little one I just threw up. It's just a picture of Humpty Dumpty that I ran into when I was in Detroit. I had a whole Apple weekend. I kind of covered

it in the supplemental episode, so I don't need to go through it again, but I couldn't remember if I shared that creepy ass fucking Humpty Dumpty with y'all or not, but it definitely stuck out to me. Once again, Humpty Dumpty also. Don Zimmer, Humpty

Dumpty, they're everywhere in the world. You just don't realize it until you open your eyes. See, that would make sense. The Boys of Dumpty and Three Eggs, everyone would know who that was. What's wrong, Eric? What don't you get? The Boys of Dumpty? Well, it's the same format? What don't you get? The boys of Dumpty?

Well, it's the same format. I don't know. It's a colloquial name. Guess who just got back today? The boys of Dumpty that had been away. Jesus. And I'd also be wondering their connection to dump to himself like were they were they in the same packet of eggs were they also cannons yeah were they were they muskets that's that's where my confusion is because we talked about how Humpty Dumpty wasn't necessarily an egg and so your thing is

it would be an egg but then he wouldn't be on there as an egg but we know he's a cannon so it's just three eggs and it says boys of Dumpty What? I just don't think it's a strong format I agree if it said if the first thing we saw was boys of Dumpty in three eggs I would say this format's incredibly weak Incredibly weak.

This is so funny. I feel bad about the last episode. Oh, God. What? Do you think, Gavin, did somebody have to sit the eggs down? Did someone have to sit the boys down and explain what happened to Humpty? It was a tragic accident. We tried!

We could not put it back. It was three sad eggs. I'm also deeply alarmed by the slushy flavors in that photo. What the fuck is a blue razz? What is a blue razz? Blue slushy is a raspberry flavor aren't they

but what it's like the universal slushy color for a raspberry to differentiate from strobes really i think so okay well like a blue slush puppy i never would associate that as like a raspberry huh you wouldn't no it's just blue it It just tastes blue. It has a blue taste. I mean, you know it's all based on a fruit, right? What fruit would you think? I would assume blueberry. If you're going blue. Like, typically you make the color match the fruit that it is, not the other way.

But does anyone really, on the tip of their tongue, know what a blueberry flavor tastes like? Yeah, I love blueberry. What are you talking about? It's a top fruit. I'm a big blueberry fan too it is it's up there i mean i'm a fan i like this i like the flavor it's just not you don't pluck you can't like pluck it from memory as easy as a strawberry i don't even know what you're saying at that point i don't like the memory of the like it like it doesn't remember well what does that mean what it what what does it remember well like what does a dragon fruit taste like do you remember i've never had one i don't never tasted it okay uh bad example uh there's not a single fruit that i've had that i couldn't like remember what it tasted like really yeah i'm kind

of i think i'm with andrew on that one yeah oh shit you have fruit forgetfulness it's only a little bit like if you if i ate one i'd be like that's definitely a blueberry like if i ate one blindfold right you would recognize it if i drank blueberry flavor i don't think oh i didn't mean to send the sorry Sorry, continue. So, okay, Gavin, if we're doing... If we're making a poster that said The Boys of Berries, what berries are you putting on? What are the three...

What are your berry types? Well, strawberry and raspberry are in. And probably banana. Oh, banana is a berry. I remember that was a crazy... Banana is still chalky. I will stand to that. It has a chalky texture You got bad banana memory

You don't even have fruit memory I can't trust anything that you say about what fruit tastes like You don't remember They're not chalky Chalky to me is almost like powdery In terms of texture and taste I don't know I'm telling you how it is.

And I think it's the highest ranked Halo Infinite player here. I think my opinion stands above yours. What are you, gold four? As a diamond one, okay? I don't want to... Your fruit opinions are wrong. And I will hold to this.

What's the correlation between fruit and Halo? It's just rank. You know, Jeff, as you brought up, it's a military ranking in the past. I just feel like I hold a higher standing in an argument. I could just I'll pull rank. I'll pull Halo rank regardless of how relevant it is. I'll pull Halo rank.

You got to be careful of that because Gavin could get himself promoted real quickly. There's no way Gavin's ever going to pass me in Halo Rick. There's a 0% chance. It could happen. I could play with some good people. They could track me up.

I don't know about that. Maybe some of Jeff's new friends. Yeah. Wait till I find my new friends. You can play with them. Then they won't be

my friends anymore. They'll leave me for you. Hey, do you want to play Halo tonight? Uh, yeah. With you? Yeah. Yeah. Andrew? Are we doing ranked or like

what are we what are we doing some this is ranked oh uh ranked face plays halo i like that i like that one thing i would like to add uh before we move on just because he did such a great job with it i just i wanted to send this poster or this picture of the accessories been made to go along with this action figure, including an iced coffee, four different hands so that I can have

different hand articulations, a butterfly net to, I don't know, to catch apples with, and then a fishing pole. So I've been getting updates on this, Jeff, for like a year at this point. I've been, a lot of people

have seen piece by piece yeah and it is amazing and then seeing it all come together it is wonderful i love the uh the porta potty photo shoot it's perfect yeah he shot it turned out amazing potty yeah because how did he do it though uh well i think talent uh yeah but it's like how many different talents do you need to do that so he works in the film industry in england and he is in uh like art department i i'm not exactly sure of what his and he told me but you know uh it's hard to remember the particulars but he is in the art department he he does a lot of graphic work he does some physical work and then he uh i guess is real tight with all the other people in the art department and they do this kind of stuff for fun occasionally like and so he got some other people to make

maquettes and and they yeah it's fucking it's the craziest thing about it is i took my clothes off i got a dick and it's not bad it's like a real dick he took me you wanna do you guys want to see my dick i'll show you no i think i'm good no I want to see and uh he's got he's in the fucking Don Pedro shirt my all my tattoos are there physically the real tattoos which is insanity it's my nose on there uh I believe so yes I'm excited about taking this photo of my fucking cock all right pull your little pants back up, Jeffy. Pull your little pants back up.

Stuck on your butt. Okay. There we go. So stupid. It's like a real doll. Well, TBD, I'll let you know how it works. Eric said it's like a real doll, so I said I'll let you know how it works. Eric said it's like a real doll, so I said I'll let you know how it fucks.

Not actually going to have sex with it, but... Yeah. Oh, God. There's pubes on it. I've got a bell in. You're circumcised. I am circumcised. I got a dick.

I can't wait. Why did he put that detail? you're circumcised i am circumcised i got a dick well i'll tell you something else gavin our artists are are an interesting bunch did you know that this is years and years and years ago at the day job we had a online comic called rt comics and another canadian guy named Luke McKay. Uh, he drew it. And then my ex-wife wrote the comics and, uh, Luke would draw us. It was all the RT characters and like, you know, whatever scenarios that she wrote for them. He drew our dicks under every pair of pants. Every time he drew anybody from our company, he drew a dick before he put the pants on. He showed me in Photoshop layers. He's like, when I put the books together, you know, because we had like five books, he would show me.

He'd be like, hey, you want to see your dick? There it is. Every fucking time he drew any of us from the knees up, they had a dick the entire time. How was the detail? It was a commissariat with the rest of his art, you know, similar in vein and style. That's interesting. I can't wait for Jack

to look at these images without context. That's going to be a good one. We should start having Jack record like one minute summaries of the episodes but he hasn't listened to them yet. And put them as like

next week on F*** Face. Oh. Oh. How about this? Do you guys think we need some sort of a hand signal or handshake because i came up with one well i i feel like that was yeah we talked about that right like we're gonna did we invent the next yeah that was the whole thing we discussed when did we discuss that that

was like two episodes ago like around the dusty baker thing which kind of led into the high five different things of like a long distance a new version of it i guess that must have been why it was rattling around in the back of my head and but i it hit me the other day i think i came up with something we asked people to send them okay well i came up with one of my own did anybody send any uh yeah there was one that i think was like called the belly flop or something or it was like both hands downward i want to say this is a few weeks ago at this point so it's not clear it's not fresh in my mind but i'm excited to see yours nothing of note i think i'm gonna film it right now just because it's easier to show you guys so let me put my video i'm gonna record

we starts with a baseball baseball bat choke up swing into an apple and then you take a bite out of it it sounds like you're just doing a TikTok dance. No, no. I feel like I just heard a TikTok dance. There's no dancing going on. Let me just... Can I get that up on the... Let's watch this be too big for Discord. It's gonna be too big for Discord.

I'm holding my hands like I'm holding a bat. Is that phase one? Yeah, phase one is the bat. Are both people doing this or is one hand of each person no you just do it when you see somebody yeah all right i'm gonna watch this now i don't know where's the high five part there is no high five what are we what was the what was that well it was a hand it was a hand signal okay a hand signal got it yeah i didn't say anything about a high five i just said that we we need a handshake or a signal.

Maybe if you do that into a crowd of people and anyone does it back, they know that you're a f***facer. They know that you're a regulation listener. Like NBA players, when they go out onto the court, they do like 75 different wacky handshake thing and they touch their toe

and then touch their elbows and do a cool thing. I thought it'd be cool if we had our own version of it. And I think it hits baseball because we used to be a baseball podcast and then it hits apples because we are an apple podcast and i thought it's like a it's a combination of the old and the new i feel like it's a universal sign if you're a boy a zimmer or not you gotta be careful it's that like the only area you gotta worry about is when you're making the apple sign with your hands you gotta be careful you're not making one of those anime hearts that everybody loves to do. Because it's not. It's an apple. We're not taking a bite out of a heart. We're taking a bite

out of a big apple. I just don't think I've ever taken a bite out of an apple that I'm holding with both hands. I need both hands to make the apple. The representation of the apple. Why do you have to be difficult? you yeah i feel like you could otherwise you just have a half with one hand i feel like you got to like pretend that

you're like rubbing it off on your shirt and then no no no oh well now that's interesting rubbing it off on your shirt is interesting i do think though if you you you so you start with part one the swing you swing that if any of you just come with one hand and you make like a half circle it just looks like you're taking a you've got a baseball now because you've just hit something with a baseball bat i think the apple sells it so you're saying that the second hand differentiates a baseball from an apple yes the second hand difference differentiates a baseball from an apple thank you i will say i think if you just show a photo of to people of you doing your apple gesture i don't know how many of them would say that you're making an apple with your hands.

Well, that's because it's designed to be viewed fluidly as a video. It's not a static thing. Do you have an apple shirt on? I do have an apple shirt on, yeah. So have you been more into apples or cider? Like, what was that trip mainly about? Was it about, I guess you're not drinking

like alcoholic cider? No, that trip was, it was my yearly apple trip. And it's honestly, it's about two apple trip. Uh, and it's, it's honestly, it's about two things. It's a, well, three things. It's about cider, fresh, hot cider on a cold day. It's about, uh, apple cinnamon donuts, like these hot apple cinnamon donuts you get in, in, in Michigan. And, and it's about, uh, apple sliced apples with caramel drizzled on it and nuts. That's what I always get when I go, those are like the big three things, but it's like, it's about sliced apples with caramel drizzled on it and nuts. That's what I always get when I go. Those are like the big three things.

But it's like an apple orgy, dude. Andrew would lose his fucking mind. It's insane. It's in Detroit? It would be like Shangri-La. Outside of Detroit. Yeah, like in Grosse Pointe, that area. There's apples.

There's cider mills everywhere. And it's just like apples for days. Huh. Yeah, it's really cool. That's where I got the shirt from. Could I... Is there like... Hmm. is there like a days of summer type thing but with apples just touring like different parts of the u.s getting the apples as they ripen across the season i think that's a great idea maybe that's like a journey i go on fully embrace the apple lifestyle i think there's

a lot you could learn from it i like for for instance, I have a bunch of apple facts I could throw out. Ooh. I'd love an apple fact. Did you know that apples are the second most valuable fruit in the United States? Oranges are the first. There were a bunch of apple signs, and I just took pictures of all of them at the cider mill

so I could say... Sounds like a top-tier fruit. Johnny Appleseed Chapman brought a small variety of apples from Europe. He spent his life planting apple trees across America. Who cares? I don't care about him. Here we go. The most beautiful apples are known to grow in the state of what?

The most beautiful. We're talking just apple beautiful. Where are the most beautiful? It's a little bit of apple trivia for you. Maine. All right. That Gavin's answer is Maine. Andrew, where do you think the most beautiful apples in America are going?

I'm going to say they're going to keep it. It's a humble brag. They're bragging about themselves. I'm going to say Michigan. Michigan. Alright, and Eric, your answer is Washington. Nick, do you have a do you want to weigh in here? Do you care? I mean, Washington have like the organization, don't they? The answer

is Washington. Yeah, the most beautiful apples are don't they? The answer is Washington. Yeah, the most beautiful apples are known to grow in the state of Washington. However, the most flavorful are in the eastern states. While Washington ranks number one in producing apples in the United States at nearly 60%, New York, believe it or not, is number two at 11%. Michigan is a distant third with 8%. Cosmic Crisp Apple is from Washington. That is correct. Eric was asking. It is a distant third with 8%. Cosmic Crisp Apple is from Washington. That is correct. Eric was asking.

Yeah, it's from Washington. It is a Washington apple. Those are my apple facts. I learned that the Granny Smith apple was made accidentally. I learned that the other day. One was just throwing apples out her window and accidentally made the Granny Smith apple.

Wait, what? The inventor of the Granny Smith apple accidentally made it. She was throwing crab apples out her window and they lived on like an orchard and it just happened to mix with a different type of apple and it created the Granny Smith apple.

Complete accident. That brings up a question I have. What's so funny about that, Gavin? She died two years later. She never even got to live in the world of the granny smith apple no she's a last name smith uh it was it was her husband's last name and they both died two years later and then somebody bought the orchard and was like i'll just

call them granny smith apples and then they became super famous what a what a sweet homage yeah if they didn't realize what they'd come up with though why would it be a memorable story what do you mean what are you asking sorry yeah why are you asking did they know the success of the apple that was okay so she made the app she would like make apples and apple pies and like sell them and then she made this apple that was like holy fuck this is a good apple people like this apple it's a great baking apple she had some success with it and she had somebody come in and like characterize and be like yeah this is a new species of apple she started growing it then she died then her husband died like shortly after and then somebody just bought the orchard and just mass produced them so she never

got yeah like the person that created the granny smith apple has no real awareness of how popular it became it didn't become like a huge success until after the guy bought everything so what if we just took every single known apple and had like a big food fight with 100 people throwing these apples would we potentially make an apple in the middle somewhere i don't not oh this is such this is where I wanted to take this that is phenomenal Gavin that's a great idea I want us to make

our own apple okay why not why not this is there was a note I had written down I'm seeing you

birth the idea in front of me that's exactly what we need to do I think we could do with a little bit more intent but I love the

random nature of it but like the Cosmic Crisp was invented in our lifetimes. So why can't we invent the F*** Facer, or whatever we call it? The Regulation Apple. Regulation Apple! Oh! It's like it was meant to be!

A Regulation Apple! That's what everybody needs! Then you know out the gate what you're getting! Oh, we've got to invent it. Oh, we have to invent an apple that's regulation. So what are the requirements for crossbreeding? Do we need like one seed from one? Like how does an apple make a baby?

I feel like, from what it sounds like, we just need a viable window. We just need a good window to throw some apples out of. Are we going to get into splicing? I think you have to splice it. I mean, Granny Smith didn't. Granny Smith did not splice. It sounds like she just had a lawn full of rot that made an apple.

It sounds like Granny Smith's backyard trash can just yielded unexpected results. Well, we'll look into it, right? Yeah. I don't know how to make an apple, but I think we could invent one. And then when we invent our own apple, here's where we go with it, right?

So we invent the apple, takes the nation by storm, eventually the world, hopefully. Then we follow up with it. We're already working on it in the background because it's going to take a while. Then we follow up with our boom, our fucking, our badass hot cider cider whatever that is regulation cider and that's

people love cider great on a cold day you can we can make some people can mix booze with it if they're into that thing uh i see a lot of potential for us i i apologize if we've already covered it i feel like we let into this episode and then haven't actually touched on the thing you wanted to create an unscrumpable bag i feel like this also ties into that well yeah that's why i asked earlier before i dumped into that i dove in i said are we going to continue with apples or should i peel it back get it peel it back should i peel it back right because uh because i don't want to dump a lot of energy into on the apple front if it's not a direction that the podcast is headed you know i don't want to just like no of energy on the Apple front if it's not a direction that the podcast is headed. You know, I don't want to just like sit and retread old ground.

Because there's a whole world of apples out there I was not aware of. Do you guys know there's black apples? I've never heard of a black apple. Yeah, let me find it. I also saw people posted pictures of an apple that's like red on the inside. It's like pinkish. I did see that. I want to try that one.

That looks good. I also want to try it. Yeah, look at this. Oh, this is going to freak you out. It's a little freaky. Oh, that's Apple Watch. Here we go. Copy.

This is called... I'm waiting for Jeff to send his action figure dick again. I'm not expecting that. Hey, I warned you I was sending you my action figure dick. I didn't just throw it at you. Unounced okay uh boom there you go that's what a black diamond apple looks like cost about seven bucks an apple they're expensive wonder what they taste like it looks like you're looking into space it looks like you're looking into space should we should we have a rare apple taste well we're gonna need we're gonna need apple experience if we're gonna invent the

next apple yeah like what if our apple was black also it could be it really could be it would match our color palette for the podcast that's an excellent point oh i wonder if anybody's ever been able to design an apple that you that has the logo branded in it as it's being grown? Like, could we grow an apple that already says regulation apple on it?

Grow an apple that knows English? English? It's a... Well, I don't know much about apples yet but uh i like i like the black diamond apple so far yeah it's beautiful it looks like a looks like a galaxy kind of anyway there's a whole world apples out there if that's the direction we want to continue down if we've already you know if we've already beaten the audience over the head with apples for too much then i don't want to do it but uh i i think that there's a lot of potential. Maybe it's something to come back to.

Yeah, I think we got to go to the lab. I feel like we could definitely make, if we got Eric to get a selection of maybe six rare apples in a nice foam case again, and we'll have Andrew watch, we could definitely do a nice new tasting. Give our reviews of each one.

That's a great idea. Eric says already working on it. That's a great idea. I think already working on it. Oh, it's a great idea I think I could buy some black apple seeds Hmm, you don't have to grow the frickin tree every time well It's just I can't see any way else to get this Apple. I want this that I already said I'll fly you here He'll use Betty White's money We got 600 and you got about 650 bucks after taxes. That's true.

We're burning a hole in our pocket. I really want to win the Betty White contest. I want you to. It's already over now by the time this comes out. It is. It will be known if we were picked or not. We all shop online. I do it, well, more than I probably should,

multiple times a day. And we've all seen that promo code field taunt us at checkout saying, there are savings to be had, you just have no access to them. But thanks to Honey, manually searching for coupon codes is a thing of the past.

Honey is a free shopping tool that scours the internet for promo codes and applies the best one it finds to your cart. It's doing a lot of work for you. Honey must really love you. Honey supports over 30,000 stores online. I've tried my best to shop at all of them. I'm getting close.

These range from sites that have tech and gaming products to popular fashion brands, that's me, to even food delivery. Mmm. That was me saying, me saying because of food. Here's how it works. Imagine you're shopping on one or many of your favorite sites. And when you go to checkout, the honey button will drop down. It does it all the time. It's very convenient. And all you have to do is click apply coupons. Wait a few seconds as Honey searches for coupons across the entire internet, and then all the ones that it finds, if it finds them, boom, throws it on there, and you watch the prices drop. So I've decided to put a moratorium on the story about the paddle

boards. I'm never going to tell it again. I did save money on them. However, I'm trying to be current. I'm going to give you guys the things that i've been saving money on lately and i've been saving a lot of money lately however it's all bid on christmas presents so i'm not gonna i'm not gonna spoil christmas by saying exactly what i've purchased uh over the last couple days uh and and received benefits from honey but i will say that there was a there was a like a a kitchenery site and uh maybe a maybe an online book retailer and a couple of other places that I have found some pretty hefty discounts on thanks to Honey. I'll tell you about it in January after the moratorium on Christmas is over. As a matter of fact, Honey has found its over 17 million members more than $2 billion in savings.

That's the amount of money that Kendall tried to buy Logan Roy out of the family business for last night on Succession. Crazy. If you don't already have Honey, you could be straight up missing out on free savings. It is literally free and installs in a few seconds. And by getting it, you'll be doing yourself a solid and supporting this podcast. I'd never recommend something I don't use. so get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash face. That is joinhoney.com slash face. It's the giving season, everybody. That's right.

The holidays have approached. They are upon us, and it is time to show your family and friends that you care about them in a meaningful and memorable way, and what better way to do that than with a clean butthole? That's right. Hello Tushy bidets tick all those boxes. Are you buying for a family member? They need a bidet. Are you buying for a friend? They need a bidet. Everybody, tall, short, old, young, they all need bidets. We've all got the same butthole it's the great equalizer

and with the hello tushy bidet you can wash your bum with fresh water for a way better clean than toilet paper and that is true you simply spray and pat dry attaches to your existing toilet with no electrician or plumber needed those people are expensive well they're experts and they should be paid for their work but they are expensive and they are unnecessary when it comes to a Tushy bidet. It cuts out on your toilet paper use by 80%. Think about the toilet paper money you're going to be saving. You could buy a boat. Make the restroom your best room with the complete Tushy system, including the Tushy bidet attachment, ottoman, toilet brush, and Tushy stand and tissues. There's enough Tushy products to fill a Christmas tree.

Join the millions of happy Hello Tushy customers right now who take care of their Yule logs the dignified way. Give the gift of a clean bum to yourself or the ones you love this holiday season and get 10% off plus free shipping right now at HelloTushy.com slash face. Tag us and at Hello Tushy on social media so we can celebrate your clean butt. That's HelloTushy.com slash face. Tag us and at hellotushy on social media so we can celebrate your clean butt. That's hellotushy.com slash face for 10% off and free shipping. Can I tell you guys a funny, embarrassing thing that happened to me yesterday? Of course.

Is it about your bike? Well, sort of, yeah. So I got bike problems. You gotta get into the bike stuff. All three of my bikes are down. Actually, my bike is back up but it's been a whole thing uh i'm in i'm currently in the market i'm currently shopping for new for a new bike right now uh but yesterday i did go for a bike ride and i've been having a problem

with uh with you know i guess like butt rash sore butt from riding my bike too much it's a common thing and to combat it some audience members recommended i buy some of those, I don't know what they're called, but those little bike shorts that it's like a diaper, sort of, but it's like padding on your butt. It's around your gooch

and your butt, but it makes you have like a big, dumpy bubble butt. The other day, yeah, yeah. So I bought a couple pair and they're great.

They actually work very well. And so I wear them every time I go on a bike ride. And the other day, I came home and like other day i came home and uh like as i was coming home like the mailman was there and i needed to sign for something and the dog needed to go to the bathroom and then i realized like oh shit i need to go buy uh some

stuff for the to prepare for the colonoscopy i needed to buy some like a laxative that i didn't have yet and i was like oh shit i just got my keys and i ran to the store and i was standing in line at the grocery store with like me and like, I don't know, like seven or eight like ladies that are just doing their daily shopping. And I noticed one lady kind of giving me a dirty look and I'm used to it. Right. Like I get it. I get it. You know, I did somebody, I saw, I recently did the RT podcast and somebody said, I look like a, I do meth at a gas station. So it's like, I get it, you know, and I'm covered in tattoos and stuff. So I am used to getting like weird looks. But then another lady gave me kind of a weird look. And I thought that's weird because this is Austin

and this is my grocery store. I, you know, I come here all the time. And then I realized when I moved, oh, I've got my dumpy underwear on. and I looked behind me and I just looked like I was walking around with a fucking like I had taken seven shits in my pants it was just like I had a hanging dumpy asshole and they were just and it was very noticeable and I had completely forgotten that I was still wearing him because I normally I take them off immediately uh and uh yeah so I uh I was uh I was a little embarrassed for that I can't believe you're wearing those that must be quite a contrast to all the tattoos

I feel like you've actually moved over from person who rides a bike to a cyclist oh well here's the thing I definitely am not a cyclist I was wearing them Gavin under my pants that's the thing I'm not going to wear them just the shorts and look like a bicyclist asshole.

No, I was wearing them under a pair of pants, which is what made it look extra dumpy. It's like if I was just wearing the cycling shorts, then they would have looked at me and said, oh, he's a cyclist. He's just gross. What they saw was that guy took a bunch of shits in his actual normal pants. And it's just hanging. It's just all gathering at the bottom. And it looked like my butt was melting. So how do they have more padding?

Is that how they're helpful to you? Yeah, they have a ton of padding. And they've solved the problem. Would you say it's a more effective solution than covering your ass in Tiger Bomb? Yes. Okay. As long as we've moved forward from there.

Yes, we're not going to do that again. We've definitely, we've learned some lessons there. That will not be happening again. I don't even know, like I have, for a guy who rides his bike seven days,

six or seven days a week, I think I've ridden my bike three times in the past six weeks. Oh, wow. So what's the main issue with some of your bikes? Okay. So I have three bikes, right? i have my bike i have emily's bike and i have millie's bike uh they're all the same bike uh mine's just a little bigger right uh and so but they're all the same e-bike so uh i was riding

mine on a trip and i was riding my bike uh other day. Well, actually, I couldn't. Here's the deal. I was riding my bike about six weeks ago, seven weeks ago, and I popped a tire and a spoke and I didn't have a spoke. And so I couldn't fix it. So I called to get it repaired. Right. And then the guy was going to take the guy about a week to come out and repair it. And which is fine because I have two backup bikes. I have Millie's and Emily's, and they never ride theirs, right? Was the spoke a nonstandard size? Everything about an e-bike is nonstandard and complicated. So I'm like, no problem.

I can wait. I have other bikes, right? So I just hop on Emily's bike. I start riding her bike. The second time I ride Emily's bike, I'm about seven miles from home and it just turns off. And an e-bike is an amazing piece of machinery when it's on. When it's off, it's an undriveable behemoth that weighs, it goes from being, I don't know, 12 ounces to 400 pounds. So wait, you can't, when the little motor dies,

it doesn't just become a bike? Yeah, it becomes a very inefficient bike. Like you can pedal it, you can work it. It's got gears. It's just heavy as sin and it doesn't work well. It's a nightmare. I feel like you downplay the effectiveness of the bike when it's working. No, I downplay it. And then when the bike doesn the bike when it's working no and now when the

bike doesn't work it's like oh my god everything is broken all of the stuff to assist when the bike when the listen when the the the effectiveness is great when it's working i don't think i'm downplaying it it's just that when it's off you're it's first off you've got like a fucking 25 pound battery the frame is heavy it's three times as heavy as a normal bike. So it's just more work than a normal bike would be when it's not on. I get that. I have a normal bike. I'm actually going to get it out of storage and start riding it again because I'm getting sick of these e-bikes, but I am still going further down the e-bike road. I'm not giving up on e-bikes because I love them. Uh, anyway, so, uh, seven miles away from home, it, it goes dead. So I have to ride it slash walk it home.

It's, for some reason, and I swear I'm not kidding, it is, any direction I ride from my house, coming back is uphill. It's like I live on the tallest, I live in the tallest point of Austin. So I ride this fucking,

this hunk of shit, seven miles home, take it apart, the battery just won't turn on anymore. I look, there's scorch marks where the battery part connects. I'm like, oh, I must have blown the battery just won't turn on anymore i look there's scorch marks where the battery part connects i'm like oh i must have blown the battery out or something that sucks batteries by the way 500 bucks to replace so i'm like that fucking sucks uh no worries i'll just

ride millie's bike thank god i have a third bike right the next day i ride Millie's bike, and six miles away from home, it dies in the exact same way. The battery exploded again? It just stopped working. I walk, push it home, take it apart, look, same problem. It's scorching. I call the company. They're like, yeah, these batteries are only rated for two years, so we can't replace them.

I've had the bikes for a little over two years of course so uh so i'm like fuck well that's okay because like tomorrow the guy's coming to fix my bike and then i uh well it wasn't tomorrow it was actually it was actually i had uh i'm getting it wrong sorry this is this is a while ago this is like six weeks of nonsense uh i think what happened is i had bought another battery in advance and so then other battery came and i was able to put it back into emily's bike and the new battery uh it just uh i was riding about i was about seven miles from home on the first ride on emily's bike again after i put the new battery in and it died. And so I had to walk push it home again. And six miles is no joke on foot. That's like a two hour

walk. It was about two to three hours depending on and it's all uphill too. And it's also October and November because this is about six weeks. It's October and November in Austin so it ranges anywhere from 90 to 105. It's hot as November in Austin. So it ranges anywhere from 90 to 105, right?

It's hot as shit still. I am apoplectic at this point. I'm miserable. So it's my fourth time, third or fourth time the bike has, I think it's the third time it's broken on me. I get home. I look at it. It's not busted.

I turn it on. It just turns back on. It's fine. It just needed to be like re-shocked awake. And I'm like, well, that's fucking weird. Hopefully that never happens again. And I think I'll big brain this. I'll take the battery off the Emily's. I'll put it on Millie's fine. It just needed to be like re-shocked awake. And I'm like, well, that's fucking weird. Hopefully that never happens again. And I think I'll big brain this. I'll take the battery off the Emily's.

I'll put it on Millie's. Different setup. And then we'll see if it happens again. The next day I ride my bike. This time I'm about nine miles from home and it turns off. Oh, no. Yeah. And by the way, every single time this has happened, I need to be somewhere.

every single time this has happened i need to be somewhere i have a fate i have a i have an annual pass to record or i have to pick millie up from school or she has a doctor's appointment i it's never a leisurely thing i i gotta like hoof it to get home so but i'm thinking like i'm trying to you're trying to rationalize in your head by saying like i'm getting double exercise today right like i'm getting in shape. Sure. Then I'm done. I'm like, I can't, I fucking, I'm not going to ride any of these pieces of shit bikes anymore. I've been stranded four times. The guy comes to fix my bike.

He fixes it. He does a bunch of work on it. I ask him about these electrical problems in the process waiting for him to come. I bought a whole new electrical system for my bike and a new battery for Millie's other bike, right? And I bought a whole new electrical system for my bike and a new battery for Millie's other bike, right? And I bought a whole new electrical system for my bike because of the squirching and stuff. And I thought like, I'll just have, the guy comes, he fixes my bike, the other stuff.

He won't touch any of the electrical stuff. He won't touch any of the e-bike stuff. Can't find anybody who'll touch any of the e-bike stuff, right? And I'm like, okay, whatever. So I get it all. I just don't put that stuff in. I just get the bike fixed.

My bike works fine. The battery never died or anything on my bike. I was just trying to be preventative, right? I was trying to get ahead of a potential problem. Hop on my bike, rides like a charm. I drive seven miles and it doesn't,

it doesn't explode. And I go, oh, my bike didn't turn off at seven miles. Last time I did it at nine. I go nine miles. I'm fine. I go 10 miles. I'm fine. And I go,

okay, problem solved. I get about 15 miles away from home. You only have a half a marathon at this point. I know exactly how far away from home I am because I have a, because I have an app that records all my rides. That's how I made the fart that time. And

I'm right at about 15 miles from home, and I'm on the hike and bike trail, and I'm zooming, and I have an app that records all my rides. That's how I made the fart that time. And I'm right at about 15 miles from home, and I'm on the hike and bike trail, and I'm zooming, and I have my headphones on, so I don't hear anything, but something jars the bike a little bit, and I feel something brush my leg, and I look over to see what brushed my leg,

like a stick or something, and I see this 20-pound battery on my bike shooting about 12 feet out in front of me. It hits my leg and just keeps flying. Like I got to, it goes faster than the bike. Like I got a pedal to catch up with it. And then, and I'm like, I'm just in disbelief. And I looked down and there's just a hole where the battery was before it exploded and

violently ejected itself from my bike, clipping my leg, and it's just like, it just like hits the ground in a pile. I swerve off. I fucking, I put the bike down. I walk over, and I look. I pick up the battery, and it's just like, it's just like the bike exploded.

I don't know how else to describe it. It's like I go back to try to put it back together. Everything is sheared. All the bolts are broken in half. The plastic casing is broken in half. The part that it connects to where the scorching was on the other bikes, that part is melted to the battery. Like the scorching part has physically melted,

like hot melted to the battery. I'm like, what the fuck? and so i'm 15 miles from home and i think i can't believe this story well i guess i better get to walking and so i figure out the bike without the battery is actually kind of light like it's a little easier to ride and so i'm like i can make this work but i the problem is, I don't know if this battery is savable or not, because the stuff is melted to it, but I feel like I can rip it off and see if maybe the battery itself is good. Or maybe I can get it refurbed, because I know that these batteries can be refurbed.

And it's like $550 to replace it. So I'm like, I gotta take this battery home with me. How the fuck do I do this? So I have to hold the battery in my left hand. It's like 20 pounds. Hold the steering wheel with my right hand and pedal home at one mile an hour because this bike barely goes.

And I get about three miles and I'm like, I got to throw this fucking battery in the river or not the river, but I got to throw this fucking battery in the woods or something, hide it and try to come back for it. And I'm like,

no, I can't do that. It's too, I just got to take this, I just fucking eat my medicine, just take my medicine and just get home and i'm about seven miles into the trip of uh i have given up on riding i'm exhausted at this point because holding a 20 pound heavy ass battery that's you know 18 inches long and hard to like there's no way to like i can't set it on anything i don't have a backpack there's no the only thing I can do is hold it in my hand and try and steer and pedal uphill. And I'm, I'm like at muscle failure pretty much. So I get off the bike and I, at about seven miles and I

start walking it and I'm about two miles into the walk and I have my headphones on. I'm just listening to like, I don't know, I think I'm listening to like Polo G or some really, really loud rap. And, uh, and I just sent something out of the corner of my eye. I'm listening to like Polo G or some really, really loud rap. And I just sense something out of the corner of my eye. I'm on like Lamar Boulevard on a sidewalk. And I look over and I see a dude in a truck like screaming at me. I'm like, what the fuck is that? And then I realize it's my friend Joey

who has nothing to do with RT. He's a friend from my girlfriend. The guy from the boat? The boat guy? The boat guy! The fucking boat guy! Go, go now! My friend Joey. Yeah, boat guy.'s the boat guy the fucking boat guy the go go now my friend Joey yeah boat guy boat guy Joey

and uh boat guy Joey and he was just driving down the road and he saw me walking a bike and he's like hey man you need

a fucking ride and I was like oh my god and he gave me a ride home so I only had to walk like 9 of the 15 miles but so

in 5 out of I think like I think out of like seven bike excursions five of them ended with me walking a minimum of six miles home uh anyway i get the bike home i fucking am angry i won't look at it for like four days then i finally i look at it i see everything that's broken and i start calling around and nobody wants to touch this fucking bike. And I'm like, God damn it. And I don't know if you guys know this about me, but I don't like working on stuff. I grew up in Alabama in a very mechanically minded family where I'd drive home.

I'd be like, I think something's wrong with my car, grandpa. And he'd be like, go get the toolbox. And then my entire weekend would be me and my grandpa fixing something on the car and which was a bonding experience for him i hated it i love my grandpa i just i'm not i just i don't like i was a i was a tool repairman in high school i hated that although i liked the job i just hated i just don't like yeah i just don't like fixing shit i'm not it just frustrates me you know and so i try to avoid it if at all possible and i couldn't so i fuck it and i have all the parts So I sit down to fix my bike. It took me 12 minutes to fix this piece of shit bike.

And now it works great. So what happened though? Why'd it explode? Yeah. I don't know. Is it like a lithium vent on it or something? I don't know. I don't know if it like, if I just hit a...

I don't think I could have hit a bump or anything hard enough to shear the screws in half and to break the casing. But I was going downhill on a smooth ride. So I don't know if the bike, like if the battery had like a because it's all melted and stuff like I assume that there was some sort of event where it exploded and the force of that shot it off my bike. But it didn't do any structural damage to the bike. And since I had re-bought all the electrical stuff,

I had to splice some wires. I said 12 minutes. It probably took me more than that. It may have taken... I just would love to see... Can you imagine being a guy just jogging the other way, and then a bicycle shoots a missile at you? Yeah, it was like that.

It was like a 20-pound missile shooting at you. Yeah, it was brutal. So when did this happen? How long has it been since you've had a bike issue? That just happened? I have ridden my bike twice since then. Okay. Both times this week.

So it was last week or the week before that this happened. You're not selling me on these e-bikes. I'll be honest. Two weeks ago this happened. Well, I'm not trying to sell you on this e-bike. You were before. I am going to try to sell sell you on this e-bike. You were before. I am going to try to sell you on a different e-bike that I am currently shopping around for.

I've been going to e-bike stores and talking to people and doing my research, and I've got some clues. I got some good leads on some good new bikes. But yeah, it was unbelievable. Now the bike works fucking great, of course. But it might be the most frustrated i've been i can't even tell you like every time i get on my bike and i go like today's the day i don't get stranded and then just at the most inopportune moment when i'm just happy and you know heading the clouds enjoying a

ride beautiful weather listening to music whatever i was just like suddenly suddenly it's like and you're like oh fuck here we go again you say the bike is working great. I assume if you were asked before it exploded, if it was working great, you would have said yes. How do you know that the bike is, in fact, working great and you're not just moments away from... Well, everything's great until it explodes. Exactly. Oh, yeah.

No, totally. I have no idea. You're right. I'm saying it's working great as of this moment, but it might not be working great in an hour i don't know that's why i'm buying a new bike that's why i'm getting another better bike i'm getting i'm paying more money to get a better bike uh that lasts longer the bikes i was looking at yesterday the guy told me they should last 10 to 11 years before i have any of these

kinds of problems i explained every problem i had it's like we yeah we uh i think that there's a bike out there for me. Oh, for sure. I was just at my wit's end with this motherfucker. I can't believe I had three bikes all break at the same time and strand me as far as 15 miles away from home five out of seven times. I'm amazed that you're willing to still ride the bike

because I think if I am sitting in a vehicle that explodes, I'm not getting back in that vehicle even if I think I may have fixed that explodes, I'm not getting back in that vehicle even if I think I may have fixed it. I do not trust myself. That is how dire the need for bike riding is. What if you became a one-wheel guy?

Ooh, now I feel like there's something physically about moving and the pedaling, even though it's used it. Can you ride your one wheel from home to the office i've not done that but it has the range i mean i would be interested in the one wheel as an addition to a really good e-bike and a really good normal bike i have one i just need to pull it out of storage for when this kind of stuff happens again because i i've realized i don't want to

stop riding like i still need to ride my bike it's like it's how i maintain my sanity and so it's gotta happen i gotta have a so i need to have a backup uh i thought i had three i thought i had a bunch of backups but turns out it didn't so ira because i was gonna say i feel like the last time we talked about you and your bike issues the story ended with you saying that you had ordered a bunch of spare parts for that was the spare parts. Yeah. Yeah.

Just for extra shit. Yeah. It was your tail is like Goldilocks. If she just fucked up every option every time, like it was just all three constantly broken. None of them were right. They were all broken in various ways. Do you have a bike entry?

No, no, I don't have any variety. E-bike standard. None of them were right. They were all broken in various ways. Do you have a bike, Andrew? No. No, I don't. Of any variety. E-bike, standard pedal. If you want to go somewhere that's walkable, but you need to get there quick, what do you go for? I leave early.

Oh. That's pretty good. What an answer. There's never a situation in which I immediately need to be at a place where I couldn't just like, if I need a cab, I could call a cab or an Uber or whatever.

It was similar. Yeah. You just drive. Guys, we talked about everything on my list. Did we? That's exciting. I'm glad we were

Not everything. Not everything. There were three other things. I've invented a new blow dryer that I wanted to show you guys but I need to make a prototype for it. No, wait.

No. You can't be like I finished the list and then be like I invented a new product. I saw the part I missed. Yeah. I invented a new product.

I have to make a prototype for it. I'm very excited about it. It's for blow drying your hair on the go. I think you guys are going to love it. I think it's going to be have to make a prototype for it. I'm very excited about it. It's for blow-drying your hair on the go. I think you guys are going to love it. I think it's going to be a big seller for us. Okay. Also, one other thing,

and this is a bit of a bummer. Two weeks ago, Andrew, our rookies played each other. They did. In the NFL. They did. The teams played. It was Najee Harris versus your guy, Justin Fields.

Yeah. And my team won, of course. Mm-hmm. And it was a little touch and go for a while. I was watching it in bed, and I decided at that moment, I had been trying, I talked about this earlier,

I'd been trying to let Najee work through his rookie season on his own without any help from me, but I was a little nervous going head-to-head against you. So for the first time in our Magic competition, I did some incantations and some good luck spells.

Did two different good luck spells multiple times and, you know, they won. Zealous won. So I think that I think the first time I felt the need to inject magic into the competition, it worked. So I just I got to let you know, I'm using magic. I hate that Gavin is currently winning this bet. McCorkle!

That is the worst part of this. And I also hate that we didn't. I feel like if we all would have known that his name was actually Michael Jones in the McCorkle thing, I feel like that would have been the guy. Like, that's just, it's a clear sign. Yeah, it's iconic. Also, no magic.

Yeah, no magic. Like, it's just upsetting on several levels. I'm still, I believe in Justin Fields. You should believe in Harris, Jeff. He looks phenomenal. He looks great. It's just, it's going to be tough. It turns out the real magic is in the McCorkle. It is.

Did you see that there was when they played, the announcers made a big deal of the fact, talking about, I guess, Najee Harris grew up homeless, and they told this story about how, yeah, when he went to college, he slept on the floor for a few weeks because he just he didn't he didn't feel comfortable with it and then after the game he was like i didn't fucking where did you get that from they never

happened he's like i slept in my bed why would i not sleep in my bed what are you saying i did not sleep on the floor in college but i'm upset i'm upset that uh i don't feel like fields you better start doing some magic man i have been pushing magic really hard i've been i've been doing my i feel like the fact that justin fields became starter when he did i i would like to take some credit for that i feel like i deserve a little bit i think that's where putting potions and magic and all that towards kind of what kind of magic have you cost? You know, it feels weird for me saying I deserve credit for it, but for putting the ball in motion,

for putting those who are capable at casting such things in the direction of him playing, I feel like some credit is deserved. I feel like this show, let's not say me, this show, the people of Chicago. Okay, well, for most of the, 80 me. This show, the people of Chicago. Okay, well, for most of the 80% of the show deserves some level of credit for Justin Fields starting when he did.

Andy Dalton being on the bench. All I'm saying is, hiring people, enlisting help on the magic front I think is super valid and useful, but if you haven't already, throw some magic his way via yourself. Pick up that wand. Do some spells.

It worked out well when I did. Okay. I think I might get into that. It's worth a shot. I'm going to look into that. Andrew. Yes. Have you noticed that your redemption year

is coming to an end? What do you mean? Oh. We hmm this is a weird no it's not no it's not no it's not it because it was the end of the first year of the podcast so the redemption year year two doesn't end in 2021 it ends in one June I think the first week of june so you're halfway through the redemption year so we're halfway through redemption we're just started redeeming gavin wasn't it on your birthday that we started no it was uh it was the start of the podcast it was year two and we did the year the show's been going on for a calendar year year two redemption year yeah nick asks a great question. What's left

to redeem? Still, obviously, the marathons. The thing that needs to happen at some point. And I think that's... I feel like I've gotten redemption on most things at that point. I think that kind of covers it. Yeah? Yeah, I think pretty good

about a lot of the things that... I mean, I feel like... i don't know if you guys have any what do you think needs redeemed at this stage i'd say that was it's about it say it's kind of the only loose thread at this point i redid the salad i think the salad cream 2.0 turned out great i redeemed the chocolate i redeemed the soda. Tried that again. I can't think of a single thing you're missing here. I think I covered everything.

Hey, I noticed that Nick is the one that told us to stop talking. Does that mean Eric's gone? Eric seems to have left a long time ago. I assume that Eric's internet dropped once again. He has been gone for a while. That's beautiful. That's beautiful.

Because earlier today, I left a meeting early, the one where they were pranking me. I left a meeting early because I sat down to get ready for this podcast with about 30 minutes to go and had an audio conflict. And I told him in that meeting,

I was like, I'm going to leave this meeting early to fix my setup. And he was like, oh my God, you and I told him in that meeting I was like, I'm going to leave this meeting early to fix my setup and he was like, oh my god you and your fucking setup again and I'm like, I know it won't be a problem for the episode I'll get it fixed and I did but where's our fearless producer having tech problems

again? Should we call him? No, then we'd have to talk to him Tsk, tsk, as nick said we could go on forever there's nobody to stop we could just well we don't want to nick's got nick's got a family he doesn't that's true you know what you're right what uh i do have i do have one question though i feel like a couple weeks ago a couple episodes ago who knows when it was uh we dropped a pretty big thing in in the face being officially represented

by a superhero what was that guy's naming in the the something sportsman marty baxter yeah but his the care so that's i just want to point out the fact it's not we haven't actually we don't want to sign a superhero we want to sign a guy that has arthritis who is possessed by an alien technically not a superhero who we're getting at this stage. And what is his superhero name again? The Smashing Sportsman. Smashing Sportsman. That's right.

Yes. So I just where where are we on that? I we talked about it and then I forgot. That's what I would love an update on it. I don't know how to push that ball forward internally. That is something that I don't know. You'd have sounds like sounds like it's on eric sounds like an eric she was here if only he was here

well if you if you uh if you're related to the like a distant relative of the smashing sportsman or you know you know his family in some way marty baxter or uh or maybe if you're like the president of dc comics or warner brothers and you want want to hit us up and allow us to use that character as our official superhero we promise to do good. Now we should probably throw it to minor league fan Jack Petillo to tell us what's coming up on next

week's F*** Face. On next week? What do you mean? Your idea was that he'd look at the images for what are you talking about like we would record next week and we would let him read the chat and then he would record a based on that and we stick it on this one i'm so we're gonna edit this in no he's right he's right like imagine what we did today but next week we came up with the idea in this one, so we can't do this one.

Okay. As long as we're always one ahead. But we don't even know is what's weird about it. We don't know what's coming next week. That's why I feel uncomfortable about this. But Jack does. You're right. And then next week they can tune in and see how accurate it was. You're right.

I think that's a fantastic idea. We'll try it out. We'll experiment with it. Hey guys, minor league fan Jack here to give you a preview of next week's episode of F*** Face. Jeff gives an update on his pitching. The gang gives their thoughts on karate movies. Jeff goes on about his favorite Apple-related

film. Andrew loses his mind about dark chocolate candy. Jeff returns from the proctologist and makes a shocking discovery. And once again, Andrew does not eat the pencil. All this and more on the next episode of F*** Face. I gotta drink so much gross water. Good luck with your colon. 46 ounces in the next, like, hour lot how much is an ounce it's not

just water and now it's about an ounce how much is an ounce it's the amount in an ounce oh like a diet coke like a coke cans like 12 ounces right 16 ounces something like that sick okay so like a coke so you need to drink what like three cans of coke essentially uh i think probably closer to four but it's not just water it's like a solution that's gross i remember when i got x-rayed i was told it would taste like a milkshake and that's one of the most like the worst lies anyone's ever told me i've never felt more betrayed especially as a child who had never had a milkshake before i was like like, I'm going to get to fucking try a milkshake today. I'm going to get some lab work done.

I'm so excited. I remember the person saying when I got there being like, yeah, you're going to have to drink the solution. And as a kid, I remember replying, yeah, I heard it tastes like a milkshake. Can't wait. And just seeing the confusion on their face like that. Oh, somebody is clearly lied to you and registering like that was a weird facial response to my deck one of the worst drinks i've ever had it was a traumatic

experience maybe that's why i've never had a milkshake to this day maybe we're going deep into the core you've never had a milkshake how can you drop that on us when we're ending the episode like we've talked about the fact i've've never had a milkshake. Have we? I'm sure it's been mentioned in a list of things I haven't done. Nick doesn't remember it. I don't. Gavin, do you remember him ever saying he's never had a fucking? No. I feel like I always dwell on the eggs and meatballs,

but milkshake as well? I'm gonna make you dinner. When I come to stay, I'm gonna cook you a three-course meal, and I'll give it to you at the bar. Okay. You cook the meal. I will design the toilet table to stay i'm gonna i'm gonna cook you a three-course meal i'll give it to you in the bath okay you cook the meal i will design the toilet table to make it look really nice you're having eggs and meatballs and milkshakes and pickles right i've had pickles i've never like i've tried pickles i've never this is not a big yeah not a big pickle guy banana maple syrup bananas suck i tried them again i went in with an open

mind have you ever had a banana split no god damn man is that like is that would that elevate the banana because i'm putting in other things so i could see it because i don't have an issue with the taste it's the purely the texture i mean it's pretty fucking fantastic but you never had a milkshake so you won't have anything to... We need... Gavin's right. We need to spend some time with you. Putting stuff in your mouth. Because all the time I've spent with you so far,

I've apparently forgotten about. So I need some memorable time with you. That's... I don't know how to... That feels like an insult. That feels like a dig. We went through that. That feels like a dig on the way out.

Nah. I'm going to cook you dinner. I thought you were about to about to say i'm gonna cook you a milkshake which would be an alarming i truly don't know how they work this is a i'm gonna say this right now andrew this is an honor that you should and you should feel as such gavin lived with me off and on uh for years over the span of like seven or eight years but he legit lived with me for a couple of years, like day in, day out. And I don't think he ever cooked anything for me once the entire time.

He certainly ate a lot of food I cooked for him. I don't think he ever cooked me anything. Well, I kept an eye on the meat once while you were grilling. So what I'm saying is, savor it. It's not often you get it's not often you get world famous gavin free to cook you a meal you threw a stick at his head when he was suntanning in the front lawn once i feel like that also might have certainly certainly did not and that was that was toward the tail end of it and maybe and if i did throw a stick it might have been because the motherfucker never lifted a finger to help cook i like you going like full oj on this i didn't do it but let me explain if i

did here's why i did here's why i would have done it i didn't do it but i'm plenty of motive and let me explain to you why. Let me tell you all the reasons that I rightfully... You should give me credit that I didn't do this, because this is all of the ammo I have for why I should have. Woo! Holy shit. Good couple of eps.

Well, this one was pretty good. The last one I wasn't crazy about, but we've done it again. You're annoyed. I was so off. Oh, you should have heard jeff before you got there gavin oh boy he was so did you did you piss him off before we started is that what happened i quit the podcast before we started yeah it was a bad he was not happy it was just like the exact i just like it was like as a perfect confluence of things like i uh you know i feel like hammered shit and i mean i just i haven't eaten a meal in days so

i'm loopy i know my blood sugar's all fucked up i'm thirsty or not thirsty i'm just fucking i'm like full of liquid i'm i'm literally like shooting piss out of my butthole like a fire hose. It's very uncomfortable. I spent two and a half hours just on the toilet this morning before I even got up. So I'm just so diminished. And then I sit down. I have to have a quick 30-minute meeting about merch. I realize I don't have a lot prepared because I was in bed until the moment I got up to have that meeting and I sit down and I while I'm having the meeting I'm setting up audio for the podcast and suddenly none of it works even though all I do on this computer is slack and this podcast I don't even go in this

room unless I'm podcasting so I don't know how it all how it all got well yeah well it's a problem I never wanted this to be my office because I knew when it became my office, I wouldn't want to come in here anymore because I would associate it with work. And unfortunately, the pandemic made that happen. Before the pandemic, I spent all my time here. Post-pandemic, I look at it and I see work. Anyway, so I sit down

and then all that shit's broken. And then immediately I'm like, all right, I'm going to have to leave this meeting early so that I can fix this so it doesn't affect the podcast. Eric's immediately yelling at me about all my stuff's always broken. And I'm like, got it. Definitely needed to hear that right now.

Then I'm like, as I'm leaving, I think, oh, I'm leaving Andrew and Eric in a meeting without me. They're going to fuck with me. And then I sit down. I finally get it all working. I sit down to start. And then they start recounting how I had already agreed

to sign hundreds of items for something that we hadn't talked about, and I was just like, not doing it right now. I was like, I'm not having it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing the gaslighting thing. I'm barely hanging in here,

and they doubled down, and so I was just like, I'm done. I'll be back at two when the podcast starts, and I just put my headphones down, and I left, and I came back. Well, in that case,

I'm impressed you managed to pull it back mid episode that makes it even better yeah I uh more than anything it was just energy and nausea you know like my stomach my stomach improved a little bit and then I wasn't feeling so sick should we end this episode

yeah what time we playing Halo today I don't I feel like Jeff just gave me a huge list of reasons of not why not not to play Halo, but Jeff right now What does that mean? Oh, you're sick. You're under the- this is a serious- this is a serious thing What else am I gonna do? I got nothing to do- I got nothing but time to sit and stare at the wall You wanna do seven? That's five for you, Andrew

Uh... Okay, maybe. Maybe I'll be there. Maybe I'll be there. Maybe I'll be Maybe. Maybe I'll be there. Maybe I'll be there. All three of us want to play. Seven's better for me. Okay, I'll do eight. I wanted to play at seven. You can play with me.

I'll make it work at eight. No, you play at seven. You guys have a great time. I could show up at 8. Why is this so aggressive? Here's the deal. No, no, no. We're having a nice plan. Why don't we do both?

Because we'll play for more than an hour. Here's what's going on behind the scenes, Gavin. I'm going to eat lunch. Here's what's going on behind the scenes. Andrew doesn't want to play video games with me. It's clear. No, I would love to play video games with you. I'll be there at 8 to play with whoever wants to play. I love you guys, irrespective of how you feel about me. It's clear. No, I would love to play video games with you. I'll be there at 8 to play with whoever wants to play.

I love you guys irrespective of how you feel about me. I love this podcast. I love you Nick. I love you comment leavers. I love you regulation listeners. I love Halo. Some would say that Halo is the reason we're all here talking right now.

But if you feel the need to exclude me from it further, that's fine too. Thanks for listening. See you guys next week. See you tonight.