Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - How To Kill The Fly on the Wall & Old School Throwbacks

Episode Date: September 8, 2025

Dana and David cover a lot! First, Dana breaks down his “workout routine” of walking four miles around David’s house, while David relives the heroic saga of killing the “fly on the wall” in his shower. The guys break into Woody Allen and JFK impressions, reminisce about Mickey Rooney’s acting classes, and detour into a poop-themed restaurant. They also tackle what fast fashion really looks like and why Michael Jordan refuses to sign autographs.  To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please gamble responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact ConX Ontario at 1-866-531-2-600 to speak to an advisor, free of charge. bed MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario you know dana i always say rackum after i say like a 10 out of 10 joke that reminds me of rackettin if you're shopping while working eating or even listening to this podcast then you know and love the thrill of the hunt but are you getting the thrill of the best deals rackettin shoppers do they get brands they love with the most savings and cash back and you can too start getting cashed

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dot CA to start getting the most bang for your buck. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N-R-A-R-A-K-U-T-E-N-R-A-R-A-W-T-E-N-Rack-T-E-N-Rack-T-E-A. Welcome to the podcast, everybody. Welcome to my humble podcast. That's my new thing. I want this idea to go for at least 10 episodes. Yeah, I know. I'm running with it.

I love being a guest because I don't have to do any prep. Everything is on you. No offense or nothing. Then if we talk over, I go, Dana, this is, let me talk on the home. Let's remember whose show this is. Yeah, that's a good thing. I'll say that more. I looked a little pale yesterday, not yesterday, but on the show.

Pale? The last show, yeah. I'm trying to. This is funny. I'm in the black room and you're in the white. It's hysterical. But I have little, little fellas around. I like it.

Listen, we're indifferent. You know, I can't tell. Like, if I look at clips, I look like I'm all washed out, just like crazy. And then I'll look at other things like, oh, not too bad. So now I'm in a room and I have two windows with curtains, so I'm closing them more. So I kind of match you, but I don't have the pitch black. It's like you are in a witness protection program. I think I'm going to have to switch it next time and try dark gray.

One of the walls is dark gray. This room is so big, I have 19 walls. It's hard to explain. And 31 bedrooms. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I don't judge it. five pantries. I don't, I wouldn't tell anyone that.

Well, I remember when I came over once and I said, you know what? I, I just didn't get in my run this morning. You said, just, just go upstairs. So I ran for about 45 minutes and I kept seeing new bedrooms. You were still in one pantry. I ran four miles. I was still on your property. I have a safe pantry where I go in there with a big, where I can stay if there's a crook in my house. I know, and chocolate bars all around the house. Oh, I will tell you what happened in my house. I was going to tell you last time. I was getting in my shower.

This might seem like a nothing story. It's not. Any story is important. Go. It's important. You know this. So I'm getting in my shower and there's a fly made it all the way upstairs. One.

And he's in my bathroom. I don't like it. I don't really care. I don't like it, though. So I go in my shower. Now he's in the shower. What to do? So I have a little warsh cloth.

that I just had her in my hand because I was a little nervous. I wasn't thinking. I was holding it. So I kind of behind my back went like that. And I grazed him. So he kind of spins out and he goes to the wall like kind of high. And he's kind of like this.

And I'm like, oh my God, he felt that. Like it didn't knock him out, but I could tell. He was a little disoriented. Yeah, he took a knee, basically. He really took a knee. And I think, I don't know if they have solar plex. but that's probably where I hit him. And I go, we got to fly on the wall over here.

So anyway, he's up there. He's like this. And then I'm like, I'm looking. I'm like, are you okay, dude? And he's like this. I'm like, you don't even know what I'm saying. He doesn't know what I'm saying. It's not comprehending.

He's like, yeah. So I go, oh shit. And he's like, no, no, it's cool. I was heading over here anyway. I go, no, you weren't. You were going over by the shampoos. But fine, I'll let you say that. And then I thought,

I was like, oh, my God, what if I really tried? I was half speed. I was just like that. What if I tried to hit him? He doesn't even know what's going on because I'd whip his ass because what if I was like, you want me to wind up? You don't want me to wind up because if I wind up and hit him, done. You're much bigger.

You're just a lot bigger than the fly. Yeah. And so he's there. And then I said, you know what? You're not like if you're a ref, you'd be like, this. So I go, you're grounded from flying. So why don't you walk down the wall and then lay down? Take a nap. You're not going to fly it. No more flying today. What a shower. You know, what a shot. And he saw me naked too. And I'm like, and we're going to

shut up about that part. Oh, they love that. You know, in Singapore, okay, just looking at this up, Singapore, they have literal fly fights. So they train flies, almost like pit bulls or something to fight each other, and they always, it's their de facto weight classes, flyweight. That's pretty good. Yeah. I, you know, I took a shower and I bump. I like how you lifted your phone for that. I bumped my head on the shower nozzle.

Yeah. And then I was like, okay, you weren't there last time I showered. So, hey, nozzle, if you're going to move around, we're going to have, we're going to have a problem, you know. So your nozzle's moving. around now. Well, I just like the idea that. I like that you blame the nozzle. Yeah, because like, how do I top blaming an organic creature? But I'll tell you what I do do on this, no joke, not kidding around here. It's no joke. Let me get a pro. Yeah, I got to do. I'll do it for you while you're going. It's no joke. It's no joke, folks. No joke. No, I'm not getting around here.

I did it while you were going. I don't know if you could tell, but what I do do, it's a little bit like queue, like, there's a fly in the house. I don't look at it. I try to act nonchalant as I go by it. Like, they don't see any move because somehow their little brains can sort of tell if you're getting ready. Yeah. So you're not reacting at all. And then it's like that. Oh, yeah. I do that. Well, kind of what you implied you were doing is backing away and then whack, you know. Yeah, but mine was really unplanned, but I do what you do. I plan it. Like I go, oh, I'm just going to chop the celery. I don't care if there's a fly I don't even notice you and then I make a swing and I always miss and he goes you fucking idiot you thought you thought you could get me with that bullshit I'm like I did think that

my nozzle that was talking to me like that too no we we dealt with flies for years and all this stuff and then we got a screen door but anyway it doesn't matter my mom doesn't know why she has so many flies and she's got me I mean she always has food now she has a lot of nice food out she always wants to us all to eat at all times oh eat eat you're gonna blow away but then the doors are all open and she has the AC on 41 and it's 116 out I go mom you have to shut something because you don't like cold air in your face I have news flash well you know this I don't I do not and then when I'm on the plane it's like a I don't love that.

And then if this person's is on me, I'm like, excuse me. There's any way you could bend it back towards you. That was a good one. By the way, I just thought Woody Allen on our friend Bill Maher. Oh, Bill Maher. Club. Billy Moore. You know, sure, because, you know, it's a club, but it's basically just a bedroom.

You know, you're calling a clubhouse. It's very quite random indeed. I don't want to be pedantic. I don't mean to be didactic or facetious. I don't want to be anything that ends with that. Andrey Previn, a wonderful guy. How'd you think this show? No, you're a wonderful podcast host.

You're very informative. You're asking questions that maybe two people in Nebraska care about. The smell of weed, I thought it was in Wiz Khalifa's chimney. Yeah. By the time the fourth cartel came, I felt you were speaking a foreign language of some type or maybe some alien came down and taught you how to speak by the fourth Tom Collins, you know. I thought I was in a professional show. I'm in a tree house.

No, you're a wonderful, you know, you're a beautiful, intelligent woman. I've seen one television show in the last 19 years. I'm reading war and peace for this 11th. Oh, yeah. Bill's like, have you seen an alien earth yet? How many episodes? He's like, what's Hulu? Hulu hoop.

Watch this chat, doubt and Abbey, everybody's talking about. He's right fine. There's only one Woody Allen. He's like, but I do love Love Island, UK. I know. I wanted to be there because everyone, I wanted to ask him about midnight at Paris, because I'm just a psycho fan of that. And I've heard a little bird.

told me that Paul Thomas Anderson is also a huge fan of that particular movie and the reason I love it is because our friend Owen Wilson is the perfect surrogate Woody. Like Woody would have

played that part but Owen has you know and now I can't do him. You talk first I got to get out of Woodie. Well so you're because I think a lot of Woody's movies he has someone to sort of play a version of him. Yeah. You know because now I'm doing Woody.

Are you doing a combo Owen Woody right now? No, I just want to do Owen from the movie. Okay. You know, Godot, I think it would be great. See, I'm doing Woody now. This is a, this is what wasn't I can't. Owen doing a little himself trying to be a little like Woody or not. Maybe a little bit, but I think Owen's natural cadence and tone matched.

Is reflective of that, a little bit. It's a little inside baseball on people doing. impressions you do not sure because it's hard to go from data you know Owen Wilson doing it because what I do I do this in my act I go on Owen Wilson tells the two-year-old he can't have any more candy sorry little buddy you can't have any more candy so that's that's my act now folks I'm not trying to like the world on fire I just want people to get a little relief from this fucking laugh by the way Well, because it's, I like ridiculousness now, you know.

I've got a ridiculous thing quickly. By the way, we should get PTA on Paul Thomas Anderson. I love to. He's a friend of the show. He is, you know. And he's Maya's. Housbun, who I adore Maya Rudolph. We love.

He, he's brilliant. I mean, he's, you know, oh man, if you ever want to see a brilliant movie, we'll put on Magnolia. It's like just crazy. Magnolia is the only one I have not seen. It's out there and boogie nights, of course. And then all the other ones he's done. He just has a Kubricky, you know, sort of a Kubricky, Woody Allen kind of motif going there with a bit of, you know, Donald Sutherland vibe.

I don't know. Punch drunk love, too, with other friend of the show, Adam. I love that phrase, a friend of the show. I do, too. I stole it right from Lorne. Paul Simon, you want to. in, you want him in a sketch? We'll try him.

He's a friend of the show. Now my hair, I came in nice with some lift, and as the show goes on, it's like a, it's like a bun cake. It's flat. Your fucking cake is fallen. No, your hair is terrific. It's like a reverse baking thing, you know, with a Julia Childs, you know, because. What falls?

What? I'm not even making sense anyway. more. Something falls in the other. What falls? I don't know. My hair is greased back today and combed, so I was so shamed by last week's pale blue shirt and messy hair. Okay, here's what we're going to do.

Okay. I'm going to tell you something that was on my phone. It's annoying. Ready? Okay, go ahead. So you might not get this, Dana, because you probably don't get a lot of spam. Here's the spam I got to. What they do is a new trick.

Heather knows this. I get spam. They want you to answer, not an email, but a text. So it's a phone number you don't know. And it says something that makes you want to answer because it could be a friend or something. So today was sort of clever. It said, can we go over something quickly? Yes, I've been getting those type of teasers or like, I feel bad that we never talked about this.

dot dot dot yeah it's those are good ones yep because i want to write those yeah because it's really hooky where you go your absent mind and they go talked about what who is this i don't have your number you know and then they got you i don't know how they got you but they got you don't ever click on anything don't don't don't believe anything i mean my mom did it she'd call them oh maybe it was something about my personal information let me send you a link to my bank account i I had a relative, well, my mother-in-law, who's Irish and very sincere and 90 years old at the time, I think. And she got scams saying that, you know, we know this and that. And can you go to Target and get a little coupon?

Gift cards? Give cards. Yeah. Send them to her to something. And then they just disappeared. So, yeah, everything's a scam. I mean, my wife is out for the day and she comes through the door here. I just go, look, I totally believe it's you.

but could you just, honey, could you just give me your social security number? Just, just give it, you know, last four digits. You know, human meat because, I can't, I'm going to do it on the entire thing. I like it. I can't get out of it. I won't get sick of it. I laugh every time. It's funny to me.

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Did you understand my last email? Oh, good one. Everyone's going to go, what? Who is? What email? And now we got you by the fucking short and curleys. I feel bad for the way we left things off. Ah, oh, here we go. Don't play yet.

Let me give this setup again to reiterate. So my very first job in show business, sitcom in New York and Rockefeller Center, the Mickey Rooney show, and I played the grandson, and Nathan Lane played the roommate. We had Scatman, Carruthers, and Meg Ryan. It lasted 13 weeks, whatever. And Mickey was the most eccentric person I'd ever met. My first job, I thought he was just a normal. guy. He had a 38 revolver and he would wave it around. They're not going to get me. Who, Mickey, who me? You know, well, anybody in New York City tries to plug me. I'll plug them right back. And I've done this probably before, but he said this many times a day about his career from the, in the 1930s. I was the number one star in the world. Hear me? Bang. The world. That wasn't my best. The world.

So, anyway, so over the years, people go, oh, it's an exaggeration. John Mullaney. Oh, you're lying. John Mullaney would pay me cash dollars to do it for him. So Dennis Miller, our buddy, sent us this, and it's a video of Mickey Rooney doing an acting class. And it's all very Mickey. You'll see. This is Mickey.

I'll tell you what I want to do. You're not going to get into this thing unless I let you win. The word act, ACT. And I'm Mickey Rooney. Do you know how important you are? Hi, Daddy. Hello, honey. You're all dressed up.

Yeah. Going out tonight? Um, I think I'm just going to, like, go out with my friends. Not the same friends that I, uh, I've been seeing you with lately. I can make my own decisions. Oh, just treat me like when I'm a little girl. She's good. Do you know why I do that?

You know why? Because I am. Because you are. A little, make out, make out. familiar i love you too honey that's why i'm careful about you you were excellent my sweet patted her ass 30 times you were excellent did you can't kiss her hand you denot more oh you got me read one book every two months okay well it'll be six books a year because you want this to be fertile yes fertile

Hi, honey, I sawed my legs off. Did you work hard now? Imagine spending in a room with this guy. Six months. What is this an underacting class? I don't know. I don't know it was this long. And you're going to.

I love it. I know. Turtleneck, maroon turtleneck, no less. Every chick is four feet tall. So that is no exaggeration. He is four feet tall. He would announce himself. as a fire plug.

They try to get me this fire plug will throw them over the front of an Oldsmobile. But, it won't be what a old car

to say. You know, scream, you know, Judy Garland never owned a car. What do you mean, Mickey?

Because they pumped are so full of drugs they killed her. He would talk till he'd well up. Well, he would talk

until he ran out of breath, you know. For your edification. I think they should call senior citizens more experienced people because they are more he's just he was an exploding

insane man and he made me he tried to coach me in a scene we were in a rehearsal hall I was just coming out and I'd say good morning Mrs. Green he got up no you got to be natural

you see good morning Mrs. Green we did it for two hours I've seen it's no one would care nothing would matter just good morning mr green be natural be natural but by the end we were friends because i would do jimmy stewart he loved that i could do jimmy stew come here dana sit on my lap i knew jimmy steward i got him his first job in the business everything was grandiosity and then i'm the one that told him to do wonderful life he thought it was dog shit and then he was in my parents worshipped him

first day of shooting, there's a magazine cover of Farrah Fawcett. And I don't know what he meant, but he put it on his crotch and said, I like to stick it in her brown. I think I know. So my parents, my parents said, how is Mickey Rudy? He's a delight. I go, he is a delight, maw.

It's a lot of innuendo. So that's my Mickey Rooney story. I love that. And I like the video. Well, we can get into videos. and news one new story that I'm jumping around

is oh we'll start with this one okay oh is this about okay one story I thought was interesting you love basketball this Kauai Leonard's story

is very interesting even if you're not in the basketball the quick story and then we'll play this they were looking for ways to pay him secretly

and this must happen all the time so Steve Ballmer from the Clippers oh starts it he has like a tree planting company

and they pay Kauai $28 million to be like a spokesman, but he doesn't have to do anything. Now spokesman could, if he posted once on Instagram, he could have an argument like oh, that's what I'm supposed to do is get the word out on trees but here, we'll hear a little bit about on

this. I think I know. Clarify my post. What we know is that NBA executives were suspicious of how Steve Ballmer's Clippers landed the most valuable free agent on the market Kauai Leonard. At the NBA did not find that Bomber got Kauai by sweetening their offer. But also that in March 2025,

this celebrity endorsed multi-billion dollar allegedly fraudulent tree brokerage named Aspiration, which promises to clear your conscience and your emissions, they file for bankruptcy. And this is where the clue is. What David's looking at with his glasses on is a bankruptcy filing and is a list of predators. The entities to which aspiration in all of their alleged fraudulence

still owes the most money. And what I noticed is what David is noticing right now, which is that on that list of creditors, up near the top, above the Boston Red Sox is an LLC. Mm-hmm. Tiny little company that Aspiration owes $7 million. And that LLC's name, David, is what? A KL2 Aspire.

Oh, you gotta change it a little bit. And what does it list there under manager or member name? Kauai Leonard whose NBA jersey number just to connect all the dots here happens to be what number two so then the question is not too close part of KL to aspire LLC right because okay he's getting all his money millions of dollars what i started doing was scour the internet for any mentions of aspiration any appearances tweets quotes Instagram posts not really busting his home by kawai Leonard endorsing aspiration and this was hard to find so which also might seem weird right because every other celebrity aspiration the whole elisted thing and i don't know if they said that

right up top but it's pretty long was a way the salary cap they have the salary cap and and for NBA teams to try to keep it even so there's only so much you can pay all your players and this is a way to get kawa who's an incredible player more money without it being part of of his direct salary, right? And this guy discovered it. Right, but it must, this must happen right and left. I mean, people are going to teams and they can't go over the cap. So like, we'll sweeten it. He loves being here. He wants to play with Paul George or whoever, you know, and then they go, oh, it's surprising. But yeah, he has family there. And then you find out he gets a cute 28 million on the side, which is great.

It's a little sneaky. I mean, one is this is that I know Steve Balmer. I did a Microsoft event where I was doing cars and I was interviewing Bill Gates and then Balmer got up and gave a speech and he was like a fire brand his high energy 20,000 people and Microsoft it's like a cult and then he started his sweat like just intensely armpit sweat so when he ended I said I have three words for you a errant extra dry and it brought down the house good night everybody he's our Mickey Rooney But I think this could get him in trouble because this is like a fraud situation.

Right. This is breaking the rules of the NBA. I don't know if there's other levels of legality, but in the legal world, which I don't know who started it, Michael Jordan probably and some before him, but Jordan really took off where you take your basketball money and you invest in other things. And so when Kai Wei, why, no, Kevin Durant was it with the world? He was always spending time in Silicon Valley with angel investors. And he got very, very, very wealthy that way, using his salary to go, pshu.

Well, it helps when you start with $80 million to invest. Yeah. Okay, we won't, some people are like, enough sports. That was more of a business story. I have a couple little just observations. I can insert here. One was, I thought it was interesting, you know, these hearings all the time. So they had a hearing where they're grilling Robert Kennedy Jr.

And the guy at the end is going, and you're not doing the right thing. And I haven't been able to get a hold of you. And I have no way we haven't talked in months and nothing. And Bobby Kennedy Jr. very calmly just said, well, Senator, I remember our conversation very well. And I gave you my cell phone number eight months ago and said, call me any. time and the guy just got red face and go well your staff never reached out i like it i thought it was john kennedy you're talking about oh well i i will within his term uh bobby kidding junior he will have an a jfk a i that would say the exact same thing introducing jfk a i mechanism

Three, two, one. Well, I do remember what you told me eight months ago I gave you my cell phone. I told you could call me any time. I didn't say it because it was easy because it was hard. It was hard. Hard if you want to do K of K. I like it. The other thing, I want your take on this.

I think it's funny when authoritarian leaders walk together and create a summit. So you're seeing Putin, Yi, and Yong, like, what do they talk about? You know, pro sozi Boutucco Siji, I assassinated 20 people a day. I mean, what is the, what's the connection there? I don't think it's about their fantasy football league. It should be. Shisha, what? Do you like to look in their eyes when you excuse them?

I don't know. But anyway, I mean, they're just like, listen, we all have a commonality. We kill people. We're dictated. I mean, we get along on some levels. We're different, but we're the same. Yeah. What I like most about being myself is that everyone's afraid of me.

And I tell everyone to do. Gross no, if you, she falsu, she, but a billion, pushy. So a billion people are afraid of you. She's a no, but she's she. Yes, one billion. And I love it. Was Kim Jong there, my boy? That guy with his dimples.

I can't stay mad at that guy. It's so funny. He's kind of cute. He's like a little, yeah, he's, he's, He's like a little Disney character. They should have a Kim Jong-un. Cut to us. Cut to us.

He'll never hear this. Well, like, people he doesn't like. He doesn't just have people shoot him. He takes like an artillery thing, like a giant. Oh, yeah. I'm probably at town square. Yeah. Oh, Tian.

They make a big production out of some of those things. Anyway, too dark, let's keep going. Too dark, sorry, took us in the wrong direction. Here's some stories. Oh, I thought this is funny. Yeah. This is based on you. That's you in the picture.

When the plane makes weird sounds and you try to act cool, but your soul already left your body. Okay, play. Okay. Wait. got stuck in the middle, but they goes, woo, woo, and the kids, I guess, because you're trying to relax,

but you said this, and it happened on my flight to Alaska where it goes, it makes like a real whining, and then it just goes away, and you're like, does that mean we're free falling now, or does something stop?

It's the A320 Airbus. I'm a perfectly fine airplane, but when it takes off, it sounds like a lawnmower going full blast. It feels like the plane is screaming, mean to get up in the sky. And then a minute in or so, I'm ready for it. It does a huge downshift.

And you kind of feel like they're taking the power off. Floating. And it sounds disappointed. But you're never scared because man up front drive big plane. Me happy. No, I'm scared. because I actually on the way to Hawaii, the flight attendant was nice.

She gave me a list of things I should. She was going to the show already. And she goes, oh, you're on the flight. I can't believe it. I'm going to make you a list of things to do in Alaska. And I go, oh, okay. She brings me a list of maybe 200 things. And I'm like, well, I'm there for about 30 hours.

But it was all this fun stuff. You know, declaw bear. Go up on the town of Mount Magushku and wrestle a restaurant. But I did, I was looking for mooses. Those sound fun to see. I did not see one. Didn't see a moose. Let me ask you a question.

Even if you had time, there's been so many movies, you know, and where they're in the sea plane in Alaska, hey, it's a beautiful day up here. And then sliding in the propeller, go, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, and they go down. So those are, if they don't crash, it would be spectacular. to take those up to a lake, the seaplane, and go off. But could I get you on one if I paid for it? Good question. I don't know.

I mean, there's helicopters that do it all day, every day, and there's no problems. But funny how you only hear about the problems. That's the thing, and it hypnotizes you into darkness. Right. One crash a year, and suddenly you're the bad guy. I mean, helicopters have a bad rap already, and then the last, little Cessna's, and I did think Alaska was great. I really wanted to just see it.

Yeah. And it was great to just walk around. Stunning place. And then we drove around, checked out some views, and saw some salmon on people's plates. So that was something. I would want to go up there just to see the environment. Yeah. And how were the, so did you play one show or more than one show?

Go all the way. One show. Goodbye. Goodbye. That's what Steve Martin used to say. Well, I'm going to finish my career, and I'm going to put every fan of mine in one place in a huge stadium and I'd do one show. Goodbye. But it was fun.

They were a good crowd. It rained on them. Oh, that's right. Yeah, it rained on them. So I actually, nice people. Yeah. Let's not beat it together. Okay, what's the next story?

What do we got? Got the real good stuff. Let's go. Everything I ate at the poop restaurant in Taiwan. Oh, I thought she was going to say tasted like poop. Hmm. Everything I ate at the poop restaurant in Taiwan. She's all excited.

Welcome to modern toilet, a poop-themed restaurant. You even have poops on the table. Hello, sharks. And these seats are toilets. It's so funny because your drinks come in different types of urinal. I ordered the urinal. A urinal. And it truly looked like pee.

Mentally, I couldn't drink it out of the containers. I part it into a glass. Oh, that's what finally stopped. Human beings have way too much free time. It's basically a hot pot out of a toilet bowl. It felt very weird, but eventually I got used to. I'm an angel investor in this with Kauai. And he came with those super cute smiley fries and a lot of size.

You eat out of toilet, I love it. For dessert, I got a chocolate soft serve. You look so realistic. That was really hard for me to eat it. I wasn't a big fan, but I think it was because of the visuals. What is the name of this restaurant? The Poop Restaurant? Where is it?

It's called The Poop Cake Factory. No, I don't know. The only thing that my topic is just a restaurant called, you know, vomit and more, you know, where everything looks like vomit. I'm trying to think that would be worse. I see that you could make chocolate ice cream look like poop, but after that I'd have to really brainstorm. Yeah, I guess you can make anything look like.

I like they covered something looking like pee. They're out of a okay for your dessert. Who wants the catheter? We've got the chatheter pie. Yeah, we have little stents for you, chocolate stents. And we have a thing called the bypass where it looks like we saw a rib cage, but it's all made of vanilla pudding in half. Yep.

Yeah. Here's the spleen splitter. It's a biscuit. Well, I don't think we're going there mostly because it's too far away. It's too far away. Otherwise, we'd be there tonight. Yeah. Just to say we did.

just to do research and write it off. Okay, next one. What do we got? What we got here? Oh, so these streamers, I've seen these with their hands, but now with their bodies. They sell on like a QVC,

but it goes so fast. And this girl, it says she made $18 million in seven days because she tries on dresses. You know how they walk out, they show you a dress on, QVC and they go, this is Nora and she's, this is

a full figure dress and it's got some ruffles and turn around. And then this is how they do it there. Go ahead. I like the kick up. That was that fast? Oh no. Oh, is it banned? Okay. kicks it up with her foot. Oh. Okay.

Always fucking stick. So all you get for that Do you like it? Any questions? Too late. So she has to talk. What is this? SNL in your change booth backstage?

The little kick-upon-law? This one's a no for me, dog. Little House in the Purry. Okay, we got it. The little kick-up is the best part. She's really good at the dress at the front. Instead of doing a jump cut where she changes, like, you know, did you ever, you're too young for this, I don't know if Gregory would have a clip, but on the Ed Sullivan show, they had all these

jugglers and variety acts. And one of them was, I remember as a kid, they'd be dressed in something, and then they would just duck behind a thing and come back out within a second, completely dressed in something else, or just walk behind it, they're in something else, walk back there and something else. So it puts that one to shame, man. Not a company. Did you know what they were doing or you were baffled? I could not believe how exactly it was happening.

Like any good magic trick, it was like too much for my brain. That was like SNL, that girl, because, you know, when you run off a sketch, you can't even get to the dressing room, you just go right under the bleachers and they go take everything off. Yeah. I know. Every department's right there. Makeups ready when they go in. Yeah. First the wardrobe, then the makeup, then the wig, then the this, then they push you out.

Then the writer's yelling at you. It's a little different at the end. Yeah, don't exit on his line. Yeah. It is not that much of an exaggeration. It has the freneticism of an Indianapolis pit stop where it's just like, except the shoes and wigs.

And then I would always, sometimes I'd say, do you have a mirror? I just want to see what I changed into. Oh, there I am. That was when I was doing. Do you have a mirror? I just want to trim my, Putes

David I think you should do that ahead of time this week it slowed down Molly Molly didn't know her exit because of the

Go in my office There's a manscape in my left drawer You can use it We've done We've done it It's been kind of a blue show In some ways

I know it's okay They're ready for it Oh God they want They want the edge And we're willing to give it to them Okay, let's see what's next. We're doing pretty good. We're almost done.

I think we're doing fantastic. Okay. Okay, this is what? Two legends. Michael Jordan, Michael Tyson. One signed autographs, the other didn't. So this is a live, spontaneous scene on the street. MJ, you're the goal.

MJ, can you sound please? Come on, MJ. Back when Michael Jordan seemed to snub this kid asking for an autograph. All per year. But they didn't know the reason he actually couldn't sign it until now. I love the voice. And no, it wasn't just Michael saying them kids. But it's Michael Jordan.

Michael Jordan. He must get that shit everywhere. People go bananas. Michael Jordan has a lifetime exclusive contract with upper deck, the trading card company. That means he's legally barred from signing anything outside official upper deck. events. This week, MJ made a rare public appearance just to fulfill part of that deal. So MJ's not rude. He's not a jerk. He's just the most protected brand in sports. Okay. Jump out. That, go ahead. Well, I want us to get that announcer to start our show. Dana Carvey and David

Spade may not seem funny, even though they're professional comedians. It's just in their contract that they're supposed to be amusing, but not especially for. funny. When David Spade got followed home by five weirdos, he wasn't being rude when he pulled out his gun. He was protecting his house and home. I know. I read the headlines.

David Spade pulls out, you know, 44 Magnum on five fan autograph seekers. David Spade tries to shoot his fan. No, it was. David Spade, I think, brandished his bazook. Mizuca when being uprope. No one cared about that story, really. I realized, because I kept reading it, except for the fact that there was a gun mentioned.

Yeah, that immediately sort of like you think a celebrity in a house or anybody, and then there's a gun present or a gun. I don't know, you know, I had a friend back in the 80s and he came to hang out and stuff or stay overnight wherever I was. I think I was in L.A.

really nice guy. Ward Steiner, I think his name was. And he had gotten beat up once, like in high school, really beat up. And so then he became the gun guy. So he would have three guns he'd bring out fully loaded, just super careful, 44s. And one time I was at the other cafe, a comedy club, late show, and some rough stuff was happening. And I knew that he always had a derringer in his boot. And he's in the front row. And I saw him reaching down. And I went, no, no, no. No, no. I don't know. Well, when you're getting pounded, maybe you go, hey, boot, boot. But I was in, I was doing the church lady before S&L in that.

And I said, well, wouldn't be the best idea. Well, keep it in the boot. Yeah, I was out with a guy. I think that story, but I just, maybe I shouldn't have said that that I had a gun in the house. But I have been, I have broken into twice. so when it's going to be you or them nobody wants to shoot any one's terrifying it's the worst thing you could think of

but being shot is also well you don't drink basically harder at all and you don't do any medication so you're completely that would be the scary thing but to our story I have to say on the all we may have mentioned before

but Michael Jordan created quite a kerfuffle and especially in terms of people wanting to design or just... Oh, at SNL? Yeah, sorry, at S&L. Nobody at the time I was there ever had that level of awe

and get his autograph and stuff. Do you remember they stopped the cast from asking him? It makes sense. I think you told me that. They said, Marcy came around and said, nobody asked, this is it. There's fucking people are bringing basketballs and a bunch of bullshit.

It's fucking lining up and from his dressing room, which they were in writers. And I was like, true guys. Because you had them trapped, in his room, like, hey, big Mike, but I will say I went out with this unknown celebrity that was well known in the old days, probably 10 years ago, and he gets in my land cruiser, we're driving somewhere, and he puts a big huge bag of cola and a gun in the glove compartment. I go, sure you want to keep it in my glove compartment?

Is this a gift or what is you? And I go, well, what if we get pulled over? He goes, nobody's going to hassle you. That's all I needed to hear. I go, oh, okay, based on nothing. No one's going to hassle you about that. I go, oh, no one cares about a gun and a bag of Coke. So that was me going, oh, and then you know what happened?

Nothing. Nobody hassled him. It just became a different time. You just have to assume everyone has a gun now. You know, back in the day, like the coolest, weirdest kid in high school, Brad Nichols had beetle boots. And he carried a switchblade in the beetle boots. Oh, were you to kick it out and it's that? Oh, that's great.

You know, but still, you can run away from that, but just a 38 revolver. I don't like what you just said, you know. No more road wage, road rage. Just let them, let it go. No, I know. I think in the time now, I'm trying to get back on and see you again, I think the time now where I could, when you're, there's so much crime and there's, it's so scary that people are following you or you just read every day someone else got shots. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be up to the people to fight back because there's, the laws are protecting more of the, more of the criminals.

Well, no, I know, the good people who are really responsible that want to have a firearm to protect their family and themselves, no problem. Just, just not the bad people who want to hurt strangers. I know this is a hot take, but I'm just saying. I know. But, you know, listen, let's worry about the victims just for a little. Let's go back to that for a little bit. You can get protein at home or a protein latte at Tim's.

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Well, you can't get a well-groom lawn delivered, but you can get a chicken parmesan delivered. A cabana? That's a no, but a banana. That's a yes. A nice tan. Sorry. Nope. But a box fan, happily yes. A day of sunshine? No. A box of fine wines? Yes. Uber Eats can definitely get you that. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and

select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app for details. Okay, what else? We'll do one more. Let me see. Sure. Sure. We've got nothing else to do. I got tons to. Okay. Oh, wait, wait, wait, don't play this yet. This is an old interview show. Hope it doesn't stick a whole time. but I don't know who this is. I thought you'd like it. It's just an old, oh, she was a Nebraska celebrity interviewer, 70s, 80s, and she would just, she just had a funny way of saying where you would, this wouldn't fly as much today. Okay.

Let's let a rip this morning. You got to work with Burton, Richard Burton, Tempest. Yes, I did. Now he's dead. You know who his dad is. He's dead. You watch Bonanza. I'm sure you watch the reruns of Bonanza.

Who's the sheriff on Bonanza? Bing Russell, is he still a lie, Kurt? You've done some brilliant pictures. You've done... She died. Really? What happened to Heaven's game, Sam? What happened to Boos and Buddies?

We were captured. Did you see the movie Raiders of the Laws Dark? Have you seen it yet? Yes, I did. Wonderful movie. Do you know that he turned down the role of India? No, I heard that you turned down the role, that you were offered the role. I wouldn't turn it down.

Do you have any retribut about... Yes. going into the series for a mash. No. No? They've all made a first time. It's the greatest. What was one of his few floges?

This is incredible. In many ways. He looks evil. He looks evil. He looks evil. Have you ever seen eyes like this? If you look up them real closely, what do you see? This is right after John.

He looks like a shark. You see a ring around the outer edge of the eye. What is that? I don't know. It's an old family trait. My father had those. I don't know what. It's making me sopped.

Well, this makes a most fascinating look. You really look terrific. Thank you. Are you in the yoga or exercising? You might just whip one out. Listen, you don't know to whom you are speaking because you and I go back a few years. But you weren't tomorrow. Scott Pyle.

What size are you? Tom, how do you kiss underwater with you? without bubbles coming out of your nose and mouth. Let me ask you, how would you feel as a mother if your daughter were involved with your former love personally? How would you react to something? Look at her acting. You know how invaluable your voice has been to you over the years?

No, baby, tell me. Perfect. I mean, oh, can we do that as you're a new father? Can we do that? Of course we can. We can? Let's try it again because that was on the left side. It works. It works.

You don't consider. I, that, like, the new S&L cast members, female, watch this person. Veronica should play that woman. Yeah, I mean, the reason it, well, first of all, it, she got the guest selection. I mean, Gene Hackman was never on a talk show. She got Gene Hackman. I mean, it was all big stars and Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise. If you look back, yeah, L.A. Gould, Sam Waterson.

Yeah, Waterson's. Roy Schneider. around Jaws and you're on this dipshit show in some living room. It's hysterical. And she's such a balzy bitch. Yeah. How funny. Yeah. Someone should play her from that era interviewing new stars and whatever. I think it's funny. Yeah, but it was right on the edge of like, is she in on the joke or she's still just trying to be really interesting, you know? It's funny. Everyone's can't, your show got canceled. Yes. What do you think of that? And that person you co-star with is dead, right? And Do you regret not doing MASH because they got incredibly rich?

They really all made a shit. What? I love it. All right. You want to do one more? Is that it? If you can top it, that was really made me. No, let's end on that one.

We've got to save something. These people are chomping for more. Is it champing at the bit or chomping? Last question. Okay. We have three questions. Oh, we have a question we have to answer. Oh, fuck.

We have more. Three of them. But what is the question? Champing at the bit? Or is it chomping at the bit? Okay. Kevin Dieland recently made a post asking people what their go-to laxatives are. What are your go-to laxatives?

Mine is nerves. If I'm scared about something, that sort of gets things into gear. I would say that the premise is if you need a lack of. laxative for your digestive system is because you're not getting enough fiber. So to get enough natural fiber, the amount of green peas or blueberries or all these different things you have to get. And most people don't get it. Green peas of all green peas, three cups of green peas.

I like green peas. 28 grams of fiber at days. So metamusole. Another mark that down, green peas. Get a bucket. Just fiber. And your system really likes that. and if you are if your digestive system isn't operating the way you want i would recommend that

and i'm not a paid spokesman for green peas okay thanks for clearing that up but what was the funny part what's funny about what lacks it is why is that an entree into comedy i don't know kevin is i left a funny comment on his instagram oh my god what a score uh i got i'm going to do another hiking with Kevin? I want to do one with him where I hike so hard that I leave him behind. Yeah. You put a GoPro on and he just picks up you from there because he can't keep up. Yeah.

I wanted to do one called Strolling with Dana, but I thought it was too close. What about walking backwards with David? That's what I do. If my neck hurts, I walk backwards. You should do squinting into the sun. Squinty, David hates light. You're walking around. Okay, one more.

And then we got to go. We have to. We got a lot going on. Okay, you read this one. Okay, where did you lose your virginity? Expan and expound on that. I know that's saucy question. Where?

Where? Oh, this young trollop. No, this young lady I had a crush on and it was. the last month of high school. It took me a while. And I walked her home from a boxer party. And that's where that magic happened. High fives all around.

I lost my virginity in a Sears department store near where they sell washers and dryers. Was it a mannequin? I don't say the person involved, but it was, it's, It was a Sears department store. For real? I won't say. Come on, we're a car. Nobody showed.

Oh, no. I just said the real one. God dang it. Well, what's the strangest place you ever made whoopee? Made whoopee. I was going to make whoopee. The strangest place. Why is Heather saying, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Because she thought the Sears front loader. She just goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. In a Sears department store near the washer where they sell them. That's a good one by the drill bits. So where's the weirdest place I've made whooppy? Whoppy, besides that chair last night? I don't, I, you go, because I know you're not going to give an answer. Well, let me ask you a yes or no question.

Okay. Did you ever make love in the backseat of a car at a drive-in movie? No. I have a question for you. Are you in the mile high club? coy. The mile high club. No, are you in the limousine club? I don't think so. I said, I'm going to say it again. Are you in the limousine club? Are you in the coy club? You're being coy. You're being coy about going to coi. No, I guess I'm not that fun. Another question. Where's the place you would like to make whoopee,

but haven't yet. No one, you know, Jay Leno was smart about this. When older comedians would come on the Tonight Show and do sex jokes, guys in the early 50s, Jay was like, yeah, no one wants to hear you somewhere old. Yeah, you shouldn't do sex. Yeah, they're right. They don't want to hear us. Yeah, they don't want to see us.

They don't want a picture of making love, you know, and they just want the jokes. And, you know, Jay's kind of always right about all his comments. He knows what he's doing. He's got, yeah, he's got good. still has good stuff. I've seen him recently. He's great. Okay, that's it. So thanks everybody. Thanks for us. We'll save our other questions for next week. And thanks for write them in.

Thanks for being you. And that was a good one today. I was really happy about it. Yeah, I was really happy. We rallied toward the end. Dana, thanks for letting me be your guest today. You're very welcome. You've been a good guest. Do you want to hear the answer to champing chomping? Oh, Heather's. I was saying

is the phrase champing at the bit or chomping at the bit and Heather has the answer I know the answer Oh what is it What are you doing? Nope

Champing But Original is champing at the bit But chomping at the bit Is more widely used But the phrase originates from Horses, restlessness chewing their bits

and intensification So while Champ means to chew or not Chomp means to refer to chewing horses Oh, chomping is chewing noises. Champing is when you bite down, a horse bites down. And then everyone just turned it into chomping because it sounded easier and it made more sense. I knew there was something with that.

What's the original word for chump change? That's funny. It's kind of like chump change. Chump change, you know? That's sort of being a little loose with vernacular. It came from the Latin word chump and lino. which means chump change in Latin. I like what people call you chump.

It's funny. Look at this fucking chump. Yeah. Mm-hmm. All right, chump. I'll talk to you next week. We'll talk to you next week. Same bad time.

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