F**kface - Two Tardies Away From Being Late // The Salad Cream Runs Through Your Veins [116]

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about Gavin's potential On Time Intervention, how late before you're absent, beans guys, Geoff's corndog update, the end cap challenge, talking to Cosmic Crisp, Unifarm Fruit Gloves, Floor Cupcake redux, Gavin's red socks Red Sox jinks, F**kface Office Day, knob out knob rot, and wake up fart. Want to contribute to bits? Email what you can do to [e-mail]  Sponsored by Hello Tushy (http://hellotushy.com/face), Better Help (http://betterhelp.com/face), and Backbone (http://playbackbone.com/FACE) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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My name is Jeff Ramsey. With me, as always, Andrew Panton and Gavin Free. Gavin, congratulations. You made it exactly on time. I didn't remember to mute my speaker there. That was quite loud. What do you mean? I didn't hear it. Yeah. Didn't come through at all which is interesting because last week you were late by a couple minutes and then i was tuning in to one of our sister podcasts this week the rooster teeth podcast which is one of the other

ones that you frequent and you were a good i would say nine minutes late to that one and that got me wondering do we need to have some sort of an on-time intervention what is happening in your life that the the thing that like the bedrock that you stake claim to being punctual is is is is no longer attainable for you i could get a car i think that would help quite a lot you think that's what it was when you didn't show up to face but you haven't had a car before. Yeah. I got yelled at last time. I got yelled at by Jeff when I stormed off and

got to the podcast early without saying hello to anyone. I didn't see you yesterday. I didn't make you late to the RT podcast with a hello this week. Coming in hot off another video. There's not enough time. People not showing up on time. Now I'm late. i have been late a

lot i hate being late it seems like a trend yeah i just want to make sure everything's okay personally if you're not like experiencing any trouble or trauma or issues or do you take some time away or no i'm just i mean if you could see me i'm not scrambling around trying to make it on time i'm just stood there waiting for a car to live's life. How late would you have to be before you just didn't show up at all? What's your line? Oh, that's a great question. Um, I don't physically know

how I could be an hour late. Yeah, I think I'm in the same boat. I think I would just come anyway. Really? Yeah. I guess it depends on the thing. If I'm supposed to be there at a certain time,

if I'm 45 minutes late, I'm just not going to show up. I'm just not going to go. Dude, I one time had dinner with previous CEO of the company Ezra years and years ago in San Francisco. And he showed up to dinner that he booked at a sushi restaurant that he wanted to take me to three hours late yeah i've had that same i had that same thing with him you just didn't go you you didn't show up you missed you're three hours late you didn't go he just didn't go and he would keep texting me like i'll be there in 45 minutes i'll be showing up three hours late is the same as showing up the day after like or you got the day wrong like that's how late that is three hours he made a dinner reservation at seven o'clock and we ate dinner at like 9 45

that's ridiculous yeah busy people i guess i don't i feel like y'all though i i think if you're more than 45 minutes late you just you can't make it you just can't show up that late yeah it removes the lateness in my mind. If I never go, then I was never late. Like, is that the point, do you think? Like 44 to 45 minutes is when it crosses over, like the needle passes from late to absent? I think it also depends on if you're in contact with that person.

That's a great point as well. Like, were you texting Ezra when you were... Yeah, he was texting me going, hey, buddy, I'll be there in 45 minutes. We're running a little late. 45 minutes later. He probably took a different meeting after that. He probably wasn't even in San Francisco. He was probably taking a plane to San Francisco.

He's in the wrong state. That was six, seven years ago. It was a while ago. I don't know. It's not nice to be known for being late. I feel like if you're usually on time, then it's... How many more tardies would you have to have before you admit you have a problem?

I think I'm two tardy appearances away from being someone who's late. Now, is this a system that clears? Or is it consecutive? Yeah, it's like when your shield recharges if i go like six months without any lateness i think i could then potentially get three late lates before i'm a late person again but i've used up like i feel like i've used up two two lives recently the problem the problem with that is that's that's absolutely how that works but

the scale is so difficult it's kind kind of like how it's so easy to lose your parents' trust, but so hard to gain it back. It takes so much more work to get it back than the offense. I feel like it's this. You can definitely knock three or four of those, at least three of those tardies off,

but it's an inordinate amount of time. It is. And it takes forever to reverse that. If you become a late guy, it's going to take four years of on time before you can reverse that. As opposed to like missing two things every six months.

You don't get the perception. Once you have that label, you can't shake it. Do you think six months is enough time to recharge the shield of one lateness? Oh, for sure. Yeah, I think so. Without a doubt.

I would say though, if you're just looking at amount of effort and work if you think it's possible that you might be late two more times in the next i don't know three months or so would probably be the window i would consider just changing my personality to a little late guy i think it might be easier than trying to repair the damage to just just go all in and embrace it just become a different person. I just could not double down on that. I just don't have that in me. Because I would be the biggest hypocrite in the world.

I hate it when people are late. I guess, I don't know, it would be a philosophy change, right? You wouldn't be a hypocrite at a certain point. You could have like a coming to lateness moment where you realize, you know what? This is the life I've been missing. Fuck everybody else.

Andrew, your wordsmithing is phenomenal this week. Oh, man. I'm glad you were able to make it on time. Gavin, I'm glad you were here. It was rough. We had a rough start with that. Things kind of collapsed. It was bad pleasantries last time.

I wrote down on my notes to have an on-time intervention with you. But this is not what this was. This is more just like concerned friends giving you a heads up that an intervention could be on the horizon with a few more tardies under your belt. Yeah, I mean, I feel like off a podcast would be a nicer place to do that, but sure. few more tardies under your yeah i mean i feel like off a podcast would be a nicer place to do that but sure dude dude it's impossible to stay off the podcast andrew approached me last week

and said hey man we need to talk and i was like okay and he goes you and i we need a thing we don't have a thing right now it's not basketball season it's not hockey season uh though we have been out of sync on that for a while anyway. It was collecting cards for a while, but then we turned that into content. We built a show around it. We need like a thing that you and I do like to maintain our friendship in the off seasons of basketball since we lost some of the other things that we had. And the second he he presented that to me, all I could think about is what kind of things we could come up with for the show. All I could think about is what kind of things we could come up with for the show. Even today, I was like, I think I'm missing the point of this whole exercise because everything you bring up, I just want to turn into content.

Oh, it's fair. I then tried to make the case of what if we made the fact it isn't content content? What if that's the content? The thing that we were doing, this thing that we don't ever talk about, but we talk about that. We're not talking to two guys. Try not to make content, I guess yeah what a terrible it's just like this all goes to say gap i think it's impossible to have this conversation off the podcast because the podcast is now 23 hours of a day of our lives it's it's a weird thing to try to think of hobbies in that way too i've never really been like i I need to find a thing.

It's always been like I come across something and think that would be great. The best idea I've had so far and just try to think of hobbies to come up with is Jeff and I becoming metal detector guys. Like buying a metal detector, like being the people that walk on a beach, I guess. I don't know. I like the idea yeah that was the problem and it then turned into what if it was like a sport where you have like a field of dirt

and there are bean holes everywhere and you have to try to find the one with the beans like you gotta go find the one with the cast iron yeah exactly it turned into a whole thing oh man very quickly suddenly we're writing content for the show. We are.

Or creating challenges for Survivor. I guess. Well, it's a mix of, like, discovery and competitive eating. Like, imagine if Joey Chestnut had to find the hot dogs in a field. Like, it's a two-layer thing that we're doing here. I don't think competitive eating has ever had competitive searching. He had to have military land navigation skills. He's out there with a compass.

That's where we've been at. It is. It's great. I love it. There could be ones with fake beans. I don't know. We have a lot that we could possibly work with. Jelly beans? Jelly beans would be great dude imagine if you dug up a bean hole and then for dessert you dug up a jelly bean hole i'm imagining it being like a little little bean

container within the bean container like a russian doll type thing it'd just be like a slab of sugar a cylinder it's just melted oh i'd be terrible if you melted a bunch of jelly beans like every flavor into one thing that'd be awful you terrible taste i think so yeah if you if you melted every flavor simultaneously i bet that's terrible i bet it tastes like nothing, but it's just unpleasant. I gotta admit something to you guys. I'm excited. What's your confession? The other night we were cooking

just like, it was one of those nights where nobody got a hold of dinner ahead of time, so it was just sort of like make whatever you can find laying around the house, and Emily found some corndogs in the freezer. State Fair cor around the house. And Emily found some corn dogs in the freezer, State Fair corn dogs. And she fucking, she put them on the air fryer

and she cooked up some corn dogs and they smelled so fucking good. I thought about eating one. You didn't do it though? But I didn't do it. Wow. See, that would have been the perfect corn dog update as opposed to last week when you just brought it up

and nothing happened. Yeah, and then something happened, right? And it was almost like mentioning it last time willed it to happen this time. It was close. I would say I was like 40, 60 on eating it. Yeah, it was... Wow.

Yeah. What could have tilted the scale? What was the ultimate? Honestly, if I hadn't had a microwave pizza to cook. Oh, wow. Or a frozen pizza to cook. I got saved by a pizza. Yeah.

And how long was that in the freezer? Screaming Italian pizza. The corndogs or the pizza? Pizza. Probably three weeks. Okay. Three weeks to a month, I would say. I can't remember when I bought it,

but I bought it not too long ago. Certainly not like three days ago. How does that make you feel, Andrew? That's fine. People can shop how they shop. I just have never considered shopping that way.

I did want to clarify within this episode. I don't want to pivot away, Jeff, if you have more to expand. I got nothing else. I just had another update. We've talked about it for a long time I think I'm gonna do the grocery cap thing next

the end caps the end caps but I had some questions I wanted to clarify before we did this is gonna start I was thinking like maybe Wednesday next week so I'd be a day in when we recorded so it's the end caps is there any other restrictions like i'm assuming i can't

use the back of the store at all you know because there's like the open like deli yeah nothing on the walls nothing on the walls nothing like none of the little island cases that are kind of between the different things purely i mean i feel like if there's an island you could potentially shop off the end of the island. Yeah, yeah. Islands actually seem okay to me if they're in the larger thoroughfare. I would say if you have to go down a lane to get to it, I would think that'd be a no because that would be past the end cap.

See, I feel like you can't traverse past an end cap. So islands are okay as long as I don't hit the middle of whatever the content is of the island. I mean, I would be okay with that. How about you, Gav? Yeah, why don't we just say you plant your feet at the end cap. Whatever you can reach is... No, because he's going to create some sort of a pole arm with a grab on it.

It's got to be from the end cap. Yeah, I can't go into the row at all. It has to be an end cap. Is there any restrictions on how much of an item i could get no i don't i don't think so really so you're gonna have access to a lot of batteries you might as well buy them no i feel like because there's always it's gonna really come down to what's in the freezer end cap i feel like because there's always that kind of like open freezer section area that's end cap i feel like because there's always that kind of like open freezer section area that's end cap i might just like have to buy 20 pizzas that just might be what my life is now how do we feel how do we feel about the uh like the impulse buy section at the checkout are we okay like

where the magazines and the archie comics and point of sale stuff yeah point of sale stuff are we okay i feel like that's got to be fair game. It's not really... No, because they put a bunch of different convenience stuff there. That's going to make it too easy, I think. You think so? But not to survive off of.

It's going to be like fucking Pringles and chocolate bars. I guess it's true. It's like Snickers and gum. You never... If he wants to live off Kinder eggs, he can, I guess. That's a good point.

You never see a bag of rice at the checkout. Nobody is buying real food at the express. It's true. It's mainly gum mints and magazines about what Meghan Markle's been doing. You want to take away my gum, Gavin? You monster. One other point of clarification I think needs to be made here that just popped into my head.

I'm trying to think of ways that Andrew could could flaunt the system i've already uh uh it if you go to an in-cap and there's an out of place item in the in-cap like a bag of flour and you just happen to need flour or whatever i feel like that's off limits it's not from the in-cap it's not of the in-cap it shouldn't be able it shouldn't be accessible as such because then you could have your partner go in and get like a bunch of frozen goods you need or eggs and then place them strategically around

the grocery store for you to find and I just I feel like we gotta head that off now yeah my thinking was that Andrew would befriend the store owner and ask for a custom end cap to be laid out for him he was gonna get milk and bread in the same end. You know, that's just as plausible. Yeah, I appreciate my head was not there, but that is a great, it would be a workaround for sure.

So end caps only, islands are okay within a certain distance. Checkout is okay. And it's one week, right? That's the goal? Survive a week off and cap can i go to the grocery store as much as i want to yeah i think so uh okay i yeah i kind of don't want you to eat 14 pizzas though because i know die well that's i think that's you think that's what's gonna kill him you and i approach that differently i was like i feel like that'd just be kind of a

lame way to do this it'd be almost it'd be lame but also it's terrible he's gonna have access to like cheese it's powdered donuts and gatorade like there's not gonna be a lot of food out there for him he's gonna have access he's gonna have access to ice cream cones but not ice cream and are you gonna is this one store you're gonna end cap? Mom, I think I'm gonna just go to one store. I think that should be part of it I appreciate the rules of this could be ridiculous like you guys can make it so if it's like aisle six I can get up to six items like there are all sorts of restrictions you could do with this thing This seems kind of simple. I'm confident that this will be fine today Yeah, I think we crawl before we walk and then run. We got plenty of life ahead of us

to come up with aisle six stuff. And are you going to be able to document or provide pictures of what you eat each day? Yeah, yeah, I will. That's what I honestly think the funniest photo will be. It will be whatever

my first haul looks like of stuff from the end cap. Can we have, can I get with the social team and have one, at least have a daily update on the face Instagram? Okay, that'd be fantastic.

100%. What if we open it up to, he can also forage. I can like hunt? Or like get berries? Or like go find truffles? Like what do you do? Like walk through the woods

and find mushrooms and shit? No, because he's going to poison himself eating shit that he thinks is food. There's no way. I'm definitely getting a metal detector now. This isn't a season of Alone on Netflix.

I just love the idea of Andrew treating it like he's lost. Like a solo expedition, but he's just in the middle of his own town that he lives in. I'm going to get arrested going into an old backyard of a place I used to live at

that I know has an apple tree. It's going to be bad. You're going to get at that I know has an apple tree. It's gonna be bad. You're gonna get arrested for scrumping, you dirty bastard. Oh my God. Okay, so I think I got it. I don't think I'll salad cream this in any way. It seems very straightforward.

I'm excited to start this process next week. Here's the thing with you, though, about salad creaming. I don't think you intend to salad cream. Oh, very rarely. I think the cream runs through your veins very rare yeah what percentage do you think runs through my veins if i did one of those like ancestry like spit the tube thing what percentage what percent cream am i i'm gonna stay

i think you've got it you got to sit down yes eric says six months of no salad cream. You have to... You're almost halfway there. Here's how you avoid it. You have to sit down with yourself before you present anything or post anything or decide anything.

Just sit down and think, what is Jeff and Gavin after? All right? What do we want from it? What are we trying to see? And just try and provide it. Just try and visualize that and go for that goal.

Okay. I don't think I salad cream this. There is a potential for a salad cream. I sent the Cosmic Chris people. I mean, if it's on an in-cap, absolutely. I sent the Cosmic Chris people. I mean, if it's on an end cap, absolutely. I sent the Cosmic Crisp people a DM the other day because they followed me on Twitter. I was like, hey, type thing.

Reaching out, saying hi. I brought up the podcast that we reviewed, the Cosmic Crisp, and they replied back being like, hey, it's so great. We appreciate the support so much. Could you link us the episode in which you guys talk about this?

Because the team, I'm sure, would love to listen to it. God. So then I was in a real dilemma. I didn't know what to send because I could either... You've done it again, you son of a bitch. You tuxedoed it.

Stop emailing people. You're ruining everything. Stop drawing people's attention to us who we shit on on this podcast well that's the problem let us shit under the radar man yeah

cause I could send the Cosmic Curse review we did but it's almost all of you guys saying this isn't that great this is very average which I don't think is reflective

of the opinions of the show necessarily in our defense well in their defense we would just talk about how it's just an apple yeah an apple is an average yeah so i think as an apple it's good but it is still just a six out of ten fruit so then i sent them i i picked the one i had to go into our catalog and find the episode of where i reviewed the cosmic crisp uh but that is just a general episode which that happens in. I also

gave a review then realized that it was a pink lady and had to do a second review. There's no way to submit them anything that isn't heavily edited. I would send them both

unedited full videos or audios and and then let's just find a new fruit let's get into pears yeah I haven't heard back

might as well just be honest with them about what it is and who we are and then we'll just you know we'll pivot onto another like another

round fruit oranges are popular. Everybody loves an orange. I feel like I rarely see anything about a new orange. A lot of work to get to an orange, too. It is. I hate it. I hate it.

Really? There's nothing I like less than peeling an orange. Yeah, I guess I was going to say peel a banana. I don't want shitty fingers, man. You can't eat orange without having shitty little kids' sticky fingers. Like you're five years old sitting on your grandma's back porch. I hate it. Wait, Eric just said, just bite in.

Are you serious? He's a lunatic. What are you doing? Nobody just bites into an orange. Yeah, I mean, you gotta be the change you want to see in the world. If you don't want sticky fingers, just take a bite and then spit it out and pretend like you're doing a grenade or something. You have to bite

all the way around. You've got to bite all the peel off. Yeah, but I think you could probably peel some with your teeth and kind of work it through and it's not as sticky on your fingies maybe like once you get it started. Get a little bit of that juice out. You know what we need to do? This sounds like a problem for Uniform. Boy, we haven't talked about Uniform in a while.

Uniform, combining the power of one with the fabric of the farm. Uniform. We should invent fruit gloves. What do you mean fruit gloves? You mean gloves? Special gloves. Special gloves for you to use

that enhance the fruit-eating experience. Obviously, they have to do more than just cover your fingers from the stickies. I'm presenting the problem with which we will come up with a solution for. We have to figure out how to enhance these gloves in other ways. We can do that. We can do that. No, I think there's a way we can improve upon the glove. I don't know what it is yet, but now my mind is off to the races,

so I'll get back to you guys in a few days. I assume you'll have something, too, by then. So you're taking gloves, which protect your hands from multiple different things, and you're making a version of gloves specifically for fruit. Yeah, fruit gloves. Hold on, let me write this down on my phone

so I remember to do it. Invent fruit gloves. He's going to look at this in two hours and go, what the fuck is fruit gloves? Why's going to look at this in two hours and go, what the fuck is fruit gloves? Why did I write this down? Well, I wrote invent fruit gloves. So it's a full sentence.

I got it. Huh. I'll be fine. I think you got this. Maybe like padding on the fingertips. A little saucy. Well, there's a lot of. Yeah, there's a lot.

For every fruit. It's like there's a lot of variation, too, on how you retrieve. Well, that's going to be a part of the thing. It's like there's a lot of different fruits, and figure out. As for every fruit, it's like there's a lot of variation, too, on how you retrieve it. Well, that's going to be a part of the thing. It's like there's a lot of different fruits, and I assume different fruits have different needs, you know? So I'll have to spend some time thinking about the particularities of each fruit and how to get the most out of it.

Like, are the needs of a grape the same as the needs of an orange? No. So how does the glove help bring both to their flavor forefront? We'll have to figure that out. It's like when you're buying a cable or something and it tells you what compatible devices it has. I want to buy gloves that say, like, can't be used with cherries. Right, right.

I want to know what the specifics are for these things. These gloves don't support 4K. Right. These are pear and mango gloves. Do not open a banana with these gloves it'll go badly yeah like yeah absolutely we are like rated for different fruits we are one or two ideas away from having a fantastic kickstarter scam of like it can tell the rightness when you touch it get the most fresh fruit oh that's great wi-fi enabled this is great we got a complete scam that we can work love this

yeah are you guys kiwi skin peelers or eaters oh uh neither uh i'm a peeler i guess i'm not crazy about kiwi skin i do peel but only once you peel once yeah like i'll get a spoon and then i will take the top off and then i will just eat the innards without peeling anything else yeah that's how i used to kiwi now i eat a kiwi like an apple and uh it's just the same i thought the hairiness yeah how do you eat an apple uh as eric would peel an orange just bite in like a grenade got it all right kiwis are very throwable they'd make for great grenades if there's gonna be a grenade fruit Got it. All right. Kiwis are very throwable. They'd make for great grenades.

If there's going to be a grenade fruit, I think I'd go kiwi. It's got weight, but it's not too heavy. Pretty small, though. Probably a small explosion. Well, that doesn't necessarily equate, does it? Size of thing to explosion? You think like a smaller thing will have a bigger explosion? Well, I think it could potentially.

I'm just saying that just because it's small doesn't mean the explosion will be big that's true i'm also saying that like i'm basing this off of action movies i've seen so i don't i don't think that that's an accurate representation of what the thing is i think a lot of the time is like the chain reaction explosions is like how many pounds of shit you've put in there i guess you just change what's in there that's true. Very valid point. You know that Chicken Soup for the Soul makes movies? You know what they're doing? Not that we're a movie podcast, but they exist still,

and they make movies. I watched this movie. I know we're not a movie podcast. What did they make? Here, I'll just post a thing. Can you post a link to the movie? Yeah, I'm gonna... Is it like a bunch. Is it like a like a GAC movie or something?

No, I thought it was a joke. So this is a movie I watched earlier this week called Willie's Wonderland with Nicolas Cage. And the premise is like the Five Nights kind of. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a guy going through town. He has to clean an arcade and the machines come to life and he has to kill them. It opened with a

chicken soup for the soul production. I was like, is this a joke? And no, they make movies. What do chicken soup for the soul normally do? They're like self-help books. Yeah, they're like huge. I forgot they existed, but they were massive when I was growing up. Like the 90s was a big thing.

Like the evolution of brands. They make dog food now it's very weird no idea they existed yet no chicken soup for the stomach seems like a no-brainer unifar unifar yeah like actual chicken soup assholes i didn't have another thing happen uh not my, but we've been discovered by a different group. And this is a weird one. It's not. You can't blame.

I know 30% cream is not my fault. So I've talked a lot about my hubby's bagels. We love them. They're great. Great business. Very sweet. I don't think I've ever mentioned on the show that the cupcake place I like, a wee cupcakery, is like a 20 second walk from my hubby's bagels. Oh, do you always kill two birds with one stone?

I will often do both things, but I've just I don't know. It's never really come up in my mind. And so my mom was recently buying something from the cupcake place and she knows the lady that that runs it. And they're still back and forth and the woman said i was so funny i had somebody in here earlier today uh who came here purely just because of a podcast um that that uh they listen to that they really enjoy and my mom was like oh what was the podcast and they're like uh it's uh they didn't want to say the name and then my mom was like did they also mention my hubby's bagels a lot she's yeah they also mentioned that

that they go to my hubby's bagels all the time too so they now know we exist they know faces the thing and she's like yeah i listened to an episode to like to hear the mention of the thing because we've mentioned it before i've never been more terrified because the thing that came to mind immediately for me is when I dropped the cupcake on the floor. Oh, yeah. The cupcake floor saga. And now knowing that, like, she knows who I am

and she knows next time I go in there, there's a possibility that she will know that I ate one of her cupcakes that I dropped on the floor. And that's a level of monster that I don't want to deal with in my personal life in like a real way. So I'm kind of scared to go back in. Yeah, I'm going to agree.

Nick, Nick wrote in the chat. What a ringing endorsement for them though. I completely agree. Incredible. Like so good. You'll eat it off the floor. But then I didn't.

This was, this happened like last week. So I don't know if they just listened to a recent episode or if they somehow found but I don't know how you'd even find that episode because I don't feel like

it's ever been named so I don't know what the details are but there's a possibility that next time I go in she will know that I ate a cupcake off the floor here's what you do you dazzle and distract her before she has an opportunity for it to register. I got an idea for you. You love my hubby's bagels. You love this cupcake store, right? What is a cupcake? A yummy, delicious cylinder. What is a bagel? A circle with a hole in the middle. You convince her that they need to create some sort of a pop-up crossover event like Savage Fendi,

where they make a cupcake that you stick in a bagel, and you call it the bagel cake, and then it'd be all over everywhere. I'm inventing shit left and right today. But you get her so excited about that. That floor-eating cupcake incident will be so far in the rearview mirror, it'll never pop up again.

That's a great point. I've googled f***face cupcake story and I've been taken to a Reddit post that says PSA, don't eat while listening to today's f***face. Oh no. Yeah, that's fair. Which is from, I don't know how to see, April 14th, 2021.

Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty easy to find. That's unfortunate. Jeff, I jeff i like your other people's disgust yeah i was thinking that i might just need to glue another mustache to my face when i go in no i think i think you give them you dangle something in front of them that's more exciting than the embarrassment of the cupcake eating and then you just leapfrog ahead of it okay i'll go with that approach i'll keep you updated this message is brought to you by better help it is so incredibly important to take care of

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Oh, no. Nick found the episode. Face a bunch of toilet stories slash the first face app you would not think a bunch of toilet stories would include an endorsement of cupcakes uh-huh oh no i'm so fucked i can't go back no you might know this is over shit your mom's gonna be doing a lot of shopping for you would you need to change about your appearance until it was like clark kent levels of disguise where it's not ridiculous but people aren't seeing you that's tough because i'm not you know what actually very minimal

as a not pants guy i think i throw a pair of pants on nobody's gonna make it that's a good point as a no pants no hat guy throw a hat on throw some pants there's no way zero percent chance i i saw the best comment uh recently it was talking about your keyboard saga and how it's very strange that you could see a woman pissing from like hundreds of feet away out your window, but you can't see the F row of keys. Very different circumstances. Dude, speaking of comments, can I take a second to mention a Reddit post I saw the other day? And also speaking of endorsements, I think this is an endorsement for the power of Gavin. Did you see the thing posted in the face subreddit by this poor guy?

The username is Bob from Boston. His thread was Gavin's bad luck red socks. And then he wrote in June, the Boston Red Sox were one of the hottest teams in baseball with a record of 20 and six for the month.

You're not a baseball fan, Gavin. That's a very good record. 20 wins, six losses. After Gavin first brought up his sock dilemma on. 20 wins, 6 losses. After Gavin first brought up his sock dilemma on June 29th, the Red Sox have been one of the worst teams in baseball, finishing

July with a record of 8 wins and 19 losses. Coincident? I think Gavin has somehow jinxed the team without even knowing it. This is how real this curse is. You've taken down a 120-year-old baseball

franchise. They haven't been cursed. You know how long it took them to get over their last curse? It took them like 70 years to get past the last curse. Jesus Christ, dude. These socks are going to be powerful. They're going to be a big deal. I was thinking, because we were talking about

doing the thing where I curse 100 pairs of socks or or something and i'll sign a little thing to go with them and i'm thinking of using the red socks that i have in the curse i'm thinking of putting those on my hands yeah i'm waving them over the other socks to spread the curse but i think i have to use the source so eric and i were having a conversation yesterday about this exact thing and we were going to bring it to you we want to do a like a one hour live stream where you curse all the socks live i want people to see and i'm really glad that you brought up wearing the socks on your hands that's exciting because visually for an hour as we slide socks in front of you and you curse them it's gonna going to be really good content.

I think people are like, truly, we're going to see how long it takes for you to curse, I mean, all these socks. I mean, I think it should be taken seriously. I don't think it's going to be very funny watching me do this. It's going to be a real curse. We're going to have some other stuff. We're going to have some other stuff going on. We're going to get a mannequin and we're going to put the tuxedo on the mannequin. Which, by the way, I went into Eric's office today,

and I saw the tuxedo with my own eyes. It exists. Where is this office that Eric has? It's in stage four. And so we're going to put the tuxedo on a dress for him or on a mannequin, and then we're going to take a Polaroid. Every time you curse a pair of socks,

I'm going to take a Polaroid picture of the tuxedo and then give that away with the socks so that everybody gets their own Polaroid picture of the tuxedo. How fucking cool is that? Yeah, I don't see how they relate at all, but that is... It's like a little bonus to throw in. I mean, I'm with Gavin, but I'm also with Jeff. You know what I mean?

Yeah, totally. It's a little... They're all on the same page. they're called a sweetener yeah i like i'm into it i want to share i want to share the tuxedo with people as soon as possible and this is the first way i could think of in the in the merch thread on slack tony posted a like a mock-up of the cursed socks and then maxi from social chimed in and said will you be selling uncursed versions i really want those socks but i'm superstitious so i just said i well i basically i wanted to say no like there's no there's not gonna be any uncursed versions uh but i i promised i would do a very mild curse on hearth yeah can i i guess that's can i ask this Do you think that you using your red socks to curse these other red socks will dissipate the cursed nature of your socks?

Like you're passing smaller curses onto these other socks, and it's like stealing power. So you end up with just socks that you're able to wear by the end. I think this might be a cleanse because it is diluting across all pairs so i'll be using my red socks to decurse well i'll be decursing my red socks onto the red socks right but maybe a side effect of that will that the red socks as a team would get worse hmm i this is an interesting thought i think it's important you do cover your hands because there could be a real battle of the curse. Because you're known as the boy with the golden hands, right? So you need to cover those literal golden hands

with some red socks so that way you're not blessing them. You could be cursing and then blessing depending on how you pass it off. It's important your hands are covered, is all I'm saying. This is so stupid, and I don't know what that's going to look like for an hour. It's like, at best, a 25-second joke.

Dude, dude. We'll do other stuff. We'll do other stuff. We'll make it an event. I'll put together a full show. You can even be off to the side, and we can just cut over to you every once in a while to check in on how Gavin's doing,

kind of thing, if you want. I'm sure we can just cut over to you every once in a while. Oh, that's great. Check in on how Gavin's doing kind of thing if you want, you know. I'm sure we can fill an hour with other stuff. God knows there's a million different dumb things we could do. We should say, I mean, obviously it's all bullshit. It's all a load of shite. But I will genuinely feel bad if someone dies wearing these cursed socks. I don't know what to do about that. It's not real, but we've had instances where predictions

have been made and some weird shit happens and, you know, I've got to be careful. I don't want to kill someone. But how would you know if that happened? Let's just hope that the person that bought them the socks dies in the same accident, so there'll be no way for the information to get back to us. What if them the socks dies in the same accident. So there'll be no way for the information to get back to us.

What if with the socks comes a card that gets stuck in your wallet? So when they find your body, it will just have instructions on like, firstly, check out what colored socks I'm wearing. If I'm wearing these red socks, please call this number just so we can know how dangerous

these socks are. No, I like this because we'll just put a sign behind the tuxedo, and you just keep your Polaroid in your wallet, so that way you have a picture of the tuxedo and also a sign that says, if I'm dead and wearing red socks, here's who, contact Gavin Free. I don't understand why you did this.

Why, what do you mean? Well, because this opened with you being like, oh, I really hope this doesn't happen and I bring up it's an impossibility for you to know and then you're like,

okay, well, let's make it possible. Let's make sure that I do know if it does happen. Well, he likes to solve the problem. Why don't we just say

don't wear them? Don't wear the socks. Well, I think we're doing that regardless. Yeah. Do you think people do you think people would wear them?

Dude. Knowing the risks. risks dude that kid that came to rt monday night on the podcast to eat frozen spaghetti is eating that fucking spaghetti and that spaghetti is like a year and a half old and has been frozen and unfrozen like nine times so yeah i think people will wear the socks if anything i assume you got some red spaghetti sauce in that mix it's the power of red it would if anything enhance the flavor i would assume why don't we have any current comment leavers uh just let us know whether you'd be buying these socks to own or to wear or both there you go hey gab i

had an idea i wanted to i wanted to run by you uh i mean andrew it applies to you as well we'd have to figure out how to work it in but you know how you were talking the other day about when we filmed sbi um we were talking about how much fun it was for you and i to be in an office together again and uh how creatively uh inspiring it was and i was thinking what if we had you know because we're both busy boys and there's not a lot we have a lot going on there's not a lot of free time what if we tried to earmark one day a month that it was office day and we go and we spend the whole day in an office together maybe with eric too uh if he's got time and then we can always pip in andrew somehow and we just have to from like nine to five we're required to be at work together in an office and only focusing on

face oh i'd love that one day whatever happens happens one day a month i mean maybe we could expand we could expand we could expand if it's successful and we get good stuff out of it and we don't hate each other but like one day a month we just for nine hours we go and we just walk and talk and speak face and whatever comes out of that day comes out of that day let me propose this because I don't know what everyone's schedule is like but what if we do like a second thursday of every month thursday's already our episode recording day so why don't we just build that in and we do like a second or a third thursday of every month and that's just like the day and that's we got we got i think it's dangerous to do on a day that we're recording yeah i never would like that because it's technically pleasantries

for the thing any more plus we i don't want to i don't want to see him when we record, so I'd have to go home. I like that. Okay, are we doing it on a Friday, then? Is that... I could do Friday. I could do Friday. Andrew? I don't care. Yeah, it doesn't matter to me. I don't care. What's the best day for you, Eric? Thursday, but I can

make Fridays work. What about you, Nick? What's your best day? Okay, we can make Friday. Like, what if we do, like, every, like, third Friday every month, and it's like, like, so this month it would be the 19th if we were to actually do it, which I don't think we can this month, but, like, we could make that work. I fucking love that.

I think this is awesome. I think face will benefit. Hopefully. work i fucking love that i think this is awesome i think face will benefit hopefully we could just do stuff that yeah like instead of having to try to like schedule an mvp2 like we could just know like oh we got friday yeah right right we're like oh we gotta hit some we gotta hit some baseballs gotta bury beans like yeah absolutely this will get off the weekends yes big time and and i I really like this idea. I think building a day in where we can all be together and do that is a lot of fun too

because we can grab the other pieces that we need and just sort of like tell everyone to fuck off. We have this thing. And also Friday works because no one's working on Friday anyway. It's fine. That's true. That's true. And you can hardly call what we're about to do work

so it fits slots in perfectly on a friday very true speaking of which we we should really i know we're we just talked about scheduling a whole day but uh we should probably try to figure out that mvp thing soon too because we're starting to stack up okay what are you doing okay what are you doing on the 12th uh let me see hold on let me look at my calendar uh yeah man i are you doing on the 12th? Let me see. Hold on. Let me look at my calendar. Yeah, man. I think I can do the 12th. I could also do anytime tomorrow or this weekend.

I don't want to do it on the weekend. I know. I have to get stuff off the weekends. I don't want to do anything on a Saturday or Sunday. You have a life?

Yeah. The 12th. I have things to do. Stuff, other stuff. I'm good for the 12th. All right. MVP 2 on the 12th. I'm excited. Hang on Stuff, other stuff. I'm good for the 12th. MVP 2 on the 12th. I'm excited. Hang on. Hang on. No one's...

You are moving forward. You are moving forward. You're right. I got excited. Gavin? 12th. Oh, look at that. That day is open. Perfect. Perfect.

My calendar hadn't loaded. Hold on. No! Look at that. Look at that. That day is open. Okay. Perfect. Okay. Oh, no, no. My calendar hadn't loaded. Hold on. No! No, it's open. It's open. It's open.

A couple of calls, I can move. Okay. What time works best? Like, do we want to make this like a midday thing or like a morning thing? Like, what works best for you guys? I just want the tech to be figured out. I wouldn't mind. What if we started our day with it? We had a morning monkey movie and we ate breakfast while we watched it.

So what time is that? Because it's two hours difference for where Andrew is. Let's say 11 a.m. our time, 9 a.m. Andrew's time. Monkey mornings. Yeah, monkey morning movie. Fantastic. Okay. I can't imagine watching that movie at 9am

I'm ready to watch it anytime we could start now I'd be happy 5am any hour is an appropriate time to watch MVP 2 I need to record the setup thing then right because I you wanted me to do a recap of the first movie to fill

you in on the lore going into the second one. I wanted to edit. I got to do that. I'll record that. That's good. Jeff has a, looks like a meeting at 11 a.m., but I put it there anyway, so that's good. What the fuck?

What is my meeting at 11 a.m.? Did we just go through this? Yeah, no, we did. No, hey, yeah, Gavin, yes. Yeah, Gavin, yes, we did. Oh, hey, yeah, Gavin, yes. Yeah, Gavin, yes, we did. Oh, yeah, because I haven't accepted that meeting yet. It hasn't been accepted, so I haven't said yes to it, so I can say no to it.

Yeah, done. You're not going to say no. You're going to say maybe to it. No, I just said yes to the monkey thing. Okay. Yeah, it's way more important. Did we talk about how you said the wrong year last week? Yeah, I should have said year

three but it was i said year two but it was have you been saying year three or did you know no i just fucked up in that moment they got me flustered and i got all fucked up uh hey gav when we were when we were in that office together during the sbi i told you a story that i had neglected to tell on the podcast because i thought it was too gross. And you told me you didn't think it was too gross and that I should tell that story. Oh, God. I think it's grosser than Andrew eating a bathroom floor cupcake.

That was a low, though. That was a low? That was a low. Well, this is a low for me, too. The reason I ask is because I have an update to that story. I'm wondering if I should tell it or not. A while back, this summer, before SBI, we were filming. I don't remember.

I think it was in June. I was doing a lot of swimming. This is personally embarrassing. And I don't know why, because it's totally fine. But I was doing a lot of swimming. why because it's totally fine but uh i was doing a lot of swimming and uh i started to get like a like some dry scratchy skin on my thigh like right next to my balls and i thought it was just uh i thought like maybe i'm using the blow dryer too much when i get out of the dryer or something i don't know what it is but uh it just started to get like more and more irritated and then one morning i looked i woke up and it had spread and it was

like all down my thigh and it was like kind of up on the front above like my dick shelf kind of area and uh and it was getting like really painful to touch and i was like what the fuck and so i was embarrassed and i showed emily and she was like oh you probably got like jock itch or something and i was like i can't have that i've never had that in my entire life even in five years in the army i never got jock itch that's disgusting uh how does one even get that what is jock itch and uh also yes i'm no jock i mean yeah i can swing a baseball but baseball bat but uh and so i thought well i i spent a couple days just putting like lotrimine on it and it kept getting worse to the point where i couldn't i it was painful to wear clothes and so i went to my doctor and i had to show my doctor my business and he was like whoa you've got some

you got a hell of a case of jock itch buddy and i was like i've never had that before and he was like well if he is like it happens a lot more often than you think it's a normal thing it's uh he goes if you're if you're if you're outside a lot when it's hot'd think. It's a normal thing. It's, he goes, if you're outside a lot when it's hot, you're sweating, you know, stuff gets a little musty. It's very easy for it to grow there.

Do you swim a lot? And I was like, I swim all the time. I'm jet skiing all the time. I'm in pools, Barton Springs all the time. He's like, you got it.

You got it from that. Just like, like a fungal thing. Yeah, I guess it's like a fungal thing. It's like athlete's cock. It's like, it's the same thing

as athlete's foot just on your, just another area. I think it's like the exactgal thing it's like athlete's cock it's like it's the same thing as athlete's foot just on your uh just another area i think it's like the exact same fungus oh man and so he was like you know what you do is he's like just bring an extra pair of shorts and just change out of the wet ones into dry ones whenever you get out of the water and then he gave me some prescription medicine that i had to put on it i was lucky and that my daughter was out of town for like 10 straight days because it got so inflamed that it was so bad that for nine days I didn't wear shorts or

underwear or pants. I walked around I Andrew Panton did. I Donald Ducked it just in a t-shirt. I wore a t-shirt and socks only. I didn't leave the house for nine days as I beat down this horrible jock itch and I bring it up. I brought it up to only. I didn't leave the house for nine days as I beat down this horrible jock itch.

And I bring it up. I brought it up to Gavin. I was like, I think this is probably too close, too gross to tell. But I did record three episodes of F*** Face during it. Like, completely naked, sitting in the chair, like, with a jock itch medicine cream all over my legs, just in agony.

I was, we recorded an episode one week and then we recorded a twofer the next week and uh the entire time i was just like flaming hot jockish just in agonizing pain anyway and then eventually they said it would go away it went away and uh and when i got the prescription from the that That's the worst Cheetos flavor Nick said. Flamin' Hot Jocket. When I got the prescription from the pharmacy, the pharmacist goes, you're going to need more than this.

And I go, what do you mean? He goes, they didn't prescribe you enough. This stuff is persistent. And I was like, okay, pharmacist, whatever. The doctor fucking told me this would be enough. And I bring that up because, you know, this all got beaten back in like, by mid-July it was gone.

I was totally fine. And guess who woke up with jock itch this morning? Oh no. It's back and it's actually here than ever. So the trilogy of face episodes where you've got knob out, knob rot is now a quadrilogy. There's now a fourth episode

is your cock out right now no no I'm wearing shorts it's not like so bad I can't wear clothes but I already had to call in the prescription as soon as we're done here I gotta go to CVS and get more jock itch stuff I can't fucking believe it and I'm gonna tell the story because A Gavin

said that it's not too gross to tell and B because I want to raise awareness for jock itch. It's a terrible tragedy that befalls upon people all over the world. And it doesn't mean that they're grossy gross people. It may just mean that they like to swim a lot and it's 110 degrees in Texas all the time. So stop jock itch shaming. Who is shaming? I've never even heard of it.

No, it's a thing it I'm aware of it it sucks so bad knob out knob rot this is stuck in my head it's got knob rot no my knob is fine it's not on my knob it's just on my thighs and the area around the knob

the worst iteration of fraggle rock knob rot the worst part about this is is that i got the jock itch three weeks before my vasectomy and so it cleared up like it cleared up i was sweating it because i didn't want to like not be able to get my vasectomy so it cleared up like the week of the vasectomy and then i got my vasectomy so i basically haven't been able to sexually use my stuff in like oh it was like over a month because i had like jock itch right into vasectomy recovery and then now that i'm finally feeling better you know i'm two and a

half weeks past the vasectomy the jock it's just like like hello hello i Hello, Jeff Spice? I'm back! The second it clears up, they're straight in there with a scalpel. I'm gonna have three months of an unusable crotch. It just sucks. Just fucking sucks. How do I

avoid it? I'm worried about this. I don't know, dude. I don't know. Use gold bond powder, right? Like powdering balls all the time, I guess. Talcum powder. Although, doesn't that give you cancer or some shit? Oh, does it? Yeah, I think so.

I think there's like... What doesn't... Does gold... What gives you cancer? Talcum powder and cancer. Yeah. See, it's rough. talcum powder and cancer yeah see it's rough feels like a thing you'd have to pull out of the operation guy it's the knob rot section

we can make a face operation at his bad ankle you gotta reconnect and his tendon in his ankle oh man big long back oh right oh yeah the mouth is just like you go near the face and the mouth just lights up i mean we all everyone here has lower body problems gavin's got cursed socks i got unusable ankles you got the crotch crotch rot yeah i don't know how you expect are you going to be able to do this end cap challenge with yeah absolutely no i'm good i'm all good now and the marathon that is like a distant thought i'm just we gotta as jeff said crawl before we run right but that was our point when you brought it up in the first

place you were so far from the marathon when it came out of your mouth. It was, yeah, you're right. That was a burger confidence smoke. Remove a shampoo bottle from the butt. Open up Gavin's airway so he doesn't fart to death in his sleep. I like the idea of having to remove the shampoo bottle from the butt, but every game ships without that piece. Like it was never in the butt. It's just an empty slot.

Oh my god. You fix your farting, Gavin? You still have fart problems? The CPAP is unplugged in a corner still. I can't bring myself to... I want to wait until I've had some decent sleep before I start ruining my sleep. That's my plan. How are you ever going to get decent sleep unless you figure out this CPAP problem?

It is a double-edged sword. That's a good point. Didn't you start the CPAP because you should get a good night's sleep? Yeah, that is very cyclical. Yep. Good app. You ever wake your... Oh, we're going to end.

Never mind. Never mind. I said good app. That wasn't my story. Yeah, wrap up. Yeah, we're done. You got moremind But I said good app That wasn't my story Yeah yeah yeah Wrap up Yeah We're done

You got most stuff That was That was a small thing But it's fine We should wrap up This is a good episode I feel like you just Destroyed the end of the poker

We haven't quite hit an hour Why don't you redeem it With your small thing No it's just a small I was gonna Cause we brought it before Jeff you woke up On shitting

And I was like Ah that's a terrible way To come out of a sleep Have you ever woken yourself up From farting In relation to what Gavin said. Oh yeah. I don't think I've,

I've ever had it happen until like last week. I woke my, I startled myself because I fart. It was a massive, it wasn't a lot. It was just powerful. I think it was the most powerful fart I've ever had. Powerful how?

Like it, if it wasn't loud, how was it powerful? Like you moved the other way? Yeah, no, like the sheet moved. If there was a baseball between my legs,

that ball would have went 80. We would have hit Jeff's goal. It was powerful. How far would a shampoo bottle have gone? Oh, a different country. Easily. It would have went north all the way to Texas. Hands down.

Easily. So it was like a lot of pressure. It was more like a basey fart than a loud fart. We're at the point now where we can communicate almost entirely in bass references. It's a language. It was just startling. So I was curious if you guys have had it happen to you.

It was an alarming thing. I was in a great sleep and then all of a sudden my ass essentially exploded. No, I think I've woken up with the full feeling of needing to, but I don't think I've actually woken myself up with one. Yeah, I was curious because I knew you had the CPAP problems and then you were bloated.

I was curious if it ever happened, if that's how you woke up. That'd be fucking awesome. Wild time. Especially if it was like one of those 45 second CPAP farts. Like you wake up in the fart and then you're still farting and then in the fart and then you're still farting and then you fully come to and you're still farting.

You can just hear him going further away because it's so constant. Slowly, slowly going. Oh, well, you've done it again, audience. You made it to the end of an episode of the F*** Face podcast. Good on you. You're a patient human being. Thanks for listening.

Maybe you liked it. I sure hope you did. If you did, I'll assume you're telling everybody you've ever met. Literally every single human being you come in contact with on the planet Earth, you probably are mentioning F*** Face 2, and I appreciate that to you, and I'd like to say, hey, that's the bare minimum you could be doing to

promote this show. You could try a little harder. Nah, I'm just kidding. Don't tell anybody about it. It doesn't matter either way. We'll listen to you next time. How does it not matter either way? Well, I just felt like I was coming on too strong. So then I try to walk it back a bit.

I really do want them to tell every single human being on earth. There are seven and a half billion people on this planet and most of them don't listen to our podcast. And I think there's an eye of issues, but I don't want to put the onus too much on the audience because then they're going to feel like I'm asking too much of them and I don't want to do that. So, so I tried to like, I realized that I thought I overstepped. So then I tried to come back.

You're good. We can end this. This is perfect. Gavin, don't unravel us. Okay. Bye. You're unraveling it. What do you mean I unraveled it?

It was going great. We had a great ending. Is it over now? Goodbye. Stop talking. Goodbye. You did that, Gavin. That's your fault.

That was Gavin. That was Gavin. That was me. Hey, guys. Major League Fan Jack here with a look at next week's episode of F*** Face. It's the Halo episode of F*** Face. Let's talk about Tyson. Gavin thought Billy Zane was in the mummy. Star wipes are the best.

Who forgot to roll audio? The Halo challenge has been completed. And once again, Andrew does not eat the pencil. All that and more on next week's episode of F*** Face.