Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - Jizz-Lane Maxwell Updates, Pest Control Tips & Joe Dirt Tunnel Walk

Episode Date: July 28, 2025

Dana and David deliver an update on the Epstein saga, specifically on Jizz-lane Maxwell (yup, that’s how you say it ;) before diving into David recounting his Morgan Wallen tunnel walk—fully committed, fully Joe Dirt. The guys also weigh in on the Liam Neeson–Pamela Anderson dating rumors and share pest control advice no one asked for but everyone needs. And yes, the guy’s life hack? Be good-looking. Always. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

All right, we're pure chaos over here Dana. We got it Phew, man, these are welcome to pure chaos. These are you know, they're not easy people go. What is it? Like I go, you don't want to know what it's like. I Go wouldn't I want to know? People go Dana works hard on these you breeze through it. I go I Said believe me Dana comes out of the barn. He's like the Amish. She goes out there buses hump I said, believe me, Dana comes out of the barn, he's like the omen, she goes out there, buses home. Never, your thing is never let him see you working,

never let him see you sweating. I'm out there going, look at my funny voices, like me please. Mine is never work. I tell Gervitz, I go, I like to, I like to, I go, I like, I want a job, but I don't want to work. I guess you don't like money. You don't like money.

You don't like money. I'm going to manage you. Someone I knew ran into him and of course he went through all of it. Really? Hey, handsome. Oh, who's funnier than you? Yeah, he goes, I'm having lunch with Spade. He goes, what, would you lose a bet?

He's got his tricks. Full quips. I go, hey, where are you having lunch, Gervitz? And he goes, information is power. Money never sleeps. Strictly needs to know basis. Yeah, he's got them all lined up, man. He beats them all right before he falls asleep. I thought I was gonna get more for that. The landscape has changed.

Good night, manager. The landscape has changed. Who's funnier than you, handsome? Oh my God. All right, call you back. Are you calling me back on what? That's just how he hangs up. Call you back.

Mm-hmm. Call me back. Anyway you calling me back on what? That's just how he hangs up. Call you back. Mm hmm. Call me back. I know. Anyway, Dana, what's been going on? We've had a week off. Let's catch me up on your stuff. I'll catch you up. All right.

Well, I have a few current event things that piqued my interest. So it looks like they may probably won't happen any time in the next week or something. But just Zane, just Lane, just Lane. You can't make that up. It probably won't happen anytime in the next week or something, but Jizzane. Jizz Lane. Jizz Lane. You can't make that up. I looked it up. That's the correct pronunciation.

Jizz Lane Maxwell. Jizzy Lane, you're in my bungalow. What's the possible correct pronunciation? Go ahead. Jizz Lane. Let's just call her Jizz Lane. So I'm imagining that she's in front of a congressional hearing and I'm also acknowledging to myself

that I don't know what she talks like. She's never really spoken. So here is Senator John Kennedy. He's in on it? He's a Congress guy. Miss Jis Lane, is that your real name? Did I get that right? You were sort of what we call the point person

for Mr. Jeffrey Epstein, is that correct? Did I get that right? And what was your job in that scenario? And we don't know what she's gonna sound like. Well, you know, when I was on the island with Jeffrey, I set up the lounge chairs and get the sunscreen in the water for everybody. And then if a VIP wanted a date, I would go and look in the bungalows and make sure the hidden cameras were working properly.

I'd wipe off the lands, you know, I think that's what we call in Louisiana a bombshell. Did I get that right? I don't know if it's a bombshell. It was just another day on the island. It's the day at the office. So that's it. I like it. Yeah, that's one of mine.

What do you got? Let's go. Put the water wings on the girls and Yeah, make sure the blackmail stuff is all lined up. Make sure the cameras are recording properly We want to make our guests happy, but no one knows what she talks like. Maybe she'll talk like that Maybe I'll be my best impression She gets in court. They're trying to drag her in court, right? Drag her They want to drag her in and this thing is just going on and they're going to

interview her. She's the last living person that has all the records. I don't know. I'm just saying it's still a story. Right. And she was really Robin. It was really Batman and Robin. So if Robin's there, you want to try to get some info. They say, Oh, there's nothing to worry about because he's dead. But I think she's more worried about all the alive people that are on tapes or something. Right. If these these people did something illicit on an island with underage,

whatever's then maybe, maybe we have the right to know. I think those powerful people are nagging at her in the back of her head. Like they might be a problem if I rat everyone out. But hopefully something comes from it. When I was gone, I stopped in Arizona, I went to a Morgan Wallen concert, or as my mom calls him, Wallen Morgan, which actually sounds like a real name.

Wawaw Gegan, Wawaw Gegan, isn't that his name? There's a lot of country guys out there. Morgan Wallen is doing very well. I like Shabadabadoo. What's his name? Oh yeah, Shabadoozy, Jafluzy we had on SNL. Yeah, yeah. So what is Morgan, what's he doing, what's he up to?

So Morgan, he had two shows there and at the Cardinal Stadium, so he can do stadiums, right? He has two nights. So he has someone from, I've seen this on, you know, Instagram or something. He has someone, preferentially from that city walk him out. So I've seen, so, you know, if you're at a stadium, it's a long walk from the dressing room.

Like when the team comes out of the tunnel. But before that, he's got a dressing room in the middle of the stadium and he walks out. So hang on with that video. But so he says, Hey, why don't you, uh, he asked Theo to call me and say, would Spade ever want to, he likes Joe Dirt. He goes, would he ever come out as Joe Dirt? Walk me out. Okay.

So I said, I said, I don't know. Then I go, you know what? It kind of would be fun. This is kind of the place to do it. So Heather and I dusted off an old Joe Dirt wig and then we, Mollet, yeah. A real one from the movie. And I found the old, yeah, from Joe Dirt 2

and then I found my real janitor shirt from one. I said, I don't want to walk out with you. Why don't you come and pick me up along the way? Cause it's too long of a walk to be in fun here. So here it is. We'll just show you a clip. Okay. Okay. Put the volume up.

Let's see. So he's playing a song. Yeah. There we go. Oh, they knew right away. So you can see the crowd underneath that's on the big screen. There's Heather filming this. You see it's on the screen also. Sixty thousand. It's hard to think of little bits to do.

Well because it's all Miami visual. Yeah. Well, because it's all Miami visual. Yeah. You know, what do you? Little Hug and I run off like Joe Dirt when Kid Rock yells at me. Kind of a little, yeah. Super fun. So you didn't get to talk as Joe Dirt.

No, it was enough where they just saw, they could see that it was a, but it was good. They remember Joe Dirt and they recognize it. And then it was fun because it totally fits in with Morgan. He's got a mullet and he's a big superstar. Well, you know, I mean, did you have any sense that maybe you go with the shirt like this and it would say fly on the wall now on Monday, Thursday?

Now on Laserdisc? Oh yeah, fly on the wall now in even more confusing times. Which people still don't know. Our motto is keep them guessing. I think we should tell people that are confused, just keep checking. There will be two a week and there will still be two a week, so you will catch them. And as if we're not confused, I mean, like kind of have some empathy for our position.

It's Monday, Thursday. It's not any of the days it was, which would have helped, but it's Monday, Thursday. Okay, this just came in. I don't know if this is true, but Beep, beep, beep, beep. Jhazane got, Jhazane. Jhazane got a call in jail.

And I guess they released a recording. Let me just play it. Well, I'll just sort of, I listened to it when you were doing it. Could you act it out? Yeah, she's like, hello, who is this? You're not going to go anywhere. Are you? You're not. What? Who is this? I wouldn't do it.

I wouldn't testify. Why would you? My son, but I could do it. Who's that? Trump's telling them. What's it? Does it sound like Trump? I mean, I would guess if I had to say it. What I heard in the recording is, don't do it, don't do it. And if you look at it and you think about it, you wouldn't do it.

He's like, what are you talking about? Should I fix the secret cameras? That was what I heard. And I don't even know if that's real. Speaking of Trump, can I do a current event? 100%. So now he came out today, and this will be an ongoing story, Speaking of Trump, could I do a current event? A hundred percent. So now he came out today,

and this will be an ongoing story, that Russia was the ringleader for the Russia. Obama was the ringleader for the Russia. I did hear this, yes. And so I heard, this is on Daily Mail, that Springsteen called him to offer support. You know, he's like, hello, who is this? That's Bruce Springsteen, how to offer support. You know, like, hello, who is this? As Bruce Springsteen. How you doing, Mr.

President? I'm doing fine. What's up? I heard Trump threaten you. I just want you to know I got your back. Oh, okay. But I think I can handle it myself. No, I got your back.

Believe me. I got my boots on, my big boy pants and my cowboy hat. That's six feet of Bruce Springsteen coming right at you. All right. Talk to you later. I'll keep that in mind, Bruce. Six feet of pure Springsteen coming right at you. All right, talk to you later. I'll keep that in mind Bruce. Six feet of pure Springsteen coming right at you. All right. I think it's not a problem. I'm going to fuck him up. Fuck up Michelle. I'm talking to Bruce. I'm going to fuck him up. Boom. So these are just things I hear. Do you want to do one? We're baking a fun cake today. I just wanted to say that. I like these are what everybody wants. Short little fun cake.

No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. This is something up your alley. You could lean in on this first. Liam Neeson and Pamela Anderson are an item? Yes. Yes. Good luck. I have skills. Remember taking good luck. I have skills. Listen Miss Anderson, I've got skills I've acquired as a lover. In the bedroom? Yeah, make me a dreamboat for a Baywatch little beauty like yourself. You're kind of intense.

I know. I was born intense. Fuck yeah, he's a stud, dude. I hope they are going out. I like her. I like him. Yeah, she's cool I hope naked gun is good, you know, I mean it's funny to do the Leslie Nielsen part It's ballsy, but he's kind of a funny guy to do it because he's so serious

The more serious he plays you can't play it too serious and to I'm gonna see it I want to see it and I'll give a full effing review. You can't play it too serious, Mr. Spade. I have skills I've acquired. Shut up. Okay. Maybe he'll start that speech. He better do it in the movie, is it Joe? Oh, I bet he must do a part of it in the movie.

That's just like that of all the kind of guys over 60 that want to be action heroes. He got taken and that still has not been topped. And that speech was, you know, just incredible. Whoever wrote it. By the way, every movie I've seen him since is like taken from an igloo, taken from, it's all the exact same movie, but just the different surroundings.

They wronged him and now he's gonna write it. And they said, hey, Liam, could you not say skills this time, but kind of this, all right, all right, roll the cameras. I have talents that you can't believe. Talents that make me a nightmare. Cut, can you not say nightmare? All right, roll the camera. I'm in video village while you're doing this.

I'm like. I have cameras, I have talent that make me, make you feel bad if you come in contact with my talents I'm Leon Neeson but hey cut don't say the name your character's name is Joe oh I'm named Joe yeah I'm Joe I'm Joe and I've got a dream of hurting yeah I have a dream I want to my, my name is Joe Dirt. And I have a meteorite. He says, you know, I have a dream.

And they're like, don't say I have a dream. It sounds like Martin Luther King. And he goes, okay, I'm the guy from Taken. They go, no, don't say that either. Don't say the guy from Taken. Yeah, they go, I have a rowboat. Cut. What does that have to do with this scene? You're in a warehouse in the middle of nowhere, 20 guys with machine guns.

I know, I thought it sounded good. I've got a rowboat that if you got in it, it might be a nightmare. No, there was a flood and he goes, I have a particular paddle boat. And I know how to paddle and I know where you are. I have a bowl of mashed potatoes that I could smash in your face and make you dream bad things at night. Cut! We might call them smashed potatoes after. Thanks. I just wanted to add that. Did we get that where we cut all the...

Any kind of gruff voice is suddenly, Hi, I'm Pamela Anderson. Hey! Hey! She's cool. kind of gruff voice is suddenly, hi, I'm Pamela Anderson. Hey. Hey, she's cool. I, I. Why, that's a nice beaver. Thank you, I stuffed it myself. That's from the real show.

Oh, that's from the show. That's from Naked Gun. You know, Naked Gun 33 and a Third was directed by? You'll never guess. Um, Tom Hanks, Pete Siegel, Pete Siegel. I like those. And I do think that if there is such a thing as timing, having a naked gun, just ridiculous last per second comedy

right now, I think they've hit the zeitgeist right now. We could use it. We could all use a lot. We could use it all the time, but especially today, especially in this climate. Yeah. OK, what else? You have other stories, don't you? And then we'll get to the regular.

Well, this is this is this is a story. This is a newsflash. So we had a pest. Oh, I heard about this. OK, we're here. This is all over the chat room. Noise is in the attic. Grrrr. Grrrr.

Grrrr. Grrrr. Grrrr. Grrrr. And I'm thinking, it's nothing. You know. Ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt The old dial rotary and then it's a raccoon? What do you think? I immediately go to rat. Oh yeah. I go to rat.

Safe bet. We had a super happy cool pest control guy. What's up man? Alright. So we showed him how he could get in the attic in the garage and he goes I am so going up there man. I'm so going up there. Alright. That's really cool. I got a new ladder.. All right, that's really cool.

I got a new ladder, you wanna see it? The guy was like, so then I come back and I go, how was it? He goes, hey, guess what? I found a cute little feller and it was a little mouse that got into a sticky trap. We didn't even know there were sticky traps up there. There was a little mouse, it was quick. He goes, here's this little feller.

He's cute though. Well, that'll be $648. So my wife, I couldn't hear. She closed the door. I heard her say, what was she talking about? She was making out with an aardvark in the other room. But basically we heard noise. We got a guy and he was very cool. I mean, I was so happy to be out here and help you folks. You know, just one of those nice, you know, you have stories like that and you're. I like the guy.

He might've been a little starstruck by you. Well, he started calling me Dana, which is pretty cool. I had sunglasses on inside just to be sort of cool. And, um, I just was like, so you really like just crawling in attics where there's rats and feces? Yeah, I do, man. It's a calling dude. I like it, Dana.

Hey Dana. Hey, how's that guy David on the podcast? I thought I saw him at Morgan Wallen's show. I was out there and he came out came but they didn't let him talk so I'd heard that story before the podcast you know it's funny we were talking and they go you you can't hear Morgan well he said you know I have this earpiece in and I can't hear anything and then when he come out he goes so when did you come in while we're walking out he's trying to normal conversation I'm like

oh hey I got in last night but I'm leaving in the morning. And he's like, oh, cool. So how long, you know Theo a long time. Theo says you're a cool guy. So we're talking, meanwhile, the crowd's yelling and I'm like, hang on, I gotta do this. What's up, huh? But when I was in his dressing room and I put it,

we were bullshitting and then I put on that wig and everything and his shirt. And then I come out and they're all standing there like, and I go, you're gonna stand there owning a fireworks stand. I go right into like Joe Dirt jokes. So it just fit like a glove, you just. It was fun, yeah. I mean the wig isn't perfect but it was pretty good

and then it was just a good throw away. But you know, for comedy jokes, I walked, I go, this looks like a two minute walk and I go, it's about two minutes I go I said can he come pick me up so we cut a little of the time out because I don't know what I can do for that long I mean if you're just walking it's one thing like the night before he had Randy Johnson who pitched for the Arizona Diamondbacks he's like that Randy Johnson Hall of Famer yeah who used to have a mullet. And you don't have to have a mullet for this job. Six foot ten, I believe.

Yeah. And he would pitch and his fingers would touch the catcher's mitt. He was a tall man, Ed. He actually would shake hands with the batter. Yeah, exactly. After he threw the pitch, he'd say, here, while I'm here, let's just high five each other. Yeah. So they're going to Seattle next. I go, who are you going to get to walk out there?

Some fucking nerd. So he's just laughing. Well, that's not nice. Yeah. No, we had, we cracked up. This is fun. You were killing, you know it. There's a great time.

Something to do. I don't go to the stadium concerts, by the way, just his merch alone was raking it in. Raking it in. Well, why don't we just to amuse ourselves? Yeah. Book a stadium. Like we'll four wall it if people don't know that like we'll paper it. And we'll paper it and so we'll play a stadium and we'll ask Morgan Wallen if he can repay the favor and come walking out with us. Yeah. He might.

He's a pretty nice guy. I know. I mean, I'm just envious of musicians. I would love to have been just comedies like, what's up? What's up, Cleveland? I know. And they just like, I was on and off. Yeah.

He's got these hit songs and every every girl in Phoenix Center and Scott still came out they dusted off their cowboy boots they had a blonde hair all cowboy hats the once a year cowboy hat good deejee. So he is also a sex symbol. Yes they all of them. I'm gonna ask you a question just to interrupt the podcast. If Roy Orbison looked like Elvis Presley and Elvis Presley looked like Roy Orbison, which one would Elvis still have been a sex symbol? If David Spade looked like Phyllis Diller. sex symbol. If David Spade looked like Phyllis Diller. Now I think you're right.

I mean, listen, good looks matters. I don't care how you can argue it forever. It's always better to be good looking. And if you're in show business, it's such a plus. I mean, Morgan's a stud, but all these country guys, kind of the same look, kind of, it feels like. They all seem to do well. I don't hear about the ones that don't but the ones I see that are on tour

They all have big shows and well, it's generally kind of if you're a country music star You know, you got you got boots on like let's do this You got cowboy boots on your shit kickers. You got Levi's of some kind or jeans Some kind of jacket you're cranking it up. You got Levi's of some kind or jeans, some kind of jacket. And you're cranking it up. You're selling the authenticity of like, yeah, I always wear boots, just jeans, just a t-shirt, just, and I'm ready to fight anybody. Any second. I said, do you stupidly got a solid gold belt buckle? That was dumb because people will pick up on that. They're going to notice it. That's right. They have, you know, Elvis used to have a belt buckle. It was the size of a dinner

plate. I love Elvis so much. Oh, I just always thought what did he think when Colonel Tom Parker brought out the white jumpsuit with the bell bottoms and the plate says, did he have any I don't know if I want to wear that Colonel. Oh, come on now Elvis. It's a wonderful outfit for you. Big bell bottoms and a big old belt buckle. Yeah, but that's the size of a dinner paint Colonel. I, I like to come out in jeans and boots like a country star. No Elvis.

Now I'm the Colonel and I take 70% of your check. So believe me when I tell you that clown suit is perfect for you at this point in your career. What if Elvis just didn't listen and came out like an IZOD alligator polo shirt, you know, untalked, some brown cords. Yeah. I got my buskers.

Sketches. I got my sketches on. I got my, whatever you said, IZOD, sheesh-over. I got my whatever you said. I saw she sure. You know, the alligator one. Yeah. Left my home in Norfolk, Virginia, California. My 109 stud.

My mom was in love with Elvis. Oh, my sister. Instead of the Beatles, Rolling Stones had 500 pictures. Literally. She can't talk about being good looking. That is the guy that's so good looking. Of course, and he had a pictures literally. She can talk about being good looking. That is the guy that's so good looking of any integrated voice. So if you can start being good looking, start today, if you can. It does help.

Yeah, it was. But I knew a woman who had dinner with him once and she literally did the face. She said the entire dinner, he just was doing this. I like a salad. I think she got a crab cakes. Stay up there. The whole. I like some. What I think. You got a crab cakes? Stay up there the whole time. I like some, what do you call it? Meatballs.

You got any meatballs? With extra mayonnaise. All right, let's get to one story. I want some salmon and I'd like some ketchup to put on the salmon. Okay, go ahead. Here we go. We're kicking into it. Oh, this is, I'm from Arizona, so this struck me. And like fall to the ground. But I've never actually seen it happen.

This thing is massive. Out of your air vents. That's a big... A lot of people don't love scorpions. I don't want to have to do anything. No one's... When is it gonna fall? Cuddling up. When's it gonna fall? Yeah, you wait for it to fall. Oh, it's still walking around there. Ah, ah, that is terrifying. That's on your roof. God, I was just playing Mission Impossible. Things upside down. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun,

dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, moved to Arizona, when I was, during like SNL, I got a little place there and it was newer, but it's, you know, they always built it like right into the rocks.

It was a new development. So they put one in there building all around me. And when I'd come there off and on, I found total, I'm not lying, probably 18 scorpions in my seven years there, but they're terrifying. So I saw javelinas in my front yard. Those are like wild pigs with the big tusks. And then I saw two or three rattlesnakes. But I was on the phone, on speakerphone, talking to some lady and the scorpions was walking at me.

They're very menacing. Even if they mean well, it doesn't look good. Cause they got the stinger and they got the clamps to hold you. Yeah. In mysterious Island, 1962, they won on the Island. Everything's gigantic. And one of the things that I was a gigantic, a scorpion, the size of a Volkswagen. Yeah. Terrifying. Terrifying. Yeah. So I'm there and she says, she's on speaker, and I go, oh, hold on, hold on. I got a scorpion walking at me,

I gotta make some adjustments here. Because I have bare feet. And she goes, oh, I found a ladybug on my shower curtain today. I go, oh, I'm almost dying and you almost had good luck. It's not the same. You've got to categorize your insects, you know. You can't just, you can't make them all equivocating. They're not a ladybug you're talking about

when I'm wrestling a scorpion for my life. If you had to have, like you're asleep at night, and a gaggle of one kind of insect in your room. Ladybugs? None, just none. Ladybugs maybe. and a gaggle of one kind of insect in your room. Ladybugs? None, just none. Ladybugs maybe. That's my answer. Don't like insects.

No, I don't want it. Creepy, crawly. I had this question the other night. Oh, would I rather have, oh, we're on the road and they had a air conditioner, I couldn't figure out how to turn off the fan. I've had those. I've had those. I've had those as I go to sleep

and I don't like it blowing on my face, so it's freezing. I don't know why, so I'm putting pillows up around me. It's still hitting me. And then Bobby said when he went to bed, he said, when I went to the show, there was a huge spider on my wall and I go, I'll kill it before I leave. And he forgot and it was gone.

And he said, would you rather have that before you go to bed or the blowing in the face? I'm like I don't know. The spider scares me too much. I don't know. That's a tough one. Let's go with the phones. Maybe we're not very technical with stuff but sometimes this is just being in hotels

issue of the air conditioning. Sometimes you put it on low. I just want a low fan and all of a sudden it goes high by itself. Then you put it on auto. So sometimes they're easy and sometimes it's like a Rubik's cube. Fan high, AC high, AC medium, auto low, auto fan,

fan, fan, auto. I'm like, how about fucking off, babe? And how to set the temp. I tried to set it and then I was told you got to hold down on the button to set it. I was like, because it looked like it would just go down. You got to hold on to that one, Carvey. The thing with fans is like, I'm like, okay, off. Like, so it's off.

Just like medium air conditioning. I'm like, no, off. And they're like, okay, just low. Off. They're like okay just low off they're like well you don't want nothing I'm like that's what I want I want nothing no noise no blowing okay we're just gonna be a little fan just every couple that's all it's nothing it's literally it's almost remote control from yeah that's this air conditioner talking back to me always I thought it was someone

at the hotel. All right, David Spade, we love Joe Dirt, and here is a little light blow of air. Joe Dirt, coming right at you. You're gonna thank us later. That's what the AC thinks. You'll thank me for this. And I woke up, and then I finally saw this thing.

Two different vents right at me bent down. And it's like, kadouche, kadouche. You just can't get away from it. Dead sleep a wink, Dana. Get some kind of thing that covers your head like a lightweight helmet to protect you. Yeah, a lightweight helmet. That's exactly right.

From air blowing in your face. All right, Tom Brady gifts his son, Benjamin, Jacob and company billionaire mini Ashoka. What are these? A watch worth three million? I guess so. Is that what that says? Yeah, I think it's three million.

Mm-hmm. So Tom Brady gives this kid this. Spender, are you closing your eyes? Yeah, I'm closing my eyes. I see you peeking. Don't look. It feels shiny. The other kids are like,

that can't be real. It feels shiny. It feels shiny. Look. You better, man. Whoa! the down to the other side of track, see how long you last out in the hinder land, okay, little guy? You know, how long did it take that kid to fence that thing for a Rolls Royce or two, all right? Yeah, I won't be there wearing that to fucking Wendy's

to get a single with extra mustard. I think it's great, your parents are worth a billion, so I guess, contextually, that's like a regular person getting a kid a $3 watch. Yeah, he's like, this is for me. And Gisele's like, and me. Oh yeah, her too. And the trainer I married from him too.

Hi-ya! Hi-ya! He can beat you up, ex-husband Tom Brady with the chop chop. Armbar! Yeah, what can you do? Throw a football at Karate Man? Ain't gonna work.

I mean, used to be able to throw a football. I thought they had a very easy divorce, but you hear rumors that she still is like, you can't beat up my new husband. Not even close. That's, no one ever mentioned. That was the Elvis trick. When Priscilla left Elvis,

she went to her karate instructor, and so Elvis knew. Remember he was taking karate on stage? Oh yeah. Yeah, because he couldn't beat up that guy and so she felt safer with the guy. So if you get divorced, get a karate champion as your next husband. For sure. At least it's very clear.

But you know, Elvis had weapons. I know, Elvis had guns. I bought one of his guns. You bought one of Elvis's guns? First thing I bought at an auction, I was like, oh, they had an Elvis auction. I just stumbled upon it, Butterfield and Butterfield on Sunset. So I go, I loved Elvis. I want to get some stuff.

So I bought one was a signed picture of Elvis. I looked through all the stuff. It said to Judy out of the randomness and my mom's name was Judy. So I got her that. and then I got a watch Said Elvis Presley rounded and then that's cool. His buddies were there like Joe Esposito like this real You know boys and they were like, yeah, that one's real. That one's real They have to be authenticated and I got a set list He wrote from the Michigan Sheraton and it was like hound dog with an arrow put that later

Nice suspicious minds his handwriting lost it it was cool that was probably I don't know how much but the I got a gun that he used to wear in his boots where were you buying this some garage sale Elvis auction no it had an edit like a Sotheby's type and you know who is the guy had a call on the phone because I didn't want to be there. Cause I thought people would rip me off more. Will Ferrell. And he was competing with you?

No, he was working at the auction. And so I go, I got a call in and he goes, we'll have one of our guys on the phone. And he was like, my guy bids 2000 for that. And then at the end he goes, okay, come pick him up. So I went and pick him up and I saw him. But he didn't get on SNL until later. Oh, it was a young Will Ferrell.

Oh, I see. So did you have things like the bid is three million, three million, anyone? Anyone, three million is the current bid. Mr. Spade? 3 million? And I think Will was like this, he's like this, 3 million coming up. But it was really like, I think my watch was 7,000, 7,000, 7,200? And I go, oh yeah, and he's like, blah, blah, blah!

And then they finally goes, okay, you got it. And I'm like, yeah. Come around, pick them up. I took my Land Cruiser down there, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. God, I got to do that. That was fun, dude. That's why I keep buying that shit, it's cool. It's like anything that's one of a kind like that and you know it's real. I tried to buy his motorcycle, it was too much.

Little too much. All that stuff's gonna go up in value. It's like Bitcoin. There's a scarcity to Elvis stuff. Yeah, if you can't get it and it's for sure real. If it's authentic, what is it? Authenticated. Authenticated, that too.

I don't know. It sounds like a fun day Another story. I did like I like will of course. I like will ever since absolutely. Oh children in China playing with humanoid Robots, let's see how humanoid they look and show it began How that does look real Wow? Robots, let's see how humanoid they look. And show it beganch. Oh, that does look real. Wow. I don't like the way they dress though. It's a little scary.

Well, it's more than a little scary. I don't know if I'd make the face a ring light. I guess that helps in some situations. I wore a demon ring light. I mean, that looked like, that's a horror film. I don't want a lit up little robot thing that could choke out any kid and then on the block Hi as a robot what's fun to me is to kill you Oh

I'm called Funcake. Mr. Funcake. I will now squeeze You've stopped robot stop a robot stop no Robot stop a choke stop a choke robot Okay All right, if I'm not canceled, let's continue with the podcast. Okay, oh, Telegram. Dana's cancelled. Stop.

Stop doing the thing. Stop. Stop. Stop. I said stop. Stop. The robot thing, the AI thing, I'm just saying it's going to be big. It's big.

It's going to get big. It's already big. I asked someone from the Bachelor what they thought they go. AI be big. It's big. It's gonna get big. It's already big. I asked someone from the bachelor what they thought they go. AI is big. What was that? It's a big deal. Oh, okay.

That's how they talk. What country was that? That's from here. They add that on the end. No way. Okay, next story. When we hit a wall. We did. Yeah, let's get it first here now.

They asked you most about how you got three kids. Oh, hang on. Hold on. Hold on. This is Amon Raw St. Brown who I had in fantasy football. He's a great performer. His dad gives a pretty shocking answer for him when they're dating. Two kids. They want to know in general how I did it. I believe in breeding. Two kids are in NFL. Look at you. Good athlete. Good athlete. I'm black. Mom's white. I don't step on it once. You can't keep stepping on it

because you're going to mess it up. You're going to weaken it. You can't keep cutting it? Can't keep cutting it. No. You and Brooklyn, because Brooklyn's half and half. You got a chance. If I cut it one more time, it's over. You can't keep cutting it. You got to be careful. You can't just keep cutting it.

He's so serious. You got to keep cutting it. You know what I mean? No. I like to look dead-ass. If I'm black, I got the black gold running through my veins, oh, I'm excited. I'm just going to find the right person to mate with. Right? And if I'm white, I'm saying, let got the black gold running through my veins. Oh, I'm excited. I'm just going to find the right person to mate with.

Right? And if I'm Wyompson, let me get one of these brothers around here. If you want to have athletes. If you don't want to have athletes, then just go ahead and just spread your seed wherever. So why'd you cut it once? Because he could. I know I didn't cut it once. Because he's gold.

I got that black gold. I mean, mama got that big chin and big toes. I said, look, you remember that big toe woman? Big chin. Who says big chin? You gotta think of this stuff. Some guys don't think of it until later. You gotta think of it until later. You gotta think of it until later. I said, look, big toe woman. Big chin. Who said the big chin?

You guys think of this stuff. Some guys don't think of it until later. They go, like I'm standing at Pop Warner. You wouldn't know you on the field. One of you guys on the field playing and I'm talking to a guy, holding the story. He goes, you were thinking about that, John? I go, yeah, you weren't. He goes, hell no.

Okay, man, he's little. The wife is little. Kids are little. Everybody's little. It's over. Little, little. Little, he goes, hell no. Like I'm at a huge little, wife is little, kids are little, everybody's little. It's over. Little, little. Little, little, little. Little, little.

Little, little, little. What? So do you follow that the two kids are NFL players? Absolutely followed it. I'm just talking about you. And the dad is like, here's the, cause people go, how do you get two kids in the NFL? And he goes, simple, black gold.

Yeah. Black gold and don't cut it, don't cut it, don't cut it. Don't cut it. It's like cocaine. You get a brick. Yeah. You can only put so much fruit fresh in it. What do you cut it with?

Ah. I know this guy that used to deal and I'd go to his house, he's chopping up the coal and then he pours like fruit fresh on it and then baby lacks them. I go, what's this? He goes, it's called cutting it. Nobody wants 100% pure. I go, they don't.

Well, we would be like if someone had a different thing, like, you know, I got funny gold running through my body. So if you want to keep funny, you got to marry a funny woman. Now, my wife is a really funny woman. She can do impressions, characters. She's really sharp. So you don't you got to keep going with that lineage. So you don't want you don't want to be at a comedy club.

Look over this three guys. Not funny. Yeah. On amateur night, they're not putting them up because or he says, I'm funny. So I'm so funny. I can marry someone. It's not funny, but you guys, you have to marry someone funny. That's it. Yeah, I could, I could, I could marry an MC. Yeah. You got to marry a headliner. You got to marry a headliner. You got to be two headliners, two headliners. Yeah. Don't, don't water it down.

Don't water down the gold, the comedy gold. You want to get a gold album? 500,000 copies. It's so funny to watch the kids go. And then he says, your mom's got that big forehead. They're like, what? It is like, I knew someone who did think about breeding in that sense. Yeah.

I think people do think about it after, like, oh, what's my kid going to look like? Oh, with this person, think about it after like oh, what's my kid gonna look like? Oh with this person? What will it look like will it have your eyes will be? Strong you know will it be whatever well and then the gene pool I knew the woman who was kind of she wanted to marry a tall guy and the guy was like our height Basically, she's kind of disappointed the kid is 6 3 oh basically, just kind of disappointed. The kid is 6'3". Oh.

Oh, the kid shot up? Just have a, I knew a guy who's, he was six feet his kid went to 6'9". Me, you never know. Unless the mailman was coming around. Yeah, mailman's involved. All right, next one. Dana, we're really doing good.

I know, this is one of my favorites. This is. I I know I'm this is my favorite This is one I sent him because I thought it was interesting a I'm obsessed with black widows Marizona They scare the shit out of me and be Venus fly traps are so interesting nature continues to be I Was always under the assumption that spiders got their necessary nutrients and hydration from the prey that they caught But I have now witnessed on multiple occasions when the spider comes across the Venus flytraps nectar it starts to get... It gets tricked! And just like any other prey gets addicted to the nectar and then talks... They play it smart for a while, he stays in the edges....which sides you can see that it kept moving right down the

nectar line. While trying to collect as want to say it's a trap, but it is a trap. It's so ingenious. So... Okay, that's enough. let the plant know that it's caught something alive and that it's worth starting the digestive process. As the prey starts to fill the grass for the plant. Wow, so the plant does not have a brain. I don't know. It's genetically this clever thing.

Defense mechanism that like it waits and waits and it has to be stepped on a few times. And even spiders They knew not to go in the middle, but the nectar is so good They start to go deeper and it's like and get some kind of drunk They're a little anesthetized and kind of out of it So then literally a trap and they want them to fight and when they fight it releases better stuff crazy It's just a nature thing that's so nuts.

What the fuck happened on this planet? What happened? What happened? I mean, we got the weirdest. Are there pyramids on the moon? What's going on? Do we have to go to any other planet? Just go in a forest or the ocean?

Yeah, look at how nuts it is here. It's not boring, it's nuts. Yeah, you can go 100 miles down in the ocean and just see a thing like this big one. Yeah, go 10 go 100 miles down in the ocean and just see a thing like this big. With one eye. 10 feet down. What is the point? What is the point?

It's got two eyes. Are there cylinders miles underneath the pyramids? I don't know. Oh, pyramids, that's just alien intervention. I mean, that's not coincidence. I mean, they've studied it. They've gone all over the world. I love it.

I love it. It is aliens. There you go. Why? No one knows why we're here. No one knows how we got here. Yeah. No one knows where the fuck we are. So anything's possible. I say pyramids under the pyramids. And they're all aiming somewhere. They're not perfect longitude latitude. They're on the opposite side of the world.

They're like going and they couldn't make those back then. They didn't. You can't make shit. They had some yarn and a side of the world. They're like going, and they couldn't make those back then. They didn't even make shit. They had some yarn and a couple of strong guys. Let's build a house. Let's move this three ton boulder dude. Yeah. They got some fucking dirt, stone hedge wood chips. Are those the ones where they say the bodies are underneath and they're

just this? Yeah. But again, ancient man couldn't have made that. Are there giants in the Grand Canyon in the caves? Well, I've seen them. Then they walk down the river. People should mate with those. If you mate with like a nine foot giant, then your kid will be about seven feet.

If you mate with someone who has six eyes, your kid's gonna have 12 eyes. Okay we'll do one or two more. One more, we're on a roll. We're going so long. I can't believe what's happening today. Gamers have logged over 25 billion hours playing Call of Duty, surpassing the entire timeline of human history. God dang, that's a stat.

Wow. 25 billion hours oh about 2.8 million years I love the comments well I love the face you know yeah I like that people say oh yeah well whatever I don't want to get into it but the violence in these games has to reflect somewhat the violence of life because if you can professionally fake gun down other people for 12 hours a day every day for a year, yeah, and then you get out in the real world and you're like, I'm so good at this. Yeah, it's a weird thing for a kid to play that and just be hypnotized by it over hours upon

hours. They don't leave their room. I know. And so, you know, I'm an analog man in a digital world and I'll say that, you know, when I was at a certain age, we would play checkers and sometimes you try to get a king go down. Now it's like even that was too violent part cheesy strategico was a horror show and a lot of casualties I played strategico that's a good one it's hard she goes good man you probably just got in the corner three seven put bombs

all around you and bombs everywhere you were not offensive you're just I'd steal bombs from another strategic game, put more bombs. I don't cheat. I don't. I play battleship and just lay the trap. You saw my battleship was a great commercial. That's what I say to people, go away to a cabin,

shut everything off, play Monopoly. You'll be much happier than all these electronic games and quit looking at and listening to podcasts for crying out loud Dana Dana whoa no the art art we're okay because people are always doing other things when they when they're looking or hearing us we're in the background of the blender they're driving they're cooking they're vacuuming they're vacuuming, they're washing, they're bathing, they're hitchhiking. I listen to it while I'm cleaning the chimney. I listen to it while I'm using a chainsaw.

I listen to it when I'm thinking of maybe who the opening season of 51 hosts will be. SNL. Are you already thinking of the host? Well, yeah, who's gonna host the first show? Oh, yeah, who's going to host the first show? Oh, it's already coming back. Yeah, pretty soon. Oh, my golly, man.

Oh, yoli, yoli. Jar Jar Binks. Jar Jar Binks. Well, he's not working. Where's he been? I know. Wasn't he kind of a real one and done? Yeah.

Well, the great name. No one ever forgot it. Other than Jar Jar Binks. Other than that, he had, he's like Gervitz. He was a Rastafarian kind of, I'm George or Binks, man. I don't know, I can't.

No, he had a weird accent and he was floating around like a little propeller. I don't, star wars. Delightful. Dana, it was great having you on. I've run out of time. Thank you for coming on the Dana Carvey show My guest has been David Spade. Thank you for having me funny every week that I say It's kind of funny. I don't mind it. I ran out of ad-libs

313 hours ago, by the way, I won't bother you this but my mom can't get her contacts back on her phone So if it's still going my next week, we're going to get some people involved in the audience. Oh, to help us. Okay. Now I heard a rumor that we're going to try a couple of questions. Oh yeah. You want to do it? Let's try it. What's the worst thing can happen? Phil. Hey, David and Dana. Um, just wanted to know if you could give me some advice. I just bought a house with my fiance and we have seven kids total.

What do I do? What do I do? Well. How many Carbys were there? Five kids? There were five kids. It was a baby, a two year old, six year old, eight year old, and a 10 year old.

My mom was 31 years of age. She screamed a lot randomly. I would too. I'm sure your kids scream a lot too. That guy, if that guy's kind of funniness, then he played it very real. So I kind of, I mean, you know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, if it's true, let's say he has seven kids.

Let's say he has seven kids. He's not married, but he's had seven kids. Wait, I thought he said he's married. My fiancee. Oh, what's it going to take to close the sale guy? He's just going to what do you need? Double digit progeny until you bring out the... My God, you got seven.

When's it going to get serious? Woolworths has got a sale on a cubicle. When are you going to jump off Raya? What's going on? What do you tell him, Dana? Well, I would say try to get some help. I mean, try to find somebody who can come by once in a while.

Are any of them old enough to help with work? Right, if it's seven, you probably have a 10 year old in there, 11 year old, put them to work. That's fine, 10 is working time. Yeah, get the kids doing chores, vacuuming, cleaning, making their bed, military discipline. You get a short haircut, start doing pushups nightly, and marry your fiance. Yeah, marry at some point.

I would say maybe it's a money thing at this point, so maybe not, you're basically married, you're not gonna get far. I would say it's fun to do a little thing to us, but it's a little thing called Kickstarter. I'll get a Kickstarter? Get a Kickstarter. Is that like a GoFundMe?

Yeah. Or film it as a reality show. Call the, what was it, Goslings or who was it? Kate Plus Eight, was it? Mm-hmm, yeah. Octomom. That's the best advice, get a reality show. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, one more, we have time for one more question with horrible advice. Yeah, okay. Dana, when did you start learning the drums? What inspired you to start? I'm amateur, but Garth is what made me start learning. David? David, do you have any similar hidden talents

playing the instruments? Just one. ["Drums and Piano Music"] Ha ha ha. Thought we'd go the whole episode without it, the last second I got it in. I could never not enjoy hearing that. It's a trombone.

What was the question for you? Drums. Oh, they did it because of Garth. I think that's cool. That is nice. I mean, serious answer is like, my brother and I were into the Beach Boys. I had a brother, you know, I was like six, he was eight at that point. And we had a band called the Surfers on crayons we wrote on the hamster.

I would kick that. I had a Hardy Boys book as my snare drum. I shoplifted sticks and we had, he had, he bought a one string guitar at a garage sale for a dollar and he would play Louie Louie and that da da da da da da. And I was doing that. That's how I started. And then then we stretched out a slinky and played that. OK, here's a fun fact for me.

And you could look it up. I played a drum solo as the church lady on SNL. And because of the size of the kit and the thing I was doing, that was a better drum solo for me than the drum solo I did in the movie as Garth because... That was different size. Yeah, because the set was so big. So that looked that up, Church Lady plays the drums. Does your back hurt when you're in that little stool?

I could never do it. And then you have to lean over the whole time and you have to kick on the bottom with your feet. Well you remember we had Bill Burr and we talked about drums you know. For 35 minutes yeah. I know which was fun but yeah it is about relaxation and not trying to hit them you just want to come with your wrists but here we go. I can't air myself, but that's what I do.

Alright, we'll end on that one. That was great advice, whatever we said. Thank you guys again, and we'll see you next time. Thank you for joining us. See you next week on another edition. episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweettech. Booking by Cultivated in October.

Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hilary Shuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us at flyonthewallatoddicy.comcom that's A-U-D-A-C-Y dot com.