Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - McDonald’s Mustard and SNL Wigs

Episode Date: August 17, 2026

This week, Dana and David talk through David’s recent issue with McDonalds’ mustard, Dana gives a horse update, and they reminisce about SNL wigs. Also, Trump’s decoy plane, Buzzing Around, and the news of the week.

Your hair looks incredible. Hair looks pretty good for... I said incredible. That doesn't mean good or bad. Your hair looks incredible. I can't believe it. They don't put mustard on your hamburger. They do not.

So they don't even carry it anymore. That was the shocker I walked away with. Is that true? Because my wife always asked for no mustard. And she gets it. Dickie Roberts wants extra mustard. Can't you people work with me? Nobody's got a head, Mickey Mouse.

So how about Goofy? Nobody's going to go after Goofy. It's not Air Force One. Air Force One, he's in the goofy outfit, and no one's going to bomb Goofy. I would like to talk to David Spade. That looks like Lorne on a real bad day. I look fucking sprightly. Are you switching hotel rooms, or you're in a dedicated room until you go to Italy?

I'm a dedicated room. Okay. Well, it looks good. it's okay we're we're going if it didn't look good i would say it looks good it looks pretty good but it actually looks pretty good yeah it looks pretty good yeah as we've said my hair is pretty funny i mean people say you guys always obsessed about your hair we're just trying to get it to a fucking manageable situation is what we're doing yeah i'm gonna have to get a second summer cut oh no i didn't hear this news yeah i leave l-a for two fucking

weeks and then all the news comes out. I know. I got to just kind of, I'm going to go a little shorter on top. I'm also looking for a new, I got to decide what my next car is. I know I lease cars, ladies and gentlemen, so I have a choice and it's kind of mind-boggling. What do I want to save cars? Anyway, it doesn't matter. You know, I don't know if you had a Volvo, but volvos are pretty safe SUVs I've heard are the best ones but I don't know I had one well the secret they don't tell you should we say this sure that if you get a suburban or some like 6,000 pound beast the insurance companies don't worry about you getting hurt they worry about you hurting other people in cars oh really that is a dirty secret I didn't know that yeah so the insurance companies

are very friendly as far as your personal liability because they go, you're in a tank. Seriously, it's a war out there. Have you ever been on the 101 coming around L.A. with semi-trucks next to you? Have you ever seen that? Do you understand what it's like to be on the freeway in a car that's a machine, a killing machine? Well, cars, they don't drive regular, okay? It's not like we're in northern Idaho. When I was in Drivers Ed, they played Wheels of Travely.

mechanized death red asphalt the last problem and it was all our crashes did you ever have a driver instructor yeah that had he had a break too they jury rigged the car so he had a break oh he can stop it yeah you're a student driver and then the other thing I'm going to ask is you did you ever go into a trailer where they had simulated driving things and that was people were constantly walking out okay I don't I bet they don't have that now I can a flight training. No, we don't.

Speaking of Awa Akbar. I told you. 9-11 guys had flight training and I had simulator for cars. So it's like this drive, drive. The guy always said turn the key once, then turn it back. No, he said, press the gas when you get in and let it up and then start it because that squirts a little gas on it. I don't I have no idea was stupid things when I yeah yeah you have no idea

before your push starting your stick shift like I did every god dang day on the way to bus boying or well I love that with a Volkswagen bug it had the rear engine there was a booklet called you know car mechanic for idiots whatever and you actually could adjust the valves and then you could always put it in gear, push it, and then release it and start the car. I like it. You hold the clutch down, right? That's right.

You're neutral with the stick. You hopefully get someone to help. You open your door and you run it, run with your car. You push it from zero. And then you release the clutch. I had fucking quads of steel that would total panty drop. I remember that early days of S&L. Like they had to make special pants for your quas.

I go, what is with Spades? I mean, well, it's quads from the car. Carry underwood legs. Anyway, so I don't show them off because I don't want any huge advantage. By the way, my five of energies are really front and center. Jesus Christ. I know you're beating me out today. A leaning tower of.

I told you. What is you telling us? I don't know. All I do is what makes me laugh. It doesn't have to make sense. I'm telling the people out there. I'm holding up a puppet of Mam Danny.

Mam Damme. Mam Danny. Slam, ma'am, Dan. Thank you, ma'am. Okay, listen, I have a question first. Before I get to the politics, dance. Oh, God.

I've got some farm stories. Okay. There's two things that happen to McDonald's today. One, I went in, and the bar to open it is really long. So I... On the door? Yeah.

So when I go to open it, I stop myself and I go, I'm going to go here or I'm going to go really low where there's less chance of fingerprints and dirt. No one thinks of that. I think of it. And when there's a square floor, I don't just open it. I go to the top of it and pull it because if there's like a rectangle like pole. So because I want to eat that that poop poo disease going around. And so I go to McDonald's day, and you're not going to believe this.

No, I was just at McDonald's, too, so I want to hear your story. And I never go there, but I did. I know you're, I'm sort of let myself find my way to McDonald's on accident. I'm like, maybe I'll go to McDonald's. So I have a year past like Disneyland for McDonald's. You just slice it. Have a card. When I got here, I went to one.

And you can kind of get a vibe on the neighborhood by how trash the McDonald's is. and it was pretty rough. It was one guy out front in a headlock, and then I go in and two people laying down, there's more than one wheelchair scooter in there with people. One guy's asleep in the bench. I'm like, okay, this is sort of a mid-level one. It's not tough.

Can you tell us where you were? Well, it's sort of where I'm staying. So anyway, I go in today, and I says to myself, I says, I said, Dave Spade, you deserve a break today. So go get up and get away to McDonald's. That was her old commercial. And you sang it for Heather.

So I go in, I went alone, raw dog. Grab the bar. With a baseball cap? Yeah. Because you get mobbed a lot. You get mobbed. Your hair looks incredible. My hair looks pretty good for it.

I said incredible. That doesn't mean good or bad. Your hair looks incredible. I can't believe it. Whatever it is, I can't believe. It looks incredible. I'm not going to go on all day about your hair, but it does look incredible. He looks incredulous.

Okay, so what happened at this? No, this McDonald's. And I'm not going to bury it. I'm a little bit of a whistleblower. So I says, I said, don't destroy the podcast. We're going to get canceled. I know, but this is stuff we have to do, edgy stuff. This is edgy.

Okay. He goes, first of all, I want to be the guy that walks, and I gotta blank this out. The guy that walks in in front of me and goes like this. To the fucking McDonald's people and they drop what they're doing with me and go pick up their Uber Eats.

They just walk in like this. No expression, no words. They show them. Because they ordered it from McDonald's and they're like, I don't know. They walk in to pick it up. I didn't even know you could do that. See, you're not in there enough.

I'm in there, dude. It's on your phone now like Uber. Uber eats. Yeah, but the people come in and go. and then they go like this and then they go is that ketchup extra and the guy just goes

like you figured out I didn't even know English so anyway they do that cuts in front of me a little bit I'm fine I like it just puts it in their eyes and they go okay

and they know exactly what to do blah blah and there's a line of those guys with the mopeds they come in and just do all the deliveries so here I am patiently waiting no privilege

I'm not playing that game No, no, no, you're not trying to cut in line because of Joe dirt. I'm not cutting in lines because of cone heads. You're not cutting in a line because of grown-ups one. Yeah. I go like this. Grown-ups three, I'm in a bit of a hurry. So I go and I say, okay, I'll get this, this, and I end it with,

and a cheeseburger, no ketchup, extra mustard. And she goes, okay, no. ketchup okay and I go no ketchup I just didn't hear it no ketchup extra mustard she goes no ketchup okay anything else and I go are you I do but it does it say extra mustard and she goes no mustard I go no mustard you don't what do you mean she goes did it I go you're out of mustard no then she gets a little nervous then she goes She talks, you know, Spanish. And then the guy comes over and he goes, they confer.

And he goes, let me, like I'll handle this. He goes, no mustard. I go, you guys don't, you don't have mustard. Can she speak English? She kind of can. But then the helper comes for it. And now the manager comes over, who looked a little bit like this badami guy you're talking about.

He comes over and he goes, what's the problem? I go, wait a second. I'm not on, I'm like a troublemaker now. I go, no, I was just asking her if, I wanted extra mustard on and he goes, I go, you don't have mustard? And he goes, no. Don't say no like I'm a crazy person.

You don't have mustard. If we're on family feud, ketchup with mustard, top two answers on the board. Bing, bang, what do you want on a cheeseburger? Bing, bang. And he goes, mustard, no? Why is that? Why am I nuts? I go, you guys don't have mustard.

And I go, I go, okay. And before they call the fucking police, Because it looked like I'm saying, you don't have mustard here? And they're like, no mustard here. Like I'm looking for someone. Like they're all covering for mustard. I go, no, I want my. So I go, is there any way I can get?

This is my genius. The hot mustard. This is a horror story. Can I get the hot mustard from the McNuggets? And they all look at each other. Then they fucking cuddle up again. Look at me. Then he goes.

And they hold up. Yeah. And they go to put it on my, and I go, oh, that's honey mustard. Don't try to rat. Fuck me. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not on my watch. So then he goes, okay. And he does honey mustard twice. I go, you don't have hot mustard, hot.

And he goes, why are you so stingy with the hot mustard? They had it. They had it all on. This, it would be on the side, though. I go, I got it. I'm going to do the work. I'll do the legwork. get it in, I'll put it on.

It's something. It's not what I want. So anyway, they put it there. And then I go and then one of the employees comes out to fake clean. And I think they're keeping an eye on the whistleblower because they're like reporting back. And then the manager came out. Like, how is the troublemaker doing? Is he gone yet?

And I'm like, I'm taking sweet-ass time with my frozen fries that are shitty. It's hard to fuck up McDonald's fries, but they did. sometimes they're old look i did chat gbt it so one in a thousand people to order cheeseburgers have no ketchup and extra mustard because they put a lot of mustard that's what i want that's what i want so that threw them extra mustard extra mustard is a curveball i 100% and somehow that became we don't have any mustard i you know walk me through that why is you ask for extra mustard and then they go no mustard well then i found out they said the whole what they say they don't have mustard they never carry it that's the perplexing thing well what

oh you mean the little packages they don't put mustard on your hamburger they do not so they don't even carry it anymore that was the shocker i walked away with is that true because my wife always asked for no mustard and she gets it and i guess it and i guess Yeah, she gets it. She gets her no mustard. And that's their little joke. Sometimes you hear them giggling if you're a drive-thru. Yeah, no mustard.

Okay. I think we can do it. You got it. Oh, God, they're so effusive. That was like a shootout at McDonald's corrals. McDonald's was fun today because I go, what an adventure. What a roller coaster emotionally for me. I had to call Heather.

I go Heather. She was out doing something. She had to go to the embassy. And I go, hey, can you buzz by? Because she was, they drove her from work. And then I go, I'll buy and just help me with this. Just be my eyes and ears in here. Running a business means wearing a lot of hats.

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including us. Try for yourself today. And if you're unsatisfying, they'll refund your entire order. No questions asked. Head to zbiotics.com slash fly. Code fly for 15% off your first order. Should we get into the other thing? They had a big thing on the wall that said Elijah with some like some flowers and shit.

And so the lady came out and she goes, hey, what's Elijah? Very sweet. And she goes, oh, um, I think it's a lawyer. Now I go wrong. I don't say it, but I'm like, this is wrong. Wait, man. Is this woman working at McDonald's too?

Yeah, yeah. She was one who's flying on us. And she goes in the back, we forget about it. Then the manager, and he goes, it's the owner. And I go, oh, we were so nice. Heather's like, oh, okay, I love it. I think it looks great because there's flowers. And I go, Heather, why do you have an inside joke?

Not an inside joke, but shouldn't it be like, Merry Christmas or something we all understand. Happy Easter. But just saying Elijah with flowers and like streamers, I'm like, you're celebrating your owner in this store? Like, is that for us? I don't know. I'm not quite sure.

I don't either. I'm sorry. I should have quit while I was behind or the other one. But Heather's going to get a picture and send it to you. So there's no mustard and then there's flowers. and a manager. It says Elijah with a name on it. And I go, oh, that's probably a holiday or Jewish holiday or Muslim holiday.

I don't know why. I mean, I didn't understand it. But then they go, oh, no, it's the. And so when she was saying, it's a lawyer, she was saying it's the owner. Oh. And I'm like, okay, that clears up a little bit. But why are you having the owner's name on the wall? Like, who cares?

No offense. People like when I'm annoyed at stuff. And this is peak me annoyed. I didn't care about that as much as Mustard Gate. Well, you know, Mustard Gate, that's good. This is going to clip hard. I like it's almost. I'm going to say all platforms 10 million on Mustard Gate because.

Beginning, middle end of Mustard Gate, and people are going to revolt because if the word gets out that the whistleblower whistled. I'm making really a lot out of this, but, you know, it's a podcast. We have to. I'm still. not sure and i want heather to chat gbt it does mcdonald's no longer serve mustard on their hamburgers you know what that's a great question and i don't have no i don't want to yes macdnolds has plain yellow mustard they used it as a standard ingredient don't kill my story immediately another.

Uh-oh. Oh, how they're talking a fucking wistered more. Oh, wait, he just got more that was Tucker Carlson.

Dude, listen to the other, listen to McDonald's lawyer. Go ahead. Keep going. Wrong. You can also. They have mustard

and you can request extra, but you've, you were told they don't have mustard and you can't request. Oh, my God. Now it's on a goddamn.

God, And we never pull up anything just to make my story fall apart. But honestly, I'm going to do something extra. I'm going to send Heather in there on a recon mission and just casually ask them and film it quietly. Do you got, oh, can I get mustard? And they go, if they go, no, no mustard. I go, oh, you don't have any? And really dig like 60 minutes.

Well, we're going to have a follow-up story in this. I'm Leslie Stahl and this is 60 minutes. well here's here's my boring analysis of this of the boring story the boring analysis is like they're a machine they're like burgers coming out yeah you know and one is a dollop a mustard one's a doll up a ketchup unless someone has said neither to both so then when you see no mustard like what do they do put your burger back into the assembly line and add a second dose They'd have to open up little packages, I guess. That's my theory.

The theory is it makes it harder, which all those special orders make it harder, but I feel like they're in L.A. when I'm there. Well, they could. If the burger hasn't been made and it's not, then they could just hit it twice, I guess. I'll leave you with this. It's the best sound effects I got right now. I'll leave you with this. I feel like the podcast is over. Here it comes.

This store doesn't have mustard. And then we'll go. That's all. Okay. That's a long way to go. Shoot out at Mustard Cafe. I'm going to say across all platforms, 20 million. But it does have a mystery to it, so I like it.

Okay. Horses, we got horses. Another horror story on the farm. Yeah. We had a jingle. We should have a jingle. So, Mm-hmm.

Shake a leg, Colt. So, yeah, the cold, the baby cold. Now we're just de facto calling it the baby. So the baby is sprinting around

our pasture. Mm-hmm. And, yeah. And then I guess there's some brambles, some stuff that was cut down and there's sharp wood. So the baby,

brambles are sharp and the baby is incredibly fast. I think it's secretary. I've never seen a horse run this fast. but it's it you know it's been alive for 33 days so you expect it to run fast so all of a sudden the baby is limping no we're what we're looking out there sadly limping and the other horses e or kind of the little quarter horse is like you know whatever you're probably you know so

we're worried that's fracture yeah yeah the one thing about thigger um you or eore is a sad sack So basically we're worried. Then we find out the little guy cut his leg. No. Deep, wound to the bone. So our caretaker, Jose, comes and he's cleaning it out and wrapping it. All right.

So then we're glad to hear it's a cut. Is it in the foot? I'm sorry. Is it the foot or the... Yeah. Like the step on. They act lower, lower down in the foot between sort of the knee to the, you know. Oh, okay.

And it's very spindly right down there. there so it can easily go to the bones. So basically the next day, he's got to take up to the vet, once the little one to go to the vet, get shots, get it really cleaned out, all that kind of stuff. Has to take the mama in the little trailer.

So they leave, and this has happened before. So Sad Sack, Roja, they don't realize his buddies are coming back. So he starts nauging so loud the entire neighborhood is calling us. Like, what's, what's going up with that horse? You guys are right over there? Like, it's so freaking loud.

And we're trying to feed. So that was, you know, it was, it was nice. I mean, the other thing is that the mother now is probably already pregnant that just had the baby. It had been three weeks. They took her to the stud farm. The horse, and it's not a joke, its name is the beast. And next week, I'm going to show a short video. video of the beast just coming out of the arena and to the sounds that the beast is making

is quite, quite unbelievable. Peter North, all the big, these are porn names. Girtmaster. He took her, took her to Guthmaster. Well, they get very excited when we feed them. So we wanted to take the fly mask off because a friend around here says, hey, she shouldn't have that fly mask on all night. So Paula wanted to take it off.

So I had to These fly masks, which helped their eyes, but then they get really dirty. So she's taking on. So I'm frantically feeding it carrots. But the big horse, McGrose, a big mama, if she thinks she's getting fed but she's not getting fed, she will kind of really bully. So, yeah. So it's this three ring circus.

It's very exciting, David. It's great. No, it's a more fulfilling life than mustard at McDonald. I'll tell you that. Because you see beautiful horses, beautiful nature. I'm near river. I think the Sully Hudson is right here. I think I do not know what this river or ocean is because I'm so dumb.

But when I walk by it, it is better than walking in the middle of a city. It's good to have water right there. Oh, yeah. It's nice to be a little more slightly rural or not quite big city. But the main takeaway is that we talk to people, have horses. Horses are never totally normal and they're never boring. There's always an issue. You know, they're crashing into tires and they're eating parts of tractors.

Other than that, they're incredibly adorable. Paula goes out there, inner chair, sits in the middle of the pasture, and then Magrosa just licks her laptop, eats her hat, circles around just so that you get bonded to them it's pretty scary they hang out yeah it's good yeah

Whitney's a horse girl Paul is a horse girl I like it I mean I see why if you really take a look and cut through all the bullshit like just a horse and hang out they sort of zone into you and you can tune in

and they're well they felt that when the little one was hurt the way they their whole body posture just went really sad and the mother had blood all over her chest because when the baby was bleeding, she was leaning down trying to lick the blood, trying to help, but they don't have hands.

Right. And so she got all cleaned off. The baby's going to be fine. But again, we had another 36 hours. They're like, oh, whoa. You know, it's like the pit, but with horses. Kind of. Yeah, we are.

We're a triage all the time, man. Well, you had kind of triage. We need more mustard. Ten Cs, Cs, or ringers, lap. lactate. Dickie Roberts wants extra mustard. Can't you people work with me? I like they go, you want mustard?

I go, can we bring everybody up front? Yeah, okay. And I go, wait, I like when the guy thought, what's the problem here? What's the problem? I was like those guys in cops. No, no, no. I don't have to show my license. I don't have to get out of the car.

Someone's about to get beat up. I don't get out of the car. You can't do that. I'm not in the jurisdiction. I know. I do is watching this cop videos or they get pulled over and everyone's a lawyer. The biggest frustrating thing, even though I'm changing subjects, is there always on the fucking phone. If I was a cop, I couldn't take it.

It's like this, uh-huh. What do you want? Get the fuck out of here, pig. Anyway, blah, blah. I go, can you give me your ID? Fuck you out of do shit. Uh-huh. It's either their fake lawyer, their friend, their mom.

Why are you on the phone the whole time you're getting pulled over? I'd be so scared. I'm like, I'm going to get beat up. I'd be like, bye. cops go hang up no no no I have civil rights and I also have jurisdiction they just throw out this lingo and everyone goes and they tell them a hundred times to get out of the car or they're going to break the window they break the window finally 20 minutes later and then people go what like that gets a surprise i got a little heavy-footed uh probably a few months ago and i probably told this but the cop pulls me over big highway and I go okay you know I'm looking for the stuff and it comes in the other side

I put the window down he goes hey and he recognized me all right mother was a huge fan so that was it was selfies I'm not going to give you a ticket I go I know this thing got away from me I'm sorry dude so we're outside posing this and that you know and then at the end he goes do you do you know david spade very very well is it true he's got this mustard thing with McDonald's I said And this was six months ago. He said this. Go ahead. What is he?

Does he have some kind of mustard fetish? Because the McDonald's, I go to go, you don't want to deal with David Spay because he always needs more. And they don't give more. And it's a big thing. They have my picture in all McDonald's. Like a wanted poster. Well, I got pulled over and he goes, here's you. They go, do you know how fast you're going?

And you go, do I know how famous I am? Is that what you said? And they go, oh, Dana, that is you. I don't really, I love not getting recognized. I'm an introverted extrovert or an extroverted introvert. I don't really like to be fussed over. Oh, yeah, not you. I like being stealthy.

Yeah, I agree. I'm stealthily walking around. You can hide pretty good. You can just, I hide in plate sight. Go ahead. What else? So here's something else that I thought was just kind of interesting that, you know, Iran wants to take out Trump and so that they have to smuggle them around in different containers and transfer planes.

I heard something about this. They have like 11 decoys in different costumes. And Lorne Michaels was, I can make you some Trumps. We'll get out like in there. You know, we'll work it. So Trump is constantly in all these containers. And I figure eventually Trump will go, I got an idea. Can we put me in a giant tomato can?

I made a giant tomato can. They're never going to suspect to a giant America. And they go, yes, sir, we'll probably do that. What about a Mickey Mouse costume? I mean, Mickey Mouse. Nobody's going to head Mickey Mouse. So how about Goofy? Nobody's going to go after Goofy.

It's not Air Force One. Goofy. Air Force One, he's in the goofy outfit. No, no one's going to bomb Goofy. No, no one's going to be like, no, I don't see the president. There's goofy. There's a secretary of state. But no president here.

You don't have to bomb us. I like they. Spaghettios. Spaghettios. you make the can big enough so I can fit in at spaghetti as nobody's going to bomb spaghetti it's out first put in me what about I did see they took them out like in a beverage car they put them in yeah it was a beverage container giant you know yeah and they and they drove in a truck like where they unload the luggage and he yeah like this nothing to see here yeah the thing

was on the Air Force one everyone else was just on the Air Force one and for a while Trump was loaded onto this other plane that was like just some nobody's military plane so air force one if it was shot at that would have been but they thought trump was on the air force one right and he's like trump's going to be like don't get mad but if you guys get blown up you did it for the right reason is it possible that iran is iran is listening to this no don't get well our secrets uh in other news uh a well, we'll get to their stories. Is that Hitchcock? I would like to talk to David Spade.

That looks like Lauren on a real bad day. You know, you go to St. Bart's, the buffets, you put out a few pounds, but it's really not a big deal. Lauren watches and listens to this podcast. I did run into Jimmy Fallon and I was saying, He said he was saying how Lauren is still funny. He was saying different things Lauren was saying lately. It's hysterical. He's still pretty pretty.

Yeah. But he's small. He's like, like, if you don't know, when you do SNL, Seth Myers is like one floor down. Conan used to be down where we'd walk down one set of stairs and then you could go on Conan. So if you're hosting, you can promote. If you're a cast member, Yeah.

Hey, send down Chloe Feynman, send down the Sherman. So Seth also Fallon is on 30 Rocks. So he's always seeing Lorne. He's always going to S&L. Yeah. But he's definitely a crackup. That's the first like normal thing I did. I went into New York and hung out.

And I got to do some spots, dude. I got to work. I got to Vegas. They're letting me go to the Caesar's Palace one with, Nikki on Memorial Day weekend, Labor Day weekend. Okay. So you're flying all the way it'll be. Okay.

Friday's a day. Yeah. But it'll be fun. And then last night, Swartz and that little twerp is out here. And he just got in to do something on the movie in. And I left dinner. And then when I got all the way home, he goes, oh, I walked up to the comedy seller. Nicky's here.

I'm like, oh, I would have come and done that. That sounds fun. Missed out. What, one. How many sets would do you, if you're just in a float per month, if you're in town and stuff? I'm in town. Three times a week. Two, possibly three.

And I just need to like rotate jokes around. So when I get to them in my set, I can remember them. I always try to put in one new one though. I put in one the other night. It was pretty fun. It's all scary. You do stuff you know. and you get nervous,

then you do one you don't know, and you hope it works, and then you do the rest, and I tape it, and then I go back and go, okay, did I do that right? Some of them you would think it's fun. Some of them are so weird now,

but I just want to make sure I'm in good enough shape for that weekend. And other than that, movie's going all right, and it's very sweaty here. I will say there's no complaints when you're doing a movie. There's not one person.

on the planet that would listen to them, entertain them? No. Or like you can't come home from Wayne's World and go, God, I'm in this huge movie, Wayne's World. It's a sequel. And my wig was tight today or whatever, you know, they kept us an hour late. People go, oh, no. I'd love to be in a movie.

And you go, oh, yeah, you're right. You just expect to be a little uncomfortable and just accept it, not even think about it. I mean, they would pin the wigs extra hard in the movies compared to SNL. Like, really better. Mike, I've had headaches for a while, and he shaved his head after a while. I'm not sure. I think they put a ball cap on. Maybe, well, do you put a ball cap on you two or yours just fit over your hair?

No, I just, they just slicked my hair down and then they put that sort of nylon thing on. And then pin it down. Yeah. And then pin more. Yeah, it's really, it's kind of, you get used to, but at first you like, Not really tight. Everything about it is vice grippy tight. We're not complaining.

We're just saying there is stuff at SNL that, yeah, your things are, an SNL is a quick change. They got to rip something off and they go, can I rip it off? Yeah, I have to rip it off. I got 20 seconds. Yeah. And a lot of people on SNL do, like a host will put the bald cap on before the show because it used to take 45 minutes. It's probably quicker. But you put it on.

Now, monologue, here's my real hair. wig ryan has one that looks like his real hair yeah is if not they have to blow dry it style at a so it's a fake ryan home and then go yes you got an hour before the air show so let's wash it again in the bowl blow dry you don't have time so they go wig a lot of the time and then every sketch different goofy wig you know which is half there was one famous uh person on i will never say who it was uh but uh actor who had a hairpiece but didn't want to acknowledge it so they put the bald cat everything was put on top of the hair piece oh really which makes sense but it was just kind of fun oh they didn't want to take it off

you didn't want to take it off put it back on so well in movies in movies i could i think mike said on wayne's world that the the bald cap was so tight and so time consuming and then to put the wayne wig over that half he shaved his head just so he could put the wain wig on and not do the whole ball cap. Probably the same thing with Austin's powers. You know, he probably just shaved Dr. Evil's head. Is there another Austin Powers? Is that what I heard? I have been

hearing it for years. They just did another commercial. I saw it. Hey, he likes money. Rob Lo was in it. Roblo like our manager handles Roblo also. Likes to work. You don't like money.

I'll put you in it. Hmm. So we'll show some clips if you want. Yeah, I think I think we should. We don't need to talk about it. Oh, do you have to do a five. Oh, yeah. Flipping around.

Flipping around. Should we do that? Now it's time for buzzing around. Sponsored by Five Hour Energy's, Firework Freeze flavor. Ignite your taste buds with a red, white, blue freezer pop classic. Reimagined is a delicious

Firework Freeze, five-o energy shot. Find Firework Free Shots online at Five-OEnergy.com. or Amazon today, buzzing around. Dana's going to have three characters and make a fake scenario, at least, up to 200. Well, for today's show, if I may, I'm just decided to do a fan-favored episode. Okay.

I have no idea what's going to happen. I have no script in mind, but the church lady. Yeah. Hans of Hans and Franz. Garth and George Bush, Sr. from heaven, are on a cruise ship. Can I tell you something? With David Spade. Go ahead. I'm not going to say how, what, who are where.

I've already mentioned the name Hans and the name Franz in the movie. What? Is that hysterically crazy and mysterious? Do we get a nickel? Can a brother get a? No. Are we getting any kind of remuneration for you? Renumeration.

You're getting a... Leaning in on, you know, you're parasitical. It's great. It's fine. No, you, you, you know, my cactus and your cactus. Cactus. Not exactly. No, it's a wonderful idea, but I, you know, kind of like I'm proprietary about my...

Nauseous. Andre Previn. I mean, it seems like a woman. Andre Frette. That's a good one. I always know that from doing Woody on the show and they made us all do Woody Allen and then my line had Andre Previn in it. And that was right.

That was Mia Farrow's ex-husband. And that's the connection, right? Yeah. You know, she's with Andre Previn, you know, not exactly the shortstop for the 52 dodges. That's funny. Legs. a guy. All right, you're going in a day.

All right, here we go. Quiet on the set. We are good to launch. Three. Well, well, well, here we all are on a cruise ship. Clause. Yeah, everybody's here and their buttocks are hanging out. And the buttocks are soft, don't you think,

Church Lady? Well, well, well, they are soft and bulbous. They like to show their naughty parts when they get up from their chaise lounge. Then they go in the pool. They're dripping bathing suit with nipples on parade, strutting and grinding up the staircase for all the world to see. Yeah, I don't really think I know what you just said. Something about world seeing who? I'm going to call Wayne.

Wayne, I don't understand the church lady. Wow. Well, wait a minute. George Bush Sr. here. Everybody slow down. Take a breath. Right, Hans? Take a breathe.

Yeah. Take a breath and hold it in. I can hold my breath for 17 minutes. Don't be frightened by my muscular lungs. I'm muscular. Well, don't find them scary. Just enlarge, bigger lungs than regular lungs. Oxygen coming in, holding breath.

Good one. Hans. You guys are funny. I don't like it here. This cruise ship is a wasted time. I can't get tan. Win! All right.

Well, well, well. It's me and the three stooges. You gentlemen just don't care too much about Jesus, do you? Well, we count about our muscles. Is that count? Well, I'm going to sum it up. Church lady, sexual, worried. Horn dogs, a plenty on the deck of the USS, whatever.

Garth, Shy, Demir, calling for Wayne, Hans, braggadocio around his muscle dosos. This is George Boers Sr. I throw it to David Spade, live correspondent from the cruise ship. Here he is live from Hoboken, New Jersey, David Spade. All right, that was buzzing around. Five hour energy, firework freeze flavor. Or was I supposed to say something? I thought you were going to chime in as like, do a David Spade on the deck of a cruise ship guy. I know.

I was just like, I thought that would wrap it up. I do like that George Bush does one word about people. Engorged. Well, you get it down. Cruise ship, buffet, buttocks, display, Chase Lounds, USS Horn Dog, the Sea, Tidal Wave, There's got to be a morning after. From the beside invention. All right.

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five-hour energy shots. Available at Fiverr Energy.com. Amazon today. And that was a good one. And that was a fan favorite. I want people, this the first time there. hearing this and then go, what does he just do the exact same characters from S&O?

No. But sometimes on a fan favorite day we do. A fan favorite day. The characters are what I call evergreen. Yeah. Go apologize to have journeys say they don't do. Don't stop believing. Come on.

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Sure, clip skills. This is a clip I saw going on. This is like QVC. live. Okay. Mm-hmm. They always step in it live. Show the texture and this wave pattern. Again, it looks like you went and got a blow job at your blowout. Okay.

That's funny. A lawn. And it looks beautiful. Now she starts laughing. All right. So here's what's happening today. We're having a huge beauty sale. Everything ships free, but that is funny.

I will remind you. See, now the girl's laughing because it was, it's not a put on. I could see that she actually blow out blowjob. She actually, that's hysterical. And then she, I think, leans over because she's laughing going, what did I say? Oh, okay. Be a fire. That was great.

Okay. That's all right. Okay, we'll try another one. That was a nice. Very funny. That was a good one to start. I'm proud of that clip. Yeah, that's good.

I'm proud of it. This says gas station bathroom looking pretty good now. What is this? Oh, that's falling everyone. Oh, would you go on his point? bathroom Dana. Bro, let me go.

That guy was in there. Look at these bugs. What? That's a gas. No, I would not go in there. All right. Oh, they holding a guy in there. How terrifying.

I would kill that person. Oh, they were just. Oh, by the way, there's one million crickets while you're taking it dumb. I had this. I stopped at a gas station another day, and there's two guys behind me. It sees big burly working guys.

We're coming into. the two bathrooms. It's like one of those 20 minute waits. They're like, they're really laughing. And I go, yeah, he's destroying that place. And they started laughing so hard. I think they were from south of the border. He's, he's destroying that bathroom.

They're laughing. Their asses up. But no one wanted to go in. I mean, once it gets past 15 or 20, just what is going on? Multiple flushes, flush, 10 minutes later, another flush. I will say, I would, out in Malibu and there's like a little mall type of place out there to walk.

It's very nice. But on the outskirt or right on the back of it, they have the bathrooms. But there's what six people. And so I wanted to say, would you ever just walk up and cut in the front and go, hey, I have diarrhea. Can I go next? That's the way to go next. What could, what would you say?

People would just go, yeah, yeah, go ahead. But now I've got to follow that. So it's tricky. I don't know. Has anyone ever said that you're aware of? I have diarrhea. Tell people, like, would you ever do that? Like, if I go, Dana, I'll give you $10 if you did that.

And then. I wouldn't do it. I guess my first impulse would be, you got to prove it. Oh, if someone's, then that would be worse. That would be worse. Yeah, you got to prove that you have diarrhea. But then I don't want that either. Yeah.

You know what? I think I get it. I go to the gas station if it's one of those. pull off, go to the next door gas. I think I tap out at that point. Yeah, I don't go to another place. People that tell me they don't go number two in public. It always sounds like a lie.

I'm like, well, what can you do? What can you do? Well, why would number one take 17 minutes? I don't think, you know, I think there's a lack of fiber in the American diet, and it is a Herclian task for certain people. I love it. They get a newspaper, they're checking their phone, they're calling people, they're filling out forms, their tax, doing their taxes, because they know that they're going to be there for a long time.

I heard a funny joke. I'm going to say off the air. It's a second off the air. No, it's someone else. Your new nickname is Extra Mustard. That's what I'm going to call you from now on. Extra Mustard, Spade likes Extra Mustard. Secrets out. No, I'm going to call you. I'm going to say to Heather, is Extra Mustard ready to come on the zoo? Okay, next one. Okay, Extra Mustard.

That's good. That's a good example. Okay, the Hindenburg disaster. Okay, let's see. This is a real conspiracy. People as it was coming down to the ground slowly like a balloon. They jumped off and they were fine. Like, majority of people, it's crazy that more people didn't die.

It's not like a plane crash. Plan goes down. You're dead. Right. So it's like sky cruises, right? They were luxurious sky cruises. And they were viable. They'd go across the ocean.

It was just another form of travel, but it wasn't controlled by the oil-only mafia. So I believe it was helium that they used for blimps. Helium is non-flammable. The U.S. government had a monopoly on helium, and they refused to export it to Germany, who made the blimps. So the Germans said, fuck it, we're going to still use the blimps. So they decided to put hydrogen in the blimps instead. Good old hydrogen.

So then there's reports of somebody who saw the Hindenburg that day. He said that he saw a spark shoot at it. They shot an incinerary round and they shot it down. And it lit on fire because they were using a fuel that they had to use because of the U.S. monopoly on helium. If they had been using helium, it never would have happened. This guy has a lot of free time.

Here's my thing is that the hydrogen, like helium also, as we know, birthday parties, makes your voice go like Mickey Mouse. So when the thing was crashing down with the hydrogen, there's a famous radio guy. Oh my God, the humanity,

the humanity, and that's blown the Hindenberg. But if it had been filled with helium, the guy would have sounded like, oh my God, the humanity, I can't believe. Oh, the people are running down the flames. going everywhere.

This is unbelievable. He's on fire. That would have been, that's kind of a funny joke. I actually did that on the Tonight Show, but I didn't talk, I didn't say that helium, I didn't say that helium makes your voice go high,

so it played a dead silence, and then Jay Leno leans in and goes, yeah, we can cut that if you want to cut it, you know, because they didn't understand that helium is like the balloon party thing. He did that to me once I did a joke that bombed me. He goes, well, cut that out. They're going to do that bad? He goes, yeah, nothing.

You got nothing. Well, really that bad? Yeah, it's the worst I've ever seen here. I mean, you really, it's one of the worst jokes I've ever heard in my eye. Jay wouldn't say that. I'm saving you. No, he did say I'll cut it. Because I think it was to protect me.

He's like, we can take that one. Oh, no, no. He was trying to protect me too. You want to take that out of the answer? It's true, though. You don't need that fucking clanker. You know, the classic big clanker is, Just, and I tell this to open micers every day, if they don't understand the joke or they don't

understand where you're going, then it just. They can't laugh because they don't get it. That'll ruin a joke and then you'll lose faith in it, but you go, just clarify. Yeah, and I needed to say that helium, you know, like a balloon party that makes your voice go high. Then the radio announces, it's as much of a surprise, but at least they know. Well, if that guy says the oil thing, which is possible, but also his, his, his, his convenient guy on the ground said they saw someone shooting at it and sparking it. It is true that there hasn't been one catastrophe where they stopped building rockets

where they just said, no, never again. But one Hindenburg goes down, they go, nope, no more blumps. They're like, no, you can't do that. Well, it was years later. But once they got, you know, a 707 where you're like at 40,000 feet and you're going like almost a little sound, yeah, I mean, those things seem cool. But they seemed like they were meant to blow up, basically. Well, I think the biggest takeaway from me, you didn't understand this.

But I did. I was confused. I think he said, not everyone died. Is that, or no one died? Is that possible? There were people because there's an undercarriage. Because Atlanta's blowing off. They ran.

Yeah, it kind of is, it's crashing slowly because there's still helium in the thing. And so right down at the bottom, they have those little almost railroad. road carb things and people jumped out and ran away. I don't know the exact details. That's better than your precious airplane because those don't go down slow. They fucking blow up. No. I mean, I, you know, once times I've said this far as I took mushrooms and I was golfing

next to somewhere in south of LAX or something. And we're all the mushrooms and the golf balls are orange and we're like kind of already tripping out, you know. And then I saw one of these. blimps, good year blimps, came right over us and it landed next door. So in those days, I went over, I had the pay phone and I asked if we could, could we go up in that, just me and my buddies? Oh, we don't get personal rides, but I haven't, I haven't ingested mushrooms in 40 years, but I did them. They were great. I loved them. Yeah, we just laughed our asses off.

You know, in an interesting story, which I found, you know, Brad Pitt, who, you know, one of my favorite. Friend of the show, yeah. Actors decided that he could have a few glasses of wine. He was no long, he said, I got off the wagon. Did you read that? Oh, right. I heard about that. Yeah.

And in that exact moment, I guess they calculated that over 19 million people that were actively in AA meetings got up and left. Because he quit. Well, yeah. Brad Pitt's, look out what he looks like. Yeah, I made that up. No, I did hear that back to it. But then someone's had a picture of him at the airport. I don't know if that was real, but they say, oh, he was hammered at the airport.

I don't really believe it. I think he just said, hey, listen, I drink now and tough shit. But he has a stressful life. Let's give it to him. Right. He had a rough divorce and child custody issue. But I would say, I'm going to. think that first of all he wouldn't be drunk at an airport because he probably always

went out of rock and ride at LAX I don't think so yeah um yeah I think he'll be I think it'll be fine he's aware of it we'll see he's landing on his feet I think they're doing another F1 would they call it F2 go they're going to call it a Mr. Race Car man they're going to call it if they were smart they'd call it Odyssey, too. They're going to call it. Tires be spinning. The go fast cars.

They're going to call it Mr. Oval guy. Roger that. I'm around the corner when she comes. You're the pit. Booh! Booh! Go. Oh, good.

You do have that kind of check. That's a specific. Good, good use of that. They're going to call it, I pass on the inside. That's the movie. Brad Pitt is, I pass on the inside guy. He's in a new movie called Coming Through. He's in a new movie called The Straight Away.

Yeah. They could call it for it. Brad Pitt in Downshifting. Brad Pitt in. Pedal to the metal. That's not bad. All right. Brad Pitt, I'll take an F1 and a glass of Chardonnay.

He goes, F1 and FU. That's it. That's the teaser trail. Brad Pitt and F1 and FU. All right, good. All right. Let's start. Let's start.

I mean, I think I'm totally warmed up now. So let's do. I'm eating gum. All right. Are we saying goodbye? Is it over? I thought it was over. Okay, we'll do one more.

Even though I have my gum. So we have official ending. I have a data center right now that's running in Hawatha. I've never used one gallon of water. Oh, this is interesting. This guy's going to get killed as he's giving us to speak. My name is Doug Cee. The data center.

33-92-64 Street. Hey, Lalo, Iowa. Geez, I guess you do. I've called the mayor and suggested that I get put on some kind of a committee because I'm Paylo's resident expert. I build data centers. I own data centers. I built the first private data center in the state of Iowa. And everything that Google is telling you is BS.

Yes. Oh, my God, dude. What does that mean? I have a data center right. I have a data center right now that's running in Iowa. He's toast. 14 years and I've never used one gallon of water. Data centers use millions of gallons of water.

I thought they're kind of new. 14 years ago, I had a data center. They're going to burn through the water. The problem with data centers, by the way, data centers and flock cameras are something I hear about all the time now. And I didn't know either of them were being built or anything. They're just suddenly. We have 2,000 bills.

We need 2,000 more. Europe's building all over the world. And the stacking of all the stuff that goes into the servers, you know, you've got memory chips. So when you create this superstar, brilliant, genius AI, it'll be able to remember things. It needs short-term memory. That's sand disk. It meets long-term memory. That's Micron.

And it needs all this NAND and DRAM, GPUs, M-BUs. I was just saying that. Jack them. And then you take a big cord, a big cord. You got a little thing on the table. Have an outlet? Yeah. And then you plug it in and you turn it on. It's just big as a Macy's department store and all these things light up. And then you get up what they call a super generative brain. Yeah, what you call the cancer. And then everything goes dark because the grid is not up. Town lights go off. But they say they run on gallons, millions of gallons of gallons of water and no one knows why. And then I heard a conspiracy that they don't know why and they don't really need it, but it's to funnel to these doomsday billionaire shelters. So they have water.

Well, basically in engineering and in science, things get hot, cars get hot, engines get hot. But they're getting better and better at it. They can use less water. They can use chips that more heat resistant. So yes, it is a problem. Data centers need power and they need water. Well, I want to say good luck to all the Dana. There is a Dana Center. All right.

Finally we hit it. But they'll plug in the super brain and go, what about cancer? Oh, no problem. I have an idea. I'll get you a memo. That's all done. What about unlimited fusion energy that won't pollute anything and everyone has energy? Oh, shit.

Sure. Give me a second. Wait a minute. Oh, we've got it. I'll send you the memo. How about we stop data centers and AI until they go, give us one cure for cancer, then we'll continue AI. Give us something. They're already kind of making advances, David. I know. You're pro. This is a big of date. All right, well, this is good. We got one more story in. It was exciting. All right. Thanks for tuning in, everybody. Thanks for tuning in. You'll see us next time on. Enter.

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by Hold For It, Dana Carvey and David Spade, or David Spade and Dana Carvey. We don't write this stuff. Heather Santoro, Greg Holtzman, and Leah Reese Dennis. The show is edited by

Evan Cox, with production support from Phil Sweet Tech. Talent production and booking by Sophia Lippoor. You know,