Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - Introducing: Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire

Episode Date: December 26, 2024

We’re thrilled to introduce you to Lemonada Media’s podcast, Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire. In this fantastical fictional tale for grownups, Melissa McCarthy stars as Hildy, an unlikely hero from the land of Golgorath who must embark on an epic quest with an unlikely team of warriors to save the world. From the creative minds of Melissa McCarthy, Ben Falcone and Steve Mallory comes an epic, cheeky adventure that is as hilarious as it is thrilling. Hildy the Barback and The Lake of Fire features a star-studded cast including Octavia Spencer, Glenn Close, Allison Janney, and many more.  You’re about to hear the first episode of Hildy. If you want to hear more episodes, search for Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire wherever you get your podcasts or head to: https://lemonada.lnk.to/HildytheBarbackandtheLakeofFirefd To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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with iGaming Ontario. Airbnb is a sponsor, Dana, and I know a lot of people are using them, a lot of people, they love Airbnb. By the way, you can get big, you can get small. It's not just one thing. It's just people saying, hey, what do you want? We'll find it.

Short, tall, wanna have a big kitchen, little kitchen, whatever you want. Fireplace. You want a fireplace, you want a space that is private, like you, David, probably would want private or you know, the main thing about them is they have a lot of locations and if you can't find the hotel you want, Airbnb is your choice. Listen, hotels are fine. Just Airbnb has got a little more space,

a little more privacy, you know, a sharper location than a hotel. You might want to go a little closer to this, closer to that. And my hotel this weekend, when I was on the road, people were knocking on, I felt was my door. I kept looking at the keyhole. It's the door next to me, but there's a lot of hubbub and commotion that you won't get at an Airbnb, you know? Yeah.

The noise was so loud in the hallway with keys jangling and people come, I thought for sure they're coming into my room. I was skipping. We clean now? She keys jangling and people come. I thought for sure they're coming into my room. I literally. How's it going? How's it going? We clean now? No, no, no. I always tell them when I leave, I go,

hey, I'm leaving. You can go in. They're like, am I supposed to be excited about this sickening operation? I go out every morning. I find the one who's assigned to my room and we make a plan. We make a plan together. What we're gonna do is I'm gonna go in and then I'm gonna take a room and we make a plan. We make a plan together.

What we're gonna do is I'm gonna go in and then I'm gonna take a walk and then you go in, right? Yes. Anyway, Airbnb, it's tailored for you, perfect accommodations when you're traveling with friends, family, you're on your own. Listen, think about it for your next adventure. You won't regret it.

You make the switch, you can always go back, but think you're going to stick around with the old Airbnb. Hi listeners, I'm thrilled to let you know about Lemonada Media's newest podcast, Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire, something we talked about Melissa McCarthy about on the show. I know. Get ready for a wild mythical adventure.

Melissa McCarthy leads an all-star cast in a hilarious new podcast, Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire. Sounds fun. In this fantastical fictional tale for grownups, McCarthy stars as Hildy, an unlikely hero from the land of Golgorath, who must embark on an epic quest with an unlikely team of warriors to save the world. Starring Melissa McCarthy, Ben Falcone, Octavia Spencer, Glenn Close, and more,

Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire spins a legendary laugh-out-loud tale you won't want to miss and we heard all about it when we interviewed both of them. You're about to hear the first episode of Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire. After you hear this episode search for Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire on your podcast app to hear more episodes. You can also find a link in the episode description to take you there. This is Glenn Close. The Golgoroth Alliance is proud to present

Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire. This presentation is brought to you by Theater of the Mind. Theatre, Theatre, Theatre of the Mind. Chapter 1, The Beginning. Many ages ago, there was a verdant green land named Golgorath. It was a land full of magic, legend, and high adventure. From time immemorial, the tales of Golgorath featured heroes who were... how do I say this? They were all dudes. But in the year

361, in the waning years of the Olaroo, a new hero found her voice. She was unparalleled in her sense of integrity and justice. She was also a barbac. Her name was Hildy. My name is Hildy. I am a barbac. At a medieval pub with peasants galore And piss on the floor Could I long for something more?

We are in peril From the evil one who sold his ire To turn my shire into a lake of fire The men folks say they'll protect me But they would fuck up a cup of coffee It's got to be me I must set us all free It's my destiny

My name is Hildy And I'm fortunate that there's a lake of fire There is a lake of fire There is a lake of fire My name is Hildy the Firebird We begin our tale in the quiet village of Merevale At the Shady Cockerel, a quaint pub that has been in Hildy's family for generations Our hero, Hildy Hillsberry, is visited by her friends Gurd, Perda, and Mirabelle. But Hildy is currently unable to enjoy their company as she's busy trying to settle an

argument between two dim-witted patrons of the pub. I says that the sky is light blue. I says the sky is light blue. Light blue. He says the sky is sky blue. Yeah, sky blue. Jans, please, unclench your moist meat paws. You know, good and well, there's no fighting in the pub. Also, you can't say the word of what the color is when you say what it's describing.

It's like saying the frog is frog green. This is Perda, a merchant, cunning and wise. Frogs are not green. They're olive-ish. Yes! No, they're teal! No, they're not teal! They're not teal!

You cannot touch them! Mirabelle, can't you put a spell of forgetfulness on them or something? Sorry, mate. That's a super hard spell to execute. I've been working on it, but every time I try, something really ominous happens. This is Mirabel, an eccentric alchemist and sorceress in training. Uh, should I decimate these bags of fecal pooping with my warhammer, Hildy, my very best friend? This is Gurd, a half-giant, powerful and loyal friend to Hildy.

No, Gurd, no, you should not. Thank you, but I will handle this. Hey, half giant, I'm arguing with my friend here. You women folk, hey, best be quiet. Yeah, yeah. Oh. Judging by your breath, gentlemen, which I don't actually mean, I still am quite confident that you do evacuate your bowels

through your mouth. Whoa! How dare you winch. Oh, there we go. Winch. That's the magic word. Anyone who says it gets a pie of meat. No.

Foot massage. Kind words. No pony. Not today. But you do get a dick punch. You get another dick punch. You get a dick punch. Guess what?

Because I've got a special running today. You get a third dick punch show! Guess what? Because I've got a special running today where you get a third dick punch! Oh, Gerd, would you mind taking out the trash? Yeah, I'll take them out like yesterday's bags of trash. Let me go! Get your giant... Hearing the commotion, Hildy's brother Fennec rushes in from the back office. Fennec is slow and lazy, and yet was given ownership of the bar upon their parents'

death instead of Hildy because, you know, patriarchy. So Hildy actually runs the bar while Fennec does whatever the hell it is that he does? Gurd! Gurd, unhand those fine men! They're paying customers! Well, yeah, they've been banished, Fennec! They haven't paid their bill in months and they're fighting about colors again! I've given them each a multitude of warnings, so no!

Or yes! I say they're not banished and I'm the owner of the Shady Cockroach! Yeah! Okay, indeed, you are technically the owner of the bar, Fennec, because women cannot own taverns in this insane bullshit age Yeah, that's what I just said and if you say it again You will no longer possess the penis that is currently ruining your undershorts What if you test me brother I will burn you until you're dead and then I'm gonna bury you alive

That doesn't make any sense I think it does because first I'm gonna kill you by burning you, then I'm gonna bring you back to life just so I can shop you up again. A little bitty mulch, throw you the animals, have the animals eat you, then I'm gonna have the animals shit you back out. And then I'm gonna put a nice little rope around that area, and that's gonna be the Shady Cock Girl's new restroom. Just don't let Yannick the drunkard... Only Yannick. Only Yannick.

It's gonna be his personal place to do what he does, and you know what he can do to a chamber pot. Takes the finish off! Well, after a consult with my sister and as the proprietor of this establishment, they are banished. Gurd, throw them out. You got it, pheasant. You know my name is Fennec. Okay, that's done.

I'm gonna go to my office now and, um... Nope, don't do the thing you do. Hey, everybody! Drinks are on me! Yay! Never a good idea. I explain it to you, then you get it, and you forget, and you do it again. I want people to like me. Maybe you should think about trying to work on your personality then.

I don't want to do that. Oh, a gantz, a gorelock. What is a gorelock doing in my tavern? A gorelock is a small humanoid creature, similar to a goblin, but with slightly better breath. Get behind me all, as I raise my war hammer! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait! Lower your mighty war hammer, Gurd! Unless my eyes deceive me, I may know this Gorlok.

And lo, Hildi did in fact know this Gorlok. And upon looking more closely, she can decipher that he is bleeding from many arrows. I am bleeding from many arrows. Yerevel, is there a spell that can help him? No, Hildy. This poor creature is beyond my aid. Here, friend. Have some potion for comfort. Yes. That tastes just terrible.

Okay, so this one has got no healing qualities. It's just supposed to taste good. Well, it's awful. It's somehow bitter yet Ugh! Okay, so this one has got no healing qualities. It's just supposed to taste good. Well, it's awful! It's somehow bitter yet cloyingly sweet! The finish is almost mind-bogglingly terrifying! Cough cough cough! Thank you so much for that feedback. Mirabelle, you gotta get a handle on your potions!

As I die, sweet Hildy, do you remember when we played together as children in the sands? Sand? Yes, the sand. Yes, yes. I was just recalling. We played as children. Yes. The sandy sand.

You were my best friend. My only friend. Oh, Jesus. Sure. Yeah, that's... Oh, Jesus. Um, uh, sure. Yeah, that's... You definitely remember that... friend. I've come to warn you.

The Morlaths are coming. Oh, Morlaths. This is not good. Morlaths, by the by, are ruined creatures of pure evil. They're taller than men with claws like iron and cold black eyes. They've served the Dark Masters of Golgorath since before the beginning.

I scout these lands and I saw them. The Mauless are at least a hundred strong. They seek the Dread Aegis. The Dread Aegis, also known as the Armor of Doom. There are five separate pieces. The Helm of Magic, the Gauntlet of Might, the Boots of Destiny,

the Sword of Power, and the Scabbard of Fate. After the elves, humans and good creatures of the ancient times banded together and defeated Gathlamor, the evil one. Ow! It still hurts so much! They hid each of the five separate pieces of the Dread Ages in five different places, strewn far and wide across Golgorath, where they believed no one could find them. But now, evil is rising.

Someone, someone wants to put the five pieces back together again and rule all! Hildy! I always thought that someday we'd be married. Oh, yes, yes. We both thought it so many times. I thought about that so many times. We dreamed. I did dream of that. I thought that too a bunch of times my dear friend who I definitely definitely remember from when we were children. Innocent, innocent.

Innocent, playing on the sand. Yes, let me talk. Before I die let me hear you whisper my name. Ah, fuck. Do you not know his name? No. Do you? I don't know. I don't know his name. Does he look maybe a John or a? It could be a John, could be a Luscious.

Or Lucius. Okay. I thank you for the warning. Sleep the sleep of the gallant. Sweet, sweet Lucius. Thank you. Wait, who the fuck is Lucius? Ah! Oh shit. This episode is brought to you by HelloFresh. Be honest.

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Later that evening in the center of town, the citizens of Mirvale hold a meeting with the council of the seven village elders who are all dudes. And much to Hildi Shagrin, her idiot brother, Finick, is the leader of the council. Even though Morliths attack from time to time, as we all know, they have never attacked our village in numbers. Yet now, 100 Morliths are coming? For what reason? Esteemed guests, we do not know.

We do know. They're seeking one of the pieces of the Dread Aegis. The Gorlok literally just told us that in great specific detail. I didn't get all that. Gentlemen of the Council of the Elders Seven, what say you? Wait, wait, wait. Listen, why don't we just send Mirabelle's raven out to see what they're actually up to? This way we can better plan our defenses.

My raven, Wondrith, is quite a fast flyer, and though she only speaks in song, she is very efficient. I speak only in song. The day is long. How can this be wrong? Honestly, that bird creeps everyone out, Mirabelle, it really does. Also, also, her songs barely have any rhymes. Have you ever heard of a rhyme scheme, Raven?

A-A-B, B-B-A, what kind of rhyme would you like today? Ah! Gentlemen, irregardless of my respected sister statement, I believe that we need to march forth and meet these Morlaths head-on. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Battle! Battle! Wait, wait, wait! The Gorlok said there are a hundred Morlis headed towards us. And your solution is to take seven men and ride straight at them?

There he is! Oh, Hilde, Hilde, Hilde, my simple, sweet, younger sister, who I love with all of my heart. You just don't get it. Sometimes as a man you need to put on some armor, mount your horse, and go into battle to kick some fucking ass. Men please, please listen to me. Don't do this. We can make a better plan. At least you could take Gurd with you. She could defeat all seven of you in one battle. No way.

I am strong indeed, but not stupid enough to go fight a hundred more or less with these soon to be dead idiots. Watch your tongue, half-giant. Listen, I know we've had our differences. And I know that recently I may have threatened to kill you. Repeatedly. Well, you deserved it but you're also my brother and I do love you

and if anyone's gonna kill you it should be me. So I'm asking you please don't go. I must. We will return in victory. And then free drinks of the Shady Cockerel for everyone forever! Men to battle! Finick leads the charge of the Seven Brave F fools as they gallop up the hillside. If only they had heeded Hildy's warning. Perhaps Mirabelle's raven Wandereth would have seen that the Morlaths were not alone as they charged westward towards Mirvale. No, they were led by a mighty Ur-Dragon, far from its home in Sha'adu.

It is the size of 30 horses with mighty wings, razor talons, and a breath of flame. He gazes out into the night at his earthly realm, his eyes aglow And you bravely climb the rock face with your sword of iron and your armor gleaming To bravely face the beast, all the townsfolk look up from below and say Are you fucking stupid? Why would you ever fuck with a dragon you can't wish having moron? Have you never read a storybook? I'd like it to secret First he's gonna bathe you in hot fire

And then he's gonna bait you in hot fire, and then he's gonna swallow you whole And he's gonna shit you into a volcano, all of this could have been avoided But you were the fool, who thought he could fuck with a dragon? You are the fool, who thought he could fuck with a dragon? Stupid, stupid asshole! the planners, now you can reserve your Uber ride up to 90 days in advance. See Uber app for details. The dragon blows her mighty breath of flame and the men from Mirville are instantly incinerated. Oh no, Fennec! My brother! My older brother is dead.

In the distance, we hear the sound of 100 more live soldiers as they crest the hillside. A sound that would chill anyone to the bone. Hey everyone! Get back to the Shady Cockerel! We'll bar the doors, Miravels! Stop at your house, and bring the forbidden potions. I'm not so sure about that, Hildy. My potion abilities are not yet mastered. That's exactly what I'm counting on. Bring the absolute worst potions you can find.

We'll need everything you have if we want to stay alive. Okay, I get you, mate. Look, I'll be there in a jiffy. Into the cockerel! Put the kids and caregivers into the back room. No pushing or shoving, please. Can you please help me brace the door? Hildy, my very best friend,

I see so many Morlaths marching in such an evil manner. A large Morlath, the leader named Morlar the Strong, leads the charge. Leave none of them alive! We shall drink their deliciously yummy blood! Hildy, they're close now. What do we do first, best friend? First thing we're gonna do is we're gonna pray to Balthazar with our left hand, and then we're gonna kick a little ass with our right. Woah, that's cool. Very best friend, that sounded really cool. Thank you, I felt good about it.

I say let them come for us! They'll find that the women of this village have sharper teeth than the men! No offense to the men, President, but we do need you to fight too. But you're, you know, you're not great, usually. Look there upon the bar, there are swords and shields for everyone! Not you! You know who I'm talking to. Nicholas! No! Put him down!

Aw. There were only 25 townspeople in the cockerel who were fit to draw weapons. Not enough. The Morlaths entered the Shady Cockerel. Morlar the Strong is in the lead. He looks disgustedly at the townfolk, led by Hildy and her friends.

Ha ha ha ha ha! This will be easier than I thought. Just a bunch of women and a couple of really petite men. Give the word, Captain! I want to drink blood! You know what we're here for. Urgral the Horned One seeks it. Give me what I seek and I shall kill you quickly. I can't say I'd love that deal. Morlaths, you may attack when ready and drink the blood of numerous babies.

Hildy looks at Morlar the Strong. She wonders, what is he staring at behind the bar? Gurd is attacked and swarmed by Morlaths. Warhammer! Warhammer! Why do you say warhammer while you kill them? Well, friend, my mom used to say it when she would kill enemies with her warhammer! Families, am I right?

Kildi now wields a sword in both hands. She stabs and dodges the ever-growing crowd of Morlaths. Yet she notices that Morlar the Strong still isn't engaged in the fight. What's he doing? He's looking at that old scabbard we had hanging back there behind the bar forever! What's a scabbard again, best friend? The sheath or the sword! Perda, I need your speed. Don't let him grab it. Perda gracefully leaps towards the scabbard, grabbing it seconds before Morlar the Strong can clutch it

in his huge, ugly hands. He'll be catched. Got it! You stole what is mine. Now you die. Not today, because I'm really, really fast! Perna jumps away seconds before Mor'lar's mighty mace can smash her head.

Warhammer! Gurd, on your left! Gurd looks to her left, and there are just too many Mor'lis to fight at once. Oh, no. Ugh! Gurd, thinking she has just been given a death blow, sees that what she thought was a moorlith landing a strike

to her mighty chest was really Perda underneath a moorlith. And she's just sunk a dagger into his unholy scrotum. Grr! Grr! OK, you are now my second best friend. Hell yes! The one with the hammer is strong, my lord! War hammer!

War hammer! Second wave! As the rest of the Moorers heed the call for the second wave to enter the Shady Cockerel, they are met by a curious sight in the street outside the tavern. What is that? It's a warband. What's that on its face? It's a gas mask mate.

Mirabelle steadies herself then closes the door to the cockerel. Kill her! It's funny really because I was trying to create a natural facial cleanser and what I created by accident is actually the deadliest potion known to woman-kind and as much as I hate to kill so many of anything well You're all unspeakably evil so bye bye mates Mirabelle smashes the crystals to the ground releasing the dreadful poison into the air Keep that door closed inside! This is seriously wicked stuff and also it's a really horrible exfoliator. Morlar the Strong! Face me!

Oh I shall. I have the wonderful good fortune to end your life today. And Ur'Gral the Horned One shall reassemble the pieces of the dread Aegis. And all Golgoroth shall bend to his will. Morlar, our battle will live on in legend. The bards will sing of this clash. War hammer! Gurd strikes a mighty blow upon Morlar the Strong, smashing his head into a million pieces.

Aw, Gurd! I was gonna kill him! I had like a whole plan! Upon seeing their fierce leader killed, the rest of the Morlifs flee like rats. We've won! We've won the battle! Um, Al? Wait, what happened? Uh, Morlar stabbed me a little bit. Mirabelle, get in here! I can't! The air outside is still poison!

Luckily you're inside with the door closed so no poison can reach you as it dissipates into the Golgorathian atmosphere! You're gonna be okay! You're gonna be okay! Pertigrab the cloth off the bar! No! Not that one, please, the clean one. Am I dying very best friend? ["Darkest Night of the Night"] Am I dying? Very best friend. Let me look.

Let me look. Oh thank the gods, no. You're gonna have quite a scar, but you'll live. Especially if Mirabelle can give you a potion that's worth a shit. I'm going to come inside in ten, nine, 8. This doesn't seem like science. You're just randomly counting down from 10 saying it's safe. 3, 2, 1. And you skipped four numbers.

Here I come. Mirabelle rushes into the tavern. Good, oh my sweet good. Just a second, mate. Let me give you some passion. I should tell you, Mirabelle, that I've always loved you, my second or now third best friend. But I wish you were my first best girlfriend. Oh, well that's lovely.

Okay confession time, I've always hoped that you'd fancied me, but you're not going to die, okay? Here, drink this. Wait, wait, wait a minute, wait, are you sure that that's the right potion? Of course I am Oh, wait. Oh, actually, no, no, don't drink that. Do not drink that. Damn it, Maribel, always double-check. We've been through this, please Oh my gosh. Yeah, you're right. I know. I'm so glad that you said something Hildy She would have been a goner for sure if she drunk that and then I'd be out of a new girlfriend. This one is the right one

and then I'd be out of a new girlfriend. This one is the right one. Gird takes a sip of potion and it tastes slightly less horrific than Mirabelle's usual potions. You are so brave. Let me kiss your cheek. Mirabelle does kiss Gird's cheek and whether it is because the potion actually has healing powers or perhaps the kiss from a new girlfriend. Color flushes back to her mighty cheeks. Wow. If I hadn't been so recently stabbed,

I would call this day perfect. Hey, goodness, it looks like you're going to be OK. I have to be honest. I don't think I could handle any more surprises today. With that, footsteps approach them. Hi, Hildy. What did I miss? Oh... Fennec? You're alive?

It's got to be me! I must set us all free! It's my destiny! My name is Hildy And I'm fortunate that there's a lake of fire There is a lake of fire My name is Hildy The Firework!