F**kface - Too Spicy Icey // It's Hard to Listen When You're Talking [71]

Episode Date: October 6, 2021

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about Geoff's Survivor watch party, there's (football) magic in the air, and ""let the milk from our cows, soote your anus ows!"" Want to contribute to bits? Email what you can do to [e-mail] Sponsored by HelloTushy (http://hellotushy.com/face), ExpressVPN (http://expressvpn.com/face), and HelloFresh (http://hellofresh.com/face14 and use code face14). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hello and welcome to another episode of the F*** Face podcast starring Jeff Ramsey, Gavin Free, and Andrew Panton in no particular order in the comedy triangle. I was going to say, to start us off, if there's one thing, two things that I've noticed that the audience is polarized about,

and by polarized I mean that a percentage of them fucking hate when we do it. It's a lot of people don't like when we talk about sports too much, and a lot of people don't like when we talk about sports too much and a lot of people don't like when we talk about Survivor too much. So before we go into Survivor talk, maybe we should keep it brief. Yeah, no, I agree with that.

Did you see there was a... I thought you were going to say before we go into Survivor talk, let's get into some sports. I have both things on my notes. Talking about both things is a substantial update. Also can't be brief.

I enjoy that there is a subreddit thread about i was really it was the most conflicted it was like i really like when they talk about sports they should talk about sports more and then all the comments were as people debating whether they like the sports talk or not so somebody who really liked it people upvoting it for either visibility or they agreed with it. And then all the comments of people being either not enjoying it or debating the value of it. I will say when it comes to sports stuff, I find that we are mostly only drawn to silly fun. Oh, absolutely. I'm never just going to talk about the box score of a game and how some season is going.

It's the weird angles of it. Like you said of the season is going it's uh the weird angles of it like you said the things that make me laugh are the things i enjoy so speaking of the the silly angles of it uh if we're going to talk about survivor gavin maybe we should talk about the events leading up to survivor and then the hiccup in well that's more interesting than survivor because talking about actual survivor is boring boring for anyone who's not seen it yeah but you you offered to have a little survivor watch party at your house yeah and so you and meg were like dude absolutely we'll come over and i was excited uh very very excited i don't think we've had anybody over to the house in months and uh uh so we set to survivors at seven you guys were gonna pick up some pizza on the way

over uh and i uh at four o'clock i left my house to go run some errands and i walked back in my house at five o'clock and something felt different you know like when you walk into a room and something's changed but you don't know what it is immediately. It took me from the front of my house until my bedroom. Like in the Matrix. Until I realized, oh, the power's out. The thing that's different is it's a little dark, and I can't hear the air conditioning humming. And I go, what the fuck?

And then Emily walks in the room. She goes, power's out. And I go, oh, what? And so I go to my phone to look up like the city of Austin outage map. And I have a text from the city of Austin that says, hey, your power's out. Just FYI. Don't worry. We have a crew dispatch to fix it. The estimated repair time is 7.03 p.m. Survivor comes on at 7 p.m. p.m survivor comes on at 7 p.m so i text gavin and meg and i'm like i i can't believe that this is a thing but i of all like i know we just made plans two hours ago to hang out but uh somehow in the last two hours my power went out and i and by the way the only only place in austin that the power's out i made a video of it yeah that, that's what I was going to say. Usually, when you look at the outage map, it's like, number

of customers affected, 7,000. Because usually, like, a big chunk of the grid has got out. It was like, number of customers affected, 16. I took the video. I mean, obviously, I can't show the video because it shows some identifying information. But I made a little video

of them where it zooms out and you can see all of Austin has power. You continue and continue to zoom in till you get to my like my little neighborhood. So then Gab was like, well, I guess we'll fucking come over to our house. And Meg is like, yeah, you guys pick up the pizza now. And so I'm like, oh, fuck. That's OK. Yeah, I feel bad but yeah okay so as i'm and she was like i tell you what we'll check in in like 30 minutes and and we'll see if

your power is still out and she texts me at like six and is and is like hey we're supposed to pick up the pizza in like 15 minutes or something uh should we switch it over to your name and i'm typing yeah i looked outside there's no there's no repair crew in sight there's no way in hell the power's coming back on and as i was typing that the power kicked on all the lights turned on and i just deleted that and said we're good come on over and then we're we're we make it all the way through Survivor and we get to the fucking tribal council oh no and we're watching live on Hulu live right

and uh it just turns off it just goes yeah we can't play this right now yeah power was still on but Hulu was just like yeah we're having problems yeah Hulu was like nah we're good oh weird and I was like what and I go to grab the controller and it clicks back on and we're fine oh and then it does it again and then we're fine and then it does it again and

then we're fine and then it does it for a while and gavin and meg are looking at me like i fucking hate you we could have been watching this at home in our jammies comfy in our house with our 200 cats instead we drive all the way across town to your fucking ghetto and now we're infected with all of your house problems. First, your power doesn't work. Now your goddamn TV won't play your goddamn show. And then I'm like, ah, so I switch over to the Hulu on the Xbox

and that didn't work either. So then I'm like, ah, and as I'm like about to throw in the towel and fucking just like crawl into a hole, it kicked back on. It had recorded it we were able to finish watching it there's we missed like 90 of that tribal but yeah well we missed a lot of the tribal council luckily there were two in the episode yeah we missed the second one most of it i also like that i watch i mean 99 of stuff i watch is on demand VOD never live the last thing I watched live using live television was the

Euro finals and the time before that I think yeah I remember it too weird the time before that I think I was watching the 2018 World Cup final or something on live TV so I watched live TV maybe once or twice a year and this time it was just failing miserably what a turd but we got we got through it like how hard is it to have a are you not blown away that it can't it's survivor like everyone's watching it is that why it goes down i don't know man have you ever had issues with hulu live going into this no not like that no great very rarely. Yeah, I don't think so. Have you ever had a watch party with Hulu Live? No.

There we go. I don't think I... Yeah. This is the weather thing. It's the weather equivalent of your experience. As soon as you and Gavin organize a thing. Oh, my God. It can't rain in the house, but it can just disconnect constantly.

That's what happens. Yeah, when we make an indoor plan the power and the internet goes the plans were it was you know i just realized we could we could go back a couple steps the the whole story is even a little bit funnier because like a month ago emily made a reservation for dinner for four and then she was like we'll just invite gavin and meg or if they're not available somebody else closer to the event and see if anybody wants to go to dinner with us. And I was like, that's a great idea. And so about a week ago, I texted Gavin. I was like, hey, do you want to go get dinner Wednesday night?

And Gavin's like, absolutely. So we all get ready to do it. And then, yes, two days ago, Gavin texted me and goes, you realize we're going to dinner during the Survivor airing. And I was like, oh, Christ, really? And then so but it was like late at night and i emily wasn't home from work yet and i was like well i don't know dude i get i don't know what we're doing so i had to wait for emily to get home and we talk it out and then so we canceled the dinner plans yesterday morning so the and then pivoted to survivor plans

all so that the power could go out perfect was it a place that you had to wait on a reservation for? Could you just rebook? How big of a loss is this? No, we could rebook. It wasn't a big loss. It wasn't a huge deal. Okay. No, it wasn't a huge deal at all.

So, same time next week? Yeah, your house this time. All right. We'll see how it goes in life. We could go tradesies. Yeah. This is great. It's like a second layer to the game for me,

just hearing how it failed for the two of you. So you had an internet... It wasn't even internet outage, it was an app outage. And the power went out. I think we should be very afraid of what will happen when we all have... I will just have both my ankles rolled, but that's every day. I'll show up in a full body cast. Have you ever had a double ankle roll? I've never had a my ankles roll, but that's every day. I'll show up in a full body cast. Have you ever had a double ankle roll?

I've never had a double ankle roll. No. It doesn't mean, it doesn't need to happen at the same time, but can you have a stack at it so that the other one's still sore and then you roll the next one? Yeah, I have. Be like James Caan in Misery. I absolutely have.

I've had things where I've hurt one ankle and then had the hobble on the other ankle and then hurt the other one. So by the time the first one healed the second was still in pain yeah I've done the flip I've ankle flipped I dated a girl briefly in the army who

like three days after we started dating she slipped and broke her leg and had to be in a full leg cast and wear crutches and then she was in her room getting ready and fucking fell off the crutches and then she was in her room getting ready and fucking fell off the crutches and broke her arm and had to have a full arm cast

so she had a full arm cast on one side of her body and a full leg cast on the other and then she dumped me so were you unsupportive of her? as far as I know she's still in those casts no I was like it was really nice,

but I guess she had other stuff on her mind. I'd also like to point out your phrasing. You said she was wearing crutches, like they're a clothing accessory. Oh, I don't know, like using them, whatever. Did I say wearing? Like you pop on a pair of gloves. I've been losing it with that stuff lately.

The other day, somebody honked, and we were in the car, and I screamed, I yelled, don't bark at me! emily was like what the fuck did you say and i was like i said don't don't honk at me and she was like no you did not and i was like oh man and uh yeah i don't know why i did that but i'm maybe early dementia maybe you did it in a face recently you said you were like halfway through saying something and then andrew said a word and then you ended your sentence with that word and no one noticed i wish i had i'll pull up the clip for next time because it made me laugh i was like did you mean to say that okay it's from like two episodes ago i didn't notice that either i'd love to hear it hey so uh what

is new with you guys by the way uh can we talk speaking of things that nobody wants to hear quickly quickly cover the fact that there is magic in the air we got some magic going i'm feeling good about it i don't think gavin necessarily even knows about this oh it's style the magic has begun but i wow i almost called you different fucking name i'm sorry i thought you were gonna call me brick i was yeah i was gonna call you brick well you got a million fucking nicknames so it's not out of the question that i could just throw a wrong name out there. And you were once called that as a child. Brick.

Gavin and Brick. It's a great duo. Do you know somebody named Brick? I don't know anyone named Brick. That's the Borderlands guy's Brick, right? The big guy? The soldier class? Sure. Yeah sure he's brick steve carrell who is he in uh anchor man i yeah he's brick tannin i in the same way the chevy chevy chase

thing i fucked up steve carrell's name for years for years what are you calling him steve carrell yeah sure was years steve carrell every time i'd say steve nobody it. Steve. Nobody correct me. But you got the Steve part right. I got the Steve right. Yeah, I've never called him Britt Carroll, which would be a fantastic combination. Or Steve Carell. Yes. But the magic. Andy Dalton.

Ankle injury? Knee bruise? Something happened. He heard his leg. He's out. Justin Fields is in. Justin Fields is starting. It's a big leg. He's out. Justin Fields is in. Justin Fields is starting. It's a big news.

I needed that. I would say that in the three-way race for rookie of the year, I am in last place right now. Najee Harris is doing okay. But Gavin, your quarterback, Mac Jones, is doing very well. And Andrew, it looks like Justin Fields, has green pastures ahead of him. So I'm a little nervous.

Magic is on the field now. He wasn't there. He was coming in weird plays every now and then, but now he is starting. He has an opportunity to win the job. This is either like the Magic will carry forward. This is a lock to win, or he will lose the job

and the bet will be over by the mid season. I'll come dead last, but I believe in Magic. Well, so I've been taking the idea that I'm going to let Najee do the first couple weeks on his own, see what he's capable of before I intervene. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I'm just kind of playing it fast and loose right now.

But I don't want you to think it's because I'm not paying attention. I am. I'm just waiting for the right moment to strike. Oh, fair enough. I would also just recommend to anybody to get some to strike. Oh, fair enough. I would also, I just recommend to anybody to get some magic in your life, generally speaking. We can't have too much magic, though, on the same subject, surely.

Well, no, what do you mean? Well, because then it will be like that Quidditch match. Everyone's fighting over the same broom. No! No, you just, you load up on, are you saying, like, from the same source? I don't really understand your point. There's no such thing as a cap of too much magic.

Or is it, like, too powerful? Well, if it's, no, like, too much magic or is it like too powerful if it's no it's too much magic on the same subject why would that be an issue do we lose Gavin did we lose cabinet or did he just not reply no I heard you say too much magic on the same ship yeah and what quiet for a moment subjects yeah but I don't lie we interpolated that, yeah. Well, regardless of that, I would just recommend people... I don't know what you're trying to say, and it's kind of in and out. We're going to move past it.

You're wrong. Whatever you're saying is wrong. It's just incorrect. But I would recommend having magic in your life, having some protection potions on you, whatever you need. Because I had a really shitty week and i was like oh man i guess this whole magic thing isn't working out this is a previous week and then i realized it was probably heightened by the fact i had the magic i wouldn't have wanted to go

through that week without the magic i probably would have been gorged by a bull or something as soon as i left the house yeah if it wasn't for the magic as long as you have magic no matter how bad things are you can say oh i'm glad about that magic i'm thankful for that gorged isn't gorged isn't that what yeah no that's work yeah that's you get gorged by a gourd i think is what you're trying to say you know you can say gorging is isn't gorging like stuffing your face? It is. It is. You're right. Isn't that engorging?

It is. Not stuffing your face with a bowl. That would also be unpleasant. Not what I intended. I meant the stab mark, not the eat thing. Gorge. If you just get swallowed whole by a bowl. That would be terrible.

God damn. If I was going to get killed by a bowl, I'd want it to hit me with the horn and not be swallowed. I'd feel disrespected if I got eaten by a bull nobody gets eaten by a bull i appreciate andrew that you put it into perspective and that you at first you thought i had a shitty week and magic didn't help and then you really you you took another look at it and you said no wait a minute maybe i had maybe the magic did help it would have been that much worse. I had a similar event happen to me yesterday. I clued you guys into it a little bit. Was it yesterday or the day before yesterday?

It was yesterday. And at first, I looked at it as a terrible, terrible event. But then I was able to reframe it and see that there was a way to make lemonade out of that anal lemon. And I'm really excited to share that with you guys right now. If you would so indulge. I just want to say there's no magic in what you're about to do. Oh, I think that there is. First off, the world has been asking, Jeff, we loved Beef Bracelet.

We loved it. It was the best. What are you going to follow up Beef Br up beef bracelet with we want to know we can't wait and i'm like it doesn't work that way matt inspiration has to strike right sometimes it has to strike at your lowest most painful embarrassing moments like let me just say inspiration struck and here's how the other day i was riding my I got up. I've been riding my bike on a tear. Gavin, I went with you and Trevor the other day.

We had a lot of fun riding bikes. Since then, I've averaged more than one bike ride a day. The other day, I got up. I went for a 27-mile bike ride first thing in the morning. Then I had a full day,

had a great productive day at work and then Emily, Millie's with her mom this week and Emily was working late and I was kind of home alone and bored and I thought, oh, I I was kind of home alone and bored. And I thought, oh, I'm going to go for another bike ride because I feel pretty good. And I currently have like gallons of Tiger Balm Ultra because my lower back has been hurting a bit.

And so I've been slathering it on lately. Something that also happens is that I'm aware of. And if you ride a lot of bikes, you'll understand this. If you ride your bike, I don't know, 50 miles in a day, it makes your butthole hurt. Like the seat of your butt. It makes your like your like where your butt like your butt flap hurt. Yeah. And and it makes it really sore.

And so I thought, you know what? Before I get on this fucking bike i'm gonna big brain this i have all this tiger bomb ultra i put it on my spine all night long to help me out there i'm gonna rub it on my butt cheeks so that they don't ever get sore i've lost so much sympathy for your situation this is is not... Okay, so wait. It's the cheeks that hurt. My butt cheeks, I'm getting there. So when you ride the bike too much, I was anticipating a butt cheek hurt.

So I put the Tiger Balm on my butt cheeks. Then I hopped on my bike. My butt was humming. It was on fire in a good way. You know what it's like. I was loving it. And so I start to pedal it and pedal it and I'm having a great time and it's all, you know, it's like. I was loving it. And so I start to pedal in and pedal in and I'm having a great time. And it's all, you know, it's Austin and it's five in the evening, which is like the hottest part of the day in Austin.

So it's like 118 or whatever. And after about, oh, I don't know, six or seven minutes, I start to sweat. And that's when all of the sweat on my body poured across my butt cheeks and then into my butthole. And with it, it brought the furious pain of a thousand cuts into my anus. It must have been a half a gallon of tiger balm in liquid form went right into my butthole. This happened while you were riding it was while i was three miles three i rode it was well i'll tell you i did 22 miles that that ride so uh 22 and a half miles so uh because i did a an even 50 yeah so why is your anus not facing down though it's

not like it's defying gravity i was like three minutes in or like three miles in when it started to hurt. And then, and as you know with me, I'm not going to stop the bike ride. When I wrecked that day in the ice, I didn't stop the bike ride. I plugged the holes with mud and ice and I kept riding, right?

So I was like, I can't turn around now. That would be admitting defeat. I'm just going to grin and fucking that would be admitting defeat I'm just gonna I'm just gonna grin and fucking get through it and I'm texting you guys while I'm riding and you know telling like sharing my pain with you and it just gets worse and worse and then I didn't even tell you guys this part then something a realization hit me after everything kind of like it gets hot you know and like tingly and then it kind of goes numb. Then I realized what is,

what does icy hot do? What does tiger bum do when it soothes your muscles, your sore, tense muscles, it releases them. It makes them numb. And then it makes them not tense. And then I thought I have numbed and unleashed.

I've numbed and untenced my asshole. You got to plug that hole with mud. Right after the shower incident. Right after the shower incident. Right after the shower incident, where I shit, which, by the way, Emily had so much fun telling you guys all the gross details last night.

And then I'm sweating, so I'm just wet. I'm just hot and wet everywhere. And I'm thinking, is my butthole leaking? Am I just leaking ass juice? Am I pooping as I ride? And I thought, I'm just not going to look down.

I'm just not going to look down. And I'm just going to finish my ride. And I'll just figure it out when I get home. It's like the end of Die Hard 2, where he knocks the gas cap off the plane and then lights on fire. Jeff's just leaving a shit trail on his bike. I mean, maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. I don't know.

And I rode all around Town Lake. And I thought, well, as long as nobody, like, at least I'm looking at people eye to eye. I don't have to see their reaction when they see behind me, right? And I'm riding fast. So it's like, I just got to get through this. And so I, you know. Were you trying to clench or was the,

is it the clench that you couldn't feel or you don't know if you were allowed to clench? I couldn't feel. I couldn't feel. I didn't know if I was clenching or not. So you could have been clenching, but you just didn't know. Yeah, it's like when you sleep on your arm wrong, and you wake up and you have no control over your arm for 45 seconds.

That's what Icy Hot does to your butthole, or in this case, Tiger Balm. And so, yeah, my butthole was asleep. Like, my ring was asleep for, you know, two hours, or however long I was on the bike ride. Wait. It was about an hour. The whole ride was about an hour and a half. So probably about an hour and 15 minutes.

Maybe an hour and 10. Anyway, got home. And just so you guys know, I ran straight to the shower. And I was completely clean. Totally fine. And at some point, it stopped hurting, and I'll also say, my butt cheeks never hurt the entire time.

Like, that 50-mile bike ride, and I've been on two bike rides since then, butt cheeks have been fine all week. So in the end, it worked. Now, that's not my reframing. It clearly didn't work. What do you mean it worked? Also, you said...

My butt cheeks never hurt. You said you're perfectly clean. You had like a paste of sweat and tiger balm all over your head. Yeah, I mean I had sweat. I rode a bike for two hours in the sun. Of course, I didn't have shit on me. I didn't have poopies anywhere. I didn't have diarrhea.

I didn't leave a trail of poop breadcrumbs like I did in the fucking hotel in Vegas. None of that. That part was clean but anyway through the course of talking to you guys and i was telling you guys i needed relief andrew you recommended i put milk in my butt because uh that's what you do with jalapenos right you drink milk uh so and and when i in that time that i got jalapenos on my dick i stuck my dick in milk and that did help. I think I told you that story once or maybe it was on a different podcast. And I was like, yeah, but how am I going to put milk in my butthole?

And then you were like, well, you could take a milk bath. And I was like, dude, I got another 20 miles of this bike ride to go. I'm going to be doing that anytime soon. And I also who's got enough milk to who's got enough milk to fill a bathtub? Certainly not me. enough milk to fill a bathtub. Certainly not me. But anyway,

in the course of that, inspiration struck, and I came up with what I think is, and Nick has heard none of this, so I'll get him's unfiltered opinion, which I'm really excited about. I came up with an idea for a product. I'm just going to go ahead and, without saying it, I'm just going to go ahead and post the images.

I've made a logo for it i'll do that one first no and then i made like a tagline and uh i did some photography for it and i here's the here's the....catch an image? It looks... That's horrifying. Upload file. It looks like a prostate. It looks like... Oh, you guys can see it. It icicled me. Okay.

I present to you the Too Spicy Icy. This is an all-dairy product. What I have done is I took a turkey baster, and I took the top off, and I filled the turkey baster. Well, I taped the bottom of it. Then I filled it with milk, pure milk. And then I stuck

a stick in it and I froze it. And what I've created is a long cylindrical device I call the Too Spicy Icy. If you have a sore butthole because maybe you ate spicy food last night. I know I do that all the time. Maybe you had some Memphis hot chicken.

Or maybe you had some extra spicy jalapenos on your nachos. Or maybe you rubbed tiger balm all up in your asshole. I know how to solve it. You can take this all-dairy product and shove it gently into you. It will cool you and has the added benefit of, think about this, what does milk do for you guys? What does it do for you? Strengthens your bones.

It builds strong bones and a healthy smile. What's the most important bone in your body? Your spine. What a fucking awesome way to get a calcium injection right up your spine. It's going to make you stronger. It's going to take away your butt pain. And it goes even better because here's the next image.

Oh no. Here's the next image. Oh, I like this one. I'm really excited about this one. From the fine folks at Uniform, let the milk from our cows soothe your anus owls. See, and there's a cow, there's a picture of a cow in the snow. This is great for a couple of reasons, right?

That's a catchy slogan. Let the milk from our cows soothe your anus owls. And we barely have talked about it, but as you know from Beef Bracelet, which is a subsidiary of F*** Face Industries, which is a subsidiary of Fluke Face, which is a subsidiary of a highly secretive, very rarely talked about,

but often alluded to company called Uniform. Uniform. Combining the fabric of the farm with the power of one. Uniform. This is another perfect Uniform product. We make the milk that we freeze that you put in you. And, because

I had so much fun last time making the video for, you know, I made a spec video to show how we would promote and how BeefBase would work. I made a little commercial for you guys. So I'm going to submit that. Here's a video for you to watch. It's real short. Oh, my file's too powerful.

How do I do this? All right. I'll put it in. Here's what I'll do. I'll put it in Slack. You're going to Slack it? Yeah, Slack. Are you done with images?

I'm done with images. Every time you say I have another image, I'm waiting to see you with a popsicle in your ass. I really don't want to see it. So I'm glad we depressed. Watch this video. Oh no. It's uploading. Oh, there it is. Okay, I gotta go to Slack.

Oh god. There are so many flaws with this plan the the turkey baster shape is awful because it's pointed at the end it just looks like a milk spike it looks like the last thing i would want anywhere near my anus so i understand what you're saying and i think that the different people are going to have different anal tastes for that kind of thing i get that i also think that there's room for us to consider making, and I don't have one at home, so I couldn't make a prototype of it easily,

but to kind of consider making like a pacifier that you could just kind of pop in, right? And that kind of cradles your butthole. Video is uploaded. I would like you to please watch it now. All right. Watch it. I'll watch it too.

It's so long. Firstly, it's way too long to... It's only 37 seconds. No, not length in video. The ice freaking spike would skewer the back of your anus. It would hit the bend in your intestines. That's going to get you... No, see, that's the nice thing about it. It's going to come with...

And I'm glad that you brought that up. We're going to make it... People are different sizes. So what you do is you sell a one size fits all but then we include what i'd like to call it's almost like a cigar cutter right and then you can cut it to the length of your preferred anal uh depth it's awful yes you just go like cut cut cut cut cut you can just cut it down to the size that works for you and i'll and i'll be honest with you i i'm and i'm being totally honest i said i think that might be the best video i've ever made in my life i'm so happy with it i'm so proud of it i feel like i've done such a good job of relaying what's happening and how fucking relieved and soothed i am without being graphic it looks like like one of Wolverine's claws before

the adamantium. I like that you brought up, Gavin, that it is going to just stab your anus in Jeff's response of, listen, I hear you. But you didn't solve anything. You just created a new problem and then created an even worse solution for that problem.

It's just going to freeze and burn your sensitive anus skin. It's going to shred your ass from the cold and from the spike. It's probably second to a knife in terms of things that you should pop your ass. Well, I don't know. I don't know. We're going to have to focus test it i think that uh i think that that might be a little harsh i think that you might find that there are a lot of people who would appreciate the soothing nature of uh dairy i could just like as soon as it goes in

it's like anally licking a pole in the winter it just gets stuck like you have a milk i think you're also i think you're also forgetting how warm it is inside your butthole that's why people check temperatures it's gonna melt very quickly it might melt as fast as you kind of put it in it's like the worst survivor challenge

people stand over a plate you just have to show Jeff the stick. Show me the stick. Jeff, I think... Now, I will say that stick, I would not recommend the stick I used. I used a skewer. You put a skewer inside the ice skewer? You put a real skewer?

Well, that's all I had. That's why I'm saying it's a prototype. That's all I had. We'll use a rounded... I love everything I've made. These are fantastic products. I already asked Aaron yesterday if we can sell frozen products. No one wants that.

You don't know that yet. The audience hasn't responded. I'm telling you there's seven and a half billion people on Earth. I can't be the only one that sees the value in this. You don't even like milk. No, I don't. I don't like milk at all.

That's an excellent point. But you know what I do like? Thanks for asking. I like lactose-free milk because that lets me eat cereal again without having the tummy aches, right? We've talked about that. That's why I have all the Captain Crunch now, thanks to Andrew. You'll notice in the gorgeous picture that I created

for the Too Spicy Icy logo, there is both lactose-full both lactose full and lactose free milk displayed, giving the impression that we would make a lactose free option for people like myself. What about chocolate?

Is there going to be like a chocolate version of this? Can we have a variety of flavor? Like what is the end? What is the end goal? How much can you farm off? I think it'll, I think it's going to become chocolate on its own. Jeff, do you think you can tell what percent milk it is

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I also love this product picture. It's so small on the plate. I wanted to fit the uh the the pretty flower bouquet and then the the milk the three different kinds of milk in as well that's why i that's why i i zoomed in and put it on the right it took me a while on the side the main picture is it's a white thing on a white plate on a white counter and it's about 15% of the image yeah, but like think of it poster size. It would look it would really to Make if we made posters 24 by 36 posters. They would like yeah

Can we put this on a billboard somewhere no context? Just I don't know why we can't I think it's a great idea. I think it's a great idea. We should put it on a billboard. I own that image, and I smudged out the HEB logo on all the milks. Yeah, let's put it on a billboard and see if anyone knows what it is. We need a phone number. Call if you think you know what this is. Call to order now, and then just know, just see what the calls are.

On their way to work, be like, hey like hey just see that too spicy icy billboard what do you think that is i wish i wish we uh i wish we had like a comment lever in the audience who was like i don't know a billionaire and who uh was occasionally like just gonna do that you know well why I'm saying we should waste all of the sponsor money on stuff like this. Yeah, you're right. Instead of relying on the made-up billionaire to do it. Yeah, that's a good point. Take the company money.

If you show this to a hundred people, what percentage do you think realizes that this is an anal product? Zero. There's nothing about this. You would never think that. You would never make that leap. I love that you're saying this.

I'm right there with you. That's part of the strength of it, right? No, it's not. I didn't mean this as a positive. Yeah, no, it is a positive. You're right. It's all about perspective, Andrew. We discussed this.

Magic is in the air, buddy. Magic is in the air. We could put this on the Instagram and just type, like, where does this go? And see what people think. Or like, what is this for? Oh. Thank you, Gavin. That reminds me of this day.

Yeah, we can do that. I'm still trying to process the fact that you think you can throw a baseball. 80 miles per hour, Jeff. of course i can uh and i meant to tweet to ask people just to see like on what range you are yeah do you think now is the spicy what is it too spicy icy too spicy icy yeah could you just use that as a popsicle like it doesn't have to be an anal thing well like i wouldn't put it well i mean if you wanted a milk popsicle yeah sure yeah but that's not what it's designed for i don't think it's designed for what you're saying it's designed for it's on a skewer and it's as sharp as a knife i think i designed it andrew and i know what i

designed it for i think you did a horrible job. You didn't solve any problem. What problems did you solve today, sir? At least I tried. I didn't have any problems. At least I identified a need in the world. I watched Survivor perfectly fine. My power stayed intact. Oh, now you're going to brag about your awesome Canadian power.

Yeah. Yeah, I will. I will. I watched both tribal councils. It was great. I had no problems. I have that audio clip. Oh.

What audio clip? From earlier. Let's see if you can hear this. Okay. Information he's posted. Interesting. Guiding light, 15,000 episodes. Oprah Winfrey show, 4,500.

Jerry Springer show, 5,084. Interesting. Because on the Jerry Springer Show Wikipedia page, it's listed as 4,969. I wonder if they roll in some of the Steve Show in that, potentially. What's the Steve Show? Well, you know that cop that was like the security guy? I'm playing the wrong bit.

I was like, this is so long. Oh, I started right after. Oh, here we go. What? I want like an episode breakdown book. Like it's just a fully every episode written down and him giving little notes about each show. Just a giant encyclopedia-sized thing of trash.

Hey, man, I don't know if you've checked the trash lately, but Eric's got some conflicting information. What? You said trash, and Jeff said I don't even check the trash recently when he was talking about the chat. It seems like I would have done that on purpose, but i can't come up with a reason why eric said that was worth it i just like the none of us noticed we we've got to pay attention on these yeah

stuff like that pass it's hard to listen while you're talking though it is pay attention when you're i'm just thankful nobody barked at Jeff. What a relief. Yeah. God, that was a weird thing, man. Stop barking. Well, anyway, that's my next product.

I can't promise when I'll have a third, but, you know, uniform's cranking away. I'm gonna start talking to some distributors. If you're interested in investing,

I have a lead on a new product i'm not very far along i can tease it a little bit but i have identified that one problem with this product could be uh milk residue and what to do with it uh milk leakage so uh i'm thinking if you could create like a a pair of milk pants that that absorbs and recycles the milk, kind of like the Atreyu, like Paul Atreyu's outfit in Dune, where it like recycled all the pee and sweat into like drinkable water. Like if we could maybe maybe come out with a way to filter the milk leakage into, I don't know, you could water plants with it or something. Anyway, we're working on that. And anyway, if you're interested in investing, just let me know. Could I

potentially enhance the product, Jeff? Just slightly. Always. That's what I want to hear. I feel like this is a much better design. Zero enthusiasm. I don't think this should exist. But if you're going to make it, I feel like that's a much better scale and option. You can wear

it. It fits within the uniform, as Gavin said. Not wearable. But you got that. I like that. What that is is you posted a ring pop. I think a ring pop is very similar to a pacifier, which is what I was saying earlier. And that's a great direction to go with it.

Thanks. I appreciate it. I agree with you. Because it's not as deep, and there's an easy way to get it out. Yeah. And it's also a little wider for a heftier you know not all buttholes are the same size so you know i don't think anything needs to go past the sphincter i think it's all surface level tingles and numbness i don't think anything these i don't think that anything's go inside your anus it's just the end of the anus

that feels the spice i don't know like you spice six inches up. I felt like I felt it pretty deep yesterday or the day before. How many inches up the asshole? Maybe like an inch up. Maybe a ring pops the way there. Taking it back to the beginning of this, I'd love to hear Eric and Gavin's thoughts.

So we got a text leading into this of Jeff just saying that he got Tiger Bomb in his asshole. What did you imagine the context of that was? Did you think like did you put any thought into it? I personally I thought it was a thing where like he applied it to a part of his body, didn't fully remove it from his finger and then like wiped his ass and accidentally got it. I thought it'd be like when you eat something spicy, you accidentally touch your eye. Yeah, no, exactly. That's what I assumed. and accidentally got it. I thought it'd be like when you eat something spicy and you accidentally touch your eye. Yeah.

No, exactly. That's what I assumed. I never would have guessed that this happened in the middle of a bike ride. It was a solution for numbing. The fact that he applied it to the ass area is shocking. Oh, you didn't realize I had done that? No.

I assumed it was much more accidental. I lost all sympathy for you and your problem. It was an accident. It was an accident. It was an accident. No, but you put it, you put the tiger bomb in a danger zone and you paid the price. You played with fire and it happened.

It wasn't like it was where it was supposed to be. Listen, first off, I don't know that it matters how it got there. It absolutely does. What matters is that it's there and that I'm dealing with it and suffering in the moment. Who cares how it happened?

I just, I don't, and to call it a fix, it's like you burnt your hands, put on gloves, and then burnt the rest of your body and was like, I fixed the issue.

My hands are fine. It's like, what are you talking about? I don't think that that's accurate at all. It's ridiculous. How does that talking about? I don't think that that's accurate at all. It's ridiculous. How does that make sense? It makes no sense. You burn your butthole,

you put, it's the same thing I put my dick in when I got jalapeno juice on it. I know. I assume it's going to work exactly the same.

That was just liquid milk though, wasn't it? Yeah. Were you just dunking your cock and balls in a cup? Yeah. So what's stopping you from just sticking your legs either side of your head and just pouring a shot of milk into your ring?

That's essentially what I'm doing, but it's a lot less messy the way I'm doing it. Do you have a milk funnel for your butthole? What, specifically? What? I also don't have an ice cube tray. Don't touch that! That's my butthole funnel. You don't need one because you'll buy the product from me!

You're not making it yourself, you're buying it from me! Or from Dillard, like from CVS. You're selling a turkey face stuff. You'll probably, we'll probably buy it from CVS or HEB or wherever, Randall's, whatever grocery store you go to. Probably have some sort of a, I would assume, like, oh, maybe like a Linens and things or like Bed Bath and Beyond.

I could see us being there. I'm just much more on board with Andrew's Ring Pop. Yeah. Sting Pop. The Sting Pop, I like. I like that. The Too Spicy Icy Plug, Nick said, is good as well. Sting Pop.

I think what we do is we workshop names. You know? All about that. I also, while I like, I do kind of like the jewel shape of it, though. I hope Ring Pop doesn't have... Is it the Bellagio in Vegas that has that fountain outside of it that shoots the water up?

I'm just imagining that with milk. Yeah. That's what we could do for our launch party. 17 dudes squatting over it. I'd make the end of Ocean's Eleven significantly better. Anyway, what do you guys got? I don't know how to follow that up, Jeff. Well, what about your homework, Andrew?

Oh, Eric's got a question. Oh, Eric has a question yes sir just quickly and then we can move on to andrew's homework um you said specifically that this was to stop your tiger balm burn is that right in this instance yes it would be to soothe the tiger balm burn but i also then immediately realized that when i have too spicy food my butthole burns in a similar way and so i i think that it would work for that as well does milk help ice like tiger balm i don't i don't know i was i figured that we would find out but it definitely but it definitely helps jalapeno burn right Right. And Nick is sort of driving at what I was kind of wanting to know is,

did you test this? Oh, no. No. Should you? Yeah, you should. I feel like, I mean. By the time I got it all, by the time I got the milk frozen, I felt fine. Oh, what did you do to soothe the burn?

I waited it out. Oh, you just waited. Yeah. Oh, okay. I like the milk frozen, I felt fine. Oh, what did you do to soothe the burn? I waited it out. Oh, you just waited. Yeah. Oh, okay. I like the idea of this. The pain is over so soon that you don't have time to pour the milk and freeze it. You need to have one of these in your freezer. Oh, I had plenty of time to pour the milk and freeze it.

I just didn't. You have to realize I also had another hour and a half bike ride before I got home to even get to the milk. And I had to conceive of the product. I had to build the structure. I had to find tape that was waterproof. That was a thing. It took a while. Sounds to me like you have homework this week, Jeff.

Well, you have homework. Let's talk about that. I had homework, yeah. Well, I mean, it's not much to talk about. I mean, it turns out jet skis are expensive. Yes, they are. We do that. Yeah, well, I'm, it's not much to talk about. I mean, it turns out jet skis are expensive. Yes, they are. When we do that. Yeah.

Well, I'm working on it. Can't, you know, it's not an immediate process. I'm working. I'm throwing things out there. I'm trying my best. I've expanded. So I think we need to maybe reevaluate this stunt a little bit and think about where our floor is. Like,

what are we happy with, with a base thing? So I, I kind of want to cover the bases. I haven't, I'm still working. I'll get a response. Eventually I'll figure out.

I didn't know what to put the subject line of the email for this, uh, but I'm covering everything. So we, we got jet skis. I've reached out to a few jet ski places. I also, just to make sure we have something, have a floor, have also reached out to a few electric wheelchair companies.

I figure you guys could scoot on by each other, give a little high five. So we got a ground level. Because they're a lot. I think they're cheaper. They're significantly. You could just take them. And so we at least. An omelet is cheaper.

We don't want one one What do you mean? Well? It sounds to me like you guys really wanted to do this high-five while passing each other I think I would hey I'd love for it to be a jet ski I'd be a big fan of that, but you know sometimes it doesn't work out that way Replace a jet ski with an electric scooter you replace a jet ski with a lame or boat You replace a jet ski with an electric scooter, you replace a jet ski with a lame-er boat! We have a floor, Jeff! The floor is the- I tell you what, the floor is the water's surface. It's gotta be- it's gotta float. Well, you didn't give me that instruction, you just said get a jet ski, and you know, jet skis are expensive.

Get a jet ski is the instruction. No, I thought the real heart and goal of this mission was to have you two high five while going in different directions. Andrew. We could do that on foot. Yeah, but nobody wants to see that on foot. There's a vehicle involved in some way, some form of transportation. And so I just wanted to start on a ground level. If you can float

an electric scooter, I'm all about it. It doesn't have to be a jet ski. As long as it's floats and it's propelled. And in a world where people are shoving milk icicles up their ass, I don't see why I can't get a floating... I don't either. I believe in the ingenuity of Andrew Panton. Okay.

So you want... It has to be on the water, specifically. It can't be on land. It's not just the high fives. Because you brought up being on your bike, Jeff. It's the high fives mixed. It's the high fives mixed. Wait, which stunt are we doing?

Are we doing the one where I'm on my bicycle and we do the high five at the bike and the jet ski cross in the air? I couldn't remember if Eric shit on that or not. I thought we were doing hands on a stick on jet skis. Hands on a stick on a jet ski. Okay, cool. Because I wanted to go more extreme with it,

but I remember Eric being all like, oh, I'm scared of extreme stuff and stuff. So, okay. So yeah, no, then it should probably be two jet skis or maybe two boats of some kind. Okay. Speed boats. Like boats are going to be easy to get.

Okay. No, you know what? I'll go back to the lab. I'll continue with my homework. You have homework too. I'll come back with an update next week. I reached out to a. Okay. You know what? I'll go back to the lab. I'll continue with my homework. You have homework too. I'll come back with an update next week. I reached out to a few places. Didn't even hear back from the wheelchair company.

I don't actually want to put this in my butt. Well, you made it. I thought... I thought doing all the work the other work I did was enough. No. I think just get a fingertip of Tiger Balm around the anus. Dude, I don't want to do that again.

But you made a whole product video. It has to be tested. I made the product video so you can continue to do it. The whole point of the product is so you can do this and then relieve yourself from the side effects of it. What do you mean you don't want to do it again? Do you really want a comment lever to be the first person to stick a milk ice cream on their butt? It has to be you.

I don't like that being out there. I don't think that- I don't think anyone should- Consult a professional. What do you mean? You just made a product! This whole episode was about the product. It's on spec. It hasn't gotten any approval yet. You just said seek a professional.

I wonder what the professional will say. I don't know. They're not going to say yes, Jeff. I do know this. It needs to be open and closed by you, Jeff. We need closure on this. Alright, I'll think about it, I'll think about it.

What do you mean? I'll think about it. The whole point of the product. What are you doing? What are you talking about? What do you mean, what am I talking about? You just pitched. I just listened for 30 minutes.

You talk about how great this product is, and then we ask you to use it, and you're like, I don't want to. Go seek a professional. What are you talking about? What was this episode? Nick said I should be behind a curtain and have Emily

record my reaction. Oh, man. That's like some old Howard Stern shit, Nick. You know what you're doing. Yes, Nick. That's like Scott the Engineer and the porn star. Lexington Steel. It's like Scott, the engineer and the porn star. Lexington Steel. It's not as extreme.

No. I also love the flip of this. Jeff came in so excited to talk about this product and he's now dreading it. You've gone too far. And you're only going about an inch in anyway. Yeah. And you know what? The milk, you can tell. You can pull out. You can see how far you went. It could be like a combine stat i think uh i think we've been going long pretty long i think uh

yeah we're probably at time okay well i don't think that changes anything as far as your homework does does anybody else have anything else they want to cover i talked about magic. Well, um... I'm doing a podcast. What? That's happening. Well, sort of. Not really. So I got somebody... Somebody messaged me

and asked if I could help with a college project thing that they were working on. And I've had this happen a few times. Typically, it's just like they ask some questions and it's like an interview type thing. So...

That's just somebody who wants to talk to you. Well, you know, it's part of an assignment. It's different than just talking to me. And I had somebody ask, and they're like, hey, could you help with this thing? And I said, sure. And then they said, okay, would you do a podcast with me? Which is not what I was expecting.

I thought it would just be a few questions. I said, okay, I could probably do that. What is the podcast on? And then they replied, I've got no idea. What do you think? What do you think we should do? Okay. So if you guys have podcast ideas, I could use this.

I could take this. What? I don't understand. What do you mean? Why are you confused by this? I'm doing one episode of a podcast for a college assignment with this person. I don't know what it should be about. What should the topic be?

I'm telling you it's not going to be about anal icicles or whatever that was. French Revolution. Okay. Spanish-American War. Spanish-American War. And that's why you're going to learn so that you can make an entertaining podcast. Okay. You'll be enriched.

Just make a sports podcast and then everyone will be happy that it's not on this, I guess. I'm not really clear on that. What if I did sports and survivor? Perfect. That's great. That really didn't go anywhere. I feel like it would have been better

if I said nothing. What do you mean? Why did you think it was going to go somewhere? I just, it's, Jeff was like, does anyone have anything? And I was thinking, well, what's happened recently?

And I brought that up and everybody it was like I fucking popped all the balloons in the room and it just went dead my attempt to bring anything beyond what Jeff said was actually a negative result I would have been better off just not

saying a word that I was trying to say something is what I'm saying Eric has your butthole been lately? No. No more butthole. We're done with the buttholes. Andrew is so disappointed that no one wanted to

help him invent a new podcast for someone else. Everybody gave you an idea. What more do you want? You gave me two ideas. What more do you want? You need a producer for you too? You gave me two ideas. You're welcome. Everyone was baffled by the idea.

Went dead silent. Yeah. I'm not disappointed in that it wasn't a fucking great thing, but there was a level of disgust by everybody in this call, and I'm just trying to talk about a thing. I'm not that. I'll be. Andrew, can I dispel something right now?

Absolutely. If you picked up on any kind of impression that I was disgusted with you making a high school project or a college project with some kid, it had zero to do with that and more to do with the fact that I am running through how, in my head, how much I love this, how much do I actually care about this podcast? And can I physically put a fucking milk popsicle up my butthole for a bit or not?

And if not, how do I get out of it? And I realize that I've painted myself into a fucking corner here. And I'm just struggling. Dead eye stare, just thinking about the icicle. I'm just struggling about, I'm thinking about how my joke went wrong and I'm fine. You went very right.

I disagree that it went wrong. You were picking up on something else. Picking up on something else. I can't wait for you to not do this and I'm excited to see what the comment leavers yell at you. I have eat the pencil. Oh, this will be Jeff's pencil. Yeah, what is the combination of words?

I already had that. I had the stupid... I had the goddamn port-a-potty. Put a graphite through the middle of the ice spike, and we're in the same situation. I'm trying to decide if I would trade with Jeff. I don't think I would. I already had the port-a-potty.

I got shit on for the port-a-potty forever. Well, not really, but I feel like... And, and, and, and I had the goddamn dipping sauce controversy. That was largely just a miscommunication. I think we both thought the other person was doing a bit, and we both were confused. I don't think that that was... That was just us were confused. I don't think that that was... That was just us being confused.

Genuinely, I was thinking about it. Jeff, do you think that's the most heated conversation we've had in the entirety of our friendship? You and I? I can't think of any... Yeah, I can't think of a single thing that would come close.

I can't imagine we've ever even come close. Yeah, it's just of all things, the fact that that was our... Just pencil bullshit, you know? Yeah. I can't imagine we've ever even come close. Yeah, it's just of all things. Just pencil bullshit, you know? Yeah. The only time we've ever even come close to heated has been for comedy. Yeah, but I feel like that was not, that was like one that had extended beyond that.

Gavin, on the other hand, I hate that motherfucker half the time I'm around him. Henry, it's okay. Who, me? What? What? What'd you say? I don't think I've ever had an argument with Gavin. Henry's barking at a fucking toy.

Although Gavin doesn't even know I have a fucking cat for 20 years, so I don't know what we'd argue about. I don't think there's any... You never told me. I definitely did. It was in episode three or whatever of the show. You've been told. A cat is like a part of a story that's about you eating shit in a bathroom

isn't the cat's not the bit you pay attention to the whole point i was in the bathroom was the cat it's the center of the story that is true that is true i mentioned coolio three times you're right that was once again that was you know what chef i now apologize to you because that was my icicle thing. I was stunned by the fact that Gavin didn't know Nancy Drew. So I was just lost. I was just in the clouds. This is a scatterbrained podcast.

This should be the last thing you listen to if you've just recovered from a stroke. This is one of the worst podcasts to follow. It's completely incoherent. You know what's interesting about this podcast though that i'll say is that the the waves that we ride and then crest and go on and how they change right like you're right this is a scatterbrained mess of a podcast right now what's confusing to me disparate ideas that i feel like we have like little tendrils of of comedy bits that we could go and then we just die on

the vine because we get distracted by somebody jangling their keys over here and then we go to the other thing uh i feel like that's where we are right now but like previously i was thinking about this i there was a good period of i don't know of this podcast where i no longer trusted either of you to the point where i didn't want to have a conversation with you outside of the podcast because i didn't i couldn't trust the. And I don't feel that way at all right now. And that was, like Eric says, that was like months. I feel like we're totally past that wave of distrust and backstabbing, and now we're all just chasing squirrels.

I mean, Nick says even he was on edge. Is this our paranoia refractory period? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Do I talk about the thing I talked about when Jeff left yesterday? Or last time we did this? Did I bring that up?

No, what was that? There was a thing. There was, you know, maybe a little bit of a scheme of sorts was talked about that was decided not worth doing. You didn't do it? No.

Well, maybe. I don't know. Was that teasing? That was so unconvincing that it didn't bother me in the least, either way. No, that's fine. Also, Eric wants us to plug the scrumping signs are coming soon oh are they out in the story i just did that they're not in the story yet but

by the time this is out hopefully but that's what matters eric no one's gonna be listening to this on the 23rd of September, Eric. Happy birthday, Millie Ramsey, by the way, today. Today my daughter turned 16 years old, sweetie. Millie Ramsey, September 23rd, 2005. The world got better. Also, oh, I know one thing.

The bat knobs are coming out October 1st, right? That's a note I had in my phone. I still don't understand. It still doesn't make sense, but that's fine. The bat knobs are coming out October 1st, right? They are. That's a note I had in my phone. I still don't understand. It still doesn't make sense, but that's fine. The bat knobs, October 1st. Got us no scrumping signs. We saw some pretty sweet Go Go Now shirt designs,

so I guess that'll be a thing at some point in the future as well. Does it matter if it's not out right now? What do you mean, Eric? What are you butthurt about? Oh, if somebody's butthurt, I got a solution. I've been waiting for this moment. Somehow, that podcast was full circle. Amazing. somehow that podcast was full circle amazing

thank you for listening to another episode of face if you enjoyed it consider buying any of the products that we talked about recently that may or may not be in the store today or some for some point in the near or distant future. And if you want to tell a friend to listen to the podcast, we sure would appreciate it. Also, don't forget to check us out on YouTube. We have a YouTube channel and we will put videos up there in addition to the audio podcast, but also videos like the, I don't know,

maybe the promotional video that I just filmed for the Too Spicy Icy or Gavin on a Jet Ski or whatever we come up with next and also don't be afraid to write a review and uh rate us as long as you rate us well if you well you know what i'm not your boss if you want to rate it give us a shitty rating give us a shitty rating it's your opinion right this is america or if the country that you live in i don't know if you can say that in the country you live in if you're're like, well, this is, I don't know, I don't know,

China, I don't know if that means the same thing as it does when we say it here. I'm not sure how communism works, but we would like a positive review or a negative review. How about this?

We'd like an honest review. And we love you. We'll see you next week.