Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - Bert Kreischer (IN STUDIO): Drinking Beers & Hacking Comedy

Episode Date: January 29, 2026

The guys welcome Bert Kreischer into the studio. They cover Dana’s unhinged diet, how to drink like Bert without wrecking your next day, and how young Bert cleverly locked in job security at comedy clubs before anyone knew his name. Bert also breaks down his rules for recording a comedy special and what it actually means to “hack” comedy. And in perhaps the most important reveal of all—Bert explains how his dad knew Pete Davidson not because of SNL… but for a very different reason. You’ll want to hear that part. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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What 40s? 40s? My dad, when I was a kid, anytime you ever saw two dudes together, look at this two gay guys. And then one day, I go, do you think they're saying that about us? And he goes, oh, God, I hope not. You find out that a lot of your friends, they like you where you are. They like you where you are.

Yeah. Let's not get crazy. This is the third time I've texted you. I swear to God, if you don't reply, I'm going to come to your house, inject AIDS into you and light your house on fire and kill your fucking children. The next test. My bad. That was for my sister. All right, Dana. We had Bert Kreischer on, I think on again, right? He's been on before. It was our second time. We did it a few couple months ago. And we did it in the studio where you're sitting for flying a while.

Oh, yeah. Up close to personal. We all took our shirts off as an homage. No, I didn't. I was requested to keep mine on by a America. Yeah, I took my shirt off and you looked over and I don't want to talk out of school, but you did faint. Is that why I fainted or yeah? You fainted and Heather kind of caught you. But anyway, let's get back to Bert Kreisker, our guest. Bert Kreischer, Free Bird is the show on Netflix.

We talk about everything up and down and also the casting for the show, how he got into it, what the show is about. And it looks like a fun show. I watched some of it yesterday. So I think this is kind of what people want to hear about Bert right now. You had a nice time. I had a nice time. It's always very interesting how he and Tom Segar are friends and have their podcast,

how just smart they are just about the way to be in show business. And Bert is very humble about it. He's kind of sheepish about his stand-up, but he's a great stand-up because he kills, consistently for an hour. And he still looks pretty good with his shirt off, I'll say. Yeah, he's one of those guys that doesn't look super gross with his shirt off. Some people he see the shirt off and you go, that's not fair. It's not fair to us.

It's still fairly solid. But if you jump up and down on the stage and then there's movement for a long time, that's when you put the shirt on. The thing that surprised me about this podcast was he went pantless as well, which you don't see that. But he's got incredibly strong legs. Well, see for yourself. Here we go, guys.

Burke Kreischer. Which ones? It's a good start. You name it. Are we recording? Always recording productions. You're a cottail of Mr. Christen. Take my BPC 157 before I go to bed.

What's that one? I'm on Monjaro. I'm on testosterone. I'm on metformin. I'm on everything. Oh, good. Monjaro. Not Zep bound?

I think that's what it is, right? I don't know. It's like the trizapetide. Is it like the commercial? Oh, do they show you throwing up in shitting blood? We're all supposed to be microdosing it. I'm microdosing it. You're microdosing, okay.

Majoro. What's it doing for you? It takes your sparkle away. Okay. Well, does it take away your appetite? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing that drives you? Yeah.

I think it drives life. So everything that's fun goes away. It's incredible. It's cheap, too. It turns into a dial tone. It's a kind of dystopian. thing you go you lose the way but you got no joy in life it's kind of a what you call a classic tradeoff when does this bonjaro kick in

i think it's second hour of this podcast yeah well obviously we're both on it yeah you guys are what is it like you can't eat your entire life you can't eat taco bell every me i really i can't anymore but i will tell you i mean you can't anymore for why i do get skinny fat and uh that's no good. A lot of whispers. Dennis Miller used to call it a cash register because he goes, Spudley, I'm getting a fucking cash register here. I got NCRitis. Got spilkis and my milkus. Yeah. So we can't be, but Dana's always been pretty straight. But it's all calculated. I, for a small frame, 128 in high school, you know, I was 165. So what I started to do because I'd never weighed myself and I did Blue Thunder with James Farentino, look it up.

first time around catering for six months? Yes. I bought that at 7-11. Throwing joke, go ahead. This is good. This is why we work. It's fucking sad. Tell the story.

No, but anyway, so then I gained 20 pounds. So after that, I just weigh myself every day. That's the key. You got to weigh yourself every day. Because if you don't, that's when you can't wait. So I'm trying to live in the 140s. Don't be mad. So what I do is...

What 40s? I fuck chicks in her 140. I got stools that weigh 140 over here, you know. So what I do is I step on a digital scale. I don't punish myself. If I want to go on vacation or party, I'll bring it down a little bit. So I just, you know why? Cowardous.

I don't want to wake up and go, I got to fucking lose 30 pounds. Terrified of that. It's the worst. So just maintenance. We'll talk after the podcast. This is a little deep for, you know, for guys like me. I did the same thing. And it sounds crazy, but with like drugs, like in 90s, 2000, where.

I would take some and people go, just be careful, you don't get addicted. So I would keep drinking and drugs sort of in check because I always knew I'd have to come back to zero because you're never going to, you're not going to stay in showbus that long. I'm not talented enough to stay that long if you're a problem. So you go up and you go, oh, I took a bike in a day,

and then you go, my friend takes six a day, he's fucked up all time, it's great. And I'm like, I know, but then I got to go backwards. I can't. You know, you can always quit a little bit. It's a little easier. but if you're the more I mean you drink probably more than

drug thing but I used to drink a little more than I do now and then I had to slowly reel it in it was never super horrible but it's easier to come back to zero if you're not too far away. I've always I'm always shocked when people have like a real drinking problem

like I'm always blown away by like because I drink a lot I'm a big drinker but like when you see someone who's like shaking and then just getting into their mouth and you're like whoa. Right like It's been an hour and they need something. Yeah, you're like, that can happen. Yeah.

And like that, because I've never, or like those people that can't quit drinking, they got to go into a detox. That's always shocking for me. So can you do like two weeks hard and then you take 10 days you just don't really drink? Yeah. Or, you know, I do, I'm healthier on the road. That sounds crazy because I won't drink until, for me, it's about the witching hour. Like if I'm at home and then sun starts setting, I go, hey, let's, let's open a bottle of rosette.

doing. Again, a margarita. But if I'm on the road, I won't have my first drink until like 9.30, because I don't, I don't, I got, that's what I'm done. And if I'm doing theaters and you do two a night, I won't drink until 12.30. Do you do two shows a night? If I do a theater. Fuck. Yeah.

That's big money, but God. That's big money. I couldn't do it. Okay, I want to give you one little last health thing. We can move on to your career and stuff. The solution to pollution is dilution. Whoa. Are you talking of water?

Yeah. Dude. So if you're going to drink. So before you start drinking, yes. Before you crack that first beer or whatever, yeah. For sunset, you have 16 ounces of water.

Yeah. It's all diluted. Your whole, all your organs, liver, kidneys, yeah, before. And then during, throw a party. The effects of alcohol will be diluted and the taxiness on your body. Oh, really? So the solution to pollution is dilution. So water, water, water.

That should be a fucking shirt. What I do is, I take, I wish I had a picture of it. I take liquid deaths and I put them all on my headboard. I lined my whole headboard up with liquid deaths. Okay. And then right before I go to bed, I murder four. Whoa.

Right. But you have to get up a lot. I pay up it. Then every time I have to pee, I murder one. So I pee throughout the night. I wake up probably like four times a night, which is fine, which is fine. Yeah. It's kind of nice to wake up at two and go, ooh, it's only two.

It's better than being dehydrated. It's better wake up because you drank so much. much water. And then what I do is I take them. This is my favorite part, is I throw them in the air like a king. Wherever they land. And I hear ding, ding, ding, ding.

Who gives them? So I was doing this TV show. I was doing this TV show. Freebert. And we were in Atlanta. You're in Atlanta. We were in the fourth down in Atlanta, beautiful hotel.

My wife and I had our own rooms. It was so great. And then every night, I have all my liquid desks up on thing. And I throw them in the air. And I throw them in the air. The last day of shooting, our director, we're like, hey, did you like the hotel? He's like, yeah, but there's this guy in the middle of night just moving furniture or chains.

Oh, my God. And it was you. I go, what room are you in? He goes, 311. I go, I'm in 411. I go, can I show you what I do? And I brought him up to my room. The floor is covered in cans.

And he's like, I couldn't sleep all fucking month. Oh, my God. So you're the next night, you're like, oh, this could be so great. You're like 2001, the ape throws the phone. Oh, my friend. Fuck. Oh, yeah. So I, you didn't need my little.

little solution to... Oh, no, but I love... I'm a big proponent. I didn't start drinking water. This sounds crazy and I know that sounds like a plug for liquid death. I didn't start drinking water until liquid death. Because of the delivery system. Everything's about delivery systems in life.

Like, even comedy these days, the delivery system, I think comedy got so broad and so, so popular because the delivery system got so accessible. Meaning, you know, like the delivery system for nicotine with cigarettes for so long or chewing tobacco. And it turned people off because it was gross. The second it turned into Zins, everyone's like,

chicks are doing it. Something's cool, yeah. So what's the new delivery system? Liquid death is cool for comedy. TikTok, Instagram, podcasts. It's not just going, when you guys started, the only delivery system for comedy was either, uh, even if improv, Carson, or going to an actual comedy club. That was it. Now the delivery system is Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Netflix, HBO Max, comedy clubs theaters uh every i mean comedy is everywhere now so which is the biggest one for you if you had to pick one social media site to post stuff on oh i only i'm only paying attention to instagram i'm oh i i have a tictok but i don't touch it my team runs it uh i have youtube i've never on youtube i'm on youtube my algorithm on youtube is like said the thing i watched the most was

about uh wars and uh documentaries on history oh that's not mine What's your algorithm? His is porn. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That was that joke. He's kind of kidding. He's kind of kidding.

He's kind of kidding. He's kind of kidding. He's kind of kidding. No, I, by the way, is Instagram turning into the new Facebook? That's what I'm worried about because Facebook is for old people. I guess we're old, but not you. But we're the same age. Are we?

Yeah, 53. 30. Oh, okay. I was thinking of that driving over. I go, I kind of grew up with you. Like, I grew up with you, but you're, you're like, you're like younger than my dad, but you're like an older, older brother. Right.

Yeah, no, I'm, yeah, probably. You're 70, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, but I, but I, but I, but I, but you know how old he is? He's got to be 53. Yeah, 53. Yeah, he's 53. How old is Seguro?

I don't know, like 49, 47. He looks older than me. That's pretty good, man. This is, this guy's happy. right now why why can't you stop smiling because i'm 54 your new nickname is 503 look at that fucking watch by the way oh thank you is it a roly yeah so you're like you know watches are coming back though i don't like to flaunt do you have security with that watch i mean in l. you know i got so i'm going to be very honest good i had a i had an identity crisis at a certain point in my career

when I started making money, and I watched all my friends that were making money, not change, I don't want to say change, but become rich people. They started flying planes and driving race cars and buying cars and buying houses. And like they'd buy houses that were furnished.

I was like, what? Oh, can you do that? Yeah, they'd be like, we'll take it. Keep the furniture. Oh, keep the, like, staging furniture. Yeah, and so, and I was still the same, like just wearing T-shirts and jeans and flip-flops, wearing hats.

I wasn't spending my money on anything. I didn't care. I don't really care about cars. And one day I was sitting with a group of my friends and everyone had Rolexes on. And they were telling stories about buying each other Rolexes for gifts. And I was like, I don't know if I'm fucking Rolex.

And I was like, I should get a Rolex. I got to act like a grown-up. So I got my first Rolex and I loved it. I loved it. I would look at it. It was a submariner. I got it in Vegas. And I would look at it and would cheer me up.

And then I became a little bit of a watch guy. but I'm also not because I only buy Rolex. So I don't know anything about watches. But you're kind of tan. You got a good, thick arm, big watch. I think that's cooler. I think than a little, like, there's different ways. I think the way people always want to show a little money

when the basketball players walk in and the football players walk in the beginning. And it used to be just through the tunnel, but now it's a full fashion show. And they have like a little purse and they have like a skirt on. Yeah. You go, what happened? What's going on?

Do you remember when they were like, they were dressing up almost like, like, like, uh, like gay guys? Like, do you remember Dwayne Wade with a kind of dresses and stuff? Like it was like tight, tight pants like this and you're like. I know what? I don't know. I think they were just dressing. You know. I guess technically I'm dressed like a gay guy.

I'm sure there's a guy, gay guy wearing what I'm wearing. You're like. You're like. No, you're a guy acting like you're not gay. You're like, look, I look like Burke Kreischer. I had my dad When I was a kid Anytime you ever saw two dudes together

You're looking at these two gay guys And then one day I go Do you think they're saying that about us And he goes Oh God I hope not Yeah Every time I go to the airport

I go look at all these Burt Kreishe's here And when I was at the Barrett Jackson Car show I go it's full of burnt crissures Because it's a guy with a beard And they got a hat And they're walking through You go to my show

And everyone looks like me Yeah yeah yeah I bet I can almost You know what's crazy? I get him too. I can tell a fan of mine as they're walking towards me. I'm like, this guy's about to lose this shit. It's a mirror.

Yeah. But what's crazy is I went to Paris. Okay. And I would see guys that would be fans of mine, but they didn't know me. And I wanted to go, hey, can I turn you on to something? I think you're going to love. My whole his career. Hey, I think you're going to like this.

Because they'd have beers, they'd be big fat guys drinking beers in a bar. But you're still Netflix and stuff. Do you go overseas? Do people know you? Because I was always wondering because I would go overseas. Yeah, we do. I do, uh, Netherlands.

Oh, you do do do shows? Oh, yeah, yeah. We do a European tour. I'll do one for this tour for permission to party. We do London, you know, all of, you're all of, uh, the UK, Ireland, huge, like Ireland's the craziest. Oh, God. With the Guinness and drinking.

I mean, it was, it's, I think it's the O2 arena is what it's called. It's not the same thing. In Dublin? In Dublin? In Dublin. The version of the O2? And they. ran the show.

The Irish ran the show. Like, I got on stage with a Guinness, and I held it up in the air, and they start going, Ola, Ola, Ola, Ola, Olae, Olae. And so I would start to drink, and they go, oh, oh, shit. And then I'd be in the middle of a joke,

and then you hear, Olae, Olae, Ola, and another beer. They, I got wasted on stage, and they are the ones who basically orchestrated the show. it was now same same show tom saguerre goes and was a livid

oh yeah when I was there they were going he's gay he's gay he's gay he's gay he's gay I'm like me yeah you're the only guy up there dude you know every year David I think we can unequivocally say this we make resolutions

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every home when you drink on stage like that do you get pressure I remember well even Farley when he was everywhere we go just walk by someone

and they go hey sit out enough drink with us hey everyone's pulling even if he's 100% in rehab they want to be the guy that either broke his rehab

or got drunk so no one is a fat fuck if he's in rehab they're like no come on man just one we'll do shots and he was such people please

or he would do him so you must get people a want to drink with you when you're just out and be on stage Do they send you drinks? Do you have to drink on stage every time? Like, I won't drink anything that's sent to me now.

Oh, right. It is weird. Yeah. But I always have a drink with me on stage. I usually bring a coffee and a porosos and soda on stage, but I won't touch the cocktail until I start the machine store at the end of the show. Oh, okay. And so, because I'm working on something. It's like, you know, it is hard.

You have to have a sharp clear head. When I did clubs, they would send drinks. nonstop. And my thing, when I was doing clubs, I never had, I never felt like I had job security. And I never really sold tickets until, like, later. And so back in the day, if they sent drinks, I knew that that would get them drinking. And I knew David Tell one time told me, he goes, where were you? And I said, last stop, Houston. He goes, how were the bar sales? And I went. Yeah, that's the part you don't think of it. Oh, because they look at that. Yeah. And he goes, I don't know. And he goes, let me tell you something about Houston. That guy doesn't

know comedy. But what he does do is he checks the bar tabs every night. And if your bar sales are bigger than the next guys, you're definitely coming back. Yeah, that's smart. So I would bring six pack of Eichens on stage when I did clubs. I'd bring a six pack and I'd drink and I'd do shots and and I'd and then what I, this was the key. This was like job security 101. I was in Chicago and I was in Tony Baldino club, Schaumburg and I, and I, and I said,

I said, you know, how much, do you make money if I bring people at, at the bar after, and stick around and drink and he goes, oh yeah. So I started telling people, hey, after the show, don't leave. We're going to drink at the bar. I'll do a meet and greet, but we can hang out when you take pictures. Very smart. And then I would say, and then I started coming up with gambling games, where I'd go, all right, game of chance. We got a ball, first person to put it into the trash can from across the room.

It's a $20 buy-in, $1 rebys, let's go. And like, a hundred guys would stay. The pot would be $2,000. In the bar? In the bar. After the show. And we'd stay until four in the show. morning and time the second I did that I was it was like bar comedy clubs were dying to have

yeah and then I did I mean this was all like I gotta be a honest like it was a workaround because I was so insecure that I wasn't as good as like a bill burr or a David tell or David spade or Dana Carvey I was always like because I took my shirt off I'm a party guy I would do this thing called the waitstaff raffle I mean clubs fucking loved me I would take, I would say at the end of the show, I'd say, hey, I'm going to pass around a hat. Whatever change you have, throw it in, dollar, $20, whatever. And then we're going to pick one name out of the wait staff

and we gave that person the money. It's going to change our lives. The first person we did it to, the girl goes in Jersey, because I got like a $100 bonus. And I was like, I could give it $10 to everyone or just give $100 to $1. So I put $100 in. We collect $633 on one show, and the first time I did it.

And the girl comes up and she starts crying. She's pregnant. And she goes, I get to buy the good car seat now. And everyone's like, oh, my God. I got the best one. This was the best one. She said, I get to have the baby now. We're in Lexington and Kentucky.

Now, stereotypically, you never wanted a black dude to win because. Okay. Explain that. Because they didn't show emotion. You wanted the person to receive the thing. No. Black guys were always like, cool. Okay.

One guy was like, I'm gonna get sneakers and you're like, oh, no, we feel like we wasted our money. We gotta cast a win. Who goes the most crazy? You wanted a black chick to win? Always, they always would, oh, they had, they could, and then you go white chick, or any ethnicity, then white chick. Yeah.

Then white dude, last was black dude. You never wanted a black dude to win. Shit. So this guy, I wish I could remember his name. I'm not gonna guess. He went. He gets. I think I know.

Laverteeus or something. Yeah. I pull his name, Kevin, I think, I don't think his name is Kevin. I pull his name and he comes up and he's like this. It's like, cool. Okay. And it was like $700. And I go, so what are you going to spend the money on?

He's like, I'm good, man. And I was like, what are you going to spend the money on? And I go, you seem emotional. He starts to tear up and I see it in his eye and he goes, next week is my little girl's birthday. And now I get to be the father she thinks I have. I am. I start crying.

He goes, she wanted a party. I couldn't throw a party. Now I can throw a party. And I could buy a present. And I was like, and everyone started opening their wallets and walking up and giving him money. And he's sobbing. I'm sobbing. The whole room sobbing.

I'm like, wow, I tell that. Right? I tell that to the waitstaff, the next place I'm in Pittsburgh. Guy wins. He comes up on stage and he's crying. And I go, you seem emotionally. He goes, my son has cancer. I'm like, oh my God.

It was this Christmas. It's going to be hard on our family. Now I can bring my family in so they can all spend his last Christmas together. And we're like, holy shit, everyone comes up. Guy walked with like three grand. I get done the show. He comes in the green room. He goes, and the Oscar goes to.

Oh, right. What a day. And then I stopped doing it. I was like, I can't do this. This sucks. But yeah, the black dude was the best. The black dude was the best. I almost gave him money.

I'm going to go. I'm God's back. I don't know of any. stand-up that has done this. That's fascinating. I was like... Anybody. It was any opportunity to do anything to help.

It just helps the show. It was like, I don't know, you always tried to tip the weight staff big. Sure, sure, sure, sure. And so, like, I don't know. I also, I think once... And this was, I think I always had insecurity about my stand-up. Because I didn't know why people were coming to see me, you know? Like, I was like...

Mm-hmm. Like, I know I'm a good storyteller, and I know I'm a good comic. I was always fun on stage. But, like, I never got it. nominated for a Golden Globe or like an Emmy or any of that shit for my stand-up. And I always thought my specials are good. They track well. They do well on Netflix.

I mean, they get big numbers. But even when I say that, I kind of cheat-coded the system. Like, I heard two people saying that people only watched 30 minutes of their special. And then Netflix said they only watched the first 30 minutes. That's why we're doing 30 minutes. If that, at the most. So on Secret Time, I took my closer and I put it at 22 minutes. I was like, if they're not gonna,

I'm not gonna put my best joke at the end when no one hears it. Yeah, when you're not watching. So true. Yeah. And then I took everything and I front loaded it. Yeah. In secret time, the first 30 minutes go by so quick

because it's, I skinned everything up, crammed it up. And then it turns out people, like Robbie called and he was like, your retention rate was like 97%. 97% of the people that watched your special, watch the whole fucking thing. And I was like, oh yeah. Because they're locked in.

Next time I go, I cheat code it. And I put my clothes are at 22, and he was like, what? Yeah. Because it is, when I went into the inner sanctum with Netflix, they gave me that metric. I go, I would have done the whole thing different. Oh, yeah. Because it's like you're doing a set. And if you're not holding them, the audience is slowly starting to leave.

Say you're in a big room. They're leaving. And you've got to get to this certain, you know, time where they're still there. So you would reorientate. I don't know. I'm going to call that clever, smart. I don't know. What do you call that mindset that you have?

have to go curiosity about how to hack things or how to win basically, right? I think, I've gotten compliments from business people on the way I've done my career. But you know, you always want to be, you know, Sandler, who doesn't look like he tries.

Doesn't look like he tries. Doesn't look like he tries, never stops working. Yeah. Like, you want to be like, and beloved by everyone, everything he does is the best thing anyone's ever fucking seen. You know, like, you want to be like a tell. not, I mean, or Chappelle, they're just geniuses. For me, I was like, I think I gotta do a little extra

to get to genius. Like, I'll give you a perfect example. I put my tour, I put my, my first, like, big tour on sale in theaters. And they were like, and like, I, fucking agents calling me. I mean, people we know, you're wrong. Not my agent, but you're wrong. You're not ready for theaters. You're not, you're going to not, you're going to ruin your career.

And I was terrified. So I took $1,200 and I did a dance video. And I got this professional dancer to teach me a dance, and I did a dance video, and then I released my tour days on the side. And I started promoting myself. So you're dancing in the margin of the video and the things are coming down. And what are you doing, Dan? What are you wearing?

What are you? Is it just? Speedo, high tops. Oh, okay. High tops. So it's a little bit of Chris Farley vibes in it. Oh yeah, and I did I did promo videos I like I never thought I could just put tickets on sale I thought you got I got a I got to bring the razzle dazzle I got a marching band I paid a marching

band like $2,400 to come to my backyard and play rubber bandman to do a promo. Great song. That's the only song they all knew. It's a toe tapper. I had no plans. I just brought them over. I was like, I was like do you guys know a song? And they're like, what do you guys know?

And then one guy goes, I know rubber band, man. And everyone goes, I know rubber band, man. I was like, cool. So I sat him around my pool. I was in my, it looked like a regular promo read. And I was like, I got a big announcement. And I blow a whistle. And then the drum guy comes out behind me from my, from my, like, in my backyard.

And then I reveal the band and we start dancing. But like, I always, I guess you could call it smart. I know that I've had companies come to me to use that side of my brain. But I was, I mean, I just, you know, I always felt like I was, jeeons. decoding it. Yeah, yeah, you're trying to catch up. When you were playing the Santa Barbara Bowl, I saw a flyer, and it did, the flyer, it I don't know, as guest stars or whatever, felt like an event and a party and more than

a regular, just one guy with a mic talking, you know? Like Nitro Circus used to be with Travis, just like, it's like, oh, this is an event more than just, let's just go watch stand-up. Like, it's like, I tried to get you to do the, fully loaded with me. The bus tour, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what it was is it's, you know, it was a heavy lift for me because I have all these great comics. I mean, you look at the list of comics that have done fully loaded.

It's the best comics in the world. Shane Gillis, Big J. O'Gerson, Stavi. I mean, it's the best comics in the world. And I did some crazy, crazy event. We were the first people to ever do stand-up at the Gorge, 35,000 people. I mean, it was crazy. It was crazy. And I loved the challenge.

I loved the heavy lift. I loved. You know, jelly roll came out and tour with us. We had Marcus King. I mean, it's just wild, wild events. And then, but I didn't realize, like, I was so ambitious and so proud of my ambition and what I could do that I didn't realize

how many comics I was alienating, like, because not everyone was invited. And I, one night, we were doing the tennis arena where they used to hold the U.S. Open in Long Island. They have it. It's a stage. It's an outdoor venue. It's beautiful.

And someone came up to me and they said, why did you do this? Like, can you believe you did this? And I said, yeah, I can't believe. And they go, what do you mean? And I said, well, I did it because I don't think I would have ever been invited to do it. Like, no one was going to, I never got invited to Montreal or Aspen or I never got, I never got on the oddball.

I never got invited to do that. Oddball Tour. I've never done, I've never been invited to do anything. Ever, ever. Like, that's a. Like, that's crazy. I've been successful for 27 years, and I've never been invited to do anything.

So I just had to create them to do them. And then as I said that I realized, oh my God, I am doing two other comics what we've done to me. Yeah, it's just the way it is it? Do you still feel like you're the underdog? 100%. It's just part of your brain.

I never feel, yeah, yeah, I think that's the thing that drives me. I have a very punitive brain. Do better, Bert. Do better. Oh, yeah. Is it mean puny? Pune?

Yeah, probably. Like, I'm just very rough on myself. Like, this morning I was like, this morning I got up, a party last night, smoked a cigar, watched the new Sandler George Clooney movie, which is fucking amazing. All right, Jay Kelly. It's so fucking good. It shouldn't be that good. Those two on the cover, you're like, as a viewer, you're like, this, the two guys phoning

it in. They wanted to spend time together. They both wanted to go to Rome. spend some time with their families, bring the boys out, play a little golf. It's so fucking good. It's George Clooney brought his fucking A game. Like, I'm not saying that he hasn't always, but he, you know, sometimes. Great director, too.

Well, you get. Noah Birnbach. Yeah, I know. And, you know, Adam and Clooney probably get the pick of the litter of all scripts. So especially each one does and then put them together. Yeah, great director. But sometimes that doesn't work. When I saw the trailer, I thought, yeah, they're in the pocket.

When I saw like 10 seconds. He's already up for awards. I literally, you know, you sit back and you're like, I saw the Clooney Brad Pitt won. Oh, Wolf's. Yeah, it was okay. It was good. It was funny, but I'm like, yeah, you're Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Yeah.

Come on. The bar is hot. Well, I couldn't, with Wolf, I wasn't quite sure. They're just cool dudes and there's a crime. This one is very specific, you know, just like he's an old, you know, and Clooney playing a version of himself in a way. And then Sandler being the manager. I just saw immediately because that's part of Sandler's

personality. Different move for Sandler's good. How you doing, man? How you doing? You all right, Carvey? You know, it's kind of, and I don't know. I've only creeped him out. Oh, yeah.

You've only creeped him out? Where you came up to him or something? No, no, no. It was the worst interview. You called me the next day and you're like, because I was worried about it. It was during the pandemic and I did that interview and I was like.

Yes. I remember this movie, movie Beautiful Gems or something. Yeah, yeah, I remember that. You showed me that video. I was like, I showed my daughter's Happy Madison the other day and he was like, did you? I was like, they loved it.

He was like. Oh, Happy Gilmore? Yeah, yeah. I called it Happy Madison. And then I was like, hey, do you have Netflix? Jesus, I have a $250 million deal. He didn't say that, but that's in hindsight. Yeah, Sandler is.

Well, I doubt he would hold that against you. I don't think so. Yeah. He's going a million miles second. Yeah, anytime it's an unintentional thing, it's fine. Like anybody, you're not after him. Plus, your comics, he likes that. Yeah.

So you got rich and famous, okay? At a given point, then that was just for sure. Bird is rich, bird is famous. How did it affect relationships with people? Oh, that's a great end question. I realized not everyone was rooting for me. It's pulling for you, yeah. We all find that all along the way.

You find out that a lot of your friends... They like you where you are. They like you where you are. Yeah. Let's not get crazy. Don't go nuts. That's quite enough. That's quite enough.

How did that manifest itself? Just a little sly things, little digs kind of backstage or whatever. Oh, yeah. Oh, it was like, it was crazy. I... It was crazy. I don't know the right way to say. without bringing up old dramas.

But like it was, it was, it was, it was, just curious, or friends or family. I mean, family, everyone. Family, family stuff. Oh, my family all didn't, was disconnected. I don't think they had any idea what was happening. Rogan and Tom were the two people that were like cheering for me. They were like legit.

Yeah, that would make sense. Rogan would be like, he was like, you're not here by mistake. And he's like, you've earned this. It's good to hear. You know. But yeah, I realized there were a lot of people that liked me when I was. I was below them and they didn't like me when I blew up. And the lesson I learned was because, dude, like I broke ticket sales.

I broke a lot of people's ticket sales. And I thought they would be like. Hey, cool. Yeah. They didn't like it. I could see that one coming. Yeah. And then what's interesting is I got to call one day from Shane Gillis.

And he was like, hey, do you remember when we work? at the Celebrity Arena in Arizona. And I said, yeah, he goes, you did the record beer sales. And I said, yeah, and he goes, guess who just broke it? And I, at that moment, I went, oh, I need to be what I always wanted everyone to be for me. And I was like, dude, fucking, you're the man. And like, and for Shane, he's doing Lincoln Financial, the day I heard about it, I text him. I want everyone to succeed.

I don't care. I have no competition in me. I literally, like, my competition's within myself. And what can I do? It is my race. And no one can affect me other than me. And I can be inspired by shit. Shane does.

Like, tires, fucking, I loved tires. When I got Greenland for Free Bird, I called Shane. And I was like, dude, I'm nervous. And he's like, dude, you're going to kill it. And I was like, I may lean on you a little bit in production of like shit, because I don't know. And when Tommy's bad ideas came out, bad thoughts came out. Oh, yeah, Tom's. fucking loved it. And I called Tommy. I go, this looks amazing. You can, he's a great actor.

So yeah, I think the pullback, the takeaway was I was bummed that not everyone loved me the way I wanted them to love me. So I just loved everyone as they succeeded. Yeah. It is hard. I mean, it's a jealous business and personal struggles. My family was always cool about it, but there's people on the outside are friends or sort of friends. Yeah, you have to forgive the 10-year-old boy inside you. Yeah. It's a little like, oh, like Toy Story. There's a new shiny object in town.

And I've always said this, that the reason there's a class clown, he was a class clown, they were a class clown. It's never plural. Because if there were two class clowns, one class clown would kill the other class clown. You know, so this is just childlike drive. And you just sort of put it in your head and go, oh, silly me, you know, but your attitude's perfect. Yeah.

Just. Well, I heard you say one time, or maybe I read something you said. when you you said something to the effect of you had friends who who were terrified of losing heat or something. In fact, it was something, someone asked you, why aren't you doing more movies? And you're like, why don't need it? Or I forget what you said. But maybe I'll just ask you, like, when you stopped, you were like, I'm done. I'm going to hang out with my family.

Like, did you have friends that were like, I don't want to lose? the heat. I don't want to lose the... Oh, like my friend... Oh, yeah, that's a definite thing of worry of comedians or entertainers. Are there anybody that I'm less hot? Yeah. And Lorne Michael's quote was, the miniature hot, you can feel yourself getting less hot. Gross. But I swear to God, I have a... I'm from the other era of romance, and in some ways it's

hurt me. I was, you know, Bob Dylan and the Beatles, and it's all about the work. It's all about the work. And we were not allowed to do any commercials when I was on SNL. And even in the 90s, I turned down at least 100 million in commercials, just like you're not supposed to. It's artistic. Oh, yeah. It's not about being hot or famous or wealthy. It's about doing work that destroys people. It's very naive, and I regret all of it.

My dad, my dad, this Thanksgiving, my dad, this Thanksgiving, he couldn't stop talking about Pete Davidson. He's in love with Pete Davidson. You're dad, okay. And he's like, God, this guy, Bert, did you see him? on Seth Myers. He looks great, first of all, sober, sober. He was getting all his tattoos,

tats are removed. And I was like, really? And I go, do you, do you like his stand-up? He goes, he does stand-up? I go, what do you, where did you find for? I love his Capital One commercials.

Oh. And I was like, for really? The guy's fucking good. You know, he dated Kim Carter. My dad's a fan, a fan. If he met Pete Davidson, the way, same way my dad loves Bill Burr. He loves him.

Yeah, for sure. Get that. And my dad, like, he loves Rogan. When he met Rogan, he was like, oh. Yeah. He's so jacked. You know, my dad's like an old school 1950s celebrity guy. Like, he likes, like, if he's seen you on something, he can't believe you.

Then he pulls you aside. But, you know, Rogan's not as tall as I thought he'd be. And you're like, yeah, don't bring that up to him. It's not, it's fun when you, someone like that's a fan of everybody. It's like, that's exactly what you want. someone to be like yeah it's like I didn't bring my assistant today so I was like don't I love you guys like this is like a treat for me yeah anytime it's comics here it's easier and fun and not as much prep I'll say a quick thing when I was my high school reunion um one story was a guy was well

Julie Bowen was back in town we were dating and she goes do anybody go with you and I said let's just yeah it'll be funny so we walked in and we wore a tag we said oh that's right ben and jalo so we walk in and the first guy he goes you think you're fucking ben afleck and i go all right well this wasn't a great idea and then the night before the party i was it with like seven guys i was pretty tight with and we're all getting in a car to go to another bar the night before the thing and it was only it's probably the 10 year reunion and one guy kind of stayed behind like this and he's all fucked up and he goes i go hey you're coming let's go and he goes, all these people like, oh, David Spade, he must have been so funny. I'm like, he wasn't

funny. He's a fucking kind of an idiot. And I go, all right, I'm going to get in the car if you guys want to meet there. And he just sat there and I was like, he couldn't wait to just say, fuck you, dude. And the other guys were all cool. And, you know, and those scenarios are kind of weird because you don't want to act like you're trying to big time because I do wear nine watches. And they're all Rolexes. And I go, this is just what fucking people do. One time I did, I did have a leather jacket and I went back to my own comedy club and it was $400. It was the most I've ever spent and it looked like Fonzie. It was actually more like a dice one.

And I thought it was so cool and it was too big and it was too heavy. And I have a bad neck. And so I'm sort of hunched over and it's hurting me but I have to be cool. So I walk in and I'm like, nice jacket dip shit. I'm like, everyone's changed. Yeah, I changed. And it was the only time that the guy changed. And I was blaming everyone.

I go, everyone's so weird. They can't deal with a $400, Jack. I was like, shut up. It was kind of funny. I was just in high school. I was just, no girls, nothing. We were in the track team. And I knew like three people, 550 in my senior class.

10th, I didn't go. So it's the 20th. And I'm at my peak. Wayne's world's out. Everything's crazy. So I just kind of half joking. They got in contact me. I go, I just, I want a helicopter.

And I want to come in. on the helicopter and come off the helicopter. I was kind of kidding, but sort of, so, but I ended up not going, and I found out that they hired someone to dress up as Garth, and then they're all in the gym, and hey, look, Wayne's World,

Garth is here, and he did a little dance and stuff. That was for my 20th, but I wasn't there. Oh, that would be fucking, I really took as you said that. I was like, I was doing so good last year, I went to other people's high school unions. That's fun. Just for adoration.

The thing I love about our job, like, is like a, like, just coming up with the dumbest fucking thing. And I was gonna do this bit. I found, you know, you know, Q-tips come in that blue little thing. I was gonna pull it out in the middle and just start cleaning my ears.

Because people do that with toothpicks all the time. And then go, oh, do you want? But I don't know why, I just love the idea that there's no. My friends don't have that. My friends are married to a bunch of rules. Like, I got, it's, I can't text with, like, my old high school friends because it's, I don't know, there's not the freedom, you know? What do you mean?

Like, I don't know. It's like, I think when you're untethered to society and you can text wild shit to people. Like, you can't do that with everyone. Oh, I have someone told me to tone it down. Yeah. Because I say, like, we talked in high school and they're like, dude, fuck for a lot. I got the kids here. I'm like, are they reading your phone?

Just don't read it out loud. You can handle this. You can handle it. Yeah. I've been on text change or email change. They go sideways. They're going, I mean, they're going really downtown. Really like if this gets out, I'm in trouble.

Yeah. Get off the chain. But I get it when someone says the most foul thing you're not supposed to say. The joke is that they're saying it. It's like dead baby jokes in the olden times. Todd Glass is the best. Have you ever read? Yeah, of my text

from Todd Glass are my favorite texts Yeah, could they would be In the world I cannot tell you Hey, this is the third time I've texted you I swear to God

If you don't reply I'm gonna come to your house Inject AIDS into you And light your house on fire And kill your fucking children The next test, my bad That was for my sister Yeah, he does leave good voice mail

Do you know he did last podcast? First of all Talk Glass is the funny man alive. Taglass and Mike Gibbons. You know Mike Gibbons? I know Mike Gibbons. Mike Gibbons made me laugh yesterday harder than anyone's made me laugh.

I was talking about how Frankenstein was a really long movie. The new one. The new one. Have you seen it? No. Okay. And he goes, yeah. And you got to watch the movie, but he goes, the first 10 minutes is great.

Frankenstein's coming after Victor. And then Victor gets on this boat and then tells a fucking two-hour story about his childhood. And he's like, talk about the fucking monster. What about the monster? But Todd Glass came to my house. Todd Glass came to my house. And he, first and foremost, he orchestrates your podcast. Like, you're not having a podcast with him.

He is running a podcast. Oh, yeah. He brings a lantern, an oil-filled lantern. He lights it, lowers the lights, burns a pine cones, so it feels like we're camping. Yeah. Lights are dark. Has the, has the, my assistant hit the lights every now and then, so it feels like lightning, turns the TV into a window, so we're looking.

So he does a whole thing like we're camping. camping. Yeah, he comes and stages it. And at the end, I say, if you want anything edited it out, let me know. And he goes, I'm going to want things edited in. And then sent a list of things he wanted edited in. Can you edit this in? To my fucking pot. No one watched it. No one watched the podcast. Because

we didn't talk about, you know, fucking politics. But God damn it was so funny. Yeah, Todd did the, you'd go on the road together. And he would go and we'd get to the greener when he goes And one was example as you just talked about, what's outside of Chicago, Schaumburg? Shamburg. Great club.

And he goes, do you like it? We walk in, he goes, I want you to see the green room. And I go, oh, and I go, yeah, a couch chair. He goes, David, there was a fan back there. And I go, where is it? And he goes, well, I came before the show and set this whole, this is me. And I go, you fixed up the green room?

And he goes, there was like a rusty, it's just a bad look. And then dim the lights. They didn't, they weren't on dimmers. So he did, we got a little bit, we got some, and he did the whole thing. And I go, Todd, I swear to God, I would not have noticed one thing. I'm glad you did it. No, this is a green room.

We don't expect miracles. And then he does the same thing. Anything he does with me, he goes, call my phone when he had a podcast. I don't know if he still does. He was one of the first. He was one of the first. It's the hardest ever last. Him in Roy Schovo, yeah.

Reenacting the Red, Red Fox intro with Billy Crystal. You ever heard that? Oh, no, you had to refer this. That's one. Is that where? Hold on, you know that, so hold on, I can't believe I'm telling you this story. So Billy Crystal is young and he's opening for Red Fox

and they're in Vegas. I think I, is right, so I think I've heard, but I wanna hear it. And he goes, they go listen, Red's gambling and he's drinking, so we might be running late, you're gonna need to stretch, if we need you, we'll let you know. So Billy Crystal does his 10 minutes, looks at the side, they're like, stretch.

So he does 20 minutes and they're like, stretch. At 45 minutes, they're still like stress. And he's like, people are getting up and leaving. He's in an hour and 15, there's maybe, from the crowd of six, There's a hundred and thirty five people maybe maybe maybe 75 people in there and he looks to the side and now if you're gonna go he's here wrap it up So he's like all right ladies and gentlemen the man of the hour the man you've been waiting to see He's uh you might know him from Sanford and son but there's a

Ladies and gentlemen Red fox and the band goes Dun dun dunn don't ban on Sanford Don't Don't da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Red fox has somebody goes fuck this I ain't performing for 75 people walks off the band goes dun They go, fuck it, we're getting paid. Well, that's so.

They play the song on. Yeah, they play the old song on, and then they just go right into it. That's his closer. There's so many comics that are fucking hilarious that are... That are funnier than all of us. That you don't know. They're not famous. Andy Kindler, remember him?

Yes. Do you remember he would do State of the Union? Remember, he would do State of the Union in comedy at Montreal? Yeah, and what was he, would he do in it? He would basically roast the state of comedy. Right. And it was, and you would hope to be in it. You'd be hoped to be in it.

And he'd just destroy, ah, he hated Louis C.K. He hated, before allegations, he hated Louis CK. And he'd quote his act. But everyone would show up to watch him roast comedy. That was the one time I went to Montreal. And it didn't really pay. off back then. It pays off now. Different things pay off now from different things get picked up. I was watching Kathleen Madigan special last night. Yeah.

It's so good. She is so talented. She's one of those people. My mom will send me clips of her. My mom's obsessed with Kathleen Madigan. And her material is she's this, it's, it's, it's, it's, I don't think enough young comics are working on finding their voice as opposed to getting clicks and selling tickets. Just the wording, just the phrasing, just the way, if you see a good comic and it's so thought out that it looks effortless, and you go, oh my God, it's like a song,

you go, oh, that's exactly perfectly done. Yeah. Yeah. Like Kathleen Madigan, Jackie Cation, Jackie Cation's, her, talking about her family. I love when a comic talks about their family And because you don't have to be related to that family

to understand the thing. Kathleen Madigan has a joke about going to Target with her target with her mom and her saying she had a headache and her mom pulls out a pill and she goes, here, take this. And then Kathleen takes it. She goes, wait, wait, not that one.

She goes, mom, what did I just take? She goes, I don't know, what did it look like? She goes, I don't know, I took it. But like, that developing your voice is the important part of comedy. It's not selling tickets. And selling tickets is important. This is important, but when you have, like,

and that's something that when I started was like, I just wanna do it long enough to find my voice. You don't find your voice for like 10 years. I don't think you find your voice till you're 40. I think authenticity now, because social media, I think that's part of what your appeal is the people, they know you. They feel like they really know you.

Oh, I overshared. I overshare. Like I way overshared. Do you feel like you told too much? But isn't that part of it? I mean, it's being very important. vulnerable like that. I go like this.

I think we know the answer. Because I watched the first bits on your last two specials. And one was you lost weight so you could see yourself getting blown. You were kind of disappointed. That was your opener. I was shocked. It's very, very vulnerable. The first time I saw her suck my dick, I went, oh.

This is what you deal with. This is crazy. So I'm like, this guy's being. And then the other one, razzle-dazzle was about ass hair being all intertwined. That was your opener. So that's so, okay. Open with your clothes. We talk about cheat codes.

Yeah. Get them not to turn away. I mean, more people should hear this. The first words out of your mouth. It's a TikTok. Don't let them skip. We're talking algorithms. We're not talking about algorithms.

We're not talking about algorithms. You got to hit minute to minute. When I did mine, I go, I don't want to do the walkout. I'm giving them a chance to get lost. Shout out to Norm McDonald. You fucking go, hello. You walk it. They go, ladies gentlemen, or you just start with a cold open, anything.

I can almost do the What did I'm doing? I can almost do my opening jokes from all my specials. Secret time is I said guys we're just going to get drunk and tell secrets. Secret time, sometimes I drive my asshole on the bed. Secret time.

Secret time, sometimes I spit on the toilet paper wipe my ass called Mississippi Wet Wipe Secret Time. Those are the first two. Then it was Secret Time. I took a shit so big the other day that I took his shit so bad the other day I made the guy in the stall next to me throw up. And we were in Japan, so I thought he was talking to me.

He was like, oh, yeah. So I could, but I was like, but then people go, what's this about? What is your overall point? I want to hear this. But it's, I watch people do a three to five minutes sketch and I go, that's not why I'm here. No offense. Some are very good. Some are very good.

But I'm not there for the sketch. I want to see your stand up. Right. I also don't give a fuck what city you filmed it in. I don't care. No. I can't tell. They don't care.

It's, you're not. The biggest mistake I watched, and by the way, I watch everyone's fucking special. I mean, I watch every special because I want to see what's happening and what people are doing because I don't want to do the same type of shit.

I've watched people talk about the city they're in. I love this city. This is a great city. You're not making the special for the people in the room. You're making it for the people there. Right. I said Denver and mine.

Because I said Denver. I'm such a fucking loser. I said, I did a joke, and then I said Denver. I said, it's true about the altitude. Does it make you pee? Because last night, I peed so far. I couldn't clear the bed. It was some, what did I say?

What? It was some. I think from the bed you peed into the bathroom. Oh, I said if the altitude makes you pee because, whatever. Anyway, it wasn't even that funny. I couldn't make sense. But it was just a joke. But you didn't really have to know the city.

But a lot of people do five minutes on the city. And I'm like, we're not here for the crowdwork of the city. The crowd work. Yeah. You can, like, what I've done, I did this in Cleveland on Hey, Big Boy. All these specials. Razzle, dazzle, hey, big boy. It was on Ruten Tunes.

Routon. Routon Tudon is a great one. Hold on. Hold on. I might call my next special Routon Tudon. Routon is great. Root and Tudon is fucking brilliant. Yeah.

That's a great title. And you got. beer cans in your oyster. Oh yeah, that is fucking hysterical. What I've done sometimes is because I can, Cleveland for whatever reason, my opening joke, and I can't remember what it is right now, but wasn't popping the way I wanted it to.

Hey, Cleveland. So what I, but I knew the joke was funny, but for some reason it wasn't working. So I went out and I made a joke about Cleveland, I edited it out and then started with that first joke, and it worked. And it was a, it's a city joke. I go, Cleveland, you gotta love,

A city like Cleveland where the people in the city define this city. There's no cities like that where they make up this city. And they start cheering. I go, no, I mean, there's a couple. You've got Rwanda, Belfast. But yeah. And then the other thing is like, you know, I don't know. I've watched, I've just watched enough specials like,

but Dave Chappelle's my favorite. I was going to ask you who you think is the current goad. Dave Chappelle, in my opinion, uh, is, he does zero wrong in my opinion. I, and I know that that's, not everyone agrees with that,

you know, but like zero wrong. When he, he, he told the joke about hanging out with Jim Carrey, a man on the moon, you've heard that.

Yeah. And he goes, he goes, he goes, that's what I feel like when I talk to, he's in character. I think it's talking to do it.

I like, you kind of faded out there. Trans people. There you go. That joke is brilliant. His kicker in the pussy jokes my favorite joke I've ever heard. Is what?

Kick her in the pussy. He goes, I'm so dope. He goes, I don't even need to do this. I'm so dope. I challenge myself. I have a fish bowl. And I pull it out sometimes. And I just read the punchline.

And then I got to write a joke about it. I pulled out this morning and said, kick her in the pussy. And then he misdirects goes into a story about growing up around white people and what it's like to eat dinner at a white person's house. And they're making hamburger helper. And David, I need you to set the table. He goes in the bathroom. He doesn't want to set the table.

The mom opens the door and goes, David, I apologize. But if you're not going to help, then you can't eat it. And he goes, they were talking about hamburger helper. So I kicked her in the pussy. I told you. And like, it's my favorite. I, like, right before I did, Lucky. Is that another one?

Yeah, there's another one. Right before I did Lucky. I was like, yo, I was with Chappelle in Ohio. And we're partying. We're having a good time. We're just talking shit. it's just me and him and like maybe Tony Woods

might have been there and like some other like a couple some of comments touring with me and we're just bullshitting and I go hey man I hate that I'm gonna do this to you

but like I gotta talk comedy I was like you're my opinion the greatest ever do it I was like give me the secret to how you make a special and he like looks around

lights a cigarette and he's like all right here we go and I'm like yeah boy and I just sat there and I was like oh my God

and so when I shot Lucky I did six, I shot six shows. Oh, you did? Six? Oh, I do. I do eight if I could. I do, I was going to ask you about that too, because I think it is an advantage. Because then you're not really shooting a special in a way. You're just doing another set.

But if you ever done one where it was you had one night only, one time only? It's not the stress of war. When I did Secret Time, I did two shows. And by the way, I had sold six at the truck, But, you know, it was two shows. I'll give you all the real numbers so that I think this is interesting. It's expensive to shoot a couple of hours. At the time to shoot lucky.

I spend way more now on a special. But it was $325,000, $350,000 to shoot secret time. Was that one night? One night, two shows. One night, two shows. First show, the power goes out. They have to hold the audience outside. A thunderstorm rolls in.

They're soaking wet. The beer thing clogs up, and they're miserable, and we're in Philadelphia, and I fucking bomb. With a fine-tuned, I bomb. I mean, to the point where at one point, I was walking, and I stepped on the mic cord, and I pulled the mic away from my mouth, like I went, and the punchline's this, and I went, God damn it. Right at the punchline.

And my wife is always executive produces everything I do, because she's pretty intimate with my material. and I told her, I said, any flubs just write them down. I'm sitting in the green room after that first show with my producer, Tony Hernandez, who's like, hey, we got one in the can.

There's a lot of good stuff. That's the first thing they always say. Oh, they always say, this is gravy. You're playing with house money. You got this. Leanne walks in and goes, done.

I go, were there any flubs? She goes, honey, that was shit. Yeah. She says, I don't know what to tell you. Unusable. She goes, you know, because I've always, I love pressure. I love pressure.

I love pressure. And she goes, you always say you like pressure. Well, big boy, it's on you now. You better, you better not fuck up this next one. And my buddy Tony's like, Jesus Christ, he's like,

you want to do a, should we do a shot? I don't ever really drink before I go on stage, like I never I'm gonna have, but I don't per, if I'm especially I'm doing a special. Special. So I was like, no. And then Tony is like very wise. He goes, maybe we should get like a cup of coffee. So I get a cup of coffee. I go out and I do the second show and I have, what I

can only say is I can quantify it as one of the five best sets of my life. And I walked away and I was like, I will never do two shows again. I will never do two shows. Too much stress. I go to the next one. I say, Tony, what does four shows cost?

He does math. He goes 50 grand more. I went, what? Oh, I didn't know that. You've already got all the fucking shit. Just like housing everybody. Yeah. He goes 50 or more.

I go Cleveland. Let's shoot four in Cleveland for, hey, big boy. And they're like, great. We do four. One of the shows, I have mustard on my pants. Right. Oh, you can't use it. I go, who the fuck?

That's the name of your next special. No one told you about matching. No one told me. I go, well, how did I get mustard my pants? Lian's like, you said you wanted hot dogs. And I was like, but why wouldn't? Because it was on your dick. Yeah, and then, and like, so I go, and by the way, I bomb the first, what you don't realize.

And when you shoot a special, and this is like really in the weeds. That first show you do is kind of unusable, meaning all the cameramen and the director haven't seen the hour. They don't know what they're shooting. The second show, they're kind of dialed in a little more. By the third show, so that real fourth show, everyone knows. It's like rehearsal. Yeah, it's rehearsal. So then the next year I go, I'm doing fucking six shows.

I think I had four for razzle-dazzle, maybe. But I did six for lucky. I go, I'm doing six. And I'll tell you six is too much. Too much stress. I got it. I got it, but I got it perfect. But the best thing about doing six is I applied what Dave told me to the last two.

And those last two shows, that's all we used for those two shows. Without, you know, I'm sure Dave we'd share this with anyone if he told it to me. He said, let it be in the air. Don't try to dial it in to make it this. Let it be in the air and allow those moments, like in a comedy club, like those explosive moments to happen and let yourself find them. I'm paraphrasing a little bit, but he was saying, don't be married to it. Let it exist.

And what happened is I did, you know, pretty much the exact same show four times almost within, you know, and then those last two nights, I'd gotten it. And we're sitting at the bar and my wife's like, you got it. It's done. We don't need these two shows. And my buddy Tony said, hey, man, there's two stories I haven't heard you tell that I'd love to hear you tell. I know you can tell.

Just why not? And he was like, you should do those on this next show. One was the Snoop Dog story and one was about my dog getting, putting our dog down. And so I threw them in and I changed up things. And those two shows, I mean, the things that I thought were the closers never was with the closers, but everything, you know, yeah, so doing six shows, I benefited from it. I'd like to do six for the next special. I don't know, but I'm not doing that until 2027. Yeah. Well, you get rid of the tight eyes, because I've seen even really good,

and I've done a special, same thing, I had one show, and it's just tight. And I felt like I had to get through my outline. Now, if you're in a club of 300 people, and you do what Chappelle's saying to do when you're shooting your special, you take things, oh, well, just stay here for a while. Oh, you like this story? And with me, if I'm doing, you know, Joe Biden, if they're digging it, I'll just go for 20 minutes or 10 minutes. Yeah. But if I'm shooting a special, I feel like so.

I mean. And you have a set list on a promulter. Yeah, you got to get through it. I write it on, I write, I'm really OCD. I write it on my stool. Yeah. And then I keep the stoolheads from all my specials. You're on the stool.

I write it on a piece of paper on the stool. I write it on a paint pen and silver on the stools. And I name the special. a pop. Oh, that's cool. And I put my set list on the stool. That should be your album. Where are these stools? Uh, in a fucking garage. I know where mine are. All right, before

Bert goes, ask him as a show. Very, free bird is it? Freebert, yeah. Freebert on Netflix. And this is like a single camera, half hour? Single camera. Kind of like tires then. A lot like tires. Yeah. I mean, not actually not. Is it with tires? It's probably not as funny. Well, we'll see about that.

No, tires is. And what's the byline on Freebert? It was... The story. It's really just fish out of water. It's really about when I... About how I've always felt about myself is I am this big, loud personality, and sometimes I try to conform and fit in, and whenever I do, I very much fuck up. And it's pulled from our direct lives, meaning I, within the first episode, I go on a podcast

and I say something very inappropriate about my daughters. Like, with Ila, we're going to use this, but it was... But it already happened. And it's, but Ila, I talked about when she got her period on Conan. And like she, because she threw herself a period party. What was she doing on Conan? No, she, I was backstage in Conan and Conan's like, how are the girls? And I go, oh, good, I just got her period.

And he was like, what? And I was like, yeah. I said, she threw herself a period party. He goes, what's that? And I go, they all dressed in red and we have a red velvet cake. And she names her period and we put it on the cake. And they drink Kool-Aid and eat pasta with red sauce. And he's like, are you fucking serious?

And I go, yeah, and they invite two boys and they don't tell them why they're there. And then the boys are like, what the fuck? You know, and he was like, what does she name her period? I said Jason, she got on Friday the 13th. He's like, well, can we talk about this? I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you just, every one of us want to make someone happy.

You just say yes. And I tell the period. It ended up becoming a bit on a special that I did by telling Conan. And that night, I'm on the, I'm flying on the road. And I was watching Conan with Leanne. And I was like, he's like, so how's, How are your girls doing?

I go, I just got her period. And she had the ball, and she goes, she's like 10 years, 12 years old. She goes, yeah, do a lot of people watch this? And my wife's like, yeah. She was like, what's he gonna say? She's like, I don't know. And then she watched it. And she was like, she was like, yo.

And then the next morning, my inbox was flooded. There was all little girls writing in to say, hey, thank you for sharing that story. I've been freaked out about getting my period. We're throwing a period party. Isla became this fucking feminist hero. So she was cool with it. But that is the premise in this show is I go in.

I'd make a joke about my daughter, Georgia, and it fucks her up at school. And then I try to write that boat, and I just make things way worse. And it's all, you know, you guys probably never experienced this. But like, when you're a struggling comic with kids at a school where all the parents are execs and agents, and you just really feel like you don't belong. I remember, this is how, how, I remember Billy Cruttup

was at our school. Yeah, we had him on his podcast a little longer. Yeah. Yeah. He was at our school and he was dating Claire Dane's. He was married, he had been married to like some lady, who was very famous, and they had a kid, and their kid was at our school.

Nevaardalos, Jay Shandes Saccar, Fred Savage, they're all their kids at our school, and Billy caught up in Clareday and start dating. And we have a big picnic for the end of the year, and one of the parents took pictures of them and sold them to the Inquirer, or to TMZ. And they came to me. And they're like, the principal,

yo, do you take pictures of Billy cried up in Claire Danes? And I go, no, why? They go, you had a camera. I go, yeah, I'm a dad. I take pictures of my kid. And they're like, yeah, well, someone sold it for money. And, I mean, when we were looking around, because I was broke, and I was like... They wanted you to find their exusing you.

They accused me of taking... And I liked Billy Crutt up a lot. Like, he was the coolest guy to me out of that, all the people of school. I would never fuck that guy over. Yeah. And I was like, I was... But that, when you're that much of an outsider, they'd think that you would take pictures of people to sell them. That's a little bit what this has.

It's like, I was an outsider. And I'm a guy who takes a shirt off. I drink a lot. I, you know, like, people would say stuff to me at, like, school, like, well, Bert, we should have Bert host the silent auction, and they're like, like, is he going to take a startup and get hammered? And, like, guys, I'm not the fucking, so like, that's, that's the premise is fish out of water. Sounds good. It's good. I'm really happy with it. When does it start? Starts January 22nd. And the girls that play, my daughters kind of steal it a little bit. Good. And they're so talented Arden, Arden Marine is my wife.

And then we got just this great cast of, great cast of dudes. Who is the woman you showed us? The young. Oh, how's Ava Ryan. Ava Ryan is. She plays Georgia. And this little girl, Lilu, is Isla. And this kid is, I'm telling you, untethered.

Like she is, she walked into the audition, her first audition. ever walked in and she goes which one's Judd Appetal. That's a joke? And no. Oh, she was actually. She just heard about Shud Appetton? No, because he was, originally he was attached to as a producer. Yeah.

And he left the project because I think he just changed up his career and he was like, I'm doing other things, whatever, I don't know. But he, he was like, I am. She goes, okay, my brothers are fans of yours. All right, how do we do this? And I was like, I just come over here. And she was like, burr. And I was like, hey.

She goes, I like this. guy. All right, what are we doing? I mean, just... How old is she? There's... There's a... She's... I don't know. She's got to be like eight. No, it's 10? She said... She said, we had this scene. I mean, like, I don't want to... I won't give away too much. There's a scene where I fuck things up at dinner table. And everyone leaves. And it's just me and her. And it's awkward. It should be like, and cut. And this kid decided to go on a fucking rant. Like a pump-up speech to me.

And there were so many versions of a little, a child getting in my face. I go, don't know, don't that do motherfuckers change you? Don't anyone fucking change. When you fight a bull, do you run away from it? And I'm like, yeah? She goes, no, you run right the fuck at it. And you're just improvising with the audience. I'm like sitting there watching this kid.

And they say, have a sip your beer? I go, no, what? Who the fuck are you? She just is like, she's just a real spirit. And she, I mean, her improvs were so funny. that we kept the vast majority of the men. I mean, she has one improv that I can't really tell because it would give away so much.

She has one improv that I didn't even know she did that I was, as I was watching the final episode, I fell off the treadmill laughing. I fell off the treadmill laughing. This kid is so, and Ava is so, Ava, the whole story rides on Ava, so she carries it on her shoulders the whole story and the kids are incredible.

Yeah. Great. It was a cool experience. I'd do more. I'd do more in a heartbeat. How many you do? Six. Okay.

Six. And I like acting. I never thought I'd, I liked acting when I did the machine, but like I really enjoyed it. I enjoy it a lot. Well, that was my last, well, last question. The machine, like, because people do indie films, want to do indie films, comedians want to put them together. You have a period of time away from it.

It seemed like it was a big success. But what did you learn from it? Like, if you did a second one, how would you do it different, if anything? I would make it shorter. The film? The film entirely. I would make it shorter. That's the number one thing I think.

It was, I think it was like two hours. Maybe, I don't know. I think it was long. I'd make it shorter. I'd make it for less money. And how would you save that money just by being more economical with the cameras and stuff? Wildly. I would, I would, right now, I think, okay, this is a big question.

I think movies are going to die. I think if Netflix buys Warner Brothers, we can say go by to movies in general in the future. Movies will be like the way people listen to vinyl records. Who are they too expensive? They're too expensive and there's no way to make money off them. And to be honest with you, you can do a reality show. Me and you could host a reality show for Netflix,

like a reality competition show, the Fattest Baker. And it'll do better. It'll be so much more economically. And me and you will make a ton of fucking money. If me and you go to Netflix to make a movie, We'll maybe make $300,000 each. Yeah, it's hard. And then all the money's going to go into the budget.

There's no back end anymore. You don't get points on anything. On streamers, yeah, it's true. And I got to be honest with you, David, if I saw this kid, they were building a fort. These four kids, they were in a tree and they were building a fort, and one kid fell out of the tree and knocked the wind out of him. And I laughed for, I watched it up maybe 20 times, and I laughed for a solid 20 minutes. Me and you could not make anything funnier than that, than a child falling out of a tree. Yeah.

It's the fucking hardest I've ever left. So in order to do a movie... You mean reality and things that are cheap, things that are real. And I know people are getting upset right now going like, hold on, don't say that. No, but you changed it. I hate to say this. The person watching this, you and me were all complicit, we stopped going to movie theaters. And that's where the money's made.

That's where they make money on a movie is in the movie theaters. We stopped going to movie theaters. I went, I saw, I had every intention of seeing Leonardo DiCaprio. new movie, the battle after another? Every intention of seeing in the movie theaters. I didn't.

I could have. When's the last big comedy that made a lot of money in theaters? I've never, I haven't seen it. You can't think a long time. I think the last mega one was Bruce Almighty with Jim Carrey,

like mega. That's going on. The hangovers did well. Hangover did. Yeah, that was 2012, 2013. But in the last 10 years, I know what you mean.

And it is also the conceit of funny people in a movie, you're already kind of behind the eight ball a little bit. Yeah. If it happens by accident, I find myself laughing at Christoph Wals and glorious bastards was hilarious. Yeah. You know, and Django and Chained. But yeah, comedy's tricky that way. Comedy's tricky.

And listen, I was talking to a company that's like, you know, figuring out $10 million for movies. So every movie is going to be roughly like, you know, 2.5 around there. That's tough. Am I right? Yeah. Now, for $10 million, you can do six episodes of a TV show. Yeah. Okay, so all right.

So then we get six different things we can put out there. The streamer, I think, I just think, I think things are changing so quickly right now that, like, I don't know if they're ever, they're not, I will never be a part of another $35 million movie. I doubt, unless I get cast in something. Like, it's just, there's not, there's no way to make that money back. That is a big budget. That's a crazy budget. And you look at like, Frankenstein was $150 million. And it's on Netflix.

Maybe it's making money. I don't know how it works, but yeah. Netflix has a lot of money. But also, also, we have this weird ability where we can talk for one hour and maintain an audience, which is what you'd want to do in a movie, right? And we can also make a ton of money for doing it on Netflix. So part of me is like, my dad used to go, don't think because you're good at one thing, you're good at everything.

Don't think because you're good at comedy You should open a restaurant Or you should you know He goes stick with what you're good at So I'm good at stand up So I'll just keep doing specials Until they want me to not do specials But even specials are fucking tough

Because you look at YouTube And YouTube They're just as competitive as Netflix Oh yeah Just release them on YouTube There's when I did Secret Time There was maybe I'm gonna be generous

Maybe 57 specials released that year Right? That's how many think about it, right? Netflix. Yeah. More than one a week. Amazon Prime.

It was one a week. How do they all do well? One a week and then some other people released it on YouTube, but not a lot, maybe seven people on YouTube. Something's got to give. Yeah. So it was easy to at least get your head above water with a special. And then next year there was, you know, let's say there's 70.

When I released Lucky, I'm guessing there were a thousand specials released that year. Between all of them. Am I right? Yeah, all ecosystem. them and releasing it on YouTube. Yeah. And so to stand out is so tough that like when I release Rootin' Tutin, there's going to be. Or rackum.

Rackham. Rackham. There will be easily probably 3,000 specials released that year. And so, so yeah, I don't know. I'm really fascinated to see what happens with this business. Yeah, your mind is amazing the way you process show business. Let's just for a second, right as we, Mike, drop this. You've got your half-hour show on Netflix.

You've got a current special, and then many other on Netflix. You've got your tours starting up. You're going to go to Europe, playing a lot of arenas in, you know, the Wisconsin center, like big rooms. What else? You have your cooking show. Yeah. And you and Tom still have two. Two Bears from Cape.

And you also have the birdcast? Yeah. Jesus. Okay. Am I missing anything? Behind me? I don't know. You remember everything.

I don't know. I just kind of going through my head. But it's amazing. I just say you're a force of nature. It's really remarkable to watch. Free bird. Free bird. And you're having so much fun with it, I can tell.

I'm the happiest person alive. You might be. You know, I thought, I, Tim Dillon one time said to me, I was having an anxiety attack, and Tim goes, why? It never gets better than today. I said, what are you talking about? He goes, hey, buddy, no one's told you to quit drinking. You've never supposed to make this much money.

Your wife loves you. Your kids love you. Your parents still alive. sisters are doing great. Everything, today is the greatest, you'd kill for this. Today's the greatest day of your life. You got a TV show coming out. You got movies lined up.

You got, I don't ever need to work again. I got all the watches I need. I don't care about cars. Like, holy shit, today is the greatest day I'm ever going to have. Tomorrow can just get worse. Today is fucking awesome. Very wise. 10 years ago, very wise.

You would take this deal. It's beyond anything you think of. 10 years ago, if you had said, hey, let me tell you your life. You're going to get, first of all, you're going to hang out. Dana Carvey and Dave's paid for the afternoon. Okay, that's number one. You're in. But they're going to talk about the project

that you're doing for Netflix. They gave you a ton of money to make a TV show and you'll be working, doing arenas while you're working on tour and just so you know, every fucking Thursday, this black guy's going to come in a room

and fuck you in the ass. You're not going to like that. You're not going to like it, but every Thursday you got that, but you get all the other stuff. I go, I'm in. I'm in. I'll take the black guy too.

There's our. Glad I'm not my drive. I'm going to make him black. It's all right. It's size. 2025. Thank you, Bert. I love you.

Thank you, Burr. Hey, guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a review, five-star rating, and maybe you can share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey,

and executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and Leah, Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kirk Courtney, and Lauren Vieira.

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