Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - Jazz Fest + Manifestos

Episode Date: May 4, 2026

Dana and David discuss the Desert Warrior box office numbers, manifestos, and Dana’s recent trip to New Orleans Jazz Fest. Also, Simone Biles and the cost of glam, plus Buzzing Around, and the news of the day. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Last night at the comedy store, half the time they can't even hear me. That's if a joke doesn't work. I think they can't hear me. And then last night I was getting a lot of like echo. And I don't even know anything about mics, even to this point, but I could tell something was off.

Well, I have the name for your next special. Go ahead. The mumbler. Oh, boy. Now, that's what I'm playing in the next Batman movie. Heather, can you turn that one? Now I have. This is my eye that gets all Tom Cruise and squinchy like this.

I know. So, Dana, I have to talk to you about some things. Okay. Some real serious things. Well, first of all, I know I want to hear about your trip. I just want to tell you that it's not that exciting. Go ahead. Well, nothing I'm going to say is exciting.

That bus boys, I just saw a good piece of news that there's a movie. So first of all, this is my funny take. There's a place called box office mojo.com. I go to it all the time and I checked it last night to see how Bus Boys was doing. Oh, have you heard this story? No. A Bus Boys was a ghost. So, jumping ahead.

So I go to Box Office Mojo all the way back to like growing up all these other movies. Yeah, that's the go-to place. Because every night what it made the night before and like the top 40 or 50, you know. Yeah. So we're independent, right? So it says it had some weird name, but now it's called Bus Boys Holdings or whatever. But it usually says like Disney, Paramount, whatever, whatever, you know what I mean? A24, distributor, producer, whatever.

So when we were eight that first weekend, we were the only independent in the top ten. Fine. So the next week during the week, I did some quick calculations in my head. I go, we're going to be about sixth right now just during the week. and then by the time I get womped by Michael Jackson the weekend and five wide releases will be pushed down, but fine. So Monday doesn't say anything. Tuesday, nothing. And I go, are they going to make us, they're not putting it back onto the weekend.

So we have no idea what it made all week. On the weekend, nothing. You know what? I think big movie got to him, like big pharma. Big movie. Well, wait a minute. So what, okay. Okay, big movie.

So basically what you're saying is, Bus Boys was still in theaters, incurring revenue. Yeah. But big movie mojo, whatever they are, box office mojo. A box office mojo and said, why are you putting,

it makes us look a little weird? They don't like indie films. They're off the resident. They want you in a big corporate bubble. So I think Warner Brothers made a ringy dingy. I think Paramount way to ringy dingy. It's a big conspiracy theory going around. They can't stop the people, though.

Let me just put that out to you. The people are freaking out. Yeah. $2,000 per theater with no advertising first weekend. Go ahead. Someone wrote in and said, it only made $2,000 per theater. That sucks. I go, why don't you check the top 50 because I think the top three make $2,000?

Anyway, we were in lower theaters, but listen, it's not changing the world. As I say, this is the kind of movie that you watch on your phone while you're driving. It's not a real cinematic. experience. But it's fun, right? Or if you're in your case, if you're in a bubble bath, you can just hold your phone up and play with the duck with the other hand. Go ahead. Or hold it under the water. You can still see it pretty good. Yeah, you, yeah. You don't have to hear it. Or get the audio book version that is already out. Busboys, you guys do a great job of vocalizing the movie and just put that in. Yeah, exactly. Look at pictures of you and Theo from the, you know. How about this? So listen,

our movie, all in, we lied. It costs three, seven. not just three. But that's because music was about 500. Jesus, I can play a couple of instruments next time. I know, we should have had you come in there. Because,

okay, it's a 3-7. So let's say it made another million during the week, blah, blah, blah. But I just read that this new movie, it's called Desert Warrior. Heard about it? I didn't think so.

No. It made $480,000, Heather, this weekend. Whoops. Budget? $150 million. No, that's not possible. So tell the real story. That's very funny, David.

The biggest plot in recent memory. It's Ben Kingsley, Anthony Mackey, big stars. It just something about it did not work. Obviously something. Well, something didn't work. Well, let me, I've got to unpack this. They make a movie for $150 million. Normally they match that with advertising.

So they're 300 deep in their first weekend, Ben Kingsley is have poppins. champagne, they do 400,000. So 100, one nine hundredth of the box. I mean, it's, there's flops and then there's flops. That's how it shows you how rough it is out there. So their per screen average was about 12 bucks. I don't know what it was. I don't know what it was. But you know what I'm saying is it, it's a brutal blood bath. That one, I don't know what could have happened other than just no awareness. Now, we didn't have advertising. Well, I'd never heard of it. What's the name of the Ben Kings? one desert warrior well no the real name because that's ridiculous that's a good generic name that's

like a guy with a gun or yeah desert craziness tanks nearby tanks and things yeah think of the worst title that would never have a human being buy a ticket at a centerplex it'd be like desert warrior so generic yeah you yeah you can't remember it already what is it warriors in the desert warrior desert warrior Yeah, sometimes nail on the head doesn't get your box office cabbage. Remember a funny part of, because people are saying our movies like a little too, uh, what? Just pushing jokes too far. But remember when you go the opposite way and in Top Gun Maverick, the funniest thing of the whole movie, which I did like the movie.

I thought it was fantastic. They were so scared to name a country that they were fighting that would be the bad guys. So they just kept calling them the bad guys. They never once said who it was. And that funny go, bad guys are coming. We got to fight the bad guys. They showed a dark planes, but no markings on the plane. You go, who is it?

What's country? Nope, nice try. Come on, soldiers. Let's get out there and fight the bad guys. Who? The bad guys, you idiots. Jerks. By the way, here's a little fun fact.

Christopher Nolan, one of our great directors. Chris Nolan, all time. Chris, Chrissy. Dunn Kirk, brilliant World War II. film. Inception. They referred to the enemy. They said the enemy. They didn't say Nazis or Germans, which was factual. They just said the enemy. Well, the funny thing is like wonder. There's some movies that go back in time, which is smart to win the Nazis. World War II. Yeah. Everyone can go, okay, we'll give you that one. But if it's present day, it's hard to say,

oh it's these guys oh it's these guys and then right I mean in a lot of movies there's like there was the rebels that was the confederacy and now it's called the confetties all right let's fight those confetties just to kind of soften it you've seen it it's on Amazon Prime it's called the fight of the confetti

and when they get shot they just explodes confetti there's no blood yeah I mean you know it's okay to kind of modify things, you know, historically, you don't want to say Confederate, so you say the confetties, and what would they call the Union soldiers? The firecrackers.

The Unisons. It's the Unisons versus the confetties. That's funny. What about in Batman? Thank you. The most violent movies that are PG-13, and you go, these are so violent for kids, like more scary, violent,

but they can't show, I think, blood exploding out so you'll see people get shot and sometimes they turn into smoke in like the Avengers or something because they can't show blood so it's a good trick of like they're dying where they just go oh yeah it's grabbing your stomach you got a squib there oh you know look I mean there's with PG-13 movies I won't say which ones in the 90s where the star is talking to two young attractive Asian women's and asked what their names are. One says, I'm sucky me and I'm sucky you. PG-13. That's been porkies. I won't name movies. I won't name names. But I'm just saying that was the culture and era of there was pre-political correctness. You could

pretty much say whatever you want. There's a joke a comedian that about watching the credits for Hawaii 5-0. This is a long setup. Oh. But he goes, you ever seen the credits? Like, Kang Feng as Feng Kang. Why are we changing the names? Just use the guy's real name. Ping pow as pow-peng. Ping pong as the ping pong player.

Yeah. All right, let's hear about your trip. I've had enough of my stupid movie. I like the, I love talking about movies. But let me just, for the audience, contextually, this was the little engine that could. It's just doing it. It's theatrical release.

Its first weekend did great. It's trundling around. And then it'll be on live streaming thing. You'll be able to type it in and say, where can I buy this or rent it? That'll be probably June 1st. But we'll believe me, we'll blab about it then. A little bit of advice. Just fucking buy it.

It's the kind of movie you're going to want to see over and over again. Your friends are coming in from Canada. What do you got, eh? You want something funny? We got bus boys. So buy it. Anyway, I was in New Orleans. Noland.

I was in Naland, Y'allans. They instead of saying where you're at or where you're from, they say, yeah. I'm not kidding. Yeah. Yeah. Cab driver. Yeah. We flew in from L.A.

Oh, that way you at? That was a little. That's a tough accent, huh? Can you master at New Orleans? Well, jumping ahead a little bit. So I was at the airport and I wanted a little pop before I got on the the plane because me no like he eight miles in the air and a tube with two guys on the trunk going so that all the bars are packed because it's an afternoon fly like could I get you know and then

I'm like okay fuck it so I wander around the other side of the terminal in the middle of nowhere with nobody nobody around with this little tiny bar with this very large nowlands man no and he was so sweet and sanguine you know what the sanguangans you know what the Sanguan. Sanguang? I don't know what it means that I've heard it. But, you know, it's kind of like, hey, how are you?

You know, I'm doing okay. I'm doing pretty good, you know. I mean, gentlemen, for you, he wanted to bring some food on the airplane. I said I wouldn't bring a po-boy with shrimp and hot sauce because that can get a little loud. He's stinky? Yeah, but he said loud.

I like that, yeah. I live in a small one, bedroom apartment. I like very much. And this Yorkie dog came available and I said, oh, I want that. I want that Yorkie. But she was scared of me for about a month. She just sat in a little bed looking like that. Now when I get home and I put the key in the door, I hear her whimpering with joy. That's kind of nice. You know, I mean, um, what else he say? So then. Like a box of chocolate. So then we can. I know it's it's in. It's in. It's in. It's in. It's in. that area.

I'm a good time. I could get you plastic cups on top. Yeah, it's in the general area. It goes, I got land in Mississippi, so after I'm finished here,

I'm going to build this house. I did have a job where I was managing people, but it wasn't good for my brain. So then the thing is, we get on the plane in Nallands, where we're at, and we found out the toilet is broken in the plenty part of the airplane.

Oh. The guy comes on, sounds just like the bartender. So I understand that lavatory is out of order up here, but we still got one of the back. So it's 160 people for five hours. And it was kind of weird because the plan, when you start going back there, man, and it's all pitch black and everyone's like this and no one's talking. And they're all frozen.

You feel like in a science fiction movie. Then you have to stand in the aisle for like 20 minutes. What's up? How you doing, Tim? So you're waiting to take a shit? Hey, number one and number two. Well, leaning against the guys. They're like reading a magazine.

You're like, oh yeah, my thigh is on this guy's shoulder and my hands and another guy's mouth. I'm like the aisles like this. Those aisles are getting skinnier. You have to die. You can't just walk. You have to kind of because everyone's got their elbow, their knee out, their foot. So I go back there second time, five hour flight. That all happens earlier in the day.

I'll put a memo out later. I got this. I got that. So then they bring the beverage cart down. And it's halfway down. It weighs a ton. So I guess I'm trapped. So I just sort of stand in the aisle for about 20 minutes.

Oh. I thought you were bored with my story. And you were setting a trap. Oh, yeah. Okay. So a couple more. So Jazz Fest is there was the weekend, big time jazz fest thing. But I saw that.

Some of the entertainers playing at the racetrack were pop stars. So they had Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac. Really? Yes. In Jazz Fest. So I went over there. I said, I wondered if they had to kind of stylize their songs in a jazzy way. I wasn't sure.

So Paula in the racetrack and we're just looking. She comes out and she's like, Now there you go again. You say you want your favorite. freedom. Oh, jazzing it up? But who am I to keep you down, down, down. So I thought it was amazing.

Then the Eagles came on. Welcome. Go ahead. Wait, give me a second. Change gears. Welcome. Welcome to the, to the hotel. I got a phone, and I looked out of the crowd and they had left.

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BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Wait, that happened at Stagecoach, because, you know, L.A. does Chocola, Coachella, which is like Bieber and Billy Allen. Yeah. And then stagecoach is pure country. So that's the third weekend. So now it's turned into some rockers, some rapper. And it all turns into like just having music festival because they don't stick to the theme.

And then it's like, okay, well, this person's famous, throw them in there, blah, blah. Yeah. It gets blurry. It gets a little blurry. Jazz Fest. Are there any actual jazz players? I guess they're adapting like Stevie Nix. If they go there, they're sort of tweaking it a bit, if that's what you're saying, which.

Yeah, Stevie probably was just, there you go again. You want some freedom on. I thought it was great. So anyway, I love Stevie Nix. You weren't there for Jazz Fest, though, were you? No. It happened to be there? That's great.

Yes. It was the Zurich company, insurance company, fostering a big golf tournament that was on television. Okay. And then also the jazz fest. But Paul and I, we tooled around. We went on the big red bus that went all around New Orleans. To the right is down, you know, that kind of thing.

He's down. We go, oh, there's a tour of these beautiful old houses the next stop. So we got off the bus. No one else got off. So it was just Paul and I and a really nice guy named Colin. But he sounded like George Carlin. And he's walking us through all these Orlando houses. Yeah, this house came here about 1850.

The Creole built most of it, but they didn't want anybody to know that. The guy doing the tours, that's him. Yeah, that's him. Yeah, I like it. Here, these those lights lighted out. And that keeps the voodoo magic away. You know why? Because nobody likes voodoo in their house.

And it was like an hour and a half of that. The voodoo that you do. Yeah, I do get scared of that stuff. When I was in Narn. Yeah, Narn. Oh, yeah. We did a movie there. And I said, I was at a pretty decent hotel.

And I go, oh, there's a, I go, where can I go eat? I go, oh, there's a McDonald's Cross Street. He goes, you know what? This is a pretty good neighborhood. I wouldn't go out to the right. And I go to the right of the hotel. He goes, just go to the left. I go, there's McDonald's on that corner.

It's not. even 100 yards. He goes, don't go to that one. He goes, there's one down there. And so from then on, I never walked to the right. Even in the daytime, he said, I wouldn't do it. I'm like, so that is a bad neighbor. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's, yeah, there is that. I mean, out on the sidewalk, there was a kind of a cool woman dancing with chakras. You know, and then we go up into our room and this is no joke i'm not getting around here my none of my stuff works the laptop the phone what and then paula's phone brand new just goes to weird spooky uh like wispy dial tone type stuff like noise like white noise and we opened the window it too job so we went to an apple store

that wasn't an apple stores an apple it was a place that fixed phones You know, it had little bells on the door and it was really tiny. Yeah, but they were able to fix it. They just picked it up and went, oh, voodoo. Oh, it's been hexed. Yeah, it's been hexed. And so they put it in a machine and it said anti-vudu hex machine, which was like the old Batman TV show, press the button, ding, then it was fine.

I like going in those and they go, we're just going to plug it in here and slurp out all your information and then we'll give it back. Okay. Yeah. I should have been warm because my doctor's nurse when I told her I was going to New Orleans, she said, Oh, no. Me and Heather already laughing. Oh, you're going to New Orleans. I'm going to have to talk to the doctor.

Why? Because of the voodoo. Oh, he can put a screen on you. Make sure you bring an extra iPhone. It doesn't work when the voodoo hits. Oh, I'm going to have to talk to David Spade. Why? Why?

I don't know. We both say why. I like being the other guy against the secretary. I'm the one that's a normal person. I love it. I told Dana on the break, I go, if wherever is stuck, all I want to do is just say, What's the doctor's secretary up to? And then he just couldn't go into it.

Well, by the way, she's an incredibly sweet person. She almost came to our gig up in Lincoln. But it was just a Friday. I couldn't get the chance to ask the doctor. There's too much traffic. I talked to the doctor. He thought it was too far to drive on a Friday night. So maybe she'll be at our next gig in Saratoga.

on June, beep, or our gig this week, comedy festival, Orphium Theater. Oh, Wednesday night.

That's in two days, Dana. At 6 p.m. So you can go to the show, have a couple pops, go to the show, and then eat dinner. And afterwards, 6 p.m. show.

Dane and I grill Chris Rock about whatever we want. Yeah. We just said we want it probably, we want one of the best comedians of the last 30 years. And we put it in an AI and it came up Chris Rock. So we called up Chris. This is time for my nourishment and nutrition. Why are you suddenly a robot?

Drinking vitamin. What's your blood work look like when you do a lab? My labs come out pretty good, by the way. green all green or some big red one? Everyone's shocked. The guy doesn't allow me to look at him. He goes like this. Okay.

I don't love that. I go, well. Yeah. It's really the honor system. I have to trust him. Oh, here's something. Oh, not to get you off, but. Well, I wanted to do a impression of your doctor.

Am I doctor? Yeah. Okay. No reason to bring that up. Okay. Just, you know, enjoy your life. Okay, go ahead. Okay, let me see.

Viagra, that's an easy fix. Okay. Do you have trouble living up avion bottles? I do. Use your legs. How many times do you get up in the night to go to the bathroom? 30. This says here it would be 300.

Is that possible? Kevin Nealon, who's going to be on next week? Kevin Nealon. He says he sleeps in the bathroom and gets up to just go back and lay down to sleep and come back to the bathroom. So now he goes back there more than he sleeps. Okay. Well, we'll ask him. We're going to unpack that when he's on the show.

We're going to unpack it. All right. What are you looking at? I was saying that there was that. mishap that President Trump had and my angle on it is not really the whole

situation. It was that I just picture every school going do you have your manifesto ready they're due this weekend. Everyone has a fucking manifesto. I'm like, I don't have one. I do a should I have one just in case anything happens to me?

How do you define a manifesto? I mean, it is a funny word. It's a cool name. We all, yeah. Yeah, mine's a pan. pamphlet right now. The first time I heard manifesto, it's like a phone book, right? I think it was Ted Kaczynski maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, not thinking of use as Tim Kazerinsky. But that was the Unabomber, was it? Yeah, the Unabomber wrote a manifesto, which basically I think was sort of like

reorientating, being critical of the way society is organizing, humanity is going about its business. And here's a better way to do it. It's a manifesto, like a call to arms. If we could implement this immediately, I will stop bombing people. Right. I live in a cabin and I make homemade bombs, but I think I got the brain pan to figure out what to do with society. It's funny because sometimes those people are very smart, but they're socially awkward. They're on the spectrum is what people say. Here's another thing I say about these people that are out there killing people.

I know mental illnesses, we've talked about this. It's very serious. We've. talked about it. But there's a certain point where you go, oh, this person got off because they're, they say they're insane. They can't, they don't know what they're doing. Well, I think if you're a serial killer, no one's defending them. They're insane. I mean, they don't know. They know something's wrong with them. Right. Getting a machine gun and shooting down into traffic is by definitional mentally insane. Or you're planning a killing every week for

some women and you're like John Wayne Gasey or one of these guys. or you're the BTK killer. So you're not mentally, you could say, are you, they're not fit to stand trial. They don't understand. That's not someone that gets it out there, how you're supposed to deal in the world.

Right. That's why. It's conveniently used sometimes to get people off and sometimes you just say, well, if they're, that mentally, let's say they don't go to jail, you know, put them in a rubber room somewhere, but don't get them on the streets again.

That's my only argument. If I was on trial for something like that, I would just say, look, before we start this whole proceeding, I feel terrible, number one, number two, I'll never do it again. So I think we're ready to go. Let's save the taxpayer some money. What do you say? Yeah.

I'm releasing myself and my own recognizance. I'm sorry, and I'll never do it again. So bye, bye. And when these horrible things happen, they go, oh, but they're just not on their medication right now. Well, when will they be? because if they're not, if they're going to go stab someone not to me, that's not our fault. If they're not, it's just such a complicated issue. Right.

Because author of meds, they got to get the meds and then they stab the pharmacist. And then they can't get their meds. They took away the source. That's the real worst case scenario. That's where the system breaks down. Yeah, he's all right. He just gets meds, he'll throw the knife away. But, you know.

Thanks, stab. Oh, you should have taken one first. All right, that's all I have to say. I like the word manifesto because it comes up a lot. I know, and I agree. And I've been working on a one. You should have something. That's it.

That's all it is, your manifesto. Oh, it's up there. Cocky Whistler guy. I have a Hollywood story after your next story. Let me tell you what I thought that last story is about. This is something I do. That means when something is shaky. Yeah.

Yeah. You can do it. Let me see you do it. Good. Can you do an octopus going across your screen? Probably not. That's just visual. Don't we get a little?

I can do that, but with better. That's pretty good. I got to wear the cameras. See, they slurp up some, they go backwards because it. Here's an impressive of you eating clams at a restaurant. Finally. Like, here's me, here's me when I'm about to have sex,

the girl, we're jumping over here. And she's naked and I'm naked. I walk up and I go, any allergies? Okay. Any allergies I need to know about? That's what the waiters said. Here's you post-coital with a robe on turning away from the fireplace to the bed where the woman is.

Yeah. I give that after sex the slow clap. The sarcastic clap. I go, we're done here. You accept any of my premises. Here's Dana. Here's Dana after he takes the number two and he gets up and looks down and he goes, this isn't over. Here's you.

You're about to be on Artemis, the next one that goes around the moon. You're in your space suit. You're right at the door and you take your hat, all your thing off. I go, yeah, not today. Okay. that's it that's it not today here's you

when you're an Artemis going around the moon now it's an Artemis theme yeah okay you go which is the one that doesn't work because there's already

a line for the one in the back and there's only three of us so where's which is the pooper that works because going on the dark side of the moon scares me a little bit and I get nervous then I fucking

well everything ends with no the people have religious experiences on the dark side of the moon the guy was up there on artemus which by the way trump has already named the next one to be called epic artemus i thought it's called trumpopatimus trumpy craft why did he put his name in it if he's renaming it he put his name on earth there's a movement to change the name of earth just a trough trump town trump town but uh yeah people get religious out there when they see the sun and sound they get kind of so the guy came in the splashdown got on the ship and talked to the chaplain he goes

is there a chaplain here there's always a chaplain on a ship because he was so moved by that he kind of got the eye to you know just god it was beautiful planet all alone why can't we get along did you see all the buildings on the dark side of the movies moon all the UFOs and when they go inside the moon no but he did see a small figure with little weird binoculars it was me Yes. Instead of pumping busboys, you stowed away on Artemis 2 and parachuted down the lunar surface so you could harass the astronauts. I'm going to tell everyone a shot something about Hollywood that they don't always know that I think Dana kind of knows. I mean, you sort of get it. You don't really get it. But you want to get it.

My hair gets it. You get it. Some mobiles came out. I thought it. was good she said this. The gymnast, the genius gymnast? The gymnast. Of course, I have no information on the story.

And it's a total lie. I'm continuing. Okay. She went to a, let's say a premier, a Met Gallo or something. I think the Met Gallo would be a little bit of a cheat.

I think it's just a regular big red carpet appearance. Okay. And she said, you know what, guys, I want to stay home from now on, because all in to doll me up, $23,000 for the glam squad.

Heather believes it. I believe it. I used to know this young lady that worked for Leno, and she said, glam is getting so expensive that we had one really famous female just asked for $20,000 for glam. So you do the show and you get like $800 to be on a talk show. Yeah.

Will you cover my glam? It's 20. That's, It's stylist, hair, makeup, steam, nails. I don't know what. To get ready for one, Nikki Glazer would be a good one to ask

because she's going to a lot of stuff lately. We should have her on again anyway, but... Oh, I'd love to have Nick back on. She knows about it. So is that crazy? I think the regular average person, so Simone's basic point was like, I can't keep going to these.

And parts of it are right off, I'm sure, but you still have to pay it. It's too much. It's too much, but I'll tell you, that seems inexpensive, and I'll tell you why. Okay. When Jay Leno was still doing the tonight show,

Kim Kardashian was on the show, and afterwards, Jay, Jay didn't say it in a snarky way, it said, yeah, it was 17,000. Oh, it was back then. And she looked every penny of it. Yeah. So I bet it's more.

This reminds me of, I played a birthday party on the break. And I'm like, what does this guy's birthday wish to watch me come bomb in front of his friends? Anyway, so I said, you look good for he was 60. And I said, you know what you don't want to hear from people? They talk about someone. They go, he's 60. And he looks every bit of 60.

The root is, that means every day is accounted for. There was a little wear and tear every fucking day. They don't go. You look 50. every bit of it. Yeah. You ever heard that? Oh yeah, every bit of it.

It's so rude. Yeah. It's a rude way to say it. Hey, it looked good. For your age. Listen. I go hide that. Guess what actor never wore makeup,

speaking of $17,000 on television or in film, ever. Nope. Rob Redford. Someone I worked with a long time ago. Mickey Rooney. Yes. No way.

Mickey Rooney again. Never wore makeup. You know why I don't wear makeup? Because makeup is for girls. And it had some logic to it. Yeah. Back then it was for sure for girls. You know who wore makeup?

Judy Garland. I guess all the actresses did. You know who needs to wear makeup? David Spade. You know what? People don't realize when they say we look like shit in the comments, I shield you from this day. I shield you.

I'm pouring over the comments during this. It's, I've got a lot just, my live feed. Yeah, I just, we don't wear makeup and they say, oh, you look rough,

more makeup. I'm like, we don't have any makeup. Well, we have, I have ring lights. Yeah. It's better than makeup.

They call me Ringo star. I walk around with a ring light everywhere. Oh, remember Ringo? Remember when we interviewed Ringo? Oh, he's our friend. I know.

Birthdays in July. Maybe we get to get to some stories. What do you think of that? Well, yeah, and whenever you want me to do... Oh, buzzing around. You want to do it? You're ready for it? Well, might as well get it out of the way.

Now it's time for buzzing around. Sponsored by five-hour energy with a wide variety of bold flavors to choose from. That's right. You can get as much caffeine as a 12-ounce premium cup of coffee, but with zero sugar and zero-sugar crash. That sounds like buzzing. Find five-hour energy shots online.

line at 5Renergy.com or Amazon today. So Dana Carvey right here, master of voices. Of something. When I figured out, I'll let you know. He's going to give us a scenario. Okay. We talked a little earlier and we're going to have a little scenario here. This is a little sketch. I have a couple cliff notes, but it is not written out so it might be a bit sloppy. No, they're very messy, which I like. Yes. So here's the premise. In the future because AI is going to take over and we're going to have robots right sure the robots in the house and housekeepers and gardening all that good evening mr. Carby last thing will be an AI robot comedian and they will make those and they will base them on iconic

comedians so and sooner or later sooner or later these AI cyborg comedian robots will screw up Order. We're going right into it? Yeah. Okay. J-1000. You're accused of murdering 300 patrons at the laugh stop and Hermosa Beach on November 7th. How do you plead?

Oh, you know, guilty, of course. I am. Guilty? You're guilty? You freely admit your guilt? Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. Would you care to explain yourself? It's actually very simple, you know.

So I was there in the green room, you know. And, you know, basically my handler, Mickey, you know, he's all, he's my human guy. And he just said, before the second show, he said, J-1-000 knock him dead, right? So what the problem was is that my empathy chip was completely on the fritz. And my logic chip wasn't working so well. So I took him literally and I took this stool and I beat the hell out of all until they were dead. Oh, my gosh. So you have no remorse?

Do you want to do the judge? So you have no remorse for the situation? You kill the whole crowd? No, I'd do it again in the same circumstance. It was just because it was really Mickey's fault because he's supposed to keep track of my maintenance. And like I told you, my empathy chip and my logic chip were completely on the friend.

Well, this is starting to make more sense. You know, I'll just say this to you, Your Honor, you know, to be totally honest, I think humans got to be a little bit I can't more careful. Case dismissed. You know, we all learned a lesson here today, I feel. I'm still the judge. All right.

I know, but okay, we'll go back more. I'm not beating you right. Next to the stand is the Sebastian 200. Okay, oh, good. You are accused of violently throwing a man into the Beverly Hills Hotel on July 9th. How do you explain yourself? Well, I was sitting there, pool. then this guy walks down in his sandals.

He starts clipping this donios. So I pick him up, throw him in the pole. You have to go like this, in the pool. I picked him up and throw them in the pool. Yeah, two arms. Now you say, and your chips were working? And your chips were working at this time? The chips were perfect, you're on the.

Hmm. Hmm. Well, then this court has no recourse, no recourse, but to let you go. Dismanel you. You can do it. This court has no recourse except to dismantle you piece by piece and take you down to the nubs. Oh. Sebastian 200.

You're going to take me down to the nups. That's what I just said. Take you down to the nubs. Get him out of here, bailiff, Johnny 500. Everyone's a robot. Yeah. So the judges, too. I was going to do the judges, Henry Fonda.

Well, get him out of here, you know, like a AI. Who would be a great judge, Henry Fonda? That would help contraction. We're going to take it down to the nubs. Johnny 5,000, take him away. Sorry, Sebastian. Apparently we got to take you down to the nubs. Down to the nubs.

That's right, fuck face. And scene. It's a little sloppy. No, that's great. You became the judge. I did. I tried to help, and then I really heard it a little bit. I'll work on it and bring it back for another edition of.

Some buzzing around. There it is. That was buzzing around. If you didn't know, it's sponsored by 500. Buz, buzz. Bac. Caffeine flavors. Enjoy big flavor in a tiny bottle.

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I'll be there. That's my Henry Fonda. Online at five hour energy. com or Amazon today. I don't even slow down for you. I just buzz right over you. Buzz, buzzing over me. No, I did it.

It was good. You did great. Come on, man. I'm going to work on that and put it my stand-up. Okay. Oh, let's get to some stories. Yeah. We're in our second hour.

Let's see what this is. Oh, this is funny. Wait a second. Ready? This is that cop show. soon it's go four to 1033. They arrest this guy. Yeah.

What's the point? Okay. So you're in charge about two because you know what's going to do. Just this guy. You send my name is Dave Spade. So 26 and 883. This is real? Yeah.

This guy's pretending to be you. Yeah. David Spade. What? The cop shows you have a movie called Busboys coming. Go see it. That's funny. Well, I love the whistle.

It's funny. Why would the funny whistle? That's what they added to it, the guy. But it's funny because it's a real cop show where they just arrest people live. And the guy goes, David Spade. Don't you have the movie Busboys coming out this weekend? And the guy is like, so after a while they go, you're not him. Heather has a special whistle

She does That they do when we go to storage Your family whistles to find each other Oh my God It's how to get their dog back from the woods Does whistling come across? She does the real one With these mics

Oh people I think hate the whistling It's too loud Well I think you have to get it further away You know this wall this water drop is really a whistle. That's pretty, how long did you practice to get that? But it's really just a whistle. You know what I mean?

No, it's something more than that. I mean, I, no, it sounds like a whistle. You could probably do it in a couple thousand years. If I didn't have a life, I'd have time to train. Yeah. Here's you at midnight in your mansion. By the way, you asked me the other day, that bullet train in California, what's the latest tally?

It was $100 billion. it's up to 2.30 then. You could make the Desert Warrior movie 5,000. Oh, full sir. I like it. It's not even political. It's no one's fault. If you have an unaccountable monopoly

that has no competition, unlimited money, you know, hello, we could use more money for the train. Right away, sir. So dysfunction is normal of government who's ever in power. So we have to hold it to account, but 200 billion's getting. a little thirsty, as you would say. Governors of states are like CEOs,

but they would get fired if they were like CEOs. So if you just say, hey, I don't know where this money is, hey, we've tacked a hundred billion. I don't want to pay this thing. They want me to pay for it by myself. I disagree that the train is going slow, Your Honor. I mean, we have 12 tracks laid. Of course, it's been 200 billion,

but there's been some local fires, some flooding. and, well, I think we're right on track. We'll be able to build five miles of train track for $2 trillion. You got a problem like that, bro? I know, nothing you can do it. They always show a comparison like China built a train across the whole God and country in like two years for a billion. So someone knows how to do it.

Well, China could just take going around in a truck with a bullhorn. Attention. Everyone leave your home. Drive five miles east and begin building the home. Beginning building. All we need is 25 million people in the next hour. Leave your homes immediately. See, I didn't do a Chinese accent.

No, not ruined it. Oh, wait a minute, quick Japanese guided earthquake. Oh, boy. What's the, what's so? He's happy in his house. There comes a tremor. He's confused. I'm sure it's nothing.

It's getting worse It's getting worse I like when your computer I like when your computer goes blank Yeah Where are we now I just it's all black around my screen Can you see me?

Let's do another story Yeah We overloaded these stories I guess I know. It's so funny, though. Okay, let's see if this is funny. Okay, what? Wait. Oh, there's a new invention. Edible water.

Oh, edible water. It's an edible water bottle. Meet Uho, a revolutionary solution to single-use plastic. These water blobs are made from seaweed that are designed to hold water in a natural edible case. You kid, I'm going to have one in your mouth, bite down, and enjoy a refreshing burst of water. And it's 100% biodegradable breaking down in weeks, if not consumed, unlike plastic bottles. that takes centuries. The company is working to bring the market,

marking a major step forward in the fighting against pollution. Give me a half a dozen blobs. That's great. Yeah, what's the name? I'm trying to think of the brand name. What are they calling it? Seweed water. I mean, is there a better name than that?

I'd call it blobs. I'd call it weed blob. I'd call it blobules. Hey, Dana, we're going on a drive. Grab a couple blobs for the road. Are you thirsty, honey? We just walked across the desert. Of course not.

I took a seaweed blob. It was a half an ounce of water. Do you have any blobs on you, dude? I'm dying. I get caught in mouth. Oh, don't jelly it down your throat. Jam it. Okay, that's the byline, the commercial.

That's the lady last week. Oh, that's all right. What's the difference? What's the difference? They don't care about the crelos. I finish the joke. She goes, What's the difference?

I go between bad breath and halitosis? Bad breath and halitosis. Those are two towns. Because she's right here. I smell like fucking Malibu rum mixed with Coke or R.C. Cola. I'm like, See if you get this, Joe, because I did it as Red Redneckian.

I'm confused people. Red Red Rednecky, the Red Rec Comedian, you know? Okay. Yeah. I just got back from Uzin-Saw, Mississippi. friend says, how are the folks doing down there? They are dabbing cotton. It's ooze and sore, meaning of...

Ousing sore, Mississippi. So the whole town has oozing sores. How are they doing down there? Dabbing cotton. I got it. But doesn't work for that corporate crowd? I don't do red, rednecky for like Procter and Gamble. Can you see this wrinkle day in it?

Yes. There's a wrinkle. in this jacket when I bought it, would you have bought it? I said there's a wrinkly ago. That's normal. It comes out in two seconds. This is honestly four years ago. It wasn't one of your specials, my so-called problems?

No, my fake problem. My fake problem. So you're doing a perfect impression of that special. This is. It's a wrinkle down and it looks so weird. And so I never wear it. Stolen from the shoot, as everybody knows. From the 50th anniversary, New Yorker magazine shoot,

where you said, let's walk. Yeah. I repeat myself a little bit. Now I remember. But yeah, this, this is a Gap T-shirt. You want one with the pocket. They fit better. What do you put in the pocket?

Nothing. Just like a compass from school? No. Everything goes. Your phone? A little heavy. Normally I do have a puffy jacket that's very lightweight and that's my man purse. Paula tried to get me a thing that I would put around like a, I'd look like a mailman from England, all my stuff in there.

I left it in every car, every cap, you know. But if I have a zippy jacket like that, I get wallet, cell phone keys and stuff in the zip, zipped up pockets. Because if you have it somewhere, it can fly out, it'll fly away. Oh, you're going to put your stuff in your breast pocket. It'll fly out. I'm going to have to talk to the doctor. Oh, the doctor says don't put your iPhone next to your heart. It's too close.

Yeah, that's true. Just to start with, though. Does she laugh at this joke or not? I don't know if she knows it. It's so funny. It's a comment. It's an homage. Like I said, she's just the nicest person in the world.

But it's like, could I get that med this month? You are now. I'm going to have to talk. I'm going to have to talk to the doctor. I never really got you. I never really worked on. I just said, hey, buddy, but I don't really have a perfect. There's not much of a personality here to deal with.

It's sort of flatlining. No, you've got your hooks. You know, your stand-up kind of like the way you move around and like, and I was like, you're like, you're like, you know, and she's like, boozy-sie-soozy. Little, little effects, little effects. It's very entertaining. Dude, I walk into a room now like I'm fajitas. I'm like, what's up?

I went back, hey. I got that sizzle. Got that sizzle. Yeah, you're on fire today. We should put a fire emoji up. Fucking Spade fajitas. You are presenting today. You are not phoning it in at all.

Oh, shit, it's late. All right, we'll do one more story. Yeah, come on. We're up to two hours. And then we have, yeah, we got a lot more stuff. We'll push them. We got a lot of ads. My hair got higher.

during the people like your hair being high okay go ahead this was about a brewery Wisconsin this is a palsy of this guy this is kind of

a brewery company admits they would give away free beer if a president was successfully assassinated how fucking sick

how completely and absolutely mentally ill are these people it is kind of that guy should get his own show or at least get

He does like a podcast. Napoleon Dynamite impression. Oh, I love that movie. So this brewery guy got in trouble. Of course. You can't go too far one way the other. It's just you can't pay free beers if he gets shot. I know.

I know. And they get even weirder. If there's some kind of bomb attack in Nova Scotia, we'll give you a round onion rings. I mean, there's rewards. for all different kinds. If there's a tidal wave in Singapore, you go all getting free pizza.

That's Polly Market, these people that bet on stuff. You can bet this is a way to get the rest of the world in on gambling. You can bet on almost anything, like when is Taylor Swift's wedding? You know, there's a lot of just day-to-day things that aren't sports. So now everyone can be addicted to gambling, but I'm sure one of them is.

And you can bet on anything. If the Iran, And if they open up the Hermuz, Strait of Hermuz, Strait of Hermuz! It's an incredible name. Whatever pirate or whoever it was centuries ago looked out and said, I'm going to call it the Strait of Hermuz. Why? Because your name is Steve Hormuz.

Is that why you're naming it that? Was it Lancaster? They goes, Hermu. How does he do? No, Kirk Douglas. I'm going to call it the Strait of Hormuz. I'm going to call it the Strait of Moose. What do you think?

I think that's a fine name. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Stretto whole moose. I read that a lot of the Trump cabinet, you know, you get to be in the cabinet of the administration. They're living on military bases, a lot of them, for protection. You finally got your dream. You're Secretary of the Interior. Now drop for 20, bitch.

Oh, no. Give me them potatoes. They're working missile. Yeah, they're in boot camp all the time. But they got to be in a, they got to be in a, well, they got to be in a military base. We're putting them in. Kaddish? I think.

Do you? Yes. Well, yes. Sure. How many things does Kaddish for you represent? So saluting is a Kaddish. Yeah. What else is a Kaddish?

I had dinner with Nick Swartz and we just make that noise the whole, we pick up our chopstick. Caduce, Kadoosh, Kadish. guy you and nick i was i was there nick is a mental case he's you guys must that he's hysterical he he puts a story on instagram maybe every day about me and just makes fun of me it's unreal let's have him on i know we'd have him on again he wants to come again for his tour came on maybe a little while ago so he can come back of course he's a friend of the show he's a funny mofo all right dan i got to go, so just let me walk to my car, then you stay on.

Yeah, I'm going to stay on. I'll stay on, and then I'll close the laptop by doing this. Kadeesh. Hey. See, I can learn. You've learned. All right. Thanks, guys. Hey, guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click

follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us review, five-star rating, and maybe you can share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey,

an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty,

Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Schott. Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. We can email us at fly on the wall at odyssey.com. That's a-U-D-A-C-Y dot com.