F**kface - We're Still in the Past // Vancouver Child Kicker [39]

Episode Date: February 24, 2021

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about the intense paranoia caused by this show, we guess numbers, Andrew makes a sound that you have to guess then tries salad cream, and more. Sponsored by HelloFresh (http://hellofresh.com/face10 and use code face10) and Postmates ( Postmates app and use code FACE) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Eric and Gavin and Jeff and I were holed up in Andrew's sort of apartment next to the apartment complex. It's a pile of just rubble. My building was on fire. Did you say Jeff and I? What? I don't know. This might be was it Roadman or whatever? I think

if he did, I missed it. I'm pretty sure he said I'm here with Andrew and Jeff and I. Maybe. It's possible. Can't rule it out. I don't know, man. What episode is this? Not actually from Vancouver.

No. What episode is this? 39, right? Last one was 38. We did a vote. I betrayed Gavin. That was fun. This will be 39.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm sitting uncomfortably because the knife is like rubbing against the back of my chair and i've got to lean forwards it does suck doesn't it if it makes you feel any better gavin i made that alliance with him before the podcast and i didn't trust it for one second i mean i don't doubt that but i also made the alliance i know i was really expecting you two to text each other about it at some point or some form of communication.

Look, I'm so scared at all times of destroying the bit. I just go along with it at this point. I don't know who I'm going to be screwing over if I let someone else know about your games. And all that did is closed my eyes to the knife that was flying at me. It was fun to text you both word for word the same things back and forth. It feels like in this i i guess like relationship that we all share this friendship and i'll include eric in this now too it feels like there's not a safe place ever there's like no safe move there's no place that's safe to talk everything is fodder everything is is open for a bit and everything is probably a bit

like i don't trust any genuine moment anymore. This is the worst thing that's happened to my friendship with you two. The paranoia on this show is like unmatched on anything I've ever, I mean, I've ever worked on ever. It is, there is constantly scheming on top of scheming behind other schemes, and you can't trust simple questions. It's really incredible.

It must be what it was like to be on the set filming Jackass 2 or 3. Yep. You don't know whether your head's going to get shaved or shit smitten your eye or something. It's like, hey, Gav, come here for a second. No. Go over there for a second. No. Do you want to eat?

No. Do you need to go to the bathroom? No. Do you want to take a nap. No. Do you want to eat? No. Do you need to go to the bathroom? No. Do you want to take a nap? No. Do you want to sit? No. Do you want to stand?

No. It's like, no, I'm not going to go over there. I'm going to stay right here on this snake. Oh. I will say. I sent you a text, Andrew. Yeah, I saw. I was laughing at it.

It was fantastic. Why am I like that? No. No, i think i'm you guys are conspiring no it's a great text i uh i feel like we should bring up for because the episode that just aired was the one where i was like i need to call somebody because i'm sending something to jeff the amount of people that think i actually bought a porta potty is absurd well it's entirely like you you convinced me i was convinced the amount of people on this podcast that believed you actually bought a port-a-potty uh is a hundred

percent yeah the people who know you the most in case thought you done it so the people who don't know you you're surprised they thought you did it yeah well i guess i don't know that there's like a certain level to that that's so extreme that uh i was like wow i can't believe everyone was like i mean i i did i sent gavin knows what i said i did send you something that'll arrive on monday jeff and i feel like we'll pay pay off a little bit on this whole port-a-potty thing you got that to enjoy it's not an inconvenience would you say gavin i can't hear you the knife is it's blocking sound waves i guess through my headphones oh okay no fair enough fair enough i feel like uh I I handled it like an adult uh when you betrayed me twice oh yeah I guess I'm sulking too much I've only got one knife

by the way we seem to have never addressed the salad cream oh I've had a fucking salad on my desk for the entire episode. We can get that. Just sat there looking at a salad. Yeah, no, I've just been staring at it. I'd just like to point out when things like that happen and it's a 14-minute change for us,

people are waiting weeks for this bit to pay off. Weeks. We need like a big board, kind of like they have in Family Feud that shows like the ranked shit. That's just like stuff we have to address per episode. And we should just go down

because we forget so much important stuff. That is a great point. I still need to make a basket. That's been on my list for episode one. Yeah, it's like episode six last episode we agreed that we were gonna pick a card and announce it on instagram which by this point we must have done but because we just went straight from that episode to this one we don't know like we're still in the past that's why i was super against the cliffhanger ending because there's no guarantee

we would have even revealed the vote result in this one, because we could have been sidetracked with salad. Who knows? That's a hell of a cliffhanger. So I like the idea of Andrew's had this salad on his desk and was definitely not going to bring up the salad cream himself. I think you would have happily sat there for two recordings and never mentioned the salad

if you could have. No, I planned on on because we agreed i'd do it next episode two episodes ago at this point and uh we were at like 40 minutes and jeff's like well we got two things we got to deal with the zimmer situation and we got to do this vote and i was like well i guess i'm just not doing salad we'll do it next one you should have interjected uh on benefit of salad well you know end of show this one i got the salad ready i got the salad cream i got everything good to go you can play us out with a salad i like it i can play us out with a salad we'll eat it live i love it i like that you sniffed the salad cream two weeks ago and you're gonna eat it yeah oh eric wants to start with the card vote no there's no more card vote we did the card vote did we well no we're not doing a card vote

oh the card game we gotta we gotta figure out who does 99 versus one the number wang yeah but that's not a vote i don't think eric knows his role in eric you have to pick a number between 1 and 25 okay do you want to explain it to Eric and the audience real fast? Okay, yeah. So to determine who only has to sign one thing, Eric is going to pick a number in his head between 1 and 25. Jeff and I will go back and forth trying to guess what that number is. Whoever gets it right first

wins and only has to sign one thing. Loser has to sign 99. Okay. Should I tell Gavin what the number is so that way nobody thinks I'm tricking anyone? Yeah. That's a great idea. That's a great idea. That is a great idea. Gavin, do you want me to like message you on here? Like, what do you want me to do?

Why don't you call me? I don't have your number. Why don't, okay. Why don't they both deafen? Yeah. You both deafen and I'll say, come back. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. I was trying to, I had to tell Jeff to like contact you for me the other day because I don't have your number. So I don't like, What was I going to do? Do you want it? I'll give it to you after this. Yeah.

Yeah. After this. Yeah. Yeah. Just in case. Cause if there needs to be more schemes, you know what I mean? Uh, yeah. Anyway, the number is six.

Okay. Lower than I thought it'd be. Yeah. Me too. Very interesting pick. Okay. Yep. Yep.

Jeff can't figure out how to undef. Jeff can't figure it out. Can I pick first? Cause I'm here first. No, we have to wait for Jeff. Oh, okay. Did you figure it out? Did you figure out how Because I'm here first. No, we have to wait for Jeff. Oh, okay. Did you figure it out? Did you figure out how to undeafen?

Yeah, no, I was dealing with the fucking dog. Dog stuff. Were you calling it by my name? Yeah, little Eric got his ball stuck under the coffee table, so I had to get it out for him. It's his owl. It's his favorite toy. And so we call it Owl Owl,

and he gets mad if he can't get to it. It's okay, little buddy. I call him a little mini 64. Oh, that's fun. That's very fun. Okay, who gets to go first? You can go first if you want, Jeff. I'll be courteous. So I need to guess a number between 1 and 25.

That's right. 1 and 25. Okay. I'm going to guess the number 2. No. 25. No. 3.

No. 6. What was that? 6. I can't hear. Can you hear what he's saying? What did you say? 6.

Are you saying 6? Why don't you say a long noise and then end with the number? Yeah. What? Just go like, uh, six. Okay, I think I'm gonna pick six. Yeah, six is the number. Really?

Yeah, six is the number. That's why I was asking you to clarify it, because you kept cutting out and we weren't sure, but that is the number. For us, we just heard like, six. This is fantastic. I thought maybe there was a chance you were saying 26 even though the number was 1 to 25 no yeah no was there a reason for picking six because i had a strategy no a strategy yeah i just googled what don zimmer's number was and he was 66

don zimmer was 66 i was like i'll just go with a six. You just picked six just because there's no Zimmer connection? No. That's fucking great. Thanks, Zim. I was living the Zen of Zim life. I was in the Zimmer zone, and I only need to sign one card. That is two men meeting head-to-head in the Zim zone. I feel like that was lucky because Jeff was just slowly heading towards six with his guests.

You had to nip him in the bud, and you did. That's fantastic. Andrew, congratulations. You're the black onyx parallel or whatever. Great, so we're mailing one card to Canada? Yeah, I'll do 99, you do 300, and then Andrew will do one. And the funny part is,

100 of your 200 won't go to anybody. Of your 300. I think this went really well yeah you you came out on top i guess yeah yep what a surprise that andrew had the idea and andrew managed to come out on top through manipulating the system what what a surprise that andrew hedge fund panton managed to come out on top and beat the little guy i am the absolute little guy get out of here i'm i'm always against you doing burger bets because i know you won't be able to do it and you'll just lose more money or eat more pencils and i sort of try and talk you out of them

every time but uh if you want to try it again i'm i'm open for it my burger days are behind me what about your confidence what about your confidence and go confidence? Yeah, it's just the burger confidence is gone. I'll have that in other areas. I've retired from burgers. I just don't. I don't have. It's a young man's game.

We've heard this before. We've heard these exact same words. I'm telling you, this is different. This is not different. I tried. No, it is. It is the last one. I think my favorite comment about the whole burger controversy,

me trying to explain it, and I felt like it missed the point, but it was just really funny. But somebody said something like, wait, so are you telling me this guy accidentally added 10 slices of cheese and then just tried to find a way where he can't lose because of that? Because this is the most sinful breakdown. I was like, I kind of did that, but that wasn't the point. I just wanted clarification. I would have been fine with it failing and it being an official fail.

I was just looking for clarity. Neither of us ever specified which burgers you have to eat. We can't go down this road. You changed it. I don't know why you stopped eating burgers. That's all I'll say about it. I just wanted clarification. I can't believe I won. That went great. Can we talk about something? You know what I feel

really shitty about that we should have talked about? Same session. We're a few weeks in the future now that fucking vr game that the person in the community made yeah that was crazy ridiculous that's so awesome that they made that i believe their username was lord beard steak i like the pillow stacking part pillow stacking was great actually gavin that was my main pitch to jeff and to get him to vote you out i was talking to that guy and he brought up that you haven't had like a definitive face yet for yourself now like i have the pillows jeff has the toilet i have the pencil you haven't had your version of the pencil yet i have socks he has socks i had a freaking mushroom growing out of

my drain. That's true. That's a great point. What's going on with the mushroom? Yeah, we get a mushroom update. It hasn't come back yet. I've been deliberately using that sink a lot to prevent fungal growth. I'll be honest.

A lot of people in the comments weren't that worried about it. They were like, ah, you know, it happened to me. It happens. Mushrooms. I've never seen that in my life in a sink. I was pretty disappointed by how not shocked people were so and there were people that were like plumbers that were like happens all the time especially if it's a rarely used sink it's no big deal i was hoping against hope that they

were gonna have to like weed kill your entire house and it was gonna they were gonna have to put like the big red and white striped tent over your house for like a month and you have to go live in a hotel and none of that because usually people on the internet uh absolute worry warts they'll they'll feed you info that's like oh you're gonna die or something or like your brain's coming out of your head because you have a dent now yeah you're gonna sneeze and brain will split it off this was like i don't worry about it it's just it's just drain fungus good news for me is it really just that that seems like a simplification of that problem i would maybe burn down my entire house if i had mushrooms in my pipes well i mean i guess it makes sense it's dark and damp and if there's sitting water or just like dregs of water i can see it happening

that's fair i i don't i just i it would be like in my head that the last of us has started this is wave wave one that's what i was thinking when i was looking at my carpet that one time the last of us has begun yeah it sucked to be patient zero in a zombie apocalypse i think it'd be better than being further down the line less fear can i this is a how do i set this up uh one time i almost kicked a child in the chest why um okay well i had just moved i just moved it was a new neighborhood and wasn't in like the greatest part of town i mean that doesn't even really justify this. So I was walking. It was the first time. It was the first time I had gone on a walk in this neighborhood. And I was,

I was going around and I was thinking like, man, you ever have those thoughts? Like, man, what if somebody was following me? That'd be weird. And so I,

I like, I checked my shoulder every once in a while. I did it like maybe once, once or twice. And so I'm walking and I was like, should I listen to music? I don't know. It's a new, I think I just, I'll listen, whatever. I'll listen to a podcast. So I'm walking and I'm like maybe three minutes from my house. And I had one of those thoughts like, man, wouldn't it be fucking crazy if somebody was following me?

So I turned around and there was a black outline of a child and they were just standing still. They're like maybe a six year old boy, six six or seven and I looked at him and I said hey and the kid didn't say anything and the way that the streetlights were hitting him there was nothing but black it was like literally a black outline of a person and they just started slowly walking towards me and I just kept saying hey what's up how's it going how's it going hey how's it going and I'm walking backwards talking to this kid as he's walking forwards, and it was freaking me out It was super creepy. I couldn't there's like no face There's nothing it's just a black outline of a person and we got to the point if that kid would have taken like three more steps

I was in my head was like I'm kicking you in the chest This is a zombie apocalypse. I'm not fucking zombie number six. We're making it through at least day one So we're walking and then all of a sudden i hear a door open and this this like a normal mom just yelled like peter it's dinner and then the kid just turned around and left i was fucking terrified he's just out there fronting on people yeah i like the idea that in your brain all logic had gone and you were thinking well i'm gonna regret not kicking the kid if i end up being zombie number six. Absolutely. I felt like I'd given enough warnings. I was walking backwards. I felt like I was completely in my rights to kick this kid. How tall do you think he was?

Oh, maybe four feet. He was very, he was a small. Do you have a hook on the age? Like, do you have any idea how old he was was i would say below the age of eight how tall are you i'm like five foot ten so before this eight-year-old kid's mom called him in he was about to beat the living shit out of you is what it sounds like no no no because i was gonna fucking kick him in the chest i'd work this out because if he is a zombie i want some range this is definitely a kicking situation i was going as hard as I can to the chest and just running home. You're about to go, this is Panton on him. Yeah, exactly.

I was going to go, full this is Panton, unload on his chest. I think, you know what, at that point, no matter what, I would have ran because it was just a kid and he probably would have cried and I would have felt awful and I'd run from the scene of the assault.

I feel like any time you have to get into a fight with someone, you should yell ham zone at the top of your lungs before swinging. I don't think, I'm glad that the mom called him because I don't know if saying I thought he was a zombie would hold up in defense of the act. See, like he caved in his chest. I thought he was a zombie. I went ham zone.

I said hi multiple times and the kid did not respond That was like a pivotal moment in your life. I think there's an alternate reality Where you're in a completely different place and the split was your foot hitting the ribcage of that kid Yeah, you got arrested and you're like, I thought he was a zombie the judge sends you down The poor kid what do you mean the Oh, the poor kid. What do you mean the poor kid? The poor kid. I don't, I mean. If you in a world where a five foot ten man kicks an eight year old kid as hard as he can in the chest. Yeah, the poor kid.

I would never want to do that. I was not, you know, I thought he was a zombie. He's breathing out of a bag for the rest of his life. He can't, he doesn't walk anymore. Why can't the kid say hi or stop falling? It was very creepy. I think most people in my position would have been very concerned probably had headphones in no he didn't he's probably

listening to the wiggles or raffy or something going about his day he's like i love you you love me sucking chest wound i was i was staring him down even though i couldn't see his eyes i was there's a stare down and i was was yelling, hey, what's up? Were you making yourself big? Were you swinging your arms out, up in the shoulders? No, no, no. I was more the every step back, I was like, is he going to keep moving forward? Is he a zombie?

Where am I going to kick him? I'm going to kick him square in the chest with all my force if he keeps coming. If he catches me. I don't want to do this. I let us get very close and I didn't fire. I was going to wait until the last minute,

but in my head, I had it worked out. That kid's going down. I didn't think it was a kid, though. I thought it was a zombie. What might have happened, here's what I see happening. You kick a kid.

The second you connect with this poor kid's chest, his mom opens the door to tell him dinner's ready. She sees an adult man beating up her eight-year-old son and she grabs a broom and she puts you in the hospital i um i don't like there was some distance the kid wasn't exactly in front of his house i think i could have evaded there is enough like wooded area i would have booked it so fucking fast after that kick but the thing is

okay so really the the deciding point is if you would have sewing machined your way all the way to the forest yes i would have i would have used that sewing machine dexterity to get there at record time that's the only consideration if the kid was actually a zombie i'm running home if the kid just starts crying then I'm running into the woods. I just love the idea of that headline. Like, man kicks kid and runs into the woods. And you're like, I could explain. It was very, I don't know.

Do you guys know what I mean by like the light? There was no, he was a fucking black shadow. It was terrifying. He was silhouetted. Vancouver child kicker strikes again. City under siege. It was very intimidating. Are you telling me you would not, in that situation,

there's no way in which you would kick the kid if he just keeps moving forward? I don't think so, man. 14th child kicked in Vancouver, Iowa. I'm not a serial child kicker. When will this man be stopped? He kicked two people tonight. I'll be honest, Andrew. You don't know that you're not a serial child kicker.

I'm pretty sure I'm not. Would I not know? Every one of us is a serial child kicker who just hasn't kicked their first child yet. That could have been your moment you found out. Once you pop. It became an addiction. I can't stop.

Oh, man. Scurrying into the woods. This is like, imagine a very short version of that. That's what I was dealing with. Imagine that movie poster, but him with

shoes on his knees. It's like Dorf. I want a variant where you can just see the front. It's like wearing one of those hats to have a propeller on it. Rainbow clothes. I'm imagining some sort of crazy chase scene between you and the police and you're like running down the street

and someone cleaning the windows knocks over his ladder and you look at the ladder on the floor and you're like this is my time and then you just speed up as you do the sewing machine through the ladder that's andrew and the kitty kick how do we get there what were we talking about? You somehow managed to engineer yourself winning the signing thing. I don't know, but how did we get to whatever? It doesn't matter. You just said that you almost kicked a kid once.

Yeah. There's a reason. I certainly didn't just come out of left field with a confession of that nature. I think you did. I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that came out of nothing. No, I think that definitely came from somewhere. It came from you. I didn't just randomly.

At the bottom of your foot. Gavin, do you ever find yourself possessed of any hyper-violent urges? No. No, not really. Same. That was not hyper-violent. That was purely a distance move.

I didn't want to actually hurt. I wanted some distance. I wanted separation. I was very scared. It was intimidating. I don't think it's great that you're mocking this traumatic point in my life, which I almost kicked a kid. I was very scared.

Oh, man. Oh, oh, man. Oh, my God. That kid. He has no idea how lucky he is. No, he has no clue. That's the great point. That kid is just living. Or how lucky Canada might be.

He could grow up to be the next Justin Trudeau. Imagine if there's some kid called Peter listening to this podcast. He's like, oh, got away with that one. So how's your salad holding up? Is it wilting? Yeah, you gonna eat it now? Yeah, I guess we could.

Well, how far are we into the show? We're 25 minutes in. We're like 25 minutes. Wow. Can I say one other thing? Because I meant to bring this up last time, and this is not going to be nearly the same type of pivot. I learned what this means. Gavin's talking about common things people now i'll just type this into into our discord i misunderstood what that has meant my entire life i was right

though i was kind of right about what it means i just didn't understand it was an abbreviation like an acronym you mean yeah what do you it was? I thought it was just like a huff sound. Make the sound you think it was. It'd be like a... I don't know whether that was cut off. That was the noise you made. There's no S sound. No, there's a lot of pressure in that moment, Jeff.

And I was like, well, what sound would it be? And then I broke and then I kind of made the sale I wanted after doing that. It's just more like a perplexed noise you would make with your mouth. For those who can't see this part of the audio, Andrew has typed. We should have made a game where we see if the audience can guess what he's trying to say. Oh, we can. But I assume the reveal is going to be in this podcast. Yeah, it's true.

We can cut my explanation if you want. I think we should do but I assume the reveal is going to be in this podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true. We can cut my explanation if you want. I think we should do it the next episode. That's my vote. Maybe we should tease this. Great cliffhanger. Alright, so what is it? Make the sound one more time. I don't think I can. Do your best. It's three letters. You just gotta make the sound. And audience, you have to guess

the three letters of the acronym. And what the acronym is. Okay. Alright, do it one more time for Clary. You're the acronym. And what the acronym is. Okay. Do it one more time for Clary. You're the worst. It's like a... Was that it? No, I'm trying... My mouth is very dry. This is a lot of pressure.

Drink some waffle juice. I'm gonna... No, I have the waffle. I still have the waffle bomb. Okay, you know what? Actually, let's try... No, I'm not. I would genuinely vomit. I just...

We just need you to make the sound. That was a lot of letters. What was that? That's the best I can do. This moment. Okay, there you go. I tried. Audience, what do you think

that was? There's no way. What three-letter acronym do you think Andrew was trying to convey? There's no way. Okay. Maybe that? Maybe like a... It's more like there's a body gesture. No, none of the sounds

you made correspond with any of those letters. No, the irony is I can see what he's saying, and I feel like he can make a sound that fits to what it is, but he's not even using the right letters. Well, it's tough to make the... Is that it? Gavin, I would ask you and I to make it too, but I don't want to make it too long.

Yeah, I feel like I would nail it, and it would be really easy. Same. I feel like if I said it, the audience would get it immediately. So, Andrew, why don't you give it to us five or six more times? There is no way anyone on earth gets that from that. There's no point. That's not even the argument I'm trying to make. I'm not saying I just... I misunderstood what it was.

I thought it was the noise. Every single noise you made was completely different. Oh my god. I tried, okay? You had three letters at your disposal and you used the other 23. I tried really hard. I want all those noises to be played back to back,

like all five of them, and then subtitled with the same three letters every time. All five of them and then subtitled with the same three letters every time. It's really more of a mood. I felt like it was a vocab. It was like there's more than a sound. That letter, it was like an attitude. And the attitude represented what the action of the letters represent. Attitudes such as...

Attitudes such as... See, I feel like that last one was pretty good. That's sort of what I wanted to go for. I think that's a good representation. If you're like me, you start thinking about what to eat for dinner when you're eating lunch. And you start thinking about what to eat for dinner when you're eating lunch. And you start thinking about what to eat for lunch when you're eating breakfast. And you start thinking about what to eat for breakfast when you're eating dinner again last night. Oh my God, it's a vicious cycle. And what am I supposed to do when I'm so busy that I don't have time to go into the kitchen and plan the perfect meal?

I tell you what I do. I use Postmates. With Postmates, you can get food delivered without leaving your house or apartment. Or maybe you live at a Home Depot. You can probably get it delivered there. Maybe you live in a fitness gym. A lot of people do that these days, I hear. Anyway, Postmates, they'll deliver it without you having to leave your fitness gym house.

Or even open your front door or their front door. Most gyms, I would imagine they have the automated doors, but you get the gist. Anyway, with the current state of the world in mind, they've created no contact deliveries. So now when I order from local restaurants, everything gets left on my doorstep and the app lets me know when it's been delivered.

And then not only is that COVID safe, but it's introverted safe as well. Postmates also offers a pickup option, which I actually do use from time to time because you find yourself out and about and sometimes you don't want to have to wait on delivery driver. You want to be the delivery driver. You want to live vicariously through others. You know, you see the dude in the construction site and you think like, man, I better be cool to, I don't know, mix concrete all day long instead of play video games. And then he's probably like, man, I better be cool to, I don't know, mix concrete all day long instead of play video games. And then he's probably like, man, I better be cool to be a dentist all day long and

mix concrete. And the dentist is like, man, I better be really cool to be a librarian, etc, etc. But here you get to live the life of a delivery driver for a brief minute using Postmates to go pick your stuff up. And on top of all that, Postmates isn't just about burgers and sushi or sushi burgers or burger sushi. You can order anything from toilet paper to home chargers. I wouldn't eat those things. Those are not meant to be ordered as food because you can go to stores like Walgreens or 7-Eleven and Postmates will drop that stuff off on your front door too. Like say you need batteries for your Xbox controller at three in the morning. Postmates? Hello? It's me, Jeff. I need batteries. It's that. And then there they are. So just download Postmates on iOS or Android,

find your favorites, and get anything you want delivered within the hour. For a limited time, Postmates is giving our listeners $5 off your first five orders for your first seven days. To save $5 on your first five deliveries, download the app and use code FACE. That's code FACE for $5 off your first five orders when you download the Postmates app or sign up online. Anything you need, anytime you need it, Postmate it. You've heard me ask this question before,

but I'm gonna do it again. What is HelloFresh? Well, it's rhetorical because I know what HelloFresh is. You know what HelloFresh is. It's how to get the best made pre-measured ingredients that you turn into mouthwatering seasonal recipes, get it delivered to your house so that you just whip it up in the kitchen and you have perfectly portioned meals that are perfectly delicious, perfectly fun, and perfectly affordable. HelloFresh cuts out stressful meal planning and grocery store trips so you can enjoy cooking and get dinner on the table in about 30 minutes or less. I don't know about you, but I can't get through one aisle of the grocery store in less than 30

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better deal than that. HelloFresh is basically giving you fun, fresh food that you get to have a fun, fresh time cooking. You're getting fun, fresh time back from the grocery store, and you're getting fun, fresh 40% savings from the grocery store. It's almost like we owe them. This deal's too good. So go to HelloFresh.com slash FaceTen and use code FaceTen for 10 free meals, including free shipping. That's HelloFresh.com slash FaceTen. Well, that was something that had nothing. Oh, God. Wow. That was a lot of podcast out of three letters that Andrew typed in the Discord. Oh, man. Any... whoo he's just prolonging

his cream though i think that's what he's going for should i shake this like okay so this is what i did i tweeted out what is the best things to put on a salad i got a huge list a lot of people said a lot of different things i'm taking the coffee approach i just put all of the suggestions in that i could essentially so it's going to be a great salad because I put all the best things in it so we got uh we got chow mein in here we got croutons we got bacon we got chicken we have some beef we have uh almonds walnuts uh some apple there's like 25 ingredients in the salad sounds like half a waldorf yeah uh wait when you said like the coffee thing you mean your coffee thing not like the coffee thing, you mean your coffee thing, not like the coffee thing. Yeah, my coffee.

You know how I was just putting everything in the coffee to try to make it good. These are professional. I don't know if I'd say professional. These are, I'm assuming, informed opinions by people. By comment leavers. Comment leavers, yes. And so I just put all of them in the salad. So I don't see how this could go wrong.

And if it does, then salad cream just fucking sucks because these are all the best things to put in a salad. Okay i don't see how this could go wrong and if it does then salad cream just fucking sucks because these are all the best things to put in a salad okay so let me get this straight you've decided that in your tasting to determine whether you like this flavor of this thing you've never had you thought you would create a salad that had every other possible flavor in it i mean i just asked what are the best things to put in the salad and i got an answer i got a lot of answers and i just went with those. I understand what you're saying. You're basically saying to set yourself up for success, you want the cream of the ingredient crop. You want all of the best of the best. And if you top load the salad with the best flavors that it could possibly

be in a salad and still don't like salad cream, it can only be the fault of the salad cream exactly it's a very panting approach i like it i'm trying very hard to to like salad cream how much do i put on enough enough i don't know what that means i do half a cup yeah you don't fucking i'm not talking to you you've never had salad uh what what what are we doing what's the cap situation is it a slit uh what do you mean it's just like a bottle well how's it dispensing is it through? Is it a slit? What do you mean? It's just like a bottle. Well, how is it dispensing? Is it through a hole or a slit? Through a hole. I'd give it maybe a spiral two-second squeeze. A spiral two-second squeeze.

Okay. Do you do clockwise or counterclockwise, Gavin? What hemisphere is he in? I'd go clockwise. Really? I feel like my natural spiral squeeze would be counterclockwise. Really? What if it's because I'm left-handed?

Oh, I think that's it, yeah. Because I'm going away from my body with it. Let me try to... It's tough to get all this stuff on one fork pull. I gotta make sure I got some bacon. Got some chow mein. Chips. I got some pine nuts.

I got some almonds. I don't think I could fit an apple in here. Here we go. This is... It's like just even getting it to the mouth is difficult. Did you have a control bite with no salad cream first? Yeah, what are you doing? Are you eating just the salad now?

I'm just eating the salad. So there's no salad cream on this yet? No, I put the salad cream on. Wait, you did put it on? No. I don't either. Why wouldn't I? Because you haven't tried it without the sour cream yet.

There's no dressing on it. What? It's just going to be a shitty salad. There's no dressing. You're the one that said you don't like dressing on salad. You told us you like it dry. Yeah, but I typically don't put this much dry stuff on it. This is just like ridiculously dry.

What are you doing? I don't understand. How is you doing? I don't understand. How is the salad? I couldn't really taste it because of all the other stuff. Oh my fucking God. I'm gonna kiss. And try again. You're like a nightmare on legs.

Eric, I agree with you. Eric just wrote, I still don't know if the cream is on it or not. You are the... I put the cream on it. Fucking what? I put the cream on it, you know what? There's no benchmark! What do you mean, though? What do you mean, what does he mean? Did you stir in the cream, or are you

just eating lumps of salad cream? I stirred it in. God, you are the definition of frustration. This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to hear the first moment someone tried salad cream, and you've've it was very good made it No, what do you mean? I made it pointless. I tried the salad cream There was no control. We don't know whether you like this salad cream or this salad

Yeah, oh, I see your oh, no. This is a great salad. It was also good Let me ask you this have you ever had this salad before no of course not there's like 40 fucking ingredients in this it's loaded i would never make this salad it's way too much work that's why i didn't make it last week it requires a lot of time it's like being like all right let's test out how well this poison works on uh this person here i'm gonna shoot them a bunch first but we'll see how the poison works. Okay, what about this? What if I just go clean leaf, nothing else, just salad leaf, cream on salad leaf?

Would that be acceptable? That's revolutionary. How did you come up with that? That's, you know what? I'm a genius, Gavin, that's why. Take some water to cleanse your palate first. Take a swig. I have Gatorade, is that okay?

That's fine. Is Gatorade okay? Eat some ginger. Oh, that would have been a good addition. I didn't put ginger in this. Okay. Well, I just almost fucking knocked my Gatorade over. I threw the salad cream.

That could have went bad. Oh, goodness shit. My bad. People waited three weeks for this. I'm trying another bite. This is just pure salad cream on the salad leaf. Eat the salad on its own first. I'm eating, relax.

I am, what the fuck do you want me to do? I'm doing it. I don't think you are. You said you put the salad cream on it. You want me just to fucking taste lettuce? What are you talking about? Aren't we trying to decide whether salad is made better with salad cream or not?

Yeah, I thought it was just, do I like the taste of salad cream? I don't mind it I feel like I'm successful in this test. All right. Okay. Okay. Let me let me ask you That's a completely different question we're not asking does the salad cream elevate the salad it's do I like the salad I like the salad Wait cream Do I like the salad? I like the salad wait the cream Of this salad you think you think that the question that's being asked is do you like? Yeah, what else would be the point of this? Salad that you just made up the whole point was the salad cream no no

you're being ridiculous the salad cream is so clearly part of the salad I put it in so two weeks ago when you were sniffing the salad cream I'm so confused I don't understand why you're confused wait okay hang on let's find out

hey Jeff what's on the salad that we're seeing if Andrew likes it or not? Why does that matter? Because that's the question. If you like the salad, I guess. No, I thought the... Okay, well, the salad... Let me... Okay, let's take a few steps back here. I didn't

think this could be taken down so far from what it could have been. No, no, no, no, no. The ultimate question was, do i like salad cream right isn't that it wasn't that what we're going for is salad cream good isn't that the point of this question uh yeah yeah yeah right okay so then i made a fucking great salad with salad cream and i had a great time eating it tasted great then you're like, what about the cream? What about the cream? The cream was in the fucking salad. So then

I took all the stuff off the salad. I just had fucking lettuce and cream. Still good. I don't see how this doesn't answer. Salad cream isn't that bad. Because you said the question was if you like the salad. Maybe I misspoke. Which I don't care if you like

the salad. I want to know about the salad cream. Eric, Andrew wasn't into the benchmark and he was applying real world to it. But if I didn't like the salad, then I certainly would have disliked the cream. If I like the salad, I like the cream. It's answering the same question. If this cream is in the salad and I like the salad, then I like the cream. That's like saying, if I put ketchup on these chips, I like it. If I put it on this dead fox, I don't like ketchup.

What? This ketchup isn't making the roadkill any good. This is my favorite show. I'm genuinely confused by what you want from me. I feel like I've accommodated you in every way wait hang on we can get we can get jeff to sort this out jeff how do you feel about this guys i'll be honest i don't i think andrew broke me a little bit here he's just been silent for like four minutes okay i just am i don't know how to respond i and Andrew's obfuscation and double talk is so frustrating,

and he's got me confused. I don't know anymore. I went in knowing, and then Andrew got me all jumbled, and I don't know what's up or down. I don't know. I don't care. That made me dumber. I feel dumber, too.

No, let's go back to the start, okay? Aww, do we have to dissect how you fucked us on this? Yes, yeah. Yeah, I do. I need to know. How can I correct this? What can I do? It's over. You did what you did. No, what can I do? How do I correct this? What should I have done? What would have been the thing to do? Oh, in my opinion, you would have prepared a very simple salad.

Sort of the most basic, benchmark salad. You would have prepared a very simple salad, sort of the most basic benchmark salad. You would have eaten it with nothing on it or maybe some dressing, some standard dressing that you've had before. And then you would have the same salad again, but with salad cream. And that would tell us whether salad cream improved the salad or whether it made it worse. I feel like we even had a discussion about that. I feel like we had a conversation where we even said, like, you'll'll eat it eat one salad with the salad cream and then one salad with your favorite dressing and you said i don't typically eat dressing on my salad i like it dry and we said okay well then a dry salad like you normally eat it and then a salad with salad cream and then

there's still salad that doesn't have cream on it he treated it like a child would in a hotel ordering everything on the room service menu yes and then he put salad cream on it he treated it like a child would in a hotel ordering everything on the room service menu yes and then he put salad cream on it i wanted to like salad cream so i asked people what the great salad toppings were and i went with the people i'm a man of the people i listened to their it's like when you're a kid and your uncle takes you to like baskin robbins for the first time and he's he's irresponsible and you're like what can I get? And he's like, I don't know. I'm an uncle. And you're like, okay, I'll get everything. You get 32 flavors of ice cream,

and then you can't sleep for the next week because you got a tummy ache. So your issue is just I put too much in the salad. Well, also, by the time that we had even started talking about the order of things and whether you're going to do a benchmark salad, you had salad cream in your esophagus already at that point. It's like you were squirting

it down your gullet while we were talking about it. There's still a large part of the salad that is untouched by cream. I could have another sip, or not sip, I was going to say sip. I'm going to have sip to have a cleanse and palate cleansing right now. Let me ask you a question. As a palate cleanse? I'll have another bite of salad.

No cream. Let me ask you this. Did that salad cream segment go as well as you hoped? I mean, I'm eating a bite of salad. No cream. Let me ask you this. Did that salad cream segment go as well as you hoped? I mean, I'm eating a great fucking salad. I feel like I'm doing okay. It's a win-win for you. I'll be 100% honest. Andrew gave me a headache. I now have a fucking headache.

I've been pushing my hands into my forehead and the top of my nose and just trying to... And now I have a headache. I just had a big bacon chunk on that one. Bacon is such a good topping. You physically wronged me. Let me ask you a question, Andrew. In salad cream on like bacon and apples.

I understand based on previous conversations that you don't typically have salad dressing. But I assume that if you must have salad dressing... And in this scenario, we're not talking cream right now, okay? We're talking like, if you have to have a dressing, and all dressings are available to you, what salad dressing do you pick? I might go, well, you know, it kind of depends on the salad. Like, obviously, if you're going with a Caesar, you'd have a Caesar dressing. If I'm just having my average salad, I'd probably have a like a honey mustard vinaigrette. Okay, thank you. Probably be the type of you. Next question. You have the same salad. It's not a Caesar. It's just a salad salad. Maybe it's got some of the

components in this salad. Maybe it doesn't. I don't give a fuck. But you got three of them. You got one dry. You got one with honey mustard vinaigrette. And you've got one with salad cream. Which one do you reach for? You're only eating one. I'm going to have the dry one. I'd rank dry one number one, honey mustard number two, salad cream three. Okay. You don't like salad cream. No, it's not that I dislike salad cream. It's just I like the other two more than salad cream. It's just like you would choose any other dressing or the absence of dressing over it. Yeah, well, yeah, I guess you got to make the scale right. For me, the top of the pyramid is no dressing. That's like a solid, that's like a 9.7. So it's good.

It's good, but not as good as not existing. Yeah, I don't think I'd ever order salad cream. But if there was like, I just happened to be on my salad. I didn't notice that it was listed on the menu as being a topping for the salad, the dressing on it. I wouldn't return it. I'd be okay with it. It's better than i anticipated okay when you were doing science class at school and the the teacher was like oh you would pour this shit in this beaker mixer with this shit did you just walk past all that and walk

up to the teacher and just say tell me the answer i feel like you're giving me a lot of shit and i'm giving you like four different salad takes here about this salad cream. I think I deserve an A+. I've gone the extra mile in trying to accommodate your needs. You're, listen, I'll give you an A plus for how thorough you with, but your lab work was spotty. I will, you know what?

I'm willing to own that. I wanted to be a man of the people. So I wanted to make kind of my own salad, but I understand for the purposes of evaluation that that wasn't the way to go. You know what I think just happened? I'm going to take a different angle on this. I'm going to choose to sunny side up this.

Andrew, why don't you lay out the ingredients of the salad you just invented, the Andrew Panton salad? That's what I was going to do, Jeff. The Panton, the official. What do you call it? What do you call your salad? I don't know.

I feel like a Panton salad is not a great name. The Childkicker? The Childkicker. I like the Childkicker. Yeah, chestburster. I don't like it, but it's the chestburster. I think that's the right type angle. I think, honestly, I need to look at my list.

There's so many ingredients. As I said, there are almonds, walnuts. There's some beef in there. There at my list. There's so many ingredients. As I said, there are almonds, walnuts. There's some beef in there. There's some bacon. There's some chicken. We should try and get a restaurant to sponsor this podcast and potentially put that on their menu. What kind of greens are you building this out of?

I got some, your standard kind of romaine lettuce, but also I got some spinach in there because that was a recommendation as well. Okay. Higher iron too. Best of both. Yeah. Oh, it's great.

This is a great salad salad cream no salad cream good salad i think it has to have salad cream to be a part of i agree for this yes for this i'm just saying on off days personally i probably wouldn't go cream on it so face has taken the collectible world by storm now we're taking the culinary world by storm we have our first official recipe if we can get heinz to get Heinz UK to sponsor an episode, that would be ideal. Andrew, I assume you've already contacted them. Not about this. I haven't talked to them since

the bottle thing. I will say, you know, an interesting part, I never really considered this, having all these toppings in, it kind of gives you the perspective of what is the greatest salad topping. The bacon really shined. Getting that little bit of bacon in there the greatest salad topping the bacon really shined getting that little bit of bacon in there the flavor the texture really that might be the best salad

topping i'm glad from this salad cream experiment we've established that you like bacon i'm glad we got that out of it all right now i have to ask a question uh because bacon can mean a lot of things are is these like the crunchy little like kind of reddish bacon bits you shake out of a can or are they ones the ones that come out of the bag that like kind of reddish bacon bits that you shake out of a can? Or are they ones the ones that come out of the bag that's like supposed to be real bits of crumbled bacon? Or is this like strips of bacon you cooked yourself? I cook strips of bacon and then I cut it into smaller pieces. Oh, wow.

Kudos, sir. You are a true chef. That sounds delicious. So I've got to ask because we started this whole conversation with you asking me what salad cream tasted like. Let me ask you this, Andrew. What does salad cream taste like? Kind of like a watery honey mustard. Watery?

Did you not shake it? No, I was shaking a lot during the whole kicking the kid conversation. It should have the consistency of like a mayo. It does have, yeah, it does have the consistency of a mayo. It kind of has the smell and tang of like a honey mustard, like a lighter honey mustard. But it tasted like bacon. No, the bacon tasted like bacon. Okay.

I was a big fan of the bacon taste. It doesn't taste like that. It's a lesser honey mustard. I feel like if you like honey mustard, you probably would be okay with salad cream. Interesting. Although honey mustard has a huge range of flavors. It's interesting to hear the thoughts of someone on your continent. Do your thoughts differ from mine? I'd have to have it again. It's been a while. It's interesting to hear the thoughts of someone on your continent. Do your thoughts differ from mine?

I'd have to have it again. It's been a while. That's fair. You know, it was funny as I ordered this and it was shipped to me from Ireland. And I went to the grocery store and it was just there. I could have went five minutes and picked one up. I had it sent to me from Ireland. I wonder if you could taste the difference between your special imported salad cream or whether you're

local. They say the Guinness tastes better in Ireland, right? Maybe the salad cream does too. That's true, though. It actually does taste really good there. What does? Guinness. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. That's where the factory is, right? Ireland? No. Yeah. That's right. This might be the first

face that I've wanted to end. Why do you want it to end? I't know just be worn out yeah to be fair i shoved the knife in his back yeah i got the knife a knife was real good yeah i got the salad cream covered knife in my back wait it's not dark yet it is not dark eric turn your lights on i uh i gotta say that when we do them back to back by about halfway through the second one i do start to get a get tired it is always your fault though that we do two back to back it is my fault that we're doing two back to back so i apologize i was ready i was able to do one next tuesday but nobody wanted to i don't think this was a bad episode it was mind-blowing. It was mind-blowing. It was a mind-blowing episode,

which I feel like is a good episode. I agree. I don't think this was bad at all. I think it was illuminating. I think it's episodes like this that give the audience a real taste of what it's been like for you and I to be friends with Andrew over these many years.

Yeah, and it wasn't even like it was a letdown. No. It was a let sideways. Yes. It was a lateral let. It's kind of what it's like to be friends with Andrew. It's a lot of lateral movement. A lot of lateral things.

Some might call it a sewing machine. Some might. I would. Oh, man. You know what else fucking sucks? I was talking about this with Andrew last night. I like what else? Yeah, well, what is the else, Jeff?

Could you please specify on what the what is, maybe? What's what now? What is the thing that sucks? What is the comparative? Oh, let me tell you that. How many fucking parallels they put in base cards these days? Oh, it's absurd. Gavin, I've been trying to collect this Peyton Pritchard rookie card,

this Prism rookie card. Do you know how many parallel, how many different versions of this one card there are? Six. 31. What, are they like different colored borders? They're different colored borders. You just described 31.

Yeah, that's it. 31. That's not interesting. Why do they do that? Because it's interesting. Because there are people like Jeff trying to buy all 31. Can you get a shiny? I gotta get all 31 flavors of this guy's fucking card,

even though he's got a bad knee. Yeah, they're all shiny. It's just a matter of how shiny. Anyway, I'm just frustrated by that because I'm not anywhere near as close as I thought I was. Okay. Got real quiet there for a second. Are you doing okay?

I don't... I didn't realize my Peyton Pritchard prison problems were a conversation killer. No, it wasn't even that. I just looked down at myself. I'm just like hot and sweaty. It's been a journey. From the salad cream test, I thought that my building was on fire an hour ago. It has been quite the back-to-back session, although I'm very happy.

Once again, I won the thing. How great is that? I can't wait to send that message. How great is it that you won the thing that you had engineered to win? Like there was any chance you weren't going to win. Do you feel good about yourself, Andrew? I feel great about how

that worked out I thought I thought you two would definitely just vote again because it's the biggest face I thought you would both do what would be the biggest face for that scenario voting me to do the 300 immediately and not even letting me play I was either gonna vote I mean obviously I was either gonna vote Jeff or you but I was thinking very heavily about voting for you I just didn't think Jeff would that's the other problem I had Gavin where I was either going to vote Jeff or you, but I was thinking very heavily about voting for you. I just didn't think Jeff would. That's the other problem I had, Gavin, where I thought if I aligned with you, you've stabbed me in the back twice.

If we have a three-way tie and I'm the only one that votes Jeff, you vote me, Jeff votes you, then you both absolutely vote me on the re-vote. So I had to. I felt it was safer to go with Jeff. And that would be my instinct for sure, but you swayed me in the 11th hour today

by convincing me that Gavin's never been f*** faced and that this was his time, which I got behind. That's not really true though, is it? Go cry in your mushroom sink. It must be so hard for you. I can't really remember any other good examples. And that's not really a f*** face.

That's just something that happened in my sink. Yeah, no shit, dude. You know where I am right now? I'm in my library. Where I wasn't for six months. Next door to a bathroom I haven't used in five weeks. Yeah, I guess it's a fair comment. Yeah.

I mean, this is hay. Now you get your shot. You got a knife in your back. That's the collectible knife. That's a fair comment. Yeah. I mean, this is, hey, now you get your shot. You got a knife in your back. That's the collectible knife. That's a 101 right there. I do enjoy that. And I feel like this went pretty well. This whole situation, I'm pretty happy with it.

I'm sure you do. You're a winner. Yeah, I mean, I've lost every burger bet we've ever done i think in this show this is the first time i've ever come out on top i don't know if calling me a winner you've lost every court case you've ever been a part of that is true every judgment's gone against you i think outside of this well no i also just like if you fade me in gambling, you're going to do so good. Yeah, I'm not. I'm not a winner. That is an uncharacter. That is not an accurate comment.

I feel like for this episode, especially, I'd love to get our producer's opinion on how this one went. I missed most of the first one, and I am more exhausted from this one than I am from our typical two shots. trusted from this one than I am from our typical two shots. Like if someone were to ask me, hey, did Andrew end up liking the salad cream? I would have to answer. I think so, but I, it's okay, but I'm not sure. It's fine. I feel like I was clearing that. Now, listen, I I'm, I'm not for the comment leavers. I've made that clear, but I'm very excited. I'm very excited to see what everyone is going to have to say about whatever this episode is, man. I don't know.

That sounds pretty pro-comment-lever, Eric. For episode 39 of F*** Face, I'll say it. I'm pro-comment-lever. So I don't know, man. This one is out there. Jeff is in big spurts of not saying anything. It is so unusual. I like that Jeff went silent for like four minutes.

We went silent for ten seconds and he was livid. Because there was still conversation flow going with you two idiots. I was silent listening. You guys were silent sticking your fucking thumbs up your ass waiting for Jeff to make people fucking laugh. God damn it. Fucking anus. I don't think I got an answer.

Would either of you have kicked a child at any point? You didn't get an answer? Oh, you poor little boy. Andrew, please, let us give you an answer. What would you like an answer on? Let us be clear and succinct so there's no ambiguity in the answer. What would you like an answer on, pal? Would you have kicked the kid?

No! No! You don't kick kids. Unless you're a kid. That's good life advice. The day you turn 18, you relinquish your ability to kick kids. So let's recap. Andrew, let's see.

We picked a card. We don't know what it is. But you and the audience have known for a week. You're way more. This is the dumbest we'll ever be about our own podcast ever, probably. This moment in time right now, the entire world is smarter about us and our lives and our podcast ever, probably. This moment in time right now, the entire world is smarter about us and our lives

and our podcast than we are. We couldn't be further from smart than this fucking moment. I have no idea what we're collecting with Don Zimmer. We don't know if Andrew liked the fucking salad dressing or not. Nobody knows.

I did. I did. I've said it so many times. We think Andrew might have been trying to admit to committing a crime, but then at the last second, he backed out and changed the narrative. Like, that's crazy. I didn't kick him.

You would have kicked him, though, right? I mean, I wouldn't have been crazy to kick him. Anybody would kick the kid, right? We would all kick the kid. Why wouldn't everybody else kick the kid? I mean, I didn't kick the kid. Obviously, Andrew kicked the kid and buried him in the woods. We got to get to the bottom of that.

What else did we cut? What else happened this week? Oh, Andrew cheated the system and he has to sign his name once. What? Oh, I didn't cheat. That was luck. Natural luck.

If podcasts could have thumbnails, this would be a nice salad on a table and then just a load of squirted out salad cream just on the floor in the street. Jeff, you don't have a porta potty, so be happy about that. That's not, hey, you don't have that. If you're a Canadian kid listening

with a footprint on your solar plexus, feel free to write in. Let us know. He's kept the sweater as evidence Does your chest have a backwards Nike swoosh on it forever? Do your friends call you Waffle Peter because there's a waffle

on your chest? Is your hip hop name name waffle p oh five stars rate rate review or whatever who cares buy a hat or don't tune in next week don't tune in next week fucking throw your computer in the river i don't know do we are the hats back on sale i asked that before are they back i don't know if they're back yet this would be a great season finale season season we're taking a two-week break sort of so in a sense tune in next week for season two. What should the cliffhanger be? We gotta end on a cliffhanger. Gotta do this

good season finale thing. That's a great idea. Here, I'll start by, I forgot, I wanted to mention to you guys, you will never believe what happened yet.