F**kface - The Most Magical Podcast on Earth // How Do you Scrump an Egg? [68]

Episode Date: September 15, 2021

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about our lucky number, conversations with Dark Andrew, the intricacies of relegation, Gavin learning about Jetski speeds, and humpty dumpting. Want to contribute to bits? Email what you can do to [e-mail] Sponsored by HelloFresh (http://hellofresh.com/face14 and use code face14) and Raycon (http://buyraycon.com/face) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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This is a Rooster Teeth production. Hello and welcome to the most magical place on Earth, the magical podcast, f***face, where exceptional people do mind-bending things and break the laws of physics my name is jeff ramsey and with me always uh as always andrew pantin and gavin three i don't know i don't know i don't know what to say about that we just finished recording another episode where i you missed out on about two minutes of just bewilderment and then we pressed record again

if you haven't listened to the last episode go listen to it and then come back and listen to this one. We stopped down. Eric said, what the fuck? Nick said, I'm scared. And I honestly don't know what to think about it. I feel like Andrew is pranking all of us now. No, I absolutely not. I thought you were pranking me when you're like,

what did you say in a tone? How the fuck would I prank you? I wrote the number before you said it. Because I couldn't see the screen. I didn't know what you did. I thought you say you i i wrote the number before you said it because i couldn't see the screen i didn't know what you did i thought you didn't say it publicly i thought you're just gonna pretend that it was the right number and i'm like he's fucking with me there's no way that it just happened and it did and even if you did see the screen there's no way you could have got the 19 ball out and taken a picture of it that quickly absolutely not no he would have

had to have already had 60 photos like in a file tree and then he would have to like rapidly quick on it. Nobody's gonna put that much work into that bit. No way. No. Absolutely not. That was fucking crazy. I feel like we've been wrong about this whole

Gavin being a lucky thing. I feel like it might be you, Jeff. You might be the golden shot. Yeah, I guessed wrong. Well, maybe. I think this boat i i'll tell you what i feel uh i feel i feel like if naji harris knew what was going on here he'd feel very good about himself right now things are looking up for him let's put this to the

ultimate test once again the true if you're better than gavin red or black red or black uh black i mean i don't know why you're betting on colors when you should clearly be betting on 19 that's a fascinating point that's a great point i'm gonna do colors then 19 19 is our lucky number now okay tell me a color face officially has a lucky number uh what what am i doing red or black red okay i'm putting three on red two on 19 19 is red if If 19 was black, this would be a problem. Can't parlay a roulette spin, Eric. That's ridiculous.

How dare you? The ball's rolling around. Coming in. It's bouncing. Still spinning. I've been going with the wrong person the whole time. I will be very... It's black and it's two. Magic doesn't exist.

It's not real. It's not real. It's black and it's two. I think magic does exist. You just can't use it like that. It decides when it wants to be used. Our magic just rejects you every time you try to use it. What we really need to do is when Jeff's in Vegas,

he needs to play 19 on roulette. He does. I'll do it. I'll do it. Absolutely. And I'll report back. Dude, this Henry farted so bad. You got gassed by the dog?

I'll get gassed out of the room. Jesus. That's brutal. I'm looking in jersey numbers. I don't think any of them are 19, unfortunately. Do you gamble every day? No. Not at all.

No. I don't know, dude. I've been talking to Andrew quite a bit since you've been out of town, and I've been having a lot of conversations with what I would call dark Andrew. That is like midnight. Our time,

Andrew, who has had a bad run and is in a, is not in a good place. And I feel like we've had a lot of those conversations in the last, since you've been gone. So, well, it's,

it's cause you expressed interest and wanting to, uh, do some NFL bets. So I've been trying to update you on what's been going. I've been trying to let you vicariously live through my misery. Yo, I, and I definitely have been,

I just feel like that misery has been pretty daily. No, it's weekends. I'll, I'll throw a bet on, on like Saturday. I don't bet all that often. And if I'm going to bet,

it's mainly during the NFL season. Getting into. Okay. What about the Astros Rangers? Bet you lost your shit on. That's why I parlayed that with NFL preseason, and that was a Saturday, I think, or a Sunday. It's a weekend.

Those don't count. I bet the Astros, Gavin, the Astros were this huge favorite against the shitty other baseball team, and they lost in the first inning. They dropped down 3-0. The Astros were down 3-0. Fifth inning, they come back to make it 5-2.

I'm like, there's a hope. There's some hope in this game. Next time I look at the score, the Astros are losing 2-12. They got demolished by one of the worst teams in baseball. Terrible luck. I actually have a little sports thing that I read about. Stop me if you guys have heard this story, but have you guys heard the thing that happened

with Bishop Sycamore High School on espn like last weekend no uh it's the they were like a fake school right or something so maybe yeah so there was this from time to time espn will show high school football games especially when they're 1a and there's a there's a ton of like top tier talent that's going to go into college. And I actually skipped through the game. I was looking for... Emily and I were looking for preseason football, and we stopped on it, and I was like, ah, this is fucking high school, and we kept going. But so on... I think

it was last Sunday, but it may have been two Sundays ago. There was a high school game with one of the best high school football teams in the country, and they played this other team called Bishop Sycamore High School and beat the dog shit out of them the game was 58 to nothing to the point where pretty early on the announcers were saying stuff like should they call the game like people they were worried about the other team

safety they were getting they were so outmatched and getting so manhandled and so beaten they were like i don't know if this is safe for these two teams to be playing. And it became very, it was billed as like two tier one football teams with some of the best talent in the nation playing against each other. Became apparent very quickly that was not the case. Then they started to dive into it and discover,

like ESPN was like, we're sorry, we shouldn't have put this game on the air. It comes to find out, you come to find out that the game was actually scheduled by a marketing company. Well, I guess that's something that happens. Like marketing companies schedule high school games for ESPN. They've been doing it for a long time.

Then it came out that it might not be a real school that doesn't have like, it has a PO box for an address. And then there was some, then it came out that the coach of the football team might have an active arrest warrant for fraud then it came out that this team that played on sunday also played a game on friday so they played two high school games in two days then it would they people started to dive in and realize this team has never won a game before and have has no business being playing against this other team then people discovered that a lot

of the players on the team weren't actually high school students and were adults. It just kept getting weirder and weirder. That's so strange. You've made me want to dig deeper into this. It's similar to that mentally handicapped, was it basketball team who all turned out to be just like they weren't, they shouldn't have been in the Paralympics I don't know I've heard of I know that a movie called the ringer exists and I do not think that that was based on a true story that was Johnny Knoxville yeah in

the early 2000s I think that's sort of the plot of that movie I don't really remember what that movie was about I I just don't understand what the goal would be was it to like what's the play there what what where's where's the fraud you know is it to legitimize this Bishop Sycamore school or was it to like what's the play there what what where's where's the fraud you know is it to legitimize this bishop sycamore school or was it to make the other team look that much better

like what's the play there you know what i mean like i can't figure out what the grift is that is bizarre that's crazy so many levels deep yeah and i haven't i haven't read up on it lately so there may be more information to it. It's just crazy. It was just like every story was wackier than the next, and they were just like, keep peeling back these layers that made no sense. This sort of reminds me of a conversation we had, Gavin, about how football in Europe works

with the teams in different leagues. I feel like you got totally lost in that conversation. What do you mean? You just seemed very confused. In what way i know i wasn't lost i understood everything he was saying i was just saying it's a lot of details like he gave a lot of surface information that would be interesting interesting to explore deeper but you were like why can't they jump up from the bottom division into the premier league oh i see you just

fucking threw now i'm confused i thought you were talking about i seem confused during jeff's conversation about the high school team, not our football conversation. That's why I was like, what are you talking about? I followed that closely. Wait, so you changed the subject to a new subject, and then I respond to it, and you think I'm still in the old subject? Yeah, well, you just said you seem confused in that conversation. I didn't feel like we had gone far enough into the conversation to call this conversation. I misunderstood you're referencing the text conversation that we had.

Gavin is explaining to me and correct me if I'm wrong. You may already notice, Jeff, but I guess in the Premier League, the bottom two teams get dropped to a lower league and the top two of the league below go up to that league. Yeah, it's called relegation shifting. Right. That's what it's called, right? Gavin relegation. Yeah. You get promoted or relegated. Yeah. and it's the top of top of bottom three teams I think that shouldn't end I think that should be at all levels of play

I want a team to start at the premier league and then be so bad that they're in like a youth league at that by the end of it like I don't I think you should be able to just keep going down if you keep losing can you go keep going up? Yeah, but that is what happens. If you lose, if you're bottom three again the next season, you would go down again. But there's a limit to it. You said there was a cap of like, you can only fall so far.

I want it to be like, I spent $5 billion on this team. I'm now playing in a field behind an elementary school. Like, I want there to be a huge collapse. So you want to see Manchester City go from the Premier League to a club team? Absolutely. Yes.

Like whatever's lower. I want Manchester United to be in a league where one of the parents has to bring orange slices every game. Like that's the fall of... I mean, you do get Premier League teams who may drop like two or three divisions but it would take two or three years to do it you would have to you would have to lose multiple back-to-back seasons

you can't just jump three down in one year no i know that i'm saying year by year i just i like the idea of a billion dollar franchise being in an orange slice league division and somebody who runs a youth team all of a sudden being in a fucking stadium that's yeah i love i love the idea of some local village having to go to old trafford to play man manu because they've been relocated so many times what uh what like can we look that up like what's the farthest the team has fallen from yeah how would you google that i don't know i mean this all came about because uh i was watching ted lasso and there's they mentioned that in in the show where i guess the nfl if you finish bottom of the league you just come back again next year yeah and play again

and you're still in the nfl well there isn't really a minor leagues for the nfl like it's just what if you suck do you just lose over and over and over again? You don't go anywhere? And there's no opportunity for a new team? How do you get a new team? Money. A lot of money. You don't. You're just shifting.

What you're describing is the Orlando magic. It sucks. You just don't get to be a good team. How does the whole sport not just get really stale? Yeah, Jacksonville Jaguars. Great call. You get a number one pick. You're dead last.

You theoretically are getting good talent. The way it's supposed to work is the worse a team does, the better they do in the draft. So they get access to the best players that are coming into the league. So it's supposed to balance it out. Like if you were the Cleveland Cavaliers, a perennially shitty team that underperforms in a small market then you get the first pick and you get to pick lebron james and they did doesn't seem

like a huge incentive like the the risk of dropping from one league to the league below is financially huge like ginormous amount of money different so i don't understand the incentive to play well in the nfl if you could just sit at the bottom year after year well if you don't play well for long enough that you might lose your team they might just move to another city but also there is no there's no league below that for you to play yeah it would be like the top cfl team would go up to the nfl and then just lose every game like it wouldn wouldn't, there's no, that's,

it's insane. Especially considering the size of this country. There's one league insane. there's the XFL. It's going to come back. I think next year. Yeah. But if you're saying it's not in relation to the NFL,

it's not, it's not like you drop into that one. Oh no, absolutely not. This could technically work. What you're describing could work in the NBA because there is a minor league, there's a D league,

and it could work in baseball because there's a ball. But yeah, there's no infrastructure for that in football. They could theoretically do it with baseball and basketball, though. The problem isn't the fact that there... It's not just a structure problem. It's a all-the-best-talent-plays-in-one-league problem.

Like, even though there is an infrastructure in basketball, nobody's opting to play in the G League over the NBA. Yeah, I said D League, I meant G League. Sorry, you're right. Hockey, I mean, it's a completely other thing for the draft. The draft in hockey is sort of ridiculous where even like unless you have a top, top pick, you're like, yeah, that player will help us in three years. Can't wait. That's fun like

there's no the nfl has massive turnover and i don't know if football like soccer football has the same where a team could be wildly awful one season and then have a great off season and become a playoff team i don't know what the competitive shift is i should also point out that in in soccer football there's no playoffs either you just, you just play every other team twice, and then that's it. That's no fun. Yeah, that's no fun. And if you have the same amount of points

at the top of the league, you just see who scored more goals. I learned about a thing recently about, so goal differential is a big thing in football, right? For determining seating or whatever. I don't know if that's across all football. In this league specifically, there is a big thing in football, right? For determining seating or whatever. I don't know if that's across all football. In this league specifically, there's a tournament and goal differential between teams was a big factor

in the playoff setting. Or I guess who would advance to the finals. And the two teams that are playing each other, one was in the finals, the other one was out of it, and they needed to win by two goals to advance. For this tournament tournament they created a weird like let's make it spicy they decided that a golden goal would be worth two which correct me if i'm wrong gavin a golden goal is if you score with the extra time remaining right like it ends

the game that's the last goal essentially is that what a golden goal is golden goal yeah i think they stopped doing it but yeah it was uh an extra time the first goal what ended the game yeah so they had this rule for this tournament where a golden goal now counted for two the team that needed to win by two was winning by one and there was like six or seven minutes left and they thought we probably aren't going to score within this time we need more time and we need two goals it's better if we just score on ourselves and force it to go into overtime so they just played pass with the keeper back and forth for a bit and then they scored in their own net and the other team was like what the fuck is going on and then they realized oh

there's this weird two goal golden goal rule so there is a brief period of time before like overtime started where one team was trying to score an either net because they could lose by one they just couldn't lose by two and the other team had to protect both goals and they were not the team that needed to protect both or

score an either didn't do it they went to overtime and the team that scored on themselves then scored the golden goal one and push the other team out of the finals because they scored on themselves and got into that position. That is batshit. Yeah, it's great. I wish that there was more ridiculousness like that in football.

That is sort of in the spirit of my rule of teams can fall endlessly. Yeah. That would make me way more interested in that sport. What is HelloFresh? Well, with HelloFresh, you get pre-measured, fresh ingredients and mouth-watering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door. Where else would they deliver it to?

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They also come with a 45 day happiness guarantee so right now face listeners can get 15 off the raycon order at buyraycon.com slash face that is buyraycon.com slash face to save 15 on raycons buyraycon.com slash face. Eric says, what was the thing we needed to cover in this episode? Yeah, we kind of went on a weird sports trip. We have a few things we can talk about. You guys want to talk about your jet ski? Was that on anyone's list?

What we just spent 20 minutes talking about? No, not at all. I don't even know how we got there. We got there because I drew 19 from the ping ball. So we talked about this episode on on the end of last week's episode yeah okay that was a great flub by the way andrew i don't want that i didn't i was gonna call it a ping pong machine a bingo machine and a lot of machine it just came uh well gavin do you want to talk about the jet ski adventure? We went on jet skis. So I think I wasn't imagining jet skiing right.

Because when you were describing how you were going on jet skis and you said you went like 50 miles an hour, I just thought you were exaggerating. I just thought you were rounding, just plucking a random number and you would have been going like 18 miles an hour or something. But they really go 50 miles an hour. We got on them, we got out of the slow bit and then Emily absolutely floored it. And I think my mouth just fell open

because I was still like, I was still trying to remember all the stuff the guy told me. I looked down to be like, okay, well, that's a speedometer. Okay, here's how I did. I looked up, you were on the horizon. You were like going around the curvature of the earth you were hauling ass they go so fast and i it really took me a while to like to brave it and get up to that speed i think i was freaking out at 30 because at that speed you know any tiny little bump in the you know in the waves will just

send you into the air so i was like oh god and so you'd see a wave coming and i'd immediately let off because i was like i'm just gonna go sailing off this thing when i hit that and i would slow down to like what felt like maybe 15 and it would just slam my ass against the sea i'd be like oh and i'd be like oh damn i'm glad i wasn't going 30 i feel feel like every wave you had visions of Kanye flying through the air. Dude. Well, that is one thing. As we were, because we did about, we did three hours, which I learned is maybe a little long.

Usually we do two. But I felt like every minute was closer to the inevitable accident that we're building towards. Like the second Gavin and I got on the same water in two different jet skis, I just realized that an accident is an inevitability. That is metaphysical certitude that Gavin and I will get into a jet ski accident together. And it didn't, we dodged it that day,

but I can feel the gravity of that accident pulling us forward. The bad thing is, was that the amount of time it took me to gain just a little bit of confidence was extremely short. I would say after 20 minutes, I was just trying to, I was like finding the smooth bits of the water.

You're trying to get out of the way of other boat wakes and stuff to the point where I was like, all right, let's see, let's see how fast this one goes. And I would just eat up a little bit each time, like 10 minutes later, I'd be like a 40. And then eventually i was just like i'm just gonna hold this down and see what i could get to and i got it to the point where the speedometer literally stopped

at 55 miles an hour and then i let off and i was like oh i'm getting some confidence now i'd say 30 minutes later i had a sustained three minute period where I was just going 55 miles an hour. And at that point I was like, this thing's not fast enough anymore. I want to go even faster than this. And there was a one point where I was holding it down. The jet ski sounded like it was going to explode. It had just a sustained, I was like, this is going to overheat. I was sustained 55 for about three straight minutes.

And I looked down at the fuel gauge. And as I looked, it just went bloop. And it plopped down like one whole bar i will say at the end i asked you i was like how do you think how you feel about it man and you said it's amazing how quickly you go from holy shit 50 miles an hour is so fast on a jet ski to why won't this thing go faster than 50 miles an hour yeah i could which is totally true the same with me on roller coasters like if i go to a theme park the first roller coaster i set foot on i'm thinking why am i on a roller coaster this is terrifying i hate this i got my eyes closed i'm like gripping as hard as i can but maybe three or four rides later i'm like why isn't there one that goes 150 miles

an hour so then you have to you have to just try other stuff. Like they were like, well, you know, if you tip over a jet ski, here's how you write it. You don't have a lot of time. I think,

what was it like 60 seconds or something to tip it back over before it's 60 seconds. Yeah. So I was just thinking, how violently can I turn on this thing? I was just listening. Like, what does it take to tip one of these?

And then I started chasing someone's boat. I was probably like a hundred feet behind it and just doing little jumps off the wakes just doing some some stuff that you shouldn't have been doing the first time you've ever ridden a jet ski but oh my god it was fun and then and then jeff and i were taking it in turns to do little jumps over this wake the uh that is like the best part about being on the jet ski is is driving behind a bigger boat and just jumping off their wake. You feel like a horsefly on the back of a cow or a horse. It's trying to swat you away, and you're just jumping around it, bugging it. But it is so much fucking fun.

I'm really glad you enjoyed it because it is the most fun. It's weird. You really get a visual feel about what the water's like. There's areas where it's just flat. There nothing happening and you can really go then there's areas of chop where it's like a small amount but you know that if you go too fast you will just slam your asshole on the seat it will like pound your spine but then there's like this in between phase where there's a lot of small waves and you can absolutely floor over those because you just kind of glide along the top of them. So you'll hear

it go like as you're just sailing over the very tops. So it's like you learn all this stuff just from looking at the water in front of you. And then you end up being a pretty good judge of what you can do. Do you remember the prize we found floating in the water that we all almost hit?

What? Oh my God. There was a point where we were jumping wakes, and we were, like, getting airborne, and I jumped a bit, like, we jumped a big thing and came down in the water and kind of, like, and looked up, and I looked to my left, and I screamed out loud

because there was a giant hoof looking at me floating out of the water a foot away, and we look over, and there's just a giant hoof looking at me, floating out of the water, a foot away. And we look over, and there's just a giant, dead fucking deer floating in the middle of Lake Austin. I don't know how much a deer is. Like hundreds and hundreds. 800-pound deer, maybe. I don't know, 600-pound deer.

The entire fucking thing. Just like his dead eyes staring out of the sky. Oh, my God. His fucking hooves. It was gruesome. How close were you to to landing on it probably within like three or four feet jesus yeah do you go like alongside it or over it because i feel like you i went to the right really yeah i landed like next to it when i and then moved over to the right but i behind us was about 400 boats pulling uh like skiers and skim boarders and wake boarders and shit so i gotta imagine that

couple of people probably hit it or had closer run-ins with it than we did so i have two immediate questions uh one is jeff sent me a video of the jet skiing experience with you gavin is that up anywhere has have people seen that yet we should put that put it on instagram yeah i think we'll put it up with this episode i uh that's a good call i haven't uploaded that we should put that on instagram maybe even i know it's like a youtube thing i don't know but we should have that in a place where people could see i love that video it's fantastic i'm a big that was just that's the only thing i knew about this experience going into it the second question i have you guys mentioned accidents and we're talking about

sports in my mind i don't know if this exists i assume it doesn't could we do some form of like jet ski jousting jousting with like two sticks and like a giant pillow or like a foam thing and just smash into it i don't i'm not saying 50 i'm not saying we're going you're crazy speed i feel like there's a medium i feel like this could be the evolution of jousting i would pay so much money to watch two jet skis go parallel well i feel like the thing is even if you collide accidentally head on at 10 you're gonna bang heads with the other person at 20 miles an hour combined no you're not you gotta be there's a separation there has to be a barrier i'm regulating the sport you're not just going you gotta hit with the ocean though yeah well that's fine you won't die from that i'm just saying we get a bear there's There has to be a barrier. I'm regulating the sport. You're not just going ocean to ocean.

Yeah, well, that's fine. You won't die from that. I'm just saying we get a barrier. There's a way to do this. I don't like that you're immediately cutting down my idea on a regulation aspect of it. Like you're ignoring any of the fun. You're just like, there are safety concerns. What if the jet skis ram into each other?

What do you think about this, Jeff? I think Andrew should spearhead it i think andrew i think you should come jet skiing with us first and then see if you still think that's a good idea yeah it seems like it would be fun to watch i didn't say it was a good idea well i agree it would be it would be fun for me to watch you guys do this i don't want to run this league I don't want to kill anybody yeah it's different if you witness it happening I do think I'm not sure where to go

with this but I feel like there is more content to be had in the world of jet skiing I think it's the highest jump quest I think that's a great idea Gavin I think that's fantastic we both easily jumped how high do you think we went on our max jumps?

I mean, in my head, in my head, like 20 feet. In reality, maybe five feet, four or five feet. I definitely got some air. I got enough air to fucking slam my knee so hard. I thought I broke it. Is that the evolution of the Jeff trick video? Is the next one going to be a jet ski slow motion? I think it has to be. I just put up the Gavin slow jet ski video is the next one going to be a jet ski slow motion I think it has to be I just put up the Gavin

slow of jet ski video in the slack it's fantastic the discord rather yeah I think I think that's the evolution is a jet ski stunt I wonder okay so what if we get one of those floating ramps that you get in GTA yeah yeah yeah yeah like a calling my idea dumb and then your reference point is a thing in GTA.

How do we get one of those sprunk ramps? We could get someone to make us a sprunk ramp. That's a great place to take the bike trick. The next one, it's definitely... You know what we could do too, Gav, is we could do synchronizedized tricks oh yeah see i feel like that's as dangerous in my mind as my jousting idea you two trying to do tricks at the same time within a frame shot of each other yeah maybe that's what we need to do how about this andrew we'll rent a boat you'll be on the boat you operate the ph, right? And Jeff and I will cross paths along the wake.

We'll get air and pass each other in the air. Oh, my God. Through the frame. A jet ski midair high five. God, we're going to die. We're going to... You're going to... I have to step in and say no.

Like, for the sake of my continued job and, like, you guys not dying or, like, breaking, I have to say no to the midair that there's no way there's no way they're gonna die you're gonna rip off each other's arms you know what else eric said no way about 19 i think we would end up we would end up sat on each other's jet skis facing the wrong way it would be like that episode of baywatch where hulk hogan gets hit by a jet ski and almost dies it needs to be one of you would go down yeah yeah well can't open a car packs with one arm yeah but hulk hogan made it oh hey if hulk hogan can make it we got that going for us that's true wow so

that was eric noping that one all right. Alright, so we don't know where we stand with the jet ski. Well, we'll think. We definitely have jet ski tricks that we can do. Maybe not the high five. Maybe we'll work our way up to that. Maybe after we show Eric our skills, he'll feel more comfortable. Maybe you could add an additional input on this, Gavin.

Jeff and I were talking about it. I feel like the jet ski entertainment market is pretty shallow. I feel like we can move in. I feel like it's Kenny Powers, number one. Then you think of the guy from Tiger King. And I don't think I have a clear number three. I definitely think of this person in a jet ski thing. I remember Vanilla Ice being really big into jet skis.

That being a thing. I don't know why, but I just remember that. In my head, I associate jet skis with Vanilla Ice. I feel like that video of Gavin has that when i in my head i associate jet skis with vanilla ice i feel like that video of gavin has already surpassed vanilla ice and the oh for sure we're already on the podium of jet ski known for jet ski content yeah i i think we honestly we should own the podium why do you like that video so much why do i like it or why yeah uh it's just it's a silly it's a silly video it's a dumb thing and also without context I

just received that without any point of reference that's the only thing I got it's a good video yeah I'm excited about the future of jet skiing I can't wait to kick it up a notch and start diving into some of the cool shit we can do also by the way

how fucking beautiful is lake austin and all the houses oh my god like when you're when we're not going a thousand miles an hour andrew there are all these little channels that you can go in off the main lake that are like you can go in on the jet skis like they're like no wake zone so you go real slow but it's through all these like there's like islands where houses are and you go under like covered bridges and there's like crazy fucking mansions and all these beautiful homes. Yeah, that's like side streets on water. Like you take a little water street off the main lake

and then you see a mansion with a volleyball court. It's a level of wealth that I would describe as absolutely disgusting. Like filthy levels of wealth on that. It's mental just to look at of wealth on that. It's mental just to look at the houses on there. It's pretty cool. I'm excited to film on the back

of a boat that I assume is moving very quickly with a very expensive camera based off of your idea. Yeah, I'll give you a sturdy tripod. All you gotta do is hit the button when Jeff and I hit the wake and go by each other. But in real life, we'll be like 25 feet apart. How does a tripod work

when the thing it's resting on is shaking violently? Does that still help? The boat is bouncing everywhere. Like, I don't think the tripod does anything at that point. Sandbags, bit of rope. Okay, I'm now excited.

What I have in my head can't be what you possibly think this will look like so i'm just excited to see what your contraption is for how we're going to stabilize i think if we tie if we tie ropes like boats have metal loops right they have little holes to put ropes through that's that's what comes with a boat right just wrap that around a tripod have you gotten to a season of survivor where they do the challenge where they have to hold the bar over their shoulders and they add sandbags to it they just keep adding weights that's what I'm imagining your system is

for how we're gonna level this I'm just gonna have a bar on my shoulders with a bunch of sandbags attached try to stabilize for you and you Jeff to high five or do it are you a boat guy Andrew no I'm not I like the idea of school you went to boating school well I didn't I didn't go to it the boating school went to my school it came to me Andrew, you went to boat school. You went to boating school. Well, I didn't go to it.

The boating school went to my school. It came to me. I did not go to boat school. I was in normal school, and they did a whole thing on boats. You attended boat school. I remember this being a big deal back when you were doing your PUBG challenge.

I attended school, and it had a boating section that I was very, and kind of tying into something else we talked about before, knots is where I fell apart. I was so determined that ace boat school are the boating classes and then there was the not section and it fell apart for me i'm terrible at knots never good at it not a knot guy i have a uh i have a new this is a little thing but you know i've been thinking about gavin and collecting and

how i have uh all my sports cards and all that nonsense. And Andrew, you now have your, and we haven't really talked about it, but your burgeoning love of collecting classic video games. And I think I've landed on, I'm going to put it in the perfect thing for Gavin to collect.

I feel like this is going to be insulting. I don't think so. Is it an egg? It's a baseball card of an egg. And there's many different kinds. This is the Allen and Ginter Tops 2019 egg card, of which there's probably 30 different parallels. Some of it is expensive as $1,000.

That's the base egg. Why do you want an egg, not a card? Why not, dude? What do you mean, why not? You love eggs. Is this the reaction that you're expecting, Jeff? Oh, 100%, yeah. You named my cat egg.

Yeah. But it's an egg. I just don't know what to stop. Why isn't that one of a kettle? Why an egg? Well, because this is a famous egg. Why isn't that one of a wasp nest? Because the wasp nest didn't get 30 million likes on Instagram or whatever.

This is the egg from the most liked thing on Instagram. But why is there... It's like culturally significant so they made a card out of it. But there's like many different kinds of that egg you can get. Oh my god, look at this eBay page of all the eggs. Yeah, see? You can collect all those different eggs. $8 egg, $40 egg.

The top one's a $1,000 egg, $500 egg. $500 egg? $800 egg. Do you think I should have a thousand dollar egg five hundred dollar egg for eight hundred dollar egg do you think i should be i should have a dozen eggs but they're all i think you should be an egg man you should have the you should have the collector's dozen all right yeah i'll start this collection oh a grand though that's a lot for a card with a picture of an egg on it well i hope you get lucky in a pool i feel like the way to do this so i'm trying to like process in my head i think what we do jeff and i don't want to step in on your idea in any way i think we get a bunch of like egg

cartons and we buy a bunch of different various types of eggs that are graded egg cards that are graded gavin has to pick a carton and he doesn't know where the greatest egg is he can end up with a bunch of rotten eggs he can end up with a bunch of fucking shitty egg cards he can end up with a great card i feel like that's the the way to do this instead of just buying every egg so you're just throwing up here so that i can miss out on a good egg i want you to potentially open a box of rotten egg cards just like the shittiest egg cards available and then be like oh behind this box is like the psa 10 this is the greatest egg card of all time apparently according to ebay at this moment what a fucking stupid thing to put on a baseball card what else is other than eggs what else that's not anything to do with baseball have they put

yeah that's a great question i don't know uh i i really don. Alan and Ginter, this line, they do this kind of shit every year. And this isn't old. This isn't an old egg. This is 2019. Yeah. Well, the egg might be old. It's the egg that dethroned Stormy Jenner on Instagram as the most liked photo. Why do people care about the egg?

I don't know. Okay. It's just, there has to be a reason. I just think it's ridiculous and stupid. And if I had to describe Gavin, that would be the two words I use. I thought you were going to expand on that. I thought you were going to double down

on those words you would use. That's the word. And the egg was originally posted on Instagram as an experiment by an unidentified Londoner and the pick soared to 30 million likes. So for all I know, Gavin, you could have been the one that posted the egg in the first place. You are also British.

Yes, it could have been. That is a fact. Yeah. Yeah. I can't argue that you are British. I think it might be. Yeah,

I think that's the only classification we need. That's the all the evidence might have just been identified. And he likes eggs and he likes to say the word egg and's the only classification we need. That's all the evidence. Might have just been identified. And he likes eggs, and he likes to say the word egg, and he named my cat Egg once. That's true. Is there a special word for stealing eggs? Hmm. Well, you know, like some items,

it's just called theft. But like if you steal an apple, it's scrumping. I didn't know that. No, I didn't. I didn't know an apple had its own thing. Oh, you never went scrumping as a child? What the fuck is that? What is scrumping?

Oh, is that a British thing? Oh, I found a new English thing. What is... You mean just like picking apples? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Well, I haven't looked up scrumping. I'm pretty sure it just means you've like nicked someone else's apples off their tree.

The Cambridge D definition is to steal fruit such as apples from trees. Yeah. So what's the egg equivalent of scrumping? How do you scrump an egg? Hold on. Let me Google that. How do you say annoyed by this? You said scrumping like it was a legal term.

Like people have gone to jail for scrumping. Like it is a thing that is tried. What? Am I wrong? It's a name for stealing fruit. It is. It is 100% a name for stealing fruit. Did Andrew leave? I think we lost him.

No, I'm here. Can you not hear me? We lost you for a second. No? We lost you for a second. No, you lost you for a second. What was your response? To what? Am I wrong? Are you wrong about what?

I don't understand what you're asking me. What happened? I feel like I missed your question. Well, you disappeared again. What do you mean? What was the question? Sorry, I'm reading about other words for scrumping. I will say if you Google, how do you scr what was the question sorry i'm reading about other uh words for scrumping i will say if you google how do you scrump an egg google responds with uh we think you mean

how do you scramble an egg uh in here we'll tell you can the title of this episode be how do you So I didn't know. This is Humpty. Nick said Humpty Dumpting. Humpty Dumpting. Humpty Dumpt Humpty Dumpty That's another thing Another reason why Gavin should love collecting eggs Is we had the whole Humpty Dumpty discussion

About Like We're just becoming a very egg centric podcast lately We had shit last time And eggs this time I guess the Humpty Dumpty thing Yeah Eric says is there a grey area between scrumping eggs this time. I guess the Humpty Dumpty thing. Yeah.

Eric says, is there a gray area between scrumping and foraging? Yeah, I guess so. Like if it's not a private tree, I assume it's foraging. If it's an owned tree or if you're trespassing for the apples, that's probably scrumping. Is scrumping a big problem in England? I don't know if it's a problem. I feel like it's just like a light crime that school kids do

because it's a little bit cheeky. Because I assume most people don't give a shit if you take their Bramleys off the tree. So in America, we have, like, you'll go buy private property,

you'll see signs posted that say, like, posted no trespassing, violators will be shot, stuff like that. Do you see, do you see in England, are there signs on trees

that say, like, no scrumping, scrumpers will be prosecuted, posted. say like, no scrumping, scrumpers will be prosecuted, posted. Scrumpers will be shot. Scrumpers will be shot on sight. I bet I've, I think there has been a no scrumping sign at some point. We need to make a no scrumping shirt.

If I put a no scrumping sign on my front lawn, I think that'd be excellent. It would be very confusing to a lot of people. Yeah, I'd love to hear what people say. What the rule is. Screw the shirt. We should sell no scrumping yard signs that people can post in their yard or their private property. I feel like that would be such a stressful thing

if you're like, okay, we got these people. You're in this field, okay? No scrumping allowed. If you scrump if you're like okay we got these people we're putting you're in this field okay no scrumping allowed if you you scrump you're out of the game and just seeing what people like have to process what scrumping even means I'd never guess it would be picking apples I love it without the like to scrump

you see that tree scrumped it. Bad fucking scrumper with his bag of apples. You see all those pies? Those pies are the product of scrumping. Got like black market scrumped pies. I love the idea of a conversation in prison. What are you in for?

Scrumping. Grand scrumping. I stole an 18 wheeler of eggs. It's grand scrump larceny. What is this, Eric? Scrumping badgers. Oh, badgers scrump. Probably, yeah. They're scrumpers.

Instead of teardrops for kills, it's apples for theft for scrumps. We should just sell a... We should make a shirt that has a badger with a no circle and line around it that just says scrumper at the bottom of it. Yeah, so I think the next merch meeting should be scrumping. Scrumper, no scrumping.

Oh, my God. That's great. Wow. Well, that just landed in our laps. I hope the audience sat through the sports portion at the beginning of the podcast to hear this. Jesus. audience sat through the sports portion at the beginning of the podcast to hear this jesus i did not expect i did not expect that dumb egg baseball card which by the way i bought six weeks ago and i've been meaning to to bring up uh i did not expect it to go the route of

scrumping that that what a gift i don't it's funny so scrumping can be any tree that's owned like any fruit it doesn't even have to be a tree what if i it's funny so scrumping can be any tree that's owned like any fruit it doesn't even have to be a tree what if I it's like a bush situation is that scrumping is it stealing the fruit off of a thing that somebody else's owns is that a book called scrumping by Harry Newhouse an erotic short

story on the consequences of apple thievery oh my god is this on ebay how do we get this? Yeah. It's on Amazon. It's on Amazon. It's free on Kindle. Is the story of Adam and Eve

a scrump story? Is that... Who... What was the tree? What do they call the original sin? The original scrump. Adam and Eve is the original scrump.

That's how it all went wrong. Oh my God. That was the origin of all sin was a cheeky scrump. Original sin is a scrump. It's like humanity began, according to the Bible, humanity began with scrumping. It's like they say that prostitution is the oldest known profession in the world, but it's not.

It's scrumping. I'm just imagining somebody getting pulled over with a giant sack of apples in their backseat, sweating. You know when a cop is searching something, and they see something of criminal activity and they just grab their gun? It's like they just see a big crate of apples. Yeah.

He looks at you and goes, you're going pretty fast there, man. Everything okay? You're like, yeah, sorry, I didn't realize I was speeding. He sees the bag of apples in the back and he just touches them and he goes, ma'am, I need you to get out of the car right now. Get out of the car right now.

Hands on the car, hands on the car hands on the car they drive by a cop car like the lights aren't on yet they just see it on the side of the road pour the apples out pour the apples out they're just throwing apples out the window we should oh my god we should read this story we should do like a pod we should do like a face shoulder

episode where we just read the scrumping story yes for the audience i think that's good and this is maybe something to do after the jet ski stunt we'll make a scrumped pie holy shit i never viewed eating a pie as potentially a criminal offense this has changed my life dramatically scrumping wow oh man i feel like i learned so much today i've been an educational one that's so fucking stupid how many bullets do you have left andrew i for like things for us to talk about or my bets yeah i still got my five my i have one it's kind of a bigger thing that we talked about. Is it the superhero thing? Yeah, I feel like I'm the only one that also did the homework on that. Well, I have

a, you know, I worked You're not the only one who did the homework. I have an angle there that I'd like to explore, but I don't think we have time to get into the superhero thing. And Gavin, I don't think we've talked to you about that at all, have we? No, we did. Briefly on text. Briefly on text. Okay, yeah. I'll say this.

I survived Survivor. I finally finished the 21 seasons. Now I'm living in a post-Survivor world. That's kind of cool. Damn, you sped up. I'm still on like 38. So you're just not going to watch the earlier ones? I will.

I mean, I finished it. I wanted to get through it so that I could watch the new one and be all caught up. So I watched seasons 20 through 40. When when does 41 start like end of the month september 22nd i think or 26th one of those days yeah it's end of the month should we try and get probes done oh yeah absolutely he could be our first guest i don't know what i'd ask Probst. What would you ask Probst? Have you ever scrumped? Does anybody... Tell us about the...

What kind of scrumping goes on behind the scenes that we don't know about? Are they scrumping rice? Whenever they pull fruit from a tree in that show, it's not scrumping because nobody owns that, you'd assume. Right. You'd assume that's just beach. All the breadfruit is fair game for them.

Yes. We could take on the responsibility of reporting all global scrumping. Because I can't imagine it comes up in the news that often. But if it does, we should... I feel like we could report that. Has anyone been... To the listeners.

What's the biggest consequence to a scrumper? Well, we need to read that erotic novel. It's probably anal. We'll find out. That apparently was about the consequences. I feel like we're going to get six pages into that thing and go like, this was a huge mistake. We cannot do this.

Well, we'll need to see if we have the rights to do it, if we can legally do it. But if we can, I think we have to. Although the comment leavers are welcome to tell us not to if they don't want to hear it. Where does copyright... Are we worried about copyright because it'll get detected? Can i play a snippet of an audio commentary on a movie or is that not allowed eric that's that's not allowed audio stuff is pretty cut and dry but

as far as intellectual property i've been looking it up as far as intellectual property for uh like an audiobook style situation where we're reading something, I think we can do it. And also we should just do it. Wow. There you go. Eric's usually the no, absolutely not guy. That was a yes from the producer. We have to do it.

I love this idea. I think we're going to get three pages. Andrew said six pages. I think we're getting three pages in and going, what, I'm not reading this anymore. I think that's what's going to happen. Where do the apples go? I guess we'll find out. I'm reading a story about

scrumping. Look at these fucking criminals. Look at these hardened fucking criminals showing off. That looks like a job for the Vancouver Child Kicker. No! That's like a full-on heist. He can de-sc scrump that real fast

i feel like that would oh you'd get such good air if mid-scrump i mean specifically just an observation i'm just thinking please stop kicking children andrew i've never i would never i want to be very clear i don't endorse it don't do it i've never done it i would say i would never you we've seen the photo it looks disturbingly like you this is what i didn't say at that time okay and you this is i feel like a key piece of information that will maybe change your views on that story i had just seen it follows within like the last few days i feel like that's a big shift that's a movie all about the demon thing can shape into whatever it can

look like anything yeah but at this point it wasn't following it was approaching the movie's not called it approaches what do you mean if you're following you approach you certainly are approaching while following it's not called It Approaches. What do you mean? If you're following, you approach. You certainly are approaching while following. It's following you behind. Like, when you follow someone, you're following behind them. You were turned around and facing it. They were following. Like, when I turned, they were walking towards me. Yeah, that's fair.

Yeah. How close did this person get? Within, I would say, six feet. They were probably six feet. Okay, so they were six feet from you. At which foot marker would you have deployed the kick? I would have deployed it probably

at a dinklage and a half. Okay. I would have taken a step forward. I was giving plenty of warnings. Really, I do feel like my life would have dramatically shifted if I kicked that kid. I'm so glad I didn't. Yeah, I think it would have.

If he was six feet away, you must have been two feet from kicking. That was very close. It was within seven seconds of something happening, I would say. I gave so many warning. I was trying to talk. It was very scary.

It was an intimidating situation. I just love that he's six feet away and he's still somehow a silhouette. You had no information of his face. I feel like we moved four feet walking backwards and I never saw anything that looked like a face at all. It was just dark outline the entire move. I have never seen this before in my life, but this is fascinating.

My two dogs are, I just looked out the window. Both of my dogs are, are perfectly next next to each other perfectly taking a dump at the exact same time how what's the latest on the shit three three inches apart from each other they're like it's like synchronized shitting that's so cool they don't even like each other but they shit together that's so neat how's the what's it has the what now well have you had any uh bad bad dog shit experience uh nah man life's been pretty shit free for me lately. Knock on wood. Nothing, like after that

doorknob fell off, I haven't really had any house problems as of late. Knocking on wood again. Dogs are fine. Knocking on wood. Yeah. Something about you going out of the country makes my problems go too.

Interesting. Well, I'll take another trip. We'll test it out. Well, just don't do it on fucking Thursdays because I don't want to skip another episode. Sorry to interject randomly. I'm reading a story right now. Somebody who was charged with scrumping.

There's been a charge filed against someone. So the word scrumping was on the legal documents on the legal documents. Goff had been charged with scrumping in the back garden of a house in Black Iden South Hampton South Hampton BLE CHYDEN magistrates taking the case of the town's petty sessions on August 5th 1868 were not merciful Sentencing him to seven days hard labor with a warning that if he offended, he would probably be whipped. There's a serious. What year was this? It was in 1868, August 5th, 1868. No, this is just Eric's asking if this is from the book we're going to read. No, this is just a new story I pulled up.

And where was that from? The daily echo.co.uk. No, I mean, okay, so it was in the UK. See, this is... Yeah, Southampton. This is why we fucking got... That's why we got the fuck out of there. This draconian scrumping laws. We had to start our own company. And that's our own country.

And that's why I had never heard and nor had Eric or Nick ever heard of scrumping, because we escaped scrumping tyranny when we left England. That makes sense. Get away from it. I feel like this will stand now as the most mentions of the word scrump in any piece of media of all time. I don't think this could be beaten. We're taking the scrump podium and we're going to put it right next to our jet ski podium.

Absolutely. I have two more things to say. Two points that I want to close out that are very dated right now. Take it away, Andrew. People have asked how I did with my Olympic bets. We haven't recorded since, I guess we did the last one, but I went 11 out of 16 just to clear that up. just to clear that up. And the second thing I want to say is I heard,

yes, I found out, I do not listen to these, that the plan to order the ice cream came during the chaos that was me getting the first order. And I just want to say I respect the move. I thought that was pre-planned. I also want to say, Jeff,

I think you ordered me more ice cream than you anticipated. You sent me a giant two- liter tub of banana ice cream. Yeah, it's not a big $70. Yeah, I said I tried to send you like $100 worth of ice cream. I assumed it was a lot. You sent me a double tub of banana and you sent me a small tub of banana. And so I didn't.

I say you cookie dough, too, right? Because you don't like it. You did. I remember you saying that you think something like cookie dough is the ice cream that people think they like, but then when they have it, it's not as good as they think or something. So I tried to load you up heavy on that one. No, well, the thing is, I flipped on that. I actually like cookie dough now.

I reversed that opinion. I enjoyed that. You got me bubble gum ice cream too, which is fine. But it was more of an issue of you got this big tube and you got the little tube and i opened the first ice cream i tried was the banana ice cream and i'm like jeff loves banana flavor this makes sense i've never had banana ice cream it's fine i wouldn't eat this regularly that i would love whatever i i was i bet you would adore this fucking ice cream i i had it i'm like i'm to throw this away. It's not that big of a container. I'll just eat this across time.

It's fine. And then I opened the big container and my realization that this was an even bigger tub of banana ice cream was just filled with disappointment. I was so excited of like, I got four flavors and they're mystery.

I don't know what they are where half of it was just banana ice cream. Oh, that makes my heart happy. Oh, that's good. Have you gone through all the ice cream yet? I ate the cookie dough. I have gotten rid of the majority

of the banana ice cream. I've tried. I did my best. It's just too much. And I still have, I didn't really touch the bubble gum. How about all the how about all the sweets and pastries oh yeah those are long you can't you can't keep those

gone yeah they don't hold good my favorite part of that is when you stormed off the second time you came you you were mad leaving because at this point it was it was the bit was old to you it was very inconvenient i just like how you came back the second time and i could almost picture you like smiling through your teeth you were like thanks for the ice cream even though you're annoyed you said thanks we just wanted we just wanted to celebrate your birthday man here this is what i'm excited about gavin i talked to you about an idea I had relating to Jeff before that. That sort of connects to this. Do you remember that?

No. I talked to you about a thing. I'll quickly text you what it is. Okay. And what Jeff did just locked in that I'm going to now do that. So I'm going to send you a quick text just to get your reaction. Looking at my phone? Yep.

Sending it right now. So that's something that we talked about before that happened. Now this is just like, it's an absolute. There's going to be a response. That's a guarantee. 100%. We better be able to put it on a t-shirt. Yeah, I think we can.

Okay. Okay. The last thing I sent you we're we're doing stuff with so I think oh my god how cool does that look by the way yeah it's awesome should we say I didn't want to say it because yeah no that's fine I think we can say it yeah we're we're doing like pink porta potty mugs like tiki mug things I guess yeah yeah they look awesome they look really cool they look very cool I don't know when those will come out but but they look great. I think it's been a whole thing. Like, they should have been out already,

but we got our sample back from the vendor and it wasn't up to standard, so we switched vendors. And it's been a whole thing, but I know the merch department's been working on it diligently in the background. Great. Should we wrap this up?

Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Once again, I feel like we all have so much stuff to talk about, and it's a time issue, and it's the issue of, I feel like none of us want to really engage in the thing because we don't have time but we still have a lot yeah we do we still have a big thing it's the thing i feared of having so much that we can't talk about it that's okay because we can talk about it next thursday when we record another episode of face is that the outro i like i like the way you said

that like thursday is the day that like that, like, Thursday is the day. Like, it sounds like Thursday is the day the podcast comes out on, which is very cool. No, it's just the day we record. Oh, no, I understand that, and you understand that. The people who record the show, maybe the people who listen to the show don't. Well, now they do. It's been explained to them very clearly now, in this way. Thanks for listening to another episode of F*** Face.

What about the calls to action or anything like that? We'll see you next week. Gavin, why don't you give us the calls to action that you love so dearly? It's your favorite part of the podcast. Oh, I did that last time. And Andrew. Eric, pick a number between 1 and 60. Who, me?

We already did this bit. No, no, no. There's no way I'm... Eric. Okay. Okay between 1 and 60. Who, me? We already did this bit. No, no, no. There's no way I'm... Eric. Okay. Okay, go. Okay. Okay, I'm ready.

It can't be 19. I still have 19 left. No, I'm not. It's not 19. Okay. I love our ability to have an amazing moment on the podcast and then just do it again and it's worse. We're so good at that.

Yeah. Open the f***ing face. You tell me when you're ready and I will hit enter. I got it in my hand. Ready? 47. Nope. Not even close. Goodbye! Okay.