F**kface - We Rule the Domain of Zim // The Sap Trap [38]

Episode Date: February 19, 2021

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about Geoff's dog finding a squeaky toy, then a fire alarm going off in Andrew's apartment, then a fire truck driving outside and Andrew thinking his apartment is on fire, shouting Zimmer from the rooftops, and more. Sponsored by Hello Tushy (http://hellotushy.com/face) and The Jordan Harbinger Show (http://jordanharbinger.com/subscribe). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Dragon's Dogma 2, the highly anticipated successor to the cult classic Dragon's Dogma, is out now on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series S and X, and Steam. Dragon's Dogma 2 is a third-person action RPG boasting a richly detailed and deeply explorable fantasy world created using Capcom's RE Engine's immersive physics, groundbreaking character AI systems, and cutting-edge graphics. Dive into the vast and dynamic world where The Arisen is called upon to fulfill a forgotten destiny across the nations of Vermont, the Kingdom of Humanity, and Batal, the nation of Beastrin.

Dragon's Dogma 2 revolves entirely around choice. Your choice, that is. From the sword and shield-wielding fighter to fighter to the illusion conjuring trickster, there are over 10 unique vocations to choose from that all require experience to unlock new skills. And character customization is out of this world, literally. Oh, and did I mention the combat is really in-depth? It isn't just hacking at a giant's ankle for half an hour while your dodge roll attacks. You can engage enemies from a distance, climb up large foes, stab them in This is a Rooster Teeth production. Alright, and to set us off. You didn't start. Yeah, no, I already started. I already started. To celebrate, you gotta hit

record. You can't start before three, Jeff. I've been recording for, it is three. Are is 30 are we recording one, but if you're saying you started before I got there That's invalid minutes. I got a oh I got a parallel man Andrew I got a Emanuel moody a Parallel uh-huh it looks like It looks like a silver mojo, maybe. I don't know. Out of what number?

Did you start? I don't know. It's not numbered, unfortunately. Yeah, we started. We started the same. Yeah, we did start. Before you were here, Gavin, Jeff got a pack of basketball cards. He didn't know if he should open them on the show or not, so he decided he'd open them and react if he got a card he liked. I guess this was one.

As we're going through. I'll be honest. I'm not a fan of pre-3 o'clock minutes. Not a fan of them. Well, we weren't. What do you mean not a fan of them? We were just hanging out talking. We weren't recording.

We weren't podcasting. So you didn't start. I was recording, but that's because I'm always recording. We weren't recording. I mean, I was recording, but. I didn't consider it to be a part of the show. No. We just't recording. I mean, I was recording, but... I didn't consider it to be a part of the show. No.

We just talked basketball. Yeah, we were talking about how disappointing the Celtics are. I got a fucking gold parallel Derek Favors. Yeah. Gross. Where did it start? When you joined. I don't feel like we can have this talk again.

I feel like we've had this conversation like four times. That's why I think we should hard cut start now. Hello and welcome to the F podcast episode 38 i got a joelle in bead from a second year okay yeah that's nothing just is gonna read every card is what this is gonna read every card i'm just gonna read the ones that are worthless reading so far so far none of them read all of them who are you jeff uh i'm i a guy with a... I'll tell you who I am. I'm a guy. I'm a guy who put the wrong sock on the

right foot this morning and didn't give a shit because I'm still living on cloud nine. I'm a guy who still only has one toilet, but I don't have a hole in my yard anymore. I'm that guy. I'm a guy who's making incremental improvements in his life and is feeling pretty good about it yeah yeah we need to tackle these one at a time we need to so last episode we recorded you revealed your sock thing yeah you're done with

socks you spent 20 minutes talking about how you don't want to think about a sock for the rest of your life you don't care don't give a fuck at all about socks correct the very next day our merch channel on slack said hey remember these two left socks do we still want to make them and you literally spent all of the previous recording saying i don't give a fuck about socks and you replied absolutely he was like a dog that got shown a sock shaped. It's still a good product Dude, I don't give a fuck about the socks Like so I'm confused about these socks Are we selling two left socks or are we selling a left and a right sock that both say left? We're selling a left and a right sock that both say left

Okay, wait What yeah, wait what yeah, we're they're actually there's they're they're left right socks they're not just standard socks that aren't well what fun would that be it's just confused i know that's like that's not even what you're dealing with my life that's not what you're dealing no you just are incapable of wearing socks that's not the same i got an evan 40a prism gross that's not the same problem. I got an Evan Fournier prism. Gross. That's not worth mentioning. Not at all. Nobody's excited about Evan Fournier. I know.

I got an Al Jefferson parallel. God damn, dude. Congratulations. I don't... You're more enthused about these cards than you are the socks. But you want them to be socks. We get to talk like once a week. Sometimes once every two weeks. And you're just like looking

down at your cards. I'm talking. I'm on my last pack. I'm on my last pack. Don't worry. Anyway, I take notes. I got all kinds of stuff I want to talk about this week. Oh, shit. Great. I have a few things too. Should we How do we want to do this?

Do we do the bats immediately? Do we just get that out of the way? Have we discussed on here how I get nervous before these now? Yes. You mentioned it last week, actually. But I think that was not in the recording. You mentioned it before, I think. I think that actually might be.

Okay. I don't know. I can't sleep before these. I don't know what's happened. Thursdays, I'm nervous I love it What is there to be nervous about Jeff is opening card packs

And talking about how he wants socks Andrew's mad that we're selling socks I'm not mad I just thought it was insane That you spent an entire episode Talking about how you don't give a fuck about socks And then one day later you're like make the socks I still want the socks. I feel like I lived with you for how many years?

Five? I don't know. A long time. I don't think you mentioned socks a single time. I didn't. Well, a couple reasons for that. One, I didn't have this problem back then. And two, I hadn't experienced the sock revolution yet.

I don't think i think that was after you moved out i was listening to the the one we did where you had that terrible suggestion and i didn't i didn't realize it at the time we were recording but you jeff you were like all right roadmaster 74 has the ultimate suggestion roadmaster 74 roadmaster 74 i'm going to mention your name a lot anyway what roadmaster four said and then you immediately got his name wrong before doing the suggestion it was unbelievable that a you did that and b neither of us andrew even didn't even register he peppered us with so many that it was tough to keep track of. It was like endless and all kind of blended together.

Ridiculous. It's a great strategy. I might be brilliant. That might have been on purpose. It wasn't. What are we starting with then? Well, I'll tell you this. Yeah, are we doing bat?

Okay, go ahead. I'll tell you this. I could be upset because guess what's fixed? Guess what's fixed guess what's uh okay well you fixed your sock problem yeah yeah i believe your shelves are done the pipes under my house i'll answer for you the pipes under my house are fixed okay i literally i got up one morning and i went outside at like nine in the morning and guys were leaving and it was gone. It was like the hole in my yard had never been there. The five foot tall pile of dirt that was 10, 12 feet long that was wrapped up in fucking like plastic gone. It looks like my fear of them destroying the very fancy yard that we had put in.

Totally. It's like they were never here. Totally, totally gone. It's like it never happened. Engineer came. Inspectors came. Permit guy came. They got it all done. I wasn't even around. It was just gone. Guy says, okay, you're good. Now I just got to put the toilet back together. And I said, okay, cool. He was like, I'll come by on whatever day. So he comes by on whatever day and he does some work behind it. And he goes, okay, I sealed up all the stuff i had to seal up behind it now you just got to get somebody to come in and put the drywall back together and then i can come put your toilet

back together and i went oh right you don't do drywall and he's like nope but i'll come the day after you get the drywall done i go oh okay this is we're in fucking homestretch now called every drywall place in austin can't even get anybody to come out and take a look at it for a week. So now I got a toilet that would work just fine, but he can't put it back together because I got no drywall. So I'm choosing to be happy about it, though. I don't have a very visible hole. There's no giant tunnel, all Hogan's Heroes, under my house anymore.

Still down to one toilet, but you wouldn't know it from the outside. So was it a smaller job than they initially envisioned? Yes. That's good. Yes. Oh, that's great. It was a lot of good news under that house. A lot of good news.

Turns out the kitchen pipes that they were worried about needing to replace because they're cast iron, somebody already took care of it about 10 years ago or a few years ago. They put a bladder inside of it and then inflated it,

which then extends the life of the pipes for like forever. And so I need to get it sprayed out every 10 years with like a high pressure thing because there's a couple places where water could pool very slowly. But about every i gotta get that done and that's it other than that i'm good wow so this this problem is solved i mean toilet will eventually work

everything's sort of next week somebody will come out and they will look at the drywall and they'll make an estimation and then they'll probably tell me it'll be a week or so before they can get a crew out here. And then they'll come out and then they'll drywall. And then the guy will come out and put the toilet back in. So at the end of the day, I'll probably still be down a toilet

for a good two months, you know. Oh, I'm five weeks in at this point of being down a toilet. So I don't know why I wouldn't continue. So how many do you have left? How many toilets do I have left? Yeah, just one. I'm a two toilet house.

Okay. So everyone's sharing the same bog? Everybody's sharing the bathroom in my bedroom. So like... Well, I guess Emily's shitting in the yard. She doesn't use toilets. Yeah. Well, Emily shits in the yard,

but like it's annoying for Millie because it's like if she has to go to the bathroom at one in the morning, she's got to come into my bedroom and go through the bathroom. You know? So I think... Yeah. How often do you get up to pee in the night, she's got to come into my bedroom and go through the bathroom. You know? How often do you get up to pee in the night? Me?

Yeah. Every six minutes. Really? Yeah, at least every... I probably pee 30 to 400 times a night. Do you actually get up every single night to pee? Yeah. It happens at my age. I probably get up, I get up one to

three times a night Is that like a prostate thing? Yeah How about you Gavin? I feel like it's coming in slowly I need to pee like an hour before I wake up every day Yeah, that's how it starts

Okay, yeah, that sucks That's the worst, because then it's like hard to get back to bed it's almost not worth it you have to walk with your eyes closed because i'll look at my calendar and be like ah well i've got to do this in like 90 minutes am i really going to go back to sleep no or am i going to lay here and try to sleep through having to pee and get bad sleep no it's an unwinnable situation yeah i'm sorry to hear that man it's not great so andrew hopefully you don't have those uh mid mid sleep piss problems yet no i had you know i went through it was weird i had like two weeks where i had to wake up consistently at like 3 a.m to pee and then it never happened again i

was really depressed about it i was like i guess this is life now then just went away just chugging too much liquid before bed i guess so yeah I like to drink a lot of water. So maybe I was just pushing it a little too hard at that time. But yeah, it was like a thing where I thought, fuck, this is this life now. I have to get up at 3 a.m.

Yeah, it will be. This is two weeks. Hey, let me let me ask you a question, Gavin, about our friend Andrew, since we're talking about Andrew and this problem. If Andrew came to us and said,

I. I've been having this this problem let's say like it's a year or two down down the road we've forgotten about this conversation we're just just a regular face and he's like i mean yeah i've been having this problem but i came up with a really unique solution for it uh i've been uh i've been having to get up and pee in the middle of the night uh which i don't like to do because i'd have to turn the lights on and then that alerts my neighbors or it sets my smoke alarm off or it trips a breaker and shoots hot dogs across the room. Or for whatever reason,

he doesn't want to get up in the middle of the night, so he's come up with a creative solution. A, if he said, I just wear a diaper to bed every night, and then I don't have to worry about it, would you be surprised? No, not at all. But I think that's too simple for Andrew.

I think Andrew would have a hole at dick height in his mattress. It would, whatever his solution would be, it would involve like levers, I think, right? And rope. But I agree with you. I feel like we could totally see this as a plausible future scenario we'll have to deal with. He hates to travel. He doesn't mind traveling when it comes to like switching countries to take the longest journey in the world he hates traveling between rooms and i i feel like you would have a dick hole at penis height in your mattress which on

your mattress i think is up by the pillows if i remember correctly and you would just have like a tube that goes down to a bucket under the bed. And I think that would be a decent solution for you. I think you'd enjoy that. Why wouldn't I just piss in the bucket? Why am I, why do I have a tube spray? You'll have spray out, dude.

You just turn over on your front and just piss down the hole. You don't have to. Oh, I got the hole in the mattress. Yeah. Oh, I don't see. I think it'd probably be more like I just bought a urinal,

throw it on my, my my night that's the thing would be the route i guess there aren't any rules where you could install a urinal you just need the the plumbing i would tape a funnel to my dick every night and then just have a tube going into the into the actual toilet like just running and then i would like staple it down or whatever. So then, like, you'd piss. It would just eventually work its way into your toilet. And then you'd just get up in the morning, shake a little bit, flush the toilet.

I think that's how it works. I think you'd have the backflip. Yeah. Maybe. You just suck it out like you suck out a fucking gas out of the gas tank. Just, like, siphoning it out the next morning. Siphon it quick before you get the pee in your mouth.

You gotta be like... Does it just go to the toilet? Well, okay. How far is your bed to the toilet how long are we talking for from where i sleep to the end of the toilet comfortably not you wouldn't want it to be taught right uh because you wouldn't want to like roll over in your sleep and rip the whole thing down or the dog walks around trips on it yeah yeah like like like arrow arrow somehow has this ability to unplug my laptop within four seconds of me turning it on no matter where she is even if she's a fucking sleep uh i would say probably 30 feet 35 feet 30 feet really far are you fucking crazy you have a third you're going 30 foot tube you think this would work i i don't

know why why wouldn't it work i'm not sure i could there's no way with that with a 30 foot tube that'd be like several pisses for me i think well yeah you'd have you'd have some room in the chamber in case you had a particularly wet sleep i really like the idea of uh urinal on the wall right next to the bed so you just have to tilt and aim and arc it into the I think that's brilliant why don't people do that because you're gonna get spray everywhere you're gonna have like a little

you're gonna have like a little dried up little yellow piss dots everywhere it's gross yeah but I mean you gotta have some risk there's no fun without a little risk that is fair there does need to be risk. Anyway, Andrew, I'm looking forward to you

aging because I'm excited to see the dumb shit you do to confront it. Oh, the dog found his squeaky toy. Excellent. I hope you guys are ready. Buckle in for the next 30 seconds to four hours.

Depending on how... So do you think you would lean towards a urinal in the room, a piss hole in the mattress, or some sort of levers and pulley system a la Wallace and Gromit that tilts you up in the air and forwards into a toilet that's at the foot of the bed. Oh, that's a tough

call. I definitely wouldn't go diaper. Diaper just seems terrible. No interest in that. I would probably end up with some Rube Goldberg type device, I imagine. I think it would be the pulleys and lovers would be my whole I would think you'd, going off of history I would think you'd

I would think you'd need to overcomplicate it. Why don't I, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna go, uh, I'm gonna go take care of the situation. I'll be right back. You guys continue to talk.

Sure. Do you have any new bedroom innovations, Andrew? No, I don't have any new bedroom innovations. I will say, I think the bathtub being restricted to just the bathroom is like completely ridiculous. I think there should be more rooms with

more tubs i feel like uh in like super old school rich mansions there's always a bath in the bedroom there is yeah yeah i feel like those need to exist more that'd be my that's not really a personal bathroom innovation i just think that the bath there should be more bathtubs. I think there should be a bathtub that's bigger, wider than the bed, and the bed hangs above it. And then you could just lean down and just piss into the bath below your bed.

Why would you want to piss in your own bathtub? That's gross. You gotta clean that shit up. What if the bathtub has a flush like a toilet? It's like an all-in-one thing for liquid. You're now taking baths in a giant toilet, is what you're saying. Well, you don't shit in it. Why is the bed suspended? Oh, pee only

in this toilet tub. Yeah. Look, we've been stuck with bog tech for years. Decades of no innovation. Since the bidet, I don't think there's been any revolutionary toilet increases in technology squatty potty people learn to put their feet up no that's just getting back to what they

used to do when people used to squat and shit in holes that's that's a regression sometimes you gotta go backwards to go forward i think i'd definitely make a device for sure that'd be overly complicated like there was a time when I was super into the first destiny they did this event for it was like a valentine's day you had to play doubles and you had a random chance of getting a certain type of ghost and I was trying to collect everything in that game and I played like 80 or 90 games and that ghost would not drop so uh i i came up with this whole plan with a friend where we got i got a bunch of rope and i got two bedroom fans and i taped my controller to like an end table and then i taped i reformed so on the xbox you can reconfigure your controller so i made my left bumper be the jump and then i rubber banded

my left analog stick so i was always running forward and then i set one fan up so that it would rotate left and right and it had a pen attached to it and the pen would hit the bumper so i jumped and then i taped the right trigger down and there's a gun in that game that had infinite ammo but it would use your health as bullets So I was constantly killing myself and then that would it was based on like is an elimination game So once you died the other team won a point So I was dying as quickly as possible And I had to do all that to beat the afk tracking on the game because I needed like multiple outputs and it worked

My fan played like 300 400 games of destiny i never got the ghost so that means a bunch of people were playing against someone just running in circles shooting all their blood out and dropping dead over and over again yeah they probably never saw me for most of those games i was just immediately dying in the spawn area i ended up statistically in like the top 1% for suicides and destiny. I was like top of the leaderboard. But I did this for several nights and my fan played hundreds of games and I never got the shell. And then I eventually talked to somebody from Bungie and they just admitted it was but I had no chance. Oh, that's that's tragic.

The fans is genius, though. Oh, yeah. I tried to do the same for Sea of Thieves recently, and it did not work. Their AFK was too good, but I had two different fans and like multiple analog sticks being moved. You just have to transpose that to piss and you'll be fine. Yeah, I think I'd find some sort of solution. I haven't looked in piss alternatives, but I'm sure I'd come up. Do you still play Destiny?

No, I haven't. I haven't played that game in a million years. I think since it went free to play honestly yeah, I Just I don't know just sort of the pricing structure around some of the content in that game Kind of tough to follow hey. Oh, what is that? Who's got a fire alarm the fire? That's that's you got some desk dogs go Andrew get out No, it's not saying me. I think like there's a fire in the building? Unplug, unplug my alarm.

No, you should first check to see if there's a real fire and then maybe then unplug. Well, I don't, it's not like none of the alarms in mine that you know what is really funny about that? That means that I literally, that means when i fucked out with the desk dogs that means other people's alarms absolutely not i have a phone call i'll be back this is his life this is it's not a coincidence this is happening while we're filming he just he he's a magnet for this kind of stuff fucking ben so ben ernst is uh he's filling in on this recording because eric couldn't be here and uh i think nick is still dead or something and he just texted in the discord is this normal and uh yeah yeah yeah

yeah so my building might be on fire i I'm not exactly sure, but like, what are the odds that that's actual? I wouldn't give a life on it. I would sniff around maybe. I mean, the odds are pretty good considering the warning that it's on fire is, is been triggered. They're better than if you hadn't heard.

No, that's not true. Cause I, I feel so bad that I triggered the whole building with my desk docs. That's, that's not what happened. Why do you think you wouldn't have triggered the whole building? Why would only one floor burn in a stacked building? No, no, no.

My space isn't actually part. We've been over this. I'm in my own space. I'm not actually part of the building. Oh, right. They don't know where to deliver to. Yeah, they always get lost. I'm imagining imagining for some reason

the most fascinating thing about this podcast is picturing your living conditions i know i'm now imagining that they built like a skyscraper but one of the floors like fell off the side and they were like ah just stick a roof on that that'll be a separate part yeah yeah yeah i uh i i'm right there with you can you look out your window? Do you smell smoke? Is the door hot? I don't smell smoke. Do you smell piss?

The building? No, I don't smell piss. I don't smell much anything, really. Do you have COVID? No, I don't think so. That'd be bad. It's been a weird day to find out. You almost died in a house fire because you couldn't smell the smoke.

Do you think that one of your neighbors was making desk dogs? I don't think. You know what? Honestly, I feel a little bit bad because I set the fire alarm off on Saturday for a second. Oh, what happened this time? I was just trying to make some nice garlic bread. I felt like having a garlic bread night. And I did the risky move.

I was cooking it on parchment paper. And I tried to move it from the middle rack to the top rack, get a little crisp going, a little nice and toasty. And I brushed the paper on the oven and the paper lit on fire and had to get that out. I saved the bread, most important part of the story, but the alarm went off. Are we meant to believe that you cooked garlic bread in an oven in a kitchen? I did. You didn't hook it up to the corig or no no i didn't pull the easy bake out get it going on my bed uh i went to a real oven and uh yeah i

can use i can also use microwaves i'm very advanced did it feel weird to be in a kitchen and not your bedroom kitchen no not at all i mean i cook in the kitchen a decent amount. The whole I never spend time in my kitchen is greatly exaggerated. I just like adding convenience to my space when I can. I don't think that's crazy. Convenience like shimmying into your bed and sleeping next to a keyboard. Well, okay, that was... That was I got a PS2, and it wouldn't connect to any of my monitors, but I have this old 50 inch tv that had

the the red yellow white cables and but i don't have anywhere to put it so i just have a 50 inch tv on my floor and i have to just drag it down the room like a 50 inch between crt screen or like a flat one no no no no no it's like a flat one but it was like kind of a newish like when they were new so it still has those output cables um like composite but yeah yeah exactly but then i also still have the structure for when i used to have to set up a like a pillow for it to record so i still have my cabinet there too so i have to kind of go between the cabinet and the 50 inch whenever i try to get in the bed i need to move one of them god damn it's an obstacle course You need a studio apartment That's what

That's what your life You think so? Is leading towards Yeah One day Maybe that'll be the dream That'll be the peak Just everything in one room

Yeah This is incredible Just yelling in the middle Of his face I imagine I don't think my building's that far Where you've got like Vending machines and a trampoline

And just kitchen equipment All over the place I'd love some vending machines That sounds good How much is a vending machine? You can just buy those right? You can absolutely buy them and I think you should What would you put in yours?

Oh I mean peanut M&M's obviously Yeah It's on the list I think you'd want a variety of bags of chips and M&Ms. I hear sirens now. My building might actually be on fire. Ben's personally right back. I can hear sirens, too.

Hold on. Before you burn up, though, $3,400. That's expensive. But it's probably worth it. It's an entire pantry right there. That's all the food you need. How quickly would you make that back? I guess're getting like wholesale price on the stuff in it and you're selling it to yourself you wouldn't make it back

did we lose andrew did he burn up i think he's burning up man, that's rough. Okay, so it's ad read time. But this one is a little different than the normal one. This is me talking to you about the Jordan Harbinger show. It's a podcast that you really probably should be listening to. And I know that every day somebody tells you that you just have to listen to some podcast, usually mine, and you did a good job because here you are listening to it right now. Thank you. Well, let's pay it forward, right? Let's go check out Jordan Show, which Apple named as one of its best in 2018. Think about that for a second. In 2018, it was one of the best. It's 2021 now. He's had three years to get better. That's scary. That's like when LeBron made his jump. ActuallyBron was always good but there was a jump in there

where he went from leading a team a bad team to the playoffs to becoming maybe some consider the GOAT anyway, Jordan, I think he's had a similar leap in the last three years so maybe check that out it's aimed at making you a better informed

more critical thinker so you can get a sense of how the world actually works, and then you come to your own conclusions about what's happening, even inside your own brain, where they can't get to you. Unless this is 1984, in which case they're listening to you right now. Each episode is a conversation with a different fascinating guest, and when I say there's something for everyone here, I really do mean it. In one episode, Jordan talks to a hostage negotiator from the FBI who offers techniques on how to get people to like and trust you.

That sounds useful. It sounds disturbing. It sounds like something Gus would like. I'm pretty sure he does. Another episode tells the story of a cinematographer who discovered a lost city in the jungle, and he made one of the most important archaeological finds of the century. That's very Drew Saplin. I'm sure he's into that episode. So you can see there's a lot for everybody. So hopefully you can see where I'm going with this. I think Jordan's show has got a pretty broad appeal. He's focused on pulling useful, practical insights out of his guests. And we're not talking about pop psychology, wishy-washy self-help stuff here, you know, stuff like I'm into. This is real substantive, like wisdom that you can use to legitimately change your mind and improve your life from this, like, right away, honestly.

And if that's not worth checking out, I think it is. Let's just say that. I think it's worth checking out. So we really enjoy this show, and we think you probably will, too. So if you get a chance, search for The Jordan Harbinger Show. That's H-A-R-B-I-N-G-E-R, on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts.

The greatest love story ever told should be the one between your butt and your toilet. And if you're not there yet, it's probably because you haven't discovered and fallen in love and pledged your undying allegiance to Hello Tushy. There's nothing more romantic than love's true kiss, a.k.a. Hello Tushy's gentle spray

to clean your little butthole. This Valentine's season, why don't you get a gift for the person you love the most? Your anus. The future of toileting has arrived, and, well, okay, it's been around for a while. We've talked about this. Bidets have existed for centuries in other countries,

but they've been very expensive and very bourgeois and America we're finally catching up and if you're in another country and you're listening to this and you're laughing at us but listen we're getting there as fast as we can and we're going to get there faster because of the Hello Tushy 3.0 modern bidet attachment it's going to level the playing field

it's stylish, it's eco-friendly it's easy to install, it's affordable it's romantic so thanks to Hello Tushy 3.0, you don't just have to clean your butt with boring old sandpaper, toilet paper, blah. You can shoot Cupid's clean water arrows

straight up your anus and freshen your world. Do it. Do it today. Do it for the rump you love to hump. This Valentine's Day, give the gift of Hello Tushy. If not for yourself, give it for your loved one.'ll both appreciate it you'll both love it your buttholes

will thank you go to hellotushy.com slash face to get 10 off plus free shipping this is a special offer for our listeners so go to hellotushy.com slash face for 10 off so where where's Eric today? Why is he missing out on Andrew dying? I think he had a he had a like a appointment with a urologist or like an anal fissure, something like that.

I don't know. I think it was hemorrhoidal, right? Like he has that chronic hemorrhoidal problem. It was nice of him to forward his uh doctor's appointment to you just so you're in on it and then it uh well hippa you know and then it uh i guess it got infected from the duty from the bad duties and then uh yeah and then i think they created some sort of a fissure or uh like staph infection type thing and so he needed to go get that lanced.

I think what they have to do is they have to go in right near his anus where it's almost like a boil and they have to lance it. And they're going to be a lot of pus in there, dude. Oh, gosh. And they squeeze all that out. And then they have this like long, thin string that they have. Because it creates like an abscess inside of his butthole or like next to the butthole, right? It's not in his butthole. It's near his butthole, right? It's not in his butthole.

It's near his butthole. And they have to pack it with gauze. So it's like this long, thin gauze that you stick in there. And then because that's to help it heal naturally and to not get infected. And then they have to pull the gauze out like every 48 hours or so, which is super painful, and then pack it in with new gauze until his butthole,

I guess like the abscess, slowly heals from the inside and pushes the gauze out until he doesn't need it anymore. And then he'll be fine. He'll be back for the next one, though, in 40 minutes. Wait. Wait. Wait a second. Wait, that was about me?

We're talking about me and where I'm at? No, we were talking about somebody else. Oh, okay. That's great. Hey, are great hey are you okay you alive what's going on yeah i mean i smelled a little bit of smoke but i'm sure like it's fine i don't think i don't think it's an issue okay i think i'd smell a lot more smoke is there's the fire alarm still not going off right no it's done the sirens have stopped um yeah the siren stopped so i think i'm good face myself it's about time proofing the uh previous episode that went up where andrew just did a bunch of cyberpunk spoilers and i realized that i'm gonna have to listen to that because no no other bastard gives notes on these if there's like a glaring error i'm gonna have to listen

to the spoiler got it spoiled for me in in post just beat the fucking game real fast i'm on the last mission i've done everything in the game with the exception of one glitched mission so now i have to beat it i got nothing left to do speaking of previous episodes yeah that reminds me thank you gavin because i want i want to clean some stuff up from the last one we recorded um i told a story about how i spent the year 2000 christmas eve watching uh triple x went very into detail about it a fond memory of mine triple x came out in 2002 i was just way off i don't know i don't know how nobody i typically that'd be like a thing eric would notice i feel like i just had the year completely wrong i have no clue how i spent the year 2000.

Wait, so wait, but you said Christmas Eve. So was it New Year's Eve or Christmas Eve? Or New Year's Eve. I just missed it. So you have no idea how you rung in Y2K? No clue at all, but I am so confident in that recording of how I did it. And I've spent my entire life thinking that's how I did it. He had a screener.

Before they shot it. I did. I did it and I've spent my entire life thinking that's how I did it. You had a screener. Before they shot it. I did. I did. I had a two year screener before they shot it. The second thing I wanted to bring up relating to that was I was talking about elevator buttons and my confusion with them. I feel like I did a bad job

explaining it so I wanted to give a visual example of what i was talking about that is what you were talking about yeah but you see how like it goes one three five seven nine on the left side and then two four six eight ten on the right if we're playing a game or just how my brain views this if they say okay you're on the 10th floor go to the floor below you i will click the eighth button but i'll go down to eight i won't go down in the right picture they're flipped so would you think that the fourth floor is two is right below the second floor uh in the flip scenario if i was on the

fourth floor my brain would break they're like go down a floor i'd probably click two and be very confused or i'd click i don't think I've ever seen the flipped scenario where the numbers go down. That's ridiculous. I also don't think you did a poor job explaining this very simple concept at all. Totally got what you were saying. Okay. It's just there have been

a few weeks where I feel like I was very clear and there was a lot of confusion around it. So I just wanted to clear up and give a visual example. Well, speaking of past episodes, I think there are two things we need to deal with that are important house cleaning issues. And I'm afraid if we don't do it right now, we'll pump it to the

next episode, which isn't a big deal for us because that happens in 20 minutes. But for the audience, it'll be another week. We need to pick a fucking baseball card that is going to be the object of our focus. And based on the slack conversation we had earlier and i'm what i'm a little concerned about we also need to address the autographing of the uh insert cards that go with the new black baseball bats we bought

agreed i think we do the baseball card okay do the baseball card first all right i kind of i looked i feel like picking a very specific Zimmer card might be tough. There's not a lot of Zimmer manager cards on the market. I feel like it just needs to specifically be a manager Zimmer card. So you think it could be any manager Zimmer card? Any Zimmer zone manager card I think is acceptable because there's not a lot he has a lot more player cards than he does manager cards from what i can tell he's only got cards 88 89 90 91 and 92 are the player cards of those i thought 90 and 91 were the funniest or 91 and 92 were the funniest but i i if that's the way you want to go

with it uh i that's fine but i will But I will say that takes us from potentially about 3 million available cards to probably more like 12 million. Which maybe that's a good thing. Well, you say that. There's not actually that many available to get. How would we find these cards? They were made. Another thing that's annoying. Well, they're so common that they're going to be in common boxes at card shops.

It's like when you go... I don't know if you've ever done this, if you ever boxes at card shops it's like it's like when you go i don't know if you've ever done this if you ever went to card shops when you're a kid but you go to the card shop or the comic shop and there's like the bargain box that's got like 99 cent cards they're all in there uh but i have also looked it up on ebay and some motherfuckers uh somebody is selling a 1991 tops desert shield don z Zimmer PSA 10 for $900. Are you serious? Most of them are about $1 to $2. Is that the most expensive Zimmer?

Oh, it has to be, dude. It has to be. And that's only because that Desert Shield thing was like a special, super limited thing. If you want to do all the Zimmer cards, just get a Zimmer manager card. I'm okay with that. Gavin, how do you feel? Do you want to go Zimmer? And if so, do you want to do all the zimmer's card just get a zimmer manager card i'm okay with that gavin how do you feel do you want to go zimmer and if so do you want to go all manager cards or just one does it have to be a card can it be a book by every copy of his book

andrew said he wrote a book i thought it was amazing what the hell is that book about i have no clue i couldn't care less this is like that's a great book cover i would is that book about? I have no clue. I couldn't care less. This is like, that's a great book cover. I would buy that book. I'm going to guess it's about baseball. You think so? Why is Don Zimmer? I think, is he a violent guy? I shared that photo of him.

I shared that photo of him just fighting somebody on the field for reasons. I don't know. I'll post it in the discord. Maybe my favorite Don Zimmer photo. It looks like he's just attacking a man. Oh, he's definitely losing because he's fucking 80, but the fact that he's trying to throw hands

with this guy, I love it. Also, his center of gravity, it looks like it should be really good because of his very low-hanging crotch, but his hat is being pushed into his eyes. Where's that from the Red Sox? It looks like he's losing a fight with Ed Helms.

I didn't think about that. It's really embarrassing to have your own hat weaponized against you. It's like when Jackie Chan would pull people's shirts over their heads and then punch them through it. But it's like a baseball manager equivalent. It's like when Jackie Chan would like pull people's shirts over their heads and then punch them through it. But it's like a baseball manager equivalent.

It looks like somebody's beating up Ed Asner. Oh my god. It does! It does! There's no indication that that's Don Zimmer! He can't see shit! And the hand on the back of the head too. It's not even a shove away. It's like he's squeezing his head like an egg.

He's got complete head control. Don Simmers just desperately trying to feel. I wonder if the whole fight was like that or whether that was an unfortunate still picture. I would love to see that entire fight. I think that's probably before things went wrong. The next picture is him just on the ground.

He's like clutching his heart. Oh, is that Pedro Martinez? That is Pedro Martinez. That's great. This is the book cover. Yeah. I just, I don't know, like he's relaxed on.

You're playing baseball. I don't know what we're doing. All right, how about this? I'm gonna go a couple ways with this. Ultimately, yes, I think it could be a book. I think maybe we just say that as of this moment, we rule the domain of Zim, and all things Zim are considered face collectibles.

But there is a little bit of power into specifying, if only for, I realized the thing we could game today that doesn't make, uh, any sense really, but I bet would confuse a community. The, the number one,

like place to go to read about card, uh, baseball card news, basketball card news is a website called cardboard connection. I go there all the time. And, uh, they have a, like a What's Hot section that shows

the top 10 hottest players across sports. Right now, number one is John Morant. Number two is Connor McDavid. Number three is Tom Brady, obviously. And if you click on the real-time hot list to see how they get it, it's sorted by how many people are watching a certain card on ebay like there's three like on baseball the number one hot baseball player on this site is mickey mantel because there's 310 people watching this mickey mantel card that would be that would be a really easy funny thing to game where if suddenly sites like cardboard connection Connection... Everyone's watching the same card. Everybody's watching Don Zimmer's 1991 Topps Manager card,

and nobody knows why. So just something to think about. The problem is that card... Unless we do the Desert Shield, if the card sells, then the listing goes away, right? That'd be my concern. Yeah, but most of the listings are like seven-day listings.

Okay, so we're going for like a very specific moment in time. We have a week of Zimmer taking over. Or we just say, we just declare war on all things non-Zimmer related. And we just say like, if you're a f***face fan, go to the streets, shout Zimmer from the rooftops, f*** zimmer ebay auction talk about zimmer all over the place and just like do a full frontal assault on zimmer across the board and instead of localizing it to one card we just like we just we just awake the zimmer cracking as it were i feel like he would support the largest assault we can. I would also just like to throw into the mix that he wrote a second book

and it's just as good. It's like he's killed somebody and he's telling you not. The Zen of Zim. Baseballs, bean balls, and bosses. Which is a great continuation. And it's like you've witnessed him strangle somebody to death

and he's telling you to not kill him. Is the expression he has in his face forward by lupinella i love it oh so zen is zim also on the thing i think it's a way better book title i don't know what i think the a baseball life is probably the funnier cover but the zen is in baseballs bean balls and bosses it's just fantastic so can we just say all things in then just go with that see where it goes it's pretty broad but i mean from what i can tell there's two books and four baseball cards in circulation so i don't know i think get watching it has to be i i really like your idea yeah maybe watching is better because that's just like a click

yeah right because it would be if we did a book, it would be like people would have to buy the book because it would be funny to try and get it. I think you may be overestimating how many face viewers have an eBay account, though. Maybe. Maybe. That's possible. Because it's not 2003. That's a great point. That's true. It's totally possible. Although

I'm on eBay seven days a week now thanks to... Jeff is buying a towel. Oh yeah. Yeah. I guess I am. Towel. Yeah.

Yep. Yeah. It's a tool of the trade. Gavin, don't ask questions. I'm buying, I bid on a Marcus smart rookie card and you know how they have, we talk Gavin about relic cards.

Well, they have like a little bit of Jersey or a piece of a shoe. Well, this one is just a towel but it's called uh it's called a tool of the game and andrew andrew takes umbrage with the idea that a towel is a tool for a basketball player so it's uh it's a ridiculous very ridiculous they they clearly just wanted to put something in that had no value yeah we'll give you a towel you pose with this towel we'll cut it up it's fucking it's like it's one step up from a

sock and i say that as a man who's had a rich history of sock yeah okay nobody would challenge so so i feel like we're more confused than we were when we started. I do too. We have so many good choices. I just think some Zim baseball cards, if you can collect a Zim, as many as you want. I do think we'll have more success if we pick one. Well, maybe the Instagram. We can pick one and the Instagram will let everyone know. That's a good point. Because by the time this comes out,

any listings from now will be over. So we need to sort of do it at the time this posts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's a good point. Because by the time this comes out, any listings from now will be over. So we need to sort of do it at the time this posts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's a great call. That is a great point. Let's do... So when this comes out, go to F***FacePod on Instagram

and the official Zim card to hunt will be there. How about that? Okay. And then nobody will do it and it'll fall flat on its face. That'd be funny. I'd like 20 cards. And I think the most expensive one under those search terms was like 50 bucks, maybe. I thought about buying every Don Zimmer card just to hoard the supplies before we even started.

Didn't do it, but I considered it. I thought about it. You're not the only one that considered it. Trust me. You're also looking to buy just to own the market? I'm in the market, yeah. I'm in the market for some... I'm gonna do...

This is gonna be the next GameStop play right here. It's going to be Dalton Summer Cards. Yeah, exactly. I want it to own all the shares as in before it became... Other thing we got to do is we got to... So we're getting 300... I thought it was 400, but it's 300 Andrew bats made. Black bats.

Yeah, but there are 400 cards, though. I don't think the bats necessarily matter. I think we do all the cards. We do all the cards. So some people... I think so. But the i don't think the bats necessarily matter i think we do all we do all the cards so some people i think so but the cards are paired with the bats i see okay okay it's just it's an annoyance thing yeah okay so we get 400 cards made i last time signed 50 cards and then i hand burned 50 bats i'm obviously not to ever do that again. Or at least not today. But we do need to have somebody sign those cards. Mallory wants to know how to split it up.

Andrew had an idea. Would you like to present us with your idea, Andrew? I feel like the best, if we're going to distribute it, we should do it in a content way. So I thought it could be fun. And I haven't even told you guys about this. I had this idea later.

We would do a vote. Because voting is really really popular right now that episode just aired with the vote I was surprised how many people think I was solely the blame. I think that's a ridiculous thing, but voting is really big right now So I figured we could all vote the three of us could vote and we'll distribute it in 399 and one so whoever has the majority vote for this will have to sign 300 of those fucking so so the next two will move on to a pick a number game that's that's interesting so you're creating a scarcity you're essentially creating a parallel model here where somebody will sign 300 of the base card and then somebody will sign 99 of the sp card or the the the rare print card and the short print card and then somebody else will sign one ssp card or super short print

card okay i love this idea exactly it's a great thing to bring up yeah i that was a something i forgot to even mention there's sort of that natural you know limited quality to cards when you have a variant so it creates that on top of we get the screws. So how do we vote? It'll be fine. So that's what I was thinking. Initially I was going to say that we submit. Eric is now here. I didn't expect Eric to be here. He said he was going to miss this. Back from the doctor. So I was going to say Hey, how's

Eric, real fast. How's the How's the issue that Gavin was describing to us that you got checked out? So it's been I guess you could say it's been worse, but now the doctor helped make it better, but it's not all the way done. He repacked the gauze.

See, that's what I was telling you about, Gavin. You have to pack the abscess with gauze to keep it from festering on the inside. I love, by the way, how you just continue to roll with that, Eric, even though Jeff addressed you by his dog's name. I did. I said arrow, but I meant Eric. Yeah. Yeah, no, I got it.

It's just like, I don't know how your brain works. I assume that's the, like, the synapse fired and got close enough. Close enough. Close enough. You're right. That's 100% correct. It's all about intent. So we're voting here?

Is that what... So yeah, so this is what I think we could do. This is what I think makes the most sense. We'll go Jeff, Gavin, then myself. Jeff and I will go. We will deafen ourselves. Gavin, you make your vote. You say you vote.

But what am I actually voting for? In the general. Who will vote, or who will have to sign 300 of the cards that's right phase one is this so jeff and i will deafen ourselves so we can hear you say who you're voting for then you just post in general that you voted then you deafen yourself jeff you undefin yourself you say your vote and then i'll do the same and we'll just go through and then eric can tell us what the votes were because we all right so i'm gonna take

my i'm gonna take like my headphones off right now then and when Gavin makes a... Why would you take... There's a button you can click. Deafen in Discord and then I can see that you've done it. Okay. Jesus. Yeah.

Yeah, okay, so I'm going to deafen. I vote Jeff. Okay. Okay. Okay, so Gavin has voted. Okay. And now Gavin, you deafen. And now it's my turn to vote yeah go

ahead and vote okay i vote for gavin okay and you can deafen now jeff okay andrew who do you vote for okay well here's the thing i orchestrated all this i made a private text deal with both jeff and gavin to vote for the other guy the thing is since i organized all of this the most obvious face thing to do would be they both vote me because then i just fuck myself and created this whole situation where i now have to do the most work so it really becomes a question to me assuming they both are going with the deals we made of who do i want to go in the next round against and i'm gonna have to say jeff because the man can't even put on socks. He's incapable of cutting his nails. So assuming this doesn't... My vote

is for Jeff. You're voting for Jeff. Yeah, but I see no way in which they don't just ignore the deal we made and vote for me. Okay, so your vote is for Jeff. No, my vote is for Gavin. Sorry. Vote is for Gavin. Now your vote is for... So when I asked you three

times if your vote was for Jeff, and you said yes every time, what you meant is that that was not your vote. I wanted... No, vote is for Gavin. I want to take Jeff with me to the next round, assuming that they didn't go against our plan. Okay, so your vote is for Gavin.

My vote is for Gavin, yes. Okay, you're locked in. I've let them know to undefin. I'm undefin. That took so fucking long. And then when I asked him three times, is this who you're voting for? He told me yes over and over.

And then I said, are you sure? And kept going. And then he went, wait, hang on. And then he changed. What? All right. Hold on. Before we get any further in this.

So we've all voted for round one. This is for the sap sucker idiot who's going to have to sign their name 300 times, right? Yes. I also noticed we're at 53 minutes. Don't you think this would be a great place to end the episode? Oh, cliffhanger? Cliffhanger?

Wow! Have we ever done it? We've never done it! What an unsatisfying ending. Yeah, I feel we have to reveal this vote. I think we will reveal this vote next week. I don't know.

Here's the thing, Jeff. The problem with that fucking vote is we don't know if it's split. We could have it tie vote. It's only going to be a problem for the audience. We're going to find out the answer immediately. That fucking sucks. It doesn't inconven to be a problem for the audience. We're going to find out the answer immediately. That fucking sucks. It doesn't inconvenience

us in any way whatsoever. I don't know. I think that's placing the audience on the wrong side of the face. Yeah. Okay. I feel like we got to get this. Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Can we take

a vote on if we should reveal it now or in the next episode? All right, you guys deafen. No, there's no deafening. You can just tell us. No, don't deafen. All right, so yes. What does the vote mean? Is yes, we reveal, or yes, we hold is yes we we reveal or yes we hold yes we reveal

do you want to reveal the vote now or next episode all right gavin go well wait just before we well andrew go what go ahead gavin is it public vote yeah public vote absolutely i vote we do it this episode okay andrew i vote we do it okay jeff i vote we do it this episode okay Andrew I vote we do it okay Jeff I vote we do it this episode you vote you do it this episode

what was the point of all this well I was already outvoted two to one why I have a dude I'm in this I have a vote

we should have deafened and and and Jeff I have a vote oh okay well hold on though but then here's the thing I was only

I was only going down this road playing devil's advocate because Gavin liked the idea. All right, let's reveal it now, apparently. Jesus Christ. Okay, one second. Wait, what would you have voted for? I would have voted for whatever Jeff voted for, so that way it had to come down to Ben, a guy who is just here to record the episode. I vote no.

I vote no. I vote no. It's too late. The vote has been cast. It is way too late, Jeff. Do we have a decisive vote on... Hey, before you get to the vote, can I reveal a secret that I bet you guys didn't know? Yes. While we've been sitting here this entire podcast, I ate an entire salad, and I don't

think anybody heard me or knew it. I think you're out of your fucking mind, because I was gonna come on earlier and just say, why are you eating on the podcast? Yeah, there was definitely one thing you said that was like, I don't know. You taught me the rest of the chews pretty well, I gotta say. Thank you.

Alright, Andrew, continue. No, I think we're waiting for the vote now oh are we doing okay so which so this is the vote primary vote is signing the 300 who's signing the 300 okay now andrew took a very long time and and had a lot to say because he he took apparently he had secret text messages with both of you to figure out what this was and vote for the other person. Yeah, I assumed as much.

Ultimately, I will reveal that the person who will be signing the 300 cards is Gavin. Oof, that's a, oof. That's a knife in my back from Andrew Patton. I guess it wasn't undeserved entirely, but. Now, i will say phil go back that's his phil listen to this episode when you can when kelly posted for us

which is editing because he said jeff's name three times and i kept saying so you're voting for jeff and then at the like the third time he went oh wait i meant gavin i rephrased the question in my head i thought you're asking who do i want it like who am i voting to take with me to the next round not who am i voting to i know i know it's stupid i'm just listen i apologize gavin it deals with both of you i honestly assumed you would both just vote me because that'd be the biggest face because i organized this and that would go no i was i was going along with our usual uh 37 episodes of somewhat of an alliance and it's permanently gone the bridge exploded okay

no you stabbed me in the back twice first debatable recently second of all it is debatable we're doing a number guessing game next and jeff can't put on his fucking socks there's no way that he's gonna remember what numbers he said I just felt like you'd be better at the next game even though it's a game of complete luck you took me out of it I felt like yeah yeah I'm going against Jeff because I think you'd be better at it and I want to I don't want to do the 99 I ideally want to only have to sign one so that's why that was mainly why I went against you it deals with both of you i thought a lot about it and i just i determined that with jeff sock issue he would be less of a competitor and the ring but now i've got to ask jeff why why me thanks for listening to face everybody

tune in next week to find out uh who signs the 99 who signs the one and why i voted against gavin uh although i would think that the answer would be pretty clear. Hey, if you want to support us in a dollars and cents kind of way, maybe buy a fuck hat. Or keep your eyes open for a black baseball bat. Are they back in stock? Or maybe buy a Gerpl shirt or an Ian pocket tee. Or, I don't know, buy a product from one of the people we do ad reads for. Or maybe just set your money on fire and take a picture of it.

Don't do that. Anyway, five stars, rate and like and subscribe and ring the bell and say hello to the bell and the bell is your friend and Apple iTunes podcast. Bye. We'll see you next time.